Home Featured The Hyphen Issue – Should She Change Her Last Name?

The Hyphen Issue – Should She Change Her Last Name?

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Recently, I was perusing Twitter, and the usual antics were on display. My timeline is pretty diverse, so different conversations will occur and I will be entertained and intellectually stimulated. One conversation that I saw was posted by the homie @itsMarisaRoss. She posed the following question:

Fellas, if you get married, and your wife doesn’t want to take your last name (or hyphens it), would you be mad?

I saw a lot of commentary from men and women on the issue, and I chimed in quickly, but figured I’d speak on the issue with the SBMassive! Here is my stance on the issue.

I never really felt the hyphenated names. I understand the concept of women carrying their father’s last name with them. I understand that women mostly just took a man’s last name just because and never really had a choice, and now they want to exercise their right. I feel that with marriage, there are certain aspects that should be kept “old school” and taking a mans last name as your own is only right.

I remember asking my mother why she kept my father’s last name even after they divorced. She would tell me “Its MY name, I earned it!” I thought that was SO real! It was interesting that she equated possession of his last name to a sense of entitlement and accomplishment. It is in a sense though. Let’s be real, the pursuit of marriage has long been more desired on women’s side than men. Men usually see it as “the final frontier’ and a loss of self. Like they are dying to be reborn and leaving their old selves. No more reindeer games, because now you have to be serious and start this family. Women are the ones who dream of this day, plan this day from a young age, and look towards M-Day as the culmination of a loving relationship. So acquiring that last name, like the ring, is the women’s equivalent of an XBox “Call me MRS Wifey” achievement being unlocked. So why would you want to bastardized your married name with that hyphen of your old name? My mom is also Caribbean, so you know we have 50-11 names. Mail comes to the house and we can literally have 4 different letters with 4 different names for her, smh. You would think the fed’s listening…n*gga what last name?

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When I get married, I want to proudly present my wife and say “This is my wife, Mrs Metta World Streetz”. I don’t want to drop a hyphen on that sh*t! Maybe that’s me being a traditionalist, but that’s how I feel. Being part of the working world, I understand the need to keep maiden names. It can be a pain to legally change your name on all of your documents, and change your Outlook and all pertinent information. I also agree that a woman’s identity and name are her own. So if she hyphenated her own name, I wouldn’t be too upset. I don’t think I’d be upset at all really.

My one area for concern is children. I do NOT want my children with hyphenated names. It causes crazy confusion for all parties involved. I remember a dude in my dorm who had a hyphenated last name. I would ask him his name, and he’d skip the hyphen sometimes, and add it with others. I asked him why, and he just *insert shrug text art* and said it depends on how he feels. I’m big on names, especially my own, and respect for names. That couldn’t be me, and I don’t want that for my kids.

Women get the joy/blessing of carrying a child 9 months, and some feel it’s their right to be able to name the child with no input also. I can agree to an extent ( a small extent), but damn can a dude get his FULL last name in there at least? How many of these illegitimate kids running around with their dads last name and no hyphens, yet in a married relationship you want them to hyphen? Chill. I think that’s too much. Let them have their dad’s last name. They still carry the lineage on, and hell if I have daughters I would have to cope with that reality too. Your name still lives on with your progeny, regardless.

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Also, don’t be completely adverse to taking your husbands last name. I saw some woman on Twitter say she would NEVER take her husbands last name, and if he didn’t like that too bad. I can already tell she will be forever single with a sign over her coochie that reads “Winter Is Coming”. Don’t be her. Have an open mind, and at least hyphenate.

Women, rock out with the hyphen. If that’s the biggest issue you have with your relationship, you are lucky. Just let the kids rock with the full name.I think that’s a happy medium.

 

 

 

P.S. If you follow us on Twitter, you may already know. But if not, Single Black Male won the Best Blog Design and Best Blog Post Series categories at the 2011 Black Weblog Awards. Thanks to everybody for their support in helping us bring home a couple trophies. Special thanks to Lianne Farbes for the site redesign. We sure as hell couldn’t have done that ish ourselves.

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Comment(303)

  1. Maybe its just me but if his last name doesn't complement my first name, then I don't want it…I know thats shallow but if u got to live with it u may as well want it to sound right

      1. LOL – I know right? I don't agree with this, but y'all gone fry her to the point her comment is out of commission. It's rough in these e-streets.

        For real though – if she met her dream man…honest, caring, money right, bed game tight…I'd put one month's mortgage that her name would change to Mrs. Franklinfartburger so fast your head would spin.

        1. "For real though – if she met her dream man…honest, caring, money right, bed game tight…I’d put one month’s mortgage that her name would change to Mrs. Franklinfartburger so fast your head would spin."

          Exxxxacctlyyyyyy!!!!! Stopit.

          lolllll

        2. @NinaFontaine

          LOL

          but I can't take credit for that. That was Teflon Mom's doing.

        3. "I’d put one month’s mortgage that her name would change to Mrs. Franklinfartburger so fast your head would spin." – Lmao! *doubles over*

    1. lol I understand what your saying. But when your with your husband even if his last name does'nt flow with your first name love will make that last name fit your first name like a puzzle piece just right.

      (But if it kills you that much then throw the dash right in there, just make sure ppl refer to you as Mrs. ____husbands last name so he want feel no type of way)

    2. I'm shocked by the number of likes just off the mere fact of his name not vibing with yours. SMDH. That's some rationale for you. Ya women kill me sometimes.

  2. Men have to sacrifice so much & take a tremendous risk going into marriage…

    If she is b*tching & moaning about a last name… She has shown her hand… RUN!

    Marriage should be taken seriously, any hiccup on either side means call it off (cheating is still okay on the male's part…)

    Congratulations Again Guys, hard work & passion pays off…

    1. I am going to Co-sign this comment.

      People spending 5 figures on rings….. B!tch better change her name.

  3. The thought did cross my mind at one point since my dad is an only child and doesn't have any sons, so his last name won't live on after his daughters are married. I'm pretty traditional though so I will take my husband's last name when that day comes. Plus my last name isn't the type that is likely to sound too nice when hyphenated with anything else.

    1. *long time lurker finally coming out of hiding*

      i was always confused by the whole "name living on" notion. if your last name is smith, i'm pretty sure there's no risk of the name dying. same goes for the williams, jones, and jacksons of the world. in my eyes the only way a name "lives on" is if the child (i wont say it has to be a male/female thing. different strokes and what not) is a junior. thats the only name legacy i could see. #awesomeshrug

      *back to the shadows*

      1. Imagine if Joe Kennedy had all girls. All of the family success remained the same, but instead of Joe Jr, John, Rob and Ed he had Janice, Jessica, Rachel and Eleanor – in addition to all the other girls he had. Joe would still be the proud father of some really awesome and successful women, but he'd probably die knowing that once all of his children are gone, his Kennedy's will be gone too. Kennedy is a relatively common name, but so there are other Kennedy's on Earth sure… but those Kennedy's, the ones that come from Joe Sr… they'd be all gone.

        I realize for some people, that's no big deal. But if you view yourself as the type of man in the mold of a Joe Kennedy, or a Vito Corleone or someone like that… you want your name and blood to continue on together… well into the future.

        If I had 6 girls, I'd keep going till I got a boy… or two…

        1. *Taps Most on shoulder*

          Playa, you might want to check with Mrs. Most on that one. Do you know the lady who wheeled me up to Labor and Delivery asked me when we were going to try for the boy? She almost got slapped.

        2. Also co-sign Most…

          Having a heterosexual boy is a priority in my household. Adoption is an option though.

        3. I need at least boy to mold… I will go out on a limb to say that Most can push out a whole tribe out of Ms. most, and there will be little complaint…

        4. Shame on you Most. You've caused me to do a complete 180 after constantly nodding while reading your posts and comments. "but he’d probably die knowing that once all of his children are gone, his Kennedy’s will be gone too." I have to give this comment two thumbs down…way down! I know that with all my father has done for me, what he has taught me, and what he has done to lead our family, none of that will be taken away because I change my last name. In fact, my husband will be blessed by that very name.

