Home Empowerment Why Money Is More Important Than Sex

Why Money Is More Important Than Sex

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Slim: What’s your approximate credit score?
Amber: Not to be rude, but that’s none of your business.
Slim: Damn, you got that much debt huh? Sallie Mae busting the windows out your car?
Amber: I didn’t say all that. It’s just something personal. Everybody don’t need to know my personal info.
Slim: Okay, well how do you typically budget money?
Amber: Really though? Why are we talking about this?
Slim: You’re right. My bad. What’s your favorite sex position?
Amber: From the back with my hands on the hotel room window on the 15th floor of the Ritz-Carlton.
Slim: Right. **Activates Droid teleport app and clicks Cole Haan heels**
Amber: Whatever. **Phones a broke negro to break her off while the night is still young and his account is still low.**

Some people guard their financial info as closely as they do their sex count. And as awkward as the conversation above may have been, it’s a shame that we don’t have them more often with people we’re interested in. I’m not saying you need to show up on date #1 with your W-2 and a copy of your Equifax, but somewhere along the way you need to be prepared to discuss financial habits and history. Oh yeah, if you don’t know what Equifax is then you should probably swallow some bleach and pop rocks.

In the grand scheme of sh*t that actually matters, financial history is a lot more important than sexual history (for the most part). No, I don’t wanna know how many men have worked your walls; but, I do wanna know how many times you’ve been sent to collections. I may be curious what that thang smell like, but I really wanna know what that spending looks like. Well, that’s if I’ve taken a liking to you and I’m trying to assess the likelihood of things working out in the long term. What’s the point of considering being in a relationship with someone if you don’t expect it to succeed? It’s a waste of time and mine is valuable.

See Also:  Get Your Hands Out Of My Pockets: The Debate On Borrowing Money In Relationships
Okay, now tell me how you gonna spend it.

A couple of weeks ago I had the opportunity to live-tweet a panel discussion put on by Together Apart that focused on how finances affect relationships. It was a room  full of about 100 people. Side note, panel discussions and forums are a great place to meet interesting and responsible people. To be in a room with 60+ women focused on non-golddiggerishly discussing finances and improving their own stability made my leg move. I have 3 legs. So yeah, if you’d really like to find like-minded folks then you need to hit up these events. And if you don’t meet someone of the opposite sex that you might like, at least you’ll walk out with a wealth of information and maybe some new connects who could introduce you to the type you seek. But getting back to the event, I was surprised at how many people were there to figure out how to have the money conversation. People stay moving in at 21 Front Street like it’s easy, but it’s not. A lot of attendees walked away with a new strategy and new mindset. It was great to see. Speaking of takeaways, I came away with a few platinum nuggets that I wanted to share with the SBM fam:

“Your Budget Truly Reflects Your Values” – Tiffany “The Budgetnista” Aliche (@TheBudgetnista)

You ever see someone pulling a $500/month car payment but they live in an underwhelming under-furnished studio unit with an air mattress on the floor? How about someone who borrows money from you and then will do dumb shit like tint their windows, buy rims, cop cases of Four Loko, or buy an iPad before they pay you back? They’re probably the same way with creditors. And lastly, if you’ve been in a distance relationship or friendship (we all have these), how about the person that doesn’t have money to come see you or support your event but has money to hit the club and upload the pics to Facebook every weekend? There’s a reason some people are ashamed to print out their bank statements and work with a financial counselor. The prettiest person can get ugly real fast.

See Also:  Another Year Goes By and I'm Feeling Fine

“If You’re Not Comfortable Talking Finances in Your Relationship, You’re Not Comfortable with the Person.” – I completely forgot who said this.

One of the things that really hampers our ability to have in-depth personal conversations is judgment and hypercriticism. Black folks tend to be some of the most judgmental out there. Actually, we’re the worst. If you’ve been with someone for months or years and still struggle to discuss money, someone doesn’t trust somebody. F*ck it, you don’t trust each other to handle giving or receiving the truth. The truth here is not an orgasm. And every day that you avoid the money conversation will be one more brick on the back of your relationship.

“Gentleness Is A Skill That All Women Need to Cultivate in Themselves. Some Don’t Have It.” -The Budgetnista

As much as some of you would like to throw this out as a bullsh*t excuse for why men don’t like to communicate certain feelings or thoughts, it’s true. See the previous quote, this right here has a lot to do with it whether it’s finances or other issues that may be running through his mind.

Men Need to Stop Balling Out on First Dates and Then Getting Economic Later.

Let’s just say that starting out at Exclusive Steakhouse for Date 1 and working back to Applebees on Date 3 is not what’s up. That’s like showing up in a Maserati looking like a shark on land for the first date then regressing to an Altima. I have an Altima. She will see that each and every time. Whoever I’m dating needs to be comfortable with my real lifestyle. Only thing I floss is my teeth.

“A Big Adjustment for This Generation Is the Fact That A Lot of Women Earn More Than Their Mates.” -Shawna Marie (@shawnamarieac)

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I actually expect my girl, booski, significant otheresque piece to make more money than me. I have an undergrad degree, she’ll probably have a master’s or professional degree. I pressed the reset button on my career progression and went back to entry-level so I could get into the field I wanted to get into. If she didn’t do grad school, she’ll probably be further along in her career. This doesn’t bother me at all.

Money issues are emotional, spiritual, and philosophical. You can’t separate them. You need to understand them.” -Shawna Marie

Basically, this sh*t is really important. Before trying to figure out when to play pokey, try figuring out when you plan to have that informal financial conversation. After all, if someone gets pregnant it’s gonna be an issue anyway. Talking about money doesn’t make you a gold digger. Getting dug out and not talking about it might make you a fool.

I’m Long.

Yeah, the post is getting long. There are a lot of other tidbits I wanted to share from the event, but I just don’t got the space. If you’d like to see some additional thoughts from the panel, let me know in the comments and I’ll share them on Facebook or in a follow-up post.

For today, what do you think of what’s been shared? Do you agree or disagree with any particular points? When do you think is the right time to talk about financial habits and the monies? Do you think it’s okay to ask someone their credit score before getting into a relationship with them? Do you have any other advice you’ve gotten or lessons learned? Anything else?

If you need your back blown out nightly as a requirement then I need you to have at least a 750 credit score,

P.S. If you’re in DC, several members of the SBM team (self included) will be there this weekend meeting readers and such. More to come. Pause.

Comment(129)

  1. I was at the event, I was the one who's about to move in with her mate and wanted some advice before doing so. I think this post is a great wrap up of the night.

    I was surprised it didn't come up about our values, how our culture (AA) doesn't allow for responsible spending (rims before college). It was touched upon, but not really delved into.

    "Death to the hook up" which I believe Ryan Mack said. I think there are a lot of people grinding away at their true passions, while juggling a 9 to 5, need to hear this more often.

    This post, whether intentionally or not, also stands true to the point made later that evening that we need to keep having this conversation.

    Love your writing, keep it up!

  2. I wish they held events like this here in the Milwaukee area or near by. But yes I agree 100%. Finances and how each person handles them is at the top of the list. A financial miss-match can cause all kinds of stress on a relationship or marriage.

