Let me preface this post by saying this will be more ignorant than Rza. For those of you who don’t listen to Kanye West or hip-hop, because I know most of you roll together, Rza makes that track when he says, “Champagne wishes and thirty white b*tches!”
One time me and my boy are hanging out at this house party and we meet this white girl, she was giving my boy the eye. Now my boy is a Black guy, he’s not one of those types of Black guys you have to remind him that he’s Black from time to time. So it wasn’t like when white women go ape nuts over Lenny Kravitz, it was more like when white women want to have Kevin Garnett’s children in and around their faces. Anyway, we said we were going out and alluded to the fact that we were going to a hip hop set after this. This chick blurts out, “I’m down!” She must have been trying to get out of there anyway.
Did I mention we were the only two Black guys at this house party? “Damn … that’s wack!”
Fast forward … people had some drinks, got drunk, we talked about hip hop, she shared with us why she prefers Black men, (all white women have this weird need to tell us that ish, like we need to know. I always say some really ignorant afterwards like, “Personally, I just think white and pink compliment each other really well.”). Anyway, we were about to go home, when she said something to the effect of, “I know it’s late so you don’t have to take me back, I can catch a cab” or something. And in my head, I’m thinking, what she’s really trying to say is, “invite me over and say you’ll take me home in the morning.” But my boy wasn’t really crisp in the Caucasian way, so he was trying to be a gentleman and said, “I’ll take you home, don’t worry about it.” Basically, he was acting like MJ and Brooke Shields, and in my mind, I was thinking exactly what Eddie was thinking.
All that to say, a few weeks back I go on her page, and she’s got a boyfriend, a Black guy. He looks like he even might be shorter than her. That’s almost like the Black dude dating the white chick from the trailer park, he just had to have him a white chick. Anyway, she’s got like 48 profile pictures on Facebook, and in about 30 of those pictures she’s making out with this Black guy. And while I’m clicking through this page, I’m thinking two words … Emmett Till. I thought that if that was my boy, I would have definitely been like, “Son, tell her to take that ish down before the Klan shows up.” But then I had my epiphany; that negro does not give a sh*t. And before my thesis let me tell you this from experience, if you are intending on dating anyone outside of your race, then you must, not give a sh*t.
That girl was cool as hell. I really liked hanging out with her. She was like one of the guys, but it was no getting around that she was white as cocaine. But it was cool. Sort of like when DJ Khaled uses the n-word, you feel a little awkward about it, but it’s cool. Therefore, and I really believe this, as long as Black men continue to roam the earth, there will always be a great number of them who find funny and slightly crazy white women sexy and want to have sex with them.
And with that said, I love Chelsea Handler! I can’t stand late night TV, only two shows I watch are the George Lopez Show and Chelsea Lately. George stay having the baddest women in Hollywood on his show and Chelsea is bat sh*t crazy …and I love it.
And word to everything I believe in, a lot of brothers don’t find Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson or any of those like white, white, WHITE girls attractive, they just don’t see it and that’s fine. Those same people think Sarah Silverman and Natalie Portman are kind of sexy on the low. You know why? Because they are funny. And Chelsea is hilarious. I know it’s controversial to say this, but I could not stop laughing at the VMAs. The only people who didn’t find her funny were Black women and white women who watch too much Oprah. It was downright hilarious to me. Well, there were a few Black men who didn’t find it funny, but they are also like those men who comment on blogs on a P.C. tip, as if they will one day meet the women who also frequent the site and they might want to push up. They don’t really mean that ish, they just doing it for the shameless act of self-promotion.
I did some searching around the Internet in circles where women hate on other women and say things like, “I just don’t get it. I’m not hating, but I don’t get it.” That’s a P.C. way of saying, “I hate that heffer the most!” And so, here were three reasons why Black men like Chelsea Handler:
The funniest reason: “Nothin’ special about her. N*ggas just like her because they know she likes N*ggas.” But I’m not going to lie, that’s kind of true. 75% of Black men only approach women after they find out that she jumps off with men like them or close enough to them that they think they can emulate the guy’s game.
Semi-valid reason: “Chelsea is a guy’s type of girl.” She does seem like she likes to kick it with the guys, and offer worthwhile commentary. I still think my favorite episode of Chelsea Lately was when she had T.I. on the show and was joking with him about his legal woes and going to jail. Tiny can’t even make those jokes. White women struggle to find something to get on top of Black women with, trust me on that. It has to be personality, low self esteem, great helmet or a comparable fatty, but never big breasts. I dated a chick who looked like Lucy Pinder, and that experience was filled with #nosigns. But a fatty and a cool personality and sisters were like, “She cool, I like her for you.”
“Black men, nod in agreement while squeezing their girl a little tighter” reason: Black men think white women are freaks. Most, if not all of the sites I visited said something about Chelsea is probably doing all types of ghastly sexual acts that you could never imagine Black women doing. I been saying for about a year now, I don’t think that’s true. The amount of Black women who just enjoy nasty, filthy, dirty, rougher than rough sex is higher than the rent. Black women just skirt the issue by trying to throw you off by informing you that they aren’t some white woman whenever you try something freaky. That’s a damn lie though. Don’t believe me, next time you with your girl and hitting it from behind, lick your thumb and then stick it … well nevermind, but trust me her response will be, “I ain’t some white woman.” Black women can blame themselves; they’ve got most Black men thinking that white women are freaks and will do any and everything in the bedroom.
Whatever the reason is the fact of the matter is Chelsea is here to stay, at least until the next funny white girl comes along. I can tell you funny things that Chelsea has said to flirt with Black men. “I love a Black man with gifts.” That was pretty funny. I can’t tell you something that a famous Black woman has said that moved me. Wait, one time Paula Patton said that she sends sex pics to Robin Thicke all the time. In my opinion, her whiteness made her do that. Don’t front like you don’t blame stuff Mariah or Alicia do on their white side. And, we know about my favorite Kim Kardashian quote, but now there’s this:
“I was nine years old. My parents wanted me to… I was new to America so my English wasn’t so great at that time so they were like “you know what? We’ll send you to a little class where you can make friends and learn English and what not.”” Mila Kunis, 2011.
The girl didn’t learn English until the age of 7. Now that’s sexy. Mila Kunis on the come up.