A few weeks ago, I showed up to some bar and my friends had already been there. Almost immediately upon walking in, someone said something extremely offensive, but they laughed about it too. And I hate when people do that, they try and laugh so it seems like a joke, but between the two of you, you know they meant it. The problem is, I’m a hothead. Everyone who knows me, knows that I only have two speeds, “stop and go.” So when people meet me and they are like, “Jay is so laid back.” It’s not that I’m laid back, it’s just that now that I got these Xans, I just don’t take stuff so seriously anymore. Anyway, when this person made this joke, my first reaction is to pounce, but instead, I said to myself, “Because you been drinking, I’m going to let that slide.”
But it got me to thinking about when people, including myself, start drinking and the ten things that are most likely to happen:
1. You curse people out – This is more about speaking your mind during times of pressure. But when you get to drinking, it just seems like cuss words roll off your tongue easier. I was at a friend’s birthday party when she said something so eloquent and concise to her best friend. This is after her friend did something, I don’t know what it was, but I looked up and she was leaning into her. By the time I got in earshot of this situation … because I had to go see what was going on … I heard her say, “Take me home and don’t say sh*t to me.”
2. You kick people out your house – I watch Lakers games alone. I may go to a bar by myself, but typically I’m at home doing this. I broke this one time in 2008 and went to this lounge to watch Game 6 of the NBA Finals. And well, I had to watch the Lakers lose the championship. Anyway, in 2009 during the Western Conference Finals against the Nuggets, I let some of my friends come over to watch the Finals. I started drinking and this is what happened:
Me: [Looking at the television in disbelief]
My boy: I told you Melo is nice, son.
Me: Shut the f*ck up.
My boy: Oh now you mad?
Me: Real talk, this is why I don’t f*ck with you all. Get the f*ck out my house, son.
My boy: Word?
Female friend: That’s not nice, don’t kick people out your house.
Me: You get the f*ck out too.
3. You hit people by accident – Have you ever tried to high five your boy in the club and smacked him in the face? No, well I have, so screw you. I have a female friend who is like a sister to me, but whenever she’s been drinking and she play hits me, it’s hurts like a mug. People don’t know their own power when they drink. Reminds me of one family dinner when my Uncle was trying to tell my cousin that one of his arms was longer than the other. You can’t tell your teacher that your Uncle gave you a black eye cause he had too much Henny.
4. You hit people on purpose – I’m not a fighter, but I know some people who are. But I think that alcohol gives people liquid courage and while they might not have had when sober. I’ve seen this go really bad for people too. Basically because of the last point, you don’t have all your wits with you and you might miss. I remember as a kid the scariest part of a fight wasn’t getting your butt whipped it was the beginning when you square off. You know that if you don’t land this punch, your ass is grass. And that’s why you shouldn’t fight when you’re drunk.
5. You tell secrets you shouldn’t – Mad people find out that their older sister is actually their mother because their grandmother gets into the Bacardi Limon after dessert. Most people don’t find out that a chick smashed the homies until she’s been drinking a bit much. And last but not least, when a dude says, “Yeah I beat” at a kegger he seldom expects that information to get back to the chick but dry snitching is an epidemic.
6. You have sex with people you normally wouldn’t have – I’m happy I’m an asshole when I’ve been drinking. If I wasn’t … this probably would have happened to me. I will say this much, I probably told myself I didn’t want to have sex with a chick no more and then because of a little liquor ended up doing it again.
7. You forget things for periods of time aka blackout – “I don’t go out to have a good time, I go out to hear the stories the next day about last night.” A blackout is the worst part of drinking. Typically, after drinking for a whole day unless you take a nap you will black out at some point. Either that or after a bunch of shots. Let me tell you though, it’s downright scary when you lose hours of your life because they aren’t in your memory.
8. You cry – I don’t go to the club when women celebrate their birthday because for some reason there’s a good chance that when she gets to thinking about the last year of her life, that she’s not getting any younger, the bad decisions she’s made, and why the guy she’s talking to hasn’t shown up after he said he would … it starts raining on her face. I have witnessed 5-6 glasses of champagne turn into the last scene of Waiting To Exhale one too many times. I hate when two chicks think they sound like Whitney and Cece singing Count on Me, they sound like old cats.
9. You don’t give a f*ck – Alcohol is the gateway drug of the world. It’s what people are most likely to try first as a child and the effects it has on your brain reduces your ability to reason to its lowest levels. So I remember all too well watching a dude I didn’t know all that well, but I had seen him drinking for a while, he smoked and the combination of Henny, Weed, Atlanta and the outlook of Pinups in an hour made him say, “Sure I’ll try ex.” You know why he did that? Because he just didn’t give a f*ck anymore.
10. You say something you probably shouldn’t have – I said this on twitter, but I have a bad habit of saying stuff to people when I’ve been drinking that I probably shouldn’t have said. This started in college when I walked into my house after a party and saw a girl who was a jumpoff on the low. I looked at her and said, “So who are you here to f*ck?” Apparently this wasn’t nice. Neither was this:
Her: People always tell me I look like Kim Kardashian.
Me: Yeah, if you lost 30 pounds, you would!
Her: You don’t like Black women.
Me: That’s not true, I just think white and pink go together better.
I am working on not talking when I’ve been drinking, it hasn’t been working out for me. At this point, I have a touch phone that I can’t text on when sober, so I don’t worry about drunk texts anymore.
PS – I enjoyed meeting everyone in DC this weekend. We shouldn’t let it go too long without seeing one another. And there’s room for more people on these trips. To the new folks, please hit me up on Twitter: @DrJayJack, and please “Like” SingleBlackMale.org on Facebook. Sharing is caring.
Check out these funny clips of Eddie Murphy talking about Drinking:
Eddie Murphy – The Cookout
Eddie Murphy – New Rules for Lillian