Home Women Stop It. I Am Not That Dude and Your Girl’s a Fool.

Stop It. I Am Not That Dude and Your Girl’s a Fool.

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I remember dating this girl a few years ago that clearly wasn’t my type. Let me be a little more honest. That chick was hood. It didn’t matter that she went to college or that she was a Delta. She was the type that probably used to carry razors in her mouth and beat up dudes despite the fact she was like 5’3. I dated her because she was a Black/Latina beauty and the first woman that I thought “had it all together.” Dominique-Shakeisha was the worst dating decision of my life. Her friends were also the worst auto-dating decision of my life.

One of the painful lessons I learned from dealing with Dominique-Shakeisha and her gossiping friends was to not date anymore sorority girls; or at the very least, not date any sorority girls that had an assortment of single and unattractive sorority friends. I used to listen to them giving lackluster and bitter advice to each other. “Girl, you better be careful with him. You know he from Harbor Point in Dorchester. You remember what happened with the last dude from there you dealt with right? He probably just like Pookie and ‘nem.”

I can also remember getting into an argument with Dom-Sha and her defaulting to “Just cuz you went to Cornell, you think you know everything. You ‘smart’ n*ggas always got something to say.” Hope was lost. And when the relationship ended and I thought I got the last laugh, she made my life hell for the next 7-8 months. First it was a restraining order that got thrown out. Then it was pressing fictitious charges that also got tossed.  I recall looking to my right after the judge scorned her for wasting the court’s time and how she stormed out the court room. Best moment ever followed by a long lasting sting and I don’t mean STDs. Use Trojans and bumper guards.

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Dom-Sha changed the way that I screened and responded to women. If I met a sorority girl, I immediately defaulted to no way no how. If I met a girl that was from a fairly hood area (define that how you’d like) I’d run for the hills. If I met a Latina-Black combo, I assumed that beneath the layers of aesthetic goodness hid a strait jacket shorty. If I met Geminis or Scorpios, I quickly buried my head in sand and waited for them to go away.

*muffled* Leave me alonnnneeee!

I can recollect telling a few of my boys about my dating philosophy. One of the great things about my friends is that they have no problem no-signing me. If I’m being reckless, illogical, or irrational, they tell me about it despite how defensive I may become. A couple of them had no issue telling me that my screening process was messed up. I walked away from the conversation feeling salty, but then it made sense. I remember saying to myself “I can’t judge the ones I meet based on the ones I met.” My thought process, for the most part, hasn’t been the same since. It’s a good thing. I can thank rational friends for that.

I also thought back to my dealings with Dom-Sha and her friends. I see their presence in many of the women that I encounter today. They cosign their friends wayward screening processes or bring to mind a memory of the past dude that isn’t the guy they’re dealing with today. More often than one would expect, the guy of today that’s paying for her past mistakes, relationship shortcomings, and dinner is leaps and bounds above “that guy,” but she’d never know it because she’s reading the backwards almanac written by herself and her friends. Quite tragic if you ask me, but what do I know?

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Better yet, what do you think? Is this phenomenon of bad advice and invalid historical references still as big an issue as I make it out to be? Are men equally as guilty of listening to their friends and comparing women of the past to the new women that they’re too blind to see have it together? Other thoughts?

Your birthday is November what? Nuh-uhhhhhhhh girl bye,

P.S. Pause

Comment(163)

  1. I think we are all guilty of holding on to the past bad experiences a little too literally and too long. Whether it's birthdays, where a person is from, or where they went to school, some things bring up too many bad memories to get over. But your screening process protects you from future hurt until that painful spot heals. Just try not to let it take too long.

      1. A different friend for every season — part of being a friend is understanding where YOUR OWN friends are emotionally/mentally/spiratually/etc.

        I still have some bitter homegirls — and they are not consulted when decisions of the heart come along. A few of my friends have not yet learned the fine art of listening; they're too busy shooting off at the mouth.

        But most importantly, those closest to me are the ones who know how to be a "third eye" … yeah, they have their own experiences — but they'd rather walk through the scenarios with me and simply ask me to reflect on my own revelations. They've taught me how to be a better friend.

        As I've gotten older, what it means to be a friend has dramatically changed. I don't know how men pick/choose their friends (yal are stingy with letting us peek at the Man Code) — but women must learn that sometimes you need to swap priorities on friends or … just get new ones.

        1. "A different friend for every season — part of being a friend is understanding where YOUR OWN friends are emotionally/mentally/spiratually/etc."

          I concur

  2. Is this phenomenon of bad advice and invalid historical references still as big an issue as I make it out to be?

    ^^^yup!

    Are men equally as guilty of listening to their friends and comparing women of the past to the new women that they’re too blind to see have it together?

    ^^^sure are…i know a few…>_<

    Other thoughts?

    ^^^I know some sorority girls that are hood and act just as irrational as you described above…but i also know non-greek girls who are the same…you really just have to get to know a person based upon who they are as a person but you know that now!

    I'm sorry you dealt with all of that though Slim…glad you made it through and have learned from it!

