Home Dating & Relationships Dating When Bad Conversations Happen To Good People

When Bad Conversations Happen To Good People

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She's serious though??

*** ADMIN NOTE***

Got another guest jawn from the homie Drew Shane! Enjoy!!

– SBM

****

When you first meet someone, you speak. You converse. What someone says and how they say it are indicators of where the conversation can or won’t go.

For some people, striking up a conversation presents some challenges. I can understand nerves, especially when you’re really feeling a person, or at least think. Again, indicators.

Bad conversations do exist and can happen to good people. These conversations aid in setting the pace for someone not to return like the examples below:

She Got A Big… And Know How To Use It– There’s no need to use “efficient, proficient and disseminate” in one sentence. I’m not your English professor nor am I recommending you for a prestigious law firm. We are having a conversation not working on our thesis paper. I don’t know why people feel they have to show you how smart they are. Not that I’m not for advancement of education outside of undergraduate but I’m a graduate from the education system too. So I know what you are going through. You’re not turning me on because you’re using words I haven’t heard of. I’m just going to look at you like you’re the fool.

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Wait, Come Again– Remember what you told me. If you said you’re in law school and then when we finally connect for a longer conversation on the phone you say “Oh, I’m thinking about going in law school.” Now being and thinking are two different things. I’m not sure how you got those confused. Maybe I’m confused here. Same goes for occupations too.

Uh-huh, OK, What’s Up- Shut Up!– Can I get a word in? Please. You’re not going to get to know me by doing all the talking. You know if I’m not asking you any questions I’m tired of hearing you speak. So just shut up and ask me something. A conversation works both ways. You’re supposed to send and receive messages. If all you’re doing is sending, perhaps you should reevaluate how a conversation works. Or just email me, if you want to keep talking uninterrupted.

No You Haven’t Been Running Through My Mind– I think we’ve established we’re both attracted to each other. Or at least me because I wouldn’t want to learn more if I wasn’t. I’m not good at taking compliments. So this just might be for me. I can’t take too many compliments. I get it. Throughout the conversation, you don’t have to compliment me on every little thing. That’s not going to make me talk to you longer. But what will end a conversation sooner, is using pick-up lines. I didn’t think it was the 90s. Last time, I checked all TV sitcoms and Tyler Perry movies have used all the pick-up lines possible. Just be natural. Women are just as guilty too. Once we exchange one, that’s good enough for me. Too much flattery, isn’t a good thing.

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Just building enough courage to approach someone can be tough. So some things can slide, right?

Ladies and gents of SBM, what are some things you hate to hear in a first conversation with someone you’re feeling? We’re family, so share some of your good bad experiences meeting people.

— For more information on the homie Drew-Shane, visit  www.heardhimsay.com and make sure to follow him on Twitter @drewshane.

Comment(70)

  1. When initilaizing a conversation, I somehow like to throw the simple question "so tell me about yourself?" in in the mix , if you begin this sentence with your occupation and/or your educational background I have immediately lost interest. As a person we must be defined by more than just our occupations and scholastic acheivements. Stay away from the cliches and open up.

    1. I think that's a great way to kick off a conversation. I'm not too concerned in all that extra stuff. I am but we'll get there. Guess, I'll go practice on my two-minute commercial 'speech' in case someone asks this.

    2. "so tell me about yourself?"

      I do not like that question! Basically I do not like vague questions. To me it comes off like a filler.

      1. It's more of a filter to me than a filler. Depending on how this question is answered will give me some insight into what out conversation will be like.

      2. That is an interview question. So you may take them back to feeling as if they are in front of a panel trying to get a job with that question Gary.

        I hate this question too. I want to ask…

        What specifically do you want to know?
        That is a very broad question and it will get all type of answers.

        1. YES! Thats exactly what it is… and I hate interviews. Plus I feel like they really want to know the answer only when the question is specific.

    3. I hate this question. Personally when I have this question thrown at me *eye rolls* I feel obligated to provide half-assed answers.

  2. I don't want to hear anything about how great you are. Some men to talk about money money money and their hustle about making money. I don't want to hear it.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate
    Tiffany

  3. You'd be surprised at how much you can learn about a woman just by listening to her. I think the key to being a good conversationalist is asking elucidating questions that give her the opportunity to be heard. I like to step outside of the box of normal conversation and ask questions that come from left field. Most of us have been talking about ourselves for years, so much so that what we're saying isn't always an honest representation of who we are. I like to ask questions not about who a person is, but, about the world, and then, from their answers I'm usually able to form an opinion about them. I'm definitely big on questions.

