Look, I'm not that into you. I think we should just be friends -- and would you mind paying for the fillet mignon you just sucked down without chewing?
Maxfab wrote a blog on here called Being Cruel to be Kind where she recommended a three part system for how men, for the greater good, should in some cases be cruel to women in order for said women to move on with their lives. Max your heart was in the right place but it aint gonan happen, buddy.
On that blog a commenter said:
QueenT: Noble idea Max…and I wish they would take heed but they won’t. Men are very non-confrontational creatures. They hate to see women cry and sad. They would rather chuck the deuces and leave us billowing in the wind..its a purely selfish way of behaving but its what they do…..women have to just learn not expect any closure and just move on.
QueenT is correct. This isn’t to say Max is incorrect, it’s just that men don’t follow Max’s advice, even if they should. The reason men don’t bother properly breaking up or communicating with women is because men do not feel like dealing women’s emotions unless they have to. Fortunately, I have the Internet and this here Norton Antivirus protector to protect me from those of you I just upset.
When it comes to women – as QueenT accurately pointed out – men are non-confrontational creatures. No man wants to see a woman cry or scream. A crazy screaming woman is every man’s fear. A crying woman is every man’s kryptonite. Seriously, if you have ever cried in front of a man and he didn’t at least flinch like he was about to hold you? LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE! He is a serial killer!
Since men are emotionally handicapped creatures we cannot invest our limited emotions in every woman we deal with. Honestly, men try to prevent becoming emotionally attached to any woman, ever. A man has to be really, really, reallllllly into you to even consider, let alone become emotionally invested. Men are logically calculating. Therefore, he is not going to take the time to try to make you understand why he is not interested when it’s easier to walk away and not have to deal with the possibility that you might become emotional. It is not worth it.
Let me give some context. As a man, you know that if you encounter another man both of you have a breaking point. A ‘breaking point’ is the point where something is said and/or done where you or he hauls off and punches the other man in the face. Hopefully, knocking him out, which is why I’m a firm believer in sucker punching. I’m too pretty to be getting hit all up in my facial region during fisticuffs – and I got a 9 to 5 mannn.
This unspoken understanding creates an inherent buffer to every interaction men have with one another because at any given point they may very well get punched in the face if they habitutually line step. However, unless you’re Chris Brown, you can’t hit a woman no matter how upset she makes you. Even if she strikes you first people still expect you not to hit her back. *blank stare*
Furthermore, women have emotions on lock. Have you ever seen a woman go off on an emotional rant? IT. IS. TERRIFYING. No man wants to deal with that. First, we have no idea how to react because we’re not emotional creatures. It’s like asking us to defuse a bomb while wearing oven mittens. Secondly, with their ninja-like mastery of emotion, women will say and/or do stuff simply to invoke an emotional reaction from their advisary. As a result, most men correctly figure it is easier to avoid this situation completely.
In closing, men are honest with women they love, tell the truth to women they don’t care about and avoid the women who fall in the middle. You may disagree so I’ll turn it over for discussion.
Fellas, do you feel you are obligated to the women in your life to attempt to give them some type of closure even if it may involve, dare I say, emotions? Ladies, what do you expect from men? Can you handle the truth? Is it easier to imagine he got hit by a bus and could not reach out to profess his unrequitted love for you before his untimely demise or would you prefer to hear “I’m just not that into you”?
I get the reasoning behind avoiding the confrontation, but… it's still taking the easy way out.
i fux with you Sane, but eff that! we (men) work smarter not harder.
in every other situation situation in life we (people) take the 'path of least resistance' why should it be any different with a woman?
Hey Sane, I agree it is the easy way out.
Anywho, I'm about to rant, which I love to do, and I'm only doing this here because it's near the top and I think everyone should read this…
While not implicitly stated in the blog above (word limits people) it is implied that if a man cares about you he will not put you through any of the emotional drama mentioned above.
However – and I am assuming the man has been honest with you so you have all the facts at your disposal to make a sound and logical decision of your own – if you get caught up in a relationship with an "immature" man, then what does that say about you? You chose him. Are you, by way of your choices, immature too?
Also, once you become aware of his immaturity, why are you trying or continuing to deal with him anyway? Why would you even want him to communicate with you? He. is. immature. lol Seems like you lucked out! Why would you need closure?
Another point: If a man takes the route discussed above and does not bother communicating, as I stated, he has determined It is not worth it. If you have over valued your self worth to him, again, that seems to fall back on you (unless he lied to you). Chances are he probably did not nor did he need to. I think Dr. Jay's last two blog posts are indicative of the over-reachy-ness some women apply to their "relationships."
So, what I'm sayin isssss, take some credit too. Men (and people) don't owe you anything. Even the truth, while desired, is not guaranteed.
I agree. IMO – people (cuz men do it too, believe me) fall apart because they don't know their worth and they are looking for someone to give them their value. They want the person who is exiting the relationship to have the "break-up convo". At least then they can say, well at least he/she cared enough to tell me. It's not about what someone thinks about you, it's what you think about yourself.
Man, I really wish I had more time to be on here today, but let me get this out of my system to both WIM and Carter.
