Home Dating & Relationships Men's Relationship Advice How to Talk to Women and Get Anywhere: Part II

How to Talk to Women and Get Anywhere: Part II

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So he told her, "PDA is so 2009." What he meant was, "My side jawn is in here, chill with all that."

 About four months ago, I wrote a Part I to this series to much success.  A lot of women would love to hear less about them and prefer that we talk about men and what men need to do.  In the backroom, I will tell the fellas that we don’t have to do much, and that’s perfectly fine … if you don’t plan on having any women in that backroom with you.  Reality tells us that we just have to learn to be better men.  The normal malfeasance that goes on in the streets bothers me greatly because at times it’s like watching your favorite team’s quarterback throw an errant pass across the field.  You’re watching it thinking that this is the worst decision ever, and then finally without fail, it’s intercepted and the game is over … we all go home.

So there’s going to come a time when you have to talk to women.  You’re going to have to open your mouth and say something and pray that it’s not the most ignorant thing you’ve ever said out your mouth.  Take a knee and open up your notepads.

From time to time, make her feel special without dirty talk – It takes a man to be able to compliment a woman, or say something meaningful without turning it into sex talk and slow jams.  Nothing turns a woman off quicker than textual communications that go straight to talking about sex.  Her: How’s your day going?  Me: Good, can’t wait until you come over tonight, breaking out the ice.  Her: [Smh…] If you are an effective listener, you will know what she likes to do, or what’s going on in her life that’s important.  Starting a sentence off like this, is a good strategy, “That’s one thing I like about you…”  Try a compliment about her personality, ability to get things done, or something that she was worried about but she overcame it.

See Also:  The Power of ‘We’ – A Fresh Perspective on an Old Tradition

The first time you have a misunderstanding – You’re going to have disagreements, but it’s important that you don’t fly off the handle at the first sight of a disagreement.  I know that too often men want to think they are such hot shots and they come across disrespectful.  99% of all problems with women can be solved by just letting them express themselves.  “My bad about that, what’s up?  Talk to me.” THIS, will get her to start talking to you and she will likely tell you what you did wrong and how to do it better in the future.  Not saying that you have to do anything though, just listening will make her feel ten times better.

Letting her know whether you want a situation or a relationship – Men believe that silence is golden.  Dr. J believes that I’m going to tell you something, package it perfectly, and you’re going to like it.  Be direct and speak first.  If you want to make a girl your girlfriend, do NOT say, “I’m trying to make you my girlfriend.” You say, “I do not believe in relationships without substance.  I hope that this is building into something worth having.”  If you just want a situation, “I really have fun with you, I’m glad that you don’t pressure me either way about things.  I am really excited to see where this goes.”  (Straight to your mama’s bed, lol.)

See Also:  Ten Relationship Fails Men and Women Do That Make Absolutely No Sense

Setting boundaries and sticking to them – A man can get so much accomplished by being firm and strong.  “Please keep in mind that those are my friends, and although you do not have to like them, you will respect them” is way better than, “Don’t be talking sh*t about me and my boys, b*tch!”  A lot of women don’t like this, but I’m going to take it a step further, sometimes you may not say what she wants to hear, caving in later will not help her respect you.  So if you said, “I am just not going to be the type of boyfriend who buys you everything you want, especially if it’s seasonal,” don’t turn around and then the following week break down and buy her those Fendi loafers because she wouldn’t give you none.  She just won’t respect your word.  My daddy told me, “I may be wrong, but you are going to know that when I say I’m going to do something, that I am a man of my word.”

Other women you’re not sleeping with – I’m letting you know right now, I could write a post on this topic.  An entire post on this topic.  You have to learn how to talk to those chicks you are not sleeping with.  Women are just as grimy as men sometimes.  You don’t have to be nasty, but you need to be straight up.  When you’re in a relationship or situation, the women outside will test you more than Lucy in the desert on day 35.  They will hug you two seconds too long, they will get you to do favors that they could do for themselves, they will try and get you to buy them things.  You have to back these chicks off.  The key is to nip it in the bud early.  “Chill, that’s not cool, I’m seeing somebody right now.”  However, if you are still talking about the last time you had sex with an old flame at 3AM, you are … a … hot a*s mess.

See Also:  3 Increasingly Lame Blog Rebuttals

I’m going to keep these series up from time to time.  I think the next one I’ll talk about breakups.  I think that it should be noted that none of my exes hate me or feel bad about me.  In fact, some of them are good friends today.  No I don’t hang out with them, or share candy or beverages, but if we are in the same place we can be cordial and endearing.  Correction: All of the exes that I knew I was in a relationship with, when we were allegedly in a relationship.  That one chick who said we were together without telling me, she can go to hell.

