Home Advice Single Black Mail – How to tell potential lovers that you’re a virgin

Single Black Mail – How to tell potential lovers that you’re a virgin

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The Email

Im a 21 year old college student in the South. I’m cute but I’m a virgin and I don’t know how to necessarily tell a guy about my virgin status. I haven’t been in many relationships, and I’m not saving my virginity for marriage just a real relationship no FWB bullshit. But I can’t convey that to a guy because of course he’ll want to be on ‘lets be in a relationship’ tip just to get the goodies. And most guys seem turned off by a virgin anyway. So when dealing with a guy should I even tell him I’m a virgin? What should I say when of course the topic of sex even comes up?



-R

The Response

Stop frontin and give up the pums! LOL I’m just kiddin like Jason….#unlessYouGonnaDoit

Seriously, the virgin struggle is something that women have dealt with for years. That awkward moment when you are alone and before anything gets real, you have to tell a dude “I’m a virgin and I’m not having sex”. Obviously there’s pros and cons to the decision to let a dude know up front your stance on giving him the master key to your sacred love muscle.

At 21, You should be in your 3rd-4th year of school, so you know the game already (or should). Especially going to school in the south (and ESPECIALLY if its a HBCU)!!! Having s*x in college is easy, random, and frequent, so when dudes see a woman who’s a virgin, they may have pause initially. This all depends on their true intentions. if a dude is just trying to smash, he more than likely will leave you alone and just be “friends”. If a dude is looking for a relationship, but isn’t trying to wait for you to give it up, so he may pursue a relationship hoping that he wears your defenses down. Rarely, you will get a dude who doesn’t care and will be fine with waiting until you are ready.

See Also:  Career Pathways in Love: Girlfriends versus Wives

Two things you have to watch are 1) becoming the hobby chick, and 2) Dudes who will just hang around until they hit, and then bounce on you. I won’t lie to you and say that i know how to tell, you have to use your woman’s intuition and scrutinize the dudes you choose to date. It’s pretty easy to get a carfax (report on a persons history) if you’re looking at campus dudes. If you aren’t than you have to be even more thorough with your examination.

I would say the best thing to do is be 100% real. Let the dudes know you’re a virgin and your stance, just like you wrote to us. They either have to love it, or leave you alone. Simple. Don’t compromise your stance for loving. Trust.

Readers – What saith you? How does one tell potential lovers that they are virgins? Have you experienced this? Any and all comments appreciated!

 

 

 

 

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Comment(150)

  1. virgins… can't do it.

    she should just be upfront. it's up to the dude at that point how he wants to pursue, if even at all. my question is how does a woman in her position know if she's the hobby chick? i know more than likely i would make a virgin a hobby chick. more than likely she wouldnt know it.

  2. Unfortunately, losing your virginity after the age of 20 was not covered in Duh, B!tch…. And much like you said, she's gon' have to trust her intuition, Carfax, Jesus, and all 12 disciples to discern whether or not the dude is tryin' to get with her for her, or if he wants to be the first to part her pink C.

    Good post.

  3. Hello all! I suppose I will "come from out of shadows" and make myself known. *waves*

    I'm a current college student as well and I think the best advice I'd give "serious" virgins on a college campuses would be to hold on to it. It's extremely rare to find guys [on campus] who are serious about being in a relationship with a smorgasbord of commitment free vagina running rampant. There's really no incentive to locking one particular girl down at my age anyway. Plus, there's ALWAYS gonna be that one guy on campus that you'd lose your virginity to if God ever blessed your vagina to experience such pleasure.

    1. Welcome and thanks for the comment!

      Holding onto virginity is advice I always hear people give. I guess I can cosign but you're goign to lose it regardless, might as well lose it during your college years and not at 40, lol.

    2. I second that welcome!

      Also, since Streetz didn't do it I will pop the champagne and sprinkle the Cheekie-shaped confetti*.

  4. <blockquote cite="comment-295208">

    MadScientist7:

    virgins… can’t do it.

    she should just be upfront. it’s up to the dude at that point how he wants to pursue, if even at all. my question is how does a woman in her position know if she’s the hobby chick? i know more than likely i would make a virgin a hobby chick. more than likely she wouldnt know it.

    Why would you make a girl who is a virgin a hobby chick? Like why try to deceive her like that making her think you really like her when all you are trying to do is "be the first"? Whats the point? And if there are guys like that, whats the point of even being honest?

    1. Yeah… thats one of those scenarios where just because you CAN do something, doesn't mean you SHOULD.

      sigh… I will never understand why guys who are looking for "hobby chicks" don't just find girls who are looking for "hobby dudes"…

      1. Where's the fun in that? Half the fun is her going "crazy" over you. There's a reason it's called the dating game .

        1. lol… girl… you sound like my brother. I remember him saying something similar when I asked him the same question.

          I no longer have the patience to participate in the game… which I think puts me at a bit of a disadvantage… but it is what it is.

  5. I would say the best thing to do is be 100% real. Let the dudes know you’re a virgin and your stance, just like you wrote to us. They either have to love it, or leave you alone. Simple. Don’t compromise your stance for loving. Trust.

    That just about sums it up. When I was one, I didn't have any qualms about putting it out there. I didn't broadcast it to the world, of course, but if the subject of sex came up and/or I was asked about my experiences, I would let it be known. The first guy I dated was that cliche'd ass thug gentleman. It was the cutest thing. We would have long conversations and he wouldn't bring sex up after he found out. Our relationship was short-lived due to certain circumstances (say no to thug life), but I still remember our first date. He made sure to pull me in as close as possible through the movie, and the boldest thing he did was to sneak a kiss on my cheek. Now, this was a guy who had a short ass fuse with everyone but me. Quite a few girls liked him, but he had eyes only for me. Or so it seemed, anyway. If we had stayed together, I probably would've ended up doing something with him on his 21st birthday. Or so I thought. When I brought it up to him a year or so later, he said that he wouldn't have let me. So yeah…there are some guys out there who are willing to hang around without getting the goodies.

