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You’re Never Getting Married

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You’re not going to marry him. Your “boo” who you’ve been in love with (off and on of course) will never get down on one knee and propose to you. Stop picking out colors. Stop writing letters to David Tutera, two homosexual rabbits in the state of California have a better chance of saying “I do” than you. It’s not because you aren’t sexy and smell good. It’s because you have issues that you don’t know are issues.  If you’re in long term relationship and have one of those gaudy Wet Seal costume jewelry rings on your ring finger instead of an engagement ring—one of these may be the reason…

REASONS YOU’RE NOT GETTING MARRIED:

Your Mama Is Busted: If you’re 22 with perky breasts and a phat booty and your moms is 42 and saggy everywhere —we notice that from jump. You know why men love younger girls, it’s because we get extra time before it all falls apart. We want the prettiest chicks, but that smooth skin and tight butt– it’s just a picture in time; the mother is the real test of what we’re going to end up with.



Of Babies and Baby Daddy’s: It’s not your fault you have a kid. I mean it is, but it’s not like you can abort at age 3 Just because you meet that Tight End who plays for the Falcons. Personally I would never hold having a kid against a woman unless the kid liked to wear lipstick and dress up in his mommy’s heels. My homeboy Homicide always calls me telling about new chicks, and he describes them like they’re the perfect women. I then say, what’s wrong with her that she’s 26, this great, and nobody’s snatched her up? He then tells me she has a kid. By the next month he’s hit it and split. Despite her having all of these positive traits, few are man enough to handle an already made family.

See Also:  Can I Get a Lap Dance?

Milk That Cow:  Men propose marriage all the time when they’re trying to smash, it’s called pacifying.  Davon telling you he wants to marry you while he’s gripping your butt at the club isn’t the same as you and Davon being in a relationship, him buying a ring, and getting down on one knee. A guy saying he wants to marry you is like somebody yelling “zombie”. Until you turn around and see a Zombie, there isn’t one. I’ve heard girls say countless time, “he wants to marry me”. Wants to and proposed are two different things.

Bad Reputation: You think moving from the West side of town to the North side of town is going to erase “the list” of boys you’ve let run up in—no ma’am. The more people you know in your town the harder it is to mess with a girl. I know, you’re not supposed to care, that’s the past—but how are you going to go shopping for Thanksgiving ingredients and the OG security guard is calling out to your wife “what up Ingrid, me and the fellas still watch that tape we made”?

He Doesn’t Know What He’s Got: So you’re a smart, ambitious, with a sexy mama, no kids, and the only freaky thing you did was with those guys at College 3000 miles away. You’re a keeper. So why isn’t he asking you to marry him? He’s been saying “I’m getting my money up” for nearly two years—it’s time to leave. Some ask how a bad chick can be over 30 and single. Easy, she wasted her 20’s on guys who wouldn’t fully commit. A 2 year relationship here, a 3 year relationship there, it adds up and you find yourself looking around at your friends who are boo’ed up asking, “why can’t I find a good one”?  I repeat LEAVE HIM! One’s man’s something is another man’s blah blah blah you know the cliché, and it’s true. It’s easy to say I love you, it’s just a sentence used to open legs even wider. Trust me, he doesn’t really love you until you’re walking around with that ring… or making the layaway payments on it.

Comment(112)

  1. You forgot "Scared". LOL

    I think that is the main reason men are not getting married…they are afraid of a lifetime commitment. They think they're going to lose something financially..

    All of these other things you mentioned are just EXCUSES.

    Good Post.

      1. Yeah, like Cole said (Martin), no man wants to miss the freak train that is coming any second now…

        I think they gave Cole that line because it was dumb.

    1. Don't forget men are afraid of the family courts, who rarely rule in the favor of men in the event of divorce.

      1. Already dooming the marriage before it starts. If a man is so scared of alimony or divorce, he should not run, but work harder on his part to make sure his marriage actually last.

        I hate when people use the forecast of a doomed marriage as a reason not to get married.

        This is what he is truly saying: well I know I am not going to act right, so I will be getting a divorce one day, so the court will not be fair to me….smdh.

        1. Who says he is the one that isn’t going to act right, or that he is the one not working to make the marriage last? If a woman decides she’s not in love anymore and wants to get a divorce, his acting right and hard work won’t make a bit of difference. See points 2, 3, and 4 of Animate’s post.

          There are reasons that they say marriage is not to be entered unadvisedly.

        2. Ummm, I was just responding to what YOU said Hugh.

          "Don’t forget men are afraid of the family courts, who rarely rule in the favor of men in the EVENT of divorce"

          That statement says that HE is worried already about the end before it even begins. Thoughts dictate your actions, therefore if he is going INTO the marriage with the thought that it is not going to work out, blah blah blah, his actions will be of a man that does not expect his marriage to work out.

          A self-fulfilled prophecy if you will.

        3. I was referring back to my original comment as well. A man is hesitant to be married because he isn’t sure if his girlfriend is serious about marriage, or is ready to make it work. Therefore he is worried that if he does get married, it won’t last and he’ll get looted by the courts. Saying it might not work is not a self-fulfilling prophecy, it’s called being realistic and not carelessly gambling with your emotional and financial future.

        4. "Saying it might not work is not a self-fulfilling prophecy, it’s called being realistic and not carelessly gambling with your emotional and financial future."

          How can you be THAT realistic about something that hasn't even happen yet? That reality sounds like it is based off everybody else's situation. Why is it even a gamble? Why is there even a NEGATIVE thought about it from the jump? In addition, why would he assume she isn't prepared or ready…sounds like a bunch of excuses to me.

          When you purchase a car/home, you do not go into it saying, well it may get repo'ed so I might as well not even buy it.

          When you go look for a job, you don't say, well I may not get so I might as well give up the search.

          Those things are a reality as well, right? Bad things are always a possibility, but you do not stop that from taking other risk! So if one can have a positive outlook on those things why not a marriage? Marriage is yet another investment of your time, money, and energy

    2. QueenT you know I love you like a play cousin but I have to disagree with you here. If a man is in love, the LAST thing on his mind (or should be on his mind) is fear. And if he is scared, it's definitely not monetarily based. I've heard this brought up by men and women before but it's usually single men and women. And honestly, it's usually broke single men and women. No one's trying to get at your $30,000 check Tyrone and no court is going to award the rims off your jacked up Cutlass.