Comment(93)

  1. Not saying that you have to do anything though, just listening will make her feel ten times better.

    ^^^Amen…though it would be nice if they could actively try to fix whatever it is that got us upset in the first place!

    So if you said, “I am just not going to be the type of boyfriend who buys you everything you want, especially if it’s seasonal,” don’t turn around and then the following week break down and buy her those Fendi loafers because she wouldn’t give you none.

    ^^^I hate when guys think that they constantly have to spend. I hung out with a friend of mine and all i was saying is that i was hungry & he goes "You just decided to hang out with us and you expect me to feed you"…that wasn't the intention. I had my own money & was very capable of buying my own food, which i did. All women don't seek that out so keep it in mind.

    They will hug you two seconds too long, they will get you to do favors that they could do for themselves, they will try and get you to buy them things.

    ^^^I'm not one of those types of friends. I have jumped on a guy friend before & then he told me to chill cause his girl may be around but i had NO CLUE about her…had i known, i would've just hugged him quickly & asked him how the heck has he been (he graduated and it had been a while since i last saw him). I respect the girlfriend because i would want to be respected by his female friends as a girlfriend.

    This is a great post!

    1. Amen on your second point! I can't even mention that I'm hungry? How many times have I swindled you into paying for something for me? None. So watch your mouth. I feed myself everyday…this day is no different player.

      Eff yo money! What I look like subliminally beggin you for a meal? Did you just meet me?? FOH!

      #YeahIMayBeALilMad

      1. I totally agree…once i was just chillin w/ him while he was eating (i wasn't hungry yet) & he said "close mouths don't get fed" and i simply stated that i wasn't hungry yet. The pizza place didn't really have anything healthy & i didn't want him to spend money on me. It maybe a cross between his ego & trying to be a gentleman? i have no clue though.

  2. Being a priority to my significant other is really the key for me. When I am precious/special to the guy I am dating, all these things listed become second nature to him. Good list, although I feel as if the listed items should be natural when you really want somebody.

  3. That one chick who said we were together without telling me, she can go to hell.

    Ha! That made me chuckle. Moving along

    I didn't read the 1st part but I'll definitely give it a good read later. 2 tailfeather whoops for backward series reading. And to go through these posts:

    1. Making her feel special – amen. Nothing rubs me wrong more than hearing the 1st or even 4th thing said to me being about him stroking me a kinda way. -_- Stop it. There are other ways to me than through my pants.

    2. Misunderstanding – why is listening to us so hard? Everyone, not just women, like to argue for the sake of arguing period. Blah. Humbug. Hell, agreeing will do the trick, as you said.

    3. Situation vs relationship – this reminds me of that post that was done about communicating whether or not you're in a relationship with someone or not. Communication is always key. Always make everything clear.

    4. Boundaries – I'll admit to not taking this no good MF seriously ever again once he backed down from his "we're not having s*x again" statement. Had to give him the

    http://www.krackblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/

    Like, cmonson. It's been a fluid 2 years. You think you can stop? I mean, I can. No gas. But I wouldn't. Even if I've said it too. Yeah, I admit it too. I didn't take myself seriously then but still. We're not talking about me. It's about you right now. Remember, not me. So yeah, I don't take you seriously sir. But I hope you get the point now. …Did I just break off into a… nevermind.

    5. Other women – ahh. Because women can be and will be trifling when given leeway. Even when you set them straight, some take it as a turn on that you're being so stern with them and go a bit harder. Then that's like an unwritten permission memo to disrespect them and violate so that they really get it this time. And YES! With the gotdangit 3am phone calls, reminiscing about old times talmbout,

    them: "Hey wassup. What are you doing?"

    Trust me on this reply:

    me: Skydiving, damnit.

    or

    them: "Hey wassup. Where are you?"

    Trust me on this reply also cuz it's happened recently:

    me: In Madagascar. (s/o to thatdamnafrican, that answer still kills me lmao)

    But yes, cutting off the loose strings on your clothing will definitely prevent any future snagging.

    With all that said, I bid you adieu.

  4. What I find ironic is that I have been doing all these things and most women I have come across think there is something wrong with ME as a result.

    There is no feeling worse than being passed up because you WERE doing what women supposedly want out of you as a man.

