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How to choose your “Dealbreakers”


SBM: “I got a guy you might like.”
Shauna Berlinda Franklin: “I’m listening …”
SBM: “OK.  I know how picky you are and I think I dodged all of your dealbreakers.”
S.B.F.: “You always say that.  Surprise me this time!”
SBM: “He’s a doctor who went to an HBCU.”
S.B.F.: “So good so far.”
SBM: “He volunteers as a basketball coach for the YMCA and played in college.”
S.B.F.: “So he isn’t short and he works out. Check and check.”
SBM: “Here is his picture.” ** hands her phone with facebook page opened**
S.B.F.: “See … there you go again.  Always getting my hopes up and then crushing them everytime!”
SBM: “You can’t be serious! What is wrong with him!?”
S.B.F.: “He’s got a bicycle in the background. You know a guy with a bicyle is a dealbreaker. How is going to have kids with his testes all mangled? ”
SBM: **sigh**

Yes … dealbreakers are a well known part of the dating vocabulary.  But for those of you who don’t know what a dealbreaker means (to me), let me clarify.

Dealbreaker – A characteristic that you simply refuse to accept in a significant other.  For whatever reason, whether logical or not, this is not something you can or are willing to accept in a mate.  Essentially, the existence of this characteristic “breaks the deal” of dating.

See Also:  What's Up With Guys Women "Don't Count?"

Well Known Dealbreakers for Women
– Under 6’0″ (or some other arbitrarily determined height)
– Listens to down south rap
– Didn’t go to college
– Small d*
– Cornrows
– No car

Well Known Dealbreakers for Men
– No ass
– No breasts
Busted Face (You would be surprised how much men will let go for some nice T&A)
No personality (Again … if ya got some T&A)
– No college degree
– Busted toes
– Can’t dress
– Golddigger

Long story short, both men and women are running around with mental checklists, disqualifying would be baby mamas and FwBs that you crazidly assume will turn into a real relationship even though he is already smashing without an demands on his time or sanity as they meet one of the dreaded “dealbreakers”.

The fact is, there is a problem.  Too many people have let their lists get away from them.  Lists are way too long and include things that aren’t dealbreaker … but preferences.

Introducing … the “preference”

Preference – A characteristic that you want in your ideal significant other.  BUT, realizing that no one is perfect, trade-offs are made, things are swapped around (e.g. she has no breasts … but ass for days), and somethings are relaxed (e.g. 5’11” is pretty close to 6’0″).

See Also:  Can You Sleep With Someone Else While On A Break?

People are running around mistaking dealbreakers for preferences and this is making dating a lot harder for a lot of people.

You don’t NEED to date a 6 figure earner … you PREFER someone with money

You don’t NEED to date a model … you PREFER to date someone who looks good

You don’t NEED the best head in the world … you PREFER NEED something that will at least curl your toes

Basically, there are a lot of things that you would like to have or like to avoid, but it’s not a real dealbreaker.  Realistically, it doesn’t (or maybe shouldn’t) disqualify this person from your dating pool.  It hurts them and takes away a point or two … but you at least need to give them a chance to get over this one “ding”.

So how do we fix it …

Simple … keep your “dealbreaker” list small.  At MAX, you should have 5, but really all you need is 3.  Yes … all you need is a list of 3 dealbreakers (and infinite preferences) to be happy.  And you don’t have to count the basics … because there is a lot of stuff that no one wants (shouldn’t beat on me, shouldn’t be selling drugs, shouldn’t cheat on me).

See Also:  No Wifing in the Club, Gimme 20 Dollars

As an example, here is a an old SBM Dealbreaker list

– Didn’t attend a 4 year school (Sorry … but I just can’t)
– Chronically selfish (I just can’t do selfish women. Some men can … but not me)
– Stupidity (F* what others say … I can’t stand me a dumb chic)

The preference list was actually a mathematical model based on something like 500 individual characteristics, but what can I say … I was a picky and nerdy over-thinking motherf*er.

So take a stab at it.  Can you distill your list of dealbreakers down to 3-5?  Do you really need more than that (why the f* are you special)?

