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Baby, I’m Gonna Hang with My Former S*x Buddy…

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**I (Slim) will be doing a Ustream this evening (Tuesday) at 9pm EST. Here’s the link to where it’ll be going down. Basement. Check me out live.**

The following takes place on a random cost-effective Friday night between a long-standing couple that’s sitting on the couch and eating turkey sandwiches.

Bertha: **Chewing on sandwich** Oh, I meant to tell you that one of my friends is in town. We’re going out tomorrow to grab some food and chill out for a bit.
Leroy: **Also chewing on sandwich** So much for our budget plan right? **Laughs**
Bertha: Oh, he said he’ll treat.
Leroy: **Stops chewing on sandwich and puts it down on paper plate** Wait, who is “he” and why is “he treating?”
Bertha: I told you he’s a friend of mine. We go way back. His name is Mr. Marcus.
Leroy: **Chokes and coughs** Wait, is this that negro that’s always joking around on your FB wall about hanging out and saying he owes you one?
Bertha: **Sips grape soda** Didn’t know you watched my profile that closely, but yes and that’s what the joke has been about.
Leroy: If I recall, weren’t y’all messing around for a while before we got serious?
Bertha: Yeah, but that was like a year and a half ago. What’s the big deal? Me and you were just friends then.
Leroy: Yeah, I know we were friends, but I remember being at dinner with you and a few mutual acquaintances. You were definitely talking about how he touched 360 degrees of walls on every stroke, and how he gave it to you until you cried tears of joy.
Bertha: I mean…that was then and this is now.
Leroy: **Kicks puppy and stands up** Hell naw! Ain’t no way in hell that negro is treating you to anything!
Bertha: **Sigh** It’s really not that serious. That insecurity really isn’t s*xy boo.
Leroy: Insecure? Would I be standing here naked if I was insecure? Take this! **Winds up hips and slaps her across right cheek with his flaccid piece** You ain’t going out with Marcus tomorrow. Eff that sh*t.
Bertha: Okay, sorry boo. I’ll stay home.
Leroy: **Presses the easy button**

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Only if it were that easy...

Now this is a situation that many of us have probably faced along the way…sans sitting on the couch naked and eating sandwiches. Then again, I’m sure a good number of us have done that but I digress. We all have pasts that include things that we’re proud of and things that we’re not so proud of but will claim to be proud of in order to get save face. Most of us don’t go around burning bridges as soon as a relationship or friends-with-benefits agreement expires. Some of us turn those who quenched our most carnal needs into good friends or best friends for life. I’m sure the percentage of fiancees that invite old flames to their weddings is higher than people think. I can only hope that I don’t hear voices giggling on the day that I take the plunge into eternal despair willingly.

Weddings aside though, I’ve maintained a few decent non-sexual relationships with women from my past. Most of the former “acquaintances” are a distant memory with a good number of their names forgotten. It’s very rare that I’d be in a situation where I’d be telling a booski that I’m bout to go hang with someone I used to inject. Now of course I wouldn’t outwardly say that I used to mess with the chick, but we all know it’s obvious that the two of you have been at the pokey table before. And if I notice something that appears obvious between Ms. Cuddles and some dude, I’m putting my sandwich foot down and putting the kabash on that ish. No questions!

See Also:  Rantings of An SBM

There is a large grey area when dealing with your boo’s former boos and, in my case as a man, former love pocket poachers. I’m all about open dialogue, trust, and boundaries. But honestly, where do you draw the line? When you’re friends with a former booty contractor, at what point do you respect your significant other’s opinion or requests that you not associate with that person or be out and about engaging in a day of social activities even if y’all are past the aerobics? As a man, I don’t trust any other…especially if he’s known as the human Ambien medication. All that negro needs to say is “You remember that time when…” and the conversation’s already in a bad place because she said yeah, giggled, and reflected.