  3. You knew she wasn't your type the minute you met her..that was your spidey sense tingling and you chose to ignore it. Your first gut impression of someone is usually right on point.

    We all make comparisons when we are dating..and we all refer back to some traumatic episode in our dating history…but, the key is to not be ruled by your past and let it interfere with your future…if I did that, I would have probably stopped dating Black Men a long time ago..lol…just kidding.

    I really try to give people a chance based on their own merit. I don't really have any broad generalizations by which I eliminate people to date…except race..but it's not because of anything that has happened in the past its just a personal preference.

    I may have to co-sign the Scorpio and Gemini thing…I am with a Gemini now and he is bi-polar but charming..and I know a Scorpio girlfriend of mine's who is Crazzy as a LOON…..but, will give you the shirt off her back….everyone has good qualities. lol.

      1. Slim,

        You and QueenT gonna get off us Geminis! LOL, I'm a full Gemini and I just like to do what I like to do. I've had nothing but GREAT references….or else they'd get cut<–iKid.

        BUT, it does take a person who allows me to be me and accepts and respects it completely. Anything less than that won't work. I'm speaking for myself, though.

      1. You know..the twin personality thing. It can be very frustrating..but, I am very compatible with the Gemini spirit…I love my Gemini guy..and I love and respect the twin nature of the Gemini….and they are alot of fun to be around.

        1. We're not bipolar, we just have very short attention spans and a high level of intellect that keeps us floating from one thing to the next.

  4. For the record the women refereed to as 'Dominique-Shakeisha' in this post was BAD, SUPER BAD. Arguably the best looking woman I have ever seen wifed up. She was so good looking….. oh wait, sorry Slim.

    Anyway, this post is clearly a statement of 'win' for all men. Its clear as day.. when a man does something illogical or non practical, his crew will step up and save him from his ways. #manlogic. There is it, its done in front of your very eyes. But ladies and their constant talking about their emotions and patting each other on the back, whether it be line sisters or twitter buddies, just constantly fester ignorance and bad advice. Driving couples apart b/c they are on a revenge spree against all Haitians from Hempstead. I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT JEAN BAPTISE-DeMONDE from Parkside did to you. I am CHeeKZ MONEY from Midway. Two different hoods, two different Haitians.

    Rule number one.. don't take advice from miserable people.

    2)Stop with the long ass conversation with your GF eating ice cream complaining about your man. You are a grown woman, keep it to yourself

    3)Its one thing to learn from the past, its another to let the past stop you from growing as a person. See Glenn Beck if you need an example of a man who lets the past stop progress.

    4)Slim… let me get Dominique-Shakeisha number? You know I'm a sucker.

    1. "Rule number one… Don't take advice from miserable people"

      "You are a grown woman, keep it to yourself"

      Agreed!!

      People need to start trusting themselves and not rely on approval from their friends, who don't ALWAYS know whats best (even for themselves).

      1. naw son Parkside stay effing up the party. Don't come over here. Y'all know Midway got the best parties and the cleaniest girls.

        Eff Terrace, Eff the Heights….

    2. Hmm, rule of thumb here in Miami…stay away from Haitian men. There crazy lol

      Maybe its just the older generation, but I heard the young ones aren't much different.

        1. Loll, c'est de la jalousie de la part des hommes ! Don't hate the playa hate the game ! Woman like it when i speak in french

      1. Wowww, that's so mean…. I'm Haitien (Sa kap fèt ! Kot toute ayitien yo !) and I'm a scorpio !! loll Streetz need to write a post for real !

      2. I believe you meant to say "Stay away from Haitian men, our pipe game will make you crazy." Must have got lost in that google creole translation.

        Shout out to Streetz and S.O.U.L.

        Ayiti!

        1. "I believe you meant to say “Stay away from Haitian men, our pipe game will make you crazy.”"

          I am happily married to a Haitian man and can say wholeheartedly that you speak nothing but the truth!

      3. Your own people cosigned on it, so I dunno what to tell you lol…its ok I tend to steer clear of my West African brethren too.

  5. My first line of defense against bad advice is to NOT surround myself with bitter, negative people. That goes for males and females.

    I use previous experiences as a gauge, but the factors are never general (degree vs. none, raised up North vs. South, etc.). The dealbreakers are usually along the lines of:

    1. Did he ask for a loan on the first date?

    2. Wait…did this fool just call me out my name?

    3. Does his purse/hair make me envious?

    Seriously, if I need advice about relationships, it makes no sense to go to someone who is miserable in theirs. That strikes me as common sense.

    1. Seriously, if I need advice about relationships, it makes no sense to go to someone who is miserable in theirs. That strikes me as common sense.

      Uh – HUh!!!!!!!

  6. hi, ive been stalking and giggling for months! love the blog,co-sign on the Gemini and Scorpio and would just like to add Libra men on that list! as to the bad advice inquiry, i get god awful advice from my best friend on a regular basis! she means well but we deal with 2 very diff social circles so the men that her advice applies to are not the men that i date! once I start complaining to my girlfriend about my man he has about a 6 week shelf life before I toss his ass, so that's when the long convo's come into play. it's just to do a quick pros/cons list b4 i finalize my decision. never for just regular beefs only suspected dealbreakers.

