Home Featured [SINGLE BLACK MAIL] Fear of children hinders orgasms in men?!

[SINGLE BLACK MAIL] Fear of children hinders orgasms in men?!


What’s going on everyone!

I had a post all lined up, but this email came across my desk (you’ll see what I did there soon), and I had to respond! SBM reader community, meet Confused:

I have been dating this guy since last November, things are great, the only
thing is when we are having relations, he doesn’t ejaculate, which means we
go alot longer than most, yes relations can last for 30 minutes non stop. or until
he is sure i have had my multiple. He said it is him and is his mental..I assume
him using a condom prevents him from releasing his, and he always wears a
condom, well the last 8yrs, post 1 child and 1 scare.  Is it common for
condom to prevent a man from releasing or is it the fear of another child?  He
has physical custody of his child, so every day is a reminder.  What is a girl
to do, i love giving oral, but that does not solve the problem, and my skills
are pretty good..got pointers from gay men..and they are foolproof.  He says he
has multiple orgasms..and the only way i know is that his head is very sensitive
after the deed.. he just wants to and loves being inside of me. I am at
a crossroads and too embarassed to speak to my guy friends..He says he is happy
and loves our relations..even when i am at that time of the month(TMI)

This seems like the antithesis of a guys problem when he can’t make a woman climax. Usually, I hear women complain that dudes are 60 second assassins, and actually hope for the “problem” you face. I can see that you want to please your man, and that’s super commendable! I salute you my fair lady (SBM WOMEN TAKE NOTES!! *ducks*). I know that you’re looking for answers, so let’s see where I can help:

See Also:  Why We Need to Change the Conversation About Engagement Rings

Is it common for a condom to prevent a man from releasing or is it the fear of another child?

I would say it’s a combination of both. Men react differently to wearing condoms, but for the great majority, condoms can desensitize and lessen the intensity of sex, which allows for a man to last longer. That’s why a lot of dudes will get crazy and prefer to go Kojak in a woman, because they want to get that feeling of warm squishy goodness. Hopefully, they realize the many consequences of slapping skins sans glove, and choose to strap up.

Now, as far as prevent a man from “releasing”? Nah, I don’t think so. The whole point of a condom is to catch the milk before its spilled. If the condoms actually prevented release, there would be a blue ballz epidemic of Bubonic Plague proportions in the world!

Fear of another child might cause a mans soldier to remain at-ease, as opposed to prevent the release of his White Walkers from beyond the wall.  If the fear of children prevented ejaculation, than a lot of people reading this site might not be here today.  I’m not a p-sychologist but I’d be hard pressed to believe that fear of children  could make that happen.

Let’s be real, once the levees break, there’s no stopping the ocean from breaking through and making the city moist. It takes mental toughness and Jedi mind tricks to prevent the Bussa Buss.

See Also:  How Do You Stay True To The Game And Your Friends Of The Opposite Sex?

I’ve also heard of men who ejaculate so much, they literally have “nothing left in the tank” and will orgasm without ejaculation. This is entirely possible, just not the average.

See confused, you share a commonality with a lot of men. You want to please your partner in every way, and want to have that final stamp of approval from your partners body that you did a job well done sexually and they’ve reached the mountaintop. I will echo the same sentiments used by women to men: ” Just because a man doesn’t bust,  doesn’t mean he enjoys sex any less!” We’ve had to accept this from your non orgasiming chicks, so accept that from us, hahaha!

Finally, if this dudes runs red lights, he’s definitely a Savage, but he loves you. Reciprocate that love, and leave out the part where you learned how to pleasure a man orally from ANOTHER MAN!

SBM fam: Any comments on this topic? Is it a problem if a man doesn’t blow up if his fuse is lit?

I got FanMail. TLC!



  1. This would be durn near impossible to take. He'd have to be incredibly clear with me that he was thoroughly enjoying himself. Just…just…what do you do with that?! No finishing act? I need a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow. I work very well with positive reinforcement. A "glad you got yours," a slap on the @ss, and rolling over would make me feel very…unfulfilled. Much like Jennifer Love Hewitt, unfinished business haunts me.