So what do you think? Where do you draw the line when it comes to your significant other hanging with or regularly chatting with someone that they used to pleasure? Is it all water under the bridge or is it still too wet? Do you have any particular rules or understandings when it comes to this stuff? Do you always trust people to make the right decision? Anybody? Bueller?

Baby, I’ma need you to cancel that lunch,

Comment(87)

  1. HELL TO THE NAW. Flatout. Honestly, if you have an ex jumpoff that wants to just "hang out" now and you care to oblige the person, then you shouldn't be in a relationship. Rearview mirrors are not included in this jag.

  2. I'm not talking to one of my ex sperm dumpsters unless I plan on turning back the backshots of time. The moment you start joking and reminiscing it's OVER because you and that person have that almighty "sex bond". You start to think dumb ish that makes no sense in the real world like "i already hit… so it's not really cheating– right" old cooch or new cooch, it all counts as cheating. Facebook, aim, or skyping with that old jump off is disrespectful to the person you're with.

    1. "I’m not talking to one of my ex sperm dumpsters unless I plan on turning back the backshots of time."

      You killed me dead with that line.

  3. Well I am friends with ALL of my exes. I pride myself in NEVER even having the desire to dip back. Don't get me wrong we aren't hanging on the regular basis or conversing daily. However there are times we check on each other and that may include lunch, dinner, etc. In more than one case I have became friends with their current mates.I recently had an ex put breaks on my car, I have another ex BBQing for me, and I still spend a lot of time with my exes son. I believe it takes very mature people to develop these type of relationships.

    P.S. I am not a fool I do realize the men will gladly give it a go if I would. I'M NOT INTERESTED!

      1. @ Streetz, that's what I was thinking.

        But hey, don't knock the playette… I ain't mad atcha… maybe a lil jealous, in fact….

  4. Lol @ "kicks dog and stand up." When I ended (had to) it with an old FWB let me know that we should still be friends but I should be aware that he cant control himself (this is why he's still single). I know damn well we are not going to work out as just friends. Moving forward includes moving on. I also know that a very present physical reminder of your past what you already know mentally has the possibility of causing problems in your current relationship. My answer? *channels sophia's voice from the color purple on broadway* hellllllllll no…HELL NO!

  5. I'm still stuck on: Leroy: Insecure? Would I be standing here naked if I was insecure? Take this! **Winds up hips and slaps her across right cheek with his flaccid piece** You ain’t going out with Marcus tomorrow. Eff that sh*t.

    Bertha: Okay, sorry boo. I’ll stay home.

    Leroy: **Presses the easy button**

    OK, I have SUCH a visual right now that I can't even get the rest of my thoughts out because I'm laughing too hard.

    I think that people are going to do what they want to do. If your SO is going to cheat with an old flame they're going to cheat.

    I know my husband had an old flame that kept popping up at all of these events and it probably wouldn't have bothered me except that I knew full well that he took her virginity back in the day. This was back when everyone was getting married — like every few months there was a wedding, and there was one that I missed because I was pregnant with my oldest son and due any day.

    Anyway word got back to me that she followed him into the men's room and offered to f* him right then and there but he said "No, I really love my wife" (or that's what I was told, for all I know he bent her over and banged her in the bathroom stall).

    She disappeared for a while (got married) but then popped back up after her divorce. I remember one evening he came home and said *(insert name here) needs to talk…I'm like ABOUT WHAT!? He said, "She's having a rough time since her divorce." That's when I turned into Leroy on HIS ass….I said *(insert name here) has a ton of sorors to help her through her divorce, she doesn't need you to hold her hand and take her virginity ONCE AGAIN — f* outta here.

    Hit the Easy Button — OK why am I tight all over again and this was years ago?

    TMI…..I still wonder if they smashed….

    1. This right here….

      Itches have no respect. I had something similar happen a while back. I had a memorial day cook-out and his ex was in town with his daughter visiting. I politely invited her to my house so that my man could spend time with his daughter. She was trying everything to get him away in order for him to be with his daughter as if he couldn’t do that at the cook-out…yeah right.

