Home Hot Topics Why Women Should Eat More Rejection Pie

Why Women Should Eat More Rejection Pie

Either you like me, or leave me alone.

It’s interesting hearing what people have to say when it comes to the topic of rejection. Depending on when it rears its ugly head, the definitions and reactions to it change. If we’re talking about a job, people typically make comments like “I didn’t want that gig anyway.” If we’re talking about getting into a college, people often respond with “I didn’t wanna go there anyway. That was just a safety school.” For those of us that really wanted that job or admission into the university of choice, we are left reading a letter and saying “f*ck.” However, when it comes to dating, men are the ones that are supposed to expect it, embrace it, and enjoy it as they hunt women they probably won’t end up taking seriously after they get dressed in the morning or that same night.

I wrote a post a few weeks ago about my lack of desire to chase after women. The basic point of the post was that I don’t have time for games and antics. The sub-point was that dating, courting, chasing, or whatever you want to call it shouldn’t fall more so on one gender than the other. Feedback online as well as away from the keyboard has been mixed. I was talking to one of my lady friends over the holidays and she shared the same sentiment as many of the women that read the post. “Men are supposed to approach and aggressively court women. It’s nice to have someone that’s confident enough to come up to you and show that they’re interested. It’s great to have someone pursuing you regardless of your initial response as long as they don’t get crazy.”

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I agree. I really do. However, what about men? Are we not entitled to have the same feelings about women that approach us and spark a conversation? Is it not cool for us to have a woman be like “Hey, I noticed you standing here by yourself at the bar and just wanted to come over and say hello”? I think that’s fine. The tradition of courting has been morphed—or maybe it’s evolved—or maybe it’s in hospice care. We’re in the era of “I can do good all by myself” so the game just isn’t the way that it used to be. Accept it like a FB friend request from someone you actually know.

One of the comments I got repeatedly on the post was that a man that doesn’t want to court or chase a woman is insecure or has esteem issues. My response to that is a question: Couldn’t the same be said for a woman that is hiding her inability to deal with rejection by saying it’s a man’s job? Sounds like a copout using an increasingly obsolete “norm” if you ask me.

Initiating a conversation has always been a 2-way street. There have been times where I tried to talk to women and their responses were less than engaging. Perhaps they just weren’t feeling me. I shrugged it off and kept it moving. It happens. In other situations, I’ve reached out to women and they’ve ignored my texts, calls, emails, and any other communication that I’ve tried to spark. Once again, it was what it was; well, that was until I eventually found out they liked me and wondered why I hadn’t followed up.

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When it comes to relationships or the opportunity for, rejection isn’t something that should be left for men solely because of chromosome makeup. This “A real man gets shot down and keeps it moving. At least he tried.” business is bullsh*t. Well, maybe it isn’t bullsh*t, but it’s a responsibility that should be shared by real women.

If you consider yourself ambitious, you should meet rejection and failure at the coffee shop every now and then. If you can take the steps to hustle yourself to the top of an organization, get that book published, or get that dream gig, then you can take the chance and start a conversation with the person that caught your eye rather than waiting for them to notice your ambiguous signal. Well, that’s if you envision a family in your future before the egg factory in Fallopia, Wyoming shuts down for good.


Seriously though,


  1. He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22
    notice it's "He" who finds… NOT, "She" who finds… It's not fear of rejection, but the order of how it should be. Men should be men & women should be women. Men & women have different roles, get over it:)

    1. no offense but i feel like quoting the bible is a cop out. The courting process takes effort and a woman stepping up shouldn't be a bad thing. We see opportunities like jobs and degrees and go after them, why not do the same for a potential mate? I'm not from the school of thought where it is ok to just sit back and wait, that's all that you may ever do…there should be an effort on the woman's part (even Rapunzel had to let her hair down), even if it's just to say hello. The man's masculinity wouldn't be questioned because the woman stepped to him…it would present an opportunity that he may not have known was there before.

      1. "I’m not from the school of thought where it is ok to just sit back and wait, that’s all that you may ever do"

        And to quote the Bible is a cop-out.


        Let's us agree to disagree.


        1. i went to school in Alabama, all people ever do is quote the bible. I love God & His Son Jesus but i think they wouldn't find it offensive if women approached a man with good intentions…it's better than a man approaching a woman with mal intentions. I believe that you have to meet God half way and if all you are doing is waiting, you aren't meeting Him half way….

        2. @L.DeJean

          "I believe that you have to meet God half way and if all you are doing is waiting, you aren’t meeting Him half way…."

          I don't agree with this. God is NOT to be met half way. I am giving Him all of me. Not a piece. I give Him all of me and the blessing and favor of God shall be given unto me.

          So the Him you are referring to is God, not a man? (Confused)

          Therefore, I do not need to do anything for a man, but wait on God to bring him to me. Since I have given God all of me.

          E-Hugs!!! (smile)

        3. So the Him you are referring to is God, not a man? (Confused)

          ^^^when the H is capitalized, i sure do mean the Man in charge of Heaven! lol!

          I have trust and faith in Him but like with anything, i have to do my part…my grades don't earn themselves, my work doesn't do itself, why shouldn't i be an active participant in my relationship with God and all the things He has given me and will give me? I talk to Him all the time even though He sees what i go through on a daily basis. I don't mind putting in the work because He has done so much for me. Meeting Him half way by no means means that i am only giving Him a percentage of myself but means that i want to be an active participant in my relationship with Him and show Him that.

          I can't sit at home and hope that my intended mate will just show up on my doorstep (this is how i view waiting as someone who is always on the move)…i'm going to go to the yoga studio and the bookstore and where ever else my spirit tells me to because I don't know if the man God intends for me is there and while I'm not in a relationship, i'm going to continue to work on me and walk the path that He intended me to go on.

          We may not agree but i respect your view…we are all different. *E-hugs Back*

        4. @Lady Jei…you have to understand that there are multiple definitions to the word "find." There is "finding" that happens through effort or seeking and "finding" that occurs through receiving, or coming upon by accident. The Bible is a book that can be interpreted several ways…not saying you are wrong, but you should be aware…

        5. @Corey thank you! But don't call me ma'am…that drives me CRAZY and they do that all the time in the south!

      2. I'm right there with you L.Dejean. I read the post and KNEW Prov. 18:22 was close behind, but the first comment though? lol

        Here's the thing, I personally do believe that the natural order of things is for the man to be the pursuer,but I don't think that that is the ONLY way.

        …and not everybody is a Christian

        1. Honestly, i wasn't even thinking of scripture being quoted on this post…my head is way too buried in this "Yoga and Vegetarianism" book i'm reading!

          I like the idea of a man being a pursurer but sometimes, they don't see what's right in front of them and they need a little help…(i'm short, sometimes, you just don't see me coming, lol.)

          I am Catholic (and i admittedly don't live strictly by the bible) but I know Christians who are all about quoting scripture…they may have quoted it if they read it but i think they recognize that women should be apart of the process outside of the guy constantly doing things. Communication is a two-way street.

        2. It's interesting seeing where the bible verses show up in discussions. As L said, sometimes it seems like a copout. I haven't ready any bible verse that says "she shall not speaketh until he does." There are societies where ppl live that way and we see how that goes…

      3. I don't think using the Bible is ever a "cop out"…but I see where you are coming from. I believe the Bible tells us all to act..now HOW we should act is where many disagree.

        I won't get too far down the Biblical path because I don't believe it's necessary. What I will say is that God gives blessings…but he also calls for us to DO something. What you interpret that "something to be" will affect your results. Period. You sit still and what you could have gotten in 3 months may take you 3 years.

        I'm all for reciprocity, and showing interest. What I'm not for is chasing anyone. If you're too dense to realize that I am into you, but I'm not going to throw myself at you, you don't deserve me.

        1. See the post a few weeks ago about chasing. Yeah…you don't want to but you (not you specifically) want a guy to chase.

          Not gonna happen.

        2. I don't want to be chased either. I want someone to be genuinely interested and act accordingly. People that are intense (on either end of the spectrum) make me nervous…admittedly I know this affects dating for me.

        3. i feel like people default to it way too much but they only use it for their interpretation, not thinking of the deeper meetings. Like Southern Gentleman said, there are different meanings to "find" and one should recognize that when they try to quote a verse but only acknowledge one side of it

        4. "If you’re too dense to realize that I am into you, but I’m not going to throw myself at you, you don’t deserve me."

          I had to tweet this (credit given to you of course) just so some people I know could see and digest this statement. Very well said.

    2. Preach!

      If you want to find a man, be a homo. If you want to find a woman treat her like one. Please accept that the genders have different roles and stop trying to turn women into men. Ever heard of "equal but different"?

    3. you scripture quote rings hollow-i just read on a christian woman who had a test tube baby (told her past or after the birth-now thats just being slicker than hair grease)-point is so many christian women compromise their religion over and over again, it seems the whole point is to screw up and then site being a christian and get forgiveness and like jigga…do it again

    4. I don't understand this obsession with God & Jesus with some black women, especially older ones. Do they forget that it was white men that forced their ancestors to practice Christianity? Black women are the most religious group in America, and also the most single. I'm not saying being religious is causing black women to be single, but there sure is a correlation. Is it God's plan to keep most black women single and lonely?


      I agree that if a woman is interested in a man, let him know.

    5. Titus 2:3-4, Paul gives these instructions as to how a young married woman is to be trained by older women: “…train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands so that no one will malign the Word of God.”

      If we go by the bible, women should stay in the kitchen making sandwiches while their husbands go there to get them pregnant. Not the best source of wisdom in gender relations if you ask me and definitely NOT applicable to today's standards.

  2. good points…no argument from me. i know i'm a sensitive person so rejection isn't taken too well but some are better able to recover than others…this is not exclusive to either gender.

    good post Slim

    1. Cosign on everything you said above. Instead of waiting on that dream person to magically appear I'd rather just keep busy living my life. And if it's meant to be, I faith it'll happen. And the surest way for me to tune someone out is by leading with a Bible verse….

  3. 1. Yes we can take the initiative to speak first, ask him ot on a date first etc.

    However God intended for Man to be the aggressor and to chose his wife. And because of this all woman needs to do is get herself right and wait on the Lord. Woman was created as the helper of Man. And it is the Man who chooses his wife.

    So whether you like it or not women are often rejected more than men when it comes to marriage. Women are more often ready for the walk down the aisle. But until the man asks and chooses her……she waits.

    And if he doesn't choose her….REJECTED.

    So while a valid post, I do not agree with you! Women are rejected way more than men are when it comes to a real committed relationship I.e., marriage.

    1. I cosign that (considering I am from Kenya where marriage is still mainly a man's decision), but I think that's another stage of relationship whereas the post was about meeting each other.

      Its OK for a woman to approach and if she meets the required standards according to the guy, he will ask her hand in marriage.Nice insight though!

    2. I don't know how God got in this conversation, I believe the young man was addressing "rejection" and equal opportunity. There is nothing wrong with a woman being the initiator, nothing at all.

      Just as well as you admire a man who can do all things for you, a man-man also enjoys that you are able and capable of doing the same for him. You experience could have been your went after the wrong type of man. A real man is secure in himself, and don't or won't mind a woman sitting in the driver's seat every now and then.

    3. @Lady Jei

      Maybe so… But when it comes to courtship, men are reject the most… and it is funny, cause it seems like women value when men take time to approach… especially if she gets approached alot… the approach shouldn't be demeaned just because it is not as emotionally charged as rejectioon in the relationship phase

    4. now i do agree with that point Lady Jei. i think women experience WAY more rejection than men may realize. many times, men aren't really in tune with women's feelings or even pick up on the fact that we're hurt or upset. and some of us (like myself) may not ever let on to my true feelings because i understand as a woman, there's only so much that i can do. telling a man i feel rejected if futile if at the end of the day he still does not desire to date me. i can't make any man date me, even if i like him, even if my women's discernment says he might be the one. Deep down i feel like when it's all said and done, men are choosing & as a woman, i may or may not get chosen by a given man. Now how i perceive this depends on how i view/value myself. i used to internalize it as rejection. now i realize, it's nothing wrong with me. this person is just not for me. there's someone better out there. and he'll show up soon enough. the end.

  4. Been there, done that & lived to tell the tale. It really wasn't *that* bad, which is why I think men need to get over it. But we're talking about women today 😉

    So, while it's a man's job to lead once things have gotten off the ground, I do support women taking the initiative. Guys can be shy too sometimes & I might not have the boyfriend I do now had I not spoken up first. (To this day he says he was "getting around" to telling me how he felt, LOL) But I never had a problem getting dates so had I been content to wait on him, I might have ended up moving on to the next one.

    Bottom line is, you never know what might happen! And don't believe that malarkey about if the woman initiates, she'll never know if the man is truly interested. Yes you will, because beyond getting his number & going on a first date, you won't hear from him again if he's not into you.

  5. It kinda bugs me that I'm finding myself saying "You're Right" for the second time and I don't even know you. lol but you are absolutely right. Nowadays women are more and more independent and with that comes new expectations. I have to admit I'm not shy about going after something I want and fortunately I'm almost completely not bothered when rejected. It's liberating. Instead of waiting for the guy that I want to approach me, I go after him.Some men are intimidated by it, but it actually helps me weed out who can hang from the rest of the pack.

  6. by no means am I suggesting that, as a woman, you cannot speak or initiate a conversation with a man, but in life there is an ORDER to this thing!
    "However God intended for Man to be the aggressor and to chose his wife. And because of this all woman needs to do is get herself right and wait on the Lord. Woman was created as the helper of Man. And it is the Man who chooses his wife.
    So whether you like it or not women are often rejected more than men when it comes to marriage. Women are more often ready for the walk down the aisle. But until the man asks and chooses her……she waits." Lady Jei could'nt have said it any better…

    L.Dejean, no offense, but your way of thinking is the exact reason men feel they dont have to "find" his help (wife)…

    How do you expect a man to step up, be head of his house, & lead when you get married when he hasnt had to do any of that during the "courting" process? you can't have two heads… prime reason for so many failed marriages now days… our roles are different & thats perfectly ok.

