Monogamy isn’t natural for men. It’s in our instinct to want to conquer early — not to be confused with premature ejaculation which inevitably happens to many of us and leads to a penile pep talk — and often. It’s no surprise that so many men
wish death upon me end up sliding off on their girlfriends, wives, or pseudo significant others. It’s like trying to get a vampire not to drink blood. That’d be silliness in its purest form.
Some of you probably vehemently disagree. Others are probably pounding their desks and cosigning. I have an idea of what the gender breakdown looks like for each side. More than likely it’s as lopsided as a boob job done by Stevie Wonder.
I recently had the chance to live tweet another panel discussion put on by Together Apart. This one was officially titled Multiple Choice: Monogamy, Cheating, and Dealing with the Side Piece. And as you can tell, it was about monogamy, cheating, and dealing with the side piece. Of the topics that have been beat over the head, this one is an immortal horse still capable of winning the Kentucky Derby. It was the first time that I got to attend a live event on the subject and capture the thoughts of those in the room as well as those that follow me and Together Apart on Twitter. The honesty was beyond brutal, but everybody in attendance walked away with some thoughts that they took to the club, their cheating ass boo that they’ve been denying is a cheating ass boo, or their church group the next day.
In the interest of attention spans and straying from my verbosity, I’ve composed a list of random thoughts and quotes that came from the panel or the recesses of my mind that could have easily been 2500 words down to something much less. The context for each of these isn’t as important as the fact they made me think and hopefully they do the same for you.
Black people are judgmental as sh*t.
Now that I think about it, sh*t isn’t actually judgmental but that’s besides the point. As I was tweeting some of the quotes from admitted cheaters, side pieces, and a couple on the panel that’s in an open marriage, I noticed a familiar trend.
We love to condemn, jeer, boo, and hiss like no other. The folks in the room knew to come to this event with an open mind and that the purpose is to be challenged in their thinking (I did see people getting shifty though). It’s not as easy to get that across on Twitter.
What do relationships and occupations/jobs have in common nowadays? Lack of loyalty.
Since humans are self-preserving, we’re inherently selfish. Think about when you’re looking for a gig. You do your research, you know what type of place you wanna work (your list), you lie and embellish during the interview, then you get the gig. Once you get the gig and it’s served its purpose or isn’t as satisfying as when you started, you begin perusing job boards or asking around about other opportunities. Insert a stat about the divorce rate and what often happens in relationships after the peachy phase ends and you have the parallel. Loyalty is about as obsolete as chivalry.
“A man doesn’t wanna chase. A man wants to please a woman.” – Kenya Stevens of JujuMama LLC.
Kenya is in an open marriage with her husband, Carl. She’s very strongly opinionated and I had quotes for days from her. It turns out I interviewed these 2 last June when I was helping out with the Modern Day Matchmaker Live event in NYC. Anyways, this quote got a very positive reaction from the audience and I cosigned. It probably explains why I’ve always been more concerned with the quality of my encounters and less with the number of bodies accumulated in a word document. 100% testosterone and tiger’s blood.
“Cheating is 1 of the most ridic words in our vocabulary when it comes to a relationship because we aren’t playing a game” – Kenya
I told you. Quotes for days. But seriously, I never thought of it this way. Personally, I abhor games in dating and relationships. They are the bane of my existence and make me Cottonelle soft where I shouldn’t be.
“Scientific definition of monogamy is that a person only has sex with one person during their life even if that person passes.” -Kenya
I haven’t looked this up and won’t look it up. But if this is true, I don’t like science.
Most of us aren’t comfortable with unfiltered honesty and communication in our relationships because of the potential implications…and selfishness.
Carl was telling the audience a story about how he walked into his house one day and said told Kenya that he felt like he was falling in love with a colleague of his. Though she didn’t like it, she appreciated his honesty and they worked through it. Truth be told, I wouldn’t walk in and say that sh*t. Nope. No way. But I do strive to achieve that level of honesty so that I’m not omitting something that plagues my mind daily.
“After being married 16 years, the love changes and it’s different. You experience a hormonal cocktail in 1st 2 years…” -Kenya & Carl
This isn’t much different than any relationship. A lot of people don’t know what to do when the cocktail pleasantness wears off and the hangover of real life sets in. Relationships are much more work than a couple Advil and a bottle of Pedialyte.
“Men are bred to give women the answers they want to hear.” -Erich Williams
The quote speaks for itself, but let me tell you a bit about this guy.
Erich was the most brutal with his honesty. His candidness was like an enlightening kick to the nuts for everybody. He’s a bit older than the average person perusing SBM. But if this man blogged, he’d have 1 million subscribers. Erich mentioned during the discussion that he used his wedding ring to attract women at times. It was like setting a trap to catch prey and it had a very high success rate. Erich also spoke of how he set out to go after women in relationships to get them to break their own moral code. Not loving himself made him want to make others not love themselves. That sh*t is deep. Misery loves company.
“If you have a partner whose ego strength is weakened, they’re going to seek narcissism and accomplishment elsewhere.” – @ShawnaMarieTV
Shawna was the resident in-house therapist offering up thoughts after each discussion topic. She always says something empowering or enlightening that makes me wanna change the world or start an inspirational blog.
“Being the side piece to chicks gave me all sorts of trust issues when I got in relationships” -Chris “Kazi” Rolle
Kazi is the founder of Together Apart. I understood exactly what he was saying with this one. As a man that once laid next to a chick that called her boyfriend to tell him she was out with her girls as she simultaneously worked to make Staff Sergeant Pumpington stand at attention, I questioned women for a while after the after-glow wore off. To this day, I’m still cautious. When you do dirt or are involved with dirt, it’s difficult to get your mind out of the mud.
“Once a cheater always a cheater isn’t necessarily true. They become repeaters if they don’t suffer consequences.” –Ruth Houston
“The misconception about infidelity is that you can do it and come out unscathed.” -Ruth
Ruth is an infidelity expert and the author of Is He Cheating on You – 829 Telltale Signs. These quotes are for the enablers and those that think what they do in the dark will never come into the light.
“The purpose of a relationship is to grow your character.” -Kenya
This one turned out to be kinda controversial on Twitter. I think that part of the purpose of a relationship is to grow character, but I can’t cosign that it is thee purpose.
“You don’t have to cheat to get love. You can get a dog.” -Carl
That’s just funny and a great way to wrap up this post. What do you think of the quotes and thoughts shared? Do you agree or disagree? Do you think monogamy is natural for men…and women? Could you see yourself telling your significant other than you’re falling in love with somebody else? Other thoughts?
Listening to women call their men while I lay next to them since that one time I mentioned,
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