*Cover Art By Michael K. Wilson
Well folks, it’s finally here. As many of you already know, my e-book, my digital novella, my really long, short-story drops today. It’s called Secrets Discovered In Memoriam, and it explores the mind of a man trying to come to terms with his past and his emotional relation to it in the wake of a life altering event. There’s a link to download it at the bottom of this post. You can download it or open on your screen and read it online. Whatever you do, just read it!
But just because this is such an epic day for me, doesn’t mean we’re not going to do what we always do here on SBM.
In the “Secrets,” one of characters, Stephanie, finds herself struggling with how to proceed in her love life. With sex having come to dominate most of her romantic relationships, she decides she’s giving it up all together, taking some time away from the boot knocking and focusing her romantic inclinations on other things.
Here’s the perspective she shares in “Secrets”
“When I think about my sex life honestly and in totality, nothing good has ever come out of me having sex I mean, outside of the occasional orgasm. I’ve been in love once our twice, or, at least I’ve thought I was in love. And the sex then was great, and meaningful, but when it’s all over and we’ve both moved on, I’m left with nothing but memories. And memories are great, they keep you warm for a while but eventually they fade and you’re again cold and alone…
The last three guys I’ve dated, I’ve done what you’re supposed to do. I tried to stay out in front of my emotions, I waited the prerequisite three months, and I’ve made sure that the sex was something I knew I wanted before I allowed it happen. Still though, each time, I’ve ended up hurt. Not because they’ve necessarily done me wrong, they haven’t. Sex is just too powerful. It means too much to me. Every time I sleep with someone I feel like I’m giving them a little part of myself that I can never get back and it’s just like, at what point will I’ll be empty? At what point will I have nothing left to give, you know.
So, hopefully, celibacy will bring clarity. I feel like, when I’m dating a guy, before we have sex, all the both of us think about is sex. I’m wondering when it’s going to be acceptable to sleep with him, he’s wondering when it’s acceptable to try me–it just dominates the relationship. I think if I just take sex off the table from jump, I’ll immediately weed out all the guys who are just interested in that, and the ones who are left, I’ll be able to build honest relationships with where the sole focus is getting to know each other.”
Now, when one of Stephanie’s friends – CJ – finds out about her impending celibacy, he has his own opinions on it.
Here’s CJ’s perspective:
“I hate when women think celibacy is a cure-all. Sex is not the problem. Women like to take sex off the table when they can’t reconcile the real issues that are preventing them from finding a healthy relationship. It’s like putting a Bandaid on a broken leg. I mean yea, sure, for less evolved individuals sex might create some sort of emotional attachment. But mature human beings understand that sex is a purely physical, natural desire, and there’s nothing wrong with fulfilling your desires. All I’m saying is, there’s no reason to stop having sex alltogether. She could probably get the same results she’s interested in if she stops having sex with men she really likes. If she really likes the guy, make him wait. Find some bum n*gga to knock it down consistently. The world is a better place when everyone is getting theirs.”
My Perspective:
I’ve always thought that sex is an expression of love. Now, just because I’ve always thought that, doesn’t mean that’s always the way I’ve treated it. I think the same can be said for most people. Most of us find ourselves readjusting our perspectives on sex as quickly as the seasons readjust. Sometimes we’re all about it, sometimes we’re saving it, and sometimes we want no parts of it.
This is why I totally understand when people decide to be celibate. By making that decision, you are taking the prospect of having sex out of the equation so that it is no longer something that changes with your mood. You’re essentially answering the question before it is asked so that your answer is made in full clarity, without the pressure of the jones having undue impact on what should be an important decision. But that’s just me.
How about y’all? How do you feel about Stephanie’s take on it and CJ’s take on it?
Have you guys ever decided to take a sabbatical from sexual relations? What brought you to that decision and how did it work out for you? Have you ever found yourself interested in someone who made it clear they weren’t having sex? How did that relationship progress?
Lastly, here’s a link to download the book. I’d really love for you to read it:
I agree with CJ in part because a lot of women use celibacy as the cure to their relationships. Similar to how some formerly 'loose' women go back/to the Church after 1 too many terrible instances. I'm not anti-celibacy in the least, but from what I've seen it's used as a crutch until they find their 'perfect man' who'll wait until their married or whenever. Basic self-evaluation would do wonders in figuring who out who are as person, what type of people you have continuously dated, what were the success/failures in the relationship, and what you need/provide from a significant other.
I'd like to note that I define celibacy as continually dating while not engaging in sex. This is opposed to not getting into romantic relationships altogether.
What do you mean by a crutch until they find their "perfect man"?
I mean simply not having sex will make it so and that they'll find their perfect man while still engaging in all the shenanganry that made their past relationships fail. I can completely get why abstaining would need to be done in order to figure out who you are though. I just don't see it as a prerequisite.
shut up!
I like CJ, he sounds like a goon.
Hope he doesn't die in the book like all good black characters.
**downloads book to find out CJ's fate**
CJ's definitely a savage. Good looks on downloading the joint homey… hope you enjoy.
No disrespect but that's really narrow minded of you to talk of celibate women that way. Women are more than sexualised pieces of meat for men to consume at will. They are all people, sex or no sex, with the same feelings inside men have. I bet you would talk of celibate or asexual men that way.
Do you know me? I seem to ask that every time you write something LOL. I am currently celibate and I needed to be from both perspectives. For a while I felt like Stephanie that I was giving something away to someone that didn't end up being anything so I took a break. Then after a while I looked at it from CJ's point of view and started getting mine because of fulfilling physical desires and just enjoying the company of a man when needed. No muss no fuss it would go where it leaded. My friends said I was arse backwards but I pretty much gave up on "love" and began doing me. Kinda like your story of the being the "villain". That very night that you week that you wrote that post I stopped having s.ex. I realized I was what my friend called a "saboteur". I began creating these situations of spiritual and physical intimacy just to see how far I could take it…..create this element of quasi perfection then tear it down. Crazy right. My ex told me and I quote " you enjoying taking people to this place of physical inebriation only to eff up their high with the reality that its just s.ex for you, its a power play and its sad because you were it for me" WOMP 🙁
So I had to cut it. I felt like I tainted him and I'd probably done so to others.
Yeah, this is exactly how I was during the time in my life that produced "In My Time of Villainy." It's interesting, I think many of us have the tendency to project our desires, or what we believe to be our desires on the new people we meet – especially if we're attracted to the physically. We make them out to be perfect, and then because we've projected perfection onto them, we have sex with them (usually too early). Then 3 months later we realize they're not so perfect and because we're expecting perfection, we can't really accept them for who they are. So then we bounce. It's a crazy cycle. This is why celibacy works for some – it mitigates poor decisions based on physical attraction – to a certain extent.
<blockquote cite="comment-316274">
TheMostInterestingManInTheWorld: I think many of us have the tendency to project our desires, or what we believe to be our desires on the new people we meet – especially if we’re attracted to the physically. We make them out to be perfect, and then because we’ve projected perfection onto them, we have sex with them (usually too early). Then 3 months later we realize they’re not so perfect and because we’re expecting perfection, we can’t really accept them for who they are. So then we bounce. It’s a crazy cycle.
T'was the story of my rela life once…
"This is why celibacy works for some – it mitigates poor decisions based on physical attraction – to a certain extent"
Now this I agree with wholeheartedly. I think celibacy is all good, especially when done for the right reasons…even if it's for the wrong reasons at least it takes away some of the stuff u typically worry about when ur sexually involved with someone…ie Std's, pregnancy, and emotions and feelings and expecting more than what the other person is willing to give.
I think men should Not have sex with any woman they don't have real serious feelings for and can't see themselves getting involved with…..and women should not lay down with any man until she is crystal clear about his feelings for her and where he stands….and not just from the words that come out of his mouth, but his actions as well.
If this happened more often then relationships would go much smoother I think.
Even when you later on find out your not dealing with a completely honest person and even if you've been "played" before you have sex with the person you should know as a grown and mature person that anything can happen….and yes expect the best but be realistically prepared for the worst. Once you see the worst in the other person consider a blessing and let them go and move on with no beef or hard feelings. Also sex should be when and how you want it on your terms….when it's not thats when people (typically women) end up feeling used and abused and feeling some type of way if it doesn't end up in a long lasting relationship that leads to marriage.
If folks kept it real and were honest with themselves and each other that would make things go much smoother too….
Mmmmmmhhhhh
<blockquote cite="comment-316246">
NinaFontaine: ” you enjoying taking people to this place of physical inebriation only to eff up their high with the reality that its just s.ex for you, its a power play and its sad because you were it for me” WOMP So I had to cut it. I felt like I tainted him and I’d probably done so to others.
I like your Ex seems like a reasonable well spoken Negro.
although I don't think he should complain about getting the poonBut mature human beings understand that sex is a purely physical, natural desire, and there’s nothing wrong with fulfilling your desires.
—
I have a problem with this statement. As if you are only mature if you think of sex in this way. I disagree. To each his own. I have no problem with individuals who treat sex as purely physical. Yet, don't denigrate others who feel that sex is more than that.
I am more in agreement with you (MostInteresting), it's an expression of love or strong feelings, and it's up to the individual couple on when they want to make that expression.
However, I really wish that people would really think about what sex means before they engage in it, so that it doesn't become a game. I don't think it is fair to themselves or their partners.
I agree with this 100%.
I wish I would have thought about what sex meant for me before I had it. I believe I had it before I knew myself completly.
I dont believe sex can be a 100% completely physical act without anything else being involved. But i know what ppl mean when they say it.
Anyway I prefer to bring my mind, body, and soul(might sound corny) into the act.
I think CJ's perspective blows. He insinuated that you have to be an immature person to think of sex as anything but a physical release.
Sex's definition depends on the person. No generalizations should be made.
I took a sabbatical from sex for about a year and a half. I was sick of sharing myself with men who did not appreciate who I was outside of it. I always had the same experience with it- guys wanted the benefits of a relationship without the title so I tapped out.
And once I did, I felt like my head cleared. I was able to tell the wrong guys to kick rocks without feeling a sense of attachment. There was no need to hang around because my feelings were not in it yet.
And yes, it worked. I am now married, my husband and I didn't indulge until we were in a committed relationship.
