**Bringing you guys a special treat today on SBM, it’s Wisdom Is Misery. He’s been here before, so you know the game. We hope to bring you more guest posts in the future, so please show him some love and check him out at his blog, http://www.wisdomismisery.com.** The key word is “looking.” I don’t usually make widespread assumptions but I’m pretty sure I’m right about this one. Despite the claims to the contrary, men are always looking for serious relationships.
The problem is, we can’t tell women we’re looking for serious relationships because in their conceit they will naturally assume we’re looking for a serious relationship with them specifically. While this is only sometimes the case.
Please note I said men, not boys. Boys are looking to have relations with as many women as possible until the end of time. Men are willing to have relations with as many women as possible but are simultaneously keeping an eye out for a good woman they want to be with exclusively. As I mentioned earlier, we can’t tell women this so we keep it to ourselves.
What men do is:
They meet a woman they might have some potential interest in and they promptly warn her, “I’m not looking for anything serious.” Even though he is. This is code for, I’ve just put you on the possible girlfriend/wife plan but I’m going to wait and see how you act first. If you freak out and give us a speech about what you need and the timeline in which you need it as you work your head back and forth, swivel your index finger in our face, and belittle us about how we need to man up, well we know after 2 dates you’d bring up the marriage conversation – and who wants that?
Instead, without even knowing it, this man is observing you and judging by your actions he will determine which category he’s going to file you under. Jumpoff, side chick, main chick, only chick, or worst case scenario, platonic friend.
I’ve never, ever, everrr met a man that went out with the sole purpose of making a female friend. I believe all male and female friendships happen by accident or destiny. Accident being he was trying to get in your jeans and somewhere he juked when he should have jived and ended up as your BFF. Destiny being yall grew up together, were introduced by family or some other awkward situation that makes you almost like his sister so getting in your jeans would be weird, not that it might not happen one inebriated night, but I digress…
There are circumstances when a man really isn’t feeling you and he says “I’m not looking for anything serious”.
But this means!
1) he’s not attracted to you or
2) he’s trying to see how far he can get with you without getting into a relationship with you, FWB in this beach?
Still, men are always looking for serious relationships because believe it or not most men don’t want to die alone. He might even file you under the ‘future wife’ category and hope some man doesn’t come along and wife you up in the meantime. And given that 45% of black women in America have never married according to CNN, quite frankly, the odds are on his side.
Most, if not all, women have a story where a man looked them dead in the face and said “I’m not looking for anything serious”. Then 2 days/weeks/months later, low and behold, he’s in a serious relationship. Not knowing this man, I don’t know the specifics, but I do know he clearly had his eye open for a relationship and for whatever reason someone else made it to the finish line before you.
I say all this to say, as the title states, men are always looking. We’re just rarely proactively engaging. I don’t know about most men (or people) but generally speaking, I already have an idea of where I see myself with a woman. Just in about 5 minutes into the conversation! It’s really up to them to mess it up even if they aren’t aware of it. But if asked, I’d repeat that I’m not looking for anything serious. Because I’m not, even though I am.
Fellas, am I completely off the mark here? Do you keep your eye out for women you could see yourself with even at the height of your promiscuity? Or are you looking for serious relationships with good women randomly, like the lottery? Ladies, is it the same for you? Do you guys always plan everything while dating? Do you have guys filed into a diverse classification system even when you’re just “dating?”
WOW, this really shined the light on what men really think about women when it comes to dating. It all sounds strategic and its actually a good strategy in weeding out Mrs.Right and Ms Wrong. I think more women should be more strategic when it comes to dating and choosing who to keep around and which dudes to cut off. This article definetely will be reposted on my twitter timeline..Awesome!
*mad hard eyeroll* & *giggle* @ you WIM
(not necessarily in that order & not not necessarily in that order)
Ladies, is it the same for you? Do you have guys filed into a diverse classification system even when you’re just “dating?”
^^^I keep my eyes open but i don't have a diverse classification system cause i'm at the height of my anti-social phase (which is bad because i should be trying to find *sarcastic tone* "the one"). Its really only either Friend or potential s/o for me. In this day & age where everyone is getting preggers, i'm kinda scared to have chex, lol!
I have wondered about men & when they say such things…its funny cause I would always be told that & i get to know the person but i'm generally the girl before the girlfriend…i'm hoping it will change though…#deepsigh.
Ladies, is it the same for you? Do you have guys filed into a diverse classification system even when you’re just “dating?
Yes. I cannot answer for the majority though, but I do. I always try to lay the bait and snag the opportunist who dares. It actually is very gratifying. Men would often think women are easy prey, but they are the predators – just look at how much men are outnumbered in terms of population and preferences. I am not bitter or a man-hater, I just love to observe and indulge. Sometimes when we are so hyped i.e parties, nightouts etc, we fail to take logic and sensibility along which is why we fail to notice the obvious.
I'm in a relationship which will possible be my last. But if not damn this dating game is hooorible! These men know black woman are desperate and using it to their advantage.
Mannnn (or is it wo-mannnnn lol), I get so tired of hearing the "black woman are desperate" line, as quasi-true as it may be. It's like after all these stories came out, we suddenly had a heightened awareness of our "miserable state" which increased our sense of susceptibility of falling into the abyss of other lonely, dry womb, black women. So sad…
My sentiments exactly!!
I don't know about other men, but I in no way perceive black women as desperate because of a few (possibly inaccurate) statistics generated by "the media." I simply quoted the black women's statistic because this is a black website. As most stories usually quote statistics for a variety of races or, at minimum, compares it to the Caucasian statistic, which I think is inherently flawed – but that's another discussion.
What I meant to point out is that women, generally speaking, tend to check for a serious relationship e.g. marriage more so than men and on a usually faster timeline. And regardless, the odds are, lets face it, in the men's favor because we don't have an "internal clock" as some women alluded to in the post below.
Guess I'm different b/c I'm not one of those women who thinks "time is running out". People say I'm arrogant, and this may be true, but I have tall standards and from what I'm seeing there's not much to choose from so I'm very content remaining single.
The odds may be men's favor but only for those women who are desperate to be in a relationship. There aren't very many men who are even relationship material.
WIM you hit the nail on the head with this post. I seldom comment on posts but I just had to bless this one. I have never been out with a lady that I wasn't at first thinking of "wifying" up.
I know myself and I know my worth so I can't ask you out if I think you are not worth what many ladies now see as "rare" qualities (chivalry). I've just found out that midway through dating, either the girl slips up and gets an attitude or she does something that when I put in my future equation just doesn't give me any desirable result.
No one is perfect but every man has something specific he is looking for and the minute he finds it, he doesn't let it go. Unfortunately for me, I'm still looking…can't believe how hard it is to find a lady that compliments me properly.
Gone are the days when there were a lot of good women to choose from. LOL!
I feel that it started with you all. I just find it ironic that the seeds that were planted are now being reaped.
@ Beef Bacon,
Gone are the days when there were a lot of good women to choose from. LOL!
Same with the men. They just don't make them like they used to.
I find myself in a similar situation where I am sizing up the guy. Do I like him? Do I like his personality? It takes 2 to tango and if something in the guy's personality is raising red flags, I put in in the "fling" basket. The rare one with a good personality goes into the "date" basket.
I agree when it comes to officially becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. Why would a man waste their time, money, etc investing in someone that they don't see a future with? Before I met my wife I was single for a while because I didn't see anyone that was a good fit for me.
The same applies to women. Why should a woman waste her time, money, etc. investing in a man who she doesn't see a future with?
WIM, you hit the nail right on the head.
Assuming of course we can first find a man that is honest, drug and drama free, that is straight with no reasons for speculations, eyerolls or i wonder if's, that is disease free, educated or intelligent(comes in different forms) that values monogamy, can be a tower of strenght to a progressive black socialist woman, one that is not superficial, values hard work, ambitious,sensitive, etc..(and i can go on), then i will see the correctness of this post, until then the theory that all men are looking for a serious relationship is hogwash.
lets be fair here, some men dont know what they want and others know but will not articulate clearly, like the other person is clairvoyant. if they are not superficial, super educated, super demanding or for some super immature the only thing i've just grasped is this story is a super hot mess of super over imbelished ideals….
Well said. As I've grown older I've seen this become increasingly true in my world. So much so that I can fill in the blanks when it comes down to me and a guy talking for 3+ months and he's still saying he "doesn't want anything serious…" and I usually add "with me." One can't win them all I guess.
I definitely have categories for the men I interact with, but most start out at the same general level. The men are sorted kind of like a bell curve. He of course can move in a more favorable direction, or a less favorable one. But this mobility based on action or inaction is applied by anyone who dates.