          Nevertheless, I am taking his name. I agree with most of the comments, like Hugh's, stating the husband's role as head of the household (please note the importance of choosing the leader of your household wisely). I've worked for it and earned and he's worked for it and earned it.

          I have also read a lot of comments arguing that being a doctor is an exception. I am a future doctor and no, it will be his last name, no hyphens. I will have my maiden name shown parenthetically to give you enough time to note that wonderful change that has occurred, document it as necessary in the finite amount of time I give you, then that name is changing.

        5. most,

          i can see where u're coming from. in my mind, i'm well on my way to greatness. i definitely want a son to bear TheAwesome name. but i also would like a couple daughters. i plan to leave a legacy so solid though, no matter what happens to my girls and who they marry, people will always say "u know those are TheAwesome's girls right?" thats just the fairy tale in my head. we'll see how it pans out.

  4. I have thought about this a lot and I still haven't made up my mind on weather or not I will take my husbands last name. I love my last name, so I don't want to give it up. Also my father only has daughters so the name could die with us. I was thinking I would hyphenate my name. And our children will take my husbands last name and have my last name as thier middle name. At least that is what I am thinking for now. But I don't plan to have children for at least a few more years, I may just have to suck it up and lose my name if I truly believe it means more to my future husband than it does to me.

    1. my daddy had 4 daughters by 4 different women and he passed when I was 3. I'm the baby and the ONLY one of us who has his last name (Lowe). Right now, I'm considering hyphenating my last name but I'd also have to consult my future husband on how he feels about it. It would also depend on what his last name is, some names don't look/sound good hyphenated.

      I probably wouldn't hyphenate my children's last name though. they belong to their dad so they will have his last name. my mama's maiden name was Norris and she gave my brother her maiden name as his middle name (Denorris). that's a consideration as well

  5. So what if I wanted a hyphenated name when i marry the man of my dreams. Id be Mrs.smith-coleman. And our little girl would be little Angela Smith-Coleman and one day she would get married to Mr.Johnson but WAIT she wants to hyphenate also! Congratulations to Mr.Johnson and his beautiful bride Mrs. Smith-Coleman-johnson! <——— ridiculous. Anywho…… I'm dead against the hyphen. I mean having his name is part of the excitement! I can't count how many times me and my friends would scribble our first names with the current crushes last name all through our note books in school! And even though I'm not in high-school anymore i still plan on (and have) rocking the h3!! Out of his last name! But if u must hyphenate don't do it to the babies!

      1. Muse has a great relationship with #TheHispanics. She's always had a great relationship with #TheHispanics.

      2. lmao #TheHispanics?

        Latino countries have a very organized system of naming so yes most people have hyphenated names. You get each of your grandfather's names (which is a part of your parents hyphenated names) when you get married you can become "de" so and so

        1. I know ya didn't 🙂 Just a lil jokey joke. And damb, I just noticed I called you Muze…look at me *smh* Muze was prolly all, "How'd *I* get pulled up into this!?"

          I never got a chance to finish the comments or really comment, but FTR-cause I know everyone is just DYING to know – I'll happily take my husband's last name, no matter what it is. Maybe its due to the extra regularness of my last name and that I have brothers to "carry on the name" but I have no allegiance to my surname what so ever. I can't wait to be Mrs. AwIshHoneymoonTimeBishes!

          I do feel a great compulsion to give my husband sons, but I don't think it's a "name" thing per se, more of a "man" thing, I guess. Not that it matters…like I have any control over it.

        2. " And damb, I just noticed I called you Muze…look at me *smh* Muze was prolly all, “How’d *I* get pulled up into this!?”

          I'm happy you said that because I was trying to figure out why you said Muze?!?!? LMBO!

          That's ok though.

        3. I second everything here Star! I was thinking maybe b/c my last name is regular or maybe it's b/c I have a brother *shrugs* but I also cant wait to be:

          Mrs. YouCanLookAllYouWantButHesTAKENBishes !!

  6. If you have such respect for names how you gonna be mad at your wife for wanting to keep hers?

    Comparing kids with their daddies last name but no daddy in their life to children produced during a marriage with hyphenated names is apples to oranges (to me)

    Anywhoodle, I have contemplated hyphenating my last name if/when i get married. Especially if i marry someone from a different ethnicity. And if i hyphenate my last name then the kids are gonna have hyphenated last names too. Whats the point of going through the trouble of having your surname "continue on", if your gonna still have it end with you anyway?

    If my husband really has a problem with it then my child will be named "ikemefuna/afamefuna *insert my surname* *insert father's surname*" (which reminds me i need to find/create the female version of that name)

    1. Comparing kids with their daddies last name but no daddy in their life to children produced during a marriage with hyphenated names is apples to oranges (to me)

      How is this Apples and oranges to you? I mean on one end you're having a child with no commitement and no real "guarantee" that you both will be there to raise the child etc, and on the other hand you have marriage. You go to all the trouble to get married, and have children, and since you don't want the last name, the child shouldn't have it either? That doesn't seem fair to me for the man. To each their own though!

      1. Thats just the thing- folks keep equating hyphenated last name with not having the husband's last name at all. Hyphenated last name includes both family names. So how does me wanting to hyphenate my name and my kids name equal not wanting my husband's name? (It doesn't!) Hyphenating my name means i want your name, but i also wanna hang on to mine to. And for the record, none of this has anything to do with exercising rights or watever other stuff people are associating with it

        It would be a fair comparison to make if it were the case that Susie's out-of-wedlock baby had his father's last name and her matrimonial child only had her last name (which would be hella stupid, but i digress). But since thats not the case, the comparison really doesn't make sense to me.

        1. Lady Ngo: "So how does me wanting to hyphenate my name and my kids name equal not wanting my husband’s name?"

          Hyphenating your name is one thing; I don't agree, but I can at least partially (very partially) understand the argument of it flows better, my family has such rich heritage, I love my daddy sooooooooo much, etc.

          But hyphenating the kids' names? Let's say your daughter marries someone who also kept both names, and wants to keep both of her names. Then her daughter does the same. So your great granddaughter's last name ends up being Williams-Bryant-Johnson-Hibbert-Price-Johnson-Cunningham-Rush?

          Let's stop the madness.

        2. exactly. You're not rejecting your husbands name but adding to your own. Personally, I don't see it as perpetuating my fathers name either it's MY name and my identity. I have been melissa x for 30 years. If I get married, I'll be Melissa x-y until I feel comfortable with identifying myself as Melissa y. This has nothingto do with our union as a married couple or our union.

        3. @Hugh Jazz (ur name always makes me giggle)

          You are still not addressing the issue at hand. How does that equate to me not wanting my husbands name?

          As for the kids- thats their business and their choice if they want to keep their hyphenated last name, add on their husbands hyphenated name or just change their name altogether. I don't have any say or control over them wanting to keep, add to or change their name. So there is no madness to stop.

        4. I was specifically addressing the kids, but I didn't address the wife part.

          Hyphenating is basically telling a man you're not all in. There are several phrases that describe this: half-stepping, one foot in and one foot out, being lukewarm, etc. As a future husband and a pretty traditional guy, if you're my wife, I'm the head and the priest of my house. I take that duty and responsibility seriously. It is our family unit, and as the head of my house, I'm responsible for everyone under my roof. No outside influences determines what goes on in my house. Unless your pops is sending us checks on a regular basis (which he won’t be), he is not over my house. And everyone in my house will have my name.

          As Most stated, you left your family and joined mine. Your family is still there, but I'm the one responsible for your personal, physical, financial, romantic, spiritual and emotional security and well-being now. Keeping your name is holding onto the past, and I'm moving forward. To paraphrase Jesus in Luke 9:62, any woman trying to be my wife and looking back is not fit to be with me.

        5. Hyphenating is bastardization of the mans original name. Eff it im taking a stance. If you wanna remix ur personal name fine. Why do the kids have to have it. They are apart of your combined bloodline, but he is the head of the house (traditionally). Its a new family, why bring in old names?

