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Single Black Mail: Chasing relationships after relations

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We’re back with the latest installment of Single Black Mail! Check out the email from our latest brave reader and my response!

The Email

I was introduced to a guy by a mutual friend who thought we’d be perfect for each other.  Meets all my checklists.  32, single, no kids, owns a house, works as a Sheriff(when we met, now he’s an undercover narc!  Which alone makes me a lil weary, but willing to date), and fun to be around.  (when he’s rarely around*side eye*).  He’s just my type and I am into him.  But he’s not ready for a relationship.  So, of course, I said, “neither am I.”  Playing the “cool” chick (Thanks A LOT SBM!)  We went out to dinner and tx’ed around for a few months and then I put it out there, said I’m attracted to him psychically and basically told him I’m with the intimate relationship, no commitment (as he suggested).  We knew each other for a few months, so I thought it was safe to stop beating around the bush and say “I’m interested!” (i.e. I wana have sex with you and REALLY hope for more from you if I do).

Well, we did just that.  And I didn’t get a call the next day.  I got a text, but not a call.  Then my call wasn’t answered for two days.  And then he called back 2days later, came over, we got it in, and then, unavailable.  I enjoyed the sex.  But the next morning….not so much.  It didn’t feel good to be f**ked and then, well, ignored.  (Even if we are just having relations, we just had relations, pick the damn phone up!) I know he’s busy, hell so am I but I expect people in my life to return my calls, esp if we f’n!  Simply because I don’t ask of a lot of time because I don’t have a lot of time to give.

So, when he finally got around to returning my call, I calmly let him know that the intimate part was cool, but he’s no fun! He’s never available and I don’t feel I could just call and say “let’s hang out” or even a simple “hello” for that matter and he’d answer, let alone return my call.  I told him he’s a great guy, but may not be the great guy for me because he is just not available to date the way I want to date him.  I lost one.

See Also:  Why Didn't It Work Out? Was it Him or Me?

I feel if I would’ve went with the flow, I’d be forever and always, placed in the jump off category.  And since I really like him, I couldn’t live with that feeling, especially if I ever want him to look at me as anything more. When I told him how I felt, he said nothing.  He just listened. Shouldn’t that be my answer? Then why am I feeling like I said something too premature or shouldn’t have said anything and saw where things went? Shouldn’t a women set a precedence on how to be treated if a man is only going to treat you as you allow them?

I’m 27, single, no kids, own car, crib, etc, great career and I’m not getting any younger.  All I want is act right!  I’m not going to compromise my dignity for good sex.  Should I have just stayed because he’s a good catch and waited it out so see if he eventually gave me more attention?  I guess it all boils down what’s worse: “to say something and wish you hadn’t?  Or to not say something, and wish you did!”  So please, I need the straight no chase answer. HELP.

Sincerely, Confused and wanting more.

The Response

First of all, don’t Blame us for being “the cool chick” lol… We don’t force anyone to apply our musings to real life woman! Glad you paid attention though!

Should I have just stayed because he’s a good catch and waited it out so see if he eventually gave me more attention?

See Also:  Why Love Isn't the Ultimate Requirement for Marriage

I think that you answered this question throughout your message to me. Think about it:

1) I enjoyed the sex.  But the next morning….not so much.  It didn’t feel good to be f**ked and then, well, ignored.  (Even if we are just having relations, we just had relations, pick the damn phone up!)

2) I know he’s busy, hell so am I but I expect people in my life to return my calls, esp if we f’n!

3) I told him he’s a great guy, but may not be the great guy for me because he is just not available to date the way I want to date him.

and finally, the nail in the coffin:

I feel if I would’ve went with the flow, I’d be forever and always, placed in the jump off category.  And since I really like him, I couldn’t live with that feeling, especially if I ever want him to look at me as anything more. When I told him how I felt, he said nothing.  He just listened. Shouldn’t that be my answer?

I could’ve told you all of this, but you told it to me! You want it straight, with no chaser well here it is: You don’t need me to confirm what you already know. You told me! this dude either only saw you as a piece of ass, or had some type of significant other in his life (or other women) that he was hiding from you. That’s the ONLY reasons i could see why a man wouldn’t even answer a phone call, or hit you with a ‘respectable text” knowing he got your call and he will get back to you. The only time i might have dodged a call from a chick i just messed with would be because a) I thought she was crazy and i needed an escape or b) the s*x was horrible and I was done. Even then I wouldn’t blatantly ignore a woman. So maybe he’ an @sshole, or ALL OF THE ABOVE!

See Also:  Thirsty Thursday: Are You What You Drink?

At times, we don’t like to lose. We don’t like when situations fail to pan out, when we think that everything is right. The cold truth is that sometimes, this happens! Sometimes sh*t doesn’t work, and there won’t be closure. You just have to be mature enough to recognize it and move on.

Should I have just stayed because he’s a good catch and waited it out so see if he eventually gave me more attention?

How can a dude who won’t even return one phone call from you be a good catch? it takes more than a stat sheet full of positives to make a dude a ‘good catch” that’s why they play the games, because it doesn’t matter how good a team is on paper, that doesn’t mean they’ll still win. Look at the NCAA tournament and you’ll see what I mean.

You’re still young, you have the world ahead of you, and great stats. Work on you as a person and don’t mind those that don’t matter!

So, how was the advice? Should she try to pursue a relationship? What are the pros and cons of this situation? What would you tell her?

And as always, if you want your emails answered hit me directly [email protected] or any writers at [email protected]

The hit and run struggle is real,

 

 

 

Let’s say you’re going to be in Washington, DC this weekend;

Join the writers of SingleBlackMale.org for Brunch
Saturday, April 2nd from 11AM-3PM.

Beacon Bar & Grill
1615 Rhode Island Avenue NW, Washington D.C.
$19 Pre-Fixe includes three-course meal and unlimited mimosas and bloody mary’s
Please RSVP via the Facebook invite so that we may plan for your attendance

 

Comment(144)

  1. this is one of those letters that answers itself in the first paragraph.

    she KNEW she was gone catch feelings AHEAD of time.

    You walked right into the fire while drinking a bottle of lighter fluid.

  2. Between the two of you, it's all been said. Good advice.

    If I were around DC, I'd definitely show up. I've gotta find a way to get the entire SBM massive down to Toronto on the same weekend.

      1. Lol @ SBM & Streets. You already know that was my first thought. The last group I had come over felt a bit let down by some restrictions on the parade activities, though, so I wasn't trying to set anyone up. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. Alright y'all, let's do this! 'Bana '11, we dey!

        @ Max: I'm technically a Bramptonian, but I do terrorize the likes of Lincoln in Tdot every now & again. I didn't think you would be, but if you're ever interested in linking up, let me know.

        @ Slim: Y'all had better not play with me. I was going to plan a trip to Montreal around that time, but if you guys seriously consider coming down, I'll revise my plans.

        1. Yeah its a bit restrictive now, but I was out there dolo and had a blast.

          lets not even get the SBM caribana flex poppin… thats not my country dont wanna get in trouble lol

        2. Aw, shiiiiiiiiet…it's about to be on & poppin'! To be honest, I've never been a big fan of the Parade itself or the activities surrounding it. It's all about the people I'm with, so if we have a good group, good times will be had.