    Looking forward to a follow up post!

    1. KeyiaB: "I wish they held events like this here in the Milwaukee area or near by."

      A fellow Milwaukeean on SBM.org? I thought I'd never see the day.

      They do have various financial workshops here. You have to kinda look around for them though. I went to one, but it was about ten years ago.

      1. LOL..yes I've been reading SBM & ThreeWays for a while now…I know there are many "events" here but most are not organized enough to facilitate the real conversations that need to be happening…so online I go for enlightenment lol

  3. “Your Budget Truly Reflects Your Values”

    This is true. It's easy to see where people's minds are at by observing their spending habits relative to their income. Of course, you won't always know the latter, but people easily betray themselves when they speak on the subject.

    "If you’ve been with someone for months or years and still struggle to discuss money, someone doesn’t trust somebody. F*ck it, you don’t trust each other to handle giving or receiving the truth. The truth here is not an orgasm. And every day that you avoid the money conversation will be one more brick on the back of your relationship."

    I think it's a matter of trust, but in a slightly different way. On a black/cultural discussion board that I frequent, a number of men are adamant that they would never share their income bracket with a partner until "I do"s have been exchanged, or they're close to that point. One of them is a friend of mine who earns a decent chunk as a Dosimetrist, and he doesn't even like disclosing his employment within the first couple of dates. It's partly due to privacy, but mostly so to an aversion to gold diggers – current or prospective. He doesn't feel the need to share any of that information, as it is supposedly none of her concern unless ever after is being [seriously] considered.

    "Men Need to Stop Balling Out on First Dates and Then Getting Economic Later."

    Also true. It's silly to set a standard that one cannot keep up. A lot of the time, a woman who is genuinely interested in knowing someone would settle for a first date at a coffee shop and work her way from there. In fact, one of my best guy friends believes that to be the only way. It makes a lot of sense, because it's a more relaxed environment and you have much less to lose, should things go south. Sometimes there is a lot of unnecessary pressure (and possibly later resentment) generated from overly lavish first dates. This doesn't work for everyone since some women are traditional in their expectations, but there's still no need to wild out at a $250+ establishment unless you're willing and/or able to keep it up. Think of it this way: you'd hate it if homegirl showed up to the first date on point & all decked out and then worked her way down to trackpants and general nonchalance, wouldn'tcha?

    "Basically, this shit is really important. Before trying to figure out when to play pokey, try figuring out when you plan to have that informal financial conversation. After all, if someone gets pregnant it’s gonna be an issue anyway. Talking about money doesn’t make you a gold digger. Getting dug out and not talking about it might make you a fool."

    This one will be the tricky part for a lot of people, especially in the instances when sex is engaged in relatively early. "What do you do?" is much easier to tackle than "What's your credit score?" or "How much do you make?". The more time you allow yourself to be fully comfortable and established with a person before alla that, though, the easier it'd be. I would think, anyway. In the past, I didn't really get into relationships thinking about all this stuff because only one person I dated wasn't a fellow student. I didn't even think about my own credit score, even though I've always been money-conscious. I'm working on theory, because I have yet to ask another human being what their credit score is. I'll divulge mine freely, though, but probably only because I'm proud of it.

    "When do you think is the right time to talk about financial habits and the monies? Do you think it’s okay to ask someone their credit score before getting into a relationship with them?

    I honestly don't know if there's a right time, per se. It should be ok to seek out that information before a relationship, but a lot of people are sensitive about it, whether theirs is good or bad. Actually, you know what? Scratch that. I just realized that people are probably more sensitive about how much they make than their credit score, provided the latter is within the Acceptable to Good range. I still don't know how I'd go about broaching the subject, though; it would really depend on the individual in question. It's wiser to bring it up prior to establishing a relationship, but in practice it would be easier to do so while one is already in progress.

    "If you need your back blown out nightly as a requirement then I need you to have at least a 750 credit score"

    Have your people get at my people and let's make us some little peoples. Wait…what's your credit score again?

    1. People are indeed a lot more sensitive about how much they make compared to their credit score. I'd never ask someone their salary information early in the game. Knowing what they do for work gives me a pretty good idea of what tax bracket they're playing in, but it says nothing about responsibility.

    2. As always, I agree with alot of your points. 🙂 I would side eye a man who asked me my credit score/income too early. There's alot of male gold diggers in these streets. lol Unless we're getting a place together or going for the long haul, that's nunya business lol. It is important though and does show the person's priorities. It's a good discussion to get to but at the right time as to not look bad. Don't listen to Slim, us below 750 people can toot our horns too. lol As long as you're above a 660, you're fine. The key is a good score and little debt. If the man has his head above water and a good handle on his bills, he's okay in my book.

  4. Was going to wait til tomorrow to comment BUT…

    "Men Need to Stop Balling Out on First Dates and Then Getting Economic Later.

    Let’s just say that starting out at Exclusive Steakhouse for Date 1 and working back to Applebees on Date 3 is not what’s up. "

    iDied.

    I actually just took a chick out to a steakhouse the other day so this was twice as funny. IDK how much money she makes but she works in oil so I'm pretty sure it's more than me. It'll be interesting to see how this unfolds.

    It's also funny because I was "dating" this one chick for a minute or two and she kept wanting to go out to the 'fancy' restaurants. After a while I cut my losses because I didnt feel like my investment was worth the payoff. In non-political correct terms, she wasnt cute enough to justify all those high priced dinners. Yeah, I said it.

    I'm pretty big on credit but thus far, I've only had to manage my own. I believe it's floating around 740 and I had someone open a loan in my name about a year ago so I had to learn more than I ever wanted to know about the credit card process in order to get it fixed at two of the three bureaus. For the record, it's a bitch and no one believes you. Innocent til proven guilty my ass. Ironically, the fact that I did have good credit helped a lot because it was clear I wouldnt randomly open up a loan and then not pay it when I had been timely on all my other payments in the past.

    Anyway, good post. I def agree money is not talked about enough by people in their relationships. This is a mistake I hope to avoid.

  5. Good Morning Slarack, I love that name…

    Wow… Great topic…

    First of all, thank you for reminding me that income is important how you spend it is EVEN more important… Thanks…

    “Your Budget Truly Reflects Your Values”

    True. When I review my spending habits. I am appalled by the mistakes I made… And my values are media (books, DVDs) & technology… I need to better…

    “If You’re Not Comfortable Talking Finances in Your Relationship, You’re Not Comfortable with the Person.”

    What a litmus test… although I have limited relationship experience, I have learned to be able to talking about every "taboo" topic… and IRL, I create an uncanny environment where people can share very intimate details… Getting into someone finances is easy, getting them to make better financial decisions (I think of Most's leading by example), entirely different matter…

    “Gentleness Is A Skill That All Women Need to Cultivate in Themselves. Some Don’t Have It.

    Co-sign…

    Men Need to Stop Balling Out on First Dates and Then Getting Economic Later.