    As for my "first," he found out relatively early that I was a virgin, and there was never any kind of pressure to do anything. I only had to say the word "no" once – literally – when it came to crossing that line. It wasn't until about a year into our acquaintance that it happened, and even though there was quite a bit of drama in the story of us, me being a virgin played only a small part if any at all. To be honest, I've found it more complicated to tell someone that even though I'm not currently one and I freely discuss matters relating to it, I will likely not have sex with him. On the one end, I'm that "never say never" kind of person and don't want to end up eating my words, but at the same time I feel the need to let a guy know that he's not necessarily going to get the goods. I see a lot of guys talking about how it's tacky for a woman to bring something like that up early on, but I don't like my time being wasted or leading people on/giving false hope. I don't have any kind of timeline that I work with, so no one should be surprised if they find out that I don't have sex again until I get married. Or that I meet someone in a couple of months and get sucked back into that game of lovin'. Whatever the case, I've been hitting guys with the "no, you're never gonna get it" (Never ever gonna get it) line for awhile now. Sometimes I'm straight up, sometimes I bring it forth in a light manner, and sometimes it's a bit awkward. But, girl, whatever you do, just be true to yourself. When it comes up, let 'em know what it is. There's no foolproof answer for anything, so you might as well just lay it out there.

      1. I think the "you're not gonna hit this" -approach is the best with a lot of guys, especially in clubs. Everyone knows that they're only after one thing there, and they'd take it from pretty much anyone (starting with trying to get the pretty, and usually ending up with the close to obnoxious as the level of alcohol in their blood increases). If a guy like that approaches me, I'm nice and say hi and if he sticks around, I tell him right away that he isn't getting any, because I don't want him to waste his time. Some guys are even grateful that I let them know so they can hit someone else.

    1. Yes, it is. A lot of guys would, and do, get a serious side eye if they're over 21 and still virgins. I find it unfortunate, because I actually admire that.

    2. I guess I'm out of the loop… but I'm really confused by the fact that deciding whether or not to tell a guy that she's a virgin is even an issue…

    3. I met a fine @ss virgin last year. He was one of them Jesus freaks…but sexy and er'thang. icant. I thought something was wrong with him. I thought maybe he's gay. Maybe it's broken. Nah sah.

  6. My advice? Only mention it when you think you are ready to have sex with someone. No need to meet a guy and put yourself out there. If you say you want to wait until you are in a real relationship do just that. Any dude worth your body shouldn't pressure you into something yoi may not be ready to do.

  7. Im ashamed to say, but even I side eye guys who are over 21 and virgins. I don't know, it just seems weird. I almost expect every guy I meet to be sexually experienced. But the guy I met who was a virgin he was very proud of the fact and although he didnt broadcast it he had had no qualms about it. Too bad we didn't click.

    1. "I'm ashamed to say, but even I side eye guys who are over 21 and virgins."

      I actually have been really impressed when I met guys who were virgins past their teen years. Given that they weren't super social awkward or had any other weird qualities that makes them less desirable to women, I think its actually impressive… shows an awful lot of self control. Same goes for guys who choose to be celibate.

      1. Agreed, they gets no side eyes from me, they get respect. Not having sex is hard for anyone, but a man!? They've been through some thangs! That's some self control for your @ss.

        1. Granted I'm a little different, a man doesn't have to go through something for them to not be having sex. I've said it before but I think sex is overrated. Good, yes. But easy to much emphasis is put on the act. Im not a fan on randoms. People look at me crazy when I say that I can be in a sexless relationship. I underatand why but thats me. I try to look a12 the big picture. If I am trying to get to know someone for the right reasons then sex is low on the totem pole

        2. <blockquote cite="comment-295706">

          Animate: People look at me crazy when I say that I can be in a sexless relationship. I underatand why but thats me. I try to look a12 the big picture. If I am trying to get to know someone for the right reasons then sex is low on the totem pole

          That's very admirable. But have ever tried a sexless relationship before?

        3. <blockquote cite="comment-295706">

          Animate: People look at me crazy when I say that I can be in a sexless relationship. I underatand why but thats me. I try to look a12 the big picture. If I am trying to get to know someone for the right reasons then sex is low on the totem pole

          That's something you don't hear everyday. I applaud you but have you ever tried a sexless relationship before?

        4. Sorry, let me clarify. I didn't mean that they were broken or had some horrible life experience or something by saying that they've been through some things. I meant that it's really hard to say no to sex and I'd imagine even harder for a man to say no to sex since society [email protected] near demands it and your manliness is in question when you choose to maintain your virginity. Which is why it's so impressive to me when a man is not a manwh0re, whether that means he's a virgin or simply that won't sell his firstborn for beats with the local floozy. Desperation is not cute, I don't care what gender you are. And hitting a nasty chick is desperate. Whenever you get through.

  8. <blockquote cite="comment-295258">

    Animate:

    My advice? Only mention it when you think you are ready to have sex with someone. No need to meet a guy and put yourself out there. If you say you want to wait until you are in a real relationship do just that. Any dude worth your body shouldn’t pressure you into something yoi may not be ready to do.

    But what if they ask "are you a virgin"? Most guys seem to pick up on sexual inexperience and the lack of talking about sex so they always ask the question. Just dodge it when he asks?

    1. Depends on when they ask. I just dont talk about a person's personal life to that extent until wr have established at least a direction that the relationship is taking. Out still comes down to what you are comfortable discussing with this person. If someone asksabout my sex life too early they get the o_O and a "why are you asking? "

      1. <blockquote cite="comment-295695">

        Animate: If someone asksabout my sex life too early they get the o_O and a “why are you asking? ”

        Exactly! I respond with a "oh thats a little too personal" and change the subject.

        1. That's all well and good, but let's bring a lil reality into the situation…you're dating a guy, you're feeling each other, after about three months, ya'll decide you wants to make it exclusive. He's your man and ya'll start messing around, you have the talk and let him know that you're saving it for marriage.

          You don't think this man is within his rights to be a lil annoyed. Like, you couldn't have brought this up before? It's sorta like a trap. It's definitely dishonest. In a perfect world, it wouldn't be. But in the real world, it's assumed that everyone is having sex. So after he put all this time in on you and you've both developed feelings, you drop this bomb on him and he's just supposed to be cool with it and if he leaves he's the @ss? I think not. It is a tricky situation, it's not first date convo but you wait too long and you could do some real damage, IMO.

