Home Dating & Relationships Relationships Does It Take A Man To Make A Family?

Does It Take A Man To Make A Family?

175
So what do you really need?

“I don’t need a man to start a family.”

These were the words of a friend in her mid 30s that recently went through an artificial insemination procedure.  “How long had you been thinking about this as an option,” I asked casually as I kept sipping my vodka tonic and she sipped her room temperature water. It’ll be a long time before Jessica has a drink with me again. “It’s always been an option. A man would be nice, but I’ve never felt like I needed one to have a family,” she replied. I was puzzled. My friend comes from a fairly strict Caribbean upbringing where she was raised by both parents, which was also the case for most of the people in her extended family. I was parsing my words in my head before asking a question that probably would’ve gotten a not-so-pleasant response had it been anybody else but me. “So you’re fine with the concept of a family that doesn’t involve a father that’s there to raise his son or is at least remotely in the picture?” I always make the assumption it’ll be a boy first. I guess I’m trying to speak it into existence for myself whenever the time comes for the wife to hate me for something she wanted.

At this point,  Jessica was staring at me with a smirk that resembled my own and left me wondering what she was about to say next.  I started to understand what people meant when they said my smirk was somewhere between welcoming and uncomfortable. I’m pretty sure I perspired a bit while I waited and then she got all extra deep:



“A man doesn’t make it a family for me. Love does.”

I blinked as if my contact lenses were shriveling up in my eyes. I let out a “hmph” to acknowledge that I heard her and that I was internalizing what she had just said. As logical as I may be, my brain doesn’t always work linearly. My thoughts wandered from A to D to B and then to C which led me to the conclusion that love alone doesn’t make a family. If anything, it holds it together. I have a lot of friends that come from single parent homes. When they talk about family, I know they’re talking about their mother and their siblings, a grandparent and all their cousins, or some other combination. And even with the way they were raised, father in the picture or not, they all  speak of being married and having kids when looking at their concept of family in the near or distant future. Granted, sometimes things just happen that are out of our control.

See Also:  Will He Wait In 2015?

Personally, having a family means that I’ll be married and have at least 1 kid. I couldn’t see doing it any other way. Maybe it’s because I’m naturally afforded that luxury as a man? Maybe it’s because I don’t have to think about the Ovulation Factory factory that’s the main employer in a small town shutting down—even though I do sorta have to think about it in the context of considering someone as a relationship partner. Carrying on the Jackson name is a must and you won’t catch me running into a relationship so I can hurry up and impregnate them before it’s too late. Take that how you wanna take it.

But let’s not forget the women on the other side of the table like my friend Jessica. Let’s not forget the women who don’t think having a man around makes it a family, or the ones that are fine just having a man or husband and not having kids at all. It seems the older I get, the more flexible people around me are becoming. I guess this isn’t surprising at all. It does make me wonder if the concept of family changes with age or if some people never had their mind made on what they considered a family in the first place.

What do you think? For the ladies, do you need to have a man in your life and a child to have your own family? Is one or the other enough for you? Would you consider artificial insemination if the potential for a hubbykins looked bleak? For the fellas, what’s your concept of family as it relates to the components?

See Also:  5 Reasons You Should Worry About Her Work Husband

So How Much Do I Get If I Tallywack Into This Cup,

Comment(175)

  1. What do you think? For the ladies, do you need to have a man in your life and a child to have your own family?

    ^^^I would like one…but it's scary to think that may not happen…unfortunately, there aren't as many guys willing to settle down & start a family.

    Is one or the other enough for you?

    ^^^If i have a husband, children are a given…

    Would you consider artificial insemination if the potential for a hubbykins looked bleak?

    ^^^Not artificial insemination but a willing friend to be a donor has long been a thought…i actually had the conversation with a friend of mine…that's a last resort though if i've hit 30 & haven't met anyone…i want children & i want to continue the legacy of my family…hopefully, i won't have to actually go through with this though…

    But what about Lesbians? That's what i thought about as i read this post being that i have a family member that is one…how would this post apply to them?

    Good post Slim

    1. "there aren’t as many guys willing to settle down & start a family."

      While I know your experiences dictate that train of thought, PLEASE do not firmly believe it. I want the best for everyone and believe that people want the best for themselves and thinking that someone isn't out there for you (while it may not be on your timeline) leads down a path I don't want people to go down.

      1. Thanks…i try to keep an open mind but unfortunately, i seem to have the same patterns go on in my love life…it's weird….I do have hope…i'm just hoping not to be like my cousin's who all have baby daddies but only one is engaged (years after her 1st child was born…she's now pregnant by her fiance)

    2. Good point on the lesbians. Personally (as I'll explain below, most likely in depth as I tend to do), I need a husband to even consider children; even if that means dying childless. But it's not that it takes a "man" to make a family in my head, but a happy couple that's a team. So lesbians/gays, IMO can be great parents. Although I do think they'd be remiss to not have a strong, consistent, same sex role model active in the child's life. I think that is important, no matter your home situation.

      1. I think Homosexuals can be wonderful parents too, that's why i asked that question…i don't think the vision of what constitutes a family has to be so one dimensional.

        I want to have a husband that i have children with but at the same time, i want to experience motherhood so it may seem selfish in my thinking. If i have a great friend out there that would be willing to be there & be a team with me, that would be awesome…the friend i mentioned in my original post actually changed my stipulation to marriage at 25 (i'm 24 now, only, i don't hear from him often enough) so i guess he sees it the same way as you!

    3. "unfortunately, there aren’t as many guys willing to settle down & start a family."

      THIS!.

      Ex. I have a really good male friend who's in his early 40's. He says he wants to have a wife and kids. However, that's what he SAYS. He's not looking or even paying attention for that matter. I ask him every once in a while, why he's not married, as in, what's the hold up? And he just says that he's not focused on marriage right now, but that's he's focused on getting his business up and going. So, if a young woman were to be interested in him and thinking that he's ready to settle down because he says so and his age, she's got a little waiting to do.

      He tends to date women about 10 years younger or so, so they're usually good and ready to have the family, but they may be disappointed.

      BTW, on paper, he's very marriageable, Own place, 2 cars, degree, new business, very intellectual, ano kids, and just an all-around good guy, so there's nothing "wrong" with him, in that sense.

      I've met men who SAY they want to settle down and have a family, but in the future. Or when there's a blue moon in total eclipse at the same time as Haley's comet.

      IDK, I just may be S.O.L. #kanyeshrug

      1. Just like there are men that SAY that they want to settle down there are just as many women that SAY that they want to settle down but aren't working to get themselves to the point where it is practical for them to do so.

        1. I agree, but I was specifically addressing the issue that L. DeJean brought up. I wasn't really speaking on men vs. women; just giving an example of how some men aren't willing/ready to settle down.

          We can always find some comparison about what each other is or is not doing vs. the other or the tit-for-tat situation.

      2. I think a man like this is smart. I gave up being single and not having kids for a dream that WE as MEN are sold. I was told BY a WOMAN that for women,marriage adn kids is a BUSINESS deal and MEN r the ones that are fed the dream. I felt pressured to try and live the way people were telling me. I used to leave a woman if she LITERALLY breathed a certain way.

        This friend of yours is a man like JEUS. He is going to do wat he wants, when he wants and NO person is gong to make him do otherwise. That's WHY he has what he has. HE IS IN CONTROLL of HIM SELF. If he were to get married, either that wma would feel SHE is in control of him or she REALLY WOULD be in control of him. Either way, once a woma feels she has control, she WILL OT LOVE THAT MAN. she CAN'T love that man because she knows that a man that is NOT i control of self will fail like Adam did in the Garden and BOTH man and woman will suffer.

        A woman has TWO choices, ONLT two choices when dealing with a man who emulates JESUS (IN CONTROL of SELF) and that is 1) either fall in line (which is wat many women want) or 2) Leave (which is another issue).

      3. I know a man the same way, he is a good man & talks about settling down once he finds Ms. Right but just deals with Ms.Right Now…however, he has a kid. I may be "young" but i won't waste valuable time waiting for you to decide if we are going to move forward…no one wants to stay stagnant for too long.

        I sometimes men think that we can stand around & wait forever…when our biological clock really starts ticking, it gets louder every year and there comes a point where we have to decide if children are important to us & if so, are we willing to risk their health because the risks of having a special need goes up dramatically past a certain age, or so i've heard.

    4. Why NOT artificial insemination. It seems that the ONLY reason wmen do NOT want this is because they want a man on teh hook for child support.

      Why not just get a donar, ths way the man is not emotionally or financially linked to the kid? You as woman take ALL the responsibilty and ENSURE that you have NO RECOURSE to trap a man into pying you money for YOUR decision.

