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In My Time of Villainy

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Her: "You Matter." Him: "You Matter to me too." Her: "It's not the Same ..."

In all the realms of fantasy – from comic books to novels, cartoons to cinema, there are heroes and villains. Heroes are possessed of impeccable character – they save things, solve problems, get the girl and keep the girl happy. Villains on the other hand are the destroyers of worlds, they are hell-bent on making life miserable for those they encounter, they convince the girl of their redemptive character only to rip her heart out just as her faith begins to blossom. That’s all fantasy though in real life, things aren’t always so black and white. We’re all possessed with the ability to be both hero and villain. In the blogsphere, we men often like to present ourselves as proverbial unicorns; the dudes that are different from all the other dudes. While some of us might be, most of us aren’t. In today’s post I want to tell you about a time in my life where the opportunity to be a hero presented itself, but I instead made the conscious decision to go the other way.

One of the last relationships I had before I started dating the woman that would become my wife was with a young woman we’ll call Nicole. Now, Nicole was one of the most dynamic people I’d ever met. Most of you who have been reading me for a while now have probably gathered that I think I’m a pretty intelligent dude. It’s rare that I meet people who I consider to be peers, or, intellectual superiors. Nicole was that. She got all of my jokes, on every level the jokes could be “got,” she’d read every book I’d ever read (and a few I hadn’t), she was up on politics, music and culture, and she could match wits with the best.  Besides all that, she was really attractive. She had a pretty face, was kind of short, and a lil thick in all the right places. We met in winter’s dusk, while it was still cold enough to spend whole Saturdays snuggled up under the covers with candles burning, music playing, in deep, random conversation; and we dated through the start of summer, when the weather was perfect for long walks, ice cream cones and spontaneous stops at cafes with outdoor seating.

But for everything wonderful about Nicole, and for all the wonderful times we’d had together, there was always this underlying issue that prevented me from fully letting myself go. She was damaged. She’d experienced the sort of emotional trauma that one only experiences when every love you’ve ever had, whether requited or unrequited, is ripped away for reasons you come to accept, but never really reconcile. One spring night, laying in bed, talking about nothing, she suddenly shifted the conversation, and made it about something. That conversation ended up forever altering our relationship.

See Also:  Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

Nicole: J …

Me: What’s up?

Nicole: You matter. (said flatly, with little emotion.)

Me: What do you mean?

Nicole: Don’t be dense, I know you know exactly what I’m saying.

Me: I know … I know what you’re saying. You matter to me too.

Nicole: I know I “matter” to you, but, it’s not the same.

Me: How?

Nicole: When we met, I didn’t know what box to put you in. I was just getting over (so&so) and was finally beginning to accept the fact that lasting love, for me, just wasn’t in the cards. I was beginning to be o.k. with that. But your hopeless naiveté when it comes to matters of the heart is just … f*cking contagious.

(She was speaking with an unreal amount of clarity and dispassionate precision of thought)

I’m not saying I love you, but … I just hate the fact that I know that I could love you because I know that, no matter how much you care, and no matter how much I matter to you, I know you’re never going to love me.

Me: You over thinking all of this. How can either of us say how we’ll feel about each other in the future. I know I’ve loved each moment I’ve spent with you so far – how do you know I won’t be enjoying these moments for another 6 months, a year, two years – forever. You don’t. So, why even talk about this. Let’s just enjoy now.

Nicole: I do know. And if I know you, you know too. I’m clear on where we’re going. And yeah, I too love the time we spend together.  I just wish I didn’t because when this is over, you’ll be fine … you’ll be absolutely fine and the modicum of hope I feel in fleeting moments we’re together will be gone – again. (she shook her head a little, and gave an accepting giggle)

Me: So why don’t we just stop here … go our separate ways now. (I said this kind of feigning annoyance)

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Nicole: You know why. Because …  part of me kinda hopes I’m wrong.

Me: You might be.

Nicole: I’m not.  Just promise me one thing though.

Me: What’s that?

Nicole: Whatever happens, let’s stay friends. Keep in touch with each other. I know this won’t work, but, if what we have is as at all special, that’s the least we can do.

Me: I promise.

I could feel it happening in the middle of that conversation. Every single word she said was absolutely true and now that all the cards were sitting on the table – face up – playing the game further seemed futile. Her ability to accurately perceive our future and the heart it took to be honest enough with herself and me to actually say it out loud was an endearing and repelling affront to our us. Over the next couple months, things just weren’t the same – for me. I could see her pushing forward, fighting to make it work, fighting against her own intelligence, instincts and prophecy. And I could see myself slowly but surely becoming disinterested and withdrawing.

By the time the end came, my phone calls to her were strangely obligatory and her phone calls to me were rarely answered and sometimes not returned. She sent me a card in the mail to wish me happy birthday and to tell me how much she’d enjoyed our time together, each verb in the short note carefully and purposely conjugated into its past tense. She called the next day to see if I’d gotten it. I missed the call. I called back the following day to tell her I had, but she missed the call and I didn’t bother leaving a message. A week or so later she called again, and of course, I didn’t answer. She left a message saying she just wanted to say hi and to see how I was doing. She was trying to sound nonchalant, but, I could tell she didn’t want to call, that she’d been hoping I would call her and was disappointed but not surprised that I hadn’t. That message was the last time I ever heard her voice. I never called back. I was given the opportunity to be her hero and instead, for reasons I still haven’t quite figured out, decided to just disappear.

See Also:  The Great Gatsby Complex: When Your Perception Clouds Your Reality

A few years later, I was holiday shopping in midtown; in one hand were bags filled with gifts all wrapped and ready to go under the tree and in the other was the hand of my then fiancé. Walking towards me, was Nicole. My heart jumped a little when I recognized her. As we got closer and were about to pass, I started to open my mouth to speak when she looked me dead in my eyes, recognized who I was and looked away. I wanted to say something, but that brief, almost imperceptible look she gave spoke volumes. Her eyes pleaded with me, implored me to just leave her be and let this moment pass as if it had never happened. She kept walking without breaking stride and without looking back. I remembered then the promise I’d made and broken, and I realized that my promise, to her, had mattered. I realized that no matter what I did with the rest of my life, no matter how many peoples lives I positively affected, no matter how much of a hero I am to my wife, for Nicole, I would be – forever and always – a villain.

SBM fam, do you all have people in your life who will always be villains? Or, maybe you’re the villain. Maybe you know that, for someone on this Earth, the thought of you will always inspire heartache. Share your stories. It’s Friday, vent it all now and then, the plan is, to drink tonight until pain’s over – we not even gonna worry about tomorrow’s hangover.

See yall in two Fridays – till then…

Stay Low and Keep Firing.

P.S. Please make sure you take the time to nominate/vote for Single Black Male in the Black Weblog Awards. It will take just a couple minutes of your time and will be important to our future success. Targeted categories for us include Best Design, Best Group Blog, Best Sex and Relationship Blog, Best Lifestyle Blog, Best Blog Post Series (Please use THIS URL), and Blog of the Year. Thanks in advance for your support!

Comment(187)

  1. Um…actual tears over here. Eff you and The Office! Why everyone trying to make me cry?!

    Really though, amazing writing and powerful truths. On behalf of Nicole, thanks for letting her walk away without speaking and I'm glad you know your role in that situation. We're all @ssholes sometimes.

    Just wow Most, really good stuff today.

    1. ***picks up the nearest Kleenex and passes it to Star***

      I co-sign.

      My ex and I are each others villains. Quite sad actually.

      Great post Most.

    2. YES!

      This part got me:

      "When we met, I didn’t know what box to put you in. I was just getting over (so&so) and was finally beginning to accept the fact that lasting love, for me, just wasn’t in the cards. I was beginning to be o.k. with that. But your hopeless naiveté when it comes to matters of the heart is just … f*cking contagious. I’m not saying I love you, but … I just hate the fact that I know that I could love you because I know that, no matter how much you care, and no matter how much I matter to you, I know you’re never going to love me."

      Damn… thats real. I've actually felt this way before about someone, but never actually said it.

      I'm going to be thinking about his ALL day…

      1. Very good post…and right on time as Nicole and I are in a similar place, one I'll explain later. But, that quote from her is real. It's sad and raw, but real. The hardest part is acknowledging that it's only real if you believe it to be. Love can be in the cards, you just have to be open to experience it…and risk the hurt that can come along with it. Often a price many don't want to pay.