    I'm almost convinced women WANT their men to be slightly effed up in the head and in their actions because doing the right thing gets you NOWHERE. I will believe differently when the results start to support it.

    1. TheRealestLeo –

      Sounds like you going after the wrong type dude.

      Maybe changing the type of women you date will help. However, do not keep bumping your head against the wall and getting upset with the wall.

      1. @ Beef Bacon

        At this point, it doesn't matter what I do because I have pretty much exhausted all feasible options within the spectrum of possible options.

        I don't know what type of women I should date because very few of them have shown any real interest. This is one of those things where you need evidence in order to make an educated conclusion.

        1. I still agree with Beef Bacon, but maybe you're right, maybe you have to be there.

          Real talk, the common denominator is you, BUT, there are other variables (so many) that could be affecting why you're attracting or perhaps entertaining a certain type.

        2. Yes, the common denominator is me, but when you've stepped back, analyzed the game, analyzed your part in the game, gotten back in there, and still come up with less of the nothing that you were experiencing before the analysis…..What do you do then?

          The common denominator doesn't matter if there was never a numerator to begin with.

        3. When you feel defeated you will BE defeated.

          Don't give up so easily, I am sure you are under 70 y.o. with all your wits so you have time man.

          Just don't become a MAN FED UP. Those dudes are wose than bitter women…sheesh.

        4. I will never give up on women, but y'all have pissed me off to 'the highest levels of pissed-ivity', as the late great Robin Harris used to say.

    2. I know chicks like that. One of my good friends loves for men to be "Ike-like", that's Ike Turner folks. I keep telling her that's a bad idea because Ike-Like turns into Ike at some point.

        1. Ike-like ~ An male that will sternly "set straight" a woman. He does not use any physical methods mostly verbal. The Ike-Like male is attractive to many females because he is strong willed in their eyes and will not take any nonsense and will let that be known.

          Ike ~ A male that will set a woman straight by any means necessary. Usually characterized by stuffing cake in the mouth of the female because the cake is indeed good. Physical abuse is usually a surprise when it begins but is later accepted as "the way he is. He loves me though".

      1. Oh, well thanks for breaking that down. I'm would definitely say no thank you to Ike-Like AND Ike. But now I know the difference, LOL.

      2. TheRealestLeo: I’m almost convinced women WANT their men to be slightly effed up in the head and in their actions.

        Sad to say but You and TRL ain't lying…. I know females who GET OFF on these types of dudes. They start *ish* just to see ole boy go apesh*t because no matter the outcome (busted lip/fingerprintsOnNeck/broken glass/tv's,

        etc.) the end result ALWAYS leads to chexing. #NoLie

    3. Understood, but who's doing the analyzing? Just you? Sometimes you can only see it from your perspective at times and someone or multiple someones may have to have some insight as well. Just my opinion though 🙂

      1. In order for me to get someone else's analysis, I would have to meet someone that was willing to provide said analysis. This person would have to also actually know enough about me as a person and know about what I'm looking for in order for their advice to be actually relevant.

        In terms of women, I don't have anyone that fits that bill. So all I have to go off of is myself.

        1. A cousin, a friend, no one? You don't have at least ONE woman in your life that can give you some honest advice on what the issue may be? That may help.

        2. What Beef Bacon said. A lot of times people (friends/family) can see things you can't OR point out things that may be turning women off or giving off a different vibe than what you've intended.

          Also, women can be superficial just like men, so it's really all in how you're presenting and carrying yourself in any given situation and also the type of women you're going after.

          I mean, if you're going to the strip club looking for a wife, well, you may find yourself a little frustrated. Of course that's an extreme example (well, not that much).

          But, you'll need some secondary feedback is the bottom line. I mean, ask a coworker or someone who's around you a lot.

          Believe me, I understand the frustration. Also, are you being unrealistic in your expectation? Because if you are, then it may take a little longer to find what you want as well. If you have expectations of others, you'll have to meet expectations of theirs as well. Just saying…good luck!

          This is a great blog though!

    4. Am I in an alternate universe? This whole thread has my head spinning…

      The role reversal is…well, I just feel some sorta way about it…

      1. I hear this all the time from men. It is just as hard for them to find a decent woman. Maybe it is their expectations, where their looking or even them that is the issue, but it happens to them too.

        I was JUST talking with my husband on why things have gotten so wacky. I think since men did not use self-control they are the reasons the world is so sad now. Men did not understand that their treatment of women in the olden days and their whorish ways would catch up with them. They have the responsibility to lead and lead by example; this is what did not happen so…this is what it has come to.