    1. How do you expect a man to step up, be head of his house, & lead when you get married when he hasnt had to do any of that during the “courting” process?

      ^^^i'm pretty sure i didn't say a man isn't doing any of the leading. I actually believe that BOTH parties should be putting in work, it should not be one-sided. I don't know many men that want to do all the work just like i don't know many women who want to do all the work. relationships are WORK and both have to do work, one-sided relationships cause burn-out and failure.

    2. L.Dejean, no offense, but your way of thinking is the exact reason men feel they dont have to “find” his help (wife)…

      ^^^And some men aren't ready to "find" a wife, that comes with maturity and self-knowledge. Why look for something they aren't ready for? For example, I'm not ready to have a baby so i'm not going to go looking to get pregnant, i'm going to work on myself first. They may look for a girlfriend and when they are ready, they will make her his wife. However, to get to that point, there has to be work on both parts so that they are both ready to make that commitment and be secure in that decision.

    3. yes, women like you are always ready to walk down the aisle. The divorce rate is high in christians also, I wonder why???? perhaps women believe this crap you are sending out…They pray for husband, beg God for one, and have not a clue of what is involved in being a wife. I don't need to be lead, but loved….

    4. I agree with you to extent. There too many people rushing to get to aisle, and not taking enough time to see if they're compatible enough for the long haul. I also know a lot of Christians who are married and miserable b/c they are not compatible.

      My point is this, I'm wouldn't mind having a girlfriend (who will eventually be my wife). But I want to see first if she has the compatibility and potential to be with me for the long haul.

    5. I dont know how you can glean the state of marriage based on…yea what is it based on? You broad stroked an entire institution as not doing to well because you disagree with the author of the blog?

      Saying "hello" is not courting.

  7. Now for all of you women folk quoting scripture…you do realize that good ol "S" word is in there as well right? (SUBMIT)

    1. Yes, as the HUSBAND is to Submit to GOD, we are to Submit to our HUSBAND.

      Not a boyfriend/freakbuddy/friendw/benefits…a HUSBAND!

      Women have NO problem submitting to their husband, as the Husband submits to Christ.


      1. claps!

        It's crazy how people pull that "submit" scripture out to apply to how women should treat all men, but forget the part that says something like "as a man submits to Christ a woman should submit to her HUSBAND"

  8. Man this comment is fixin to be rife with generalities and stereotypes…but here go:

    In my experience I've found that men do not value a woman that is too easy. May that mean that she is too laid back, too into him, too aggressive, too available, too "well known" (know what I'm saying?)…this is one reason women do not pursue.

    Reason number two would be that in general men are thought to be in it for kicks and giggles, a lil slap and tickle and they're out. It's widely accepted that men date for fun and if something happens, then great. Otherwise, they're perfectly content to claim #ButIHitThough and KIM. Women in general are more likely to be in it to win it. We more often plan to be in an actual long term, monogamous, committed relationship as opposed to fall into one. (Some of ya'll cringed just reading that, be honest.) So we have a lot more to lose by perusing. Therefore we need the men to show a little innovative; make us believe that you want more than a little ass, so we can feel good about imagining our futures with you. Not many redblooded men will deny a woman's advances and probable sex (yes, yes, I know that you're the "different" one, but 80% of the time it works 100% of the time). So if we approach a man, we have no way of knowing if he's truly interested or thinks that because we picked him out of a crowd full of men that's he's getting him some tonight, so he plays along…

    Stop calling chicks thirsty, then tell us we need to initiate ish more often. You know we're sensi. And if you call a chick thirsty then she's not gonna hit on another dude again. We get called a lot of names, not trying to add anymore to the list.

    And NO we don't like rejection! No one does, fortunately for ya'll you have enough testosterone coursing through your veins to ignore that little voice saying "Dawg, she's gonna clown you! Don't do it! Danger Slim Jackson!" We don't *shrug* that's what alcohol's for, right?

    And trust me, we get our FILL of rejection. Just not by strangers. Ours comes right after the "so what are we?" conversation by a man that we're already emotionally intertwined with. Ish hurts a lot more than a casual diss by a strange pair of tits and ass at a bar that you'll never see again.

    1. If you're tossing twat then call me Jerry Rice cause I'm catching it. However, just because a woman approaches me doesn't mean I think I'm a shoe in to beat. Be advised, 98% of "thirsty chicks" are women that are approached by men. Don't be scurred. If you see it and you like it you better get him before the next woman WITHOUT the hang ups snatches him off the market.

    2. I can feel you on some points, but I think once a woman has made the approach there is still room for the man to take initiative in setting up the second date and so on…

      Make the approach, get the digits (lol i said "get the digits') then give him room to make the next move. and if a dude is callin you "thirsty" for approaching he probably has a small p*nis and has to overcompensate by trying to embarrass you(be happy you dodged that bullet). lmao

    3. If you ever have to have the "what are we?" convo, your ass was cooked before the convo began. You're just getting the news late.

      1. I'm big on communication…that conversation is being had.

        I'm not a wait and see type person. There will be no confusion…

        1. *claps*

          I say this ALL the time about communiction. It is key, and before I go wasting my time or yours there needs to be some type of "what is going on/where is this leading" conversation.

          Also on confusion… We are all adults, no need to even go there…after all "confusion it the devils friend" *smile*

          Love to read your comments, always enlightning.


      1. Thank you sisters 🙂

        I assure you I can not blog though, just keeping up with comments has murked my productivity! lol

    4. Learned a lot from the perspective in this comment. Not gonna agree or disagree. I do have a few thoughts though.

      Your comment has me wondering how many single women are looking for a serious relationship vs. looking for a good time/sex/casual chilling and see where it goes.

      If a chick comes over and says hello, I, as you noted, don't assume that to mean easy beats. However, don't women decide if they're going to let a guy smash if he sticks around long enough within the first 3 minutes of a conversation or something like that?

      Just because a dude is putting in a bit more effort to get you doesn't mean he's more likely to wanna be with you long term. Running game is a process. You just may not know it for a few months. Happens sometimes.

      1. @ Slim

        "Just because a dude is putting in a bit more effort to get you doesn’t mean he’s more likely to wanna be with you long term."

        That why I am really side-eyeing all theses comments saying men SHOULD approach.

        Longevity of a relationship does not depend on which gender approaches first.

      2. I exaggerated for effect, but the woman approaching does give you the upper hand. She is obviously interested in you physically and is standing out on a limb. Some men will milk this advantage for all that it's worth. You've made it clear that you are a more reserved guy that prefers to lay back and watch his surrounding. Less hunter, more observer. So a woman approaching you is almost a necesitty nad that that's fine, for you. Thing is, you know your heart, you know what kinda guy you are. The woman approaching does not. And Slim, let's be honest. Most men are very cool with the JWall. Fewer women are. SO while men are also left open to be a)rejected or b)taken advantage of, they have better odds than we do.

        Personally, I know immediately if I'm going to have sex with a man, before I even meet him. 100% no, until he marries me. So I'll be wrong once. I can handle those odds. And no, I don't know whether I'm going to "fool around" with him within the first three minutes either…or the first day, I know if I want to…but that's always subject to change based on the words that fall out of his mouth and his actions…

        "Just because a dude is putting in a bit more effort to get you doesn’t mean he’s more likely to wanna be with you long term." True enough, but I'm not gonna offer myself up as a sacrifice, if he's gonna trick me, let it be because he was clever, not because I was foolhearty.

  9. Just reading the title, I knew what the post was about and even prepared to agree about most of it. I agree with the idea that women can do the approaching and even feel I should take that leap one day (even if the more natural/traditional order has the man as the aggressor).

    That said, I couldn't take anything serious after reading how men would likely not take her seriously the next morning. I realize it was said mostly in jest, but this happens with so much frequency, that women are nearly petrified of ALSO having been the one to approach him. So, maybe men should be more respectful of women if they want some traditional roles to change.

    1. If a man doesn't take you seriously it's not because you approached him. It's just something about you in particular and the situation would have played out the same regardless of who did the approaching.

      1. absolutely, I don't know what planet these women live on…maybe the problem was YOUR approach that he thought less of you. Go to him with confidence, not on begging knees. I am the prize and he should feel blessed that I crossed his path…This is the way every woman should present herself.

      2. Right Corey!

        Women have their way of letting men know when they are interested anyway. At first glance, the stare for a little, the flirtatious grin. Those are all signals to men…come hither.

        So in those cases…who was the initiator REALLY? The woman. Not every situation happens because a woman is blindly walking down the street looking at the ground and a dude was like oh, I should approach her.

        Some women give a signal to step too, therefore she was the initiator all along. This happens more than you know.

      3. I'm not saying the man isn't taking you seriously BECAUSE you approached (or how you approached), I'm just going off of the statement made in the post

        "However, when it comes to dating, men are the ones that are supposed to expect it, embrace it, and enjoy it as they hunt women they probably won’t end up taking seriously after they get dressed in the morning or that same night."

        In fact, my statement was made in reference as to why she wouldn't be the one to approach at all. Regardless of the reasons (because obviously, it's something wrong with the woman) that a man doesn't take the woman seriously, women are still going to be hesitant to approach when they know this is a large possibility in the end? To me this statement basically says "I want you to step to me, even though I will likely not consider you anything more than a f*ck (and then make sure it's implied that it's because of something you did/didn't do/have)".

  10. Yes, submission on BOTH parties! You submit to God & His direction for your family & your wife will submit to you… its all about trust… Which brings up an excellent point! how on earth would I be able to trust & submit to a man that I pursued & courted???

    1. This whole "courting" process in the traditional sense is inherently flawed in a modern context. There is a major difference in showing that you are interested in someone and tossing some vag/peen out on the table like "what's good?".

      1. Face it courting in the traditional sense is horridly sexist and really was constructed when women had no rights to money or property. So I have no idea when women say courting-from what era?

        In our era theres a lot of women who want to juggle-fine do that, do know thats called dating-and in dating all is fair-she can juggle and so will I. I dont court while dating.

  11. I disagree.

    Women know rejection very well. Don't even come with that. We give our love to men all the time..and its rejected or tossed back in our face, taken for granted, etc. We could write a book about that.

    My comment on this remains the same. Men should initiate the courting phase and women should show/tell a man is she is interested or not.This process worked with the cavemen and it still works today….men are just too lazy today to be bothered..and with the plethora of women out there…they feel no need.

    Look at it like this, if you had a daughter…would you tell her to eat more rejection pie. Or would you tell her to wait on a nice young man…and if he likes you and he is worthy of you..he should and can approach you to express his intentions towards you.

    What would you tell your daughter to do Slim?

    1. I tell my daughter that life always has its ups and downs, failures and accomplishments, but by no means are you to seat back and wait for things to happen;;;I often say there are 3 type of people in the world; people who watch things happen, people who make things happen, and those who wonder what the hell happened.

      Women, take charge of your life and make things happen, or keep living without it, wondering what the hell happened….

    2. "Women know rejection very well. Don’t even come with that. We give our love to men all the time..and its rejected or tossed back in our face, taken for granted, etc. We could write a book about that."

      Library of Congress couldn't even hold that many books!

      "My comment on this remains the same. Men should initiate the courting phase and women should show/tell a man is she is interested or not.This process worked with the cavemen and it still works today….men are just too lazy today to be bothered..and with the plethora of women out there…they feel no need."

      ^^^This ain't nothing but some truth!

      On repeat:

      "My comment on this remains the same. Men should initiate the courting phase and women should show/tell a man is she is interested or not.This process worked with the cavemen and it still works today….men are just too lazy today to be bothered..and with the plethora of women out there…they feel no need."

      1. I need to know that all these women out here really are to be courted or are they still dating, the two are not mutually exclusive

    3. Being in a dating relationship or beginning a relationship with someone that does not work out, is NOT
      rejection. We are talking about guys who try to show some deference, some respect ( big mistake?) and
      some romance by making the approach and being turned down EVERY time. That is rejection. These
      guys have no dates , no prom, no female friends… and get very well used to it.

  12. I agree… nothing wrong with a woman saying hello or initiating a conversation… I dont think anyone here disagrees with that point.

    1. IDK. I'm seeing a lot of "wait for him to come to you" talk. Hell I'm so zoned out most of the time even if you're tossing out "signs" short of a nipple to the cheek I haven't even noticed you exist. All you really gotta do is: 1) Walk up

      2) Say "Hi"

      3) Smile (this part is crucial for all of you Bitter Beer Faces out there)

      If he's interested he'll either go guns up at you or get really bashful and shy. Once you see what type of guy you're dealing with, handle the situation accordingly.

  13. I feel like… this post is real. I know a lot of women don't like rejection. But real talk that rejection that women get when they find out they haven't made the next round is classic.

    I have to go to bed now.

    1. Haha… so classic.

      They are expecting to have made it. Like not seeing their name on the list after ball tryouts in high school.


  14. "i’m pretty sure i didn’t say a man isn’t doing any of the leading. I actually believe that BOTH parties should be putting in work, it should not be one-sided. I don’t know many men that want to do all the work just like i don’t know many women who want to do all the work. relationships are WORK and both have to do work, one-sided relationships cause burn-out and failure."

    I most certainly did not say nor suggest that a man does ALL the work… I simply said the role of men and women are DIFFERENT with regard to a relationship… not sure how you came to that conclusion…

    1. Where i came to my conclusion was from this: How do you expect a man to step up, be head of his house, & lead when you get married when he hasnt had to do any of that during the “courting” process?

      This pretty much told me that i was saying that the man wasn't stepping up in the courting process because the woman initiated when that wasn't what i was saying. Both have roles to play and both have work to do. Different or not, both parties have responsibilities to the courting process that shouldn't be ignored. Sometimes, roles are interchanged but it doesn't make them any less a man or woman, it means that they are diverse and equally invested in the relationship just as they should be once married.

