Real talk? I'd hit it before AND after. That's So WisdomIsMisery.
I thought the time was right
To ask her for a dance – she said, “Naw, that’s alright”
I played it off, walked back across the flo’
F**k that ho! Didn’t wanna see her no mo’But about 150 pounds and 10 years later
Seen her at the grocery store
She tryin’ to holla at a playerShe use to be so fine to me
Now she…fat than a motherf**ker!– She Used to Be by Devin the Dude
The other day a simple question arose on the Twitter. It read: “@MrBrannin: So if yall were dating a chick and she started out at 150 and got to 200 yall would leave her?”
I’m no math whiz but I believe the difference between 150 and 200 is roughly 50. Therefore, I responded in the following manner:
@WisdomIsMisery: If I’m DATING a chick and she got fat (as in out of shape), regardless of weight, yes I would leave her. #YouAintMyWife @MrBrannin
Moments later, I was flooded by an onslaught of inquisitive comments, mostly from women. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal to have a reasonable expectation that the woman I’m with continue looking somewhat like the woman I originally got with. Apparently, I was mistaken.
I am superficial, but this isn’t about a preference for skinny women versus thick or fat. It is about my remaining attracted to a woman I’m dating. You cannot look me in the eye and sincerely tell me that 50 pounds would not make a difference on the frame of the average woman: good, bad or indifferent. I’ve seen women gain weight and look better. I’ve seen women lose weight and look worse *cough* Star Jones *cough*. All weight gain isn’t bad and all weight loss isn’t good.
But, “gaining weight” is like 10, 20, MAYBE 30 pounds. Fifty pounds in either direction is a transformation. We’ve all seen The Biggest Loser and pregnancy does not count, so don’t even bring that up. Thanks.
What I found interesting was the fact that people thought it was unreasonable to expect your significant other to attempt to keep looking how they looked when you met them. Well, Love may be blind but WisdomIsMisery sees 20/20. I have a simple rule: You can get out of shape when I get out of shape. That’s fair, right?
When I was young my father advised that I look at the mother of every woman I seriously dated. In his opinion, this was the best criteria to determine how a woman would look when she was that age. So far, this theory has been pretty accurate. If at all possible I ask to see a picture or meet my girlfriend’s biological mother. If she is old, haggard, and overweight, I might not leave immediately but I take note. If she has aged like a fine glass of wine circa Pam Grier, I ask her for her number on the low low and see if she’ll make it wobble wobble for a goon I do a little happy dance inside and look forward to my wife-to-be aging in a similar manner.
Ladies, if I’m dating you – like it or not – I am physically attracted to you. If you change something about your appearance I don’t like then I am free to leave and so are you. We are only dating. Sure, your dating loyalties may be stronger than WisdomIsMisery, because I have been known to remove people from the roster for the slightest of infractions, but this is the risk you take when dating. If you plan on getting out of shape, then maybe you should have the common sense and decency to wait until we are married and I can’t chunk up the deuces at a moments notice. Besides, does obesity really occur over night? Hint: The answer is “No.”
People act like you go to sleep in shape and wake up overweight. Doubtful. I’m pretty sure there are a few numbers between 1 and 50. If I know WisdomIsMisery – and I like to think I do – he will likely say something long before you reach that fiftieth pound plateau. There is a difference between gaining weight and letting yourself go.
As such, if you gain weight to the point of no longer being physically attractive to me – and we’re only dating – I. Will. Leave. You. If we’re married, something has still got to go. I’m hoping it is the weight but…
So readers, is it unreasonable to expect the person you’re dating to stay in shape if they were in-shape versus a-shape when you first met? Would you leave someone if they gained 50 pounds or “let themselves go” while you were dating? What if you were married and your wife/husband went from sexy-flexy to fatty-flabby? Has this situation ever happened to you?
Speak your piece.
– WisdomIs “Superficial So You Best Not Get Unattractive On My Watch” Misery
Can I just say that the "Elegant To Elephant" is one of the best titles I have ever read in a while…
Other than that… Truthfully speaking if I fall in love with the right girl, I can put up with alot of sh*t… I have a track record of that, so I know…
So, if I love a girl as all else equal… I can work with a woman helping to getting to close as possible to the way I found her, instead of just outright chucking up the deuces… I also know that personally I am not heavy on the physical attraction… (I tend to fall in love through my ears)
And also I don't plan to be a monogamous human being as long as my s*x drive holds up…
Sidenote: For all those men out there who are considering marriage, you have to ask yourself 20 years down the road… Will you still be attracted & at least into your mate physically, as well as everything else… But love is just as volatile as the WSOP Main Event in Vegas (Texas Hold 'Em)
I am interested in men who have been in LTR where a woman's has made a big jump or fall & their responses to that…
Enjoy Your Morning
Okay so when you gain 50 pounds I will bounce also..LOL
here's my issue with the whole thing. you're right if my woman gains 50 pounds it didn't happen overnight. the thing is i sat there and allowed her to gain that weight. i'm a gym rat. i work out almost everyday in some sort of way. the moment i see my s/o slipping down that slippery slope i'm going to start hinting. at first it might be a slight encouragement. "baby i think we should start going to the gym together" if that doesn't work then i'm going to be more assertive "baby you're starting to slack." yes i'd take it there. rather that then she call me an asshole for dumping her out the blue because she doesn't look the same as she once did.
i also understand that no one is going to stay looking how they were when they were younger forever but i need someone to want to at least try.
I know I'm supposed to find motivation by myself, but I'd actually like to have a gym rat friend or significant other who'll drag my behind to the gym and help me establish some good habits.
I agree to a point. Like you, I'm the type who just likes going to the gym. Pretty much been that way since I started running track at like 8. However, I respect that not everyone is this way. I don't feel like I should have to drag or force anyone to want to work out. I shouldn't have to mold you into the type of woman I want to be with, you either are or you are not. If they don't want to, that's fine but if it starts to negatively impact their waistline in a manner I do not care for, I'm out.
I look at dating like a try out. This is only one facet but if you're already doing wrong during the "probationary period" why should I bother investing the rest of my life in you? But, I do try to date women that are athletic or like working out already and this really isn't an issue for those type of women.
I agree with what you're saying re: either you are the type of person that likes working out or you aren't.
This post is interesting to me- I consider myself to be a former fatty although I was only 30lbs heavier (imagine what 50lbs would have looked like GATDANG!). In my experience, it wasn't what other people said or did that convinced me to make a change. It was an internal decision that I made for myself that made me finally change. A friend can drag you to the gym all they want but if you're not self motivated it's wasted. You go to the gym, work out begrudgingly and then go home and eat some ice-cream. Something's wrong there.
I personally think that if you are not motivated internally to work out or be healthy, it's not gonna work. Eventually your friends will get sick of trying to get you to go to the gym.
Now, I regularly go to the gym 5-6 times a week and I ENJOY it. I love working out. It's social for me now as I have "gym friends" and it makes me feel good about my day and myself.
yes i don't want to "force" someone to workout. after assertiveness, she just refuses to shape up then i'm shipping out. plain and simple. *shrug* either way i wouldn't enter a relationship with a woman who already didn't work out in some way. take that how you will.
Me and my guy have actually agreed that if the other one starts gaining weight, like significantly (honestly I don't think he'd notice a thing before at least the 10-pound mark, maybe 20 pounds, but I'm not willing to test that theory :D), we'll start hinting stuff about the gym. Fortunately for me, even before I say anything or even notice anything, he'll start complaining about how flabby he feels and how he needs to work out more. That's of course preferable.
It's easier to keep weight off than to lose weight, e.g. if I notice that I've gained 2 pounds, I start paying attention, because 2 pounds is easily shed, but 4 pounds is harder, 6 pounds even more hard, etc. (I'm a small girl, for taller girls and guys 6 pounds is nothing, but you get my drift.)
No, it's not unreasonable. Although I don't require a significant other to rock a 6-10 pack, I'm not checking for dudes with a gut and I would be displeased if a significant other were to gain a ridiculous amount of weight in a short period of time. I would actually like to have a long term partner (read: husband) who is fairly active & with whom I could work to maintain a decent shape/frame all the way into old age. I see the way some guys let themselves go by the age of 30, and it worries me. Although I've gained quite a bit of weight from a 9-5 that doesn't allow for much physical activity, I'm vain enough that I can't let it go on unchecked.
Completely neglected the other questions. My bad. Re: leaving heavyweight. It really depends. If it's enough weight that a loss of attraction ensues, then it will likely happen eventually. As much as I don't dwell on the physical, I do need to be attracted to my partner. If we were married, I probably wouldn't be so quick to leave, but in either case, I would try to get him to work it off. I naturally want a partner who's interested in looking as good for me as I try to for him. And no, none of this has ever happened to me.
