Home Women 2011 New Years Resolutions for Ladies

2011 New Years Resolutions for Ladies

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I’m sure most of you checked out the good doctor’s 2011 Brother’s New Year’s Resolutions. He gave the men some great things to keep in mind this year. But ladies, however much we don’t like to admit it, you know we have some work to do ourselves, so let’s not get left in the dust.

Stop thinking that single is a death sentence.
It’s nice to be coupled up, but it’s not worth sacrificing your integrity or pride over. Desperation to have a man so that you don’t have to be alone leads to putting up with all kinds of unnecessary bullsh!t. Which leaves you bitter and wary, which leads to you taking out your issues on the next man that comes along. Which leads to that man becoming bitter and disgruntled and taking his sh!t out on the next woman he gets with. See how your fear of being single affects everyone? Read this and then take some time to be by yourself and learn how to be fully self-sufficient. Only once you master singlehood are you really ready to be part of a couple.



Humble thyself
I’m tired of hearing ladies talking about what they would never do for a man. That is not the right attitude to have when you’re in a relationship or trying to get into one. I’m the last one to advocate lying down and letting a man drive over you, but you need to have some flexibility. You need to recognize that sometimes you will have to be the fall guy and sometimes you will have to not get what you want, or do something you thought you’d never do for the sake of your relationship. Ask yourself if you’d rather be right or have a happy home and if you choose a happy home, suck it up and be the first one to apologize once in a while. Would you rather be single or swallow some seeds every now and then?

Stop pandering
I understand that it’s hard for the so-called good woman out there. Men say they want a woman who is educated and self-sufficient and classy and whatnot but then they give all their attention to the simple b!tches in tight little dresses with no panties while you’re home alone with nothing but the rabbit to keep you company. I get it. It sucks. But this blatant ingratiation has got to stop. You can’t walk around telling men what you think they want to hear just to get them to like you. Not everyone is for everybody. Just be someone who is worthy of attention and the right attention will come to you.

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Worry less about his account balance and more about your own
I know I know – how a man handles money is a good indicator of his sense of responsibility and all that. But let’s be honest ladies, for a lot of you the real reason you want a man who is financially healthy is because you either want him to support you, or you want to be dripping in diamonds and Chanel without coming out of your pocket. And while I would never fault any woman who covets such things, trust me when I tell you they’re a lot more satisfying when you pay for them yourself. And even better, if you break up he can’t ask for them back.

Learn how to dress appropriately
I’m not talking about mampy girls stuffing themselves into clothing so tight I can see their name and address. And I’m not really even talking about girls wearing short, tight and scandalous outfits in a pathetic and desperate attempt to garner attention from a man who probably isn’t even worthy of taking out your garbage. Although if you’re doing either of those things you need to cease and desist immediately. No I’m talking about the little things, the subtle things that distinguish between a live (wo)man and a fresh(wo)man.

Ladies I don’t want to see you in the club in the middle of the winter in short skirts, bare legs, and open toes (nor do I want to see you begging the bouncer for line bypass because you left your coat in the car. If you can’t afford coat check you need to stay the f*ck home). That’s not hot. You look like your style game is so weak that you can only look good in the summer time. I have two words for you: weather appropriate. Get you a well-cut pantsuit and wear it with no shirt underneath and some hawt ankle boots and there you go. Oh and also? About that Gucci Marrakech bag? I know you saved up for months to buy that. I know you’re proud of yourself. I’m proud of you too. But that is not a go-anywhere bag, you feel me? If it’s canvas and/or bigger than a breadbox it is for function, not style. So don’t let me see you in the club trying to find a place to put it down while you dance. Get a clutch. Or a wristlet. Anything that doesn’t say “I spent my rent money on this bag and I am going to take it everywhere I go so help me God”.

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Embrace sisterhood
I don’t want to hear any more about how you can’t get along with women. Learn how. I’m the first to admit that men bring a lot of wonderful things to the table that women do not, but you need some balance. There’s something special that goes on when women come together in friendship and if you miss out on that you’re really missing something. And yes I know some women can be b!tchy and I’m sure you’re so gorgeous that girls hate on you for no reason and won’t let you play with their boyfriends but you know what? Not all women are like that. So find some who are not going to compete with you or be jealous of you. And while you’re at it, take a moment to consider whether the women you can’t get along with are actually jealous of you or if by chance you might be a bit of an a$$hole.