I accidentally hit the down button by mistake,I meant to hit "like".
I think CJ's point, which he makes in his own way, is that sex is whatever you make it to be. In his mind, Steph is making excuses. He believes her relationships just aren't working out and she's using sex a scapegoat. He believes she just having sex with the wrong guys essentially. In his mind it's like, everybody needs sex, if we're mature enough to be honest with ourselves, we know we all need sex. Now, if you find that sex is creating an imbalance in a relationship you really want to develop, then that's not a person you should be sleeping with casually. Instead, when you need to have your desires filled, sleep with someone who, for you, it'd be impossible to build a serious connection with. In the story he suggests a bum n*gga, but that's just because he's being funny. It could be a corny dude who's really athletic and good looking. Could be your personal trainer who barely speaks english. Whatever.
Stefanie's position on celibacy makes sense and I can definitely relate. I used to think that sex within the realm of a relationship was a given, similar to pet names, inside jokes, weekly anniversaries, blah blah blah. The time frame surrounding the first sexual encounter depended on who I was with but it eventually happened. Sex means different things for different people and it isn't always just some act, especially for your average woman. I will say that women who become celibate for short stints get a serious side eye from me. The point of celibacy in my mind isn't just so you can say your saving it for the next boyfriend who comes along. What's the point in becoming celibate if you're going to have sex with the next guy who's remotely charming and claims that they won't hurt you? Set standards and stand by them if that's what you're going to do.
Love this!
I feel you AfroPetite aka Judgy Mcjudge … lol … j/k
<blockquote cite="comment-316249">
AfroPetite:
What’s the point in becoming celibate if you’re going to have sex with the next guy who’s remotely charming and claims that they won’t hurt you? Set standards and stand by them if that’s what you’re going to do.
I mean, if a chick been having sex with every guy who smiles at her, and then she decides to slow it down, and only have sex with guys who actually claim her, you gotta respect her progress though! Small steps nah mean…
I'm not givin' that slyt a ring… I wanna hit like all those other dudes hit
I think celibacy is a great idea for a woman who has found herself in a situation like Stephanie's. I remember in colleg, this guy I was talking to said something surprisingly wise and insightful considering what a disappointment he turned out to be (lol). He said men and women react differently to sex because the do it for different reasons. men will sex a girl b/c either he wants to express love or he's just attracted to her and wants to bone…. Usually. Girls will do it to please a guy, to get money out of him, to shut him up, to make sure he doesn't sleep around, we put anlot of emphasis on it. Also unfortunately, our reasons for not doing it can be equally confusing…. We wannaplease our parents, we want to please our future husband, we don't want him to think of us as a hoe….
I waited til my early twenties, and I saw a lot of both scenarios. I'm glad I waited because I was able to work out a lot of hang ups on the issue, develop confidence in myself and my ability to attract a man and maintain a long and successful relationship without dropping my draws, and just be able to enjoy dating and have fun without worrying about sex. Ladies if you haven't experienced that yet, it's very liberating. Sex is so distracting, and I honestly don't believe it belongs in the early stages of a budding relationship, you should be getting to know the other person, building trust, etc the first few months in. So many times I've seen ppl give into lust early on, only to realize after the new pum-pum scent wore off that they never even like each other. If you don't have a good sense of self, you can easily interpret that as "oh sex is all I'm good for" but it's not really that. Y'all just weren't compatible. And you probably would have realized that if you took the time to talk and explore each other's mind and personalities, instead of each other's bodies.
Anyways, I'm off my soapbox. It's just a topic I feel strongly abt. I work in the medical field, women's health specifically, and I see soooo many women hurt, mentally, emotionally, and physically in relation to this issue. And there is soooo much regret there too, you just wish you could erase all that from their past, but life isn't like that. so oh well.
Celibacy may not be the answer for everyone, but I just encourage women to guard their heart and their bodies. If you don't look out for yourself, who else will?
The thesis of your comment I think would be that: "because sex can be distracting, if you're interested in building a strong relationship, taking sex off the table will help you focus on that in your individual interactions"
CJ's response would be, sure, taking sex of the table might work but, you could also just take the idea of building a strong relationship off of the table – with certain guys, and then there's nothing for sex to distract you from.
!!!!!!!! I see what you did right there, sir, and I cosign.
Larry, me and you are *here* today (does eye to eye thing Martin used to do).
#pausejustincase
lol… lol
Im sooo late, but let me say "THANK YOU!"…I needed to hear this comment!
Also thanks Most 🙂
CJ's perspective doesn't make a lick of sense to me lol.
She could probably get the same results she’s interested in if she stops having sex with men she really likes. If she really likes the guy, make him wait. Find some bum n*gga to knock it down consistently. The world is a better place when everyone is getting theirs.”
I can't buy into this just because of how many times, in real life and in the blog-o-sphere we've been bombarded with the notion of "how dare you make your man wait but still give it up to JonJon down the street". BS. I doubt that if me and whomever we're dating and i told him that I didn't want us to rush into sexing but he found out i was gettin emotionless sex from my splackavellie that he'd be cool with it because i care about him and not the dude that's getting the buried treasure!
But mature human beings understand that sex is a purely physical, natural desire, and there’s nothing wrong with fulfilling your desires.
Maybe that statement works for men who allegedly don't draw a connection between sex and emotion. But to me, and im sure some other ladies in the world, sex is only purely physical if that's what you choose to make it (booty calls, fwb, side pieces, etc). And even then, people still get caught up. That doesn't make you immature. It makes you a human being with feelings. I don't think sex is ever purely physical when there's an actual relationship involved.
I think CJ's getting a bad rap today… I'm bout to start responding as him.
<blockquote cite="comment-316256">
Lady Ngo:
I can’t buy into this just because of how many times, in real life and in the blog-o-sphere we’ve been bombarded with the notion of “how dare you make your man wait but still give it up to JonJon down the street”. BS. I doubt that if me and whomever we’re dating and i told him that I didn’t want us to rush into sexing but he found out i was gettin emotionless sex from my splackavellie that he’d be cool with it because i care about him and not the dude that’s getting the buried treasure!
CJ Says:
How is it at all possible, that this guy you're interested in could ever find out you're getting it from my homey Splax… unless you tell him. If you can't keep your sex life discreet, that's a symptom of a larger problem, and maybe the root cause of that problem is the same thing that's causing all you're relationships to fail. Address that, stop worrying about sex.
Also, chances are, this guy you're interested in is doing the same thing to you – most likely – he has one or two chicks he's fulfilling his needs with as he's courting you, so he should be mature enough to accept it. No double standards on the part of mature people. Our time together is our time together and, um, our time apart is our time apart. Now, if we get beyond the courting stage, and commit to each other, then everything else stops.
<blockquote cite="comment-316256">
Lady Ngo:
Maybe that statement works for men who allegedly don’t draw a connection between sex and emotion. But to me, and im sure some other ladies in the world, sex is only purely physical if that’s what you choose to make it (booty calls, fwb, side pieces, etc). And even then, people still get caught up. That doesn’t make you immature. It makes you a human being with feelings. I don’t think sex is ever purely physical when there’s an actual relationship involved.
CJ Says:
Nah, it does mean your immature! Learn to control your feelings.
Can CJ needs to "up" his reading comprehension skills.
1. If this situation were my own (which it isn't, this is all strictly hypothetical) i'd say that its quite easy for someone to find out that their partner is getting screwed by another person, regardless of how discreet they are. Lets not be silly about this. And your right, there is a bigger problem. And that problem is that having a Splack is CHEATING! So why should i do it? And anything you have to keep a secret is something you probably shouldn't be doing anyway.
2. we're not talking about a "guy im interested in". In this scenario, we're talking about a guy who would be in a relationship with me- just cuz i like you doesn't mean you'd be gettin the beats even if i weren't hypothetically celibate
3. "Control your feelings" is an oxymoron. Feelings are a natural response to stimuli. You can't control your feelings. You can only control your actions.
She could probably get the same results she’s interested in if she stops having sex with men she really likes. If she really likes the guy, make him wait. Find some bum n*gga to knock it down consistently. The world is a better place when everyone is getting theirs.
To be fair, in this statement, we ARE talking about a "guy you're interested in" and NOT a guy you're in a relationship with. At least that is what Most intended in this scenario. You, on the otherhand, decided to change the scenario to "in a relationship", in which Most responded once things get seroius all that other stuff stops. So it's not like you both are disagreeing on this point, you're just arguing his statement with an altered perspective that wasn't the original intention. (*cough* reading comprehension *cough* lol)
So to be clear, and maybe my reading comprehension is off, the perspective here is strictly from the courting/getting to know you phase…not being in a committed relationship. If that's the case then everything Most said…uh, I mean CJ…is pretty logical and makes sense.
"I can only defend what I said, not what you said I said."
<blockquote cite="comment-316315">
Larry:
To be fair, in this statement, we ARE talking about a “guy you’re interested in” and NOT a guy you’re in a relationship with. At least that is what Most intended in this scenario. You, on the otherhand, decided to change the scenario to “in a relationship”, in which Most responded once things get seroius all that other stuff stops. So it’s not like you both are disagreeing on this point, you’re just arguing his statement with an altered perspective that wasn’t the original intention. (*cough* reading comprehension *cough* lol)
Yeah, i can understand where you and CJ/CrazyLongNameMan (lol) are coming from because i've applied my own logic and not necessarily the "intended" logic to the scenario and as such we are probably not looking at it the same way. I mean, i still stand by my original points but i can see why we are on two different wavelengths
<blockquote cite="comment-316315">
Larry:
She could probably get the same results she’s interested in if she stops having sex with men she really likes. If she really likes the guy, make him wait. Find some bum n*gga to knock it down consistently. The world is a better place when everyone is getting theirs.
To be fair, in this statement, we ARE talking about a “guy you’re interested in” and NOT a guy you’re in a relationship with. At least that is what Most intended in this scenario. You, on the otherhand, decided to change the scenario to “in a relationship”, in which Most responded once things get seroius all that other stuff stops. So it’s not like you both are disagreeing on this point, you’re just arguing his statement with an altered perspective that wasn’t the original intention. (*cough* reading comprehension *cough* lol)
So to be clear, and maybe my reading comprehension is off, the perspective here is strictly from the courting/getting to know you phase…not being in a committed relationship. If that’s the case then everything Most said…uh, I mean CJ…is pretty logical and makes sense.