As a woman, I agree with this post. Why? B/c you can flip it the other way around. If I was ONLY dating a guy and he gained 50 lbs w/ no medical illness attached to it, then I would WTF-it and throw the deuces. However, if we were married, I would address the issue and work w/ him since I have love, time, etc. INVESTED in the marriage.
Sidebar: iCan't w/ the big dudes! Dated a big dude, was trying to be on the non-shallow tip. Epic fail! He had a fupa between his legs… A FUPA!!! Like his ish was super duper uber meaty. #traumatized-JoeJacksonStyle. A man's mound should never be meaty. Couldn't get with that and bounced.
*faints*
What.
Thee.
F*ck.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I don't think not wanting to date a big dude is shallow. If you don't like it, you don't like. Or maybe I'm just shallow too. I'd never date a big dude. I don't find it attractive (or healthy). There's only room for one set of breast in my relationships.
"What.
Thee.
F*ck.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO."
I'm gonna have to cosign this statement….
<blockquote cite="comment-316989">
LaLaBakir: There’s only room for one set of breast in my relationships.
Yup Yup!! You said it now I dont have to.
Breasts rubbing upon breasts should be exclusive to lesbian relationships.
Amen!!!!
Agreed.
#Dead at Fupa! I get you though. Big dudes are well and good but look, I'll put it this way. If I wanted to ride on the ocean. I'd get on a ship. I equally don't want to be with a skinny dude. I'm a thick woman and I'm 5 ft 8. I don't want to hurt anyone. I need a man that can handle what i dish out and vice versa. So I'm going to fight around my own weight class. So if you break that class, and things go pear-shaped (never a good look on a dude) then Auf Wiedersehen my friend.
I think that WIM simply stated what many of us wouldn't dare utter for fear of being judged as superficial. But everyone is in some way or the other. Just afraid to admit it. There are men who love da big-big girls. Same for the women who love the big-big men. Can't force people to be okay with stuff that they are simply not.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
#icant
Is it unreasonable to expect the person you’re dating to stay in shape if they were in-shape versus a-shape when you first met?
Not unreasonable at all. I dated a guy who was 5'7 about 215-220 (I'm 5'2 and 120 on a good day) and I was just fine with him being the size he was because that's how he was when I met him. As shallow as I am, if I have a genuine connection with you then size won't be a deal breaker for me initially. Had he gained 50 extra pounds I would definitely have an issue with continuing our courtship. I cannot, in good conscious, support someone with unhealthy habits which put them at risk for all kinds of coronary disasters. You don't have to be the perfect picture of healthy but you can't just let yourself go and expect me NOT to take notice and call you out.
Would you leave someone if they gained 50 pounds or “let themselves go” while you were dating?
I wouldn't leave without exhausting all options first. If you're just going to decide to go all MJB "take me as I am" and do nothing to slim down I'll exit stage left. However, if you're willing to work on it and I see you taking the proper steps to get it tight I'll stick around.
What if you were married and your wife/husband went from sexy-flexy to fatty-flabby?
Hmmm hubby would be put on a stringent diet of water, crackers, and low sodium tuna.
I understand the physical changes but I would hope the person I’m dating or in love with still reminds me of the physical reasons that attracted me to them. I would try to stop them from gaining 50 lbs. I think that’s a little too late to be trying to encourage someone to lose weight. I’ve been lucky enough to date people with better bodies than I, so I’m sure they’ll be thinking the same. I’ve been blessed.
We all gotta help each other before it’s too late. I think physical- as well as mental- characteristics must be addressed throughout the relationship.
"We all gotta help each other before it’s too late. I think physical- as well as mental- characteristics must be addressed throughout the relationship."
That's true.
…And we dudes got to face the reality that only a few women are blessed with the genes to be beautiful forever. it's hard for a woman working 9-5 to look as fit as your favorite pronstars or actresses. There has to be a strong mental attraction to prevent you from freaking out when you find out she added a few pounds.
Your comment is awaiting moderation.
“We all gotta help each other before it’s too late. I think physical- as well as mental- characteristics must be addressed throughout the relationship.”
That’s true.
…And we dudes got to face the reality that only a few women are blessed with the genes to be beautiful forever. it’s hard for a woman working 9-5 to look as fit as your favorite pronstars or actresses. There has to be a strong mental attraction to prevent you from freaking out when you find out she added a few pounds.
Some helpful(bullshit) statistics for you…
On first glance looks= 100% for men (2% for the fthirsty), 60-70% for women (20% for the thirsty, 10% for gold diggers)
If the type of attraction required for a relationship is established:
Looks = 50-60% for men 20-30% for women 10% for gold diggers (-0.5% for every extra million)
Yes looks are not THE MOST important but they are a healthy part of what keeps you S/O around. So although on their own the percentages may seem small (especially for women).
If someones "personal value" depletes by the relevant percentage. There will be issues.
In the stock market people commit suicide for these kind of losses.
Moral of the story is.
The gym can save (lives) a relationship.
I tell no lies, I shame the deveil.
*Insert relevant Chris Brown song…*
"On first glance looks= 100% for men (2% for the fthirsty), 60-70% for women (20% for the thirsty, 10% for gold diggers)"
This sounds about right.
A friend of mine who is about to propose to his girl recently told her that if they marry and she gets fat he will leave her. She freaked the f*ck out. I think it kinda touched a nerve because she's the kind of girl who runs to fat, hates working out, and loves to eat. She has youth on her side right now so she just looks ripe, but when the late thirties come and the metabolism slows down she's in for a world of hurt.
Although I had to rough my friend up for the rude-ass way he put it to her, I'm not mad at this point of view. It's just like the discussion we had about a woman chopping off her hair when she's in a relationship. He met you one way, you change drastically, he's entitled to a reaction. And if that reaction is that he's no longer attracted to you, you can't really fault a man for that. I really don't get why women get so up in arms about this.
As far as I'm concerned, it's just reckless for a woman to let herself go when she's in a relationship. How many times have we been warned that men are visual creatures and they need to like what they see? Part of preserving your relationship is doing what you can to make sure your partner stays attractive to you. If you let yourself get all mampy and your man leaves you, you asked for it.
I agree with MadScientist though that men have to do their part to stop this from happening. You don't sit there and watch your girl stuff her piehole day after day and then when she's big as a house you decide to speak up. You should be planting seeds in her head and mind-f*cking her into staying in shape from day one.
adding "mampy" to my vocabulary. lmbo
LOL
OMG.. Haven't heard that since the 90's
As usual, I agree Max. I believe you gotta "know thy self." I've tried to be less superficial before and "look deeper" but dammit, that just aint me. All I ended up doing was dating a bunch of women I wasn't truly satisfied by. Then I realized, why am I trying to change myself for a hypothetical woman I haven't even met yet? Why not just find a woman I'm attracted to and go from there, rather than try to force myself to fall for a woman I'm "just not that end to."
I say all this to say, that I want to be happy and faithful and a good man, etc etc just like anyone. I believe there are certain things, the topic covered in this blog being one of them, that will assist in that goal. It's funny, because I told one of my X's a similar thing that your boy told his fiancé. She was fine with it though, because she already kept in shape through her own doing. Honestly, I would rather know someone's expectations of me upfront than AFTER we're already committed. But, as we already know, most folks can't handle the truth…
Me and my girl have a 'no getting fat' clause. Her family is in fairly good shape, as is mine (at least my pops side, which I think I get most of my characteristics). And we're both trying to avoid potentially hereditary illness so I think we'll be alright. But I didn't check the parents too just to see what the future held and I was very please to say the least. Lol
Its funny because my SO at the moment was pretty chubby when we first met. But from going to school together and getting to know each other I began to like her for who she was and not so much what she looked like. I know it sounds corny and cliche but its the truth, but here's the thing; 8 months later ddue to her own dedication she's actually slimmed down alot. She no longer has the tummy but she's still thick just in the right places (y'all know what im talkin about)
I think getting past my own immaturity and needing the girl with the Bria Myles body when I was younger, to dealing with them and realizing those women didn't offer much in the form of substance but plenty in the way of headaches, it made me not worry about that so much. Now don't get me wrong, if Bria Myles does happen to come along with the substance as well as the body (no children, no diva complex, good attitude, smart) then you better believe im snatching it up. But if she doesn't have those intangibles its on to the next one. There's a chance I probably wont have to look for it cuz my lady right now is already at that level……well, almost lol
so… you'd just leave your gf now if a better version came along?
hmph.
Can we keep it real? If I am not married to you I can roll any time I want to. I can roll of you gain 5 pounds or 50 pounds. I can roll if you get a weave or if you cut your hair. I can roll if you wear an ugly dress if I want to. That is why it is called dating. The truth of the matter is dating is to gather information about someone you may or may not want to spend the rest of your life with. If I get a piece of info that shouts DANGER WILL ROBINSON, no matter how shallow or seemingly insignificant it may be to someone else, if it is important to me I can bounce. Sure you may lose out on some good people over arbitrary and capricious standards, but so what that is why it is called dating. People leave relationships for all kinds of random reasons. Weight gain is hardly random, 50 pounds is a sign of BIGGER things to come. (Pun Intended)
A 1000 likes!