    1. Definitely agree with the "No Libra Men Rule" Charming my ass,lol.

      I think I will stick to applying the common factors from past relationships as dealbreakers…there is a reason that they continue to emerge; they can not all be coincidental. If not, my dating life will have me costantly wondering why the cycle of BS seems so familiar. Asking myself, "Have I dated you before?"

      Damn.

      1. But Lost… every relationship you have ever had (unless you are married) has ended. If you stay away from people who have common traits as your ex you would have to stay away from all pen!ses.

        It would make more sense to stay away from the common factors that actually led to the break up. Not random facts the nipple color and the amount of drool produced in one's sleep.

        Keeping it all the way real with you. All the way. The most common factor in all your break ups… is YOU.

        #noshots

        #noshots

        1. …and the common denominator in ALL deaths is that the person that died breathed oxygen. You wanna stop breathing to avoid death? Some ish just doens't correlate!

          I am SO tired of hearing this blaming statement.

    2. Welcome! E-champagne for everyone.

      I don't get that "common denominator" statement either. If anybody has been in two failed relationships or more, you are the common denominator. So, unless you found your soul-mate right off the bat and are happily married many years later, that statement can and will apply. I love how it's usually pointed in the direction of a woman though.

      1. @Sane & Star

        I tell that to everyone. I don't think many people look at how they could have contributed to the breakdown of a relationship whether they be men or women.

        I'm not really trying to put it in a "blame the victim" type of thing more of a "how did my actions get me here" train of thought.

  7. Guilty…I have folks typecast as well. If a dude can sing…I'm out….if his birthday is in March don't even look my way…Yes, a bad relationship can make you gunshy with ANYONE that reminds you of Hell Dates….LOL

    Oh yeah and I don't take advice from Single folks…if they were so good at advice they wouldn't be single.

    BBWs is what I call them – Bitter Bewildered Women.

  8. Here's my thing, i've dated some hood chicks in the part on account of "but she's bad tho." Yep, standing in the club talking to a chick, who I can't hear very well, so I leaned over so she could say it right in my ear and here comes my chick, "pushing and shoving." I was upset at the time, but then I was like you know I kind of like that my chick doesn't want any other b*tches in my face. There's nothing wrong with a chick who is put together, but she has a hood streak. Nothing at all.

    I'm like the same dude who's bougie as hell, but i'm not above being in the crib with some knee high socks, chancletas and a 40. That just might happen one or two days a week.

    But Slim you pointed out some key things that led you to believe it wasn't for you. And people didn't catch your timeline, I know why you don't like any of those characteristics in other women. Because you had to put up with this crap for like a year.

    Ask me why I don't date Dominicans? That's a lie, but ask me why I don't intend on marrying a Dominican. Some shit happened in my past and i'm salty. Fine, i'll be like that all by myself. That's life man… when you have a bad experiment, you stop banging your head against the wall and just admit that there's so many different fish in the sea, choosing not to date a certain section of the selection is perfectly fine.

    Sidenote, Greek dating… sigh. I have had good and bad experience. Worse definitely came at yo' school, best at my own school against my beliefs. The key is you gotta date that person who is Greek, but they ain't GREEK. Like I lie to no one, I was president of chapter and NPHC president, i'm a frat boy. But i'm not dating the president of the AKA chapter, or the VP of NPHC, nope, i'm dating that chick who is like, "I don't f*ck with those b*tches like that…"

    LOL. You know i'm right too!

    1. Yeah, I probably know some of the women from my school you dealt with. I got a headache being around a few of 'em. Much love to any Greek chicks from my school reading this. Much shade to anyone that isn't.

      1. now that you guys bring it up…

        you can make the arguement that women in any large number or groups are bad. On their own some of those girls in those chapters we are talkign about are nice people. But when they get behind that one evil bitter leader they turn into the children of the corn. no cam'ron.

        1. @Cheekz – I mean the issue is this, and i've said this to women who are members of these institutions, whether it be Greek, 100 Black Women, Jack & Jill, the Links or whatever. The problem is your support system is inherently flawed.

          "One bad apple spoils the bunch."

          Like if you are not part of this organization, you're going to go to your close friends and family for advice. Your friends are people who you have grown with and developed a strong bond with, whereas, your "sisters" are inherited and you are indebted to listen to them.

          No matter how dumb they are! The worst thing is to be dating a girl who has a bunch of single line sisters because what do they do, "they constantly make her feel like crap for not hanging out with them." They are lonely and they intend on bringing everyone into it. It's also a bunch of women who have had bad experiences and they are sitting around discussing their "dating" lives as "sisters" and it's going nowhere fast. Because if they were successful, they wouldn't be sitting around talking about this with women, they'd be with their man. An older mentor of mine told me, "you're not dating her, you're dating her, her LSs and her dean." (Even though, i'd say that she has a spec or number who is trying to hit, and he's acting like they just friends and she b*tches about you to him and he's like, "I wouldn't do that, but i'm a different type of man than your man.")