Again, I 100% see WHY a man would behave in this manner. So much so, that I have done the disappearing act twice in the past in what would have seemed like a budding relationship to the guys. Both of them clearly liked me a lot more than I liked them, and I knew that I wasn't looking to move forward with either. Instead of pulling on my big girl pants, I just ended all communication. If it weren't for social networking sites, both would probably think I was dead (that's how many signs I gave them). I was 18 and 22 respectively and I still feel terrible guilt when I think about either. I have made it a point to not be this immature when dealing with men since then, and if we have more than 2 conversations and I'm not interested after that, I will tell you. People may not OWE you respect, but I feel that you owe it to others and what I did was shady at best even if I was taking the path of least resistance. This behavior just leaves the other person wondering why, what went wrong, was it their fault, etc. and is just cruel. I also believe that if this "relationship" was on a physical level, you owe them at least some sort of explanation, especially because sex is typically tied to emotion with women.
As for being involved with someone who is that immature, it can happen to anyone. The same can be said about the guy who is dealing with a woman who can't be broken up with without resulting to one of her Cybil personalities. Also, I don't believe that a person who is completely defined by a limited number of actions/choices they make. I know that even at 22, I had dealt with more life than most people could in 2 lifetimes and that immaturity wasn't a regular personality trait for me. However, I did make immature decisions. Sue me, I'm human. I also believe that most of the men reading this site are probably among the cream of the crop when it comes to BM and a lot of you well into your 20's or older are cosigning on this behavior.
So, if most men are still considering this ish normal behavior, what are the choices for women other than to just "deal with it"? This kind of behavior can leave a trail of bitter women (and men) in its wake. Not to mention it does nothing to help the dumpee know the issue(s), and will likely not result in them doing anything to change it to better themselves and their next relationship. It doesn't matter to you now, but it will when that (wo)man is the one you're dating next.
IMO, everyone loses in this sad situations.
So, if most men are still considering this ish normal behavior, what are the choices for women other than to just “deal with it”?
YES!!!! They act like we're picking wack men on purpose! We pick the best we can find and even they think this ish is just par for the course!
Amen on "owing" people explanations. This isn't about them, it's about YOU. My integrity is not dependent on others actions, but solely on my actions. Whether he/she "deserves" it or not; I still behave as I would want to be treated or how I would tell my children to handle it. #WWJD, Yeah, I just said that.
Live your integrity.
@SaneN85 & @Starita34: Ok, let me use a metaphor. I kind of feel like yall are saying if you go onto a football field without a helmet it's the other players fault if you walk away with a concussion. As if the other players are responsible for informing you how to play the game.
Moving on, in dating, people get hurt. That's the nature of dating. However, although we are all in the same "game" we clearly have different strategies and 'play books.' That's why I think we disagree here and that's fine. I will re-state. The scenario above SHOULD only apply if the man doesn't place you that high in his life. Why you would want (or choose) a man like that is beyond me but I guess it happens. Still, I don't believe he owes you anything, courtesy or not.
So, if most men are still considering this ish normal behavior, what are the choices for women other than to just “deal with it”?
Addressing this point, I could be wrong, but I think you are both reading too much into the "co-signs" below. I think men are simply saying 'yes, that's correct' as in I've done that before, it makes sense, or I know someone who has/is doing that. This is not to imply they are doing it themselves, have done or will do it. Case in point, although I have done this before, I don't do it as much as when I was young and (more) immature. Still, I thought it was a relevant issue, so I wrote it up and I had to summarize all my thoughts in under 750 words. *shrugs*
Cosign like a muh-fugga..
There's plenty of confusion in the world. I try to diffuse as much of that confusion as I possibly can by communicating and expecting the same from women I date. I hate not knowing what the hell is going on when things change unexpectedly.
The type of thinking in this post is the kind of thing that makes people say "(insert opposite gender here) aint sh*t!"
Truth is, if a man doesn't want to deal with emotions from women, he shouldn't get involved with them.
I believe you. I know of several men who I've been told are indeed scared of me, this week.
So yes, I believe you. Just remember that jack@$$ moves like this are still unacceptable and cowardly. And to this I say, "Grow up!"
As a self proclaimed guys girl or homie as some have so aptly phrased it. I have always been one to prefer knowing if he's just not that into me. I don't know about you but I hate wasting time. So why p*ssy foot around the matter if sh*t ain't working out. Maybe i am an anomaly but Its ok if I am not the girl for you. I mean it might suck if I like you but as Jay z said on to the next one.
S
I have not read a better article on SBM of late that really concerns me as a man.
Funny how these issues are the same the world over.(Am from Kenya)
Great post!
from a woman's point of view, or maybe from just my own, I would much rather prefer for my guy to be straight up with me… I get along much better when I can make sense of things & a man saying "hey I'm just not that into you", "I don't want to be in a commited relationship with you" or whatever his reason may be. I can respect his decision & have no other choice but to take the "L" and gracefully move on. It's really not as complicated as the author is making it seem… I've been broken up with before & because he was honest with me about why he felt the relationship wouldn't last, I had nothing but respect for him. We were friends before we dated and are still friends to this day. Men are not scared, they're being cowards if they are simply afraid to communicate that they are ending the relationship. Men have the courage to initiate a relatipnship, but lose their balls when they wish to end it. Sometimes things just don't work out & that's understandable… It's definitely not the end of the world for her just because the guy is no longer interested. Men flatter themselves way too much…
Of course, I have to co-sign this post with a heavy heart…because I wish it weren't like this..but, it is.
On another note, it was very cool to see my comment mentioned in this post…after the week I have been having it made me smile….
