Home Featured When is it OK to Deny Him S*x?

When is it OK to Deny Him S*x?



I bet she not even really sleep...I wonder if Kim is still up.

I listen to a syndicated talk radio show and it seems like their sole purpose is to come up with inflammatory questions to ask their listeners each week. Last week’s question was:

When is it OK to deny your husband xes?

Responses fell into three general categories.

Category 1: Never. Other than the monthly visit from Aunt Flo, these women said they never deny their husband’s xes when he wants it.

Lord, I hope my wife falls into this category. I recognize my wife is more than a xes symbol and I hope you’re intelligent enough to recognize I realize that. If you are not, you have issues, not me. Why would I marry a woman just for xes? Don’t be stupid.

However, to want to have xes with my wife is normal, if not expected. I see nothing wrong with having a reasonable expectation to have xes with my wife when I want to and vise versa. I am not married, so maybe I live in a world of fairy tales and unicorns to assume that my wife would be willing to have xes with me, her husband. What a crazy concept.

As an additional note, in High School a girl told me the following: You can swim in the Red Sea as long as you don’t drink the water.

“That’s all I have to say about that.” – Forest Gump

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Category 2: When I’m not in the mood.

Fair enough. I imagine under the rigors of work, marriage, kids, and life in general, there will be times were my wife, I, or both will not be in the mood to have xes at the same time.

My only concern would be – and I’ve been in a relationship like this – we only have xes when she is in the mood. If her mood does not align with my mood, then too bad. That’s fine, it’s your body and you can do what you want with it.

However, in this instance, xes can easily become not an act of passion and connection between the woman I love and have chosen to spend the rest of my life with, but instead it is nothing more than an abuse of power whereby she uses xes to manipulate and control the relationship on her terms. Don’t act like this is a far-fetched concept. If you’re not in the mood, you’re not in the mood but if you’re strangely always in the mood when you want something and never when you don’t, that’s a problem.

Category 3: Whenever I feel like it, for whatever reason I feel like, and I don’t owe him any explanation, because I am more than a vagina! *finger snaps and neck jerks*

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In my humble opinion, a man should not have to go through hostage negotiations to have xes with his own wife.

The majority of these women made comments like, “if he only wants an O he should [master his domain].” This is a strange concept to me for a multitude of reasons. First of all, no one ever says this to women. I have never heard a man remark, “if she only wants an O she should [master her domain]!” How silly would that sound?

Further, we’re not talking about some John off the street. We’re talking about your HUSBAND. The person you supposedly love and vowed to be with for the rest of your life. Is there no taking one for the team? Your husband, whom I assume is faithful (for now) is trying to sleep with you, his wife. Isn’t that how it is is supposed to happen? Lastly, I’ve been a man a long time and without going into too much detail I am 99.8% positive they have not created anything that comes remotely close to [insert politically correct preferred term for your lady part here]. If they have please point me in the direction of that flea market. Otherwise, telling the man who loves you to mastur-his-bate instead of have xes with you, his wife, is the dumbest comment I have ever heard anyone make in my entire life – and it reflects poorly on both the view of your xes skills and emotional connection you two have if you think you are that easily replaced.

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According to NBC news, there are 20 million Americans in xesless marriages (marriages where couples have xes less than 10 times a year). I’m sure many started out in one of these categories. Where do you see yourself falling when married or, if you are already married, fall currently? Which statements do you agree or disagree with? If a husband/wife turns their significant other down, do they owe them an explanation? Would you remain in a xesless marriage?

PS. Check out my latest video blog, Her Second Option.


  1. The only time when a woman is denying a man s*x is in the courtship phase or when she is about to give him his walking papers…

    You are just begging to get cheated on… (But women know if their men are able and/or willing to seek out some foreign poon & act accordingly…)

    Interesting to see if this tactic has revived a relationship…

    1. Look at this ….. an Adonis comment we can all agree on.

      Five likes… no dislikes. Toast this man….waiter, champagne.

      1. Cheekz, you are probably way more masculine than me…

        You know it can't stay like this… Women are the agreeable ones…

        Men have to trailblaze & be revolutionary…

        Let's just pretend like it never happened…

  2. Where do you see yourself falling when married or, if you are already married, fall currently?

    Somewhere between categories 1 and 2. For me to be so far "not in the mood" to deny my HUSBAND chex someone has to have died. I would expect that since I won't be pulling that card out often, it would be respected.

    If a husband/wife turns their significant other down, do they owe them an explanation?

    Yes, kinda. I don't think there needs to be an actual convo, but the hubby should know what's going on with me/us/him that's making me say no.

    Would you remain in a xesless marriage?

    That's a hard one. I guess my answer is yes but we would definitely be seeing some sort of counsellor/therapist.

  3. I agree with category one. S.ex should never be used as a weapon, especially not in a marriage. …Honestly, one of the things I look forward to when I'm married is having the ability to have s.ex with the man that I love all the time and all of the intimacy,passion and intensity that that will bring.

    1. I agree! A wife should NEVER deny her husband sex and vice-verse he should NOT deny her either. In a marriage (so sacred) they both have to submit their bodies to each other. So I concur with #1.

      As a woman/wife it would behoove you to be wise to build your house and not tear it down by denying your spouse sex.

      1. I don't use sex as a weapon, denying him is denying me too, no dice. I deny food, it works better. Mess with me you will be stuck in line at Mickey D's or something during your lunch break while I'm eating the leftover turkey tenderloin for dinner. Let that grease hit your gut sucka!

        Food works way better than xes. Coochie follow a man around, turkey sandwiches don't.

        1. I would like to high five this right here JG…

          I haven't been in the kitchen to cook in a LONG time. I shall end that streak tomorrow since I have had SEVEN full days of happiness. But to deny myself… Nah uh… That can't work.

        2. "Let that grease hit your gut sucka!"

          Why am I hearing Esther's voice from Sanford & Son while reading this.. *lmaoh*

          "Coochie follow a man around, turkey sandwiches don’t."


  4. I don't really understand not being in the mood, the only time I'm not in the mood is when its that time of month or when i'm sick. Maybe I'll understand better when I have kids or something. I don't think I could stay in a s.exless marriage, I feel like that would signal a problem in the relationship we would have to deal with that ASAP!

    I've tried to withhold s.ex as punishment before but it never works because I can never stick to my plan, I go in thinking "i'm gonna show him and not give it up the goods" and then 30mins later I've sweated out my hair….

  5. Sex shouldn't be used to manipulate anyone, I hate that concept. Especially since I believe women desire/ need physical intimacy just as men do. Where are these ice queens who refuse their husbands sex for extended periods of time? Did they carve out their equipment and pull a davey jones?

  6. As of right now, I'm all for category one. Not saying that this stance isn't subject to change, but I doubt it will. Chex is great. I can't wrap my head around telling my HUSBAND (whom I'm sure to be madly in love with) no to the makings of love unless it's that one week a month that I'm handicap. Really, who doesn't feel like boning? Personal and family tragedy. Maybe then I'll say no to my man. Maybe that would make me feel a lil bit better.

    Yep. I all for category one.

  7. Everyone has an ideal of what they'd do, and then real life happens. I imagine most ppl would cosign category 1 categorically!

    I think the only way to answer this question is to evaluate your present sex drive, while single, and your willingness to please.

    I just studied this, but the number one sex problem for women is hypoactive sexual desire…while for men it's premature ejac. Interesting.

    Anyway, for the woman, due to a myriad of reasons, the problem starts in her mind (and endocrine system). And seriously, there are professionals who can help women with this!

    This is even more difficult for women who marry as virgins at a later age. Lack of experience leads to painful xes, decreased lubrication, anorgasmia…etc, etc. The more experience she acquires, the better it gets, but some may be discouraged before then and decide sex is not her thing and it becomes a chore…NO BUENO!

    Many virgins claim that all that waiting will lead to an outpouring of everything xes, once she's married of course. That's not a lofty goal at all, but one that may require the help of a xes therapist. The couples with the best xes lives are the ones that are not afraid to ask for help.

    That being said, like Kriola said, I don't really understand not being in the mood… my xes drive is so ridiculous that, since I'm unmarried, I consider it a curse…FML!

  8. Not because I wanna go with the grain but I feel and believe category 1 sounds like my cup of tea. Even when the painters come to put a new coat of red down, that doesn't exactly call for no xes. God bless the inventions of hot rags, towels and a shower.

    Plus, when you're married, you're supposed to give it up extra filthy dirty easy skanky nasty disgusting, or to their choice to your spouse, no? *shrug* What do I know? I'm single. Moving along but back to what I said, Scategory 1.

  9. i'm going to be honest and say i'm category 2… sometimes i just don't want to, whether i'm really tired, things are on my mind, i don't feel well, i was talking to my mother on the phone earlier for a long time (lord knows that woman can rile me up-and not in the good way) now i am not advocating to never take one for the team because that is all fine and dandy too, but just like there are days when he is not in the mood, i will have the same… and of course there are those days when the on one will put the off one into the mood and that is fine as well… its a delicate balance but realistic and easy to maintain…

  10. I'll plead the 5th on my Aunt Flow activities. Number 2 is always correct though. Is she doesn't feel like it, she just doesn't. I'm curious what some of the older men believe is the point where you go from 'We're not having xes' to 'You're not having xes'? I'm not going to negotiate xes with someone I'm married to. Ideally we would have discussed this prior to marrying one another. If it ever got to that I point (6 months is my arbitrary date off top), we may not be doing it to each other, but I'm getting mine.

    1. Mannnnnn 6 months … Ok realistically, if this is my wife, who i'm insanely attracted to and we had (at one point in time) excellent chemistry, knowing myself her presence gets me LIVE, so i'm really trying to fathom me sleeping EVERY night next to her and more than likely being at attention EVERY night for 6 months without entering her Easy Bake Oven.

      Can't fcuking do it (Sorry for cursing "Superbad")!!!!!

      I'd prolly have to be sent to Shutter Island after 6-8 weeks (God forbid).

      Imagine going to sleep On Special every night for *Hold on, let me get my calculation on* 42-56 days Skraight … Unconscionable. Something would have to give cuz obviously if she's on that at one point, she'll be on that for the duration of your marriage. Divorcification (New word) On Deck!! And whatever to adding to the divorce rate. My happiness is more important than worrying about contributing to America's increasingly high divorce rate or those vows I took (sad to say).

    2. 6 month period without s.ex in a marriage?…. O___O

      No such thing.

      She's definitely having S.EX — It's Just not With You. #thatisall

      1. "6 month period without s.ex in a marriage?…. O___O

        No such thing.

        She’s definitely having S.EX — It’s Just not With You. #thatisall"

        I find it infuriating when people make comments like this…With all due respect, you don't know that.

        @Malik: I think it's highly commendable that you'd be willing to be that patient with your wife. However, it'd be best to seek help before you actually get to your breaking point.

    3. Half a year? SIX MONTHS?? As in about 24-26 weeks? As in 168-182 days? As in 4032 to 4368 hours? As in are you out your mind? Nah. I'll pass. "Cuz I don't feel like it."? Well I guess people are getting married for other reasons besides everlasting love (and sex). *shrug*

    4. I think its interesting that no one has stopped and considered that maybe something is wrong with the wife that wants to go without and rather just assumes that shorty is being a beeetch and start filing divorce papers.

      6 months is a long time to go without for a man or a woman. (hell, 1 week is a long time to go without sex when your boo is layin next to u every night) And unless she getting serviced on the side (which is very possible), by denying you she is also denying herself.

      We all claim to know that women equate sex with emotion, not just physical action. So perhaps there's something wrong with your wife or with your marriage (or maybe even with you the husband), that's keeping her from wanting to do the grown-up.

      Why not, oh i don't know, actually talk about it (and not just "Aye woman, why aren't u f*cking me) instead of running to your sidepiece/divorce lawyer? IJS

  11. I imagine i'd fall into all 3 categories. Le sexy time in a marriage is important, so if there's no real reason for denial, then i wouldn't deny my hubby (denying him is also denying myself). But if i'm not in the mood, then i'm not always gonna oblige you (i will sometimes tho because moods can change with stimulation). And "whenever i feel like it" because my whenever i feel like it would have a logical reason behind it not just arbitrarily telling him "nope, go away". I'd hope that whomever my hubby is would know that just because he put a ring on it doesn't mean that he has unlimited access my goodies regardless of my feelings and that i wouldn't put any unnecessary restriction on le sexy time.

  12. I think I would like my future wife to be category 1 but I wouldnt mind if once in a while she isnt in the mood or tired because there will definitely be days when I m tired as hell. I think the problem sometimes is that people make sex a chore, its not meant to be a chore, its meant to be a beautiful thing shared by people. Sexless marriages often stem from mental and emotional issues, if the wife or husband thought of sex as a wonderful thing, they would be having lots of it

  13. So I had to comment on this. I would be in category 1 so only if Aunt Flo is in town or I'm sick. I think the only time I wouldn't be in the mood is if something traumatic happened. I don't know how people stay in a s.exless marriage. But I did read a book that after giving birth a woman's sex drive decreases greatly. Hormonal, biological reasons, so the baby becomes her primary focus. It should only last a few months though.

  14. First off some of you guys have issues for running red lights. i would never expose some I love dearly, like my child of the poke, to such a horrific blood soak murder scene. You know what they kind of thing did to Dexter.

    I am not going to lie, in my long ass relationships, denials happen. Esp when you are dealing with a night person and you like to get your morning freak on. That being said its important to keep your lover's happiness as a priority and denial is grounds for divorce.

  15. I'm interested to hear what married people have to say on this. Category 1 is ideal and that's where every person should want to be but I don't know how realistic it is. Sometimes you're just too tired even when you want to. This being said, I'd hope that both man and wife could find some balance. A sexless marriage sounds like cruel and unusual punishment to me. At the very least husband and wife should be willing to pacify their spouse via oral skills.

    1. I've been married since January and pregnant the entire time so I am not a good representation of the married group. I will say this, while pregnant, you don't always turned into the crazed horny woman that every man/woman hopes for. For me, I stayed feeling nauseous a lot initially so the motion of the ocean was the last thing I wanted… then you may get really tired. Everything short of sitting down somewhere can feel like a chore.

      I have friends that have been married for a lot longer than I… and the women say that the cravings for sex decrease because it seems like just another thing to do on the checklist. After working 8 hours (just like the man), then having to come home and be mama and housekeeper and cook, etc, their husband's needs get pushed to the end of the list and by the time the urgent things are done, they are tired.

      In my opinions, one thing a husband can do to avoid a xesless marriage is to help around the house. When she comes home, make it so that she has to do NOTHING but put her feet up. I think it's very easy to get comfortable in marriage but in order to keep the passion that you both had before taking on the serious roles of wife and mother, you have to maintain that focus on doing so.

      BTW- I think it's also important to use your 'I don't feel like its" sporadically. I am not saying men are prone to cheating… but I do think men need sex as a release and to even get through the week. They don't think of it like a lot of women and you can push your man to look somewhere or even IMAGINE how life would be somewhere else by denying him. I think sometimes you have to buckle down and be that sex kitten even when you don't necessarily feel like it.

      1. Been reading alot, and finally had to post!

        I'm feelin this, and this is how it should work (shining armor and all…), cook a nice dinner, clean the kitchen… and still get the no… (even if all I want is to see her enjoy herself) … There comes a point you feel like your tryin to pay for the goods! and if she's xexin' just for the "pay" and not the pleasure, what kind of relationship are you in?

  16. Some women lying like sh*t on this one…

    Do a quick poll of the male readers of SBM and they'll tell you they've dated countless women who said they are always in the mood, but when the goings on got going, they were telling tall tales. Women be selling that dream like Rosenhaus Sports, don't believe it until you see it.

    I think we spoke about this too before WIM, you need to qualify what type of s*x you talking about. Yeah, she'll be down for s*x, but nobody wants that she just laid there. You'll think it was wack as the man, and she'll keep telling all her friends and the innanets, "I'm always down for s*x."

    Yeah, right.

    1. I agree 100%. I don't know any of these women and they may all be telling the truth, However, I can't believe that almost every one of the women who posts possess this crucial trait. I'm not buying it either.

        1. It sure ain’t, you can get wild as all hell!!!!

          Even when we stay at my mother-in-law house, they can’t say anything because we’re married. I say we’re doing it in the name of Jesus and she walks off LOL. We don’t get invited much. MIL problem solved. They never want to hear their son’s toes cracking HAHAHAHAHAHA!


    2. "Do a quick poll of the male readers of SBM and they’ll tell you they’ve dated countless women who said they are always in the mood, but when the goings on got going, they were telling tall tales." Dr. J

      I wonder where you draw the line? I think some women fall into category #1… and I'm one of them. I never say no, because I'm always ready. But then when you intiate, it's like "oh you have an insatiable appetite". I think it's still taboo for a woman to have a high "s*x" drive. A woman like that, it doesn't take much: a few choice words, a few select rubs, and engines roar (and never passively).

      But on the other side, it's like am I too available? Should I deny him to keep him interested? What is too much?

      *sigh* Men!

    3. @DrJ: "I think we spoke about this too before WIM, you need to qualify what type of s*x you talking about. Yeah, she’ll be down for s*x, but nobody wants that she just laid there. You’ll think it was wack as the man, and she’ll keep telling all her friends and the innanets, “I’m always down for s*x.”

      Yeah, right."

      Yeah I believe we did.

      I've lived with a woman for about 2 years before, so I have SOME idea of what it'll be like. And I'll admit, for the record, that every night wasnt head board banging, hair pulling, face down…well you see where I'm going. Every night wasn't the Super Bowl. I think when you're with someone EVERY day, 365 days of the year, you're not always going to come with your A-game. That's just facts.

      I say all this to say, if I was married, I would take her just laying there than nothing at all. Like, I'd rather have her lay there than give me nothing at all. It's not like I have any other options. As long as her just laying there doesnt become a daily event, we're good. I'm being practical.

      1. "I say all this to say, if I was married, I would take her just laying there than nothing at all."

        respectfully disagree. You feel like an idiot putting in all that humping into a log. Its like effing a blow up doll. Can't stand when wifey says 'you are the man. You are suppose to be the on top/in charge.' I swear, after hearing those words I am already soft before I roll over.

        1. I'm with you on this. If this moment isn't gonna be enjoyable, why tarnish our fabulous chex record with a whack go'round?! Being tired is different from no desire, imo. Tired, you can overcome with proper conversation, foreplay, etc….I can be aroused (pun intended). No desire (like…I can't stand your guts right now), cannot be overcome that way, lol…not with me. What man is really ok feeling like a rapist????!!!! lol..smh…

          I don't get that at all…

          So, we might wanna get this beef resolved before bedtime, lol…get those communication skills up and lets get this crackalackin, lol…and everyone will be all smiles! 🙂

        2. A woman laying on her back does not a starfish make — trust me on this.

          I'm a Pillow Princess BUT no where near being a Starfish, your wifeyboo just needs to learn how to master that "PUshBack" #thatisall

        3. @GirlSixx

          Eff that. I need Sleepy Hollow every time I get down or its no go.

          Every time.

        4. True, GirlSixx, LOL…

          But, we both know if a sista is pissed enough, she'll be starfishing it like a muva…refusing to like anything going down…warding off an "O" and all that, lol…

        5. @CHeeKZ Money.

          I feel you but I'm going to keep it all the way real. Sometimes I just want an O and she just wants an O and we both get our O's and take our @sses to bed. *shrugs*

          At least, that's how it was for me. Maybe you all can go all out EVERY night.

        6. @WIS

          No I CAN NOT Sir. As a result I am not wasting a good effort on a lazy wifey. If I just want an O, I will do it myself. Less work. The O isn't sh!t, if it aint fun it doesn't include CHeeKZ

      2. I agree with you on this, every night can't be perfect and awesome, and when I'm tired or he's tired, it's just a thing to do to feel kinda good or get sleep or whatever. It still feels good even if it's not 100% active. Just not as good. BUT there's a difference between him being tired but still kinda into it versus being so high he doesn't even know what's going on, yet chivalrously allowing me to ride him. That shit is awful. Seriously. I'd rather do it by myself. And if I ever felt like that I'd definitely rather say no than just lie there like a blow-up doll.

        The only time in my longest relationship (going on 3 years) that I said no was when he had unknowingly hurt me and I was feeling like shit, and I was still going to have sex with him when he initiated except I felt so horribly like a whore that I started crying and stopped it, explained to him what was wrong, he apologized and explained things from his side and THEN we had sex. And talking to other women in long relationships, there's always a reason behind saying no. If everything's going great and he's doing right by you, you're going to have sex with him even if you don't feel particularly horny, cause it still feels kinda good to give him pleasure. But if he's not helping around the house, or making you feel like shit cause you've gained a few pounds, or chilling with his friends for the seventh night that week, aka not making you feel good, then obviously you don't really feel like making him feel good either. So when men say that you can expect your man to be cheating if you don't give it up, well, you need to look in the mirror first and ask yourself why she doesn't want to sleep with you. Cause if it's your fault, then you just lost your free-to-mess-around-pass.

      3. "It’s not like I have any other options…..I’m being practical"

        Firstly, I'm swooning over the first half of this quote. Secondly, I certainly agree that a lot of these folks aren't/weren't being realistic/practical. In my head, I'd totally fall under category one but based on what I've heard from married people, it actually takes conscious effort to keep things passionate and blazing. Certainly not advocating boredom in the boudoir or capitalizing on the comfort/security of a long term relationship or anything like that, I just think it's better to be realistic so you'd at least be ready to put in the effort if necessary.

  17. I've been married for seven years and I fall into category one. For the most part though, my husband is pretty good about reading me, which means he doesn't set himself up for a denial very often. He can foresee when I might or might not be willing to take one for the team or if he can possibly change my "mood." Oh and when Aunt Flo is in town, there are a few other things you can do together if riding the crimson wave is not your thing.

    1. I'm trying to avoid taking the comments left – and I'm pleading the FIF on how I feel about Aunt Flo co-visitation rights – BUT I did hear that s*x right before or in the beginning expedites her visit.


      *slowly backs out the comment forum*

      1. Riding the crimson wave is not his thing though we gave it a good honest try. I'm wondering if I'm the only one that actually feels bad for my man during that time. I feel obligated to offer up an alternative like a hand or head or * or a titty-fukc. Anything! Once I even offered a knee. I told my friend this and she looked at me like I'm crazy but I can't be the only woman who feels this way.

        1. " I feel obligated to offer up an alternative like a hand or head or * or a titty-fukc. Anything! Once I even offered a knee."

          *record scratch*

          A knee? Umm what does that do for him?

        2. @CR: You put lube behind it and bend it back. In a pinch, it'll work but you'll have to get passed all the cracking up.

        1. Thank you and I accept your nomination but before you induct me into the Hall of Gs, I have to share something. I asked my husband what he thinks about your post today and he said I'm always denying him. To that I gave an emphatic "What!?" He said just last night I denied him. I asked how. He said he was putting the moves on me and I asked a question, "how was your day?". Does this really count as a denial because that wasn't my aim.

        2. @Krystllyght

          If he didn't blaze last night then yes that counts as denial, since obviously u wasn't reciprocating the moves. It doesn't necessarily have to be verbal … Non-verbal cracks just as many domes as plainly saying "I'm not in the mood".

        3. Aww hell naw! Ya'll acting like I slapped his hand away! We ask each other this question every night. Am I to assume that when he asks me how my day was he's providing verbal interference to my plays?

        4. Girl, from what I can tell, he's using the wrong signals, lol. If you can't tell he "came lookin for booty", then he needs to update his playbook, lol. Clear signals are a must…'specially once you get tired…

          I think he's gonna have to own his whack nite-time approach, lol…not your fault at all!

        5. @krystllyght

          Man Law dictates I side with your husband regardless of the outcome.

          However, I do think this highlights an interesting point that affects many relationships. Men and women speak differently. Namely, men speak English and IDK what the hell women speak. Emotions or something. What I'm trying to say is women do so many off-the-wall-unexpected-backwards-speak that us men are left wandering aimlessly through the foggy forest of mystery trying to understand yall. Like I said before, I'm ALWAYS surprised when I have s*x and this includes when I have a girlfriend. I imagine it'll be the same way when I have a wife. When it comes to women, the only thing we as men can expect is the UN-expected.

          So in conclusion, by you asking that question, he probably thought you were low-key trying to suggest you werent in the mood. Know why? Because when you ARE in the mood, you dont tell us and when you are NOT in the mood – you dont tell us. Either way, we have to figure it out – and I cant speak for the next man, but I'm not psychic. I go in hoping for the best and expecting the worst.

          *R. Kelly voice* REAL TALK!

        6. CO: Girl you already know!

          Once dudes get married or in an LTR they get too lax with their moves. Just because I'm not new p*ssy, doesn't mean you have to treat me like the same old p*ssy. Saying baby and thumping me on my back with your d*ck shouldn't be all there is (That's not what he did last night jsyk.) and no I don't expect a song and dance every time. I guess ya'll would say it's my fault for letting him slide off so bad.

  18. I agree with Tash. I would love to say whenever he wants it but you don't know until you're in the marriage. With that said I won't sell any false dreams.

    Question for the guys, would it be a problem if  your wife/ girlfriend has xes when you're in the mood despite the fact that she's not and won't perform at her optimal level? 

    1. I actually don't have a problem not performing at her optimal level every time … Sometimes, i don't perform at my highest level … it'd be hypocritical of me to expect she should. I'd appreciate effort tho and if she doesn't get to a certain level during then i'd assume the blame, since i should be able to get my woman excited.

  19. Where do you see yourself falling when married or, if you are already married, fall currently? Which statements do you agree or disagree with? If a husband/wife turns their significant other down, do they owe them an explanation? Would you remain in a xesless marriage?

    Category #2. Realistically, I will not always be in the mood for xes, and neither will he. Xes should never be a chore, and although there'll be times when I defer to his needs and he to mine, there'll have to be times when we decide we'll just cuddle up and possibly do something to address the reason why either of us is feeling off. If I'm exhausted, it'd be nice for us to just lay down and him hold me while the world stops for just a short time. If he's stressed from work, I can just massage him down and perhaps give him some slow & gentle stimulation in key regions, while listening to him vent. Sometimes, xes will end up being had simply because the other partner ends up feeling better, but sometimes it won't. One has to be understanding enough to accept that, and the main goal should be to alleviate the other partner's stress.

    "Babe, I just don't feel like it." should suffice. But I feel as though it'd be kind of odd for the other partner to just be like "cool." and go about their business. I imagine that the reason behind it would be questioned, but "what's wrong?" is a safer bet than "why not?". Ideally, the question would be asked out of genuine concern. Sometimes, there is no communicable reason, and there should be allowance for those occasions.

    I don't know if I would remain in a xesless marriage, but I only say that because that speaks to a loss of intimacy between husband and wife. I was raised to believe in a "married for life" model, though, so I'll definitely be doing my darndest to work with my husband to address the root cause of our misalignment.

    All that said, I do not believe in withholding xes for the purposes of manipulation, but I do find it narrowminded when people (men & women alike) make it sound as though women should never say no chex from bf or husband. So when I can't even psyche myself up to want to engage in intimate activity, I should force myself to nonetheless? If he's been upsetting me recently and it's edged away at my desire, I should just suck it up? Because I get paid for this, right? Oh, wait. Let's be real, mature people in healthy marriages will make compromises for each other. Let's not pretend, however, that it is inherently wrong for someone to turn their partner down. Life happens.

    1. Good point. Ironically, since it was a comedy, I think Chris Rock's movie, I Think I Love My Wife, gave a pretty accurate portrayl of how one can fall into a s*xless marriage by accident. I think if you both deny each other enough times it gets to the point of, "why should I even bother asking/trying?"

      See, I think that's the dangerous ground. If the man OR the woman denies the other enough times, they will become insecure in even asking or trying. They may even begin to stray. At the end of the day, we all have egos – and we know the one's closest to us can hurt us the most. I dont plan on ever being in a situation like this, but I can see how it could easily become a slippery slope. Soon, a few "I'm not in the mood" become or are assumed to mean "I will never be in the mood."

      1. You're absolutely right. Both individuals within the relationship need to be self-aware and address the issue once they sense some awkwardness coming into play. I'm trying to think of different scenarios, but I believe it's safe to say that some alarm bells should start sounding if three consecutive requests get shot down. That's why I'm an advocate of the partner trying to get to the bottom of why exactly it is that the other feels that way. I can see myself randomly not being in the mood one time, and that's fine. If there is no deeper reason for it, I ought to be fine by the next, and even if I am not, I will make an effort for my husband's sake. Again, compromise is the name of the game.

        As some women have already mentioned, sex for us is initiated in the mind, so if he works his way into it, there's no real reason why it shouldn't be a GO. Sometimes, though, the guy just wants to rip clothes off and get in there. Not the best strategy if you've already been rejected once or twice. He should try to feel her out and remember that there can be some subtlety to his request for pleasure. It's all about give and take, so if he's worried about it, he should put his knowledge of his woman to the test and exploit the weaknesses that have been known to bring about the desired results.

        Sex is not the be all and end all of a marriage, but husband and wife should both be cognizant of the fact that it does play an important role. More than pleasure, it also furthers the intimacy between two people. However, there will be times when you have to address certain obstacles and focus on resolving them, because that'll be the key to getting back on track in that department.

      2. WIM: "See, I think that’s the dangerous ground. If the man OR the woman denies the other enough times, they will become insecure in even asking or trying."

        This. Then comes the next step: if a man or woman denies the other enough times, how long will it be before they come to the conclusion you don't care about them?

  20. I dont believe in denying the moochie ever when your married. When I was married the only time I didnt give it up was the 6 weeks after giving birth to our children and when we were legally separated. Other then that we were having s*xing regardless if were mad at each other, lady flow week, sleeping, feeding the kids….it didnt matter.

  21. As a single h*rny guy I'm leaning on category 1…BUT Ive lived with a woman in what was basically a marriage type of situation and its all about category 2….we got it in when each of us was in the mood….

    On another note I hope the stability in my marriage (when i get married) is not dependent on sex alone…so many things change throughout the course of a marriage and that includes sex/sex drive for both men and women..them other elements better kick in and hold us down just in case

  22. Unless I'm sick, I can't see any other reason to deny my husband. Note: I consider the pains that come along with Aunt Flo as being "sick."

    Also, just because you may not be in the mood, doesn't mean you won't be in the mood when things get started.

    A while back Oprah did a show about married couples that had to have *ahem* every day regardless of what was going on in their relationship. This challenge made a number of the couples happier. Some were forced to hash things out when they would ordinarily go to bed angry.

    In the end, I'd try to deny as little as possible…but then again, I have a healthy appetite for it. *shrugs*

  23. I totally agree with category 1. But have to admit, in my marriage, I was somewhere between 2 and 3… I’m divorced now… for many reasons, but I’m sure that withholding didn’t help… but I learned the error of my ways, and now believe in a “loving relationship/marriage”, which I didn’t necessarily have before, although there are times you just don’t feel up to it, because you want to be able to give your all, for the most part, should never withhold. I can only remember maybe a couple of times in my last relationship, which lasted 3 years, that I ever did. and that was due to just being dog tired or sick.

    1. Co-Sign!!!!!!!

      Sex is a natural anti-histamine, so don't let that cold or stuffy nose stop you … It'll actually clear yo cakes up temporarily.

        1. Solution: Back Shots

          And if her voice is deeper than mine with a cold, 9 times out of 10 it was deeper before the cold, which is agreed NOT SEXY nor is she in my bed.

          And if my memory serves me right, I've never coughed (outside of my own saliva going down my windpipe … smh) or heard my partner cough during intimate moments.

        2. yeah, you're right.. that is another solution. It works for me. the voice didn't necessarily have to be deeper before that thought lol. Sultry maybe, but not deep. But it is hard as hell trying to hold your damn cough lol. I've tried, and just not an overall good experience.

  24. Like everyone else I want to be in category 1 but I've been married before and I know I fell into category 2. On the positive side if you understand your woman then category 2 should not be a problem because you know what buttons to push.

    Oh… and about the red… just put a towel down. lol!

  25. Ladies, i have a question for you all:

    I feel as tho when Aunt Flo visits for how many ever days, skullduggery oral stimulation should be executed at thee very least once during that time period, is that a fair request?

    1. I agree wholeheartedly that is a fair request but, please keep in mind, sometimes Aunt Flo brings baggage with her, like headaches or nausea.

        1. lol All I can say is that I've been blessed. On average, the most stress I get from that period (um..pun unintended?) is trying to remember whether or not I secured insurance against leakage before stepping out that door.

  26. Well I'm not married (and have recently *mutually* decided that we really don't want to get married, but we love one another just the same…yes, we're now one of "those" couples) but I've been in a long term committed relationship for 5 years and I never deny s.ex. My man knows me so well that he knows exactly how to turn me on, and I know that even if I'm not in the mood I won't regret deciding to give it up when it's all said and done. However, people need to be realistic. Your spouse is not always going to be in the mood when you are and you should respect that. Better yet, you should do things that you know will put your spouse in the mood. If you know that at the end of the day she's exhausted because she's been taking care of the kids all day, why not take some of the burden off of her so she is relaxed enough to give you some attention. If you know that your man is stressed from work, rub his head, help him relax and try and look enticing instead of like you've been run over by a truck (I'm guilty of this sometimes). It doesn't take expensive lingerie, a tank top and boyshorts should suffice.

    When you nurture you're relationship and maintain a consistent level of intimacy, the s.ex will just fall into place.

    1. Bwahahahahahaha! *breathe* Bwahahahahaha!

      That is DEF too pretty for me…

      Looks like a wax job… *side eye*

  27. Category 1 por favor, lol. Although, I understand category 2, though. Co-sign on not using the "goods" for evil/manipulative purposes, too.

  28. For me, my chex button is hidden in my mind. If a man doesn't go there to press it in some way, eventually, once the novelty of the relationship is gone, he's gonna run into some problems. Now, I'm not tight-lipped about this. So, from my perspective, refusing to press the button is a choice…and the results should be expected.

    Having said that, my marriage started out in category 1 and eventually settled into category 2. When things really soured, he refused to press the button…opting to think that the present state of our marriage shouldn't be a turn-off for me and that I should just want "it". I hope I don't have to tell y'all how that turned out…or maybe I do since some of y'all can have chex while y'all are pissed off…but I'm not that woman. Stupidity will get you nowhere with me…refusing to use the map when you're lost is stupid.

    Now, the chex button is not hidden in my mind. It's actually pretty easy to find. Intelligent conversation will take you right to it…kissing me while I'm sleeping will take you right to it (fellas, y'all just don't know how endearing and loving that gesture is to us)…spending quality time with me (not necessarily a date) will take you straight to it…sincerely apologizing after you realize you were wrong about something will take you right to it…helping me with something (a chore, telling me to sit down while you grab the bags from the car, etc.) will take you straight to it…confiding in me will take you straight to it. It's not difficult to find the button at all. But, you'd be surprised how many men get complacent with this type of stuff after they've been with you for a while. And that's a shame…

    Ultimately, I think my final answer is: The category you fall in depends on the state of the relationship/marriage.

      1. I am but under my gov't name. It was suggested that I create a 2nd acct under this name…

        I dunno. I'm RARELY on twitter as it is, lol…

        Still thinking about it…

        But, thank you for asking me to join in on the twitter chatter! I'm feeling all wanted and stuff, lol. 🙂

    1. Now, I know it seems like I contradicted myself (hidden in my mind, not hidden in my mind), lol.

      But, I hope y'all know what I mean here. I guess the better way to explain it is, the chex button is in my mind…but it's not hidden in the center of a maze in my mind, lol.

      Just wanted to clarify…

      1. lol When I read that in my inbox, I debated over whether or not to call you out on it. =P I knew what you meant, though.

        1. LOL…I knew it…and you're prob not the only one that was like, "Imma let her have that one", LOL…smh.

    2. "Having said that, my marriage started out in category 1 and eventually settled into category 2. When things really soured, he refused to press the button…opting to think that the present state of our marriage shouldn’t be a turn-off for me and that I should just want “it”.

      "since some of y’all can have chex while y’all are pissed off…but I’m not that woman."

      COSIGN…. This was me in my marriage. If we haven't discussed the current issue at hand, and worked through the problem, how am I supposed to feel attracted to you in that very moment enough to just "want it" or just "take it" cause you throwing it at me. Sex in a marriage is attached to intimacy, your emotional and mental state. If there is no emotional connection at the moment, I'm not going to want you to touch me, AT ALL..

  29. When I was married I fell into category 2.

    It happens, as time progress after being marriage for awhile other things become important PLUS daily living, work and other chores/responsibitlites can sometimes kill the mood. But I will say this he ALWAYS managed to get me in the mood and there was no such thing as Aunt Flo visiting, he used to kick that bish to the curb on the regular.


  30. Dudes gotta be careful who they marry. Who wants to be with a woman they can't sleep with? That's just crazy, nobody should be rationing out the cat to their man. She must not really be feeling him like that.

    1. The Guy: "That’s just crazy, nobody should be rationing out the cat to their man."

      Rationing out the cat with the expectation that he isn't supposed to get it from somewhere else. That's some BS.

  31. I'll say that sex is usually just as much emotional for me as physical, and if I'm not into it emotionally (if I'm sad/mad because of something HE did), then no, I probably won't want to have sex. I just can't seem to separate the two. But I forgive easily, and I'm easily persuaded in love so I can't imagine that being too much of an issue. Other than that, there's nothing like a good "O" to help me forget about the other life issues that occupy my mind.

    1. See – I understand what you mean but we as women need to know that when we're mad and we have s*ex it releases the tension for both you and your man. You are able then to let your guard down and you can have a rational convo. Not always easy but it works!

      "there’s nothing like a good “O” to help me forget about the other life issues that occupy my mind." So true

      1. Dudes be lying too. Can't tell ya how many times I've gone to bed mad cuz that ninja got drunk, passed out, & wouldn't give me none…….

  32. I don't ever deny him no matter how mad I am. I punch him in the chest, ride him like an animal then when I'm through make him DO WHAT I POLITELY ASKED HIM TO DO HOURS AGO! Shoot, I can't be the only one washing dishes.

    Hell, making me rip off your wife blesser in half like that.

  33. Since we occasionally like to get our Jesus on here:

    1 Corinthians 7:5 (Amplified Bible) – Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of $exual desire.

    God knows what He's doing. Even the Bible states when a woman is withholding the cat, you're tempting your husband to get it from somewhere else. If you aren't supposed to be doing the do before marriage, and only with your spouse in a marriage, you can't be on some, "I'm holding back" tip.

    I can't imagine being in this position of a woman repeatedly holding back because she doesn't feel like it, but if I were, I'd probably openly look at pron on my laptop and ma$turbate in the bed right next to her. And she better not say anything.

    1. I can get with this comment to a point.

      Now, neither myself or my "Bible Thumping Friends" can deny what the good book says.

      HOWEVER, don't treat me like crap and hide behind the word. If a man is gonna stand on this word, be better be standing on the parts that tell him what a husband is and what a husband should be doing. If my husband ain't abiding by those instructions, then, he can forget pulling this card.


    2. Hugh, can I just say that I not only expected this very post (at least the first paragraph) from you, but have been waiting for it? lol, Not that I'm calling you predictable. That's partially why I didn't get into the Christian aspect of it.

      And I'm glad you are taking issue with repeated holding back as opposed to the act of refusal, period. I knew you wouldn't fall in that category, but some men like to lord that passage over women's heads everytime someone says something about having a reason for declining sex. Mind you, the spouse doing so usually conveniently ignores other passages that are calling him out for neglecting his own share of marital duties.

    3. cynicaloptimist81: "HOWEVER, don’t treat me like crap and hide behind the word. If a man is gonna stand on this word, be better be standing on the parts that tell him what a husband is and what a husband should be doing. If my husband ain’t abiding by those instructions, then, he can forget pulling this card."

      People do like selectively choosing. Men have to be very careful at pulling the Bible card on their wife, because a man has the greater responsibility. That can easily backfire.

      Naija: "And I’m glad you are taking issue with repeated holding back as opposed to the act of refusal, period. I knew you wouldn’t fall in that category, but some men like to lord that passage over women’s heads everytime someone says something about having a reason for declining sex."

      Yes, I definitely put the "repeated" disclaimer there. Once every now and then is one thing, but married folk can't just go on $ex strikes. When you're married, there are a lot of things you're going to have to do even though you don't feel like it. The "I'm not in the mood" excuse ain't gonna cut it for too long.

  34. I am not married yet but I know myself and I am probably category 3 all day! Not saying I would withhold the goodies just because…but I do believe that when we get down is my domain. I control the goodies not you.

    Sometimes I may hold out b/c I just don't feel like it… I am one of those people that goes hot and cold. We can get it in every day, multiple times a day, for a month and then the next month I may just be chilling and not want to do it at all. And I do this in my relationships now, so I can't imagine that jumping the broom is going to change it. Also, if you are my husband, you should be able to understand that I don't feel like it and not take it as some personal attack on you.

    That being said, I don't think I have ever held out b/c of anger or trying to use it against my dude. It has always just been like oh snap I got super busy and I just realized I ain't gave him none in a month. Also, if my husband got angry about it I'd probably feel some kind of way. Hopefully it won't be an issue because if I ever get married my guy will know BEFORE he jumps that broom that I am a category 3 LOL.

    1. InsomniaPoet: "Hopefully it won’t be an issue because if I ever get married my guy will know BEFORE he jumps that broom that I am a category 3 LOL."

      Well, I guess if you tell him beforehand, he can't be mad. But with most guys, this abdication of your marital duty would be a serious issue.

      1. yea well most guys should value my honesty more…b/c most guys will end up married to that chick who flips the script the day AFTER the wedding LOL…at least with me you won't be surprised. Also, it isn't that I said he can't ever get it. I just acknowledge I am category 3 b/c I control if/when he gets it. I also said there will be stints where he gets it all day every day…so idk.

    2. While I am not a fan of Category 3 in the least, I will say that at least you're honest up front. It's a whole other thing to start in Category 1 (or pretend – you know how women do), THEN once I put a ring on it you slip-and-slide on down to Category 3, which was your true disposition the whole time. THAT would be an issue.

      I think the common theme here is to know thy self and your partner before you jump the broom. This is, of course, not limited to s*x drive.

      1. "I think the common theme here is to know thy self and your partner before you jump the broom. This is, of course, not limited to s*x drive."


      2. "It’s a whole other thing to start in Category 1 (or pretend – you know how women do), THEN once I put a ring on it you slip-and-slide on down to Category 3,"

        Busted out laughing at this sentence because this is on point right here. It happens ALOT and OFTEN in marriages, that's why men tend to say things like " You wanna have no sex life — get married"

    3. Its not that I don't smell you…its just that you smell kinda funky.

      Sure you may not be in the mood, but is it really love to get mad at somebody for being mad? People get tight. What? You want him to be happy that he isn't getting any? You said no, he chirps his teeth or mumbles under his breathe. Move on. You sound like you would get madder at his chirping his teeth than he would at your ccokblock.

      We aren't perfect, we know our flaws. Our lovers should be asked to ignore them though.

  35. Unpopular opinion but I'm not married and I know I'm gonna be a category 2. Maybe my libido is low or maybe the libido of the dudes I date is crazy high, but I turn down the dudes for sex even now. As far as I know I don't believe it puts a strain on our relationship… The guy is dating me for more than just my sex. Also I am one of those girls who makes a guy wait for awhile to getthe goodies (while I vet them). The good thing about that is that it gives you time to build a connection outside of sex.

    That being said, I would never make my husband wait for months, that's cruel. If it was getting to that point, I would seek counseling. I will also say, while I don't believe in denying a man sex in order to get something out of him, I am fine with giving a man xes to get what I want. Kind of like a reward system I guess. Before you call me a hoe, I will say only have DES within the confines of a relationship and my numbers are VERY LOW. Also, I truly believe that you women who are above using xes as a bargaining tool are really missing out.

  36. I honestly can say where I would fall when I got married. I do know in a relationship and in love with my man I didn't deny him. I loved s*ex with him so I didn't fall in to any of the categories. It just couldn't be the first 2 days of cat 1. (I'm being tmi honest) But I am not delusional to believe that marriage wouldn't change the dynamic of a relationship so I really just don't know.

  37. You know who used to deny her husband s*s on a regular basis? Lorena Bobbit. And guess what happened? Her husband kept pushing the issue until his d*ck ended up being a bratwurst for raccoons. Smh… look at dude now, he kept asking his wife for s*x and she went and drugged him, he woke up, thought his wife was washing the dishes and it wasn't no dishes in that sink, it was his d*ck. All that to say, if you think your wife is the type who won't be giving it up and you're going to try and take it anyway, you'll lose your d*ck.

  38. I think we have to be realistic in terms of everyday life. There are times when I'm not in the mood. I mean I will still be a soldier and handle business, but there are times when you just wake up and you don't got it. That normal.

    To withhold sx for personal reasons, as a device against another, or just because, especially when you are married is foul to say the least. I just couldnt get with that.

    I think a majority of the women here are like 65-35 #1s and #2s. I dont think anyone is a 100% Category 1

    1. The thing about that, though, is that you can't never say no only sometimes. Yeah, I know that reads weird. An exception was already made for Aunty Flo', but if any other reason comes into play, then they necessarily fall into the second category.

  39. Why would you ever deny your husband the right of having $ex with his wife? Your husband?! His wife?! That's ludacris and ludicrous. Absolutely ridiculous.

    When I'm married, the only time I wont have $ex with my husband is during the first 2 days of Aunt Flo's visit. And even during those days, I can remind him what this mouth do…

    Its kinda craay. There are women who will do all kinds of $exual things with their boyfriend/fiance, any time he wants it, anywhere. Then, they get married and decide that marriage isn't the place for $ex swings and stripper poles. GTFOH! If you believe God created $ex for marriage, then you should be christening every room in your house ever week with your husband. The Lord will approve. Its your HUSBAND!!!

  40. I think some of y'all (not all of y'all per se) are gonna get the shock of your lives once you're married and the honeymoon is over, LOL…

    Even if you've shacked-up, marriage is some next-level stuff. It's NOT the same. What you did with your ex-boo and before "W" day won't matter.

    Some of y'all would be doing yourselves a favor by saying, "I don't know how I'll be when I get married" or "I'd hope that once I'm married…"….cause, quite frankly, you don't know what you're actually gonna do until you've been in one. Some of you are dag near setting yourselves up to be severely disappointed.

    Trust and believe, what I thought I'd do when i got married and what actually happened were two different things once LIFE got real.

    And ain't a thing ever been wrong with my drive…and I love chex. But, sometimes, when life takes the drivers seat, none of that matters.

    Reality bites…

      1. I hope that you choose the right person to wife so that you'll never have to experience how right I am, lol.

        They say marriage is what you make it…but you can't make a crab cake with shrimp, lol. You gotta have the right ingredients to start with…or the right alternative ingredients to at least make it taste like something decent, lol.

        Plus, you'd be surprised at how next-level stress will affect a man's drive…even for an extended amount of time. Holla at a brotha dealing with foreclosure or something deep like that to see what I mean.

        Life happens, man…

        1. Agreed … Stress does a number on a man's drive … I handle stress extremely well. I've always been an even-tempered, optimistic person, so generally that doesn't affect me. Hopefully, I'll be able to say the same about my (eventual) wife. I don't do well with moody women, so more than not she'll be more so along the same lines as me in that respect.

          I'll say this tho, Living Life >>>>> Worrying About Life, despite life happening.

        2. I'm not moody at all (unless I'm hungry, lol)…but my naturally optimistic self has been thru a couple things…so, I'm a bit of a cynic now (hence the name)…and I'm proactive instead of approaching life like X, Y, or Z could never happen to me. But, I hear you…and I hope things work out that way for you.

          You get daps for that last line though…very true.

          And thank you for changing that avi, OMG, lol…this is 1000 times better, lol…

      1. Exactly!! I would like to say I'm number one but once I get married, unless I'm at home just scratching and sniffing chances are life will/can get in the way.

  41. Sometimes I don't feel like f*cking so I don't f*ck. If she don't feel like f*cking, then we don't f*ck. I expect it'll be the same during marriage, but what do I know. All I know is that when I gotta start rubbing one out in the shower because I know she won't even orally extract my ambrosia of life, the relationship is probably on life support.

  42. I have never been 'MARRIED'; I do LTRs- last one: 9 years.

    I am in Category #1. We had 'THE TALK' at the beginning of the relationship: things we 'vowed' to each other.

    As far as xes went, my only rules were: if I'm asleep, no Back Door, and don't leave me in the wet spot. We have a ritual set: he knows to come strapped (no wet spot). He whispers my name in my ear (so I know it's him & don't start swinging), and gives me a squeeze. Now I'm half-awake, and pliable. He'll move me into position, do his thing, and put me back: 10-15 mins tops (he just wants to bust one off- not have a WHOLE sexsion. He knows if he WAKES ME ALL THE WAY UP, he'll have to put me back down. lol).

    If I'm awake: it's on & popping. Granted, he didn't ask EVERY night (4-5 days a week on avg). So I didn't have a need to say no. Maybe if it was evry day, and for 45-60 mins each time, after working all day, dealing with children (I have none, since I'm not married), maybe I might not be in the mood or too tired. But he's doing his part also, so he'd prolly be tired also.

    For all the things he do for me, it would be selfish on my part to 'deny' him. The way I look at it: if he was hungry (horny), and I didn't want to feed (sex) him, he would be on his own. He COULD fix something (master his bation) himself. But I can't get mad if he decided to go out for a meal (cheat). Especially if I'm not sick- he did ask me first. "I just don't want to play with you today. Oh, but you can't go play with anyone else. Too bad- so sad". WTF?

    Because we respect each other, he doesn't treat me like a sex slave (and I don't treat him like a hired-hand).

    But that's how I roll.

  43. Speaking from the perspective of a married man, I will tell you that my wife and i fall into category 1. with occassional "baby im tired, can we rain check in the morning". I would also say that in the last four years (been married for 7) my wife and i had 3 children, and that changed the dynamic of our sex life tremendously. I heard one commenter say that 6 months was his cut off date before he would get some axx outside his marriage. Well my wife and I have gone 8 months without sex simply because hormonally she was all over the place. And most married men can attest to the fact that pregnancy can make sex greater or have you in a drought. I didnt have my needs contracted out, or see a reason to have my needs serviced somewhere else with someone else, because i have to much invested in my wife. I knew that after the birth of our third child our sex life would be taken off pause. And eureka!!! i was right!! I do have a full time nanny and a house keeper because all i want my wife to be is my wife and a mother to my children….in that order. Gentlemen if you want a wife who wants to fux you all the time, here is my advice: Make sex worth her time and energy…trust even if she is tired she will muster up some enrgy if you are worth her time. And #2 make life easy for both of you and make your home a place you both love to be. Then great sex will flow like a open bar!

    1. Thanks for the "married man" prospective. It's also good to hear yall are still getting it in after 3 kids and 7 years. Gives hopes to the rest of us when you are mainly flooded with BAD news about marriage.


    2. Love this. This is also part of the reason I want to be well-off in the future, so that we can afford ourselves certain luxuries. It has never crossed my mind to have a full-time nanny, though. Hmm.

    3. "Gentlemen if you want a wife who wants to fux you all the time, here is my advice: Make sex worth her time and energy…trust even if she is tired she will muster up some enrgy if you are worth her time. And #2 make life easy for both of you and make your home a place you both love to be. Then great sex will flow like a open bar!"

      Teach the brothas, my brotha. Yes, YES!!!

      * adds 'man must be willing to hire a full-time nanny and a housekeeper' to my 'what would make me get married again' list * LOL…j/k

    4. You sir, are a winner. I've been married 11 years, and I promise nothing makes me h0e out for my man like some neatly folded laundry! Lord have mercy, him mopping the floor turns me on.

  44. Long ago when I was in high school my guidance counselor told me that every woman in some shape or fashion has been "raped" because even when you're married, you have sex when you don't feel like it to please him, your husband. (Yeah we were oddly close). Anywho. Sure, it's hyperbole but it always stayed with me and I think there's some truth in it – women buck up, suck it up, and give it up when they are tired, to keep the peace, because they're "supposed' to…

    That said, yes #1 is the ideal scenario but when you throw in the reality of work, kids, aging parents, death, grief, work, bills, the tedium of being with someone, weight gain (although I know y'alls wives won't gain no weight – heh), illness, menopause (mama has told me some stories!), can't get it up as fast as he used to or at all, and so many other variables – ain't no telling what could happen – so that foundation better be skrong!

  45. The truth is, there's a lot of lying here, not by some of the posters of course, but by SOME of these married people. The truth is, they're pulling stunts they never would have tried as a single person. Some of these people had the same bills, the same familial issues, kids, stressors, and life in general to maintain before they got married, and they had time and energy to get down in the bedroom with their significant other. There's no way they would've tried the "I'm just not in the mood, I'm too tired, I got a headache" crap as just a dating option because for some, that would have been the kiss of death. The same ones who tell a guy/boyfriend/husband "What you won't do, someone else will" isn't ready to have that same concept applied to them. The truth is, some were doing their best Karrine Steffans impression and acted like it was an honor to do so before the ring turn into a nun afterwards? I thought the vow of chastity was to precede marriage, not follow it.

  46. IMHO, women should hold back on sex for one reason-she has a "beat-it-up" type of guy. If you're married to a guy who just checks to see if its wet enough to pound, then deny away. If you're married to a guy who's decent to skilled at foreplay, give the poor bastard a chance to see if his non-penile skills are enough to make you forget about junior's bad grades or your boss's cleavage-devouring eyes. There's no point in claiming that you want a sensitive/"conscious" guy, then going into coochie lockdown because a slight glance at darling hubby (who's more of a Uncle Phil than Idris Robs) doesn't cause you to splash waterfalls. Give us "Naw I ain't about that 500 sit-up a day"-shit thinkin brothas a chance to prove our skills.

  47. Kinda late to the party and first time commenting but what about when the situation is reversed where he's doing the denying?? Yup real life occurrence….

  48. Unfortunately, a lot of women like to pull the ol' bait and switch. They're a nympho for you during courtship but turn into a nun as soon as the rings come on. In a lot of situation she puts up all kinds mental blocks and makes it into a bigger issue than it is, making it a "hostage negotiation" situation to meet the vajayjay.


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