  2. Wow……… I can see how it would make you feel bad to know your man is not ejaculating. I mean maybe he has "delayed ejaculation" http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/delayed-ejaculat

    Does he masturbate a lot? o_0

    I have to be honest and say it would be a problem for me. As a person who's experienced a simultaneous explosion with a man………. I can't think of anything more satisfying with someone you love while experience sexual intimacy than to know you both climaxed .

  3. Hmmmm, tell her to tell him to bottle whatever he has and sell it in Walmart. They could make a mint!

    Seriously though, if it's a concern, maybe he should get checked out by a doctor. A blessing to her could be a curse to him.

  4. I've had somewhat of a similar experience with my ex. He could "finish" but it just took a long time. In the beginning it had me pissed because i thought he wasn't enjoying himself and the sensations my "love below" was providing because he'd literally be good to go for hours sometimes (albeit most times there were breaks, multiple rounds/explosions, and slow stroking involved). All i can imagine is that he had incredible stamina and control.

    One of my guy friends told me before that he was always so scared of getting a girl pregnant that he literally couldn't "finish" unless he pulled out regardless of how close to the promised land he was. IDK how much truth there is in that but that's what he said.

  5. Damn, women are never f#cking happy, first you cum too fast, now you don't cum at all. I would suggest to all women don't worry about a man coming, we are pleasers(well some of us lol) any man would rather his girl multi, then hear you sing missy's song lol. I never worry about my n#t because there's nothing worse than a sexually frustrated woman walking around… we all suffer

  6. Most guys wouldn't fake being happy about the state of their relations so if he says he is satisfied then most likely he is. If you two are monogamous then maybe you can think about birth control and then he wouldn't have to use a condom.

  7. *dusts off the commenting cobwebs*

    *crushes another red bull after 12 hours at the office*

    This girl could have been any of my ex-girlfriends.

    The act is not all men n#t after 5 hard pumps. Since the first time I had s*x and couldnt finish (I was confused as hell) I have never finished in less than 35 minutes and more than half the time I just don't. I'm not bragging, for this is a terrible existence.

    The specialist insaw (a doctor) was crazy enough to tell me "a lot of men would like to have your problem"

    Fact is, not all of us come easy. I know I'm not the only one, it makes life hard, and women are the least understanding (if one more girl tells me "hurry up, I'm dry. It's been 2 hours" I'm gonna lose it).

    I feel dude. It's not children. It's just him.

    1. The women may pretend it's a problem…but, trust me they're going around telling their closest friends…how you can go for 2 hrs non-stop…and all of their friends are jealous. lol.

  8. I only made it as far as

    "we go alot longer than most, yes relations can last for 30 minutes non stop"

    and I had to pause. Ummmm, I just can't see that being a problem. Back to reading!!

    OK. BACK! (lol yes I waited to post) I have to say 30 mins is not an exceptionally long time. I don't know how I would react to him not coming in for a landing. I imagine that could be a little disconcerting. I think I had some advice to give, but I read the other comments before getting back to this and I may be developing a blog crush on Mix. IJS.

  9. hmm to be honest I can understand the concern and personally would be disheartned if my fella was not releasing after we did the do.

    I have experienced that before in a past relationship and yes going for long is good but then you want to know that your man has been really satisfied. Quality over quantity any day. Its nice to share that feeling together. Yeah he is having a good time but ejaculation to me signifies a really good time and if it is not happening I would want to get to the root of it ( no pun intended). But then in this case hey if he is happy…

  10. Streetz thanks for the quick response and i agree he does love me. He does want to make me happy and the upside with all this is the quick turnaround time, after i orgasm he is ready to go again so there are multiple sessions a night. But now i know why it bothers guys when their woman does not finish 🙁

        1. * pulls up a chair and waits for answers *

          Not even cause I need tips…I just can't even imagine how a conversation like that develops or unfolds, LOL. Is this the thing to do now? Ask gay men for tips on pleasuring men? I'm thinking you shouldn't tell your man how you got the info…I can't see him being comfy with that at all, LOL!

