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Why I Just Can’t Forgive Sometimes

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Tania: Why don’t you go say hi?
Slim: I was very serious when I said they’re dead to me.
Tania: Don’t you think this is awkward? It’s not like we don’t see them all the time. Bury the hatchet already!
Slim: Bury the hatchet? Are you kidding me? Have you forgotten what went down?
Tania: I know. It was a year ago. People change. Grow up.
Slim: I got nothing to say to either of ’em ever…except “why are you talking to me?”
Tania: I can’t believe you’re letting this consume you. You’re being really immature.
Slim: Then show me to the f*ckin’ monkey bars and the sandbox.
**Awkward silence ensues**

This conversation happened a few weeks ago. I swear that I’m only an ass like that when provoked. My type-B persona usually doesn’t allow me to get worked up over perceived foolishness, but the mention of immaturity when I don’t acquiesce to someone’s disguised demand triggers my inner rage. It was about a week before I apologized to Tania for my snippy remarks. And no, my feelings haven’t changed about speaking to the people that were nothing short of invisible.

When someone irreparably wrongs me, I’m not quick to let it go and chalk it up to humans making mistakes; because honestly, some people do some blatantly stupid sh*t on purpose. And with that said, I don’t walk around ice-grilling or mean-mugging those that I consider unsavory. I don’t lay around gritting my teeth and thinking of them when I have downtime. They get pushed out of my memory like 85% of the things I learned in college that didn’t involve girls or sports. And of course there are people that don’t understand this. They can’t seem to grasp how I possess the ability to completely ignore someone based on past egregious actions. There are people that can’t understand that I have nothing to prove by being on cordial terms with individuals that I really just can’t f*ck with for whatever the reason.

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It's just how I feel sometimes.

See, I don’t feel like I need to be on good terms with everybody in the interest of appearing mature or secure. I see all the quotes that float around about forgiveness and how the refusal to do so means that the other person is #winning. I read the good Christian word about opening the heart and welcoming people back into your life anew and leaving the past in the past.

Sometimes that’s just not possible.

There are about 5 people out there that I’d be content to never speak to again in this lifetime rather than reluctantly attempt to reconcile our differences for an intangible greater good. For me to forgive, forget, and go back on amicable terms with these people, I’d have to ignore my gut instincts and feelings. In other words, if I wanted to give the appearance of “being the bigger person” I’d have to compromise the values—obstinance possibly as one of them— that have made me into the person I am today.

On a few occasions, I’ve thought about sending a messenger pigeon across where the bridge used to be. I’ve considered picking up the phone, sending an email, or replying to a text in an effort to “make things right.” And each time I asked myself this, I could never think of an answer that didn’t involve me trying to appear a certain way for someone other than myself. So I said eff it and kept it moving. I think my life has been better as a result.

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I’m not against forgiveness. I just don’t think some people deserve to be forgiven as much as they deserve to be forgotten or marked non-existent. And if you choose to forgive or patch up a relationship, make sure that you’re doing it because it’s aligned with your own values and not just to appear a certain way to others. I know I’m sleeping well at night and can wake up in the morning and look at myself just fine.

I actually wrote this post with a smile,

Comment(88)

  1. Friendly as I am, I can be quite cold and I have cut people off for things that were not necessarily "a big deal" to others. The difference between me & you is that sometimes, it takes very little for them to be let back in…but they'd have to do the initiating. I can look right through someone and go back to reading my book. I'm probably a horrible person. Once I write someone off, their existence might as well be a myth.

    If we want to look at things from a Christian standpoint, forgiveness is of the essence, but one does not always have to welcome someone who has wronged you back into one's life. Especially if they add nothing of value to it. This applies more to you than me since it sounds as though you've been wronged by certain people to a great extent. I'm just slowly having to learn to be a nicer person.

    1. Look at that, my persistence is finally paying off. FIRST up in this piece — woohoo! Now back to making my bed & ish.

    2. "Once I write someone off, their existence might as well be a myth."

      I wish I had used this exact wording…and I don't think it makes you a horrible person.lol. Sometimes it just is what it is.

    3. "If we want to look at things from a Christian standpoint, forgiveness is of the essence, but one does not always have to welcome someone who has wronged you back into one’s life"

      I shall be emailing this to the ex that believes us being friends is a sign that I have truly forgiven him. The annoying part is I have actually forgiven and forgotten.

  2. Good For You Ms. Sweet, I will happy take third place…

    Forgiveness is a staple of my life to keep me from insanity…

    I do it for me & me only…

  3. If Im done egregiously wrong, I'll forgive but i'll NEVER forget! Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you have to speak to them or be cordial.