Don’t be the jackpot
When we’re in a relationship, we want our man to feel like he won the jackpot. That’s a good thing. But there’s a difference between making a man feel like he hit the jackpot and actually being the jackpot. Think about it – part of the thrill of winning at the slots is that you put a small amount of money in a hole and you get a financial reward. When you translate that into relationships, it’s putting a small amount of effort in and getting a large reward in return. So if your man is only putting a nickel in your slot, don’t give him $1,000 in return. Give him a nickel. Save your big payouts for the men who are investing significant amounts of time, effort, and energy into you.

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Learn the right way to settle
Settling has a bad reputation, but there is a time and a place to do it. If you are at an age at which you believe you’re ready to settle down and still painfully single, you might want to consider settling. The good kind of settling that is. Allowing yourself to be the jump-off of a man you really want to wife is a move only I can pull off bad settling. But reconsidering some of your must-have qualities in a mate and accepting an invitation from a man who doesn’t meet all 65 of your key characteristics is good settling. Sometimes you have to give a little to get what you want. Some of your deal breakers are things that can be resolved with a little time and patience and a lot of your must-haves are actually just nice-to-haves. And let me tell you right now – taller than you is not a must-have.

Show some vulnerability
Being an independent woman is a beautiful thing. Working hard to get to the point where you don’t have to rely on anyone for anything is something you should be proud of. But also recognize the fact that humans were meant to be multi-faceted. Being the tough, no-nonsense taskmaster may have gotten you where you wanted to be professionally, but it isn’t going to do you any favours in your personal life if you don’t learn to balance it with some softness. Learn how to admit that you’re wrong. Don’t act angry when someone hurts your feelings, learn how to say “you hurt my feelings”. Acknowledge that you can’t do everything. Be the first one to say “I miss you”. And understand that you’re not weakening yourself by doing these things; it takes much more strength to be vulnerable than one might imagine.

Like I said ladies, I know we don’t like to admit that we need to work on ourselves, but it’s time we took our heads out of our asses and got to work. We only get one life to live and there’s no point in half stepping our way through it.

Comment(77)

  1. Cosign on the coat check and weather appropriate clothing in the wintertime… nothing annoys me more than scantily clad women in the club in the winter. You can rock a mini with some tights and cute booties!

    Sidenote: If you can't break $60 at the club, maybe even push it back to $40… you shouldn't be out. Period.

  2. 2011 is the year of being 100% honest with myself. I realized when examining a certain magic list that I had convincingly lied to myself for the past 9 years and that's not going down anymore. How am I going to keep it real with everyone around me and stay selling myself wolf tickets!?! No mas mi corazon, no mas.

  3. There are so many things I disagree with in this post it'd take me entirely too long to write a response *smile*

    However, this is 'your' opinion and you are entitled to it!

    Smooches,

    L to the J

    1. Lady Jei I am so curious as to what you don't agree with. That is what this blog is about, different viewpoints…I really would like to hear your take on this.

        1. No, LOL! Max, its *e-hugs* all around, we just share a difference of opinion that all snookums.

          Allow to me to explain above.

          Smooches,

          L to the J

      1. Heyyyy Queen *waving like a crazy woman*, lol

        Not a problem, I can explain.

        1. Single being a death sentence. And the last statement really got to me.

        "Only once you master singlehood are you really ready to be part of a couple."

        Women were created to be apart of a team from the gate. So who we are as a species are' not of a singlehood thought process.

        And I just feel like that's where women get this "I don't need a man" mentality from. Which destroys relationships unnecessarily. YES WE DO!! And should act accordingly. We do need a man. Stop thinking, 'I need to be single for a while", for what? Your 25, you don't know who you are and what you want. Unless something happened in your life where you were traumatized then to strive for singleness is only going to lead to alot of "I can do bad all by myself" situations.