Good post WIM! 🙂
men, dealing with emotions won't make your d*ck shrink.
yes I want the truth, but there is ALWAYS a manner in how you deliver the truth. And if you have to deal with emotions while delievering the truth, then so be it. It's part of the truth.
At the tender age of 18, when I thought my life was over after my high school sweetheart and I were over, my father sat me down and said this:
"Men start relationships and women end them"
And for the life of me I had no clue what he meant. He then went on to explain the some of the above mentioned to me as reasons why men do what they do. And like Queen T said, most of it he said I would just have to suck it up and deal with it.
Of course I would have liked to have known the truth in any relationship where it was over. But that is more often than not, NOT going to happen.
Then I realized as I got older, the age of a man can sometimes play a huge role in his relation to a woman. And how he relates to her. Some are more expressive with their communication and some not so much. But as a woman I've learned to just chalk it up to experience. To take what I can from it, and move on.
So NOW it is a must that I deal with men who don't run from confrontation and is able to express himself even if not pleased. To (for lack of better words right now lol) SAY IT WIT'CHA CHEST! So in the beginning at the slightest hint of 'bitch-boy' I'm out. Lol!
But I totally understand the men who don't, and why. And as a woman has learned to just deal with it and move on.
Great post!!!
Smooches,
L to the J
This is funny to me because my father told me the same thing except it was at the tender age of 17. I thought (incorrectly) I had broken up with my girlfriend of about 2 years. My father asked me who broke up with who? When I informed him I broke up with her, he informed me that men don't break up with women and a relationship isn't over until a woman agrees its over.
As usual, I thought the old man was off his rocker again and didn’t know what he was talking about. However, despite the fact that I had "broken up" with her she basically gave my "break up" no credibility. She kept right on sticking around. Before I knew it, we were dating another 3 years…..until she broke up with me.
#FemaleSwindle
And I think more than a few men have "broken up" with a woman and in so many words, if not blatantly, she replied "no we're not." Faced with this conundrum, most men are like "ummm ok" and that's how these psuedorelationships carry out for years and years and years with no real title. In my opinion, if you get caught up in one of these relationships at some point you have to say "what am I doing wrong here" to allow this. You can continue to blame the male species for all of your woes if you want to tho. I'm sure that's very effective……
that happened to me. i broke up with (or thought i did) my girl in college and she told me "i don't accept it. love is a choice and we have chosen to love each other. so no, we're not breaking up"
to which i said "ummmm ok" just like you mentioned earlier
…then she called me the next day like nothing happened. i've never been so afraid in my entire life
but that was my fault b/c i can't communicate, right lady jei? 🙂
Um, I refuse to believe that you let somebody else tell YOU who you were going to be in a relationship with. You mean to tell me I'm over here single because I didnt walk up and tell a man that he was in a relationship with me?? Um, ok. I think what happened is you wanted stability while you ran the streets so you continued to "date" her. And yea, while any ill feelings she had during that relationship were her fault (I'll be damned if I'm gonna be in a "relationship" (or even anything that resembles one) with some dude that doesnt want me), dont try to act like she "forced you into the shit. What, are you 12?
whoa kimosabe, stop fillin in the blanks when u don't have them.
i didn't say i stayed with her, i simply provided the response she gave me when i communicated that i no longer wanted to be in the relationship….and then had the nerve to call me the next day like last night didn't happen.
i just wanted to highlight a personal experience that was mentioned in the comment above because looking back on it, it was funny.
men prepare to break up with a woman like pres. obama prepared for is inauguration speech. i personally was expecting an emotional rant like wisdomismisery mentioned…so to get a "no i don't accept it…" is kind of umm….scary
If you can't manage to handle an adult relationship properly without fearing that you might act like a regular old and start beating up the person you're trying to break up with then you need some serious help, you just make all men look like idiots with your sweeping generalizations. Men who are overly emotional and not smart enough to handle their emotions are violent. Don't blame violent idiots, such as yourself; on the fact that you have a p*nis between your legs. I mean really. Pathetic.
JustTheT –
Look here punka*s, if you come out your mouth with one more racial slur or racist comment, i'm banning you from the site. That's it. We don't have a problem with people disagreeing, but this ain't Perez Hilton and i'm not Toby, your a*s is not above getting kicked out the house.
Now I done edited your last comment, let it happen again and you'll be clicking your own damn red heels, because you ain't gotta go home, but you gotta get the hell up outta here.
[Now I done edited your last comment, let it happen again and you’ll be clicking your own damn red heels, because you ain’t gotta go home, but you gotta get the hell up outta here.]
TIMBERrrrrrr…
*Falls in Grave*
Okay back to reading the blog/comments before I put in my 0.02cents.
All I can hear is "GET TA STEPPPPIN!"
Fuk waiting. Illban the b*tch now… and then have fun with that ip address.
WIKILEAKS AITN GOT SH*T ON ME!
Furthermore, women have emotions on lock. Have you ever seen a woman go off on an emotional rant? IT. IS. TERRIFYING. No man wants to deal with that. First, we have no idea how to react because we’re not emotional creatures. It’s like asking us to defuse a bomb while wearing oven mittens.
Word. life.
#cosign
"Have you ever seen a woman go off on an emotional rant?"
Well here's an idea, what did YOU do to cause that rant? I'll tell you, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE.