      Of course, men do not get married out of fear. But if a man will not marry you out of fear that means he doesnt love you enough. I'm not saying he doesn't love you, he doesn't love you enough to overcome that fear. And love should make him overcome that. If not, you need to leave that dude alone. I'm going to speak more about that specifically in another comment.

    3. Beef Bacon: “How can you be THAT realistic about something that hasn’t even happen yet? That reality sounds like it is based off everybody else’s situation. Why is it even a gamble?”

      So you are saying if a man proposes, there is absolutely no chance that the woman would leave? If there is a chance, there is a gamble.

      “Why is there even a NEGATIVE thought about it from the jump? In addition, why would he assume she isn’t prepared or ready…sounds like a bunch of excuses to me.”

      Come on, you can’t be serious. If there were no "negative thoughts" and he thought for sure she was "prepared or ready", men would be marrying women after the first date. There is a chance it may not work. A man doesn’t need to be 100% certain, but he has to have enough reassurance to want to take a chance.

      “When you purchase a car/home, you do not go into it saying, well it may get repo’ed so I might as well not even buy it.”

      The analogy fails. A car being repossessed means you didn’t make the payments (man didn’t work for his marriage). A wife filing for divorce is like the car deciding it doesn’t want to drive the guy around anymore.

      “When you go look for a job, you don’t say, well I may not get so I might as well give up the search.”

      Better analogy, but doesn’t work. Most men have no income without a job. Men can easily receive just about everything a marriage has to offer without an actual marriage.

      “Those things are a reality as well, right? Bad things are always a possibility, but you do not stop that from taking other risk!”

      Of course bad things are possible, but that doesn’t mean you take dumb risks! Some people don’t buy health insurance because they are young and healthy, and figure it is unlikely they need it. But it’s crazy for a 70-year old on dialysis not to have any who could easily purchase it. As the axiom goes, nothing is certain except death and taxes. Any intelligent person weighs risk, and only proceeds if they believe reward outweighs risk. And you need some type of reassurance to do that.

      1. "A man doesn’t need to be 100% certain, but he has to have enough reassurance to want to take a chance."

        A man has to know for himself his own reason for wanting to make that woman his wife. That is an internal process that has nothing to do with the woman at all. So if during this internal process he is already assuming the worse, where is reassurance going to come from?

        "Come on, you can’t be serious. If there were no “negative thoughts” and he thought for sure she was “prepared or ready”, men would be marrying women after the first date."

        I call your bluff on this one! I think men truly don't marry because as you said– "Men can easily receive just about everything a marriage has to offer without an actual marriage"

        Back in the day, men married and married quickly because we gave them no other option. Today, some brothers look for any excuse to not settle down because the next one may be better than the one that is there

      2. Beef Bacon: “A man has to know for himself his own reason for wanting to make that woman his wife. That is an internal process that has nothing to do with the woman at all.”

        I agree 100%, but I’m not talking about why she is wife potential, I’m talking about if he is reassured that she will stick with him for better or worse.

        “So if during this internal process he is already assuming the worse, where is reassurance going to come from?”

        From putting in time and work in the dating process.

        “I call your bluff on this one! I think men truly don’t marry because as you said– “Men can easily receive just about everything a marriage has to offer without an actual marriage””

        You are absolutely correct, that is the number one reason most men doesn’t get married; huge risk, harsh penalties, little reward. I've asked numerous times for anyone to give me one good reason, excluding religious reasons, a man should get married, and never got a decent answer.

        However, here I’m talking about a man who wants to get married. There are negative thoughts because he hasn’t quite yet determined if this woman is worth giving the rest of his life to.

        “Back in the day, men married and married quickly because we gave them no other option.”

        This goes back to the point I made yesterday.

        Men have $ex with women they don’t intend to be with forever because women make it so easy to have $ex with them. Because so many women are giving it up after two or three dates (cause), men will spend more time playing the field because we can have $ex so easily with so many women (effect).

        1. It took a minute but we got there huh? It is funny how sometimes men and women are saying the same thing but it takes them like three times going back and forth to realize it…lol.

          I love that!

  2. Yeah I have heard all those things before. The sad thing is I look around me at all the people that got married and they are either divorced, separated or in a loveless marriage that is convenient. So in a way I am happy that I didn't jump into the pool with everyone.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate

    Tiffany.

    1. Tiffany made a valid point….I failed to mention that. Many did jump in the pool waaaaaay too fast and are divorced. Its some working on their third marriage.

    2. @ Tiffany

      I saw that too, but I also have 8 aunts/uncles with marraiges that are working…so I had to come to this conclusion:

      What you are seeing is people wanting instant and constant gratification. Today’s' world is fixated on everything being perfect all the time and marriage is not and never will be like that.

      What you are seeing is people failing to put in the work it takes to make a marriage work. The divorce numbers would significantly decrease if people weren't chasing dreams.

      What is an irreconcilable difference anyway?

      This is not to take away from the couples that should not be married. There are times when you have to let it go and move on.

      We have become so selfish that the greater good of the family no longer matters. It's all about me me me me me today. What can I do to make ME happy is the common thought and this attitude does not keep any relationship on track.

      1. Beef, I agree 100%, people don't realize how much hard work and humility it takes to make a marriage work. You can either be "right" or you can be married. It's the people who have to be right all of the time that get divorced.

        Face it, you are not always RIGHT! Listening, and *hearing* your partner are key elements to making a marriage work. Also, once you have children, it's not all about you anymore anyway. It's about working as a family, communicating and sectioning off time for yourself, your partner and your children…we all wear so many different hats.

        If a woman listens a man will let her know what he is looking for and what qualities he desires in a woman. Talk to him, listen and don't just get stuck on "Girl he's foine!" "Girl look at his body!" That will turn into, "Girl he f*'d me and never called me!" If you act base you will get treated in a base way.

        Also, if you listen, you might not like what he has to say, that's your perogative. Men are very honest…they don't even have to lie if they dont' respect you. It's up to women to actually listen and then take that information and process it correctly.

      2. I agree 100%….every marriage has its up and downs; it's not a walk in the park but it is up to both people to work through things and build a stronger bond through the difficulties they may face.