      1. she said different. I see it as both putting in work and both bring their strengths and work on their weaknesses together.

      2. I wouldn’t ask anything of my man that he couldn’t ask of me!!!

        Mowing the grass, general maintenance to your house's roof, fertilizing your eggs, etc…

        LOL. joking. I agree with you.

  15. Too much coppin out. Too much realism. Too many times do we, as men, give you an unabaited look into the way we think and tell you what it is, and women act like sh*t aint real or can't be.

    We quoting bibles, going to neolithic times, all to deflect a key point:

    its 2011!

    Communication evolves, society evolves, why wouldn't courting evolve?! Men can still be initiators, but assertiveness in a woman isnt a sign of weakness. It isnt even courting!

    Sometimes, yall would rather let a dude u KNOW u feeling be with the next bytch because he did not say hi quick enough to you. Yall will be the ones losing! Mark my words

    No one is saying be thirsty… be real with yourself! If a dude left $100000 on the floor and i find it, im not gonna wait to see if anyone else notices, im gonna get that paper!

    whatever yo… im up too late. Im blackin out on Wednesday. lol. NITE!

    1. Or maybe the dude is game challenged, had a bad experience when he first started. Constantly having rejection from women can do something to a guy confidence #just sayin'

    2. "Communication evolves, society evolves, why wouldn’t courting evolve?! Men can still be initiators, but assertiveness in a woman isnt a sign of weakness. It isnt even courting! "


    1. I'm glad that we can come to a mutual understanding. We all process and communicate information/thoughts differently but in the end, we all have our own individual views that while they are similar, make us unique.

      It is not always easy to carry such discussions online because it lacks tone (even if you can caps & do all the italics and what not) and body expression.

      1. And this is why I actually post my thoughts and opinions here. Because you are so right. We may not agree often. But the adults who post here have a brain. And its not about who's right or who's wrong.

        But we are sharing in intelligent conversation. Its very refreshing.

        And I can always learn something from the followers of this blog.

        You can't come here with no bull, cause its not wanted, lol! And you will get eaten up, lol!

        But I truly appreciate the people who comment here.


        L to the J (lol)

        1. You can’t come here with no bull, cause its not wanted, lol! And you will get eaten up, lol!

          ^^^Trolls not welcome! sorry, couldn't help it cause Slim tweets about them, lol!

          i love the moment that is happening right now =0)

  16. If the point of his blog is to say that women need to eat more rejection pie….the fact is we do.

    When it comes to marriage, women have always gotten the short end of the stick.

    I mean Slim you have stated "But real talk that rejection that women get when they find out they haven't made the next round is classic".

    And that right there is the point of the blog. That situation happens more to women then men.

    And therefore your blog (IMO) is contradictory. Being that your the author, lol!

    All the dating/courting all of that has a point for women. And the point is more often than not marriage. And guess who gets to decide if that's going to happen…….

    That's MY point!

    1. If the point of his blog is to say that women need to eat more rejection pie….the fact is we do.

      ^^^Rejection builds character! You learn to pick your jaw off the ground and keep it moving!

      When it comes to marriage, women have always gotten the short end of the stick.

      ^^^I totally agree.

      1. I think its more about women getting shafted by sorry a## men who had some good game and was a great plumber. But wasn't husband material at all.

      2. "When it comes to marriage, women have always gotten the short end of the stick."

        No, not true at all. As with any relationship, you have to set boundaries and have standards. It is when you deviate far from those boundaries and standards that you end up with the short end of the stick.

        Be firm, be consistent, and more importantly be yourself. This is why I tell women not to lose themselves in relationships.

        1. "Be firm, be consistent, and more importantly be yourself. This is why I tell women not to lose themselves in relationships."


          This is something we (women) tend to do very often in relationships, changing all aspects of who we are to conform to a man's wants/desires/needs.

    2. These women just don't get it! You could NEVER deal

      with the headache (rejection) of the "hunt" or the "approach", so admit it.Then you want to say that rejection equals not turning a longterm relationship into a wedding?

      That is INSANITY, but have it your way!

  17. New to the site love it! As a smb… I think slim's point is if you want something go for it,don't let gender roles hinder you from missing out on something that could be potentially great I agree with tradition but some things are outdated and needs to be upgraded. To me, real love is not defined by rules it happens how it happens whether I talk to a young lady or she talks to me.

    1. Also new to the site… and totally in agreement with Mix. Biblical principles considered in a modern context, the initial meeting (imo) should only be about getting to know a person to see if they are even the type of guy/girl you could be friends with. When you look at it that way, either person approaching is completely appropriate.

      The way I look at it, as a professional woman, unless you are a complete jerk with no real social value, knowing you is capital for me. You have something to bring to my network, whether you're interested in me romantically or not… and if you caught my attention, chances are you're a great guy to know so Im approaching and introducing myself to you… and your friends, finding a connection, and leaving a memorable impression, lol.

    2. Since you both pointed out that your new to the site, let me say welcome! *tosses e-confetti and breaks out e-hot chocolate* (it's too cold and early for champagne, but I'll throw some marshmallows in)

  18. Forget all the talking and bars, etc. Just get yo' ass on Craigslist. I write Craigslist personal ads for my friends all the time. Many get second to third date sex. Some get crabs. But none get rejected, or killed.

  19. good post.

    my takeaway from this is that dudes aren't asking for women to front the first date, or be the breadwinner…but that in this day and age…

    where women can do this, and do that…

    yet it's hard to step up to a guy you're interested in, smile and say hi? because it breaks gender roles?

    especially when the women of the past 2 generations are doing their best to break gender roles?

    My Chauvinistic Sith side chuckles within.

    But i get it, you want the male to step up. You want him to be the breadwinner, etc. Memo received, lol.

  20. I love this post Slim but I think its a double edge sword for these gals. The more aggressive they are in society the more SBM and myself are going to downplay the need for chivalry.

    1. It isn't being said that they should run around clubbing dudes over the head and dragging them back to the cave. Just initiate. Not lead, pursue, none of that. Initiate.

    2. Thank you for acknowledging that CHeeKZ! Not that it absolves us completely, but the fact that it's not a simple matter of #WeScared. I'm pre-diabetic from all the rejection pie I done ate!

      And @Animate-"Just initiate. Not lead, pursue, none of that. Initiate." This can be interpreted a million ways…many women would tell you "Well I smiled and batted my eyelashes clean off ALL night!" and then the woman that buys a man a drink gets clowned by his boys, I'm saying…it's very individualized and the spectrum of "initiation" is massive.

  21. I won't be around to battle with you guys the rest of the day but:

    If I'm feelin a dude, and I'm too chickensh*t to say anything…..

    Then I deserve what I get….which is…


    but the Bible though!? I could comment on that, but that'll open up a can of worms I won't be around to put the top back onto… so I'll leave that where it is…

    I want something, I go after it.. If i don't… then I probably let fear overrun me.. or i didn't want it badly enough…


    and yes… I'm Christian… in case anyone thinks that my askancing was courtesy of being Agnostic.. (Or something like that)

  22. I find it amazing that there are women that won't step to a guy that they are interested in. i honestly don't see the difference if the shoe was on the other foot.

    With that said, people can conduct their lives as the wish – just don't complain about being single!

  23. All i have to say is that if its solely the mans responsibility to approach women, then women are selling themselves short, which is indeed a copout. Men will approach a woman that he is interested in but if a woman refuses to put in that same effort to "bag" that type of man that she wants, in reality she's basically gonna settle for her preference or best choice out of the men that have approached her. This is part of the reason have gotten away with calling men dogs for so long, because they are sitting back with their feet up waiting to be approached by men. Thats my 2cents, lol.


      1. yea because the Other girl might step to me…real subtle and smooth there are women out their who do realize paying us a compliment or using their phone and asking us a techie question is a good ice breaker it allow us men to talk and relaize "ok is the issue with her phone that bad…no..she must like me"

        but if some of yall are so stuck in olden times (very conveniently might i add-yet none of this flies in the board room when it comes to MONEY) and cant even do those pretty innocent moves, fine.

  24. I think its a personal choice for both men and women to be the aggressor or not. Some people are more type A go getters and some aren't (male and female).

    It has been my personal decision to not be the aggressor. I want the type of man that is. The type that approaches me, initiates, courts, leads. From personal experience, starting with him being the lead will carry over into the relationship (and the reverse is true also). That is what I prefer.

    Im still a modern woman, independent, educated, and all that stuff that's a part of being a well-adjusted adult. And I have found that men who are lead in the pursuit of the relationship don't have a problem with that either.

  25. my thing is this if you guys know all this about relationships…than why are you still single??? why werent you talking about it beforehand?

    probably because you need that chick with 40 acres of land to tell you how her man got it. but sure. YOU guys got it. the posts were about me. the comments were about me. but in the end you did exactly what you were supposed to….got checked so hard you told me what my point was.

    -slow clap for myself on running this blog-

    that takes some pretty strong leadership to get how many ppl to orchestrate a movement on my behalf? ROFL. how did your whole site have to band together??? rofl. one person wasnt strong enough to do it? guess you guys could use a few pointers from a more experienced human being huh?

    but hold hold on. let me go cry about needing FIFTY ppl to take me down. yep. ill go to sleep. you got it slim.

    1. o____0

      I resisted the urge to comment all day long yesterday, but this is too much. I get the impression that you have genuinely been trying to speak your mind and have your opinions taking seriously in dicussions. I do have to say that sometimes your approach makes it difficult to not label you a troll and keep moving. I'm not suggesting you change your opinions at all, but maybe taking a look at the few of the reasons (which resemble the characteristics of some of our favorite trolls) people are labeling you would bring some awareness to the situation.

      1. Your opinions tend to be in the minority (NTAWWT, since not everybody here agrees). They also tend to be extreme (as in the case of yesterday, where you were suggesting that college is for suckas) which makes it look like a way to enrage the masses (ie. trolling)

      2. Your opinions have tended to skew towards looking down on a lot of the advancements and achievements of the black community that most of us are proud of (education, not being dirt broke and happy about it). I'm not sure why you'd expect a bunch of people who pride themselves on their education to cosign that it was a waste of money or not think that suggesting that might be a little insulting to them. Even so, I think most have been pretty respectful when (dis)agreeing with your comments.

      3. You tend to throw out the fact that you're not single even when it has nothing to do with the discussion at hand as if it validates everything you're saying. It feels more like an attempt to "peacock".

      4. Your comments suggest that people aren't open to your opinion, when you are severly closed off to the points that others are making in response.

      5. You are on the defensive for absolutely no reason. I didn't read a single word in today's post (or comments so far) that had anything whatsoever to do with you (subliminally or otherwise). The men (and woman) on this site are pretty straightforward about when they're taking shots and you'd know if they were (and so were the rest of us). I personally prefer to think that you were suffering a bout of temporary paranoia as opposed to permanent narcissism when writing this comment.

      I realize you'll think I'm trying to attack you here, but I really am not (I don't have time or energy to waste on being an e-thug to someone on the interwebz). I'm genuinely trying to do you a service because I think you are genuinely trying not to be viewed as a troll.

      1. @ sane

        THERE WE GO! geez. its about time you guys got real. all you had to do was talk to me. -cheesing-

        i completely understand where youre coming from. a lot of the stuff i say is in fact incredibly inflammatory. its meant to be that way bc if i just came on a site with a couple hundred ppl and was all meek and shy and scared who would really pay attention?

        1. my opinions are in the minority and its a positive thing. it isnt something to be attacked or criticized and think about it this way. my extreme views made quite an impact on you guys and if more ppl were in the minority with me the viewpoint would have more power. it would give the community POWER.

        2. i can see how you guys would see that. it sounds like you guys feel im being condescending and again, i understand how it could be taken that way but truly read into my comments about african american unity and togetherness. THIS is progress. arguments and shots fired or not its a step in the right direction.

        3. lmao. this is SINGLE black males. if im NOT single than it obviously means i have a lot of credibility in the relationship field so i probably know what im talking about. maybe you guys should stop being so critical and be a little more opened minded so you can be MARRIED black males.

        4. is it closed off to start a conversation off with "i agree with you"? and for that matter why would i be open to accepting the majority viewpoint if the minority viewpoint is so much more powerful?

        5. honestly i dont feel defensive at all. im actually kind of flattered and amazed that i had this much of an impact in like…a month? not even? i dunno. that's crazy. i mean i do that in my real life but it really never gets old. i actually kind of took this post and the previous ones to be a form of reaching out like "hey were catching on!" it kind of took my breath away for a second bc i was so proud of you guys.

        observational skills are key in this world especially to subtle undertones, and call me a married southern gal but i swear, if the attitude was removed id probably say yes to a man that gets all his friends together to talk about the points i made and asks me out for coffee.

        1. ill be honest though. the back and forth struggle is kind of fun…*a lot* of fun but its nice to just be open and say "i have a TON of questions!!" bc im the kind of person that will tell you im waiting for you to say something or do something with enough OOMPH behind it to let me know you should be taken seriously.

          i love when my heart skips a beat like "daaaang…mad kudos."

      2. @SaneN85

        About that education part…

        All I ask is for people is to evaluate the decision they make in life, especially education…

        Alot of people go to college or seek higher education because it was shoved down their throats or to make their parent happy… Not because they want a better life…

        I think education is person specific… But again it drives me crazy how so many accomplished graduates can't make a decent living…

        But it's not that I don't want to get in this discussion… I think it is relevant for a later date…

        good post

  26. I'm a lil scared to comment on this post. Lol. I'm also mad that I kinda agree w/ Slim. Whomps.

    I do think it's okay for a woman to step to a man to start conversation. Heck, i do it in the grocery store on some casual type ish all the time… I wouldn't use the word aggressor though b/c that's so well… aggressive. If she initiates conversation, then he knows that she's into him and he can make the next move by deciding if he'll continue talking, ask for her number, etc. & as far as women are concerned, we usually get the easy end of the deal in that arena b/c not many men are gonna cold carry you (MD slang for "ignore/walk away") if you start talking to him. They will at least entertain your conversation for a while, whereas there are more than a few women who will straight meanmug and carry the ISH out of a man for no reason other than he opened his mouth.