I'm sorry to hear that "doesn't want anything serious…" and I usually add "with me." Exactly. I understand men don't want to deal with a females emotions, but it hurts more to be mislead in my opinion (IMO). What is wrong with say I don't want anything serious with you can we just have sex? I just want to have some fun with you, or just leave the I'm not looking for … part out and just ask for sex? Men don't have to lie to get laid. A woman will either say yes or no. Simple. But at least if women are given a choice to stay and enjoy the man for the moment or move on there'd be less confusion. Men should have enough respect to let a woman know where she stands IMO.
I'm not entirely convinced. I am going to reserve a real comment and lurk today…to see how the men respond.
But, if it is true..then good looking out! 🙂
this. rite. cheeuugh
basically you are already on a pedestal ….on you to stay on top or fall off…..what's so great about being on my pedestal you ask?
This is an interesting point, and I think it is true in many cases. With the last guy I was seeing, I think this was the case. When I first met him, he kept stressing how he did not want a relationship, so I believed him. He was an afterthought and sometimes not even that. He would make plans with me and I would repeatedly break them because he told me he wasn't serious about anything, so I didn't see the need of wasting my time. I would instead go on trips out of town with my friends. I wasn't purposely being mean, I just had put him into a category of men who are only after the physical. Anyway, seven months later, he told me he had met someone that he really wanted to be with. How was I supposed to know that he wanted to something more?
When I was younger and foolish, a guy would tell me he wasn't looking for anything serious and I would keep hanging on and try to show him that I was the one for him. This never worked out well. However, if a man tells me he is not interested in anything serious, I believe him. All this other stuff, although it may be true, is confusing and annoying. For all the grief women get for not meaning what we say, I think men are worse culprits of that foolishness…All of this confusion makes being single and not looking feel better and better by the day 🙂
"All this other stuff, although it may be true, is confusing and annoying. For all the grief women get for not meaning what we say, I think men are worse culprits of that foolishness…All of this confusion makes being single and not looking feel better and better by the day :)"
Goodness, I couldn't say it ANY BETTER! Dudes are the WORSE with this crap. I don't even bother looking anymore, and honestly, it makes life so much easier because I feel like I can just L~I~V~E!
Thanks!…People need to just stop playing games.
I agree. I have also dropped out of the game. Most women play a role to past the test and get married and then they're a different person. "You've changed" the guy says. But in actually the woman just faked her way and hooked the guy for marriage. When they find out who the woman truly is, it's too late, they're already married have a couple of kids and the horse is already out of the gate.
So keep on lookin' for that "perfect" woman.. or you can be with one where you already know their TRUE personality.
I have to agree. I have stepped out the game as well. Unfortunately, I am not at the point of being happy single and alone, but I do love myself a lot more. I have little hope for men so I am focusing on me, going back to school and planning my life as if I won't get married. I think more black women need to do this and stop thinking they need a man to complete them. I am not saying to give up hope just plan accordingly and if you luck up you will be even happier.
@ Remi/Anike/Chadra – giving you all a sisterly hug via the internet, lol. I'm chiming in late but there's really nothing else to add because you covered it all so eloquently. But what I want to know is how can a man who is so-called looking for a serious relationship in the midst of his promescuity even notice a good woman? Anyhow, who cares what a man (boy really) thinks. I guess the author thought he was giving some insight in to a black man's way of thinking. Any woman with some sense will know what a MAN means just by his actions alone. If the fool wants to make you think he's not looking when he really is then that's his loss if she moves on while he's playing games. Go try to mind f**k somebody else.
100% agree. If a man tells me he is not looking for a serious relationship, I believe him. I unfortunately cannot read minds to know that he is not saying what he means and I am not going to join the rat race and go through hoops to prove that he should reconsider if he is dead set on this. Not every woman jumps to the conclusion that you mean her when a man informs her that he is looking for a serious relationship…..remember I said not every woman. 🙂
Ladies, is it the same for you? Do you have guys filed into a diverse classification system even when you’re just “dating?”
Definitely. I get a LOT of heat for putting guys in categories from my girlfriends, but it is what it is. When I meet a guy, he's goes into 3 categories:
A:"BFF", and he'd have to go to Jesus and his 11 disciples to get assistance. (I know there's 12…)
B."possibility if he acts right,"
C. "if he blinks right, he might get breakfast within a couple weeks."
I wish it were more complex, but within 5-10 minutes, I usually knows what's up, regardless if he does or doesn't. The dilemma is that as a woman you really have to learn to go with the flow (without spreading the goodies to the world), because our clocks do start ticking–as I've only recently started to experience. We as women have to be honest and straight-forward, without coming off too direct and controlling. Everything we do has to be done with such caress that men have to feel as he's important to us, but that we too don't mind losing him despite the numbers. There's always a slew of guys waiting to "wife-you-up" and/or "d-you-down."
Unfortunately, I've played all those roles for men, knowingly and unknowingly at the time. It sucks when you aren't the one and "the only" when you want to be, but that's life. I see, though, that men truly are always looking for serious relationships. Everyone wants to be in love with someone that's in love with him/her.
#unsolicitedconfession. One of the toughest pills I've had to swallow (no pun intended..lol…sorry), was knowing that the two men I loved so far wasn't in love with me, and never will be. On top of that, I encouraged one of them, to follow the woman they were in love with and do what was necessary to have/keep them…#smh. So yes, men are always looking for something serious. #truth
"”BFF”, and he’d have to go to Jesus and his 11 disciples to get assistance. (I know there’s 12…)"
Well technically, Judas was a traitor so he shoulda been kicked out ANYWAY…but I guess that's why God didn't make me Jesus…
Great post WIM!
Ladies, is it the same for you? Do you have guys filed into a diverse classification system even when you’re just “dating?
It takes time to get to know whom you are dealing with. I have learned the hard way no to take things for face value, especially when it comes to a potential SO. These things take time. People do not show you everything up front so you have to wait a while to see the real real.
I am not desperate so I can wait. In the meantime, Joe takes me out on nice dates, D is the FWB and Jonathan is my BFF.
I cannot have $ex with more than one person so this is easy to do. Furthermore, it is all out in the open so no one is feeling deceived or played.
And this is why FwB role is always a win for guys..
Someone else is paying all the tabs, someone else gets to hear you btich about the guy paying the tab, and I get to hear you moan…
So why should I ever want something more serious with any woman, if there is someone who gets it for free or little to no work at all?
No honey, my FWB is gonna here me b*tch and moan all over dinner whether he cooked it or paid for it, because foreplay for me really begins in my brain. This is not a drive by.
I need to talk and be able to somewhat connect with a man I share myself with.
Little to no work….? Of course, I didn't give you a running list of what is required from each but THERE IS A LIST DUDE. I just may not require as much from a person that I have no intentions of being serious with.
See maybe for women that don’t know what she wants this may be hurtful breaking news…but I do. If all you are getting it THAT…that is all I WANT to give you. The D is good but otherwise he can kick rocks.
Contrary to what some men think, we do not have sex with men to make ONLY the man happy….HELLLOOOOO!
"Contrary to what some men think, we do not have sex with men to make ONLY the man happy….HELLLOOOOO!"
Thank you!!! We climax too!!! lol!
You should want something more serious DeKaLa because after you and the FwB are done playing with EACH OTHER, you will be the guy crying there aren’t any suitable women if you don’t wise up.
Now if you are okay with having ONLY shallow relationships, please continue. However, if you want a relationship with substance you are going to have to stop playing and get serious with a woman one day.
However, please, stop assuming that is always a win for guys because I had several guys crying on my shoulders after the Fwb situation was OVER.
I have felt bad when the FWB ended myself, but only because it ended.
I think that's why they were crying.
BB, I'm glad you clarified some of those points to paint a clearer picture.
If we are talking about FwB who had to put in work, then I'm not sure they qualify as just a FwB… more like a pseudo-boyfriend/girlfriend.I have been in serious relationships and know the difference, but if I put you in that FwB category, it's for a good reason.
Homeboy(s) that are crying after it is over probably are not man enough to understand that its a temporary situation or upset that they didn't have anyone else on the side at the time it ended. HIs loss…
Because life is about more than sex, I sincerely hope, I know it is or me.
DeKeLa: "And this is why FwB role is always a win for guys..
Someone else is paying all the tabs, someone else gets to hear you btich about the guy paying the tab, and I get to hear you moan…"
Hugh Jazz likes this.
Beef Bacon: "Now if you are okay with having ONLY shallow relationships, please continue. However, if you want a relationship with substance you are going to have to stop playing and get serious with a woman one day."
That's his point. You have shallow relationships while looking for a real one.
Hugh… me and you are like THIS….
Great minds think alike. I mean, if she's offering it with no attachments, what are you supposed to say? No?
females should know who the right male is by the way he affects her life and future. you have to know what being a woman means though otherwise youll get yourself caught up. problem is, most females nowadays have no idea what it means to be a woman so they have no idea how to recognize a man.