  7. I am a pretty traditional girl when it comes to marriage and the customs associated with that. Like several other posters, my Father didn't have any biological sons, and I'm the youngest daughter, so I do feel some kind of way about being "the last" of my family. I also thought, when I was younger, that I would get married a lot younger, and therefore have no professional ties to my last name. Now hat I have begin to make a name for myself with my maiden name I am beginning to understand why some women keep their Daddy's last name, or choose to hyphenate.

    With that said, I would never hyphenate. It's just too confusing and MUCH too long to type. My man feels VERY strongly about It and has said publicly, "If you don't change your name when we get married…. I GUESS WE AIN'T MARRIED THEN!"

    With that said, I will happily be changing my name on every piece of official documentation I have, when the time comes.

    And my children's names have NEVER been in question. They will have one last name— MINE, which will also be their Father's last name.

  8. If I ever get married I will not change my name. I will NOT hyphenate. I'm keeping my name as is. This is not a big deal in my culture. My mother never changed her name; they've been married for 29 years this August. It is a non-issue.

    And the children just get their father's last name, because that is THEIR father, not mine. I've only ever known Hispanics to hyphenate… and when it comes to legal documents that crap is so annoying in the U.S.

    SN: It is hell to get your papers switched back to your maiden name after divorce. Then in your new marriage you still have mail coming in that ex husbands last name…

    1. Now that I think about it…I want my children to have my last name too!

      You have to understand where I come from and what my name means. Its a very important name.

  9. I wonder to all the women who are considering/pro-hyphenated names… Are you in a serious relationship? Have you ever spoke with your mate about this?

    To the married readers, did you opt for a hyphenated name?

    I can't see too many men buying into the idea of yourname-hisname.

    (not like your name is Rothschild, Rockefeller, or Kennedy)

        1. I don't like to dislike, because virtually all of it is hating (even me)

          So, when I give you a dislike, I am like an NBA player giving you a flagrant, & raising my hand to the ref… (Yea I did that…)

          That is way more than you stick & move negroes…

        2. LOL at Teflon. I deserved that. It's only fitting that you were the one to give me the dislike!

    1. My feeling on this varies depending on where I'm at in life. But I do know of married women who hyphenate or have yet to change their name and been married for years. Most just complained of the work it takes to change names. But the children have the father's name.

      And in some cases, those children who were born before marriage had the mother's name, then changed it after marriage.

    2. I've actually talked to my mister about this, and he actually expected me to hyphenate my name. He was pretty shocked to hear that, even though I see the benefit of doing so, I'm not tied to the idea. I just think for a woman who values the papers she's accumulated whether they're degrees, professional licenses, house deeds or hell even a business card, it can be tough to change the names on all those things. To a certain degree, no pun intended, it's as if that woman never existed. I know, for a lot of folks, it's just not that deep. But for some women that's how it feels. So, although I'm OVERJOYED to be his Mrs., I also want to maintain some tie to the things I accomplished on my own as just plain ole Miss (ooh, no rebels reference meant there). Hyphenation can be the happy medium between the two. That's my $0.02.

      1. Hi Nicatictic! Good comment. I thought what you said about women getting degrees, professional liscenses, etc was interesting. I think a lot of women think that just because they get married and change their name that they are changing who they are or their identity. You're STILL the same women who worked hard to get those degrees and whatever else professional accomplishments. That doesn't change just because you got married and changed your name.

        1. Thanks sis. I hear what you're saying… "a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." 🙂 Really believing what you're saying is just something that some of us have to work through. I did a spur-of-the-moment exercise about a week ago with my mister after he signed the dinner check and asked him to flip over his copy of the receipt and sign his first name, my last name… hehehehe. Let's just say he's SUPER patient with me now about this whole name change thing. And actually, I would offer that to all the men on this here blog who've commented emphatically that their lady ought to change her name. Try signing with her last name and see if your head don't spin a little at the awkwardness and foreverness of it. So yeah, be a bit more understanding. That's all I'm sayin.

        2. Nicatictic: "I would offer that to all the men on this here blog who’ve commented emphatically that their lady ought to change her name. Try signing with her last name and see if your head don’t spin a little at the awkwardness and foreverness of it. So yeah, be a bit more understanding. That’s all I’m sayin."

          Sure, I'll try it. Then we'll have another spur-of-the-moment exercise. In the middle of the night when we're sleeping and you hear some noise like someone is breaking in the house, you go check while I stay in the bed. When you see a shadowy figure in your living room, we'll see if you feel an emotion greater than awkwardness.

    3. I am in a serious relationship, and we have talked about it. He expected me to want to hyphenate my name and hes okay with that. The issue comes with the kids, he does not thier names hyphenated. Right now im thinking kids first name, my surname, his surname. I think thats a pretty good compromise.

    4. Interestingly enough….

      When my sister married her husband, they BOTH changed their last name. Like to a WHOLE other last name. What is even more crazy, he is the eldest male in a puerto rican family- which ended up causing issues from his family… one because lil sister was black And the name changing…

      Her rationale?

      Why do I have to change my name? Why cant you change your name too?

      Do I agree with her?

      UM. NO. I am a bit more traditional about this… I find it to be a bit dismissive of the family lineage, but I am only a big sister…

  10. The same day my future husband and I make the marriage official is the same day I'm changing my last name.

  11. My grandmother took my grandfathers name and even after they divorced, she passed with the name. My mother took my fathers name and even after they divorced, she passed with the name. So with me its means much more to me that my future wife and future children takes my name. Hyphens are a Hollywood trend, when you're name is part of your career its a much bigger deal than when you're a receptionist.

    1. "When you’re name is part of your career its a much bigger deal than when you’re a receptionist."

      Agreed!!

      I can understand Doctors and Lawyers, CEO, etc. (Bigwigs) wanting to hyphenate or even keep their maiden names for professional reasons, but girl if your working as a customer service rep for T-Mobile…. it ain't that serious.

  12. No hyphen. No exceptions. Will consider giving the kids their mother's maiden name as one of their middle names. But there shall be no hyphens, that's just tacky. It immediately speaks to a tug of war battle.

    One caveat: if I marry a Kennedy or a famous family in America. I may just let my kids have that last name. But that has to be Kennedy, Carnegie, Rockefeller or Obama status. It would be nonsensical not to give your children the benefits of that name.

    1. I agree. That hyphen thing is just so unecessarily complicated. A woman gets married, she takes her husband’s last name. Thats it.

  13. I have no problem taking my husband’s last name. The only reason I could see someone hyphenating their name is for legal reasons/credit, maybe you have something in your name that is going to be hard or take forever to change over. My mother’s name is hyphenated on some paper work but everyone refers to her by her father’s last name. If you are married to your child's father why not just give the child his/her fathers last name. I really don’t know what’s wrong with women now a day. No one is trying to belittle you or take away your power by changing your last name. I’m not giving my child too last names (especially if I’m married) to prove a point.

    (For the women who want no part of their husbands last name) Please stop with this I am women hear me roar bull. I swear I love being a woman but sometimes we focus on the wrong things in relationships, all the energy you put into fighting to keep our last name, we need to put into learning how to make a marriage work with our partner ( and vice versa for men)

    I know in Spanish countries people take both last names to trace family history, but I’m sure when people are talking to a married women they refer to her by her married last name.

  14. Well, I have 5 names at my last count and considering that I'm (half) Panamanian it's extremely likely that my children are going to have the same amount of names as me, give or take 1. Given all of that, can't say I'd really care if she hyphenated the names for herself.

    1. Super random, but I visited Panama last year. LOVED it! If my Spanish was a little better, I would consider moving there. Love the atmosphere, love the people, love the culture(s).

  15. my mother married my father. she changed her last name (she took her husband's name after she remarried). my grandmother took my grandfather's last name. i'm a traditionalist. i want my wife to have my last name. i would prefer she didn't. if she decides to hypen i wouldn't be too upset. if she kept her last name i might feel some type of way about that.

    my children will have my last name. there's no negotiating that one.

  16. I'm pretty sure this is a non-issue for me, but if I ever married I would definitely take my husband's name. I think that it's a small reward for the gigantic task he took on on when he decided to bind himself eternally to me. Max is a lot of work!

    Besides which, my last name is not one that lends itself well to hyphenating. I have a paternal auntie who married a man named "Dick" and hyphenated her name. If you know my surname you know that was not the move.