      1. HUH!!!

        This comment deserves the crazy side-eye and it looks a little something like this….. Oo___Oo

        *blink blink*

        #thatisall

  2. I liked this post. I would like to share 2 things–

    1. My biological father died of a congential heart disease when I was 8 months and I was raised by my mom and by my maternal grandparents. I never felt the absence of a "dad" (maybe because my granddad was around?)…in my case, I do agree with your friend in that it is love that makes a family. My mom remarried when I was 6 and I did get a "daddy" who legally adopted me. I never refer to him as my stepdad because he is the only father that I have known.

    2. I just turned 34 and was thinking about adopting a baby girl. I would like a child, holding one and having it be MINE makes me smile. But I am not so sure if I am ready….yes, a part of me would like her to have a "dad" and I know this is counterintuitive to what I wrote in no1 above but I would kinda like to give my baby girl a mom and a dad….but as you said, some things are not in your control. Let's see what the future holds.

    A thought provoking post Slim, and one that is touching upon certain ideas that have been playing about in my head regarding adoption! Thank you.

    1. I think adoption is another ballgame altogether. As someone who grew up in the foster care system with no clue whether my mother would be a part of my life again, trust me, any child would be lucky to have even just one parent claim them as their own.

    2. If you didn't need a "dad" or father or male figure, you would NOT seek out a man or men so that your children could be around. You would not go to a program that (interestingly they have one for women but not men) teaches WOMEN to exhibit some traits that men exhibit when dealing with their children becuase children need theri MALE PARENT (I said it).

      This whole question is an isue of POWER and CONTROL. I havenot seen onepostthat referes to the biological father as a PARENT. A PARENT has legal and social power. The issue is that MANY women want to have complete controll over the children because… "THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE, RULES THE WORLD!!!!!!"

      Women do NOT want anything interfering with them ruling the world.

      1. Welcome and whatnot.

        Now, please notice that nobody else is yelling in their posts. I don't at all agree with your views, but if you would mind not screaming them at us, I could take them with a degree of significance.

      2. Dear John, Thanks so much for sharing your comments, ALL CAPS and ALL but I think you have missed my point. Entirely.

  3. I've thought about it alot and no you don't have to have a man around to have a family, or a woman for that matter. When my Mom died we didn't cease to be a family, it just looked different. I know most women (your friend included) would prefer to have the picture perfect family, and we have other options now! Prefer being the key word. If men wanna keep tripping and putting off marriage and family till their late 30's and beyond, cool. We will do what we've always done, adapt.

    It seems your friend wanted to be a mom and since Mr. Right didn't show up b/f her biological alarm clock went off, she handled it! I'm proud of her for not giving up on her dream of motherhood! Single Moms can still date, but post-menopausal women can't have babies (unless God makes a miracle).

    1. Men have the option of being older with the ability to have babies with younger women. They may still have biological clocks but thier alarm must not go off until somewhere around 30-40?

      Most women are wired to want babies. Several studies suggest that its actually best for woman to have children before 30 for several reasons. Not that getting pregnant after 30 is crazy, its just the body has to work harder.

      1. "Most women are wired to want babies. Several studies suggest that its actually best for woman to have children before 30 for several reasons. Not that getting pregnant after 30 is crazy, its just the body has to work harder."

        THIS IS TRUTH… and the fact that once a female reaches in her 30's sometimes it becomes more difficult for her to conceive her 1st child due to her eggs not being as fertile when she was in her teens and twenties.

    2. I kind of agree. I know plenty of women who would prefer to have the popular image of a family which requires a husband. In fact, I don't personally know any woman that wouldn't ***prefer*** that. However, as you have said, as some point women have to adapt for the sake of reproducing.

      "Personally, having a family means that I’ll be married and have at least 1 kid. I couldn’t see doing it any other way. Maybe it’s because I’m naturally afforded that luxury as a man?"

      Yes, I can see why men wouldn't think this way. Generally speaking, even in two-parent households (with a husband) women do most of the child rearing (even when both the husband and her have full time jobs). In fact, many wives jokingly say they have 3 kids (when they only have 2 kids and a husband), counting the husband as a kid in the sense that she has to take care of (cook, clean for, cater to) all 3.

      I say this to say that for a woman, it's not that far of a stretch to be a single mom (in terms of household duties…NOT in terms providing a father figure or role model). On top of that, with the state of affairs of men waiting longer and longer to decide to get married, their female peers' eggs would be dried and out of commission if they waited as long…leaving no hope for a family in the forecast.

      Women are choosing to have a family (be it husband/fatherless) over waiting and becoming biologically unable to have a family.

      With all this said, I'm all for 2 parent households. I was raised in one and hope I can provide the same kind of loving, nurturing, stable (daddy is coming home) environment to my children if/ when I have children.

    3. 3 Points…

      I love the "miracle" part, that reminds me, if you really want to make sh*t happen, your mind can do it…

      If you can have a two parent family… DO IT… Single-Motherhood, albeit managable… Still Stupid… Usually because the girl who had the kid has poor choices in men…

      As far as the AI… IDK… Goes back to my second point… Make every effort for a Two-Party Set-Up…In America, it is one of the best countries to make that happen

      And I believe that women who truly want to be married & spoken for… Will be married & spoken for

      The women who complain about why they aren't married/spoken for… want to be single more than married…

      “There are a thousand excuses for failure but never a good reason.”-Mark Twain

  4. Do you need to have a man in your life and a child to have your own family?

    I need to have a husband and a child to have my own family. When I think of having my "own" family, I think of having a husband and eventually some little ones. Call me traditional, but I rather just wait until I'm married to start my family. I guess because I saw my mom raise us alone after my father passed away. I saw the joys of the two-parent home versus the joys of a single-parent home. You work so much harder when you're doing something alone versus with another. If I have a choice, as we all do, I rather just wait. I want my husband to hold my hand through it all, whoever that may be. Life is hard with the traditional factors, and the fact of purposely adding another alone and creating the life for him/her is not an option for me.

    Is one or the other enough for you?

    Nope. I want husband, then kids. I wouldn't mind adopting either.

    Would you consider artificial insemination if the potential for a hubbykins looked bleak?

    I think it's great that your cousin/friend chose to have children in spite of. For me, I just refuse to give up on the idea of finding love before having children. The thought of getting married is as concrete for me as graduating, having a drink come Friday and having the Saints win at least one Superbowl during my lifetime. I'm pretty young, so perhaps I shall just "keep living." But the fact of the matter is, I expect to be married within 15 years. If that doesn't happen, I can always adopt….but let's not even let that be an option for now. At this point of my life, the thought wouldn't even cross my mind.

    1. Let's switch that question. — Do you need a woman to have a family.

      Answer — NO. You have egg donars add surrogates. You even have artificial wombs and cloning of eggs AND sperm and cloning children from EITHER eggs or sperm. No one talks about this. Women act like you are indespensible and men are dispensible when in reality with todays technology, we have ALL become dispensible.

      How do you ladies feel realizing that a man actually does NOT need you to have a baby? How do you feel ti know that you don't HAVE to be in control of the reproductive process?

      How does it feel to know that if a man dos not need a woman to have a baby and awoman can't take the child, then HIS hand rocks the cradle and HE has control?

      What if the MAJORITY of men have control and influence over the children, How will you women feel?

      1. John you seem a little angry…

        Anyway I know of guys who also get child support. You know why? Because they have custody of the child. But guess what? They are not going to live the great single life that other men with kids get to live. Most guys are not ready for this.

        On the other hand… I am a single mother but my children's father is very much a part of their lives. As a matter of fact last school year he attended more school functions than me.

        The thing is women are not trying to keep the control. We want help. Its just that guys get to CHOOSE how much they want to help.

        1. I am not angry just phrasing the questions a certain way.

          I really woud like to have answers to my specific qustions. Care to answer them?

          1) How do you ladies feel realizing that a man actually does NOT need you to have a baby?

          2) How do you feel ti know that you don’t HAVE to be in control of the reproductive process?

          3) How does it feel to know that if a man dos not need a woman to have a baby and awoman can’t take the child, then HIS hand rocks the cradle and HE has control?

          4) What if the MAJORITY of men have control and influence over the children, How will you women feel?

          To reply to your statesments:

          1) I know men who get child support (even this is not what I was getting at),

          2) Howdo you know that they will not live a great single life? There are babysitters and if you get child support, someone else is financing the babysitting and possibly other expenses.

          3) a)How do you know most guys r not ready for this?