        2. Humble thyself. I agree to an extent. Because once you get married, and IF all things are going according to His way, a woman will become to submissive to her husband. However, how may times since the age of lets say 4 have you always been taught "little girls dont…." and ummm excuse lil mama but young ladies shouldn't….. So for most of us women, we have been taught humility again, from the gate. This is something, that a good parent has already instilled in us women. Its not a 'resolution', we have it already.

        And I believe we were taught these things TO be able to say, I have a good man, so what he leaves his big ole Timbs by the door, this man takes the trash out, we don't have a broke appliance in the house, AND he kills spiders. LOL!! We understand its better to win the war than to fight the battle.

        3. Worry less about the money he makes.

        Goodness, I went off (in my mind). A MAN is supposed to take care of his family. A husband is to be the supporter of the family. Now yes it isn't 1940 I know, however, he is stronger for a reason, he is bigger than women for a reason. He has the ability to make more money for a reason. If I loose my gig, or have to be laid off due to the bearing of children, who is going to take care of EVERY bill in the household. So YES I am worried about his account balance. I need to know that my husband can provide for his family. I don't think its no coincidence that a woman takes on the credit of her husband, not the other way around.

        So although I do not ask a man his annual salary, the topic of money will come up. Can you provide financially for your family.

        I do not believe a relationship should be 50/50, because when I don't have any 50 anymore, we've failed.

        4. Learn how to dress appropriately.

        NO man 'should' judge a woman based on how she dresses. My short skirt, bare legs, and open toed shoes in the winter have NOTHING to do with my ability to be a woman. If I am wearing this to a CLUB is one thing. but to a business meeting is something else. If I meet a man on a Fri night and that is my 'club outfit', then when we meet to watch the football game on Sunday afternoon, please know that I will be in a JETS warm-up. A business suit with NO shirt, yea that'll garner the same judgment as the woman with bare legs (enter sarcastic tone there lol). Because now he's thinking, 'this broad ain't even wearing a shirt, what easy access is THAT. I don't even have to take her shirt off, she came to the club without one.

        Also, I have plenty designer handbags I bring with me to the spot. A nice size Luella that has mink on the front, and your right I spent a grip on that bag, and guess what it won't stop me from dancing, getting a drink, and if nothing else it becomes a conversation piece. I have clutches too, but my handbag has nothing to do me having a good time.

        So my attire in a NIGHTCLUB has nothing to do with the ability for me to find a good man, if he happens to be in the club. I know women who found good men in the club. They like to party too, lol!

        5. Embrace sisterhood. Well I joined a Sorority, and that alone has taught me how to get along with those women that I probably wouldn't be caught dead with. LOL! So I agree there. I have a friend who calls women "beautiful". She does this all day, lol! "Good morning beautiful."-she says to the woman handing out the Metro at the train, lol! And it goes along way. I compliment women all the time. Especially if she has on a good shoe or bag. And that's how I got to my hair stylist by complimenting the women I saw with a dope hair cut, asked who did it, and now I go to her.

        6.Don't be the jackpot. So if according to you, we go into every relationship half-assed, we hope to gain what exactly….lol! You get out of it, what you put in. I get what you are saying in that if he doesn't show interest then why are you giving him all of yours, yes I got that. But I am NOT about to sit and consciously think "until he does x, I am not going to do y" Are you kidding me, lol! And besides if the woman has half o' brain she will know. But I am not going to hold back being the woman I am. He has the decision to take it or leave it.

        7. The right way to settle

        There is NO right way to settle. Women need to be realistic, therefore not having to settle at all. There is NO perfect man/woman. We all have flaws, and if a woman ever pulls out a checklist for man, that's why she's single. She is to know what she needs from a man, and the man is to then determine if she is the one God sent for him. Then he asks for her hand in marriage, God blesses him, in effect blessing her and all is well. But to 'settle' would suggest a woman is taking a loss. And at no time should a woman do this. The relationship will be filled with resentment. Know what a MAN is supposed to do, what your role is in his life and act accordingly. But there is NO right way to settle. You'll never be happy. I believe in the 80/20, but that 20 is something minor. Otherwise, would I really be bothered. He probably doesn't clean the sink out after brushing his teeth. Is that settling, nope because I am going to wash the sink anyway, lol! If he doesn't say 'thank you', we won't get too far in that relationship. I am NOT accepting that from a man who would be my husband, and I'd be on to the next. No settling at all.