          So it's like I told a chick one time, it takes people a long time to realize where their friends and "sisters" fall into things and for a lot of people you can tell their perspective early on. If they say something like, "My friends will always be there for me, i'm not sure about my man." It puts you on alert that they plan to always have those friends be a higher priority than their man. The person that they hope to build a foundation with and grow into something worth having for a lifetime. It makes you think.

          PS – One caveat, Babyface's song, "Our Feelings" was about an AKA and an Alpha dating. Maybe a Que and a Delta. But that's the other problem with dating greek, you're constantly dealing with all these people in your relationship.

        1. Yo Cornell Greeks get thrown under the Bus today!

          And the fact that we are all the same age, means we are talking about the SAME GROUP OF CHICKS! LOL. SMH.

        2. I'm a scorpio and a SGRHO…LOL.. It's true though..there seems to be a "thing " with dating Greeks….sometimes you just gotta go for the GDI's..Every Greek I've dated seemed to always have a second life with his LB's or other frat members and it became way too much. Sometimes they also look in the mirror more than you do and take longer to get dressed and that becomes an annoyance 🙂

      2. I am so late on this post but I feel like you and a majority of people saying that you won't date Greek females(generalizing) is the same thing as females saying "Men aint shit". Those lines are played out… People will act the way they do because of their own rationales within themselves. I am in a Sorority and although I am not the girl that says fuck them girls (which is how I feel sometimes lol) and was the VP of NPHC, I still have my own mind and am able to decipher from sisterly advice or hating. People will hate becuz they don't know any better. That may be all they seen or they can really see thru the man's BS that the girl can't see cuz she is blinded by the lust…Sometimes males say their friends are haters cuz they can see right thru u. Or she can just be a hater. It happens but all in all you should give everyone a chance before u judge them and put them in an undeserving category.

    2. The key is you gotta date that person who is Greek, but they ain’t GREEK. Like I lie to no one, I was president of chapter and NPHC president, i’m a frat boy. But i’m not dating the president of the AKA chapter, or the VP of NPHC, nope, i’m dating that chick who is like, “I don’t f*ck with those b*tches like that…”

      -the motherf*cking truth.

        1. i changed my twitter picture last week and so many people thought that i was either a GDI or actually read my bio and thought i was an alpha (bio just says frat boy). i don't know how i feel about that either way.

  9. "If I met Geminis or Scorpios, I quickly buried my head in sand and waited for them to go away.". O___O.

    I HateChu for that Statement.

    Really tho???

  10. I think both men and women use take their cues from their past experiences – one of the few things we're equally guilty of. Sometimes it's to our detriment, but moretimes it's a good thing.

    I think learning from our past experiences with a certain type of person to prevent further banging our head against walls is a good thing. But punishing the new person for what the last person did to us is another matter altogether.

    As far as listening to our friends go, it's interesting because I feel like no one I know listens to what their friends tell them. My all friends have a policy of do it first and tell Max after because they know I'm going to tell them to stop what they're doing and they know they're not gonna listen.

    My twittergirls can attest to the fact that I pretty much never listen to advice. If they're telling me to do something I don't want to do I just ignore them.

  11. "If I met Geminis or Scorpios, I quickly buried my head in sand and waited for them to go away.". O___O.

    I HateChu for that Statement.

    Really tho??? I am not the kind of person to overlook someone due to astrological signs because NOT everyone characteristics are the same though they may have the same zodiac.

    I treat each individual on a case by case basis.

    Also I learned misery loves company listening to your single friends' so called advice sometimes is due to jealously on their part due to the fact you are in boo bliss and they still looking.

    Yes sometimes we are prone to carrying around emotional baggage that stem from past relationships but it does subside once we realize that the new boo is not the old boo and I have recently learned that men carry duffels too which is way more draining than a woman toting.

  12. {there is nothing wrong with a chick who is put together but has a hood streak, nothing at all} "true" (in my *crush on you* voice) as long as she knows when to whip her hood card out and when to keep it in her pocket.
    sorry but as a Pisces I have to walk away from all gemini, libra and Scorpio men! reasons being drama,disappointment and deciept! haven't met a Gemini yet without 3heads, a libra that wasn't lame in in the sack or a Scorpio that wasn't living a life of lies:/

    1. [haven’t met a Gemini yet without 3heads, a libra that wasn’t lame in in the sack or a Scorpio that wasn’t living a life of lies:/]

      Oh My.

      *Que the Violin*

      1. Applies to *Men*

        the women and male friends in those signs I'm fine with but on an intimate level is where these characteristics drive me nuts! not tryna insult anyone.

