SBM: “I got a guy you might like.”
Shauna Berlinda Franklin: “I’m listening …”
SBM: “OK. I know how picky you are and I think I dodged all of your dealbreakers.”
S.B.F.: “You always say that. Surprise me this time!”
SBM: “He’s a doctor who went to an HBCU.”
S.B.F.: “So good so far.”
SBM: “He volunteers as a basketball coach for the YMCA and played in college.”
S.B.F.: “So he isn’t short and he works out. Check and check.”
SBM: “Here is his picture.” ** hands her phone with facebook page opened**
S.B.F.: “See … there you go again. Always getting my hopes up and then crushing them everytime!”
SBM: “You can’t be serious! What is wrong with him!?”
S.B.F.: “He’s got a bicycle in the background. You know a guy with a bicyle is a dealbreaker. How is going to have kids with his testes all mangled? ”
Yes … dealbreakers are a well known part of the dating vocabulary. But for those of you who don’t know what a dealbreaker means (to me), let me clarify.
Dealbreaker – A characteristic that you simply refuse to accept in a significant other. For whatever reason, whether logical or not, this is not something you can or are willing to accept in a mate. Essentially, the existence of this characteristic “breaks the deal” of dating.
Well Known Dealbreakers for Women
– Under 6’0″ (or some other arbitrarily determined height)
– Listens to down south rap
– Didn’t go to college
– Small d*
– No car
Well Known Dealbreakers for Men
– No ass
– No breasts
– Busted Face (You would be surprised how much men will let go for some nice T&A)
– No personality (Again … if ya got some T&A)
– No college degree
– Busted toes
– Can’t dress
Long story short, both men and women are running around with mental checklists, disqualifying would be baby mamas and FwBs that you crazidly assume will turn into a real relationship even though he is already smashing without an demands on his time or sanity as they meet one of the dreaded “dealbreakers”.
The fact is, there is a problem. Too many people have let their lists get away from them. Lists are way too long and include things that aren’t dealbreaker … but preferences.
Introducing … the “preference”
Preference – A characteristic that you want in your ideal significant other. BUT, realizing that no one is perfect, trade-offs are made, things are swapped around (e.g. she has no breasts … but ass for days), and somethings are relaxed (e.g. 5’11” is pretty close to 6’0″).
People are running around mistaking dealbreakers for preferences and this is making dating a lot harder for a lot of people.
You don’t NEED to date a 6 figure earner … you PREFER someone with money
You don’t NEED to date a model … you PREFER to date someone who looks good
You don’t NEED the best head in the world … you PREFER NEED something that will at least curl your toes
Basically, there are a lot of things that you would like to have or like to avoid, but it’s not a real dealbreaker. Realistically, it doesn’t (or maybe shouldn’t) disqualify this person from your dating pool. It hurts them and takes away a point or two … but you at least need to give them a chance to get over this one “ding”.
So how do we fix it …
Simple … keep your “dealbreaker” list small. At MAX, you should have 5, but really all you need is 3. Yes … all you need is a list of 3 dealbreakers (and infinite preferences) to be happy. And you don’t have to count the basics … because there is a lot of stuff that no one wants (shouldn’t beat on me, shouldn’t be selling drugs, shouldn’t cheat on me).
As an example, here is a an old SBM Dealbreaker list
– Didn’t attend a 4 year school (Sorry … but I just can’t)
– Chronically selfish (I just can’t do selfish women. Some men can … but not me)
– Stupidity (F* what others say … I can’t stand me a dumb chic)
The preference list was actually a mathematical model based on something like 500 individual characteristics, but what can I say … I was a picky and nerdy over-thinking motherf*er.
So take a stab at it. Can you distill your list of dealbreakers down to 3-5? Do you really need more than that (why the f* are you special)?
– SBM aka The Guy who dates using Excel aka “You failed the pre-screen round”