  2. Oh wow… Most… so wrong… but it happens…

    I can probably speak for my ex-fiance and myself that we're both each other's heartache, there was just too much pain and hurtfullness as much as there was love. As of now I know for a fact I am their villain and I dont know if I like that or not… i know that the mere mention of my name has his current significant other saying the most deplorable things that one can say to another female in which their significant other shared almost 5 years of their life with… what I do love and enjoy tho is her major insecurity that she has of herself and of him when it comes to me… i dont know what it is or why shes so insecure but i enjoy it… hehe… I am the Villain…

    1. Ugh stupid phone! Wasnt done and posted it… 🙁

      Anyways what I was gonna say was that this post is indeed a powerful one and a great opener definitely put myself in her shoes and it hurt as much to realize things…

      Amazing Most, pure genious

    2. "what I do love and enjoy tho is her major insecurity that she has of herself and of him when it comes to me… i dont know what it is or why shes so insecure but i enjoy it…"

      Hilariously evil Lola, but also in good keeping with the post. Sometimes, as people – good people even – we can't our villainy. That was the whole point. Thanks for being honest and keeping it 100 at always…

  3. Most, OMG – do we know eachother? LOL I am sadly emotional probably because its almost 2AM and I had a slightly familiar conversation not too long ago. In talking to my best guy friend tonight he confirmed I was indeed a saboteur and that I need to fix that because I was far too beautiful, too intelligent, too too much to not have everything that I want in this life.

    So although I wanted "him" to be the villain…….after reading this sadly I can see her in the mirror. TMI for sure but thank you wholeheartedly!

    I just exhaled and probably can sleep now LOL – I can't wait to read what other stories will come forth today!

    1. *sigh* I loveTMIMITW, I can see it now all of us girls sitting around in a circle holding hands with him as the leader of our "Exhale" group……Love the sensitive intellectuals

        1. <blockquote cite="comment-302302">

          Muze: i dont’ know if this was supposed to make me crack up, but it did. that visual is just… lmbo.

          Lol yea I wasnt serious….just being ridiculous so please do laugh it was a joke!

  4. I too got a lil teary-eyed. This is real. Too real.

    I just had a conversation with myself today about something along these lines, and will probably be having a conversation with my villain in the next few days, although I doubt it will be as eloquent as yours. I'm too much of a closeted hothead for that.

    I don't know of any situation where I've been the villain. I'm pretty there's an ex out there that would beg to differ, but it's never been brought to my attention. Hope it never happens. I also hope that I never end up being "Nicole in the mall". Yeesh! I can't imagine how much her heart hurt seeing you.

    1. I keep waiting to run into him…by God's grace I haven't yet. I'm fairly certain I'll smile, nod, tear up and scurry away, I'm not ready for that.

    2. <blockquote cite="comment-302282">

      SimplyMeRenee:

      I also hope that I never end up being “Nicole in the mall”. Yeesh! I can’t imagine how much her heart hurt seeing you.

      right. with his fabulous new fiancee. that's gotta suck on all levels of suckdom.

      #pause, Slim. i know. lol

      1. Funny thing is, when my wife read the post she was like… "when did that happen." That moment when we were shopping and I saw Nicole… it was so quick and subtle that Mrs.Most didn't even notice it. She learned of this moment with the rest of y'all.

      2. I think I'd do my best "I got it all together" strut until he's out of eyesight, then run home to cry into my journal. I wouldn't even tell anyone. Can't have them questioning my G status.

  5. I'm the villian to my daughter's father. He reminds me quite often. He wanted me to be his wife and it got to a point where I wasn't seeing that in our future. I was drifting away and he was desperately trying to grasp us. I didn't enjoy breaking his heart. I'm sure I could have tried harder to salvage the rela'ship and make us a family but we were growing apart. Totally different paths in life. Now, anytime he mentions another girl, I hope it's serious so he can be happy again. Being the villian's no fun for me.

  6. this is beautifully written. kudos. kudos. kudos.

    i know that i am indeed the Cruella Deville for two people in my past. it's hard when you realize that no matter what, you will always be the bad guy to that person. no matter the intentions behind your actions, no matter how misunderstood or miscommunicated the situation was, there is no redemption for you in their mind. i hope she reads the site, or somehow knows someone who knows someone who sends her this link.

    i have a problem vilifying people, even when they deserve it. my hatred and even dislike meter isn't as strong as my 'they were in my life to teach me this' meter, so i don't really have any villains to speak of, in retrospect. i have people who should be, who may have been whilst amid the situation. but in everything, i've learned and grown, so i focus on the good that came of it, and let it be.

    great post.

    1. Muze, you and I "here" right now… like, Martin/Gina eye to eye move "here."

      I always see the growth and lessons learned in situations that should be hurtful, so I'm always more appreciative of the growth than anything else.

      At the same time though, I think we have to be cognizant of the fact that, some people just feel things more deeply than others. So, while they too can appreciate the growth, the level of hurt they feel is different and dominates their reflection of the particular situation more than it does ours. That's something I took away from my relationship with Nicole – that just because I'm incapable of feeling deeply, doesn't mean everyone else is too. I learned to be more responsible about how I give of myself because, to some… I might matter… like… really matter.

      1. that whole second paragraph… yep.

        i have become extremely cautious of how and whom i give of myself as well, for that very reason. i love deeply, but it takes a while, and i have an uncanny ability to get over things pretty quickly. everyone isn't like me, and i've no intentions on being another villain. lol. my nickname among my friends for like five years was "The Heartbreaker." i'm glad to have shaken that moniker off. lol.

        what's funny is in my comment on the 'ode to almost love' post, i referred to the person who deemed me a villain for several years, but also wrote me a three page letter after he got married saying how he'd just stopped loving me, like six years later. i was amazed that he'd even still have those thoughts. so you're right, some people just genuinely do feel more deeply than others.

      2. ((((applause))))

        This is the hardest thing to do for me lots of people; to look outside of the way that we experience life and consider how another could experience the exact same scenario and for neither one of you to be wrong and simultaneously you both be wrong…thing is, in life there is no clear cut Scar vs Mufasa, we all got a lil of both in us. It's our responsibility to foster the good and try to control the bad. Little curse/blessing called free will.

        Was Most an evil a-hole that was wholly responsible for Nicole and all of her feelings, history and future happiness? No. But the fact that he claims responsibility for his part of his responsibility as an person that mattered to her and shared a significant part of her life with her, well that just tells me that not only was he the villain, but that he's got a lot of, not only hero, but Grown Man in him.

        1. <blockquote cite="comment-302751">

          Starita34: This is the hardest thing to do for me lots of people; to look outside of the way that we experience life and consider how another could experience the exact same scenario and for neither one of you to be wrong and simultaneously you both be wrong…thing is, in life there is no clear cut Scar vs Mufasa, we all got a lil of both in us. It’s our responsibility to foster the good and try to control the bad. Little curse/blessing called free will.

          ALL of this!!!

    2. <blockquote cite="comment-302293">

      Muze:

      i have a problem vilifying people, even when they deserve it. my hatred and even dislike meter isn’t as strong as my ‘they were in my life to teach me this’ meter, so i don’t really have any villains to speak of, in retrospect. i have people who should be, who may have been whilst amid the situation. but in everything, i’ve learned and grown, so i focus on the good that came of it, and let it be.

      I agree with this whole thing. I don't have any villains in my life currently, but I have those who were once villains in the midst of the situation. As I've gotten older, it's become easier for me to take these hurtful situations and recognize them as opportunities to grow.

  7. Hmmm…interesting. How were you the villain when she was already damaged? I think Nicole was her own villain, not you. This situation reminds me of that stupid song, “Damaged” sung by Danity Kane. Part of the lyrics say, “My heart is damaged. How you gonna fix it, fix it.” I, for the life of me, can’t figure out women who expect men to fix a damage heart that they did not damage. The man who caused Nicole’s emotional trauma is the true villain, which in turn caused her to be her own villain. Now you’re viewing yourself as her villain. This is all Puffy’s fault. He had those girls sing that song, now Danity Kane isn’t together and everyone’s damaged.