        Ironic and funny as hell if you ask me.

        1. Sure it happens to men too. I think it's the regurgitation of the same advice that was given to women during the Single Black Women Crisis of aught 9 and 10 that cued the Twilight Zone music for me…

          – It's not them, it's you

          – You're not looking hard enough/in the right places

          – Your standards are too high

          …all that's left is to tell him that as his stock plummets, women's stocks are rising as they age (completely untrue of course, but the last lil bullet point of that convo that happened ad nauseum across this world of webs shoot and I forgot – all the single women are dating "out", in jail, or gay)

          Ironic for sure, but as a single lady (No Beyonce), it's harder for me and my eggs to find the humor in it.

          I'm not a huge fan of blaming the one seeking help. Not that ya'll weren't trying to help, I genuinely think that you were and maybe you did. I just put myself in his shoes and I sure hated hearing that stuff…especially the 2,357,415th and 2,357,416th time.

          As cliche as it is, I'm a much bigger fan of "anything worth having is worth fighting for". Keep up the fight.

          That sounded emo, it really wasn't…just odd for me to see the complete role reversal and for the script to be so eerily similar…

        2. I will only hear "Keep working on yourself and the right woman will come along when it's time" so may times before I am ready to stab people in their eyeballs and break the sockets.

          I wake up every day, go to work, pay my bills, and stay in decent shape for what? I went to Howard…..for what? I joined the military…..for what? I've been working on myself since I hopped out the womb in '84.

          I've BEEN doing stuff for myself. Problem is….I'm all I got. And I am one mean, selfish mofo as a result.

        3. @TheRealestLeo

          Reading your comment makes me wanna say …. WooWooWoo. #NoShotsIPromise

          I don't understand because there are alot of women out here looking for what you have to offer on paper BUT yet you say that you are having a hard time finding THE ONE. Maybe you can try looking in different venues than where you have been looking in before (ie. churches, libraries, bookstores, supermarkets, etc.) just to throw a few places out there if you haven't already exhausted those avenues. *shrug*

          It's not everyday you hear a MALE having problems finding a GOOD woman since there are so many of us out there so reading your posts today have me confuzzled *Justsayin

          But I did read where you said that you are a mean and selfish MoFo because of it so do you think maybe just maybe it may rear its head when you approach a female?

          *JustAskin

          #WearingBootlegTherapistFedora

        4. Hey Kirk you're preaching to GP, ya hear me? I feel you, I mean I feeeeeeel you. If I hear ONE more time what a great wife/mother I'd be I'ma go SWF on somebody!

          But what's the alternative? Becoming a mean, selfish mofo will not help you in your search for wifey. Don't wait to live your life til you have a partner. Yeah, you'd prefer to have her now, but you don't. Enjoy the great things that there are about being single. It does have it's perks (in my opinion, and it seems in yours, they are not as great as the benefits of the elusive Kingdom of BooedUp, but perks nonetheless). And being out there living is how you find her…I hope…that's certainly my plan…

          For real, hopefully you did allathis – "I wake up every day, go to work, pay my bills, and stay in decent shape for what? I went to Howard…..for what? I joined the military…..for what?" because that's what men do, scratch that, that's what people do. If you're doing all that for someone else, real talk, you'll eventually resent them for not being your end all be all. It'll always be a "but I did _______ FOR YOU!" There's no scoreboard in relationships. Not without resentment.

          I know you're just frustrated, but I couldn't just not comment on that lil part.

          Good luck man.

        5. @ GirlSixx and Starita

          I do what I do for myself. Of course.

          But the longer I remain by myself…..the more difficult it will be to trust a woman. And I already don't trust that many of y'all mofos as it is. I pray that I'm not still on this same ish when I hit 30….or Lawd forbid that I make it further up the ranks in the military…..because I might as well sign my confirmed bachelor card then.

          As human beings, we have an innate desire to feel wanted, to feel appreciated, or to feel like someone in the world at least sees the good in us. I want to feel like I matter to SOMEONE besides myself. I know I could wake up every day for the rest of my life and continue to be single and live my solo life…..but that would be a short, lonely existence. Who wants that?

    5. Leo you hit the nail on the head. on paper this is perfect, but women don't want perfect, they want damaged goods. And those that say they don't are lying– let's do a rollcall on their ex boyfriends and see the grimy goons that come out of the closet.

      1. Well now if that isn't the easiest fight in the world to fight! lol Of course we like imperfect men…that's all men! lol

        and b) they're exes for a reason (sorta works against your theory).

