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You Can’t Always Save the Damsel

90

 

Save her?

Joy: “I met someone else.”

I read and re-read the words plastered across my mobile. We weren’t in the middle of a conversation. We hadn’t even talked in weeks, yet I wasn’t surprised by this message’s arrival.

These were serious words. Not only because of their meaning but because of the “rules” we had established. I had instructed her not to tell me when she was dating someone, unless it became serious.

I sat down and read the words again. Did she expect a response?

“Congratulations. I guess I’m supposed to say I’m happy for you. Good luck.”

No response.

My chest hurt and my head grew light. My eyes welled but pride prohibited tears from escaping. Some might refer to this as the physical manifestation of heartbreak. I don’t know why.

Joy and I had been officially “broken up” for over a year, maybe 18 months. Damn. Had she been gone that long? Regardless, I had just visited her a month earlier, again. But, this meeting was awkward. I knew she wanted to tell me something but despite all the glossy conversations we had, the true meaning of our impromptu meet-up was never mentioned. Still, there it lurked with us through all our BS talks, feigned smiles and forced laughs. It was an ever present and unwelcomed stranger.

Even as we left her bedroom for the last time, we could see the finality of it all faintly reflected in each other’s eyes, yet neither of us had the courage to bring it up. Now, a month later, there it was in a text message. I didn’t blame her for not calling. Why blindly force our way through another awkward conversation.

She met someone else?

——————-

Months would pass before Joy reached out to me again. A simple greeting in the morning at first. I’d respond and there would be more silence. More months passed and simple greetings became daylong text conversations. Eventually she worked up the nerve to call. What started as broken conversations dominated by awkward silences soon became laughter-filled discourse; however, pretend as we might, we weren’t friends.

I could never just be her friend. I’d always love her and she knew it. It’s why she always reached out to me, while I sat bitter and silent on my end. Waiting but not expecting to hear from her again. I never ignored her but I couldn’t bring myself to contact her first. She had, after all, chosen him over me. I respected her decision, but I didn’t have to like it.

Joy: “He hit me.”

I read and re-read the words plastered across my mobile. “Leave him,” I replied. Joy rewarded my unsolicited advice with months of silence.

When she finally called again, she pretended as if the conversation that never was had never happened. I ignored it too. I knew it wouldn’t do any good. Besides, a part of me was upset that this was the man she not only left me for but also chose to remain with. She could have me back if she wanted and she knew it. But, she didn’t want it to be that simple. She wanted me to beg and plead for her to come back. She wanted me to fight for her, save her, and make her be with me – like those dominant male characters in the movies. It wasn’t going to happen.

This was real life. She made a decision and I was going to let her live with it, like a grown up. I didn’t want to tell her what to do. I wanted to be her man, not her father. It was clear we had different expectations of my role.

Eventually her month long absences stretched into years. During one particularly long break, I met another woman. My heart, embittered and battered, was not ready for love, but I was content. I figured Joy had finally moved on with her life as I was attempting to do with my own, until I received a random phone call from a familiar long distance area code.

Joy: “We broke up.”

I didn’t know how to take this new information. A part of me was infuriated by the fact that she felt she could call out the blue and deliver this news. Pulling me back into a life I was trying, albeit in vain, to move on from. Then I wondered if I had passively never changed my number in the hopes that I would one day receive this very phone call. I could never know for sure. I convinced myself that I simply never got around to it, but I had lied to myself on her behalf on more occasions than I cared to remember.

She told me that the abuse had escalated. Reaching a climax on the night he put her head through a mirror and tried to drown her in a tub. I was disgusted. With him for putting his hands on her. With her for remaining with him. And with myself for failing her.

I thought about the life I had lived in Joy’s absence while we spoke and eventually my frustration got the better of me. Our briefly pleasant conversation quickly escalated into accusations and name calling. I wondered consciously and verbally why she left and stayed with a man who verbally and physically abused her when she knew she had another man in her life who loved her and who she claimed she loved back. She accused me of letting it happen, in my failing to rescue her, I was an accomplice in her plight. Our indictments of one another fully vetted, silence fell between us.

I broke that silence. “I met someone else.”

If she was hurt, she hid it well. She told me she needed positive people in her life and hoped I could be one of them. I told her I wanted to be but I couldn’t. It took too much energy trying to be her failed prince – and I would never stop loving her. It would be unfair to the woman I was with now. Joy didn’t protest. Instead, she hastily ended the conversation and I never heard from her again.