  17. lol My mother would probably try to get my Dad to disown me just so it wouldn't happen. Not that that would do anything or he would agree, but that woman simply won't have it. Between my religion and my culture, the expectation is that I will take on my husband's last name, and that it will be the one borne by our children. I'm all 'bout & for it.

    1. Oh, and lol @ "Winter is coming". When does Season 2 begin, anyway? I need to get my youngest bro into the show, so I'll eventually be watching Season 1 all over again.

  18. Speaking generally, I believe that when a man asks a woman to marry him he's asking her to leave her family and come start one with him. This is why, in most wedding, the groom comes down before the bride, then the bride's dad walks her down the aisle and gives her away. It's all symbolic of the fact that you're leaving your old family and starting one of your own. Part of that is leaving your old last name and taking on a new one. I think if you're going to buy into all of the traditionalism and symbolism of having a wedding, wearing wedding rings and all that other good stuff, a majorly important part of all that is changing your last name.

    Speaking personally, my wife has my last name. We talked about it before we got engaged and before I even knew I might wanna marry her because I always knew it was important to me. I made it clear to her that for me, it was important. No hyphens or anything like that. It was almost important enough to be a dealbreaker if she wasn't ok with it.

    For me, it was more symbolic than anything else. I don't have a lot of family. So, in getting married I was building my own family. Her having my last name was a big part of that. It's our thing. We own it. 40 or 50 years from now when we have all sorts of successful sons and daughters and grandchildren and all that, it will all have started with her and I deciding to be each others family.

    I think if you're considering doing a hyphenated name and you're a single person, you should talk about that pretty early on in your next serious relationship. He may have strong feelings about it and yall might wanna work that out before he gets on one knee.

    1. "Speaking generally, I believe that when a man asks a woman to marry him he’s asking her to leave her family and come start one with him. This is why, in most wedding, the groom comes down before the bride, then the bride’s dad walks her down the aisle and gives her away. It’s all symbolic of the fact that you’re leaving your old family and starting one of your own."

      Bingo!

      I will be taking my husbands last name. No question.

    2. co-sign x 100…..

      i especially agree with this:

      "I think if you’re going to buy into all of the traditionalism and symbolism of having a wedding, wearing wedding rings and all that other good stuff, a majorly important part of all that is changing your last name."

    3. My only question with that is if you are supposed to be leaving your family and starting a new one with your spouse why is the man keeping his name? Thats not new.

        1. People only have a problem with tradition when it doesn't fit them. If the tradition in question is getting on a knee and buying a ring or whatever…. people are all for it.

        2. @Cheekz Money says it so I don't have to…

          Women have to stop this "equality only when it is convenient for me swag"…

          It always comes to a point of contention when men actually exercise their freedoms & rights…

  19. I just had this debate on twitter the other day. I think a woman should take her husband last name. If my future wife tells me she wants to hyphen her name I am going to suggest she do what my mother did which is replace her middle name with her last name. This allows her to keep her identity and take my last name. It’s a win/win

  20. I honestly don't care.

    I will say I likely wouldn't be in a long term relationship with the type of woman that would make a big deal about keeping her maiden name or having a hyphenated last name. In most cases, that will be indicative of greater issues that I wouldn't feel like dealing with on the time line of forever.

  21. Most of us should not want any of the last names we have because truthfully, they aren't even ours…they belong to the slave masters…but I digress.

    In public I am the Mrs. Everyone knows me as the Mrs. However, on some paperwork I am still Ms. But most importantly in spirit I am the MRS.

    1. Most of us should not want any of the last names we have because truthfully, they aren’t even ours…they belong to the slave masters…but I digress.

      ^^

      This is an even bigger debate, but Im holding my "here we go" reaction because if that's the case, we should change every part of our name. I don't know man this is a bigger issue.

      Maybe Ill write on it. To Be Continued

      1. I knew a couple that both decided to change their names to start a new tradition. Both of their father's names was 'Edward' so their new last name became 'Edwards'. They were not black so it doesnt really go with the whole "they aren't our names" case. But I still think its an interesting concept.

  22. My bf and I had this conversation not too long ago. Even tho I already have 4 names (2 middle), right now I plan to hyphenate. It has nothing to do with family pride (I would gladly get rid of it). But because my daughter has my last name. So I kinda wanna keep it for the sake of matching her with me on paper. I wouldn't hyphenate my future kid tho (only want 1 more lol). They can have my husband's. But yea, I'd rock 5 names. But that's just how I feel right now. I may change my mind down the line. Either way, I will have my husband's name up in there. I won't keep mine solo dolo.

  23. Been peepin thru the bushes 4 a min…Just thought I'd say "hello every1" 🙂

    My mom did what KevLow would suggest his wife do ( mom didn't have a middle name anyways) should she desire to keep her last name. When that day arrives for me, I definitely plan to take on my husbands' name. Doesn't matter what it is. When the two of us become one, I plan to accept it all. In my opinion, there would be no need for me to keep my fathers' name because as I see it, I am still "me", however, my role in life will change and to change my name to his would signify that role change from single to married; from being totally independent to being a wife.

  24. I feel if a woman wants to keep her last name, then that's her choice. I also feel if she does that, she just forfeited any right to do anything traditional when it comes to the wedding/marriage. You can't say you want a ring that is worth three months of his salary, have some huge $30,000 wedding and reception, then turn around and say, "I'm going to keep my last name". Your future husband has every right to say, "nope, we're saving that money and going to the courthouse".

    People can do what they want, but personally, I take it as an insult. Taking my name tells me you're serious about your commitment of starting a family with me and respecting me as the head of the house. Not doing so sends a signal that you're ambivalent. It's a dealbreaker for me.

      1. Adonis, it's not even an issue to me in the slightest. A thumbs down without a rebuttal to what is said is a sign of someone who can't think, just provide a knee-jerk response.

        I'm here for discussion, not accumulating thumbs ups or trying to get my comments in yellow. And they can't respond to the substance of the comment. They're just saying, "what you said was so mean, you meanie, but since I can't prove you wrong, I'll just dislike your comment cuz u hurt my feewings."

        1. No, I hear you @Jazz…

          I go through it similarly (despite my a$sholish ways)

          Before I get into anything friendship or relationship… You HAVE to address the BS & al the serious issues before you get to the fun & romance…

          Women don't realize how they are kicking marriage in the teeth…

          As men we keep bringing up the legendary point about marriage the women have silently conceded to…

          What is in it for men…?

          And good discussion points …

    1. People can do what they want, but personally, I take it as an insult. Taking my name tells me you’re serious about your commitment of starting a family with me and respecting me as the head of the house. Not doing so sends a signal that you’re ambivalent. It’s a dealbreaker for me.

      And i suppose taking a vow to be yours forever before God, your family, friends, the state, etc is trumped because the woman wants to hyphenate her name. People clearly focus on the wrong isht.
      Im cool with that being a dealbreaker for you and im not tryin to change ur mind but yeah if u want us to provide logical arguments u need to provide one too

      1. Lady Ngo: "And i suppose taking a vow to be yours forever before God, your family, friends, the state, etc is trumped because the woman wants to hyphenate her name. People clearly focus on the wrong isht."

        And with a 50% divorce rate, I see how serious those vows before God, family, and everyone else were.

        "Im cool with that being a dealbreaker for you and im not tryin to change ur mind but yeah if u want us to provide logical arguments u need to provide one too

        LMAO! I DID lay out a very logical argument, one that NO ONE has yet to touch (although there were plenty of thumbs downs because they couldn't respond to the logic). Again, what is the justification for a woman demanding some traditional elements of marriage and not others? No one answered that.

        The only thing close to a response in this entire discussion was Tash somewhat posing the same argument in reverse, and her response wasn't even directed at my comments. The difference is her argument isn't exactly the same, because she's talking about tradition in things outside of marriage (except for married b/f 25, men being breadwinners, women being only homemakers). I guess I'll challenge you too to answer the question I posed that no one seems to want to answer.

        "why get married at all? You can have all the benefits of the marriage without actually doing getting married, you keep your last name, and he has no claim to make you change it. Problem solved."