    Okay…I’m beginning to over think this like o’girl written in the post. Lol. But seriously, I don’t see how you’re her villain. She wanted you to piece together the pieces of her shattered heart without providing you any super glue. That’s not fair. Both of you tried to stay in contact, but it just didn’t work. Life is funny like that sometimes.

    1. you know, this is a good analysis. i completely overlooked the fact that he said she was already damaged. we can do a lot of harm to ourselves and relationships by not handling things and projecting them as issues between us and someone, when it's really just us.

    2. "How were you the villain when she was already damaged? I think Nicole was her own villain, not you."

      lol… I feel you on this. You're actually right.

      However, Most seems genuinely upset that he hurt her, regardless if the hurt he inflicted was intentional or not. Maybe he's realizing that he could've handled things a little differently. Like he said… he didn't keep the promise he made to her of them being friends after it was all said and done.

      Love his heart. It always takes two to tango… and everybody's not always willing to be honest about the part that they played when relationships go sour. He's just being honest.

      We need more people in the world like this…

      1. LOL, that's definitely Most, he takes on the weight of his Lady for sure (from what he's written on these estreets. No graffiti.)

        But to Christina: damaged folks can get wronged too…notice how lovely he made this relationship sound in the lead up. How great things were. How she was his intellectual equal and they got on so well. How they had many months of shared intimacy, great times…then notice that they never even had a break up, just a drift off…tell me that you wouldn't feel some sort of way about that…

        *pulls out club to continue beating already deceased horse and become exactly what I was clowning Il Duce for doing yesterday* She was damaged, but we're are all damaged, if all we have to do to be released of all culpability is to find a chink in our mate's armor, nothing would ever be anyone's fault ever. Fault is fluid and dynamic. It's also subjective. Nicole's got some issues. So does Most. So do I. So does everyone. We all deserve respect and the best that other person has to offer. Most seems to think that he had more to offer her than her gave her and I respect him for acknowledging that. I hope it catches on.

        1. Most wasn’t Nicole’s hero because he knew she was unfixable at that moment. They did have similar interest and he did find her attractive. But her insecurities and low self-esteem triumphed all those lovely qualities he stated in the post. You have to get yourself right before you give yourself away. A villain, in my opinion, is someone who intentionally or purposely causes pain and harm. This is why I’m not viewing him as a villain. Based on the comments I read, I view QueenT’s ex-husband as a villain because he intentionally did her wrong by stepping outside their marriage. People who are incapable of fixing themselves are permanently damaged. It was selfish of Nicole to think of Most as her potential hero, when she couldn’t even save herself. It’s a burden to have a man fix the past, when he wasn’t even a part of her life at that time. Most bounced because he didn’t want to clean up a mess he didn’t make.

          It seems like he didn’t want to invest anymore time and energy in a relationship that wasn’t going to go anywhere. Would you want to be in a relationship with a man who says, “You know I love you and you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. But what we have…we aren’t going anywhere”? Would MIM have been a hero if he stayed with her even though he wasn’t feelin her anymore? So if Most is a villain for executing multiple attempts of keeping in contact and genuinely trying to maintain a friendship, what is the title for men who cheat and lie to the women they’re in relationships with?

  8. Dear Most,

    Man you got to keep it G at all times around these e-streets man, you cant be having these emotional post I will not allow it…….lololol

    Thank you for this its very emotional but it also let people know that sometimes you just have to let go no matter the consequences.

    And even though Nicole maybe upset at you I think the situation happened the way it did for a reason. I will label one person my villain and my hero. My villain because he broke me down. But also my hero because he showed that no matter how much you may love someone or think the relationship is going to get better its never worth staying. That its possible to walk away and still be better in the long run and learn to accept the decision.

    So every thing happens for a reason. Another lesson to learn in the book of life.

  9. I can admit that I have been with guys and saying that "I know we won't last, and no matter what happens let's remain friends"…it's a insecurity complex. I hate that I used to think like that.

  10. This all seems a bit contrived. Who speaks like that? Maybe you wrote it for the sake of literary terpsicority but I find the dialogue to be far too poetic for reality. To sum things up you were just being a jerk. And your story is typical of the normal, insecure, immature male and is nothing special. Don't we enjoy being villains? But thanks for sharing. 🙂

    1. You gotta love a comment that includes both the phrase "who speaks like that?" and the word terpsicority. Because you know, everyone speaks like that. :-/

      1. Anyone that is a regular here knows I have quite an extensive and prodigious vocabulary, and even I've never uttered or written the word terpsicority.

        Someone has obviously been hurt, and this post touched a nerve.

      2. terpsicority.

        Signs of doing the absolute most. It wasn't even that serious. Like we can't have stories that touch a lot of hearts. But hey, a comment is a comment. On behalf of SMB readers, we thank you for it.

    2. For the record my most of my intellectually savvy comrades have superior use of the English lexicon! Not far fetched at all!

    3. Two days in a row, Jackie? Who peed in your cereal? Or are you just drinking Carnation Instant B!tch to start your day off right? Tact be damned. Disagreement is welcomed, but you and your insulting, condescension can get the hell on.

      1. <blockquote cite="comment-302533">

        TWIsM81: Two days in a row, Jackie? Who peed in your cereal? Or are you just drinking Carnation Instant B!tch to start your day off right? Tact be damned. Disagreement is welcomed, but you and your insulting, condescension can get the hell on.

        LMAO! You never fail to slay me! you are such a comedian Loves It!

    4. I feel like Jacqueline is a smarter reincarnation of chocolate drop, shakeisha, smdh at this, merry e-mas, and every other troll that has passed through this site with notta ting to seriously contribute other than personal shots at people she knows absolutely nothing about. Maybe today's response is because she got left at the altar or something.

      If Most is immature, then I'm a f*cking infant. Waaaahhhhhh.

    5. This is the first comment in SBM history that had been hidden due to the amount of dislikes, lmaooooooooooo

      But we dont CENSOR over here, so feel free to speak your mind and be prepared for people to call you out on your BULLSH*T

  11. You know that feeling you get when you're sitting in church and everyone else seems to fade away because the pastor is talking directly to you. That pretty much explains my last five minutes while I was reading this. I haven't even read the other comments yet, I just had to start typing.

    First of all… *slow claps for Most*

    TMIMITW just made me feel completely convicted. I don't know how a situation could be completely different but exactly the same simultaneously, but let's just roll with that. Let's just say there was a perfect storm of events in my life that made me want to leave the hero game and play villain. The sad part is, it's soooo much easier being the bad guy. Scary easy. But ultimately that damn hero's conscience in me brought me around (actually more of an anti-hero, but good guy nonetheless). But sadly, my "recovery" came after I met my "Nicole". And to her I'm probably the worst villain of all… the wolf in sheep's clothing.

    Ooooh, look at the time. I gotta get myself to work. Wonder how many guys are gonna post today. Yep, that was me passing the buck off of myself. See y'all later.

    1. That feeling in church is the best and worst thing… it's like… yo, has the pastor been reading my blog or something… son is putting me on blast right now. Then you look next to you and that person is in tears and you're like… oh yea… we all sin.

      And I feel you, that's kind of how I think Nicole looks at me. Maybe not the wolf, but like, she gave me a chance to redeem what she'd lost or given up on with everyone else and I took it… for a while, but then just flushed it down the toilet.

      But son, no b*tchin though… you gotta share… lol. Hold it down for the dudes, Me and slim outchea alone. pause.

      1. <blockquote cite="comment-302604">

        TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld:

        That feeling in church is the best and worst thing… it’s like… yo, has the pastor been reading my blog or something… son is putting me on blast right now. Then you look next to you and that person is in tears and you’re like… oh yea… we all sin.

        LMAO @ "has the pastor been reading my blog"

        Negro…

    2. <blockquote cite="comment-302489">

      TWIsM81:

      You know that feeling you get when you’re sitting in church and everyone else seems to fade away because the pastor is talking directly to you.

      That's why I asked him does he know me LOL

    3. "You know that feeling you get when you’re sitting in church and everyone else seems to fade away because the pastor is talking directly to you. That pretty much explains my last five minutes while I was reading this."

      Underrated comment of the day – very apt description.