          3B) If men are not ready, let's take ALL circumstances of possibly why they are not ready. Often it is how we raise boys and girls. We raise boys to think that the raising and nurturing of children is the woman's area and that they are not supposed to interfere. If they do step into this womans' area than they are wrong because this society says that the child is property of the woman. She must have control. We raise boys to think that all they have to do i to bring in the money. We raise boys to think that this is all they are there for and that their self worth is tied to this.

          4) Your children's father is as involved as he is because you allow it. If you did not want him to be suer involved you could stop it.

          5a) If women don't want to be in control, than why don't women help get custod laws changed so that there is the presumtion of "Equal Parenting"?

          5B) Also, you stated that women want help, not equal sharing of power and control over the childen. I have seen many women say they want help but it MUST be on their terms. These women have say they want help but fight the man tooth and nail if they feel he is gaining too much control over the children. This is a part of "Maternal Gatekeeping"

          5C) So, most men would help more, be more involved, want more control over their kids but it is often the mother that influences this. (again because of how we raise boys and girls)

  5. great post Slim. This subject is something I've never thought about before, it was refreshing to ponder these new thoughts. Thanks for that!

    I hope to never have to be a single mom, not saying that I would never consider having a child on my own if I was over 30 and had no potential mate. My concern is having to raise a child (esp. a son) w/o a male that feels committed to being that positive male presence in her/his life. I don't have any brothers or any close male relatives that I know without a doubt could provide this. Not that its necessary for a positive upbringing but ideally I want a male around.

    I also agree that love is key. you can have both parents, no feelings of true love and be eff'd up…

  6. I personally feel that it's not a family without a father or a mother (depending on the situation). As a child, I still don't consider my family a 'real family' due to the absence of my father BUT that's just my take on things. However, as a woman, I understand her desire to have a child and become a mother now, instead of waiting to find 'Mr. Right' to start her family. No one should have to wait around for everything to be perfect before they decide to start on something that have always wanted. Kudos to your friend for making that decision!

  7. Well I am already in that boat being a single mother of two boys. I think in today's society 'families' come in all different forms.

    Although we are not together my sons do have a father. One that cares. They also have a grandfather and an uncle from my side.

    I believe good male role models are important for both boys AND girls.

  8. Great post Slim!

    For the ladies, do you need to have a man in your life and a child to have your own family?

    ***I would PREFER a man. As someone stated upthread, I have seen how difficult it is to be a single parent. (Although it is done daily) I am already a mother and a wife so I am very aware of the WORK it takes being a mother. I would not want to do it alone. However, I would if I had too! People die and divorce daily so….

    Is one or the other enough for you?

    ***Honestly, I would rather have the man and the children.

    Would you consider artificial insemination if the potential for a hubbykins looked bleak?

    ******NO! I would be happy with having no children and being single. I was in both worlds and see the advantages of both.

  9. Do I NEED a man in my life and a child to have my own family…YES, one or the other would be needed for me to have a family.

    I respect your friend's choice, and if I too were to take on the role or a single mother it would be a carefully planned choice. I would like to have a "traditional" family with a father and child present. But who knows what the future may hold.

    While I'm not in a rush to acquire either one (husband or child)…if I had to choose…at this moment…it would be a husband. I honestly don't feel like having children will make me anymore of a woman. Now I'm not saying I don't want any, but I don't harp on it like a lot of women I know. It's like the be all, end all.

  10. Ideally, I would like a husband, then children. However, a family does not have to equal a mother+father+children. There are many families where the grandparents are the parents, married couples who don't have any children, single mother and single father families. Not to mention all of the other blended families. Gay couples who adopt kids, friends of deceased parents adopting the kids. All of this is family.

    I think a lot of women consider adopting or A.I. because they are getting older, and there is no man in sight. How many times have we talked about men not being ready to take the plunge. Well, if he isn't ready by 40, why should a 35yr old woman wait to start her family? Men have the luxury of waiting, we don't, not if we want to have children.

    I would definitely consider artificial insemination if I'm getting older and not in a relationship leading to marriage. and I would consider adopting even if I was married.

  11. I'm split.

    I want a husband. I want a husband to start a family with me. To beam at my stomach knowing that his seed is in there. To do what my dad did which is take a giant part of the responsibility for baby Sunshine while Mama Sunshine kept up with her career. I want someone to share all of the joyous moments that parents share together.

    But you can't always get what you want. If I find myself at an age where it appears the egg carton contains more eggs than I do- I will probably do artificial insemination. I'm not in a rush for either though.

    1. "I want a husband. I want a husband to start a family with me. To beam at my stomach knowing that his seed is in there."

      Ouch, my ovaries! They're revolting! You can't say such sweet things in their presence! 😉 Damn a biological clock, I got a bomb in my womb!

  12. A family doesn't have to include a man (especially for lesbian couples) however I will not choose to purposely bring a life into this world without a father or father figure in sight. if he dies, we separate, or what have you then thats what happens but I can't in good conscience make that decision knowing what I know as an adult having lived that life (planned pregnancy to a non married mother–father optional)… it is my hope for MY family to consist of wife, husband and child(ren).

    1. I used to feel JUST like you did. Some days I want a son, some days I don't….but I don't get to choose. I have left it all up to God at this point. May I ask why you feel so strongly about not wanting pikni?

  13. I refused to have a child before I was married because I knew that I couldn't raise men by myself. I'm not saying that it can't be done, I just know that I'm not capable of it. (I probably would have raised some awesome daughters) but…funny how I was blessed with two boys that would have been a hot mess if it hadn't been for their father. I'm really good a nuturing, GREAT with it, but when it comes to raising up men? He's all in and he's good at it.

    Some things I just can't do…(for eg: last night my husband was getting on my oldest son's case about rebounding (he likes to rebound about as much as he likes to make his bed.) His father told him that he left at least 15 rebounds out on the floor the last time he saw him playing. My son turned around and gave some lame excuse about being in the zone. His father then said, "I know the game of basketball and I'm not stupid. Either you have a severe mental impairment or you need to tell that story to somebody else. I know soft when I see it and you better toughen up if you want a scholarship somewhere!"

    Voices got raise, a little verbal back and forth went on…but I can guarantee you that at his next game he will be a rebounding ANIMAL because what needed to be said was said.

    I'm good with ice on twisted ankles. I'm really loud about stacking the dishwasher and taking out the garbage, but when it comes to calling a young man on the carpet about BEING A YOUNG MAN…in my opinion it takes a man to make a man.

  14. I think that if an abortion is playing God, then artificial insemination is just as bad. Like, i'm even a little on the fence about IVF, but i'll let that rock for now. However, if you cannot find or have a man who will lay with you and make a family and forego that entire process and just show up to a clinic, you are telling God that his plan or his way is not working for you. If you think that God intended for women to say well if I cannot find a husband or man, i'll just go do my own thing, you're going to be hard pressed to get me to buy into that.

    Think about that.

    Can a woman raise a child, boy or girl, by herself? Yes, it's very possible. Speaking of the Bible, you know that one of the first stories in history of a child being raised without their parents is the story of Joseph and Benjamin. Jacob's wife, Rachel died giving birth to Benjamin. (That's just a little 411.) Anyway, yes it's very possible. However, i'm about giving my child the best chance to be great.

    I think a lot of times we convince ourselves that it's perfectly okay because we, or someone we know turned out ok. But the thing about it is, a child should be given the BEST he can get coming into this world. I think that the best is for him to have two loving parents. Now, that doesn't mean it can't be done. But why would you bring a child into this world who is already a step behind of the norm?

    I'm going to continue this rant in another comment box.

    1. Co-Sign @ Dr. J.

      As someone who was raised in a single parent household and watched my mom worked extra hard to provide me with the best, I vowed to never bring a child into this world out of wedlock. I'm 34 and have strong desires of being a parent but fatherless children face challenges and disadvantages in health, wealth, opportunity and education. Granted, there are some single moms doing the damn thing, like my mom and their kids turn out ok but that's the exception and shouldn't be the norm. Even though I had great role models in my uncles and grandfather, I still longed for a dad. I never met my dad or knew him and it came back to haunt me in my late 20's. I had to seek therapy to deal with the effects of not having a father in my life.

      To cater to my maternal needs, I volunteer A LOT with children in the community. Ideally, a man is needed in my family and in my definition of family.

    2. No i just wanted to add and I didn't want people were thinking that I was trying to bash Black men or women in particular, but I think that alarming statistics about single parents, divorce and unwed mothers are representative that we need to do more work to have positive reinforcements in our community.