        Now have at THAT logic!

        1. LMAO, if you are going into your marriage thinking about divorce rates then you shouldn't be thinking about marriage in the first place and you probably shouldn't be concerned about your wife having your last name since you seem to be of the mindset that she wont have it for long anyway. right.

          As for demanding some traditions and not others…lets not fake the funk as if men don't do the same. Nobody is 100% traditional about anything. Everyone has preferences. Whether its to hyphenate your name, how you want to discipline your children, or whether or not the wife should have a career or be happy home-maker. There's always going to be a time where one person's preference differs from their spouse. I don't understand why this is supposed to be any different. Add to that, thats what tradition for you isn't always going to be tradition for the next.

          And like i said to u previously- what exactly are these benefits that one gets without being married? I can't respond to that until i know what you're talking about. In the meantime i will say again for the millionth time- hyphenation = taking the man's name in addition to your own. No one is saying i don't want your name, just that i want mine too. Good Lord

        2. "LMAO, if you are going into your marriage thinking about divorce rates then you shouldn’t be thinking about marriage in the first place and you probably shouldn’t be concerned about your wife having your last name since you seem to be of the mindset that she wont have it for long anyway. right.

          *facepalm* Who said I'm thinking about the divorce rate in regard to me getting married and my wife having my name? You were the one that mentioned "People (not me) focus(ing) on the wrong isht". I'm talking about "people", not me.

          "As for demanding some traditions and not others…lets not fake the funk as if men don’t do the same. Nobody is 100% traditional about anything. Everyone has preferences. Whether its to hyphenate your name, how you want to discipline your children"

          Yes, but let's keep it real, women, especially on this site, are the ones always clamoring about traditions. We ask for one thing, and women are flipping out. What was that about compromise again?

          "And like i said to u previously- what exactly are these benefits that one gets without being married? I can’t respond to that until i know what you’re talking about."

          Monogamous relationship, co-habitation, shared finances and property, children, etc. In short, everything you get in a marriage, just without a ring on your finger and ceremony.

          In the meantime i will say again for the millionth time- hyphenation = taking the man’s name in addition to your own. No one is saying i don’t want your name, just that i want mine too. Good Lord

          Good Lord indeed. I'm one of the most intelligent, educated, and well-read posters here; I know what the definition of hyphenation is, I don't need your play-by-play. Now is hyphenating breaking with tradition or not? That's what we're discussing, not the definition of it.

        3. *facepalm* Who said I’m thinking about the divorce rate in regard to me getting married and my wife having my name? You were the one that mentioned “People (not me) focus(ing) on the wrong isht”. I’m talking about “people”, not me.

          Right you mentioned it because you weren't thinking about it. and my "you" was a "universal you"

          Yes, but let’s keep it real, women, especially on this site, are the ones always clamoring about traditions. We ask for one thing, and women are flipping out. What was that about compromise again?

          Right, well then i guess its a good thing im LadyNgo and not women on this site. As for compromise, if you read my original post (which you did because you commented on it) you will see that I said i was CONTEMPLATING it and that if i did decide to pursue this hyphen business and it were a deal breaker for my hubby, my kids would have their my surname mixed in with the other multitude of names that you receive being born into a Nigerian family.

          Monogamous relationship, co-habitation, shared finances and property, children, etc. In short, everything you get in a marriage, just without a ring on your finger and ceremony.

          If this were all you (universal you) were seeking from a marriage, then i agree, you don't have to get married. Which is why people who are only seeking this (and have the sense not to waste money on the elaborate ceremony) tend to be those who shack up for the rest of their lives. If thats what works for you, go for it.

          Good Lord indeed. I’m one of the most intelligent, educated, and well-read posters here; I know what the definition of hyphenation is, I don’t need your play-by-play. Now is hyphenating breaking with tradition or not? That’s what we’re discussing, not the definition of it.

          (-__-)

        4. *facepalm* Who said I’m thinking about the divorce rate in regard to me getting married and my wife having my name? You were the one that mentioned “People (not me) focus(ing) on the wrong isht”. I’m talking about “people”, not me.

          Right you mentioned it because you weren’t thinking about it. and my “you” was a “universal you”

          Perhaps this is my fault because I wasn't more specific. You mentioned vows, I'm pointing out talk is cheap. Saying something doesn't necessarily mean anything, a man can come home late and say he wasn't cheating while the c00chie residue isn't even dry on him. I'm saying vows have been broken repeatedly, not that I'm reticent to get married. Since it's been pointed out changing your name back in divorce is such a hassle, taking a name change is more of an action item than just taking a vow. Men gives vows too.

          "Yes, but let’s keep it real, women, especially on this site, are the ones always clamoring about traditions. We ask for one thing, and women are flipping out. What was that about compromise again?

          Right, well then i guess its a good thing im LadyNgo and not women on this site. As for compromise, if you read my original post (which you did because you commented on it) you will see that I said i was CONTEMPLATING it and that if i did decide to pursue this hyphen business and it were a deal breaker for my hubby, my kids would have their my surname mixed in with the other multitude of names that you receive being born into a Nigerian family."

          I also mentioned I'd be cool with a maiden name being moved to a middle name in my response to Keona (see? Compromise!). Overall, my comments weren't specific to Nigerian traditions, but the common tradition in the US of the wife taking her husband's last name.

          Monogamous relationship, co-habitation, shared finances and property, children, etc. In short, everything you get in a marriage, just without a ring on your finger and ceremony.

          If this were all you (universal you) were seeking from a marriage, then i agree, you don’t have to get married. Which is why people who are only seeking this (and have the sense not to waste money on the elaborate ceremony) tend to be those who shack up for the rest of their lives. If thats what works for you, go for it."

          So no woman has ever pressured a man to get married even though they live together?

  25. Though I'm nowhere near to marriage, I've had this conto a few times recently. I might hyphenate my name. For a few reasons:
    – My last name is short (one syllable) so i think it could go with any other name.
    – I don't know who I'm marrying but if history is any indication, it will probably be someone of different ethnicity than mine. Im Asian and I haven't dated many Asian dudes for no other reason than I just haven't. So part of me feels like that's a way of preserving my asianness (pls dont tell me to just marry an Asian if I want that). I kinda think of it like that Seinfeld ep when the group was meeting Donna Chang and expected an Asian lady but got a white lady. I don't want to be Melissa smith and ppl be surprised when an Asian woman walks up.
    – I've had this name for 31 years. It's who I am. To completely throw that away in one day would feel weird to me.

    I don't think I'd hyphenate my kids names and I might even drop the hypen once kids arise. I want to have the same last name as my kids. Although the last time I had this discussion the topic of divorce came up which I think supports the hyphen option.

    I do think it's the women's prerogative and I dont see it as a slight against the man at all. It's not like I'm asking him to change his name too. Although I do know a man who took his wife's last name….another topic for another day?

    1. "Although I do know a man who took his wife’s last name….another topic for another day?"

      No Country for this Tomfoolery. No Dayum Country…

      1. I know a guy who did just this, his wife didn't want to take his last name because it was some funny ugly type name so she made him take hers and he did. He gets no respect in that household.

        I can't get down with this.

        1. This dude did it because he had a horrible abusive relationship with his father and the name alone brought bad connotations. He decided to take his wife's name to start fresh and shed the negativity that plagued him his whole life. Does this make a difference? If men are insisting that their wives give up their last name completely and not even compromise on a hypen, can I still judge this guy when his reason is far more weighty than just tradition?

        2. "This dude did it because he had a horrible abusive relationship with his father and the name alone brought bad connotations. He decided to take his wife’s name to start fresh and shed the negativity that plagued him his whole life."

          That's Deep!!

    2. 1. You made a hell of a counter-argument to what I wrote above… Seal Of Approval… And I co-sign…

      I was just thinking about that man who took his wife's last name

      My opinion… He is a b*tch*ss*****, who will be getting divorce & maybe cuckolded in a few years…

      Also, no self-respecting man is going to put up with a wife like that… Only simps can handle that kind of swag

      Women say they want a guy as weak as him, but that is not the case in real-world relationships…

  26. Yeah, I'm not gonna be the first person in my family to have a wife that hyphenated her name. Just not gonna happen. This is one part of tradition that I don't plan to break away from. There are a million other ways to be independent. The one exception is if she's a star of some sort. Then I can get with it…and be a stay at home dad and blog monster. Though I guess I'd be blogging about kids and ish.