A part of me wanted to tear through heaven and hell to reach her. I told myself that eventually I’d call but I could never think of the right words to say. Maybe I didn’t want to. I slowly accepted that although she was the woman I wanted, she was not the woman I needed. Joy was my heroin and I her cocaine. Two addicts, addicted to misery but longing for happiness. In the end, I never called but I never changed my number either…

Later, I asked a friend who had witnessed our ordeal for his advice. He objectively reminded me that we brought out the best in one another and the worst, but in the later part of our relationship, the worst surfaced more than the best. Then he told me something that brought me peace:

You can’t always save the damsel.

——————-

Have you ever tried to save “the damsel” or did some “prince” try to save you? Did you or they succeed? Have you ever remained emotionally/physically involved in a relationship that you knew was destined for failure? In the end, do you feel you stayed too long or left too early? Do you regret your decision? With the clarity of hindsight, would you make the same decision(s)?




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Comment(90)

  1. Ugh. Why we make the choices we do is so frustratingly random. Why would she choose Breezy over you? Shoot over anyone else? Yet keep you on a string…only coming to you when she needed something.

    It's horrible.

    It's cruel.

    It's heart wrenching.

    It's not fair.

    I don't know your whole story, but her blaming you for not "saving" her is such utter male bovine feces! How is that your fault? I'll tell ya: it's not.

    I feel you on the addiction. I've been there and have the tracks to prove it. Luckily I'm just stubborn enough not to call and he's kind enough or angry enough or disinterested enough to not contact me either after the 4th request and so many tears. I understand that you wanna be her everything, but she doesn't want it. She'll buy the company and piece it out for parts. In the end, you'll be destroyed.

    Fack Wis. I feel for ya, man.

    Bright side: great writing. Small consolation, but I hope it's at least cathartic.

    1. Thanks Star. This is the cliff notes version of a 'story' that unfolded many years ago. I'm good. Writing has always been "cathartic" for me, I imagine it always will be.

  2. I loved this article and I wish more men and women could read it. Saving a damsel can show valor, love and one's ability to stand in the gap on the other persons behalf but as you have shown you can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved. My hope is that in these situations you (and others like you) are not hardened by the experience. It saddens me to see both men and women pay for crimes committed against the heart. I have gained the sorrowful knowledge that hurt people, hurt people…

    I affirm you in coming to the conclusion that although she is the person you want, she is not the person you need. More of us need to learn that lesson sooner rather than later. I also find it touching that you haven't changed your number.

    I look forward to reading more of your articles. Peace and Blessings

    TonyaMichelle

  3. I was the damsel trying to save my prince, and it was my first true love. I'm in a 12-step program now, seeing his imprint in random moments and wrestling that girl with stars in her eyes down to the ground every time she tries to claw her way to his doorstep. He was a wounded man physically (having suffered paralysis and then a wheelchair basketball injury) and emotionally. I was a girl stuck in her shell who never peeked out to experience anything after being sheltered by an overzealous preacher father (putting it mildly). I tackled the long commute to deliver care packages to him and snuggle with him in hospital beds, and he showed me a level of romance and attentiveness that I never thought possible.

    In the end, our relationship didn't survive his lies, my family's mafia-style tactics to remove this "undesirable" from my life, and our collective stress. I had to break away twice before it finally took. The moment in which "the finality of it all faintly reflected in each other’s eyes" marked our last contact. What we shared was such a cosmic collision, I feel confident that I will never experience it again…but maybe that's the way it should be.

  4. I've been in almost the exact same situation multiple times. I had to finally learn that as adults we make the choices that determine our path in life, be it rocky or smooth. A song once said "Don't save her/she don't wanna be saved", and its so true.

    If the author had intervened he could have risked life and limbs for someone who didn't really have a desire at the time to be removed from the abuse. Its hard to think with the head and not the heart when its someone you love.

    1. I'm sure this is an off the cuff comment but I think it reflects the perspective of a lot of black males, so I'm responding here. No shots.

      I could provide a long rebuttal but I don’t feel it's necessary. I will say that statistically 1 in 3 women are molested/abused in some shape or form during their lifetime. I'm sure it's even higher for African American women. As such, while I respect the statement – and have even said variations of it myself before – I think a lot of black men confuse being a decent man to a woman with trying to be "captain save'm."