    2. i feel like i need to give a class. this overgeneralizing of Sun Signs is killing me. my sun is Scorpio, moon is in Sagittarius and my rising is in Capricorn – influencing the following: personality, subconscious and how others veiw me, respectively. nevermind my Mars (war), Venus (how i love) and other influencing planets, elements and characteristics.

      too serious?

      i don't know but my point was that the broad brush you're using doesn't take into account a lot of other factors (astrological and otherwise).

      1. @ fixedwater:nah your not being too serious! I am a pisces sun, leo rising, venus in aquarius with my mars in libra. and after finding all of that out I still cant dig libra men on a sexual level no matter their astrological chart patterns. I know this because of the initial attraction to each other but it fizzles as soon as we touch. I've dated 5 of them so its not like I write peolpe off but I am taking note of the situations since they keep occuring. you know like when you see something from far away but the closer you get to it your all "Oh nevermind" get pissed and walk away! same with a gemini: I love cornell west, maxwell, andre 3000, prince etc etc. but the drama of them all i could only take in small doses! i can appreciate something and not want to take part in it on all levels. scorpios: my mother was one and she was a true scorpio! thats all ima say, I know how they operate and I will pass!

  13. Can't do hood chicks….can't do sorority women, either. Ran into some really snotty ones back at Howard that seemed to be pledging just for the step shows, T-shirts, and the ability to cut in front of everyone in line for whatever reasons.

  14. As certified black latina green-card-holding woman that actually has 4 names and is the epitome of a Gemini traits I do not appreciate this post. #thatisall

  15. After my last 'situation' I am having a problem considering Leos. So I definitely understand.

    **Not saying Leos are bad… But maybe the Leo-Virgo combo doesnt work.**

      1. sex is amazing but the constant nagging and nitpicking will drive you up the wall. a life of arguing about piddly bullisht!

    1. *Looking at my screen name*

      Well, ain't that about a…..

      Do all women hate Leos? I have yet to meet a woman that has anything positive to say about us. Maybe in my next life I'll start kicking in the middle of June so I can hop out in early July or something.

        1. That's cool. I suppose I should add that to the list of things I can't control but yet are constantly working against me.

        1. It's not a lot of work if he's TheRealest…just saying.

          I'm not gonna advertise myself like that….getting tired of trying to show why I'm decent enough….I would think that unruly people come in all shapes, sizes, and astrological signs. I'm about as non-unruly as a man could be.

      1. Aww, chin up.

        I know for a fact there are women out there who loves Leo's. My brother pulls a sh!t load of chicks and he's a Leo.

        And seeee Maxie said she likes you guys too!

        1. *Shrugs* I guess it's another moral victory for Team TheRealestLeo….seems like every woman I know has a brother/uncle/cousin/father/nephew that has something in common with me but is benefiting from said commonality.

          I'll believe women like Leos when I meet one.

          If I'm being Ebenezer Scrooge today, I apologize. I'm in kind of a bad mood lately.

        1. I'm a Libra never dated a Leo. hmm. but my rising sign is Leo so I'm not sure if that would work… *yes I'm into astrology and have had a chart done*

        2. What is with this 'putting people in their place' thing? I'm a grown-ass man, not some three-year-old that needs to be whupped.

      1. I would be bored being married to someone like myself…my conservative Virgo ar$e needs a Libra or Capricorn to pull the good-bad stuff out of me. They are the ying to my yang I see.

        My husband is a Libra….His weighing sometimes clashes with my analyzing, but we make it work….he’s the rabbit to my monkey.

        I think I read somewhere that some Chinese use their signs to do match making. I do not believe in the horoscope thing, but I definitely think signs have a way of typecasting people correctly and therefore is a viable resource to look at when dating.

        1. Agreed…there are certain traits that each sign reflects that cannot be ignored.

          Leo and Libra have always been considered a bad match because Virgo is too critical and Leo doesn't like being criticized and it hurts the Leo ego.

          Just tell a Leo she's pretty and sit down somewhere and we will be fine.

  16. I do not listen to women that are in the same situation as I, because they cannot see the forest for the trees yet. I like to talk with older, been there done that women that are ultimately where I would like to be.

    When it come to listening to my girls, I listen, repeat the facts and ask them what they think should be happening, etc. I TRY not to get negative, however, there is just a point in a conversation when you have to say–HOLD UP—He did/said what? That's what friends are for.

    I would be upset if my friend was able to see what I couldn't yet she didn't tell me. We are not in this world alone for a reason and sometimes people don't want you to share your feelings with a friend when they KNOW they are doing you dirty.

    However, that is why discernment is important. You have to use common sense and your intuition when getting advice from anyone including the ones that love you. People speak from where they have been, seen, heard, and done.

    Futhermore, your past is there for a reason—to gain experiences while learning who you are. Each situation teaches you about self. As much as I try to not allow my past to give me tunnel vision, it happens. When this happens to me, I do no automatically dismiss it as nothing, I try to analyze WHY it is coming up all of a sudden. I don’t like to make the same mistake over and over again so it should be checked out at least.

    1. I do not listen to women that are in the same situation as I, because they cannot see the forest for the trees yet.

      ^^^^^^YUP!!!