          Welp, lemme not get ahead of myself as I often do. Everyone interested (aside from Mlle Flyy who's already all 'bout it) can start thinking about the likelihood of them dropping by, and we can revisit the issue closer to the time. It'd be cool to see you guys.

  3. The guy told her what he wanted upfront so everything she's going through she brought upon herself. It happens but she needs to just move on.

    Like I've said before "just because he's a good guy it doesn't mean he's the guy for you"

    Good advice Streetz!

  4. "this is one of those letters that answers itself in the first paragraph.she KNEW she was gone catch feelings AHEAD of time.

    You walked right into the fire while drinking a bottle of lighter fluid."

    @DMario, I was thinking walked in the fire with a gasoline thong on. Stop thinking what I'm thinkin'!

    Streetz, this was right on the spot. You called it perfectly. The writer of this letter, Confused and wanting more, answered her own questions within her letter over and over again.

    I'd add, however, that while she sounds like a great person, there was an overall tone of thirst in her letter. I'm not trying to be overly critical either, but there were a couple things that stood out. The principle phrase for me was the tried and true: "I'm not getting any younger."

    You know, sometimes we want things so badly that we start to "find" them in places where they really aren't. In this case 'Confused' found a guy that had the right attributes (both physically and career-wise) she was looking for, but on at closer view turned out he didn't have the character she should have been paying attention to. And sadly, even when he's revealed himself to her, she's still trying to find something that isn't there. Now I can only speculate her need to try to justify this man, instead of keepin' it movin' (long time since her last relationship, a couple of her friends have recently gotten engaged, etc.) but I hope she doesn't let this turn her into the next Bitter Chick that calls all men dogs. It takes two to tango.

    1. Although I don't anymore bitter women… I kinda use to it now.. My thing is to reverse my jadedness & not be further infected…

      This post leads me to believe… Can most people go about relationships & sex in a disciplined manner… Considering all the pitfalls…

      I like to be the rare man that can, and help others get what they want… Kids or no kids…

      1. I'm going to step out on a limb here darlin… I think you can do these things in a respectable way.

        I'm going to comment below but I believe there are some men and women who are perfectly able to do this. This girl KNEW when she wrote in what all the answers were.

        In conclusion, I think as women we THINK we KNOW what we WANT but we really have no idea. Then we turn around and blame that on men!

    2. You know, sometimes we want things so badly that we start to “find” them in places where they really aren’t. In this case ‘Confused’ found a guy that had the right attributes (both physically and career-wise) she was looking for, but on at closer view turned out he didn’t have the character she should have been paying attention to. And sadly, even when he’s revealed himself to her, she’s still trying to find something that isn’t there.

      ^^^

      Twism you said it ALL here and that was my point!

  5. Sadly some women will always fall for the mouse trap… he didn't play her she totally played herself. Starting with lying about not wanting a relationship because she thought that's what he wanted to hear, which she was rite because all he wanted to do was beat. Then ending with wondering if she should have stuck it out smh

  6. I think THE BEST advice that I have taken away from SBM.org that the reader (who is obviously concerned about her biological clock/timeline) should apply in her life is: "If you want to find a respectable 'catch' STOP HAVING SEX"

    I cant remember who said it, maybe TMIMITW, but ever since I took that advice, I dont have this issues and I can see in the approach that men take me more seriously…I know it sounds un-do-able (made that up) But after 6 months it definitely gets easier!

    Good Response Streetz…sometimes as women, even though we know the answers just like the reader did, we tend to be hopeful creatures who look for a glimmer of opportunity

    1. I think that's one, albeit drastic, approach to the situation and could work. (Or dude can stick around and mess with chicks on the other side, till you come to your senses).

      Being upfront and honest with what you want and expect from the initial conversations is a better way of demonstrating these values.

    2. QueenBinthestreets… "I think THE BEST advice that I have taken away from SBM.org that the reader (who is obviously concerned about her biological clock/timeline) should apply in her life is: “If you want to find a respectable ‘catch’ STOP HAVING SEX”"

      I sure that was me, but my thoughts aren't exactly original, so someone else may have said it also.

      It is a key tactic if you are looking for something long-term. Men can have relationships easily, women can have $ex easily. The difficulty comes when a man just wants $ex or a woman wants a relationship. That's when you have to know the rules of the game; for women, that means stop giving men what they want so easily.

        1. Please do a post!

          Ive been noticing a trend in bloggers telling women its perfectly fine to become intimate early on and it will not affect a woman chances of a man considering them seriously.

          Of course there are some guys that will marry women that they had on the first date but I dont think thats the norm.

        2. Honestly, if a guy is into you and actually wants to be with you, waiting eight months isn't always the best of plans. If all he wants is some tail, he'll loiter to get it…and then bounce.

      1. Lol I couldn't remember who said it, but honestly I have applied this in my life (17 months strong next week!) And ever since then I'm not finding myself in played a** situations…yea I might go out on dates with men who disappear once they try to have sex and I don't let them but so be it…it just shows that he wasn't on the same page as me.

        Also I realize more and more that sex has become a commodity…I've just decided that I'm not willing to give myself physically to someone who isn't going to invest. That's just bad business 🙂

        1. (17 months strong next week!)

          CONGRATS Queen B!!

          It feels great to know what you want and act accordingly. Those dudes that disappeared were the ones you want to disappear. You are separating the wheat from chaff now….

          Stay positive and strong!

        2. QB (QUEENS!) I definitely respect the no s ex clause. I will say be wary of being a hobby chick (search the site, too lazy to link lol)

        3. @Beef Bacon thank you girl! I am trying hard! I have talked to a couple guys who have tried to 'attack' but Ive held strong

          @Streetz I searched on the net and could not find what a "hobby chick" is…please elaborate….matter of fact I CHALLENGE you to make it a topic

          (For some reason I cant reply to your post individually, I have to reply to my own??)

      1. Most women aren't going to take my advice anyway. There still will be plenty of c00ch to go around to make every bachelor happy!

        1. I think you said this before TMIMITW came along. I heard it actually come out of your mouth and I followed it. It seems to be working but after a year, I'm going to say it seems like I'm readyyyyy….

        2. Jac: "I’m going to say it seems like I’m readyyyyy…."

          After reading this, I got that Tevin Campbell song stuck in my head. I don't think that's a good thing…

        3. What the deuce?

          All the potty-language laced comments get through, and I have a comment in moderation?

      2. Come on now, honestly my comment was for women who are looking to build something longterm that isn't based upon s*x…there will still be plenty of walking women with bad judgment, daddy issues, and girls who aren't at the point in their lives to take life seriously. The worlds p ussy flow will not dry up on account of that advice you guys said it yourselves, men are opportunist so women who DON'T want to get stuck in Jumpoff category or FWB category need to stop giving men the opportunity to exploit their bodies

    3. "sometimes as women, even though we know the answers just like the reader did, we tend to be hopeful creatures who look for a glimmer of opportunity"

      In other words, some women want justification for going after someone they know damn well they shouldn't. They know how it's going to turn out, but are looking for someone to justify what they know deep down is a dumb decision. It's understandable, being that women are emotional creatures. Sometimes it's hard to turn off the heart, and turn on the brain.