      #Random #Plug: Side note, I also recommend folks, especially the younger men, check out a post by NC-17: Grown Man vs. Little Boy: http://blackgirlsareeasy.blogspot.com/2011/04/gro

      1. Captain Saveah0 is such a negative way to put it…when you just look at it as being a great man to a woman, being the best man she's ever been with, as being her "hero", as being a man worthy of trust where other men have failed her before…it just sounds like a good relationship. I wouldn't say Most was a "h0" in need of saving, yet here we were on this very site last week singing the praises of him and his wife's relationship in a post where he stated that she basically "saved" him…

        …that said, Joy wanted to literally be saved, which is horse manure. I don't blame a man that doesn't want to effectively be a woman's everything. [email protected], where's the reciprocity?

  5. "Don't save her, she don't wanna be saved"

    I don't actually feel that way about this particular situation though. I think that yeah this chick wanted to be saved…but therein lies the problem. Instead of trying to be saved, she should've saved her [email protected] self. To put yourself through that kind of nonsense just to get a guy to come swoop in on his valiant steed and rescue you from your tower (yeah i just finished watching Shrek…sue me) is stupid and selfish. God forbid you had actually gone to "rescue" this chick and something ended up happening to you. She chose to make her bed and now she has to lie in it.

    1. I agree, sometimes you gotta help yourself. I can see assisting a friend, but dang she wanted him to do it all for her! #ImGood

      I can see why this would be so hard for a man…I'm glad WIM didn't give into this unhealthy pattern.

  6. My apologies WIS…she used you.

    I kept a couple of you in my back pocket over the years. A sagacious woman will always recognize a man willing to drink her bathwater. She wanted you to ever-so-gently stroke that pretty little ego of hers whenever she was in the dumps. Sure she enjoyed you to a degree but you would never be her leading man.

    If you swooped in a on white horse, she would had def jumped on, then promptly directed you to drop her off at home.

    *back to Lurkville I go*

  7. Ironically enough I was just listenin to Nicki Minaj's "Save Me"…first of all props to you for sharing such personal and intimate information! Second I think you did the right thing, now even though I don't know your entire history with this woman it just sounds me to like she didn't love you…as much as she claimed. I think she was in love with the thought of you saving her and of you fighting for her. But as a grown woman, she should be able to fight her own battles and make her own decision, as someone already mentioned. So all in all, I think that chick did you really dirty and I think she's pretty aware of that. Lastly, yes I've had someone trying to be my "Prince" and save me and even though it made me feel loved and saved, I couldn't let someone else fight my battle.

    It's like ludacris said "If you can't take the heat then get the f*ck outta the kitchen" She was suffering and could've have left, should have left but CHOSE not to.

  8. Why would she choose Breezy over you?

    ====================

    ha, this cracked me up!!! Poor breezy, he just cannot win!!!

    Nice read. Have I ever remained emotionally involved in a relationship that I knew was doomed for failure….yes!!!

    They were my weed and I was thier cocaine. We gave each other the best high and the worst low. Toxic relationships are some of the hardest to get over. You love that person so much and most probably always will but you know deep down you can’t be with them. They make you feel so good but are just not the right the person for you. They are what you want but dont need. That is why you never really fight for them. You would rather let them go and let silence bring the distance between the two of you. Truth is, it does not. Just like an addict you always go back or reach out to each other because you crave for that feeling that you had when you were with that person. A little contact makes it so much better.

    However to break the cycle, you need to make that decision to move on and want to do it. Only time can fix your heart and finding peace within yourself. It’s like a detox session, never easy and can be a long process. Finding someone else who truly makes you happy and gives you a better high also helps…

    This kind of love makes me understand addicts better.

    1. Learning to be happy with that different high is hard too. When you're used to a heroin high, this lil ole good enough weed high seems soooo…mundane. You shoot yourself in the foot, no Plaxico, because when you look back you often remember the good, but not necessarily the bad. You stay on the search for that heroin love, even though it's bad for you.

      Real talk, I feel like I'm open to love, but a quiet piece in my heart wonders if I'll love another again with the ferocity that I loved Him…and it's scares and saddens me.

      1. <blockquote cite="comment-313083">

        Starita34: Real talk, I feel like I’m open to love, but a quiet piece in my heart wonders if I’ll love another again with the ferocity that I loved Him…and it’s scares and saddens me.