      Or miserable @ss women. Just off the strength of their unhappiness w/ themselves, they give poor advice.

    2. Exactly! There is only one exception though; I have talked to my brother about situations when we have been going through them at the same time only because he can give me both perspectives, the one I see and the one of someone outside the relationship. I know of few women that can do this.

      When I have had relationship problems in the past I have a list of 4 people that I will talk to. No one else. All of them have successful relationships.

  17. Dating experiences allow you to determine what you DONT want. I try my damnedest to stay away from Gemini's, but they find me…

    Learn your lesson(s) and move on.

    The next one you dismiss with a similar birthday or interest may be the "one who got away".

  18. Good post Slim!

    I think there's a fine line between learning from your past and inhibiting your future.

    And we all need to realize we can't take everybody's advice b/c:

    -some people are just dumb

    -not everyone had your best interest at heart

    -some people are just dumb

    Luckily you have a good circle of friends who keep it one hunid w/ you

  19. Aww man….There are some Dominicans out there that aren't crazy…But I digress.
    I don't think that just because you are a grown *ss adult you shouldn't seek some advice. But when you do go to and seek advice remember who you are asking. As a rule I don't go to man haters for advice. There advice will be something along the lines of "he's a man? He's no good. Leave him."
    Most follow the advice of their crew blindly. I can say I was guilty of this at one point…and now I am looking for a new crew.
    …and if you want to cut Geminis and Scorpios, Black/Latinas…and all Dominicans…smh…I'm calling shenanigans…but you might as well because you aren't going to give them a fair chance…or you can just stop asking those questions up front…ask after you see a flag.

  20. Hmph. Maybe I have a different opinion about the advice from friends b/c my friends are not overly 'in-your-business', none of them are bitter about men & we generally have a positive outlook on relationships. So yea… we talk, we hash it out. They don't give "girl… kick his arse to the curb or don't let this one slip away" advice… they ask reflective questions, get at the heart of the matter & allow you to work it out to the satisfaction of you. We have a #nojudging rule… unless someone is really being a plum fool we let you do what is best for you as long as you can take ownership of the situation <del>and he ain't blacking your eye</del>. We are all smart independent individuals & there is no need to guard you like a child.

    Meeting… I'll be back for the historical question later.

    Oh, good post Mr. Jackson.

    1. I agree with you FLYY. I often wonder if some of the situations warrant giving advice that you may not want to hear at times.

      Sometimes it is a case of –you can't handle the truth. People sometimes come to you for confirmation on stuff they know they shouldn't allow themselves to go through….

      I can't be that person. If he is staying with another girl and got her pregnant, don't look for me to say anything too positive about that. I would have to lie to you and that is not being a friend. I tend to just be ears at first but if you come to me the fifth time with the SAME stuff, I have to at least phrase it as, “well if it were me….”

      1. "Sometimes it is a case of –you can’t handle the truth."

        Glad you said it Beefy. And THIS is the reason why men dissappear without an explanation.

        You are so use to the cuddling your friends and family give you, you can't handle a real Ninja.

        **Lights proverbial* fuse and creeps into the night**

        1. @CheeKZ

          Yeah that some ole' punk type stuff tho Money.

          Unless you could be a victim on a Snapped episode, I think men should give some sort of closure.

          Don't break up with me without letting me know—cuz I will find you….you will come back….and than I will crucify you for ego purposes only.

  21. Great post! I had this conversation with a really good friend of mine about a year ago. She was making the new guy pay for the old guy's mistakes. And would have new guy do crazy stuff to prove that he was telling the truth/was into her/whatever to (hopefully) prove to her that he was a good guy. He was doing things and paying for mistakes that he had yet to make. I finally had to sit her down and say, "Snap out of it! He had nothing to do with ol' boy; let bygones be bygones and enjoy this man." She finally got it and was able to relax a little. They broke up soon after (not sure why), but my friend's a serial monogamist, so she was in a new relationship soon. (That's another story for another day.) I'm glad that you haven't written off ALL of us sorority girls (especially us Deltas) just because you encountered one that was crazy. That would be like me writing off all men because I came across one bad seed. In this case, we can't let one spoil the whole bunch.

    1. i know why buddy left…you do too. Cause he got tired of having to prove himself! Men know when they are being "made" to put in overtime to get out of hole that he was thrown in for simply being the next man and he reached his limit.

      1. Haha! You're (probably) right, but I gotta have my girl's back! I know I would be tired of having to try to "prove" myself to my significant other. That would get old REAL quick!

  22. I think that after a bad relationship experience it's best to take a hiatus for a while from dating altogether. It gives you time to get your thoughts in perspective. It let's you see how much of it was actually you and how much of it was the person who you were dating.

    It also helps if you then evolve a little so that you don't make the same mistakes. I think that part helps you from making decisions like, "i don't date Haitians" or "I would never date a guy from Brooklyn" and stuff like that.

    As far as advice from friends are concerned, hopefully you will be surrounded by some real people who are not going to co-sign your bullshit — I know that my friends always keep things straight up with me, even if I don't want to hear it. It's important.

