‘Tis the season of the grownest and sexiest event of them all, the Spring/Summer wedding. All the months of planning, arguing, overspending budgets, last minute changes and furious weight loss finally culminate on one day of beautiful, marital bliss. No matter how you feel about the institution of marriage itself, you can’t help but feel some joy for the Mr. and Mrs. to be when you get the invite in the mail, unless you’re a complete hater, which means you’ll probably say something like “That heffer better not wear white”. In any event, if you decide to go, here are a
list of things that annoy me few tips on what I like to call Wedding Etiquette.
If You’re Late, Skip the Ceremony
There’s nothing more annoying than hearing someone walk in late during a wedding. Historically, walking in quietly never really seems to work, so if you’ve gotten word that the ceremony has already started, or you get there and there isn’t a gathering of people standing outside, just start making your way to the reception. You won’t feel like complete jerk for having everyone turn around in the middle of ceremony to watch you walk in, and you can probably take this time to go pick up a card, since you’re probably showing up empty handed and tardy.
Dance With Caution
If you can’t dance…just sit down. Your RSVP doesn’t require you to embarrass yourself nor does it entitle you to torture the other attendees with your rendition of “Thriller”. If you feel that you must dance, wait until the Electric Slide and/or the Cha Cha Slides break out, that way you can mask your rhythm issues.
Now if you don’t have rhythm issues, by all means, dance the night away, but know your audience. If you’re amongst mostly friends and family, I suppose it’s not a bad idea to break out that Bogle/Heel Toe/Sweep combo you’ve been working on since Miami Carnival, but if your boss invites you to his daughter’s wedding and most of the people there look like they listened to NPR on the car ride in, popping, locking and dropping is not the best idea. You could probably teach them How to Dougie though.
A quick word to my Greek friends: 1. strolling is not dancing, 2. unless you’re at the wedding of a greek super couple, resist the urge to turn the reception into a greek picnic, 3. remember you might have to hymn it up at the reception, so learn the damn words. Blaming it on the alcohol is the oldest excuse in the book and you know we don’t believe you.
Act Like You’ve Been Out Before
The second question your black friends will ask you after they find out you’re getting married is “Open Bar right?”. While many a night has been spent tossing and turning trying to decide if the napkins should be marigold or sunflower, 60 percent of the guest list really only cares about what kind of scotch will be served at the bar, and plan to drink their friends into debt before the ink is dry on the marriage license. Everyone loves a good open bar, but don’t take it overboard. Being mad thirsty because free liquor is available is never a good look, especially if you can’t hold said liquor. You’re not going to score points with the bridesmaid you’re trying impress smelling like throw up.
Don’t Burn The Toast
At most of the weddings I’ve been to, they usually only let the wedding party say a few words, but I have found myself at a few weddings where the MC thought it was a good idea to open it up to the floor and let everyone get their two cents. Say a few words if the power of Christ compels you, but choose your words wisely. Things like “Thank God she’s finally married” or “I thought he’d never leave them hos alone” may get some awkward laughs, but it’s more uncomfortable than amusing. Stay away from that “May all your up and downs be in the bedroom” line. Worst line ever.
Showing up late and hoppin’ all night,
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