– SBM aka The Guy who dates using Excel aka “You failed the pre-screen round”


    1. @RT: I don't think that the 6-Ft. requirement is that serious. I think it's relative to the woman's height. I wouldn't want a guy I'm eye to eye with. (I'm 5'4) My dealbreakers are:

      No Job

      No Car

      Not a Reader, not into Current Affairs

      Not Open-Minded


      1. i HATE closed-minded guys…i dealt with one once that wouldn't even try new foods…as someone who is Trini & Haitian AND likes to travel, that #mightdontmakeit!

  1. Simple … keep your “dealbreaker” list small. At MAX, you should have 5, but really all you need is 3.

    ^^^At Modern Match Maker Live, Paul Brunson suggested having 4-5 non-starters at max. When i saw the title of the post, i immediately thought of MDML & this conversation!

    Can you distill your list of dealbreakers down to 3-5?

    1) Smoker (I hate it to the pit of my very soul…saw a guy i was interested in smoke & he lost ALL attractiveness/sex appeal to me)

    2) No degree or not even working towards one (like if he's working on one, that's fine but not at all, nope, sorry…i'm working on a masters! What i look like with a dude who didn't care to at least get a bachelors?)

    3) Neck/hand tattoos & grills

    4) Drug dealer/on drugs (yea, this includes weed)

    5) Bad body odor

    Do you really need more than that (why the f* are you special)?

    ^^^Nope, 5 covered it all for me!

    This was a good post SBM!

  2. Agreed, agreed and agreed!The so – called list of dealbreakers isn't it just a reflection of some peoples constant search for perfection. Nobody is good enough. Nobody ever will be?Because ultimately, with some people – they don't really really want a relationship?

  3. Agreed, agreed and agreed!
    The so – called list of dealbreakers isn't it just a reflection of some peoples constant search for perfection. Nobody is good enough. Nobody ever will be?Because ultimately, with some people – they don't really really want a relationship?

  4. Interesting. I have a friend with such a detailed list of deal breakers she limits her dating pool like no one I've ever known…her dates are few and far between and to top it off each guy she dates is a duplicate of the previous one. She still hasn't realized the error of her ways and she won't listen to anyone of us (her friends).

    I have a deal-breaker list and a wish list. The deal-breakers include things such as honesty, confidence, understands compromise, ambitious/motivated and several others that add up to a full 20 – but all are things I feel are important. While I agree that some lists have gotten away from people and that certain items like height and music taste belong on the wish / preference list, I think certain 'basics' should not be ignored and chucked up to obvious things no one wants. If its important and realistic put it on the list! For example: I don't think anyone wants to be with someone who isn't confident, but I've seen some people bypass such a basic thing in favor of other dumb sh*t…like height or weight. I leave confidence and other 'basic' items on my list to make sure I don't forget what's important.

    However, in honor of your post, I will try to whittle my list to 3-5…well at least make note of which are the 3-5 most important deal-breakers.


  5. I have no list. I have preferences but I have to think hard to list them. I have no deal breakers though. Funny because people could say "well damn you give EVERYBODY a chance!" Which is not necessarily true. Its just that you limit yourself with lists & requirements. I loathe country accents (note I said country & not Southern…I have come to realize there's a difference) but lo and behold my current boyfriend is the countriest (not a word lol) dude I've ever met! He is also the best boyfriend I've ever had. That's why I don't have a list or any deal-breakers because the most wonderful person just may be a smoker with permanent gold teeth (two things I hate btw) but he could meet me & get the gold teeth removed and quit smoking. When I met my boyfriend the way he talked, dressed, wore his hair, etc was ALL wrong & if I had a list I wouldn't have even bothered to take his number. But I took it ("it" being his number and a chance) and I'm so glad I did. We're working on his way of speaking & the wardrobe got a total makeover. His haircuts are now on point as well. I wasn't even trying to change him into what I wanted him to be but he saw what I liked and since he liked me he implemented changes in his life. This was a good post although I live dealbreaker-free, it was be interesting to see what some peoples deal-breakers are! 🙂

  6. hm… Everytime I see one of these posts, I end up adding more to my preferences list. I'm just glad I've never written it – physically out b/c I think that speaks to my willingness to compromise. Anywho 'deal breakers' for me:

    1 No Jesus
    2 No Source of Income (trust fund kids are fine by me)
    3 Outright Rude People
    4 Stupidity
    5 Excessively Cheap People

    I think abt covers it. & 5 was wavering & could have been switched out for open mindedness… Didn't include education b/c I've met some of the dumbest folks alive w/ degrees plus I've dealt with quite a few military men.