    I think men need to stop spending ANY money or ANY date… especially if you GOT IT…

    Meeting up & not spending anything is fine, unless of course, she is coming to your house, you are cooking, and she is giving it up on the first night… Other than that, going to a park, hanging out at a library is FREE (in NYC at least…)

    After you know that you are gonna get the p*ssy & the relationship… Then GOD, spend money on her…

    And of course, if you want a relationship of frugality, then set that sh*t up from the beginning…

    “A Big Adjustment for This Generation Is the Fact That A Lot of Women Earn More Than Their Mates.”

    Personally, I have no problem with women making more money than me… I really don't care for that…

    I just want the RARE girl who can make money, make exceptional decisions with her money (especially if that is her strength), and still be a woman at the end of the day, especially if she expects me to lead… It just seems to me, that in order to get a leadership role with some women, you have to make more than them… That Is All

    “Money issues are emotional, spiritual, and philosophical. You can’t separate them. You need to understand them.”

    Obviously the women were droppin' knowledge all over the place… It is nice to hear that…

    1. "I just want the RARE girl who can make money, make exceptional decisions with her money (especially if that is her strength), and still be a woman at the end of the day, especially if she expects me to lead… It just seems to me, that in order to get a leadership role with some women, you have to make more than them… That Is All"

      This is an interesting point. Now we're getting into the concept of what the breadwinner is.

    2. You made a lot of great points in this. I think it is important to realize that you have to be a lady even if you are the "breadwinner". In my relationship, I might have been making more but he manages better and thus has a higher worth. This doesn't mean that I stand around telling him this. I just keep asking for advice. I'm not a 750 but I'm definitely trying to get there (with his advice from his 820 self!)

  6. veddy good post, mr. jackson.

    i think discussing finances when you start getting serious and maybe before in a more nonchalant way, is very important. i don't judge people based on credit score, because you never know someone's history and rhyme and reason, but i do judge on what they buy in relation to their income and priorities and how they are working to repair credit if it's not stellar. no savings but you buy a new 52 inch flat screen… i'm judging. lol.

    i've never understood the logic in taking a woman to a restaurant you cannot afford only to dial down to two for 20 at applebees. that's such a fail. i'd rather a man be creative than try to impress me with barely cooked beef anyhow. some of the best dates are the most inexpensive.

    “If You’re Not Comfortable Talking Finances in Your Relationship, You’re Not Comfortable with the Person.”

    this is thetruth.com. i have always wondered about couples who don't feel trusting or close enough to discuss the big issues that may not be the most comfortable to discuss. if i am in a relationship with you, it means i trust you completely to give or receive any information without judgment on either part. something is lacking if there is fear or hesitation or plain distrust when you think about your finances and your partner.

  7. I worked in banking for 2yrs and lemme tell you there’s nothing more disappointing than a good looking, well dressed guy with a bad banking history and credit score. If I had a dollar for every time I saw a good looking guy walking into the bank and praying he would come to me and be single and then finding that out his account is overdrawn by $100 (overdraft fee is a $30 each) because he went over his account limit by a dollar, my saving account would be looking pretty phat! And then having him be confused about why his account is overdrawn and asking me fact finding question (yes my job was to help but come on son really?!) about his own account use to drive me up the wall. And then having him turn around and ask for my phone number because I was so helpful (son you broke you can’t take me out to dinner until you pay the bank)…smh From my job experience I can tell from simple conversation I can tell how someone manages their account.

    Even though I’m under 25 and I’m an expect when it comes to saving because I have made some mistakes these are some tips I use and will use after college graduation to save and manage my money:

    If you have a problem saving money or can’t keep money in your savings account you should try this:

    1. Out of sight out of mind
    Open up a savings account with a different bank other than the bank you have your checking account with. Every pay period set up direct deposit to the new account (any amount even $5 can work). Make sure you do not have a check card and the new bank is not in walking or driving distance of your house/work. Once you do not have easy access to this new account it forces you spend within your means and only use that money for emergency purposes (sales items are not emergency).

    2. Building Banking Relations
    Build a relationship with your bank/teller/banker. Set down and have monthly account reviews try and find different ways to save money such as CD’S (certified deposits —plz google for explanation) but also once you have a relationship with your bank they are willing to reverse that one (god forbidden) overdraft fee because they know you personally. Find out about ways you could check you banking balance (online banking, text message alert etc.)

    3. Make sure you are in the right account
    Some bank accounts have limits and if you don’t reach the limit its more than likely you will be charged. Make sure you are not being charged banking fees (no need to be giving the bank YOUR! money for free).

    I know this is long and I have other tips but these are just some things that came to mind. Its 2011 there should be no reason why you don’t have a savings account and don’t know your FICO score (google definition) ladies and gents.

    Now only if I could find someone that knows how to balance a bank book and could blow my back out life would be easy  *kicksrock*

    1. I have a Savings account, but it usually goes something like this:

      Years 1-5 of undergrad: Tuition, rent, books & grocery money.

      The past year: Money to pay back my gov't loan from first year + to pay off upcoming tuition & transportation fees.

      My Savings account is really my Essentials account. Sometimes I'll deposit some extra for other activities, but I can't start really saving until the next round of schooling is done, hopefully within the next three years. In the meantime, I make sure that my Chequing stays nowhere near empty.

      Good advice, by the way.

    2. TKO-Curly: "And then having him be confused about why his account is overdrawn and asking me fact finding question (yes my job was to help but come on son really?!) about his own account use to drive me up the wall…Now only if I could find someone that knows how to balance a bank book and could blow my back out life would be easy *kicksrock*"

      I never understood this. How can anyone who graduated middle school not know how to balance a checking account? There's not even interest that accrues, all you need to know is addition and subtraction! Heaven help them if they ever get a credit card or mortgage.

      1. I actually don't think most people balance their checkbooks formally. I don't. I just keep a running mental tally and I know what's coming out of my checks and when. If I overdraw an account, it's because I did something really really really stupid when I was drunk that I'll have to go back to the club and dispute.

        1. I don't either, I just check my balance online every few days. I know what I get paid, I know what bills I need to get paid each month, and I know about what I can and can't spend.

          I check the account every few days to make sure there isn't any shenanigans going on, but it still comes down to basic addition and subtraction. You don't even need to know your time tables!

      2. Getting into Credit Card or mortgage talk is the equivalent to Basic Algebra if you can't add and subtract you shouldn't even try just give up now.

    3. this is a great comment TKO. as someone who worked at a bank for 3 years i can attest to this being spot-on as well. whew the stories i could tell about men and women and their banking habits. i used to look up men (i know it's wrong) whom i or my friends met out that we knew had an account with my bank just to see if they were responsible. men just lie lie lie about finances when they're trying to impress you. and i'm not even one to be impressed with wealth. and i know it's possible to have accounts at numerous banks, but if your acct has an average monthly balance of $100 and you have several overdraft charges accumulated over several months, i'm going to assume you don't have a huge swiss account hidden. just be honest. lol.

      that number one is huge. it's amazing how much you can save when you don't see it. i have an account with a credit union that i only use as a savings and it's so far that i never go, even when i find myself in need of money for some reason. i started with $20 a week and was amazed at how much was in there the last time i checked.