  9. Can't wait to read responses to this post in the morning…..

    That was some good advice Streetz, but you did forget to mention for the most part that dude she does come across who is willing to wait for her to give him her sacred flower that there is a strong probability he may be doing so because he is taking down some random or whateva in the meantime to get him through his dry spells… *JustAThough*

    Sidenote: Your question.. :"Have you experienced this" should be amended to say "How did you respond when you had your V-card back in the day" #NoShots!!! but let's be reallll based on previous topics — everbody on SBM.org is coloring or at least scribbled along the lines at least ONCE — Not too many unicorns in these parts BUT I could be wrong.. :o) *shrug*

  10. Can’t wait to read responses to this post in the morning…..

    That was some good advice Streetz, but you did forget to mention for the most part that dude she does come across who is willing to wait for her to give him her sacred flower that there is a strong probability he may be doing so because he is taking down some random or whateva in the meantime to get him through his dry spells… *JustAThough*

    Sidenote: Your question.. :”Have you experienced this” should be amended to say “How did you respond when you had your V-card back in the day” #NoShots!!! but let’s be reallll based on previous topics — everbody on SBM.org is coloring or at least scribbled along the lines at least ONCE — Not too many unicorns in these parts BUT I could be wrong.. :o) *shrug*

    1. LOL yep, there's definitely some h0es in this house. Hahaha. Everytime I see a post on women's past, etc alot of people get defensive. I'm a virgin…in my ear. That is all.

      1. Girl, you're not up on that young ear bang? Betta get you some! Start with the c0cklear implant, it's boss 😉

  11. Doesn't matter how/when you tell him, he won't believe you anyway.

    Lol, I kid Not really. At all.

    This is a tough one. Too soon and they jet, let's be honest, they're used to getting it. Too late and it's sorta like a trap and feels dishones, plus it comes up a lot. I once had a dude tell me on a first date that I smelled like a virgin O_o what does one day to that? *smh*

    1. "I once had a dude tell me on a first date that I smelled like a virgin O_o what does one day to that? *smh*"

      WOW…What does that even mean????

      Seriously though… 21 is not that old. Especially if she hadn't had a significant relationship yet. Guys these days are really scared off by a 21 year old virgin???? That kind of annoys me…

      We women are damned if we do and damned if we don't, it seems…

      1. Girl, it meant "c'mon, you not gon eff me?" That's all…said he knew a chick at work that was a virgin and I smelled like her. Guess virgins smell like Love Spell, chexual frustration, and no-way-in-hell-this-cat's-hittin.

    2. I believe based on pheromones, there is a distinct smell.

      I remember it smelling like a combination (her and I) of coco butter, imitation Fahrenheit and PDAZZ.lol

    3. " I once had a dude tell me on a first date that I smelled like a virgin O_o what does one day to that? *smh*"

      o_O Does that mean you smelled good?

      1. Who knows what he meant? He wasn't being particularly complimentary, more like a statement of fact. I'd always been up front from early (as in the first time that sex was brought up) and at the urging of an ex and my close guy friends, I was trying the "let him like you first, then tell him" method. So OF COURSE, the next date I had, he straight up asks me if I'm a virgin and I stare at him in disbelief. Without answering, I asked why he would ask me that and he lays on the "you just smell like a virgin"…then tells me the story about his coworker…he was an odd duck. He got 3 dates.

    4. Girl you're right. They don't believe you. It doesn't matter what you tell a man, he will think you're lying. I don't even answer that "how many people have you been with" question anymore. The only proof a virgin has is blood on the sheets…other than that, you're a liar. lol

      1. "The only proof a virgin has is blood on the sheets…other than that, you’re a liar. lol"

        Some, still wouldn't believe her. Dependent upon what time of the month things went down.

    5. "I once had a dude tell me on a first date that I smelled like a virgin O_o what does one day to that? *smh*"

      Only thing I can think of is that it was just a lame back door way of figuring out if you were a virgin or not without directly asking you (for fear of being too bold and disrespectful). He figures once he makes that statment then you would willingly "play along" and give a statement that clues him in on if you are a virgin or not. Obviously his plan B was the direct approach which he used on the next date.

      As far as the guys that are scared off by 21 year old virgins, I believe they're not scared of the fact she is a virgin, but the result if she loses her virginity to him. It's a common notion (right or wrong) that women get super attached to the man she loses her virginity to, may become super clingy and emotional and then all kinds of drama pops off if it's just a "toot it and boot" scenario. I guess us men just don't want to be the first so if something goes left ol' girl doesn't go bat ish crazy on us and starts stalking and slashing tires. Not saying non-virgins don't do the same stuff, but there is a higher probability (in the guys mind) this will happen with virgins. Fair? Maybe not, but that's the perception. *shrugs*

      1. <blockquote cite="comment-295918">

        Larry: “I once had a dude tell me on a first date that I smelled like a virgin O_o what does one day to that? *smh*”It’s a common notion (right or wrong) that women get super attached to the man she loses her virginity to, may become super clingy and emotional and then all kinds of drama pops off if it’s just a “toot it and boot” scenario. I guess us men just don’t want to be the first so if something goes left ol’ girl doesn’t go bat ish crazy on us and starts stalking and slashing tires. Not saying non-virgins don’t do the same stuff, but there is a higher probability (in the guys mind) this will happen with virgins. Fair? Maybe not, but that’s the perception. *shrugs*

        I've heard this to be true but I have to say I became the total opposite after I lost my V-card back in high school to my then boyfriend, he became a bugaboo and I broke up with him (family intervention/assistance needed) 4 months later, so I guess I was one of those exceptions NOT the rule to your above statement.

  12. This represents the parallel that exist amongst the sexes, as it relates to sexual expression. Unfortunately, young men who are virgins after a undefined age have their manhood questioned and receive the o_0, and young women are thrusted (giggity) onto an unsustainable pedestal.

  13. I say keep holding onto it as long as you can…the writer has given u some advise on how to coz once u taste the good vitamin D there aint no going back…it can be a blessing and curse so think wisely….

  14. <blockquote cite="comment-295402">

    goons: I say keep holding onto it as long as you can…the writer has given u some advise on how to coz once u taste the good vitamin D there aint no going back…it can be a blessing and curse so think wisely….

