Don’t judge me, but I think I’m getting married in the next five years. I just know the itch is hitting me, that’s probably why I’m writing about it so much. Today, I want to talk about something so tragic. I truly feel that the divorce rate is so high not because marriage is flawed, but because people get married for all the wrong reasons. It may be a financial arrangement, a family arrangement, or somebody’s daddy asked you, “Now that you got my baby pregnant, are you going to make a woman out of her?” And to be real with you a lot of dudes fall into this situation. So we can talk about all the good reasons for someone to get married, but I’ll share with a situation that really bugs me.
So basically my boy at a young age was dealing with this jumpoff, he ain’t tell us, but he started smashing raw dog. I never understood why dudes do this, but it happens. She was clearly sleeping around, but he went with it anyway because he thought he was her #1 and she was definitely his #1. Well one day he got the news, the girl was pregnant. He threw his head in his hands and asked God what he should do.
Being a man about his and coming from a good family he made the decision to marry the girl and move into a place with her too. He started working more hours to afford the new addition. He went from being on the court for pickup games to picking up a second job at the mall. Now when she was pregnant it shut her entire life down. She couldn’t go out and do what she loved to do, drink and party. So they got used to being together in a more organized relationship and they awaited the arrival of their child. Ended up naming the child after my boy too. And being the friend I am, I told him, “That means you gonna be stuck with this girl for life. You can’t just peace out on your namesake.”
Man I swear as soon as they cut the umbilical cord that girl was ready for bone crushers and more nights at the club. And when I say the club, I mean, megaclubs like Love Nightclub in Washington, DC. It wasn’t long after she gave birth that she made her way to bike week with her friends. And my boy being the man that he was, supported this lifestyle. She never kept good work because her lifestyle couldn’t do it. So now being a group of guys who frequented nightlife, I began to hear stories about her continuous jumpoff activity. It wasn’t until I heard a story about her smashing some random dude off in the bathroom of a club that I had to say something to my boy. How could she be married and still living this fast lifestyle? Not only was she being a bad mother, but she was also being a bad wife.
My friend was in the house most nights that his girl went out. In his mind he convinced himself that he just wasn’t into going out that much once he became a married man. He wanted to be a great father to his child because he knew that his wife would let the child die before she made any life sacrifices. But when you have a child your finances can be put in shambles if you’re the only one supporting an adult and a child. So he was broke. You could see it in his life too. He wasn’t dressing as nice anymore and wasn’t able to come out and enjoy himself with the guys anymore either. He was eating poorly and not active. I saw my boy go from being a fit guy, to being overweight and never getting his hair done. I didn’t know what to do. But as friends we all supported him and told him that his baby ain’t worth all that stress in his life.
I’ve known some guys with some crazy baby mothers. They had to just give up one day and walk away with their pride. Most men would tell you at the point that you realize your relationship with the mother won’t work, just leave and support the child as dual parents. Well, he got some advice and was told that unless he was prepared for a nasty custody battle he wouldn’t be getting access to that child in the way he would need to. So he did what I think was the worst decision of his life, he got her pregnant again. For the life of me, I have no idea how that happened, but I know how it happened. The last we spoke with him on a serious level he told us that she said that now that she was going to have two kids, she would be a better mother. Apparently, this is common in women who have bad lifestyles. I was not buying it. Today, my friend spends most of his time arguing with his child’s mother, smoking weed and trying to get a $1.25 raise in his paycheck. Dude had so much promise, but now he’s stuck in this situation. He still hasn’t filed for divorce and in his words, “She stay here, but we not together anymore.”
I just pray that she don’t have no other men over the house.
Here’s my question, what would you have done in that situation? The initial decision was a good one, but should he have just went the child support route up front? In addition to this scenario, can you think of some stories where people got married for the wrong reasons? It could be children or just because they were together too long. Talk to me.
The best form of birth control…
Before I even can contemplate going there with a man, I think… "He could end up being my baby daddy…"
And if he's someone that I don't want to be stuck with for the next 18 years, let alone share parenting duties with, I just say "no." Guess this is why I've managed to be celibate for almost 5 years.
But on the cool, I feel that most women bank on the idea that a man will want to do the right thing and "wife" his baby mama… fallacy for sure.
I am going to sit this one out… And just LISTEN to all the perspectives in the comments…
Dr. Jay, (In light of yesterday's post) you are my favorite writer on this team…
Come on Adonis, you can't punk out now, ask yourself what would 49ers do and give your 2 cents.
Every guy I know who's married regrets it. But they also complained about the chick before they took her down to that legendary court house. My one boy broke up with his now wife three times when they were just bf/gf, then called me like "guess who got married last weekend" You can guess how that household is going. Marriage is not a band-aid. Don't get married unless you really and I mean really LOVE that person.
NC-I have to ask you a question…especially since you are getting married soon. How do you feel knowing that all of your boys that are married regret their decision? What do you/have you done differently so that does not become your fate?
I made sure I really knew her before I asked her to marry me, and at the same time I had to make sure that she knew the kind of person I am and who I was. No secrets, no bs, and we've never once broken up or even been mad at each other for more than a few hours. she's the perfect woman for me.
I haven't made any comments there yet, but I just wanted to say that your blog has been keeping me delightfully entertained over the past couple of nights. Gracias.
BTW, Because I am on #TeamPaternityTest…
Has he made sure these KIDS are HIS in the first place…?
#JustAThought, *Goes Back To Lurking*
I am a woman and I'm team paternity. I have seen too many cases of paternity fraud to believe that men shouldn't do DNA tests before birth certificates. The system is too catered to women and if a man signs a birth certificate, he is legally responsible even if the kid isn't his. I think Dr. J's boy should get two DNA tests- and a divorce.
I was thinking the SAME THING! Maury anyone?!?!
Sometimes u gotta take responsibility for your actions I just don't get how guys don't think use a rubber to not have a kid if they know they are not ready for one/ at least a diaphragm for the chick.
Honestly I feel like dude made his bed and he just has to lay in it with this situation
I can't think of anyone I know personally who's gotten married for the wrong reasons. God forbid, but were I to find myself pregnant for a useless character, there would be no wedding taking place. That event would force me to sober up and take a long, hard look at the kind of decision-making I'm engaging in. I would not get married to "save face," especially since I know the things I want out of a marriage, and a party-going freak would simply not cut it. Let's not even talk about the blatant disrespect that was involved in this narrative. It's admirable that he would want to handle business, but that union should never have taken place. It's probably easy for me to talk since I would have the advantage in terms of custody, but it's sad that your friend basically threw his life away. It almost sounds as though she wouldn't have cared if they weren't shacked up, but he was taking care of the child. Then again, some women can be spiteful, so you never know.
Whatever the case, sad story if true.
I feel no remorse for men with crazy baby mother situations. Same way a woman who marries a man who constantly cheated on her or treated her bad, Dr.J your friend set himself up. Before you get involved with a female on a serious level a man has to run a p*ssy fax on her. When you sleep with someone you have to be prepared for the risk of a child being conceived, protection or not (sh*t happens). So why risk your life with a female who sleeps with Tom, Dick & Harry because when it comes to kids the man always loses (Look at Nas). Your friend was either p*ssy whipped or just naive so now he must suffer the consequences. Im pro life but if I was in his shoes I would have hit the clinic plenty of my friends are single parents and our generation has made it the norm now. WTF happen to family? Not fabricated family either like this situation. I am not buying baby books until I put a ring on it. Point, Blank, No missed periods over here!
Getting married as a result of pregnancy is stupid. How many of those actually last? None that I know personally. And, if they did last, how fulfilling could the marriage be to know someone only married you because they felt they didn't have any other choice?
Co-sign on all of your questions.
Hmm, I know ppl say that getting married b/c of pregnancy doesn't work out but I'm pretty sure my parents did and they've been together for 22 yrs. This might not be their complete reason but I started to wonder after I realized that that at certain times of the year their years married was less than my age.
I feel really bad for your friend. If her hoe-ish ways are known, he should try and document it to get full custody and then kick her out of his home. The only thing that throws a wrench in this idea is that she's preggers again.