      1. (Unfortunately) ….Exactly! I have done it myself..I've tried to talk girlfriends out of doing it BUT…we all still do it lol I think there comes a point in smart ppls lives where they wise up and decide to really analyze their behavior and stop trying to reason foolishly "If you always do what youk've always done you will always get the same results" something like that

  7. I have been lurking in the back ground for months. But today I will come out of the shadows because This letter really hit home!!! I can really relate her. Speaking from experience she saved herself a lot of trouble and heartache by moving on. Its evident that she was hoping for a change of heart on his part after putting it on him? Sadly enough that doesn't happen too often. Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free!!! It's definitely not easy but when people show you who they really are believe them!!!

  8. This girl went on a dinner date with dude and then they were texting for MONTHS…Sorry boo but he wasn't attracted to you physically. He probably didn't want to stop communcation b/c of the mutual friend, your nice demeanor and to keep an option backburner. But then she offered sex on a BBM platter so he smashed…duh men like vaginas. Also it sounds like she was more into his "type" than the actual man himself. This girl is especially special.

  9. This is one of those letters that reminds me of why they encouraged us to practice abstinence from middle school to high school. People, especially women, don't know how to separate sex and their emotions.

  10. Okay, I went back and re-read this about 3 times….this woman did all the wrong things…and she talks too much..she told him "she is attracted to him physically"…blah blah blah…then she told him "he's no fun…"she can't date him like she wants"…sigh…oh boy…why? I am still trying to figure out we he did that was so egregious..he called back 2 days after having s*x…he's an undercover narc….and they both agreed this would be a FWB…then she switches up on him….maybe, she's not the "good catch"…she's not honest..and she's playing stupid head games…say what you mean, and mean what you say…….that is why he didn't have anything to say when she switched up….he thought all this had been established already….this was all her doing..sorry.

    You did give her good advice…but, he kept it 100…she's the one that seems kinda off to me…I am detecting a bit of crazy…..I really don't see what he did that was so wrong based on what she said in the letter……

    1. oh yeah, i forgot that she said he was an undercover narc. idk if that's the truth or he said that to explain his absence and distance. but, if he really was undercover i'm glad this situation fizzled out. i could see her crazy behind getting him shot or something.

    2. I thought I was the only one that realize she wrote dude was apart of the Narcotics Division.

      If you have ever dealt with anyone (family, friends, one-nighters) that works in Law enforcement, it is pretty common for them to disappear for time to time, especially dudes who working undercover.

      Still sound like an A$$hole to me though..

    3. @Queen

      Agreed. I think he did what a guy would typically do. He wrote on the wall at the very beginning and it seems like she chose to power wash it off.

      When it comes to relationships, you can't make someone see you as anything more than what they want to see you as. I think this post today will do a lot of good and reinforce what Doc said toward the end of his last week.

    4. How is she crazy? I think she knows her mistakes. She obviously saw the signs but she justified them in hopes that he would change. ALOT of people do this. Hopefully she learned from her mistakes.

      He made a few himself. Whether you're having s.ex with or without strings, there's still common courtesy you give people who you are having relations with. Whether I'm sleeping with you or not, I expect you to return my calls. If a woman agrees to a no strings relations with a man, she doesn't expect him to treat her like sh*t….and if he does, that's HIS bad. Just because she's not your girlfriend, doesn't give you an excuse to dog her out. Her bad was not walking away at the first sign of it.

      1. It is pretty clear that both parties played this game. However, her playing got her hurt. He isn't writing letters to someone asking why she did this or that…she is.

        Therefore, the onus is on her to find out where SHE went wrong. Even if she knows, she isn't holding herself accountable and therefore she DID not learn from her mistakes YET.

        He probably isn't losing any sleep over this situation and could care less how is actions are taken. He does not owe her a return phone call. Isn't that the whole purpose of NOT committing in the first place? If a person is not ready to commit to you, they don't owe you ANYTHING. That's what some fail to realize. There are no common courtesies in those types of relationships. Everybody is getting what they want (selfish) and none of what they don't want (to feel obligated to return calls).

      2. "She obviously saw the signs but she justified them in hopes that he would change. ALOT of people do this."

        Not quite. A lot of WOMEN do this.

    5. I don't think she was crazy. I think she put all her money on the river and rolled a six, and is now confused as to why that didn't pan out (craps term for non gamblers). When you gamble, you have to think of the losses and wins. Its not only good that can come from a gamble. people lose homes, savings, everything over money gambling if they aren't stable and contained.

      Same with relationships too…

      If he's really a nARC, he shouldve told her he wouldnt be able to respond to her all the time. Miscommunication on both ends.

      1. She's grown and educated .. by saying he's a Narc shouldn't some things go without saying?

        Does everything need to be spelled out? written, signed and notarized?

        1. She’s grown and educated .. by saying he’s a Narc shouldn’t some things go without saying?Does everything need to be spelled out? written, signed and notarized?

          ^^

          For women, yes. *ducks*

      2. She’s grown and educated .. by saying he’s a Narc shouldn’t some things go without saying?

        Does everything need to be spelled out? written, signed and notarized?

        ^This! Pretty sure whenever Sonny and Rico went undercover on assignment they had to maintain their covers for days/weeks before making the final arrest.

  11. She's confused? Over what exactly? She should have left that dude alone from the beginning as he told her he was not interested in anything serious.

    Hopefully in the future, she will realize the role she played in her own misery in regards to this situation.

    The next time she meets a man, and he says "I am not looking for anything serious" — She will believe him and keep moving to find someone on the same page as herself….voila, self imposed crisis averted….

    1. Oh, yeah, and when a few weeks or a few months pass by and the dude calls her out of the blue, saying hey what's up stranger…RUN AWAY!…cause she's been down that road before….lol!

      live and learn.

  12. This is a classic of people trying to change what they can't. The already laid out parameters at the beginning of the relationship (is it even a relationship?), the gal plays along but bruised later coz of her ignorance. And the dude classicaly goes lyke 'why buy the cow when am getting the milk for free?'

  13. oh us women of unending hope. she went into that thinking she could change his mind. and that's an instant fail. she probably would've fared better not having sex with him. kind of sounds like she answered her questions several times over. i sympathize though. sometimes you just want what you want.

  14. Yeah, big whomp on her part!

    Great advise, Streetz.

    And, from what I gather 'round these parts, in terms of guidance from SBM, is this: women be cool NOT pretend to be cool. I think that was homegirl's biggest mistake. If you're not really cool with some shit be honest about your expectations and if they don't align with those of your, er, Mr. Right, handle that and move on.

    1. "If you’re not really cool with some shit be honest about your expectations and if they don’t align with those of your, er, Mr. Right, handle that and move on."

      Why is this so hard to do? Great comment!