  3. Amen! I definitely wasted my 20's…a little bit of my 30's and now that I'm two yrs shy of 40 I have a very different outlook. I date more and leave earlier as –Steven J Dixon author of Men Don't Heal, We Ho– would say. Also, for the first time, the first time EVER in my dating life–I've had some damn good men and if I could turn back the hands of time I would–that I'm READY to be faithful—be a one man woman; fully commit. It wasn't always the man…..many times it was me. I could have been on my 20 yr anniversary or at least 10. Marriage proposals….none accepted. Young, Dumb, Foolish and full of cum!

    Things are turning around now that I know what I want, what I don't want and what I will not put up with it…..the dating is getting better and better.

  4. So I have been faithfully lurking this site for months and am just now commenting for the first time as I sit here recovering from surgery.

    While the above reasons leave me a little luke-warm, I do believe men who are ready mentally and emotionally for a lifetime commitment still put off communicating their desires because they do not feel that they are in a place in life where they can handle the resposibility of being the "man of the house." Whether it be finances, getting in a last few good times with the boys before the proverbial ball and chain, or even preparing themselves to be the type of father they want to be.

    Women have been playing house and Mommy since childhood with their toys and pets, learned from their mothers how to cook and maintain homes, and we just naturally have that desire to nurture engrained within. For men I think it takes a little more convincing and self preparation. There is no begging or nagging in the world that can change his mind before he is ready. And then begins the search for the right woman.

    Clearly this is a generalization because there are a million and a half reasons for why women are staying single for longer but its not too far for the truth for many either.

    1. na. when a guy is ready to get married he hunts. he will stalk you, be overzealous, be incredibly energetic. he will POUNCE. guys dont ever stop taking care of you or showing you hes ready when it comes to marriage so its up to the female to respond properly.

    2. “man of the house” …. thats a bit dramatic! If you consider the conditioning of women as home care providers then automatically you need to consider the role of the man as being conditioned as providers of the home. But those ideals are from the 50's. I believe in gender equality; we both take out the trash, we both cook ect. This is the 21st century at least I thought. You should consider the ratio of men to women, as there are more women to men. I often hear that there are so many lousy men but when you think about the ratio of 6:1 you have to question if there are more lousy women than good ones!

  5. i think its funny that guys can be this outrageously honest and females are still willing to talk to them.

    LADIES PAY ATTENTION!!!! if he wont marry the cute in the face girl that sleeps around or he sleeps around *with* than who WILL he marry?

    lets work backwards and see:

    "your momma is busted…your momma is 42 and is saggy everywhere"

    so dont worry about what you look like now bc focusing on appearances = makes you a transparent ho. i say look regular while youre young so youll draw in guys that care about your personality and who you are as a person then when you get older and start sagging, get sexy. work out. put in the effort to look good.

    "i mean it is…your fault you have a kid"

    keep your legs closed bc guys dont wanna marry someone who has proof theyre a loose whore. guys marry whos shown responsibility with their wombs and have kept the physicalities to a minimum.

    "a guy saying he wants to marry you is like someone yelling zombie…there isnt one" (LMAO!)

    guys will say anything to play you so its called spitting game. go for the ones who ACT on their feelings with few words, maybe a comment or two about what theyre up to just to clarify and communicate intentions, but who spend majority of their time *showing* how they feel. males are action oriented communicators. if he wants to marry you he will ACT like it, not continuously tell you that to make you comfy letting him smash.

    paraphrase: if all the guys at the mall and grocery store know you no guy can be proud of you as a wife.

    no guy is gonna walk to the corner store with you if he knows the whole block will be reminiscing. know how to be a woman. fill out the traditional role. know how to take care of his deeper needs. know how to support and encourage him. know how to move his life forward. be that girl who has the rep for being untouchable.

    "she wasted her 20s on guys who wont commit"

    VERY important. quit wasting your time on these failed ass relationships that are centered around sheets and victorias secret…that got out when she showed her ass to millions of men. no one wants to wife that bc it isnt special or exclusive. spend your twenties getting to know yourself and your role as a male or female and youll BE the exclusive. its rare to know who you are. its uncommon to be self confident. ppl are drawn to such individuals so be one.

    simply put…no one cares if youre pretty now esp. if youre a ho or you have kids and everyone knows that about you. guys are going to marry the regular chick who kept her legs closed, has a rep as a good girl bc she knows how to handle her business in life, and who will only submit herself to the one who acts like he knows what time it is when she comes around.

    1. Okay lets add some more realistic reasons to the list. (Not saying that those listed aren't real just a bit more superficial.

      1. You have a "plan". By this I mean you want to be married by 23, have kids by 25, get your MBA at 24 1/2, 2nd kid by 29, move to a better community by 31, etc. There is nothing wrong with have a plan but being too focused on them is what gets you in trouble.

      2. You aren't ready to be married. Really you just say you are ready get married. Your guy will know when you are ready TRUST ME.

      3. Marriage is a fairy tale to you. You think all the happy ending stuff is reality somewhat. Not saying that you shouldn't want to be happy but be grounded in reality.

      4. You just want to be engaged, not married OR you want to be married but not a wife. Essentially you just want some fancy title but not what comes with it.

      I left out the usual reasons because often times that isn't the reason when it comes to the guy but its something much deeper. Men and women look at marriage from different dimensions. When those dimensions line up thats when you have to pay attention. And that is a convo for another day that will probably go on in the comments lol

      Happy Friday everyone.

  6. For the women that want to get married, I think these are the real reasons you aren't getting married:

    1. Staying in a situation/relationship that was never heading in the marriage direction in the first place.

    2. Staying with a man that tells you one thing yet does another. Actions really do speak louder.

    3. Staying with a man while trying to convince him you are the one he should marry.

    Those are the only reasons why women are not getting married. I observe this happening too often in the 25+ crowd. Women claim to want a husband yet keep allowing themselves to be in a situation that will not produce the desired results.

    1. I agree, especially with the last one. That's an easy trap women fall into. And for men too, trying to convince himself she's the one, or if he's ready. Funny how that internal fight happens between two..

  7. So, this started a lil' brash but I've come to expect that from you, NC17. And by the end, I wanted to forward this to a friend w/ the Milk that Cow & He Doesn't Know What He's Got sections highlighted.