Exactly, the courts would see it as, she wasn't a bad mother if you decided to impregnate her again!
Could he argue entrapment?
Could he ask her to give up custody rights? It's clear from her behavior she doesn't want to be a mother.
If I were him, I'd just take the kids and leave. I've heard of women doing that and services to help them, but I'm not sure how it would work out for men.
Also, he should try and give up the weed. It would make more credible, if he ever gets fed up enough to take her to court.
I just hope for the kids' sake this doesn't turn into the male version of Snapped…they need at least one caring parent.
One caring parent in a 2 parent household is sort of redundant. They sort of negate each other. He would be better off being a single parent, but he'd hurt his chances by the fact that he still smokes weed, and the courts hardly ever grant sole custody to the male.
Nah, I meant that if he upped and killed her, he would be in jail, and they children would be as$ed out.
First off, what kind of flawed logic was that, that having a second child would make her a better mother. Second, if she's not your Wife, why have sex with no condom, I guess the prospect of Aids, HIV, herpes, and a whole assortment of STD's isn't a good enough deterrent.
I don't know how old you are, but you gotta get out a little more. Men and women hate their spouse or significant other and still sleep together. They hate them like 95% of the time, but then every now and then they slip up and boom have s*x. It's like an addiction, people try and put they head down and focus on the bigger task, but people fall victim. Trying to get a small victory out the situation, or hoping that things might be able to work themselves out, you never know. This swing both ways for men and women.
and then they wonder why…
honestly…i would have done the same thing that your homie did…i get the sentiment..especially when you looking at how the mom is living..and compound the fact that if he doesn't have enough dough to take primary custody via the court…homie is *trapped*. yeah, i would have man'd up, buckled down, and did the same thing…except get her pregnant a 2nd time.
this is another reason why i'm keeping my d*ck in my pants till i'm married.
Well, if she's too busy backing that ass up in the club to actually get a job (as Dr. J pointed out in the OP), then he HAS to have an advantage there…..
I can't pretend that I know what I'd do in that situation because I honestly don't think I'd ever find myself in situation. He f*cked up by hitting that raw, but he f*cked up worse by being with her to begin with. It doesn't sound like she misrepresented her personality and he should have better standards.
I can respect that your friend "manned-up" and married his child's mother however we all know the saying about "how you can’t turn a hoe into a house wife." This woman now seems to be the bane of his existence but by his own selfish doing. No one told him to swim in the proverbial ocean without a wet suit. I am not a supporter of divorce but I think cohabitating as roommates is not the answer. That is not healthy for the children or the parents involved… I for one do not think he is trapped but he has some sacrifices to make.
Now, to answer your question I think this dude I know asked this chick (who has issues) to marry him because….wait for it…..he has issues too. I mean all kinds of issues (more than Essence) but seriously he had the concept of marriage all wrong. I think too many people don't weigh the checks and balances of marriage. I am not trying to be all lofty with my opinions. I have been engaged twice and I was going to marry one of ex-fiancés for the wrong reasons (SECURITY, seemed like the "right thing to do", he loved ME a lot). I thank God that I had loved ones that stepped in to show me the error of my ways. Again, good post Dr. J it was really thought provoking.
"I can respect that your friend “manned-up” and married his child’s mother"
This is the sad part… because he seems like a good dude and like he had good intentions.
If this is a true story, I just hope that they eventually figure it all out for the kids sake…
You're right reluctant. He does seem like a good dude. Just not a smart one. SMH
Stories like this is why I can't see myself getting married. Even though he knocked her up (his fault 100 percent), she's still a hoe (her fault 100 percent).
Why doesn't the dude leave the wife and get custody of the child? I know the child needs two parents, but personally speaking, I refuse to deal with infidelity from a woman in ANY FORM.
Dr J………… is that baby his? She letting dudes smash in club bathrooms and she said at the time of the pregnancy she wasn't his only… is that baby his?
I've got A MILLION of these stories. My friends who impregnate pretty girls never have a problem getting on one knee. Its the ones that go raw in their jump offs that really struggle.
My ace boon C))n got it bad. He had this bottom chick that was this wack – med looking 2520 that would do ANYTHING for him. Came from a good family, but wanted to be down with the gangsta handsome black guy. One day he just got lazy and didn't reach for the condom, he said it was right there on the motel dresser, he was to drunk to get it. She ends up preggers, for the second time and she told him "she can't get a second abortion b/c it might really screw her up" This true??
Anyway, him being a G tells her flat out 'Don't love you. I don't even like you as a person. No ring. You aint good enough.' But her dad is this political big shot. Lets put it like this, her dad made money off of 9/11. Probably millions. Corporate gangster. Her dad pays him a visit. Comes to the house unannounced, and takes my boy on a fishing trip. My boy comes back from the fishing trip …. says he is going to marry the girl. Won't tell us what happened on the trip, what they talked about, and didn't bring back any fish. 0_o
I wish I could tell you the marriage is going bad. But like I said she was a really ride-or-die white girl. Plus he isn't spending much time with her, about a year after the baby was born he had to start a 5-7 (I think) year sentence in the Feds. I gotta hope he comes home in time for my wedding.
You know… if it wasn't for my boy I wouldn't have understood how men end up taking care of kids that ain't there's. Real talk, to get a paternity test, you need to be 90% sure that baby ain't yours. I'll tell you why too, both families are going to know it's going down, which may lead to her daddy and/or brother smashing your head in. And, if it is yours, the baby mother might be pissed and tell your seed that when he grows up. It's a tough decision to make. Once you go the paternity test route, you're basically throwing off the gloves on the relationship.
The sell Paternity test in the Drugstores now… No excuse!
I don't agree. That's like saying getting tested for STDs during a relationship is bad. Regardless of the situation, an adult is ALWAYS responsible for him/herself. In fact, if there was even a sliver of doubt that the child was mine, I'll get a paternity test. Ol' girl MIGHT be mad (you know the guilty get mad like their innocent), she'll get over it. The child will understand as they get older and hear the same stories or experience the same situations.
I'm as emotional about sex as anyone, but c'mon. These are just facts…you were sleeping with other people, I was sleeping with other people, let's just be sure about paternity. It's borderline ridiculous not to. Now whether he's the bio dad or not, he's their father and there's no turning back. Why wait? Why do people think that the person you want to be the father is somehow magically the father? Same as STD testing, maybe a lil uncomfortable, but it helps that some diseases lay dormant and you can use that if your partner just can't FATHOM the concept of infidelity. O_o
1. LMAO @ them not bringing back any fish. I think I sense your disappointment.
2. Yea… if a chick has too many abortions it could prevent her from ever having kids and/or give her health problems. How many is too many? Depends on the girl.
Short-time reader, first time replier. Hope that doesn't put me in the lurker category. I had one of my boys get married last summer to his "baby mama" and not a single one of his friends (nor one of his brothers btw) supported it happening. He basically felt guilty after literally having the conversation with his now father-in-law that you mentioned above.
Now I can't lie, his situation is nowhere near as bad as this one, and as of yet he only has his one child. But I can understand the feeling of disappointment you feel when you see a friend that has about the same chance of ever meeting his potential as a Black chick has at marrying Tiger Woods. As for the question "What would you have done…" Can't say I'd let this happen. A minute of forethought can save you a lifetime of despair. But I know trying to build a marriage based off of guilt and resentment instead of love and trust can't bring anyone any happiness, especially the child/children.
"But I know trying to build a marriage based off of guilt and resentment instead of love and trust can’t bring anyone any happiness, especially the child/children."
*shakes tambourine* No Eve. Welllllll!
I also learned@a young age to be not just smash random guys because they could end up being your baby daddy. The thought of that just makes me cringe. Getting this chick preggers a second time is mind boggling to me. Also it "irks" me quite a bit when men/women throw away their lives on wack relationships etc. Marriage is not something u just jump into or do with everybody. If a girl isn't ready to be a good girlfriend why would u marry her? Relationships in which the parents stay together because of the kids never work.