    This post is hilarious because when you see mine on Wed, you'll think we share a brain. [||]

    Good post.

    1. I agree, I'll forgive you and get the hate out of my heart but that doesn't mean that I'll forget what happened and be all friendly and ish. I'm not one of those Real Housewives chicks that keep on breaking up and making up with people, once you are out you are out!!!

      1. Those Real Housewives are more frenemies than friends anyway. Most of those chicks really despise each other but keep each other around because they are getting paid too. Other than that, Ne-Ne would have been shanked along time ago.

      2. Right!!!

        I've never understood how people are okay with constantly beefing with their so called "friends". How does that even work???

  4. Don't have much to add because I believe I've been described the same way before. "petty" is a word you left out that is some have used to describe me. But hey, we all have our own scales.

    I'm just going to re-quote you because you described how I feel about this subject…

    "See, I don’t feel like I need to be on good terms with everybody in the interest of appearing mature or secure."

    and

    "I’m not against forgiveness. I just don’t think some people deserve to be forgiven as much as they deserve to be forgotten."

    1. This:

      “See, I don’t feel like I need to be on good terms with everybody in the interest of appearing mature or secure.”

      Kind of describes me too. I've never been one to really care what people think of me or how they see me. Many are so occupied with perception that it can dictate everything we do. I like to be free in my thoughts and actions. If I feel like cussing you out, I will. lol The only people I care about are ones I already love and care for.

  5. "I’m not against forgiveness. I just don’t think some people deserve to be forgiven as much as they deserve to be forgotten or marked non-existent." Classic! I just added someone to my non-existent list.

    Thanks for this post!

  6. Here's some real ish I felt that a commenter said concerning another e-article…

    "I can tell you right now, closure is a myth. There is no such thing. People look for something they can never have. When one suffers from an unfortunate event, it leaves an emotional wound, which heals into an emotional scar that leaves its mark forever.

    Everyone has something they still feel pain over, regardless if they want to admit it, even to themselves. It’s a total crock of bulls**t when I hear people say they don’t let something or someone get them down or they don’t have it in them to hate. I don’t care if you are on arm-to-arm terms with God himself, if the situation presents itself, believe me, one could and would hate anyone or anything that may have inflicted pain on them.

    If I had to choose, I would take physical pain over emotional pain any day. If I get hit by a bus and break every bone in my body, I know over time my injuries will heal and I can take painkillers in the meantime and I will eventually feel better and it will become another memory.

    Emotional pain…that’s another story. Emotional pain is what you don’t see coming. There’s nothing you can take to heal emotional pain. It shoots and cuts you in ways that don’t draw blood and the pain runs much deeper and its roots take hold and it doesn’t budge for years, if at all. That’s the kind of pain that inflicts the most damage.

    You can cover up or camouflage a physical scar; it doesn’t hurt and you move on because you don’t think about it. But emotional scars can be reopened time and time again and each time, the pain comes back as strong as the day it was inflicted.

    Emotional scars fester because something happened that 'I’m sorry' won’t make go away. Someone did something that the other can’t forget and not being able to forget, there’s nothing to do but remember."

    1. [You can cover up or camouflage a physical scar; it doesn’t hurt and you move on because you don’t think about it. But emotional scars can be reopened time and time again and each time, the pain comes back as strong as the day it was inflicted.]

      If this ain't the truth.com

  7. Eh, I don't know, I think I'm on the side of forgiving and not forgetting.

    Forgiveness is not for the forgiven, its for the forgiver. Forgetting means you lose the lesson. IMO

    I forgive, learn the lesson and keep it moving. This is new to me (the past 3 years) because in the past I was very good -no, great- at holding grudges. But it was too much work after a while: remembering why I'm mad, remembering to stay mad, and to show my hatred. Now, I forgive by letting all that angry go.

  8. When people show you who they are, believe them and keep it moving. Sometimes with a mutual friend in common, it's best that they "mind their own neck". There are no rules to friendship except for the ones you create yourself. Friendships are far from unconditional. Former friends don't always deserves the consideration of being cordial. Long ago are the days when you could slap a bitch and NOT catch a trip to central booking….I get paid to be phony at work not on my personal time. I think your approach is best Slim. Eff that. (Especially if the beef or disrespect was keen)

    Great topic btw

  9. I'm like this, I have no problem cutting ppl out of my life. However, what has gotten me into trouble is when I listened to friends or family who said I was being too harsh, and I decided to give someone another chance. Never again, I will always go with my first mind from now on.