    ===============

    "advice"…..

  15. This post was made for me. I'm going on 20 but I'm a junior in college. I'm a virgin. I don't even tell my friends because they come to me for relationship advice and assume that I'm getting it because I date all these 'cute' guys.About the age thing, I'm pretty young for being a junior but it's so weird to be a virgin amongst all these sexually active college folks.

    I never tell dudes about my intercoursal inexperience until we're about to get down. Some of them are cool with it and others continue to pressurize me. I'm not saving it up for marriage but for a steady relationship. Don't be rushed into giving it up. If I find the right dude tomorrow, I can give it up then. If I find him when I'm 26, so be it then. No rush.

  16. I like the advice you gave her Streetz…losing your virginity is such a confusing time for a woman….I remember my "comedy of errors"…that is what I have termed it…it really was hilarious…my first time turned me off to s*x for the longest time it was so bad..so, hopefully, her first time will be memorable and special..that is what I would wish for her…and she should wait it out for a very special man…

  17. Ohh, I just noticed the "like" "dislike" buttons are gone….lol. I think people may have been getting a little obsessed with it….good call.

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-295646">

      QueenT:

      Ohh, I just noticed the “like” “dislike” buttons are gone….lol. I think people may have been getting a little obsessed with it….good call.

      I kinda like it but it was getting a lil crazy people started taking a "dislike" as if someone called them a beeyotch or talked about their momma.

    2. I think Dr. J got sour cause people were disliking him. lol Wimps. But if anyone wants the Like/Dislike buttons back, let me know and I'll make sure it gets added back.

      Any other requests for SBM changes can be submitted through me. I got you.

      lol j/k…maybe

      1. You're welcome ladies. Don't listen to Streetz. I just got off Slim, he could barely talk but he said something about it had to be disabled but he'll put them back.

        If you need anything else, I'm going to need at least an hour.

        1. **tucks in shirt before heading back to work**

          SFG made a really convincing case to bring it back asap as she brought me to an aggressive climax rivaled only by the one I had when we were in the s*x swing.

    3. LOL

      We've been having some site issues so some stuff had to be disabled. Now it has returned. No this wasnt bec of SFG lol.

      The Streetz Giveth, and the Streetz taketh away!

      **contemplates a new ebook title**

  18. whew have i been there. i wish i could email this woman directly. lol.

    i was a virgin in college and i don't think it's that hard to determine if a guy just wants to sleep with you or not (well i didn't until i just read that Hobby Chick post. lawd.).

    sex was so common that my friends just assumed i was having it, and i didn't deny it. i simply just wouldn't have much to add to the impromptu pow wows that occurred in the freshman dorms of Spelman, and oh were there lots of "girrrl guess what happened last night" pow wows. lol pretty soon i got to the point where i was embarrassed to say i was, and when i finally confessed, the guy i was dating and my friends were just flabbergasted. lol. they couldn't understand why i'd be ashamed of this fact, but i mean, when everyone else is talking about **censored** and doing **censored** while being **censored** and you have not a clue, it's hard to interject with "wait you're speaking to virgin ears, literally." lol. i do know the conversations and "teaching" lessons that occurred from my roommates and friends after that were downright hilarious … and actually helpful once i eventually decided to do the dew much later. lol

    i say if she's waiting for a real relationship, don't tell the guy until she's sure there is a possibility that he will even have a chance to 'deflower" her. i know for me, that chance only came after i knew there were feelings invested on both parts, he was a genuinely good guy (to me at least. lol) with good intentions, and wouldn't just disappear a week later. i actually think it made him like me more.

  19. I need to see a picture of this girl. I have been saying this for a minute now. I'm not trying to be ignorant this early in the morning. But, she's not saving it for marriage, but not no FWB B.S. To me, in my personal opinion, if you not saving it for marriage, by the time you get to 21 you should have found something, and if people keep hitting you with the FWB situations… well…

    I just need to see a picture.

    1. You really think so?

      I know that there can be an exception, and that some girls do lose their virginity on a whim, but for all my friends, we all lost our virginity once we were in serious, committed relationships. I didn't lose mine until I was 18 and in my first year of college. And the guy I lost it to was my first love and we ended up being together for almost 3 years.

      Her saying she's not waiting for marriage but just doesn't want a FWB situation doesn't seem odd to me at all, if she hasn't been in a significant relationship yet.

      My guess is that she hasn't yet…

      1. Exactly. I was an (relatively) older virgin, and I lost it when I was in a serious relationships. The problem is that its become the norm for children to lose their virginity in HS on some "super sweet 16, not I need to lose my virginity" type of BS. So, the idea that a person might wait seems weird. I felt weird, especially when all my friends lost it in HS to whoever they were dating that month.

        1. But see… thats why I'm confused about this whole situation…

          When did it become a bad thing to be young and a virgin???

          When I first started college I was still a virgin. I didn't lose it until later on in my freshman year. When the people in my circle found out that I was a virgin, at first they were all amazed by it because there was only myself and one other girl who still were virgins. But after a while, nobody really talked about it. It wasn't a big deal anymore.

          And… I found that they guys treated me differently because I was a virgin, but not in a bad way. They still pursued me, but they were extra respectful about it, so being a virgin was never a burden to me. In fact, I felt like it was an asset.

          Granted… 18 is not 21… but its not really THAT far off. And 'm only 28, so college wasn't that long ago for me. Again… I'm shocked that things have changed so much and that this is even a real issue…

        2. Were you 21? If you were 21, i'd still be like, can I see a picture?

          It's not that every woman will lose her virginity at age 14-16, but many will lose it at 17-19. The average age that a woman in America loses her virginity… age 17. In my opinion a few things could be at play, a few things are LIKELY at play, 1) nobody is really checking for her, 2) she doesn't know how to go about getting into a serious relationship, or 3) she's in school at a small Christian school in the middle of Utah. But even we learned this year that people still get down with the get down at BYU.