Cosign everything u said. I think using a baby to entrap a guy is just phony, even if he ends up marrying d girl there would be dis element of distrust amongst them n 4 ladies,its just really sad if u hav to gamble with another life just to 'have a man'if it honestly happens by mistake,fine but if done on purpose,dats just being desperate.
Its definitely not right to marry someone jus cos dey're your babymama or daddy,really sad cos I've seen cases where dis backfired!
i don't understand men who say the court battle is "too hard" ….. that girl was more interested in the streets than being a mother…. same way he buckled down early and got a 2nd job and got it together when he knew he was becoming a father …. buckle ur azz down again, get in a class… find the programs out there that help single parents … line ur sh*t up and take your kid from that triflin ho-bag …. men need to drop the excuses … his days of pimpin were over he could have been responsible instead of subjecting his offspring to such a terrible influence !!!
He needs to get him self together … start gathering his "evidence" against her, and get his support team including character witnesses, emergency child care back ups and a lawyer …..
I hear what you are saying… and its a logical solution… but its still REALLY hard for a man to get primary custody of their children… no matter WHAT the woman is doing.
Its unfair and a sad reality. Not saying that he shouldn't try… but I can understand why a man who is trying to do right by his child could become extremely hopeless and frustrated when it comes to the court system…
Yes and no. In the Dept of Children Services, there's something called 'Termination of Parental Rights.' AT ANYTIME, for ANY REASON, he can contact a local office if he feels the mother's actions endangers/neglects the child or the child's well being. Based on an assessment by DCS, the court can terminate her rights as a parents due to 'voluntary neglect of a minor,' which is a crime.
I realize that a man CAN get custody of his kids…
What I said is that most of the time its a lot HARDER for a man to get custody of his kids. The courts are NOT going to take a child away from his mother unless there is some SERIOUS negelct going on.
I co-sign 3000%! This is exactly what my comment would have been! He most definitely could've had full custody; especially when there was only one child. Pics, texts, emails, a journal of her outings… all of that admissible in family court, lol.
Now that he's a parent to 2 of her children, the chances are slimmer but… hey it might be worth a shot.
I was dating a guy with a kid whose BM was some straight garbage juice. I told him you need to get custody of your son and I can help you if you like… there are sooo many ways to do it. What did he do? Nothing. What happened? The mother off and got married to some military dude she met in the club after like 2 months (unbeknownst to the father until the week of), and moved their son with them across country when stepdaddy was reassigned the next week. And you know what he could do about it? Nothing. Nothing but cry b/c I told him get his shat in order. She's a ho-bag and I saw it coming.
Sounds like excuses to me! It doesnt seem like she would really fight that hard to keep the kids. She wants to party and him having full custody will allow her to continue.
Yeah but thats the thing. She doesn't HAVE to fight very hard to keep the kids… the courts would most likely grant custody to her anyway.
And although she might not fight HARD for them…trust me, she would still want LEGAL custody so she could get child support (because according to the story, she barely kept a job).
I'm not saying that eventually he couldn't get custody… I'm just saying that its not as easy as everyone thinks. I mean… look at Dewayne Wade! After all these years, he just NOW got custody of his kids. Its not easy. The courts favor women…
Had a friend do this. She wasn't a JO but he married her cuz she was pregnant and she's a great mother but they weren't getting along and he was talking divorce when he came back from a tour overseas but she ended up pregnant again. He says they are still getting a divorce but who knows. He's leaving overseas again soon so we'll see when he comes back. Why he knocked her up the second time I don't know.
"Why he knocked her up the second time I don’t know"
Sex feels good, even with tricks
sometimes especially with tricks.
Little known fact: babies are a potential side effect of sex. #CrazyIKnow
You guys know I normally don't get involved in the commenting until much later, but let me say something. To win a custody battle as a man is not as easy as it sounds. I have a few friends who have tried and only one was able to do it. And he basically had to drive his baby mother into the ground. In order for the court to declare a mother unfit, it takes a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean, a lot. The one friend that I have who won custody of his children; (1) He stopped smoking weed for 6 months, knowing that the baby mother was still smoking then had her drug tested, (2) He got a signed statement from the babysitter on how many times a week she worked, (mind you, he swindled her by never telling her he was trying to get custody and he paid for the babysitter), (3) He just kept calling DCFS and having them go over there to check in and see what was going on. He had to create this long paper trail. Now to be honest with you, most men just ain't trying to go that far. He basically had to set her up. And also don't forget the harsh reality of custody battles too. No one wants to say it, but someone will say it, there's some money to be had in a custody battle. Bad parents will straighten up and fly right when it comes to who is paying/receiving child support.
I know folks is like he should just get custody and bounce, but as a man, you're in a disadvantage there.
'To win a custody battle as a man is not as easy as it sounds. I have a few friends who have tried and only one was able to do it. And he basically had to drive his baby mother into the ground. In order for the court to declare a mother unfit, it takes a lot.'
Exactly! Custody almost always goes to the women, even under "sketchy" circumstances…
right. and even though it's a lot, i would hope your BM being a ho-bag and your child being worth it is enough motivation…
EXACTLY Ms. Flyy !!!
The reason its so hard for men in court is because men are LESS likely to go that extra distance and sacrifice for their child ….. Parents need to put their children first !!
I agree. It's hard, no doubt….but what your boy's going through right now is hard. Hell parenting is hard. Even if he can't get full custody…he's gotta try.
i was having this conversation the other day. a man basically has to have a picture of the mom with her crackpipe in one hand and the child in the other to even get a court to consider giving over custody.
Thats what I'm sayin! Its MUCH harder for a man to get custody of his kids than it is for a woman to go to the courts and get his visitation taken away.
The courts almost ALWAYS side with women, regardless of what kind of mess she has going on in her personal life. Its just the way it is…
This type of stuff happens alll the time. While the good girls are struggling to find a good man…the "good men" are focused on "Operation: Turn This Hoe into a Housewife". I would have sympathy for him but this is the path he chose. 1st order of business: get a DNA test for both of the children. There's nothing worse than giving up your life for someone elses slip up. 2nd order of business: get his sh*t together & find a mother for his children. He has to love his children enough to know that their biological mother isn't a good example of a parent. Your boy is just plain pathetic & I'm sure his wife's friends & conquests are laughing at him right now. I hate to see anyone made a fool of…male or female. I don't know how he isn't contemplating suicide or murder…this can't be life! Quick (important) question: how OLD are these two?
"This type of stuff happens alll the time. While the good girls are struggling to find a good man…the “good men” are focused on “Operation: Turn This Hoe into a Housewife”.
I was thinking the same thing. **sighs**
Men always say that good girls like bad boys. Well… I also think the reverse is true alot of times…
Not the reverse…lol.
I meant that good boys like bad girls…
Sorry… its still early. 🙂
Nope. Not THIS man. LOL
I don't do tricks, h*es, skeezers….trick-ass marks, mark-ass tricks, heffers, hee-haws, or hoolie-hoos. (Word to Silky Johnson.)
Do you know my cousin was going to divorce her hubby and all of a sudden he started questioning paternity of one of their sons… Lawyer said (at least in the state of MD) it doesn't matter. He said he'd been living as his father (providing food, housing, clothes, etc.) in the same household for more than 3 years so in the courts eyes, that's his daddy. No need for paternity test…
Except it is…I mean he's been fathering them…he's their father…what's DNA got to do with it? I know lots of folks that their stepdad is more of a father to them than their sperm donor of a father. How you just stop loving a child that you've raised as your own for the past 5 years?
Paternity checks EARLY and often – once you're a daddy, you're a daddy. Good, bad, deadbeat or otherwise.
Lol. Right. And it is his son… he wanted to get the paternity test just to be mean but the fact that the court would pay it no nevermind is what he got for being a douche.
"While the good girls are struggling to find a good man…the “good men” are focused on “Operation: Turn This Hoe into a Housewife”. "
we're actually working on "Operation keep d*ck in Pants till we know she's worth it"…unless i got the wrong marching orders again…
Time in *tweeet*
Not saying too much except I second Misspeache. And for the record, 'man up' does Not mean marry a hoe. Hell it doesn't mean marry because she is pregnant. It means take responsibility: in this case a paternity test should have been first of the list. Then, if all is good (baby was his), provide as a parent, support emotionally, and tap into those resources mentioned by Misspeache. I have seen similar situations happen to a few ppl & they ended in divorce. The ones suffering from this horrific mistake are the children. Your friend needs to think about them and his well being and make some moves quick!