  7. Can you distill your list of dealbreakers down to 3-5?

    A follower

    A man that thinks money, degrees, or materials make a person…iCan't…too shallow.

    A man that does not listen

  8. This was a damn good post. Problem is that people of both genders have a hard time separating preferences from dealbreakers, like the two are one in the same, and that's where the problems and obscenely high standards come in.

    My dealbreakers are far and few in between:

    1) Bad hygiene

    2) No personality

    3) Greedy

  9. As we mature and get older I find that dealbreakers/preferences will get revised. I know I have edited a few of mine, but I still have a few that are NoN-Negotiable.





    Orally/Chexually Repressed

    No Job

    Bad Grooming Habits

    A guy not having a car is no longer a dealbreaker depending where he lives BUT he has to have some other means of transportation at least (i.e. Motorcyle), I refuse to be his taxi. I hate smoking but honestly if I met someone who possessed none of the above Non- Negotiables I would give him a pass but he still couldn't smoke in front of me.

  10. Deal Breakers:

    -Poor conversation

    -Must have a "get-it-done" attitude. (I like a man with a plan in which he actually executes.)

    -Has to be a Christian


    -Has to be passionate about something greater than himself

    I'm pretty reasonable when it comes to my lists. If I can talk to you, you're a Christian, and you're passionate about something greater than himself, then we can make it work. 🙂

  11. 1. Too negative all the time – "Today is the worst day in the history of my life since yesterday when that was the worst day of my life"

    2. Bad Breathe – enough said

    3. Selfish – I want the world but can only afford to give you a grain of sand.

    4. Dependent – Why are you mid 20's and still call your mother/father/pastor/uncle/big sister for EVERY decision you need to make in your life (i.e. number 3 or number 4 at Wendy's)

    5. Women with long a$$ lists ( I want a God fearing thug who is very metro and can fix my car and things around the house who can pull all the women he wants but has only slept with two people who is aggressive but wouldnt hit me when I burn his bacon.

    1. C-Ro: "5. Women with long a$$ lists ( I want a God fearing thug who is very metro and can fix my car and things around the house who can pull all the women he wants but has only slept with two people who is aggressive but wouldnt hit me when I burn his bacon."


  12. Good post! I was writing about my preferences the other day for my blog. But since you asked…lol. Here are my deal breakers.

    1. Doesn't believe in God

    2. Lacks Ambition/Passion – I need a man with a plan. I'm open to what the plan is and what fruit it will yield, but you have to want something and go after it. Passion is necessary.

    3. Cheapy McCheapster/Selfish – Money-wise, emotionally, etc. I'll pass!

    4. Follower/Dependent on Friends – Bromance's are NOT what's hot in the streets. Neither is a mama's boy. Man up, and venture out!

    5. Shallow/Materialistic – we all like nice things, but unless you come from money you had to get there somehow too. Don't look down your nose at people, and don't be a label whore. Just because you pay thousands doesn't mean you have style…be real.

  13. (1) Smashing of thoust homies.

    (2) Participated in a triz.

    (3) You have herpes.

    Should I be messed up? Aww eff it it's Monday.

    Preface: I'm picky as hell and I already know it.

    (4) I don't like short hair. Like at all. I've met women with short hair and i'm like, "oh they're cute, but i'm never going to date them." I know like all the women with short hair that I would consider taking down they are in this order: Rosa Acosta, …

    My bad, saying Rosa Acosta is equivalent to throwing the basketball off the court.

  14. My deal breakers have never been tangible things like height, weight, degrees, etc. They've always been intangibles such as confidence, respect, ambitious, and passionate about SOMETHING in life! My wife is all of these and more.

  15. It was actually difficult to think of a list. I guess I would settle on these five, in no particular order.



    Has an STD

    Had $ex with one of my friends or family members


    1. Christians are on your deal breaker list? Oh, well, it was eFun while it eLasted. I can't rebuke God for some eSkins… 😉

  16. Deal Breakers:

    1. Christian / Christian beliefs

    2. non-smoker (this is a dealbreaker with friends too)

    3. at least avg size d** (may seem shallow but…)

    4. Educated / Smart (doesnt necessarily mean a college degree)

    5. COMPATIBLE with ME

    "And you don’t have to count the basics … because there is a lot of stuff that no one wants (shouldn’t beat on me, shouldn’t be selling drugs, shouldn’t cheat on me)."