“I can only defend what I said, not what you said I said.”
CJ and Most both approve of all of this!
<blockquote cite="comment-316315">
Larry: “I can only defend what I said, not what you said I said.”
*slaps commenters out of the way and snatches mic*
GREATEST QUOTE OF ALL TIME.
You maybe right LN about not being able to control your feelings IN THE MOMENT… But over time, you can reprogram your mind to respond to shit to the way you see fit (Neuro-Linguistic Programming)
I can’t buy into this just because of how many times, in real life and in the blog-o-sphere we’ve been bombarded with the notion of “how dare you make your man wait but still give it up to JonJon down the street”. BS.
I am glad you remember the rules 🙂
Very interesting post. I am currently celibate. I can identify with Stephanie's reasoning to a large extent. However, I feel that to attempt to seriously date while being celibate would be an extremely hard thing to do to both sides. Right now I choose not only to be celibate but not to date at all. Not only is it easier but I know that I personally am not in the frame of mind to date. I know exactly what I want out of a relationship and a man, and I know the kind of woman I need to be in order to have those things. I have a lot of healing to do before I would be able to fully embrace what I want.
For any good relationship to actually work, the physical component is a pretty big contributing factor. Why then try to form a stable relationship when you are not willing to give your all in it? How is this decision working for me….? It sucks lol. A lot. I love sex. But if I have to choose between an empty bed and heartbreak… I'll take the empty bed for $200 Alex.
I think CJ's point of sleeping with a bum dude and making the guy you really like wait is messed up. No sex vs. meaningless sex…. again I'll take the no sex for $200 Alex. Wasted time and energy on someone you're not even interested in like that. Worst case scenario, the dude you really like finds out you're knocking boots with the loser while denying him. Not even worth it to me.
CJ Says:
It doesn't have to be a loser, it can be anybody … just so long as you know you're not going to develop feelings for him.
I think guys do this effectively all the time. If we like a woman, like, really like her and see her as a future long term wait, we're not going to do disrespectful ish like try to smash the first night. We'll chill and lead the relationship down a slow deliberate pace. We won't let our feelings get too far ahead of us, we won't commit too soon, we'll just enjoy the courting period and the process of getting to know the woman.
But at the same time, you better believe I'm still sleeping with Keisha, who I've been sleeping with for the past 5 years, who is totally content with our exclusively sexual relationships.
I believe we all have the capacity to do that, women just choose not to.
"It doesn’t have to be a loser, it can be anybody … [just so long as you know you’re not going to develop feelings for him."]
There's No Guarantees in this here^^^^ How often do you run into couples in which you'll look at her and then you look at dude while scratching your head like "How in the Hell Did He Pull That?" — well guess what, she probably had no intentions of falling for dude AT ALL but as s.ex progressed she did.
It's been said many times that most women aren't capable of keeping our feelings/emotions in check when it comes to s.ex.
I think guys do this effectively all the time.
ALL .dee. time…ALLDEETIME, lol.
truth.com
I find it interesting how guys can find women like "Keisha" with good consistency and have sexual relations for 5 years and be content with just that, but women aren't capable of keeping their feelings/emotions in check when it comes to chex. *shrugs* Sooo the Keisha's of the world are the exception and not the rule then?? Oh well..
I think that men would be surprised to know that "Keisha" is really more in control of her actions than her emotions and she might really wanna beat the mess out of you but chooses not to because she just wants to keep you around. Just because she doesn't go all "Thin Line Between Love and Hate" on you doesn't mean those feelings (or other feelings) aren't there. And if you all been doin the do consistently for 5 years…then she's had somewhat of a lock on you for 5 years, so what on earth is there to complain about unless you're actually treating her like the freak up the street rather than givin her even a lil respect (which after 5 years i doubt would be the case).
<blockquote cite="comment-316322">
Larry: I think guys do this effectively all the time.ALL .dee. time…ALLDEETIME, lol. truth.comI find it interesting how guys can find women like “Keisha” with good consistency and have sexual relations for 5 years and be content with just that, but women aren’t capable of keeping their feelings/emotions in check when it comes to chex. *shrugs* Sooo the Keisha’s of the world are the exception and not the rule then?? Oh well..
Pretty Much.
CJ Says,
Stop worrying about Keisha. Keisha fine, she coming to the wedding.
lol kesha just might be the 1 speak now and not hold her peace. Watch out now!
I wouldn't listen to CJ. He's just thinking with his penis. For most guys, s.ex is just physical but for most women (and obviously Stephanie) it's spiritual, mental, emotional and etc.. I'm not saying women can't just have s.ex with a random guy to take care of her urges but when you're looking for a deeper connection or a partner, it just gets in the way.
I was celibate for three long years during my separation and divorce…and it was refreshing. I was healing, I was focusing on myself and my kids…guys were trying to hit left and right but I was just too hurt and too damaged at the time…..when I was finally able and ready to let my guard down and let someone in…the first time was great…no regrets. I would be celibate again if the circumstances were right….
As far as CJ's perspective, I can't really ride with it..CJ is suggesting that a Woman get with some bum nigga, amd let him knock it down….and let the Man a woman likes alot wait….why would I give my goodies to some bum nigga..and wait. The minute you start doing that, guess what, the Woman will at some point start catchin some feelings for bum dude…because of the chemical bonding that takes place when a Woman has s*x with a Man..so, we're not even designed for that type of behavior in general…but, there are always a few exceptions.
CJ Says:
Recovering from a divorce is a valid reason to be celibate for a while if ever there were a valid reason to be celibate. Cosign!
I think alot of people are missing CJ's primary point (giving it up to the next ninja threw it all off) but some women do look at sex as a cure all; but you can put a bandaid on a broken bone. Celibacy only solves sex related problems. If your past relationships failed because you had trust issues, lack ambition, gave up on love too easily then celibacy isnt going to help you.
Like x infinity
<blockquote cite="comment-316266">
herbetteroption: Celibacy only solves sex related problems. If your past relationships failed because you had trust issues, lack ambition, gave up on love too easily then celibacy isnt going to help you.
I mostly agree with this statement. However, I think refraining from s.ex prematurely effects other areas…like helping to keep your mind focused on observing more important elements of building a lasting relationship.
That last sentence is GOLDEN! However, your examples could also be the results of a person who consistently attempts to have relationships with people they should have passed on from the jump…people who incite suspision or people who's natural flow doesn't flow smoothly with yours.
I think choosing celibacy is a personal decision for each person and done for different reasons. I agree more with Most Interesting view point. Sex, intimacy and love making are different for everyone. Me personally I've done the celibacy thing …and it works for me. I need an emotional attachment with someone for sex to be fulfilling no matter how good the D is…..but thats me.
"But mature human beings understand that sex is a purely physical, natural desire, and there’s nothing wrong with fulfilling your desires.", I have a issue with that perspective. Sex isn't just a physical thing…well maybe for animals..but I would think we as humans have evolved some since the caveman days.
This topic hits home for me because I’m currently celibate. I can definitely identify with Stephanie. When I separated from my ex I felt that a new relationship would help heal that wound. I thought I could screw my disappointments and low self-esteem away. I was in control of my body and was sexually liberated.
Well that lasted all of six months when I realized I was just a FWB. It hurt because I was so use to being in a relationship before sex. I didn’t feel free or in control, instead I felt used. It is true that I went to church and got saved. But most importantly I began to value my body for the first time in my life. For me personally, I can’t have sex with someone without being attached to them. I’m not waiting until marriage, but I do want to be in a committed relationship.
I’ve come across men like CJ, and they get the deuces. I know my mind, body, and emotions way better than some dude that just wants to get a piece. I think it takes a very mature individual to be self-aware and honest about their strengths and weaknesses. Sex has always been a weakness for me, so now I can date with an open mind and truly enjoy myself. I know my worth and I’m not letting just anyone into my temple.
I pretty much agree with CJ. While I can respect why Stephanie made the decision she made. Applying her reasoning to real life, beyond the character you have briefly described, I've found most women are "celibate" out of convenience, which really only means they're not having sex until the right man comes along. Then again, I'm sure celibacy is defined by one's own interpretation because I know for a fact it is not practiced the same by all women.
Similar to 'herbetteroption's response, I can respect a woman being celibate and to a degree I believe it makes a lot of sense. However, simply cutting sex out of the equation will do little to fix your relationships if their is no self analysis involved. In other words, you may weed out some of the men who only wanted sex but you still have to choose a good man from the remaining contenders. Further, if the common denominator in all your failed relationships – beyond the complications of sex – is you, then some additional self-evaluation is likely warranted. Perhaps removing sex from the table is a good first step though.
I'm really glad that a lot of comments realize that celibacy has a purpose. Too often I hear people say they are celibate simply because its a sexual drought.
I think the chick in the story had a valid reason for her celibacy. Sex was playing too big of a role than she felt it should sup she removed it from the equation. I also think she may have ben looking for celibacy to be a panacea for her relationship issues.
CJ's advice was valid but is potentially dangerous for this situation. Never trell a person that of striking with sex to have random sex. It just makes things worse from my experience.
I absolutely hate when women throw the word celibate and celibacy around like its a light switch and it can be turned off and on. And women use it so often cuz it has such a powerful meaning, but it takes a STRONG woman to maintain such a powerful word. Nowadays, the word has lost it's edge. I just roll my eyes and shake my head when a women says "I think imma be celibate" …Pssshhttt yo azz don't even know how to spell celibate.
Instead of saying your going to be celibate, how bout you just try being abstinent … it makes u look like less of a fool when you let the next man crash on a Friday night after ya did dinner and a movie.
A woman saying she's going to be celibate is like a man saying he's not going to mastur his bation … Good Luck!!!
I agree – I know in my case I went through periods of abstaining but after my last relationship I had to re-evaluate some things. Going out for me (dating) is much different now because I was told before now I dated like a dude (whatever that means). Now that I am celibate it has truly cut back on the # of suitors
True celibacy and virgins always seem to detract suitors. Naturally so tho. I mean it changes the dynamics of a man's expectations. If i know i'm not ready for a relationship or that you don't have all the qualities i'd like to see in a mate then instead of waiting around to hopefully smang, i'mma just cut my loses early cuz you aren't giving it up anyways.