      Like, there are strong Black women and men who take of children on their own. But without using a bunch of big words, history has broken the Black family. And yes, I have an aunt who is a GS-15 right now, guess what? First child at age 16. But you know what, if my cousin, her daugher, would have gotten pregnant at age 16, there's a lot of Black people who will say, "well your mother did it, you'll be okay." It's that false sense of security that causes these problems to cross over from generation to generation.

      There are so many speeches of Obama's that we listen to, but the one that I really think needs to resonate is his message to Black fathers on Father's Day. A lot of men raised by single mothers think that if they came out okay, their child will be okay. Women do this too, they let men leave or they quit too easy. I understand that drugs, infidelity and sin can ruin a child and you sometimes have to just leave for the sake of the child, but I have to ask if we as a Black community will give up too easily because we've seen it done before with mixed results.

      All this to say, like I said before you can raise a child as a single parent. But as for me, I want to be the positive reinforcement that i'll be a great husband and father. I want to be a part of challenging the stereotype that the Black community is filled with broken homes because in reality it's not 100% filled with broken homes and WE have the power to change that. We have to stop settling for the exception and start building our brand with meaningful and logical standards and values.

      1. I think this is why most religions exist; to give guidelines to a less stressful life. Notice I said LESS stressful, because nothing erases all stress.

        I sure I will not be considered PC but….we are not okay. Single families have created a bunch a people that have no clue as to what it takes to even have a successful family marriage (me included)…there I said it! Come what may!

        I like to observe, read, and talk with my elders and that has saved me from learning a lot of hard lessons. How many do that though? No, its not perfect but I know it has helped me.

        Just because it is being done does not mean it should continue to be done. Math is very simple when applied to everyday life…..and the results are in. Children need a father and a mother. We have a way of making exceptions the rule always to our detriment.

        1. "Single families have created a bunch a people that have no clue as to what it takes to even have a successful family marriage (me included)…"

          While I can't claim that this isn't true, I will add that a lot of those men that have more or less abandoned their children are products of 2 parent homes. The trend of one parent homes started somewhere, and I for one don't buy into the "slavery took away ALL the fathers" excuse.

      2. Let's not give Obama any praise for his falls and very sexist comment regarding black men. There are many men of all colors who want to be with their children but our society and the way we raise boys and girls are often a culprit to minimzing fathers being parents.

        We also d not talk about wat we are talking about here adn that is many women want a child but do not want the biological father around, they do not want him to have any say or control over his kids. Many women do just want a "father" so that he can be on the hook for money. Then these women actively seek out another man to be a substitute daddy. Obama didnot mention that even though it is true for some if not may women.

        1. @ John Logan –

          You can't get mad at Obama for that. Too often we get mad at people because they "leave" a part out. Listen, he can't be up there talking until he's blue in the face. The speech is long enough as it is.

          What you're saying is that he should have made more points, but that doesn't mean that his points were wrong or sexist. There's a lot to be said, there's always more to be said, but you're not going to find anyone cosigning that said Obama is sexist.

  15. I naturally think of family as "father/husband, mother/wife, children", therefore I'm starting to look at my fiance as my family currently though we don't have any children.

  16. I was so excited to read this post because this conversation of what makes a family and if a man is necessary has come up recently amongst my friends. It's nice to have a man weigh in on the topic.

    I've always thought of a family as a husband&wife and kids. It has always been my plan that first comes marriage then a family b/c to me the ideal setting to raise children is in a two parent home where the parents are married. I'm only 23 so I have still have ample "baby making years" in front of me so I definitely don't hear my clock ticking yet. However, as people around me get married and start their families I've started to consider whether or not I could still be happy if I never get married? And if I don't get married, would I still want kids? I just can't imagine not being a mother even if I never get married.

    I would like to adopt whether or not I get married, but I do not want to be pregnant and bring a new baby into this world without a husband. Maybe it's presumptuous of me, but I feel that there are babies that need mothers and perhaps even as a single mother I could give them a more stable upbringing than they would have in foster care. If I did choose to raise a child as a single mom, I would rely heavily on my community (family, friends, church) to make sure my child would have good examples of what an ideal family looks like. I also know that my father and brothers would provide the male nurturing and love that every girl and boy needs when developing into a woman and a man.

    Who knows though, my opinion on this matter is likely to change as I continue to live and learn.

  17. I think it's funny that men seem to feel that they have forever to have kids. Bruh – you don't. The "little soldiers" may have a longer shelf life than a woman's eggs, but the quality does decrease over time. No one thinks that they will run into infertility problems. Not trying to scare the fellas, but I've seen a few cases of men who felt they had until pretty much forever to settle down, commit to a woman and have kids – and they regret that decision now. Do you really want to still be checking out 25 yr olds at 37 because she needs to have "fresh eggs"? Or be 50 with a 12 year old? Just sayin'.

    At the same time I wouldn't rush anyone into marriage/family before they're ready. I'm 31 with a home, a man and a stable career and I am STILL scared sh*tless about the fact that I'm about to become a mom. Like, scurred for real that I won't get it right and my girls will be in the clock tower with semi-autos hollerin "This is for you mom!"

    1. Teflon Temptress You will be fine…it's scary but it's going to be OK.

      I agree with what you said about men thinking they have so much more time than women. And let's not forget about the patience thing either! There's a reason why God wants us to have children while we're young, it's because we have the patience to put up with their nonsense.

      I have a 47 year old gf with a 4 year old and a 49 year old gf with a 9 year old. Both of them have no patience and say that they waited too long to have children. When I visit them, I am like, "um, what time does he go to bed?" LOL, seriously, I can't stand it.

    2. This is for you mom! LMAO!!!!!!!

      You are so right. Having a husband and the finances gives no guarantees and you often STILL wonder if that is enough.

      Being a parent is scary enough; so I agree that it is best to start with whatever you feel you need to make it work.

      On older men and younger women: My husband is older than I am and I am SO GLAD I made that choice personally. He just so happen to be the man I feel in love with and it did not hurt that he was together in all areas I felt were important. When I was ready, he was ready and we did the [email protected] thing. Since the beginning of time, men have had younger wives and it makes sense since we mature faster. There are pros and cons to any relationship, no matter the ages of the parties.

      1. Please stop spreading the myth that either sex matures faster than the other or clarify what you mean. Not to seem like I"m angry at you because I'm not but people just throw that saying around without any context and half of the time they don't even know what they mean when they say it.

        1. In my experience – I have yet to see a woman run from her responsibilities, whether she is ready or not. I have seen A LOT of men run though. It takes maturity to put others first and to stand behind choices made (good or bad).

          I am not dissing dudes. It is what it is. Now my world is small and maybe I am wrong, but this is just WHAT I SEE.

  18. This is one of those subjects that I have always been on the fence about. One on hand I can hear Chris Rock in my head (re: to women who sayI don’t need a man to raise a child)

    ”Yeah, you can do it without a man,” he says. ”You could drive a car with your feet if you want to. That don’t make it a good [expletive] idea.”

    Then on the other hand I have met well rounded and perfectly fine people who didn’t grow up with a father.
    I, myself am aware of my age and my current prospects. Could I really raise a child on my own and hope that I have a good enough support system to make sure that he or she is loved enough so the missing father factor won’t be such a big deal? Maybe.
    I don’t think most would choose the “doing it on my own” path intentionally if they were a different option or the circumstances were different. Biological clocks are a trip. When you really want, a child and that ticking is getting louder by the second, you may find yourself making decisions that you never would have imagined making before. I’d like to give my child what I had: a two parent home with the father playing a vital and important role in the home. Lol, all of this to say I still don’t know. It is what it is, until it isn’t I guess.

  19. I think Reecie said it up top. There's plenty of different situations nowadays, but I know what I can and cannot deal with. And since God doesn't give me more than I can handle, then I will say that I really want a partner first, then a child 2nd.

    Yes, I want children. However, if it's not happening naturally, then I have considered adoption. I've taken care of too many babies and at the end of a "quick" run to the supermarket I've said, "how do single mothers DO THIS!?"

    it's too much. I've felt like i've carried the weight of my family on my back for way too long. I can't have that translate over into my own life just because I'm in a rush to have a child.

    I need a partner to take off some of this weight off of me. I deserve that..

    1. YES, this! I was the go to baby sitter in my family, so I understand. I will purposely do this to my daughter because I know she will not be in a rush to have children after keeping everybody else’s. lol. At least get out of my house first. Let me be grandma from afar.

  20. Slim, there’s no need to tiptoe around it. Your friend is selfish.

    “A man would be nice, but I’ve never felt like I needed one to have a family”

    Look at any reasoning a woman gives in defense of this, and you’ll see three words being repeated: I, me, and my. I’m not a woman, but here is a Motherhood 101 tip from a man: when it comes to raising children, it’s not about YOU! Get over your solipsism, stop for a second and think about what’s best for the child. We’ve seen all sorts of studies (on top of common sense) that show how vital fathers are in children’s lives. And if you claim you are a Christian woman and you are talking about artificial insemination, you should be ashamed.

