As men … we are faced with difficult decisions every single day of our existence. Most of them aren’t life changing decisions … but we must carefully navigates this labyrinth of choices in order to successfully make it through the day. Some that come to mind …
Are these pants clean enough to wear again?
Do I rock the black Aldo’s … or go casual with the Nike Boots?
Should I stop talking to crazy Kim? She tried to run me over … but man the head game is impeccable.
But these are easy … no, Aldo’s, and no (good head is hard to find she’s a nice girl). You don’t have to think too hard, and what’s the worst that can happen … your shoes don’t match your shirt.
There are a set of questions, a unique grouping of interrogations, that can send shivers down the spine of any man … single or not. Your typical SBM will come across them every once in awhile … but if your in a relationship (or even worst married) … may God have mercy on your soul and may you heed my advice.
I’m talking about those “set-up” questions … the ones that your forced to answer … but can never answer right.
I’m talking about … “Does this make me look fat?” … type of questions.
*brrrggghhh* … I’m shivering just thinking about it
Some that come to mind:
– Does this make me look fat?
– Have I gained weight?
– Does this look good on me?
– What exactly do you mean by that?
– What exactly are you apologizing about?
– What did you just say?
– Do you think (insert some woman’s name) is attractive?
– Do you like big butts (asked by Ms. Gluteus Minimus herself)?
– So … you like big breasts (as she puts on her a-cup bra)?
Why are we subjected to such torture? Why is it that not answering is not a valid answer? Why is it telling the truth (if negative) makes us an asshole? Why is it that lies are called out? WHY?!?!?!
*break* … story time … based off of someone calling into the radio
Marcus: “Baby … you ready to go”
Kiesha: “Have I put on weight since you met me? Have I gotten fat?”
M: *quickly thinks about the chin that has joined the relationship* “Sweetheart … you look sexy. I love your body.”
K: “You didn’t answer my question!”
M: “What do you mean? Honey … you look great.”
K: *sounding slightly irritated* “I asked you if I gained weight.”
M: “Baby, you don’t need to ask me that question. Just go try on some of those jeans you had on when I met you.”
K: *silence … then the oh so slow turn with “the face” (you know what the f* I’m talking about)* “You know what …”
It’s clear to say … Marcus and Keisha were late … and Marcus went to sleep with dry balls.
Why did Keisha ask the question? And why is it that when Marcus came up with a very good (props) answer that reaffirmed her beauty … she still pressed the question? Why was Marcus punished for eventually being honest (dry balls is punishment!)?
Whether your dating someone, in a committed relationship, or married with kids … your going to get these questions. Its a phenomenon as old as time, and has managed to confuse, confound, and aggravate more men than Beyonce’s “Put a Ring on it” (f*ing hate that song).
My question is to the woman though … Why do you to it to us? Why do you do it to yourselves?
It’s become apparent that the truth isn’t the right answer. It’s obvious that not answering doesn’t work. We just saw that avoiding the question with a compliment doesn’t help (that one shocked me … I coulda swore he was in the clear as I was listening). Lies are the best option … but why the hell would you ask a question you want to be lied to about?
Women … I know your out there … help us … please?
SBM aka “I said you looked good already … damn” aka I plead the “fif”