        P.S. – I know I'm not the norm, but my exes were pretty great. *shrug*

      2. Actually, on paper women DO want the perfect man. That's why y'all got a scroll long enough to circle the equator twice on what qualities your man needs to have.

        It's in action that it all becomes clear….Y'all want Joe the smart, tall, athletic, no kid-having, 12-figure a year making computer engineer, but y'all somehow end up with Ricky the fry station manager at Jack In the Box because his d*ck game was vicious and he drove a box Caprice on 45 inch rims.

        1. Seriously, I understand your frustration. We all double talk (not "we" as in women, "we" as in everydamnbody). Plenty of times we take what feels good and not what's good for us.

          But you deaded your own argument. You said we only will accept perfection, but then we end up with a fry manager with a big d!ck and bad credit (based on his financial decision to invest thousands on a hunk of depreciating metal when he likely makes minimum wage).

          We want lots of different things, just like you men do…just gotta find your fit. I'm not saying it doesn't suck, just saying not to give up.

        2. I didn't deaden my argument.

          The point I was trying to make is that women will end up with a guy that falls way below what they are looking for long before they fall for a guy that falls way ABOVE what they are used to ending up with.

          And as the guy that has been passed over for drug dealers, deadbeats, abusers, cheaters, a motherfucker that couldn't pass high school geometry (no Waka Flocka) and even a couple of eventual homosexuals…..that hurts on the inside.

  5. Co sign the whole post especially the last part…if you dont check it quick you can me on the phone with your S/O and the other women will try loud talkin you ( whos that on your phone)

  6. This was a solid post. But I have never really had those problems with women. Any woman I have dated has considered me kinda mean or just diff. than any other guy they've encounter so they do a lil extra. But I think it all ties into "others will treat you how you treat yourself. If you are a bu11sh!tter they will try to bu11sh!t you.

    It goes vice versa, (man/woman) (woman/man)

  7. Great post, Dr. J.

    Co-signing 100%.

    "Setting boundaries and sticking to them"

    As much as I hate to admit it, this is true. I had an SO who had lost his job and so although we could go out and whatnot, it wasn't as often. One day, I was talking about something regarding food for that day and he was like, "Do you want to go out for breakfast OR dinner?" So, I was like, "Ok cool." And that was that.

    "Other women you’re not sleeping with"

    THIS. It's the respectful thing to do and it cuts down on misunderstandings. I've had to fall back when my male friend's got SO's and wives. Things had to change.

  8. Great Post Dr. J!

    I have found that when I go to any man to talk, that I have to begin by saying. "I do not need you to fix anything, just listen to me." He relaxes takes off the tool belt and actually LISTENS. Works every time. I think men are wired to want to save or rescue us from anything unpleasant. Although this is very well appreciated…most of the time, I just need an ear to vent in.

    The other women you are not sleeping with – You have to check chicks including sisters and mothers at time. Some men are so naive when it comes to the ways of women. We are some slick itches at times. I know if I went bad that I would truly be BAD…so I try to help guys by warning them when I see them being PLAYED and obviously played at that.

  9. Excellent post today.

    1. From time to time, make her feel special without dirty talk – I honestly hate dirty talk. I feel silly doing it. But I will complement you in every other way possible on a regular.

    2. The first time you have a misunderstanding – I'm a man of few words so I do a crapton of listening and only speak when I have a complete thought and one that will get my point across after saying it one time, usually.

    3. Letting her know whether you want a situation or a relationship – I can go either way with this one. My last relationship didn't have any titles until a year after it was established. I loved it, she was okay with it. I'm of the mindset that if we are both exclusive to the other then titles are for people outside of the relationship; and I don't let other people define my relationships.

    4. Setting boundaries and sticking to them – I think you should add "respecting other's boundaries" to this as well. There are plenty of time where I want to say something about a situation my fiance has told me (too much) about but I don't because those are her friends usually. I tell her very little that goes on with my friend because I don't think its her business usually unless she will be affected by it in some way.

    5. Other women you’re not sleeping with – I guess I have a good selection of female friends because I can't think of a time one has tested me when I've been in a relationship.

  10. “I may be wrong, but you are going to know that when I say I’m going to do something, that I am a man of my word.”

    I think this quote is one of the most powerful weapons any one, specially a man, could say to someone, even more powerful when you follow thru with it.

    All the points made Dr. J are right on point.

    Speak up! A lot of drama would be avoided if you'd only talk

    1. @ em or dap em. LOL

      But yeah… Cosign Tunde. Soemtimes these skills are learned. Sometimes they are inherent.