  15. "Even if we are just having relations, we just had relations, pick the damn phone up!"

    The moment i read this i knew the dude in this story did himself a favour by expressly stating that he did NOT want a relationship. This the type woman who calls you on a daily with the 'What are you doing?' , 'Where you at?' type questions. What she tried to do was trap the po man by offering him the cooch in the hope that he would miraculously get hooked on her. She was never honest with him to begin with so yea… she set the pace her damn self!

  16. Oh, and you guys are going to be in my hometown having brunch this weekend…and I'm not..I can't tell you how disappointed I am….one day our schedules will link us up! Have fun…:-)

  17. SMH SMH SMH —You already had and know all the answers.

    If you are looking for a serious relationship and you meet a guy you like but he's not looking for a relationship….guess what?

    1. He's not offering what you want! He's not a bad guy cause he kept it real and told you what was up, up front. You could decide to get with the cutty program or keep just hanging sex-free, or keep it moving altogether.

    2. How you market yourself will determined how you are valued and used in the relationship. He actually wasn't lying to you..you were lying to him. Your words & actions said that you were down with the cutty program.

    Now he's supposed to get with your program? Youre gonna have sex with him and expect him to change his mind? …Um, why would he do that?

  18. Unfortunately this girl played herself from the beginning. If she wanted a relationship from him, the moment he said he wasn't looking for one, she should have cut her loses. By not doing so she just let herself get hurt. As women we really need to stop thinking that when a guy says he's not looking for a relationship we can change his mind by doing him.

    To me she seems like the type of person that needs validation in her decisions from other people. She already knew what she needed to do (she wrote it all in the letter), yet she needed Streez to tell her too. Maybe she just needs to work on trusting herself to make good decisions on her own or up her self esteem.

  19. Goodness gracious Lady!!

    "I’m 27, single, no kids, own car, crib, etc, great career and I’m not getting any younger. All I want is act right!"

    This attitude will have you chasing down and chasing away men. Calm down Ma. A good man will come your way. In the meantime, continue to develop that career, grow as a person. Make sure you can be of some value to Mr."act right" when he comes along.

    "Should I have just stayed because he’s a good catch and waited it out to see if he eventually gave me more attention?"

    *Giving you the V8 slap* Sister, why would you be hounding a man for attention like this. SBM, this lady seems to pay attention to you, so please write a post on how a man will make time for the woman he is interested in.

    "So please, I need the straight no chase answer. HELP."

    Stop hounding this man, please. He was 100% honest with you, you decided to proceed into something that was going nowhere from the start.

    Next time a man comes around, take it easy. If he states he does not want a relationship, decide to either make him a friend or just move along. If a man is interested in you, he will call you, text you, send smoke signals, anything to get your attention and let you know you are on his mind. He will definitely return your calls in a timely fashion and if work is really crazy for him, he will try his best to make you feel like a priority.

    I hope this experience has taught you some valuable lessons. I wish you better luck in the future.

  20. Commenting mobile so forgive any grammar mistakes. Good advice Streetz.

    I think something being lost here on the SBM massive (aka the women), might be the fact that sex will only complicate a relationship or lack there of, not make it easier. While WIM is always personally grateful for any vagina thrown his way, it is a poor strategy to think that doing so will change my emotions towards you one way or the other – and I think most men are the same. If we liked you before we'll like you after, if we didn't, we won't. If we like the sex, we will return for as long as its easy and work is minimal but this has little, if anything, to do with an emotional connection beyond the physical.

    I may be wrong…but I doubt it.

    1. I agree. I think the problem is we (women) need to understand men better. You all are different, made diff, think diff, and feel diff. We need to understand this to better us in finding what we want. I know you guys don't mix s.ex w/ emotion. Because I'm a woman w/ emotion…I do not introduce the s.ex until I see the right emotion from you. It's really that simple for me. I just empathize with this reader because her problem is common. Both women AND men do things regardless of our better judgement in hopes of gaining what we want. I cannot throw stones at her. She just needs to understand men better and learn from this.

  21. I don't see the confusion in her letter because she answered her own questions– NO ANSWER is THE ANSWER!!! Dude was upfront on all accounts but she did the typical "Yeah okay we'll see about that" in her head and failed miserably.

    He wasn't an azzcrack, etc. because he wasn't returning her calls, he was doing excactly what he set out to do (No strings attached chex) but she clearly was not because this isn't the role she wanted in the 1st place, she thought her poon had mind altering/changing effects. #Fail

  22. "You’re still young, you have the world ahead of you, and great stats. Work on you as a person and don’t mind those that don’t matter!"

    Damnit Streetz. Lol thank you. Almost felt like ince in my life i was ms. Confused and wanting more. But this advice made its way to me a whileee ago.

  23. "….and then I put it out there, said I’m attracted to him psychically and basically told him I’m with the intimate relationship, no commitment (as he suggested)."

    That's when she placed herself in the jump-off category.

    "Shouldn’t a women set a precedence on how to be treated if a man is only going to treat you as you allow them?"

    She set the precedence when she volunteered herself as a jump-off

    "All I want is act right!"

    How was he acting wrong? He conducted himself exactly as you would with a jump-off…..which may I repeat SHE volunteered her self as.

    "I’m not going to compromise my dignity for good sex."

    Well you already did when you offered up free ass with no form of commitment. Not to mention you said you "tx’ed around for a few months", which shows that this guy wasn't even seriously making an effort to talk to you before you tossed him some ass. But after all of that, NOW you want to talk about compromising dignity.

    ************************************************************

    Basically you should have rules for YOURSELF beforehand, regardless of the guy/situation. Your rules should be base on what you want to accomplish. You wanted more from this guy, but volunteered for less, NOW you're disappointed that you can't have more……and that he's treating you like a woman who volunteered for less. It's all on you babes.

    Better luck next time.

  24. No need to beat a dead horse. Streetz, the SBM massive, and the lady in the letter all wrote what needs to be said.

  25. She is a very smart woman and she just made the mistake of not getting from him what she wanted in terms of time and respect before she gave him what he wanted. This is a common mistake by both women and men. I doubt she will make that mistake again.

  26. Dude wanted to make shorty into his quick fix. He probably spends a lot of time working based on his job. And it's not really the type of job you can spend chatting on the phone all the time. Maybe you can get some texting, but you never are yapping on the phone.

    A few things at play here:

    "Good d*ck can do sh*t bad d*ck can't do" – I mean, either it was good and that's why she agreed to do the deed with no strings, but went crazy over it. Or it was bad, and that's why she wants to press the relationship instead of just taking the deed as given.

    "Our time together is our time together, so love Jay with your mind and not your heart." – I always encourage shorties to make sure they keep their head in the game until the turn card is flipped. Women have this bad habit of meeting a guy and moving forward ot thinking about being in a relationship or marrying a guy. Most men have the bad habit of "seeing where sh*t go" and then ending up in an awkward situation because we never really dealt with what our goals were before. If she had used her head, she probably would have been able to deal with the situation. She's single, dude would come through break her off, not bug her and she could do what she had to do. If she found somebody new … hey NSA, they have no ties.

