It should come as no surprise that I approach relationships with the same level of planning and forethought that I approach all the other areas of my life. Deciding we want to be in a romantic relationship, or deciding that we’ve found someone with whom we want to start a relationship are some of the more important decisions we ever endeavor to make. It is for that reason that I’m often surprised at how little actual planning folks put into their love life; how so many of us just expect things to fall into place. For some of us, it works, we meet someone, they seem cool, we date, fall in love and jump the broom. Others of us find ourselves traversing the dregs of singleness, hopping from semi-relationship to semi-relationship wondering why we can find a decent man or woman to settle on down with. In today’s post, I want to offer a slight alternative to the normal meet and greet style of finding a mate. It’s going to be a little interactive – meaning – I’m going to need your help on this one, so I hope you all are willing to play along and make this a fun and enlightening exercise.
In my experience, when folks are having trouble finding a relationship, it’s usually because they do not really know what they are looking for. When you don’t know what you’re looking for, it becomes impossible to communicate to the person you’re interested in exactly what you’re expecting from them, and more importantly, what you’re expecting from your next relationship. This leads to confusion which usually leads to hurt feelings. So, instead of just winging it like we usually do, lets try something different today. Let’s make a list. What I want you guys to do is stop reading right now and take a moment to think about the most important things you’re looking for in your ideal mate. You can be as superficial or as deep as you want. If you have salary or degree requirements, that’s fine, if you just want to address character issues, that’s fine too. No judgments here. Once you have a few items, I want you to then scroll down to the comments section and right down some of the stuff you came up with and then come back up and read the rest of the post (do your best to resist the urge to read everyone else’s list).
Got that part done? Great. Thanks for sharing.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way and spent sometime thinking about what we look for in our ideal person, I want you do me one more favor. Now that you have your ideal persons characteristics listed, I want you to really internalize them. Picture that person in your head, give them a name. I bet this person is pretty awesome right? Now, in your head, make another list. This time, list all of the characteristics you think the ideal person you’ve just created in your mind would look for in their ideal person. What would they jot down. What personal characteristics would they desire in a mate. How attractive do you think they’d expect their mate to be. If you gave them a salary requirement, would they expect their mate to also make a certain income. Now ask yourself… Am I that person? Do I have of the qualities my ideal mate would expect in their ideal mate.
If we do this exercise honestly, I think a great deal of us would find there’s a bit of a gap between what we’re expecting, who we are, and what our ideal person might be expecting. But this isn’t a bad thing if we use this information as a means of making ourselves better. We can use all of this to figure out whether or not we need to either change our expectations, or, change some things about ourselves. Go back and read your lists. Look at what you’ve written, is there anything you need to change about yourself, or about your expectations before you’re ready for your next relationship?
Were you eavesdropping on my prayers this morning, because I definitely took some time out today to pray about the woman I am and the woman I want to be for myself and my partner.
I've made this list a couple times, (at different points in my life) and each time (obviously) it gets a bit more refined, as I grow, mature, and as my understanding of relationships, wants and needs change. Good post. People need to start being realistic about who they are, what they need and want but also who they need to be in order to have successful relationships.
Wasn't eavesdropping but maybe a vessel? Glad the post touched something for you… keep pushing!
I've made this list in my head many times and found that the person I want is basically another me who can cook better and has male equipment. So did this exercise teach me that I need to spend some time improving my cooking so I can make this other me happy or does it mean maybe I should learn to cook better so I'm content with the me I have? Kinda kidding. Good post
I think if your two lists match up pretty well, then the best thing you can do is keep bettering yourself, and keep refining both lists till that person comes along.
I am working on my list now…
But what really got my co-sign is THAT 90% of people don't WRITE their goals down AND they are not taking a PROACTIVE approach towards the of the most important aspects of their lives… their S/Os
I think about love & women 80% of the time (when I am not thinking about S.EX & Money…) & I write daily scribblings about…
Another Home Run By The Almighty Most…
Great Post! As a now divorced woman I have made my list in the past, shared it with them and thought I married it! Well 5 years later he was far from what was on my list in the beginning. He was trying to portray and act like the man I was looking for but his true self was not even most of the basic personality and characteristics I had on my list. I have made a new list that best fits my needs now. I personally think this time around I will not be sharing my list… I will just check the items off as I go and if he doesn't fit it….well its on to the next one!
Glad you're down to make the list and you totally don't have to share it.
But don't forget to make the other list to make sure that who you are and who you'd like to attract are congruent.
In the past when I've made this list, I always note my ideas in my head. This time I wrote them down, and I found that my list was quite a bit shorter and also a lot more concrete. Some of the more frivolous items disappeared and I'm not sure if this is due to growth, or due to the fact that when things are written, they carry more weight.
1. I'm 5'3" so I don't like a man to be over 6" ( as crazy as that may sound
2. Mind you I'm 20, so I'm looking for someone who has goals and aspirations
3. Attends/attended some type of post-secondary education
4. Can challenge me intellectually, and teach me new things.
5. MUST BE DARKSKIN!!!! the darker the better.
6. Not overly possessive
". MUST BE DARKSKIN!!!! the darker the better."