      OK. She came on to him AT MY HOUSE, but little did she know he told me this and we laughed together that she was trying while AT MY HOUSE (he knew she had no idea of the black belt beat down I could have put on her). I let that bounce and continued to be a great hostess. Now later that night his phone KEPT going off, so I must off read the text by mistake (intuition) nevertheless, he was already tucked snuggly in bed knocked out cold from the bbq and wonder woman special I put on him that night…

      I kindly advised her that I will see her if she continues to disrespect me and she started telling me how it should have been her with a ring on blah blah blah….I said you’s a dumb trick….if he wanted you, you had every chance before I came in the picture. Oh, but my bad, you were just a piece of…..be a woman and recognize it for what it was. Besides, his 151 days are behind him.

      1. Wow to both of these insidious offenses. Just wow. *smfh* (no, not "somebody's mother failed horribly" *side eye to Shakeisha*)

  6. Naw player…this is a no-no. Screw someone saying insecurity has anything to do with it. That’s nothing but a pimp at work.

    There should not be anything done in a relationship that has the potential to cause your mate to NOT TRUST YOU. This one situation will do just that.

    He should stay a distant memory or at the most catch up on FB. What's meeting in person really all about anyway? HMMMMMM……..

    1. I agree — My FB page is an open book — there is nothing that I do on FB that I am ashamed of, or sneaking around with etc.

      Everyone that I am friends with on FB, I either went to HS with, grew up with or went to college with. So WHY would I want to talk to any of those people?

      When people say they have FB drama, I'm like how does that happen? Seriously?

  7. Take this! **Winds up hips and slaps her across right cheek with his flaccid piece** You ain’t going out with Marcus tomorrow. Eff that sh*t.

    FLATLINED……………….. Time of Expiration — 9:01AM

    I remember this post from awhile back and this part still Slays ME!!! *ToeTags*

    At the end of the day it all simmers down to trusting the person you are with because even if you tell him/her "Oh Hell To The Nawwwww" that doesn't mean they will listen and just for the simple fact your SO told you beforehand should earn him/her some brownie points. *JustSayin*

  8. Mari wrote: Moving forward includes moving on.

    _____________________

    Good to see there is at least one female that knows how to keep a man.

  9. The guy I'm seeing has told me in his past he's slept with exes so no, I would not be okay with it if he all of a sudden told me he was going out with an ex of his.

    On the flipside, there's only one ex of mine, he should be concerned with, but the others are no threat at all.

  10. Sadly I have done this alot. I am not big on letting any friends go if they were real friends (cutty or no cutty). This has caused some friction before. Usually I just make sure its known I am going out in a group and will NEVER be alone with them.

    Now as far as exes go thats different. I think their is a little bit of Ego on both the male and female side that comes out when you see a former lover with someone else. I have had situations where a past fling has tried to use the goods to lure me out of my current relationship and back to her.

    1. "I have had situations where a past fling has tried to use the goods to lure me out of my current relationship and back to her."

      SMDH. What did you do?

    2. If I were your girl I'd have to ask were you friends prior to the cutty (and no I'm not talking about that month before she let you hit)? To me, that makes all the difference in world.

      If not, your 'friendship' or relationship was built upon mutual romantic adoration… and for the most part that's what it will always be. That is a problem if you want to hang together.

      Now, had you been friends since the 3rd grade and you smashed prom night, eh. I'm willing to let that one go b/c your foundation is something other than romantic lust/love.

    3. Man you and me are a lot alike. I don't get rid of friendships unless I have to. And like you if I'm going out with females, known and unknown, I make sure to say that its a group and not lie about it(even though my it doesn't matter to my fiance. I can know one female there and she makes it out like we are on a date; another story another time)

      Now exes…not going to put myself in that situation. Although there is really only 1 ex I'd bang out again if the drunken memory erased opportunity presented itself.

      The funny thing is my fiance talk to her ex more than I talk to any of mine, yet she has problems with me talking to females at times.