    To me thats where the stds, hygiene, and basically being a 'good' person comes in.

  17. My dealbreakers tend to change with the wind but the ones that remain constant on my list are

    Bad manners

    Deadbeat dads


    Lack of racial consciousness

  18. I'm kind of lurkey lurkey today because I'm pretty sure that I had a list before I met my husband but that was so long ago I can't remember.

    Good post though. I like the 1) God/Jesus in his life thingee and no bitchassness. I chuckled at that one.

  19. Those who fall under the DB status are as follows:

    1) Non-generous (selfish)—financially, emotionally, physically…all of that

    2) Lacks conversational skills or reasoning ability- #nobueno

    3) No morals

    4) Doesn't believe in an entity higher than himself—specifically God

    5) Lack of ambition/growth- if you can see yourself EXACTLY where you are 2-5 years from now–>> no thanks

  20. i have deal breakers but i don't think they are that bad:

    1. women with children. i've tried it once and i'm looking to play daddy to any child that isn't mine. sorry. just can't do it.

    2. women who are selfish. i'm a fairly generous person. even though i don't have much but what i have i give.

    3. no sense of humor. i love to laugh. if you don't think anything is funny or you're always in a bad mood or frowning i don't think we'd ever make it.

    4 women with no ambition. i have major goals in life. you should never be comfortable we're you are. you should always be looking to expand and rise. always.

    1. 4 women with no ambition. i have major goals in life. you should never be comfortable we’re you are. you should always be looking to expand and rise. always.

      >> This right here… Chuuch.

  21. @ #2 on dealbreakers for women….actually i'd say the opposite.

    Because I was raised it it, grew up on it, still listen to it…and even indulge in the foolishness that is waka flaka…I don't need your judgement..I need you to be able to use "burr" in a sentence.

  22. 1. He has to be easy going

    2. At least the same economic, educational and emotional as myself

    3. Affectionate

    4. Adventurous

    5. Progressive

    Thats all I could think of but I really only put into practice numbers one and two.

  23. A Dealbreaker is a preference but a preference isn't always a dealbreaker…. We don't need any of these things but we choose to have these things in our lives… No 4 yr degree… <– that isn't needed by n e means.. Unless you are saying you want somebody that is smart or can read a book… That is a total preference but its a dealbreaker for you… A dealbreaker is something like… "Oh you don't want anymore kids… Well I want some so we are a no go"

    There is no wiggle room on that one.. its either kids or not… You want them & I don't… A 4 yr degree can be obtained at any point, which has no defining personality behind it…

  24. Seriously though I think my 3-5 are broad enough to capture any smaller-more nitpicky thing that would be on my list.

    1) Christian with a relationship with God, not looking for a man of the cloth per se, but if your involvment with the Big Homie is limited to Easter and Mother's Day (which I've never understood) then we probably aren't gonna work out.

    2) Ambition and drive in action. Lots of people are ambitious but ain't doing a thing to actually move them towards their goals. I need ambition and action to be pretty evident. Plus your committment to a goal or a cause shows me that you are passionate about something.

    3) Family oriented. Not just moms and dads but you've got to have people around you (blood or not) that you have strong relationships with. Your inability to maintain strong close relationships are otherwise read as a RED flag.

    4) No smokers- I can't breathe around it.

    5) Ability to laugh. iCan't deal with someone who takes themselves so seriously that they can't relax and just laugh. If you take yourself that seriously that NOTHING is funny, and you can't ever just let go a bit- then I'll pass.

    1. "Christian with a relationship with God, not looking for a man of the cloth per se, but if your involvment with the Big Homie is limited to Easter and Mother’s Day (which I’ve never understood) then we probably aren’t gonna work out."

      i forgot to add this as a deal breaker. i just assume that the woman i'm going to be with will be spiritual. i've never had this problem so it's an afterthought.

  25. "I was a picky and nerdy over-thinking motherf*er." ~ I still think you are…

    Deal breakers:

    1) Thinks he's a rapper

    2) Lack of ambition

    3) Lack of intellect

    Maybe it's because I live in AZ but 90% of the black guys and some Latino guys I meet all are rappers or aspiring rappers, le sigh…

    If you're not ambitious don't even bother with me. Walk away.