This made me laugh. Dark skin just looks s.exier, don't it? I sometimes look at men and wonder what our kids would look like. I know that's vain but I can't help it. I think I would make nice lookin babies with a black skin man. lol <— yes that's ignorant.
"Dark skin just looks s.exier, don’t it?"
"I think I would make nice lookin babies with a black skin man."
Now you know we would be having a fit if one of the guys said the same about lighter complexioned women!
Ha! Yes, you're right. 🙂
just an observation but i would probably be 6 for 6 in that list.
Too bad you're 8 foot 17…she specifically said no one over 6 foot tall Yao Ming!
shhh. maybe she didn't notice how tall i was. dang star. lol
A few things I look for in a mate:
Intelligent (book and street smart)
Sense of humor
Romantic (not all the time)
A great cook
Since I'm "tall" my guy would have to at least be 5'10 and weigh about 180-200lbs.
Buff guys are great to look at but I would much rather him just be fit.
**Be my complement (most important)**
What ideal mate is looking for:
Everything above excluding the height and weight req. but I'm sure he wants his mate to be fit and healthy
I have a longer list at home but I'm at work so this will have to do. This post goes hand and hand with the post that Slim did about wanting something you're not. Which is exactly why I know my flaws and I'm definitely working on them. Since I was in a crazy relationship for almost 5 yrs, I know exactly what I'm looking for and I know what I need to work on. Before I use to say the general ish but now that I have experience I know what I have to offer and my worth. Although I'm just dating now, the next relationship I get into will only be with the guy that knows marriage is down the line.
Good post Most.
Great job Telly.
I think your list and your analysis of yourself against your list seems pretty accurate.
It's also great that you want your next relationship to at least have the potential to end in marriage. There's nothing wrong with knowing this and seeking out someone who has a similar outlook.
again… great stuff!
Now that I've actually finished reading this post, I can honestly say that I have tried to take a look at myself from another perspective. I am in a relationship right now, and I think that the relationship itself has helped me to evolve in many ways. That list that I just posted will probably change in the future depending on how my relationship works out, but I think that it is a realistic list for me, and I don't think it is very superficial or demanding for that matter.
Easy To Get Along With/Peaceful
Teacher/Student Ratio 20:80
That is Ms. Right Now… I could care less about Ms. Right… That actually takes some serious Psychological Integration On my part…
GOD bless you & your marriage Redlady…
& enjoy your morning…
"That is Ms. Right Now… I could care less about Ms. Right…"
I ain't even mad at you for this!!!! *giggle* *smh*
As you progress in life your needs/wants will change. You'll See 😉
Ummm… See… Ms. Right is what Eben Pagan calls
"The Total 10" (They do exist…)
Mr. Most would probably claim that his female friends fall into that category, but I doubt it…
Either way, I would have to go into Super Saiyan Adonis (in Maturity & growth & a human being) to attract & maintain that kind of woman (I'll wait until I am 24, 25)
I am very utilitarian with the women I want in my life… they add value to MY life & DEFINITELY vice versa…
And I put all my chubby lovers on some type of weight loss program… I am supportive like that…
Before this gets out of line, who are we to judge Adonis' list or any one one else's list? His preferences/standards do not make you sh*t. lol
Just keep that in mind.
WIS you're right, but the name of the blog is SINGLE BLACK MALE and then a brother is going to list his preference as:
I just say:
Tis all. And I'll say whatever I like dammit, if he put it out there it's out there for comment.
Fair enough BUT Single Black Males cant have those preferences? Because when I look out into society…………..
And while I think we can all agree Adonis tends to be on the fringes of extreme, if he or any dude came on here and said:
Women would be liking his comment up and down this website and trying to find his hometown so they could throw a tinker-tape parade in his honor. What I was saying was, simply because we don't agree with what another's preferences/standards are doesn't mean they need to be belittled. That's the equivalent of saying everyone's standard/preference that doesnt agree with mine is wrong.
*begins talking to self*
Man, there you go again being logical WIM. How crazy of you!
*retreats back into the wilderness*
True again WIM – I know when I'm being both mean and irrational and I do believe I'm being both in this instance.
HOWEVER, for some reason Adonis just brings that out in me and I find it difficult to censor myself.
Hope that helps. I too will retreat now.
I love me some Redlady… so she can RAIN on my parade anyday…
Thanks for the compliments…
And keep up those video blogs WIM…
Adonis, this is what you should have said,
"She could light, dark, skinny or fat. P*ssy is p*ssy, so yeah i'll hit that."
– Tony Yayo
Way more smoother and plausible deniability.
See, the issue here that MOST does all the work for me…
He is way more smoother than I can ever be #lies
I live part of my eLife vicariously through him… And enjoy it when women through the ePanties at him…
Basically, he makes it easier to be myself…
Most this is fun! I feel like I'm in class and you're the teacher.