        *sigh*… I'm sooooo with you on this…

  9. No knock on any of the other writers on this site, but this may have been the best, most well written piece I've read on this site. It read like a short story written for performance.

    We all have to be a (s)hero to someone, we just have to save our super human efforts who someone who wants them and can appreciate them.

    1. "We all have to be a (s)hero to someone, we just have to save our super human efforts who someone who wants them and can appreciate them."

      That too. (did you mean "…efforts FOR someone who wants them…"? I still agree.)

    2. <blockquote cite="comment-313057">

      Peyso: No knock on any of the other writers on this site, but this may have been the best, most well written piece I’ve read on this site. It read like a short story written for performance

      Yes! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.

    3. @Peyso: Thanks man. And thanks to everyone offering kudos actually. This was obviously a fairly personal post and the first one I've done on this site.

      But I'm not eeee'm gon lie, Most – because we switch off on Fridays – and the other writers are making a brother step his writing game up. lol

      It's like in the club when you see all your boys start to pull dimes around you and suddenly you in VIP by ya self with an empty bottle. I was like, "ayo, hol up!"

      *hops up off couch*

  10. This was a nice piece. However, I won't answer the questions. Opened enough wounds this month to bring tears to everyone's eyes. And of course you can always save the damsel but in doing so, you're putting yourself in his (or her) place. Someone will eventually need saving. I'm glad you got your heartbroken. Not the leaping for joy glad but just settled that people are going & putting themselves out there enough to go through life instead of being a hermit & avoiding it and avoiding pain, like it doesn't happen to everyone (if you've never felt something close to heartbreak, I think you're lying btw). It does suck though that you had to go through the pain but it was inevitable, as if every other kinda pain after any kind of injury. But I digress…

    Nice write sir.

  11. this was beautifully written. what was in it….was just real life. and it happens. male to female. female to male. but i love the way you showed us how it happened to you via the written word.

  12. Wait hold on…. (doublechecks website link) Ok this is sbm.org, I thought I was reading one of the female romance novels with Fabio on the cover.

    I never wore the Captain hat, but I have worn the First Mate uniform a few times. I guess I care deeply about the success and happiness of women I deal with and it can be a blessing and a curse at time. Especially if you aren't seeing the progress you would like.

    1. Short Story:

      I use to dog women out, bad. Simply because I could and could get away with it – I was a young, good-looking guy, from a decent upbringing dealing with young women who weren’t use to dealing with men who possessed any of these qualities. Therefore, they let me get away with everything shy of murder. These women practiced the, "It’s better to have a piece of him than none at all" mentality.

      Anyway, one day my mom overheard me calling a girl out her name for pretty much no reason at all. I found out later she was so traumatized that she didn't even say anything at the time. But she eventually pulled me aside and I could tell she was hurt, like bad. I mean she basically felt she had failed me as a mother. lol Real talk. She thought she had raised a savage. I have never felt so guilty about anything in my life before or after that conversation, which I won’t detail here. Maybe later…

      The points is, after that incident my whole perspective on life was forever altered. Especially how I treated and acted towards women. I by no means became a Saint but if I can’t respect a woman, I simply leave that woman alone rather than run over her simply because she'll let me. Further, if it is within my power, I will try not to do wrong by a woman as long as I can do so without losing myself in the process. For context, that incident with my moms happened a few months before I met the woman I discussed in this story.

      – FIN –

      1. I love your mother for that. And I like the fact that you're showing a bit more of your personal side today. Props for that.

      2. When the movie "Wisdom Is Misery" comes out in 2015, you better make sure that you include this is the movie (15 minute segment) in vivid, painful detail…

        Please & Thank You

  13. WIM! I havenever seen you write quite like this….very well done.

    I always looked as the "damsel in distress" as someone who was involuntarily taken and then the hero swoops in to save the day…..not someone who made a conscious choice to go with the villain and remain there…..I get it though, everytime things were going south with the other guy she calls you to make herself feel better….she was using you to build her self-esteem because it's obvious she didn't really have that much to remain in an abusive situation for so long…but, you will probably here from Joy again when another crisis happens in her life……it's nothing really wrong with trying to save her…but, it is just a fruitless endeavor on your part…..

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-313063">

      QueenT:

      I always looked as the “damsel in distress” as someone who was involuntarily taken and then the hero swoops in to save the day…..not someone who made a conscious choice to go with the villain and remain there

      THIS!!