"They meet a woman they might have some potential interest in and they promptly warn her, “I’m not looking for anything serious.” Even though he is. This is code for, I’ve just put you on the possible girlfriend/wife plan but I’m going to wait and see how you act first."
Ok, so what if when you say this a woman takes it to heart an doesn't wag her finger all up your fcw but simply just says, "Well I'm at the point where I am looking for a relationship." Especially if she is older and not at the point in her life to be playing games and speaking in code (especially since that is allegedly what WOMEN do; men are "direct an straightforward" according to a lot of male bloggers. I mean what if you are missing out on a potentially great woman who is — understandably — taking those words seriously. After all, you're a man, right? Man up and say what you mean. If she takes you saying that you are looking for a serious relationship IN GENERAL as meaning one with her, then that's her problem, not yours. I mean, if we say the same thing, we mean in general, too. *emokanyeshrug*
"Do you have guys filed into a diverse classification system even when you’re just “dating?”
I don't have time to be balancing multiple guys, so if I'm dating one at all, the only category that he's falling into is, "Potential". I'm not going to date a guy for the sake of getting a nice meal or to go on a date. I don't mind having the company of a good man, but I won't even bother going out with a guy with who there is no connection whatsoever.
At this point in my life, the only friendboys I have are those who I've known since I was young. As soon as the interest wanes in a guy I've just met, so does our pseudo-friendship. I'll be amicable when I see him on the street, but that's as far as it goes. Makes it less complicated that way in my opinion!
I think this post pertains to younger men. I tend to date men over 35 and they seem to be quite direct. Usually when they say they do not want anything serious they mean it (usually recently divorced or something) and when they are looking for something of substance they tend to let that be known also.
@ Kema – tell the truth and shame the devil girl, lol. REAL TALK.
This is for the most part true. I just have one problem with it…SOME THINGS WE HAVE TO KEEP WITHIN THE MAN CIRCLE!
Instead of saying it just let your actions talk.
FYI: We will be discussing how to handle this treason at the next man meeting THOROUGHLY.
Lmfao. I was thinking while reading that this is treason of some sort… it felt like it to me.
LMAO. Thanks for the comment Animate. Hey, I've been (I believe falsely) accused that my prior post attacked women or didn't effectively address how men think – this being a 'single black male' website. Therefore, here and going forward, I've made an attempt to reveal the male mind a little more – good, bad or indifferent.
To be honest, I didn't know if only I thought this way or most men did. Judging by the comments, I don't know if it's most but it doesn't seem like I'm alone in my reasoning.
You are definitely not alone. Many of my male friends (born in the East, West, North, and South) have become so cool with me over the years they feel comfortable sharing male "secrets" with me. It's funny they "say" they want me to find a nice guy. Anyway, at some point they have all said, I can tell within 5 minutes which direction I want things to go in or something similar. As a woman I think it's unfair in some instances to quickly to judge, a person based on your first impression, but under certain circumstances I understand the logic. I must admit, I have been guilty of dismissing guys after one conversation, but deep down I believe it takes time to truly get to know a person. Especially a person who has potential as a partner.
Have you ever seen a football formation in which there are no WRs, just TEs and FBs in the backfield? Everyone on the field knows that they're about to run the ball. This is one of those topics that mirrors that formation.
WIM can tell these women this to their face, but it's nothing they can do about it.
Lol – while WIM was quite eloquent in his writing, this shouldn't be mind-boggling secret agent information to any of the ladies, but I enjoyed reading your comment… smh.
I have guys that I put into "Friends or less" and "Potentials." Men can move between these two depending on circumstances or timing or some event that made them get put into the other category.
Friends or less are the ones who 1) I can't see myself hanging out with on a regular basis, but they won't leave and if I have NOTHING else to do, I'll hang out with them, 2) Former potentials who didn't work out, but I still value their friendship, 3) The guys who say they're not looking for anything serious. I don't really take them seriously, but if they ask me to go out and I enjoy their company, then I will go out with them.
Potentials-Those who are looking for what I'm looking for…at least they say they are
To date, it continues to baffle me when women will drive a stake or claim in something a guy says to them as a sign of maturity or seriousness. I sit back and laugh because for as much as women continue to say they mature faster or are more smarter than men, they continue to fall for some of the dumbest sh*t i've ever heard.
If you want to know what a successful Black man's life is like behind the scenes, follow Lebron James's life from; July 1, 2010 until July 9, 2010.
If you want to know what a ex-con, or man who just has nothing going for him's life is like, follow Allen Iverson's.
But for the majority of Black men, that you will run into, you should probably follow Chris Bosh; they want to get the most money, best chance to his the jackpot, with putting the least possible effort in.
This is a really good post, its a very different insight as to what you men are thinking about when you say "I'm not looking for something serious", a lot of things make sense now 🙂
As far as it being the same for us women? Eh, I don't really know, but I do know that I do the same thing. It may not take the first 5 minutes for me to know where I see myself with said dude, but we can definitely see ourselves some where.
And yes we do have them filed in a diversified manner… we have the sweet heart, the douche bag, the smotherer, the "what ever you want baby", the Pipe Layer, and Mr. Right… LOL
"And given that 45% of black women in America have never married according to CNN, quite frankly, the odds are on his side."
****BREAKING NEWS: the same percentage of Black men have never been married either (it may be a smidgen lower for Black men) but that's never the news alert because that would shift the attention off "the crisis of the Black woman" and onto the crisis of the Black FAMILY.
Which would take into account that …the odds are kinda even and certainly slow the growing gender elitism in the Black community.
@ Tea –
As I tell most people, figure out your expected outcome before you talk. You chose to attack Black men, about WIMs state about Black women, saying that instead we should be talking about the Black family.
I think your comment would have been just as powerful without the slight at Black men. You are doing nothing to dispel the myth that Black women insult Black men, just because or just to win an argument.
No one can have a productive conversation with an irrational person.
I reread my statement. I'm not sure what part was taken as a slight, an attack, or insult on Black men.
I made the statement about the stats (40 something %) for Black men to show that: Blk women aren't getting married + Black men aren't getting married = Black family crisis but not as a slight, an attack on, nor an insult to Black men.
I said the part about "the odds" because that's the part of the author's statement that I was directly addressing which inspired my response. That also was not a slight, an attack, nor an insult but a correction ("odds on his side" vs odds are even")
The elitism part also was not a slight, attack, or insult. There is in fact male privilege (similar to White privilege) in the states and even in the Black community (both of which are documented in social research). When certain social propaganda is perpetuated, elitism grows amongst the group that appears to be at an advantage in regards to that particular situation (for instance, marriage rates and Black men). Stating that was not meant as an attack or insult…from my perspective, that can happen with any group in the right circumstances.
All this to say, I'm not irrational…but your opinion is welcomed. Thank you.
I actually appreciate you clarifying your statements, because honestly, I ignored your comment the first time around since it did seem antagonizing.
But two more points.
1) I said this before, but I'll re-state, I only pointed out the black statistic because this is a black website. If it wasn't, I would have pointed out the corresponding statistic for the majority race of audience I'm addressing or I would have quoted them all. In fact, since I referenced my source, CNN, anyone was welcome to search for the article themselves if they wanted the full story or wanted to verify my assertion.
2) I don't know about the whole male privilege – and I think that's outside the real of this particular discussion – but when it comes to marriage I do feel it favors men because men are usually on a longer timeline (since they don't have to specifically worry about childbearing) and most men don't look for marriage opportunities as often or as quickly as most women.
Good job and welcome back. Eye opening, even if I've seen it happen.
hmmm, so we are back to more games. Nothing wrong with having a strategy,we have one with everything we do, but sometimes we can go overboard telling the folks the opposite of what we really want. If someone tells me over and over that they don't want anything serious, you best believe eventually I am going to believe you and move on. Gotta be honest.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Um, no. If a man says "I'm not looking for a relationship" I let him know it was nice meeting him and move the eff on. I can NOT believe how many women are on here cosigning this nonsense. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for disappointment when you make yourself available to him and he *still* doesn't choose you.
I live by the rule that any man that wants me will have to chase and convince ME he is ready for a relationship. And that rule, when I stick to it, has never failed me. It's when I start getting desperate for companionship and let my standards drop that the problems start.
I seem to be old fashioned, however, because I'm also not sleeping with any guy who isn't even sure he wants to make me his girlfriend. Why would I expose myself to disease/pregnancy/emotional distress by attaching myself sexually to a man who clearly sees me as a pump and dump station unworthy of a true relationship.
Ladies, get a vibrator, a hobby, and stop being so damn desperate that you allow any old dude with brown skin and a nice smile to get over on you.
No man worth his weight is going to sit around and chase a woman. It's not worth his time. When/if he smartens up you will be back on the single train.
The type of man I want doesn't just talk about how a man should be head of household, he acts in ways that let me know he is willing (and able) to lead.