Women don't just start on a rant. IMO, women react to an action with regard to men. We tend to feed off of what you give us, or what you don't give us.
We TELL you, I need/want this that and the third. And what happens when after the 3rd time YOU (men) don't do it…..RANT!!.
I am sorry, but this whole men don't know how to deal with it is bull to me. As a grown man, you should know exactly what will send your woman into a tailspin. The fact is, some of you probably dont care, b/c you are too busy just trying to sleep with her, or some other lack of interest. Thus, women react to you actions.
I can all but guarantee every man on this site, give me an example of a rant and I can tell you exactly its because of what YOU did to cause it. Therefore if you don't do those actions, you wouldn't get the rant.
Smooches,
L to the J
i don't know every other man on here, but i think it's safe to say that most of the male population of regular readers/contributors/commentors/lurkers on this blog are above average communicators in general.
there are also lots of successful men who rely primarily on communication to get promotions, get raises, and negotiate multi-million dollar contracts….
so help me understand how our communication has gotten "us" this far in life, but all of a sudden when it comes to women, we "can't communicate"? #gtfoh
in statistics that's known as an outlier, and you don't conform your overall process to an outlier.
"so help me understand how our communication has gotten “us” this far in life, but all of a sudden when it comes to women, we “can’t communicate”? #gtfoh"
MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY! LOL! You have proven my point. You all can do allll of that, but yet can't talk to a woman. Or shall I say, are afraid to talk to a woman….now YOU gtfoh, LMAO!!!!!
(not statistics, logic, lol If A then B)
you know what…you're absolutely right, my bad.
Women don’t just start on a rant. IMO, women react to an action with regard to men. We tend to feed off of what you give us, or what you don’t give us.
Half truth… Women reactions are due to their EMOTIONS. Eff what homie did or didn't do… Eff all the scientific evidence, the uncertainty principle and whatever happened to Schrödinger's cat. It's about how she feels->period. Now say that isn't 200% true.
Women always say men cause their rants and emotional explosions. I dare say it's NOT 100% of the time the man that causes an emotional reaction, shoot MAYBE 60%. And that's just me trying to be nice…
Why can I say that? Women talk without direction, a point or focus then have the nerve to call it communication. basically, here's a glob of emotion that you (woman) couldn't sort through, but me (man) is suppose to deal with. Oh word? Now how is that reasonable?
Also as a guy who don't want to make a woman upset generally, if she is upset due to some disagreement, my first reaction is to actually LISTEN.
Now, women are known for becoming too immersed in their emotions to the point where it distorts their reality. Picture that happening during a conversation and the guy gets swallowed up during the moment. The conversation turns into some real feelings about something that doesn't exist. I kid you not… Now she made up in her mind that he did something to her, homie could end up not even knowing why he's apologizing and second guessing himself. Why? It's called environmental effects… Personally, if someone rants at me and I remotely like them , my first thought is usually: "Hmmm… I must have done something wrong. Let me think…" because I'm just that kind of guy. Now, that doesn't mean I actually did something. I just have the decency to question myself sometimes. On the other hand, you better not tell a woman to question her strong emotions. At the time of the emotional explosion, who is closer to reality? You can't answer that…
I've encountered "grown [wo]men" who don't listen to my explicit mentions of my intentions and what not. They CHOOSE not to listen, then have the nerve I want to blow up later because of whatever constructs they had in their mind… Nah ma… Go home.
Honestly, I don't want to get caught in a emotional explosion. Not because I can't communicate but because that emotional explosion/rant IS NOT communication. Sorry…
I can give you a myriad of reasons why men are scared of women. Well, I don't want her to cry but here are some more important, and Friday ignent reasons….
(1) People always want to know what I mean by f*ck up my own self promotion – Women are fans.. until you piss them off. Men want to say something, but they just be like nah… I ain't gon say something and then she's no longer in my corner.
(2) Men don't ever want a woman to come out their face and call them grimy, or extra regular, or tired .. and tell the whole HOOD. And men know that as much as women say they won't, they are telling the truth but they ain't honest. They won't tell the hood, their friends will tell the hood.
(3) In the fell chance that you need to beat again… that's another reason why men won't ever ever EVER completely rip into a woman. Like look at yesterday's post, Jameson didn't just tell Mary straight up, "Yo, i'm not wifing somebody who beat off 3 of my boys, sorry." Because the next time he tried to hit, she would definitely be throwing that in his face.
(4) My bad but this had to be said, Women take arguments anywhere just to win them. This can lead to you ending up crying because she teases you about that little 20 second mishap… (that probably only occurs after she dry humped you for 20 minutes, then dome'ed you for 30 minutes, then she threw you a backshot and… I mean this never happened to me, so I can't call it, lol.) But at the same time, she might also hit you with the LL Cool J vs. Jamie Foxx.. she might haul off and hit you.
I'm not that scared of women, but I am tactful with my approach because I know that women have some Rita like powers, they can destroy the world or they can make my monster grow.
So basically because:
1. She will no longer ride ya jock (sweat you)
2. Fear of what the fellas in the hood will say about you (like they don't already)
3. The need for you to lower your self-esteem, throw integrity out the window and want to sleep with her again (see my comments from yesterday)
and lastly
4. Getting hit by a woman/or her shoutin out your a minute man
("I’m not that scared of women"
Assuming 'that' is the operative word here…..ummm why are you afraid of a woman at all. )
YOU avoid being able to express exactly what you feel to a woman. YOU can't talk to a woman and be open and honest with her. WOW!!!