Okay here's what I put on my list:
Now I'm going to read the rest of the post and find out why I just did that.
Just talked about this stuff last night.
Compatible Sense of Humor
If I can't crack the raunchy and sometimes offensive jokes I like to make, then I can't be myself. Nothing is worse than having to think before I speak even in the confines of my own home.
If I have issues or I'm feeling some type of way about what's going on in my life, I don't need to hear "man up" all the time, or have the conversation switched to how her day went or what Janessa did to her man. That sh*t is lame buckets. I need support, a rock, a back rub, a head massage (high or low), whatever.
This goes without saying. Otherwise there will be a lot of arguments and discussions about nonsense. I know everybody has their insecurities, but this is more so about confidence in themselves in terms of the relationship.
Suggestively shady women get crossed off the list quick.
Everything I ask for I can do the same.
I can't bring myself to a list. I know what I want at this juncture and it simply starts with the woman that has a vested interest of being my friend and I really mean a friend. I've tried relaxing a bit on certain things such as body weight, style, interests, but I've burned myself too many times trying to make accommodations for other's struggles. All I want is co-operation…that is all. Tired of the battle.
I would write this list if I wasn't already married…I still think I picked the right one tho.
4. Doesn't want kids.
6. Would be nice if we're on the same spiritual and economic level.
I do need to be more honest…I'm terrible at telling people sh** I think will hurt them. Everything else, I'm good. And more patience, for me. Damn. I'm in a relationship now, and that's what I know I need to work on.
I've actually done this. Read an article that suggested you write down 100 characteristics/qualities that you desire in a mate. I'm close to 100…but it's damn hard. The overarching message of the article was knowing what you desire in a mate…and also realizing that no one is the total package. If your mate meets 95 out of the 100 qualities…that aint' too bad (depending on if they're your non-negotiables).
Annnnywho…here are a few off the top of my head, in no particular order:
likes to travel and try new things
enjoys reading and learning
willing to compromise
taller than me
gets along with my family and friends
good communication skills
sense of humor
Values his word
Ability to check himself /self reflective
Emotional intelligence and openness
Intelligent /loves to learn / logical (no conspiracy theorists and bandwagon fanatics)
Compatible sense of humor
Taller than me with heels
Makes my salary or higher
Good hygiene and well kempt
No more than one child (I have none)
Stays in shape
Yes…I possess all of those qualities and more.
Raydiance: "Taller than me with heels…
Yes…I possess all of those qualities and more."
You're taller than you in heels? (just messin' with you)
Lists are good..just don't get bogged down in YOUR list..be able to revise your list if you have to….it's a good place to start.
Nice one MOST! 🙂
I agree…a list is nice but we need flexibility too. Because God knows we'll need it once we get into a relationship.
Hmm well let's see…… I am not actively looking for a mate right now, (divorce still pending) and I am LOVING singlehood right now but I will say this, now that I am older and wiser (tongue in cheek) I will be tweaking my list just a LiL bit when looking for a future mate. One of the things is Salary Range, this is no longer of importance to me — Now don't get me wrong he MUST be employed and self sufficient but he doesn't need to make 6 figures because at the end of the day if you're not happy his income is just a band-aid over deeper issues.
Another Killa Post!!!! Kudos
Sometimes self-reflection is the key and this is a great way to reflect on both who you are & what you want, but also how you to step your game up to get (and keep) what you want.
According to my list, it looks like I want to date me in a pair of pants.
Hmmm…my ideal man. Since looks attract and personality keeps, I'll start with looks then go into personality.
* Taller than 5'10". – I'm 5'6" and most of my heels are at least 4 inches. Don't judge me.
* Broad shoulders, muscular yet lean and nice legs
* All teeth, no caps
* No tattoos on the face
* No wandering eye
* Preferrably Black/Chocolatey but doesn't have to be
* Old fashioned
* Deep thinker
* Good conversationalist
* Challenges me, doesn't let me walk all over him
* Lays the pipe right
He should have some sort of career or goal. Make enough money to support himself.
Oooh okay. I think he would be looking for a woman who is attractive, smart, nice, nurturing, good career, good head on her shoulders, and strong. <—- Well lookee here, I'm all those things. lol
Seriously, you are right. It made me think of my flaws and what I need to change to better suit this type of man. Honestly, I think about it ALL of the time. I really want to be with a good man so I'm always thinking about what I've done wrong in past relationships and need to change: learning how to argue well and walking away without feeling attacked. I'm not happy right now so there's much to think about. I'm pretty aware of what I need to change and it isn't a difficult fix, it just takes discipline on my part. I can do it though. All other areas, I'm ready to be someone's wife.
Love the honesty in reexamining your list SFG.
Knowing how to argue is key. It's something I really had to work on with MrsMost. Honestly, it takes practice, which, if everything is going well, you won't get a lot of. The key is, when the moments do come up, you gotta be disciplined enough to keep it about the issue not about the person and not throw any low blows.