          I swear, you learn something new everyday…

  11. Well, I have experienced this problem with a Man before….he would take all day to release…but, it would actually happen, it just took 45 minutes or more….I would be also with the "hurry up"….lol…but, it's better then the 3 pumps syndrome..so, I didn't complain….but, in her case, the guy sounds happy and willng to please in every way..so, I would just go with that and enjoy because he sounds like a beast to me…..and I mean that in a good way.

  12. A guy doesn't climax 'properly' and he is in need of psychological and medical exams. A woman doesn't, and it's my fault. That's Life (c) Frank Sinatra

    1. Its not your fault if a woman doesn't – A woman really has to know her body and what makes her feel good so she can move with you. IJS

  13. Hmm….this may be a problem for a Medical Specialist, not a relationship blog experts. #noshots

    He may have had suffered trauma previously that prevents him mentally and physically reaching that point. I for a short period of time was in the same predicament but no one could tell anything/

    Are you using condoms? They do suck, but maybe putting in a little lube inside the condom to stimulate may help him out.

    I can't see NEVER coming from stimulation as a natural thing, it's part of the reproductive cycle.

  14. This is interesting and sounds more medical than mental to be honest. Condoms def help me go longer and SOMEtimes I can't "finish the race" but never consistently. Plus if you're heading him up and he's still not rewarding you with a "receipt" for proof of payment? Craziness.

    Only thing I could think of is to ask him to stop masturbating for a week or so before yall do the do and see if that does anything. If he NEVER busts even when you're not around, which doesn't make sense since you said he has a kid, then that is def a medical problem.

    I feel the need to say "No homo," so No Homo.

    1. I'm glad that WIM touched on this stop masturbating thing. That's real in the field. If you are wacking off everyday, multiple times a day to Roxy Reynolds, Jada Fire, Lily Thai, The Ginger Sisters, Monica Santhiago … um let me stop, but the point is, he ain't going to be able to do it with a Confused girl.

      He should also try hypnosis too. That can determine if it's a mental problem.

      1. Lily Thai went to my High School. For some reason this makes me feel accomplished. I sometimes consider putting it on my resume.

        Before you ask "Did you smash" rather than respond directly to that question, I'm just going to say, "Man, you know how I do" and let yall draw yall own conclusions.

        Unrelated, yet related subject: If you REALLY want to mess your night up though, I suggest you peep that compilation video with Asa Akira and Jynz Maze. MESSED. ME. UP. It's no two girls, one cup but…

        ……. !!!!! ……

        *blank stare*

  15. Maybe he should try different condoms (I suggest Fire & Ice, but yeah don't let the Fire deter you).

    The 'does he masturbate' is actually a really good question.

    But yeah, It's more than likely a mental thing. From experience, theeeeee hardest releasing of my untrained forces is when I feel like i'm smanging room temperature air regardless of how wet it is. The best combination is the feeling of walls and an increased thermometer reading in the juicebox. If neither of those are working in congruence it takes AC Green like mind control on the set of "Tip Drill" to release the hounds, so it may be the combination of the condom and an average or below average juicebox, but regardless of the fact he remains stimulated by you, so idk at least you have that.

    *By the way, oral pleasures rarely make me make moves … Disappointing to say the least*

    1. Maaan them Fire and Ice… do NOT use those on the first round, straight played myself when dat thang made me break speed records smh…

      But uhm yeah, I agree with everything you said. lol

  16. <blockquote cite="comment-316142">

    A guy doesn’t climax ‘properly’ and he is in need of psychological and medical exams. A woman doesn’t, and it’s my fault. That’s Life (c) Frank Sinatra