Smooches,
L to the J
You're exactly right. Yes you are.
Thank you, lol! Just wanted to be clear
Smooches,
L to the J
#maleswindleFTW
Yo I am really against the "telling the hood" tatic that women use as revenge. I feel like that is a low blow and down right a death sentence for a girl in my eyes.
When I am messing with someone they should have the common decency to keep what goes on between us private. Women think its cool to run tell that to every homeboy once its over. The gossip revenge tactic .. needs to end. Invasion of privacy.
But if you do a woman wrong, why would you expect her to respect your privacy?
This is the argument against these disappearance tactics – leaving a trail of dissatisfied customers behind you is bad PR. You're better off coming up with a spin and selling her on it so she has nothing bad to say about you.
Yo negro Have some kind of effing personal intergrity.
Be the person you said you would be when the man was honest and revealed himself to you. If you are a secret keeper if you are a trust worthy person BE THAT. Don't let someone else's actions change who you are and decay your moral compass. If a wrong done to you is your excuse to act in way that YOU YOURSELF would define as foul than you are a bad person, pathetic, and weak.
You are defined by how to you act in hard times (during fights, in the abscene of your lover, during breaks) not by how you act when everything is peachy.
#noshots.
"You are defined by how to you act in hard times (during fights, in the abscene of your lover, during breaks) not by how you act when everything is peachy."
This same thing can be said to men in situations where they are "blaming" the woman for reading too much into things or thinking there is something there when there isn't. Man up, and do what is right, be honest with her. It can also be applied at 2am when you have no other options but to go back and play with the feelings of the not-that-cute girl just because you need to get off and your hand isn't doing the trick.
my hand does better than yours!
BBM Smiley Face with the tongue sticking out!
I can't believe you people are co-signing gossiping. That is like co-signing snitching. Just remember the person who was vulnerable to you can play the same card. You were also vulnerable to him. Its in everyone else best interest that the trust remains after the love is gone. Should be a man-law.
Trust, my hand will always do better in that situation
*BBM straight face*
Let me clarify, I'm not cosigning snitching at all. I keep my business to myself and prefer that others do as well. I treat others (and their business) exactly how I would like to be treated. I don't spread gossip and I don't believe gossip, and I don't think it is ever right to spread people's business out of spite/vindictiveness. I was just attempting to apply your words to yesterday's post,
since I'm still a little salty over all the cosignage happening yesterday.😛
Cheekz let me put it to you like this. I'm not a secretive person. Everyone knows this. So if you and I become involved and I'm holding down everything that goes on between us, I'm doing it out of respect for you and the way you want to be dealt with. That's just manners and courtesy. I don't like it, but I'm respecting who you are.
But when we get to the end of the road, and you don't show me the manners and the courtesy to tell me you're done, when you don't respect who I am and do something you don't want to do for my sake, then f*ck you. Like I said, I'm not a secretive person so when all is said and done if someone asks me what happened, my personal integrity dictates that I tell them. To not do so would be showing further respect to someone who couldn't be bothered to do the same for me. Why would I do that?
Here's an assumption that's I believe is true and I think it works in many aspects of life, not just relationships:
assume that people (women) talk to each other about everything.
I actually agree with you Cheekz. but anger can make you forget your morals and your decency. Especially if you feel like you've been made a fool of. but you're right. if you were both vulnerable to each other you both have confidences that should remain regardless.
Reecie is like the Nia Long of SBM. The caramel shorty everyone wants to wife and live happily every after with. Thanks for the back up
All I am saying is that you don't make wise decisions when you are mad. And your gossip bloodlust may end up hurting yourself in the long run.
You really think its cool to clown on a dude that cried in your arms after his mother died. You should feel honored he shared himself in that momment, instead you write a nasty facebook message telling everyone how he had a snot bubble trying to emasculate him. that.aint.wavy.
#freemaxb
bitchassness.
so, yet again, we women should just "deal with it."
be brave.
no one's saying you have to provide closure face-to-face. also, i think you all are being prejudicial that every woman is going to give some dramatic emotional response.
You know what, I apologize, you are absolutely right.
bitchassness.
so, yet again, we women should just “deal with it.”
Actually, I think this shows a level of complacency on your (womens) part which is the exact opposite of what I'm suggesting. You should NOT deal with it. And if a man IS putting you through this then you should leave that man alone. If he's illustrating "bitchassness" then why are you worried about having him in your life? You should be grateful he departed, no matter how politically incorrect his exit.
Sooo… you agree that the non-communication/fade-away route is wrong?
I don't think you clearly recommended anywhere in your essay that women should move on from the men that are clearly behaving in this manner. I get that you are just explaining the male POV. It also reeks of "deal with it." (side note: http://bit.ly/bSj5xP)
As for women, we are not going to know you are fading away until you actually do… and only then does that push for closure appears.
That picture was weird, yet funny as hell.
Sooo… you agree that the non-communication/fade-away route is wrong?
Anyway, no not exactly. In principal, yes the "non-communication/fade-away route is wrong" in all cases because it's cold as ice. It's just a mean way of going about terminating a "relationship" – assuming it really was one to begin with. On the other hand, I understand it, hell I've done it, because sometimes the person is just not worth it. I mean we all have our self worth but this has nothing to do with how other value us, which may be pretty low (or high). Either way, it's an independent assessment.