I have two things to add: 1) Someone said (and I'm sure will say again) that maturity is tied to how you view physical attraction. Well, if wanting my woman to stay physically attractive to me is immature, color WIM mature for life.
2) For the younger folks, in my opinion, women go through damn near two puberties. The first is obvious but later on, around 23 – 30, (most) women go through a second phase where basically they go from having a girls body to a woman's body. Most men and some women know what I'm talking about. This is a natural phase and a lot of women come out looking better on the other side.
I just wanted to clarify that. Some weight gain is natural and to be expected. Again, to me, 50lbs isn't gaining weight. That's metamorphing. Lastly, for a frame of reference, my folks have been married 30 years. Pops was 6'1, 160 and moms was 5'7, 130 when they met. Pops is not 190 and moms is around 140ish so if over 30 years they can keep under 50 pounds COMBINED, I don't feel like this is an unreasonable expectation in the least.
– FIN –
I abso-freakin-lutely concur with K.I.R!!!!
When we're dating, I don't really owe you anything but standard respect. When we're in a committed rela (different from dating), I owe you whatever respect we agreed to coming into the relationship…and if weight was agreed to, I should stick to my word. When we're married, I expect "for better or for worse"…within reason. And dumb, foolish choices…including morphing into some physical being that you knew full well I wouldn't like…is not within reason…cause you knew better (this excludes health issues). Would I divorce someone who did this? No…cause I'd marry someone who'd know me well enough to know they better not put me in that position.
Uber cosign and green thumb.
Agreed.
I think men and women both go through crazy transformations with age. As long as we are both eating right, and exercising, I can't be too judgmental on what happens weight wise. I'd rather be with someone over weight but healthy than the "right" weight, but unhealthy. Some things are hormonal and age-related (like hair loss). I just hope and pray it doesn't change my attraction to my man or his attraction to me.
"If I know WisdomIsMisery –and I like to think I do –he will likely say something long before you reach that fiftieth pound plateau."
I'm interested in how this conversation would go. I think the way I take it would depend on how it was given. "Baby, you're fat" wouldn't go over so well. After my first pregnancy, I lost a substantial amount of weight really fast, ended up underweight. I'm assuming if you're willing to tell a chick she's gained too much, you'd tell her if she lost too much too. Seems like the caring thing to do. Nobody around here said anything.
Well Ive had an S/O sit me down and this is what he said " (insert government name), booty? nice thighs? nice, face? pretty. stomach? needs work…" After I closed my mouth from his frankness and "play-smacked" I pretty much got the message, I had not even REALIZED that I had gained weight until he pointed it out to me. His delivery while playful was blunt enough that I knew him and knew he was serious. Like I said I didnt even see a change in my body so I was glad he said something before it got out of hand. I mean your S/O is supposed to be your friend too right? Well if your my friend PLEASE dont let me run around looking foolish.
ThANK U………MOUTHFUL…
Co-sign on the Raven-Symone comment.. she could always get it… even in her younger days
Chris Hansen hasn't even been off the job for 24 hours and folks already getting comfortable…back up off Olivia, R Kelly.
:-p
Actually he was just in the news because his wife caught him cheating on video surveillance. No the woman was not underage.
* talking through my teeth and an awkward smile* yeah, thus the joke…
i think that was her point. lol refer to the comment above hers. lol
They should have had Chris Hansen on Cheaters.
LMAO @ Star!!!!!
🙁
Lol @ Star
@ Hugh
I would have liked to see Chris on Cheaters. That would have been some funny ish
Turn that frown upside down Malik, you're good. It's just text, easy to misunderstand.
LOL – I knew I wasn't the only one who sees little Olivia….and don't get me started on Rudy messing round with Tyler Perry productions.
As a coked out prostitute no less……..O_O
At least Rudy was just playing a role though… *side eyes Judy Winslow*
LOL… Real talk, To Catch A Predator needs to come back…
Wait a f*cking second… did you just say,
<blockquote cite="comment-316971">
DeKeLa: Co-sign on the Raven-Symone comment.. she could always get it… even in her younger days
#TCAP
OK, Chester.
Sh*t, I just saw all the replies LOL
Me and her are the same age, I meant when I WAS YOUNGER, I always thought she was cute…
Geesh… no #Kelz, maybe some #12Play though…
A woman cannot gain weight overnight; It's usually because of some issue or problem going on in her life, and so that whatever is the reason for the weight gain will affect my decision whether to stay or leave.
If she gained weight through binge eating because of some tragic event in her life (death of someone close to her, etc), then I'll probably stay around to be there for her; That's if i was really into her in the first place…but if it was through bad eating habits, laziness, etc then we are going to have a discussion about that.
<blockquote cite="comment-316973">
muze:
so… you’d just leave your gf now if a better version came along?
hmph.
No I was speaking figuratively like if I were still single. Sorry if I didn't clarify that.
ohh okay. good. lol
Eh, the women are being really diplomatic about this. I'm genuinely surprised.
It's completely understandable. Hard to argue with. If it happened to us would we remain so logical? Doubtful because we'd like to think there is more to us than our bodies and you're with us for more substantial reasons, but at the same time we want you to think we're sexy and 50 pounds is significant.
#ShrugsParadise
Exactly!!! If it happened to me I would probably get emotional and doubt everything but a day or two later I'll be adding additional kickboxing and yoga classes to my schedule. If he doesn't find me sexy then he'll find someone else…then leave.
Yes they r……omg
So much more happens than just the weight gain. Men are visual…When a woman goes from maybe a 6 to a 12, there are usually some other things that change in addition to her weight. Her attitude may change though she won't even notice. If she's weight conscious, she may become frustrated that her attempts at controlling her weight by adjusting her diet and exercise aren't working. (Fellas, women gain and lose differently from men.) Anyway, she may not be as friendly, as comfortable in her own skin. As a result, not only is the man no longer physically attracted to her but he may begin to also dislike her personality.
That said,women usually seek security so the same often happens when a man loses his job. It's not that his SO leaves him because he's broke. She leaves him because he may become despondent, depressed, and even lash out inappropriately at her. On the surface, it looks like their issues are just money related but that's usually only part of the problem.
I say all that to say, I've told men I will stay within 7 pounds of the weight that they met me if they increase their earnings by 7% every year.
I like this answer, very insightful and very true!
I rock with your first paragraph so hard. Weight changes change people significantly. Hormonally, self confidence wise, lifestyle wise – it's not simply a superficial issue. You couldn't tell me after I lost weight that I wasn't the fly-EST thing walking and when I gain weight same ish – I get down on myself for letting laziness or food be more important than my health and self image. Those things effect my every day interactions and personality. It's not simply an aesthetics change.
And a lot of this is simply about knowing yourself. I'd never wanna date a gym rat, that's not my priority. I'd be frustrated that time he could be spending with me, he's spending in the gym. I'd always feel judged. Sure I like looking at bodies like WIMs, but I know better than to expect all the other things that I want and need in a man to be in that package.
Things like eating right and maintaining health are way more important to me than a six pack and those killer flying V muscles that sit low on the pelvis and practically point the way to *wipes drool away* I'm sorry, where was I? The restaurant's on fire, I gotta go…
I feel you completely. I am a 6-8 now. Half a decade ago, I was a solid 6. Someone broke up with me over five pounds. Never mind that, as his SO, we had to go to dinner twice a w for his job. Five pounds was too much for him. *shrug*
I'm not a gym rat and I don't work out regularly. Thank GOD for good genes… the women in my family (well… at least on my mom's side) typically stay pretty thin. Plus I'm tall… so that works out in my favor also. I was SUPER thin in highschool and my early twenties. Over the past few years, I've gained a bit of weight, mostly in good places… so after being super skinny all my life…I'm told that the extra weight looks good on me. However, I'm still not used to it yet…
The guy I'm dating now has been ON me about working out since we've met. I've NEVER had anybody constantly tell me to work out. So… to be honest, when he kept bringing it up, it made me pretty self concious in the beginning. I'm still not quite used to my new body, and I'm not used to people mentioning anything about losing or maintaining my weight… only about gaining it…lol!
I kept feeling like he was calling me fat. Of course he wasn't, but he was being very direct and letting me know that he expects me to work out because he expects me to stay similar to the way I look now. Or… as he puts it, "I think you're sexy … and I just want to make sure you stay sexy."
So… at this point, I've decided to swallow my pride and I've gotten out of my feelings about it. I'm still not a gym rat but I'm trying to work out a lot more often and watch what I'm eating. But honestly, I'm thankful that he had enough balls to say something to me, because he's actually right. I just need to get in the habit of working out regularly…just for my health. I'm glad that he encourages me to work out and offers to work out with me.