    Another part to being a good conversationalist is that you can't be afraid to challenge people. If I hear something that doesn't make sense to me, or sounds mad generic, I'll usually, playfully – call them on it. Women love to be challenged, and if you do it in a way that doesn't come of douchey or offensive, you'll usually force them to give a better answer, and they'll appreciate you for it.

    Lastly, one of the more important things that's been lost in these days of cell phones, instant messages and emails is the importance of eye contact. Don't be a weirdo about it and gaze intently into her eyes non-stop. But when she gets to the part of the sentence where she's making her point, look at her in her eyes to let her know you're really digesting what she's saying. The nakedness she feels with you looking her in her eyes will at first lead her to feel a little vulnerable around you (which is a good thing) but, by the end of the night, it will usually disarm many of her inhibitions, giving you a real opportunity to get to know her and judge whether or not you're really attracted to her. Plus, she'll love the fact that she has your full attention.

    1. "and gaze intently into her eyes non-stop. But when she gets to the part of the sentence where she's making her point, look at her in her eyes to let her know you're really digesting what she's saying. "
      – this is also a good way to get the panties. It was written. Also, women will interpret this as "he cares" plus it's a benefit for you because it will force her to choose her words wisely.

      I cosign everything you said here. Part of being a good conversationalist is asking questions then listening. I can hear the smallest details in what people say. I hate people who dominate a convo.

    2. My biggest pet peeve (alluded to here and in the original post) is that text messaging back and forth counts as conversation. Really now? I'm sure there's been a post re: this recently, so I won't beat the point to death. But, I think it's a valid point nonetheless.

  4. I am a very honest person and I don't ask a lot of questions. I usually let a person talk themselves blue in the face and I get a pretty good idea of who they are and what they are about (even when they're hiding things) from the conversation alone.

    I'm not really in the market to meet a lot of new people, but this technique usually works every time.

      1. @Merci, then we can both sit there silently until somebody flinches! (just kidding) if that is the case I will probably ask some general questions to lead the conversation back to water.

  5. I hate being asked about my job. To me its just code for "How much money do you make." I've argued this point before. Women always say its a natural thing to ask. I beg to differ. I hardly ever ask a women about her job unless the subject comes up naturally. There is so much more to people than there jobs. I really feel people use the job conversation to assess your income.

    1. Considering that a big portion of our time (8-12hrs depending on job) How could you avoid that question? Where you work and the type of work you do says alot about a person.

      1. "Where you work and the type of work you do says alot about a person. "

        It just says what you do to make money. I am sure some people would hate to be associated with their jobs once they clock out.

        Especially in this economy, many people deal with jobs they rather not because of the need for extra income.

        Have you heard people try to give the reasons they worked a particular job right after telling you where they work? As if they automatically have to explain why.

        "yeah, I work at Burger King but I want to do something else, I thought about…."

        Those statements say a lot too.

        1. I agree. A person isn't their job. For SOME people is part of a plan, a career. Then there's something to talk about.

          I think if you don't have a job that you feel that's worthy of conversation, follow-up immediately with a question for the other person.

        2. I meant moreso for those (like us on the blog) who have Careers in fields where we may have studied in college.

          Like Doctors, Lawyers, Accountants, Engineers, Scientist, Artist, Musicians, Pr0n stars, you get the point.

          I think its a proper question and I don't get offended by it at all.

      2. My job pays the bills. It is not who I am. The last thing I want to do is talk about my job after work. That's why I don't watch the Office. I work in an Office. Why would I go home and watch a show about an Office. Aren't you supposed to talk

        about things you like. I don't hate my job but its not something I need to talk about. Plus, as I mentioned before, its really just code for "how much money do you make" "are you a white collar brother or a blue collar brother." Let's keep it real. That's all they really want to know. I'm not Jacque Custeau. My tails of government contracting aren't that interesting. 🙂 Well some are actually….

    2. Really? I ask about careers and stuff. It was more out of curiousity because jobs are important now a days just like being financially stable. Like if you would have said "Pimp"…the date would have been over. Knowledge is power.