Yeah I'm kind of an OG when it comes to relationship practice but I hope marriage isn't that diff. I'm not the low blow, insult type. I'm the get mad, cry, then get mad while crying type. 🙂 My ex would always say "Pick an emotion and stick with it!"
When you said No wandering eye, I picture Deebo and was like Really SFG?
It's cause I don't want to constantly accuse him of looking at other women! *buh dum CHING*…okay bad joke. 🙂
I can honestly say I don't know what I want at this present moment. I'm fine with that. I can throw around a few ideas of what I want in a mate but I’m not really trying to spend the time cultivating this person. I do think this is a great idea when I do decide to start pursing any serious relationship… in the future.
Interested in a relationship
Intellegent (not necessarily degree'd)
Attractive (to me)
Thinks I'm attractive
Adventurous (likes to try new activities)
Believes in monogamy
Personality goes well with mine
Happy with life but not complacent
Generally good natured
Ok…. Now to read the rest
Here is my list, this sadly took me awhile to think of…
– At least 5'6"
– Nice teeth
– No kids
Ideal Man (or at least the prototype):
1. Bachelor's Degree at the least, bonus points if he's working on his Master's
2. If he's not Ghanaian, he has to respect my culture
3. Family man – someone who takes good care of his parents, siblings, etc.
4. Knowledgeable of what is going on in the world – I want someone I can talk to beyond what's on the radio
5. A great humor…someone who doesn't take himself too seriously. An all-around chill demeanor
6. He must be spontaneous in a good way. I love surprises.
7. Someone who is okay with the fact that I may or may not be making more money than him.
8. Faith in God
9. Chocolate skin – just my preference but this is not a deal breaker =P
10. He has to be willing to give me some sort of personal space. I don't want to be around my SO 24/7.
Mmk so now I'm back looking at this list. And I think I'm in a pretty good place :-). There are definitely things I can work on (I'm always running around doing one thing or another which tends to mess with my usually chill demeanor lol) but I also don't think I'm asking for a whole lot…maybe that's part of the problem.
This was a good first step though so thanks Most for a great post!!
*handclaps* This was a good one. A great reality check for some people… I mean there are some of us who have the right ideals and could be/already are what we think our ideal mate would want… then there are some that need to look at what we've chosen and decide if we are kidding ourselves.
I hope I have someone cancel today so that I can contribute to this convo, but yeah this is a good post. Though from what I've read I might be SOL with a lot of women since I'm light-skinned. Stop the #BeigeHate. lol
I have a pretty short list, though I'm not single and even when I was I wasn't unhappily so (ie. I wasn't looking… he kind of fell in my lap. Almost literally).
1. Makes me laugh every day
That's about it. I don't think I have to add things like "shouldn't be a criminal" on the list, as that goes without saying. My guy is all of the things on the list, and so am I, but we both need to get better on number 4, he professionally and me privately. Then we can stop slapping each other when the other one says something demeaning about themselves.
Interesting post MOST. Damn, that does rhyme. Anyway…
"This time, list all of the characteristics you think the ideal person you’ve just created in your mind would look for in their ideal person. What would they jot down. What personal characteristics would they desire in a mate. How attractive do you think they’d expect their mate to be. If you gave them a salary requirement, would they expect their mate to also make a certain income. Now ask yourself… Am I that person? Do I have of the qualities my ideal mate would expect in their ideal mate."
Great paragraph. And I might have to steal this "interactive" idea down the road. Straight jackin (pause).
My list is short and let me go find it from another post I wrote on here so I dont contradict myself…
1) Be attractive……
Then there’s an addendum of things that would be nice to have, like
1b) < 3 kids, preferably 0.
1c) see #1.
I guess this sums up as I can see myself happy with an attractive, intelligent woman, who doesn't have any kids that aren't mine.
Awesome post, Most. When I first read The Secret, when it was all the rage, I made a list. Thing is, at the time, I wasn't even sure if I wanted a relationship. Thus, I wasn't serious, or as serious as some of the fellas I met because there were things in my life I wanted to accomplish, and a relationship was not high on my list of priorities. Now, my new list would include…
*Emotionally supportive– If I'm feeling a certain away about my job, my activities, my family, don't tell me I'm being illogical, or question if I'm on my period. Support me the way I would support you when you're having a bad day.
*Dependable– Can I count on you when the chips are down?
*Good communication– Say what you mean, but most importantly, mean what you say, and stand by it.
*Athletic/health conscious– I understand you may love fried chicken, but understand, I'm not frying you any chicken. lol. Go for a run with me, a little P90x maybe, read food labels. I don't want to be an early widow, so being health conscious is important to me.
*Spiritually intelligent– Basically, I don't want to hear a darn thing about me not honoring the Sabbath if you attend church on the 1st day of the week. There's nothing wrong with being a thoughtful believer, regardless of what your religion. Your faith won't affect my faith. I'm in deep…
*Bachelor's and above.
*Well read, intelligent, adventurous.