    1. THIS!

      Most people don't take the time to see what they did wrong first. I hate all of the little cliches that are said to make people feel better after a breakup. Here is an idea…maybe it WAS your fault. Maybe the reason was YOU.

      And lets be honest. Women cosign bullish like its giving them a free massage.

    2. I think that after a bad relationship experience it’s best to take a hiatus for a while from dating altogether. It gives you time to get your thoughts in perspective. It let’s you see how much of it was actually you and how much of it was the person who you were dating.

      It also helps if you then evolve a little so that you don’t make the same mistakes.

      I agree

  23. Umm, the Gemini hate is unnecessary…like Pisces are sooo well put together O_o. aside from that, leaving the past in the past is good, but carry the lessons with you. I don't think it was her astrological sign as much as the people she is surrounded by & upbringing. but if you need to check the time of day I was born during the summer solstice then I'm already clocking out…no good. sometimes we need to check ourselves…

    1. 1.Pisces are well put together!

      2.Gemini men and women are very fun and exciting!

      3.That doesn't mean they get along well together in an intimate relationship!

      4.There is no 1 sign that is better than the other, I just happen to realize their flaws/quirks that my flaws/quirks cant tolerate

  24. Do people really believe the zodiac stuff like ya'll are making them out to? I pay so little attention to that stuff. After a while you're just going to have to rule out everyone.

    1. I do not plan my life around the zodiac. But there seems to be a great deal of similarities when comparing my specific sign (virgo) and my personality. So if this is true for other signs I can see why certain groupings will work while others find difficulty.

      Its not that a specific sign is bad. Its more like the characteristics of that sign do not correlate with those of another.

    2. I don't live by it. Buuuut. Certain traits and characteristics is evident in some zodiacs but I don't let that determine who I will and will not date/befriend, etc., like I said before I treat and judge people on a case by case basic.

    3. I'm pretty knowledgeable in it. And there's more to it than just your sun sign when determining compatibility. You have to compare, ascendant, moon, mars, and venus for the most part. Its pretty interesting stuff, but life experiences do shape the person we become as oppose to just the date and time you were born.

  25. I think there is something to learn from past interactions with folks. You learn what you like and don't like. But I don't think cutting members of frats/sororities or folks from certain astrological signs is the way to go (especially since ya'll been doggin us Scorpios today, it's okay we know you want us!).

    For example, I've learned that I don't like men who don't have friends. Like why don't you have friends and why are you trying to invite yourself to my girl's baby shower? Sigh.

    Regarding advice, I don't really look for folks to tell me what to do in any situation and my friends know that. I'm looking for a different perspective than my own and then I'll do what I think is best for me. I only give pointed advice (aka "Girl, you need to ___") for serious matters like domestic abuse, eating disorders, body odor, etc. Otherwise I just listen and let grown folks do what grown folks want to do.

    1. was the man that tried to crash you homegurls baby shower a libra?? sike sike!

      Regarding advice, I don’t really look for folks to tell me what to do in any situation and my friends know that. I’m looking for a different perspective than my own and then I’ll do what I think is best for me.

      exactly!

  26. Scorpios are the loyalest sign. If you dont do anything grimy, you're good. If you do, prepare for the World War series 3-7! lmao!

    I feel you on this post slim. [||]

    1. o___O

      word? Hmmmm….I don't know about that. Gotta think hard about the Scorpios I know. Off the top, I don't consider them loyal people,lol

      I think Taurus and Sag's are pretty damn loyal…sometimes to a fault

  27. Lol.

    1. I pretty much know only one sign – mine. Libra all day, err'day. I have no idea what anyone else is. It's hard enough keeping track of birthdays.

    2. I hardly ever seek out friends' advice, and I don't recall following the unsolicited bits in previous times. I usually deal with my issues solo, but that can be equally bad or good, depending on the situation. Even when I do, I end up doing what I want anyway. Ah well.

    3. I grow and learn with each experience, most importantly about what I can, can't, and won't tolerate. These usually have to do with personalities & habits though, as opposed to superficial things.

    Whoops, gotta run.

  28. I'm generally the advise giver. I give damn good advice, because I am all about logic. I try to listen for the most part though, but some people want answers, and I can;t have people pinning there BS on me when they do the exact opposite of whats best.

    I only attract Pisces men, and for the life of me can;t figure out a way to dodge them. They're nice, but so damn sensitive and I'm just too blunt…but I think they're gluttons for punishment lol. I will cosign NO SCORPIOS…no no no. Stay away crazy bishes. *throws up crosses* I heart lira men but they get on my nerves. I haven't had the "privileged" to get to know a Leo man like that, but this Aquarius sure up for the challenge. 😉

    1. It only took me reading the first few sentences you were a fellow Aquarius…ha! It is all about the logic and rationality of what's going on. I too am the designated advice-giver in my circle.

      Also I 100% co-sign about the men… I have had the same issues! My ex was a Pisces….poor man, he couldn't hang with someone like myself.