      Maybe I'm too understanding…

    4. I am not big on letting any friends go if they were real friends (cutty or no cutty).

      I USED to think that like. Then I realized that I can just find more friends…

  11. Hmmm…

    I am very trusting, some would say naive even or maybe it's an arrogance, hmph. So my first reaction to my boobookins saying that they were going to hang w/ an ex is indifference. He knows whats at home & he ended their relationship so what's the big deal? However, had he been 'dumped' by this person or I still felt like there was a flame smoldering in the back then I'd have to voice my concern. Perhaps I would wonder why the need to hang w/ them alone… I do know that social circles cross so it is very plausible that an ex could be at a group function but that's a different situation.

    – I hate this post for making me think. –

  12. I've had exes ask me "how can you not be friends with your ex, you are immature" …..they have found out…only exes I am in contact with is my daughter's mothers

      1. funny thing is they all try to keep up with my life and what i'm doing through….?.you guessed it Momdukes….she can entertain that ish if she likes…..iDon't….now who's immature?

  13. I elect not to be a trainwreck today. I'll be civil. This is going to sound very Most'ish.

    Relationships are about the doors you choose to open up. No one says you have to walk through those doors, but you should evaluate which doors you choose to open and let stay ajar. The higher level of this argument is maintaining friendships with those of the opposite sex, and in the 21st century for some, those of the same sex. You may have no interest in walking through that door and cheating but the door is open.

    So when you evaluate whether you should kick it with your former cut buddy, keep that in mind. There's a very good chance that you've moved on from that situation, but is it truly beneficial to your relationship that the door be left open? Are you showing your significant other the respect that he deserves when you leave that door open? Probably not.

    Sooner or later people have to realize that you cannot just do whatever you want when you're in a relationship. Mature inidividuals can remain cordial and in the same network as a former cut buddy, but they are not making any attempts to chill with them. Especially not one-on-one! And if you should so happen to know that one will be at an event of a mutual friend, most gentlemen know, (note I said gentlemen, it means something, not just that you have a p*nis), most gentlemen know:

    (1) If possible, bring your current significant other

    (2) If not, do not drink excessively

    (3) Leave after you've connect with the host and established that you have supported for the cause, there is no reason to fraternize all night. You will not close the club down, you will not be one of the last to leave.

    (4) Conversation with former cut buddy should be limited to cordiality, never happen one on one, and any reference to past situations whether by you two or others, should be met with an awkward silence and expulsion of contact for the rest of the night.

    1. Dr. J,

      Very homogenous response coming from you! I concur! I agree it is all about being a gentleman, maturity and knowing your boundaries.

      The example I listed in my post happened 17 years ago — sometimes I have to dig into my archives to relate to certain posts, but I will say that through the years, if an ex-is present (at a reunion function or whatever) everyone is cordial and keeps it moving.

    2. Dr. J: "(1) If possible, bring your current significant other"

      This. It's probably the best way to let ole' girl know the past is the past and nothing is going down. There are the aggressive types that don't care and will still try to get at you, but simply having the SO there will cut down on a lot of the foolishness.

      "Insecure? Would I be standing here naked if I was insecure? Take this! **Winds up hips and slaps her across right cheek with his flaccid piece**

      Yeah, I had to do that a few times to keep the lady in line.

      1. Yup, that's how it would go for me…

        Sir TryingToGetBackIntoThemJeans: Hey, you wanna get a bite to eat on Friday? My girl left me…I just need to talk to someone and get my dick wet and just miss you; you always knew just what to say to make me feel better. My treat.

        Me: Sure! Sounds great. And of course your treat fool, therapy isn't free. My Boo really likes Aurthur Bryant's let's meet there, he said he wanted to meet you so that he could laugh in your face anyway. How's 6?

        Sir TTGBITJ: *crickets and befuddlement*

        Oh you thought this was a date!?!? Maaaaaan, when you see me in the streets, remember you don't KNOW me!

        Also, perfectly executed d!ck slap.