  10. I'm definitely a forgiver. I just don't have the time, mental space or capacity to carry all that ish around with me. Plus, I'm a big believer that in not forgiving, I give you way too much control in my life. Especially when you consider that in situations where forgiveness is withheld in order to mess with that person (which I don't mean to suggest is going on here), eventually they get past it while the other person is still focused on withholding something. Nah. I got enough issues with ruminating; I don't need to add to it.

    Now that forgetting part? I ain't good at it, and I don't think I wanna be. I'm going to recall, with extreme specificity, what you did and why I cannot allow you to return to a position to do that again. I'm all about a "fool me once…" mindset.

    As far as how I interact with folks in public: I'll be cordial in order to avoid making it awkward for others. One specific situation comes to mind — sitting at dinner with a group of people that kept expanding and a girl I hadn't spoken to in YEARS walked in and sat down at the table. She didn't see me initially and began greeting everyone at the table individually. When she looked at me, she got a smile and nice, not curt, "hello…" we even had a brief conversation — but she knew what it was, just like I did. No need to make it awkward. But off GP — like if I had seen her in a smaller setting — nah… odds are I would've acted like I didn't even see her. I'm not cordial for the fun of it, I'm cordial for a reason, always. I hate fake ish.

    1. "I’m definitely a forgiver. I just don’t have the time, mental space or capacity to carry all that ish around with me. Plus, I’m a big believer that in not forgiving, I give you way too much control in my life."

      I hold this philosophy very dear to my soul! I do believe people change, but I also believe that some things are constant in people. I strongly believe that if I can't ACCEPT the wrong you did to me, then the denial will develop into something greater, and hinder me from progressing through life as light as photon particle.

      Forgiveness is simply a form of love that says "I've moved on, I understand, and it doesn't matter today".

      I value my peace over a grudge. My inner conscience would remind me, ever so often, that I am being no better than the person who wronged me. I'm forever attached to a moment that's passed due to my unwillingness (stubborness/inflexibility) to say "aye, can't control everything and everyone. Lesson learned." Understanding brings peace. When I say I love everyone, I definitely mean it.

      ….But I don't have to love you up close…..me praying for your inner peace is more than enough since I'm such a good-spirited wordsmith.

      1. (smile) JohnTHESkywalker… The closest person to a kindred spirit I've found on this site… You remind me of myself some years ago… (sentimental smile) Just be careful, and don't get yourself into some awful situations…

      2. Goodness gracious. I might have to print that off and post it somewhere. This is truth right here. It is exactly how I feel about it and what I was saying. “I’ve moved on, I understand, and it doesn’t matter today”. YES!

        Wow. Ok. I'll continue to gush, but silently. This was soooo well said.

    2. That part about the person having control by not forgiving them is what I find interesting. I feel like for some people just saying "the hellwitcha" and never thinking about them again is enough.

      1. Think about it like this Slim, while you are holding a grudge for something that perhaps happened years ago..that person is living life, probably holding nothing against you, maybe even asked you to forgive them and you said no…either way they are moving forward…you are holding on to a past transgression of some sort….holding on to a perceived wrong year after year….if it was "hellwitcha" you would forgive and say you know what I forgive you…but, I don't want anything to do with you…..release the anger and move on. The power that person had over you is no more…..

        1. I see what you're saying, and it's something that has been said to me before. I guess my thing is that if I'm just living my life and just paying the person(s) no mind when I see them, how are they controlling me? If I were to stop going to events or hanging out because these people would be around, that would be control. But to just be like hey, I ain't offering no forgiveness and just want nothing to do with the person(s) doesn't seem like it's putting a strain on me at all. It's like throwing away spoiled food in the fridge. I realized it was no good, got rid of it, and kept it moving. Hopefully that makes sense.

        2. It does make sense. But I will ask you this….when you see the person…is the emotion you feel for them at the surface….or do you have to conjure it up to feed it…I mean I have TRIED fo stay mad at people…and then when I see them..I can't muster it up…i can pretend I'm still mad… the emotion is not there to support it..it's more like my mind is saying…"you know you want to still be mad"..but, my heart is like…"nah, I don't really care anymore"…and for real I can't even remember exactly what they did..it's been so long….I'm not saying you have to go over and say hello..but, how much energy does it take out of you to maintain that grudge in your heart year after year…and keep the intensity going to a point where you are absolute on the fact that you cannot forgive them? #justsayin.

        3. Oh, I don't have to conjure anything up. I don't even expend energy when I see the people because they quickly disappear even though they're still there.

          When I think of conjuring anger, I think of those relationships where you try to stay mad at the person just because and then it fizzles out and you're like eff it.lol.