  17. Am i the only one that dangnear repents for climaxing under 15 min. (roughly 4 songs) and under 3 positions?

  18. Hi everyone! It's been a looonnnnnnngggggg time since i commented, but I just had to speak up today.

    As someone who has her BA in psychology, and currently matriculating to get her Master’s in Behavioral Analysis, I think that I am qualified to give this assumption: the writer’s boyfriend may suffer from a chexual dysfunction (as classified by the DSM-IV-TR) called Male Orgazmic Disorder (spelled it with a Z just so it wouldn’t get flagged). The disorder refers to men whose arrival to a climax is either very delayed or they are unable to get there at all, during chex; however, [some] can achieve climax if stimulated digitally or orally. About 3 to 10 percent of men suffer from this disorder; the causes can either be organic or intrinsic. Organic reasons may include (but not limited to) thyroid, or pituitary, problems or even hypogonadism, where the testez don’t produce enough testosterone. Intrinsic reasons could be stress, depression, anxiety, AND the fear of getting his significant other pregnant. Another cause can be that in adolescence his m*stubartory habits were a bit forceful, so he may have problems getting there during interkourse, as his member is conditioned to more friction than he would receive during chex. All in all, it is NOT you. Just because he can’t/doesn’t erupt, doesn’t mean that he is not 100% enjoying the experience. This is probably easier said than done, but try not to be too bothered, or feel bad about it, as you are not the problem. Hope this helps ease your mind a bit.

    1. <blockquote cite="comment-316157">


      can achieve climax if stimulated digitally…

      [email protected]!(*#@!??????? Help me!!!!!

      <blockquote cite="comment-316157">


      Another cause can be that in adolescence his m*stubartory habits were a bit forceful, so he may have problems getting there during interkourse, as his member is conditioned to more friction than he would receive during chex.

      Eeeeeeeeeeee … Overzealous Much??? Lol

      1. Lol! Are you asking if he is being overzealous, or the theory about being too forceful while m*sturbating?

        1. First, address digital stimulation please??? THANKS

          Second, the theory of too much force during our adolescent m*sturbatory habits resulting in a conditioned member is comical. But i can see an overzealous young teen making vigorous bottom vein moves.

        2. HA! I was remiss in not typing "digitally/manually". Although men who suffer from this disorder can't achieve/have a hard time achieving climax during relations, some of them can by way of oral s*x, and hand jobs, successfully.

          LOL the theory is comical, but it is somewhat plausible, no? No matter how many times a day a woman does her kegels, or how long she sits in an apple cider/water bath or whatever other tactics she uses to keep the snatch tight, her vice grip will never compare to the grip of a fist. So if a man is accustomed to a tighter grip, the amount of time to reach a climax will either be prolonged, or may never come.

  19. I was just reading this article yesterday that was discussing this very thing. I can't find it now but it was basically saying that some men practice the art of witholding their seed so that when the transference of energy happens it is only to make a child and that men who withold their seed usually have stronger, healthier and more robust children. It was an article about the transference of sexual energy. why was I reading about that? long story but I was trying to help out a friend.

    I also looked up "men who can't ejaculate" and it said "spinal cord injuries" that was hilarious to me. Oh well, that's the wealth of my knowledge today. Carry on, carry on SBM readers!

  20. My husband does this from time to time and I just DIE when it happens. My ego just can't stand it! I feel like a failure :(. He constantly reassures me that he stills enjoys us when that happens and that I shouldn't worry about it. I am just so used to us both getting the finish line. Damn all the crazy things we've learn here in North America.

    I have read somewhere that some cultures actually PREFER that men not ejaculate during sex. Something about that every time a man releases that he gives away some years of life and that he gives the woman his power/energy. Also, this is a way for a couple to be in control of reproduction (research tantric s*x).

  21. Bro says he is fine and it seems like you're getting yours why are you creating a problem where there is none? Seriously why are you making it an issue?

  22. so… i have had experiences like this before, but it definitely was a medical thing (some prescribed drugs can be a B^#*h)….

    also, all these comments (from guys) about oral pleasure not getting the job done make me want to say something that may paint me out to be a little more of a freak than I'd like, so I will refrain from stating such things… haha

    interesting post though.