    4. I have a separate savings account with another bank and it has saved my life! My main savings account is really the 'essentials' account someone talked about earlier, but I don't touch the other account. I don't have a card for it or anything and every paycheck, some small percentage goes to the real savings account. I've had it for awhile so most days I don't even think about it. It's always a nice surprise to go in there and see the account build on itself. It'll come in handy when grad school comes around, as my father has made it perfectly clear that he wants no parts of that tuition bill.

    5. Great tips. I can remember when I started college my mother told me to beware using credit, but no one really taught me much about how it worked or could impact my credit score. I learned the hard way.

      But over the past 5 years, I have manage my credit wisely and it paid off in a big way. I think a lot of times living inside your means is misunderstood which leads to financial problems. It isn't just enough to be able to pay your bills each month but that is a great start. It is important to be able to miss a paycheck and not miss a beat, which is a much harder place to get to. But I am so glad I made it there because due to some bureaucratic nonsense my last check came up short, and thankfully I won't miss a bill and I am still able to live day to day without missing it…much.

      I am working on getting it corrected ASAP though, I want my $.

  8. Uhm…Lol at your third leg moving.

    I definitely agree that observing and discussing one’s spending habits is important in a relationship. I think it’s appropriate to discuss finances once the relationship has become official/exclusive. I observe a man’s spending habits while we’re dating. I like to see if he’s spending money because he has it or because he’s trying to impress me. I don’t ask details until we’re a couple. I actually don’t feel comfortable asking about a man’s finances while we’re dating because I want to get to know him. I’ll ask about his job/career and I’ll ask if he enjoys his job/career. I can gage his responsibilities and values, in regards to money, through basic conversation and observation. I budget my money well and I can really stretch a dollar to buy quality items. I can’t be with a man who doesn’t value money and treats it like a toy. Wasteful spenders piss me off, even within friendships, so I avoid these people to the best of my ability. Discussions about money should be open and embraced, especially since a person’s spending habits has the ability to improve for the better.

  9. ::Fraternal Plug::

    Ryan Mack is the truth when it comes to finances and is definitely a dedicated Brother who is eager to teach our community about Finances. I cop his book "Living In The Village" and I suggest everyone looking to get on the right track to pick it up!

    ::End Fraternal Plug"

    Finances are important, and as I look to continuously improve my shady past, it's important for more people to discuss and share information, especially if we are sharing saliva and other bodily fluids.

  10. Drink bleach and eat pop rocks!!! Lmbo! I need to remember that one. Be careful not to bring it up too soon because men are really sensitive about their ability to provide and if they think you're judging them based on their credit score they may get defensive. But once you start talking about it its important to be totally honest, not mean, honest.

  11. I have really never discussed finances with someone I was dating before..and to be honest, if a brotha came at me the way you did in that conversation…he would be put on ice….because I would immediately think a brotha must want me to sign for a loan or something…he's just trying to get at me financially…I would be suspicious…I find, that you usually can find out everything you NEED to know about someone during the dating process..if you are listening and very observant…..and typically, I don't look at a brotha's financial portfolio that hard….because I am not really thinking of him in terms of what he can help me acquire….the only reason someone needs to be asking me about my money..is if they are helping me to pay some of these bills…if not, then don't ask…now, if we are married it's another story altogether…but, if we are just dating…and not living together then it's none of your business….I have always been a very private person about my money and such….so, maybe, it's just me…but, I rarely discuss money with anyone…….

    1. This is the other side of the equation and I heard this perspective as well at the event being murmured in the background. I do think that asking someone their credit score, aggressive or not, can be a litmus test. I'm more concerned with people having some type of conversation while dating rather than no conversation at all.

      I intentionally didn't say which date or where we were. And regardless, I'd still be just as quick to use that app.lol

      1. I have found out credit scores and financial history from people..but, I didn't really have to come out and ask..it was through the course of different situations and conversations..and over the course of time…I mean if you are with someone almost everyday and really getting to know one another…all of this information will reveal itself….I just think, you should go that route as opposed to doing the Q&A thing……but like I still say, if you aren't living with this person and dealing with finances together…if you don't share a morgage, utilities..if all of your money is going towards your finances..and you aren't helping her pay any bills…why do you need to know? Somebody help me understand this…because I really don't see it…I have an open mind just answer me that one question…I mean I get it if you are doing those things…but, if you are not…that is where I am going to need you to help me understand this…..

        1. It's about the possibility of building a future together. I agree that it's probably better that it come out naturally over the course of time, as that's less likely to put the other partner on the defensive. The thing is, you don't get married and then discuss finances and sharing a mortgage. You have to know what you're getting yourself into, and it's probably good that you do even prior to an engagement. It doesn't hold the same importance for everyone, but credit scores will definitely affect your standard of living, and it's safer to know these things beforehand and decide whether or not you can handle each other's situation than to find out much later down the line when you're already in the deep end of things.

          Oi..gotta run.

  12. Good post Slimuel, I wish they had panels like that when I was younger, they could have really made a difference for me in terms of being responsible earlier and not playing around so much when I was in my 20's before I focused on a long term financial plan.

      1. Yes, same here Slim. You learned a lot of lesson though and that is what life is all about.

        They should teach real life money management classes in the schools. It is so sad that the things that you truly need to learn are not taught in the schools.

    1. I was just having a conversation with someone about women that don't mention or disclose that they have kids in any number or variety. I have thoughts on that, but that may be a post in itself. Bottom line, full disclosure.

      1. I think they are just following "dont ask… dont tell" Its a different story if you ask and she lies. Many men do the same and will not tell you until the question is asked.

        1. Nah, I lead off with the fact that I have kids…I always have…and I always probably will…because if you have a problem with me having kids…you can eliminate me right off jump..no problem.

      2. It happens a lot more than yall probably think and it's probably for the reason that Kema stated. I just feel like why would you not share your biggest life responsibility regardless of how it makes the other person react. They either accept it or they don't.

        1. They have bad priorities or may be deadbeats. I'm sorry but I go hard on the parenting thing. There's so much pride and honor in making a person and raising them well. I brag about my daughter to anyone who'll listen. I'm so proud. I cannot and will not get with anyone who hides their children.

        2. I have actually heard men complain that women want to talk about their kids too much. I think when women do not talk about their kids upfront they are just waiting for the right time to mention them.

          I'm not saying its right but by looking at many of the comments on this site a lot of men are not checking for women with kids so its basic strategy to not tell you until you have developed more interest.

          I do not have this problem on the other hand. I dont know if it is because of where I live but most of the men I meet have children also. So it never seems like a big deal.

    2. D Dragon: "Hey slim, how about if she wants to talk about material finance but wont discuss how many kids she has?"

      Get up from the table and walk away with no explanation.

    3. Children are a personal joy imo. The people closest to me know all about them, strangers on the other hand do not. It is not their business.

      I've met men who try to get close to me by lauding my parenting skills and my children will not be a tool for anyone to get in my good graces.

      Also, my children are the responsibility of myself and their father. If I'm just casually dating someone or getting to know them, it should not be that person's concern. If we are planning to become serious, then that's different.