        4. On a lot of levels, I'm feeling you Slim… but Queen T is saying what I'm thinking.

          It may not be conscious at all, but in a way it is — this idea that I'm not speaking to you. You have to make that conscious decision and then effort. Maybe never be face to face with that person and have to legitimately not speak, but perhaps it's a little more covert: being sure not to cross paths with them, even if it's just having to be cognizant of where they are in a room with you.

          To me, that forgiveness allows me to literally not worry with it. Not worry with it when someone asks, not worry with it when I'm in the same area as that person and surely not worry with it when they're nowhere around me. In the situation presented, I think a key difference for me would've been that even if I didn't want to go speak for the sake of seeming cordial, my response to my friend wouldn't have been angry or upset or irritated. In a room full of people, I could speak to anyone and I choose not to speak to that person for the same reasons I'm choosing not to speak to a number of them — as opposed to I'm specifically not going to speak to her for this one reason.

          That's me tho.

  11. Some relationships/ friendships have expiration dates.

    Im all for forgiveness and all but some folk just need to be deleted from memory.

    I see no point in fake niceties.

  12. I'm very much a forgive and forget type person but I think it has contributed to the fact that I'm a huge pushover. I can't count how many times I've let people get away with the f***ed up things they've done to me.

    Oh and a couple time I've blown up at people over little things only to realize later that it was because I'd been letting a lot of things slide over a long period of time. I always feel crazy and a lot more at peace afterwards lol

  13. wow, you wrote my mind….i am currently not speaking to a friend and i've decided that i can't forgive because what's the use of forgiving when i know it will be hard for me to forget what they did…that's definitely not forgiving so i may as well write them off…much better that way

    like you said" See, I don’t feel like I need to be on good terms with everybody in the interest of appearing mature or secure.”"

    I am going to quote that back to all my friends that feel i am immature by not forgiving the person

    Some people are better off out of one's life….and the popular quote about if you don't forgive someone, it means they always have a hold on you? I say B.S….

  14. I show forgiveness to those who have earned it. I would be a fool and bitter woman to continuously forgive all the people who’ve done me wrong. Self-respect is my drug of choice (and this is the only drug that is #WINNING). I maintain my peace of mind and happiness by not forgiving those who don’t deserve it. I know it’s time to permanently cut ties with people when the cons outweigh the pros. I’ve yet to regret the people I’ve consciously cut out of my life because I’m happier without them. I truly love life and I refuse to surround myself with people who suppress my true personality and temperament.

  15. I'm torn.

    I usually tend to be a forgiver. I tried to do the forgetting thing and while it's worked in the sense that I don't have to face the person- it's also failed in that some parts of me just like that last "i'm done with you- i'm over you" convo.

    either way- how you deal with things are personal… until they affect me 🙂

  16. I know EXACTLY what you mean Slim. When I tell people that if you cross me I will DELETE you from my life they think I'm joking. Please dont be fooled by this smile and bubbly personality…I. Don't. Play. That. 

    Up to date, there's really only one person that's placed on the delete list and she's my cousin. I believe in forgiveness and practice it but it doesn't mean we have to be friends again nor does it mean that you will know that you've been forgiven. Some people need to be taught that you just don't do certain things and since you can't go around whipping people's butts, purgatory will suffice. 

    Good post Slim.

  17. Wow…forgiveness is a tough one for a lot of people. I have never really been able to hold a grudge very long…I just can't carry all that around…..besides, not that I am very religious but I do have a relationship with God…and He has forgiven me so many things….who am I not to forgive someone else…..

    Like someone said earlier you forigive but you don't have to then forge a relationship with the person…you forgive and then you keep it moving…the forgiveness is more for YOU anyway..because holding that all in over the years…gives that person all that power over you…just forgive and move on with your life…..

    I know it's hard sometimes..but I would suggest that everyone practice forgiveness…..

    Good post.

    1. "…holding that all in over the years…gives that person all that power over you…"

      Mentally laughing similar to Mark Hamill's style of the Joker…

      You can also use that power given to the other person against the other person. (smile) Ah… The ways a person's imagination can be used…

  18. I 100% agree with this post…

    And I notice a lot of people misinterpret the scriptures, often referencing the "turn the other cheek" portion. However, there is not one place in the bible that says "forgive and forget". It actually makes mention of the fact that God is the only one that can do that…we're still human, and for anyone to act like it's easy to just wipe the slate clean and continue on with someone who has hurt/disrespected them if, quite honestly, full of it. The Bible also discusses free will and common sense. Corinthians 15:33 says "Bad company ruins good morals." If someone doesn't vibe with the way I'm living, yeah, I'll forgive, but there's no need to allow them to consume any portion of my life for a moment further. It's called growing, learning and adapting.

