Tania: Why don’t you go say hi?
Slim: I was very serious when I said they’re dead to me.
Tania: Don’t you think this is awkward? It’s not like we don’t see them all the time. Bury the hatchet already!
Slim: Bury the hatchet? Are you kidding me? Have you forgotten what went down?
Tania: I know. It was a year ago. People change. Grow up.
Slim: I got nothing to say to either of ’em ever…except “why are you talking to me?”
Tania: I can’t believe you’re letting this consume you. You’re being really immature.
Slim: Then show me to the f*ckin’ monkey bars and the sandbox.
**Awkward silence ensues**
This conversation happened a few weeks ago. I swear that I’m only an ass like that when provoked. My type-B persona usually doesn’t allow me to get worked up over perceived foolishness, but the mention of immaturity when I don’t acquiesce to someone’s disguised demand triggers my inner rage. It was about a week before I apologized to Tania for my snippy remarks. And no, my feelings haven’t changed about speaking to the people that were nothing short of invisible.
When someone irreparably wrongs me, I’m not quick to let it go and chalk it up to humans making mistakes; because honestly, some people do some blatantly stupid sh*t on purpose. And with that said, I don’t walk around ice-grilling or mean-mugging those that I consider unsavory. I don’t lay around gritting my teeth and thinking of them when I have downtime. They get pushed out of my memory like 85% of the things I learned in college that didn’t involve girls or sports. And of course there are people that don’t understand this. They can’t seem to grasp how I possess the ability to completely ignore someone based on past egregious actions. There are people that can’t understand that I have nothing to prove by being on cordial terms with individuals that I really just can’t f*ck with for whatever the reason.
See, I don’t feel like I need to be on good terms with everybody in the interest of appearing mature or secure. I see all the quotes that float around about forgiveness and how the refusal to do so means that the other person is #winning. I read the good Christian word about opening the heart and welcoming people back into your life anew and leaving the past in the past.
Sometimes that’s just not possible.
There are about 5 people out there that I’d be content to never speak to again in this lifetime rather than reluctantly attempt to reconcile our differences for an intangible greater good. For me to forgive, forget, and go back on amicable terms with these people, I’d have to ignore my gut instincts and feelings. In other words, if I wanted to give the appearance of “being the bigger person” I’d have to compromise the values—obstinance possibly as one of them— that have made me into the person I am today.
On a few occasions, I’ve thought about sending a messenger pigeon across where the bridge used to be. I’ve considered picking up the phone, sending an email, or replying to a text in an effort to “make things right.” And each time I asked myself this, I could never think of an answer that didn’t involve me trying to appear a certain way for someone other than myself. So I said eff it and kept it moving. I think my life has been better as a result.
I’m not against forgiveness. I just don’t think some people deserve to be forgiven as much as they deserve to be forgotten or marked non-existent. And if you choose to forgive or patch up a relationship, make sure that you’re doing it because it’s aligned with your own values and not just to appear a certain way to others. I know I’m sleeping well at night and can wake up in the morning and look at myself just fine.
I actually wrote this post with a smile,