          Just be honest y'all, people always want to raise their hand as the exception, and forget that chances are…

          Like I know a chick who was a virgin, but she was a straight, "anything but". The way she came off to dudes was like, i'll back it up on you on the dancefloor, i'll make out with heavy, dry humping is cool, a tugjob is her specialty, but when you went to cross the plane, she was like … nah i'm saving that for someone special. o_O. But we just met!!!

          Moreover, proper understanding of #1 and #3 comes down to understanding the difference between "do you find [insert name here] attractive?" and "would you hit?"

          Harsh reality.

        3. Where you live & who you interact with makes a huuuuuge difference. I'm not a virgin but i'm quite inexperienced (now age 20) – high school was pretty awkward plus there were only 30 people in my graduating class, and I found to my dismay that in college my group of friends quickly became hermits (don't go to parties/throw parties/make any effort to make new friends, much less have loads of sex) after freshman yr and the few outgoing friends that i have are conservative christians…though they throw/go to parties there is 0 chance of sex at these parties i get invited to because of their religious beliefs. but some of them still drink. Yup. My school is also very isolated (everyone lives in private housing) and it's not that easy to meet people. Regardless of how you look (and I know I'm not bad looking, cos when I go other places I do get guys….) the circumstances you are in could mean that you are an unintentional virgin. it is seriously hard to meet guys here!!! maybe that gives you a better idea of a potential circumstance for a 21 yr old virgin?

    2. Not necessarily I have been hit with FWB relationships, but I am on a college campus and sex without commitment is mostly what guys are looking for so I was just stating what I was NOT looking for. I've been in relationships, they just ended cause we didn't click or just faded away without having sex.. which sucks cause even with being a virgin I think I have a high sex drive *sighs*

  20. I think you gave good advice Streetz. 

    When I was one I had no problem stating that I was, when necessary. I thought it was a badge of honor actually.  When you're dating a guy you should tell him when you're ready. I told my first upfront and it worked out fine. If you tell him and he runs away then so be it. Having a guy leave you before sex is a lot easier to deal with then after. 

  21. First… Happy 420!

    Next… I lost mine early H.S. so I dont even really remember being a virgin but I know I wish I had waited.

    "I would say the best thing to do is be 100% real. Let the dudes know you’re a virgin and your stance, just like you wrote to us."

    I do not agree with this. That just screams "take advantage of me". Keep it to yourself until you feel close enough to a guy to share.

  22. I guess I can come out of lurk mode and help this sista out. First, if she's not saving it for marriage then I'm going to assume that she hasn't had any serious relationships. So at this point she doesn't have to say anything unless she is dating the guy and sex comes up. If he walks away then he did her a favor. One of my classmates is now a 26 year old virgin and guys run or call her a tease. I just say know your limits and find a guy worthy of your time. Sex complicates things, so take your time and don't let anyone pressure you. After a certain age being a virgin is more of a burden than an honor. Your body is a temple, so I wish her the best of luck with whatever decision she makes.

  23. This post is almost me exactly except I'm 22 and graduated from college last year. Going through 4 years of college in the south and at an HBCU is hard being a virgin! Once I told one guy that I was a virgin, it spread through my whole campus! I didn't really have to tell guys from my campus but I also wasn't interested in dating them especially since they looked at me as some type of conquest. If I met a guy from another school or where ever I wouldn't just tell him. I'm more reserved with that because it is an awkward conversation to have if the moment isn't right in my opinion. I say wait to break the news until the guy brings it up and his reaction to the news decides how you should move forward and even if he seems to accept it and a relationship is established I'd proceed with caution because it really hurts when you think a guy is genuine and he pumping everything moving because you aren't giving it up.

    Does anyone thinks Streetz advice changes in post graduate life?

  24. I didn't even know they still made virgins.

    Anyway, I'm too old to consider taking a woman's virginity. If one told me, I'd leave her alone. I'll leave it up to the kids to provide more timely advice. But, as has been a repeat theme in the comments, I would advise she not give it up until she's ready and any dude that cant respect that can kick a 1000 rocks.

    1. *places 1000 rocks in front of you*

      Can I say though, THANK YOU for realizing that just because you wouldn't mess with a virgin, that doesn't mean that there is something intrinsically wrong with someone that chooses to wait.

      1. <blockquote cite="comment-295817">

        Starita34: *places 1000 rocks in front of you*Can I say though, THANK YOU for realizing that just because you wouldn’t mess with a virgin, that doesn’t mean that there is something intrinsically wrong with someone that chooses to wait.

        *starts kicking*

        Definitely nothing wrong with waiting. I actually had a homeboy that waited and made it all the way to college. Like many of the women here they thought he was "weird" but I always respected it. Dude had a strong resolve because he turned down some bad chicks. Some of which, being the good friend I am, I knocked off in his honor.

        But when he DID lose it, THAT BOY WENT WILD chile.

        Sex aint nuttin but the devil.

  25. I think you gave her reat advice. Being honest up front is the best thing to do. Now, being upfront doesn't mean telling a dude on the first date. But, when the time arises(ha ha), just tell him the truth and how you feel.

    I was a virgin until I was 20. And I lived the HBCU life, whick is a whole 'notha ball game. I dated dudes, and when it came up, I was honest, and most men fell back. Then, I met a guy who decided that he would wait (not an HBCU man, go figure), and it was all good. So, you really have to use your own discernment when dealing with men, because the majority of the men on a college campus will have some sort of past. It doesn't mean they're all slores, most aren't, Just date, have fun, feel him out, tell him the truth, and see what happens. At worst, you lose a potential lover, but at best, you keep your virginity, and you have the knowledge that you didn't just give it away like you give candy on Halloween.

  26. ok, who whined about the like/dislike button? I thought it was cool, though I did notice some men get a lot of dislikes just for being here. Not cool, ladies. not cool. Now, the bosses took it away. 🙁

  27. A virgin? Da fcuk is wrong with her? Don't she know holding on to poon is like keeping an expensive car in the garage all the time, after a while it turns into an antique and it can't be driven anymore. WORTHLESS. She's so ungrateful. I'm out here with my h0e self in the trenches, saving n*ggas lives every night and she over there with her lazy @ss doing nothing. Lazy @ss non-h0e.