    1. Go Ahead Girl…. Share your Testimony.

      We all e-fam here!! No judgements. 😉

      #ItAin'tLikeUGotAnAviUp… So You Good

      1. lol. true. I was just thinking with said (rx meds) partner I rarely had a problem helping him to the finish line especially when it came to orally… so reading all those comments was just a shock to me.

        and also let me echo the "ego" feelings… as an auditory person, ain't nothing good for my ego like hearing…. well… the sounds of pleasure. lol

  23. <blockquote cite="comment-316158">

    RedLady821: I can’t find it now but it was basically saying that some men practice the art of witholding their seed….

    I see you RedLady….Yeah I have a read a few things about this myself. North Americans are just so GOAL ORIENTED that we miss the grand scheme of things. Maybe it’s not all about the end point? It is crazy because my husband told me that my pleasure sort of echoes through him and I was like….me too! That feeling doesn’t even compare to an actual climax but it is a force to be reckon with all on its on. So idk….

    1. American culture is all about immediate satisfaction and if you can't attain those goals something must be wrong with you. Sometimes sex without orgasm is nice but I wouldn't want it to be a mainstay in my life.

  24. When did 30 mins become marathon sex?

    When did gay men become the authority on oral? If a man can tell you exactly how to please your man dont be surprised if that man is playing your man.

    I'm kidding on that last part…kinda

    1. When did gay men become the authority on oral?

      You can't be serious… I mean really – who is more equipped (pun intended) to give advice on pleasing the mic then someone who already has one?

      1. By that logic I should be able to give great advice on giving oral to a guy an the sheer fact that I have one even though I have never given oral to a man. I figure the sex of the person is irrelevant when it comes to advice on giving. Besides, everyone sites it differently and purple like different things

  25. (Look at me becoming a regular commenter! lol)

    I'm fortunate in that I've never experienced what the author of the letter is talking about. I can only imagine how she feels- it's a bit of a blow to the ego knowwhatImsaying? Imagine you're putting in work with your man, you're practicing your kegels, you're squeezing, you're pushing back…and this man still won't finish. I can only imagine that is what men feel like when they don't get that pot at the end of the rainbow from a woman.

    But on the other hand, if this is normal for dude I wouldn't take it personally. If dude isn't surprised by his lack of finish (meaning this happens all the time) then don't worry about it. If he says he's happy- just believe him.

  26. Such a graphic/detailed post today…I loved every minute of it (heehee) Im just so happy Im not the girl in this situation. I'd break up over this, yup I said it AND i'd be the type to accuse him of having sex with other women….

  27. Awww damn… that must suck. I take pride in satisfying my man and have never been with one that hasn't "Bussa Buss" every time. I'd prob treat that whole thing like a challenge till he surrenders.

  28. This is interesting, but not uncommon. Women seem to assume that the mere mention of the word "stroke" is enough to make a man come to an explosive end.

    Doc made mention upthread of tantra, or tantric s3x. If you aren't familiar, google is your friend. Then, hit up your local bookstore, and check it out for yourself. Take the weekend, study, then practice. 😉

    Honestly, just be thankful he isn't a 8-10 rep man. Trust me, that quick sh*t will have you longing for the good old lovemelongtime days.

    As for you men who don't, can't, haven't met a happy ending during oral, its time for an upgrade. Ok, just kidding. But, you should probably suggest your lady friend watch some dvds, read a book, something. I mean, really… Really!

  29. Alright… That's great that people are talking about give your man a doctor. (Not really) Why add anxiety on TOP of everything? That's not smart. Mess around have dude feeling bad for not being able to cum quicker.

    How about having multiple sessions? Rather than trying one LOONG one have multiple shorter sessions. I reduces the pressure you both may feel to get it all in one go. There's no reason for that.