    Both parents are necessary. Before someone says they’re perfectly well adjusted and they grew up in a single-parent household, keep in mind that there are also perfectly healthy babies born to women that smoked during pregnancy too; that doesn’t make it ideal. There are reasons for the nuclear family. Girls see how to become a woman by looking at their mothers, likewise boys with their fathers. They see how a healthy relationship is supposed to be by the way their parents interact. Girls see how they are supposed to be treated by the way their father treats their mother. Boys learn how to treat and respect women by their father’s example. Children learn conflict resolution through their interactions with each other. Children learn how to be mothers and fathers through the example their parents provide. Children aren’t exposed to the merry-go-round of “friends” that single women date. And when it comes to discipline, any woman here will tell you there is something about a firm man’s voice that commands respect.

    I don’t care if a woman is She-Ra, she can’t do it on her own, no matter what her finances are, or her support system, or how much “love” she has. The bottom line is no matter what a woman does, her child is going to look at her and see one thing: a woman. She is not a man, no one will look at her and see a man. She can make seven figures, "take care of her business", and her child will still look at her and see a woman. Children need a male presence. A preacher I heard a while ago was taken aback when his teenage son’s friend spent the night and told him that he never seen a man shave before. It’s simple things like that children miss out on which makes fathers necessary.

    1. I don't even need to make my statement anymore. Hugh took care of it for me. And I can never make this argument without using the word "selfish", even though it's very offensive to those that want to make their own way. But like you said, once you become a parent, not ner thing is about YOU anymore, it's about the child…do you think it's BEST for the child not to have a father? Anyone? (And I'm not saying an abusive father, a neglectful father, an absent father. Why are you reproducing with that type of man? In those cases yes, no father is better than an abusive father.)

    2. Girls see how to become a woman by looking at their mothers, likewise boys with their fathers. They see how a healthy relationship is supposed to be by the way their parents interact. Girls see how they are supposed to be treated by the way their father treats their mother. Boys learn how to treat and respect women by their father’s example. Children learn conflict resolution through their interactions with each other. Children learn how to be mothers and fathers through the example their parents provide. Children aren’t exposed to the merry-go-round of “friends” that single women date. And when it comes to discipline, any woman here will tell you there is something about a firm man’s voice that commands respect.

      You Betta Tell It!!!!

      *CuesOrgan/Choir*

    3. I dont agree that both parents are neccessary. They are ideal.

      No, I am not talking on artificial insemination but the reality of the world. I wouldnt do it alone on purpose but if I had to I would definitely make it work.

      Like I said earlier. If there is no father then a woman should find other ways of providing positive male role models. Same goes for a father raising kids without a mother.

      1. Kema: “No, I am not talking on artificial insemination but the reality of the world…If there is no father then a woman should find other ways of providing positive male role models. Same goes for a father raising kids without a mother.”

        The hypothetical you provided (single motherhood due to extenuating circumstances versus artificial insemination) makes for a different situation. “Mak(ing) it work” when things go wrong (death, divorce, adopting children, etc.) is different than bringing a child into the world into a lifestyle you know is substandard.

        The mother should find other positive role models if the father isn’t there, due to accidental pregnancy, having a deadbeat dad, etc. But that’s much different than saying, “I don’t care about my kid not having a daddy, I’m the mama and daddy, I can do this by myself! I'm going to the clinic and having a test-tube baby!” That is just selfish and inconsiderate behavior.

        1. Ok… Then I agree. But then I also agree with the person who said if artificial insemination is selfish then so are the men who are not marrying these women early enough so that the baby making can get started.

          I don think they are selfish…. just a little desparate for a baby.

        2. But realize this the unintended consequences of a situation certain women (feminists) helped to create. The $exual revolution meant women could start acting like men $exually, and men took advantage. We don't have to give women a commitment to get the draws anymore, now it's hard to get men to commit because we can get poon from anywhere.

          I call a spade a spade, and call those women selfish. They may want a baby more than anything in the world, but they are still bringing the child into a fatherless existence, knowing many of the problems in the African-American community can be traced back to absentee fathers.

        3. I think the Sexual revolution was the work of the SATAN! Therefore very intended. No I am not a bible thumper, I just observed the results and came to a conclusion.

  21. This is sad to say but almost all of my girlfriends who are 30+ are at that point where they want kids (preferably in a two family home) but:

    1. theres no consistent man around to even call a boyfriend let alone a potential father or husband

    2. the men who are around are barely into commitment let alone settling down and making a family

    THIS IS THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION for some women. Therefore, no one should balk or blink at the concept of a woman rearing a child solo without a man in the home if that's what she wants.

    You've gotten your degrees, you've traveled, you're happy, and now you're ready to make your happy home for one a happy home for two, no matter what.

    What other option is there? Wait for the guy who may or may not come your way any time soon?

    Please.

    I personally don't want kids without a husband, but I understand the choices women make when they've reached the point where they really really really want kids.

      1. we talk about single women this and that damn near every day in the blogs.

        this should be obvious. if the trends continue, and more and more women stay single (for whatever reason), then

        DUH

        if ah pickney she want, ah pickney she ah get.

        this might be stretch but i don't imagine that most women wake up thinking:

        gee I'd LOVE to raise a child on my own without a father around to help out.

        as always, when necessary, we just sort of do what needs to be done when whether daddy is around or not.

        if you disagree with her choice, get to matchmaking and find de gyal a man. problem solved.

    1. Remember that selfishness and solipsism thing I was talking about?

      "You’ve gotten your degrees, you’ve traveled, you’re happy, and now you’re ready to make your happy home for one a happy home for two, no matter what".

      It's funny how a man isn't necessary, but having children is.

      1. nice try. nobody said man isn't necessary. he is. most women would LOVE a husband, a father for the child. myself included. for every one woman who would do it solo, there is one who (like me) wouldn't.

        women don't generally WANT to be single and raising kids.

        but like I said, if he's not around, you're single, ready, and you feel like you could give a child a loving home…you might choose to do it alone.

        1. bleh: “but like I said, if he’s not around, you’re single, ready, and you feel like you could give a child a loving home…you might choose to do it alone.”

          And like I said, “It’s funny how a man isn’t necessary, but having children is.” Forget what’s best for the child, I want a baby dammit!

          The problem isn’t men aren’t ready to commit, there are plenty of men ready and waiting for the right woman to raise a family with. In 70% of the cases, women aren’t looking at those men, they are looking at men who don’t want to settle down but meet other criteria the woman wants, and are trying to convert them.

        2. LOL, I think I'm going to jump in the mix!

          @ bleh- although I see the point, I don't agree with intentionally having a child without a husband. It's my old-fashioned values and stuff. There are over 6 billion people on this Earth, which means there is ONE eligible, available, and good guy for some woman.
          I mostly think it's unfair for the child more than anything to do it intentionally. A child deserves two parents if that's even a remote possibility, esp. within the black community. IMO, if a woman has the ability to raise a child by herself, then she has the ability to travel and find a suitable mate. I'm over-simplifying and not taking lots of things into account, I acknowledge, but my point is, it's NOT an impossibility. Sometimes, ones may need to be a little more open to other options. BTW, I'm referring more to biological children and not adopted. Adopted children are somewhat an exception because anyone (single or not) who loves them is better than them being in the system.

          @Hugh- I love your comments, BUT, I must agree with @bleh with this too. I hear people, men AND women say all the time that there are PLENTY of men who ____________ (fill in the blank). But my question is always, Where? Please point them out.

          Cue: Crickets and generally followed by, "Well, you just have to look, be open, change yourself, dress up, stop looking for xyz guy, stop looking for a guy with a job, all his teeth/limbs, no baby mamas, etc., etc."

          So my question to you is, WHERE?

          All these single BW across the country are not making up these statistics. There can't be something wrong with ALL these women while PLENTY of men are looking for the same thing. I just can't buy it.

          Put me on the Yellow Brick Road that leads to the Emerald City, because I don't see the PLENTY who are looking for the same AND mean it. I see some or a few, not plenty.

        3. new2natural: "I hear people, men AND women say all the time that there are PLENTY of men who ____________ (fill in the blank). But my question is always, Where? Please point them out.

          Cue: Crickets and generally followed by, “Well, you just have to look, be open, change yourself, dress up, stop looking for xyz guy, stop looking for a guy with a job, all his teeth/limbs, no baby mamas, etc., etc.”