    Just kidding 🙂

    I graduated highschool a virgin and it was HARD. 🙂 Okay Imma stop but for real I did spend all of highschool and first year of college a virgin and it was difficult. I didn't tell men because I knew they would make it their mission to be my first. When things got hot, I would stop him and just say that I don't believe in casual s.ex, etc. If he tries to rush into being your man just to have s.ex, you'll know cause there will be major signs. If he's only interested in s.ex, chances are he'll just leave and go to the next woman anyway. You don't have to tell anyone you're a virgin but it shouldn't be too hard to tell a man you don't want to have s.ex with him. I'm not a virgin but I say no to dudes all the time. It shouldn't be that hard. 🙂

    1. "saving n*ggas lives every night and she over there with her lazy @ss doing nothing. Lazy @ss non-h0e."

      *This sentence made me giggle*

    2. "I'm out here with my h0e self in the trenches, saving n*ggas lives every night and she over there with her lazy @ss doing nothing. Lazy @ss non-h0e."

      Between you,Corey, Star and TWisM, iCan't.

  28. Ok….all I have to add to this is LOL @ "I'm cute, but I'm a virgin" like those aspects are dependent on each other

    I read the link that leads to the whole hobby chick post

    Maybe I'm urbanly challenged but I still don't get it

    What the heck defines someone or are signs that someone is a hobby chick?

    Streetz??? Anyone? Please educate me on these ideals lol

      1. Much appreciated sir!!

        Ive been thinking about this ever since you told me about a month ago to watchout for becoming one as I am super celebate right now!

  29. <blockquote cite="comment-295735">

    GirlSixx: That’s something you don’t hear everyday.I applaud youbut have you ever tried a sexless relationship before?

    Can't say that I have but I've never really tried to have sex with someone either. Not saying that women have just thrown the panties at me cuz they haven't lol I'm just always making sure a woman doesn't feel disrespected so I move at her pace when out comes to sex.

        1. <blockquote cite="comment-295839">

          Starita34:

          Too bad true gentleman have gone the way of the dodo bird

          Sometimes it's hard to remain a true gentleman when the drawz get tossed at you. #imjustsayin

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-295747">

      Animate: Can’t say that I have but I’ve never really tried to have sex with someone either. Not saying that women have just thrown the panties at me cuz they haven’t lol I’m just always making sure a woman doesn’t feel disrespected so I move at her pace when out comes to sex.

      I employ this same tactic. Although, sometimes I get #FriendZone'd for being the "nice guy" simply because I didnt forcibly remove her panties in the backseat of a Cutlass. Then she turns around and gives up the goods to the @sshole. Got damn you, Friend Zone!!!

      *shakes fist*

  30. I think she shouldn't tell him she is a virgin upfront. Some women tout their lack experiencing "beating by peen" as who they are. Just be yourself. If sex comes up be honest. If you want a serious relationship sex shouldn't come up until you two have talked for a significant amount of time and are comfortable enough to have that conversation. It shouldnt run off any guy that cares about you and any guy that seems too thirsty or shows less interest after you tell them you dont want to deal with.

  31. <blockquote cite="comment-295682">

    Therelucantsocialte: <blockquote cite="comment-295758">

    Dr. J: Were you 21? If you were 21, i’d still be like, can I see a picture?It’s not that every woman will lose her virginity at age 14-16, but many will lose it at 17-19. The average age that a woman in America loses her virginity… age 17. In my opinion a few things could be at play, a few things are LIKELY at play, 1) nobody is really checking for her, 2) she doesn’t know how to go about getting into a serious relationship, or 3) she’s in school at a small Christian school in the middle of Utah. But even we learned this year that people still get down with the get down at BYU.Just be honest y’all, people always want to raise their hand as the exception, and forget that chances are…Like I know a chick who was a virgin, but she was a straight, “anything but”. The way she came off to dudes was like, i’ll back it up on you on the dancefloor, i’ll make out with heavy, dry humping is cool, a tugjob is her specialty, but when you went to cross the plane, she was like … nah i’m saving that for someone special. o_O. But we just met!!!Moreover, proper understanding of #1 and #3 comes down to understanding the difference between “do you find [insert name here] attractive?” and “would you hit?”Harsh reality.

    lol… I feel you.

    But why can't she be the exception, though? I mean SOMEBODY'S got to be the exception… why can't it be her?

    Again… I just don't think that 21 is that old. If she was 30 talking about she was still a virgin, I think you and I would probably be on the same page. Or maybe even past 25. But being a 21 year old virgin honestly does not see that weird to me. Rare? yes… Weird? Not really… not yet, anyway.

  32. It's been so long since I've encountered a bottle of warm good good with the seal not broken that I don't even know what I would do if a girl told me she was a virgin and was hanging onto it. Oh, I'd request wops. Lots of wops. If she wasn't down with ostrich neck, then I'd have to opt out of that subscription.

  33. I typically don't make decisions based on the calender, however, until she is ready to give the gentleman her full guvment name and last four digits of her social, she should wait.

  34. One thing I don't understand about society today is why people feel it is their right to know people's sexual preferences, experience, orientation etc. I'm talkin about people that don't even really know you.

    If we are not in a relationship or anywhere near having sex than none of those questions are appropriate.

    My rule of thumb is don't talk about sex with me unless sex is pending.

    My advice to that virgin is that she doesn't need to discuss that stuff with anyone she is not seriously dating.

    1. talking*

      then*

      If you don't understand those things about society then i'm not sure that anyone can help you. You seem like a really smart guy.

    2. I really can't agree with this statement.

      A similar statement would be to say I guy doesn't need to tell you his sexual preference or his current STD status, until he is about to put it in.

      Fact is, just like with any significant life decision that would impact a relationship, should I decide to proceed, this plays an important part in what our future can and will be.

      I deserve to know.

  35. Though I had a really good first experience and I'm rather pleased with who my first was (we're still GREAT friends) I still wish I had waited. So, congrats to you for doing what I didn't do.

    My advice would be, like several others have mentioned, to hold off on telling guys you're a virgin. Like SFG, I'd simply say that I don't do casual sex. By the time your're ready to make a rela official, considering what you said, you'll be fine with crossing the line so your SO won't have to go without and by that time, he'll be into you enough that your virgin status won't matter to him.