  12. <blockquote cite="comment-302389">

    Jacqueline Lee:
    This all seems a bit contrived. Who speaks like that? Maybe you wrote it for the sake of literary terpsicority but I find the dialogue to be far too poetic for reality. To sum things up you were just being a jerk. And your story is typical of the normal, insecure, immature male and is nothing special. Don’t we enjoy being villains? But thanks for sharing.

    I've been reading for a while, but first post ever (yay me!!!) Anyway, had to reply and say umm, I speak like that. Not always but in certain situations that's me. My guy now (when he's not pleased with what I'm saying) has asked me in his oh so aggravating, make me wanna curse & get ghetto on him sarcastic tone "so did you write that speech yourself??
    To answer the question tho, I've been the villian more times than I've dealt w one. Their are some guys who will call me heartbreaker to this day….and a couple who'll call me evil, cruel, heartless, cold, unable to love, super b with an itch, and some random "other stuff" o.O Hey….i used to have daddy issues, don't judge! Lol

  13. <blockquote cite="comment-302556">

    Slimuel L. Jackson:
    Welcome to the mix. Hope to see you around these parts (not private) more often and stuff.

    ……was that for me Slim? *dreamy sigh* I'm gonna be your offical(ly outta control, no shame having) blog groupie (wonder if folks will realize I was joking? Lol) Thank you for the warm welcome, I love it around these (your) parts.

  14. I've been a victim of this before.

    I once dated a chick that I, as well as everybody else, thought would be a near perfect match. We knew each other for years, developed a deep best friendship, and openly communicated. We got into a relationship and things started off well, but they also changed. Barriers went up. Communication started to fall off. The time spent together grew much more quiet than lively.

    I realized things were on the decline and I was determined to make it work because I knew the friendship was at stake, but she had already begun to mentally and emotionally check out. One day I sat down with her, put all my vulnerabilities aside, showed her my soul, and let her know I wanted things to work and would do whatever it took. She sat their silently with no emotion. It wasn't long after that one-sided conversation that I pretty much interrogated her into confessing she had quit on me months ago but didn't know how to break the news. Like a villain in a comic book with powers that defied physics, she drained my emotion, positive vibe, and energy. It took a year for me to get over it. And when I see her, I have not a word to say.

    I looked at myself this morning and realized the scar has blended in with the regular color of my skin.

    1. I've had a similar experience. from your perspective not hers. Not sure about who was the villain if anyone (now) but the emotional drainage is REAL, and it does take time to heal the "scars".

    2. This right here is why I will be extremely apprehensive about dating one of my best male friends…again.

      You know what hurts the most? When they give up on you and you're still trying to make it work…that ish hurts your soul man.

      **sighs**

    3. <blockquote cite="comment-302592">

      Slimuel L. Jackson:

      I’ve been a victim of this before.

      I looked at myself this morning and realized the scar has blended in with the regular color of my skin.

      Just wow…

      That line spoke to my soul. It was great reminder that even though the scar is technically still there, there comes a point where it blends in well enough that you are visibly reminded of it every time you look in the mirror.

      1. "realized the scar has blended in with the regular color of my skin."

        That line spoke to me too but I realized that I am still showing peoople my scar. Remind me to hit the pharmacy later for some Mederma.

    4. It's hard when people check out emotionally but stay physically. For me, it made me feel betrayed which made it even harder to get over. Sadly scars never completely go away. I hope I never run into my villain hand in hand with a woman. Atleast no time soon, I know it would hurt deeply.

      1. "It’s hard when people check out emotionally but stay physically."

        SAY IT AGAIN!

        I did that once to someone. Never did it again. I'm a fan of ripping the band-aid off fast and all that. Let people move on…

    5. <blockquote cite="comment-302592">

      Slimuel L. Jackson:

      I looked at myself this morning and realized the scar has blended in with the regular color of my skin.

      Witcho poetic self nshit. I can relate to the feeling of being given up on when you're trying to make things work. One of the absolute worst feelings. You've mustered up a tumblr post.. Sayanora :/

    6. <blockquote cite="comment-302592">

      Slimuel L. Jackson:

      Like a villain in a comic book with powers that defied physics, she drained my emotion, positive vibe, and energy. It took ayear for me to get over it. And when I see her, I have not a word to say.

      I looked at myself this morning and realized the scar has blended in with the regular color of my skin.

      this is just beautifully written up right here. you can make music.. lol

    7. I looked at myself this morning and realized the scar has blended in with the regular color of my skin.

      speechless….

  15. What you speak into your life usually comes true. She told him it wasn't going to work and that's why it didn't. So what was he supposed to do? Stick around even though he knew her heart wasn't fully in the relationship? Most is not the villan. Sounds to me like it was just bad timing. She wasn't ready.

    1. Natasha,

      Exactly the point I was trying to make. What was he supposed to do? Nicole not being ready to love and emotionally open up shouldn’t equate to Most being the villain. I guess I have to switch up my mentality and start viewing men who stay with me even though their heart isn’t in it as my hero.

  16. DEEP!

    I do believe in self-fulfilling prophecy to a large degree..sometimes, what you say out of your mouth and put into the universe does come to fruition…she put it out there and it came to pass……I wonder, had she not said anything…or perhaps said something with a more positive spin towards the future, what may have happened then….I guess we will never know. However, things do happen for a reason…..As far as when you saw her on the street…..I am guessing, she is still carrying some type of bitterness about the way things ended…because why not at least say "hello"…who says, it had to be a long drawn out conversation….I think it was childish of her to some degree…

    The issue of making promises….DON'T….never promise something that you are not sure you will be able to fulfill….when someone asks me to promise something.I just say, "I will try".

    The villain in my life is my ex-husband, I believe much like Mister and Celie of Color Purple…"until he does right by me every thing he touch gone fail"…he can't even look me in my eyes..he did me so grimy…he can't even handle that I am smiling and happy, moved on…and wishing him well…the villain can't stand when the person they expected to fail and suffer the most..stays winning!

    I don't think you were the villain in this scenario…I think, you BELIEVE you were the villain…you didn't do anything wrong…your relationship ended like a lot of other relationships end MOST…you need to let this guilt you are carrying around go…you were a good dude..I don't see what you did that was so villainess.

    1. "The issue of making promises….DON’T….never promise something that you are not sure you will be able to fulfill….when someone asks me to promise something.I just say, “I will try”."

      Real talk…

  17. great post. My thoughts are she messed up by expressing her prophecy. I think she jinxed her self. I truly believe there is power in words and she somewhat manifested them. I've been hurt before and I've put up guards, but I am definitely an optimist (with pessimistic tendencies) so I would'e tried to look beyond that feeling and hope for a better outcome.

    the part about the shopping cut me deep. my heart truly dropped. I can't imagine. actually I could feel your built up wanting to speak–and how it must felt for her to walk by as if she never knew you. D*MN B! but I also understand the pain and emotional toll a woman goes thru when she is devastated. When you give your heart to someone hoping they will handle it with such delicate care and then they don't. Pretending you don't exist/acting as if you were a stranger probably just saved her more pain because had she stopped, talked to you, etc. all of those old feelings would've come back. AND you were with another woman?! yeah. I guess I understand it.

    I'm not sure if there is anyone that would consider me a villain for always. Actually I'm pretty sure there isn't. I tried to be the hero in most of my relationships, but when the other person isn't trying to save what you are trying to save…eh to the wasteland it goes…

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-302617">

      Reecie:

      My thoughts are she messed up by expressing her prophecy. I think she jinxed her self. I truly believe there is power in words and she somewhat manifested them. I’ve been hurt before and I’ve put up guards, but I am definitely an optimist (with pessimistic tendencies) so I would’e tried to look beyond that feeling and hope for a better outcome.

      this. i've always been taught that there is power of Life and death in the tongue. and i think her expressing that was her way of telling him to prove her wrong, but when you speak something like that and put those seeds of doubt into an otherwise untainted perspective, it will almost always change things.

  18. I wouldn't call you a villain per se, but I do think that shouldn't have promised to stay friends. That being friends, you should never talk about "after the break up" unless you're trying to break up.

    I definitely think it was a self-fulfilling prophecy because she effectively changed the way you saw her and your relationship. Which eventually led to you pulling away which proved her right. I'm all for honesty, but some things, we should be keep to ourselves.

    I personally haven't experienced villainy but then again I have extremely short-term memory when it comes to wrong-doing against me. But anywho, I feel like I'm rambling as usual so I'll end it here.