  27. If she wants to keep her name she can stay single.

    It's so ironic what traditions women want to practice and discard…..aka they want to keep traditions that's to their benefit, and discard those that aren't.

    She want's to keep her name……but wants you to buy her an engagement ring

    She want's to keep her name……but still wears a white dress….and isn't a virgin

    She want's to keep her name……but wants you to be the provider and protector

    I'm willing to provide and protect my family even if it takes my life, but I'm only willing to die for Mrs. Rick…….not Mrs. Rick-MaidenName.

    The name issue is just a sign that women don't really want to be married or be a Wife, they just want the wedding.

    The ONLY consideration is if you're a Doctor, your name is your business, or you have no male siblings……and even then you'd have to move it to your middle name. My wife WILL be Mrs. Rick.

    I bet this doesn't come up when they have the "Why aren't black women married" convo. Too many are trying to have their cake and eat it too.

    1. ( ._.)

      "It’s so ironic what traditions women want to practice and discard…..aka they want to keep traditions that’s to their benefit, and discard those that aren’t.

      She want’s to keep her name……but wants you to buy her an engagement ring

      She want’s to keep her name……but still wears a white dress….and isn’t a virgin

      She want’s to keep her name……but wants you to be the provider and protector"

  28. The fact is, when I get married, I will have the attitude that's MY husband. Perhaps I have too much attitude, but the world is going to know I belong to him as he belongs to me. My having his last name is incredibly symbolic– it says I'm under his protection (mess me with me if you want to). Words are so powerful; it'll be the silent constant reminder that he'll be my responsibility as I will be his. Marriage is so sacred and such a union that sharing my husband's last name is a given. Even after we are gone, our names will still be here.

    Hyphens don't represent a union–just a half way submission to your husband. As strong-willed as I am, I don't feel the need to have my father's name anymore once I'm married. I know whomever I marry, I'll be proud and blessed to have his name.

  29. If I ever get married, I'm taking my husband's last name.

    As Max stated, my last name doesn't do well hyphenated. That ish will reject ANY last name that comes its way. Furthermore, I think it shows a level of unity when everyone in the family has the same last name. I only know one woman with a hyphenated last name, and that's my aunt. She hyphenated it after her second marriage so she could have share lasts names w/ both her children.

  30. Im sorry but I dont understand how my original comment got 14 dislikes!!! Its too much emphasis on a name you'll be stuck with after the divorce because you were too lazy to change it or couldn't afford to change the name…its not mandatory to do anything with his last name!! And u mean to tell me, if his name is Jerome D*** , u will gladly take his last name as yours or add it on to yours??I will tell u now that I wont

  31. I don't have much of an opinion on a woman taking her husband's name. Generally, I don't think it's THAT big a deal, and if he wants her to have his name, as a wife she should probably just give that to him or compromise with the hyphen. If he's so much of an a-hole that he can't compromise with the hyphen, then imagine what your marriage is going to be like.

    BUT, I do feel strongly about women giving their children their father's last name rather than her own (in the cases where the parents aren't married & the mother has primary custody.) I guess I don't see the point, but maybe someone who's done this can explain the significance to me. I guess I'd rather MY babies have MY last name if I'm not married to the father of my child. Even if I can 100% guarantee that that he is the father of my child, I can't 100% guarantee that he will always be a part of our lives. And what if you have 3 kids, 3 different daddies, all of the kids with different last names and NONE of them with your last name? From the outside looking in, that doesn't appear to be much of a family.

    My parents weren't married, but I was always thankful that I carried my mom's name rather than my dad's. My dad wasn't a bad father & I love him unconditionally. But my mom & my sisters & I were a unit, we were a family and I'm glad that we had a common last name to show it to the rest of the world. If I ever have children, I would want to give them to that as well.

    1. But I do like KevLow's suggestion of making your maiden name your middle name. I mean, if you have all these options but you two (as a couple) can't come to a reasonable agreement then you probably shouldn't marry. Compromise is big for a marriage, and you can't let little things like this define the rest of your union.

    2. Keona "If he’s so much of an a-hole that he can’t compromise with the hyphen, then imagine what your marriage is going to be like."

      Conversely, if she's so much of an a-hole that she can't compromise and take his last name, then imagine what your marriage is going to be like.

        1. I guess it depends on your definition of compromise. I see it as some issues you have your way and some you don't. It appears on this issue, you're saying decisions should be split.

          For example, say a husband wants to go on vacation to the Bahamas, and the wife wants to go to Hawaii. I'm saying compromise means the husband will say, "ok, we can go to Hawaii", then he'll get his way for something else, or go to the Bahamas next year. It appears you're saying they should take two separate vacations so they both get their way. Some things are non-negotiable, and for most men, this is one of them. In Solomon-esque terms, I don't agree compromise means cutting the baby in half.

          I do agree changing the last name to a middle name is a decent compromise.

  32. I'd take my husbands last name. I already have 2 middle names and 2 different last names, so no hyphen for me, I'll take my husband's last name. Whatever it is, I just hope it's short, easy to pronounce and spell. If not I guess i'll have to put in extra work to teach our children their last name. :/ #thatsall

  33. Never even thought of keeping my last name… lol. I don't dislike my last name, it's very common to both black and white folk. I'm just a traditional girl at heart I guess. Yea I plan on having some career success and if that comes before the wedding welp, guess people will just have to know what the hell I look like and remember the resume cuz the name is OUTTA HERE… lol.

    I pretty much feel this whole line: "So acquiring that last name, like the ring, is the women’s equivalent of an XBox “Call me MRS Wifey” achievement being unlocked."

  34. I actually have strong feelings about this. Unfortunately for me, I have no middle name whatsoever. My whole identity falls on two names. And those two names define me like no other.

    My father is the most important person in the world to me, and the one who's love for me closely resembles God's love for me…to the point that every time I think about my father, it brings tears to my eyes. I literally can't imagine living in a world without my father. No one else has every met as much to me as my father.

    And my French last name's meaning represents everything that I have gone through and everything that I am. It really is this deep!!! In short, I cannot imagine being me without my wonderful 2 names.

    That being said, I'm all for tradition. HOWEVER, just as you have expressed your desire for the last name issue, I would also hope that my mate understood my desire as well. If his only reason that I cannot hyphenate (as I desire) is due to pride and tradition, then compatible we are not. Marriage as it is will heed lots of sacrifices, and if he can't understand how important this is for me, then, that is telling on the longevity of our relationship.

    Which is what I'm mostly hearing…I think it's wrong on either party to desire name change/no name change for pride/tradition only.

    However, if either party has a very legitimate reason (that goes beyond name recognition), then that's the beginning of sacrifice.

    On top of which, I will more than likely receive my M.D. (in 2 yrs) before I make the marriage leap, lending even more so to my desire to hyphenate.

    And absolutely, this topic of convo will be had long before marriage talk.

  35. When I got married I took my husband's last name, I never even thought of hyphenating although it would have sounded HOT.

    I still carry my ex's last name and I will continue too because EVERYTHING I own is in my marital name and it's just easier than going thru the hassle of changing it back and Streetz just like your momma said…. “Its MY name, I earned it!” <<<<THIS!!!!!!

    1. I'm with you… I still have my ex's last name which is also my children's name. So its here to stay… until I get married again. lol

  36. I am nowhere near married, hell not even in a relationship but recently I've been seriously thinking about when, and if married, will I lose my last name or hyphenate… I thought about taking my last as my middle but being that my middle name is after an aunt who passed from AIDS in the 80's that doesn't feel right…

    Who knows when the time comes the future Mr and I will have the discussion.

  37. I spoke on this a while back on here and i'll repeat … Not taking my last name is a DEAL BREAKER … without question and before anyone thinks it's a control move or whatever … False, as The Most Interesting Man in The World so eloquently said it, it's about you leaving your past (Family, Father, etc.) and starting your own with me and our future family. No disrespect to your pops ladies, but tell that n*gga to WATCHOUT … He'll be alright *End Quote*.