    But, when you finally do cross the line, be prepared! Don't be a whack experience for the brutha. Be prepared to shadow his EVERY move and be open to anything! Do some homework. Take one of those "Stripper Move" exercise classes so you'll know HOW to do the daggon thang!

    Again, great accomplishment and I hope that your first time is a special one! 🙂

  36. Great response to this Streetz. I was a virgin well into college and I never found that it was a problem disclosing that fact. Actually, I was of the mind set that I didn't care what others thought or what they were doing….from my experience men either respected my decision, saw it has a conquest/challenge or left me alone all together, and I was cool either way it went. I either volunteered the info if I thought things would get serious or I answered candidly if asked.
    Deciding to give up your virginity is a serious matter for most women. So much changes. The flood gates open (literally) to so much both physically and emotionally. Definitely not a decision to be made lightly….again you gave her great advice. Good post

  37. I pretty much agree with the 'be honest' sentiment but only when necessary, i.e. if and when he asks. If she knows what she wants than that should be it – nothing to be ashamed of, it just is what it is. Once that gets boring/tiring/hormones take over, nature will take its course 🙂

    Also, I had never read that hobby chick post and I think it lowkey just changed my life. So glad I'm graduating in 28 days.

  38. "How does one tell potential lovers that they are virgins?"

    I think your advice was spot on. Don't introduce yourself as a virgin, but don't hide it. The topic of sex is gonna come up and when it does or as you get to know the person a little better, make it known. Stick with your decision and don't compromise as long as you can deal with the consequences (men possibly running away with the quickness).

    "Have you experienced this?"

    Yup. I'm still a virgin myself so I've dealt with this. I've gotten the shocked faces and weird looks before. People always wonder if I'm joking. It is a conscious decision to stay celibate. I used to want to wait until marriage, but now it's just waiting for the right person (ok, so the judges are telling me that statement was 73.9% ghey). Women in college knew I was a virgin and either respected my decision or, I assume, judged me behind my back. It didn't affect my enjoyable college experience. Anyway, I usually just tell women who are interested in me about my virgin status after a conversation about sex comes up or after we've been talking for a little while. It's like any other lifestyle choice. You gotta be upfront with people cause some don't want to deal with certain lifestyles and that's their right.

    1. I love how you got so many likes that your comment is yellow and it stands out…pretty much broadcasting your virgine status.

      It's cool, folks… I'm one, too. We can talk about our own. 😉

  39. Great and advice, Streetz! The Borat virgine approves. Especially since the above person's situation is/was ('was" in terms of age… I'm older of course) so close to mine.

  40. This was too long ago for me to remember, but I would probably tell my daughter to keep it to herself and if she's really feeling the guy tell him before things get too hot and heavy. Learn to read actions and reactions from men. The way he acts toward you after you tell him will let you know whether or not his intentions are sincere or not. Maybe I'm being too simplistic, but you don't want your first experience to be a bad one if possible.

  41. Last night's Family Guy was about teaching abstinence in the HS, and Meg and her boyfriend decided to abstain. They decided that ear s*x was the best way for them to express their intimacy without going all the way. The news broadcast reports on the abstinence program, and the new trend of ear s*x. So, the reporter says at the end of the broadcast, "which as led to the new saying, Once you go black, ou go deaf." At the time, I thought that was the funniest shyt ever. I cried laughing at, and had to rewind it just so I could hear it again. lol. "once you go black, you go deaf." lol.

    *sigh* it really doesn't take much to put a smile on my face…

  42. Personally I don't even see the point in you even telling the guy unless you realize this is the guy you want to have s*x with. Most guys in college automatically assume whether or not you're virgin based off of your demeanor. If you're quiet and really lowkey I feel like most ppl will assume you're not giving anything up. If you're one of those loud girls always at the club yeah they probably think you're willing to give it up. Besides guys will try and be slick about discovering your sex status anyways by saying little sexual things just to see how you react (personal opinion).

    There are some guys I have discovered who don't like dating virgins. I haven't exactly figured out why, but I guess they think it's too much drama. Maybe they think she'll become a clinger if they take it from her…

  43. <blockquote cite="comment-295780">

    il Duce the Grand Nagus, Master of the Rules of Acquisition:

    If we are not in a relationship or anywhere near having sex than none of those questions are appropriate.

    My rule of thumb is don’t talk about sex with me unless sex is pending.

    My advice to that virgin is that she doesn’t need to discuss that stuff with anyone she is not seriously dating.

    I've taken half the day to absorb the comments today. Truthfully, I don't see the point in telling people my sexual history or lack thereof to anyone until we are at the place where we are considering serious/exclusive relationship. However, I believe honesty is the best policy and if you can't hang with the decision I've made for my life- then its no love lost.

  44. I liked your advice Streetz…

    As a former proud virgin I say this.

    Tell them. It's a badge of honor.

    Make sure he's your friend and not some sucker trying to get a nut. This is key but most important.

    If you're not about s*x before marriage be about no s*x before marriage, fingers and toys count. (not their tongue though, no penetration matters)

    Don't fall for the "let me just taste it" tid bit either…

    Don't touch the p*nis unless you're gonna do something with it, being labelled a tease is not what's up. You must maintain some integrity about your virginity.

    Never allow yourself to be talked out of your comfort zone.

    That's my two cents. Gotta get back to the plantation….

  45. <blockquote cite="comment-295875">

    LoveB_Jones: Personally I don’t even see the point in you even telling the guy unless you realize this is the guy you want to have s*x with. Most guys in college automatically assume whether or not you’re virgin based off of your demeanor.P>

    Yes. This is so true. You really don't have to say it.

    And yes when I was in college it's not that I didn't want to deal with virgins. It was just that I wanted s*x and was not interested in being in a serious relationship and waiting a year or two for the s*x. In my mind "virgin" meant "she wants a relationship." I was not lookin for a relationship when I was 19.

  46. <blockquote cite="comment-295897">

    Dr. J: talking*then*If you don’t understand those things about society then i’m not sure that anyone can help you. You seem like a really smart guy.

    Yeah I'm tryin to picture Johnny Carson and Ed McMann in 1970 interviewing Ellen and saying "So Ellen word is you are a queer?"

    It's only in the las 20 years or so that asking personal questions like that to people you don't know has become acceptable. I personally think it is poor taste.