          So my question to you is, WHERE?"

          Well, for starters, to point some out, there are several single, educated, career oriented, good looking (no homo) men commenting on this blog, so we definitely exist. Just like women here swear there are all these beautiful, black women lawyers with 47-23-52 bodies who can cook up a mean steak and willing to be submissive, waiting to marry men who are merely just good average guys exist.

          It definitely is a shortage of men, but women exacerbate the problem by looking for this ideal, 6’-4”, dark-skinned, good looking, six-figure making, 15-inch dyck swinging Nubian god who is playing the field, and ignoring the 5’-10”, brown-skinned, average looking, $50K/year making average guy who wants to settle down. Teflon found hers. Mrs. Smiley Face found hers. Redlady and Beef Bacon had theirs for a while. There may not be plenty, but the men are definitely out there.

        4. http://gifsoup.com/MjU4MDA3

          "the 5’-10”, brown-skinned, average looking, $50K/year making average guy who wants to settle down."

          This is the average dude where you're from? *turns in resignation, starts packing, gasses the car* That settles it! I'm moving to Milwaukee!

        5. GOODNESS NO!!!! There are good guys here, but Milwaukee is the home of some of the most ignint, bass ackward thinking, sorry excuses for male homo sapiens that you'll ever find! Unless you live in Gary, Indiana, Cleveland, or Detroit, you're probably better off where you are!

          I have a few friends and guys I know from the gym that are single and doing well for themselves, but the ratio of good guys to losers here is probably 1/15.

        6. You're lucky my boss isn't here today and I was able to sweet talk one of the maintenance men into letting me into her office to get the resignation letter back…

          😉

  22. Children really don't give a [email protected] about two parent households if they were never raised in one. They just want to be loved. The image we have of the feminized father that is intimatley involved in raising children from birth is fairly new and mostly the result of conservative propaganda aimed at killing entitlement programs. (But I won't argue this today). For most of our history as a civilized people, the father served only as a role model. He doesn't really interact or instruct the child until he is a teenager and old enough to hunt or farm.

    Point is, you can raise kids just fine as a single parent.

    Honestly the whole idea that life must revolve around the raising of children is kinda silly. I'm reminded of that line in "Knocked Up" when dude says very sarcasticly "Oh my God I didn't read the baby book. How will I ever raise a child without the baby book?" I mean really, I know the world we live in now would have us belief that the two parent houshold and child birth are the reason for all existence……but really……it's not that crucial. Just another path you can choose from.

    1. I'm going to disagree with you il Duce. I know quite a few men AND women who WISH they had a father.

      How about this? Eddie Longstroke's "mentored" young men. Those boys sacrificed themselves to be "loved" by this "father-figure" so-called spiritual adviser. They were LONGING for a father and got more than what they bargained for because they thought he was what they had been missing. If they had an active father in their lives, this wouldn't have happened. The pattern with this young men is that NONE of them had an active father in their lives and he preyed upon that. I'm in ATL, so I follow it pretty closely.

      I have a really good friend who is 35 now and when we talk, he's always lamenting about the fact that he never had anyone to show him how to be a man or give him any guidance. He had to learn on his own. BTW, his father lives not too far from him and the man doesn't even know his own grandchild. I know he's hurt because he talks about it regularly.

      Anyway, children, girls AND boys, DO want a two-parent household. Yes, they may get along just fine without the father (or mother) and become productive citizens of society, but that doesn't mean that it was their ideal situation. Most would have rather had both.

      My female friends as well, WISH, they had a father to protect and provide for them and allow them to be a daddy's girl.

      So, I respectfully disagree because not only do I know a litany of examples, I also see how not having fathers has affected the Black community.

      I'd dare to say that although it's not THE single most thing wrong with the community, but it is ONE of them.

      GOOD fathers inspire confidence in their children. For boys, that means the confidence to become a man on his own terms and find a suitable wife and have a family.

      For girls, that means she has the confidence to not allow a man to treat her any kind of way or look for a father-figure in men because she has a GOOD father.

      I just had to get that out. Sorry, I'm done with my rant, LOL.

      1. I think it kinda of depends on how you grow up. And the environment. I grew up with a lot of dudes that didn't have fathers and the attitude was pretty much "Ufck dat [email protected]@a." Dudes I know don't spend too much time cryin over some bamma they don't know and aint puttin money in dey pocket. We just keep it movin.

        The dudes I knew that was bitter about not havin a father are the dudes like Jay-Z. The ones that actually knew their fathers or had married parents that divorced were the ones that seemed bitter or upset about not having a father.

        As for Eddie Longstrokes. Not blamin the guys but I think he picked on guys that were already leaning towards being gay. Don't think the lack of a father had anything to do with it.

        1. I see your point and I grew up with the whole nuclear family and whatnot.

          But, I think that what those young men are saying is more out of anger or saving face. It's a smokescreen.

          It's the same thing when a kid doesn't get something that they wanted and they said they didn't want it anyway. Yeah, but if you were to go and offer it to them, they'd straight snatch it out of your hands, LOL.

          I'll go out on a limb and say that if one were to ask these young men, if they'd rather have a father or not, they'd say yes. Of course, they don't want him if he's no good, but I'm speaking of a good, active father. Even if for nothing more than seeing their mother not have to work so hard or struggle or just be unhappy.

          As far as EL, I respect your opinion.

        2. Well I try to explain it to people like this. You don't miss what you never had. And you have to remember in most hoods in America not having a father is the norm. So it's not like you are jealous of your friends. They all in the same boat. People are used to having to do for themselves so it's just not something you don't lose sleep over.

          I mean yes I will concede that given the choice dudes would opt to have a father. But I can say with all sincerity it's just not somethin dudes I know spent a lot of time caring about. And it wasn't out of anger. You just learn to live with the cards you are dealt. That's the mentality.

        3. Just to show you how deep it really is. Onyx has this song that is like a street anthem called "All We Got is Us." [email protected]@az in the hood used to love that song cause das the hood mentality right there. All we got is us. My brothers, my sisters my moms and no pops.

          You hear dudes call each other son. In the hood, you call your friends "son" cause we raise each other.

          Like I said. It's just a different mentality.

      2. My female friends as well, WISH, they had a father to protect and provide for them and allow them to be a daddy’s girl.

        ^^^^^^^^

        It's a beautiful thing and There is nothing like it!!!!!

        #makesMentalNote2CallMyDaddy2nite

        And some of us may know, have seen or witnessed females who grew up without their fathers presence in their lives and how it manifest itself in their relationship with men. (abusive men, sometimes much older men, ASN types of men, etc.) all for the sake of filling the Daddy's Little Girl Void

        1. I think it is different for girls. For boys without fathers..we are raised by our mothers so we don't miss out on that love from the opposite sex like girls do when their father's aren't around.

          The only risk for us is that moms will smother us or be too domineering and turn us into……… That's a topic for another day 🙂

    2. I agree with you il Duce.

      I had a father growing up. Actually my parents are still together after 30 years. However the way he was raised was all the child rearing stuff went to the woman (Jamaican father). So I guess it is possible for a woman to do it alone basically.

      1. Yeah. Americans seem to forget that the way things are is not how they have always been. The American father figure is feminized compared to other cultures and the history of the world. Women raise children alone in many cultures even in marriage.

        1. I wouldnt say feminized… Just different roles.

          I will say without my father my family would not have been the way it was but that was on a more monetary basis. It would have been harder for my mother to make it and we probably wouldnt have lived in a decent neighborhood.

          HOLLIS QUEENS!! lol!

        2. No I agree. I don't think anyone else got what I was trying to say. That American expectations around the benefits of fatherhood are grossly exaggerated. And the roles and duties we expect from American fathers would be laughed at in other cultures and other times.

          I mean lets go back 1000 years. If daddy is in the Roman Army you might not see that bamma for 5 years straight. But he is still a good dad. Do we really think Julius Ceaser tucked his kids in every night. 🙂 The whole Daddy as Nanny role is uniquely American.

          I know dem Salvadoran's across the street from me…their men bring home money….end of story. You will never see them changing a diaper.

        3. I understand you, yet in reality how many household have the man only working outside the home in our country? As you stated, in the olden days and in other cultures, men mostly bring home the bacon. NOT SO TODAY. Both parents work, especially in black households, therefore, none of what you are saying applies to most here in America.

          Shoot, I bring home the bacon too, so yeah, change the diapers, cook sometimes, and yes you can dust too. Feminine some may call it; I call it being a family.

        4. Nah my point was just that people tend to overstate how involved a father must be for a child to turn out well. All a child really needs is a good role model. That role model doesn't have to be around 24/7 or be a helicopter parent.