  13. The financial conversation is not necessary unless we are contimplating marriage. I personally don't like it if I am asked about finances too early in the relationship. If we are not exclusive or ufckin on a regular basis why would I give you such personal information.

    As far as expensive first dates…..Guys do that to show a girl how much he likes her. It's not about flossing. I think this is a classic case of men and women seeing things different. The guy is just trying to show you that he thinks you are worth spending money on.

    I don't see anything wrong with a big first date. I don't think any women thinks it's gonna be four star restaurants all the time just cause your first date was. But I personally don't do it cause I want to know that a female knows how to act and dress etc. etc. before I take her somewhere where she might embarass me. Now if I know a female pretty well than I might do it.

    The bottom line is like that song "It aint trickin if you got it." A four star restaurant meal might be like Applebee's to some.

    1. "The guy is just trying to show you that he thinks you are worth spending money on."

      I agree. Men like to make a good first impression. Treating a woman big on the first date is a part of chivalry in my opinion. Not saying I expect it but I notice men are quick to do it. It's not bad in my opinion, as long as you can afford it.

    2. Appreciate the dissent here. I'm curious though. Would you discuss faith, life philosophy, etc. early on?

      Also, I just refuse to believe that doing it way big on date 1 doesn't set a standard. also don't think it qualifies as chivalry. I can see it in my head. A chick being like "remember our first date? yeah, how come we don't go out like that more often?"

      But you are right that if someone has the disposable income to do it, then it's not an issue. That's there normal standard of living and that's fine.

      1. "A chick being like “remember our first date? yeah, how come we don’t go out like that more often?”

        Drop her off on the corner if she says that Sir Slim…k!

  14. That intro had me chuckling. 

    "You ever see someone pulling a $500/month car payment but they live in an underwhelming under-furnished studio unit with an air mattress on the floor? "

    I was talking to a friend about this last night, well something similar. Having a nice savings and a good credit is VERY important to me and I don't know how it would work if I were to enter a relationship with a man that didn't feel the same way about this. We need to be able to talk about money freely and you need to have financial goals.  My parents got on that boat (actually a plane) to come to America so I can have a good life so homelessness, foreclosure or whatever is not an option. So if a guy can talk about all the ways we can fork but not about what his credit score is then chances are we are not going to make it.

    I'm not comfortable with talking about sex on the first date but if he brings it up then it shouldn't be a problem when I bring up money.

    Great post sir. 

    P.S.

    I'm interested in knowing what else was discussed at the panel.

  15. My credit score is 748 so looks like I'm off the list…oh no.

    Anywho, you know why I said I have a 748 credit score? Because I have a 748 credit score (which is good credit btw). The only people who will be willing to tell you their credit score are the ones who fall under great/excellent credit however most Americans don't fall under this category. Most fall under average, then good, then poor. The poor folks won't tell you any time of the year but to be honest, the good and average folks won't want to tell you either.

    Because…

    What if yours is higher? They don't want to be judged. Same thing goes for s.ex. If I say I've slept with 6 people (I haven't) that may be good in my eyes but it might be bad to you. It's all perception. So unless the number is 1 (excellent), I'm not saying anything.

    This is how most people think in my opinion. Divulging private info is a tricky thing because it leaves you open to judgement. I don't have a problem with being open (pause) but many do. Credit score is a great relationship question but NOT a dating question. That's just not something you ask until you and the person get serious or start thinking of doing business transactions together. (same goes for s.ex history: until you're doing the deed raw, no need to go there) And if you require your woman to have a score of 750 or higher, good luck. Just don't be mad if a woman requires the man's wang to be 10 inches or longer. lol Just sayin.

    1. The scenario was a bit of hyperbolic/satirical/something (I can't teleport). Fear of judgment is the thing that stops people from doing a lot of stuff in life. Totally agree with you on that. But I think of it this way, if it were common place for people to ask these questions and it not be considered uber personal, then people would probably think a bit more before they ODed their way into financial hell. It wasn't always easy for men and women to yap about warm boxing, but somewhere along the way it became cool. The came could happen with money talks…in a fairy tale world or different galaxy. The basic point is that we need to be having these conversations on some level whether inside or outside of a relationship. Like that last quote, money is emotional, spiritual, and philosophical. It ties into all that other stuff we were listing and talking about last week.

      1. If a stranger knew your credit score you would run to the police and tell them someone stole your identity. So why would I give that information to someone just because we might be ufcking. Knowing if yall break up it will be her pleasure to tell everyone your business.

      2. I knew you were joking, just messin with you but I did have a guy tell me that my score needs to be in the 8's. o_O Yeah, those perfectionist people are out there. I completely see your point though. I don't play when it comes to my money and credit. My thoughts are more with you but I'm trying to be realistic on what's out there. To me, even if credit scores were a part of convo, people would still have debt/credit issues. Not everyone finances rims, some people took up bad loans in college or maybe had a bad divorce/relation and left with loans they couldn't pay back. I don't know what led someone to get a poor score. If someone was the type to mis-manage their money, you'd know by dating them anyway. So to me, it doesn't matter how taboo or common topic something is. Life happens. That person with bad credit is going to lie like the person who's had a bad s.exual past.

        With all that said, you're right that we need to have these convos regardless. Everything else is important so why not credit scores? I cosign to the fif degree on that. I'm open about my finances so I would hope my future partner is as well.

  16. great post. to answer your question i wouldn't feel completely comfortable answering specific questions about finances like credit score, how much i have in savings, etc until i know we are definitely headed towards marriage.

    now if a woman wants to know my spending habits i have no problem telling her. i'm broke. *shrug* i'm a graduate student. i'm supposed to be broke. i don't have a job and i live off a stipend (a well paying stipend but a stipend regardless).

    if a woman doesn't like it she can bounce. what's more important is that i'm not very lavish when i comes to my money. i'm more frugal and thrifty when it comes to spending. even though my earning potential is high i understand in the end it doesn't matter how much you make but how much money you can save that's important.

  17. Great post Slim. 

    Being able to freely and openly discuss finances really says something about your relationship. Me and my ex shared our budget spreadsheets we created to see how we could help each other budget more effectively. I found his spreadsheet to be very very sexy. 🙂 

    We were also very verbal about periods of time when we are broke. Honestly. Communication is not just about how one is feeling but also maybe about financial struggles you may be going through. So many issues and frustrations pop out for no reason because you haven't let your SO know you're going through a rough patch. Just because I can't spontaneously jump on a flight to the islands with you doesn't mean I have bad credit. I just don't have the available cash or do not want to go into my savings. 

    Especially as a mom I have other priorities to think about. In a relationship I'm not only thinking about our financial future but the financial future of our family if we marry. With finances you always have to be forward thinking about things you want to do and accomplish in life, personally and as a family.

    1. "With finances you always have to be forward thinking about things you want to do and accomplish in life, personally and as a family."

      I AGREE!

      It's not all about money, but you do need money to live on this earth so yes it is very important. I need to know that I won't be in my 30s still living like a broke college student.

  18. this was a great post! I wish more people would realize how important it is to be financially savvy and fiscally responsible.