Here’s my question, what would you have done in that situation?
If I was the guy, I would file for divorce and make sure I have proof of her tricking ways. Depending on what type of mother she is when she isn't in the club would determine if I would fight for full custody or not.
The initial decision was a good one, but should he have just went the child support route up front? I agree with you that people get married for the wrong reasons and with the wrong people. That being said, he shouldn't have gotten married to her just because she was pregnant especially since she was just the jump-off. Maybe they should have dated first to see if they were compatible outside of the bedroom and go from there. Just because a woman is having your baby does not mean she deserves a ring (at least from you).
Stories like these always irk me.This post is good, I just can't stand people who don't take care of their responsibility. Especially, when it involves a guy who is trying to do the right thing. I hope he gets out of his situation because there is always a way out.
LMBO @ the caption under the picture is too funny.
People say negative things about people marrying for all the wrong reasons….what are those wrong reasons? Other than money and beauty, marriage was never this romantic Cinderella story that people think. Since the beginning of time, people have married due to pregnancy, family pressure, etc.
Did he do the right thing….who knows yet?
"what would you have done in that situation?"
"The initial decision was a good one, but should he have just went the child support route up front?"
It depends. IMO, his life would be no less chaotic with that route as well. Obviously, he wanted to marry her, because we all know too many people opting out of marriage yet deciding co-parenting is better. I think he loved her some level, enough to forget what type of person he was marrying. He knew what he was doing. Maybe he thought it would better to be within the situation as opposed to just paying child support and seeing the children sporadically.
I think he is a stand up guy and therefore will be blessed wither way. Not many brothers stand up to the choices they make today.
Cosign this entire comment. I applaud him for stepping up to the plate. At least he tried to do right by the situation.
I hate that it turned out the way it did for him though…
At least the story isn't over yet. People are so cruel…he's drowning his sorrows in trees and she's drowning her's in the bottle and club. They both have issues, so what makes him SO much better.
None of us are perfect and even if we becomes parents, we don’t just wake up and say, oh I’m a parent now, I must be perfect.
I think people are missing that.
"None of us are perfect and even if we becomes parents, we don’t just wake up and say, oh I’m a parent now, I must be perfect."
You're so right about that. My best friend and I were JUST having a conversation about our parents last night… how they did the best with what they had and what they knew at the time…
FYI! People need to stop acting like there aren't rules to this thing. We are MADE in his image and therefore he is very understanding of things such as this, but he also gives you wys to CORRECT your choices…..so miss me with all that wrong reason talk.
"Exodus 22:16-17 gives instruction on what to do if an unmarried, unengaged man has consensual sex with an unmarried, unengaged woman: "If a man seduces (implies consent) a virgin (or a woman of marriageable age) who is not pledged to be married, and sleeps with her, he must pay the bride-price (or marriage present) and she shall be his wife." Most scholars believe the same prohibition is found in Deuteronomy 22:28-29, "If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and he seizes her and lies with her, and they are discovered … he must marry the girl…." Most scholars believe that "rape" is not being addressed here, but consensual pre- marital sex (albeit the man's strong initiation), especially given the phrase "and they are discovered."
O__o I'm a Christian. I go to church every Sunday and I'm throwing flags again on this. I have seen my pastor turn people down when they come to him as couples who are TOGETHER and not marrying where each is doing the right thing.
But ain't no way on God's beautiful little blue and green earth I am going to agree that because we had CONSENSUAL sex and I get pregnant we need to get married.
I might have been a tad tipsy (but still able to consent), that thing might have been big and I wanted to feel it or it just might have been that time and my hormones were raging. Brotha might have been a thug or a gentleman… either way… Just cause of that doesn't mean folks should be running to the altar. If that were the case, I'd be believe my Hebrew friends on being married to the people you have relations with BUT I'd be married and divorced so many times… and I'm not even 25…
But, I don't want to totally discount you without hearing some more of your point.
Yeah, it may not sound appealing but there is at least a guide in place to handle such situations.
As with anything, though we may not AGREE or LIKE something doesn't make it wrong or crazy.
"If that were the case, I’d be believe my Hebrew friends on being married to the people you have relations with BUT I’d be married and divorced so many times… and I’m not even 25… "
Your personal choices do not change the fact that this may be the best route for people once those choices are made.
I think there are guides to handle just about everything out there.
No one reads them. They definitely don't understand them. I don't know your story. The advice is nice but not that practical.
My personal choices belong to me. I'm pretty lucky (read: blessed) not to have to deal with these types of situations.
That said, I can't say that the first thing I'd have come up with for THIS situation would have been the Bible. IF that had been the FIRST course of action, neither one of them would have lives that look like what they look like.
What do I know though?
I get what you are saying.
I know many people don't read. However, the information is and has always been there. I, like many, didn't know it until it was shared with me. My story is one of learning and growing. I choose to not continue making crazy choices out of ignorance just because its too much work to learn the best way. I am not perfect and never claimed to be but in my imperfections I can still notice TRUTH when I see/hear it. And that verse makes sense to ME. If you start something you should finish it or be disciplined enough not to go there. I think thats why the guy married her, he is finishing what he started and for that I think he will win either way! Since the situation wrote about in the post was shady from the beginning it will take some time for the shade to clear up.
I am not a Christian, but I do read the Bible and other books. I thought being a Christian included that? How can one consider themselves something without knowing what is FULLY expected of them?
I feel obligated to pass on common sense solutions to others. What is a treasure worth if you can't share it?
I just feel as if people put themselves sin situations then act like woe is me when the cards start falling. My point in bringing it something wrote long, long ago (Bible) is simply to say: this stuff has BEEN happening since the beginning of time. We may think that we are SO different from the people in those days but we really are not. So why would the solutions be different? Times have changed but morals and values don’t…people just don’t stand for much nowadays. Everybody jumping on bandwagons of self-destruction because it’s ‘normal’ today. It’s cool to be stupid today, let’s just be real.
Just realized the Internet Gods at my company unblocked SBM. All praises due.
Jay, you need to sit your boy down, feed him a shot of Jack, then immediately slap the s*** out of him.
Dudes need to realize that just because you have a baby with a woman does NOT mean that you have to stay with her.
Now before anyone gets their ovaries in a bunch, under no circumstances would I ever advocate a man abandoning his child. Definitely man up and take care of yours. And if she's as bad as your boy says, he should also seek custody of his kids.
But staying married to the broad? Then getting her pregnant again? Has he not stopped for a moment to think that maybe, just maybe he's partially responsible for her doing what she does? I mean, if she can run around all night partying, and he foots the bill (you let her go to bike week cuz?), then why would she stop?
Man, I can't tell yall how blessed I feel everyday to have a circle that would NEVER let me go out like that.
Alright, one of the questions I was hoping would be addressed was whether or not the baby is his. I see we have the understanding that he's the type to still take care of said children…
Anyways, I commend this man for what he was TRYING to do. I don't see any reason he should continue to remain in this marriage. It is not healthy for him, the children or for her. Perhaps, if he took the kids and went on his merry way she would realize that she has to GROW THE EFF UP.
Now, do the courts give men sole custody often? No. But, ask yourself, how in he!! can she provide a loving, stable home for these children without a job? The only problem I see with him is his weed smoking… He got to let that go. Get his kids and make his life better. Speaking from experience, he has the possibility of meeting a great chick who is willing to step right on in and be supportive, etc. All he's got to do is drop the …zero.
I actually admire this guy…he is not a selfish man….he is doing what he thinks is right for his child…clearly, he is not going to run out and leave this child with the Mother….she isn't even showing that she can do a good job of raisng this child without him in the home…only thing I can say is…..I give him props..I hope one day this woman realizes what she has….in the meantime, Dr. J. hang in there with your boy…he needs the support….this guy is miserable..and I just hope that one day soon…he can see his way out of this situation.