*A boss in the streets, and a boss in the sheets. lol.
Forgot to add
*Funny and doesn't take hinself to seriously.
*Must love Family Guy!!
This is it……
2. 5'6-5'11 (I prefer em tall)
3. Great Smile is must
4. Intellectually stimulating
6. No kids (also has never been pregnant)
8. Sense of Humor
11. Kind hearted
13. Athletic (works out occasionally) lol
5'6" is tall? O_O
*does a jig to discover that I'm "tall"*
*realizes I'm really only 5'5" and cries quietly in the corner* Now, I'll never be a baller! No Marsha Brady.
good post man. if i were to list all the characteristics i would want in a woman they would include:
1. believe in a higher power. preferably she would be Christian.
2. be beautiful. to me at least. i understand that my tastes are not aligned with everyone else.
3. being an overall good person.
4. have a sense of humor.
5. be financially responsible.
6. be intelligent. intelligence is a turn on to me especially a woman with an expanded vocabulary.
7. have no children. i've tried to date women with children before and i'm good on ready made families.
8. be confident. there's nothing like a confident woman.
9. be ambitious.
10. likes children. i want to have some one day.
11. she has to like to workout. women who are in shape. >>>>>
i think that's about it.
alrighty my list…
devoted to our relationship (but not solely)
intelligent & able to hold a variable conversation (haven't decided if this exclusive to someone with at least a college education)
a good relationship with his family
well traveled- wanting to be well traveled
the ability to rear children
i'm sure there's more but this works for now.
great post. I def screwed up what my list should include as well but i def support being the woman your dream man should be looking for.
Excellent post. I seem to be taking something different from this then everyone else. To me others are focusing in their list but I'm focusing on the other list.
To me, it's showing how ridiculous lists can be if they are strictly followed. Basically, you don't match up with your ideal person's list so what are you going to do about it?
Ding Ding Ding!
What I'm trying to say is… both lists are important. It's important to know what you want of course. But it's equally important to think about whether or not you're meeting the expectations of the person you expect to be with. If you don't, then that should motivation to be better or, if you are your best, then maybe you might need to consider altering your expectations.
I'm def a fan of this exercise and being at a point where you can evaluate your life/ wants, and see if you are being that person you want to attract.
I do think its important (when looking at ur list) to separate and draw the line bt "preferable traits" and "must haves/ dealbreakers". And also draw the line bt superficiality and real life. I'm certain this can be done without lowering requirements or settling…. I do think compromising should not be thrown out of the equation. Its possible the man of your dreams can be in front of you but he may not be 6'5.
I agree! I think some of these request are crazy…people change over time and there is no saying that the superficial characteristics you liked in a person when you met them are going to be the same 10 years down the road or a person may loose their job and no longer has that high income you required when you met them. I think its important to know yourself, your needs and your deal breakers before you "require" anyone to be something in order for them to have a chance with you.
I'm gonna go ahead and take Adonis' list as serious as he takes it:
Easy To Get Along With/Peaceful
Teacher/Student Ratio 20:80
Sticking with just the must haves, what do you think someone who has the above qualities would be looking for in a man.
They'd probably also want high income. Do you have that?
Do you think you're easy to get along with… I mean… you seem to have a little trouble getting along with the women around here.
If you want a submissive woman, then you have to expect that she's looking for a leader. Are you ready to lead a woman? I remember us discussing this previously and you saying you don't really feel like you are.
And, if all of the above are true, do you really think she's going to accept a 20:80 student:teacher ratio?
I didn't think you would actually give me in any shine… But I keep underestimating you so FML…
I am A LITTLE offended that you think that I didn't take this list seriously… especially when I think about women ALOT and my relations with them….
I know my life world be better done and not said… But saying it makes it more interesting…
I don't have have be ANYTHING I demand of women… & I MEAN THAT… If spectacular as$holes can get it off… Then Adonis needs to make a few key adjustments…
So no, I don't have a high income…
And you are reading too much into my PUBLIC interactions with Black women on the net… I am more easygoing then I lead on…
Once BW get past the fact that most of them SUCK at being sexual partners & work from there (which they won't), then our relations over the net will be more harmonious…
As far as leading a woman, NO… I don't feel I am qualified nor ready… But I'll take a crack at it, and improve from there…
As far as the Teacher:Student ratio… I am pretty good at relationship framing… That is like the EASY part…
Leading & masculinity doesn't come natural to me, BUT Learning & Teaching DOES…
“A lie is an allurement, a fabrication that can be embellished into a fantasy. It can be clothed in the raiment of a mystic conception. Truth is cold, sober fact, not so comfortable to absorb. A lie is more palatable. The most detested person in the world is the one who always tells the truth, who never romances… I found it far more interesting and profitable to romance than to tell the truth.”
– Joseph Weil, aka ‘The Yellow Kid’
I aspire to romance life like you someday…
Respect is #1. I gotta respect my man. It's like WIM's "attractive" pretty much if you got my respect, most of the other things fall in place. There are men that I respect but couldn't date, but definitely no man that I don't respect that I could date.