Part of that means showing from the beginning:
Confidence – by asking me out
Planning Ability- by coming up with a thoughtful date after our initial conversation
Protection Instinct – chivalry, from opening doors to making sure I walk on the inside of the sidewalk
Financial Stability – by paying for dates and having a solid career(path)
As for being on the single train, I'm there by choice right now, and you know what? It really isn't bad. I have time for my hobbies, my girlfriends, my family, my career, etc. I meet and am asked out by a lot of men who let me know they are willing to put some time and effort into getting to know me, and since I'm only 24, I've got time to be a lil picky.
Good point. I commented somewhere above *points randomly because I'm not sure where it's going to show up* about this. Basically, both men and women always have and always will approach the "dating game" differently because we usually have different goals and objectives. Ideally, we can meet in the middle and avoid all the double talk and innuendos – however, in my experience, although this sounds good it rarely happens #inreallife. Granted, if it did I think life would be easier for both parties.
To your point about chasing, I don't chase. I actually wrote a blog recently about that EXACT subject on my personal website called, Dogs Chase: http://www.wisdomismisery.com/?p=1756
Anyway, I respect where you're coming from but we'll have to agree to disagree. I'm not going to put any more effort or invest any more of my time into a woman than she is willing to put into me. If I'm going to 'play my hand' I expect you to do the same. Not wait until I put all my cards on the table before you decide if you're going to fold or go all in.
For whatever reason, I can't reply directly, but I read your post on chasing and I'm still not entirely clear on what the difference is between chasing and courtship to you. The way I read it, it seems you are saying 1) that you're not going to do the approaching/date planning because that may hurt your ego. 2) you would like someone who is willing to go halfway with you. 3) You don't see what is so special about a woman that you should go out of your way.
First let me say that I respect the fact that you do things your way and I do them mine when it comes to the initial stages of dating. My problem with the initial post is that it makes it seem like this is normal behavior that women should accept when it's not and there are men out there who don't think it is.
Back to those 3 points:
1 & 2 are tied together in that both tell me you do not want to take a leadership role in the relationship. Which is fine if you meet a woman that really wants a partnership of equals. Not so fine if you *SAY* you want to be equals, but you really want a woman to cook, clean, raise your children, keep in shape, hold down a job so she isn't looking at you to pick up the check on your co-planned "dates", and blow your socks off in bed orally, anally, and otherwise just in exchange for your company when you feel like being bothered.
As for 3… I tend to meet men who travel in the professional and social circles I am a part of. So by the time he's asking me out, he's already learned quite a bit about why I'm worth the effort. Maybe you should get to know women a bit as friends before attempting to go in for the date. Less chance of harming your ego.
First, as @streetztalk talked about on his blog earlier this week, let me say I appreciate the dialogue and respectful way in which you went about it, even though we disagree. I'll try to answer your questions/comments…
JustAnote: The way I read it, it seems you are saying 1) that you’re not going to do the approaching/date planning because that may hurt your ego. 2) you would like someone who is willing to go halfway with you. 3) You don’t see what is so special about a woman that you should go out of your way.
1) Not true. As a man, 9 times out of 10 I do the approaching. I'm fine with this role. 2) Yes, and I don't feel like that's much to ask, but to your point, I have heard a lot of women lean towards the 'I want the man to dictate and choose the path of the relationship.' To me this is strange and counter-intuitive but maybe it's just me. Especially, since it comes from a lot of so called "independent women," whom I would think would want a more prominent role in the relationship. *shrugs* 3) In most cases yes. We're all unique – and perhaps even special, in our own minds. But for the most part, since I don't believe in soul mates, I don't believe a woman is sooo uniquely special that it completely differentiates her from all other women. This would imply there are very few good women, which I disagree with. It would also imply that I would need to treat two good women differently; whereas, I would argue I would treat them both the same. It would only be a matter of which I meet first.
My problem with the initial post is that it makes it seem like this is normal behavior that women should accept when it’s not and there are men out there who don’t think it is.
Being that it's my post, it is inherent to my opinion, and thus it is my 'normal behavior.' I can't speak for the next man, although, if you read the comments above and below, it would seem I am not the only man who thinks this way. Again, other men may think differently.
Back to those 3 points: 1 & 2 are tied together in that both tell me you do not want to take a leadership role in the relationship. Which is fine if you meet a woman that really wants a partnership of equals. Not so fine if you *SAY* you want to be equals, but you really want a woman to cook, clean, raise your children, keep in shape, hold down a job so she isn’t looking at you to pick up the check on your co-planned “dates”, and blow your socks off in bed orally, anally, and otherwise just in exchange for your company when you feel like being bothered.
I feel like we're getting ahead. I'm fine taking a 'leadership role' in the relationship if that is the role my wife would like me to be in – instead of equal planes. Still, even before that can occur, we have to date. Which is what I was addressing.
To your other points, I don't care if a woman "cooks, cleans, or holds down a job" – I can do all those things myself, and I do. (Granted, they would be nice! lol)
Now, "raise your children, keep in shape, and blow your socks off in bed orally, anally, and otherwise just in exchange for your company" – well, yes. I do expect that. I expect these things because I would do the same for her. I'm not going to stand back with my arms cross while she raises the kids. I keep in shape – this is actually a big thing to me. And the chex? I expect this to be and stay on point if she wants to keep me around. The difference is, I expect the same of myself. If a woman's not cool with that, that's fine. She can kick rocks tho.
As for 3… I tend to meet men who travel in the professional and social circles I am a part of. So by the time he’s asking me out, he’s already learned quite a bit about why I’m worth the effort. Maybe you should get to know women a bit as friends before attempting to go in for the date. Less chance of harming your ego.
Fair enough. Anyone who knows me – and/or that reads my blog – knows I struggle with my ego/pride all the time, especially in the realm of dating. It's a flaw but it's a flaw I recognize, so that's the first step.
"2) …. I have heard a lot of women lean towards the 'I want the man to dictate and choose the path of the relationship.' To me this is strange and counter-intuitive but maybe it's just me. Especially, since it comes from a lot of so called "independent women," whom I would think would want a more prominent role in the relationship. *shrugs*" I think some woman are only "independent" because they feel the need to be. If there's no man around… What's a woman to do?"They meet a woman they might have some potential interest in and they promptly warn her, “I’m not looking for anything serious.” Even though he is. This is code for, I’ve just put you on the possible girlfriend/wife plan but I’m going to wait and see how you act first" Many women think, men are always playing games to get what they want and/or just simple minded (foolish). If you say you're not interested just to see how a woman acts, that is considered playing games. As soon as those words come out of your mouth a good portion of women will K.I.M. (keep it moving) and not even consider you a potential date never mind partner. I hate tests. Especially first impression tests. Some people always introduce you to their representative until the relationship or marriage starts. And people can put on a front for years. At the same time, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
― Maya Angelou
JustAnote: "Um, no. If a man says “I’m not looking for a relationship” I let him know it was nice meeting him and move the eff on. I can NOT believe how many women are on here cosigning this nonsense. Otherwise you are setting yourself up for disappointment when you make yourself available to him and he *still* doesn’t choose you."
Cosign this. If you are ready for something serious, it shouldn't take six months to realize he isn't. And you definitely shouldn't be sleeping with a guy if you're looking for something serious and you're not sure what he wants.
"I live by the rule that any man that wants me will have to chase and convince ME he is ready for a relationship."
This I can't. What good guy that knows his worth is going to chase you when he has options? Granted, if you begin to stand out among his other suitors, he will be more forthright with booing you up, but he certainly isn't going to chase you from the start. He needs to find out if you are worth chasing before that happens.
But you did say that tactic never failed you. As with my personal training clients, if they are doing something that has been working that defies conventional thinking, I tell them to keep doing what they're doing.
It seems our definitions of "chase" vary quite a bit. I think you guys are viewing it as effort entirely without reciprocation. I view "chase" as a series of actions that let me know a man is committed to having me in his life.
If I'm dating, I'm ready for a serious relationship, but I've met a number of men where 2 or 3 dates in, he's let me know that he is looking for "fun." So it's not like a date is any indication that he wants a real relationship. It takes time (not between the sheets) for a guy to convince me that he values my thoughts, my opinions, my company.
"Chasing" doesn't mean lining up extravagant dates week after week. It means making an effort to deepen our understanding of each other with the intent of entering into a relationship.
BTW, when I say this doesn't fail, I don't mean I always get the guy or that I'm getting proposed to left and right. It means that I end up in relationships where both he and I know where we stand as the relationship runs its course.
I think the problem is when you say chase, most guys are thinking of the woman playing hard to get.
Let me hop in here real quick. I'm not ignoring Hugh Jazz, I just rarely respond directly to him because I don't think he's ever said something (on my posts) that I've disagreed with. True Story.
JustAnote:If I’m dating, I’m ready for a serious relationship, but I’ve met a number of men where 2 or 3 dates in, he’s let me know that he is looking for “fun.” So it’s not like a date is any indication that he wants a real relationship.