  14. wow. this is greatly written. kudos. i actually had to scroll up to see who had written it. lol.

    i've been in a similar situation before.

    never again.

    that's all.

  15. Nice post, WIM!

    I read this post, and I see 2 people who wanted to be saved, and 2 people who chose the path of least resistance, for the better. Or, at least for the better for you. We don't know what became of Joy after all of this. However, the love you had for one another wasn't sufficient to carry your relationship through a successful stint in rehab, where you both came out brand new, and born again just in time for the rapture.

    I've been Joy. The guy I chose wasn't ohysically abusive, but he was a horrible person to me. I hated the man I loved, who said he loved me, for not being there for me. I hated that in all that love, he, like you, never was the first to call, text, check in, even after I laid some heavy news on him. I shouldn't have expected him to reach out. But, like you, he shouldn't have expected me to choose him, save him from his emotional turmoil, when I was going thru things he couldn't, or didn't want to, see or understand. After it was all said and done, we were both hurting, we both wanted the other person to ease our pain with that special drug, but that was the person who caused the pain in the first place. smh…

    About 2 years ago, he emailed me that he was married. lmao. I didn't respond. I had moved on, that chapter in my life was over. Unfortunately, that experience with him resulted in me keeping the door of my heart closed and locked tight.Well, its still closed, but its not locked. And I've opened the front window.

  16. Wow WIM…. This is such a great post. You and Most are shutting Fridays down with these posts.

    Although I've never been in this particular situation, there were several parts that spoke to me, especially this line…

    " I slowly accepted that although she was the woman I wanted, she was not the woman I needed. Joy was my heroin and I her cocaine. Two addicts, addicted to misery but longing for happiness."

    Fantastic job.

  17. Gotta c/s Peyso on this one…this is probably the best post I've read on SBM.

    "Have you ever remained emotionally/physically involved in a relationship that you knew was destined for failure?" Yup. I tried in vain to save a dude who was broken emotionallly. Looking back now, it was clear he wasn't capable of being in a relationship…he had too many wounds, too much baggage. Each time he would break my heart, I'd dust myself off and try again. Aaliyah. And because I was a constant in his life, when I made feeble attempts to put our relationship behind us…he's find a way to come back into my life. I allowed it, thinking he finally understood how much I cared for him. Wrong.

    I didn't meet anyone new to help aide me in leaving this joker alone for good. I guess I have time to thank.

  18. WIM,

    This piece was so beautifully written. I think I'm gonna have to read it a few more times…

    Whew!!! I'm at the point where I've got somebody that's looking for me to save them. Part of me wants to… but the other part of me knows how that turns out.

    Thanks for confirmation and for giving me some more food for thought 🙂

  19. <blockquote cite="comment-313065">

    N.I.A.naturally: I had moved on, that chapter in my life was over. Unfortunately, that experience with him resulted in me keeping the door of my heart closed and locked tight.Well, its still closed, but its not locked. And I’ve opened the front window.

    I hope someone walks in your door and is the best thing that ever happened to you. I know several people who still haven't moved on past their first real heartbreak. Good for you Nia!

  20. This post was deep and so good WIM, I read it twice. Sadly, some women (depending on their childhood and other circumstances life can bring) will always look for someone to "save them" and put up with abuse. If you did save her there is no telling how tumultuous your life might be right now. I am a firm believer in "Love is patient, Love is kind"….but no one says love has to be stupid.

    Again, great post….thanks for sharing.

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-313073">

      BP:

      I am a firm believer in “Love is patient, Love is kind”….but no one says love has to be stupid.

      Say that!

      Every person has a breaking point ya'll. I say, my love has a limit. Hilson.

  21. If y'all don't stop it with these super deep posts…diggin all in my business, lol. LOVED THIS! 🙂

    Have you ever tried to save “the damsel” or did some “prince” try to save you? – Since I tend to root for the underdog, I've inadvertantly saved a few "damsels" along the way…never lasts long though (refer to yesterdays post to know why, lol). Yes, a "prince" or two has tried to save me…tried and failed.