And I agree with WIM. 50 pounds is a lot…
At least he was honest. I will say I told someone on Twitter yesterday, "Depending on 'good genes' is not a sustainable work out plan."
It works for some, fails for most….you need go no further than the pictures of your High School friends from Facebook.
Very true…
I had a conversation with my best guy friend not too long ago he called me because he said his wife had gained weight and he wanted to know how to tell her. Don't tell her that sh*t she knows already! The funny thing is he's lost weight since they've gotten married because "they" haven't been working out. He loses weight when he doesn't work out and of course she gains. It was hilarious because he said she can't weigh more than me and I was like but n*kka you LOST weight and he said but if she keeps gaining at this pace she'll be 300lbs when we're 60 GTFOH!!! LOL My advice : tell her they aren't as active as they once were and they need to get back to that. Happy Ending – they started working out together again!
Its funny though, I met a guy recently and he wanted to do lunch one day but I couldn't because I had to meet with my trainer
Me: Sorry I have to workout with my trainer today
Him: Why are you working out with a trainer?
Me: I need to lose 20lbs
Him: No you don't
Me: That's sweet but really I do
Him: Wow I don't know you won't be "thick" like I like if you did
Me: BYE!!!
Womp :/
<blockquote cite="comment-316995">
NinaFontaine: Me: I need to lose 20lbs
Him: No you don’t
Me: That’s sweet but really I do
Him: Wow I don’t know you won’t be “thick” like I like if you did
I have had this conversation soooo many times. I am trying to lose about 20 my self. All I hear is "you're gonna lose the booty". To which I say "yea I will lose a little behind but I will lose a little everywhere keeping it balanced"
Where ever you carry your weight…that will be the last to "go", so those booty obsessed people need not fret (that is if your "bottom heavy"). You'll still be draggin some wagon, although it may be a lighter load,lol
<blockquote cite="comment-317056">
LaLaBakir: Where ever you carry your weight…that will be the last to “go”
For me my waist is the first to go… and my bosom. 🙁
Yup, same here! Which means we don't carry our weight in our midsections or breast (praise God). I'm accepting the fact that no matter how much weight I lose, I'll always have @ss and hips. It's just the way I'm shaped.
This. Dudes are destroying women's bodies with this "booty-above-all" mentality. To quote myself from yesterday's discussion, a big a$$ don't mean anything if everything else is big. Especially when the clothes come off. A big b00ty in jeans can become a calamity when they are taken off if she's not in shape.
I don't think it's unreasonable to expect the person your dating to stay the same basic size/shape they were when you met them. Sure, people gain/lose weight…but that can happen without taking on a whole new body.
I'd like to be all righteous and say I wouldn't leave someone I was dating if they became the size of a trailer home, but honestly…I probably would. Fitness and health ranks pretty high on my list on non-negotiables, so if you fall off…you'll probably get cut off.
If this happened in my marriage, I wouldn't leave but we would have to find a way to get that thing under control. Changing up what we eat, working out together,…all of that.
Personally as a former athlete and a physically conscious man if my woman develops a tummy over a couple years thats reasonable
But if she goes from video vixen to life size tell-a-tubby changes need to be made or exit stage left.
After or before the child birth idc I admire a woman who can remain presentable in a bikini (meaning a 2 piece for you basic B**ches)
Death @life size tell-a-tubby…
lmboooooooo
I just screamed these people think i'm crazy!
I don't think it's unreasonable to ask that your partner performs upkeep on themselves. For me it's not about appearance, but about health. I'm currently on a weight loss journey and of course I want to look better (even though I think I still look pretty good now since I tend to carry my weight well), I ultimately want to be healthier. When I started this journey, I began reading about the biochemistry of fatty tissue and the hormones it secretes. If those hormones are in excess because you have excess body fat, they f*ck with how your body functions. I read that sh*t and now I look at a cheeseburger and think "you will KILL me!" lol.
I'm confident that my man is attracted to me even though I have weight to lose, he tells me everyday. He's also really supportive. He encourages me to eat right and will watch the kids so that I have time to workout. I say if you really care about the woman you are with, then you should help her lose weight. I'm sure she's not happy with her extra weight and would love some help and support in losing the weight. If you feel like it's not worth the effort/she's not that important to you, then I don't fault you for leaving.
Would you leave someone if they gained 50 pounds or “let themselves go” while you were dating?
I can relate. We worked for the same company, but in different facilities. When I met her she was about 140-145(5'6). Over a course of about 4-6 months, I would sometimes see her at work, but we would communicate primarily through work email when I needed an order, job request, etc. Then one week, the convo changed,we started flirting and going back and forth, chatting on the cell, feeling eachother. Few weeks after that, we decided to meet face to face at her place.(At this point, I had only seen her maybe twice in the 6 month span)…We met up, and….she wasn't 145 anymore, she was about 170ish. She looked compltely different, and I was def not feeling it. But I tried to block it out and just relied on the chemistry we had leading up to meeting to get me through.
We eventually started dating…she would even go work out w/me at the gym-so that held me steady and made me think she truly wanted to lose the weight. I viewed that as a positive, and just focused on her other attributes. Well,during the 4th month of us dating, I attended a company sponser softball game that she was in. ..Towards the end of the game, she broke her ankle into two parts while sliding into home plate. Abulance carried her away, tears were shed, pain…While out on medical leave from work, I would visit her, check in on her, drive her to rehab, carpool to work, etc…but, in between having surgery and screws put into her ankle, sitting in the house, eating junk food, she put on 50 lbs. It was NOT a good look. ..I suffered because a)she already was bigger than I cared for her to be when we finally met up b)she put on another 45-50 from the ankle surgery. All of this in a span of 4-5 months. I felt guilty as hell, felt mad shallow….tried to overlook it and make it work…it never did, we eventually broke up years later, but I knew most of our problems stemmed from me not being physically attracted to her from the start of the "dating" period….
If you are not deeply rooted into someone physically and emotionally, you will struggle when your love/attraction to a person is tested, especially in my case-so early into the relationship….Now had this weight gain occured later on in the relationship(yeaaaars down the line), I probably would've been better suited to cope w/it.
To "HappenedToMe" how has your experience effected your dating life since you and this girl broke-up? Are you in a current relationship? Do you date women who are only 145 pounds now? I feel what you are saying but just wanting to know the effects.
The young naive side of me wants to disagree with you but my logical side agrees with you, especially if you're just dating.
I have a preference as well, I don't really like skinny guys ( I'll make an exception here and there though) and I don't like guys who are on the obese side so if while I'm dating a guy he goes to either end of the spectrum there's a great chance I'll start to lose interest.
I hope I'll never have to deal with this. I'm so grateful that my dad side of the family is tall and skinny.
my ex had a "if you weigh more than I do, it's over" poilcy. which was insane number 1 because he was a skinny a$$ little……. well he was super skinny. like 6'3" weighing 165 soaking wet skinny. and 2, i do not look like I weigh the number the scale says (not to toot my own horn or anything)… I am not a gym rat, but I enjoy being active in various ways (teehehe), and I would like to think that a lot of that number is muscle which does weigh more than fat…
I completely get it if someone looks completely different/ is completely unhealthy, I just thought I'd throw out there that the number isn't necessarily that important. and that ex's are ex's for a reason.
i understand. people always guess my weight like 15 pounds lighter than i am.
muscles and such. lol
Honestly for me i'm not that superficial, if my girl gained 50 pounds I would be more upset for her health than me not bein attracted to her. If I love a girl, I love her it would take a lot for me to leave i'm there for more than physical. I've dated women with banging bodies…that was about it lol. But I will admit, you do get kind of spoiled looking at a person a certain way and it changes.
The devin the dude lyrics…live by that lot of women that didn't give me a shot in their prime…come back 3 kids…3 different dads 80 pounds heavy later like i'm reeeaddyyy!! Ready for what? To be a another statistic?
You killed me with that last paragraph! Lmao I'm reeeaddyyy!!!
Someone PLEASE put me out of my misery and tell me where that line is from!
sorry I can't go..i won't do it lol funny how time flies lol I laugh my a$$ off now
@starita I forgot too lol, I think it's spongebob lol
Not what I'm thinking of…chick walks into the bedroom on that "I'm reeeeadddy" and I'm 98% sure that Martin Lawrence is involved and gives her some variation of "the hell you are!"
Grrrrr I been buggin me all morning…
I think he was thinking more along the chorus of Alicia Keys joint "I'm Ready"
But still funny though.
"in-shape versus a-shape"
This killed my whole life. The entire thing. A friend of mine gained about 40 lbs and another friend says "she's shaped like a trapezoid O__o" I die all over again.
On another note… this article makes me want to slowly put down and back away from my birthday cupcake. Whomps.
Happy birthday Flyy!!