    What was my point? Hmmm…

    Oh yea. Don't be afraid to start a conversation. Be mindful of where you do it… but if something geniunely interests you (and not every man that catches your eye) sure, talk to him. Let him do the follow-up and ask for your contact info though, that way there is no uncertainty about your mutual connection – at least to the phone number exchange point – beyond that is another ball game.

  27. I'm vehemently opposed to making the first move on a man, but it has nothing to do with a fear of rejection. I can't get upset if a man I don't know at all isn't interested in talking to me – there could be a million reasons for it and most have them have nothing to do with me.

    I don't make moves because it upsets the natural order of things and it makes more trouble for myself in the long run.

    1. This right here is the real, "I don’t make moves because it upsets the natural order of things and it makes more trouble for myself in the long run."

      A woman who courts from the beginning sets the expectation that she is going to lead the relationship which might sound great in the beginning but we all know how that ends; he feels like she can't let him be the man while she is underwhelmed and dissatisfied with his lack of take charge.

      I don't think it matters whom approaches whom, but when it comes to dating or courting or whatever it's called these days, the man should pursue. And this by no means suggests that either sex is exempt from rejection. We all experience it from each other in different ways.

  28. I approached my husband first. I take initiative and try not to let fear keep from moving forward.

    I saw him and was like, yeah, he's mine.

    I am an enterprising person though. I know this much about myself.

  29. First of all, over 80 comments at 8:30 am CST? What the deuce?

    Second, regarding Proverbs 18:22, as Southern Gentleman noted, I think people take that verse way out of context. It doesn’t mean you’re sitting at home reading Iyanla Vanzant novels, waiting for some 6’-6”, good-looking, Christian, investment banker built like Michael Jai White to show up at your door, dressed like Sherlock Holmes with a magnifying glass, saying, “Eureka, I found you!” Find is in the sense of finding a woman worthy of being a wife. It takes getting to know a woman to find if she is worthy of being a wife, and nothing about that verse precludes a woman approaching a guy to let him know she’s interested. He’ll still do the courting and leading and all that.

    And since we’re quoting the Bible, to the women that just have faith that Mr. Perfect will show up at their doorstep, remember James said faith without works is dead.

    1. The bottom line is…some men do like the thrill of the hunt/chase..and they want to be the aggressor….and there are some men who don't mind (or prefer) being approached. It is all about preference..so, in keeping with that..I will continue my non-approach technique..which I will add, has managed to serve me very well over the years… and those women who want to be the aggressor can continue along those lines…the dating games will continue..and everyone wins.


      1. I cosign that, my Queen! If you're having luck with guys approaching you, great. I think it's just dumb if a woman is really feeling a guy and then doesn't say boo to him because she hopes he notices her. Remember, most men aren't that thirsty and don't approach every single eligible bachelorette we see. You could be the best woman in the world, dressed nice, hurr did, and some guys won't say anything; not because we're shy or want her to approach us, but we would drive ourselves crazy if we tried to get at every good-looking single woman we come in contact with.

      2. a women saying hello to a man doesnt take the testosterone out of any man and if does than the system works:)

        I have a women get me to talk off a small compliment (esp when I didnt know I was being scoped out) or a gripe "where is this train" and boom it on, but I guess thats just too much in 2011….now where are those colored drinking fountains at I'm thirsty

  30. All I'm seeing is a bunch of misunderstood scripture used as a copout.

    Guess I'll go play some Warcraft since I'm STILL snowed in.

    Seriously though, when do you all sleep. It's barely ( AM CST and just short of 100 comments.

  31. Hello All! I haven’t posted in a while but I couldn’t resist at this topic.

    My mommy always told me, “you chase a man, you want him to run”. My daddy says “men come to women”, so if ”women chasing men” is what courtship has evolved to, then I want no parts of it. If a man is too shy, or too .:ahem:. lazy to approach me, then we weren’t going to work anyway.

    Men are hunters, when you take away the thrill of the chase, they get bored and lose interest. I have girlfriends who are the aggressors in their relationship, and they are the main ones complaining how their man is lazy emotionally/mentally/physically. She’s always the one setting up dates, or things to do. He never makes her feel pretty, or does anything romantic. He never remembers anniversaries. She always got to get on top/ throw it back -_-

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m a firm believer of “a closed mouth don’t get fed”, so if I see a man I’m attracted to, I have no problem approaching him, and striking up a conversation; sometimes men can be so oblivious. I’ll flirt and “leave my scent” so to speak, but if the man doesn’t pick up on it, so be it.

    Call me old fashioned, a traditionalist, archaic or any other like term, but that’s what works for me.

    1. Uh, newsflash… there are PLENTY of those wonderful, girlchasing alpha males who forget anniversaries, birthdays, etc. One woman said that if you need to approach a gentleman, rather than
      having him "prove" that he wants her first, thgen that is the man who forgets to pay the mortgage when
      they get married. Face it, young lady, sitting back "works for you" because YOU are afraid of rejection and do not want to admit it!

  32. My thoughts:

    Most are y'all are in a relationship with the bible and not God, because in my conversations, God tells me to choose….if I want her, not "remember my Word- you will marry her because I designed her solely for this purpose. And I designed you for this purpose and my divine will be done son". Damn, I don't need that type of stress for a love that should feel natural! So I know that this can't be true. He gave me free will to decide on any and everything, like everyone else – that is His will! God didn't create me to be aggressive unless "I" chose to be. The options of approach are there as my arsenal to accomplish the mission. Of course Biblical principles are gonna be mentioned of that's your foundation of living, but I'm moving away from foundation and building….that's what works for me. If there is any consequence in being shy and reluctant about approaching a woman it's that I don't have as much sex as I could., and that I'm not committed to one person. God didn't create me to follow the advice of others and neglect my intuition, but the option is there. No diss to the traditionalists, but this courting technique does not work for me in a world where I get rejected for not being the traditional alpha male or the bad boy or whatever archetype you have in mind. The free thinkers have my favor on this issue. Invitation is what I value when it comes to human interaction. My door is always open. And if it ain't, you won't be able to find my shy, hermit-like ass

    Im seeking a mutual attraction. Eye contact. Smiling. Winking. Body language that's inviting. If you ain't doin these things as you are in my view, then your not open, you're focused. Shouldn't it be fair from beginning to end? Invite me in and I'll walk in.

    1. "Im seeking a mutual attraction. Eye contact. Smiling. Winking. Body language that’s inviting. If you ain’t doin these things as you are in my view, then your not open, you’re focused. Shouldn’t it be fair from beginning to end? Invite me in and I’ll walk in."


  33. I'm conflicted with this topic.

    On one hand, I actually don't see anything wrong with a woman saying hi to a man and starting a conversation. If he's just not that into you, oh well, on to the next one.

    On the other hand, I've always heard that if a man is not stepping to you, it's a reason, i.e. he's married, GF, gay, he's just not that attracted to you, whatever. I've actually found this to be quite true for myself and my friends. I'm betwixt and between on this one.

    And yes, guys always calling girls thirsty, so that doesn't help.

    1. There have been plenty of times when I was out and didn't approach a woman when I was single. Why? Because I plain didn't feel like it. I usually had to be in a mindset or just blown away by a woman to approach her.

      Other than that I won't bother you for real. Now if you want to strike up a conversation with me, have at it. I don't bite initially.

    2. new2natural: "On the other hand, I’ve always heard that if a man is not stepping to you, it’s a reason, i.e. he’s married, GF, gay, he’s just not that attracted to you, whatever."

      Or because he approached some woman earlier in the day, and two women yesterday, and someone the day before, and just didn't feel like approaching her at the time.

      A woman might be good looking, brea$ts fill out her blouse, dressed professionally, and appear to be sane, but do you know how many women like that we cross every single day? We're supposed to approach every woman we come in contact with?

      1. Good points Hugh.Goes along with the post. Not only are we supposed to eat up rejection, but we're supposed to have the resilience of Hulk Hogan toward the end of a match and approach every single decent looking woman.lol

      2. My bad that you come across too many fine women every day! 😉 lol, Just ribbing with ya Hugh 🙂

        @Slim, it may suck, but to be real honest with you, that's one of the most appealing things about men. Your strength, your resiliency, your no holds barred attitude. It's a huge reason that male bloggers are SO successful. Most of the stuff that you tell us is hard to swallow (no pause) but we crave hearing it. Of course we realize that you are human and need reprieve and a soft place to land sometimes (ok, you can pause that one) but 5 of 7 days, we look to you for strength, stability, manliness.

  34. It's funny to see how we went from initial conversation to courting & head of household & what Jesus would do…umm say what 0_o?? Anyway, I am not opposed to a woman striking up a conversation with a guy she noticed. You get what you put out there. I've done it & it really wasn't that bad. I also will say women have plenty experience with rejection it's just normally not in the initial 5 minutes of meeting.

  35. I dont know, maybe I'm in the minority, but I like the way things are. When a women approaches me first, I'm not usually interested in her. It's not because she approached me (I'm cool with that) but 99.9% of the time she isn't my type.

    One of the greatest pleasures in my life is to see a woman that I want and going after her. I met my current girlfriend at a local coffee shop. She rejected me four times before she went out with me. For me, I would rather get rejected by a woman I really want, than to get with a woman I'm on the fence about.

      1. How do you approach a woman 4 times without making yourself look desperate or stupid? I am not saying you look this way, but when someone says "no" I take it as just that. I would be interested in another perspective. Was their anything about the way she turned you down that indicated that you should keep pursuing?

  36. As a Christian you should know that be careful using the Bible as the law of your faith and religion, it's a map and a guide, but it is a text. Most Christians regard it too highly to be critical.

    Also, keep in mind that most of the scriptures you are quoting were written at a time when a man approached and took a wife. If that's the case, I really hope Lauren London doesn't say no, when I decided to TAKE her as my wife. **Women these days aren't anything like those women in the Bible.** No more arranged marriages, no more arranged courtships, so the times are different. You can't have it both ways, you can't PICK AND CHOOSE what parts of relationship norms you will and won't participate in. You want to throw out the part about arranged marriages but keep the part about a man taking up a wife… suspect.

  37. So I started by trying to read the comments but um, I dont have time to read through all this sh*t. lol

    I totally agree with Slim. Any woman who is actually interested in a man and ignores his texts/calls just to make him "chase" her is an idiot.

    Personally, I normally don't approach men, mostly because I'm shy, but also because I do think there is some truth to the notion that if he's truly interested in you, he will approach and make an effort to get to know you. With that being said though, if I get approached by a man that I'm actually interested in/attracted to, I'm not gonna make him chase me…courting is a two way street.

  38. Sure women get rejected and you all have had to eat it but join the club. Judging by the comments, many of you ladies also lack game which should come along with this liberated grrrl power you all have. Some of you all should be held to task with approaching and getting rejected. Many of you all need it. Why?

    1. So you see what type of courage it takes to approach a total stranger, not knowing what type of day they are having or if they just rejected 10 people before you, wearing a scowl on their face while checking the phone. Get some!

    2. So that you are now in line with your empowerment by taking some responsibility in this dating game.

    3. So that if something good comes out of it you can say you tried and were an active participant in the end results.

    Eff a bible. Eff what those enabling old cats have to say…it's a new day. If the ladies who frequent these blogs tout themselves as "go-getters" then they should be able to "get" the point that it takes a solid effort on both sides, results be damned.

    1. *claps* I was sooo waiting for someone to mention your no.1 comment. Most women don't have the first clue what that feels like…. :0(

    2. I hate to be simpy… But you put that so eloquently…

      I have not heard any woman try to sympathize when it comes to that first five minutes…

      All I hear, is basically Man-Up…

      The Strong & Independent Woman Is Such A Farce, it's incredible… That ideology needs to shot… It has been taken too far

  39. I think we're talking about initial rejection and honestly if women can't get over that, they've got a long way to go as women. They haven't even gotten to Level 2 and they're bowing out.

    Level 1 – The meeting and courting phase.

    Level 2 – After a few dates, the man realizes he doesn't really like the woman all that much.

    Level 3 – After smashing, he realized that was really his only intention anyway, and stops returning her calls.

    Level 4 – "Yeah I like you, but not enough to wife you. Say, I'm nice, true and you think I'm the right dude. But there's another girl just like you " – Asher Roth.

    Level 5 – We've been together for a while, but i'd rather be single and mess with random women.

    Level 5.1 – I'm the type of guy who breaks up with my girlfriend on Thursday and gets back with her on Sunday night. Or, 5.2 – I told you i'm going to South Beach next week, expect an argument around say Thurrrsssday.

    Level 5.3 – No you can't move in and you don't need a key.

    Level 6 – I'm not trying to marry you.

    Level 6.1 – I know I said I wanted to marry you, but before I put this deposit down on National Harbor, I think I changed my mind.

    Level 6.2 – I thought this was gonig to work, but I never expected to actually be in front of this church saying, "I do" so i'm just going to roll out now.

    Level 7 – Our marriage has failed.

    Level 7.1 – I no longer wish to desire you sexually, but we have kids, so let's do it for them.

    Level 8 – Divorce.

    Level 8.1 – Prenupt, b*tch, what did I say about, "You don't get sh*t"?

    Level 8.2 – (And i've seen two men do this in the LAST YEAR) I'd like full time custody of the kids, and the kids also want to live with their daddy.

    The really interesting things about my comment is that most of these… the man is fully within his rights to reject a woman. I think there's an assumption sometimes that just because a guy is interested in a woman, he has to follow it through until nuptials.