    There have been times with my past lady where I "didn't finish" and it wasn't b/c of any disorder or masturbation. It was b/c I was riding the wave and she was DONE before it finished. Ladies (some?) know about that wave. It gets so good to the point you don't even have to bust. You just want to keep going. The solution (is it really a problem?) is to do multiple sessions. There seems to be this culture of 'let's get it all in one go.' That makes no sense. Clearly a second or even third pass may just be the move. Do multiple smaller sessions. When my ex came (like CAAAME) before me, it usually meant WE are DONE and that killed her ego. However, the solution was to anticipate multiple (2-4) 15-20 minute sessions. What's 15-20 minutes? half a episode of a some sucky TV sitcom. See, women require a "build-up" where a break in that "build-up" require a restart. With practice, 15 minutes with do for the build up. However, for me (and all men), our "build-up" is more like how DVRs work. With the right conditions, we can pause our build up and continue later. The anticipation will play a role in a quasi-build-up when sex is offline.

    For example:

    1. Sex in the late afternoon or early morning, she comes, I don't. (15-20 minutes)

    2. Do some other ish with your life.

    3. Sex again AKA quickie without 'termination' for anyone, no one comes. (10-15 minutes)

    4. Have a life.

    5. Repeat 3 & 4 as desired.

    6. Sex again before bed, she may or may not come, I finish and go to sleep drooling. everyone is happy. egos are saved. (15-20 minutes)

    We have other stuff to do. So a 2 hour marathon isn't going to cut it. Think about how many times we waste, 5 minutes here, 10 minutes there and be like, 'I could be f*cking right now.' Trust me, it works. lol

  30. <blockquote cite="comment-316221">

    MeteorMan: There have been times with my past lady where I “didn’t finish” and it wasn’t b/c of any disorder or masturbation. It was b/c I was riding the wave and she was DONE before it finished. Ladies (some?) know about that wave. It gets so good to the point you don’t even have to bust. You just want to keep going.

    This is SOOOO what my hubbie says….awwww…..now I can believe him…lol. I really thought he was just sparing my feelings.

  31. <blockquote cite="comment-316224">

    Beef Bacon:

    As if men don’t have feel the same…yea right!

    Ehh not really. If you've ever got into an argument with a woman by the time you're older than 15 you've heard an innumerable about a bad things about your 'junk' and your ability to properly utilize your 'junk'. That's pretty much girlfriends/ex-girlfriends first, middle, and last move when it comes to arguing with guys so it isn't even taken seriously.

  32. This is actually a problem that I have as well. Sometimes my boo will nut in like 5-6 min, other times its like 1hr and he's still going. I haven't figured out what I'm doing that will make it go either way. He claims my pum-pum is the good-good…. and I try to do all the right things, talk dirty, play with myself, ride the beat like mfin' freak, titties bouncing away, and and hr will pass by and he'll still be there, just oohing and ahhing and wiggling his toes. Such a ego buster lol.

    I just decided to start working out and getting my stamina up so when he's at 1hr and still going strong I can be right there with him lol. I mean, what else is there to do?

  33. It's called RETARDED or DELAYED ejaculation. 2 in every 10 men experience this. Your husband isn't alone here. I have that problem too. I could go for hours without ejecting sp**m, even days. But I know I enjoy Chex so much. Relax woman, it's no biggie. 🙂

  34. Oh snap *doin the happy girl dance* (and no I have not read one single other comment yet lol)
    <blockquote cite="comment-316136">

    Mix: Thank you, looking at your avi you chose the pefect screen name, consider your crush returned. lol

  35. Is your dude on the bigger side, apparently if a guy is on the heavier side of weight coming could take a bit longer… with my personal observations..this could be true..

  36. Is your dude on the bigger side? Apparently if a guy is on the heavier side of weight coming could take a bit longer (read up a bit on it, when i encountered 30 mins plus during)… with my personal observations..this could be true..

  37. <blockquote cite="comment-316217">

    Streetz: So if a man doesnt ejaculate yet lasts for years in the pums hes gay?

    He may not be gay, but that's probably the first thing that would come to my mind, particularly if this happens all the time (or rather doesn't happen all the time). Doesn't mean I'm right, but if he can't seem to get "it" at all, then yes, I'd definitely be thinking that maybe he's just not not that into women (anymore). If it were a medical issue, I'd like to think most men would want to seek professional help because most men want to get "it."


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