        6. Vulnerability

        We're women, that is who we are. We were created this way, again. But virtue of Eve and that daggone apple, lol and God putting us through childbirth. Even lesbians are vulnerable. We are by nature. We don't have to resolve to being vulnerable. I do not know 1 vulnerable woman. Even the toughest women will never be tougher than a man. So this is not a 2011 resolution, its a 'God created woman' characteristic. We ALWAYS feel like we want to say "I miss you first', But sit there like an ass on some "I'm not saying it first' crap. Hogwash!! If your a woman, and you are dealing with a man, tell the daggone man how you feel. You know you wanted to after date #1, and you were all giddy and ish, LOL!! A real man will understand.

        See and at 4am, after coming in from work and having to submit spreadsheet of the nights events who had time or energy to write all that. LOL!

        Smooches,

        L to the J

        1. I honestly think you agree with Max more than you realize 🙂

          1. I firmly believe that if you aren't happy with yourself then you won't be happy in a relationship. I think this is what Max was getting at.

          3. I do not believe a relationship should be 50/50, because when I don’t have any 50 anymore, we’ve failed.

          I propose 100/100. All depends on how you want to interpret 50.

          4. Max was moreso talking about dressing apprpriate for the situation and weather to me…but I'm a guy and I don't get why women want to come out in little to nothing when its 30 and has a chance to snow *shrug*

          7. You agree more than you want to see. Changing the wording from settle and you reach the same point. Having some unwavering list is going to cause you to be single.

        2. LJ,

          Your #3 is on point, screw what them dudes talking about!

          I am a woman and I get pregnant, my husband does not. This can and will affect a woman's ability to bring home the bacon at times. This is why husband are EXPECTED to be the providers. Women have to take off or sometimes leave work all together for the sake of giving her man a child.

          Although I may not be all in his wallet, I do know my husband’s financial standing. It is important for every woman to know what is coming in and going out and if you disagree, that is just naive thinking.

          For example, I happen to be with child NOW. What I look like not knowing about his finances when I am guaranteed to be off work for x amount of time. Sure I have savings in place, but so….lol. When it is all said and done, he knows he can come to me, but he and well as other grown men understand that it is his duty.

          His money is meant to provide for HIS CHILDREN and ME. Single brothers don't and won't understand this yet. This is why alimony and child support exist, a man is to provide for his family regardless…get over it.

          Why is this only an issue for black men to understand?

        3. @Beef Bacon,

          Men have a p*nis and women have a v*gina.

          And what's crazy is that he is the SAME one who will tell us women, you asked for a mans POV and we give it to you and ya'll don't like it….yada yada yada, LOL!!!

          I ain't studden him, LOL!! (e-hugs)

          And I have NO idea why they don't get this. Money is important.

    1. Yes! 'Cause this thing called life is killing many of us.

      All of these "Strong Black Women" falling to their graves for taking care of all of the business, and not ourselves.

  4. I am guilty of 2 of the resolutions–I don't settle and I am slow to show vulnerability. I stand on my own two feet financially and emotionally and as a male friend often says, "Tiger Lily, can you show some vulnerability pls…men are scared of you since you have all your stuff together and don't look like you want a man!" He may be right. I am so used proceeding down the path of life, surrounded by friends and family, focusing on my career, that I forgot about my heart and about letting a quality guy get close to me. Thanks Max, perhaps I need to be a bit softer….

  5. Love the Post Shero!!!

    I am guillty sometimes of 2 and 9 but definitely aiming to do better.

    NOT Embracing Sisterhood is something I never understood, why do we tend to hate on one another without Just Cause?? *Shrug*

  6. Can't wait to hear the fellas take on this.

    I bet someone will say something like "ya'll need to bless the mic at least 2x every 3hrs while hooking up a 5 course meal". *lol*

    Happy Friday!!!!!