    1. I agree with all but level 1. To me courting comes way after the initial dates and probably after we are in a committed relationship. At that point I'm determining if you are wife material.

    2. Yesssss… lmao.

      And Level 5.3 – No you can’t move in and you don’t need a key. kilt me dead. I have a friend there riiiiiiiight now.

      *clicks forward*

  40. In the name of the Papi, the hippie Jr. Son, and the cool Dove… I just had my dose of church!

    I believe that yes, men should court the female first, but at the same time, us as women, we're so gung-ho on the whole "equal rights" and "feminism" why can't we approach the man that we're interested in and court them for a change? Yes, rejection sucks, specially coming from a man, because we're not used to getting refected by a man, but it happens, get over it, go buy a pair of hot heels!

    I'm sure for a man it will be completely different to have a female approach you and "court" you, but I'm sure you will definitely appreciate the fact that we took the initiative to come forth and let you know we're interested.. after that, men, the ball is in your court…

    Good post Slimuel!

  41. "The sub-point was that dating, courting, chasing, or whatever you want to call it shouldn’t fall more so on one gender than the other."

    History and our current social structure proves otherwise.

    I know men like to be pursued…we all do. It's flattering and great for the ego. I just see that some men don't like to be pursued too hard or they view the woman as a heax while some women can't be pursued hard enough. It's the men are dominant and women are submissive nature. I agree that people don't take rejection well. Who likes rejection? It's all in how you deal with it and some clearly don't deal with it well…men and women. It's just harder for a woman to relate because we don't get rejected as often as men do (when it comes to dating). It's easier for us…unfair yes but true none the less. I think it's because men have a hard time rejecting women. Even if he doesn't like the girl, he'll still have s.ex with her…then leave and not actually tell her anything or why. So instead of this woman knowing she was rejected, she just thinks there's something wrong with the man. Why? Because he had s.ex with her so he must like her right? My point is: we don't reject each other well, so it's not received well, nor dealt with well.

  42. I know how to be approachable and welcoming. I know how to lick my lips, take a deep breath, put on my genuine smile and walk over to a gentleman and start a conversation. I know how to be receptive to a man's attention and reciprocate my own interest. I know how to fix a man's plate before my own. I know how to put my hands on my hips and be clear about my boundaries. I know how to tactfully end a "situation" that I do not want to be part of. I know how to bite my tongue and push forward for the sake of the relationship.

    I know how to do all of these things, and so does every single woman on here.

    What the majority of us women don't know — is when and where to apply these tools. And these are our "teachable" moments — aka rejection pie … which in all honesty, is just the natural course of life.


    1. Baby, once you start to chat you can't go back! *kidnaps you from Lurkersvilleburgton*

      Loved your comment. And true enough, flirting, being open, being receptive usually isn't an issue, til it is.

        1. I know, right? Looking like #NewTwitter up in this piece! I can't keep up so now I'm just searching for my name and direct comments!

          See ya real soon #Mouseketeers

        2. really though.

          i mean if i was on a blog site id skip over most of the comments too if the majority of the ppl were restating my former viewpoints or showing signs of respect without even realizing it.

          thats definitely a tough pill to swallow.

          -straight face-

        3. and for that matter, why would there be twitter amounts of indirect shots? um. WOW.

          thats some punk BS and at that point id know the war is won bc no one will take a direct shot, the only ppl who do are being respectful, and the rest of the ppl are too chickenshyt to confront me.

          my job here would be done…that is if i was in fact the person who triggered such a flurry of comments but i guess if i was no one on this site would have the gall to say so.

        4. Um, respectfully…what are you talk about?

          I commented that there were so many comments on SBM today that it was equivalent to the number of posts made around the world on Twitter. A hyperbolic statement meant as humor.

          I suppose if you'd like to take a direct shot, here I stand. But as you are well within your rights to fire said shots. I am within my rights to ignore them.

          You say bitchass, I say inconsequential.

  43. All i've learnt from this post is that i should invest in the nightclub industry because with the ideas/tactics ladies have right now there is gonna be a big market for the 30+ and single crowd if there isnt already.

    from what i see its a buyers market out there.

    Its the same things going on over here in the UK.

    Jokes aside finding the good guy/girl is just luck and personality.

    My woman of 4 years strong i met at the train station.

    We just got on. story done.

    1. George, this sounds good and simple but with all the antics going on now like who should approach who, it just gets harder. Dating is scary enough as it is! George congrats to you and your significant other on finding each other! when you find a great match it is indeed a blessing! But for now I am a happy single woman awaiting her Prince Charming 😉

    2. "from what i see its a buyers market out there."

      A man's lack of funds doesn't determine my value. The asking price is the asking price. If that means waiting for the market to turn, so be it. #IWillBurnThisBishToTheGroundBeforeIUndersell

  44. This is 2011. We are not brand new.

    If you approach someone and they reject you just keep it moving. I try to be optimistic. I have been rejected and that does not stop me from trying again.

    Case in point. my rejection: met this guy, we had mutual attraction, we hung out, he tried to hit, I shut him down, he no longer calls. That is fine with me.

    Besides if you get shut down you might make a new friend and who knows he might have a friend that is a better fit for you. (I am talking if you approached them on a I want to get to know you because I am looking for a life time commitment approach).

    My thing is guys don't know how to be friends with women (I feel) they always trying to smash. I might approach someone just to be friends or network with no intention on trying to husband him.

    I don't believe in games if you like someone feel them out. I don't like people with out manners just tell them straight up if there is or isn't a love connect.

    Women should approach men but do it with some damn sense and if someone calls you, emails, text, be courteous and respond… smh this is not rocket science!

    It shouldn't be all on a man….

    1. On the contrary…

      Guys (at least some of us) do know how to be friends but I believe there is a disconnect as to what type of friend you become. Of course we try to smash…it's in our nature, however I have friends that although we do share an inkling of attraction haven't crossed that boundary. Our conversations are great and we have things in common that keeps our paws off each other. We just relate…

      A lot of ladies think man friends = furniture movers.

      1. LOL @ furniture movers. I do have men as friends and the thought of sleeping with them gives me the heebee geebees!

        I didn't mean to imply that they cannot be platonic I am saying that it leans more toward the other direction.

        I don't believe in sleeping with my man friends…. no bueno.

        I do believe that one of your best friends should be your mate.

      2. LOL@ furniture movers, but you know what? Its true, male friends do help when you need them to! I am a firm believer that males and female scan have a platonic relation, though, I must be honest and say that more often than not, one party normally falls for the other even if it is never verbalized.

    2. i have a few female friends (whom are attractive and i am attracted to) that i've never tried to smash. i know how to control my d*ck and my hormones. sometimes s*x just isn't worth it.

  45. I dunno about everybody else, but my ego has just never been that big. Maybe instead of eating rejection pie, some folks should consider a slice of humble pie.

    Even in the olden days, I am sure women still flirted subtly. Women have been attracted to men since women have been on earth, so it is safe to say, both parties have always flirted and approached each other. Please stop acting like men are the only ones with eyes and hormones.

    Who cares if someone turns you down, you face this with other important areas of your life at some point. Why not risk it in the most important area: LOVE.

    Yes, you may be rejected…AND? Are you gonna sing a woe is me song or dust yourself off and try again? Guys have to do it all the time.

    I think it matters more what happens AFTER the approach. If you have $ex with the dude and he bounces shortly after the approach, that is your fault, you should have waited till you did your research. That’s not rejection, that’s you not looking at the big picture.

    Bottom line: A man approaching a woman doesn't guarantee he will treat you right. So why do it matter which gender does the approaching? You can be played either way right?

    Seems to me women have held themselves back trying to adhere to something that never really existed.

  46. I agree somewhat with the post. As mentioned in the comments women do their flirting/signalling in more indirect ways. We've all been in the club and seen that group of girls dancing waaay over there suddenly end up right next to you. For the most part it seems that women will come into your space but they usually do not initiate conversation. I am all for the woman initiating the conversation though. Actually, if not for that, I probably wouldn't be with my boo today.

  47. Lets face it too many women assume courting/dating are the same. No they are not.

    Maybe dude isnt into you cause he knows you got options as well as you should. But that doesnt mean he should start going all out to court you. Especially if you blazhay about him.

    I court when its me and her exclusively. I dont have to prove myself over the other guys (dating is now a reality show…the bachelorette).

    If this is what the modern women thinks dating is she is dead wrong.

    Also I tend to notice black peoples manipulation with religion. Well if we are going to use it why not go back to no sex til married and only for procreation after that…see how long that flies.

    Last at 35 I do have 12 thats right 12 black men, my friends all married to black women. These are men from the hood no less. So can we stop with black men dont want to get married.

    I tend to notice that their husbands werent the empty vessels of men that so many women complain about.

    1. "Last at 35 I do have 12 thats right 12 black men, my friends all married to black women. These are men from the hood no less. So can we stop with black men dont want to get married."

      all my black male friends that are married are also married to black women. *shrug*

  48. People seem to be getting APPROACHING confused with CHASING. Approaching means open, inviting… Chasing means desperate and lonely. You chase a dude when you can't get a clue(he doesn't call or come around cuz he doesn't want you). You approach a dude when you want to get to know him better. Once a woman has made the approach she should leave room for the dude to take the lead a little bit. Its give and take. You aren't proposing marriage or a Good Time when you approach a man. It's not that serious. And if you have marriage on your mind when you approach a dude you should probably go sit down somewhere.

  49. I've been approached by women. They weren't "easy" or "thirsty". They were interested.

    Quoting the Bible -> peep this -> means ZERO.

    *commence rant *

    If women initiated conversations were so not the way God intended, women wouldn't have mouths. A lot of you all make God seem small-minded. That has to be a sin somewhere… Respect the artistry! Things are designed to handle many possibilities. Wha? Remember when the first touch screen phone with a slide out qwerty keyboard came out? Tight right? Regardless where you initiate the input, input is being provided. You're still using the phone. It fits multiple styles and habits. Imagine that on a universal (as in the universe) scale…

    My God isn't sexist. My God doesn't have a gender. On the other hand, humans do that to each other. You all basically JUST got the right to vote, but then talk about you don't want to open your mouth to speak b/c you're a woman. wha?!?! Bet if I said, women should be seen and not heard, half will cosign with some repugnant Bible verse and the other half will flip their $50 wigs.

    Killing me…

    *rant over*

    And you know what, another thing… A lot of you use the Bible to justify sexist mentalities THEN turn around and use the Bible as a filtering mechanism for dating. Let me explain… A woman will broadcast that she isn't smashing due to the Bible then be the main one -> peep this -> initiating sexual acts. Be taking a homie clothes off and what not. Knowing the entire time you intended to have sex "when the time is right." Translation: Women will pick and choose an interpretation to sex outside of marriage to exclude "committed relationship" or "I care about him." That makes it OK. But say "Oh women approaching men is nice and should be done more often," then they pull out their Bibles to and claim it's not the way it's supposed to be.

    * rant over forreal this time *

    Let's add this up… So using the Bible a woman can justify accept sexual initiation by a woman, but not conversational initiation?!?! Then turn around and say, "Men only want sex." Now tell me how does that look?


  50. its a whole lot of comments already.

    here's my take on it. it shouldn't matter who approaches whom. i've approached women and our interaction didn't last but more than a few minutes. i've had women approach me and our interaction lasted years. if a woman approached me i wouldn't think that she was chasing me. i would get the impression that she was interested and then if i were interested in her I would act accordingly.

    i think that women who say they never approach men are indeed scared of rejection. it takes balls to put yourself out there. even i don't do it (often). i actually wrote a post last week on my fear of rejection: http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com/2011/01/07/the-

    women can come up with whatever excuses they want and quotes bible verses from here to the end of time but you won't convince me you're scared. you can't tell that if you saw a man that you really liked the only thing keep that was keeping you back was fear. i doubt you're sitting there at the bar thinking of Proverbs 18:22 hoping that he'll walk over and say something. o_0

    1. MadScientist7: "i think that women who say they never approach men are indeed scared of rejection…i doubt you’re sitting there at the bar thinking of Proverbs 18:22 hoping that he’ll walk over and say something. o_0"

      The Gospel according to Tunde. I'm sure at the time, the Bible is the furthest thing from most women's minds.

      Stop making feeble excuses, open your mouth and speak if you see someone you're interested in! Remember God hasn't given you a spirit of fear!

      1. i'm serious. as i was reading these comments i was just shaking my head. i'm sure there will be plenty of blog spinoffs from this one (one which i will be writing this week). it just amazes me how people want to pick and choose certain scriptures from the Bible to fit and choose their lifestyle and situation. shenanigans.

        1. i’m serious. as i was reading these comments i was just shaking my head. i’m sure there will be plenty of blog spinoffs from this one (one which i will be writing this week). it just amazes me how people want to pick and choose certain scriptures from the Bible to fit and choose their lifestyle and situation. shenanigans.

          I was serious too. That's why I said Proverbs 18:22 was taken out of context and provided a scripture that allows women to get over their fear of rejection.

          This kind of ties into MeteorMan's comment too, but of course people pick and choose certain scriptures to fit their lifestyle. The Bible even says that some people would do that because all are fallen. I can't think of any philosophy or religion where people stick 100% to everything it says all the time. The only people that do are the ones that have no philosophy to adhere to in the first place.

          We aren't rational creatures, we are rationalizing creatures.

  51. A few things-

    1) Whenever this subject of women initiating relationships comes up, someTrue Believer is quick to invoke the Bible or the animal kingdom as the "natural order" to shut down all critical thinking. If we were all following the "natural order," none of y'all would be using the damn internet or modern technology–and in the wild it's the lionesses that do the hunting…

    2) Housecleaning and cooking is not women's work…it's just work that men were too lazy to do so they redefined it as women's work. Many would feel me on that statement. Risking rejection and approaching someone your'e interested in isn't "men's work"…it's work that women are too afraid to do so it gets defined as men's work. Granted that most women weren't at the table when that was decided.