I THINK this is a fundamental difference between men and women in general. I personally will date a woman I have no romantic interest in what-so-ever. I'll also consistently date more than one woman at a time. I do this because 1) I don't mind dating – and I don't believe dating in and of itself has to end in a relationship and 2) Dating around has helped me narrow the type of woman I would want to be with.
I've never really understood how women can only date men they're interested in, because this would seem to dictate who you're interested in based on preconceived notions – which is why a lot of women end up dating the same type of men, no?
Instead, I look at dating as an experience. It guides itself and will lead me to the woman I need/want to be with rather than me choosing her beforehand. Because who knows if I would have chosen wrong if I'm already screening women out before I even have a chance to get to know them? My 2 cents.
@WisdomIsMisery: "I personally will date a woman I have no romantic interest in what-so-ever."
I don't understand this.. Why continue to date a woman you have no romantic interest in/attraction to ? I mean, I know why WE do it sometimes but why would a guy do that when he has other options? You are stringing her along, NO??
If I'm expecting the date to:
1) Be thoughtful/something he planned based on what he's picked up about what I like
2) Paid for by the man
then I don't feel right leading a bunch of guys to believe they have a shot in hell with me. I used to do that out of a desire to be open minded, but I've dated a lot and now I know what I want. If a guy doesn't fit that, I don't see a reason to waste his time or his money.
“I personally will date a woman I have no romantic interest in what-so-ever.”
I don’t understand this.. Why continue to date a woman you have no romantic interest in/attraction to ? I mean, I know why WE do it sometimes but why would a guy do that when he has other options? You are stringing her along, NO??
What is the purpose of a date to you? To me a date is simply to get to know someone. This can end up being a good friend if you don't go into it trying to make it more than a friendship.
@GirlSixx: Why continue to date a woman you have no romantic interest in/attraction to ?
I didn't say I wasnt attracted to her. Perhaps I need to define "romantic interest." I simply meant that I'm not looking for a serious relationship with her. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy her company or might just like kicking it with her.
Additionally, I might find characteristics in here that I wasn't looking for before because maybe I'd never dated a woman like her. Therefore, I might find something appealing that I might want to look for in "the wife."
As Animate said, " To me a date is simply to get to know someone." Why all the pressure? I try to let my dates be more organic, whatever happens happens.
But, as I stated, I usually already know upfront what I want from a woman. The dating process is just a means for me to asses if I'm right or wrong.
@Animate: [What is the purpose of a date to you? To me a date is simply to get to know someone.]
AGREED…that's my purpose of a date as well…..
This can end up being a good friend if you don’t go into it trying to make it more than a friendship.
And I understand that sometimes there isn't any chemistry/both parties aren't a good match, etc. but if most men are looking for "The One" when dating why continue to date someone you already know doesn't have a chance with you?
I kick it with my friends male/female – I don't date them.. *shrug
@WIM and Animate
Disregard my last post – I got my answer.
You guys do realize you're just adding to my side of the argument, right? 🙂
You guys' indecision about what you want sets a precedent about how long it should take a woman before she is impressed enough to break out the googly eyes, lingerie sets, and other goodies.
I really don't look at it as indecision. I know what I want but I keep an open mind because everyone is different and I may come across a quality that I haven't experienced before.
I'm very social and will meet and talk to just about anyone. If I get a female's info and we decide to hang out later then I don't go into it with any expectations. The encounter may go about as if its a date but half of the time I didn't look at it like that. I have only had a handful of serious relationships and all but one were built out of a preexisting friendship.
Exactly! "If you are ready for something serious, it shouldn't take six months to realize he isn't. And you definitely shouldn't be sleeping with a guy if you're looking for something serious and you're not sure what he wants."
the chasing thing is important. it means "i see something i need, you ahve it, so im going to let you know that with my actions" in the case of a male. any self respecting female will play hard to get. hell get tired of it and then it becomes the females turn. you have to let him know "you have what it takes, i have confidence in you as my godhead, i want to be with you".
he has the option to run (doubt himself and his original decision) or commit (have full confidence in himself and be like YEEEES! that worked!). only he knows the reasons, only he can make that decision.
Your comment really stands out among the masses. I read WIM post and I agree with most of it, even found it entertaining, but I didn't read what you wrote about.
"I can NOT believe how many women are on here cosigning this nonsense." ~ I'm not sure that anyone is cosigning that it's right or wrong, just that it is a truth for many men (but maybe I missed a comment or two, I haven't made it all the way to the bottom yet).
"Otherwise you are setting yourself up for disappointment when you make yourself available to him and he *still* doesn’t choose you." ~ acknowledging that a man would think/act this way is in no way setting yourself up for disappointment.
"I live by the rule that any man that wants me will have to chase and convince ME he is ready for a relationship. And that rule, when I stick to it, has never failed me. It’s when I start getting desperate for companionship and let my standards drop that the problems start." ~ chase is such a desperate word. Just my preference, but I'm not interested in a man that chases. I prefer decisive confidence in a man. But to your statement, in reading this it sounds like you have been in a position where you were desperate and ignored your standards, thus ending up in a situation that didn't pan out the way you wanted it to. You're stating that instead of being in a desperate position where you do the chasing, you are now more comfortable being chased. This is a pendulum approach that many people attempt to use when they've been really hurt. It's a defense or protection mechanism. Unfortunately, the solution to an issue is not always to do the opposite. It's usually better to find out why you seek relationships with someone who is not emotionally available, instead finding comfort in the companionship of someone who is desperately available.
Not saying that you are one, but it might make for an interesting read; there are love addicts and love avoiders (aka co-dependency). And more often than not these two opposites find themselves in relationships, because in reality they are trying to rewrite situations that they experienced as children. Until a person understands what drives their emotional needs/responses they can get caught in this pendulum.
Hope I didn't overstep.. just food for thought.
And I co-sign the rest of your message… no pump and dumps… 😀
Appreciate the advice, but I think you’re way off the mark here. You seem to equate chase with “wear a woman down regardless of how often she rejects your advances” and that really isn’t how I view it.
I’ve met several men who pursue me despite my lack of interest and it is not attractive. I don’t go from dating the emotional unavailable to the desperate, and letting a woman know you want her (chasing) is not necessarily a sign of emotional dependency.
You said you prefer “decisive confidence in a man” but what’s decisive about a guy who cannot be honest with you or himself about whether or not he wants a relationship? If he’s still trying to make up his mind about you, why throw out the “I don’t want a serious relationship” line at all? A decisive man knows there’s a time and a place for the relationship talk, and that’s when he knows what his decision is going to be.
I should note that I read this blog for entertainment and to get perspectives on life from a few black men I do not know (more honesty). I’m not having relationship or can’t find a man issues, I’m having “how quickly can I launch this business so I can make time to find and impress the right man” issues. I usually prefer the more general subject matter on TWTTI, but I wanted to add a different perspective on this one.
Thanks for attempting to figure out my definition, but we'll just have to agree that we define the word differently. And I'm glad you don't identify with the addiction/avoidance issues that I mentioned.
In regards to your comment about my attraction to "decisive confidence in a man"… that was were my statement began and ended. Not sure why you linked that in with approving of the behavior written about in this blog post. Again, I can only state that this behavior does exist, not that I'm attracted to it, nor do I condone it. I can only assume that I must have hit a nerve in my initial comment to you and while no ill was intended I extend a sincere apology. It's also nice to hear that you are normally successful in your relationships and congrats on the new business venture.
No need to apologize as no nerves were touched. The tone and content of your comment suggested to me that you thought I was in need of/searching for advice and psychoanalysis. Since I don't need either, I just wanted to clear that up. 🙂
Amen to that. You are soooo right. You do not want most of these men out here who will not chase. Many of the excuses a man will make for not carefully selecting and going after a woman he wants come from indecision and insecurity. No woman wants a man with those issues anyway because they will act out in other negative ways based on their issues (ie. cheating or unwillingness to commit to marriage).
Keep your head up girl and treat yourself like the treasure you are. The right man will be able to recognize what he wants and work for it LIKE EVERYTHING OF VALUE IN LIFE.
Amen!!!!!!! Could not have said it any better myself!
I'm still digesting this but I feel like WIM was spot on w/ this. The interesting thing is although I know it, it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
How can one line: “I’m not looking for anything serious.” mean three different things:
a) I’ve just put you on the possible girlfriend/wife plan but I’m going to wait and see how you act first.
b) He’s not attracted to you.
c) He’s trying to see how far he can get with you without getting into a relationship with you.
I usually get caught between a & c, the answer is always 'don't worry about it… just go w/ the flow' the problem is the flow can and will stop at FwB if you don't assume a position in the relationship. I get a headache just thinking about it.
And this: He might even file you under the ‘future wife’ category and hope some man doesn’t come along and wife you up in the mean time.