Girl eat you a cupcake, if you get you some birthday chex, you can easily work that off 😉
Happy bithday Flyy!!!!! You should be approaching an age where your insurance premiums go down a bit, right? Yay for old ladies!
Happy Birthday! * tosses e-confetti and streamers *
And LOL @ Teflon!
Happy Birfday!!!!!
*Throws e-sprinkles*
happy birthday lady!
Happy birthday!
Cues the SBM strippers…
Happy birthday!
Happy Bday C Diddy aka ms Flyy!!
yeah… 50 pounds is extreme.
i don't think it's shallow. attraction is a big part of a relationship, dating or otherwise so it's not hard to see why that would be a problem. and like Ms. Smart said, there would be a number of other factors that came into play that further affected your attraction, like attitude, lowered confidence, etc. i tend to like men who outweigh me by at least a 70-100 lbs, so adding another 50 to that, and they're looking almost 300 lbs. no bueno. and i've an ex who told me he'd leave me if i gained a substantial amount of weight. i shrugged it off because i'd leave myself i did that, dangit. i wouldn't know what to do with myself. lol.
work out with your mate and cook healthy meals. pow. all will be okay.
and about the mother thing… eh. i think it depends. my mom and my aunts were all super skinny until entering their 50s, but in the case with my mom, i've noticed that when she is in a relationship, she stays thinner. but i have an older cousin who is around 37 and her waist is smaller than mine. (booty is huge though. hate her. lol ) her mom? used to model and now she's a little on the big side. so… i think diet and exercise play a big role, along with genes.
my mom IS fly #doe.
do you have visual evidence of your mom? you know for a good scientific study.
LOL i am not sharing my mom with SBM and crew.
You share that girl – Jay-Z is that your chick.
I kid muze i kid!
“@MrBrannin: So if yall were dating a chick and she started out at 150 and got to 200 yall would leave her?”
Let's just be real here, 150 to 200 is absolutely ridiculous. Age-related weight gain is one thing, but that's a 33% jump! Feelings aside, if you add a third of your original weight to your frame, all in fat, you aren't going to look the same.
Put it this way: the average NFL cornerback is 190 pounds, at 5'-11" tall. Is it unreasonable to think your woman should weigh less than a cornerback, especially if she's 5'-5"? Is that being shallow, or is that a drastic change in appearance?
DEAD at the cornerback comparison. i just can't! LMBO
I'm going to have to call, "negative" on Hugh. Think about that logically.
A chick that's 6' tall and 185 lbs is just thick. That's the weight that a man would hope for. A chick that's 6' tall and 160 lbs looks like Allen Iverson. Do the math.
Agreed, that's why I put the height qualifier in my comment. My girl is 5'-11", so I would know. Considering average height for a woman in the US is 5'-4", 150 pounds is thick (and that's on the upper limits of thick).
But I'm sure you'd agree the average-height woman going 150 to 200 is outlandish. That's like your thick, six-foot, 185-pound chick getting up to 246 pounds.
@ Adonis: [Quote] "So, if I love a girl as all else equal… I can work with a woman helping to getting to close as possible to the way I found her, instead of just outright chucking up the deuces… I also know that personally I am not heavy on the physical attraction… (I tend to fall in love through my ears)"
Aww cute! but in my book I feel like it's a bunch of BS to win the women's sympathy vote. Good tactic though 🙂
I have to agree with @WIM [Quote] "Ladies, if I’m dating you – like it or not – I am physically attracted to you."
Let's get to brass tacks: if you are dating this person, physically attracted, etc means that you're probably (more than likely yes) sleeping with them. So if they start to gain weight (or lose weight in some cases) sex gets… well… taxing(<— haha did you see the pun? no? well ok). Things start to feel different, it takes more work or longer to climax, the positions that used to work are frankly uncomfortable, even a person's smell can change. And we say 'not physically attracted' in simplest terms but in essence our bodies are now reacting different to the present object.
And as Big Mama said in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: you know where the problems lie, right here Maggie, they're right here *pats bed*.
And I think the barest of all elements is how workable this problem is; with exercise and concious eating. And as a couple you can make changes together and see marked effort. You have a potential cheerleader and drill sergeant in one. And more importantly, if he's noticed the weight gain or loss… it simply magnifies how you already feel about your self as the gain-/loss-ee. So don't you owe it to yourself to Be Great? To work on your fitness? To be mindful of your body and how you treat it?
And maybe the "deuces" are a good thing because you've been so focused on him and pleasing him, you forgot about yourself and your needs. And his leaving propels you to get back to that confidence and flattering figure you had before he came in the picture *rereads past paragraph*…. guess I was getting kinda personal.
Overall Monsieur, GREAT POST! I wholeheartedly agree that you have the right to state stipulations to your relationship and leave after deliberation (meaning you've tried to recapture the magic and the SO is unwilling to yield). I think SBM.Org or VerySmartBrothas.com wrote a post about how staying attractive is a love language… and its true.
Merci Mille Fois
@JussLissen
*Chris Hansen Voice*
You know what, you would be right JL, only if you have been following my comments on this site, let me bring you up to speed…
– The American BW s*cks right now, and Non-BW are a better dating option (WW are wavy…)
– I am not a fan of "never-married" single mothers, & I think they should be used for Super Short-Term Relationships
(Muslim countries m.urder their women for this, I am being a sweetheart compared to them…)
– I think women should pay for everything in my life… Everything (feminism & equality accomplished something good in my life)
– I am against abortions in most cases… & The love of my life will probably not get a ring, so why should some stinkin' wh*re with a high body count get one…
– Oh, and I love to see my girlfriend get doubled doubled toll troubled… *Insider*
So, maybe I am looking for sympathy & approval, or maybe I know myself really well, and can anticipate how I will act in future situations…
Now, what alot of people overlook in this whole weight-gain swag, is that women do go through traumatic events (rape, abortion, death in the family, unseen illness, getting shot, etc…)
It is inevitable that people go through changes with age & life experiences…
Maybe most women get lazy & get fat, but I wouldn't allow for that…
I just understand that other external influences might get in the way…
And I love really, really hard under the right girl's spell…
So, all I ask if you are going to make assumptions over here, at least make an attempt to be accurate, or do some research on me…
I am more transparent that alot of people give me credit for…
Enjoy Sweetheart
50 pounds is a lot of weight. No, really. 50lbs is a lot. I've stopped dating men for less… much less.
For me, my dude wouldn't even get to that point. My personality is very nurturing(off line), and with me puttling off the couch for a walk, cooking vegetarian/vegan meals, and generally staying on him about black men, and the general lack of concern they have for their health, he would not get there. Granted, for me to do all of this, we're probably on our way to the alter.
However, if we were just dating, I would still encourage him to be active. I walk everywhere, so I would encourage him to join me. But, ultimately, you can't make someone do what they don't want to do, nor can you make them do what they've never done. This is why a love for fitness, diet/exercise, and all things health related, are at the top of my imaginary list of things I must have in a mate.
<blockquote cite="comment-317027">
N.I.A.naturally: with me puttling off the couch for a walk, cooking vegetarian/vegan meals, and generally staying on him about black men, and the general lack of concern they have for their health, he would not get there
I'm feeling you on this.
I am a pescatarian so I cook a lot of vegetarian meals and in house I am a complete healt nut (restaurants are a problem). I feel that any guy that starts to break bread with me on a regular basis will reap the benefits with his health. Plus I cant stand just sitting around. Everytime I meet a man I'm trying to get him to do a 5K with me. lol! So gym rats are welcome. Our first date can be an fitness activity.
**googles pescatarian***
I promise I learn something new everyday…never fails….
@N.I.A.naturally:
I'm all for teamwork. Honestly, having a woman that is willing – I would not force her – to work out with me is sexy as hell. Real talk. REAL sexy. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH. Like if we can go to the gym together and I get to see her at the gym in those boyshorts/so-called work out pants? Mannnnn.
UMPH! *bites lip* Lord, let me gon ahead and get on up outta this thread.
But *does the Martin we see eye to eye hand movement* yall know what I'm talking bout.
"Would you leave someone if they gained 50 pounds or “let themselves go” while you were dating? "
Yes, absolutely!!! and I would expect them to do the same in return because afterall WE'RE NOT MARRIED/NOT LIVING TOGETHER, ETC. we are only dating and let's be real — it's a competitive market out there, I know people tend to get comfortable with each other after awhile when they think they found the one, but no one should ever get too comfortable ever especially if you are in the dating game. Presentation is Everything!
"What if you were married and your wife/husband went from sexy-flexy to fatty-flabby? Has this situation ever happened to you?"