    I wasn't raised with any financial know-how so I'm pretty self taught–I've read a lot of books and I follow a few sites. I've never had bad credit but I've had debt that I worked hard to pay off and I'm proud of that. Still working on a few things now, but I'm way more confident with my current mind set regarding money.

    1. Hey girl!

      What sites do you follow? The ones I check out seem like they are telling me to do things that I already know about.. I need some more challenges/know how.

      I'm thinking about getting one more credit card… a secured one.

      Any opinions on that?

      1. Jac,

        I had this guy tell me to not worry about the credit card and to get a secured loan from your bank instead (with cash versus property).

        Let's say you already have $1,000 in savings. You can go to the bank and ask for a secured loan for $500. You WILL increase your credit score and the fees are much lower as well.

        1. YES! That's what I'm going to do with my credit union! This will be great.

          Thanks for the advice. I don't know that I want to buy a house to live in at this point, but I am interested in some rental property and a new car for my birthday (next year). Thanks for the advice!

  19. This is a great post.

    On the flip side, all men are generally aware that women want a guy to "impress" them. I've been out too many times with friends (who happen to be women) that always seem to have a "broke dude" story. At some point they'll end up saying, "I understand money is tight, but c'mon. $60+ is a typical date. At least be able to do that for the first couple of dates…" Some could say they're priorities are shot and others would agree with them for various reasons. But honestly, at that point I don't think finances are the issue. It's a man allowing the mentality/thoughts of women deter him from his norm for the sake not being seen as the "broke dude." Because honestly, some of the greatest people in our lives are extremely judgmental when it comes to the amount of money in a bank account or in the pocket.

    So the remedy is to simply not care. There are women on here saying paying more at first then getting "economical" isn't the move. Truthfully, either direction shouldn't matter because one would think that you're there for the person, not for what they spend AND regardless of the direction, it's an investment. Then some will say, "He'll invest more if he like her enough" and that's probably true but that doesn't imply that the guy that takes ol' girl to TGI Fridays don't like her as much. Honestly, sometimes I feel like wine and dine and sometimes I just want chicken tenders. Now, if I'm in charge of deciding where to go to eat, who knows what I'll choose. And that's just talking about dinner.

    I have a rule though. If I pay, then the lady handles the tip and I ALWAYS require the waiter/tress to be tipped.

    1. Yeah I don't think the amount of money you spend on a first date is always an indicator of how much you like someone. But sometimes a first date is special and a dude might want to spend a little more. I just don't think it's nothin wrong with that.

      Heck, a first date doesn't have to be at a restaurant to be expensive. Dave & Busters or Kings Dominion…..you could drop $200 easy. LOL

  20. I'm all for discussing finances. I refuse to be slaving away at my career only to get married and find out he's messing up my life plan. No bueno. Besides if you truly love your man and his crappy finances you'll put in work to help him be better so I see no point in avoiding the convo.

    Good post

    1. My parents gave me the same advice. My mom also told me to never share a bank account. Have one for household spending (if you want) and one for your individual spending or just split certain bills but do not share all of your money. I know people disagree with this in regards to marriage but it works for my parents.

      1. "I know people disagree with this in regards to marriage but it works for my parents."

        Who told you that?

        Mom's was right SFG. I have several gfs that have men in their lives that will spend spend spend and than turn around with a hand out. I say it all the time but men have really become the new gold diggers. Pimping has indeed become very easy!

        I'm like this: after we pay the bills, you have to set yourself up on an allowance. I will not be digging in my pockets all the time because a man chooses to be irresponsible. Was it necessary to but another Xbox game right now? Nope.

        Our money is our money, but the money I set aside and did not spend because I was disciplined does not become our money because he wasn't disciplined.

        When those emergencies happen, he should understand why you were so disciplined.

        1. "Our money is our money, but the money I set aside and did not spend because I was disciplined does not become our money because he wasn’t disciplined."

          This is my thinking too. I'm not high-maintenance but I do have certain wants that others consider needs. I work hard, I'm responsible so my lifestyle is okay in my book. That's why I have a bills acct and a play acct and I would never spend my future hubby's $ for my needs. I would have a sep acct for less arguments if anything. Bills get paid FIRST. It's all an understanding. As long as both of us have a savings for emergencies, we should be okay. Good comment!

    2. You know oddly enough, I always have been dismissive about my financial position (I'm cheap ass hell so its always good) but I like to delve into other people's. I guess its the miser in me trying to make sure spending habits and debt (and willingness to repay it) match up.

  21. Yes, finances can and will make or break a relationship–Great post Slim!

    I am all for discussing money habits early in the game if I consider you worth keeping. I have goals and if your habits clash with mine- no bueno! Not that I am against building together, more so against a man that is financially irresponsible.

    I have bills, children, and bills that have to be maintained. I can do that all on my own. I have to feel secure that my partner knows how to spend his money. I have seen too many silly people get big money and I saw those same people BLOW it within less than 6 months. It wasn't mine, so what could I do beside stand back, make a few suggestions, and watch it all play out?

    Wanna impress me? Show me that you know when, where and how to pay a light bill without the help of a woman. That is what turns me on.

    1. Sorry, my curiosity just got the best of me. Where are you located geographically that there is this over abundance of "gold-digging" men? And what are their age ranges? I swear I've never heard/seen of this phenomena before…. 0_o

      1. I currently live in Richmond…VA that is…

        These young guys around here are stuck in-between swagging and pimping.

        The girls made it like this because they are not only willing to share with 3 other women, but they will pay as well. They even had a news segment last year about how Richmond is not the best place to find a husband because of the odds here…and I see why.

        I am not from here, but in the under 30 crowd I see a lot of this going on. I smh at all this because it is sad that these girls finance bs on the daily…yet barely have a pot themselves.

        It is one thing to give your man a few bucks to stay afloat but it is a whole other issue when you give $ so that he can buy some Nike boots and your light bill is due. WTH?

        Of course this only applies to the little girls that allow this, because women like me don’t.play.that!

      2. @ Eddie

        Trust me when I tell you, there are a whole lot more women willing to finance a dude than you think sir. (some of them married)

        1. True! A lot of these (usually very attractive) women have been spending their early adulthood taking care of some dude and be buying him cars and whatnot. It's usually some relationship where she got in so deep that she starting taking on his debt for years. It's always sucks to hear b/c the entire time they say, "He would still mistreat me and cheat." All the women I know who went that route are scorned beyond recognition.

  22. "We were also very verbal about periods of time when we are broke."

    ___________________

    I love this. I have been with too many women that seem to be dillusional about their money. I've always felt like it doesn't matter if all your bills are paid if you have $10,000 on a credit card and makin no progress towards paying it off. That $10,000 may as well be $50,000 since that is what it will be by the time you pay it off. But I've known women with crazy credit card bills that act like it's nothing.

    1. "I’ve always felt like it doesn’t matter if all your bills are paid if you have $10,000 on a credit card and makin no progress towards paying it off. That $10,000 may as well be $50,000 since that is what it will be by the time you pay it off.

      Simply checking the "Like It" box wasn't good enough for this comment. $10,000 in credit card debt, especially with a 24.9% APR, is not the business.