    Thus, in the words of the Dr. J:

    "some of y'all lying like sh*t"

    Mad people keep those fixes around. I know women who do this on the reg. They focused on other areas of their life or don't want a relationship, so they keep d*ck on retainer.

    PS – I think submissions need to come with a pic. Or at least a doppelganger.

  27. I actually think shorty had a legitimate shot at a long term relationship with dude and messed it up herself. If dude is like me, he probably categorizes his women. When you're not interested in a long term relationship, any woman you meet is a potential friend with benefits. If they're down, and you're down it's all gravy. But sometimes, you'll meet a woman who you're really attracted to, who isn't interested in anything less than a real relationship. Those women get put into a whole other box than the ones who are down for FWB type situations. Those women you keep on hold and when do find yourself ready to settle down, you usually call them and not the FWB's.

    Had shorty been patient, not let the relationship devolve into an FWB situation and just allowed it to run it's natural course, things may have been different.

    Women need to learn to compartmentalize their men. If you're the type of woman who's looking for a long term relationship, but is also incapable of waiting till then for some good love making – do what we do… find a jump off who only wants to please you. Make sure it's someone you could never see yourself forming any sort of real attachment too and you two can just use each other till you find what you're really looking for. That way, when you meet a guy that you really do like, as shorty did in the email above, you're not hungry in the supermarket.

    1. "Women need to learn to compartmentalize their men. If you’re the type of woman who’s looking for a long term relationship, but is also incapable of waiting till then for some good love making – do what we do… find a jump off who only wants to please you. Make sure it’s someone you could never see yourself forming any sort of real attachment too and you two can just use each other till you find what you’re really looking for. That way, when you meet a guy that you really do like, as shorty did in the email above, you’re not hungry in the supermarket."

      Kinda shocked you are offering this advice to the females BUT I totally get it.

      I would like to add….. In doing this, please know that Honesty Isn't Always the Best Policy in this case — Ladies keep this to yourself Don't Tell Anybody.

      1. "I would like to add….. In doing this, please know that Honesty Isn’t Always the Best Policy in this case — Ladies keep this to yourself Don’t Tell Anybody."

        You really think guys don't think that every chick we me already has some d*ck somewhere? That's part of the biggest reason why men are into courtship/putting in work. We KNOW…….partly because many of us have been banging a chick while she tells us about some simp taking her on dates.

        1. *correction*

          "That’s part of the biggest reason why men AREN'T into courtship/putting in work. "

      2. This has to be the worst advice ever. Your body is your temple and you should show it respect. Save yourself for that someone special. Using your body as such puts you in harms way for various STD's no matter how careful you are. Condoms break believe it or not. Any relations with such a agreement are going to have other people sexually involved even if they tell each other the are monogamous. Let's keep it real. We are too old to be acting like dumb teenagers. That is why they are the fastest growing group of the population with AIDS.

    2. "Make sure it’s someone you could never see yourself forming any sort of real attachment too and you two can just use each other till you find what you’re really looking for."

      Bad advice Most! You setting more women to be baby momma’s and jump-offs. When you are first venturing out into the world, this MAY be the thing to do until you learn better, but not a life plan.

      Stop having sex PERIOD. So much responsibility comes with it. Women should really pay attention to how WE are viewed when we give up the booty, simply read the comments. Sometimes a woman wins, but most lose and lose big.

      Read Queen Afua ladies. Every time you give yourself to a man sexually, he leaves a piece of his essence with you. So it’s no wonder why there are a lot of stuck crazy women out there. It also takes a lot of cleansing and time to get dude off you mind and out of your body.

      Sex is spiritual, mental and emotional…yet we keep only focusing on the physical.

      1. "Every time you give yourself to a man sexually, he leaves a piece of his essence with you. So it’s no wonder why there are a lot of stuck crazy women out there. It also takes a lot of cleansing and time to get dude off you mind and out of your body.

        Sex is spiritual, mental and emotional…yet we keep only focusing on the physical."

        Say it again!

        Great comment..I will definitely have to look her up!

    3. "but is also incapable of waiting till then for some good love making – do what we do… find a jump off who only wants to please you. Make sure it’s someone you could never see yourself forming any sort of real attachment too and you two can just use each other till you find what you’re really looking for. "

      And how will this factor into dating? What man in his right mind will court/date/put in work to get with a woman who he KNOWS is getting d*cked down by someone else?

      How can a woman expect a man to court her while she's getting it in elsewhere?

      1. "And how will this factor into dating? What man in his right mind will court/date/put in work to get with a woman who he KNOWS is getting d*cked down by someone else?"

        Wait!!! Huh, I'm confused now Unless this is a different Rick who responded to my comment saying…

        “I would like to add….. In doing this, please know that Honesty Isn’t Always the Best Policy in this case — Ladies keep this to yourself Don’t Tell Anybody.”

        Rick: You really think guys don’t think that every chick we me already has some d*ck somewhere? That’s part of the biggest reason why men are into courtship/putting in work. We KNOW…….partly because many of us have been banging a chick while she tells us about some simp taking her on dates.

        Now you're saying the above. *scratcheshead*

        1. *mistake*

          The sentence should've been "That’s part of the biggest reason why men aren't into courtship/putting in work. "

          It was too late to change it afterwards.

    4. LMAO @ "you’re not hungry in the supermarket."

      I see what you did there.

      By the way, this is great advice but I dont know if women can proactively separate their emotions like men can.

    5. I agree with Most and think this is sound advice.

      I don't believe that you must abstain from sex in order to get into serious relationships. I think when you are comfortable and have established what you are and where you both are heading, it's cool to get intimate.

      BUT, when you go to a grocery store hungry, you'll take anything off the shelf. If youre a horny toad…you won't date with a sound mind. If you can, this is a good method until you become serious with a guy.

      I'm not saying to toss your oochie all over town. And, be honest with yourself …if you cant compartmentalize guys into "uckable" vs. "datable," don't do it this.

      Don't do it with some guy that you already like or that you could see yourself seriously dating (that doesn't mean he has to be some scum bag…he could be good on paper…it could just be that he's not relationship material based on what you are looking for in a relationship).

      And, always protect yourself.

      1. I'll always advise women to stop having sex if they are having trouble finding a real relationship. It's not the solution to all your relationship problems, but it'll damn sure solve most of them, and will definitely help you find the clarity of mind you need to solve the rest of them. I think I'm going to do a post on this in the coming weeks.

        Now, some women are just not capable of abstaining. It's just not something they will ever be able to do. For those women my point is, don't sleep with the guy who you actually might have a chance at building something lasting with. It'll just throw the balance of the relationship off. If you gotta have it, find someone to give it to you (safely, with all sorts of protection of course) and just use that for what it's worth. Not sure what kinda sleeze buckets Rick thinks i'm encouraging you to be with, but, of course, safety is always paramount.

        This is how most men treat their love lives. If we really like a woman, we won't sleep with her because we want to make it work. Now, just because we're not sleeping with that woman doesn't mean we're not getting any at all.