  19. This was the best freaking post I’ve ever read!!! I could picture every single detail!!! Bravo my dude!!!

    Unfortunately, I am "Nicole" I’ve had that convo on more than one occasion and it sucks. Just knowing that what you have with a person could be great but probably won’t due to matters that are out of your control really really (for lack of a better word) sucks!

    I THINK IM GOING TO GO CRY NOW… (puts head down in shame.)

  20. "I remembered then the promise I’d made and broken, and I realized that my promise, to her, had mattered. I realized that no matter what I did with the rest of my life, no matter how many peoples lives I positively affected, no matter how much of a hero I am to my wife, for Nicole, I would be – forever and always – a villain."

    Wow… this got me. I LOVE your writing. Its always so honest. Deep in thought over this post. The sad part is that you were really feeling her until she threw all that negativity into the mix (bless her heart… she must have been through alot). This is another example of why you should control your thoughts, and try to be positive.

    I think I'm probably the villan to my first boyfriend. Unfortunately, he became my villan first. He was my first EVERYTHING. We lived together and planned on getting married. We started fighting alot. He left me. If you would have asked me back then, I would have NEVER thought he would have walked out on me… and the fact that he did…that did something to me.

    He came back about an month later… said he was wrong, wanted me back. We got engaged… but not because I felt the same amount of love for him. I just felt like I was SUPPOSED to marry him.He had been a part of the plan for so long. I felt like thats what was supposed to happen. He was in the military… got sent overseas shortly after we got back together. The time away definitely did not make the heart grow fonder.

    He had a lot of emotional issues… a lot of issues from his childhood. He was looking for someone to love him through all his pain and foolishness. At first… I could. I was SO devoted to him. However, I think when he left me, it completely emotionally drained me and I didn't have anything left to give him. I couldn't love him like I did before.

    Needeless to say we broke up… and it was my decision. After he came back home, he tried to get back together with me for a while, but I wasn't having it. I know that I'm kind of the one that got away for him, and I know I hurt him. Sometimes, I wish I could have hung in there and to this day I hate that I couldn't be what he needed. I'm happy now though… and I hope he's happy. But I think I might be his villan.

  21. Bravo! This was an amazing post, perfectly writen. I seriously almost cried on this train. I can't relate personally to this particular story, but I felt Nic's pain through your words.

    Again Bravo Sir!

  22. I think every woman I've ever dealt with is a villain to me in some way or another.

    Maybe that says as much about me as it does them, though.

  23. I think this is the most Emo I've seen Most in his post, lol…

    This post was a SBM classic. I'm saying that right now! 5 stars!

    I can't say that I've been a villian, but I can say that actions in relationships have led to the creation of my villian. Think of the original Michael Keaton Batman, and how Joker was born. You tried to do good, and through negligence, created a monster. A person who, like us all, might have had some lingering shadiness and character flaws, but a situation brought them to light, magnified them, and showed the essence of their true character.

    Won't go into detail, but I'll say villians only gain power as much as you give them. They may always be a thorn in your side, but if you have a high threshold for pain, that thorn will be insignificant and inconsequential.

    1. "villians only gain power as much as you give them. They may always be a thorn in your side, but if you have a high threshold for pain, that thorn will be insignificant and inconsequential."

      word.

      1. The thing I struggle with is that to ME, you have to experience varied levels of pain to get to that high tolerance level. It's like, you have to be a lush before you can drink like a fish. Lol.

        I read the Daily Love the other day, and it was on rejection. One thing that I'm chosing to meditate on is that rejection (or however you label it) only has a sting if you OWN the negative connotations people place with it. So if you believe "you're not good enough", "not lovable", "Not worthy"…you're going to feel that way, hurt because of it, and potentially perpetuate behaviors that indicate just that. But if you look at it as preparation for something better, that you ARE supposed to have it's a much easier pill to swallow.

        I'm still working on that as well.

  24. This post made me tear up a little.

    My ex husband is my villian. I felt like my life would just end when he left me. It hurt so bad I couldn't even look in the mirror without feeling broken. But his departure changed my life forever. My whole life I was a pushover who did things to make everyone happy but myself. So when he left I saw how little I had control over my own life. I was selfish and expected him to complete me. I put him on a pedestal that no man belongs on. I can honestly say that I had to hit rock bottom in order to be happy.

    For the first time in my life I can say that I love me. I had to let go of all that hurt I was carrying around since childhood. I'm a better person, mother, and friend because I focus on my own dreams and expectations. Although I will never befriend my ex or even trust him again, I forgive him. I learned so much about myself over the last two years. Sometimes its better to let the door close on a relationship. Trying to pry that door open can cause worse wounds then just leaving the door closed. This was so therapeutic for me.

    1. RXBeauty – When I read your post..it really spoke to my heart..because this is very much how I feel aboout my villain….you have to keep it moving.

      1. And in the end, ya'll were your own Heros. Way to go, the battles have only added to your life experiences and made you who you are today.

  25. Let me start off by saying, this was a great post. In reading it a lot of emotions, and tears, were stirred up…mostly because in a sense I became Nicole this week. My situation is not exactly the same, but the hurt is probably more similar than I'd like to admit. However, I do not see you as a villian nor do I see the person I was involved with as a villian. I see villians as people with agenda's that set out to hurt someone. I don't get that from your post, nor do I feel that way about my friend…to me, that would make it MUCH easier. Instead, it's extremely difficult to blame someone who you know is a good person but for whatever reason things don't work out. Now, I'm sure there could have been some better decisions made along the way, but good people make mistakes as well. That's life.

    In my personal situation I let my feelings outrun the relationship, if that makes sense. I'd gone along knowing I really cared about him, and that he cared about me as well. But, I didn't recognize that I was allowing myself to fall much deeper without and security blanket in knowing he was falling as well. I'd fooled myself about just how much I cared, so when we had our relationship altering conversation this week I was completely caught off guard and emotionally assaulted. Real shit. Talk about wind gone, nauseous…all that.

    It hurts, like hell. But I'm not mad at him, and I don't look at him like a villian. I'd shared many of my insecurities with him, and he knew my relationship past…so we were both aware of what we were dealing with. However, things change. And as much as it pains me to say that, I understand that they do and that you can't force anyone to love you the way you want them to. They have to feel it themselves, and want it for themself. Unfortunately, I ignored potential clues that we were headed in different directions because I'm a fighter and perhaps a bit naive at times.

    As many have said, time will heal. I pray that Nicole deals with her demons and most of all forgives herself. It's hard holding on to anger. It's tough pretending you don't care or ignoring the urge to smile at someone that once brought you such wonderful memories. That's a hard life to live.

    For me, I'm taking it day by day. I'm owning my responsibility and looking at what I can learn from the situation. Although sometimes I wish I thought he sucked, or was a bad person, I'm glad he's not because I don't want to become a bitter woman. I want to be a better woman because of growth. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but today I'm working on enjoying the things I do have not those I've lost. MUCH easier said than done, but I'm trying.

    Thanks again for sharing!

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-302704">

      TiffNicky:

      I wish I thought he sucked, or was a bad person, I’m glad he’s not because I don’t want to become a bitter woman.

      I am so with you – this is it RIGHT HERE! **hugs**

      1. Yup, me too…I got some Stockholm syndrome like a mug. (Not for real, I just see both of our sides, but it would be so much easier to hate him. I'm still totally in love with my "Villain" *sigh*)

    2. "Although sometimes I wish I thought he sucked, or was a bad person, I’m glad he’s not because I don’t want to become a bitter woman. I want to be a better woman because of growth. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, but today I’m working on enjoying the things I do have not those I’ve lost. MUCH easier said than done, but I’m trying. "

      We're in the same boat.

  26. I have to disagree with you (per usual). There was nothing villainous about that whole conversation or even the events that would follow. Nicole didn't "accurately" describe the future that would come, she perpetuated the past that she had gotten used to. She loved and lost, was becoming open to love again, despite her reluctance and then sabbotaged it with doubt and fear.

    You, being the man you are (or most men) responded appropriately. Not because you really thought she was right, but because you saw her emotional flaws and you probably werent ready for THAT battle. Be honest. No person disappears from someone that they vibe with on those levels without there being something there that they can't contend with at the time. That's jus my opinion, I could be wrong.