      I would say don't let pride blind you to the effectiveness of what Dr J states in this post.

      1. i don't have anyone to @. i'm just saying only a wack dude wouldn't at least no these things. practicing them is a completely different thing.

        i appreciate what he's trying to do. like i said, wack dudes just might not know.

  11. Gospel of J, Chapter of Truth, Verse Yougotthatright:
    " “My bad about that, what’s up? Talk to me.” THIS, will get her to start talking to you and she will likely tell you what you did wrong and how to do it better in the future. Not saying that you have to do anything though, just listening will make her feel ten times better."

    "Letting her know whether you want a situation or a relationship" <– Yes
    All the words that followed that subheading? Nosign! Be upfront, don't package it pretty like…wanna know why? All she hears is "I'm a scared man that can't admit my feelings/can't commit/can't keep my richard in my pants/am too cool to admit I'm feeling you but you can change all that" No bueno. Impending sh!t storm in 5…4…3…2… this only perpetuates the "b!tches are crazy" and "men ain't sh!t" mentality. Try some truth in ya life.

    And then J came back and totally redeemed himself with "Setting boundaries and sticking to them". I have no choice to respect a man whose word is his bond. Especially Even when he's telling me "no".

    And you better be nipping the "remember when" convos with a quickness! Did that really need to be stated? Oh hell naw…

    Fun post J! 🙂

    1. I think you missed my second point, I wasn't saying that I was going to lie, I meant I would use tact.

      Packaging it perfectly means, instead of saying, "I'm just trying to f*ck," i'll just make it clear that I do not want a relationships and a physical relationship is as far as this will go.

      For some reason, "I'm trying to beat" doesn't work well with women.

      1. You had me until "I am really excited to see where this goes." What girl that's diggin you would say – "Oh yeah, that totally means "for the night?" No, she'd think that you meant where this will go in the future…that's when you see the crazy start to pool in her eyes when you try to pull a JWall on her.

        You know which girls don't mind "let's have fun for the night" or "let me beat"…the girl's that are down for that…and those are the ones that you should be hitting on that level! I'm all for not being disrespectful, but there's a fine line between making it sound like a nice "situation" and making it sound like a totally different "relationship".

        "I am really excited to see where this goes." = relationship to me…*shrug*

        We agree in theory, just our methods and the semantics are barriers remind you of anything else?.

        1. I see what you're saying, but i'm not talking about oen night. The reason why I said, you don't pressure me, means please don't pressure me into a relationship. A situation is an agreed to circumstance amongst two (or more) individuals that may be anything up to the point of a relationship, but just not a relationship.

        2. I didn't comment b/c I KNEW Starita would have my back on this… I felt the ENTIRE post until that one little measley fragment of a sentence. Just like my girl Star, I interpret (as do most women I know) "see where this goes…" as a reference to future possibilities. I also get what you said w/ the non-pressure thing… I understand that, however as a girl who NEVER pressures a man into anything I feel that sometimes I often get the short end of the stick in these situation-ships. A situation is fine if that's all it's going to be but I definitely think it should be said definitively if/when you figure out that is ALL you want from the other individual.

    1. Say what you mean and mean what you say, then act accordingly.

      *waves church fan* *puts $10 in the collection plate*

      I know soooo many men who say they aren't in it for a relationship and then begin acting like a BF. Okaaaayyyyy… color me confused & confuddled. However, I refuse to renege on the original agreement & start acting like your girl b/c as soon as I do that… I'm crazy.

      [Scene: At the store buying the crazy woman w/e she requested]

      Him: I told her I wasn't e'en looking for alla dat dawg.

      Tyrone: You know women. They crazy son.

      Him: [sending a 'thinkin bout you text'] Just listen to the words that are comin outta my mouth! Dam. Is it that hard?

      Tyrone: *shakin his head* Right. Ka-ray-zeee.

      1. THIS!!!

        Stop treating me like a girlfriend if you don't want a girlfriend!! If you're half a decent man, I'm going to develop feelings for your "confused" ass!!!!!!!!!!

        1. @ Starita

          He isn't confused. He wants you to be available to him so he is going to treat you well to keep you around.

          MAN.ip.u.lation at its best!

        2. @BeefBacon

          This is the 'In the pocket' symdrome… My girls and I labeled it that. It's essentially what you just said, a man treating you well… like his ONLY when you've stated that this is just a 'situation' and not a 'relationship' which essentially leaves you free to go find a relationship as a women but why would you when you've already developed something w/ this dude who is offering everything you want BUT the relationship…

          We call in 'in the pocket' b/c it's like he's keeping you & your 'thing' well maintained and 'in the pocket' in case he needs it.