  28. This letter irritated the blue f-ck out of me. I'm very glad that some of the replies touched on sex, or the complications that ensue because of it…but let's skip the damn pleasantries and get real…frankly I'm sick and tired of women like this. If you walk into Popeye's talking yourself into chicken, order and pay for that good yard bird, sit in your car and eat the spicy deliciousness…don't get mad because the whole time you had a taste for a burger, b-tch!

    This woman did nothing but play herself and waste good vagina mileage in the meantime. And at 27…you need that odometer to read a decent number if you insist upon some "act right" in your life. "Hope for Change" duped a nation into believing that right now gas prices wouldn't be astronomical and we wouldn't STILL be fighting other nations wars…how did we let this fantasy mantra creep into our relationship ethics? We cannot continue to allow ourselves to believe that "f-cking on faith" works.

    I'm mostly wondering why this great revelation came to her after the sex… She made mention of being seen as a "jump off" if she continued sleeping with him…ummm no statute of limitations on the # of times intercourse occurred to be rendered a jump off, dear. If he ever speaks of you to his boys, you're still a JUMP OFF. Yall smanged, then you got butt-hurt b/c you didn't have magicvag, then you smanged again with crossed fingers on some "this time I'm gonna get 'em"….and then took some kind of moral stance…? I almost feel bad for dude for only getting to smash twice.

    Just kidding. Seriously though, we gotta do better.

    1. "don't get mad because the whole time you had a taste for a burger, b-tch! "

      I almost choked on my oatmeal reading this….iCant.

    2. YoungestMILF: "This woman did nothing but play herself and waste good vagina mileage in the meantime…We cannot continue to allow ourselves to believe that “f-cking on faith” works."

      I have to add the terms "vagina mileage" and "f-cking on faith" into the Hugh Jazz vernacular.

    3. LLS @ If you walk into Popeye’s talking yourself into chicken, order and pay for that good yard bird, sit in your car and eat the spicy deliciousness…don’t get mad because the whole time you had a taste for a burger, b-tch!

    4. *shouts*

      You better preach. I almost feel bad for dude too. He had a good thing going on (apparently she did too) and it all got ruined because she couldn't keep her emotions together.

      Ladies need to quit pretending they got platinum and diamonds dripping out of the p*ssy. I promise for every kegel you doing another chick is doing ten. If he wants you, he wants you.

    5. YoungestMILF just went in with this comment. I'm about to add this to the vault of fire that has been spoketh. I will also be adding a couple of terms to my dictionary to use away from the computer so that my friends don't know I jacked them from elsewhere.lol

  29. Streetz I commend you for taking time to respond to her. I wish her well. You were dead on with the advice you gave her. I hope the lesson she takes with her is to listen to her common wisdom or imagine it was her friend she was advising and then take it. Peace

  30. Sadly, this is a typical story for many women.

    As most have already stated, she knew the answers to her own questions. She just wants to hear someone say…'well maybe he's just too busy', or ‘he is into you girl he just scared of commitment'. She wants someone to tell her she did the right thing and that eventually things will work out. No one will tell her those things because they would be ALL lies.

    She's 27, she getting to the age range where every dude will matter because she's probably ready to settle down; but desperation is coloring her vision.

    Now would be a great time for her to stop pretending for men and go after what she really wants. That might mean some lonely nights and days, but in the end, it will save her at least a broken heart.

    This is off topic but can relate to any situation really…

    The rules The Creator put here were for a reason. We as humans think that the rules are here to keep us from having 'fun'. However, as we all plainly see, those rules protect us from ourselves. When we go against those rules…bad things happen. If she wants act right, she herself has to ACT and DO RIGHT. Right would be to wait on a man to commit to her.

    It's silly to wonder why things aren't working out for you when you are doing things He advised us NOT to do.

    I can never say this enough because I feel as if people REALLY don't understand this. It's really that simple.

  31. *slow clap*

    Looks like there's some good comments this morning… I saw someone say that she messed it up on her own and I think I agree. She almost seems bi-polar or schizophrenic… like wherever the voices push her she goes and does that. It also seems like she may have been switching it up to try to gain his approval. Even she's got her ish together on paper being mental like that is a huge con. He could hardly get to know her on any front because she kept trying to change who she was or what she wanted.

    I also think it's wise for her to remember the following two things:

    1) HE that findeth…. a WIFE…-You're already one. You don't become one; those characteristics must already exist. If you're being all neurotic, how can he trust you?

    2) SLOW down… and be STEADY

    Good day ladies and gents…

  32. This is all the woman's fault. He told her from the door that he wasn't all that interested in her enough to be in a relationship. She told him that she didn't want to either — even though she really did. So who's the one playing head games here? Why do women think they can change a man? Just because he appears to have his stuff together does not mean that you should be together! SMH… She wasted all that time on a dude that didn't want her anyway. She could have spent that time on a man that does want her!

  33. yeah i got nothing for her. she's just looking for an excuse to why she should have kept seeing dude. after the 2nd time of him hitting it and getting ghost she knew what the deal was.

    "….it all boils down what’s worse: “to say something and wish you hadn’t? Or to not say something, and wish you did!”…"

    this line reminds me of the lupe's words i never said track off of lasers

    its so loud inside my head

    with words that i shouldn't say

    as i drown in my regrets

    i can't back the words i never said.

  34. Men and women are different when it comes to sex and forming emotional attachments. I don't care what people say. Even if a women really enjoys sex it is still very difficult to just get up, walk away and move on…Men are able to do this more easily. I think that is the way that we (men and women) are wired – for good and for bad. Alicia Keyes said it best…it's a lesson learned. I've been there and done that.

    My only suggestion would be that she move on and stop torturing herself with all of the What Ifs. Also, women should stop trying to figure out how they can alter themselves to catch a man. Invest in yourself, pursue your goals, build supportive relationships and be open to future possibilities.

    I just heard Marie Osmond say on Oprah that you marry to the level of your self esteem. This post wasn't initially about marriage, however, if you are looking for a long-term committment we have to keep this in mind.

  35. Yea… I think I'mma go w/ the massive on this one.

    I recently just learned to stop leaving the door to my emotions open for men who say similar BUT w/ an added twist, "I'm not looking for a relationship BUT if something good comes along I'm on it/I'll take it/I'm not gonna let it leave, etc."

    I'mma put my experience out here to help someone else… IGNORE EVERYTHING AFTER THAT BUT. I think that BUT gives a lot of women hope. Trust me when I say if you are looking for that good long term and he starts the statement like so… the only but that's gonna be given is yours to him. Keep it moving…

  36. I'm honestly not quite sure why she even wrote this email. Off the break she set herself up! One thing I've learned is that men say what they mean, but if you ignore it they'll let you. If a man says, "I don't want to be in a relationship", and you do…there is no, "well I'mma just wait around and see"…smh HE DOESN'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP AND HES NOT CHANGING HIS MIND JUST CUZ U ACTING LIKE HE DIDNT SAY IT…so what?! She thought she was gonna sex him, and then things would change? Im tryna figure out how many times they went out…was it literally 1 dinner, and then just texts til the sex? Did he give her ANY inclination that something more would pop off?? Had he been ignoring her BEFORE the sex? Furthermore…SHE was the one that offered up the twat to HIM, right? Most men would have BEEN tried to get the cheeks! Had he attempted and she denied, then finally hit him one day to comply w/his previous requests (for sex)?? I need to read this a few more times lol

    Sincerely, Confused and wanting TO KNOW more!