I don’t think you clearly recommended anywhere in your essay that women should move on from the men that are clearly behaving in this manner. I get that you are just explaining the male POV.
To your second point, I don't feel that I should have to recommend it. I feel like we're starting to run in circles now. lol
I mean why should I have to recommend that you should stop dealing with an immature man if he clearly hasn't made you a priority in his life? Why are you making him a priority in yours? You. Should. Not. To me, that is common sense and a recommendation is not necessary.
You know, I would actually kind of agree with this post if I didn't know from personal experience that 9 times out of 10, if the shoe was on the other foot and some woman that you were really into just disappeared to "avoid confrontation", you'd be right on SBM in the comments talkin about how women can't appreciate a good man and blah blah blabbedy blah when really she just wasn't into you and should have told you so.
I also have a problem with men who pull the disappearing act to avoid confrontation and then try to come back like they never left…and then have the nerve to look all confused when I hit them with the "n*gga, get the f*ck out my face". I just think men want what they want, and will try to get it without considering the consequences or other ppl's feelings. Does it make them bad? Maybe not, if it's in your nature. Selfish bastards? Probably. lol
I agree. When guys get the silent treatment…there's some emotional uneasiness going on..it comes out different ways. One guy i told (over the phone) that i didnt want to continue seeing him and there was this long silence and deep breathe…then the questions came lol. And he wasn't yelling or crying..but everything started with "So let me ask you this.." lol…i thought "oh here we go.."
I can handle the truth from a guy (so long as he's mature about it) but if i don't hear from him it's whatever. I feel as though i have enough things in my life to keep me occupied (like SBM lol) that i don't trip. One guy who i thought we were good just up and bounced…i was "emtional" for about a day then i got over it *shrug*. I try and follow the 4 agreements..particularly the one that says "Don't take things personally".
Perhaps i've become numb to the BS but I'm notorious for just dropping a dude and not giving a reason..I've learned not to emotionally invest in a guy until after a certain point in the relationship (and even then it's a cautious investment). So if he dips after 2 weeks or even 2 months, I'm good. Also, it's just like the post said..I'd rather not deal with it if I'm just not that into you. Simple. I only ever got "emotional" over my long-term BF and it was fair game because we BOTH cared about each other.
Maybe its the Chauvinistic side of me, but me admitting to being scared of anyone, especially women doesnt sit well.
Wanting to avoid unnecessary drama and stress is one thing. Totally unable to deal with a woman's reaction to my comments because of an inherent fear of the unknown is another.
The title of this blogpost just bothers me, but hey it's not my blog and it opens discussion. Good job.
“if you have ever cried in front of a man and he didn’t at least flinch like he was about to hold you? LEAVE THAT MAN ALONE! He is a serial killer!”
FUNNY…
But in all seriousness, a 'real man' should have the balls to play in the game, and not just be MIA and forfeit without warning. I showed up, the least you could do is tell me face to face, “I quit.” No matter the outcome, should be a respect thing.
just be prepared for bats to be thrown at your balls.WUSSES…..
#Random: I didn't know this blog was going to drop until last night. However, I had what I thought was an interesting debate with a follower on twitter about the responsibilities of men/women in the whole relationship process. If yall want to get some context on how I (as in me, personally, WIM, speaking for WIM, not men) feel about that, you can read that convo here:
http://search.twitter.com/search?max_id=157675875…
Note:If you are unfamiliar with Twitter
you're weird'Tweets' read chronologically from the bottom up. Also, Twitter only saves convos for 14 days. In other words, this will be deleted in two weeks.I agree that women end relationships, and I agree that men avoid confrontation, but that doesn't give a woman carte blanche to become an emotional basket case and act the pure de fool just because she's uncomfortable with where she stands.
I think someone else mentioned maturity and I agree that has a lot to do with it, because if you come at a grown man screeching like a banshee because you are emotionally upset, he will lock you out of his house and his blackberry so fast your head will spin.
I think that most men avoid confrontation hoping that cooler heads will prevail.
I think women should take solace in the fact that if a man didn't respect you enough to break up with you properly (face to face), then he was NEVER going to wife you.
I think I've said this before, but a lot of times women think they are in a relationship when they aren't. So for the man, a confrontation isn't worth it when the situation isn't that serious.
<del>Am I the only one whose panties dropped a little bit at Dr. J putting JustTheT in his/her/its place?</del>
All I have to say about this post is ugh. You're right, but ugh.
My panties didn't drop but I was like that's right check that b* i can't stand that heiffer…LMAO. (sorry, that was a politically incorrect comment).
I was wondering what happened to those – I swear I put some on this morning…hmmm?
#IMustaSmokedDose
Regardless of man or woman some people just don't take break-ups well. They hang on to every damn word you say and drag the ish out. Every calm discussion where you think some steps were made towards closure can be destroyed because they end up over-analyzed and reprocessed the ish. Next thing you know you're back to square one.
I definitely understand the "I'm out" move and it's not always due to immaturity. There are shades of gray.
If that is the case, stating that you're ending things and why should be sufficient. At that point, change your number or whatever else you feel the need to do. I still feel that not saying anydamnthing is a cowardly move.
I'm sorry. But we raise men to be defenseless against women. All chivarly crap that people push on to us makes it every fight we get into an unfair one where I am constantly being called the bully. Now b/c I wont argue with someone that I have been programmed to think is weaker than me I am a coward.