Hmmmm, i was bout to be on some weak azz Steve Harvey type stuff and tell ya ladies trade secrets, but i'll keep it to myself.
Anyways, i commend any man that genuinely dates/courts a true abstinent/celibate/virgin woman. Like i said before, if you know off rip that you'd like a sexual relationship … spare your time and bread on a woman more willing if that's your steelo.
<blockquote cite="comment-316304">
Hmmmm, i was bout to be on some weak azz Steve Harvey type stuff and tell ya ladies trade secrets, but i’ll keep it to myself.
Every woman should have a brother or male friend that keeps her up on these things! #fotunatelyido yet another reason I'm celibate now lol
"Every woman should have a brother or male friend that keeps her up on these things! "
You ain't lying.. I am truly blessed
<blockquote cite="comment-316283">
@Top5DOA: Nowadays, the word has lost it’s edge. I just roll my eyes and shake my head when a women says “I think imma be celibate” …Pssshhttt yo azz don’t even know how to spell celibate.
THIS!!!! This is one reason why Stephanie's method won't work and CJ seems so indifferent.
Nothing irks me more than this. Women are seriously tossing around "celibate", "abstinent" and whatever else SO OFTEN I think men have became jaded and have it fixed in their minds that "I'm Celibate/Abstinent" means "I'm trying to convince you that I am good because I want you to treat me like a good girl – that means giving me the respect you should give me any way.. but whatever… show me some manners and you will be able to smash in no time. " And "I'm a virgin" means "I have not met anyone with enough game to make me drop my panties. So come harder than the rest of them (no pun intended)! Oh and yes of course I will provide oral services during the few weeks before I am overtaken by your method of seduction. I'm a virgin applies only below my waist, duh!".
<blockquote cite="comment-316304">
@Top5DOA: If i know i’m not ready for a relationship or that you don’t have all the qualities i’d like to see in a mate then instead of waiting around to hopefully smang, i’mma just cut my loses early cuz you aren’t giving it up anyways.
Would you REALLY wait around under the right conditions though? I mean… you said wait around to HOPEFULLY smash (as opposed to.. until we get married… or until she's ready, etc. lol).
This is not removing sex. You can still do this and have a silent countdown in your head that prevents us from having the connection women like Stephanie think comes from not having sex. I can say with confidence that delaying is not denying. No means "not now but try again tomorrow or maybe in five minutes" to men. And they can be quite persistent with no real intention of establishing little more than the fact that you presented them with a new challenge, and they won.
<blockquote cite="comment-316341">
LetsLove aka OnTheBrinkOfThrowingInTheTowel:
Would you REALLY wait around under the right conditions though? I mean…you said wait around to HOPEFULLY smash (as opposed to.. until we get married… or until she’s ready, etc. lol).
I've waited for women who i liked, but not enough to make relationships moves with. For me, it takes being attractive and having a cool personality for me to want to be intimate. I won't wait longer than 3 months tho. A woman that says i'm waiting til i get married is a waste of time. While i'm waiting for the woman i really like, i'll definitely be sure to have a woman who isn't so strictly morally coded in the area to hold me over until she does. A committed relationship is the only prerequisite for monogamy.
<blockquote cite="comment-316266">
herbetteroption:
I think alot of people are missing CJ’s primary point (giving it up to the next ninja threw it all off) but some women do look at sex as a cure all; but you can put a bandaid on a broken bone.Celibacy only solves sex related problems.If your past relationships failed because you had trust issues, lack ambition, gave up on love too easily then celibacy isnt going to help you.
Ding ding ding!!!
"So, hopefully, celibacy will bring clarity. I feel like, when I’m dating a guy, before we have sex, all the both of us think about is sex. I’m wondering when it’s going to be acceptable to sleep with him, he’s wondering when it’s acceptable to try me–it just dominates the relationship. I think if I just take sex off the table from jump, I’ll immediately weed out all the guys who are just interested in that, and the ones who are left, I’ll be able to build honest relationships with where the sole focus is getting to know each other.”
I just don't understand how taking sex off the table keeps you from thinking about it. You can SAY having sex isn't an option… but I'm sure you're STILL going to think about it.
I read somewhere that the reason why relationships seem to change for the worse after sex happens has to do with a woman's expectations afterwards. The point of the article was that sometimes, women have sex, not necessarily because they are ready for it, but because they assume that they will be able to create a certain outcome from having sex. However, afterwards… the woman can become paranoid, because they are constantly worrying about if they made the right decision and constantly overanalyzing every aspect of the relationship, which in turn, affects their mood… which can then throw off the energy in the relationship and cause it to fail. I think there's a lot of truth to this… I know that I've been in this same situation before.
The thing is… I think we women can sometimes put way too much pressure on ourselves. A man can be interested in having sex with you AND building with you on an emotional level. You don't always have to give up one for the other.
I think being celibate is good if you're looking for some mental or spiritual clarity… but using it to catch "the right man"??? I'm not sure if its really necessariy in order to for you to get the outcome that you're looking for. But I'm not knocking celibacy, at all… I just don't think that its a cure – all…
"I think being celibate is good if you’re looking for some mental or spiritual clarity… but using it to catch “the right man”???"
I Agree.
"Abstinence" would suffice
<blockquote cite="comment-316245">
Malik:
I agree with CJ in part because a lot of women use celibacy as the cure to their relationships. Similar to how some formerly ‘loose’ women go back/to the Church after 1 too many terrible instances. I’m not anti-celibacy in the least, but from what I’ve seen it’s used as a crutch until they find their ‘perfect man’ who’ll wait until their married or whenever. Basic self-evaluation would do wonders in figuring who out who are as person, what type of people you have continuously dated, what were the success/failures in the relationship, and what you need/provide from a significant other.
I’d like to note that I define celibacy as continually dating while not engaging in sex. This is opposed to not getting into romantic relationships altogether.
Maybe they did self-reflect and evaluated and think sex was the root of the problem with the past relationships and not necessarily other components. She sounds like she didn't date a string of "Bad" guys or anything like that. She feels like she is giving herself away with sex and wants to not continue to do that with this guy or that guy in relationships that don't last.
I think s.ex is a powerful element between two people…rela or no rela. And, anything powerful must be handled wisely and with care. Stephanie seems interested in learning how to use this power in a way that brings her lasting benefits. CJ doesn't seem to be against this completely…he just questions some aspects of her methods. CJ seems like the type of person who thinks he's mastered controlling how s.ex effects himself and others. But, this is a misconception. There is no way to really foresee how s.ex with an individual will ultimately effect you or others…which is why random s.ex is emotionally dangerous.
I think the term "celibate/celibacy" is thrown around these days. When I think of this term, I think of people who once engaged in premarital s.ex deciding to save s.ex for marriage…not the right bf/gf, not the engagement, but marriage. Most people who use the term these days, IMO, are just exercising self-control until they feel they found the right bf/gf.
If your ultimate rela goal is a life partner, it's best to hold off on s.ex until you're sure this person is a good match for you…emotionally, aesthetically, and on paper (character/goal specs). Premature s.ex often clouds judgment and makes you overlook aspects of a relationship that should really end the relationship…aspects that should be deal breakers. Self-control is key…not necessarily celibacy (though celibacy works and is ideal).
CO I'm gonna have to consult my dictionary…I associate "celibacy" with priests, monks, nuns and the like. Folks who say no to sex for life – a vow of celibacy. I would agree with a previous poster and call what Stephanie is doing abstinence. And in some cases, just not getting any, lol.
man, im glad i wasn't the only one thinking "abstinent not celibate" lol. I even went and looked it up to make sure i wasn't trippin about my definitions
The primary definition of celibate is relates not only to sex, but also to marriage. It's the state of not being married. But that's kind of archaic because, back in the day, everyone who had sex was expected to be married, so, if you weren't married you weren't having sex.
The secondary definition of "celibate" is the state of abstaining from sexual intercourse. There are no associated time periods with this definition. So, for example, a monk might take a lifelong vow of celibacy – it's the vow that delineates the duration, not the fact that he's celibate.
Lastly, you can be abstinent from anything. Abstinence, by itself is just the forbearance of something specific. You can abstain from eating chocolate, or abstain from cursing. It's not specifically related to sex. That's why, in Stephanie's case, "celibate" is the correct word to use.
@ TMIMITW
The term, Abstinence, is used/promoted in s.ex ed all the time…and a secondary definition of Abstinence is "abstention of s.exual intercourse". The fact that you can abstain from anything doesn't dilute the terms usage as it relates to s.ex.
IMO, celibacy is such a strong, absolute/extended period of time type of term…with no s.exual activity involved at all. Abstinence has voluntary and temporary connotations attached to it…you can check in and check out at any time…and it seems more fitting to what most describe…especially since you can be abstinent and still handle yourself or do foreplay type stuff. When I think of a celibate person, I think of a person who ain't doing ANYTHING, lol…maybe it's wrong to assume that…
LOL @ "just not getting any"!
Agreed, Teflon, agreed.
<blockquote cite="comment-316288">
LiveLoveSing: Ding ding ding!!!
ok wait actually I wanna revise this cosign. Celibacy alone won't fix those issues. But working specifically on those issued without the distraction of sex will do WONDERS.
how u gonna veto ur cosign…i'll be sure not to call u when i need a loan lol
I never went through a specifically defined "celibacy" – I would just say "I'm not feeling it" and if it went too long I'd call it a drought, lol. I can totally see where Stephanie is coming from, sometimes you have to bench yourself so that you can heal and come back to the game refreshed. Sex does cloud good decision making.
But LACK of sex can cloud good decision making too! It's like trying to grocery shop when you're hungry as sh!t, you meant to get fresh strawberries and next thing you know you've got a strawberry milkshake because it smelled the same. I don't know why we're all clutching our pearls at the thought of a maintenance man. Please – that bamma has been around forever, and men have been mad about it for just as long. I don't know a single woman who holds out on the goodies who thinks the guy she's seeing is sitting at home with Jergens and a frown, waiting for her to see the light. We know you got somebody. But unlike most men, who are ready to erase her number if he finds out that another man is sniffing around, women get into competition mode and do what they can to stand out from the crowd.