I would like to add this one thing about staying with someone for the kids….if your relationship is unhealthy and toxic…you are doing the child no favors staying in this environment….children can sense tension in the home..they are very perceptive….sometimes it is much better to leave the home so that peace can be achieved…..kids don't want to see arguing and fighting..this affects them in ways you can't even imagine….so, never think you are doing that child any favors staying in a toxic situation….
I am sending e-hugs to this guy…I really feel for him. I am actually going to say a prayer for him. real talk.
"children can sense tension in the home..they are very perceptive….sometimes it is much better to leave the home so that peace can be achieved…..kids don't want to see arguing and fighting..this affects them in ways you can't even imagine…."
Exactly Queen T! Although he's trying to do what's right that environment is not only bad for him but the children as well. Continuing to expose them to this will hurt them in the long run and they may even act out. Although its easier said them done I hope he can muster up the courage to make a change.
I was going to write something, but instead I'll just cosign QueenT's comment. Except I'm not sending dude any e-hugs.
lol No e-hugs? Damn Scrooge. 😉
I got e-hugs for you all day Star, I'm just not giving any e-hugs to this dude.
*squeezes back* thanks, I can always use a hug. 🙂
"would like to add this one thing about staying with someone for the kids….if your relationship is unhealthy and toxic…you are doing the child no favors staying in this environment….children can sense tension in the home..they are very perceptive"
There is a flip side to this too. They will also sense the tension of the divorce/split family as well. Either way, tension WILL be felt. Which one is the lesser of the two though? That is the question.
It's safe to say that the same things were going on back in the day yet, marriages lasted much longer. The children turned out better for some reason though. So IS leaving really the answer…why not counseling, going to church, mosque, temple, or something else an option other than LEAVING…that is not the solution for everything.
I agree Beef Bacon….leaving should be a last resort AFTER you have tried EVERYTHING…I 100% agree with you on that.
This story makes me sad. I know too many people who have married (or are about to be married) for the wrong reasons and I think it's just the most tragic thing ever. I can't imagine a life in which you are confronted on a daily basis with the result of a boneheaded move you made.
If it were me, I'd probably do something similar to what your boy did – stick it out and throw spaghetti at walls trying to find something that works. I wouldn't leave my kid(s).
Whoa. Deep post man, props.
Dr. J: "Here’s my question, what would you have done in that situation? The initial decision was a good one, but should he have just went the child support route up front? In addition to this scenario, can you think of some stories where people got married for the wrong reasons? It could be children or just because they were together too long."
While I've been in a similar situation, I've never been in this exact situation. I've spoken on this before on my site but without going into all the details, I had an X that got pregnant and lost the child. At that time, I was of the mindset that I would marry her. My folks didn’t advise against it but as some of the commenters have said, they didnt want that to be the sole reason. Nor did my girl at the time.
I think the difference in my case is that I was already in a relationship with her and she was a good woman. However, it was one of those sitches were a good woman and a good man aren’t always meant to be if that makes sense? But, I would have stepped up to the plate. Obviously, I have no way of knowing how that would have worked out or if in the long run I would have become embittered but I doubt it. That's not really the type of man I am. I hold myself very accountable for my actions and the consequences of said actions. Plus, I dont think a child is always a make/break situation. Sometimes children make men and women out of boys and girls – not always the case though. Of course, no one ever wants to feel "trapped" but at the same time – in my opinion – you have to be a man about yours. Nuff said.
On the other question, people get married for the wrong reasons all the time. If not most of the time. I'm actually surprised how little consideration people give marriage these days. It seems like people get a little puppy love in their system and all of a sudden they want to make a lifetime commitment, then wonder why 3 months down the road when the glow wears off they're at each other's throat. I'll speak more on that another day.
Specific to this post, where your boy slipped up – and I don’t know him so I'm only going off context – is trying to change a ho into a housewife. Notice the language I'm using here. You can, contrary to popular belief, make a ho a housewife but I wouldn’t advise it. The key ingredient is to find a ho that's already made that change or that wants to make that change. I think a more accurate statement is you cant make someone change, ho or otherwise, if they haven't made that decision themselves. J, you and I have spoke on this numerous times so this is for those unfamiliar with those conversations:
If hos can't become housewives, please inform me where are all those Luke Dancers from the 80s and 90s went?
*slowly turns head 180 degrees and stares awkwardly at some of the 20 year olds in the building*
"If hos can’t become housewives, please inform me where are all those Luke Dancers from the 80s and 90s went?"
They're on ABC specials, asking "where are all the good men?"
"Specific to this post, where your boy slipped up – and I don’t know him so I’m only going off context – is trying to change a ho into a housewife. Notice the language I’m using here. You can, contrary to popular belief, make a ho a housewife but I wouldn’t advise it. The key ingredient is to find a ho that’s already made that change or that wants to make that change. I think a more accurate statement is you cant make someone change, ho or otherwise, if they haven’t made that decision themselves."
I feel like I know a few people who got jumpoffs pregnant. I also feel like most men don't even know the extent of how much a shorty is a jumpoff until an intervention. A lot of people who read this site have been in non-exclusive situations before. You don't know how many people that other person is sleeping with. A lot of women/men be a-ok with those arrangements too.
PLEASE Tell me ya boy got paternity tests on BOTH kids!!!!! Especially the second one!!!
But I would've just went the child support route. Getting married only added double trouble. Before all she could get him for was child support, now she can get him for everything else in the divorce.
And as bad as a mom she's been, it's sad that the courts will STILL give her custody.
Keep in mind folks, if you go to court and tell the judge that the reason why the woman is not fit to be a mother is because she is a jumpoff and out in the streets all the time. They will tell you her s*x life has nothing to do with her ability to be a mother. That won't work. They gonna give her a chance to straighten up too.
Aside, I was dating this girl one time and she told me that she wouldn't call the cops on her baby father for not paying child support because she didn't want her daughter to have a father who was in jail. There could be an argument made that a dude won't fight the custody battle because i'm telling you straight up when a woman loses her kids … it takes just about everything away from her. She looks real bad. People automatically assume she's hooked on drugs or abusive. Maybe the father doesn't want his kids to think that about their mother or have to hear it from family and friends.
Why should her child's father care what she looks like to the outside world when she obviously doesn't care about being a parent to the child? That's the only perception anyone should be worried about.
Regardless of it he takes full custody and the child hears from family friends that Mommy ain't shat or if the child realizes on it's own that Mommy ain't shat b/c she's never home but always out with her friends… the end equation is Mommy ain't shat.
… I said family & friends.
Like I said before, it's easier said than done. Don't make it right, and don't mean it's going to make sense to any of us who are not in that situation. It's easy on the outside looking in to have the simple solution. But i'm just trying to tell you people give themselves all types of rationalizations for staying in messed up situations. It's not easy.
Family/friends… same thing, outside my house.
And I didn't say it was going to be easy. Don't think it would… know for a fact that it isn't. I've been in a messed up situation so I know it's not easy to leave.
The post asked for my perception… what would I have done, and that's it.
"Maybe the father doesn’t want his kids to think that about their mother or have to hear it from family and friends."
If so he is protecting his children’s' self-esteem, which his tied directly to how children feel about their parents.
It is so wrong for a parent to trash the other parent in front of the children. And people wonder why lil Timmy thinks he isn't worth anything, because he's heard mommy say that about daddy numerous times.
The children don't understand what mommy/daddy going through. All they know is that they love their parents despite their flaws. Furthermore, it would be a great lesson for the children to see grown people work through issues instead of running FROM them all the time.
It's true, my sons know that I work it out with their father and that we love one another. They know that you don't give up easily on the people that you love. They've gotten that lesson if nothing else.
I don't usually comment…but that one was real sad.
I remember when I wanted a 3rd baby. My youngest had just finished pre-school and the baby bug bit me (I don't know why nature does that to women) but I spoke to my husband about it and he said unequivocally NO. He wanted no more children and that they're too expensive. They were already cramping his lifestyle and he would not be happy with me if we had a 3rd child. I had to think long and hard about it. Hmmm, either keep this man happy and have a tight family with the two we've got or push him too far with a 3rd.