Sorry I don't feel like being your whipping toy. If you want me to be a man than untie my hands and let me really express myself. NO. REALLY EXPRESS MYSELF.
you do not want to know what your ex man really thinks about you. Am I making myself clear enough. You are not built for those kind of conversations.
Again, if you state that you are done and why, there is no reason to further communicate at all even if it is being pushed on you by an immature party. Just because you are afraid that they may possibly by immature enough to not let that be enough doesn't mean that you need to be immature enough to not end things like an adult. You don't necessarily need to change your number, but if they are still pursuing the issue, then just don't answer/respond. I don't see why this is so difficult, especially since that seems to be the alternative being proposed anyways. I'm just saying do your disappearing act AFTER it's clear that she/he is not reacting in a civilized manner. Nobody says you have to argue or anything else, but I do feel you owe them the respect of ending it properly. Hell, do it via text if you need to.
CHeeKZ, a part of me doesn't even want to respond to all that. Let me just say that I have had these conversations, and no matter what you THINK you know, I do want to hear it. Just because a person has some negative feedback to give you doesn't mean he has to be a douchebag about it. It's called constructive criticism and everybody should learn how to give it and take it… constructively.
I need to get off here, got me on here writing whole posts and ish, I need to be studying.
"If that is the case, stating that you’re ending things and why should be sufficient." That's my point, it should be sufficient, but some people don't except it.
"At that point, change your number or whatever else you feel the need to do." I know that there are circumstances that would make this necessary, i.e. dangerous stalker, but this is extreme. If I give you enough respect to communicate why I'm no longer interested, we should be able to redefine the relationship and move on.
"I still feel that not saying anydamnthing is a cowardly move." I agree. Didn't say that I do this, just that I understand why someone would. I've never went ghost on someone, but I've been pissed as hell at myself that I allowed someone into my circle that was this immature. If you are mature – you will own the situation (because they wouldn't be there if you hadn't let them in) and work with the person to achieve closure. I was only stating that the level of immaturity doesn't always fall to the person that is ending the relationship as many people have commented on here. Sometimes the unwilling recipient is the immature person in the equation.
Again, I don't condone it, but I definitely understand why some people would and do act this way.
I hear what all your women are saying, and I realize you guys disagree with how men end 'relationships', but I fundamentally disagree with this whole 'fear', 'cowardly', 'punk-move' sort of logic.
I've said it before, I'm a fan of the disappearance. Now, let me be clear, if we're in a committed, stated relationship where we've discussed the future and where we plan on being in 3, 6, 8, or 12 months and beyond, that's one thing. If something changes and 6, 8, 12 months and beyond are no longer likely, then yeah, a conversation is warranted.
But if I drifted into your life, we spent some time together and enjoyed each others company without ever really discussing the future or where we were drifting to… I will never understand why it's not ok for me to leave the same way I came.
To me, if I drift into your life, and we never talk about the future, then, when I drift out, and you get upset, then that means you weren't being totally honest with yourself or me about your expectations.
To me, if I drift into your life, and we never talk about the future, then, when I drift out, and you get upset, then that means you weren’t being totally honest with yourself or me about your expectations.
#cosign
Give me honesty or give me
a hitachi power tooldeath."Even if she strikes you first people still expect you not to hit her back. *blank stare*"
Yes, we will STILL expect you not to hit her. This is when I expect you to RUN and fall off the face of the earth. But noooooo these are the women ya'll love. These are the crazy ones ya'll can't get enough of. Sigh.
Men are the most needy and emotional creatures on this here planet. Believe that. Everything you do and say today is an emotional display of your daddy issues, mama issues, past rejection from Trina in the 7th grade and Keisha freshman year of college, cause The Man has oppressed you, cause your boy Randy's girl cheated on him and you ain't go let that ish happen to you, and the list goes on and on.
And on top of being needy and emotional you mofos have the nerve to be selfish and insensitive. So you do the stuff you do not because you're scared of women, but because you're needy, emotional, selfish and insensitive. Fortunately for you, we women (aka heroes) will continue to strive to be all that we think you want and need.
Interesting. I'm gonna jump out on a limb here, me not knowing you and all, but, I'm just wondering if it's at all possible that somehow you (and maybe your friends) are surrounding yourself with needy and emotional men?
The men I know, and spend my free time with are all the opposite of 'needy and emotional'.
Anything is possible, but I believe the dudes I’m (we’re) interested in and hang with are regular, run of the mill men. We human beings (men, women, red, yellow, black and white) all have needs and emotions. Emotions include fear, shame, (lack of) acceptance, joy, sorrow, etc. So how are you and yours the opposite of emotional? (I left off needy cause that’s derogatory and I’ll take your word on it since I don’t know you).
For some reason, when most folks think emotional they think crying, screaming, angry outbursts, or some other “female ish.” So if you’re a man (aka an emotional creature with a penis instead of a vagina) and you have been taught or otherwise socialized not to deal with your emotions using easy, go to methods such as crying, screaming, rants (that aren’t entertaining or funny), etc., then how do you deal with your emotions?
I’m of the opinion that men deal with emotions in varying forms of bitcha$$ness and d!ck moves. Some more subtle than others. (I would love to take an example from Love & Basketball cause Q’s behavior to me sticks out as classic male emotional response bitcha$$ness, but it would make this comment THAT much longer and I have a day job.)