~ loves/respects me
~ family oriented
~ willing to give me children
~ be an active father
~ respectable/trustworthy man
~ shared life goals
~ and he has to do "it" for me…so call that what you will… attractiveness, good friend, whatever…we have to have a good interpersonal relationship…I have to want to be with him for who he is…
I guess that's it…
And yeah, I possess those qualities. But if I didn't, that wouldn't stop me for asking for them. To be really real I hope that my man is a "better" person than I. I hope he pushes me to make me better. I hope he likes doing dishes (cause I LOATHE doing dishes). I hope we complement each other smashingly and that while I'm telling my girls how amazing he is and how I don't know how I got so blessed to be loved by this wonderful man, he's telling his boys
ok, his Mama..the same things about me. That when asked, he would tell you that he was the lucky one and that I push him to be a better man too.
I get the "be prepared to offer what you're asking for" mantra, but I buy into the 1+1=3 theory of relationships. What I can be as a wife, a partner, a mother is more powerful than what I can be as a single person. IMO. I'ma be fine alone. I'm still a whole person, but with the right man…that's where my stock soars.
I think this is all fine as long as you are complacent in who you are. Am I better because of my wife, of course. Is she better because of me – sure she is. But that's because we both entered the relationship at a point in our lives where we'd put in as much effort into being the best people we could be at the time we met.
If you're not doing that now, than the residual effects of that will permeate all the areas of your life. It's not just about bullet point items on a list, it's about recognizing where you fall short and having the will and desire to push to make those things better regardless of your relationship status.
As I mentioned in my post a couple weeks ago. Don't be fooled into thinking that the perfect relationship will change you. It won't. It will only expose you. So, if you're a person who's constantly striving to be the best you can be when you're single, then you'll find yourself pushing even harder to be better when you meet someone who inspires you. But if you're just one of those, I'm content just as I am type people who approaches self-improvement nonchalantly, chances are you'll end up with someone just like you. And there's nothing wrong with that, so long as you weren't expecting something else.
That was actually one of my favorite points in that post. I'm picking up what you're putting down.
Let me start by saying That I thoroughly enjoy this site. I have been reading a few months now and there have been times I was tempted to comment but didn't have the courage. The interactive nature of this article has given the push to come out and play.
Here is my wish list:
Belief in God
Physically attractive to me. (At least 6' tall preferably. Nice smile )
Forward thinking /desire to be better
Desire to be a protector and provider
Ability to use basic handheld tools (I heart a handy man)
Welcome to the mix. You should come out and play more often. I think you'll like it.
1. 5411, size 7 in girls, babyface, would look like she was 11 with curls
2. I need a chick that practice Tai Chi, That still can buy weed, And can give me some good head, And I'll make her remind me
3. I like a red bone, pretty feet, slim waist, cute face
4. I like a long haired thick red bone, open up her legs to filet mignon
5. Want a girl who don't need prada, she could be a damn reeboker, long as she freak proper, I'm only asking for Halle, Janet, Toni Braxton, come over show ya homie action, I want em now, I want em wild, I wanna bone they back in, I wanna whip, I wanna drop, I wanna chrome reaction
6. Kinda walk funny, stumble out the pad, snap of her finger n*ggas picking up her tab, walking through the mall, got me carrying her bags, I gotta pause cause the mutherfucker bad
7. She a real b*tch so she gotta stunt, she get her weave done at least five times a month, She don't call em purses, b*tch call 'em bags, I don't know the names I know they cost some stacks
8. She stays alone, never sheds a single tear, She stays in the coolest moods, clearly woman of the year
9. Look a hot girl is a silent h*e, If a b*tch get outta line she a violent h*e, Ain't no pest, far from being a whining h*e, She f*ck up, she confess, she ain't no lyin h*e, That's what I need, a hot girl is a jazzy b*tch, I'd take her any day for a classy b*tch
10. Well, for instance, I like 'em real young. Like, did you ever see Paulina in her first "Sports Illustrated" layout? Well, that face, but with better headlights. You know how hers have kind of dimmed lately? Heidi Klums beams would do. And her teeth. Or, ooh, that Britney Spears girl. She's got great knockers. But she's a tad muscular. Uh, actually, you know what? Her a*s would do, too, if she had a better grille. Like, uh, Michelle Pfeiffer back when she did "Grease 2". But she'd have to be a little smilier than Michelle. Kinda like Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, before she got Stamosed. But not as skinny. Someone a little meatier, like Heidi. But without the accent. You know those accents: yah-yah-yah-yah. They really get old fast. You know what I mean. Someone like that.
The person who names all ten of these sources is a G.
I liked it better when all we needed were extensions in our hair, bamboo earrings… at least two pair.
That won't cut it, Kema. You still needed a Fendi bad and a bad attitude.
Very creative. If I could list all 10 sources I wouldn't be ME!
2. Jay Z
4. Lil Wayne
9. Hot Boyz
thats all I got. lol
This made me chuckle.