Marriage is a different beast altogether, when you are married you tend to overlook things as time progress and it happened to me and my ex husband, but the funny thing is we grew to accept it of each other — well moreso ME accepting his 17lb winter weight gain EVERY YEAR without fail but he always seem to lose it once he started his business season. I had blew up (15lbs) in the span of a year back in 2004 due to using the birth control patch for 2 years and it was NOT a good look because it went to all the wrong places, he never said anything about the 5 – 10lb weight difference but by the 13lb he was like "eh gayl your bumsee getting too big nah – yah need to go to the doctor yes" I was a little miffed at first that he said something but at the same time I knew that weight gain wasn't normal because I was active and watched what I ate for the most part…
Needless to say, I got off the patch and eventually got the weight off which was hard (took a year) because it was due to the hormones in the patch which was all up in my system but I did it.
<blockquote cite="comment-317029">
GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516: he was like “eh gayl your bumsee getting too big nah – yah need to go to the doctor yes”
Ha. Ummm, what language was he speaking when he said this to you though?
Trini Accent
Ok, first of all your ex -hubby's quote is hilarious. Second of all…great avi!
<blockquote cite="comment-317068">
Teflon Mom: Ok, first of all your ex -hubby’s quote is hilarious. Second of all…great avi!
Yeah, but I knew he was serious though..
and Thanks!!
First, lmao @ what language was he speaking. I luh me some Trinis, and I've been dubbed an honorary one. When it comes to the guys, they're a trip. I know not a single non-funny Trini dude..not one!
<blockquote cite="comment-317008">
Kema: I have had this conversation soooo many times. I am trying to lose about 20 my self. All I hear is “you’re gonna lose the booty”. To which I say “yea I will lose a little behind but I will lose a little everywhere keeping it balanced”
I don't get why most dudes don't understand that. 20lbs isn't going to make you go from miss fat booty to miss flat booty. Part of the problem is the definition of thickness has been bastardized. Every big butt isn't necessarily a good big butt. Some of the women being classified as thick crossed over to the dark side long ago, but dudes are still gassing them up. I'm not saying this is your issue at all, but I hate when men encourage women not to work out because they may lose some thickness. If she doesn't work out she'll go from thick to blah.
Great post! And I'm with WIM on all but one point…the Mom Effect.
I look like my father…and I don't have my Mom's shape…at. all. My Mom (as wonderful and purty as she is) is 5"3-5"4…and wears a size 14/16. She started wearing double-digit sizes in her late 20's early 30's. Her weight has fluctuated (14/16 & bigger) a lot (former smoker, surgeries, hormones, etc.).
HOWEVER, I've been between a size 4 and 6 from age 12 till now…at age 30. I was a size 8 after I had my 2nd son (loved those D cup boobs…RIP)…then the divorce took me down to a size 4.
I don't know who's body I have…wait, yes, I do. I have my body. This whole "look at the Mom" method has holes in it, lol.
Plus, any man that wants me thinner only needs to stress me out, lol. I don't eat when I'm stressed. Guaranteed weight control method, lol.
"I don’t eat when I’m stressed. Guaranteed weight control method, lol."
Same here, I HAVE NO APPETITE when I'm stressed.
When my brother went to jail year or so ago, his girlfriend was a fatty (A Diamond In The Rough)
Him going to jail stress her out so much, that she lost weight & ended up looking gorgeous…
Stress can work to a person's advantage sometimes
You could probably beat your brother's girl while he away… give that some thought.
No you didn't just suggest that! 😮
@ Dr. J
Been there, attempted that, don't wanna talk of about it… 😀
Changed my pic…as proof that Mom & Daughter don't always look alike. It's small, of course…not as fab as it is blown up…but I hope it solidifies my point!
Awwwww, I read your post in my inbox and was ready to come on here and cuss you out for putting a bragadocious skinny girl pic up 😉 but that's just beautiful <3 <3 thanks for sharing!
LOL! Thanks! I love Mom-Dukes! The only thing we have alike is our voice, lol…confuses my Grandmother and all other relatives over the phone. Oh, and we have great skin, lol…never had an acne problem. Thanks, Mom!
You're just beggin to get cut, right?
*orders jumbo sized, teenage boy strength, super ProActiv kit*
You bout to be naturally black and blue and crippled with yo braggin self…
:-p
Look… You can't miss that Sade/Tyra-esque feature I've got, lol…and for that, God owed me!!! For that cross, I deserve to be slim with clear skin and a booty! LOL!
Fair trade…
I'm not mad at you girlie 🙂 just having some fun, work that slim frame and sneak attack booty!
I don't think anyone
who is reasonableis going to take issue with this post because we can all agree that 50lbs is a helluva lot. I think there'd be more dissenting views if this post referred to 10 or even 20lbs.Good post WIM. I agree.
Though, let's generalize this a bit. If a lady I was dating was 150 lbs. My reaction to her losing 50 lbs would be about the same as if she gained 50 lbs. Both are signs that something is wrong. So drastic changes in weight over short periods of time is a no-no.
50 pounds ain't happening. I can't even see being in a serious relationship with someone that doesn't work out or watch their health at all. That sh*t makes me softer than they will be if they keep it up. If they do end up gaining weight, it's because it's muscle, they're pregnant (lawd please no, not now), or they went through a traumatic event. As for casual dating, I have the right to bounce just as was stated above. I don't gotta stay and love anybody on the inside for who they are if I'm not physically attracted to them.
I completely aree with Wisdom…
OMG I was just having this convo with my sister!!! First off I wouldn't date a out of shape / Fat guy (judge me if you want but its my preference) so if he gained a CRAZY amt of weight as we were dating I'm def leaving ! In addition, I dnt think a man should have to stay in a "dating" relationship esp. if he is no longer interested or physically attracted. Chances are he may end up eaching on her, so they're better off not staying together anyway. I plan on being that girl that stays in shape even while I'm preggo. Maybe its my fear of being overweight that drives me to work out, but I think every1 should work out & stay in shape. Granted weight gain may be inevitable as we get older but letting yourself go is inexcuseable.
50 pounds is WAY too much to gain. It shows something is wrong and if she didn't address it…yes I would leave too. I could tolerate up to about 20 pounds…but anything over that is too
Good grief. Typos. Smh…
<blockquote cite="comment-317027">
N.I.A.naturally:
50 pounds is a lot of weight. No, really. 50lbs is a lot. I’ve stopped dating men for less… much less.
For me, my dude wouldn’t even get to that point. My personality is very nurturing(off line), and with me puttling off the couch for a walk, cooking vegetarian/vegan meals, and generally staying on him about black men, and the general lack of concern they have for their health, he would not get there. Granted, for me to do all of this, we’re probably on our way to the alter.
However, if we were just dating, I would still encourage him to be active. I walk everywhere, so I would encourage him to join me. But, ultimately, you can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do, nor can you make them do what they’ve never done. This is why a love for fitness, diet/exercise, and all things health related, are at the top of my imaginary list of things I must have in a mate.
I didn't gain 50 pounds and I birthed 2 babies at once. 50 pounds is a lot of weight. If we're talking dating, then yeah you can't expect anyone to stick around while you blow up like nitro with no medical problems. But really, a lot of women get into relationships, get on a consistent birth control and start to spread. Those hormones are not a joke and the main reason that I let the pill and the patch go.
"But really, a lot of women get into relationships, get on a consistent birth control and start to spread. Those hormones are not a joke."
Please say that again LOUDER for the menfolk in the back of the church.
Teflon,
Prenatal care is dependent on the type of insurance/doctors you have. BCBS or Aetna doctors put women on that 35 lb diet and they plan it over the 40 weeks. They make sure you don't hit that target weight gain until week 36-40.
Now Medicare and some HMOs like Warren County Mutual Healthcare, they don't give a whoot, they let women take care of that on their own.
<blockquote cite="comment-317061">
Teflon Mom: But really, a lot of women get into relationships, get on a consistent birth control and start to spread. Those hormones are not a joke and the main reason that I let the pill and the patch go.
I've heard horror stories about women and birth control but fortunately *knocks on wood* I havent had any experience first hand. I mean I've dated women that gained a LITTLE weight when they got on BC but that's fine. The ends justify the means. Now if she BLEW UPPPPP *waves arms around* then I'd respectfully ask her to get off birth control (if she was my girl).
Amazing amazing post!!!
I love how everyone on this site is slim and trim. Overweight people don't read this blog too? LMAO
Overweight —->
You're not what I meant by "overweight" -I was being
Canadiannice. I have pounds to lose too- I meant FAT. I'm just poking fun at the fact that many of the women posting are all gym fanatics (myself included). 😉but I am though, really, I'm fat. It's ok, I'm working on it and I still think I look good 😉#StruckthroughForYourComfortLMAO @ being Canadian!!!