    1. "Corinthians 15:33 says “Bad company ruins good morals.” If someone doesn’t vibe with the way I’m living, yeah, I’ll forgive, but there’s no need to allow them to consume any portion of my life for a moment further. It’s called growing, learning and adapting."

      Exactly!!!

  19. I think it is possible to forgive someone and never speak to them again. Forgiveness does not equal reconciliation. I'm kinda like eff it too and I wouldn't go out of my way to say something to them. if they say something to me I won't ignore, but I would end the convo in 45 seconds. some things are better left in the past. keep on moving.

  20. I think people shouldn't be forgiven because they weren't sorry it's their nature. They have no intentions of correcting their behavior and truly meant those actions. In those cases I think forgiveness does nothing but allow them to come back into your life to commit similar acts.

  21. "When someone irreparably wrongs me, I’m not quick to let it go and chalk it up to humans making mistakes; because honestly, some people do some blatantly stupid sh*t on purpose…"

    TRUE!

    I can forgive, but that doesn't mean that you still exist to me. We will NOT pick up where we left off and don't act like nothing happened either.

    Minor infractions are different; I am a quick forgiver usually. I don’t like to argue or fester in anger, so I am one of those people that’s upset one minute yet still expect life to go on. Some people actually feel weird when I do this, they don’t know how to take me.

    I have YET to regret deleting someone out of my life, which means I made the right choice. Forgiving does not mean being a fool and keeping mean, destructive people in your life.

    I do know that true forgiveness releases grudges, thereby releasing unnecessary stress.

    I still don’t talk with some of my in-laws for that crap they pulled at my wedding almost two years to date. Why? They still have not changed, so why waste my time and energy. I am no longer upset, because within these two years I have seen that it was not me, but them. As Slim said, I don't lose any sleep and I can continue living my life as if I never met them honestly.

  22. I'm wit slim 100% on this one. I've said before that I am a Christian but I don't believe everything in the Bible. The whole forgiveness thing is one of those things. Some people just don't derserve it. Or maybe they derserve it, but I still don't see whey they need my forgiveness.

    I don't think about them everyday and plot their death 24/7. I think some people need to forgive. Maybe that works for them. But I don't think I'm capable of fooling myself into liking someone I hate.

    Also there are some psychiatrist that are starting to question the whole idea of talking about your pain and reliving it all the time. There are so many like Oprah that swear you have to "tell your story." I never understood how this helps you heal. And now some psychiatrist are saying the same thing. I thinking hating someone that wronged you is a natural human emotion meant to protect you from future harm.

    1. With all due respect…..

      I don't know how you can say you are a Christian..and then say you don't believe everything in the Bible? huh? I am confused…the cornerstone of Christianity focuses around Forgiveness….If you look in the bible there are so many verses that reference forgiveness alone..too many to count and reference here..you must be able to forgive…just as God forgives us our many transgressions..I am not going to get on my soapbox though…this post isn't about religion.

      1. @QueenT –

        #nosign

        The cornerstone of Christianity is a desire to be Christ-like. Christ asked us to honor this commandment first, "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." I will also agree that the Bible is a map and blueprint, but it is not an authority on Christianity. Your spiritual relationship cannot be dictated by a book, it's just not possible. Christians are the only religion who put as much weight on the Bible as they do. When you take away their text they lose their religion and that's tragic. I truly believe that Christians must get away from the notion that the book means so much to them. It takes away their ability to be objective about it.

        #cosign

        Christians should forgive. It is the right thing to do. Our salvation is promised and insured through God's ultimate forgiveness of our sin. I don't know if you can ask God for entry into heaven when you don't forgive. You can't benefit from a program that you don't practice.

        1. People should know that The Creator put EVERYTHING in you that you need to survive and be righteous.

          He knew that books would be tampered with because that what we do here…change stuff to our advantage. He is All Knowing so know that he knew this would happen and therefore made an alternate plan – LOOK honestly WITHIN.

          To keep things from being too screwed up, from birth, you are armed will ALL that you need to survive and live well on earth. Intuition and conscience, call it what you will, it all serves the same purpose—to protect you. This is why it is so important to listen to you inner self.

        2. "When you take away their text they lose their religion and that’s tragic. I truly believe that Christians must get away from the notion that the book means so much to them. It takes away their ability to be objective about it."

          (thumbs up). Most Christians truly have a relationship with the "book" rather than a relationship with God.

          In my experience, your relationship with God is your relationship with the world. How well you communicate with Him will be displayed in one's behavior.