Loved the "Shallow Hal" reference. #10
I've wanted to know this since the song came out…..what does "54 11 size 7 in girls" mean??
It's reference to the classic reebok sneakers chicks used to wear all the time. Every chick in the hood had a pair of 5411's.
Thanks!!! We never called those by the model number in DC, they were just high top reebox
3. lil Wayne
4. lil Wayne
6. Rick Ross
7. Rick Ross
9. Hot Boyz
10. Some lame…probably you?
I'm totally surprised that you listen to those artists. and enough that you would know their lyrics off the bat. lol
This has google written all over it lol
Two Rick Ross quotes and the Hot Boyz? No wonder I was drawing blanks.
yea, I was stumped on Ross ones too but I am quite fluent in all things hot boyz so that one came easy to me. lol I wanna say that was BG's verse
sense of humor
likes to try new things
passionate about something
attractive to me
informed on whats going on in the world
wants to have children and has similar beliefs on rearing them/religion
common sense/street sense–can't just be all books no life knowledge/skills
huge c*ck (juusssst kidding. lol)
the ying to my yang!
I wrote attractive twice. shouldve been attentive the first time 🙂
LMAO @ huge cock. mcsilly.
"huge c*ck (juusssst kidding. lol)"
lmao Now you know we don't joke about such serious things 🙂
Most I commend you for this post. I think once people make these lists, seeing the overall objective and what it's really about comes to light.
Whats funny is a lot of tjhese lists will morph and adapt, especially if you find someone whos a variant of the list, but if compatible with you all the same.
Great post, but I'm going to hold off on making these lists. I am young and honestly sure that I have no clue what I want. I cant say that I'd be what my ideal (whatever that is) man would want either. Maybe when I get past the confusion, adventure and hopeless romanticness that is my early 20's I'll make a list.
+ Slightly geeky
+ Dark sense of humour
+ Likes to watch coming to America*
I love lists, if only I ever stuck to them
I feel like I'm in a class! Lol
For the future Mr:
-passionate with everything in his life
-tall 5'10 or taller
-educated (wordly and institution)
-sense of humor
-domesticated (can cook, clean, wash dishes, make a bed properly<-trust you'd be surprise how many guys can't)
-challenging me to be better
Now that I have read the whole post, although I'm not unhappy being single, I totally appreciate this post. It has made me reevaluate myself and my list of expectations. I'm in transition with a lot of things in my life but I'm also 23. I think the next few years of my life will be critical to my future overall and if I want to find my lifetime partner as I continue to move forward three things on my list of wants stand out that I know I need to improve, luckily I'm already working on this. Thanks soooo much for this post again. I'll definitely be back here!
Ok, I just told a friend of mine I needed to plan my love life like I planned for my career, etc…and I just created a list last week, said a prayer, and now I'm in the self examination & implementation phase… at any rate, my list or part of it is as follows:
1) I must be physically attracted to him
2) my son must like him
3)desire a man of good character/ man of his word
4) share similar beliefs (God fearing for sure)
5) education is important
6) sense of humor is a must…(the list goes on)…
This was a great post wish I would have had time earlier in my day to truly participate on the discussion.
This post is so relevent to my life right now! I was just talking with my homegirl about our future boo lists the other day. Whereas she was more demanding about the traits her man should have, I'm more focused on what awesomeness I'd be bringing into the relationship. I figure that if I'm looking for a fine ass, smart ass, funny ass, successfull ass dude then I need to match him on some levels in order to gain and retain his attention. I never thought of making a list of requirements for myself from his point of view though.
Has an amazing smile
Different in their own way
Influences me to challenge myself
Spontaneous (in a GOOD way, lol)
What up people, this is my first comment. I've been lurking for the past two weeks or so. Great blog. FYI I am black, Nigerian to be exact, and a 21 yr old male
Heres my "ideal list"
She would be black with brown to caramel skin
Beautiful but more on the inside than the outside
She would like she could be from anywhere in the diaspora
a nice body & good hygiene & be very sexual but exclusive
Socially savvy/skilled at reading body language
Creative with a drive to be artistically unique/diverse
she would care about helping black people
accept my complexities/be proud to be with me
committed to growing with me
she would want to be a queen and create a dynasty with me
She would have to Love God
passionate about various topics/love to talk/debate
Together we would support each others dreams but be guiders before investors in each others dreams
She would understand that the world is plagued
She would understand that our world is what we make it
She would inspire me and further my belief that the people I know can change the world
She would make me feel the way my brother makes me feel
Share alot of traits that my sister does
I'd like to know what the women in my demographic would even consider a decent man. I've been out of the loop for so long (and I've watched my dating pool at the same time essentially go to shit since joining the military) that I'm wondering if I even have the qualities they're looking for anymore.
-relationship with God (non-negotiable)
-loves to try new things/places
– 5'10" + (negotiable)
-sense of humor
Pretty,long hair, ladylike, ambitioned, positive, supportive, slim, stylish, loving, and a good heart. Id prefer her to be a black woman, but wont skip pass a woman with many of the attributes if shes not.