    And miss me with that "I'm a daddy's girl" rhetoric …Marry him then … Lol

  38. @Hugh well its not like u can say "next yr u can hyphenate"..ur basically giving her an ultimatum & calling it a compromise. Does that seem fair & reasonable?

    1. Keona I think Hugh is saying, that for him, it's a DEALBREAKER. We all have (or should have) certain things that we're not willing to compromise on.

      *Shrug* This just happens to be his.

      1. I get it. But he called it "compromising" when obviously it's not. Like I said, if you're marrying a man who wouldn't compromise on this then you can imagine what your marriage is going to be like. You have to think about what other things is he willing to NOT compromise on?

        1. The issue here should a woman hyphenate or not. So I'm trying to figure out how a woman hyphenating her name is a compromise on her part.

          Mildly curious: are there any issues in a marriage that you refuse to compromise on? Is there anything that you would put your foot down on and say, "no, that's not acceptable"?

        2. "The issue here should a woman hyphenate or not. So I’m trying to figure out how a woman hyphenating her name is a compromise on her part. "

          @Hugh: Perhaps you don't know the definition of compromise. The compromise is that she's saying, i'm taking your name (to make you happy), but i'm adding it to my name (to make me happy). That is compromise.

        3. @ Melissa: Perhaps you didn't read my earlier comments and comprehend them. The woman is still getting her way in your "compromise", and you pose it as a solution. A different analogy: if a husband wants to paint a room white, and the wife wants to paint the room red, your "compromise" is to paint the room pink. I'm saying she can paint her reading room whatever color she likes, and the man can paint the man cave the color he likes. Some things aren't negotiable, some things are. Pick and choose, but most men aren't going to risk losing half their life's work and children in the family courts, when the woman can't even take his name to show she's serious about the union.

          I'll pose my question again since women aren't answering it, just turning off their brains and lazily putting a thumbs down. Since we're discarding tradition, why should a man marry a woman at all? You still get all the marriage benefits, you don't have to change your name, and he doesn't have a claim to make you change your name.

        4. @Hugh, and no, I can't exactly think of any issues off the top of my head that I wouldn't compromise on, but that's because even as much as I "argue" online, I'm actually a flexible & agreeable person. And most times, I'm sure I'd be fine with my husband having the final say in decisions in our household. The only time I wouldn't compromise would be probably if it involved my children, and I believed my husband was dead wrong. Ex: If we had a homosexual child and my husband tried to keep me from being a part of his/her life, I'd tell my husband to kick rocks. No compromising there. The second example would be one of my faith. I can't see myself marrying someone who didn't share my religious beliefs, but if a situation ever arose where he wanted me to change the way I worshipped God, then again, he'd have to kick rocks.

        5. That's my only point. Some things are up for compromise, and some things aren't. A man wanting his wife to take his last name doesn' t mean he's intransigeant on other issues.

        6. @Hugh yea but these things are so important to me that the husband and I would address them even before we get married, and may be the reasons we won't get married. I think refusing to marry a lady JUST because she wants to hyphenate is kinda nuts (I'm entitled to my opinion). Granted, she's not refusing to take your name at all, she just wants to keep a part of her old name as well (maybe she wants to have the same name as her children from a previous marriage). But in any event, I think a guy who's that unflexible would be hard to live with. I would foresee myself making too many concessions for a man who's unreasonable, and over a lifetime, that can do major damage to my spirit.

          However, I would suggest finding out exactly WHY she wants to keep her part of her old name. If she wants to maintain her independence or says your name is ugly or some crappy excuse like that, then she's probably not ready for marriage anyway. If she has a legitimate reason (professional title, keeping the name of her kids) then those are very valid reasons to consider the hyphen and if you can't bend at all, then YOU'RE probably not ready for a woman like her. Marry some chick who left her backbone and principles at her daddy's house.

        7. Ok, I'll say this and be done, since we have a new post up to comment on.

          As I originally said, if a man was cool with it, more power to him, his wife, and their union. If it's discussed beforehand, beautiful. A lot of men don't feel that way though. And I don't see how a woman insisting to hyphenate is more flexible than a man who wants her to take his last name, as has always been done.

          "If she has a legitimate reason…then those are very valid reasons to consider the hyphen and if you can’t bend at all, then YOU’RE probably not ready for a woman like her. Marry some chick who left her backbone and principles at her daddy’s house."

          Or conversely, she's probably not ready for a man like me. We know women don't respect a man that is a doormat that she can walk all over. Let her find some lame that will let her do what she wants. And when she sees he can't stand up for himself, she'll have an affair.

        8. I like how you keep ignoring the fact that the "hyphen" is the compromise. One option is to keep her name only (she's not legally obligated to change her name at all). Another option is to take yours and completely drop hers. The hyphen is her offer to be flexible. The hyphen is the middle ground.

        9. I'm not ignoring anything. Tradition says she takes his last name. It doesn't really matter whether you keep your last name, hyphenate, or change your last name to Tinkerbell-FairyDust. And for the nth time, every issue isn't a negotiation, sometimes you'll get your way, and sometimes he'll get his way. Let's see if I can use a different analogy to get the point across. Let's say your husband came to you one day after work and said this:

          "Baby, I'm sick of work. There is so much backstabbing in the corporate world, my boss is borderline rac!st, and I can't keep playing these stupid kiss-up games. I want to stay at home and be a house husband."

          Now would you say, "Let's compromise honey. Just get a part-time job and work 15-20 hours a week. That's half way between what we both want."

          Or do you say, "N!gga, you can suck it up, or quit and get another job, but yo a$$ is working!"?

    2. Yes, saying she must take his last name is fair and reasonable, because he will be compromising on a lot of other things in the marriage. Both sides will. The point is compromise means some things you get your way, and some things you don't. You're essentially saying people can't have dealbreakers.

      If you find a man that doesn't care, more power to you and I wish you and your future husband the best. However, most men don't feel this way, as evident by the comments here. To paraphrase Top5DOA's eloquent comment, if you want your mama's last name, marry her.

      1. Well the other option is for the woman to keep her name only. She's not obligated by law to change her name to yours. But even if a woman is dead set on keeping her name, she may be willing to "compromise" by getting the hyphen. You wouldn't be open to compromising though.

  39. LOL, this is so timely because IT finally got around to changing my email addy and folks are like "Wait Tef…did you get married?"

    I loved my maiden name. It flowed perfectly with my first name, almost sounded like I should be on the stage. I could use the pi symbol for my initials. *sniff* I miss it, I really do. But I knew I wanted our family to be the "Smiths" not Mrs. Smith-Maiden plus Mr. Smith and the Smithettes. We're a unit, so I traded in my easy to pronounce cool sounding last name for one that has to be spelled out and is slightly hard to pronounce. Funny enough, the hubs didn't really care. If I wanted to keep my last name he wouldn't have minded.

  40. I took my ex-husband's last name when we married. I barely even know my real Dad's family…and I don't have a skin-tight relationship with him…so, I had no issues shedding my common maiden name.

    I had the option to change my last name when I divorced…the judge asked me about it during the hearing…it would have been free to change it everywhere (SSN, MVA, etc.). I kept the name because we share children. I actually don't want the name. I divorced the man which means I didn't want to be anything with him anymore…so I'm not thrilled to be walking around with his uncommon name…having folks constantly ask me "you must know or be related to "insert person with the same last name". Daggonit if I feel like explaining that I'm divorced to these strangers. I'd prefer not to be tied to him at all. But, adults do a lot that they don't want to do for the greater good…my greater good being my children…cause we do share them and we are forever bound by them.

    But, if the Lord sees fit to bring me to yet another altar to say, "I do", I will be taking on the new husband's last name. The only way I'd consider hyphenating with my maiden name (cause I'd never keep some other man's name while married to a new man…just seems wrong to me) is if his name just doesn't match or flow with my first name. And, if the flow is that bad, I'd hope that my new groom would care enough about me to grant me grace, lol.