    1. I disagree with you, but I really appreciate your approach. Don't know why you should care, but I felt the need to say it. So there it is.

  27. <blockquote cite="comment-302670">

    Psyche: It’s hard when people check out emotionally but stay physically.

    The breakup that only occurs inside one person's head unbeknownst to their partner is about the meanest thing you can do to someone.

      1. It is worst than cheating because its emotional neglect and you almost (not really but) want the person to tell you they are so it makes sense.

    1. It lets the other person "move on" and heal while you're still in the relationship thinking things will be ok. So when the break up finally does happen, you're broken and the other person is already on step 3 of healing. It's unfair and I agree with Slim, I think it's a very selfish action. Check out all the way or don't check out at all!

      1. "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

        Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in

        'Cause I got time while she got freedom

        'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven

        Her best days will be some of my worst

        She finally met a man that's gonna put her first

        While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping

        'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven, even, no

        What am I suppose to do

        When the best part of me was always you and

        What am I suppose to say

        When I'm all choked up and you're okay"

        Really all of the lyrics… http://bit.ly/efq9pQ Good stuff.

        1. ahhhh i love this song.

          "i'm falling to pieeeeeces… when a heart breaks no it don't break evennnn…"

          love them. lol

  28. Great post TMIMITW.

    SBM fam, do you all have people in your life who will always be villains? Or, maybe you’re the villain. Maybe you know that, for someone on this Earth, the thought of you will always inspire heartache.

    I think by simply living life you will be a hero and a villain in the eyes of some. As a man, for every woman you do right by and give hope to you'll be a hero but for every woman you wrong – purposefully or accidentally – you will be remembered as a villain. As Streetz said, even sometimes through actions of ignorance.

    The same goes for women. There are women I "hate" if for no other reason because they made relationships I wanted to work out fail miserably, even if I logically recognize the relationship simply wasn't meant to be. At times, the ones we want the most are the ones we don't need the least.

    What I like about this post is the open, honest and frank conversation you two had in the middle. As you admitted, you could have handled things differently, but that's life. The clarity of hindsight so to speak. In the end, I think all men and women would benefit by having similar open and honest communication. "Keep it real" as the blacks like to say, while keeping it fake, in real life.

    If more people put their cards on the table face up, as you illustrated, the game would be a lot easier to play and maneuver. People won't though and that's why heroes and villains will continue to manifest themselves; deceptively playing the role of the other.

    Such is life.

  29. <blockquote cite="comment-302533">

    TWIsM81:

    Two days in a row, Jackie?Who peed in your cereal? Or are you just drinking Carnation Instant B!tch to start your day off right? Tact be damned. Disagreement is welcomed, but you and your insulting, condescension can get the hell on.

    Carnation Instant Bitch?

  30. I'm the victim! lol

    but i'd like to think my villain is just a flat out as*hole.. there's no deny that.

    I'm not sure what i thought would happened when things ended, but this fool ignored the sh*t out of me and that really hurt my feelings and it still hurts, it just feels so one-sided… lol I'm all sobbing on my pillow for weeks, while he's living his life w/o a care.. (this is like every girl's story)

    but anyways good post, at least you CARED but unfortunately Nicole would never see it, unless she secretly this blog.

    #thatisall

  31. I have to be honest, I don't think you were the villain here.

    It seemed like things were just Disney until the inevitable need to Discuss the Relationship™. I've had this happen a few times, and have even tried to stop it, but it's like a locomotive. Once it's barreling down the tracks, nothing short of a diamond ring can stop it. Nothing kills a tender, intimate moment like the sentence "I think we need to talk about our relationship."

    I'm a believer in alternate universes, paths not taken, etc. There's an alternate reality out there where Nicole quieted the voice in her head and didn't let the insecurity show. In that reality, you two are married with two kids, a pet, and dare I say it…a minivan.

  32. “It’s hard when people check out emotionally but stay physically.”

    Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt & Key Chain and I promised myself I would never ever ever ever do that again.

    Beautiful Post.

  33. TMIMITW, you done done it again!

    I'm not crying but I'm arrested. I literally feel like I'm supposed to reconcile something now…and, on top of that, I kinda pulled a 'Nicole' the other day, smh.

    Reconciling: I have 1…2…6 ex-boyfriends. I was the villian to all 6. I'm not proud of this revelation. However, I have this gift/curse that I MUST be true to myself. So, when the thrill is gone, for various reasons (some very valid ones), I have to bounce…regardless to whether my bf is finished with the rela or not. My ex's all seemed to have this "let's work through it" spirit while I was the one going, "Eh…about that…". There are 6 men that, for at least a decent period of time, despised the fact that they cared about me…while I was fine not thinking about them. I don't think I should've stayed with any of them, but I hate that I made multiple people feel that way because I repeatedly dated men with potential to be who I wanted instead of men who were what I wanted. Why couldn't they just see that, in the long run, it wouldn't work, too? -_- I have apologized to 4 of them and we are cool now (one is one of my closest male friends, lol). The remaining 2 had it coming, lol. No apology required! 🙂

    The Other Day: While talking to a friend, I revealed that my bf and I had exchanged the 'L' word. I told him that though I was happy about sharing those deep feelings with someone special to me, it also made me extremely sad because he's planning to relocate VERY far away (and neither of us do long distance relas and won't compromise on it). I also said that my "awww" moment was brief and has been replaced by this feeling of reaching the plateau…the peak…the climax. Like, "Where else can we go from here IF you're moving?!" I haven't said any of this to my bf, but I can't shake this feeling of "now what" or "stay the course for what". I've decided that I won't mention it to the bf. The words were actually approaching my lips. But, after reading this post, I think that'd make for a unnecessarily lonely summer. I'm just gonna let the chips fall where they may…

    1. Negrodamus,

      It's Starz, not Stars.

      I'm rolling on the floor laughing at that typo. This is one of those moviees that you come home late at night from clubbing and it's on the 4th or 5th Showtime channel, it's kind of dry, but the story brings you in. And you stay up for hours watching it.

      1. How you know its Starz…..you aint got cable. LOL

        But yeah…..it could be in black and white with a piano solo soundtrack. LOL Bout 14 minutes long. LOL

      2. Like that Wayne Brady/ Sidney Poitier (the daughter, not the father) movie that came on last weekend. Really corny, but kinda good for late at night/early in the morning.

  34. First off, let me say that I am slowly becoming a Stan for Most! I really look forward to your posts every other Friday. They're really insightful and cause me to reflect on myself and do a little deep thinking while I'm at work (and usually on auto-pilot trying to coast through Friday into the weekend).

    I had an opportunity to be a heroine for my ex-boyfriend, but in the end I felt like I turned out to be a villaness. When we first got together he told me about his past relationships and how other girls had hurt him (cheating, gold digging, taking kindness for weakness, etc) and I really wanted to be the one to treat him better. For the most part our relationship was dope and things were great between us, but we did have a few rough patches concerning some of his insercurities which were bought about by his past relationships. I was trying so hard to prove that I wasn't like the other girls and it seemed like he was trying equally as hard to put me in the same category as the rest of them.

    One pivotal moment in our relationship was when I met his mom. During our conversation I jokingly said something about him breaking up with me and she looked at me very seriously and said, "No he wouldn't. If y'all end up breaking up it'll be because you left him." She didn't have much emotion when she said it. It was just an honest observation of her son and his habits in his romantic relationships. Her statement made me feel even more determined to be his "great one" and outlast all of the other chicks. In the end though, I was actually the one who threw the towel in. We were just arguing more and more (well, he was arguing and I was walking away cuz I hate to fuss) and I couldn't take it. We tried to remain friends, but we all know how that goes. I hope he doesn't hate me cuz I really did try to love him the way that he deserves to be loved, but I just couldn't hang with his insercurities.

  35. *handclaps* Bravo Senor Most.

    I don't think that I'm anyone's villian… I know it sounds freighteningly angelic because I truthfully believe that most people are someone's villian, but looking over my past, I just don't see it. I do think I inspire heartache in one person but they cheated themselves out of that happiness. So when they think of me and feel heartache, it's not because of me, it's the pain I felt reflecting back onto them.