        3. Excuse me Dr. J. but it is not just Christians…the Muslims hold to the Koran…the Jehovah Witnesses hold to their Bible…and the Watch Tower…the Scientologists have their book…so, that is not true.

          I will always use the Bible to lead my life…it is a guide for ME..nobody has to use the Bible as a reference for their life but I choose to…

          If you want to believe some of it and not all..then that is on the individual..it just doesn't really make sense to me.

          thatisall.

      2. Yeah basically what J said. I try to live my life by the teachings of Jesus. I do not think the Bible is the perfect word of God. I think it was written by man and reflects mans biases and prejudices at the time it was written. I think church folk are the ones that want everyone to believe that to be a Christian means showing up at church every Sunday and following every word in the Bible word for word.

        The story and teachings of Jesus is probably only about 30% of the Bible if that.

        Jesus said to forgive…but I think we probably take it farther than he intended. I think he meant not to hate. Jesus beefed with the Jewish Rabbis and the Pharacees his whole life.

        1. I co-sign this information.

          The teachings of Jesus are actually RADICAL as opposed to the Old Testament. Most Christians are actually NEW TESTAMENT Christians. The book is kind of inconsistent, in my opinion. But aye…if it works for them to be believe…(shrugs)…so be it.

        2. Bible isn't the only book that's "read wrong", Koran is invariably one of them as well. I'm actually very happy to see that more and more Christians are beginning to realize that the Bible indeed expresses a lot of the prejudices and point-of-views of the MEN who wrote it, and not those of GOD. In essence, if that same book was written today with the same "guidance from above" that the original writers claimed to have, it would be a VERY different book.

  23. Not only do I not forgive, but if that person is around me, I look for ways to make their life a little more miserable. It keeps focuses my mental acuity, and frankly…it's fun.

  24. "See, I don’t feel like I need to be on good terms with everybody in the interest of appearing mature or secure."

    LOVE this post!!!

    This is so on time, because over the past two years, I've been dealing with a few people who think I'm unreasonable because I'm not willing to let bygones be bygones. I can be hard on myself sometimes, and I have allowed others to make me feel guilty for not just "getting over it."

    I'm a very patient person. It usually takes a LOT to set me off to the point where I don't want to deal with you anymore. But once I do… forgiveness isn't a problem… however that does NOT mean that I'm going to put myself in a position for you to do the same thing to me again that set me off in the first place.

    I think it comes down to is that people have different ideas of what forgiveness really means. Oprah said on her show once that forgiveness to her means "giving up the hope that the past could have been any different".

    I really cling to that definition. Thinking about it that way has allowed me to not let other people make me feel guilty for not getting over things in the manner that THEY would have me to. Now, I can forgive…but that doesn't mean that things are going to go back to the way that they once were.

  25. I was at the body shop the other day and there were a couple magazine laying on the table, I decided to pick one up and there was this interesting topic on "forgiveness" it was pretty deep. One of the main things that stuck with me is when the author said " Forgiveness is entirely a selfish act. you do it to heal yourself". Personally, I'm the type that if you wrong me, it'll take some time to forgive you but I won't forget how you wronged me. Keep it pushin.

    ps. the article was in Flare Magazine(January 2011), its called "Get over it"

  26. After reading a few comments about how not forgiving means you give the other person control, I agree to a point. For example, I hated one of X's for the longest time and my other friend explained to me that I was giving her too much control. I was allowing that anger to eat me up and thus I was unable to move forward. In this instance, I'm talking about love. From that experience and with the help of my older/wiser/matur-er friend I learned the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

    Thus, I would say I'm indifferent to a lot of people. They have no control because I don't give them any in the first or last place. I see them and I don’t feel one way or the other but I don't feel pressured to "forgive" them or let them know they have or have not been forgiven. They can do them and I'ma do me. If you define maturity as forgiving everyone that crosses you, we will have to disagree.

    In my opinion, if someone is caught up in my forgiving them, then they have given me just as much "power" as I have allegedly given them by not forgiving. People have the option to apologize just like I have the option not to forgive. I'm human, not divine.

      1. I think it depends on the situation.

        In my case, sometimes. I'm so use to being indifferent or apathetic towards everyone and/or everything it is difficult to break out of that shell when I do want to express genuine interest or feelings towards someone. Fortunately, this is rare and theoretically, there will be few people I need to do this for. I'm not a "we are the world" peace and love hippie type of guy so these types of feelings are directed towards few.