        1. That's pretty much what happens when you let them know you're off the market. That goes back to what Dr. J said about leaving doors open.

          If you (leave your house door open/act friendly with the ex), you can't be too upset if (a thief/Sir TTGBITJ) walks in and helps himself. It may be wrong on his part, but you enticed him.

          If you lock the doors and the thief forces his way in, that's on him. And if (the thief knows the homeowner is packing heat/your man is with you), they are far more likely to go after an easier target.

    3. Very well said. Question about the one in one that should never happen. Do you mean something as simple as sitting with someone at a bar that you see at an event with no one else around, or the danger zone of hanging out with someone late at their spot alone? There's

  14. LOL @ "Mr. Marcus" and "kicks the puppy"

    This was a good read. I often find myself in similar situations. However, as time has passed I've come to realize that if my man is normally very secure and something like this is bothering him to the point that he's 'trippin' out, I'll just not hang out with the former boy toy and would expect the same respect in return. 🙂 Plain and simple.

        1. I say leave them all behind. The title does not matter because once the panties and boxers come off, a title is the last thing thought about.

  15. Ill definitey exchange pleasantries, Facebook messages, etc with them. Definitely wouldn't a woman pay for my meal though. I think it also depends if you're married or not – there is a trust factor that exists, but for some people its about respect whether you trust that person or not.

    1. I think for me, it's a combination of trust and respect. If I know her history with the guy and that his specific purpose was to massage her walls and she still decides to go hang out with him, I'ma feel kinda disrespected. That's when the rage comes in.lol.

    2. Ditto.

      IMO, it is best to stay out of any situation that may cause temptation. Sometimes saying NO is hard to do, very hard…but you should have stayed away in the first place.

  16. reefinyateef wrote: its about respect whether you trust that person or not.

    ______________________________

    **In Jewish Eddie Murphy voice** Aaa Haa! Aaa Haa!

  17. I still speak to some dudes from my past but it would cease if i were to be in a relationship, except for one but if my man wants me to cut that communication, i would. I wouldn't be bothered if my man talked to his ex unless she tries to sabotage…then we will have a problem.

    Good post, the scenario was hilarious!

  18. Ah hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa ahhhh hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha aaaahhhahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *wipes tears away from face* Oh my gosh that was the funniest thing I've read in since forever and a day!

    "As a man, I don’t trust any other…especially if he’s known as the human Ambien medication" ah yes… the sleeping pill… I need one of those 😉

    But I have sometimes a male mentality as well, so unless I know for a fact that it's never gonna go there with him, I will never get rid of my back pocket cards, I'll keep them there, warm and toasty until I need to be warmed and tosted haha… once I am in a serious relationship tho, I'll cut all ties, even if Casanova the Pipe Layer is the best layer ever, tear, I'll let him know that it's been a good time running, but I got something "better" and end all…

    Good post.

  19. The responses in this thread…..ROFL….this is why half of all marriages end in divorce. Lack of common sense.

    Yes dear…this is the guy that used to bang me out three times a night. But don't worry about me hanging out with him. I'm mature. ROFL

    1. Right….and although he/she knows of you, they still didn't invite you…but I consider you very mature and secure even though inside I know you are dying….

      LOL! People slay me….

  20. Great post Slim!

    I'm friends with ALL my exes, some s*x buddies, etc., but I try to keep contact with them limited out of respect for an SO.

    I had an ex-SO text me and want to hang out. I happened to be at my then-BF's house and I told him I couldn't.

    I've also had a current SO take me to an ex-SO's place for a Super Bowl party. He said they were friends. When I got there, after about 10 minutes of seeing them interact, I knew he had smashed. I asked him about it and he confirmed it. I was generally ok with it because she had a BF and we usually hung out in groups. I did feel some kind of way on occasion though, if he went to help her with something or other.

    "All that negro needs to say is “You remember that time when…” and the conversations’s already in a bad place because she said yeah, giggled, and reflected."