  8. "she wasted her 20’s on guys who wouldn’t fully commit. A 2 year relationship here, a 3 year relationship there, it adds up " <—This is me all day! I have people tell me you are a beautiful woman and your 32 and you look like your 24.Why are you not married? I am not married because of the choices I made. I am glad I didn't jump the broom.I took the time I needed to learn myself and what's good for me. Friends and family will put pressure on you for what they want for you. You have to stay focus on who will be the best person for you. I am a ready made family, with three beautiful kids. And men don't care they want the whole package. But, the beauty about being in a relationship at a young age.You get all the bullsheet out the way. Now, I can let a man be a man and love him as is and not just what I to see. And all the Drama I want to make is in between the sheets. I am happy with my life. It feels good to be in control the right way. I don't date, I communicate. Players hate, because they hate to be late.Real people don't have to play games with love. They will just love you!

  9. "Despite her having all of these positive traits, few are man enough to handle an already made family."

    Sad BUT True.

    Buuuut

    I have seen in some cases depending on how the ready made family came to be, the man did marry the woman.

    It's all Circumstantial

  10. Okay lets add some more realistic reasons to the list. (Not saying that those listed aren’t real just a bit more superficial.

    1. You have a “plan”. By this I mean you want to be married by 23, have kids by 25, get your MBA at 24 1/2, 2nd kid by 29, move to a better community by 31, etc. There is nothing wrong with have a plan but being too focused on them is what gets you in trouble.

    2. You aren’t ready to be married. Really you just say you are ready get married. Your guy will know when you are ready TRUST ME.

    3. Marriage is a fairy tale to you. You think all the happy ending stuff is reality somewhat. Not saying that you shouldn’t want to be happy but be grounded in reality.

    4. You just want to be engaged, not married OR you want to be married but not a wife. Essentially you just want some fancy title but not what comes with it.

    I left out the usual reasons because often times that isn’t the reason when it comes to the guy but its something much deeper. Men and women look at marriage from different dimensions. When those dimensions line up thats when you have to pay attention. And that is a convo for another day that will probably go on in the comments lol

    Happy Friday everyone.

    1. "2. You aren’t ready to be married. Really you just say you are ready get married. Your guy will know when you are ready TRUST ME."

      Would you elaborate on this point?

      1. I see women that want to act single yet claim to want to be married. Why is everything about you? When does it transition to we? A lot of time its "I'm going out with my girls" instead of "lets go to a nice dinner at xyz".

        Lets not even mention the more ballsy women that put out ultimatums with little of their personal self invested.

        Basic rule with me: Play the position you strive to be in. If you don't treat me like a husband why should I make you my wife?

        1. do you think if women were more personally invested in a relationship there would even be a need for an ultimatum? like if she was legit handling her business and making him feel like he was a definite husband would he even need to be given a "make it official or im out" speech?

        2. HOLE UP Animate. I ain't treating you like jack until you make me your wife. So if becoming your wife depends on how I PLAY wife to you before we get married…find another sucka.

          And yes, I can go out with my girls. Why I gotta be up under you all the time?

          Why should a woman give up her single status before a man has proven and shown his commitment with an actual marriage? Too many women are acting and playing wife positions to their detriment already; only to end up not being a wife.

        3. @ beef

          iuno about that one. i used to be that way "im not doing jack for you until were married!" and he was pretty much like "were we married when i courted you?"

          "….."

          if youre genuinely in a situation that will lead to forever the guy goes all in off the bat on the assumption youll love him enough to respond. if you show him that same dedication he can be confident and secure going into a lifetime committment with you. that way both sides have a positive outlook on the situation bc they have reason to know it will work.

        4. @merry

          If both parties are handling their biz that convo shouldn't be necessary. Each relationship will hit that point at different times.

          @Beef

          What I'm saying is that you have to shift focus at some point. If one party(lets say the man) is putting their all in and the other isn't (the woman in this case) why should she be wifed up? As far as going out with your friends go it should be a compromise. Go out and have fun without me feeling like I'm unimportant after its all said and done.

          I think too many people try to protect themselves too much in relationships. The mentality of "I'm not doing nothing until they show me something" leads to constant back and forth of one party being selfish. I think that if you want to be with someone treat them that way continually. If they don't appreciate it you know your options.

        5. @ Merry…

          Isn't it obvious that is does not work out like that for most though?

          Don't you see too many women giving, giving, and giving all too still not become the wife? Is that not the most common compliant you hear from women? Maybe I live in a different world.

          Your situation is an exception to the rule today. I am not saying that woman should protect herself to the point of self-destruction; I am saying that I am not investing all of my time, energy, and money in a man that has yet to even propose.

          A wife is a wife for a reason. A girlfriend is a gf for a reason. Those positions each have different descriptions, they are not interchangeable, and we see this daily.

          Isn't this the common fail today for women?

        6. @ Animate

          I don't think women protect themselves enough if you ask me.

          As far as going out, of course this is to be done in moderation. However, I am not changing up my going out habits for a dude I am dating either.

          Losing and changing yourself for a man that isn't your husband yet is desperate. This only creates bitterness.

          After I was engaged, I automatically began to feel as if I needed to change certain things. Before that, I was still single me because until he showed his intentions I WAS SINGLE.

        7. @Beef

          *in my Allen Iverson voice* We talking bout marriage!

          I wouldn't expect you to change your habits for someone you are dating i.e. NOT in a relationship with. I bet your habits changed once you got in that relationship though, pre-engagement. You made that transition whether you want to realize/admit it or not. Any man worth his weight doesn't want or ask that you change who you are for the relationship.

          I think our difference is that I don't think there should be some dramatic change when people get married. To me it sounds like you had an "Oh shit he is serious about this let me get myself together" moment. I don't think it should come to that point. Constantly having to prove yourself to the person you are with will eventually leave them feeling unloved.

        8. @ beef

          honestly…until you just said that i was completely oblivious to the fact that that most ppl dont get married like that. i mean, of course i think what we have is special but i guess it really is like a high caliber, exception to the rule kind of relationship. so no. it wasnt obvious at all to me lol.

          i get what youre saying though and i agree. a lot of times females are the ones giving excessively to males thinking if they go all in up front hell give her a ring. that isnt the case. that means youre easy. i think girls just need to know how to handle themselves properly and learn how to keep themselves a little more closed off to make themselves a challenge.

          doing that leads to marriage and at that point thats when it needs to be the female considering the males pov and showing him hell get what he needs out of the union as well.

        9. "I bet your habits changed once you got in that relationship though, pre-engagement. "

          There really was not much to change. I was already settled down from the club scene but I still went out at least once a month, I was working on my degree, I was not dating other dudes (in the area). Other than me dropping the out of town dudes, he had to take me as I was.