      1. I don't know…..It is just always pleasntly surprising when "So what do you do?" is not the first thing out of a women's mouth. Makes me think my job is what's most important to you? Its a goldiggeresque question LOL

  6. I am a great conversationalist. I love to talk and I love to listen. You get the best of both worlds with me.

    I don't like when men try to steer the conversation towards s*x..or body part size, etc…don't try to tell me how you can knock the box out and all of that…I think that is so rude and childish…don't say "hey redbone" or anything pertaining to my complexion…that will get you eliminated right off the bat.

    1. OMG I have to cosign all of this and I hate "red bone" and letting me know how you gonna break me in, etc. Men in the south are famous for this.

  7. I don't wanna hear about your salary and how much money you make.

    A small part of the convo can be about work, but I really don't wanna talk about that. I'm trying to have fun and get to know you. Don't beat me over the head with the work talk too soon. I can't take it. Plus it makes me think you have nothing else going on. I know a lot of people like that. All they "have" is work.

    That you don't like to read.

  8. I want to cuddle with this post by the ocean while sipping on rum punch. Yes! I have an eye roll problem with people who are word snobs or say anything unrealistic to show how smart they are. I almost never say why I have the word "smart" in my username. I almost tell anyone how intelligent I am. If you have a convo with me, I use words like "aint" "dem" "rass" and my all time favorite "nig"…unless I'm in mixed company lol. I don't feel the need to let you know that I know what abiogenesis is. Vocabulary and text book knowledge DOES NOT equal intelligence. This is why I don't like to hang out with geniuses and stick with regular smart folk. I cosign everything else you said. I hate liars, jabber jaws and story tellers. Don't fluff me.

    I would like to add:

    Braggers – it's one thing to let me know what you've done, especially if I ask but it's another thing to make it your mission to sell me and everyone you come in contact with, on your greatness.

    Small minded – I typically don't like to discuss people….especially people bashing. I refer to that as HATE. I don't care about how much of a b*tch your baby mama is or how slutty your ex is. I don't care.

    S.ex – now this is going to sound hypocritical because I talk s.ex so much on blogs but I actually get completely turned off by people who talk about s.ex when the convo wasn't invited…or tell me what they want to do to me s.exually. Negro please!

    This is the fastest way to go from 20 down to 0 with me: On a date, convo was great…so great that we spent 3 hours in the restaurant chopping it up about everything. I was feeling him. Then he said this "What's your fav position". -_- I'm no prude but I'd like to think that as a woman, I would invite this type of convo. Clearly I didn't invite it. I didn't even answer him and he says "I like doggy but s.ex with me is somewhat painful." -_- He goes on for about 30 mins in what was supposed to be him attempting to tell me about how painful s.ex with him is BUT he was really just trying to tell me about his penis size. (Fellas, we are hip to this game) Yadda yadda…it curves….yadda yadda…too thick….etc. Negro please!

  9. I hate intellectual snobs. You know people that don't watch TV or football and think that makes them superior……no it just makes you boring. My thing is; if you don't watch TV, football, play video games etc. etc……….I'm expecting you to be the worlds greatest conversationalist……..but 9 times out
    of 10 these people are boring as a box of rocks.

  10. One of the best conversations I've had upon initially meeting someone was the lunch date I had with my last lady friend.

    I could tell she was nervous as all get out so I tried to lighten the mood.

    I literally told her I was perfect and kept a straight face with it.

    I think one of the worse things you can do is ask an open ended question. Try to bring up things that will spark discussion on both parts.

  11. This may sound sac-religious but I can't stand women who drown conversations with there religion & or lack their of.

    If I wanted to hear a sermon I would have gone to the 7pm Wednesday service!!!

    1. I agree. I'm lookin to see if you live like a Christian. Not how many times you can name-drop Jesus or tell me how great your church is. Or how great your pastor is.

  12. I'm at a point where I have a lady and enough friends and decent size network where I dont HAVE to be impressive all the time. I usually just lie to women to steer the conversation to awkward, but enough to have them keep asking me questions and humor myself.

    If you don't care too much in a conversation as to what you are saying or who you are saying it to, the convo can become real interesting.

  13. If I had to guess I'd say I'm probably not the greatest conversationalist. I'm definitely guilty of over-using "big words" but…this is how I earned the nickname human dictionary. I can't help it, it's just how I speak.