    Did you or they succeed? – I think I have succeeded in a strange way. It's always a benefit to them but I rarely get anything out of it. I'm always told "I've learned so much with you. You've shown me so much. I'm such a better person." The 'saving' has yet to be reciprocated in the way I need it to be though…

    Have you ever remained emotionally/physically involved in a relationship that you knew was destined for failure? – Yes…there now. Only because the 'failure' is more of a bad timing issue than a 'this relationship is horrible' issue. 'We' are great…the timing is not.

    In the end, do you feel you stayed too long or left too early? – I'm staying till I have to let it go. It's gonna hurt now or later…I can at least wait until dealing with it is 'a must'.

    Do you regret your decision? – Now that I'm at the tail end of it, no. While in this relationship, I've learned what the missing pieces were in my other relationships. I've learned what I really need from a man…and the balance I need in order to remain invested in the relationship. This man is a COMPLETE switch from my 'norm'. Had it not been for this relationship, I really don't see how else I would've gotten this much needed information. I guess, in a weird way, he has successfully saved me…but this is not the type of 'saving' I envisioned…

    With the clarity of hindsight, would you make the same decision(s)? My head is saying 'yes'…cause I needed this experience. My heart is saying 'no'…cause it has no interest in finding out just how much this relationships end is gonna hurt.

    In conclusion, I'm over being "the inspiration for change" that will benefit some other woman down the road, lol. The next guy I date will be doing the "saving"…fully equipped, prepared, and ready to be what I need when I need it…then I'll reciprocate. 🙂

  22. Excellent post sir!

    Ahhhh we women love when our men SHOW us that they will move both Heaven and Earth to "claim us"…..it really is a quality that proves to be detrimental on so many levels. It's hard for some women to know that they should be with the GOOD man but still feel as if they DESERVE the man that beats them, verbally abuses them, controls them, etc. It all boils down to how they value their own self-worth and unfortunately she has a long way to go before she gains the kind of respect for herself that allows her to avoid the situation she willingly participated in with that man. You did the right thing and let a grown woman take responsibility for her decisions.

    There comes a time when we have to look out for our own well being and that might mean that someone else gets hurt in the process. It is a tough pill to swallow but I believe that you are a better man for it.

    Thanks for sharing a very intimate piece of your life with us.

  23. You know …i know this is going to strike a nerve but I've always felt that men just don't have feelings. Not that i have ever purposely hurt anyone but in situations like this… these breakups guys just seem to get over it no matter how emotionally invested they were in the relationship. I guess i just thought this was easier for men…and still do.

    1. I've felt like that too. I have slowly begun to realize they DO have feelings. It's a long slow process for me to accept that men have feelings. I still am not able to readily identify what those emotions and feelings look like…which adds to the difficulty recognizing that they do have them. All that to say, I feel you.

  24. I was in a similar situation with my ex. not as brutal as the abuse, but relevant in the whole "demsel in distress" catagory. but with that came some controversy…we had been dating on and off for about 8 months or so. during that 'off; period she ended up sleeping with one of my friends. I had strong feelings despite what happened and entered into a relationship with her. needless to say, the insecurities of possible fidelity started to seep through but i still had feelings for her. we ended up breaking up but my problem is, even though i could never fully trust her, i still feel the need to 'save' her and 'protect' her. i tried to cut ties, but i still feel the need to contact her…

    In this case, in relevence to the article, what should i do and what can i do?

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-313087">

      UncleRussie: In this case, in relevence to the article, what should i do and what can i do?

      Well, like my story, I'm only privy to the snippet you've given here, so I'd hate to make sweeping generalizations when I don't know your entire story/history/etc.

      However, the simplest answer is usually right. Doesn’t mean it’s the easiest to implement. In fact, it usually is not. Still, you really gotta make a choice of how much you want to invest in the next person. I mean, no one is ever going to fault you for being a good person BUT at the same time, if being a "good person" causes you to not move on with your own life or it prevents you from sustaining a relationship beyond her (or whomever) then in my opinion, you gotta let them kick rocks.

      It's all good being there for the next man/woman, but there are points where you have to be selfish too and look out for your own best interest. As the title alludes, you cannot save everyone.

      Like that analogy which occurs in all those 'end of the world' Matrix type movies. Do you sacrifice the one you "love" – so to speak – to save everyone else? Of course, in these instances, they are 'the one' and everyone else is actually just you. It’s a call you have to make and then more importantly, stick by your final decision. Mainly because, in my experience, the second you try to move on from someone that has been use to you always being there for him or her, that is when they come for you the hardest.