      1. Preacch! Man anything over $500 on the credit card and I'm cryin. I got more respect than ever for my grandfather that always paid for his cars in cash. (Das hard to do these days.)

        If it is one thing I know Bible is right about it is debt. Dat ish is like high blood pressure. It kills you slowly.

        1. I truly wish I could get to the point I can pay for a car in cash. When the dealer asks about financing, just reply, I'll write you a check.

          What my parents told me (although they never did it) is when you pay off a car note, just keep paying yourself that same amount into a savings account. If you don't have enough money after three years to buy your next car outright, you at least have a monster down payment. Your payments should be around $100/month.

        2. Good idea. As much as I want to get another 15 to 20 years out of my car, it probably would be a good idea to start savin now so when it is time to change it won't be hard. But then again most of my extra dough goes to my house for repairs and ish.

        3. il Duce: "most of my extra dough goes to my house for repairs and ish."

          I remember my friend's words after I bought my house. "Goodbye disposible income!"

        4. Last year Refridgerator + Washing Machine

          The other day when we had a crazy storm, the [email protected] kitchen window starts leaking. Had me comin home from work like "Where the ufck is this water coming from?" Just what I need.

  23. Ok, it must be the moscato and chocolate that I'm having which are leading me to the following comment.

    *clears throat*

    I'm horrible about finances. My credit score is just a tad under 700 (thank you medical bills and student loans).

    So anyways, I work extra hard to insure that my ish isn't all raggedy. I try to bear in mind the society I can from and what the world expects from me. Here's something I've noticed… people who live in like the projects have better credit than everybody else… I don't get WHY or even HOW.

    Furthermore, I don't think my other half has a requirement about what my credit score should be. I have said that I have a savings goal of $5000 before I will be married. That's money that will NOT be touched or isn't earmarked but will just be sitting there. Out of curiosity has anyone had the discussion with their other half about what happens during certain milestones?

    For example, I was discussing what would happen when it was time for kids. I think there needs to be a whole year (or more) of my salary in the bank so that he won't have to struggle. I also want to be able to consult on the side while I'm at home. I think money and freedom is all on each of our viability and believing in what we're selling…

    1. "Out of curiosity has anyone had the discussion with their other half about what happens during certain milestones?"

      Hey Jac,

      Knowing that I will be off work for two months pretty much scared me into making sure we had at least three months of expenses stored away. I am a planner by nature and I don't like to borrow from people that have the same bills/money I have.

      It is of course safer to have this plan before making a baby, but even if you start saving once you know you are pregnant, that will be better than nothing. I just don't like surprises and that money ensures that even after maternity leave, we will be covered in case I can't return to work or something like that.

      I don't do credit cards like that; only in case of emergencies and to build credit. I don't rely on plastic to pay my monthly bills either because DUH—you are actually paying way more than you would if you pay cash.

    2. Jac: "I’m horrible about finances. My credit score is just a tad under 700 (thank you medical bills and student loans)."

      I don't think anyone would say a tad under 700 equals horrible about finances. If you are around 550, we can start talking horrible. You're in you're early 20's so you're doing all right.

      Beef Bacon: "Knowing that I will be off work for two months pretty much scared me into making sure we had at least three months of expenses stored away. I am a planner by nature and I don’t like to borrow from people that have the same bills/money I have."

      This comment is the business.

    3. First off, your score is not horrible. 6 or higher is enough to survive on and you are not alone at all. Alot of people struggle with student loans,etc and don't even get me started on medical bills. Medical debt is the #1 debt in this country so don't feel bad. If you don't have the money to pay your bill, just pay the principal if you can to avoid it hurting your credit until you can get the money…just don't default on your loan. You're good though.

      As far as savings, I keep 3 months salary in my savings acct at all times. If anything should happen where I can't work for a month or so, my bills will be covered. This would also cover any milestones like pregnancy. Either way, if you get pregnant, you have at least 9 months to save.

    4. Thanks for all the advice guys! I want to kill off those medical bills in the next year. I've been trying to see whether I want to settle them (about 3,000 if I catch the right time of year) of pay them off totally one by one. I get mixed reviews about what would make the greatest impact on my credit score. I just want all that to be squared away.

      Slim-Thanks for the inspiring Money Monday post 🙂

      1. It honestly depends. If it already hit collections you're probably better off trying to negotiate a low payoff. With anything else, it would depend on how many payments behind you were. Whatever you do DO NOT just let the debt sit there. Ignoring it doesn't make it invisible. Also, actually speak to your creditors. With the high number of defaults these days, if you're actually communicating with them and seem willing to pay they tend to cut you a little slack.

  24. Very interesting. Never been in a relationship that progressed to this point… I usually keep my hand close to my chest w/ this type of stuff but thats with friends/relatives. Mainly b/c I try to stay humble and I know many people aren't fortunate enough to be in the position that I am.

    In a relationship, I don't know how/when I'd get to this point b/c I never have but I'd like to think if we were serious and he asked, I'd like to think I'd tell. *shrugs* Only time will tell…

  25. Let me add that if someone has horrible credit, but are working towards paying those bills and repairing it, tht's just as important. Just because you have good credit doesnt always mean that you are fiscally responsible. Think fo the frugal people who never get CCs or rarely get a loan.

    Budgeting is important, so is saving. I have to get better at saving. I had charged off accounts also when I was liek 19. Got it fixed now my credit is high 600 or better (havent checked last time since like 09 when it was immacualte lol)

    Good post

    1. Actually never getting any cards or b orrowing money leaves you with NO credit, which for whatever reason is worse than actual bad credit. That's the part that got me. It wasn't that my credit was bad, I just didn't have any for a long time. Now I'm just what they call a credit deadbeat (never wait to get hit with finance charges).

      1. "which for whatever reason is worse than actual bad credit"

        It is only worse to creditors because they fear you are a potential risk because they can't determine HOW you pay your bills (on time or delinquent).

        IT is a slick way of making sure you have to at least use somebody's credit. That guarantees business for the creditors.

        1. Yeah. I know. It just always pisses me off that somebody with a clean slate is judged more harshly than another person who has been out here phucking up. I majored in finance so I've slick been doing little things to beef up the credit score without actually having to dig any holes. I'm one of those odd balls who has little risk aversion and a ton of debt aversion. It appears that without some kind of high dollar loan amount, I may well have maxed out my FICO for the time being.

  26. Finances are very important in a relationship. I wouldn't disclose any information to someone I'm casually dating with no expectations or even potential. I do find once in a relationship placing the focus on finances really helps. I know my ex and I set up some accounts and all that jazz. I knew a little about their debt and vice versa. I think it helps.

    Poor Amber…

  27. "A Big Adjustment for This Generation Is the Fact That A Lot of Women Earn More Than Their Mates.”

    How will this adjustment form itself in the area of women taking more responsibility in financing the foundation of a potential relationship???? (aka contributing more to the dating process than their presence.)

    1. I wish this question came earler in the day because it's a good one. You could also apply this to the whole breadwinner topic that Adonis scratched the surface of. I really don't have an answer to this though.

      1. All it does it even the playing field for men and women. Neither are above being breadwinners or homemakers.

        This recent evolution may or may not be good. Idk.