Please see yesterday's comments for a definition of 'In the Pocket Syndrome'
Flipperme!! I don't even know what I think. But I know I'm tired of games.
Yea…I hate when guys "put you in the pocket"….and expect you to..wait…ummm..
Say what you mean and mean what you say. I don't have time for games so if a man says he's not looking for anything serious, then it is what it is. I am not getting emotionally invested and I only talk or see him when its convenient to me.
I have learned the hard way to take what people say as what they mean. I have played some of these roles to men, and I've had a man want to wife me up in the end. However by then, he'd already been placed into the friend zone so that didn't turn out in his favor. While all of this may be true, I really don't care to spend time being a mind reader, or trying to "wait" around to see what this man really wants because it usually results in wasted time/energy/emotions. Now, when a man hits me with "oh I'm not looking for a serious relationship," I hit him with the Craig's mama from Friday "Okaaay" and keep it moving, or keep him in the contacts if I need some kind of use from him that doesn't involve me giving something of myself (emotionally, sexually, extensive time). That man will never be seen as a potential mate, nor will he be taken seriously. It is a tough game out here so I have to play it accordingly.
"keep him in the contacts if I need some kind of use from him that doesn’t involve me giving something of myself (emotionally, sexually, extensive time)."
Kenya and then some men wonder why we put them in the friend category verses the "I want you to be my man" category.
Don't waste time on an impossible cause. Not saying that the friendship might not develop into something more later on down the road, but if you're looking for a serious relationship and the guy says, he's not; there's no sense in investing too much energy into it.
"Kenya and then some men wonder why we put them in the friend category verses the "I want you to be my man" category." Sometimes we don't want to be in a relationship with that man when it's all said and done. If a man says I'd don't want a serious relationship etc. my understanding has been either he's not ready or he's not interested in me.
"While all of this may be true, I really don't care to spend time being a mind reader, or trying to "wait" around to see what this man really wants because it usually results in wasted time/energy/emotions" Exactly
I think men are too nice to finish that sentence with the words "with you." It's the nicest way to say, I don't want to be with you. It's the female equivalent to "I see you as a friend."
When I've wanted someone, those words were never uttered because I wanted a relationship with her.
Have a good Friday and happy hunting.
I agree… what's wrong with saying, "I'm looking for something serious, but I'm still trying to figure out with who…" or some equivalent to that?
It is considered a game for this reason I guess.
I think it because most people are getting a benefit (i.e. sex, food, etc.) from that person, so to keep getting it, they fear telling THE TRUTH because it may cause that woman to walk away. So the charade continues.
My thing is, there is a person for any situation you want: a FwB, a SO, a Boo, a lover, a husband, a wife.
I just dislike deceit. I do not like other people taking away my options with lies and games.
Tell the truth. This speaks volumes about your character even if you just want to hit.
You are either down or not—if I have to lie, swindle, and manipulate you to get what I want, than my game is WACK!
Miss V makes an appearance on SBM… I haven't seen you or heard from you in a minute and this is how I have to find you…
You know you ain't right…
we can’t tell women we’re looking for a serious relationship because in their conceit they will naturally assume we’re looking for a serious relationship with them specifically, while this is only sometimes the case.
NO! I dont thing women think you mean them when you say it. I think when that is said a lot of women will then try to convince you why it SHOULD be them.
Yeah, but in a man's defense. If he discloses too much, then the man has to spend time tryna figure out if she's a pretender… listening to his every word and creating a vision of what he wants. It's no different than what we as women go through. Women don't want to provide men with a blueprint to their heart any more than men do.
And I don't think of it as a game, as some have stated on here, it's about protecting your heart. No one wants to be used. Finding and keeping balance between being cautiously open to a relationship and entirely in-love-down-to-yo-draws open is difficult. You have to trust yourself – your logic, your emotions, your decisions. It's only then that you are ready to trust someone with your "self". And I may shut some open-minded people down with this statement, but ultimately trust comes from knowing that no matter what happens God has your back. You will experience what you experience however good or bad and "trust" that God is your true protection.
"Fellas, am I completely off the mark here?"
-nope you are dead on. i agree 100% with everything that you wrote. i know that's how i approach relationships.
"This is code for, I’ve just put you on the possible girlfriend/wife plan but I’m going to wait and see how you act first. If you freak out and give us a speech about what you need and the timeline in which you need it as you work your head back and forth, swivel your index finger in our face, and belittle us about how we need to man up, welll we know after 2 dates you’d bring up the marriage conversation – and who wants that?"
i know i sure as h*ll don't want to put up with that. i've done this in the past even though i know i was really feeling the girl. *shrug*
sidebar: am i the only one who scrolls down through the comments to look for certain people's response then go back and read my way down? Ok, me either.
I was going to post this anonymously, but eff it. I'm grown enough to tap my inner Mr. IDGAF on a Friday afternoon…
"Always" is a bad word to use.
There are men, not boys men, who have no interest in a serious relationship. Men are attracted to power, money and sex. In that order. Some men are convinced that their success hinges on the fact that they can never settle down or having anything meaningful in their lives that may come in between them and their goals. A lot of these men marry, but they call them arrangements or trophy wives.
And then you have, guys who just want to have children, but not the taxing relationship. Some men want to have the UN family, a baby with a woman from all over the world. (Herein lies the argument for polygamy.) so when that's your goal, you're not looking for anything serious, you're just looking for the next woman to impregnate.
Here's what's funny, I know plenty of men who fall into both of these categories!
I can't lie, i've struggled with both of these demons.
Dr. J, so what keeps those demons in check or ARE they in check?
No seriously, since you say you "struggled", does that mean you have killed the demons with holy water or is this something you still struggle with?
TMI? Treason? If so, I understand.
Dr.Jay: “Always” is a bad word to use.
Very valid point. As a side note, at work we're damn near forbidden from using all inclusive or finite terms, e.g. "always, never, etc etc."
I will say on the blogs I tend to stray from this because, let's face it, sweeping generalizations garner more conversation – in my opinion. But that's just my style of writing. I see where you're coming from tho.
Thanks for being honest. I certainly appreciate it.
so, in summary of this post, within the first few minutes of meeting a woman, some men usually know whether or not she is short term or long term relationship material. In the end, are those men usually correct about the women they meet? Figuring someone out in 5 or 10 minutes is pretty quick, but if it works, it works.
You hit it right on the head with this one. A brother has always got his eye open for "the one" no matter what the circumstance is.
Ah, darling men. Do realize that some women will take you at your word, smile politely, and keep it moving. I've been fed that line before, and while he eventually got more and more attached to me, I wasn't quite able to develop a heightened level of affection for him. Far be it for me to dismiss a warning and open my heart to unnecessary crap. There were brief moments when I allowed him in, but I can't begin to tell you how generally turned off I was by those 7 words at the beginning of our acquaintanceship. To be fair, I was probably most turned off by the seeming assumption that I was looking to jump into something with him from the get-go.
With someone like me, it's probably only ever a good idea to drop that line when you mean it sincerely. I'm talking, you do NOT want to be involved with me beyond knocking boots…which, subsequently, wouldn't be happening. It's better to just keep your mouth shut (about that, at least), and let things take their course. Once enough time for a proper assessment has elapsed, we can get into alla that.
This is exactly where I am at now with a guy. He was so interesting to me and we had a great convo for an hour after we first met in person (off a dating site). The, he hit me with those 7 words……I simply stated that i was not on the same page, said my good bye that night and left right away. He pursued me for months more via text and finally I broke down and have started hanging out with him. But, as much as he is trying to demonstrate a more vested interest in me due to the fact that I have candidly described how put off I was, I cannot feel the same interest in him. It's equally off-putting when you first meet someone and they make a point to tell you they really want a relationship. I am a firm believer of living in the moment and letting things unfold naturally without any need to discuss it or state rules upfront and so on. I know how it will play out with him. He doesn't have a chance….
Awesome….I've been telling women that not all of us MEN are out here trying to get our numbers up. I was never that way.
It would be nice if there were women that actually were on the same page. Seems like they aren't looking for the relationship-minded man until after they've been taken to the proverbial cleaners by all the men that DON'T want anything from them but the sex. Then we're supposed to forgive their past mistakes (and potential kids) and act like we're cool with being passed over for that long.
Wow! Tell 'em why you mad son!
with me, you say you're not looking for anything and that's exactly what you'll get. i'll leave you alone. im not tryna jump the broom but im no longer interested in psuedo-boyfriends and regular sex partners. i need a little bit more than that.
You know, I'm at that same point in my life. I'm only 23 but I've had so many relationships and "situations" with people that didn't pan out or who didn't want the same thing. I'm looking for more, specifically a relationship. If a guy tells me he's not me or not looking for someone I' up OUT. Aint' got time to be playing games, we are not 16 anymore. He wants what he wants, I want what I want. I'm not a mind reader or magician. Don't have time to trick you into anything. We aren't on the same page? Thanks for the heads up and dueces.