    Intellectualness encompasses a lot of things, if you can't keep a conversation going with me about HAARP or how the Suns put a beating on the Lakers then we don't need to be having a conversation at all. To the left please.

    1. I think it's a West Coast thing (dodging shots)…I feel the same way about men of color in Washington. At least Seattle…ugh. Breaks me down. Luckily I don't live there anymore.

    2. That's an everywhere thing.

      I was in Syracuse working as a studio engineer and you'd be surprised how many fools kept coming in claiming to be "about to get signed."

      As long as Black people are on this earth we will have a large number of:

      Illiterate wannabe rappers.

      5'7" wannabe ballers.

      Dudes who think they are thugs, but are soft as cotton.

  26. keep your “dealbreaker” list small


    The dealbreaker List:

    1. the hobby-less.

    2. Women who don't want children.

    3. Women with 2 or more kids.

    4.that don't live in the same or nearby city/town (more than a 2 hr. drive)

  27. I honestly feel like these lists are more defense mechanisms…. Ie. I dont want someone who is too cute because she is high maintenance (read: I dont want someone who is too cute because she really doesnt want my a$$).


    I dont want to date someone who has to party all the time to have fun and has to see and be seen because they need attention all the time (read: I dont want to date someone who has to party all the time to have fun because they would never notice me because I am awkward when I go out and shrink into the corner and these type of people made fun of me alot when I was younger.

    See how that works?

    1. thats an interesting perspective. its like working backwards to get to know who a person truly is. itd read differently for me though.

      "i dont want a high maintainence girl" = i can make money i just want to be loved for me and not my success.

      "i dont want someone that parties all the time" = i want someone who knows theres more to life than that and will notice i can show it to them.

      its more so a person indirectly saying how they feel but the only people who are direct about it are the people who get the most flack in the world because their truth exposes everyones lie.

    2. well a lot of people have valid dealbreakers but i also know many people who have dealbreakers that id call defense mechanisms. i have a friend whose gorgeous but only dates ugly dudes because she thinks they are less likely to cheat… and not even nice unattractive guys… theyre usually complete jerks smh

  28. I have 5 deal breakers.

    1. Deadbeat sperm donors- I don't want to even know you in this case.

    2. smoking – Eww, if you smoke your breath, clothes, home and car stink.

    3. dry sense of humor- you have to add humor to my life. I need for you to get a joke.

    4. no vehicle of any sort- you need to be in the process of getting a car or getting your fixed.

    5. basement dwellers in their mama house(unless you are in process of moving into your own place or your mama is on deaths door)- I can't be looking at your mama every time I walk through the door or have to be quiet because your mama might hear.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate


  29. My dealbreakers (narrowed down)

    -Only listens to mainstream music

    -Never read a book (that he/she wasn't required to)

    -Poor hygiene



    -Lack of ambition/goals

    -Heartless/ extremely insensitive along w/ being too self centered

  30. Dealbreakers:

    1. Won't support my fledgling rap career. I'm 'bout to blow the eff up son!!

    2. Gets all mad when she has to come pick me up from the bus stop.

    3. Delibrately uses big words she learned in that bougie HBCU she attended.

    4. Always corrects my mispellingz.

    5. Catches an attitude whenever I blow smoke rings in her face. In some cultures that means "I <3 U Boo!"

    6. Constantly complains about having too many multiple Os.

    7. Always taps out too quickly during our impromptu MMA matches.

    8. Refuses keep silent during "Shut Up and Make Me a Sammich Wednesdays"….

  31. Lack of ambition appears on many lists……..considering most on this website are American I'm thinking a lack of ambition means someone who doesn't slavishly pursue wealth and the trappings of a capatilist society.

    For those that claim to have ambition…….I wonder what they are pursuing.

    The judgmentalness of some never ceases to amaze me.

  32. So I learned today that I have no chance in hell with Dr J. And my evening was going so well. Bummer. Ah well.

    ….just thought to specify that it had to do with my short ass kinky hair, before I start getting side-eyes all over the place. Phew!