    ^^THIS is spot on! I've had a few convos start out like that and it's downhill VERY quickly.

  21. Dave Hollister….911 Version with D. Floyd and Rah Rah

    It's so funny running into you

    It has to be three years

    Since we last seen each other

    Many flashbacks come to mind

    Of the wild and crazy times

    We used to have with one another

    We absolutely didn't care

    We would do it anywhere

    Eye contact, and it was over

    But that's when I was wilding out

    I couldn't care less about

    Someone getting hurt

    I've done my share of dirt

    But I done wised up

    Seeing you reminds me of

    All the nights I used to beat it up

    I would do it again, but I can't

    'cause everything is different now

    I finally have settled down

    And became a one woman man

    Ooh

    There were many others after you

    Quite a few one night stands

    Some of their names I can't remember

    Imagine waking up to someone new

    You barely even knew

    Time and time again

    [ Dave Hollister Lyrics are found on http://www.getlyrics.com ]

    But there's someone for everyone

    I've been blessed to find that one

    Who makes me feel like no other

    You are looking good as hell

    But I can't go home with you

    Because I'm going home to her

    Seeing you reminds me of

    All the nights I used to beat it up

    I would do it again, but I can't

    'cause everything is different now

    I finally have settled down

    And became a one woman man

    Long gone, are the days

    When I ran the streets

    Trying to get laid

    Ooh, and now

    (See now that I found the love of my life)

    (I don't have to trick no more)

    Girl, it was nice seeing you

    But I gotta go home to my baby

    Seeing you reminds me of

    All the nights I used to beat it up

    I would do it again, but I can't

    'cause everything is different now

    I finally have settled down

    And became a one woman man

    1. I feel quite uncomfortable with you posting on this blog an R&B song… I feel like that was for possibly Max or any of the women who comment on our blog, but it was in no way, hopefully, directed at the author of the post we are commenting about.

      In the words of the great Gus Johnson, "Pause."

    2. Having a Moment Right About Now…… *shakeshead*

      Damn I used to love this song.

      #SetsBBmemo2DownloadSongfromAres

      Good Looking Out! 🙂

      1. GirlSixx wrote: Damn I used to love this song.

        ______________________

        Das why I had to post it. Beef mentioned it. The lyrics speak directly to this whole topic………and the joint jams everytime I hear it. The lyrics are so ridiculously real. Sheakesphere couldn't have wrote a better song. LOL

  22. No, he can't hang out with his former FWB, or ex-gf. Actually, If I don't know and have met his female friends, there will be no hanging without me being present. Its not that I don't trust my SO, I just don't trust b*tches. I wouldn't go out alone with an ex or former buddy or close male friend who knocked it out the park, and I would expect the same consideration and respect.

    1. "Its not that I don’t trust my SO, I just don’t trust b*tches."

      Everytime I hear this or something I just smh and laugh because its straight bull. If you trust your SO that should be the end of it. No one should be able to change that but him. Let other people test your relationship all they want. If he is put in the situation and you trust him you shouldn't be worried right?

      1. I trust him because he is in the relationship. That won't stop women from attempting to do dumb sh*t. Check out Beef Bacon and RedLady(I think) comments. People outside of your relationship don't owe you anything. If some other man wanted your fiance, you trusting your fiance has nothing to do with him pressing her. Personally, I would rather not be around men who can't take "no, I'm in a relationship" for an answer. And I don't want my man around those type of females either. And this includes former FWBs, exes, and current friends who tried to get with you before your current relationship.

        1. @ Animate

          Why risk the drama though? Is it really worth your SO having ill feelings? Trust and respect has little to do with the fact that there are just some things that should not be done. What is the point in catching up with any old flame in the first place, I never understood this? How long does it really take to catch up? That is a two minute conversation, not a dinner date!

          People are not taking the time to meet just for GP? Now THAT is BS! Maybe they heard something in the SO voice that may have implied they still have a chance at hitting it.