    I've experienced my fair share of villainy but I hate calling myself the helpless victim. For the most part, I chalk it up as lessons learned and move on. But occasionally, usually on the dawn new heartbreak… the victim in me has to breathe. She bubbles to the surface and I allow her to cry and mourn for a while, but to perserve my sanity she can't stay. A few moments is all she gets and then it's back to the basics.

  36. As much as I frequent the blog I should've been posted something…but this post is definitely touching on some things right now for me. And as much as I would love to tell my story and purge and all that, I think a woman is only allowed to cry publically 3xs a year in corporate america and anything I think or write will cause liquid emotions to spring forth as my situation is still fresh and current.

    What I will say though is that what villians should realize, whether conciously or not, whether you realize and accept your selfishness and role in it or not, guilt and karma are real. You cannot hide from yourself and eventually what you did will affect you.

    Trust issues are created on both ends after relationships like the one Most wrote about (and the ones most of us have been in). I keep in mind a quote that I read. For me it helps me both realize my responsibilty in my own hurt, and a reminder of what I should protect: "I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ" – Anais Nin

    1. "“I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ” – Anais Nin""

      Although this makes sense, I couldn't say this or even think it. I broke a guy's heart before and I think I took it harder than him. I don't understand how people can break people's heart and move on unaffected (not saying you have).

      1. <blockquote cite="comment-302858">

        TellyLongLegs: ““I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ” – Anais Nin”"Although this makes sense, I couldn’t say this or even think it. I broke a guy’s heart before and I think I took it harder than him. I don’t understand how people can break people’s heart and move on unaffected (not saying you have).

        They don't. Thats why I stated that you can't hide from yourself and you can't outrun your thoughts so its inevitable that eventually it will affect you. The quote that I used does make her the villian and seemingly unapologetic about it, but I'm certainly not (nor do I think many people really are) that callous and cold.

        And although the quote is harsh, so is the reality that the person you loved doesn't love or like you the same/as much/or any more. I just use it as a tool to remind myself that everyone isn't going to look out for my best interest and although some people are good, they may not necessarily be good for me. And like all things, protect that which is important to you.

        Also, have you considered that maybe you took being the villian harder than your ex because you're a woman and you're that much more in tune with your emotional side? Whether good or bad, I think as women we look at things from varied perspectives, hence why you may have empathized with him even though you caused the pain.

  37. I actually love the dialogue at the beginning. Great writing in this piece, overall.

    We have all been there. I've played the villian– I've even been the Nicole in this story, way too often.

    I call the begginning conversation the "WHERE IS THIS RELATIONSHIP GOING? CONVERSATION". I despise them.

    Anyway, I have a feeling that Nicole is fine now.

  38. <blockquote cite="comment-302738">

    Muze:

    that whole second paragraph… yep.

    i have become extremely cautious of how and whom i give of myself as well, for that very reason. i love deeply, but it takes a while, and i have an uncanny ability to get over things pretty quickly. everyone isn’t like me, and i’ve no intentions on being another villain. lol. my nickname among my friends for like five years was “The Heartbreaker.” i’m glad to have shaken that moniker off. lol.

    what’s funny is in my comment on the ‘ode to almost love’ post, i referred to the person who deemed me a villain for several years, but also wrote me a three page letter after he got married saying how he’d just stopped loving me, like six years later. i was amazed that he’d even still have those thoughts. so you’re right, some people just genuinely do feel more deeply than others.

    More deeply and/or longer. There are no guidelines when it comes to matters of the heart. And when we add past life experiences it can become a scary mass of raw emotion.

    Love doesn't leave it simply changes.

    1. i don't know about that.

      i have people i once Loved pretty deeply that i feel nothing for, now. not hate, not disdain, not Love, not even friendship. just… nothing. he's just someone in my past whom once meant a lot.

      "things used to be, now they're not." -kanye. lol

  39. Great post, Most. Villainy is something that we all do. We don't always realize it, but we're all villains and heroes.

    I can actually think of a couple of people who probably think that I think they're a villain. People who hurt me bad. In the moment, they were villains. I felt wronged. But with time and wisdom, you recognize the good that sometimes comes out of those situations and why it didn't work out the way you hoped it would. Sometimes I think back to those times and wonder if that person still thinks I harbor negative feelings towards them. I hope not.

    And I'm sure that I'm the villain to a couple of people. Not intentionally, but as a consequence of my past immaturity and/or negligence. We mess up, learn, and grow. The biggest mistake isn't messing up, but it's not learning and growing from the mess.

  40. I haven't ever loved anybody deeply enough to allow them to be hero or villain to me, but this post was absolutely wonderful to read. *takes a moment to acknowledge Most's beautiful writing style*

    I've read that some people don't think Most was the villain because Nicole spoke their outcome into existence and I have to disagree with that. A lot of women do what Nicole did and it is simply a defense mechanism – a part of the wall that hurt people build around themselves. I'm not sure exactly what Most could have done to break down that wall, but doing so would have made him her hero. Not being able to, or willing to (not sure which it is because she is not completely blameless) made him a villain to her. It is what it is, and it sucks. And makes me apprehensive about ever allowing myself to fall for someone, but those sentiments are for another day.

  41. FYI I AM JUST BEING LAZY (CAPS-ON)…NOT REALLY SCREAMING…OK!

    I WISH I COULD HAVE READ JACKIE’S COMMENT. PRAY FOR HER! DON’T ALLOW HER WORDS TO

    ADULTERATE THE POSITIVE ENERGY YOU ALL BRING TO THE SBM PICNIC TABLE.

    I AM A LURKER AS WELL… I REALLY APPRECIATE MR. MOST WRITING SKILLS. I AM SURE IF I EVER MET HIS WIFE (PROBABLY WILL ONE DAY) THAT I WILL LIKE HER TOO BECAUSE SHE IS AN EXTENSION OF HIM.

    I ENJOY ALL OF THE PEOPLE ON HERE. I REALLY LIKE ALL THE BLK MALE WRITERS ON HERE. BUT MR. MOST IS MY ANTICIPATION. HE IS A CURVED LEADER… FASHIONED BY GOD! GOD BLESS YOU MR. MOST! GOD BLESS YOU ALL! GOD BLESS YOU TOO MS JACKIE!

    I ALSO ENJOY ALL THE REGULAR MEN AND WOMEN (SBM-FAMILY) WHO COMMENT ON THIS POST.

    CARRY ON…….

    1. You CAN read it! 🙂

      Just select the 'Click here to see' link that's just below and to the right of her name.

  42. OOOH OKAY I READ IT. I HAD TO CLICK ON THE BUTTON TO SEE IT….DUH! LOL

    I NOT BLOG SAVVY YET!

    This all seems a bit contrived. Who speaks like that? Maybe you wrote it for the sake of literary terpsicority but I find the dialogue to be far too poetic for reality. To sum things up you were just being a jerk. And your story is typical of the normal, insecure, immature male and is nothing special. Don’t we enjoy being villains? But thanks for sharing.

  43. Words can't express how much I agree with this post. Thanks for putting it all on here!

    I don't think you're the villain. It seems like this relationship just fell apart like many others. Promising to maintain friendship prior to the dissolution of the relationship was where you may have went wrong. But you believed you would, didn't you? I imagine you did think you would continue communicating— I mean on paper she had the total package. Smart, attractive, conversationalist, etc. Sometimes things aren't meant to work out that way.

    The post really touched me because I've been Nicole once (or maybe I still am). I knew that something awesome could be cut short no matter how have I've tried to hold on. I've sent the card, text, and the voicemail.

    Time will tell if I see him walking hand in hand with his fiancee. I imagine that will hurt.

  44. I loved this…
    I've been in this situation, I've played both villain and hero. Unintentionally too.
    Feelings and over thinking things sometimes caused me to say things I needed to keep myself.
    I truly believe that whatever you put out in the universe will eventually come to be…
    Like you, intentions were good and being the villain is tough. I care about peoples feelings but sometimes taking their feelings into consideration is a huge compromise of your individual integrity. I must stay true to me first despite the crude label that comes with it. I'm sure that promise was made in good faith but putting your feelings on display runs the risk. That's life I guess and living by the motto "going with the flow" is key.

  45. <blockquote cite="comment-302858">

    TellyLongLegs: ““I am only responsible for my own heart, you offered yours up for the smashing my darling. Only a fool would give out such a vital organ” – Anais Nin”"

    Wow! Where'd you find this? It's so cold and heartless, but also so true. I think you do have to have some faith and trust that the other person won't break your heart, but you also have to be careful and selective as to whom you give your heart. You both have some responsibility.