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-313093">

      Streetz: Great finale to the last post until the world ends -___-

      LOL!

      Yeah, I just knew there'd be Rapture Chatter at SBM today. WIM def surprised me with the topic of his post…

      Maybe we can all gather here Monday morning to discuss how the tribulation period is going for us…or see "who made it in during round 1" or not? LOL…

  25. *I get so uncomfortable trying to reply to these story posts. Where i'm from, when someone tells a story like this, everyone looks at their shoes, sips some E&J and says, "Damn n*gga, b*tches be tripping. Trying play some Madden?"*

    I had a boy who went through this situation. He was there for a girl like this, and one day he had to just straight throw his hands up in the air on it. This some deep sh*t, but the thing is, you can't get over a person you are deeply in love with until you fall in love again and see the light. Now that speaks to people who fall in love easily and those who hardly ever fall in love. He found a new chick and now that old one is Jennifer Aniston'ed. She's a great girl, but nope.

    Peep when your ex starts telling you about her current dude, it's a sign that she is still USING you. If she wanted to be with you, she would be with you. That's the mistake a lot of men make when dealing with their ex. They assume, "Oh she still want to be with me." The new man is probably not one that she can depend on, not one who will console her, but that makes you as her ex, nothing more than her work husband or gay bf.

  26. this was a good post. great read. I love the storytelling style. its unfortunate that she expected you to "save her" from an abusive situation, but I do know the feeling of wanting someone to fight for you like in the movies. I guess we are all too influenced by the play play fantasy life and real life is full of all sorts of unmatched/unmet expectations. I've learned that lesson all too well.

  27. Been there. Done that. More than once. Though the circumstances were different than what you just finished articulating. But I did have a similar conversation with a friend in the aftermath of one of these situations, a conversation that helped me leave the past in the past. A conversation that let me understand that some people's problems are too big or too…something…for you to solve, that not only can't you always save the damsel but sometimes when you try to do so you completely lose yourself. And that's ultimately the realization that I came to: I loved her. Loved her hard and still do. But I had to save myself.

    Do I have any regrets? Nah. I often take a long time to make a decision, weighing up the pros and cons, evaluating my emotional investment blah blah blah…but once I make up my mind there's no going back.

    1. "I loved her. Loved her hard and still do. But I had to save myself."

      *somber head nod*

      *hugs you a lil too long*

  28. Wow, WIM this was a really good write and an insight into your life as well. I don't think I've ever been the damsel but I have known plenty of damsels in distress. You were completely right not to walk into her life caveman style and force her to be with you again, that would have been your fault too when she ran back to him.

    I just really enjoyed the read tho. And for the record, most men don't step in like that (unless it's a movie) so I still think you handled it the right way.

  29. Like you I REFUSE to cry reading this post LOL. WIM it was absolute the best. I know this story all to well and actually had to move away to stop the cycle of addiction to him and he to me. I so want to see if he's on fb or twitter or and of the social networks but I can't because when you know better you do better right? And knowing if I found him and he was single I would be on a plane is just NOT RIGHT!

    Thanks for this!

    1. Girl keep being strong! Cyber stalking is the debil! I know, because I did it about a month ago Won't lead to anything but more hurt, sure shows you that you're not over it though. #Whomps

  30. WOW!!! My flabber-is-gasted!!

    Its been a minute since I've come on the site on a Friday, took a break from the plantation and THIS sh*t right herre knucka….WHOI!!!

    I have nothing to say/add except very great post. I loved it. Great job. (My mind is too frazzled on a Friday afternoon at 4pm to think. All I can see is that Bacardi Open Bar from 6-8)

    Smooches,

    L to the J

  31. What's funny (not "haha" funny, but "strange" funny) is that there are also women out there who want to save their own "damsels" in distress…except the roles were reversed. My "damsel" was my ex-boyfriend, and I wanted to be the heroine.

    I was a good girl, and my ex was a "thug." He had no job and no goals in his life, but he had a posse that did whatever he said, he was confident, and he was handsome…I was young when I met him, and I was stupid….I dumped a perfectly good man for him. I thought he was worth it, and that I could "save/change him."

    BIG mistake.

    Everytime I thought he was doing better because of me, he disappointed me. I realized after a year of on-again-off-agains that I was not Joan of Arc, and I could not save him. So, I had to let him go.

    It happens on both ends, and it's tragic…but you live, and you learn.