    I'm also a failure at asking questions when I'm getting to know someone. It's not that I don't want to learn about them, I just think that what they choose to reveal is just as telling as what they actually say. So I prefer to stay quiet and listen, which gives the impression that I'm not interested.

    1. I totally 100% cosign with this comment. I over-use big words because I'm not the type to use "ain't" or "c'mon son", if I did, I'd look lame (no shade to those who do though). My environment just made me this way.

      I love talking to people, but dread the first date get-to-know-you stage. I also hate that "so, tell me about yourself" point in any conversation. I never know what to say apart from tge obvious (age, occupation etc.)

  14. I'm a fan of expanded vocabulary and will absolutely ask about a word or phrase if I'm unfamiliar with it. I don't understand why people try to save face and just nod along when they really don't have a clue. Inquiring is a much better look than mad ego. With that said, misusing words to come off a certain way always backfires; just be you.. whether that's standard or slang.

    Arrogance. Take that smug, selfish mess elsewhere. Not to be confused with confidence, I adore confidence. I'm interested in knowing what your strengths are and where you excel.

    Self-deprecation. It's one thing to make jokes and laugh about yourself, but if a person spends more time tearing themselves down it's an absolutely turn off. When all I near is negative, what am I supposed to think.. and why would I want to be bothered?

    Deflection. You know, I have a hard time dealing with people who spend more time ripping into others than anything else. I can appreciate wit and sarcasm is a dear friend, but there are some who take it beyond humour. Why are you talking so much about others when I'm trying to get to know you anyway.

    Salary. I will ask you about work, out of a curiosity about what you do, whether you're passionate about it and how work is positioned in your life. I'm not interested in knowing how much you make when I'm just meeting you. Numbers are a quick way to make me think you're trying to work some shady sell tactic.

    Skin. I don't even know how to properly put this into words, but some men stumble and fail hard on this. Too much focus makes it seem like it's important, when it's not.

    Sex. This was ruined by me, because guys seemed to think that just because I liked ABC, it was a given we'd be ABC'ing. Inherently talking about sex is fine, but men and ego bring the element of supposed obligation (and occasionally judgement) which ruin it entirely. If it comes up later, cool – but first conversation -awkward avenue.

  15. I'm versatile. I'm a good listener, but I love to talk alot. There are certain things that I prefer not to speak on because they I lack an opinion, I'm indifferent, or I'm ignorant of those things; some of those things include:

    -sports (all of them)
    -reality tv shows
    -talk shows
    -soap-Os (including wrestling)
    -anything from world star hip hop
    -fashion
    -quantum physics
    -jewelry
    -trappin'
    -agriculture
    -conspiracy theories
    -partying

    Now…I said…"prefer NOT"; that doesn't mean I'm closed minded to listening and learning. I usually talk to those God places in front of me. And if it's peeps I can't vibe with, then I either adjust or take control of the conversation with a question.

    A man (and woman) is a product of his/her thoughts. It's interesting to see the way people express themselves….even if I can't relate. Even if it's a bit out of my standard. Communication is multi-faceted…I just like language I guess. How the conversation goes is not my concern as long as we remain diplomatic throughout. And if we can't be diplomatic, I'd rather separate before we escalate the force to physical means. I'm a pacifist, and I work hard for my peace. If the conversation bends towards chaotic, I'll take control of the conversation when I'm done listening.

    I don't like to gossip, but if that's your pleasure and I'm caught in your whirlwind, I have a poker face that says I'm interested, but a mental shell that says I'm not. I'll listen but I won't be hardly moved. From there, I'll take control of the conversation when I'm done listening.

    I don't mind hearing about your problems, but I will be pouring out solutions and be the most reliable source of understanding that I can be. I'll lay out a few possible theories and facts for US to consider in finding a resolution. And if you don't consider the information with diversions then I'll take control of the conversation when I'm done listening.

    Above all…if the conversation if not going in the direction that doesn't serve us BOTH…I take control….passively, subtly, cleverly, and respectfully. How do you take control of the convo….divert them with questions that are profound, deep, subjective, relative to themselves, and requires more thinking before one talks. It can be completely random….but those are the best ones that through people off.

    For me…talking is a bit like s.ex…
    Missionary Postion….how I say on Top…..ic

    Plus…

    I don’t do Small Talk
    Since I can go All….Night…Long!
    And if that’s too much, Bring a Friend
    I loooove people who are Bi….Lingual!