  37. Laugh at this scenario only because it's one I've find chicks placing themselves in time and time again. "Just be upfront and honest" they say…okay…that's done. Then after the panties drop they give you the "reassessing our relationship" speech. Relationship? We had relations but by no means did we seal the deal on anything.

    If you're not built for it, keep the cookie to yourself until you've secured the type of "security" you all claim you want. This victimhood after the fact is getting old…

  38. "it doesn’t matter how good a team is on paper, that doesn’t mean they’ll still win."

    Genius analogy when it comes to dating.

    Internally, I always question the "good on paper" folks. You're 33, educated, handsome but no woman and kids? WHY? I automatically think something must be wrong with them. That's not good but my point is never look at the resume alone.

    I like this letter because THIS is the most common thing I see right now. I don't think she's wrong. She compromised her better judgement and took a chance on this guy, ALOT of women do this so I hope she doesn't get judged too harshly. The best thing she could have done, she did…which was letting him know how she really felt. Now she just needs to walk away. Sometimes people (read men) say that she knew better so she deserved to get played or she accepted the role as side piece so she needs to shut up and stick with it. That's so unrealistic.

    We wouldn't get half the things we have in life if we didn't take a gamble or put faith in situations. Granted, you have to see the signs and be smart. Don't invest anything in someone who is clearly saying they're not worth investing in. Not picking up the phone is a major sign…but my point is, with all that said, not all situations are black and white. Sometimes we see the bad but there's a whole lot of good so we take a chance. That's normal. All you have to do is speak up when you feel differently. Maybe he wants more too? You'll never know if you don't say anything. OR if you really want a relationship, don't compromise on that.

    I think people play these games because they're afraid. They're afraid to allow themselves to fall for others or be vulnerable. It's a weakness in my eyes. There's nothing wrong with her as long as she's learned from this. To me, there's something wrong with him. Just take the lesson girl and keep it pushing. Don't let the next guy pay for this. Just open your eyes alittle wider next time.

    1. "We wouldn’t get half the things we have in life if we didn’t take a gamble or put faith in situations"

      Your body/mind/soul should not be gambled with.

      "I think people play these games because they’re afraid. They’re afraid to allow themselves to fall for others or be vulnerable. It’s a weakness in my eyes. "

      Dude was clearly not afraid. He just didn't want a relationship with her after further consideration. That is the biggest excuse women tell themselves after they get hurt—'oh, he's afraid'. Afraid of what? Her? That's even worse!

      It is great to optimistic about life, but it is simply foolish to not listen to your intuition. All the vibes he gave off let her know exactly where this was going, yet she leaped head first into it.

      "Sometimes people (read men) say that she knew better so she deserved to get played or she accepted the role as side piece so she needs to shut up and stick with it. That’s so unrealistic. "

      How is that unrealistic SFG? He wasn't acting as a man that was truly interested in her, she threw herself at him…she SO deserved it because he didn't lie to her or persuade her to do anything. She volunteered. He may not have acted in her best interest but he acted very realistic.

      1. FTR, I'm not a woman who uses my vagina as a bait for men in any form. lol Just had to throw that out there.

        I'm actually very different from this woman. I just empathize with her cause I see it alot. That's what I meant about unrealistic. I used to come on blogs and throw stones at women who used bad discretion with their body, mind etc. Just because I'm the opposite from her, doesn't mean I don't understand what she did. Like I said, ALOT of people, both men and women, do this. I hear what everyone is saying and it all reads great in type…but the truth is, I look around and I see people gambling EVERYDAY in just about everything when it comes to their mind, body and soul. In fact, I bet good money alot of ya'll have gambled and LOST when un-necessary so let's not get ahead of ourselves.

        She made a ton of mistakes. The point of my comment was to acknowledge that it's not rare and stupid. It's life. All you can do is learn from your mistakes. There's nothing wrong with taking a chance if the person gives you a good reason. He didn't but not all situations are black and white like this one.

        1. I hear you SFG. I understand that we all make mistakes and live and learn..etc., however, when you want an honest answer as to WHY something happened…you get an honest answer.

          This isn't about feeling sorry for her because that won't help. She needs to hear the str8 up truth as to how she ended up in her shoes.

          We've all gambled, sure. However, at what point do we recognize BS for what it really is? The fact that she even wrote the letter says plenty about her thought process. SHE STILL DOESN'T GET IT! That’s why feeling her pain won't help her.

          When people feel sorry for you it turns into you feeling pity for yourself…which will not allow you to grow. The whole life lesson will be missed due to self-pity.

        2. You're right. She did ask a question. It's funny because I'm all about the brutal truth. 🙂 That's usually how I deliver advice to friends, etc. Touche.

  39. So, how was the advice?

    On point.

    Should she try to pursue a relationship?

    At this point and right now? Not with that guy b/c he clearly stated he wasn't looking for one.

    What are the pros and cons of this situation?

    pros: good sex?

    cons: her feelings are hurt

    What would you tell her?

    The same

    moreover, It looked like she saw how he looked on paper and them threw herself at him, then pressed him about not pursuing her.

    Here's a thought: Maybe many women should avoid passing judgment on whether a guy is a "catch" or not UNTIL you see how he treats you. Shouldn't a person's catch-ness be determined by how they treat you? By just going all in when you have the paper, you forget about performance (interaction with you). Are you interested in the person OR their resume? She didn't know the person, so maybe she only thought she was interested in him. Just saying… I don't know though.

    1. Exactly. I dealt with a guy like that: 26, MBA and government job, nice (on the surface), no kids, great chocolate body and face.

      But why haven't you had a serious relationship in years and still "not quite looking for anything serious"? That's when I learned something was off, but I still went with it. He wasn't treating me the way I should have been treated, and he even told me how good I was to him. That says enough.

      Now I know that when my intuition is kicking in, PAY ATTENTION! When a guy doesn't treat me in the respectable way I should be treated, I kindly tell him and then kick him off to most likely never interact with again.

      Now he's trying to knock on my door again, and I might just let him on the patio so I can look at his lovely chocolate-ness. But he won't get to the bedroom…

  40. Good advice, Streetz.

    Her first mistake was having sex with him as a way to get closer to him, or possibly change his mind about the relationship idea. You already knew what it was, so why put yourself out there. If its awesome, all of your emotions are tied into it, and ish like this happens.

    Now, I'm not a fan of having a jumpoff while dating him. However, I do suggest dating other men, and never letting them hit, while you are still dating the dude you want. And make sure all those other men can do for you is but you dinner, maybe pay your light bill or something. lol. Seriously though, the sex is where you messed up. Yes, he could have called more frequently, but you didn't have to have sex. If there is one thing a woman controls in a relationship, its her vagina. Men want it, so why rush it. And even if you never had sex with him, and he still turned out like this, you don't lose anything.