    3) Women-there are pros and cons to both the active and the passive approach. Go through them for yourself. The passive approach works only for a small percentage of women. If passively waiting for a man you want hasn't worked, do something different.

    4) Having said all that, I don't think this is a battle that men are ever going to win. Not because of all the aforementioned Natural Order fallacies, but because it's a numbers game and taking action works for us more than not taking action.

  52. I'm sitting here wondering………

    Does alot of this "woman should take initiative and learn to eat more rejection pie sometimes" have anything to do with the fact today the eligible Men to Woman dating ratio is heavily in yalls favor because we all know there are more of US single ladies roaming around than men and not because men get tired of or fear rejection sometimes too BS, so therefore you guys feel like you can just fall back now and wait for us to come to you, and if she doesn't it's her lost and its on to the next?

    Also, I don't see or hear these kind of issues specifically when it comes to older men (mid to late 30's and older) a lot of them still do the approaching first.

    1. No one ever said we want to stop approaching. Men are still approaching because -> peep this -> it doesn't matter who approaches who. That's the whole point. But to the large majority of women it does matter who approaches who.

    2. GirlSixx,

      The ration has nothing to do with it. IMO, not approaching a guy simply because you feel men have become lazy is over analyzing things (not you, women in general).

      I still honestly think women and men have approached EACH OTHER since the beginning of time. As attractive women, we just may be USED to men approaching.

      My husband is older than I and I DID the approaching. Now after I flirted a bit and gave him the eyes, he took it from there but trust me when I tell you I didn't lose any points in his eyes for it. He knows the type of woman I am and he knows I go after what I want in all areas of my life. That just tells him how determined I am, not that I am thirsty or desperate.

      BTW, women need to stop worrying about a ratio. That is taking to many other people in consideration and that will take away from you being THE WOMAN because you are always worrying about the next woman.

    3. I'm still in my 20s, so my experiences and opinions are gonna reflect that. Also, I don't advocate men ceasing to approach women all together. I'm just saying women need to stop relying/waiting on that. I will concede that the ratios today probably influence my perspective. I moved to NY and the women have been very friendly (for the most part) and had no issues walking up to me and saying something. I don't assume they want D because of that. I actually take them more seriously because they had the confidence, courage, and/or humility to say "let's chat" or whatever is said when they make themselves known.

      1. "I’m still in my 20s, so my experiences and opinions are gonna reflect that. Also, I don’t advocate men ceasing to approach women all together."

        youre probably older than me but im sure we can still bounce opinions off each other and grow from it. experiences like that kinda give you an edge in life bc positivity and wisdom will rub off you.

        "I actually take them more seriously because they had the confidence, courage, and/or humility to say “let’s chat” or whatever is said when they make themselves known."

        that's what im saying…

        high confidence, lots of courage, very direct and to the point…ANY female would jaw drop. its impressive. especially if you were to do it outside of friendship and on a courtship type level. a female would start to look at you as a man and youd probably get her attention on a deeper, more substantial level.

  53. Slim I couldnt disagree with you more! Men are built for rejection women are not. We are built for alot of things such as enduring emotional pain better but rejection from men just isnt one of the things that we were made to handle. I am traditional in many ways and I believe that a man should make the first move; though I must say I have taken on the challenge to make the first move in the past. From my experience it has never lead to anything substantial, the reason being, men usually take it as a battle arleady won and doesnt feel much of a need to chase or court as much which isnt the case at all. So any guy that I have ever had the guts to approach has ALWAYS turned me off! I dont think that men should be persistant with woman that show no sign of interest but by all means wear the pants and take charge! Court the woman you have an eye for; it is attractive and you will win her heart that way. I dont like men that want to move into the female role nowadays! Men find it hard to turn down women(the weakness), so even if a solid interest isnt there a man will most likely still converse and exchange a medium to communicate with a woman that approaches so the idea that we should take rejection doesnt really fit well. I cant speak for the ladies here but men dont turn me down and ive asked that question to my lady friends as well and they dont generally get turned down by men either. The men that agree with this post are a bit too in touched with their feminine side for their own good. Like really, when we are ready should we ask for your hand in marriage too? smh! The best thing for a man to do is to try and make eye contact with a woman of interest or be observant enough to catch a woman that is giving you the eye. Body language and eye contact speaks for us women, and men should react and make their move based on this.

    1. "I cant speak for the ladies here but men dont turn me down and ive asked that question to my lady friends as well and they dont generally get turned down by men either."

      I agree! I have no problem approaching men but things seem to work out better when the guy is the one that did the approaching.

    2. "Slim I couldnt disagree with you more! Men are built for rejection women are not."

      I mean…that is exactly the notion I'm trying to address in the post.lol. So are you saying women can't handle it when things don't go their way?

      "The men that agree with this post are a bit too in touched with their feminine side for their own good. Like really, when we are ready should we ask for your hand in marriage too?"

      One of the comments I got repeatedly on the post was that a man that doesn’t want to court or chase a woman is insecure or has esteem issues. My response to that is a question: Couldn’t the same be said for a woman that is hiding her inability to deal with rejection by saying it’s a man’s job? Sounds like a copout using an increasingly obsolete “norm” if you ask me.

      I'm making the assumption that sense women are emotional that feminine means emotional/prone to insecurities and esteem issues.

      Good comment though. You got my wheels churning. Pause.

      1. Would someone please tell me where these ROLES are written? I would personally like to know…seriously.

        I don't recall reading in the Quran, Bible, or Torah where women should just sit and wait on men to approach us. I am always learning and could be wrong so please share.

        Although we say we don't want to be considered the WEAKER sex, we are constantly putting ourselves in position to be look upon as weak. Black women claim all this strength yet fail to utilize it where it matters most: for ourselves! Be active in your life goals.

        Don't let a man control you, yet he is supposed control when and how you meet and how the relationship progresses?

        Men don't want to get married, yet you wait on him to bring up the topic of marriage for FEAR of what–rejection?

        It seems as if this post asks women to pee standing up based on the some of the comments. sheesh.

        To whomever said that women aren’t built to handle rejection—how so when you are BOUND to be rejected at one point. A man I don’t know rejecting me is like not getting the job I applied for.

        1. Beef- I was refering to rejection in the sense of picking of hitting on a man. We are not used to that and shouldnt have to get used to it either. My other point stated that most men dont reject women anyway(initially); we are a mans weakness!

          Nothing wrong with a woman that feels that she can approach a man; it is just my opinion that she shouldnt have to, she can naturally through him simple signs that he should be able to pick up on. If Ive given a man more than one signal to approach me and he doesnt pick up on it then I take it as he isnt interested which is a form of rejection in itself. But imagine this, a woman approaches a man to talk and he tells her he isnt interested? *raises eyebrows* wheretheydothat.com, just leaves a bad taste in my mouth!

        2. @ Pink

          "If Ive given a man more than one signal to approach me and he doesnt pick up on it then I take it as he isnt interested which is a form of rejection in itself. "

          So…you do see based on what YOU wrote that you are initiating contact right? Your one signal is all the man is asking for. He is NOT asking you to dance around naked with rings of fire on. Just some sort of sign that you are indeed interested.

          """"But imagine this, a woman approaches a man to talk and he tells her he isnt interested? *raises eyebrows* wheretheydothat.com, just leaves a bad taste in my mouth!""""

          My ego isn't that easily bruised. One man does not determine my worth, I do. He can very well reject you after he approaches YOU and you go out on a few dates.

        3. "Your one signal is all the man is asking for. He is NOT asking you to dance around naked with rings of fire on. Just some sort of sign that you are indeed interested."

          Dead @ rings of fire. But this is so true, Beef Bacon!

      2. Glad to churn your wheels 😉

        I am NOT saying that a woman cannot initiate a convo; I mean a business convo can lead to a great connection. What I am saying is that we want our men to stay in leadership roles. There are too many instances where the man wants to lay back and let the woman take charge "eff that"! Taking control of a situation at times can have good outcome but the woman is naturally more submissive as she should be to her man if he is manly enough! If you want a woman to approach you while you sit looking pretty then she is most likely to emasculate you in the future! Now you tell me the last time you fell in love with a woman that approached you and then tell me the last time you "hit" or tried to "hit" a woman that approached you, even though you knew you had to real interest. The man that secures his manhood doesnt want a woman knocking his door with flowers in her hand attempting to get a date, or does he? *raises eye brows*. I can see it now: Woman approaches man sitting in restaurant alone, he is tweedling his thumbs, and watching everyone passing by, hat tilted to the side showing off his best facial features as she approaches he bats his eyes to show an interest, and she says "you have the pretties brown eyes I have ever scene, how come a handsome guy like you is having dinner alone" or "Your feet must be tired bec you've been running through my mind all day" lmbao…

    3. Should a woman ask for a man's hand in marriage? The world is full of ultimatums from women
      that that they are LEAVING if he does not pop the question. Is that asking enough for you?

  54. I still find relationships & dating scary. But anywho, this was a dope post. Women could start approaching men more. However, I think when we say that it's 2011, and dating has evolved it should mean that both sexes approach one another.

    You hit him up, he hits u up, one day y'all go out, the next you don't. One day at a time ppl. One day at time. If marriage & babies comes, it comes. Be cool till then. Peace & Blessings, Pen.

  55. Many people have already stated my thoughts on the matter better than I could have. Just wanted to say this was a great post. Lots of discussion going on. Men AND women should engage each other. If you decide to wait for the other person to introduce themselves, don't be mad when they don't.

  56. it just amazes me how people want to pick and choose certain scriptures from the Bible to fit and choose their lifestyle and situation.


    Since I entered into my last relationship began, I have decided to do some intense studying of Proverbs 31 and the Song of Songs… It's really interesting to me how many women claim they are the Proverbs 31 woman but turn around and start telling you what all a man should be doing. That's not quite how it works. That woman is doing so much that the elders sit at the gate of the city and talk about how amazing her man is… She travels, makes wise decisions about money, gets up before the sun, etc. Now if every man on here had a dollar for every time he's heard that, he'd probably be rich, but if these same gentleman told you how many times old girl doesn't do laundry, doesn't cook, can't balance her checkbook, etc. then I bet we'd out some real stuff…

    And let us not forget… how many people s*xed the WHOLE weekend and then turnaround and quote Genesis to Revelation ALL day Sunday? This picking and choosing where you think it suits you to get in a relationship isn't getting you anywhere… it's stopping you from being honest with yourself AND finding a man true to himself and to you.

  57. Somewhere Somehow based on the comments today it seems as if men have turned as blind as an albino bat to our subtle advances (body language, smile, hair tousle, subtle eye contact, head tilt, etc.) that has worked without fail throughout time that lets you know WE'RE INTERESTED… Geesh.

    So basically if you see a chic your interested in and she's giving you one if not all of the above come hither signals you mean to tell me you would still expect her to approach you and say something?

    1. Speaking from experience…what you may consider a fliratious "come hither" another woman will say she was just getting something out her eye, or was just in a pleasant mood not directed at anyone (me).

      Since body language is not standard amongst women, it's a guessing game for us to figure out who means what.

      Just walk over already and say hi lol

      1. *FoldsArmsandShakesHead*

        I don't buy that. Nope. Sorry

        TRUST if a woman has mutual interest in you, there won't be any misguided advances or misreading her signals, you will know she's throwing them flares at you.

    2. Exactly!@GirlSixx.. my point exactly. NOw they seeem to be saying they want to throught the subliminal firtacious signs and we should catch them and procedes to approach smfh. There are gender lines that just shouldnt be crossed, but the thought of a man sitting waiting or wanting for a woman to approach me repulses me as much as a 6'5 300 lb sisi.

      1. "NOw they seeem to be saying they want to throught the subliminal firtacious signs and we should catch them and procedes to approach smfh."


      2. Nowhere is anyone saying dudes are sitting around waiting for a woman to approach them (which women do all the time, lazy bums). What is being said that the subtle stuff has no universal meaning so a guy won't know all of the time. Coming over and saying "hello" is much more effective half of the time.

        1. Animate- lol@ lazy bums. We are queens 😛

          IF you cant see the signals women throw then open your eyes up some more, or maybe you dont notice them bec you already have your eyes on someone else or you are off the market 🙂 > Men are always on the prowl; i learned that as a little girl. Even male animals have the same behavior. WOmen only portray a type of prowlish behavior when they are about to menstruate or if they are straight up desperate!!!!

        2. @Pink,

          Saying "hello" isn't prowling… The way women stand in packs mean muggin', we are always appreciative of a woman that stands out and uses her mouth. #pun

    3. GirlSixx: “Somewhere Somehow based on the comments today it seems as if men have turned as blind as an albino bat to our subtle advances…”

      Pink Sugar: “The man that secures his manhood doesnt want a woman knocking his door with flowers in her hand attempting to get a date, or does he? *raises eye brows*.”

      One of the more interesting things about reading some of the comments here is some women think men are either completely emotionless robots or are always in predator mode like Stiffler in American Pie. Women can use having a bad day or having other things on her mind to justify walking around with a scowl or turning down a man’s advances. Yet regardless of how our day has gone or what’s on our mind, we’re supposed to notice a woman batting her eyelashes from twenty yards away. Doesn’t matter if we’re on the train reading a newspaper, thinking about a presentation we have to do, listening to music, or otherwise distracted, we should have noticed her eight seats away smiling at us.

      I guess we’re supposed to always be on the prowl.

      All this talk about courting, pursuing, Proverbs, overturning traditional roles, and whatnot is just confusing people from what the crucial point is in the first place. The point being is if you like a guy, sometimes you have to put yourself on his radar; if we don’t notice you, don’t be mad we didn’t approach you. After we know you exist, then we can take it from there.