      2. That's a pretty broad question. General indifference in life may not be destructive, but it can be limiting. Life is about experiences. Experiences are enhanced by emotions. Indifference, in my opinion is the lack of emotion on the subject. Let's take relationships. An intense relationship can be full of love, passion or hate as the case may be. It's those emotions that give character to the relationship. A relationship of indifference means you have no love, no hate, no passion, no pain, etc., in general a relationship without noticeable experience or substance. These experiences help us grow as people and make us more well rounded. A person that can not take and emotional stance on something, good or bad, is just…boring.

        http://www.GoonLove.com Goons Need Love Too!

    1. "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

      This is why I tell people that if I stop caring then you have a problem. In relationships, if I don't care then technically speaking, our relationship is done.

  27. I don't like holding grudges because it's just unhealthy to let all that hate or dischord for someone to linger in your heart so I tend to forgive somewhat… NOT 100% but just enough to the point I could be in the same room with you without always mentally sizing yo azz up for a big enough suitcase to hide your body parts.

    Bottom Line: I can forgive on different degrees based on the situation BUT I don't/can't/won't EVER EVER forget.

  28. Here's the deal, I can forgive someone, but it would be foolish to forget. I say this b/c I had a history of giving second chances to ppl who had egregiously wronged me, all in the name of trying to forget the past & let by gones be just that, only to a repeat of their behavior. Skip that. Some ppl have serious character flaws, and if you continue to allow them to have a place in your life, they will repeat the same trifling ish over & over. So my remedy – forgive, recall the lessons learned and keep it moving. I don't have to meditate on it, or do a play by play of the event when I see them. I simply don't interact with the person.

  29. I really appreciate this post and feel like you articulated your feelings quite well. I actually feel like I could have written this exact post myself! The saying that "you don't have to like everyone, but you have to respect everyone" is some bull. Your mere existence on the earth does not automatically ensure you have or even deserve my respect. It can only ensure that I will respectfully ignore you as if you are a non-entity.

    I plan to share this article. It, along with the comments, is an intelligent dialogue on a subject everyone has dealt with or is currently dealing with in their adult life.

  30. I can forgive. I sometimes forget. People say don't burn bridges, but sometimes I blow them the hell up. I don't care. In my life, i've realized that people come into your life for a reason, and sometimes that reason is to show you the type of people you shouldn't associate with. I know that at times people will say i'm being immature or I need to get over something, that's cool. Most of those people have that need to be liked by everyone. I don't. That's not why I do what I do on this planet.

    Anyway, I can keep it cordial with just about everyone, I just won't break bread or be seen standing next to you.

    "I might smile and say what's up, but I don't f*ck with your n*ggas." – 50 Cent

    My favorite quote.

    1. "Most of those people have that need to be liked by everyone. I don’t. That’s not why I do what I do on this planet."

      I LOVE this comment!

  31. I've been peepin' the blog for some time, finally go a chance to peel away from my work to comment. Feels like the old days!

    "I just don’t think some people deserve to be forgiven as much as they deserve to be forgotten or marked non-existent."

    This is a winning sentiment if I have ever seen one. Forgetting people is, in a sense, forgiving them for their past transgressions. Some wrongs can never be made right, but putting them behind you allows you to move forward. It's alright to wish people the best in their lives but not want them to be a part of yours. There are two people I care not to see ever again in my life. Not because I hate them, but because they don't add value to my life. As a matter of fact, they took value from it for their own benefit. It's not something I dwell on, just something I don't care to experience again because it was a waste. I've found that people who wrong us aren't bad people – they're just caught up in themselves, in their own needs. In some ways, they are a blessing. They serve as a reminder of what we should never be: people who take when it is easy but do not give when it is hard. Pause.

  32. I have no problem forgiving people for egregious wrongs, but they are kept at a distance afterwards. I can forgive someone and not be mad when I see them. The anger doesn't consume me in the least. I'll speak, be cordial, not be upset, but I won't be all buddy-buddy with them any more.

  33. Applause at this post Slim! I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

    "If we want to look at things from a Christian standpoint, forgiveness is of the essence, but one does not always have to welcome someone who has wronged you back into one’s life." -NaijaSweets

    ^^ #THIS

    I'm not one to hold grudges at all. I don't think that deciding not to interact with someone means that you are holding a grudge, it just means that person is more trouble then they're worth. There are people who have done me DIRTY in life. I don't harbor hate against them, but the same energy that would go into hating them is the same energy that would go into faking the funk around them. So I just cut them out and keep it moving. Life is about maintaining your own happiness and to a lesser extent, your sanity. So if you're getting in the way of that #deuces

    1. "I don’t harbor hate against them, but the same energy that would go into hating them is the same energy that would go into faking the funk around them. So I just cut them out and keep it moving. Life is about maintaining your own happiness and to a lesser extent, your sanity. So if you’re getting in the way of that #deuces"

      I could I could have just cosigned the whole comment, but by the time I realized it was too late.lol

  34. I forgive, I forget, and then I move on without that person anywhere near my life. If the action was so egregious, I'm not going to speak to them, respond to texts, say "hi" if we're at the same party. I've already forgiven you, now I want nothing to do with you.