        3. @ So Flyy

          Doesn't she know she can get out of the pocket though? I mean, its becomes a matter of self-preservation at some point.

          Dude isn't offering me enough if the MAIN thing I need is the relationship. It goes back to women waiting on dudes to make choices. If he isn't budging, it may be time to let it go. Yes, it will hurt and the unknown is even more unimaginable, but you got to take a chance.

          Me: You know how I feel about you and we have been kicking it for a while now and I feel confused because you treat me like I’m your boo but you keep saying it is just a situation, so what's really going on?

          Him: Well baby, I like you and all but I am just not ready I don’t want to hurt you {but I do like getting the booty and the food you cook for me and all the other stuff you do}….

          That is her cue to exit stage left; or continue to waste her time…totally her choice.

        4. Thanks girl, glad you got it. I was afraid it wouldn't come across in text and I'd get speeches on how it wasn't lying because blah, blah, blah 😉

        5. Beef Bacon: He isn’t confused. He wants you to be available to him so he is going to treat you well to keep you around.

          MAN.ip.u.lation at its best!

          ^^^TWSS!!!!!

          *DrumSnares*

          Almost similar to married man/mistress/sidepiece type dealings except that for the most part they know and play their position.

  12. [If you want to make a girl your girlfriend, do NOT say, “I’m trying to make you my girlfriend.” You say, “I do not believe in relationships without substance. I hope that this is building into something worth having.” If you just want a situation, “I really have fun with you, I’m glad that you don’t pressure me either way about things. I am really excited to see where this goes.” (Straight to your mama’s bed, lol.)]

    If Only!!!!!……… *ShakesHead*

    If at least 50% of the male population took this kind of approach there wouldn't be any need for real life documentary shows like "Snapped, "Women Behind Bars," "Black Widow", etc.

    I can definitely respect a man being upfront and clear on what his intentions are instead of using smokescreens and dougie"ing around the situation.

    My2Cents

    1. And when a man is direct like that you get "there are no good men ready to settle down" statements.

      I agree with not dancing around the situation but the reality is that some women can't really take a man being direct about NOT wanting to be in a relationship.

      1. Your right some women still can't handle a man being direct BUT this is 2010 and us Ladies well most of us are on some NuNu Type Bizness so please believe we are able/capable to deal with the Upfront/Direct Brotha.

      2. "And when a man is direct like that you get “there are no good men ready to settle down” statements."

        You're right, and that's unfair because what she means is she can't find a man that wants the same thing as her. That man's not "no good" he's just looking for something different than she is.

        Just as "some women still can’t handle a man being direct" is unfair because the fact that a man didn't get the desired result when upfront doesn't mean that I can't "handle" your truth, it means that I don't want it.

        sn: not to junx myself, but God I love a good discussion with rational human beings…

      3. THIS. I know I may seem to agree with dudes alot, but I see what Animate means.

        Some women pretend like they did not hear dude say they are not ready to settle down or that he just kept talking about sex on the first date and you let him hit anyway thinking its all going to change him…somehow…*crickets*

        Some women have a way of thinking that the pu-nanny or a baby will make a man change his mind…reality shows otherwise.

        Just go into a situation with your eyes and ears wide open and you will see the real, not some fantasy you made up in your mind.

    2. And when he tells ladies this, I just wish they would listen. Instead they go into "challenge' mode and think….'imma put this good thang on him and he will change'.

      No *tch, he already told you what he wanted, and if that isn't what you want, bounce!

      Bravo!!!!!

    3. You respect him, but would you sleep with him? I wouldn't. Therefore the "reason" that they fell the urge to lie instead…

      1. Maybe — Maybe NOT depending on my wants and needs "drought" at that time, but I wouldn't be going into the situation uninformed..

        1. Right. I agree. I guess I like being somewhat in control of what happens. I hate seeing people go postal so I try to fast forward in mind say 3 months + in my head.

          I'm like, well he's kinds emo already and if I give him the draws, he may be like the last dude and climb up my balcony to cry when he sees I got options.

          Dudes do the same thing.

    4. But like…

      OK, like I never thought this would work but I had a lot of liquid courage in me. I had already got the Carfax on this chick and I saw her from time to time, I would flirt, but the word on the street was, "If you hit that, you go together."