          I guess that is what you meant about a man knowing if you are ready—I am sure he took those things into consideration. However, I was leaving my options open pre-engagement though.

        10. My mother always said DON'T act like a wife until you ARE a wife. If you want s*x, home-cooked meals, fresh laundry, a clean house, companion, etc. PLEASE believe you will have to marry me first…HE DID and almost 5 years later, he gets that and more 🙂

    2. – wow. the whole "having a plan" is a new one to me. i didnt have a plan until AFTER the fact when i had to pursue *him*. when i courted him i started picking up on what he wanted out of life so i kind of just took his identity, chased it with my ambition and came up with a gameplan for the rest of our lives. had i had one beforehand i wouldnt have needed to include him in it.

      – i agree. i think men know when girls have made the transition into women by their behavior, attitude, and approach. as a girl i realized i was being courted by a man by those things so i assume it went the same way for him.

      – girls want to be wifey bc theyre attractive and play video games and fix tv dinners. his WIFE knows how to cook, clean, raise kids, teach, manage his finances, handle his affairs, maintain the household, submit, be respectful, develop his character AND get on top when hes tired. most girls arent ready for all of that or even know how to be.

  11. I think this is the second time I've ever posted a comment since signing up to this site as well. However, I'm glad to see a variety of opinions/conclusions on the "daily word". It appears that people are being honest and sincere. Taking responsibility! Go sista's and brutha's!! Working to get the black love black! Communication, Respect, Understanding, Stability, Honesty etc

  12. uh-boy…it's sad but this "rings" true (no pun intended) of a girlfriend of mine…I posted – using NO names, of course – cuz I need her to STOP, LOOK AND READ…dammit!

  13. I love this post, it speaks, truth, but one thing I don't agree with is "your momma is busted"… just because moms let her self go doesn't mean that we're going to end up looking like a reflection of her…

    I know my moms is busted, she let her self go after my little brother, and mom was bad, (I have a picture of her when she was 23 and a picture of myself when I was 16, and we're wearing eerily similar clothing, same pose, and people think that my mom looks WAY better than me), but she let the excuses and being an "at home mom" get to her, plus she's Messikan, so all that good fat food got to her.. but that's not me. I made myself a promise that I wouldn't be my mom's mirror, and I've told her this to her face. I don't want to have the health problem she has, my family is obese and I'm not going to go the same route as they are… so for a man to take that as the sole purpose as to why he's not dropping to his knee and proposing is straight dumb and stupid and he needs to rethink his commitment, does he really love her for who she is knowing that she won't let her self go or does he only love her now because she look bad?

  14. Good write-up NC 17.

    To Animate's point above, this list is superficial but I don't think it's surprising to anyone that men are superficial especially when compared to women, because they are. There's nothing wrong with this, to me it's just the way things are. People will disagree with me and that's there prerogative but I will always think men are more superficial than women, even if some men – as well they should be – are superficial AND selective in their choices beyond the superficial. Meaning some men will get a fine woman and stop there. Whereas the smarter man will look for the fine woman WITH a degree, no kids, career, etc than can help him in areas beyond the bedroom.

    No to the post, I think the most important and overlooked point is the last paragraph.

    He Doesn’t Know What He’s Got

    I touched on this a thousand times and at least two times on this very site in my Why Men Do and Don't Commit posts. In at least one of those I advocated for the 'ultimatum' and men and women alike jumped on my head. lol

    The fact that men jumped on my head tells me I was right as hell and it was a clear #manlaw violation. The fact that women jumped on my head tells me why this paragraph is so true.

    Women, if they choose, can hide under the guise of courtship and 'the way it's suppose to be' if they want and wait around for a man to dictate their lives (relationship wise) if they want. That's one strategy but if you really want to know I firmly suggest you ask. And if he doesnt answer correctly, you leave. Men all up and down this website can get mad at me if they want but every man knows deep down inside if she left and he really wanted her, he'd go after her. Period.

    I find women do not ask this question because they are either unsure or scared of what the answer might be. Those they sit around waiting on the prospect that one day he might up and change for you, which he very well might even if it's very doubtful, and commit. In my opinion, that's a poor strategy for anyone to have and I personally never would.

    But who am I.

    1. i took the superficial nature to be a blatant address to girls who depend on superficial things to maintain a relationship. kind of like checking someone to prepare them for the discussion of deeper things.

      like an attention grabber. "pay attention, respect me, im about to teach you something" kind of thing.

    2. I beg to differ on the men being more superficial than women, but that's not the discussion.

      I would argue that men analyze marriage far more in detail and planning than women do. We are looking at a cost-benefit analysis, future planning, sizing you and the competition, internally battling our primal instincts and developing a level of confidence to make a decision for (hopefully)the rest of our lives.

      You will be defined by that woman, responsible for health and well-being and judged by peers on how you handle situations and when they don't work, its your fault. You become the protector, the rock, the leader of a family and are no longer looked in society as a man, but a Husband. That's alot for man to decide, let alone 20-sumthins developing a career and still finding themselves.

      Men think ALOT before he chooses the one, if you are not being asked, it may be because you aren't as great as you think you are.

      1. "Men think ALOT before he chooses the one, if you are not being asked, it may be because you aren’t as great as you think you are"

        That is mean DeKeLa. Is could just be that she is not the wife for him.

        I had a guy tell me that this FwB was awesome; she cooked him meals, would give him heezy while he ate and did everything to please him, yet, he didn't want to be with her.

        It seems to me that the women are going about this wrong. That giving a man everything he wants is not the way to his heart.

        I have always wondered if men feel safer with women that actually require him to be better than he was at first. I mean, is it fair to say that men actually want a women to EXPECT him to be his best as opposed to just trying to keep him?

        1. DeKeLa: I agree.

          “Men think ALOT before he chooses the one, if you are not being asked, it may be because you aren’t as great as you think you are”

          Beef Bacon: I disagree that the above quote is mean. I think it's honest. It also seems to be in line with what you said later in your comment.

          I believe there is someone for everyone but that someone might not be the one you thought it would be. It's that whole Luther Vandross "if you cant love the one you want love the one you're with" — not that I agree wholeheartedly with that quote. Instead, what I'm saying is people need to know when to call it quits, fold, GIVE UP, lol on a relationship instead of holding on to the maybes, the prospects and the fantasies until you're old and gray and flabby and no one wants your ass.