Security, attractive in my eyes, down to earth, loves the lord and committed.
I think people make lists with all the best intentions but end up reenactinf the script which is the drama of their life . Most of the time the person on your list would have you on their list. I think falling in love just needs a lot
Of pheromones …. More than anything else. A list is better than trusting your gut instinct or kismet but the gut feeling is more romantic and irrational . The list is rational but it sometimes goes out the window first and at other times it clearly should have gone out .
Sometimes, you just need empathy to get over the minefield of people's expectations and you need a razor to cut through your tissue of expectation.
That free fall kind of love doesn't come from havin lists.
I'm a long time lurker (since the beginning of this blog!), but finally felt compelled to share today. My list:
– Kind Hearted
– Brainy/well educated (doesn't mean you need a PhD, just need to be smart and have intellectual curiosity)
– Likes to travel
– Wants to be in a committed relationship
– Sexy (to me, not in a general "looks like Idris Elba" way, just sexy to ME)
– Career minded enough that he works towards goals, but not a complete workaholic
That's really it. No one believes me when I say I'm not super picky, because apparently I'm conventionally attractive and nice enough that since I'm not married (at 35), I'm just being too picky. I dunno. I don't think that list is hard to achieve, I bring all that to the table myself.
Qualities I would want my ideal mate to have:
1. A relationship with God
2. Sense of humor
4. Intelligent (book and street smart)
Attractive to me
Masculine without a doubt, but subtle with it – not over bearing
Good father material
Loves a good cigar, and doesn’t mind me loving one as well
Interested in current affairs
Good sense of humor
Caring AND affectionate
Fun, likes to play
Good mother material
Easy going and drama free
Fun, likes to play
My husband has all of the above traits, except two: expressive and outgoing. He wasn't initially very expressive about the small stuff and he's still pretty reserved in crowds. I was flexible in those areas because he had everything else. I fell in love with his character and our chemistry. I don't think I was picky and neither was he. It's all about finding a person who's compatible with you and who doesn't sweat the small stuff.
good in bed
I’m 5 ft 8 so I like tall guys (Wink)
Great excercise…..you should be a relationship therapist like Steve Harvey…..*smile*
Seriously this was relly good.
I think the problem isn't so much that folks don't know what they want…I disagree on that….Many times people know what they want but they don't often get it to the letter because:
1. It's unreasonable
2. It's unrealistic
3. When it comes to what we want and desire in a mate many of us don't have half of the stuff on their list to meet the criteria of our ideal person.
I once had a guy friend ask me to describe my ideal man, "man of my dreams and fantasies" I immediately said Boris Kodjoe…I've loved Boris Kodjoe since I first saw him in underwear ads and on t.v.
Then my friend said to me "so you want Boris Kodjoe huh" "What makes you think you could ever pull him when you look nothing like Nicole Ari Parker". Now my pride was hurt but I thought to myself "he does make a valid point".
So I think it's more often than not we want the unattainable or we want pure perfection in our ideal potential mates, yet we ourselves aren't perfect…….
1. Crazy funny (I love to laugh)
3. Gentle soul
(I gave up the physical attributes list a long time ago. It makes no sense to picky when everyone's looks fade.)
"Do I have of the qualities my ideal mate would expect in their ideal mate?"
Hmmmm…I don't know. I am a shy quiet, type, so my list is based on balance. Since I am an introvert, I would need a gentle extrovert to pull me out of my shell and my soft nature would balance out his outgoing nature. (This is how it plays in my head.)
I've never asked myself this question. And maybe that's where I am getting stuck. Maybe funny extroverted men don't like quiet introverted women (that love to laugh).
Makes me feel important
She has to be nice (this is rare nowadays)
She has to represent me well (this can mean a myriad of things).
Same, or highly similar, faith foundations.
Good family relations.
She has to make me feel desired AND desirable.
Doesn't care what others think to a degree
Provider,educated, sense of humor, family and career oriented, wants children, communicative, open minded, likes to travel, honest, loyal, trustworthy, ambitious, intelligent, nice dresser, down to earth, articulate, my friends and family accept him and vice versa, god fearing/spiritual,
Healthy average body weight/type. (no abs) not thin, skinny nor fat or above.
Gentle face (masculine but not rugged or butch or angular or thin)
Slightly fuller lips
A belief that God exists
For interracial relationships
Within 7 years of my age but not younger
Caring/responsible/protective (in a oldest sibling kinda way)
Modest (in both achievements and material living)
Humble (someone who's learnt from hardships and values people over material gain)
Practises classical music (anything in the field)
Willing to be outwardly passionate/expressive/assertive/curious/patient with intimacy
Another person who seems to want a male version of themselves though I'm not Caucasian or over 5ft9" nor am I a graduate just yet. Realistically this list won't change unless I do and from what I can tell this is who I'll always be. We shall see.