        I think it show outside of taking care of home…what else do you bring to the table.

        1. Yeah. I've always felt there needs to be some clarification of the meaning/purpose of the sentiment: "what else do you bring to the table." Do one present something at this table for the purpose of informing how we both benefit or just to say 'I'm worth your time"?

          Maybe that's another conversation for another time but I feel that in a committed relationship frankly, "If I eat, WE eat" idea must be active.

  28. Good post. But isn't a credit score a current assessment on how a person manages DEBT – That could leave a lot a grey areas. For example if a person was laid off from work, suffered from an illness, could play a part on their current money situation.

    I'd want to know how the person views money and what are their spending and saving habits are. AND how to approach those questions.

    1. You are right. These things could have impact. The important part is to just have a conversation. Credit score doesn't have to be the end all be all, but the things that go into it should be touched upon. I know what I'm saying may sound contrary to the scenario, but I'm just happy to see people thinking and talking about the topic.

    2. You make a great point. The situation I'm in now does NOT lend itself being financial fit and wealthy but I am doing EVERYTHING I can do to insure that my credit score doesn't suffer. My student loans are straight until June and my one little credit card is about $30 a month.

      The company told me they noticed that I've always paid it out. I'm grateful that I was able to show them that I am decent about getting stuff paid. I think that helps in the good will arena too.

    3. Also, I just had another thought…..Even IF you have the money, credit score and spending and saving habits talk, that is really no concrete indictation on how that person will handle money once in the relationship. I have not experienced it personally, but I have heard of some men and women being caught up in the triffle-ness of their spouses/significant others (ex. putting loans/cars in the other person's name without their knowledge) especially when the relationship has turned sour.

  29. Hello Slim!

    I've been waiting for a post to come around with a topic of interest to me. Hope that doesn't offend anyone but I've noticed that some of the posts seem to focus on what is wrong with men or wrong with women and I don't think that is really getting us anywhere. I concur on most of what you posted. Money is very important in a relationship. I also believe that you can tell a lot about people and their money just by paying attention to what they do and what they say. I think that debt is something that most people are going to have. I'm mostly interested in what type of debt they have and what they are doing about it. I must say, I have very little credit card debt but I got a ton of school loans which I'm paying on and maybe I'll be done someday.

    1. I feel like the lawd blessed me with very little loan debt from college. I'm still paying, but it's no where near the levels some people have. Then again, I'm sure that would change if I went to grad school.

  30. This was great. I am horrible with money. So bad in fact, that I worry about myself in the future, so its good to know that there are panel discussions out there for young black folks trying to get better. Typically I buy books and read them, and then go shopping. They're not helping lol… I may even be interested in organizing one in my area…

    One of the things I'm noticing is that money and finances are getting more important. I am blessed by nepotism. My credit score is 710, but that's because I had parents who paid for the bulk of my college tuition, bought me a vehicle in my name but with their wallets, and then I worked for a company that allowed me personal spending on my corporate card which was paid by them monthly, but also reported onto my credit.

    I tell that story though, to say, if you handed me 5 grand, I'd go shopping. I wouldn't save a dime. I blow money on the most useless, non fundamental crap and I need to and want to do better. Its a big reason I'm scared of marriage. I once had a partner convinced that if we married, I'd need an "allowance"…and while that was super cute, it really wasn't. Especially for a grown woman with children. Posts like this solidify the need for my growth, and definitely bring up super important points. Kudos, Slim!

  31. You guys have such interesting posts that when I start to reply, I soon notice I've written a novel about myself and my life that a) is too long for anyone to read and care about and b) reveals WAY too much about me and my life than I'd want strangers to know. Damn you internet. I'll try to keep it short this time (this is my third try):

    Me and my SO are polar opposites when it comes to money. I hate spending it, he doesn't think about it much. Like, he'll say he's broke (and mean it), yet go and buy weed or go to the movies twice a week, things you just don't need to do if you're actually broke. Whereas me, I've always been saving money, whenever I get whatever little amount of money I'll save some of it (literally, if I get $10 I'll save at least $2). So I just kind of didn't get it… until I heard his mom is pretty well-off, as in someone I would personally call rich. She makes more than my parents make combined, so I think the attitude comes from there. As in, if you don't have money right now, you'll have it soon, so no need to stress.

    We've been very open about our financial situations, and obviously with him still in school he's bound to be broke. I don't have a problem with it cause even though we live together, our finances are separate and we keep things equal (I pay for my own movie ticket ;)). I think if we don't have kids it's pretty much "whatever", cause honestly, with two adults who both have some kind of work, things are bound to work out. Or if they weren't I'd know it by now. If having kids starts entering our minds, then we need to have a VERY serious financial discussion… But we're not there yet.

      1. Hey, I almost divulged ALL details of my first time once. I ain't getting no avatar until I'm sure I can control myself! You never know when someone you know comes around these things and starts reading…

  32. Man, I wish I could've gotten here earlier today to really be a part of the discussion. I think there have been plenty good comments today, and the financial discussion was a nice change (not that I'm doggin' out the norm.) But I think SFG made an interesting statement about credit score being a great relationship question, but not a "dating question."

    I agree with this to an extent, but I think a better question is How should you handle finances once you're in a relationship with someone? Now a former classmate of mine and her husband have a great way that I admire and would like to emulate when I'm in a relationship (and yes, like mentioned earlier she does make significantly more than he does). But I wonder since financial stress is a HUGE burden on many relationships and marriages, what have y'all seen and/or done that works?

    1. Handling finances in the relationship was a bigger chunk of the discussion, but I didn't think most folks reading here would be able to identify. What system does your friend and his boo use?

  33. Been with my lady for a years and neither one of us know how much the other makes….

    all that i know is her credit is not the best but mine is on point.

  34. "Great post. to answer your question i wouldn’t feel completely comfortable answering specific questions about finances like credit score, how much i have in savings, etc until i know we are definitely headed towards marriage. now if a woman wants to know my spending habits i have no problem telling her. i’m broke.*shrug* i’m a graduate student. i’m supposed to be broke. i don’t have a job and i live off a stipend(a well paying stipend but a stipend regardless). if a woman doesn’t like it she can bounce. what’s more important is that i’m not very lavish when i comes to my money. i’m more frugal and thrifty when it comes to spending. even though my earning potential is high i understand in the end it doesn’t matter how much you make but how much money you can save that’s important."

    Bruh, i don't think I coulda said it better myself. Just jacked all my planned points for my response lol. *dap*

    I'm all about developing personal wealth down the line through good financial practices and applying lessons learned from past mistakes. If I'm gonna jump the broom, she must have similar goals or I won't bother. * read: chick better be about the correct priorities, otherwise keep it moving*.

    Excellent post sir. *tips cap*

    -GP

  35. I agree with the stop balling on the first date and then get economical thing. To tell the truth, whenever I go out with a girl for the first time I actually try to see if it will work out or not, you know what I'm saying. So we would do something simple but fun, like the good old movie. It's affordable then after that I can see whether or not to go on with her.

    Then the real wallet comes out! Lol, just kidding, but seriously

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