I totally cosign this statement:
<blockquote cite="comment-316294">
Teflon Temptress:
But LACK of sex can cloud good decision making too!It’s like trying to grocery shop when you’re hungry as sh!t, you meant to get fresh strawberries and next thing you know you’ve got a strawberry milkshake because it smelled the same.
And CJ totally Cosigns this:
Teflon Temptress:
I don’t know why we’re all clutching our pearls at the thought of a maintenance man.Please – that bamma has been around forever, and men have been mad about it for just as long.I don’t know a single woman who holds out on the goodies who thinks the guy she’s seeing is sitting at home with Jergens and a frown, waiting for her to see the light.We know you got somebody. But unlike most men, who are ready to erase her number if he finds out that another man is sniffing around, women get into competition mode and do what they can to stand out from the crowd.
This is why I effs with Teff…
Lol. Cosign all of this (as far as the maintenance when your dating ladies you always have to keep a pair and a spare… The maintenance man is the spare.
Ppl have this problem b/c they think celibacy is just don't have sex. The point of celibacy is not just to stop having sex until you find that special person, but to learn how to control your urges. I don't mean surpress them and then be all hot and open when you think you met mr. Right but knowing how to not let your want for sex / horniess control you decision making process.
I've tried the maintenance man thing, it didn;t work too well. I just have a problem with having s.ex with two people at the same time. I always think about the worse case scenario, and in this case what comes to mind is me on Maury with no clue who the dad is….
<blockquote cite="comment-316256">
Lady Ngo: That doesn’t make you immature. It makes you a human being with feelings. I don’t think sex is ever purely physical when there’s an actual relationship involved.
This, this, this, this …
Lol Ladies. Please don't listen to CJ. He's on that whole "date like a man" thing. Men and women are different and should not be dating the same way. We're built differently, and we just can't walk away from sex like that. When we orgasm, we secrete oxytocin, the same thing that women secrete in high levels during childbirth. Its a hormone that is well known to facilitate bonding, and its the reason why we cannot walk away from our children the way a man can. In fact, when the inhibit oxytocin release in rats who were giving birth, the mommy rats would refuse to feed their young and act like they don't know their child.
Anyway, point is women are not equipped for casual sex. If its good sex, and he's bringing you to climax, you're gonna develop feelings for dude. Its in our genetic makeup. And I know that there's gonna be some woman who's going to say she can have sex without developing feelings, and I would tell her she's an anomaly, and probably has some sort of genetic mutation on the oxytocin gene lol. This has been proven again and again.
*LightBulb*
Hmmmmm.
Thinking an Oxytocin Deficiency may have some merit to it when it comes to certain women (i.e. women who have multiple kids and just don't give a damn about their welfare/or just up and leave them with whomever, professional ladies of the night, women who CAN s.ex men without getting attached, etc.) I wonder if it's heredity/genetic or due to social/family background upbringing?
I think I need to google this.
Anyway, point is women are not equipped for casual sex
I believe the ladies of the P*rn and Prostitution industry will respectfully disagree, lol.
On the flipside, I guess for them chex isn't casual, it's work, lol.
Oxytocin is like a fart….strong at first, but it eventually wears down to normal levels. That warm and fuzzy post sex feeling can end quickly when those feelings are ONLY generated in the bedroom. Trust.
I find agreement with both stephanie and CJ. A lot of commenters echo my thoughts.
You have to find the root cause of why things aint working out for you. A lot of people that choose to be celibate, point to sex as the reason because its one of the most powerful ways to express love, but just like someone above said, maybe its not sex, maybe its other factors!
Do it for the right reasons and not to put some gravel down to fill apothole.
P.S. a lot of the cosigning that CJ is wrong by all the likes, to me are the same people who spit all this "you right girl" bravado, but are texting dudes right now setting it up for the weekend! Not judging, just observing.
*waits for thumbs downs*
Good Morning!
@Streetz
haha you are so right. smh. *shrug*
<blockquote cite="comment-316308">
Streetz: P.S. a lot of the cosigning that CJ is wrong by all the likes, to me are the same people who spit all this “you right girl” bravado, but are texting dudes right now setting it up for the weekend! Not judging, just observing.*waits for thumbs downs*Good Morning!
It's easier to preach than to practice.
Women generally have a tendency to get all high and mighty when discussing the topic of sex that isn't about them reaching orgasm. They shut down and become the damn Virgin Mary all of a sudden.
Wow, I already dislike CJ! Cant wait to download and read this.
Aww you shouldn't – he's that dude that will keep it trill with ya……… I just downloaded it! All I need is a glass of DSquared Zinfandel!
Yes I know… but still. lol.
I'm Downloading now…wheres my Sauvignon Blanc?
I think a lot of people forget that when you have sex feelings always get somewhat involved. We also forget that there are more feelings than just love. A lot of times when a women is having sex with a man the feelings that she is having isn't always love, it could be comfort, maybe she wants to feel in control, she feels wanted, she feels special or even needed, she feels like she has a companion or just horny. Stephanie is choosing celibacy not as a crutch but as away to make sure those feelings above doesn't form an illusion of intimacy as a substitute for what she really wants with a man that does not love or truly care for her.
I feel where CJ is coming from though because even if you take sex out the situation b/c you feel its the main cause / with out taking into account other factors (ie self) then you are still giving sex power. I don't think CJ was trying to say that adults who don't think his way are not mature, but that adults who try to understand sex from every angle understand that it can be used in its simplest from, just the physical (no intense feelings) Even when you are in relationship when you have sex with your partner its a way to express your love but at the same time ever time you guys have sex its not this deep thing, sometimes it's just to get that physical pleasure (get that itch that needs to be scratched)
(Sorry for any errors I'm using my blackberry and it aint easy)
<blockquote cite="comment-316321">
Smilez_920: We also forget that there are more feelings than just love. A lot of times when a women is having sex with a man the feelings that she is having isn’t always love, it could be comfort, maybe she wants to feel in control, she feels wanted, she feels special or even needed, she feels like she has a companion or just horny. Stephanie is choosing celibacy not as a crutch but as away to make sure those feelings above doesn’t form an illusion of intimacy as a substitute for what she really wants with a man that does not love or truly care for her.
All of that first paragraph! All of it!
<blockquote cite="comment-316304">
@Top5DOA: True celibacy and virgins always seem to detract suitors. Naturally so tho. I mean it changes the dynamics of a man’s expectations. If i know i’m not ready for a relationship or that you don’t have all the qualities i’d like to see in a mate then instead of waiting around to hopefully smang, i’mma just cut my loses early cuz you aren’t giving it up anyways.
This, right here, is the point we're trying to make, and the reason so many women have decided to abstain. We WANT you to cut your losses because your interest in us is purely sexual. You're saying this like detracting suitors like you is a BAD thing. This is good!
Co-sign.
Exactly. People should not try to attract anyone and everyone out there. They should only be concerned with attracting those that are a good match for them.
This, right here, is the point we’re trying to make, and the reason so many women have decided to abstain. We WANT you to cut your losses because your interest in us is purely sexual. You’re saying this like detracting suitors like you is a BAD thing. This is good!
I agree with this if the sole interest is purely sexual. Where it gets gray for me is what if there is a genuine interest, you have the qualities I'm looking for, I'm ready to settle down AND I have a sexual interest (naturally). So I feel we're a good match, but you're abstaining, and for argument's sake let's say I'm an all around good guy you can see yourself with. Mind you the assumption is we are in the beginning stages/getting to know you/courting or whatever…and there could be another young lady or two I'm courting at the same time who hold your same qualities, but they're more liberal their stance on abstaning.
Now if I decide to choose one of the other people I'm courting and not yourself, I almost feel I'm being wrongly put in the category of "he just wanted chex and wasn't really interested in me"…which wasn't the case at ALL. I did genuinely like you, but like Highlander "there can only be one!" lol.
I guess where I'm going with this is is there a fear that women may be detracting suitors that are actually awesome candidates? I'm not implying that you need to give it up to every dude you're on the fence about just to see, but I think there is a lot of gray and things aren't just as black and white as some would describe.
Good scenario, point and question.
It's not a bad thing, but at the same time there's always a slight "Woe is me" tone underneath all those detracted suitors that possibly could've been the one had they not been looking for sexual fulfillment. People are people, some are looking for a mate others are surveying the field and others are looking for sexual pleasures. The same reason you look down on someone for not being on what you're on is the exact same reason why they can look down on you for not being on what they're on, so judging someone (not saying ya are) for not needing to settle down is a bit one-sided.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with being on 2 different pages, especially if both parties are being honest. Ultimately, being in one accord is the move whether it's mutually wanting a sexual relationship or wanting to get to know ones aspirations, goals, personality, desires.
Goood for those women who feel like celibacy is going to bring more meaning into her life.
Will be checking out the book soon… No need to thank me….. I am a savage
"She said she was celibate, for the right price she might sell a bit…" Sorry. Had to get that out my system. It's the first thing I think of when I hear the word. Anywho. As I thought about what I was really going to say on this topic, I listened to Jill Scott's interview w/ Afrobella and she said, "I don't want to be physically satisfied and emotionally empty". I think that's the place a lot of women get to when they decide to be "celibate", abstain, go without, say nah n**gga I'm cool – whatever you wanna call it. Or however you wanna describe it. Or judge it. Or justify it. Sometimes breaks are necessary for the soul. To re-evaluate yourself and your wants. To just do you – literally and metaphorically.
You can be celibate by choice or circumstance – and I don't think an aha moment is going to occur every single time, with every single person. And I don't think you should put that kind of ok I'ma keep my legs closed, just hold out til I find THE ONE this time kinda pressure on yourself – we are physical beings for goodness sakes. But sometimes you do need to step back and be like, but ok this right here ain't workin. So I'ma just stop. Wait. Take a break…
Looking forward to reading the book Most! And good post.
This might be lengthy though.
I'm somewhere in between Most and CJ's prospective (minus the condescending tone) though I've taken Stephanie's path a long while ago. My motivations where different. It wasn't b/c of spiritual reasons or due to a break up, I just wanted to "try it." Currently, I have a friend (that happens to be a woman) that just got out of a relationship and also thinks that being celibate will allow her to obtain better relationships. I've been celibate before and I DISAGREE.