I only have 2 children and now that they're almost ready for college I don't know what the HELL I was thinking when I considered a third. Marriage is compromise; it's a give and take relationship. It ain't all about you and it ain't all about him. Once you put children in the mix it ain't about either ONE of you anymore it's about THEM.
People need to grow up and stop making rash decisions. A baby is not an accessory, it's not going to keep people together and 9x out of 10 it will tear them apart because people aren't willing to be selfless.
Sorry about your friend Dr. J….he'll leave eventually when he's had enough and pay out the ass for the peace of mind.
Marriage is compromise; it’s a give and take relationship.
This is an excellent point. I don't think we realize this before we go into it as much as we do one week into it.
I have been thinking about this for awhile now. A couple of weeks ago while I was out on a Thursday night (as I was encouraged to do) a MARRIED man told the SINGLE ladies and gents that Thursday is his day out and about. I've seen his wife out but she always goes in early. I think that's an important balance.
That happens when children are not so educated, the lack of communication. Today, kids are so naive, only hormones jump in their had and get doing such thing. They wake up in the middle of a big problem, a kid making another kid, have to assume a huge responsibility in an early age and still some of them don't realize that and keep live their life as usual.
Its sad to see a man or a woman in this situation. Sometimes we think that people change once that ring is put on or last name changed but they don't, they just get a reliable babysitter out of their partner.
I believe he was trying to do the right thing, and I admire that, but unfortunately, in this case, he should of just gone for the child support or custody battle.
I respect dude for doing what he thinks is right, but marying her is NOT the right move, especially if she was a "jumpoff". If you're having unprotected sex with a girl whom you've deemed loose (or guys), then the pregnancy is a VERY REAL result. You can't blame anyone but yourself, and that's what sucks!
I think dude needs to find himself again, because no one is worth you losing yourself, letting yourself go, or hving an unfavorable life. You gotta look ou for self too!
Sad story indeed, but excellent writing Dr. J.
Please tell me that paternity testing has been done? Regardless he's the children's father and that's a great advantage to them. But all sacrifice and no self respect is not doing your children any favors. Your children mold their ideas of what relationships are supposed to look like based off of what they see modeled for them every day. He doesn't want his daughters thinking that men are weak, lifeless, spineless sources or money or his sons thinking that women are at best good for sex and procreation. A father is a daughter's first love and a son's greatest hero. He's gotta love him a little him and do what's best for his family long term. It's admirable that he tried to make things work, but you gotta know when to jump ship too. A marriage takes two people, and that *pause* woman isn't interested in making a successful marriage or family.
IMO, he needs to leave, not only for himself, but for those children. It will indeed stink if the courts take the children from him, but he needs to be building his case – yesterday. It's rare for a man to get custody, but not impossible. And this "mother" may not even fight him. She wants to party. Kids aren't very party conducive.
This might be the worst story I've ever herd.
This is a nightmare for a real life situation, that usually end's up in a homicide or severe domestic violence….
I will pray for this family and those children's futures
"Not only was she being a bad mother, but she was also being a bad wife."
yup…and he is being a bad husband.
hmmm..how did this guy go from *man up* to basically simp behavior? (am i being too harsh?) imo his first mistake was a failure to get a DNA on baby #1 as the old folks say "momma's baby, daddy's maybe" or in technical terms, misattributed paternity**. but alas now he has baby #2 on the way and he is in a no-win situation. any child born within wedlock is legally (if not biologically) his offspring. his options are few…they are difficult at best. *sigh* i feel for him. really i do. when he finally puts his foot down and stops the gravy train, there will be much weeping and gnashing of teeth. comments like, "i've become accustomed to [insert ridiculous item(s)]" will appear. smh
ps i really love this blog; i look forward to the comments & the fray every morning.
Here’s my question, what would you have done in that situation?
Well, we would've had a prenuptial agreement (or no marriage) and I wouldn't have gotten her pregnant a second time!
The initial decision was a good one, but should he have just went the child support route up front?
Due to the gender bias in custody battles, getting child support would've been extremely difficult. What's more difficult though is supporting a child AND an adult. The courts are more willing to terminate her parental rights. Go to children services. They even have an anonymous tip line. EVERY call made to the time line has to be investigated.
In addition to this scenario, can you think of some stories where people got married for the wrong reasons? It could be children or just because they were together too long.
Yeah. I know people who got married for the wrong reasons. Specifically, they had a baby to "fix" their destructive and abusive relationship and when that didn't work, got married to "fix" that. Yeah… Of course they've gotten divorced.
I didn't see anything about him verifying that this child was his. Unless she came out with some feature that makes her undeniably his, she shouldn't have been ready to sign those papers. Usher.
I feel so bad for him. I don't know how I feel about child support ever since I worked for them. Sitting on the other end of the phone telling distraught fathers and mothers that they owe money or they might be arrested was semi depressing. BUT in this situation, if the kid is inevitably his, he should have went the CS route. Have the money taken out his check how ever frequently he got paid, made her contact DSS, all that jazz. And then she's still on her jumpoff sh!t? I can't. That's the worst part of this whole thing. Cuz it's not like he's not trying. His whole demeanor changed for this new life he thought he was living. This new responsibility. And she's tricking?
Be a stripper or something (if she's nice & good looking) and at least get paid for it. Heaux.
This is sad..
Now as far as people getting married for the wrong reasons, I've yet to encounter those kinda people. But I'm sure it happens. Where people are just getting married for the children or because it was arranged. They end up not loving each other and feelings are hurt. Hearts are broken. Some people stay in it because they're against divorces.Others just get divorced. But that's common knowledge, right?
Nice post Jaxson. :/
Then he got her pregnant a SECOND time??? Something gotta be wrong with ya boy. I don't know if these kids are his. I'd file a case against her though if they are his…
i said it before and i'll say it again. children are not a reason to get married. not in this day and age. i'm not marrying for children. i'm marrying for love. this is why i'll take precautions [like only sleeping with women who i can imagine being the mother of my children]. it sounds like such a simple concept but its lost on so many people.
This reminded me of sex before marriage …maybe not such a good idea… (not realistic in 2011) but in these situations…. *shrugs*
"i’m marrying for love"
That's cute but naive…sorry just had to say it.
Because when the love is on the down slope…what will keep you there then?
There comes times in ALL marriages where you wonder why you even married your spouse…you won't feel 'in love" or even like you love the person anymore…what then?
Beef Bacon: "That’s cute but naive…sorry just had to say it.
Because when the love is on the down slope…what will keep you there then?
There comes times in ALL marriages where you wonder why you even married your spouse…you won’t feel ‘in love” or even like you love the person anymore…what then?"
What will keep you there? Love. As I've said a few times before, love isn't a feeling, it's a decision. Or as Most put it last week, "…love is not only an emotion, but a verb. What I mean is, love is not only something you feel, but also something you do."
Of course, we're kinda saying the same thing, we're just defining love differently. I'm defining love as staying through thick and thin, I think here you're defining it more as a feeling of infatuation.
i'm with hugh. its love that's gonna keep me there. perhaps thats why i'm not married yet. i take the sanctity of marriage very seriously. i'm know heading in its going to very difficult for me to want to get out.
i don't think its naive either. how is saying i'm marrying for love naive? as opposed to marrying for what?
I was thinking the same thing too. How is marrying for love naive? What else would you marry for? Cuz it FEELS right? I'm sure homie thought it felt right to marry the jumpoff cuz she had "his" baby. I'm waiting though..
My first thought was WOW!!! Thats fucked up! My next thought was, hasn't heard the phrase: "Can't turn a hoe into a housewife"? Third: How sad is this shit!
Sad because we have two, not one child growing up with a hoe for a mom and a dad, in so deep he cannot see his way out.
His main concern should be for his kids. He needs to shape up and ship out…with the kids of course.
If he can prove she is an unfit mother, a judge will give him custody of his kids. Look at her history. He has let himself go, he is not taking care of himself, she is cheating on him and he is the one taking care of the kids!