    I forgive people as a way of releasing them from my heart, and thus from my life. Forgiveness is for me, not for them. I wish them the best, just stay pout of my face, off my TL, and off my FB wall. Thanks.

    1. I agree 1000% – forving means letting go. if i have to be rude or an ass when i see you then i'm still holding on. we all make mistakes or dont click perfectly with everyone – so be it. i want forgiveness & therefore i give it & wish you well…

      *i wanted so badly to crack a joke in there somewhere but saw no oppoortunity, i'll keep coming back*

  35. I'm late but here's my 2 cents. Do what's best for you and your mental health. My problem is that I forgive too easily. That leads to more drama in your life. I will say that you should read into what forgiveness actually is though. It's not saying you forgive then go through life as besties, it's saying that you forgive them for that specific thing they did…then you move on. You don't have to be friends, you don't have to invite them back into your life, etc. When you see them, you're cordial and that's it. You can forgive someone AND not ever talk to them again. That is possible.

    Forgive to get the anger out of your heart. I've seen you mention this a few times so clearly it's still heavy on your mind. Forgive and let it go so you don't have to think about it anymore. Like Streetz says, it doesn't mean you forget.

  36. Man this is right on time because the subject has been occupying my mind of late. It's a constant struggle to try and live right and stay real to yourself too. What I mean is I think is humans are predposed to anger and holding a grudge. Think about it. Like you alluded to, it is considered an act of maturity to "forgive and forget" or "be the bigger man". I instinct are, if you did me wrong, be gone, I don't need you in my life.

    From the Christian stand point, we are commanded to forgive an I do believe that continually holding a grudge does give that person a power over you. So yes, it not easy but I do forgive…Forgetting? That's a whole other matter. Forgiving you is spiritual growth. Never forgetting what you did and removing you from my life is self preservation.

    Great topic.

    http://www.GoonLove.com -Goons Need Love Too!

  37. I agree…There is a reason why we stop talking to someone in the first place – whether it was something that was said or done (or not), whatever it was was enough to stop the lines of communication so why introduce it back into your life to potentially happen again? It is not about forgiveness, because you can forgive the mishap without having them be a part of your life again!

  38. Haha. Yes! It's like a homie will loose the motivation to notice that person.

    There are those whom I care about and those I do not. Simple.

    For me it's not about holding a grudge. I just stop caring.

    I total feel you on the wack-ness that is be-friending a person purely for appearance sake or to make them feel less of an a-hole.

    An as*hole should indeed feel like an as*hole.

    Co-sign

  39. Ok, I want to express that I'm not a Christian. I used to be. However, I think Jesus Christ is an awesome human being, and his teachings, when applied, granted graciously healthy rewards.

    I will say this: I don't consider you immature if you believe that to be forgiving is a crutch or that it doesn't work for you.

    Forgetting is a condition of burying what cannot be undone. Do you believe you can forget? Or that you CHOOSE to be UNAWARE of what happened? Sounds like you're simply IGNORING what truly is inescapable…

    ….the inescapable truth, that is.

    If your life is about winning, you have an ego – you'll very rarely forgive. You'll hold on to what you've lost. Forgiveness is not for the person who wronged you; it's for yourself. I'll tell you this, also…woe to the man/woman who doesn't forgive JohnTHESkywalker…including himself. I'm being myself always, even when if I'm being vindictive or exceedingly selfish. If I lose sleep due to my inability to accept your actions, even if they werent in my benefit, then I'm truly dreaming up a lie.

    As harsh as this may sound. Those who can't forgive, have control issues. Forgiveness is acceptance. Acceptance warrants freedom. And freedom brings peace. Peace brings happiness.

    Do I need to keep going?

    Here's a question for the "conditional forgivers" (and don't take that term as a dysphemism)……

    What exactly are you holding onto? The pain or the potential gain? Forgiveness is not mandated (I don't care what you've read)….forgiveness is just a choice that produces results.

    Ask yourself this.

  40. I am the same way! They can be mad all day! Once you are on my shit list you never get off. There is nothing you can say, do or write.

    I don't care! Once you have done me wrong its a wrap. Its like a relationship, once there is no trust there is no relationship.

    I have no time for the bs my motto is kick rocks!

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