      2. No disrespect to your position Kema, but doing it alone and doing it alone basically are two VERY different things. Every little bit of help is priceless to a parent; whether it be financial assistance, someone to babysit, someone preparing you dinner or washing your dishes. Or something as small but as significant as the other parent being able to take the reigns when you are fixin to beat the flesh off lil Jr's behind because you're at your wits end or having the option to have him pick up the kids at school when you have to work late…small acts, but HUGE in the peace of mind realm. Shoot just being able to talk to another adult that knows and loves your child like you do if there's an issue. Keeping it in the family, but not having to carry all the weight yourself.

        And I don't think anyone is arguing that it's possible, we see every day that it's possible. Just is it what's best? Is it a responsible decision for that child that you are willfully creating without a father and for yourself?

        1. Well it's not really my position because I would want a man to be there to do his part. I am NOT superwoman!

          But I understand the women who choose to do this and realize that it can be done. It will be harder but it can be done.

  23. I find it laughable that some people are damn near villainizing woman who even consider this as an option, without realizing that the majority of women do not choose this as the ideal option. Most women I know want to be a wife first, and then a mother. But guess what, she can't do that without a man stepping up, and being ready to be a husband and a father. Women don't marry themselves. If a woman who is inseminated is going against God, it seems to me that the man who chooses to date, but not marry a long term gf, is also going against God. But we don't say that. Instead, we make excuses about how he will commit when he is ready and you can't make a man commit, and in some instances, we blame the woman for having the audacity of wanting her man to marry her, or even asking him about marriage. A man who finds a wife finds a good thing. I think I heard that somewhere… 🙂

    1. A man that finds a wife does find a good thing. But don't be mad when you have yet to be found.

      That's the big thing in my opinion. People want things on their time and when it doesn't happen everything is wrong with the world.

      You make good points though.

    2. Well, its still HER FAULT is she decides to stay knowing he does not plan giving her what she obviously wants.

      Although I am not sure how I feel about AI, I do know that there are other choices: for instance, she can move on to a man that wants what she wants.

      I am only speaking on what I think I would do…who knows…..

    3. *nods head* Yep, I don't think that woman (or any other women who goes the AI route) should be villianized. I don't think it's anymore selfish or human than couples who would prefer to bring their own children in the world when their are millions of kids needing a home. I know a man who has trouble having kids, so he has spend 10s of thousands of dollars trying to correct this. His wife would like to adopt, be he is dead set against it. Do I think that's slightly selfish? Yes. Do I blame him for it? No.

      There might be a little too much judgement being thrown around for me today, as I'm already busy, this is a good excuse to not be on here much.

  24. i don't agree with the path your friend has taken. i think a family should consist of a man, a woman and child(ren). now this may not always happen. for instance what if i get married have children and my wife dies somehow? but i would never say, "well i can't find a woman, let me go adopt some kids." what feminine influence would those children have? i wouldn't deprive those children of that.

    1. Again, an adopted child would be more than happy and feel extremely lucky to have even one person want to be in their life.

    2. Mad Scientist 7 — To adopt children IS what GOD requires. To take care of Widows and Orphans. Even if it means taking them into your house.

      IT also means that men take care of men. We ARE our brothers keepers. Check out the story of the good samaritan.

  25. Not to turn this into a Bible discussion but too many of yall seem to be under the mistaken impression that God's will is always marriage and children…..observe:

    Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8: “I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.” Notice that he says some have the gift of singleness and some the gift of marriage. Although it seems that nearly everyone marries, it is not necessarily God's will for everyone.

    On the other hand, some people do better as a team, serving God as a couple and a family. Both kinds of people are equally important. It is not a sin to remain single, even for your entire life. The most important thing in life is not finding a mate and having children, but serving God.

    1. Be careful not to confuse the word of God with someone who inteprets God's message and then preaches to believers. Paul was a great man, but God's words were very direct and early, the 28th verse of the Bible is clear, "be fruitful and multiply."

      As my pastor used to say, "You gotta be careful when the text isn't in Red."

      1. Shall I also state the obvious……Jesus Christ……single guy with no kids. ROFL Guess his life was a total waste. LOL

        1. Please Study to show thyself approved. This does not mean just ONE book either. Jesus was not single with no children…please do your research. Not throwing stones (see what I did there) just want all of us to know the TRUTH.

          When you know the truth things make more sense, trust me. His entire life story is not given in the bible.

          Now go forth and read…..

        2. Beef Bacon: "Jesus was not single with no children…please do your research."

          I have a hard time believing those non-canonical accounts, because they don't make sense when compared to the Gospels. I find it odd that Jesus would command the disciples while dying on the cross to take care of His mother, and not say take care of my wife and kids.

    2. Now this is where the line is blurred, was that PAUL or GOD speaking? That is the question….

      I was not there when it was written so I am not sure.

      In addition, no, based on other areas of the bible and other books, there are a select FEW that will not marry for special purposes. However, if you are still reading those same books, it says it is better to marry than to burn.

      So for the few who can abstain from knocking boots….to God be the glory; they are stronger than I. Nevertheless, I think it is pretty clear that most of desire a mate.

      I think the priest and nuns enough proof that most are not called to be chaste.

    3. You're both right. Paul was stating his preference for people. He even explicitly said it was his opinion. You have to back up to the sixth verse:

      1 Corinthians 7:6-7 – But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that.

      Paul was being practical. He was stating that carrying for a family will take you away from the work of the Lord. Everyone isn’t called to be a leader, so it doesn’t apply to everyone. But ask Coretta Scott King; it’s difficult to be committed to a movement and family at the same time.

      1 Corinthians 7:32-35 – But I would have you without carefulness. He that is unmarried careth for the things that belong to the Lord, how he may please the Lord: But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife. There is difference also between a wife and a virgin. The unmarried woman careth for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit: but she that is married careth for the things of the world, how she may please her husband. And this I speak for your own profit; not that I may cast a snare upon you, but for that which is comely, and that ye may attend upon the Lord without distraction.

  26. First things first, Slim, this post was bawse!

    To answer the questions:

    Q:Do you need to have a man in your life and a child to have your own family?

    A: Traditional as I am, yes, you need a man to have a family. I need a man in my life to have a family, but I don't necessarily need children and still quite undecided if I want them. At this point, I could take them or leave them and if I'm 35 with no children, I'm leaving them. If my future husband wants ONE kid (or maybe two), I'll oblige him and I'd be a good mother. But I personally don't need a child to have a family, but I do need a husband.

    Q: Is one or the other enough for you?

    A: Yes, a husband is enough for me. A child is not required on my end.

    Q. Would you consider artificial insemination if the potential for a hubbykins looked bleak?

    A. No, having a child is not that serious for me to want to do it alone.

    1. Agreed!! Well said! As I get older I waiver on the last question but look around at my single friends with kids and see their lives, I stick with it. 😉 It's not for everyone, and not for me.

  27. Why not ask te question — Do you eed a woman to start a family? I say NO!!!!! Now with surrogates (You DO have artificial wombs that are not discussed) and egg donars (same as a sperm donor) men CAN have the same option of CONTROLLOING the rproductive process as women. As long as the informaton is put out there and we move to change the minds of men to embrace this, you women can have YOUR family and MEN can have THEIR family.

      1. Yes I will. I beleive in equality. I also beleive in teaching children the truth and moving them in a different direction.

        Do you think what I stated is true?

  28. If you asked me this 5 years ago, I would've said I will be married in 2 so this question isn't relevant. But getting closer to that 30 mark has caused me to think about it. I want a partner though. I want a man to share in the experience of creating a family, sending Christmas cards to friends with a baby dressed like a reindeer full of smiles. I disagree with the comment that there aren't a plethora of men that want to get married. As far as my life, I made some bad dating choices including destroying a relationship that if I was the mature woman I am now, I would've worked on it. For me to choose artificial insemination, I would be taking the easy way. I want the challenge and the risk of creating a family. I'm confident there's a man out there that doesn't think a text message qualifies as foreplay 🙂

    1. LOL – I see you girl! You're not slick 😉 LOL

      "I’m confident there’s a man out there that doesn’t think a text message qualifies as foreplay"

  29. Kudos to a thought provoking original post that the masses are discussing

    Hugh, Reecie, DrJ combined all state my views on this topic.

    I want the ideal, not just to get by.

    2 parents = the best dynamic for the child. Not doable, not just as good… the BEST!

  30. This post was great!

    I believe it's probably ideal to have another parent present to raise a child, but it is not necessary to make a family. I agree with your friend that it really does take love to create a family because there are situations in which people are considered a part of a family and there is no connection besides love.