  46. Uggghhhhh…… so clearly you are imitating my life right now, I just got out of this exact situation 2 months ago, and I still cry every night. After being with my man for almost 3 years, after knowing how hard it was for him to open up, after being patient, understanding, supportive yet firm, I fell in love HARD and trusted him with my heart which I've never done with any man before. I showed him the kind of family he could have, one that supports him like his own family can't. Showed him what a REAL grown relationship is about, mutual respect, fondness, fun, love, laughter, I mean we were perfect! He begged me for patience every step of the way because he was a "work in progress" (as most of us are) and because we were buliding a life together.

    Then we both were dealing with our own struggles and he turned back into the man that I knew when we first met. The man that was closed, unresponsive and unwilling to invest any more time or energy. When things ended he left my heart, my pride, my life shattered in pieces…..whew, it's a good thing that I love him because that is what keeps me centered and balanced. I feel you on this Most and I commend you for not looking back, trust me she will be better off for it, just like you were when you found your new wife. I pray for the same miracle as I move forward.

    Thanks for sharing.

  47. Nicole had to say what she felt. Bottling up feelings is not the answer to anything. Bottled up feelings spill out in other ways.

    If anything she was guilty of being perceptive of the situation. Sometimes the momentum of the actions and the events that transpired that sparked the words is so strong saying it or not saying it won't change anything.

    1. All of this! Being a strong woman and more so always seen as one – when you can verbally express it – it most times makes you feel like progress is being made in the journey because you aren't acting it out subconsciously or consciously for that matter.

      This thing is so powerful that I hope people understand – although she said this is not going to work she meant "save me from my repetitive hell of sabotage" but Most heard " you don't want me anymore" so although the communication was there it really was not………

  48. <blockquote cite="comment-302302">

    Muze: i dont’ know if this was supposed to make me crack up, but it did. that visual is just… lmbo.

    Lol yea I wasnt serious….just being ridiculous so please do laugh it was a joke!

  49. You brought me to tears, Most. Good job. lol.

    I have a villain, and I've been the villain. Actually, I think my experience with my villain turned me into a villain. After him, I didn't want to share myself with anyone, never open myself up like that again for any man. I vowed I would never allow another man to make me feel like that. So, along came a spider a great guy. And we had a great time together. But the better it got, the more I moved away, became distant, stopped answering his calls, basically relegating him to JO status, and I eventually broke all together. He was a great guy, and I felt bad about it. But, at the time, it was how I dealt with my own personal issues of not being over my villain.

    As for Nicole, I hope she seeks some therapy just to talk to someone about the emotional and mental pain from past broken relationships.

  50. This is a great post.

    Though I wouldn't call you a villain for not keeping your word. I've learned that one of greatest disservices a man can do to himself and the others around him is to make a promise that is unfair to himself or unobtainable. In this case such a promise is both unfair and unobtainable, since "friends" probably meant that she bet her damaged self on it, a lot more than "we cool." I avoid making grand promises… Her heart was broken. Even though friends are there to support you, it doesn't mean they can repair it for you.

  51. I'm sure I'm someone's villain. As for me…I don't need any. They weren't worth it so let the memory fade. Some other dude I'm sure will have to deal with her.

  52. This was a beautiful post… one of the best I have read yet. Very well written. However MOST, I''m sure that I'd classify you as the villain. I think that if we all were to evaluate our relationships, we have all broken some hearts and at times had our heart broken. In my experience , I have noticed that many times we put unrealistic expectations on each other. We like to believe that we can promise each other that there will be no disappointment or pain. The truth is that love is risky and it it exist in a lot of grey area; perhaps this is what makes finding that ONE person to share your life with so special. Was Nicole hurt? Sure she was. But I feel it was more honorable of you to let her go and disappear from her life rather than lead her own or stay present in her life knowing that she needed or wanted more than you could or were willing to provide at the time. I'd like to believe that you and she are both better off for that decision. It would have been more villainous (is that a word?) to let her linger. And who knows…. maybe this holiday season you'll run into her shopping hand in hand with her fiancee' and she'll be happy that she found someone who wanted to stay because she "mattered".

  53. Great post. I have been "Nicole" and sometimes what matters most are the things that are less obvious and that bRoKeN friendship promise was probably confirmation to her that you never really cared. You may have cared but girls like that have to believe that you never really cared and that it was all some kind of game in order to cope with the loss…even if the loss was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

  54. First off, phenomenal post… Definitely thought provoking.

    We all have our villian stories whether we choose to be honest about them or not. I give props to Nicole though! From experience I know how a womans precision with words and thought can be both a blessing and a curse for us (when used against you, as we see above). But in that what we can take away is that I had obviously gettin it some thought before presenting these "issues" to you. The reason I give her props is that I often find that women will either not bring it up, and wait for things to fall apart "naturally" or they will have the "conversation" & opt to not be 100%, which in turn doesn't really help anyone. I think in order to avoid being the villain of a relationship is by being upfront (easier said than done). I know that as men we more often than not, despise the "where-is-this-going" conversation and would rather let things play out on their own, but I believe that these convos force each party to lay their cards on the table. A persons willingness or unwillingness to do so speaks volumes, and Nicole layed Most cards on the table for him.

    Lol @ #TheGame

  55. this.

    just. all of this.

    this by far was one of the best pieces of writing i've seen online. ever.

    it was written with honestly and heart rarely seen in any form of communication.

    i think this post is quintessentially what sbm strives to be: an insight to the mind of the black male.

    every woman i know has been on the receiving end of a villainous act, and have always wondered why and how the thought process went and if the lasting effect was just as long and deep for the villain as much as it was for the victim.

    everyone speaks of being open and honest, but nicole did more than that, she made the ultimate sacrifice of vulnerability and paid the price for it. reading things like this and reflecting on all the times of giving men what they say they want (a girl to be straight up and say what she wants) – it would be easy to say..it's not worth it. keep your cards to your chest, don't let anyone in…but that is not what love is all about.

    the moral of the story: your words and your actions are what you are judged on. choose them both carefully.

    this post will make me a better person when my next relationship comes around…

    so thank you.

  56. <blockquote cite="comment-302592">

    Slimuel L. Jackson:
    I’ve been a victim of this before.

    I looked at myself this morning and realized the scar has blended in with the regular color of my skin.

    speechless….

  57. I really like and appreciate when Most and Slim speak on matters of the heart. The story of my villain would likely favour a ramble, so suffice it to say that he was eventually stripped of the pedestal on which he had been placed undeservedly; that was the best thing that could have happened as far as our personal relationship is concerned. For years running, he was the source of a good deal of heartache. I do have to take on my fair share of blame, as I was an enabler of sorts. I still care for him and vice versa, and sometimes have to remind him of the reasons why we should not cross certain lines ever again, but we've finally established the solid friendship and respect that should have preceded things that took place in our history.

  58. I'm late, but I gotta say it –

    Why are you the villain again? Maybe I misread it, but from the sounds of the story, it sounds like she was sabotaging the relationship when it was at it's best. You were supposed to fight through her games to make her stay?

    #NahSon

    That's… childish. Not a mature relationship. You can't save someone, they've got to want to be there. Regardless of what Rom Coms and movies like "The Notebook" say.

  59. I'm very late and a solid lurker. Excellent post and comments. After seeing 180, I just knew I wudnt reading them all. I did and it was all good, even the chick with the 30 hates. Y'all done run her into the woods. She'll be back in a different costume tho.

    GoodNite

  60. Pingback: There Goes My Hero
  61. I am going through this right now. He did to me what you did to Nicole. And like Nicole, I knew it. That's what hurts. That we were right after all. The one thing I wanted was to save the friendship. That didn't happen either. We don't live in the same city, thank God, but even if we did, I can't help but think we still wouldn't be talking. He is married now and with a child, and I'm still here wondering why he made me promises he had no intention of keeping.

  62. Wow at this post. Most, your writing is simply amazing. Thank you for that piece of insight into the masculine brain, and how one can become an unintentional villain.

    I expect there'll be a slew of new comments on this, as someone linked to this post on the VSB website yesterday.

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