Cosign wih the majority of the post. Good ish WIM
first of all there needs to be clarity between being a boy, guy, and a man. a boy has options, a guy doesnt care and a man already commited to the decision he made.
if you have options than youre tasting anything and everything, pulling the best out of each type of person and situation and making mental notes on what you want in the future.
if you dont care too much about relationships than youre in a stage of personal development. you need time to yourself to know your own identity. this alone time is crucial because once you get a whif of your future youll follow the scent trail forever if you have the courage and dedication to yourself and confidence IN yourself.
once a man is confident he got a whiff of his mate hell pounce. hell pursue her like its the only thing he can breathe to stay alive and regardless of which stage a female is in, if a male approaches her on that level shell eventually come around. men are persistent. if they want you they had you when they decided for things to go down like that.
…but thats if youre into dating. otherwise its actually kind of simple how relationships work. a girl grows up learning how to be a woman using her mother as an example, she goes out into the world, a guy whose been learning how to be a man from his father scoops her up, he courts her, she ignores him, he gets tired, she courts him, he gets cold feet, he comes around, they move away from the family and become a happy couple.
if your parents failed at their jobs you get into sloppy, complicated dating situations you have no idea how to get out of.
I came into this entry already thinking I wasn't going to agree with it and into the first paragraph, I continued that belief. However, by the end, I must say that i agree. As a man who is actually, and REALLY, not looking to commit to a woman at all, I do keep my eye open, and heart for that matter, for women who I think could potentially be my one and only, when I decide to be the right man for them…a good man for them.
The title of this entry isn't a "committed" relationship though, it just says serious, and serious can mean 100 different things to different people. In believe that most men, including myself, do want something serious with atleast one woman. Something serious meaning someone they can grow and share their lives with, even if they aren't exclusive with that woman at the time. That "main" as you may call it.
Who cares what men want? Most men are a waste of time and as Ntozake Shange's poem points out will steal your stuff. Maybe we all better watch Tyler Perry's movie For Colored Girls and then revisit the topic of what men want from women versus what they offer.
To your question:
"Fellas, am I completely off the mark here? Do you keep your eye out for women you could see yourself with even in the height of your promiscuity or do you happen upon a relationships with good women randomly, like the lottery?”
I'd say you're speaking from a common but still narrow perspective that is often passed off as universal law. Truth be told, I've definitely met and greeted women with no motive other than getting to know what they're about on a platonic level. The way you present us is if we're mindless automatons who think strictly with our lower selves.
Now I'll agree that in my youth and well into my adulthood, I engaged in a lot of loose/untitled relationships — complicated trysts and flings. I enjoyed that but at my core, I knew a relationship would be more fulfilling and steadying. I don't think I was always as aware as you were to know a woman's purpose in my life off the break. I think it's completely unfair to assess people using the most blanket assumptions. I hate it when it's done to me so I won't do it to a woman.
I'm I'm honest, and I'm damn sure trying to be now, I live in the DC area and I see a dozen amazing women daily. I know full well the bounty that exists in this city and at a point, I took full advantage of it. But there comes a point in your life where you realize if your eye is constantly wandering, when would you ever truly have time to focus on what could be a true union?
Peace for the words, brother.
"I don't think I was always as aware as you were to know a woman's purpose in my life off the break. I think it's completely unfair to assess people using the most blanket assumptions. I hate it when it's done to me so I won't do it to a woman." Thank you
If what you say is true, then you're saying that the majority of men are lying to themselves and/or the women they date. This makes me glad to be single, which is the definite truth. I don't have anything to give to a relationship right now, so I've taken myself out of the dating game. Perhaps I should put a profile on Match.com, date some dudes and then disappear because that would be the equivalent of what you say that men do. Misrepresentation of all kinds in any relationship is just bad for business.
Why do you characterize platonic relationships as such a negative? I have great friends of both sexes and they enrich my life in different ways. Perhaps your passing comment wasn't meant to be as telling as it was, but if all of us learned the value of friendships we'd find ourselves in more productive romantic relationships.
Just my $0.02.
"Why do you characterize platonic relationships as such a negative? I have great friends of both sexes and they enrich my life in different ways. Perhaps your passing comment wasn't meant to be as telling as it was, but if all of us learned the value of friendships we'd find ourselves in more productive romantic relationships." NICE!
This is a bunch of dumb nucca shyt. If a nickel aint checking for you the moment after he busts a nutt…(if he wipes up and bounces before dawn, that's a big clue that he is not checking for you…or even if he stays and does not contact you in the First 48, it is a WRAP!)..then he will NEVER check for you. It is that simple. Friends with benefits aka (fucc buddies) are also doomed. 8.5 ouuta 10 of the nucca's out here aint worth a serious relationship anyway way. And about the same goes for the women. So what is all of the hubbub about? Stay single people….
*blank stare @ biigie fries*
soo..anyways…thanks for the post. very honest. My ex and i were friends for years before we got together. He told me "Im sure glad you're here because I wouldn't know what to do with these crazy women out here". He passed and it took me dating other men to see what he was talking about! It's a hard game and i just try and stay real as i can and let the guy decide if its me he wants to roll with. And i do categorize..i can't help it! In the first 5-10 minutes i know where Im going to put him: "Run", "Friend", "Business", "Tune Up", "Father" "Husband for life"..new category is "FB/Twitter Pal".
interesting article. very interesting.
While I want honesty always (good, bad, ugly, indifferent), I really don't want to be judged on the sly. That isn't being upfront and truthful to me. If you want to judge me, wait until I commit a crime and you're up for jury duty. The line (yes that is all it is, per the post) is not going to hurt me or my feelings, but I be damned if you're going to set it up to f*ck over my feelings later. Either you want to get to know me or not.
Keep 'em coming!
Great blog man. Lovin the photos and content up on here!
Very interesting and in my experience I have heard the "I'm not ready" spiel and the "you are such a good woman" line and yet find that said dude is in a relationship. However what do you do when the guy actually says outright he's ready to settle down and have kids? True story.
Dr. J said something interesting: "Men are attracted to power, money and sex. In that order. Some men are convinced that their success hinges on the fact that they can never settle down or having anything meaningful in their lives that may come in between them and their goals."
While I don't buy his argument that all men place power and money before sex – many don't! – I certainly feel where he's coming from as a successful single Black male trying to go to the top.
My goals and aspirations come FIRST; no woman or harem of women will get between me and my goals. Period. If I happen to stumble across my Michelle Obama, I might stop and try to slowly cultivate something, but what my experience has shown me is that most women actually don't have the patience (or desire?) for this contrary to popular belief. A lot of women get offended by or suspicious of men who are incredibly busy and can't hang all the time. (I don't cheat!)
This normally manifests itself in the form of an emotional appeal – either angry, sad, incredibly angry or sobbing sad – that basically requires me to stop focusing on my goals and spend more time with said woman, aka, get in the way of me and my goals by requiring a larger investment of my time and energy. For me, this is simply unacceptable and, not to mention, impossible. I don't have enough energy and time to put up with this kind of stuff. So what am I to do when a seemingly stable thing turns ugly b/c my eyes are on the prize?
I HAVE to leave for my own sanity and self-interest. But then, guess what, I'm just another "boy" that needs to grow up. Now if I only had a woman that understood I'm trying to get ahead right now and nothing else…
I get exactly where you are coming from and I think that I am going through the same thing with what I am trying to accomplish with my goals for the future. But like you said, women are very emotional, well I can honestly say I am. And when I point this out to a man that I am trying to stay focused and I allow him to have a little bit of attention, its like somehow he diverted my eyes his way if he showed some positive qualities. Now all I want to ask of them now is: Brotha, if I tell you I am focused, then don't come around trying to take my focus away when I tell you that's what I am about, because yes I can focus on a relationship and the empire I am building at the same time, but when you throw that twist in later in the game about not being ready for a relationship and you deceived me in the beginning by allowing me to open up to you while I'm focused…that is just plain old HATING.
No really, I can't be mad that he tried, but it just teaches me a lesson for the future. When I say that I am after something, then that's what I am after. And just like you Drizzle, I been there and so I can tell a man NO right now, because really its imperative for my future that I remain focused and not get caught up in the world of trying to make him matter, and building a heart for him when he will just say, he's not ready for it yet…I am telling those brothas from now on, keep it moving, because I am way too busy for the B.S. & games.