I'm nowhere near a gym rat, I work out 2-4 times a week for an hour at a time but I only do it because I know I need to. No part of me loves it, I've gotten a "runner's high" like ONCE, and if I were one of those people with "good genes" that didn't have to work out, I wouldn't (except for competitive games). I love to eat and bake with saturated fats. They are my weakness. #AllCreamCheeseEverything Fortunately I did get "good health genes" so this only caught up to me healthwise a couple years ago, resulting in a lifestyle change and a 70 pound drop
followed by a heartbreak and about 20 pound gain. I put up my most flattering pics, like anyone else, but trust me when I tell you, "overweight" is very fitting.And as far as fatties not posting…I'd guess it would probably be because a) they don't want to be judged, b) WIM and KIR made very valid points, c) 50 pounds is extreme, and d) the title stopped them from even reading the post. We're a sensitive people. Fat is one of the few things left that everyone can make fun of without much repercussion.
D@mn that was longer than expected #Pause and #MyBad
I am NO gym rat, LOL. I am tiny by design. I tend to work out more when my "bf of the moment" is into it…you know…just seems fair. Left to my own devices, I'm pretty content with my slim genes.
Not that I'm proud of that, per se. But, I'm not losing sleep over it either, lol.
When I make an arm muscle in the mirror, I still see muscle definition…false sense of security, lol.
<blockquote cite="comment-317077">
Starita34:
And as far as fatties not posting…I’d guess it would probably be because a) they don’t want to be judged, b) WIM and KIR made very valid points, c) 50 pounds is extreme, and d) the title stopped them from even reading the post.We’re a sensitive people.Fat is one of the few things left that everyone can make fun of without much repercussion.
^^^^I guess that about covers it. And don't laugh, I actually am Canadian. Couldn't tell, eh? 😀
<blockquote cite="comment-317078">
Dr. J:
Cheeky,
Listen, people who read this site have a very loose definition for slim and trim.The Surgeon General does not agree with them though.
I love all them though, it’s cool.But some people need to watch the Kool-Aid and Teddy Grahams.
Lol @ the bolded. I think vanity is my only measurement of slimness. I am big into Fashion and I like being able to wear all the "cute" outfits.
@Cheeky, I have to ask, is Canadian poon more better/different/tighter/wetter/uranium based/more swagnificent than American/International poon…?
I would ask Max, but we are not on the best of terms right now 😀
LOL, Canadian or not, making "nice" and "Canadians" synonymous cracked me up! Ya'll so d@mned polite, sound like preachers when you curse lol!
http://bit.ly/kGXggQ <–Canadian Steez
<blockquote cite="comment-317108">
Adonis…:
@Cheeky, I have to ask, is Canadian poon more better/different/tighter/wetter/uranium based/more swagnificent than American/International poon…?
I would ask Max, but we are not on the best of terms right now
O.O…….. I don't even know how to begin to……Wow. Da hell would I know about any type of poon??? Besides my own. Should I ask you to describe for me the variety of American peen?
*blank stare*
@Starita I can't lie, cursing doesn't come naturally to me but that's just me. I know plenty of sailor mouthed Canadians, for real. I love that pic though! *right click, save*
<blockquote cite="comment-317087">
cynicaloptimist81:
I am NO gym rat, LOL. I am tiny by design. I tend to work out more when my “bf of the moment” is into it…you know…just seems fair. Left to my own devices, I’m pretty content with my slim genes.
Not that I’m proud of that, per se. But, I’m not losing sleep over it either, lol.
When I make an arm muscle in the mirror, I still see muscle definition…false sense of security, lol.
*taps you on your skinny shoulder blade*
Um, excuse ma'am, your presence is requested on Le Twittuh…make that happen.
<blockquote cite="comment-317116">
Starita34: *taps you on your skinny shoulder blade*Um, excuse ma’am, your presence is requested on Le Twittuh…make that happen.
Uhhhhhh….I'm actually there…but under my gov't name…which is connected to my music endeavors. Plus, I don't get cell phone reception at the j.o.b (EXPLETIVE tmobile EXPLETIVE)…so I'm hardly ever on it. 🙁
#cantcrossswords #alreadysaidtoomuch #dooh
Girl, make a second ratchet blog account under a new e-mail address…you won't be the first one with 12 twittuh accounts, lol
*looks directly at you, yes you*
LOL!
I'll think about it. 😉
Cheeky,
Listen, people who read this site have a very loose definition for slim and trim. The Surgeon General does not agree with them though.
I love all them though, it's cool. But some people need to watch the Kool-Aid and Teddy Grahams.
<blockquote cite="comment-317078">
Dr. J:
Cheeky,
Listen, people who read this site have a very loose definition for slim and trim.The Surgeon General does not agree with them though.
I love all them though, it’s cool.But some people need to watch the Kool-Aid and Teddy Grahams.
Lol @ the bolded. I think vanity is my only measurement of slimness. I am big into Fashion and I like being able to wear all the “cute” outfits.
HA! I know right! I think I'm fat (but its because I am not comfortable with where I am now) I get yelled at every time I say it though.
I am 5"7" (my brother says I am 5"8", but whatever) & I am 195LBS…
Average build thanks to a skinny father & a slighty overweight mother… (well, she is fat now)
**Clouds part, Sun shines**
Brainy steps out of the shadows….
I've been reading here for long enough, so I guess I ought to quit lurking, LOL..
Anyhow, I'm fat and I read here. LOL
great post. i've been doing the whole 'peep mother out to figure out how home-girl will turn out' style for a minute.
Attraction is a big part of dating/relationships/marriage…women who discount that/discredit it, are those i probably would fall the ***k back on. *preemptive strike*
*salute*
This post would have been real if it was gaining 30 lbs but you said 50 lbs so most ladies cosigned.
A few ladies on this post like tall men, they should be aware that let's say you dating a dude that's like 6'6", those guys gain mad weight if they don't stay working out and sh*t. I tell you right now if you look at these former basketball players they gain weight. Plus this goes for most athletes, look at the sprinters on your track teams from college, they were like 6' maybe 175, yep, they fill out to about 205, as soon as they stop working out all the time, and with age, like maybe 30-40 years that can become 225 and real talk, probably ain't going to make him obese.
Now for the ladies talking about they would never gain 50 lbs, all i'm saying is a lot of you told cats in HS that you wasn't going to gain the Freshman 15 and then took that on a semester by semester basis and failed each time. Chicks left HS at 120 and came back summer break at 150. Stop lying.
Probably lost like ten pounds once you looked in the mirror one day and saw your prom pictures. Then when you get out of college you gained another 20 lbs because you wasn't as active as you once was back in college. That right there put you at 160 lbs. NOW let's hope you were bone thin in high school.
All that to say, women need to chill thinking they can't gain that type of weight. You like 25 and done already put on 30 since HS, you can just as easily put on another 30 in 10 years off nothing.
However, "it can be light, dark, skinny or fat, p**sy is p**sy, so yeah I hit that." – Tony Yayo.
The absolute truth! Thus the reason I need to lose 20 lbs LOL
If it means that you will lose the nose & the cleavage… You get a #Nosign from me…
Not every woman should lose weight, but alot of y'all do…
YUP!!!
Nah bruh bruh, 30 pounds is too gully for me and this post probably would have went ALL THE WAY LEFT. I think it depends on the passage of time. MAYBE 50 pounds over the course of a marriage is MAYBE workable. I dont know, because I'm not married and I havent been with someone that long. Hopefully, I never have to worry about that anyway.
However, over the course of dating? Which is usually what?
10 to 20 years for some women staying with that dude who wont commit to themA few years for the average person? I cant think of any legit reason for a woman I'm dating to gain 50 pounds in a few years and expect me to stay around. And another point, I'm asking people to stay WHERE I MET THEM at. It's not like I expect a woman to loose weight when I meet her.So if I meet you and you're slim, well honestly, slim chicks are lucky because they get a lot more leeway to move up the scale. But if you're already thick and you migrate up to fat, that aint kosher. Now if I meet you, fall in love, and you're already a big girl, then it's all good.
ALL I'M SAYING IS, I have no plans to stay with a woman that makes a large transformation up OR down the scale if I'm not feeling it wherever she lands — and that's real.
<blockquote cite="comment-317103">
WisdomIsMisery: However, over the course of dating? Which is usually what?
10 to 20 years for some women staying with that dude who wont commit to themI think I heard toes being crunched…feelings being bruised, LOL. Ouch!!!!
Never be afraid to keep it movin', ladies…NEVA!
I'm in the minority. I secretly wish a guy I'm dating would gain a bunch of weight so nobody else will want him but me. I'm stingy.
LMAO! Horrible! #HonestDoh
Seriously. He already works out everyday & then was talking some noise about going on a diet. I think I cried a little bit. lol *in my "angry black woman voice* "Who you tryna get fine for?!"
Girl, let that man be great — you just make sure you stay on your Flyness. 😉
#2CanPlayThatGame
But on the real.. I kinda feel what you sayin though, it's like your man trying out a new cologne or stepping up his boxer logo brand game like "Ninja, since when you started wearing jockeys? what. the fruit of the loom logos ain't good enough for you no more? who you tryin to impress? And where's the drakkar noir you uses to love to wear so much, oh now you wearing that eternity?? o__O
hahaaa.