    As for myself, I would love to be married and have a traditional family, but despite what many people say, I am finding that the men that I meet are just not interested in having a family. I was in a relationship for 3 years with a man who talked a good one, but in the end was just wasting my time. My friends have also met and dated similar men. So I know I have to be realistic and when I plan my future. I would love to have a child of my own, whether by birth or adoption and the older I get, the more I realize that a man does not have to be there. When I was younger, I thought differently, but age and experience has changed my perspective on the matter.

  31. Hmph…sticky one. For me, I would love to have a man as the head of the household. I'm really not interested in making all of the decisions alone. But I know when we get to a certain age our doctors actually advise us to try to conceive because after a certain age the health risk are higher when having children. But I would rather adopt than artificially inseminate. I think that is because I am a Social Worker and see so many kids who need homes. But if I had to choose, I would choose a father for my future children. And I come from a single parent home.

  32. You know I had an old college friend of mine reconnect with me on FB and she was telling me that she is pregnant and due any day. But the part that had my scrunched in the face was that she dumped her child's father. Those were her words "I had to dump him girl". Now I don't know the dynamics of the relationship but I know her. She basically says that he isn't any good. Didn't you know this when you were dating him??? We as women have to do better with dating. Do your research. We will research anything else to see if it is reliable, durable, longevity, and etc…why not men.

    1. "We as women have to do better with dating. Do your research. We will research anything else to see if it is reliable, durable, longevity, and etc…why not men."

      http://www.gifsoup.com/view4/1079570/fancy-feet-o
      *makes it rain in the offering plate*

      We gotta stop pretending that getting pregnant was a surprise, completely out of our control. You do enough practicing, you're gonna get it right one time.

      1. EXACTLY! I am sorry, but just because you laid down and produced a child does not mean he will all of a sudden become what is he obviously not.

        Some women kill me with this. Both men and women have the responsibility to have a plan concerning starting a family.

        Most women even KNOW what they are dealing with an still act surprise when dude goes wacky after the baby comes.

        I paid attention to the fact that most single parents are MOTHERS by default, so I knew not to even go there. I see TOO MANY women playing the victim. Also, I knew to never have a child unless I (I) was prepared to one day do it alone if it came to that. This is the world we live in and you have to be ready for anything.

        I see many young women having babies to keep nogood dudes around or to be in competition with the other baby momma's…yes…this is really going on in abundance in places. Sad iKnow.

        1. Like, yeah…he already has 6 children by 5 different women, yet you REALLY thought you would be different.

          OR

          After the pregnancy test shows positive you call ole' dude you let hit from the club couple of months back and you find out his real name ain't even Steve. He tells you it ain't his and to not call him again. He don't even care if Maury would say, YOU ARE THE FATHER (d*uchebag)

          Real life.

          Yes there are some unforeseen circumstances that will have you doing it alone, but its situations such as these that have you mad at the world when you should really be mad at yourself.

        2. Women AND men need to think carefully about who they choose to procreate with.

          I know good men who have baby mommas that use their child as a weapon. He probably saw some of that in her before the child came along but thought it made her feisty

    2. Excellent point! I have a personal rule that I will not have sex with someone if I would have a problem with them getting pregnant. Yes I have broken this a few times but it has kept me highly selective of the pools I skinny dip in (which is an entirely separate issue) or go in with a scuba suit.

    1. That's an apt metaphor. You could get a car with bad credit, but you'll be paying more for the car, and you probably can't get the car you want because your options are limited. Your baby (in this case, your wallet), is worse off for it, but you could make it work.

  33. "It does make me wonder if the concept of family changes with age or if some people never had their mind made on what they considered a family in the first place."

    I believe the concept of family has changed period…..

    “However, if you cannot find or have a man who will lay with you and make a family and forego that entire process and just show up to a clinic, you are telling God that his plan or his way is not working for you.” DR J

    @ DJ J***Very interesting concept. Never thought about it that way. But you’re right. If you believe in the man above, then you should also believe that if it’s meant to be, then it will be, in the ‘right’ way. I believe the OLD concept of family is man/woman, husband/wife, and child (if that’s in God’s plan). But the reality is that sometimes a woman is not able to conceive with her spouse, for medical reasons beyond her control. Or maybe it’s the man that can not produce. So the ideal family may not exist with this couple.

    So are they to be childless? Or Is that the way ‘God intended’, if that in fact was ‘God’s Plan’ or do they adopt? Are the children that are orphaned or given up for adoption, or ripped from their dysfunctional homes, not worthy of a family because ‘God’s plan’ was for them not to be raised by the parent’s they were born from? I can go on with different scenarios that involve the concept of family.

    Do I agree with her chose to not wait on a man or ‘husband’ and take matters into her own hands? Who am I to judge what is right for another person? I am a single mother. I chose to walk away from a marriage that wasn’t working. Did I mean for my children not to grow up in the same house hold as their father? No. Would I prefer to have a happy home, with a wonderful man and raise our kids together? Yes. But the sad truth is it didn’t work out that way.

    I can’t say whether or not I would go the route she did, if I hadn’t met the ‘man of my dreams’ (still haven't, thought I did) to have a family with. But there are a lot of children out there with a mother and father that actually MET each other, and now have half of 2 parents it took to conceive them. That is no different than 1 parent choosing to have and love that same child. I would say this though, although the love of one parent can make a child, a happy, stable, well rounded individual, I do believe there is something to be said about having 2 loving, stable parents in the household, which, in theory, could make them an even ‘better’ well-rounded person.

    1. * 63 percent of youth suicides are from fatherless homes

      * 90 percent of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes

      * 85 percent of all children who show behavior disorders come from fatherless homes

      * 80 percent of rapists with anger problems come from fatherless homes

      * 71 percent of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes

      * 75 percent of all adolescent patients in chemical-abuse centers come from fatherless homes

      * 85 percent of all youths in prison come from fatherless homes

      But, but, a man doesn't make a family, love does! She can't wait for a man! And who are you to tell a woman what to do? Her clock is ticking, and she wants a baby!

      (end sarcasm)

  34. Great post.

    Like most people, I grew up with the ideal. A 2 parent home,extended family etc. Typical African upbringing. I took it for granted that, that would be my reality as well.

    I never thought I'd have to deal with fertility issues. I thought I had time, "I'm only in my 20's afterall". Up until that point, I did not want kids. But once that choice was "taken away" (for lack of a better expression),ish got real- fast!

    Is A.I an option? You bet. Is it selfish? Absolutely. At least I have that choice,that chance-however slim.

    Would I prefer a father for my child,and a husband for myself? No doubt. But beggars are not choosers. And for people with fertility problems,time is just not on their side.

    I had to de-lurk (again) for this one.:-)

  35. I hate being on travel, I miss all the good posts… Ah well.

    Good post Slimmykins… I agree w/ the post in the sense that I don't see myself in a family or creating a family w/o a husband. Now, with that said… I have recently been debating my desire for children. I love kids. & I love that my husband and I could come together and create something that is essentially our love manifested. However, there are things that I believe in… that I take to heart that I'd be devastated if my child strayed from. I've also come to realize the depth of responsiblilty in raising another soul — in essence, I think I'm scared to death. Can I get over this fear? Quite possibly, I think the right man could easily assuage my fears but they were fears I didn't know I had until recently.

    I will also say that if I get to a certain point in life and I haven't met a man (late 40s) that is husband/baby material, I would most definitely consider adoption. I wouldn't do A.I. because to me, creating a child w/o knowing his/her father and forcing them to come up in a one parent household is seemingly selfish. You created a child to have 'less' to massage your own ticking time bomb… adoption however, is caring for a soul that is already here. And although, I probably wouldn't technically consider my child & I a 'family' I'd give them all the love/support I could manage from various sources b/c at that point… it's me or the system.

  36. Being from an unhealthy black family environment, I believe that a family does consist of a man and woman. The most significant data I can pass on to my children and grandchildren from my grandparents, "Marry this woman with child before it is born." My parents married a short time afterwards, followed by my birth. This showed much compromise and selflessness, which most partners are unwilling to submit to. Forty years later, my black man isn't interested in my black love. I'm not his only woman, and his love crosses the color line. He hates the darker woman but stays with both. Does It Take A Man To Make A Family? All my years of being a woman possessing duality traits of strengths and vulnerabilities, I still do say that it does take a man to make a family. A new goal is to adopt a child with a husband.

LEAVE YOUR COMMENT

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Get SBM Delivered

Get SBM Delivered

Single Black Male provides dating and relationship
advice for today's single looking for love

You have Successfully Subscribed!

Pin It on Pinterest

Shares
Share This