  7. Good job Max. I had fun reading this because it's pretty accurate all over. So no disagreeing over here. Enjoy your Friday everyone! ^_^

    SN: Lol I thought you'd link some of your previous posts to this one (i.e. boys are more fun than girls, saying I miss you, etc)

  8. I needed this motivation this morning..Im gonna print this out..this is good advice…You are telling the truth about being the jackpot.. I need to really reconsider the way I go about approaching potential relationships..I definitely need to be a more careful dater..Im so guilty of thinking being single is a death sentence.. This year, I plan to embrace it, and work on becoming a better person so I can be a be a better friend and a great girlfriend..

  9. I have nothing else to add… I have to so many improvements to make this year, I cannot comment on others…

    Would you rather be single or swallow some seeds every now and then?

    THANK YOU Max, for encouring women to swallow more

    You make the world a better place to skeet

    #ThatIsAll #TeamDP

  10. I always felt like women with no female friends are the same as men who can't see women as just friends. It's just something awkward about that to me. Yeah, I hear you, you grew up as a tomboy, or hung around your brother and all his friends, but still… I grew up around ALL women, like 8 at every family function and me. I still have male friends and women as friends that I don't sleep with.

    *grabs the remote* Mute LJ.

    I have no interest in what she has to say today. That comment screams, "Somebody ask me what I disagree about!!!" That's like when someone gchats you in the morning to say, "I had an interesting dream last night."

    I always say, "Cool."

  11. Good post Maxie! <3

    I hear you loud & clear on that 'right way to settle.' Now, figuring out which one of my 1,376 characteristics/requirements I should let go of is the question. Lol.

  12. ROFL @ nobody cosigning "humble thyself"

    Rule of Acquisition #255 A wife is a luxury… a smart accountant a necessity.

  13. Well although I disagreed on your "love experiment" I pretty much agree on all your points above.

    Good post and good luck to all on carrying through on our resolutions for 2011. :0]

    1. Nope, this is not the spot to bring THAT back into discussion, Mr.

      P.S – The guys set the rules, calling BS after the fact is just… silly.

  14. High 5 Max!

    I love the points on learning when/how to settle and embracing sisterhood. I don't think I will understand some of the reasons women don't like other women. To me, guys don't dislike another guy unless its something personal to them or someone they are close to. Women on the other hand, "That bish think she cute" is somehow valid…

    *boggled*

    1. To me, guys don’t dislike another guy unless its something personal to them or someone they are close to.

      You've never been light skinned have you? LOL

      Guys are petty too….it just manifest itself differently.

      1. Yeah, this weekend when I met up with my brother in DC he actually made a statement about dudes hating on him because of his light complexion.

        I was shocked because he has never voiced anything like that before.

        1. Yep. Dudes are as petty as females. They will hate on you for:

          1. Bein Lightskin and havin more [email protected] then them

          2. Bein Darkskin and havin more [email protected] then them

          3. Havin more money than them. Or a better car. Better clothes. Or more jewlery.

          4. Bein smarter than them. (Bein book smart.)

          The difference is dudes try to hide it while girls let their hate and jealousy show.

        2. This either mean that the guy who said people are hatin on him b/c of his skin is either a b*tch or he was speaking in jest.

          You know some times we just say stuff… That's the reason why "they stay hatin on me b/c" statement are so plentiful. It's not that serious.

          On the other hand, women will fight a chick that she thinks that think she think she's all that. Yeah…

        1. @ CPT

          Yes he is new in his industry (entertainment), he's young, handsome, no kids and very motivated…so maybe he will always have haters. I just hate people messing with my lil big brother.

          We were having a general conversation about people throwing shade for no reason and this topic came up. I asked him if he is sure that is the reason the dude was hatin’ or is that a reason he (my brother) came up with (which would mean he has his own issues…lol) That was the psychoanalyst coming out of me.

          I just never got the hater thing, instead of hating I would much rather find out HOW that person got where they are.

  15. Very nice post Max. I like the "Single is not a death sentence". I and many of my friends are deathly afraid of being alone. It really isn't the end of all and a good time for reflection on what you really want out of a man. Also, embracing sisterhood. I say it all the time but men seem to have this brotherhood that women don't. We NEED each other. I seriously need friends and I consider my friends like family. No one can understand you like another woman. I never understood this mentality.

  16. Good Post.

    I actually stopped for a bit at the Jackpot part.