"My goals and aspirations come FIRST; no woman or harem of women will get between me and my goals. Period. If I happen to stumble across my Michelle Obama, I might stop and try to slowly cultivate something, but what my experience has shown me is that most women actually don't have the patience (or desire?) for this contrary to popular belief. A lot of women get offended by or suspicious of men who are incredibly busy and can't hang all the time. (I don't cheat!)" Your goals should be important to you, and no woman should ever try to stand in your way. And you shouldn't commit to anyone until you're ready. IMO. Michelle certainly did not give into Barack’s seemingly foolish pick up lines initially. But obviously she could see he had potential (ambition and goals). That is important to some women. What’s wrong with sharing that information with her from the start, but not in a deceitful way? I’m busy trying to …., I don't have time to …. but I'm wiling to ….., I really would like to get to know you, but ….., Maybe we could be friends….., I’m not asking you to wait but …, I just want to have fun right now because I'm focused on ….., Some form of communication which expresses interest and shows her you’re at least willing to do something besides just have sex with her. Yes we all have needs and there's some woman focusing on her career who only wants a sex partner now and a relationship/family later. You could try to find a balance, with a solely who's focused on a relationship/marriage but I think a mature woman with her own career goals would be more understanding. The two of you can just have relations, build a legacy together or you could wait until you’re done getting ahead to see if the woman you desire is still available and interested, which, despite the odds is gamble. Black women are loyal to black men, for the most part, but more and more have started dating outside their race.
Wisdom -great post by the way- mot definitely hit it on the head w/ this one! ..I believe that most of us men subconsciously "classify" women (I know I do!) into specific categories because we want to keep our options open not waste to much time w/ ones are not worthwhile. Even though I'm not in a serious r/ship right now I always consider every woman I date as a potential "long-termer." Most women (IMO) think that all we want to do is smash [..which may be true in some situations] but that's only because many woman present themselves or come off in that manner. I have sooo much more respect for women who actually make me wait and have a bit substance & self-respect for themselves. It's absolutely true that we know w/in 5 min of conversation/meeting w/ a woman whether what category they will fall into. I personally will NOT waste my time approaching a woman if she does seem like has potential to be my exclusive (Presentation means a lot so I look for class, self-respect, substance, being genuine) regardless of how "bad" she looks. Compared with my boys, I always tend to go for QUALITY not quantity!
I am a good looking man,i am looking for a right female partner for good relationship that will lead to marriage between the age of 20 to 40 years old female partner please contact me if you are interested in my proposal by emailing me i will be glad to receive your email,because i am despiratly in need of a right woman that is ready to settle down my email:email@example.com
I agree completely. I am always keeping an eye out for that one woman for me, while doing me elsewhere with females that I don't consider wifey material. I'm talking to a female now and she already failed the wifey evaluation, but she did pass the friends with benefits requirements.
I read your article a couple of time so I could be sure I took in all the points. I’m in agreement with you on a lot of this content.
pDyKaC Somewhere in the Internet I have already read almost the same selection of information, but anyway thanks!!….
LOL! This is so true… I went on a first date with a guy who told me he wasn't looking for anything serious and by the 3rd he was telling how good of a boyfriend he is and how I would want to marry him one day. #goodread
i am a STRAIGHT MAN that is seriously looking to meet a good woman and have that relationship, but with so many women nowadays that are very nasty, it is very hard. with many women now having such AN ATTITUDE PROBLEM, certainly makes it very difficult meeting one. i can't blame myself, since i did not do anything wrong on my part. most women are a TEASE TODAY, playing very hard to get. i was married at one time before, but she CHEATED on me, i was a very good husband, that loved her very much. i never MISTREATED her in anyway, and i really thought that i was going to spend the rest of my life with her and have a family. so many women today are not looking for men anymore like they once use to, and it certainly seems that all the GOOD ONES have now been taken.
It is odd you should say that guys would say that they are "not looking for a serious relationship" when they really are; whereas in my case I will say to a guy/guys that I am "looking for a serious relationship" and I really am looking for a serious relationship. However, this does not mean that I want a man to be my man on the first, second or even third date. I feel that a relationship develops and it is not something that can be rushed into 🙂 Guys will tell you what they think you want to hear. In the beginning it works, however, as you continue to talk with the guy, he begin to show his true self. My problem is that I do not have the heart to tell a man that he is not "the one" for me.
So what happens? You just disappear? lol
My recent post How I Used LinkedIn As My Career Consultant
I recently had this happen to me when a younger guy told me out the gate that he didn't want a serious relationship with anyone (that he was dating at the time) and even encouraged me to date other people. I never had that happen before and I've been on the dating scene for a while now.
I was crushed and took it personal and asked him to just tell me he's not interested in me. But instead he said that it wasn't me and that I'm perfect and that any man would want me. It's just that he was still getting over his last relationship where he got burned badly (his ex cheated on him, got pregnant by someone else, and then left him unexpectedly…), That and all the other emotional baggage he's carrying from other relationships….So I said "Okay", told him that I was looking for a committed relationship with someone, and left it like that.
He asked me out on 3 or 4 more dates after that and each time was a blast! I thought he was getting a little serious with me because of all those pre-screening marriage questions he was asking me…That and him showing me his family album of pictures….That and him wanting to take the condom off and have unprotected sex with me… But I didn't read into all that I just remembered that he didn't want a serious relationship and continued to date him and date other men.
To make a long story short, this dude popped up at a party I attended….I was on a date with another man. At first he disrespected my date and gave me a huge bear hug right in front of him and kept rubbing all over my body. Then later on he realized that I was with another man and he looked mad/sick as hell! All he could do was just stand there and watch me for like a 1/2 hour as I danced the night away with my new date.
I tried to talk to him since but he's ignoring me now because he's mad. Now he just follows my Facebook page and takes his new girl out to places I've been to with my new date…Oh well I guess this strategy didn't work so well for him…
That's frigging AWESOME. i am dying to get that chance!
I DIED READING THIS LMAO!!! LMAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I’m just reading this article and was most intrigued by the comments of WIM and Animate. SMH…their statements are riddled with overlapping and contradiction. These kind of guys are a serious waste of time because the main thought that drives them is that “someone else’s grass is always greener and their sugar’s sweeter.” Guys like this are pathetic losers who are skilled at talking in circles and manipulation. Ladies, be smart…when a man tells you he’s not looking for a serious relationship, keep it moving unless, you are looking for the same. This kind of manipulation is banking on you feeling like you need to prove yourself worthy of them by making attempt at changing their mind and thus causing them to move you into the serious category. Let these kind fall face first and ass out by the wayside or find yourself face down and ass up as they ride the coochy and mind-fuck you for as long as possible.
"They meet a woman they might have some potential interest in and they promptly warn her, “I’m not looking for anything serious.” Even though he is. This is code for, I’ve just put you on the possible girlfriend/wife plan but I’m going to wait and see how you act first….I’ve never, ever, everrr met a man that went out with the sole purpose of making a female friend. I believe all male and female friendships happen by accident or destiny. Accident being he was trying to get in your jeans and somewhere he juked when he should have jived and ended up as your BFF. " I was aware of this therefore when I meet a man and the first thing he says is, I'm not looking for …, I'm busy…, etc. my first instinct is he's full of it. In my opinion communication like this is very misleading and often dishonest. Dishonesty is a turn off even if it's done to soften the blow of rejection. I don't understand. Why not use other words? When I see this and other qualities I don't like I place potential male partners in the friend zone. Dating, Relationship/Marriage or Friend I'd never …… That is pretty much it for classifications as far as I'm concerned. "If you freak out and give us a speech about what you need and the timeline in which you need it as you work your head back and forth, swivel your index finger in our face, and belittle us about how we need to man up, welll we know after 2 dates you’d bring up the marriage conversation – and who wants that?" This I don't understand – I understand the attitude and gestures are not acceptable behavior, but what I don't understand is this assumption "well we know after 2 dates you’d bring up the marriage conversation – and who wants that?" Other than making it known (in a pleasant way) in the beginning that I'm interested in marriage I've never bought it up as a topic of conversation to a man I was dating or in a relationship with. Am I missing something. Is it not cool to mention it at all or am I just one of the few women who doesn't mention it? If it's meant to be I believe it should happen as a natural progression in the relationship and never be forced. If a man or woman isn't ready. Move on.
my name is KIM.
its been long that i had been looking for true love that i hope its last for long term but most of the time,i alwas come across scamers.
i have one question to ask,is it true that one can meet real lover by internet?if so where can i find one?
Iam a nice looking black african guy at age 38yrs in good health.if you are really looking for true love that will last for long term,email..firstname.lastname@example.org
meh. i've heard too many "men think this" or "men think that" stories to really care what they think anymore. spending time thinking about what they think is a total and utter waste of time.
what goes on in their heads is beyond me at this point.
cheers everyone and happy hunting.
LMAO @ all this.
You guys didn't know?
This is the classic "Sour Grapes" blitz aka "I'm not looking but I really am but I don't want you to think I'm needy/clingy even though I know this is just some bullshit social "Norm" probably made up in a focus group to sell cut rate insurance that everybody blindly follows and I'm sure you feel the same but we can't say so because we'll be labeled simps."
Protip, cut that shit out and be adults.
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