        2. @Beef Bacon

          I'm not saying they should be all gung ho about not having a problem with their SO meeting with an ex because I wouldn't be. I was focusing on that trust statement. I understand not wanting those type of people around but there is only so much you can control and I don't worry about it.

          I guess with guys we are used to our girl being hit on by someone so we are used to females knowing how to tell a dude no, even those that "don't take no for an answer".

          Now women…some don't know how to take no for real.

  23. You know what most animals in nature do when they see a rival……..they kill the rival. ROFL. They don't have discussions about insecurity and maturity.

  24. I was going to wait until I got home before commenting, but eh.

    I have the ability to sit with an ex who is in a current relationship and even discuss a couple of things we went through, should it be relevant to the topic at hand. Even if there is a moment of reminiscence, I will not disrespect his relationship in any way. I don't feel as though I'm the only person able to maintain boundaries, so I cannot say that my significant other is under no circumstances to meet with an ex with whom he is still cordial to grab a bite or generally hang out. Slim did mention something that's key, though – the other party's intentions. If I'm aware that dude is trying to get at me, I will not disrespect my partner by meeting with him solo or even maintaining regular contact. I would expect the same in return.

    Crap, gotta get back to work. To be continued.

  25. All I can think about is Mya's "Case of the ex"

    "Cause y'all didn't have no kids

    Didn't share no mutual friends"

    If its not your baby momma I just dont understand why you still have contact with her. lol!

  26. I mean….

    I always laugh when women say they can hang with their exes no problems, but their bfs cant because "men cant control themselves" thats BS.

    I think it all depends on the context of the relationship you had.. If you had a freind that you smashed but thats where it stopped, I dont see a threat… If you were smashin a friend that for whatever reason yall didnt make it ofish, but you knew one of yall or oth of yall was with it… thats a nogo

    If the ex was on some Seinfeld and Elaine tip, thats uinderstandable, if its Rachel and Ross, a definite no go.

    If you dont understand my pop culture references, eff you, lol

    1. I always laugh when women say they can hang with their exes no problems, but their bfs cant because “men cant control themselves” thats BS.

      True dat.

      Moreover, women, in general, will always put out the "oh, he's JUST a friend. Nothing more." My follow-up question is always: "Well, does HE knows that he's just a friend?" If a woman haven't made it explicitly clear she's not interested, then a guy still has a chance->period.

  27. I've been a long time reader and usually just lurk but today I got some courage to finally put a comment in.

    And I have to say….

    Maybe I am super progressive or just naive but I see no problem with somone I'm seeing having lunch with an ex or vice versa. I have done this a few times in the past with old flames because I have maintained friendships with all my exes. I don't see it as disrespect to my current s/o by talking/hanging with them. I don't cross the platonic boundary and I trust my s/o to do the same.

    That was the past, this is the present. Being an ex does not automatically mean there are still residual feelings there.

    With that said….. this is not something everyone can handle. This is where discernment and honesty comes into play…. we all know people from the past that if left alone for more than 7 minutes clothes would be off in 2.5 seconds.

    1. Welcome to mix. I feel like I've see your name before though.

      I think we really need to draw a distinction between people we used to be in a relationship with and people we used to just roll around in the sheets with. I really think that changes things.

      1. You're right, it does.

        I do not believe that real friends can regularly have sexual relations without at least one party developing some form of attachment and it progressing to a point where it's more than F-buddies, but less than bf/gf – essentially, an FWB situation. Also, on the odd occasion, f-buddies forge a deeper bond & something of a friendship that can be maintained post- coital relations. For the purposes of this post, we can classify these two groups as "exes". Now, if we're talking strictly cut-buddies, then there is no valid reason why the two individuals should be in touch and getting together for drinks et al. if one is in a relationship.