    One Side:
    I believe that a person should always give 100% regardless of what the other person in the relationship is doing. If you feel short-changed, have a conversation and if there is no action then cash out and go back to the hotel. That "I'll only do as much as you do" attitude destroys relationships and builds resentment. Yes, I'm speaking from experience.

    Other Side:
    I also thought about that quote that used to be in everyone's AIM profile and is on many an FB page:

    "Never make someone a priority when you're only their option." or something like that.

    If trying to get a dude to wife you up, then I sorta agree with the quote. People need to see through the d*ck and realize when they're doing too much.

    If you're officially in the relationship, you need to be going 100%.

  17. THIS!

    Great post Max, I think as women we tend to run from the truth especially when it comes from another female. Glad to see the women agreeing with your resolutions.

  18. Max, this was a good post. I enjoyed the part about sisterhood because it is sooo true.

    The jackpot statement was also a good one, but I also agree with Slim that everyone should put in 100% — unfortunately that goes by the wayside because so many men are running game that if you put in 100% from the jump you are playing yourself.

    Either way…all of it is good food for thought and good information to reflect on. Thanks for the write!

      1. @Animate — you made me laugh at myself. I was just sort of thinking out loud when I wrote that — and when I read your response I realized how ignorant mine was. OK…I hear you.

  19. I love the purse thing. Women should know when to carry a clutch. Its so tacky to me carry anything else to a club. Didn't even think men notice a woman's purse.

    Plus, the sisterhood thing is so true. Have a friend that's like that. Anytime a new girl comes around she starts hating. SMH

    When she first met us she didn't like us either.

    1. Yes men notice purses. I've just somewhat accepted the fact that I'm going to have to by my fiance purses on a regular. She like big purses that can carry a bunch of anything. I like situation appropriate purses. She wants to be able to carry everything around with her like its a work bag or something.

    2. I "notice" them every morning on the Metro after being randomly hit upside the head, shoulder or knee…

      >:0[

      <<<Doesn't see the need for big azz purses

    3. @ Marilyn

      Oh we notice. Especially when that big ass pendulum purse swings back and spills my drank orrrr wacks me in my ballsack.

  20. Great post, Max!

    I agree with everything except #4. I'm not trying to be up in ol' boy's pockets at first, but I need to know that he's financially stable and will be able to support me (as a wife) if that's how the cookie crumbles. I know I can support myself and him too if needed, so I need to know that he can handle both as well.

    I'm with LJ on that point. I came from a home where my mom was a SAHM most of the time and she would work as needed, so my perspective is very traditional regarding that.

  21. I can’t get down with that SAHM stuff. If I gotta get up every morning and drag my ass out here to be productive, EVERYBODY in the household is getting up and getting out.

  22. Good post. Can't say that there's anything I disagreed with enough to mention.

    Good call on the dressing appropriately part. That's something that I've been trying to do. I already have less of a taste for the shorter things (when out, at least), and coincidentally, I've been trying to figure out what the hell I'm going to wear tomorrow night. Gosh, I dislike winter.

  23. LOL @ "Swallow some seeds every now and then"… I agree! Spotters are quiters. Lol, but on a serious note I understand that women have to keep a certain level of vulnerability, but I feel like it's gotten to a point where alot of women are cold-hearted fo fear that they might leav themselves open to whatever they feel men these days are capable of. It goes back to how women generalize most men and assume that every man is out to smash & dash or use & abuse them. That's all I gotta say on the matter.

    #TRiiBENATiiON

  24. Once I got over the shock of "swallow some seeds" I was able to actually comment and as usual you have not disappointed. I have no idea how you have managed to put such a male spin on things that make perfect sense for us ladies in the New Year but you have done it and for that I am grateful.

  25. Hi, All. I'm a regular lurker who is delurking for the first time on this site. I really enjoyed this article. Nothing was said that was new to me (as I went through this process yeeeeears ago), but a good reminder is always welcome.

    One of my favorite lines, "And while you’re at it, take a moment to consider whether the women you can’t get along with are actually jealous of you or if by chance you might be a bit of an a$$hole!" A-and-MEN! I find that this is the case with too many women who 'don't really get along with other women'…

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