I suggest he clean himself up and lawyer up. He is doing his kids a disservice by not doing so!
I never understood why some men don't choose better women for themselves and look at them beyond being a lay… how could he not see from her behavior that she wouldn't make a good mom? Stevie Wonder would have seen that shit!
I hope your friend can get it together for himself and his kids.
Friend of mine hit me up offline, she won't comment because she thinks y'all would crucify her. But i'm going to post what she said anyway.
(1) Why does everyone keep encouraging him to leave?
Note: She white.
(2) He should try and see if she would be willing to go to therapy or church?
Note: She white.
(3) Last alternative, kick her out the house until she learns how to act right.
Basically her premise was to try and make the mother do right before walking out. To which, I am inclined to agree with. If there's one thing that this entire situation has lacked is holding her accountable for her actions.
Just typing that last paragraph made me think about one of Kain's youtube videos, not that I agree with it, but it just popped in my head:
"Now I kinda gotta hit you, I can't have you disrespecting me in front of my boys."
I don't think the first two will work. I'm all for kicking her out and making her figure out how to live life on HER own WITHOUT his support. That's tough though, because she might just say he kicked her and the kids out. He should get an agency or something to help him (they do exist)
"Basically her premise was to try and make the mother do right before walking out."
Dang, that's what I am saying. No one fights for anything anymore. I feel sorry for the state of marriage today. People have no idea that they WILL encounter things in their marriage that will have them questioning their choice.
Leaving, in most cases should not be the FIRST option.
Don't people believe in second chances or people changing. Than if it comes to it…he can bounce…but not WITHOUT sincerely trying first. And trying is not rolling up a j, or talking to your boys/family about it. Trying is getting objective, wise suggestions.
…and putting those suggestions in action.
the thing is hoes become housewives EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. its like WIM said–she gotta make that change within herself first. there are PLENTY married women with a past. she just was immature that she wasn't ready to give up that life, even if she was a wife or a mother. sad.
I used to work in Child Support Enforcement and establishing paternity upfront is a integral move–I realize not all states require this, but its one I absolutely support. Know if they are biologically yours upfront. Especially if its someone you are not in an exclusive relationship with and you don't "trust" them. I'd never have raw sex with someone I didn't value that much in my life, and I damn sure wouldn't marry them. very sad situation.
Good Afternoon SBM club,
I realize I do have some value to offer to this Cautionary Tale…
On my birthday last Sunday, my mom posed the question “Have you ever gotten a girl pregnant…” which I answered her with a story…
(We are in 2011, so this had to have happen May ’07 or ‘08)
I met this <DEL> genetically challenged </DEL> country girl on this website http://www.plentyoffish.com …
I wanted to meet her because in her pics, it looked like she had a PHAT As$… (#1-800-I GotSwindled)
She lived in HarlemWorld… Both of our logistics were effed up… So she decided to get a hotel motel, and she paid every red cent of that $150 stay…
(Econo-Lodge, Co-op City, Bronx… I keep telling y’all ninjas, IT GOES DOWN IN THE BRONX…)
Keep in mind I wasn’t the only dude who came through that night <DEL> At least, I was the first! </DEL>
So, I used a condom, I beat it up… & I bounced before her friends came through…
Fast forward to December, she hits me up on AIM, telling me that she was pregnant & <DEL> had a miscarriage </DEL>, I tell her no problem, we will get a paternity test…
Then she says the most Ratchiest sh!t I have ever heard, I will paraphrase it…
It had to be your kid, because you were the only guy that came in my p*ssy, everybody else came in my mouth
But again, she had a miscarriage, so nothing really came out of it…
This was SCARY for me, not because she was JUMP-Skeezy… I love s*xually liberated (ie. SELECTIVE) women…
But I knew this woman HAD SERIOUS character flaws (most smuts do), and had a PATERNITY test proved the kid was mine… She & the government would be As$-Rap*ng me with NO lubrication… I picked a bad woman to lay down with…
Between that experience & this post, I learned that you CANNOT be cavalier about sex PERIOD…
I made a rule to myself, that if I sleep with a woman… She has to be a supportive, cooperative, decent human being… even when she doesn’t get her way all the time (or she can just be uber-RICH)…
Because I can live with having a kid OOW, I think it WOULD make a GREAT MAN out of me (WIM reference…)
But I refuse to entangle myself, with sorry a** b*tches…
As bad as his situation is… He needs to FIGHT TOOTH & NAIL to bring peace to himself & to his children… He has to DO WHATEVER IT TAKES…
Thanks Again Dr. J
My sweet little Adonis…. Sometimes I can with you and sometimes I can't… let me go through here and get ALL this straight…
Keep in mind I wasn’t the only dude who came through that night
How do you know you weren't the only dude rolling through that night? Because if I KNOW that you have more than ME going on well…
It had to be your kid, because you were the only guy that came in my p*ssy, everybody else came in my mouth
Was Dr. J the wise man who said something about how the way you speak about the women you get with says something about the women and I was adding on that it says something about you?
Between that experience & this post, I learned that you CANNOT be cavalier about sex PERIOD…
I made a rule to myself, that if I sleep with a woman… She has to be a supportive, cooperative, decent human being… even when she doesn’t get her way all the time (or she can just be uber-RICH)…
You shouldn't be cavalier about sex PERIOD just because this is like playing russian roulette with your health… Too much out there to be screwing skeezers just for a nut.
And …there's no way in anybody's hell you are going to tell me what you are always looking for those characteristics in a woman. I don't think we do that even though we say we are. I don't think we honestly think "I have to deal with them for the next 18 years if ONE sperm reaches that ONE egg".
And just what, in your mighty opinion, would it take for him to bring JUSTICE?
I can say with complete honesty, that I want only sex with this girl…
There is alot of truth into what Dr. J said, however… I tend to be very objective in hindsight with women… and I like to stray away from a one-sided story…
I did tell I did use you a condom, even though there is a possibility that the condom failed, I doubt that kid was mine, because of the <DEL> low </DEL> caliber of female I was dealing with…
I agree with you Jaci, my standards in women are GUIDELINES… rules are not set in stone…
And I respect the animal in me to know that I won't always be faithful to my standards… But I trust my judgement to do the right thing…
At least I know better, so there is a strong possibility that I will do better…
Now on to O' Boy
I can say with complete honesty, that I want only sex with this girl…
This makes me feel better how?
And I respect the animal in me to know that I won’t always be faithful to my standards… But I trust my judgement to do the right thing…
I respect the animal in you too… I think he could be conquered and tempered… Responsibility for previous actions makes that much more likely… I'm glad you do.
And your judgment to do the right thing?
My jury is still out.
And just what, in your mighty opinion, would it take for him to bring JUSTICE?
I love would love Dr. Jay to give me a even more elaborate picture of O' Boy… But based on the info I have…
Paternity Tests… Only to at least bring some peace of mind that me & my children share the same DNA…
I would elaborately set my baby mother up to be a TOTAL villian in the courts eyes… I would PULL OUT ALL THE STOPS… At this point, I have let her get away with TOO MUCH…
I would consult Steve Harvey & Dwayne Wade, LOL… I would at least do some research on Father's getting custody…
Of course, I would eliminate any BS behaviors on my part to paint me in the best possible light…
I would be PRAYING 1 hour/day for my kids & my baby moms…
That's all I have for now…
It's so admirable that it's almost laughable.