    Anywho. My deal-breakers:

    – Non-Christian

    – Lack of an undergraduate degree

    – Social ineptitude

    – Selfishness

    – Arrogance

    To be honest, though, deal-breakers can easily go way beyond that. Some people have mentioned bad breath. For me, that goes without saying, and that's already a 6th. Luckily, social ineptitude goes a long way, so I've knocked off rudeness, obnoxiousness, etc, etc. Lack of good humour and general good-naturedness (if I may) is definitely getting a guy nowhere. Bad grammar? No, thanks. Etc, etc.

  33. After reading these comments, I'm thinking ppl are pretty shallow and will spend a great deal of time alone.

    Before I married, these were my dealbreakers:

    1. Is not God fearing

    2. Not the faithful type

    3. Unemployed

    4. Unattractive to me

    5. Mean


    I have a tall, fine, educated, gainfully employed, responsible, easy going, funny, faithful, and KIND husband.

  34. Peace everyone. This is my first post and just wanted to touch on one of the deal breakers listed quite a few times in the thread.

    I just have to hit on the issue of not having a college degree. It is arguable to me. A person's need for another person to have one and match them statistically is worth disecting, proding and mulling over in order to get to the root of why the db would trump… hmmm let's say…. not having all of his or her teeth or being passive-agressive and controlling?

    Does it have something to do with ego or not wanting the man or woman to feel inferior to you? If he has a degree, but makes 32,000 per yr next to your 82,000, what are you going to do when his head hangs low after he finds he is unable to afford the $1,500 dinner plates to attend an annual benefit you just have to go to cause its become tradition?

    Does having one really make or break an individual and clearly dictate and define his or her success or mental prowess?

    Does having a University of Phoenix degree count as having arrived?

    (Don't get me started about the episode where the Housewives of ATL 2010 (and one from 2008) jumped down Dr. "T"s throat for having an on-line degree— dayum! lol)

    How about those that have degrees, but can't write a decent sentence worth a lick and lack COMMON SENSE?

    What about those with degrees that are competing with other workers for 10.00 per hour wages?

    How about those that have degrees in phys ed or dance?…. can they rock a person's cranium who has a degree in physics? Can they mentally spar with someone who has a degree in philosophy? hmmm (maybe)

    I do AGREE that having a DUHgree (yes DUHgrees do exist) can POSSIBLY get you more paper and more brain power, but nothing is guaranteed anymore.

    An ambitious "go-getter" can and often does trump a college degree in my world. Yes a degree would be a nicety, but lacking one isn't a deal breaker. I often think that most men and women who want their SO to have the seal of approval might be to appease or maybe even gut punch the azzez of superficial and over-achieving family members or maybe to tickle the status-quo fancy.

    If it's something that has pratical application like IT, engineering, medicine etc, then it sounds more feasible to invest time and money. Long gone are the days where employers like Morgan Stanley looked to hire wet behind the ear graduates who had degrees in sociology and anthropology as a means to build a well rounded and intellectually diverse staff.

    Fast forward to today… on the job training anyone? Oh and the "Who You Know" days have always been here. "John, meet my cousin Bill. I believe he will make a heck of a Director for your firm. Whaddya say brother-in-law?" So yes, you will always have who ya knows and on the job frigg'n training even if you've been in the same game for 20 + yrs. If you can't readily apply that degree in today's market, then b-school is an unlikely choice for Ray Ray when he can open a barber shop without the biz degree. Some of the world's top earners never went to college – Will Smith… some even dropped the hell out – Jada why u drop da hell out? lol… hmmm Bill Gates? Wow! Tell me you would turn down Bill and his BILLS in da club?…. although he would be in da club because he actually owns the building, but you knew that already….

    Really though…. my argument centers on the fact that you could be missing out on a good man or woman because of your need for your potential SO to have an overpriced piece of paper.

    My suspision is that a few of you that have this deal breaker also have a part (a) preference of where they must get it from (ivy, state school, hbcu, daddy's alma, etc) and a part (b) specification of what majors/concentrations they are allowed to get it in.

    If you're teachable, wise and a man with a plan that favors common sense, you're good in my book.


  35. 1- Doesnt know how to spell (i think your intelligent then you spell warm like worm and hear like heer. Are you serious?

    2- No job/cheapness

    3- Imature/ cant maintain a conversation

    4- Messy


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