#YouNeedMorePeople
But it makes sense
Yo. Tell me why this lady I'm messing with is already cooking Lasagna and homemade desserts and ish. Sitting there talking about. "Don't you want some candy?" "Eat this (tub of) ice cream with
offme." She's tiny though and don't cook like that for herself. Straight up trying to fatten me up so I can go nowhere. #fattenyouupswindle #sugarswindle #carbsswindle #metabolismswindleShe's serious too…
I'm not trying to fatten my man up, but I do like to feed them well though… #ShruggsyBogues
*smhl*
You see, and thats why chicks don't cook because when we do yall think we on some "MakeHimUnDesirable2FemalesSwindle*
Can't Please Riggins I tell Ya
*Re-Seals the Box on Cuisinart 12pc Pot Set*
<blockquote cite="comment-317104">
GirlSixx is ChloeRayne516: Girl, let that man be great — you just make sure you stay on your Flyness. #2CanPlayThatGame.
LOL you're so right. But I'll be at the gym with Stevie Wonder "Lately" on repeat having the most depressing workout of my life!! lol Ima let him be great tho lol.
<blockquote cite="comment-317067">
LovelyLady: To “HappenedToMe” how has your experience effected your dating life since you and this girl broke-up? Are you in a current relationship? Do you date women who are only 145 pounds now? I feel what you are saying but just wanting to know the effects.
The experience actually taught me more about myself and what I desire, want and need from a physical and even an emotional standpoint. Im not against dating(or even being attracted to) a woman thats over 145lbs, like the article said-all weight gain isn't bad. So if I met a woman that was say, 165(which i have) depending on how she carries that weight is what will stand out. Im barely 5'9, 185lbs so……,I say "145" because IMO thats a safe weight area to allow for unexpected weight gain from emergencies, health problem, etc etc..
My ex-husband was like that…I remember one time he made me sign some type of contract/agreement..and it was before we got married…I did it for fun..but, that negroe was dead azz serious….it stated something like…"be able to get into those daisy dukes you were wearing when I met you" or something….lol…he was a maniac about weight though..and I was nowhere near FAT…when I say I wasn't…please know its true. All my friends, family were like..he's a bozo…you are not fat….but, when I had my babies..I did get a little chunky..so, I joined the gym and started working out like a beast..got all right and shyt..and then he goes and finds someone else…when and if you do do something…make sure you are doing it for YOU..don't do it to try and keep someone around..because people change their minds, they are fickle…so, just do it for the right reasons…..I still maintain a decent weight..but I do it for myself…my current SO keeps sweatin me about gaining more and more weight..I am not going to do that..sorry.
Yo,
I agree with WIM on this. I hold myself to high physical standards and I struggle, but I make it happen and will motivate my s/o to do so. To do that is to care in my opinion.
Good ish
I guess I'm the lone fat poster *eats a cupcake*
*in MJ-sounding voice:
You are not alone. I am here with you. FAT poster —–>
Sorry for the late comment (worked late- can't reply @job)
There's been a running theme that 'as long as there's no medical problem' it's ok to BOUNCE!
Why?
If I meet someone and find them attractive, and they ALREADY had a medical condition that cause weight gain (or anything else I found objectionable), wouldn't they ALREADY have weight gain? Were they severely anorexic? Did you catch them at the onstep of the problem?
Which brings me to…
If I meet someone and find them attractive, and they DEVELOP a medical condition that causes them to become unattractive TO ME, AND WE ARE JUST DATING, why would it be wrong to leave?
Most medical problems that can cause weight gain are serious. Having to potentially take care of someone who is a) not blood, b) not wife, c) not even 'boo' yet, AND I CAN'T EVEN LQQK @ 'EM? That's a lot to ask of someone you're just dating.
It sounds harsh, but that's REAL LIFE! Actual spouses (with rings, and reception bills) walk away from that kind of responsibility. Parents kill, abandon and put up for adoption their OWN CHILDREN because it's too much to take on. Why should someone I'M JUST DATING be held to a higher standard?
Can we all agree that Steadman would have been #bilosing if he had applied this theory early in Oprah's career?
Question to the masses…. would I be wrong for leaving a man whose income dropped 50K? In my opinion there are a lot of things more important than weight. A good diet plan, workout routine and a personal trainer can completely transform your body in 6 months or less. What can transform a person’s attitude, Outlook on life, education, earning potential, financial stability, and most importantly, LOVE FOR ME as easily? I respect all of y’all opinions, but IMHO there are a LOT more egregious changes that would make me leave a man.
I will speak up for the married men. You all talk about bouncing when the weight increases, but I can tell you it sucks to be married when this happens. My wife is on her third set of clothes since we first met. It will be nine years married this year. She is 5'2" and +40 pounds since we met (I learned recently that she is +60 over high school) and not in the good places. Whole other weight class that I avoided like the plague when I was single.
BTW, I found this Internet height/weight chart last year. It is a good way to figure out what you like. I pretty like 5'1 @ 110 and add 10 pounds per inch.
http://www.cockeyed.com/photos/bodies/heightweigh…
Hey wisdom I see older versions of men that think Like you all the time,usually divorced or eternally single for having unrealistic standard . While I agree with you on health and keeping yourself attractive for your mate I also live in the real world where there is kid plus a husband that might as well be a kid since he needs care too,work maintaining an household I only get about 20 minutes to work out daily,so I'm not as slim as I can be and should I be penaliZed for it, it would be all good. I think with time you will realize how immature your expectations are for you will get older too and unless you plan on living in the gym someday someone will leave you because you are "unattractive"
Have a blessed day.
I've read a lot of talk about going to the gym in this thread. However, I'd like to point out that staying in shape, as opposed to staying physically fit, is majority nutritionally related. Many people don't watch their diets. They skip breakfast, eat huge lunches, and go hours before eating yet another huge meal. Weekends? Forget it? If we want our partners to stay in shape, we must eat well, as a lifestyle, not as part of a diet. Everything else will eventually fall into place.
I forgot to make that point…
You can literally NOT WORK OUT and have a good diet & be fit…
But most people cannot outwork a sh*tty diet…
I was so thinking about my stickwithitness, I forgot about that least known fact
This cuts both ways. A friend of mine recently dumped her boyfriend for not dropping the weight. She told him for years that working out and maintaining a healthy weight was important to her, but he kept gaining and refusing to exercise until it reached a point where she was no longer physically attracted to him; so she called it quits. However, what I usually see are couples who get married and both gain weight. This happened to another friend and her husband. With kids, working out just fell by the wayside. Now they work out together and have both lost the weight. go teamwork! lol
Similar to your father's advice (about looking at a woman's mother), I believe women in their 20s, should date men in their 30s for superficial reasons. I swear so many dudes look good in their 20s, but once they're over 30, that's when you see what the real deal is. Understanding more and more every day why women married older back in the day (and that's just ONE reason).
Anyway, my rule of thumb is to expect my man to be as fit as I am. I work out, keep it tight, and so should he.
" Understanding more and more every day why women married older back in the day (and that’s just ONE reason)."
lol, I'm pretty sure that had absolutely nothing to do with men's physique.
What does it mean to "only" date someone? Does that mean you don't love them? If my SO gained a ton of weight, I could never leave him for that alone. I would do everything in my power to help him get back into a healthy lifestyle. My SO and I are both not quite in the shape we were when we first met, but we encourage each other when we start slipping and we find ways of staying fit together (i.e. playing sports, jogging together, etc.)
Dating is outside the realm of a committed, monogamous relationship. Loving someone isn't restricted to a labeled title.
I dont wish anything bad on anyone. But if something should happen to you and you loose something vital that kinda made you who you are at one point in time (ie sight, hearing, use of a limb or limbs), I hope your wife leaves you. #thatisall.
Avoidable things >>>>> Unavoidable things.
Lets not be dumb.
I dated a man that told me if I LOST weight, he'd probably would leave. Being heavy, I've run into guys who dig only fat chicks and skinny just isn't an option. So having your preference about the people you DATE is perfectly OK. Once you get married though, I'd hope both parties would want to get/ remain in good health for a long life together.
This has happened to me, BUT i didn't watch the progression cuz at the time of the weight gain we were on hiatus. We stopped talking and over the course of maybe 4-6 months she gained easily 35 lbs. and being only 5'2" and already pretty thick at 135ish … Adding another 35 lbs made her undesirable. I told her, if you get back college smooth then we can get back together (A tad bit of a stretch), but it was more so to motivate her. Seeing the new her HURT cuz she was smoove before and now … SMH … i don't want to talk about it anymore.
This is the best expression of this issue that i have ever laid eyes on. Im glad im not the only one who is so picky, for lack of a better word.
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