    2. Can I get an example of a Pisces dude being "so damn sensitive." I know that's in the astrological sign manual or whatever and I see women say it, but I wanna know what this unbearable sensitivity is? I find it interesting.

      1. Well I have heard that Pisces tend to be very good at picking up on non-verbal clues. This can probably lead to others thinking they are sensitive. Not necessarily a bad thing.

        1. You might be on to something here. I think that's one of my strengths. I'm very observant and I notice a lot of details in actions, gestures, facial expression, etc. There have been plenty of times where I noticed something, asked a question, and got a sharp reply then eventually found out my "sensitivity" to nonverbal clues was correct.lol

      2. You are the last of the 12 signs…which means you have taken the qualities of all 12 and then some. It also makes you all very intuitive individuals, coupled with you all being a water sign and mutable you guys have your own set of issues, but yeah you guys are sensitive. Its a good thing when its good.You all are very giving and romantic. I dated a pisces, more like a HS sweetheart (he was a Que too lol).

  29. good post dude.

    1. i remember i considered dating a hood chick. that thought was quickly erased when i saw her beat up this chick in undergrad. like she molly-wopped her in the cafe. smh. never looked at her the same after that day.

    2. i think we all take things away from people we date. the good and bad. it's how we grow in terms of being able to deal with other people. i wouldn't automatically write a hood chick off based on my prior interaction with one but i would be wary of signs that we are incompatible. i don't care how good a chick looks. if i'm not feeling her personality it's only so far we're gonna make it.

    3. now that i think about every single one of my actual girlfriends has been a sorority chick. 3 deltas and a K. i don't know how i feel about that. perhaps i should see what the GDIs are talking about.

  30. Back 🙂

    Historically speaking, I don't think *reflective face* I'm one to hold a past relationships faults against the building of a new one. I will say that dating anyone 3 years my junior is getting the o__O from now on but that comes w/ wisdom. Lol. The likelihood of a man 3 yrs younger than me (at this point in my life) being able to provide what I need is a slim chance. Lol. Not saying it couldn't happen… just… yea.

    Other than that.. I don't hold any sign or group or college or height or race against a potential new luvah. It could be because none of my exes were a part of any major grouping that I could pin against them. I learned from each relationship… some I'm still trying to gather the major lessons learned on and add it to my chest of knowledge on myself, life & love.

      1. Kean University in NJ

        We have organizations there…it just really wasn't my thing. Never had any real interest in it. I remember my girls trying to get me to be a Kappa Sweetheart freshman year, I was like "no thanks".

        1. personally i’ve never been a fan of auxiliary organizations. (kappa sweethearts, omega pearls, alpha angels or whatever sigmas have) and i definitely don’t respect dudes that are sweethearts to sororities (delta gents, miakas, sigma rhomeos).

        2. @Mad

          Don't get me started on auxiliaries. They used to have a purpose but now…smh. MiAKAs are a whole different beast though. I loathe them and the AKAs that created them.

  31. I will be brave. I think I'm that friend. In my defense, they ask, and they can choose to take the advice or not.

    I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. However when you are the single friend who ALL the booed up chicks run to b*tching about their man did this, and their man did that, and "what should I do now?" You A. Hear the same scenarios over and over B. Give them the ol side eye like WTF is wrong with you? And C. Sometimes just need to say "he aint no good, girl, leave him alone!"

    Because let's face it, he aint no good, girl. Leave him alone. Sometimes.

    I've tried to be better about asking first "are you just venting or do you want my advice?" I don't want to listen to you whine, give you 538831579 solutions and you flip me off with "well I don't know…" Or "What do you know, ain't nobody asked you!"

  32. I'd say that I'm blessed to have friends that will talk me off the ledge when it comes to men and some of my shortcomings. They know that I can be quick for falling too deep or cutting someone off for minor offenses. I don't consult them for advice. It just so happens that I get into these situations with men that are laughable so there are plenty of stories. Many times I've dealt with dudes that weren't worthy of meeting my friends so they've been spared. What sometimes happens though, is people don't own up to their own issues and if you have yes men/women around you it feeds into your rosy colored vision of self. Most don't take an inward look at themselves and they project that negative energy onto their partners and then it all becomes a self fulfilled prophecy. I am enlightened and it took a long way to get there.

  33. Yes I'm tardy for this party, sorry to all. Only thing I have to say is: a Black/Latina combo is always a win in my book; and f*ck the Scorpio haters. If you're too weak to deal with us…step to the side.

    >:0[

  34. LMAO! I just wanna say, I love ur writing style. Please dont ever stop this blog. Your posts crack me up! (And yet are still insightful, the best 🙂 The names are always on point too 🙂

    D.

    By the way, Im a scorpio, we aint crazy, just dont cross us… lol

  35. "Yes I’m tardy for this party, sorry to all. Only thing I have to say is: a Black/Latina combo is always a win in my book; and f*ck the Scorpio haters. If you’re too weak to deal with us…step to the side."

    *Triple dap and salute*.

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