      1. You are right Hugh- I am guilty! Sometimes I do tend to think that men are emotionless. I also agree that if a man is not paying attention he may not see us, and if we are interested we SHOULD take the extra step to be noticed. THats why some of use where that hot pink pants or that red lipstick lol. YOu know what, that happens Alottt though, women going out of their way to be noticed! Im sure we all have funny stories about that type of scenario as well.

    4. @Sixx

      Being from the south, the line between being friendly and flirting is constantly blurred. The good thing is that typically you can approach a southern woman and feel her out without being cursed out. I've been in the northeast since the fall and I can't honestly speak on any instance where I felt as if a woman was throwing out ANY kind of a flirtatious vibe. Picking up on signals is variable. Showing some teeth and striking up a convo is not.

    5. @ GirlSixx

      I don't know what you're talking about….I don't see women throwing any of these subtle signs. Ever.


    6. Yes, I expect her to approach and say something, so that I will KNOW (forget this stupid hint,hint,hint)
      that she is actually interested and not looking to reject me. I will not be treated like a dog trying to chase a car!

  58. Something just hit me…

    I know women complain about "the ratio" then turn around and say they can't find/keep a man or men don't notice them generally.

    If the ratio is really that bad, then why not approach? Survival of the fittest? The ratio people complain about is even more reason to approach a guy. Even with the ratio, a woman probability of success would still be double ours on our best days. And here success doesn't mean relationship. We mean exchange numbers.

      1. I'll bite. When you get right down to it, women have been brainwashed to believe that if we approach you AT ALL, we are doomed to fail.

        I approached my love in a restaurant amongst a group of friends. Throughout dinner, he said nothing else to me and gave me his number at the end citing that I was warm and friendly…

        There's a lot more women COULD do…. That's all I'm saying

    1. Here's an interesting message from Paul Brunson, Modern Day Matchmaker, on Twitter in response to a question I asked:

      Slim: How you feel about women that approach men?

      Paul: It's important, especially since 33-50% of men are introverts.

      Factor that into the ratios…

    2. if you want my number tell me why you want it and come correct. its that simple.

      relationship wise im not approaching a dude and asking for his number. friendship wise, mentor/protege wise, being a good person wise, ill let you know im a good listener and if the answers yes youve got a lifelong friend. if the answers no…who cares?

      "oh okay."

      bottom line is guys should be bravehearts. if you want to talk, say that. if you have a question, ask. if you have something to say to me, say it TO me. if you want to keep me around, show me. if you want me to leave, tell me. let your balls drop and open your mouth quit computing the statistics of failure.

      1. let your balls drop and open your mouth quit computing the statistics of failure.

        We aren't saying as both of us are standing there looking into each other's eyes across the room, you absolutely have to approach. We're talking about approaching a guy on a whim.

        Besides, aren't you looking for a friendship when looking for a relationship?

        1. @ meteor

          ooooh. see, im on the "serious, long-term relationship, youre giving signals im giving signals" wavelength. nvm then.

          if youre not on that wavelength than i see where youre coming from. it probably would be a little nerve racking just approaching someone out of the blue not knowing if youre gonna get shut down or not. and if youre not going in with the intentions of a serious relationship than yeah, the female should approach.

          friendships are relationships too and if thats the case who cares who talks to whom? if you just want to be friends hearing "no" shouldnt be that much of a blow to your ego or your feelings.

    3. Having been raised in the "Ratio Capital" of the US aka Atlanta — I've had about ALL I can take on this topic.

      The problem with the ratio is that it has become certain womens' scapegoat for EVERYTHING:

      "I can't find a man!"

      "All the good men are taken."

      "Yeah, I know he's married — but that's just for now…"

      "Well, if I don't do , he can get it from another chick"

      "Ugh, dudes are only about getting a**!"

      "No, I don't like him — but it's not like I have that many options."

      The ratio might as well be the Boogeyman . Instead of seriously reflecting on how we may be contributing to our own single status and effecting beneficial change — some of us would rather blame the big ol scary Ratio!

      @Meteor & Slim — You gentlemen are right. If quantity is the basis on which women are making dating decisions, then yes … the law of large numbers should motivate a woman to initiate/approach. But that would be expecting some women to be rational and purposeful … it's so much easier to just point at the Boogeyman and lament.

      *Huh, I just re-read this … sounds kinda angry — OH WELL!*

      I'm on the accountability bandwagon — be responsible for your hits and misses. Rejection is a natural part of life, success is a natural part of life — the similarity between the two: action. Let's get it cracking, ladies! LOL.

  59. I was never taught that women should wait on a man to do anything. If he isn't my husband, I get the final say on my portion of the equation. But that's just me. But I have noticed a few things:

    Some women must subconsciously think that its a man "job" to approach because..Idk why. Maybe they misunderstood something about the whole dating process.

    I just think women are giving brothers they don't even know TOO much power over them by waiting on him. This is MY life. Not his. Therefore, if I want to meet him, why wait on him? It's not like your propositioning him to have s*x with you (or are you?).

    Maybe some women want to at least maintain the “well he approached me first attitude,” even if she does become a loose booty after he approaches. Trust me ladies, there are other ways for us to look just desperate. However, initiating is not one of them.

    Picture this:

    He approaches you; you go out or don’t even go out, just talk on the phone, chat, etc. You sleep with him not knowing his intentions—THIRSTY!

    He approaches you, you start acting desperate and needy off the jump—THIRSTY!

    So please spare me the act of women being all pure and virginal while waiting on their husband to "find" them. This is why I say it matter most what happens AFTER initial contact.

    1. I wholeheartedly agree with you.

      I think (where we're concerned) when we first started out, it was like we just wanted to kick it. He could go 3 or 4 days without talking to me and vice versa. That left both of us wanting a little bit more…. I think there's a proper dance involved in it all BUT a man can't dance without a willing partner and neither can a woman.

      Now… who leads that dance… that, darlings, is totally up for discussion.

      Gotta be cool and calm … move slow… focus… and go one step at a time…

  60. Without reading all the comments (225 is a LOT) I'll just say if we as women expect men to take "Ls" and also expect to be treated as "equals" then we should expect to do the same every now and then. No harm, no foul.

    ~*End Scene*~

  61. Welllll, I read this post about 12 hours ago and didn't expect to see this many comments already. Anywho, as a woman I will say that the reason I probably don't approach men is b/c I don't want to worry about being rejected. Hell, someone asked me out this summer and I remember telling him "No" simply because I thought he was playing a joke. I remember telling my Mom about it and the first thing she said was, "Why'd you say no? Are you afraid of rejection?" I ended up accepting the date after thinking about what my Mom said.

    I will say that when I went out this summer w/ this guy I approached him about going out on a second date since I liked what I saw on the first date. I remember the guy actually told me after our first date that he thought it would be the only one until I told him I'd like to go out w/ him again. So I'm pretty sure other men think this way too. Women are constantly preaching about how they want to be treated as an equal w/ men, but we always try to make exceptions. If you like what you see go after it b/c if you don't you'll end up seeing him w/ someone else and regretting your 1960s church upbringing. If he thinks you're a hoe for approaching him then you shouldn't be going out with him anyways b/c he's a shallow dumba**.

    The reason a lot of men probably don't call a woman back after a date is probably b/c she didn't reach out to him in any type of way. There's nothing wrong with texting a man after a date telling him you enjoyed dinner or whatever you all did. I don't think it makes you seem desperate. Now if you send him 10 text expressing over & over how much you enjoyed the date then you have a problem.

    1. @ Love B- I approve this message! Letting the man know that you enjoyed his company is always a good thing, #MakeAManFeelAppreciated, esp if it was an expensive date and you went in on the lobster and expensive wine lolol….

      1. I agree with what she said. IMHO I see a lot of women using the date as a form of "entertain me" time instead of actually being interested in the guy and whatever he has to offer outside of a free meal. I'm not saying all, but just noticed the pattern…

    2. Great post Ms. Jones – I wish that more women had your most reasonable outlook and attitude. Your man is a lucky guy, getting someone without all of the stupid drama. Stay well!

    3. Thank you for such an honest and forthright post! We cannot read women's minds and we are expected to approach and play these silly games. It is most refreshing to add your attitude to the equation!

  62. Apparently, no. Men are supposed to keep approaching women and never really find out how it feels to actually have a woman meet him halfway. Or have a woman show interest in him.

    (Which I think is absolute bullsh*t, BTW.)

  63. True story, I went up to a guy and talked to him on Saturday. He nicely shot me down and told me he was seeing someone. My feelings weren't hurt at all. I would have rather he been honest and shot me down than for us to start 'talking' and it never goes anywhere.

    *Not bitter but Thankful*

  64. I wrote a nice, long comment, but I decided to scratch it, and go with this…

    I co-sign this message. lol. Women should initiate more often. And just because you initiate doesn't mean he won't pursue a relationship with you, or court you, or "find a good thing". All you're doing is showing you're interested in an adult, mature, lady-like manner. I'm pretty sure God is ok with this.

    Someone once said… "Nobody wants God in a box, just in a book." God is a lot greater than the Bible, and people should try to get to know all of him for themselves in their own life, not just the King James Version of him.

  65. YOU guys got it. the posts were about me. the comments were about me. but in the end you did exactly what you were supposed to….got checked so hard you told me what my point was.

    -slow clap for myself on running this blog-

    @SBM staff, so basically shortywop is doing a rendition of her "grab life by the horns" sketch by barging into your office(blog post) with no college degree or prior writing experience and demanding a job! somebody is dying to be a guest writer by being as controversial as possible. like "see I have what it takes, pick me pick me"

    1. and since the offer was extended to me to do exactly that, it *probably* proves my point that its possible to do things on your own without a college degree. sadly though, i rejected the offer to chuck my deuces.

      i mean really…heres some daises and a tombstone for the entire sbm blog but i hope one day you guys see the example and learn from it instead of having the perception of an opponent.

      cuz if your KO move is pondering my viewpoints and saying positive things about me with an attitude im pretty sure youre just too proud to admit youre in love with me.

      -thumbs up-

  66. From a woman's POV…

    we're spoiled. Yeah. there I said it. We're used to getting our way BECAUSE we're women, and we're use used to men letting us get over. But now that men have broken out of that 'emotionless' mold, and are saying that "yeah we might want some of the same kind of attention we've been paying you", women don't know how to regroup and are slow, and sometimes unwilling, to reciprocate.

    Women know:men are not mind readers. He could take what you believe is subtle flirting as you being DTF. This is where women go wrong. If you cannot make your intentions clearly known, please don't expect him to have ESP and know them. We're adults. We can talk to other adults with sense. Just let someone know "I'm interested in getting to know you better." The way people have confused "approaching" with "chasing" leads me to believe that most men have approached you on some "when you gonna lemme smang that girl?" and you think you're being masculine for initiating conversation. Approach a man how YOU would like to be approached. Make small talk. If YOU can read his mind, like you want him to read yours, and he appears receptive, exchange digits and go on about your way. FUHTUHMORE, if there's nothing in your life that keeps you busy and not jumping every time the phone rings, you should find a hobby and the rejection won't even matter after a while. You may not even notice until you see him out in public again.

    One thing I would like for women to stop doing: giving men all of their power. Who told you we weren't built for rejection?! If you're mentally sound, male or female, you can withstand any negatives thrown your way. Women like to assume men are built for rejection when that is clearly not always the case. How many times have we been stalked, or been told "F*ck you b*tch you ain't that cute no way!" by a guy we turned down? You're built for anything you put your mind to. If you haven't put yourself out there to be rejected, how would you know?!

    1. You’re built for anything you put your mind to. If you haven’t put yourself out there to be rejected, how would you know?!

      lmao. Say word you're trying to get me psyched up to go out there and get rejected. I'm gonna go work on that custom "Built for Rejection" t-shirt asap.

      1. I think people are scared of the unknown. I have a HUGE problem with walking out on faith, but I realized being scared hasn't gotten me anywhere. So I'm working on that. I don't wanna miss out on any opportunity b/c someone could say no, romantically or otherwise. "No" is the worst they CAN say.

  67. I like the dating game the way it is… men approach women… men have to go through the rejection early…

    My qualm is that alot of "strong, independent" women… when approached are horrible at telling me they are not into me… and I have to beat i out of them… their is no integrity when most women deal with men in the first five minutes… and I have learned not to expect it… (but of course those same women expect the people in their lives to be honest with them especially if they are emotionally attached)

    Because some of the women I approach can mean mug you to hide the fact that they like you… I have to do double duty to figure whether she likes me or not…

    I don't want women approaching me most of the time… I just want women to respect the fact that I took the time to approach & of course be honest enough to tell me what it is (not gonna happen)

    As far as women being rejection later in the game… my response is simple… most people don't take the time to really get the to know the person they are emotionally attached to… simply put, either she is not being her best by his side… she is dating a bad boy and sees him as a reformation project… or frankly she puts herself in a losing situation…

    however that rejection hurts… and it seems like most people don't get enough of it so they can grow and be better humans…

    That is enough for now…

  68. I think it’s all nice and good to say that we should reject gender roles and such, but we as individuals are still very much a product of our respective cultural & societal upbringings. A lot of women grew up within cultures promoting the fact that men generally dictate the pace of relationships, starting from the initial point of contact. I know some guys have pointed out that women are not being asked to chase men, but depending on how deeply engrained certain norms are, you might as well be. The same way that not every lack of action on a man’s part is a result of insecurity, not every woman’s refusal to make a bold initiatory move is born of a fear of rejection. In a lot of women’s mind, it’s simply not the way that things should go, and no amount of arguing is going to change that.