      So one time late in the night, she's asking me questions about why we don't hang out more often and it leads to me putting an offer on the table. And I said this, "Let me be clear, I think you're fly and all that, but you're just not my type to date, like would I smash? Yes, I would do amazing things to your body, but afterwards i'm not going to call you or ask you out on a date, I just want to be clear."

      And she was down.

      "I know she think I just think she some kind of hoe

      I don't give a sh*t about givin it up on the first night

      That just let me know she know what she want out of life"

      – Andre 3Stacks

      1. And everyone knows the score! Bet that chick didn't go crazy on you…and if she did the onus is completely on her, there was nothing left to interpretation in that convo.

        That's how it should go down. Some women are down for a romp, just like some men are open to relationships. Just tango with the right partner and we'll all be happier in the end!

  13. From time to time, make her feel special without dirty talk

    I rarely to this. Usually my past girlfriends instigate the dirty talk.

    The first time you have a misunderstanding

    I typically “don’t fly off the handle”, because I’m a relatively calm individual, but that has been a problem in many of my past relationships. I’ve been told because I’m not a yeller, it seems like I don’t care. I’m reasonable, so I’ll listen to her say what I did was wrong. If I don’t agree, 90% of the time I’ll tell her I understand your point, but I don't agree. 10% of the time, I’ll say whatever, and drop it. Conflict resolution is not my forte. I'm obstinate.

    “Letting her know whether you want a situation or a relationship … Be direct and speak first

    That says it all.

    Cosign on the last two points as well.

      1. It's like some people honestly believe they are communicating their point better by saying the words louder.

        I really p!ss women off when they start yelling and I'm looking at them with a real blank expression. Then she yells louder. Then I make my point in a calm voice. Then she is more irritated and doesn't want to talk to me until she calms down. Then I take the free time to catch up on my reading. Win, win.

        1. that is so me! I just sit there all calm as they go through their spill and then I calmly say my point and they just get madder. I laugh on the inside and proceed to bask in my alone time.

  14. "Correction: All of the exes that I knew I was in a relationship with, when we were allegedly in a relationship. That one chick who said we were together without telling me, she can go to hell."

    LMAO…. TOO DAMN FUNNY!!!

    Where are these people? Who da hell? WTH? lol

    I guess…

    This post was great! It's all about being thoughtful and considerate. I know it's a hard concept to grasp for some men, sense they have lower levels of that harmone, oxytocin, that makes women a lot more sensitive to special needs.

    But for those that understand in order to get positive results in your relationship whether committed or casual, then you might have to go that extra mile and get intune with feminine perspective, we do appreciate you! We might look at you as if you're from another planet sometimes, but that's because there's few and far between.

  15. Doin good so far about avoiding confrontations and keeping arguments with a minimum with my girl. No sense in arguing.

    I do know what youre talkin about max…I hear the same thing…"you just dont care"…but I just dont feel like wasting my time arguing.

    ryan

    Poker Training

  16. Although you mentioned boundaries within the context of one's relationship, I applaud you for touching on those having to do with members of the opposite sex outside the relationship as well. Good reads, parts I & II.

    lol @ the last bit.

  17. laird, you men make it so much more complicated than it needs to be. the only word you'll ever need:

    listen. as in "shut up now, stay shut up, and listen. until she's done talking."

    that may be hell for y'all, but really, it doesn't hurt you nor cost you money. just get over yourselves. let her express herself. i was just talking to a brother today about this. american men are privileged, because the Truth has been revealed to them. but y'all can't seem to perceive it!

    if you travel, you see how it is men in other nations (Dar al Islam, South America, parts of Asia etc) feel compelled to treat their women. which is to say: they have to violently control them to Get Some.

    you don't. you have the wonder of the Liberated Woman all around you, powerful and beautiful and world-changing. she will give you what you want, and all you have to do? shut up for five minutes, listen to what she says, and smile. take it from me boys. i know of what i speak. i probably get more than most of you, truth be told. not trying to (dildo)-measure, but i'm just sayin: it works.

    1. chicago dyke: "listen. as in “shut up now, stay shut up, and listen. until she’s done talking. that may be hell for y’all, but really, it doesn’t hurt you nor cost you money. just get over yourselves…

      …i probably get more than most of you, truth be told."

      Your point is definitely true. The thing is, a lot of times getting some isn't worth the "hell" of "listening until she's done talking".

        1. Not really. It depends on the person. Some women (and I have to assume men) whine and b!tch all the time about the most trivial things. And it gets to the point where you don't even want to hear it.

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