          This goes for men and women.

      2. WOW! that made me blush. you know my strategy for courtship?

        – whats a cost effective way for him to pay for a house and living expenses?

        – this is the game plan to make him the most successful man in the world.

        – make an exclusive offer and what else is really gonna be put on his table that competes with me?

        – oversaturate his mind with how perfect he is at taking care of me, how hes the baddest man on the planet, that he can do anything which is why hell get it whenever, however, wherever.

        "baby we need to talk…."

    3. "those that sit around waiting for the prospect that he might up and change for you…thats a poor strategy"

      what kind of situation would lead up to that point? is that like a relationship where the guy has always been slacking and the female is doing most of the work then she waits? is it one where the guy does all the work, the female does an equal amount, and then she waits? what kind of dynamics lead up to that that make it such a poor strategy?

      1. merry e-life: "what kind of situation would lead up to that point? is that like a relationship where the guy has always been slacking and the female is doing most of the work then she waits? is it one where the guy does all the work, the female does an equal amount, and then she waits? what kind of dynamics lead up to that that make it such a poor strategy?"

        It can be all those things. As I said to Beef Bacon above, it's all about what you want to invest in a relationship and people need to "get out" if their investment is not getting the proper return. It's like people with the stock market. You sit there and watch a stock that might have had potential before – profit even – drop and drop and you sit around twiddling your thumbs hoping and praying it'll go back up simply because you've made an investment in it and it USE to be a hot commodity.

        Then when you're broke and worthless and cant invest anymore you blame the stock instead of yourself for being more responsible or culpable in the final outcome. Thus, that's why I called it a "poor strategy."

        You have to be more active. Yes, you have to take risks but they should be within reason. When you are no longer getting the payout or result you deserve – unless you're married which is a different discussion – you need to get the hell out of there. Not wait around silent waiting for things to improve off a whim or a hunch.

        As far as what men want? Hell if I know. I'm a man and I don't even know that otherwise I'd be married myself. I will say, when a man DOES want something there's usually no confusion. Career, car, women, or whatever and he will pursue it accordingly. If you're one of these women of the "I dont know if he likes me" and "I'll just wait and see what happens" mentality that's exactly what is going to happen. I was discussing on Twitter yesterday about how I've NEVER initiated a relationship because really I don't need the title. It's always started by a "where is this going" conversation by the woman and if I like her enough, we end up in a relationship.

        This either means 1) I've never met the right woman (women feel comfortable saying that BS phrase so I thought I'd get it out the way) or 2) If women want to know what's up with a man they are dealing with THEY NEED TO ASK THAT MAN and if he does not answer correctly, I'd say this a 1000 and 1 times, LEAVE!

        Every single man on this website and beyond has friendgirls that ask them about men and the answer is always some variation of "you need to leave that guy alone" – the smart ones do. The other ones end up in these pseudo non-relationship relationships that stretch over years and years with no real point or direction before reaching the same conclusion we told them from jump street.

        – end scene –

        Shameless plug: I wrote a new blog today.

        *shrugs and walks off*

  15. Big ups to NC-17 and Animate.

    Let me inform you women of something. When a guy starts to consider marriage as a long term goal for himself, he becomes very observant of your appearance, actions, interactions with family, temperament, cleanliness, and most importantly who he becomes when around you. Even if he's not in a relationship, he'll still be observant of the women around him. He'll also be observant of himself. Personally, when I crossed over (into the I would like to be married at some point stage), I started looking at how I react to things. Women will say whatever is on their mind, but a man's reaction will determine how that situation continues.

    Clearly, the above can be applied to any gender combination, but since we're talking about men wanting to marry…

    1. i love this comment bc now it opens the door to discuss why men DO decide to marry. of course i cant be like "this is why a man marries!" bc im clearly not a man, from personal pov from the experience though id say:

      1. hes excited over a female in a 'she understands me' kind of way. he knows that she can see the good in him above anything and everything else and will love him for it. this is learned in the friendship stage.

      2. he sees the potential in her that she will learn how to take care of him and fulfill his needs if he shows her that he is worthy of such dedication by doing it for her first. i believe thats why men are so persistent when it comes to lifelong committments.

      3. after playing cat and mouse she finally decides to give him what he needs and desires. shes learned how to handle him, his life, and his business and shes proved that shes dedicated to filling out that role in his life bc she genuinely cares about him.

      overall i think men need to have a women care about them as human beings. theyre not outwardly emotional or expressive but they have feelings. women need to love, understand, cater to, and be sensitive to the needs of a man.

      (and this is not at all referring to these ridiculous dating scenarios between boys and girls, guys and chicks)

      1. I can only speak for myself but some other guys may not agree.

        Firstly, Asking "What makes a guy want to marry?" is a loaded question. Marriage is an institution finalized by a belief system. However, given the dynamics of how current American society came to be, certain belief systems have a dominate cultural influence. So I use, "marriage" and "marry" not in the ceremonial sense (though I wouldn't argue against a ceremony). But equal to "life partner" for those outside of the Christian, Islamic, etc.. belief systems. Besides, it makes it easier to talk about.

        When I decided that I wanted to "marry," I wasn't involved with anyone. I wasn't dating anyone. Just solo dolo. Maybe you mean what it takes for a man to want to marry a specific woman? Well, you would have to ask that man in reference to that woman…

        I never had to "decide" to marry because for me, I always (as a young adult) wanted to eventually have a life long partner. But there was a point where I decided that it as a long term goal was realistic and obtainable. Contrast to young females that wish that call themselves pursuing marriage when it's neither realistic or obtainable. To drive my epiphany wasn't anything profound… But I felt I was at a point where I had the resources and potential to be the best husband and father. It was a reflection of my own progress of the years. More like, "I think I'm good now…" Also this is key: I changed up how I viewed relationships. Many times guys are afraid of commitment because they internalize it as being committed without an end -> having to accept all situations regardless. They say they feel like they'll be "stuck" with that person because internally they feel they'll be stuck with the same person forever. In other words, not seeing it as a preparation for something more permanent or a time of personal development. I know it sounds ridic… but I call it the forever bug. When I got over it I had to think aloud: "Even if I'm serious with this chick, I don't have to stay with her if I'm not ready for marriage. I can break up with her if things aren't right." Simple huh? Keep in mind the cultural pressure placed upon a man. Basically, if you're in a relationship and you love each other, there's pressure to marry her-> period. Not even internal pressure, the pressure is EXTERNAL.

        So deciding the marriage is realistic? I decided to ignore society's expectations and focus on the expectations I have for myself, for my legacy.

        Disclaimer: May not apply to any other man on this Earth.

        1. "So I use, “marriage” and “marry” not in the ceremonial sense…But equal to “life partner” for those outside of the Christian, Islamic, etc.. belief systems."

          – i think that's where were gonna run into differences bc IM speaking about marriage in the biblical, traditional sense of the word. not FwB putting up "married" as their status on facebook.

          "Maybe you mean what it takes for a man to want to marry a specific woman? Well, you would have to ask that man in reference to that woman…"

          – so you think stepping into a legit marriage is subjective. a case by case kind of thing and the dynamics of that relationship are what decides when each party is married. i can dig it.

          "So deciding the marriage is realistic? I decided to ignore society’s expectations and focus on the expectations I have for myself, for my legacy."

          theres two things i want to say about the second half of your comment leading up to that.

          – it sounds like youre a little iffy on the whole marriage thing bc it seems like a permanent relationship that isnt really that significant to you as a person. and even if you do like a person society pressures you to marry her regardless of if youre ready, or sure, or confident that its a good idea. if that's the case i agree with you. going into something that substantial should be something youre completely comfortable and relaxed about because your absolutely positive its the best for you bc internally, that how YOU feel.

          – when i went into marriage i went in with the intent to create a legacy for us as a couple. i figured if im gonna be with this person for the rest of my life theres no way out, were stuck together in mind, body, and spirit for the rest of our lives we might as well have fun! i put together the most exciting, fulfilling, adventerous life i could think of bc my thought was whats there to be afraid of or doubt if "forever" means "fulfilling, passionate life until the end of our days". lets be courageous and do something great was my approach to him. as a man what do you want *your* legacy to be?

        2. @merry,

          The institution of marriage, as we know it is based on the Bible. However, the concept of marriage is agnostic to belief system. Not saying one shouldn't involve their belief system when taking that step, but the word "marriage" even though, in America implies some Biblical aspect, it really is belief system agnostic. Hence people of many belief systems and mixed systems marry.

          I was attempting to make my POV clear, one being from a non-christian in America.

          it sounds like youre a little iffy on the whole marriage thing bc it seems like a permanent relationship that isnt really that significant to you as a person. […]

          I'm not iffy at all. I was describing the mentality of a young man. I no longer see things like that.

          as a man what do you want *your* legacy to be?

          Aside from in my own way taking over the world? lol I want my children to be great in their own ways. I want to be a father of well raised children. I want them to exist as an extension of myself manifested in which ever way they see fit. They will be themselves: parts of myself I couldn't be by myself. But I could be with the union with my wife. Regardless of who she turns out to be, she will be great.

        3. "I was attempting to make my POV clear, one being from a non-christian in America."

          oh! youre not a christian. that explains a lot, lol. well i dont wanna get into a theological debate so as far as the whole defining marriage thing it is what it is. im curious though. how do you form your opinions and beliefs if youre not a religious person? are you spiritual? does it come from personal experience or your exposure to the world? where do you draw personal belief systems from?

          "Aside from in my own way taking over the world?"

          you know, a lot of ppl say that in jest but when i say stuff like that i mean it literally. war strategy and everything its just hard to talk your husband into literally taking over the world…

          from the female perspective if a man told me that (which he did, smh) id be the one that would actually hand him a legit plan to do it. do you really mean that? cuz ill remember you when we get to the top and ill give you a country or something.

          "Regardless of who she turns out to be, she will be great."

          that entire last paragraph was (the sexiest thing ive ever read on this blog) was the most self confident declaration ive ever read on this blog but *that* was just amazing. WOW.

        4. MeteorMan: "The institution of marriage, as we know it is based on the Bible. However, the concept of marriage is agnostic to belief system. Not saying one shouldn’t involve their belief system when taking that step, but the word “marriage” even though, in America implies some Biblical aspect, it really is belief system agnostic. Hence people of many belief systems and mixed systems marry."

          And this is exactly why I think it is absolutely retarded for someone that isn't religious to get married. Christians have an obligation to God, but if you don't believe or acknowledge Him, what's the point of entering a legal contract that will punish you with alimony and take your children away if the contract is breached?

    2. "When a guy starts to consider marriage as a long term goal for himself, he becomes very observant of your appearance, actions, interactions with family, temperament, cleanliness, and most importantly who he becomes when around you"

      I love this!!

      1. Nah, I have a full-time day job that requires me to actually do work.lol. By the time I'm free (night time), the dialogue is typically dead so I don't bother saying too much. I do read the comments and such though.

        1. k. (if you do want to talk im sure theres an open ear around here somewhere) ill just let you get back to work since youre cool.

    1. -smirking-

      have something to say young bucks? either one of you?

      (waving hand in welcoming manner)

      by all means. if you have something to get off your chest lets hear it.

      ill wait.

  16. I strongly disagree with using a mother to judge the daughter's future looks.

    What if she gets the good genes from her dad's side of the family? What if she'll take better care of her body than her mom did?

    OK back to lurking 🙂

    1. I must agree with Johnny because times are different now. I'm from the south and granted we eat very well lol but good health is a major issue. Grandparents aren't really just making those big Sunday dinners with all the high cholesterol, heart disease, and diabetes mixed in anymore. I see women of all ages making strides towards better health and maintaining their figures. So just because a girls mom let herself go does not necessarily mean the daughter will too. I would just hate for a guy to write me off after meeting my mother because I strive to look waaaaaaaay better than her as I age. I'll be like a fine wine baby, only getting better with time!!!

  17. It's real tragic when you meet a woman and you just know, she's never getting married. It's even more tragic when you meet a woman and you shake your head because she is married, I feel sorry for that guy.

    In other news, i'm destined and tasked with proving my boy Dizza wrong who tells me the shelf life of Latinas is horrible. So on the low, I peep shorties moms to figure it out.

    Darlene Ortiz… that name doesn't mean much to a lot of you, but Ice T did that girl dirty man! He was with her for over 10 years! Always talking about, I don't believe in the concept of marriage, I don't need to get married, we live together, she's the mother of my child, what's the point? Then they broke up and he married a white woman. That's got to burn like Usher and Ron Mexico.. at the same time.