You can't knock the attempts of people changing themselves to achieve better relationships. CJ's perspective acts like it takes away from his potential beats or something. It is NOT in the best interest of her. Not saying he wants to chex her, but it's not taking into consideration HER account of it affect HER a certain way. Even though I disagree with most of ladies here, that's only speaking from my prospective. However, you cannot sit there ignore tons of people that say sex clouds their judgements if they are saying it clouds their judgements. What I think CJ is disagreeing with is the motivation. Stephanie CLEARLY says that sex is important to her (read: affects her) more than she originally thought within a relationship. The question in all men minds are something like: Why do you allow it to cloud your judgement in relationships?
I'ma call it like I see it. It's about WHEN you become celibate. Mid-twenties-> early 30s you're probably getting into the meat of trying obtain substance in a relationship, it's been on your todo list for a while. So it makes since that after a few tries one would want to strive for something deeper than the configuration of relationships of high school and college. Is sex (or lack there of) is the answer? Only the individual knows. At the same time let's not beat around the bush here, pun.
Some of the motivation people use for celibacy is akin to a woman cutting her hair after a big break up. I said SOME, which means NOT ALL people do it for that reason. A change for the sake of change usually doesn't work. Why? B/c you can have perfectly sucky relationships when there isn't sex involved. Now you're just adding sexual frustration on top of everything else. Read that twice.
'No sex' doesn't equal 'better relationships' unless you was/are a certifiable sex addict. Point blank. But let's not be unreasonable, the drive to better oneself viewpoint and individual mechanics within a relationship is admirable. I ADMIRE that ish. Not the celibacy part, just the desire to better one relationships to find substance. Is that and sex mutually exclusive? Not for ME. And that's it. It's individual specific. Sex is handled differently by each person. So it begs the question:
Is celibacy a placebo?
That's a fair question. All the celibate women AND men I know are single. Meaning that they continued to date and pursue relationships and well… are single. Does it mean celibacy "failed" them? NO since you can't measure a person's growth by whether on not their in a "relationship." But the goal was to not allow sex WITHIN a relationship so it doesn't cloud judgements WITHIN the relationship. So what if you're NOT in a relationship? How does having sex outside of a relationship cloud your judgements when you finally get in a relationship (with a different person)? People will say you can't ignore the evidence that theirs an emotional (spiritual?) connection that's made while having sex. And I agree, withing the context of relationships though. So does it make sense to smash on the regular some non-relationship dude why not giving the goods to your partner? That's BS. I'll break up with someone over that. You're NOT going to give something intimate to someone who isn't me while giving me less than that. nah ma… That's called being a garden tool. So what's the solution? Have sex with NO ONE.
And there you have it. 🙂
Let's apply this analysis to REAL life. My interpretation of the "let's take sex off the table" routine is that many people want to wait until they're sure long-term commitment by both partners is obvious and the relationship is functional. That's a good thing. Don't let the concept of not having sex eclipse the drive to have a working relationship. However, each celibate person is openly admitting that they are holding back in a loving long-term relationship until their mental benchmark is accomplished (marriage?). Hence, a functional relationship COULD (and so many do) suffer given a partner not willing to fully be open to any type of relations possible. Not b/c it's sex, but b/c it's your partner holding a part of them back. Though I can relate to the celibates (lol). I'm NOT introducing any woman, no matter how great the relationship to my grandmother until I'm marrying her. Hence, family holidays where we go to her, she'll be LEFT OUT. My family is likely to integrate anyone who I introduce, so I'm not willy nilly on who sees who. Now, not introducing a long-term partner to your family may impede that person being a life-long partner. She may feel like you're hiding her and you have you "real" partner in the shadows. I can understand that feeling. But that's similar (NOT THE SAME) as what some of the men are saying in the context of a relationship. To add insult to injury, just like a celibates' exes have smashed and still may be "friends" with them, that's just like having an ex around my grandmother but not my long-term gf. Would a woman have an issue? I BET SHE WOULD.
Her: Oh. you let Tasha ol' stank cheating behind be all up in your family but me who been here ride or die for you ALL this time I can't?
Me: Let's talk about it then.
Any celibate: well yeah… problem?
However, I'm not unreasonable. I'm OPEN to my partner bringing up the idea of meeting my grandmother. I'm not going to agree off bat no. But… You can at least attempt to make a case that our relationship demonstrates features that puts us in a category where full commitment is real and working. And that's the difference between me and the celibates.
Like I said, I disagree with the motivation at times. But I personally can look out for my best interest and the interest of a relationship, strive for substance, be a cheerleader, push myself and my partner to become better, be fully committed and EVERYTHING else while bangin' her back out. I don't see how I could not given the relationship is my primary concern NOT the sex.
And if this doesn't work, I'm going to take a period of celibacy from making long posts.
You're trying to become the Saturday guy at SBM, huh?! LOL! (teasing)
"Why do you allow it to cloud your judgment in relationships?" That's a really tough question. But, when I mentioned this in my main comment, I'm really referring to s.ex had during the period when you're still determining A) whether or not this person is a good match for you and B) if the happy, "this is it" feelings are mutual. So, at this point, you haven't put a label on the relationship…but y'all are def not in the "friend zone"…and you're really ready for a commitment. If you have s.ex during this time, everything good about them becomes "GREAT" and you could start to "forget" facts like "I really don't want to commit to a smoker" (they smoke), "I want to attend church as a family" (they don't do organized religion), "I prefer a well groomed man" (they go to the barber shop on special occasions)…and start to think you can live without them…completely forgetting that you realized before that you couldn't…which was why you added them to the "deal breaker" list in the first place! The comforts and powers of a s.exual relationship with someone you're comfy with will temporarily silence the voice in your head that's telling you to "Wait for the guy you really want". Then, you'll commit. Eventually, the voices in your head will get louder and all the things you "forgot" you didn't want to deal with will begin to annoy your life and then, you'll eventually have to end the relationship…possibly hurting the other persons feelings (how am I all of a sudden not good enough) and leaving you wondering "how did I get here…again"?
A lot of women (and some guys too) are so pressed to be in a relationship that they will settle for "good enough"…instead off cutting ties once you realize the match wasn't made in heaven. And, since, sometimes, the intimacy involved in a s.exual relationship can be confused with the intimacy shared on a deep emotional and spiritual "this might be the one" level, you don't even realize right away that you're settling…
TMIMITW's quote from earlier works here as well as a possible reason: "I think many of us have the tendency to project our desires, or what we believe to be our desires on the new people we meet – especially if we’re attracted to the physically. We make them out to be perfect, and then because we’ve projected perfection onto them, we have sex with them (usually too early). Then 3 months later we realize they’re not so perfect and because we’re expecting perfection, we can’t really accept them for who they are. So then we bounce. It’s a crazy cycle. This is why celibacy works for some – it mitigates poor decisions based on physical attraction – to a certain extent."
yeah Saturday… no one would read it. So I could bomb it and it'll be gravy. Good lookin' folk. LOL
I can feel this. But IS that celibacy though? Basically saying wait until you're in a committed relationship to have sex. This "celibacy," "waiting until marriage," "what you believe" and various other forms end up being smoke and mirrors. In practice, most women (also I don't have the most elaborate dataset either) end up using the this as a safe guard (erlang) during the dating process and that's it. That's one of my issues that I have with these drastic statements: when/where they're applied, the dating arena and NOT the actual relationship. It's a rouse… At the same time, I'm not putting in so much work within a committed relationship so she can say I'm not good enough… But she let Joe-Blow smang tho. Hence, my family reference.
That's not celibacy…at all..IMO. I think it's exercising self-control…or circumstantial abstinence (ha…I just made that up, lol).
"In practice, most women (also I don’t have the most elaborate dataset either) end up using the this as a safe guard (erlang) during the dating process and that’s it."
I totally agree with this…and I totally feel that they (or we) should, lol…but without the unnecessarily deep celibacy label, lol. Self-control/abstinence gives the same results.
<blockquote cite="comment-316336">
Larry: Anyway, point is women are not equipped for casual sexI believe the ladies of the P*rn and Prostitution industry will respectfully disagree, lol. On the flipside, I guess for them chex isn’t casual, it’s work, lol.
That's right it IS work and a lot of us know how it feels to do things at work that we don't internally agree with: it screws you up emotionally and mentally. Pros have alot of issues, physically mentally and emotionally due to thier choice of work. A lot of people make money doing things they dont agree with, it doesn't mean they LIKE it or that they are not having issues because it. Ask any d hustler…
<blockquote cite="comment-316338">
Larry: This, right here, is the point we’re trying to make, and the reason so many women have decided to abstain. We WANT you to cut your losses because your interest in us is purely sexual. You’re saying this like detracting suitors like you is a BAD thing. This is good! I agree with this if the sole interest is purely sexual. Where it gets gray for me is what if there is a genuine interest, you have the qualities I’m looking for, I’m ready to settle down AND I have a sexual interest (naturally). So I feel we’re a good match, but you’re abstaining, and for argument’s sake let’s say I’m an all around good guy you can see yourself with. Mind you the assumption is we are in the beginning stages/getting to know you/courting or whatever…and there could be another young lady or two I’m courting at the same time who hold your same qualities, but they’re more liberal their stance on abstaning. Now if I decide to choose one of the other people I’m courting and not yourself, I almost feel I’m being wrongly put in the category of “he just wanted chex and wasn’t really interested in me”…which wasn’t the case at ALL. I did genuinely like you, but like Highlander “there can only be one!” lol. I guess where I’m going with this is is there a fear that women may be detracting suitors that are actually awesome candidates? I’m not implying that you need to give it up to every dude you’re on the fence about just to see, but I think there is a lot of gray and things aren’t just as black and white as some would describe.
I see your point, but I'd rather take my chances and be the one abstaining in your pool of candidates "with similar qualities." It's quite possible that your desire to date me is about more than just sex, but chances are, if I tell you I'm celibate or abstaining and you get ghost, your desire to have sex with me trumps your desire to get to know me, and I'm better off without you.