    There was some mention somewhere that guys are better built for rejection, courtesy of that good ‘ole Y chromosome. It’s not so much that as the fact that they are better prepared for it. Even the most introverted guy present grew up being taught by various different mediums that it is the man’s duty to pursue a woman – be it a simple walk down the room to establish contact or working to win her heart. Of course, it is inevitable that not every woman will be receptive to his advances, but hey, rejection comes with the territory. Cool. Women, meanwhile, are taught to expect guys to make those very advances and to be the ones to determine whether to give the green or red light. The kinds of rejection that we are “prepared” for usually come at later stages, and when you think about it, are more devastating. Yes, guys do get their hearts broken and such as well, but even the ones who do will have personal stories or stories of their boys wreaking all manners of havoc on women. It could be the one about the aggressive pursuit of the woman who was later tossed aside when the thrill of the chase was gone. Or the one where, after stringing her and some other members of his harem along for a lengthy amount of time, he decides to finally let her in on the fact that she was never really a serious prospect. Maybe even the one where he waltzes into her life, only to disappear without a trace once his level of interest has dwindled? Oh, and of course there’ll be no need to explain anything because they weren’t all that seriously involved. I’m blessed that these have not been my experience, but having heard many a disheartening tale, pardon me if I’m not quite empathetic when there’s an outcry over the fact that men are left to face all the rejection from strangers who they’ll have forgotten within 24 hours.

    I am against women giving mixed signals or forcing a guy to make an ass of himself before giving him the time of day. I’ll always be receptive to welcome attention, and I’m actually rather polite and friendly even when I have no interest in someone. Have I missed out on opportunities where it seemed as though a guy would’ve made an interesting date? Absolutely. But I can live with that. I actually do strike up conversations with random people on occasion, but I’m not one to walk across the room for the sole purpose of engaging a guy. Besides, as much as certain things may catch my eye, real interest is usually piqued during or after an initial encounter. I can live with not seeing Mr. Eye Candy ever again, and won’t waste time worrying about whether or not he could’ve been “the one”.

    Finally (thank heavens, right?), I want to flip the table over somewhat and discuss guys and emotions. My dear gentlemen, it’s 2011. Being macho and holding back your emotions is so Stone Age. No one’s asking you to cry as you let her know that what she said hurt your feelings, but you have to realize that expressing emotions shouldn’t be a gender-specific thing. It’ll make a lot of women happy that you’re willing to discuss these things with them, and ultimately help your budding relationship. You can’t expect her to know what’s on your mind as you sit there stubbornly quiet and seemingly focused on burning a hole into the nearest object with your gaze. Sure, you can show all the obvious signs, but why not just cut to the chase and conversate? And hey, some women may look at you askance, but women in general regularly deal with a wide variety of negative reactions in the name of being open with their feelings. Now, go out there and tell ‘em how you really feel!

    …Not an awesome or particularly well-constructed parallel, but I hope some guys managed to realize that there are some things that women would like for men to change in the name of levelling the gender playing field. Or just to change, period. Unfortunately, wishes like these for the most part will be in vain, barring the exceptions that there are to every rule…and of course the guys who were brought up in cultures that were more accepting of men being emotionally expressive.

    1. I'll be glad to reply to you. lol. I have always (historically) been a introvert when it comes to approaching women. so, I have a terrible fear of rejection. I think when you have a bad experience (like me) when you first start to approach women (back in the day.lol) its hard to get over that.

      I think in my case, the pressure of hoping it would work out with this particular person (the person I am approaching) and hoping (sometimes praying) it won't blow up in my face. Detered me from even trying to approach women for the last couple of years.

      With that said, I do wished when I was in undergrad (04'-09') I taken the time to get over my fear of rejection. But I am also grateful that I didn't try to get in a relationship during that time. Because it made me work on my character flaws and in turn made me a better person.

      So, I hope in the near future (this year) that if the opportunity to step to a women (who has all my intangibles) present itself. I wouldn't worry about the fear of rejection.

      I am not usually this personal (with online peeps) but that felt good. lol. Thanks for asking the question.

      1. Lol, I wrote so much that I didn’t even realize I posed a question. I’m glad you were able to Express Yourself! (©Charles Wright & the Watts 103rd Street Rhythm Band). I’m sorry you had to go through whatever it is that deterred you from approaching women, but I’m glad that you were able to work on yourself during that time. I wish you all the best with your future pursuits! 😉

  69. for the record i would like to say that i don't like this merry e-life person. i've never been one to bite my tongue and i won't stop now. whoever they are i wish they would go away. that's the last i'll speak on it too.

    1. lol @ all the extra. i know i hurt some feelings by being a little brash but i mean…really guys? making me a celebrity?!?!? rofl. im so flattered!!! but really if thats how you guys felt than thats all you had to say.

      "i dont like you leave my site."

      oh okay then. im gone. just make sure the feelings mutual. *_^

  70. For about 36 hours….I would like the gender roles to be reversed. Let the women approach men for a change. Then maybe they will understand where some men are coming from when we say "Rejection sucks".

    Let US be the ones that reject THEM because of shit they have no control over. Like height….looks, and a whole slew of other materialistic crap that women judge men by.

  71. Good post!

    I think some of us women tend to internalize rejection (from men) too much and that's why we fear it. Probably because we are just overthinkers.

    **warning exaggerated and overgeneralized dramatizations to follow**

    Your man tells you that he liked it better when you had bangs and now all of a sudden you're self concious about your forehead. The cute guy from the bookstore turns down your invitation to coffee and you spend the next week trying to find a way to make him "dumb" or gay so you won't feel bad about yourself (or you go straight to feeling like a loser when he infact may be dumb or gay, lol).

    Sometimes we just invest too much in small things. Women worried about approaching a man b/c that somehow means they'll have to guide the entire relationship (the assumption that a date, let alone an approach, is going to lead to a relationship is a lot in itself). That's just too much thinking. Too much.

    Anyway, I'm currently working on being a more aggressive woman i.e. approaching men and, yes, it is hard. I don't like rejection and the fear of that can hold me back. But, if rejection is the worst thing that can happen, then I suppose things ain't that bad LOL.

  72. great post (as usual).

    after much comment browsing, my takeaway is this:

    in general, women put wayyyyy too much emphasis on these initial encounters with men; saying hello or sparking a conversation does not bind you to a contract.

    this is probably a good place to inject the subtle difference between "courting" and "dating." women tend to use the two interchangeably while i think it's fair to assume that men do not. 'to court' means "to be romantically involved, usually with the intention of marriage." men court when they're ready to settle down. and only then. nothing we do, say or wear can affect that. everything else is dating to them (if that). and since we as women have absolutely no idea when a particular man's internal commitment stopwatch will go off, why bother placing such emphasis on every single encounter with them (and yes, i'd argue that most of us do this when approached by someone we perceive as desirable, especially post-25)?

    it is natural to want to interact with people we are attracted to, but i believe a more casual outlook to such instances would probably take the edge off of the female-sparked initiation.

    it'll probably do us a world of good to do more dating (and as a byproduct of that, taste rejection every so often). who knows? it may actually help many of us to better discern when someone is trying to court us from someone who isn't.

  73. I prefer a man step to me because it let’s me know he’s going after what he wants. However, I am not opposed to approaching or expressing my admiration for a man I am interested in. Maybe rejection is not the issue. Maybe it’s a woman not being use to or not knowing how to come out of her comfort zone. Approaching a man is unfamiliar territory when men have always been the initiator. Let me give you an example. I use to be a hardcore tomboy and I am still a bit of a tomboy at heart. When I was a teenager I was terrified to approach the boys I had crushes on because I viewed myself as one of them. I was “one of the boys,” not one of the girls the boys wanted to get at. I couldn’t find that balance in being a tomboy, while being in tune with my feminine side. Anyone see the movie The Little Giants? Remember Becky, aka The Icebox, and her walking an unfamiliar path with her crush Junior? Well that was me from age 7-16. My mentality changed as I got older and tapped into my femininity. Most men in Los Angeles are bold and aggressive. As I stated before, I am a tomboy at heart. I usually leave my house with my hair down, earrings, no make-up, tank top, jeans and open-toe sandals. This look right here is minimal, yet men will approach me and express their interest in me. I am not going to step to a man if I’m getting hit on based on minimal maintenance before leaving my house. Not only that, if I do decide to approach a man, the last thing on my mind is rejection. What’s usually on my mind before I approach is what should I say? how old is he? Is he from here? Is he employed? If so, where? Is he in school? If so, where? Whether or not these questions get answered depends on whether or not I approach him. Another point is the fact that men are visual creatures. Don’t men approach women based on an initial physical attraction? We’re not going to step to a man if we know that little black dress gripping our body is going to get your attention. Women don’t hide their inability to deal with rejection by saying it’s a man’s job. We’re just not going to fix something that’s not broken. You men have eyes, so we’re going to give you a reason to walk in our direction to take a closer look and spark a conversation.

    Shout out to the Lakers and their Zen master Phil Jackson. Hopefully another dunk from Shannon Brown…His dunks are oh so pretty!

    1. this is a post after my own heart.

      But another thing that boggles me is that some women (not saying those that have posted in favor of men approaching women in this thread) won't approach men, but when a man DOES approach her, they're itch-bays about it. Like some have a false sense of entitlement of being approached, they can reject a man in ANY fashion.

      Pipe that shat down!

      1. "But another thing that boggles me is that some women (not saying those that have posted in favor of men approaching women in this thread) won’t approach men, but when a man DOES approach her, they’re itch-bays about it. Like some have a false sense of entitlement of being approached, they can reject a man in ANY fashion.

        Pipe that shat down!"

        I co-sign and double down!

  74. I recently approached a dude at a party- kicked my game, gave him my business card and towards the end of the night he saw one of my girls and was like damn. I asked him "do you want to meet her?" He never answered but called me a few days later talking about random topics. I immediately said "don't you want to talk to my girl" and he was like yeah "but how would you feel about that?" I told him that I'm cool with it and tried to hook it up but she wanted to see a picture and he didn't know how to send a pic with his phone. When I book a dude I won't always score a home run. But you never know he may introduce me to my future husband. I know what kind of woman I am and realize that everyone won't like me, but I'm cool with that– I don't mind rejection. It's the thought of not trying my hand that bothers me.

  75. Enough with all of this back and forth quoting the "good" book to decide who should approach who and blah blah blah..This is exactly why i only mess with Atheist White woman, Christian Sister always have some dumb sh!t to say smh

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  77. "Initiating a conversation has always been a 2-way street. There have been times where I tried to talk to women and their responses were less than engaging."

    “"A real man gets shot down and keeps it moving. At least he tried.” business is bullsh*t. "

    Feeling myself truly identified and I am living at the other side of the pond. I tend to be oblivious to women's advances when they happen though (apparently according to my friends), but to be honest every time I managed to put up with myself and talk to a woman, she either rejects me altogether or bores me in the second or third sentence her mouth produces…usually women who await in a corner to be approached are just weak-willed and insecure, while that might be ok for some guys, I just can't go for that thing…

    I think natural selection's rules had changed, before it was the man who provided and the woman who choose from the suitors that courted her, but now the woman has to provide as well, unless we are talking about muslim countries or the deep south, so the responsibility should still be 50%-50%, still women don't want to share that part of the cake for some reason…well most of them anyway, i do know some ladies that step up from themselves.

    Another issue is that some women here in britain consider courtship as an insult, so shit gets complicated…

  78. These women just do NOT get it! They have trained a generation of men to avoid the rejection route altogether and find better things to do with their time. "Keep trying!", they insist ( themselves scared to
    death of rejection), since they would much rather be approached, but men are approaching less and less, having learned their lessons ( men are people,too) .
    If the chase is not worth your time, you will not do it, and that has NOTHING to do with fear, just giving yourself , and your time, some increased value. Do you really want to work eight hours, get dressed and get out there and be rejected? There are better things to do with your time!

    1. True, men are afraid of rejection but there are also lot of players and many Black men who are "marginal" and can't afford to date/get married. I have no interest in being the breadwinner while he cheats or disrespects me or gets angry or him asking me for money.

      I just opened my options to White males as an attractive, educated Black woman. Almost 1/2 of my GF's just opened their options,so black men have to compete with White men for the Tops in Black women now.

      White males or other races know to get married and how to date women. Black men in many cases ask women to pay for dates and want women so they can live off them or just don't have the basics due to lack of Fathers and no training from a Good man. Most Black men's training comes from the Streets on how to treat women!

      Look at Celebrity Black women they're all with White males! I don't make excuses for black men's behaviors, I just moved on from them and abandoned them!

  79. Actually his article didn't say anything! The Facts are the facts on Black males and they look bad. From lack of education, unemployment, incarcerated, marginal, Absentee Fathers, don't know how to treat women, live off women, don't marry, Rape and molest young girls, Hustlers, Thugs, Runs to adultery/cheats all the time, too many OOW babies, poor credit, poor health the lists are long as well as negative

    I read the paper every week and I'm issued a "Death Sentence" for dating a black man and many black males are apathetic towards black women and children. They won't hesitate to uplifting WW/Non Black races of women over the own. They refuse to get together to change their Plight!

    My solution: I"m not lowering my standards for any Black men! I' don't want to see their Potential especially after 25 or 30 years old; simply put MOST not all Black males don't measure up. I''ve decided to do what Black men do; " cut my loss and run from their drama and irresponsible lives! Black males rarely appreciate when women help them and feel entitled to disrespect them or do as they please! I see this all the time! So a woman lowering her standards doesn't work!

    I am the new Educated Black woman and I'm not taking Mr. Marginal Black man after I worked hard and wants to live off me, disrespect me and then they uplift the next margijnal White whore after he gets situated based on skin color alone!

    The investment in Black males do'n't pay off long term., look around you!

    White woman or another race will reap some benefits from Black males but most Black men "Use and live off, always try to "Get over on Black women" . They don't believe you deserve anything even if you worked for it!

    Sorry, I can invest in Black men when it comes to a relationship!!!

    Based on your collective history and actions! You don't care about Black women and children and ithose negative stats show us how little you care! So I'm not sticking with No Black males and feel entitled to date/marry outside the race.

    I encourage all Black women to never settle for many of these Sorry Black males! Jjust look around you and the truth is in your face, Black men use Black women when they down and out, when they get something they leave after they used and abused you!


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