    1. Dr. J….

      I know at least 10 women living her life as we type. How is he doing her dirty…he told her what he felt…ABOUT HER at least.

      I have a rule…when men say… I don't do…. put with you at the end and that pretty much sums it up.

      I don't want to get married with you

      I don't do oral chex with you

      I don't buy women things (translation:I ain't buying YOU anything)

      1. My badd.. I lost my train of thought.

        What I really wanted to say was that she had nobody to blame BUT herself, she made it too easy for him NOT to put a ring on it, he had all the perks of having a wife without the legal documentation/contract binding him to her.

        Why you playing Mrs. soNso (maid/chef/love-slave/therapist/personal assistant, etc.)?

        THAT'S JUST DUMB!!!!!

        Same goes for Hugh and Holly

      2. Darlene Ortiz…That Power album cover is classic!

        GirlSixx: Yes, Coco is white, even though she has plenty of backside, there isn't a drop of black or Latin blood in her.

        And for a second, I read your post and wondered who is this Holly chick I've supposedly messed around with.

    2. im sure with enough practice you could have a woman just like her someday. as for now shed probably look at you, laugh and keep walking.

      try not to lose your breath watching her though. just grow up and youll be more confident in her presence.

  18. I'm gonna throw my business out there and say this:

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years, we have 1 child, and we are not married. I'll give you a min. 🙂 Now let me tell you why this is. I met him young, at 19. Because we met each other young, we did alot of arguing and spent the first 2 years of our relationship on some Whitney and Bobby sh*t. Then things got great, I got pregnant, we moved in together and were happy….too happy. I did everything that a wife did but I wasn't his wife. We talked about it but he never officially proposed. He had a really bad childhood and dysfunctional parents so I wondered if that was his fear. Everyone and their mama told me to leave him. So 8 years and a child later, I left. I didn't give an ultimatum because i was above that. He was hurt and then proposed but I was angry it took all that so I declined. Not dealing with it well and a car accident later, he moved 300 miles away. I missed him so much and completely regreted saying no and leaving in the first place. I did what others told me I should do/feel. Our relationship wasn't that bad. Last month I decided to rekindle and now we're together and rebuilding.

    My point is: EVERYONE has a theory and an opinion on the marriage subject and timeline. If he's with you for more than 5 years, get married. If you have a kid, get married. If he loves you, he'll marry you. Truth is, every situation is different. Sometimes sh*t happens, people get complacent, maybe their parents had an abusive marriage and they're scared, etc. Talk to your partner. If marriage is something that you want but you aren't getting there, seek counseling, lay issues on the table and BE REAL with each other. Don't let anyone tell you what you should do. Follow your heart. Truth is, married or not, people are miserable, cheating, etc and the numbers prove it so instead of focusing on a ring…focus on the quality of your relationship.

    1. In my opinion, you're already married. People look at the "making it official" stuff and forget that the marriage is really a relationship/lifestyle. "Marriage" has a stigma. But take the stigma away and you have two people committed to a way of life together. Making it "official" is just for tax purposes and to make everyone involved FEEL secure, some illusion of permanency.

      1. you know, in some states theres laws that protect ppl if theyre in relationships like that and something happens where one party commits a crime under the assumption theyre married. its bc its defined as the lifestyle two ppl are living.

        personally, i follow the standards of marriage from a biblical perspective and bc of that WE never actually got married. no courts, no church, no documentation. i didnt want ppl in our business so i told him lets do it african style and it was just like….tribal type stuff.

        -shrug-

        (but i guess thats still an official ceremony so nvm)

      2. I see where you're going with this and I kinda understand, but that piece of paper is more than tax purposes and piece of mind. It's a legal binding contract upheld in the USA and most parts outside of it. Let's face it — would you consider mingling your finances and/or buying a home or making any astronomical purchase with someone you aren't married to? I wouldn't. I'm sorry, but that's just me. *shrug*

    2. I'm really glad you posted this. I think people really need to not be worried about other people's relationships. If your relationship works for you then go at it 100% and don't worry about what people may think.

      My fiance's brother got married in 06 or so, he and his wife had a 10 year old by that point and had been together since they were in high school. Thats easily a 15+ relationship yet one of my fiance's biggest fears was not becoming her sister in law. I'm thinking to myself "why wouldn't you want a long term relationship with a man that is dedicated to you and you all's family?" I get wanting a level of reassurance but you have to be comfortable in your relationship and say screw what the world thinks.

    3. You're absolutely right. All of these "rules" sound great, but they're not real. No one knows the truth about a relationship except the two people in it. It can be lonely at times, but you have to follow the path that's right for you.

      And I find it ridiculous that the article's author states that most men aren't "man" enough to marry a woman who already has a child and are considered a saint if they do. But a single woman with a child is considered baggage, even if she's an amazing Mom. And a single father who actually raises his child is treated like a hero and a great catch for any woman!

      I have a child and am single. I'm amazed at the number of people who, without knowing me, assume that I must have been jilted by a guy or made a sexual "mistake." It's really ugly the way people think. And even if I had, so what! People are not perfect machines. I have found only a handful of friends who don't buy into the stereotypes.

  19. I had to scroll to the bottom to see who wrote it after reading the first couple of paragraphs. I must have a morbid since of humor because I was laughing at a few parts of this article. As far as marriage goes I'm 22 soooo I'm not thinking about it at all. I can't really contribute to this one. I can't even imagine what it would feel like to want to be with one person for the rest of your life! Just the thought of marriage makes me feel claustrophobic…but to everyone that can pull it off, it's a beautiful thing. Marriage ain't for everybody.

    1. i was like that when i was younger. at first it was 'i will never be with one person for the rest of my life'.

      i figured id just date a different guy at each stage of my life bc i figured no one would be able to keep up with my learning curve, id get bored and the guy would be useless to me once i matured.

      after i met my superior/equal/alpha i got mad scared. i didnt want to be married. i didnt want to be with him. i didnt want to be with anyone. i wanted my freedom and to be left alone to be a wild thing which is bc i have an uber dominant personality type. i prefer to be less restricted.

      the anecdote was marrying a wild boy who was better than me at EVERYTHING. that whole youthful 'ill never get married i like being single' thing flies out of the window when someone truly falls in love with you. itll switch up your whole perspective on life.

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