Either way, I stand to "lose." If I'm not giving it up, I stand to lose him, but if I'm giving it up, I stand to lose another piece of myself. Frankly, I'd rather lose him. I think this reasoning is why some women decide to be celibate or abstain.
<blockquote cite="comment-316350">
thirtythoughts: I see your point, but I’d rather take my chances and be the one abstaining in your pool of candidates “with similar qualities.”It’s quite possible that your desire to date me is about more than just sex, but chances are, if I tell you I’m celibate or abstaining and you get ghost, your desire to have sex with me trumps your desire to get to know me, and I’m better off without you.
That's my take on the matter as well. I can see the flaw in the design but at the end of the day if that's my plan, i'd rather risk losing the man then losing any portion of my self or self-respect depending on the situation.
I am not one of the ppl who thinks cutting out the sex automatically makes the relationship better because a relationship is only as good as the two people in it. But I can see how cutting out that distraction could give you the opportunity to get to know one another better. And once there's a commitment between the two of you then you can take things from there. Since in this scenario you're dating multiple chicks, there's obviously not that level of commitment yet. Just my opinion
I definitely see both of you ladies' point. So one can make the assumption that neither of you two would subscribe to the old saying, "Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
That's what I basically hear when I read your statements for the most part. But then again something tells me you wouldn't think that's a fair comparison and you may well be right on that. Something to chew on, though.
"if I tell you I’m celibate or abstaining and you get ghost, your desire to have sex with me trumps your desire to get to know me, and I’m better off without you."
This I can't necessarily roll with based on you're assuming the reason I get ghost is due to soley you wanting to abstain from sex as opposed to other possible reasons. Also, using this logic, one can make the assertion that every guy you ever encounter that has a romantic interest in you, that doesn't end up becoming your husband, would have this same attitude of desire for sex trumping getting to know you. That's basically what you're stating. Some guys…sure…all guys…no. I'm sure you didn't mean it in that way, but that's the way it kind of reads.
Listen, at the end of the day I understand it's not an exact science for you women or us men. What's good for the gander isn't necessarily good for the goose. I guess the main source of my "rant" here is that I hear many young beautifuly black sisters complain about the lack of upstanding brothers out here and they have a legitimate gripe. Anything that would decrease the probability of possibly finding a "good man", even if that means taking some risk with your feelings, almost seems to be unfair to what you deserve. Risk is the price you pay for opportunity is the way I look at it. But then, of course, "risk" is the operative and very much subjective word here.
This was good insight ladies and I really appreciate the feedback. For what it's worth I don't disagree with your stances at all. I'm sure you all will find what you're lookng for eventually 🙂
<blockquote cite="comment-316335">
DiDi: ometimes breaks are necessary for the soul. To re-evaluate yourself and your wants. To just do you – literally and metaphorically.
THIS!!!!!!!!
<blockquote cite="comment-316304">
@Top5DOA:
True celibacy and virgins always seem to detract suitors.Naturally so tho. I mean it changes the dynamics of a man’s expectations.If i know i’m not ready for a relationship or that you don’t have all the qualities i’d like to see in a mate then instead of waiting around to hopefully smang, i’mma just cut my loses early cuz you aren’t giving it up anyways..
I (kind of) wish more dudes thought like this. Rather than be real about they're sexual expectations in regards to a virgin or woman who is practicing celibacy, I believe a lot of men simply (pretend to) tolerate celibate or virgin status rather than support it. I.e. The minute her guard is down they're trying to snatch the rug up from underneath the girl in question. Even if they truly feel something for her they still feel more in their pants. Instead of remembering her decision to be celibate is about her and the personal obstacles she needs to overcome, they make it about them: "well, if im a good guy what would she stand to lose being intimate with me?" 'shrug' I think that's another reason a lot of women who are truly trying to stay celibate miss the mark…emotional sabotage.
Perhaps, that's a cynical way to put it, being that there is natural, human instinct to want physical intimacy, but 'shrug'. My current boyfriend is a virgin and I'm not, despite my inclinations, I choose to support his decision to wait.
<blockquote cite="comment-316356">
TeaCup: Even if they truly feel something for her they still feel more in their pants.
Smh.
Making a permanent decision based on a temporary circumstance is never, ever wise.
*excluding those who are celibate as defined as waiting for marriage, that is (ideally) a permanent circumstance*
What happened to anything worth having is worth waiting for? Some of the most ambitious men I have met lack that very same ambition that I KNOW is within them in the area it matters the most. Not to get preachy… but I would hope that there are men who are less controlled by their passions than that. And less SELFISH. You can't even endure a period of sexual frustration for me? #DamnHomie. Our future immediately dims.
But you can only wait but so long… Long to some is 3 months (not long for me thought ) while long for others could be two yrs. I do belive that anything worth having is worth waiting for but only to a certain extent.
Imagine if you wanted to commit to a man you have been dating for a yr and he said hey baby dont rush me "Good Things come to those who wait"
Im not saying any women should give it up in fear of losing someone b/c someone who truely cares for you and shares the SAME STANCE ON SEX in a relationship like you do will have no problem waiting 3 months or 3 years.
And i dont think it selfish for a man or women to express to their partner what they expect in a relationship sexual or what have you, their opening up to telling you what it is putting on the table and if you dont like whats on the table you just leave.
most men (who are in to you) dont have a problem waitting but you need tell them if sex before marriage aint happening up front so they can see if they can commit to you on those terms
<blockquote cite="comment-316359">
Smilez_920:
Imagine if you wanted to commit to a man you have been dating for a yr and he said hey baby dont rush me “Good Things come to those who wait”
Im not saying any women should give it up in fear of losing someone b/c someone who truely cares for you and shares the SAME STANCE ON SEX in a relationship like you do will have no problem waiting 3 months or 3 years.
This.
I think women need to start taking charge of their sexuality. Women seem to make sex much more complex than it is. It's your body, use your discretion when giving it away. I don't think it really matters when you give it up, to be honest. A man who wants to be with you will be with you whether you slept with him on the first date or the twentieth. You just need to do what's right for you and everything else will fall into place. I do think Stephanie needs to be abstinent for awhile. She says she waits 90 days and only has sex when she really wants to, but still ends up hurt. Stephanie's issue isn't with sex in a relationship, it's with sex in general. She needs to work out those issues on her own and probably stop dating as well while she gets herself together.
At one point, I identified with Stephanie and felt the exact same way. I stopped having sex, stopped dating, and really took the time to be truly single. As time went by, I decided I would not have sex again until I’m married. Stephanie needs to get to the core of her issues and really own the decision to be celibate rather than use it as a manipulative strategy. What I discovered about myself was that I equated love and sex. For me, they were one and the same. This is not unusual in people who, like myself, have been molested. Now, I’ve come to terms with the fact that a relationship can have one without the other, and i've chosen to have both within the context of a marriage.
If anyone's behavior regarding sex and intimacy is dysfunctional, simply abstaining is not going to solve the problem. That person will still take those dysfunctional views and behavior into a long term relationship or marriage.
Regarding CJ, I disagree with most of CJ’s opinion. I think I speak for most women when I say sex is not just physical. As a woman, I’m inviting you into my body to share my most intimate space. The fact that I decide, and that this experience is hopefully a mutual give and take is what separates human beings from jungle animals. Plus, you can’t build a relationship on just sex and a physical connection. Most people desire something meaningful and long-lasting and sex alone isn’t going to provide that.
Now that i'm dating, i've had a number of men tell me that they won't get further involved because they need to have sex and that's fine. I appreciate the honesty. I have one question though: Why is it that some men have no problems having sex without love, and in some cases string women along for months on end, knowing that the “relationship” isn’t going anywhere, but when women want to have love with no sex all of a sudden it’s a problem?
For all you celibate <del> women </del> people out there…. Get over yourself… You need some d•ck… Respect the dude for wanting to even entertain the thought of sleeping with you… Thank You & goodnight
So I was going just for myself but then I saw this response and had a *mouth wide open* response and it wasn't a sex pose. So tell us how you really feel. I find it comical that you feel women should be eternally grateful to a man for wanting to sleep with us as if that is the next best thing since sliced bread. Let's keep it funky…sex is the easiet thing to get on the planet earth. Hell people who are starving can get sex before food if they really wanted to. Let's also keep it funky and accept the fact that it is never hard for a girl to get sex. Hell if you aint entertaining the though someone else is and oh well your loss.
While I am not celibate I have been on several occassion for different reasons. While I LOVE sex as a grown woman in her thirties I would be the 1st person to say that sex is overrated. Aside from enjoyment sex was created with a unique purpose in mind….to procreate. Yet we seem to do it so sensely. Yes having a sex life has tones of health benefits but lets stop acting like d*ck is the cure all. If we are honest, we will admit that more often than not there are more problems that go along with sex. Sex is beautiful yet we treat it so callous and abuse the priviledge. At some point when one begins to evolve they realize that they want the rainbow when it comes to sex and what is wrong with that?
Stop spreading propaganda…
Sex is fantastic… & fo those who have experience earth shattering s*x can attest to that…
And with women are concerned, YES you can get s*x easily, but can you get GREAT s*x easily o_O… Cause the last time I checked…
7/10 women can't cum from intercourse & 3/10 women can' cum at all…
So yes, when a man is looking to entertain you with wondeful s*x it is a rare thing & you should be grateful as women that men are entertaining your celibate as$…
Get Over Yourself…
Boy plz. It is a good thing that I am not those 7 women or for that matter the 3 that you refer to. If I were actually celeibate I wouldn't care less if a man were paying attention to me. You over here talking like not only have you experience but been the cause of la petite mort. I stand firm in my non-celibate able to have an orgasm by myself and with the man who I sleep with that there is nothing wrong with being celibate and as quite as it is kept not everyone is jumping at the bit to be sexually entertained by someone especially one who acts as if his penis is what we should be living for.
BTW just in case you know more often than not those women who experienced that earth shattering moment were probably in deep like or love with their partner since for a woman a big part of sexual fulfilment is mental.
But hey your Adonis so apparently you must be the best thing next to sliced bread.