    Trust me…If a female I don't know asks me an inappropriate question I've been known to answer "Why you plan on ufckin me?" ROFL Cause if not Stay the Ufck out my business.

      1. It's easy. Just remove the filter between your brain and mouth. I never lie cause the truth is so much funnier. LOL

        1. Slim set this one aside, this might be the worst piece of advice i've ever seen a man give a young man. "Stop thinking about what you say before you say it." So that's the secret? I been missing out.

        2. @il Duce the Grand Nagus

          To be a true spectacuar as$hole, in my opinion… You have to have an above average s.ex game You just have to be extremely selfish, see women as completely beneath you… & Be able to play the caring guy once & a while…

          For me that takes 2-3 months of hard work to be that guy… But I will work on it… It is worth it the end…

          I have no real comment for the virginity talks…

          I WILL SAY THIS THOUGH…

          My virginity story is BETTER than when I allowed my self to get played by my first love Dee…

          I think I will take up TMIMITW offer & submit a guest post… and let y'all ride out on it…

  47. Great advice Streetz.
    Losing your virginity is a decision only you could make, its another chapter in your book of life. Its going to teach a lot of things about yourself, things you thought you knew (especially ur emotions). It’s great to seek out the advice of others that have been through similar experiences. When I was thinking about losing my virginity I got the best piece of advice from my friend. She told me once I have sex I going to go wild and I’m going to crave for it every day because a) it’s something new b) you’re doing it with someone you love and care for (best kind you can have).

    My friend was a bird (thx Dr. J) reason she gave me this advice. These were the reason I waited a while before I have sex.

    I was young he was older, when I made the decision to do it for the first time he asked right before it happened if this is what I wanted and told me that it was alright if I didn’t want to. We stayed together for 5yrs, today he is now married with kids but remains my best friend and con’t to give me advice about dating.

    I guess I’m not adding anything new to the discussion. Just make sure that the decision is yours and trust me you will know when the time is right and who the right person is. And before you do go to your local clinic and get educated about everything….

  48. I'm a virgin myself and if the guy is someone you care about, then be straight with him. If he truly cares about you, he would respect you and would either wait until you are ready or tell you straight up that he can't deal with it and roll out. Of course not all men will be candid and will try to run games with you but at the end of the day you have to rely on your instinct to discern the reals from the fakes.

  49. I was a late bloomer. Didn't lose it til my mid twenties to my first love and the day after it happened was craziness. I was randomly crying and then laughing maniacally and I spent a loong time staring at the wall in an absolute daze. I knew I loved him and that he loved and cared for me but I was still so confused. It felt like the end of a chapter in my life. I kept asking myself (and him)…now what? Like I half expected him to run away now. I didn't realize how special virginity was to me until I lost it.

    I would absolutely urge this girl to only tell someone who she feels is a serious candidate for the goods. Sex, especially first time sex is the Big Deal some like to pretend it isn't.

  50. to the writer of the letter…

    Be true to yourself, and your reasoning why/when you wanna give it up.

    Let people know, but i don't think it's something you have to shout from the mountaintops, ya-see-me

    there are many guys that won't wait, alotta us menfolk think tappin' should be mandatory…

    but there are men out there that will wait, and there are men that are virgins. we do exist, ya-see-me

    "Does anyone thinks Streetz advice changes in post graduate life?" – MsJay

    Less people in your business unless you put it out there, mainly. especially if you're in a big city with a wide circle of friends. ya-see-me

  51. Some of these comments are interesting and troubling to say the least. The V-card talk is one of the hardest conversations to have, with the celibacy talk coming close second. I can empathize with the women because I'm in a similar situation. One of the most challenging things about society is the lack of a pluralist view when it comes to sex. Being sexually active is just as much of a choice as being non-active. Virgins are treated as if they carry some plague or tokened. That's not to say that dealing with a virgin should be everyone's piece of pie, to each their own.

    Personally, I'm all about truth from the gun. That's not to say that the first thing out of a person's mouth is "hey I'm a virgin!" Letting someone know as soon as the topic comes up allows that person full disclosure and the opportunity to decide if they want to carry on. Unfortunately, men evading upon disclosure is a common situation. You can't really blame them. If they're looking for sex on the regular and your not providing, what's a dude to do?

    That is not to say that all men run at the sight of a virgin but it's hard to stick the course in a college scene. It's better to have a dude evade then date you while getting laid on the side. Stick with your guns on what you're trying to do…if it's not marriage, then wait for the good dude.

    The Afronista's Guide

  52. I’m a 21 yr old college student & I’m still a virgin so I have the same problem…i just go by my own don’t ask don’t tell policy…some guys can tell others can’t but either way they’re gonna respect it…i feel like when the times right I’ll just know so until then don’t do anything until you’re ready.

  53. I'm 22, and undergrad was the same for me in the beginning. I pretty much became a serial dater and I eventually could tell the ones who thought they could *smoove* me out my drawls, fake the funk just to be "the one", and those who genuinely were interested but didn't particularly want to wait – although none of these men would be honest up front. My advice is to go by your inner voice, if you get that feeling of discomfort when he asks, like it's too soon/awkward/I don't even see you like that, then by all means don't tell. Otherwise, it's an okay third date conversation. I say avoid the awkward newness thing coz these men don't know you and you're not sure of their intentions – that's how they go telling the whole campus. If you have some kind of rapport with a person, or lightweight friendship building, they're less apt to go telling everyone your sexual status.

  54. I’m 22, and undergrad was the same for me in the beginning. I pretty much became a serial dater and I eventually could tell the ones who thought they could *smoove* me out my drawls, fake the funk just to be “the one”, and those who genuinely were interested but didn’t particularly want to wait – although none of these men would be honest up front. My advice is to go by your inner voice, if you get that feeling of discomfort when he asks, like it’s too soon/awkward/I don’t even see you like that, then by all means don’t tell. Otherwise, it’s an okay third date conversation. I say avoid the awkward newness thing coz these men don’t know you and you’re not sure of their intentions – that’s how they go telling the whole campus. If you have some kind of rapport with a person, or lightweight friendship building, they’re less apt to go telling everyone your sexual status.

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