Based on your previous stipulations, I am curious to what you would do if I were your baby mama…
I've seen such unions, only too often. My man's friend got a girl pregnant; they've been together 4 months and she's 3 months pregnant. They're moving in together and playing house.Girl is 22 and he's 31, it's his second child. I told my man "I give them 2 years AND I'm just being generous." What made it worse, the girl told my man: "I was after him for so long, and he never paid me no mind, but I did something to get him." When my man asked her what that "something" was, she refused to say. All I'm saying is; As a woman, I've done stupid things that could have gotten me pregnant, but I know damn well that there is no way I'd keep a child unless I had an affinity for the Baby father. This girl wanted the guy, and to ensure he remains in her life, she put herself in a position to get pregnant. The guy should have known better, but clearly, sometimes yall discard reason and listen to your bestie inside your pants. I have friends upon friends who are living this, and as I have always said: "Don't give yourself the excuse of trying it out for the kid, you're doing it for yourself. Either you still love the person or you're unwilling to let go of the fantasy of a 2 parent household, or whatever." My parents "stayed together for the kids", and growing up, home was a battlefield. I was only too happy when they finally seperated; their relationship has fared better ever since, as well. Anyways, lovely blog. I invite you to give me a shout on mine: shegottahaveit.wordpress.com
Your friend should have never even messed around with Miss Loosey Goosey, let alone even think about marrying her. Real talk, he bought all this on himself. I know, young men like to smash and smash often, but damn, going raw with a door knob? His initial decision was not a good one, and yes, he should have had a paternity test, and gone with the child support. He would've been a better example and role model for his child if he had not married that woman, kept his life on track, been a successful young man that can adequately support his child both financially and emotionally.
As for Miss Thang, she was obviously not ready to be a mother or a wife, and they both knew that.He shouldn't have proposed, and she shouldn't have accepted. Marrying for a child, or even trying to have a relationship for the sake of a child almost always ends being a bade idea. And its usually the most detrimental situation for a child. Thing is, your boy still has time to leave. And no one will blame him for it. And that doesn't make him a bad guy. But it will probably make him a better father. I wish him the best. I hope he makes some changes, and I hope she settles down, and handles her responsibilities.
Look….the bible says that the only grounds for divorce is marital unfaithfulness. With that said, a life of unhappiness should not be tolerated. In due time, he may be able to see the child based on a custody agreement.
Smh though. I hope your friend gets it together.
I have a feeling I may be a bit long winded, but I'm gonna try not to….wish me luck.
"The initial decision was a good one"–his initial decision was to stop wearing protection and that was clearly NOT a good decision. Which lands us in the shoulda, coulda, woulda boat–what he shoulda done was this…he coulda done that…if it was me I woulda done…nothing can change the decisions made up until now, so it's pointless to waste time pointing out what he should have done. As his friend, you can certainly help guide him in the right direction.
It's definitely difficult being the only provider for your family and even more frustrating when there is an able body who could help but doesn't. There is nothing worse than losing yourself in a situation. I would suggest he work towards finding himself again and focus on creating a life for himself and those kids…minus her. If she has no interest in being a part of their lives, except for when it is convenient, then don't let her. Right now, she has no reason to change her ways…he is enabling her and accepting her behavior–why would she act right and step up to the plate as a mother and wife? There is no reason to.
I hear everyone say paternity test, and yes, I agree, because it would be awful if his entire life had changed for 2 babies that aren't even his BUT he is all those little ones know. If he went that route and they weren't his–could he really walk away, leaving them in her sole custody? What about the real dad–he'd be handing "his" kids over to be raised by a complete stranger…and no way of knowing how he would treat them or if he'd take proper care of them? I had a hard time giving my dog's puppies away–I mean, I'm supposed to just hand them over to strangers–I hadn't seen their house, yard, how they treat animals, nuthin'…and these were pups I had only bonded with for 8 weeks.
I feel he needs a second opinion in the legal advice department. It is tough for a father to get custody over a mother, but I know 2 men who got custody of their children by proving the mother unfit, and 1 who has custody of his ex fiancées kids, that aren't even his, because he proved her to be unfit. I also know of a mom who doesn't have her daughter because the court awarded custody to the dad–this is the broad my ex husband created a second life with…two selfish beings, who don't take care of their kids–peas in a pod! Anyway, my point is…it is tough, but it can be done. Besides, she has no job, so she couldn't afford an attorney–get her to sign away her parental rights.
Obviously I made the decision to end my marriage, and I hate that I am part of a statistic and I added to the divorce rate, but the truth is…I married for the wrong reasons. Okay, maybe not necessarily for the wrong reasons, but I didn't have a complete list of good reasons. I was young, and when you are young and in love, you tend to overlook certain things about a person which could play a really big part in your relationship as your life together develops.
I was married for 12yrs when I found out my husband had been cheating. I felt that with the time invested, and for the kids sake, walking away wasn't right–so I made the decision to fight for my marriage. After fighting the good fight (alone in the ring)…I had a light bulb moment–a single parent household that is happy, is much better/healthier for my kids than a fake two parent household. Besides, he had "checked out" of our marriage and our lives mentally so long ago that it was stupid to try and cling to a shell of a person. I decided to move forward with my life. I hope to find that special someone, so that my kids can see and learn what it is to be in a loving relationship.
I haven't given up on marriage…marriage is something that I want for myself again. However, I have learned that it is important to be selective in a partner–know what is important to you, not only the character of that person, but what is important to you in building a life with that person–discuss parenting styles, where you want to live, things you'd be willing to compromise on and things you won't. There is a lot to figure out before walking down the aisle. I think that is the biggest mistake made…people marry in the moment without taking a look at what 10yrs, 20yrs, 50yrs down the line will be like with that person. I took my vows seriously, unfortunately he didn't…but I do take responsibility for committing fully to someone who wasn't willing to do the same in return for me. Marriage is meant to be forever, so I plan on making sure the person I marry, and the reasons we get married, are ones that I can live with forever.
Holy hell this was long–sorry!
I hate to say this but some men love hors….. and as an older lady told me her husband stayed at the clubs with bar rats…. I'm just saying I bet your boy broke plenty of hearts for this chic the bible says a wise woman builds her home up but a foolish woman tears her home down with her bare hands…. Just because a woman is fine with a body to knock down 10 are she is a red bone or caramel or choc. that does not make for a wise mate. What is in her heart really, is her mind right? You can tell that by talking and listening to her or him… The friend fail for a trick of the devil sex, he got caught up in a deadly spider’s web and now is stuck for eternity unless he find inner strength to take his children and leave… I will pray for him. God bless good night……..
I meant to say whores not hors…. my bad and not all men so if the shoe don't fit don't try it on… good night!!!!!
i havent been in that situation, mine is sort of like the tables were turned but we werent married but talked about. im a female, my babys father was in the halfway house and he was just finished with a previous babymama who he was engaged to before he got locked up. when she had his baby, 3 months later she got pregnant with another mans baby. he was deeply hurt. but that wasnt the bad part. prior to all of that, he found out that she let some dudes run a train on her in his car. he was deeply hurt behing that too. weve been together since he was in the halfwayhouse and we ended up getting pregnant. i swear i beieved that this man was the man who i was going to marry. i also knew that because he didnt give himself time to heal with her before he jumped into a relationship with me, that he would be confused between 2 women, and i, the one he shared his dreams with and claimed he wanted me to be a part of. i held him down and did any and everything that a potential woman who wants to be a wife. because i knew that he didnt give himself enough time to have that closure with her, i always had to think with my head when my emotions had gotten in the way, and i held back for a reason that i knew of, and trying ti constantly convince myself that he wanted to be with me, along with his help. i baught him a phone when he had gotten out of jail and boy did i do wrong. he even used my phone to call her and talk about them. so 2 months after he got out of prison, he left my daughter and i, saying that he still loved her, despite of everything we wanted together, he left me for a woman who hurt him deeply. he said that he forgave her and theyre going to move forward. i understand that he forgave her, but an ex is an ex for a reason, especially if yall seperated on terms like that. i am terribly hurt. he opened me up, made me believe and love him, and had his child. he made me so many promises that he had broken. today, i dont believe a word he says even though it my sound good. what do i do?
Your friend is an idiot and I have no sympathy for him. He was fcking a hoe, did a dumb thing, got her pregnant and now is stuck with his stupid mistake. Can't be mad at the hoe for being who she always was. Did he think marriage was going to change her? He's a fool and deserves anything that comes his way as a result of his stupidty. Next time, he'll strap up. lol This grinds my gears because this is a perfect example of men marrying hoes and overlooking the decent chicks who want to get married and then have a family. No, they overlook the decent chick for the hoe and then when they knock the hoe up, they regret daily that they ever messed with the hoe! Men like that deserve hoes and the hoes they fck with deserve them! lmao