        Re: Respect. I am big on showing a partner the respect that he deserves. Shoot, when I was all naive & wide-eyed (read: crazy), I administered a self-imposed ban on self-love because I felt it was almost as though I were saying he wasn't handling bidness. Relationships, however, are based on compromise. If I was once affectionate with someone but was successfully able to maintain a non-intimate relationship with him prior to a current romance, I see no reason why my boo should be concerned. Nonetheless, I wouldn't make a point of carrying on regular conversations and scheduling rendez-vous every 3rd week of the month. But if he is against me seeing homeboy…my friend…ever for the entire duration of the relationship, then we may have a problem. People do throw the term insecure around a tad too much, but if I've been able to go for 6+ months without doing anything while single and he's worried that I may just change my mind and go for it, then I'd feel as though he's either insecure or doesn't trust me..or both. There isn't room enough in my mind and heart for more than 1 man, and I'm generally not one to take intimacy lightly. I would hope that anyone I commit myself to would know at least that much about me.

        lol, let me not mess around before SBM places me on a character limit. J'ai fini for now.

  28. Maybe it's a paradox. You should be able to do it….and….it is disrespectful. You are both wrong and right for maintaining these relationships.

    In which case your best bet is the Clair Huxtable. I recently saw a rerun where she went to Hillman for career day and had lunch with a dude that used to like her. She was smart…..she didn't tell Cliff about the lunch.

    1. It's only lying if you are asked about it.

      Withholding information is not lying thankfully. I find it better to just leave stuff out so people's minds won't run rampant with all of the possibilities. Keeps the home happy.

        1. Your S/O: I saw one of my ex lova's yesterday, he still stupid…*giggles.

          You: Um huh? Why you say that?

          You S/O: Oh nothing really, I just see he hasn't changed much (especially since he smacked me on my arse seconds after hugging me 5 seconds too long, kissed me on neck and kept asking if you hit it like he did)

          But at as long as you don't know these things…it's ok…right?

        2. [Your S/O: I saw one of my ex lova’s yesterday, he still stupid…*giggles.

          You: Um huh? Why you say that?

          You S/O: Oh nothing really, I just see he hasn’t changed much (especially since he smacked me on my arse seconds after hugging me 5 seconds too long, kissed me on neck and kept asking if you hit it like he did)

          But at as long as you don’t know these things…it’s ok…right?]

          Leave it to Beef!!!!! *Smhlh*

          These type of scenarios happens often though that is why I say TRUST needs to be heavily cemented in your SO to know they will handle this type of situation and not let it get out of hand if he/she values the relationship.

        3. Thank you. Based on that logic, cheating is only cheating if one is questioned about it or found out. The only thing worse than with hanging out with x (if it's a sore issue) is not letting boo know that it happened. Transparency is key.

        4. @Beef

          Lies of omission never really sat right with me and people always turn to a worst case scenario when trying to use them.

          I was specifically referring to what I replied to.

          @Naija

          No, by my logic cheating is cheating. Its a direct act. Lying on the other hand is questionable. If I say I'm going out and I do but tell no specifics I'm not lying about what I did or didn't do. If I cheat…I cheat whether I'm questioned or not.

          I agree that transparency is key though. I'm not saying I would do these things (see my comments earlier). I just realize that it really depends on the relationship with your SO and the one you have with your ex.

        5. @ Animate: It's a matter of perspective, though. In the lie of omission, an action was taken as well: that of going to see party x. Whether or not you mention it, it was done. Most people would probably consider going behind one's partner's back and doing something wrong, and that's exactly what that would be.

          But I do agree some things depend on the parties involved.

  29. maaaaaaad late

    but it think it would depend on how deep their friendship was and what kind of guy and girl they are. I have a guy friend who I slept with and while we're not cool enough to chat all the time, I would certainly go out to dinner/lunch with him but we're done as far as chex goes. We also have a lot of friends in common so yes we would be seeing each other a lot. I would hope that my man gave me the benefit of the doubt as I would give him.

  30. If you play in the mud, you're gonna get dirty………. the whole scenerio sounds really muddy. If your significant other is significant to you, volunteer, join a club, go to church meet new people get new friends.

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