I'm glad you know what it is with me… Enjoy
First I want to say,I have to get this book…I am currently celibate as well,and after reading some of the comments its obvious that women generally view sex much differently then men. Personally for me I felt that I needed to do this(become celibate ) because even though I to have had great past relationship I've always felt the sex part was too soon. Which for me led to problems.I think sex is a very important part of a relationship as well as your inner being. If your not happy with that I feel you cannot have a healthy sex life.I want to feel vaildated by me,right now. Thats what is important.So sometimes I feel that others view celibacy as a cop out,but why can't people respect it as a personal choice.
<blockquote cite="comment-316366">
Ydhanah: Why is it that some men have no problems having sex without love, and in some cases string women along for months on end, knowing that the “relationship” isn’t going anywhere, but when women want to have love with no sex all of a sudden it’s a problem?
Men should be the main ones being careful with this…What will happen when the D won't work all the time…won't they expect their women to have love for them without the sex!?
I love the idea of str!p clubs… But I am religiously against paying str!ppers… Neve been to one…
#ThatIsAll
I partially agree with CJ in that women sometimes attach too much emotions to sex especially when it's with the wrong person, for the wrong reason, and at the wrong time. That's why his last point has been my strategy: make the guy you really like wait.
Now, on the other hand, CJ's comment is standard from the male perspective and understandable since sex is more physical than emotional for men. If men understood that it's opposite with women, then we could begin to have more healthy outcomes in our relationships.
By the way, sex is intimacy, it's emotions, and it's love. And there is a very intimate and soulful exchange that occurs when 2 people have sex, which is why it's to be reserved for the right person and not just any old Joe.
<blockquote cite="comment-316360">
Larry: I definitely see both of you ladies’ point. So one can make the assumption that neither of you two would subscribe to the old saying, “Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.”That’s what I basically hear when I read your statements for the most part. But then again something tells me you wouldn’t think that’s a fair comparison and you may well be right on that. Something to chew on, though.“if I tell you I’m celibate or abstaining and you get ghost, your desire to have sex with me trumps your desire to get to know me, and I’m better off without you.”This I can’t necessarily roll with based on you’re assuming the reason I get ghost is due to soley you wanting to abstain from sex as opposed to other possible reasons. Also, using this logic, one can make the assertion that every guy you ever encounter that has a romantic interest in you, that doesn’t end up becoming your husband, would have this same attitude of desire for sex trumping getting to know you. That’s basically what you’re stating. Some guys…sure…all guys…no. I’m sure you didn’t mean it in that way, but that’s the way it kind of reads.Listen, at the end of the day I understand it’s not an exact science for you women or us men. What’s good for the gander isn’t necessarily good for the goose. I guess the main source of my “rant” here is that I hear many young beautifuly black sisters complain about the lack of upstanding brothers out here and they have a legitimate gripe. Anything that would decrease the probability of possibly finding a “good man”, even if that means taking some risk with your feelings, almost seems to be unfair to what you deserve. Risk is the price you pay for opportunity is the way I look at it. But then, of course, “risk” is the operative and very much subjective word here. This was good insight ladies and I really appreciate the feedback. For what it’s worth I don’t disagree with your stances at all. I’m sure you all will find what you’re lookng for eventually
I'm glad you see where we're coming from, Larry. I actually do subscribe to the thought "that it is better to have loved and lost…," but I think many women become celibate because they have loved and lost too many times and have also lost themselves in the process of taking these "risks" and giving their all in a relationship, while still coming up short. (btw – I am speaking from the perspective of women that are celibate, as I was at one point)
When I wrote the part about "getting ghost," I was going based off of your scenario… You said you might be dating 1 or 2 girls at once. You like them both, but one is giving it up and the other is not. All things equal, you said you would probably stick with the girl giving it up, and the other might miss out on a good guy, that is you, by not giving it up. If you chose the other woman simply because she was giving it up, I would assume that what you and I had, or your interest in me wasn't all that to begin with.
Taking sex off the table helps us to determine just how serious you are about us. If a guy is really "into" you, the fact that you're NOT having sex with him will NOT keep him away. Nothing will. Most times, he will just have sex with other girls to fulfill that need until the woman he's REALLY into decides to give it up. I have 2 older brothers, so I know how it goes.
When I wrote the part about “getting ghost,” I was going based off of your scenario… You said you might be dating 1 or 2 girls at once. You like them both, but one is giving it up and the other is not. All things equal, you said you would probably stick with the girl giving it up, and the other might miss out on a good guy, that is you, by not giving it up. If you chose the other woman simply because she was giving it up, I would assume that what you and I had, or your interest in me wasn’t all that to begin with.
You see I think this is where the disconnect is in some situations. Just because in my scenario I chose another girl doesn't necessarily mean I chose her because she was giving it up. That's an assumption you're making as I never specifically stated a reason for going with one woman versus another. There could be a multitude of reasons, really, that doesn't even involve chex. My whole issue/point is that if I chose someone else why I am I automatically being put in that category of "bums" that just wanted a piece when I'm really a good person with good intentions. I guess I have a minor pet peeve with false justifications, lol.
As far as the having sex with other girls until you decide to give it up is a real scenario. And it is very good of your brothers to get you hip to some of the little nuances of us men. I'll share a small secret with you, also, that me and all of my friends, who are pretty good brothers, will testify on: If a guy is really "into" you, the fact that you're NOT having sex or the fact that you ARE having sex will not keep him away. Trust me, if really into you, you can give it up in 1 week or 8 months down the line, I won't look at you any different or feel any different about you b/c it's not all about sex, especially if I really like you. So it's really a win/win for both man and woman in that case, honestly. You're abstaining seeing if I really like you…I'm still having sex,if I so choose, with other people waiting you out. However long I wait is pretty much irrelevent, contingent on some people's parameters of course and within reason.
Maybe I am blessed to be surrounded with a good adoptive father figure and a male best friend who tell me the trade secrets of men but I already knew that. I also know tons of guys who are "waiting" for the girl to be ready but on the side they are getting theirs. I have mixed feelings about that. On one hand I get it but the other half of me is scratching my head.
<blockquote cite="comment-316451">
Larry: When I wrote the part about “getting ghost,” I was going based off of your scenario… You said you might be dating 1 or 2 girls at once. You like them both, but one is giving it up and the other is not. All things equal, you said you would probably stick with the girl giving it up, and the other might miss out on a good guy, that is you, by not giving it up. If you chose the other woman simply because she was giving it up, I would assume that what you and I had, or your interest in me wasn’t all that to begin with.You see I think this is where the disconnect is in some situations. Just because in my scenario I chose another girl doesn’t necessarily mean I chose her because she was giving it up. That’s an assumption you’re making as I never specifically stated a reason for going with one woman versus another. There could be a multitude of reasons, really, that doesn’t even involve chex. My whole issue/point is that if I chose someone else why I am I automatically being put in that category of “bums” that just wanted a piece when I’m really a good person with good intentions. I guess I have a minor pet peeve with false justifications, lol.
Ok, I misunderstood your first point. So, sex isn't the main reason you chose the other girl, but it REALLY doesn't matter. You're not being put in a category of "bums," at least not by me, if you choose to be with another girl. We're just not going to be that happy about the fact that we gave it up and you chose another girl, who would? If we were abstaining though, we would be ELATED that we didn't give it up, and be relatively ok with the situation. We may be a little sad, but we'll move on quickly.
Here it is in simpler terms…It's a win-win situation for us if we don't give it up and you decide you'd rather be with another chick. It's a win-win situation if we abstain and you choose us over another chick. It's a win-win if we give it up and you choose us. It's a lose-lose if we give it up and you choose another chick. Does this make my point clearer? We feel the only time we're "LOSING" is if we give it up and you choose someone else over us. We're NEVER losing if we don't give it up. This is the logic.
Celibecy is bliss, pure bliss
I’m not only celibate; I’m the archetype. I’m a real life 34 year old virgin. I live a happy life. I enjoy my work. I have normal sexual desire like everyone else. Ive made mistakes. Fallen off the wagon with a ex and did snything but sex. Regretted that. If your relationship is based On physical gratification it ends the moment sex begins. I’m dating and enjoying it. It has not always been easy but I made a commitment to God a long time ago to remain pure until marriage. If I never get married I won’t feel cheated and I don’t feel the need to get married to have sex. I want to get to know the man in my life and I don’t mind being the anomaly. It isn’t for everyone but I don’t regret it.
@mimi
It's about time someone discussed being celibate in a way it was meant to be, as a commitment to the most high. I became celibate about 2-3 months ago and plan to remain celibate until marriage. In the beginning, I'll admit that I made that decision due to ill feelings regarding the relationship woes I had experienced, but then I realized that I had started something I wanted to finish the correct way. I've considered not ever marrying because most men are sex-crazed and there are more than enough women willing to slang it at them, that's fine with me because I know I'm doing the right thing. It's sad, though, that celibate women aren't appreciated for being the sturdy walls they are, as opposed to being the swinging doors other women are….let that one soak in. There are so many more important aspects to life than sex, it really does complicate things more often than not. It seems like women who claim to be something would want to be proverbs 31 women, and these men out here claiming that they're what it's all about clearly have never laid eyes on an Ephesians 5 man. Relationships wouldn't be as filled with crap if more people would realize their worth. Say what you want, I know what satisfaction is, it rests in Jesus. I don't regret it either MiMi.
i see a lot of interesting comments on here about peoples perspectives on sex. i believe both men and women are entitled to a healthy, decent and safe sex life. however, the persons choice on when to have sex and who with matters a lot.
sex shouldnt be viewed as a physical act alone. we guys have to understand that this mindset is cynical and is "using someone for sex", instead of raising our expectations too high. same goes with organised sex which just completely kills the moment before it even begins. the best sex happens when it is unplanned and spiritual, emotional as well as physical connections are involved. it becomes "using sex for someone". and if some guys are too horny to the point where theyre too impatient in the build up in tension, i guess their best call is to run to the bathroom, whack out some lube and manage the situation by hand. 😉
believe it or not im 18 male and still a virgin :') just because ive been waiting for the right moment with whoever ill end up losing it with. guys have imaginations too and we like stories and fantasies and slow build ups as much as women do but it seems visual stimuli still remains the popular favourite among them. xP
Seems to me that if a woman choose to be celibate, it's not your right to judge her for it..or try to get her to change. Go find a woman who is willing to sleep with you. Maybe you're the problem not the woman, ever consider that?