Well folks, it’s finally here. As many of you already know, my e-book, my digital novella, my really long, short-story drops today. It’s called Secrets Discovered In Memoriam, and it explores the mind of a man trying to come to terms with his past and his emotional relation to it in the wake of a life altering event. There’s a link to download it at the bottom of this post. You can download it or open on your screen and read it online. Whatever you do, just read it!
But just because this is such an epic day for me, doesn’t mean we’re not going to do what we always do here on SBM.
In the “Secrets,” one of characters, Stephanie, finds herself struggling with how to proceed in her love life. With sex having come to dominate most of her romantic relationships, she decides she’s giving it up all together, taking some time away from the boot knocking and focusing her romantic inclinations on other things.
Here’s the perspective she shares in “Secrets”
“When I think about my sex life honestly and in totality, nothing good has ever come out of me having sex I mean, outside of the occasional orgasm. I’ve been in love once our twice, or, at least I’ve thought I was in love. And the sex then was great, and meaningful, but when it’s all over and we’ve both moved on, I’m left with nothing but memories. And memories are great, they keep you warm for a while but eventually they fade and you’re again cold and alone…
The last three guys I’ve dated, I’ve done what you’re supposed to do. I tried to stay out in front of my emotions, I waited the prerequisite three months, and I’ve made sure that the sex was something I knew I wanted before I allowed it happen. Still though, each time, I’ve ended up hurt. Not because they’ve necessarily done me wrong, they haven’t. Sex is just too powerful. It means too much to me. Every time I sleep with someone I feel like I’m giving them a little part of myself that I can never get back and it’s just like, at what point will I’ll be empty? At what point will I have nothing left to give, you know.
So, hopefully, celibacy will bring clarity. I feel like, when I’m dating a guy, before we have sex, all the both of us think about is sex. I’m wondering when it’s going to be acceptable to sleep with him, he’s wondering when it’s acceptable to try me–it just dominates the relationship. I think if I just take sex off the table from jump, I’ll immediately weed out all the guys who are just interested in that, and the ones who are left, I’ll be able to build honest relationships with where the sole focus is getting to know each other.”
Now, when one of Stephanie’s friends – CJ – finds out about her impending celibacy, he has his own opinions on it.
Here’s CJ’s perspective:
“I hate when women think celibacy is a cure-all. Sex is not the problem. Women like to take sex off the table when they can’t reconcile the real issues that are preventing them from finding a healthy relationship. It’s like putting a Bandaid on a broken leg. I mean yea, sure, for less evolved individuals sex might create some sort of emotional attachment. But mature human beings understand that sex is a purely physical, natural desire, and there’s nothing wrong with fulfilling your desires. All I’m saying is, there’s no reason to stop having sex alltogether. She could probably get the same results she’s interested in if she stops having sex with men she really likes. If she really likes the guy, make him wait. Find some bum n*gga to knock it down consistently. The world is a better place when everyone is getting theirs.”
I’ve always thought that sex is an expression of love. Now, just because I’ve always thought that, doesn’t mean that’s always the way I’ve treated it. I think the same can be said for most people. Most of us find ourselves readjusting our perspectives on sex as quickly as the seasons readjust. Sometimes we’re all about it, sometimes we’re saving it, and sometimes we want no parts of it.
This is why I totally understand when people decide to be celibate. By making that decision, you are taking the prospect of having sex out of the equation so that it is no longer something that changes with your mood. You’re essentially answering the question before it is asked so that your answer is made in full clarity, without the pressure of the jones having undue impact on what should be an important decision. But that’s just me.
How about y’all? How do you feel about Stephanie’s take on it and CJ’s take on it?
Have you guys ever decided to take a sabbatical from sexual relations? What brought you to that decision and how did it work out for you? Have you ever found yourself interested in someone who made it clear they weren’t having sex? How did that relationship progress?
Lastly, here’s a link to download the book. I’d really love for you to read it: