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Things You Should Know and People You Should Meet

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A lot of chicks ask me where the good men looking for good women are. Even as a member of the League of Extraordinary Negroes (Someone out there is salty about the use of the word “negro” while someone else is saying “Slim ain’t ish”), I can’t provide ALL the answers. But I can provide a few. And 2 of the places I enthusiastically suggest people go if they’d like to meet folks of similar interests are panel discussions and forums. You’ll find a bunch of people that are passionate about the topic or focus of the event. You’ll find that they typically have their lives together and are active on some level in their communities. They probably have good credit scores. If they don’t, then more than likely they’re working to make them better. Actually, they just wanna be better in general.

This past weekend I had the chance to live-tweet the Straight Talk, No Chaser panel discussion put on by Together Apart. There were literally 100 women in that room and 7 dudes on the panel…then the host, a couple male staff, and me on the keyboard going hard in the tweets. Every woman I spoke to after the event was about something. Every (literally) single dude in that room was about something. Of course the ratios were all messed up, but that’s no surprise. Keep hope alive. More on this event in a future post.

A few weeks prior, I had the chance to attend Human Intonation’s Protection Is The New Black. Sir Streetz was on the panel speaking truths and ish. If you’ve been around SBM for a while, you’ve seen me discuss the events and know that the organization is big on promoting HIV Awareness and dialogue between the sexes on the issues of condom usage and sexual health. If you didn’t know, now you know *n-word redacted for warm and fuzzy purposes*. And like every other event put on by Human Intonation, I walked away with some thoughts and perspectives that I wanted to bring on over to SBM nation.

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Movies are more responsible for lack of condom usage than rap music. 

Women love movies that depict love, men speaking poetically about why the chick is special, candles, R&B, and sex. You ever notice the steamy scenes in movies never involve condoms? It usually goes a little something like this:

  • Man and woman look each other in the eyes.
  • Man passionately kisses chick and lifts her in the air and lays her on bed or puts her on countertop.
  • Man takes off shirt and happens to be more physically fit than 80% of dudes out there.
  • Man takes off woman’s clothes.
  • Man submerges self in her warm abyss.
  • Woman is shown riding piece or dude is on top slow-stroking for glory.
  • Man and woman are shown in bed afterward or woman is making coffee wearing man’s shirt.

Where’s the safety in that?  If these movies gonna keep making these scenes, they need to start showing a condom wrapper or something. Because right now it seems like dude is just skeetin’ all up in there with no regard for future life or disease. Dreams should include protection even though mine don’t but this isn’t about me. At least rappers talk about Magnums. Speaking of which, have any of you tried the ice cream?

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Sexuality is glamorized for women. 

This comment came from the audience and kinda relates to the previous. What I’ve noticed over the last few years has been a big push to redefine female sexuality and where the control lies. “It’s your body, so do what you want without regrets” has led some folks off the deep end. With all the tv shows, blogs, and celebrities in the media for their sexcapades, it seems like the cost of doing it has been diminished in women’s minds. And since most folks aren’t thinking about HIV when they’re about to get thronxy, the cost of not using condoms has been decreased as long as she’s on birth control.


People are still scared to talk about HIV in general.

This came from one of the panelists. It’s also apparent in the audience that shows up. Most of the people that come through for these panels are relatively well-versed in the topic and confident in speaking about how it affects their decision-making and communication in relationships. It also takes a lot to fill the room. If I tell folks to come through for a panel on ways to make his or her toes do the roll-up, the room would be packed to capacity.

If I tell folks to come through for a panel on ways to discuss HIV testing and awareness with a partner, you get the usual suspects and a few empty seats with pamphlets on them. My thing is how do we get rid of this fear? How do we get the people that need to hear the info to these events without lying to them about the topic? I opened this post the way I did for a reason.

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People are scared to ask their partners about the last time they’ve been tested or getting tested in the current because they aren’t equipped to handle the pushback. Pause. 

This also came from the panel. Again, this is a reason folks need to make it out to these types of events.

A lot of times doctors won’t give results if HIV test is negative. We need to be asking for those results and the printouts. 

I got my papers. Do you have yours?

Knowing your status is winning. An HIV test is one you can’t fail. 

I didn’t make this up, but I thought it was a cool wrap-up to the post. Do you see what I did there?

As Verneda, founder of Human Intonation, asked during the event, at what point do people stop taking the chance and gambling with their lives?

I’m not sure that’s a question many of us can honestly answer. What about you? Any thoughts or ideas from the tidbits above? How do you think we can realistically move these conversations forward? Have you attended events similar to this in your area? Do they have them at all? Do share. It makes the world a better place.

I like it medium rare but only in my dreams,

 

Comment(90)

  1. Former certified HIV Counselor/Screener here. Much props for doing this post. HIV is real, especially out here in Oakland, and out there in DC.

    I used to go to HIV screening events all the time. You would be surprised the types of folks I would encounter that would have unprotected sex. Talking about being safe with your partner seems to be the hardest thing in the world to do..but then I tell them, it's not harder than actually living with HIV.

    In any case. I do need to go to more forums and events. They don't seem to have as many relationship forums in Oakland as you seem to go to, Slim. I wish they would. I would probably meet someone there and have great conversations.. or something like that. …safe ones at least. 😉

  2. Real Talk, I am still trying to figure out how to stay childless… I never give STIs much thought…

    When I do, genital warts & Herpes come to mind… Simpy because those can be caught WITH a condom…

    Esoterically speaking, being that my people reading skills are not Super Saiyan yet… I just have to trust my instincts on certain women… and of course s.permicide & condoms are the wave…

    As dangerous as STIs are… I don't allow it to dominate my thoughts…

    I kinda feel bad that don't make my presence felt as these events <DEL> not really tho </DEL>, you have dedicated readers at SBM massive who die to go to these events & here I am close to home…

    We'll Get There In A Minute…

    P.S. And of course women have to raise their standards in men <DEL> not jsut when you are 30+ & desperate </DEL> & demand they use condoms

    1. I like your P.S. statement there lol. Women raising standards and checking what they want before they're old and that clock starts ticking lol.

      Too bad it won't happen and the cycle of females dating losers and ending up with kids from them or being "damaged goods" then looking for a sap to settle down with them anyways shall go on for ages lol.

      1. LOL…

        Shaming with the right intentions, Can keep a society intact… But to keep it 100%

        – I do it for sick pleasure (as a former beta for not being picked)

        – I do because I feel aeful for the 30+ cougars who HAVE little chance of finding a decent guy to commit…

        – I do it cause I hope some alpha woman will take it & run, & police other women and I can sitmyazzdown…

        The more & more I study women, the I realize you have to save women from themselves… <DEL> But no captain save-a-hoe tho </DEL>… And I realize that us men have failed to do so…

        I will continue to chuckle as the women struggle…

        Oh, and welcome to SBM Massive Johnson & Johnson

        1. Very true. I've learned that many females live in an imaginary protective bubble lol. So I do tell them the truth about themselves and laugh in my head as they grow old thinking life will never change…and then it hits them that they're old, lonely, and chances of finding a husband is diminishing lol.

          And being the beta when I was younger and now being the man females want to marry, I see tons of older women that want to trap me for themselves (some with kids, some without and their clock is ticking).

          And thank you.

    2. "As dangerous as STIs are… I don’t allow it to dominate my thoughts…"

      +1

      And I'm sure quite a few commenters share your sentiments on this as well, whether or not they vocalize it here today… Now with that being said that doesn't mean I don't try and take the necessary precautionary steps to prevent such things, it's just NOT MY MAIN FOCUS…

      1. @GirlSixx

        I am more interested in pleasing the woman in front that is in front of me (Foreplay, Teasing 10+ more orgasms for her)

        My instincts should have already told me when I met her that she my be dirty… And I should have acted accordingly…

  3. Well for the younger generation it starts with telling your children/young teens and adults the real deal about sex, because if you don’t the outside world will. My mother keep it 100 with me from the first day I had my period about sex, babies and aids. My mother in a way basically told me my (vagina/body) is my responsibility and when something happens (STD/AIDS/Baby) that it will be on me and change my life .

    Sexuality is glamorized for women.

    If anything in the last 10 years sex hasn’t been as glamorized for women as it once was on a romantic level. If anything I think the rawness, the one night stands, orgies , “doing me “ attitude is what is becoming a problem because that lifestyle doesn’t promote protection either .

    A lot of women do not know their own self worth. We are so busy worrying about a man controlling our body and getting ours that we don’t realize when we let every Tom Dick and harry run up in us with no condom that we are risking and physical and mental health. We also have glamorized sex without condoms. Even on this blog I've seen ppl talk about how good raw (pu$$y) feels and how a condom don’t feel the same, I've also seen the double standard about how it's not cool for a women to carry condoms (which I think is stupid). We also become a little to open in relationships in regards to letting our boyfriends (not husbands) not use condoms when we are having sex especially when you haven’t been tested together as a couple.

    As grown up’s we will sit and talk to complete strangers about how we like to get our (private parts) licked, spanked and rubbed but can’t talk about our sexually history with our partners. Women sometimes put the responsibility of bringing condoms or bringing the (STD/HIV) talk on Men. Or when they do bring the conversation up they except a simple no I don’t have anything and I’ve been tested before (not knowing how long “before” was).

    I think people are scared to talk about HIV because it brings consequence to an action that is supposed to be fun. It’s like jumping on the bed, it’s fun if you do it and don’t get caught or hurt but if you do them you have to face the consequences and no one is ready for that. The easiest way to solve this is to start with yourself, make sure you are taking the first step, going to get tested every six months, bringing condoms with you (male or female) when you are about to do the do. If you are living by those standards you will have no problem letting your sex/relationship partner know thta you take your sexual health seriously.

  4. I agree with a lot of things that were said in this post. To cut down writing paragraphs, I'll bullet them.

    *Female sexuality has been revamped over the last 5+ years. Nowadays, you meet way more females that are with the idea of "It's my body, screw the double standard, I'm doing me" or the "Free spirited" females. Makes finding a female for casual sex easier, but makes finding a wife with a low body count harder.

    *I've been tested and make sure a female I will be in a relationship with gets tested. Birth control or not. But a lot of the videos you see online or talking to friends…you hear about guys going in chics with no condom and no papers smh. Idiots.

    *I never thought about the movie point. But its very valid. It might be something that small, but years and years of seeing something, it seeps into our minds.

  5. SERIOUSLY, who the heck are these people that are scared to ask their partner about getting tested or when did they last test??? #nosarcasm. And wtf are they afraid of?? I don't understand the fear. Someone please explain!!

    If you're afraid to ask such a necessary question, then your ass is not adult enough to have sex… period! If you ask men these questions, 9 times out of 10 they will freely answer and go together with you to get tested. And some will even view you more positively since you take your sexual health seriously. How do I know this? B/c this is what I've encountered so far in my dating life. As a germaphobe, lol, haven't slept w/ every guy I've talked to or dated, but when they've brought up the topic of sex, I let them know right then IF and when things get serious, we would have to go and get tested together b/c 1- I'm a germaphobe, 2- I will not be a statistic and 3- I need to be mentally free to do what I do if and when I do it 😉

    After explaining my sexual health policy, they're on board. Ladies, if dude asks if you don't trust them or feels like you're implying that they're are dirty, just say "it's not about you… Regarding my health, I don't trust anyone but myself". If he says oh, I've been tested already, you say "I wasn't there, therefore those results are invalid". (Anyone can say they've been tested before and anyone can type up fake results, which the news has reported that it's been done before ). Now, if dude says he's not doing it… don't walk, don't run… JET SKI your ass out of there!! Why? B/c he's either hiding his incurable STI from you or he's afraid to find out whether or not he's clean (no bueno to both and a BIG red flag to watch out for).

    That was long. Hope y'all took some notes, lol. Overall, don't don't be stupid, get tested… Class dismissed!

    1. @Ms. Lisa

      I think it is faintly similar to me getting a paternity test on one of my children , it makes things awkward, but it NEEDS to be done…

      But some men, because they are afraid of the backlash, want to keep the room cool…

  6. i never really thought about the sex and movies thing. i'm trying to think of the last movie where condoms were involved. the first time big mike had sex in the wood? it has to be one more recent than that.

    i don't know how people can go without knowing their status. being that i attend a health professional school, HIV testing is given out all the time. i make sure i take full advantage. i usually get tested at least once in between my year physical exam.

    good post.

    1. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing and "The Wood" came to mind along with "Booty Call"…well, "Super Bad" had some condom usage, spermicide lube, the works, lol!

      1. There was House Party 1 when Kid wouldn't get it in cuz he didnt have a condom, though they focused more on pregnancy being the reason and not disease (which watching it now i dont see why they couldnt slip that in it WAS 1990 when it was becoming more prevalent) oh and 40 year old virgin

  7. Speaking of which, have any of you tried the ice cream?

    I have tried the ice cream. It's delicious and somewhat messy but given it's name, it's size is disappointing.

    1. Nope … had the opportunity at the zoo yesterday, but i can't get around the idea of putting a Magnum in my mouth .. Sorry, just can't do it.

      1. @Top, I was wondering how many dudes would end up trying it. I thought the name would be too much of a turn off for guys.

  8. Knowing is Beautiful.

    I'm actually getting tested this Thursday for the free, so that i don't know how much it costs or it costs too much excuse is tired. It's as simple as Googling "Free HIV testing [insert city here]".

    I'll admit that i'm not as smart in the realm of condom use as other SBM participants are (Over the weekend my guy transposed a picture of Eazy E's face over my body…SMFH), but despite the mental struggle, it's always on my mind and i'm constantly trying to get better at Pause/Breaking the initial love making and getting a condom. Although after retrieving the condom, i've been reset back to factory *Cue oral re-stimulation please, pleaseeeeeeee*. Nonetheless, relying on your internal intuition on whether or not he/she's safe is a failed thought-process.

    1. Mr Fire and Ice!!!!!!!!

      Your honesty is refreshing!

      "Nonetheless, relying on your internal intuition on whether or not he/she’s safe is a failed thought-process." ALL OF THIS!

      1. Lol Mhmmmmm and Thanks … Establishing truths to oneself should be more widely practiced. When people don't want to tell personal truths they take a more objective, general stance on topics, which isn't saying to much aside from preaching to the choir.

  9. Great post Slim!

    I think people are saying outta sight outta mind with the test result situation. It's a mood killer and a heavy topic that most just don't want to talk about. I think ignorance really is bliss in this case.

    I was talking to a girl, that went home with a dude from the club (she got pregnant by him and don't even know his name) I was like, girl, that is CRAZY. I am sorry but weren't you worried about anything, like this or getting a disease? That phone conversation ended quickly to say the least.

    People don't like talking about the risky choices they knowingly make. Until….it's too late. That is why this man in VA is up for charges because he slept with a 14 year old girl knowing he had HIV. And the girl's family said they don't want to test her….wow!

    1. I hope CPS or the courts sets in and make sure that girl is tested for her own health and so she can get the proper medical acre if she does have something. They also need to know so she wont pass it on to other people, hopefully she wont knowingly pass it on like that man did to her.

      1. I don't understand how her being tested is even a choice. For public safety, she should be definitely tested. She is 14! How many people will she sleep with in her lifetime while not knowing? Maybe that was his sick plot. Not too mention, how many OTHER little girls and women has he had se.x with.

        For her and the family to turn a blind eye to her being tested is SICK. While his picture was plastered all on the news, no one knows what that 14 yo girl looks like.

    2. I was talking to a girl, that went home with a dude from the club (she got pregnant by him and don’t even know his name) *Blink Blink*

      People are still having one night stands in 2011? o___o

      1. personally, one night stands arent my thing, i'm not gonna waste good _____. but i think women have become more open to it, like J.A. said earlier, women are more like "eff the double standard, i'ma do me" so they dont look at ONS as trashy they look at it as they wanted it they went out and got it

      2. @GirlSixx

        Hooking up is in FULL STEAM, and as the next generation gets older… It is only going to intensify…

        The societal mechanisms to keep that kind of behavior in check are all but gone…

        So, we are gonna see more s*x tapes, more crazy stories, and alot of germs is going to get passed…

        Because the kind of men that women are willing to sleep with QUICKLY are not the kind of men who have their best interests at heart… #TeamPumpNDump

  10. Honestly, if you’re having sex in this day and age asking someone status should be one of the first questions on the list. People don’t want to face the fact that there are many consequences that come behind sex especially unprotected. It confuses me that people are more worried about getting pregnant, with a child that you only financially take care of for 21 yrs or (if not able to can abort or put up for adoption) than HIV a virus that will be with you for life, a virus that can not only kill you but kill your partner or that you can give your child through birth. If anything I think condoms are cheaper and have less health side effects than BC on a woman. We live in a very backwards society, we will talk about what are favorite sexually position is with complete strangers but won’t talk about our status with a partner. Also people are very passive when this topic is brought up in serious or just sexually relationships. We either ask our partner the question once and assume that if they were tested once and negative then their safe. We don’t ask when was the date or time frame of their last test and what they were exactly tested for ( Just hiv , HIV, herpes, HPV, STI’s).

    As far as movies and music playing a role at one point in rap let’s say earlier 2000’s talks about using condoms had increased, there were many references made to using magnums and gold rappers. Movies not so much.

    One way you could move this conversation forward is simply by bringing it up more often. I trust you do a lot of relationship seminars were question on sex are asked (That are not about HIV). Even if no one asks you about HIV or how to ask your partner their status you should just bring it up on your own, or make sure you take at least 5-10 min in each seminar to bring up the fact that condoms are available and HIV is real, maybe you should hand the out at the seminar as a souvenir along with a catchy memo or something.

    1. "We live in a very backwards society, we will talk about what are favorite sexual position is with complete strangers but won’t talk about our status with a partner."

      Dope quote that sheds light on a reality.

      1. oh wow, Kema, we should do lunch, I live in Richmond.

        Yeah, you know I have been hearing syphilis and Chlamydia are on the rise here too. I was like…whoa people are just being downright careless.

        1. Chesterfield county has been in the news A LOT for the past 6 months. First, for the teen killed and then more senseless acts, and now the 14 yro. Tragic.

        2. Yeah, I live near the richmond city/chesterfield border line aka off JD Hwy. A meetup sound like a plan to me!

  11. I don't know about anyone else but getting tested for every and anything then getting the results back as negative is one of THE best feelings in the world. I have a folder with all of my records and I have no problem sharing that info. I understand how people can be scared to ask the "when was the last time you got tested?" question but you just have to suck it up and ask it.

  12. I’m not sure that’s a question many of us can honestly answer. What about you? Any thoughts or ideas from the tidbits above? How do you think we can realistically move these conversations forward? Have you attended events similar to this in your area? Do they have them at all? Do share. It makes the world a better place.

    I've witnessed more panels for natural hair discussions than HIV/AIDS in Richmond, VA.= The only time I'm fully aware of a panel discussion about HIV/AIDS is during the month dedicated to the disease. I think more panel discussions will help bring the conversation to the fore front but if people choose to only discuss the acts of sex (likes & dislikes) & not the protection needed during then it's null/void.

    If a panel discussion is done which age group will it be targeted for? I talk to my younger cousins about sex & protection often. Their teenagers but they too can get pregnant and can get infected as well. In the school system sex ed is taught on what not to do. Which I think leads to issue(s) we have now. If it were approached in the manner of: A-If you were to become sexually active here's what MAY happen (i.e pregnancy and/or std's, HIV/aids B-if you are currently sexually active here's variations of protection/birth control for all sexual acts. My cousins currently in HS agreed with me on this. If we could talk as loose about our last test results as we do our fave positions, then we'd get closer to the goal at hand.

    Here's my POV on it in short….

    If you can't not discuss the cause & effect of sex. Then, go back the schoolyard. If you're ashamed to buy protection for all sexual doings. Go in time-the-f*ck-out & have a seat til you're ready to be cautious about your health status. If you don't hint at getting tested or even ask who/'what/whenthen you need to go to Yankee stadium & have several seats. Capiche? GOOD! 😀

  13. Thanks for this post Slim – its timeless and the reminder is constantly needed!

    Although I am currently abstaining I still get tested for everything during my annual gyn visits and like Telly said there is nothing like hearing ALL NEGATIVE.

    "Movies are more responsible for lack of condom usage than rap music". – Its funny I was having a conversation with some of my girls this weekend about shower sex and I had to go off on one of my girls because she's in a very new relationship. The movies make it the most sensual type of love making EVER! But no one is using a condom in the shower (tell me I'm wrong???)

  14. HIV is a really touchy subject, it's just too real. i feel like i hear about it everyday whether i'm conversing w. someone, whether i see a commercial, or i hear the word, it makes me cringe each time, the last time i got tested was 5mths ago so i'm up to get tested soon, and i'm scared as sh*t, it seem like there's not good time to hear the results, i just have to do it, and pray for the best. and knowing is definitely better, it relieves anxiety.

  15. "you already know what times it is, reach up in the dresser where the condoms is" (see Chris Brown isnt THAT evil Fox News)

    Like one of the previous comments stated, when people think unprotected sex they think babies and completely oblivious to HIV and other STIs. Theres ways around pregnancy, theres no contraceptive for disease. No matter how honest or real your mate comes off as, you don't know where they been or where the person they been with been.

  16. I agree with pretty much all that's said here. A few months removed from crossing, I had a conversation with a bunch of the old heads and they were talking about numbers and such. Basically someone said, if you have sex with over 100 women, it's virtually impossible that you haven't slept with someone who had an STD, that's why you have to just get checked regularly. In my head, I was like that's all well and good and sh*t, but um… "you dudes are conceding to catching something and then getting tested and treated?!" Not me. After that, I was a lot more careful than I had ever been. I'm always sexually exclusive and i'm really open about that. I just don't like surprises. And usually when i'm with someone, i'm with them for a long time, it's not some willy nilly actions. That's what gets me is that usually when people are like, "I get tested every 6 months and I have my results." I'm like, but wait… how many partners are you having? Like you need to chill all the way out. I doubt I have ever had more than one or two partners in a year … recently. So now, it's all part of my uncomfortable conversation with my doctor during my annual. And since I keep my focus on quality and not quantity. Most of my discussion with my doctor is about diseases that I have a higher probability for like heart disease and diabetes. I don't live recklessly, so i'm not sweating bullets over a STD test.

    1. "I don’t live recklessly, so i’m not sweating bullets over a STD test."

      Right, lol. And if you are sweating bullets, it's time to pump the breaks.

  17. Excellent post. Hopefully people are taking in all that was said here & are going to take action. Yes, sexuality is glamorized for women, even young girls. It seems all the young girls I work with are over-sexed. I try to inform them and I am constantly preaching, but it's like they just don't get it.

    Of all the guys I dated only 1 wanted to share status information and I had no problem doing that, I did not feel offended and it actually felt liberating. Even after, we still continued to practice safe sex. From that point on, I began to initiate the conversation with guys I've dated.

  18. Oh I forgot to mention this but… i've always been on the fence about being tested together or sharing the actual paper results. I just feel like why do people have s*x with people they don't trust? And you know I asked a close friend who was a doctor this one time, if she thought that was invasive and she agreed. If you don't believe someone when they say they've been tested and they were clean; you probably shouldn't be having sex with them. I think that before you put your body out there, you should at least have trust.

    1. I dont think it's invasive, I think some ppl are actually scared to go get tested alone, so if you go together you act as a support system for your partner. Sometimes I like seeing the paper to see exactly what you were tested for, the date.

      You never know how someone will react if their postive with anything they might be in disbeliefe and not tell you they have something even if its something as small as crabs (i refers to crabs as a small issue b/c u can get rid of it)

      1. Yeah ok if someone is scared to go alone, then that's one thing.

        But if you are afraid they have something and don't want to tell you, then that's what you call distrust.

      2. I agree, I think it shows a lack of trust if I HAVE to show you my papers, it makes me think you've been lied to before and you have had something or you still have it ..idk my mind wonders. If you can't take my word for it, or if I feel like I can't take yours then there is a problem. Yes someone can seem trustworthy yet still be lying but thats what condoms are for and thats why you don't have sex in the complete dark so you can see if there are any strange bumps or warts growing….

    2. Sorry, but I can't agree. Just because someone seems nice and pleasant doesn't mean they're automatically clean. If they genuinely are so health conscious they won't be offended that you asked for them to verify.

      1. I see what Dr. J is talking about… but the other side of it is, if you don't feel comfortable enough having this discussion with them, you probably shouldn't be sleeping with them. People cheat and people lie, ESPECIALLY in regards to this issue. I was talking to my pastor and he says the first thing he does when he in pre-marital counseling is ask for both parties to get an HIV test… you'd be surprised at some of the results.

    3. Listen, besides those who were infected via IV drug abuse, vertical transmission via mother-to-child, blood transfusions or accidental needle stick, I'm sure >90% of those infected with HIV (not even counting other STI's) had sexual intercourse with someone they were confident didn't have it (and half the time, the infector didn't know it as well.) Captain Obvious, right?

      This is what makes your claim that you should only sleep with people you trust a moot point. Anybody, whether SO, spouse, random stranger, co-worker, FWB, or God forbid sexual attacker, is capable of infecting or being infected.

      Therefore, it is a HUGE risk every single time you have sex with someone, even in an exclusive relationship. This can't be stressed enough. So, rather endure the 5 minutes of discomfort for your own health. One night of passion is NEVER worth it, and sometimes denying your sexual hunger even when condoms are available is also wise.

      First, for the practice of denial, which is healthy. Second, genital STI's are not the only means of being infected. Herpes is most common STI ever (after Chlamydia) and that ish stays with you FOREVER. When your immune system is on the up and up, it stays dorment!! However, you can still shed. Therefore, oral sexing someone with genital herpes will land you with Herpes-2 in your mouth (Herpes-2 was a genital Herpes subtype, however, due to oral sex, it also ends up in the mouth). So, those blisters that you see in the mouth during Winter?? … Ya.

      Anyway, like a commenter said above, the germaphobe in me just cannot!! Everyone is "dirty" even if proven otherwise. Meaning, I don't care if your papers said negative after being tested yesterday and I don't care if i'm on birth control…no way no how will my down there skin touch your down there skin raw…EVER! After you got tested yesterday, you could've gotten infected later that night. NO ONE IS SAFE! I've heard far too many stories and seen far too many cases, and being a med student, I have seen the WORST pics and studied the worst effects of such things….that still gives me chills and goosebumps now.

      1. If you want to see pics, or come with me on medical missions, oh, i'll show you pics that is even too raw for google. This ish is real!! I can't reiterate enough, that one night of passion is NEVER worth it, therefore, I have no sympathy for ignorance.

        I only have sympathy for those were contracted various diseases if they were raped, via accidental needle stick (healthcare workers) or the poor babies, via vertical transmission.

  19. I don't think you need some major setup for this conversation. Once its obvious that chex will be going down in the near future, rip the bandaid right off that joint…"have you been tested for STDs recently…since your last partner?"…then let their answers determine your next move. Being chexually exclusive is the best way to roll if you're rolling…and getting tested once a rela is over is a must. So, moving forward, you know you're good…and if you get something, you know who gave it to you so you can drop-kick that fool.

    A potential BF doesn't have to tell me his chexual history, but, now, he does have to tell me that the results are favorable…though I am a bit leary of men with a super-high body count…cause I'd prefer to date men who use discretion.

    Being tested is personal and I always go alone.

  20. Okay, so my biggest problem with these responses is that people seem to think "exclusivity" and "test results" resolve the issue. Please look at the numbers. PLENTY of people get HIV while in committed relationships. Also, being lulled into a false sense of security based on a piece of paper is silly. Yes, you can show me a test result, but if you unsafely smashed a dirter the night you took the test I am STILL at RISK!

    I know it's inconvenient but you HAVE to wrap it up every time. Now I am not gonna act like I have never been less than safe but it was a decision I regretted from the minute we were done until I got both sets of results back. (Don't forget the initial test can say negative and then 6mos later you can be positive) You cannot be sure what ANY person does when they aren't with you. So you have to protect yourself the only way you can…WRAP IT UP!

    I tend to be very trusting in my relationships. I don't question my dude(s) about where he has been or who he has been doing. Part of this is because I know that at some point you have to trust and have faith that the person is doing right, but the bigger part of this is because I know I am not going to just put myself out there either. No matter where he has been, or what he has been doing, when we do it the condoms MUST be involved.

    HIV hits very close to home for me. I have lost 2 very close family members to its complications and I have a 3rd who is currently kicking HIV's a$$! Now for my fam they were unfortunate victims of the drug epidemic and dirty needles but how you get it doesn't really matter. All that matters is that it can/will KILL you. I can love and trust you all day, but not with my life. When I get in a car I don’t wear a seatbelt based on who is driving…I wear it every time just in case. Condoms are the same way. It isn’t because I think you are dirty, it’s because I’d rather be safe than sorry.

    1. I agree but at the same time, how are any babies gonna come into the world if we wrap it up ALL the time. I mean, I am married, and I DO trust my husband. I also got married not to use those things or to have to worry about those talks either.

      Magic Johnson's wife, how did she get off clean? Does God protect those that are doing his will? Hmmmmmm. I have not heard much about married people and HIV/AID rates. I see there is alot of research in Africa about married couples (but I think thats genocide anyway, but what do I know) I guess that's where my ignorance is bliss comes in at.

      See what all this casual sex has done to us…can't trust ANYTHING man….damn!

      1. "can’t trust ANYTHING man….damn!" LOL

        I was gonna say something similiar, BB…the only sure way to be 100% safe is to not have chex. I'm NOT gonna even elude to the idea that Imma use condoms every time I have chex till the day I die. BF's lie, husbands lie, GF's lie, wives lie, yes…and condoms DO & WILL BREAK (sometimes you can tell right away, and sometimes you can't). I will not be wearing condoms EVER when I'm married! WILL NOT! I almost got an attitude typing that last "will not"…cause I'm so serious! If I ever feel the need to wear a condom with my husband than we got a bigger problem on our hands…like an impending divorce in the near future, lol… You can't raw dog'it when you're married now??? What's this life thing all about????

        1. I wasn't really talking about a marriage situation. I am nowhere near marriage so…

          My sister who is married says she still requires her husband to wrap it up. She has two children and she said they were tested together prior to trying for the kids. Once she was knocked, he started wrapping up again. I don't know how much of that I believe. But that's her story and she has been sticking to it! LOL

          I guess when you watch family members die from a disease it changes how you feel about it. I have watched people die from cancer so I won't smoke cigarettes. I have watched people die from HIV/AIDS, so I will wrap it up every time down. If you wanna take the risk, good luck with that….

        2. I feel you and I feel for you and your fam…I do…. I've had two relatives die from the HIV/AIDS complications (big age difference…we weren't close). But, I watched closer relatives deal with this pain…and baby-sat my deceased relatives' son years ago. I know it's tough. Hang in there…

          But wrapping it up is a risk, too…cause condoms fail sometimes. The only way to not take a risk, is to not have chex at all. Condoms are a HUGE help…but they are not fail-proof. Not saying that they don't need to be used, they do, but they shouldn't give folks a false sense of 100% security either…

      2. "Magic Johnson’s wife, how did she get off clean?"

        I'm still baffled about this til this very day. *shrug*

        God works in mysterious ways though.

        1. Actually, the nerd in me says that…it is very likely that she didn't have the receptor that HIV has to bind to in order to invade the immune system cells, replicate and get to work. This receptor is called CCR5, which HIV uses to attack the host's T helper cells (CD4 cells). So, the people with this mutation, which results in this receptor being missing, are in fact IMMUNE to HIV!!

          One copy of this mutation occurs in about 1% of pop (mainly Caucasians).

          Two copies occur in about 20% of the population. But caution still needs to be heeded by those ppl, b/c mutant and rare forms of HIV can use other means to enter the cell.

    2. 100% agree sti's like hpv that can lie dorment in men but still be transferred to their partner. You cant even test certain hpv grades in men unless they show outward sympthoms. So even if you get tested before you have sex the first time 6 months later something can show up.

  21. I always wondered if the stigma of asking for STI status traces to the taboo of se.x in society.

    If I as a guy asked the question, I'm assuming that we are going to have s.ex, and she can be turned off by it because of my 'one-sided' mind. A prospective woman may hesistate to ask, because she doesn't want to come off as easy, or let me know that she's thinking about chexing me and keep up the "chase".

    1. Well DeKeLa,

      This is why I advise against playing those hard to get games. Most women and men know when/if they are going to sleep with someone. Why not have the condom/status talk out of the way?

      Like those commercials on Centric, although I advise against asking when they are sitting on your bed…lol.

  22. "The only thing I like Raw is my music!"

    Never been a big fan of goin Kojak in women. I know dudes who will make love without a glove for no reason. IDK. I always sweat bullets because im paranoid about my health. My chest hurts i htink im having a heart attack. I start itchin in my sweet spot, and I run to the doctor like "She got me doc! AWWW GINA!!" lollol. My doctor told me I was paranoid. I was rollin.

    I've never had a doctor fear though. Rather know where you stand then fall flat on your face feel me.

    Reminds me at the end of the month I have to get my physical. Want to make sure my cholesterol and sugar level are still above average, and that no random shyt is floating in my blood. Like Jaxson said, I'm not wreckless so I don't have much to fear. The only fear is that nothin is 100% guaranteed, and the wrath of the Undertaker.

  23. "There were literally 100 women in that room and 7 dudes on the panel…then the host, a couple male staff, and me on the keyboard going hard in the tweets. "

    Waitaminute….wasn't this past Saturday's event just for the females? i'm just saying..not gonna be a lotta males for the females to meet…lololol

  24. For me, it was a matter of the depth of my relationships. I love myself and my partners. I want to be healthy and I want the same for them. I had to get over my fear that they would react badly and decide that either way, we had to talk about it if we would remain intimate.

    We're adults. We get all in each other's business about who we're texting and why so-and-so is calling you but won't get all into sexual health like that.

  25. I fear STDs. My mother is a health professional and fwds me articles all the time on stats on STDs and young people. I personally rather not have sex than be worried later about what that person had. I feel totally comfortable asking someone about their STD status before we get into it. I know that if I don't and I contract something, I will have no one to blame but myself, because I knew what I needed to do to protect myself and I didn't do it. I failed myself.

    And on top of that, HPV and herpes which can't be prevented with condoms is another concern. And Herpes 1 can become Herpes 2 and vice versa depending on what part of your body comes in contact with it.

    1. I totally agree with you!

      One thing though, Herpes 1 doesn't become Herpes 2 or vice versa. However, this is what happens. Herpes-1 was traditionally oral herpes, while Herpes-2 was genital Herpes. However, if someone performs oral sex on someone with genital Herpes-2, they then contract genital Herpes orally. Conversely, if someone with actively shedding, oral Herpes-1 performs oral sex, they can give that person oral Herpes on their genitals. So, they basically just switch around, not transform.

      And yes, HPV's can only be prevented with the vaccine…but condoms do greatly reduce the chances of contracting it via vaginal, oral or anal sex. Cervical cancer is no joke (PAP smears are a must), but genital warts (also caused by HPV) is what's more commonly seen. At least 50% of sexually active people get HPV in their lives, it's so common. Fortunately, most HPV infections are self-limiting, and not cancerous, depending on the subtype.

  26. Ya know…I've read each of these comments, and I can't say I believe half of you. I don't believe this many of you require "papers" from your partner, or ask to get tested "together". Ideally, that's the right way to do things, but let's be realistic…most people DO NOT DO THAT! Most men don't even initiate condom use! I'm usually the one who says "wait…where's the condom?", or "no, u need to put a condom on", or "I don't do raw sex". I for damn sure have NEVER been on the verge of hot and heaviness, and a man stop me to say, "wait…let's go get tested tomorrow together, and not do this tonight"….IDK…it sounds like everyone is just typing what they're supposed to say, and not what's really going on. *shurgs*

      1. I concur…I'm just saying…given the number of different commentors, the likelihood that this many people are doing everything right is very slim…much slimmer than these comments depict.

  27. I am not sure if this was written so apologize for the repost. I think something else that plays into the uneasiness of the topic, particularly in regards to condom use, is the drama that occurs if two people decide to go raw and then one person suggest wearing a condom again. Once that suggestion of wearing a condom is made, then the argument can easily go into "why do we need to wear a condom, you must be cheating"

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