    And she's 27 complaining about not getting any younger. I guess I should just go jump off the damn building…

  41. "We went out to dinner and tx’ed around for a few months"

    Hmm(she's crazy)…

    Even if they didn't copulate, I pretty sure this chick would be on here writing another letter of "why mr. officer doesn't like me?"

  42. As a film maker this topic is right on the nose (screenwriting term).

    When Eddie Griffith made a a remark about "some old school" things we dissed were actual beneficial.  

    This topic is one of em.  I mentioned on another blog (young black and a feminist) in which the author allowed a guy back into her bed after standing her up for a date.  She then wrote how she liked the guy but didn't like getting stood up…but he still got to bang. Honestly she lost me-and I mean I can't take her issues on s*x as serious because she's perpetuating the myth. (like Lupe said you complain about liquor stores on every corner but buying from the same establishments). 

    Anyway I have felt, since about 25 all that battle of the sexes from the 90's (I was 15, when TLC dropped "ain't to proud to beg") was hot air from lots of the girls.  And this chick being 27 I'd consider her from the back end of that era.

    Like the femenist blogger shorty here -like the girls in Canarsie High played cool and still wound up a booty call, some with kids.

    I suggested some women re evaluate their position on casual sex. The feminist blogger asked why did I only suggest women?

    Because only women are writing about giving up the P and still b*tching about being duped. I feel like I'm back in Canarsie.
      

    She is confused alright because bottom line shorty wants to f*ck. Period. You are your actions-not intentions. 

    Its the s*x shame guilt we put on women (ironically backed up by other women, seen in women so quick to call each other "sluts", slores based of hearsay) is why she caught "feelings" (guilt from NSA s*x). 

    Like in the past she was s*xually liberated till the guilt kicked in and of course she's "not that kinda girl".

    Last women like her (I dated 3 like her) go as far as to have his baby, and completely ruin their lives.  

    The women like this we all know her. Educated. No bird, good woman but cocky on the low.  She may not say she is better than a project chick or freakier than a video vixen but that's how she thinks. She has toys. Dabbles in some p0rn too. 

    Ask her about this she will lie to you like how shorty lied to son.

    Bottom line you live once, my moms told me never take the guilt society throws at you into your bedroom.

    If some women wanna bone- do just that – be clear and discreet (and stop buying into nsa s*x can only be with dubious men) and stop "performing" to a role steeped in s*xist philosophy which says that women can't enjoy s*x for it's pure pleasure sans emo bullsht, no women needs to explain or justify her need for s*x in or not in a committed relationship.

    Humans are complex not pets that no matter what stay in the role we wanted them for.

      

  43. I know I've said it before, but I want to commend the SBM writers again for really getting involved in the comments section. Even when I personally have nothing to add, it's a good thing to see, and shows further investment on your part. Good stuff.

  44. I feel like she did pretty much lose any type of leverage she had by sleeping with him but I wouldnt say she is entirely wrong by going after him after he said he didnt want ltr.

    Also… I feel like people, both male and female, seem to feel like women have so much control so they should be able to 'just say no' when it comes to s3x. Well speaking for myself I know I can be just as weak when it comes to relations as any man such that the only remedy is to just avoid being alone with a guy I'm feeling. Basically what I'm saying is just like men do stupid things when aroused so do women. So maybe… just maybe she wasnt thinking about how this move would affect her chances with him but more about the type of positions this undercover narc would be able to get her into.

  45. Makes me wonder if she ever thought about all the men she just "dated" and DIDN'T have sex with…
    KARMA BITES A55???

  46. one thing I wanted to add: Sometimes peopel ask questions they knwo the answe to, but sometimes they need someone to confirm their own thoughts in order to move forward. There is NOTHING wrong with that, because we've ALL done it at one time or another.

    Im always willing to listen and help where I can, because I have great people in m life who did the same for me.

    So don't be discouraged to send us emails and such. Even if you don't want it "blogged about", we can still help…

    I might still blgo bout it tho… lol kidding (i think?)

  47. I don't know if I agree with the notion of compartmentalizing people in your life. That's a horrible way to operate with people and i'm sure there are several arguments for it on the other side. I just think that you're going to run into problems. There are people who meet great people and say "this will be my friend" and they compartmentalize that person. I can't count how many people have "friends" that are perfect partners for them but they've already put them in that box. At the same time, i've known people who started off as FwB who eventually grew into serious relationships that led to marriage. There are some people who it works for, there are others that it doesn't. Being a guy who has been dropped in a box I didn't want to before I can't cosign with that logic. Also, I myself have dropped someone in a box before and taken them out and moved them to another box and the relationship worked out just fine. I've learned now to just not use the boxes.

    Another point, STOP RECOMMENDING PEOPLE STOP HAVING S*X. I cannot stress this enough. You screwing up the universe. People are going to do what they want to do. Rather than some arbitrary reason like; i'm going to wait until [this date], [this title], [this happens], [certain treatment is received], etc. This is going to lead to a very unhealthy thought process. You'll have people refraining because they are afraid of getting hurt, but more than that, you'll have people who have no reason why they want to have s*x and aren't having s*x except some anecdotal reason. In reality, if you want to help develop that person help them understand the reasons for why they should want and not want to have s*x with someone. That way it won't be because it's the first date, or because they're in a relationship, they body will naturally not want to have s*x because they don't want to have s*x. I'm sure many people will not understand this and disagree with me, and it may have a lot to do with the fact that i'm reading the Wizard of Oz, but I get so upset when people do things for these arbitrary reasons against their own desires. Many times the best decisions that you can make, and the things that you truly want are already inside you and if they aren't you should spend time developing that, instead of saying, "I'm just going to stop having s*x."

  48. The worst weakness you can have is to believe that you have no weakness. Know yourself. If she didn't know the ledge initially, then that's one thing. But once you know that you are the type of woman that can't do s3x outside of a relationship…then don't.

  49. Oh goodness…lets not judge this young lady ladies. I'm sure more than half of you have been in this situation or are currently in it.

    Great advice from Senor Streetz and the commentors. I agree with everyone. My stance on the devaluation of sex has been stated before. Unfortunately women aren't making it easy on themselves or me for that matter lol. It's times like these when I think I should blog…damn my inconsistency.

  50. Personally, I think that she should have stayed true to wants or needs and witheld sex until he became more of the man she wanted. At the end of the day, her disappointment really comes from compromising herself.

  51. I think the bottom line in this situation is that you can't force a relationship when there is none. It's great to go after someone you want and I personally think it's fine to be with them in whatever sort of horizontal position you may find yourself in, but when you're not getting the response you want and deserve, i.e. ONE phone call, then it is up to you to respond with class, dignity and speed and move on to the next person. Lingering and festering just do not work! I've done it and I'm over it!

    And, if you need to laugh through the festering and lingering, and perhaps not feel so alone, here you go:

    Tip # 2: Force A Relationship
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCY-z59Mc2s
    The Brown Betties Guide: How To Look For Love in All The Wrong Places

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