  32. Kudos, my man. Great story, great read. I think you may have collected a few e-panties with this one. lol. I ain't mad at ya, I'm glad at ya.

  33. Good for you WIM. It’s refreshing to see men stand up and put an end to the non-sense and self absorbed behavior displayed by certain women. Letting go of her was a very wise move because she was clearly taking advantage of you. Human leeches are just as deadly as insect leeches. Bits and pieces of your situation remind me of “Go On Girl” by Neyo. Good looking out on your friend’s part too. His input was logical and rational for that particular situation.

  34. I HAVE a few. Women who are. Noe single mom's after they met me… that I wanted to make life good for…. Now, I just want.some. p*ssy…

    INTERESTING thought

    What kind of God would create a world where. As$holes win & nice men finish last… #Wacksauce

    And I know you still love her, but she. Deserves every negative man that she allows to penetrate. Her

  35. One of my favourite shows is "saved from the strip"! It features hookers for jaysus….many a fallen woman trying to get her life back together and features the John that's trying to save her. The one thing unlearnt is that it's easy having daughters. You gotta put in the work as a father if you wanna save your daughter from the pole.

  36. I'm extra late reading this, but it's a great post!

    In fact, I understand completely where you are coming from. I was not a damsel needing to be saved, but I was the princess trying to save the herem (male in distress). We spent a hell of a long time together, first being friends then after her left his "abuser" (for lack of better words) we got really close, love surfaced and it was great, then one day he said he was going back to her. I told him it wouldn't last and what do you know it didn't. However, in my saving I played a similar role, like you WiM, I never called he always called me. We stayed friends and were strickly that then I went for study abroad and upon my return I find out he has a girlfriend, a new girl nonetheless but the same type as the first. I saw history trying to repeat itself and I had to go. I can't be the one to constantly be the ear you pour your soul out to, [s]confess your unyielding love for me[/s] and complain about what you don't like in your girlfriend when you have the ability to change it; yet, you don't. Boy, bye! You want to be saved? Jesus saves, not Ashley. I can't and I won't.

  37. Me and my ex wife. Long story short, she decides she wants to leave and I fight for her for months. She uses that to play me. She cheats on me. Leaves to be with him. He abuses her. He forces her to change her life to suit him. Has her stop visitation with our daughter, who she hasn't seen for 17 months now. Marries him. Within a month calls her brother after a 6 year silence between them just to complain about the new husband. Still stays with him despite constantly slathering her facebook with how much she hates her life.

    Most guys aren't princes. Most are the villain we see in movies. But women today aren't the damsel in distress either. Real men who fight and struggle to protect their families are fewer and fewer in number, and it's gotten so bad that even mothers have, for the last years, been becoming infected by the attitude, creating more and more "deadbeat moms", something unheard of only a decade ago.

  38. I was a "Damsel" for 5 years. I was with someone who was making me miserable but didn't know how to leave. So I'd met other "princes" and dance around the topic when they tried to step up. Told them I was "in a situation" and never went into detail, just said I "wasn't sure" when they asked if I was happy. It's true that I wanted someone to come rescue me, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway til I was ready to go. When I realized that I saw a whole new world.

  39. Great post.
    I can admit that my ex tried to save me. I was not in an abusive relationship and frankly I do think he made a bigger deal of things than necessary, but I was in a state of depression. It was my sophomore year of college and on top of not being over my father's death, I was not over my uncle's, who had passed the year after, or my aunt's, who had passed earlier that year (my sophomore year that is). It bothered my ex (but boyfriend at the time) that I didn't sleep most nights and that I talked about my father's death as if it happened yesterday (it had been 4 years). He felt that there just wasn't any progress. To be fair no amount of time will completely rid you of the pain of losing a loved one, let alone 3. Honestly, him telling me I hadn't made any progress frustrated me and seemed insensitive. Especially because he didn't know me when it happened and I felt I was doing a good job of continuing to live my life. This ultimately caused some of the tension that lead to our break up. So in his mind he was unable to save me.

    We're friends now and we've discussed it since then. He thought he was going to be able to swoop in and make everything alright but when that didn't happen he felt as if he failed me. I don't look it as him failing me. I look at it as him trying to fight a battle he was never meant to fight. Boyfriend or not, it was not his job to save me… I had to save myself. Most times, that is the case. We can't save the damsel, but we can encourage her to save herself.

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