    I'm just looking to understand people when they talk.

    1. "For me…talking is a bit like s.ex.." "…I don’t do Small Talk…" "…I'm just looking to understand people when they talk." Feel ya… Am not into a chick who dominates the convo like I'm an accessory or some nonsense. I usually don't look into the eyes of a woman with whom I'm talking simply because I do tend to be shy. Also, just because I don't look into a woman's eyes does NOT mean I'm NOT listening or digesting what she's saying… If a woman assumes that I'm NOT listening or digesting what she's saying when she is talking TO me or WITH me (instead of AT me), she failed one of the biggest tests in my book…

      1. "I usually don't look into the eyes of a woman with whom I'm talking simply because I do tend to be shy"

        I swear man….a Two High Fives are in order….and I ain't saying it's a Stick Up.

        I'm the same way. I'm a bit reserved in my interactions with women due to my past hurts (yep that vulnerable kid that's guarded by Cerebus and the ADS security system). If I'm really attracted to her, I don't wanna give too much of myself away, since I'm gullible. I maintain enough eye contact to convey my seriousness. I guess another analogy is in order for this explanation:

        If we're gonna go on a Sunday Drive in a metaphorical vehicle of conversation, we gotta first Warm Up the Engine, fasten the seat belt, and ease the clutch as we shift into first gear. Once I feel the rhythm, and I sense her vibrations….shoot I'm willing to almost have a staring contest just to make things interesting and fun. Mysterious eyes always break a brotha down.

        Yea, I feel ya on the eye contact.

        If s.ex were like talking…..I've witnessed a few please themselves in what appeared to be a Monologue that was merely [email protected] vs. A Dialogue…..

        …..sometimes….I just like to watch…..sometimes

  16. My English Professor never used big words with me I guess that's why we got along so well. If I meet you for the first time & you are reciting the dictionary to me I will nod and my ears will be flooded with music as you talk, you are not webster.

    A female that talks a lot isn't really a problem for me as long as its not dull and it has some 140 Character taste to it.

    No Pick up lines over here being used. It hurts my head to hear pick up lines.

    Hearing from a female especially a black female when we first meet is the EMHEM, I have a distaste for that word because basically your being evasive in what you want to say and you seem like you can't gather the word to say what really on your mind. All I gotta say is bless your heart and your mind.

  17. 1. There’s nothing wrong with an extensive vocabulary if that’s how they naturally speak. The conversation goes bad when the person is condescending with the words they use. The conversation also goes bad when people use vocabulary they are not familiar with.
    2. Some people are not honest with themselves. They’ve told so many lies about who they are and what they are to the point where those lies eventually become their reality. I do not associate with these type of people because my bluntness and honesty rattles their reality. I prefer to be around people who talk the talk, while walking the walk.
    3. Productive conversations are definitely a two way street. The only exception for an uninterrupted conversation is when I’m asking for advice. Other than that, it won’t work. I don’t want to feel like I’m talking to Bill O’Reilly when engaging in a first time conversation with a man.
    4. Flattery and compliments are good as long as they’re sincere and genuine. I like receiving and giving compliments. I’m not going to hold back on what I’m feeling because he isn’t secure with a good dose of the truth. I’m a verbally expressive woman…Sue me!
    5. I don’t like hearing about sex during a first conversation. It’s unattractive and boring. I’ll let it slide if it comes up unintentionally in the form of a joke or comedic nature. He’ll never hear from me again if it’s too personal or intrusive.
    6. I also don’t want to hear any boasting or arrogance in regards to who he is as a person. This is a red flag that he’s insecure and over compensating for a failure/rejection that occurred in the past. He doesn’t need to tell me that “King Kong ain’t got shit on him.” Allow your actions to speak for themselves. All forms of communication will be cut off when I see boasting and arrogance protrude its ugly self.

  18. The key of conversation is making the other party feel comfortable in the dialogue and you still present who you are at the same time. The balance and banter of the conversation should be even as possible

  19. I will I hate when trying to start a conversation, someone is hooked on the physical to lead it in conversation. Or when someone asks "tell me about yourself" I want to say and probably will start…what would you like to know in specific?….i honestly dont think people shoot questions back and forth and in between wait for response before asking a good followup question.i know it can seem like a interview or investigation but it allows fairly a good balanced amount of exchange.

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