A dude not officially ending things with a chick he’s been hanging out with is not cause he thinks she will cry or scream (no that would be presumptuous and arrogant), it’s because he’s selfish and insensitive. If you’ve gone out with the girl a few times why would ending it be dramatic? The endings that MAY come with some drama involve women you were seriously dating (understandable), women you have been lying to and misleading (stop doing that) and crazies (choose better). If I start hanging out with a dude, I think he’s great, but he’s not feeling me, I’d rather just be told so in a considerate way then to wonder whatever happened to that seemingly great guy. It happens to the best of us. If he "disappears" I’ll take the hint quick and I won’t think he's dead in a ditch or experiencing some other trauma. Nope, I'll think he's just fine where he is and that he's continuing to commit d!ck moves. 😉
(I've got to learn how to comment with fewer words. Sigh.)
So Im a "Serial Killer" because I didnt flinch,
Naw, Im just allergic to bullsh!t.
I found out I wasnt into you,
after I went into you.
Dnt want to waste your time so Im throwing up the deuce.
A crazy screaming woman is every man’s fear. A crying woman is every man’s kryptonite.
^^
This is the only thing i no-sign with WIM. Crying doesn't affect me when a women does it. I might say "damn" in my head, btu Im not buckling or consoling unnecessarily, especially if she's wrong. Im far froma serial killer too. lol
Whatever helps you sleep at night….Dexter. lol
First off let me just say wow. Great comments from everyone! I love it.
Here's what I get out of it…
If a guy is leaving with no explanation he didn't considered himself in a relationship. WIM said best "It’s just a mean way of going about terminating a “relationship” – assuming it really was one to begin with." If he's pulling a disappearing act, y'all weren't together. He didn't "start a relationship" with you. You just think he did because y'all hang all the time, have sex, and do other "relationship" like things. But unless he says you're my girlfriend and I'm your boyfriend, it's not legit.
I've done the fade and have had the fade away down to me. I didn't feel bad for doing and I was an emotional case when it happened to me. I asked myself: "were we in a relationship or just together.". Don't get me wrong I might refer to him as a "jerk (or something stronger)" but mostly "just some guy I dated and it didn't work out."
And the statement that "women end relationships" is so true. I can honestly say that I broke off all my relationships. One guy asked me for a break but it was me who decided that was a break-up and ended things all together.
Once again, great post (esp. for sparking such great comments).
this has the be the most G shit ive ever seen in my life!wow @ how good of a parent this person would be.
my thing is this though…youre gonna have to put in A LOT of work to get these ppl to get the points youre making bc all theyre hearing is "insult insult direspect" when they should be hearing "heres a good point. this is someone to learn from"
whether you decide to keep at it or not i hope it works out for you whatever youre trying to accomplish. kudos.
Irrational reactions from women in casual dating situations are not as uncommon as you think. Much of this has to do with the fact that women are notorious for reading WAAAYYYY too much into “relationships”. Most of the time if you go and ask every man a woman would refer to as an ex-boyfriend about her he wouldn’t call her an ex-girlfriend. She would simply be some girl. If I’m not in an actual relationship with you, the thought of providing an explanation really might not cross my mind. Selfish? Maybe. Inconsiderate? Sure. Malicious in my intent? Absolutely not.
"We’ve discussed here before the many reason why men avoid confrontation and being honest. We can call them pussies, cowards, weaklings, etc. The main reason is that they just don’t want to deal with the inevitable drama."
Here's another look at the same topic: http://andthatswhyyouresingle.wordpress.com/2010/…
I #Co-Sign that quote a 1000 times.
I also hope people take the time to read the blog you linked as I think it shows an introspective and mature viewpoint from the women's perspective and perhaps that will be received with less contention.
Well I don't think I learned anything new that I didn't already know for starters. I'm not sure about every female, but I know that I would much rather a guy to just be straight up with me. Keep it real because if you're not feeling it.. that's okay.. but I need to know everything too in case I'M not feeling what your dishing out and therefore need to chuck the deuces.
Women have hurt feelings and get emotional when shit is clear. When we have to sit there and play detective because men won't just say what they are really thinking. So if you don't want her to be crazy and emotional just tell her the damn truth!… to the point! Women will always voice their opinions, that's just what we do best. There's no way around that. When a woman is too quiet.. she probably don't care and you should probably worry if you actually are feeling her.
I know for one thing I don't like guessing … so if I have to guess… I'M NOT INTERESTED and will have you wondering why did she fall back without a full explanation.
Confrontation is apart of life. Seriously, get a backbone and stop running with your tail between your legs.
Clarification at a typo.. I meant "Women have hurt feelings and get emotional when shit isn't clear."
Honestly, I don't really expect a guy to have to tell me that he's not that into me. The vibe is kinda obvious if someone isn't really into you. Plus I feel like if a guy really wants something to happen he will make it happen. Simple as that. I've had my share of crushes that I've wanted to blossom into something bigger but when it doesn't happen I don't get upset…on to the next one. The less emotion involved, the happier you'll be.
So this statement stuck out to me:
"In closing, men are honest with women they love, tell the truth to women they don’t care about and avoid the women who fall in the middle. You may disagree so I’ll turn it over for discussion."
So what's exactly the difference between honesty and truth? I'd love to read a post about this one for sure! Because I think I know but maybe I don't.