  41. I'm not trying to … well take this how you want …

    I think that a conversation like this one is something that I would file under, "This isn't up for discussion." I think that folks need to be careful the things they allow to be debated. My father made sure that he enstilled in me, that as a man, there are some things that are never up for debate. I think this is one of them. I think you are letting something become debateable when it should be very cut and dry. When you examine several conversations that couples, or just genders find themselves in, oft times, i'm like, "Why did you even act like that was up for discussion?"

    I want a traditional wedding, I don't want some next-gen wedding format in which there are hyphens and women who are dictating their level of involvement in marriage. Marriage is not an a la carte arrangement. Therefore, it's not up for discussion. As I stated previously, if I dated a latina then I would consider having my children have her maiden name as their middle name. She is welcome to move her last name to her middle name. That's traditional for them. However, that's going to be a concession that I make, not one that i'm forced into.

    1. I think that there's a lot of stuff that is not up for discussion with one person, but totally on the table with the other. Example: I found out not too long ago that quite a few wives don't leave their kids alone with their husband. Color me stupefied. But a friend asked me where my girls were and I said, "With their dad." She was like, "Really, you just leave your kids with him? Wow." Then we both sat their giving each other the exact same "Bish you've lost your mind, I can't even comprehend what you just said." look for 30 seconds before awkwardly looking away.

      1. wtf? what did she think your husband was going to do with them? Turn them into a living foosball table?!? He is a father. Jeez. That is insulting.

      2. Hold up…

        There are women who don't leave their children with their husband/father???? Women become involved with and marry men that they wouldn't leave his own children with????

        Not in 2011…and not in the U.S.of A. I won't believe it…

        1. Girrrllll….believe it. I thought the chick who said this was some sort of freakish exception, but my mommy blogs have shown me that quite a few women think the same way, and look at women like me like I just asked Freddy Krueger to babysit or something. And Kema, it's not always a bad reflection on the guy. Some women never give their man a chance to prove themselves, then the man gets accustomed to not having to be alone with the kids and the women are like, "Woe is me, my man never helps with these kids." Stupid heffa you set that whole thing up, don't complain about it now that you have to pay a sitter to be at home with your kids AND your man so you can have girls night out.

    2. Totally agree … This is not a conversation/discussion to be had … I'm having it now and here with ya cuz I'm not bout to marry any of ya, but this is every bit of a 5 sec statement to my lady and a BIG AZZ *ShrugLife* afterwards.

  42. socially I will take on my husband's name, but professionally and legally, I'm keeping mine. If you have published papers, degrees, etc. that you have achieved under your maiden name, it's just a bad move career wise to change your name. Your name is like your brand in some circles. Also, if you marry a man within the same profession and take on his name, it can cause confusion (as I've seen happen on multiple occasion. At parties, wedding whatever, my man can introduce me as whatever he wants, but being that I already have a considerable amount of accomplishments under my maiden name, I'm not changing it. Also my last name is ethnic, and there's a lot of meaning/ history behind my name. My dad has all daughters as well, so there are some sentimental reasons attached as well

    I've discussed this with men that I've dated and surprisingly, they've been okay with it. Honestly, I think there are much bigger issues that they were concerned abOut. Compatibility is important, and I guess I've just been fortunate to find someone who views the issue similarly (I just asked my boo and he couldn't care less). If my partner had an issue with it, I would be pretty conflicted because despite all my career aspirations, I am very marriage-minded and traditional in most sense lol.

    1. My wife works in the magazine industry and had found success, been published and all that before we got married… before we even met. Getting married and changing her last name did nothing to slow any of that down or cause any confusion. I think it's one of those things that you think might be an issue when looking from the outside in, but once you're in, you realize, it's really not that serious.

      I feel where women are coming from when their dads have all girls… my father-in-law is kinda like that. So you're gonna keep it because he doesn't have anyone else to keep it going, That's cool, but what happens when you die? Your future hubby might be ok with you having a hyphenated name, but is he ok with that for your kids? There's no way in hell I'd let my kids have my father-in-laws name attached to theirs… no way no how. So you keep your dad's last name, but then once you're gone, it's gone.

      1. Yea what Reecie said about it being a bigger deal in academia is true, and that's the perspective I was coming from. About the kids, while I want to share my last name with my children, I want my children to have a strong relationship with their dad even more. That's a HUGE factor to me, especially given th e state of black families in this day and age. So if their father was adamantly opposed to them having my name, I'd let him win that one. I'm willing to do anything in my power to make sure that bond is as strong as can be. I'm not worried about my relationship with my kids, they will be my babies, they will have been carried inside me, nursed by me, etc. Nature does a lot to ensure that mother-child bond is strong…. So I would give my husband that.

        1. Right. This is true in for doctorates, and M.D's. And like me, I believe Lady will also be an M.D. soon. And statistically, we'll also marry another M.D., so confusing it is!

  43. This is very serious to me too. Like I stated under Most's comment – the oneness is key. I'm no spring chicken so when I make the plunge I have to change my last name. I think I've stated before that I was proposed to twice. Once I said yes and called it off and the other I flat out said no. I wouldn't have actually had to change my last name with one of them because we had the same last name lol. I thought that was sooooooooo dope!
    In any case marriage is so serious to me. I didn't do it before because you should think its forever and I went into the engagement thinking if it doesn't work we can divorce (which should not ever be the thought process).
    So all that to say when my forever finds me, my last name will be gone.

  44. Here is a different side.

    Say one of you namely the woman has a few "blemishes" on the credit. A hyphenated last name is a TEMPORARY solution to use until her stuff get straight so you don't incurr her debt and damage yours.

    Thats the only feasible reason I can see, no one wants a wife with a sorority founders level of last names.

  45. "Being part of the working world, I understand the need to keep maiden names."

    I agree with this but not only because of the working world. I feel the need to comment because no one has said anything from my perspective. My last name right now is already hypenated. I drop my father's name for day to day paperwork but it is on all of my legal documentation. I am from Belize (as some of you know) and I carry my mother's maiden name and my father's last name. My mother's maiden has so much history in Belize that I am proud of. So proud of it that when I get married I plan to keep it. In fact when I was supposed to get married back in 08' my then fiance knew that I was going to hypenate my name to include his last name. It is what it is. Loving/respecting my husband and changing my last name do not equate to me. I plan to respect my future husband and have him as head of the household but still hold onto the tradition of all the women keeping our family name.

    1. I can respct it because thats your traditions, and I would be respectful of said traditions, thats when i think its type conditional.

      still get that hyphen shtuff outta here for the kids.

      Aint no Julio Streetzar-Chaves's runnin around hurr!

    2. My father's family is Belizean as well, so I understand the importance of keeping your last name due to traditional, pride and respect. We share the same sentiments, however I would still change my name because what changing my name means to me.

      *Sidenote, Belize is small–I'm pretty sure at least one of our family members know each other. Small world 🙂

    3. I'm in a similar situation where my name is already hyphenated, although not by tradition. I go by one last name from day to day (outside of my parents no one really knows my name is hyphenated).

      Because of this I think its all or nothing. Either keep the name I have or goes with his. Trying to add hyphens would be way too confusing. I never knew men had such strong opinions about it until this post so I now will probably drop both names and change to his.

  46. I dont get it- if a woman hyphenates her name after getting married, doesn't it mean taking on her husbands name in addition to her name?

    So what is with some of the comments saying that their wives HAVE to take their last names? It just sounds really redundant.

    1. Theres a difference between taking a name fuly and halfway. The hyphen is a half way adoption of the husbands name. Hyphenating a name is like needing a cosign for a loan. You're credit isn't good enough so you need another signee. The hyphen is saying 'yeah we're married, but Im still a smith though and we aint gonna take his name all the way"

      To me…

    2. I agree.

      for them it's all or none. which i find interesting that they use tradition as a reason to do so, when they know full well they dont adhere to all traditions pertaining to marriage (such as premarital sex). a poster claimed that women pick and choose which traditions to adhere to, when in reality, we all freakin' do.

      1. Ummm, helllo??!?!? Damn, it's either step back to 1950 or die alone with cats out here! That's ok, though – Rick is on his caveman stance but I have yet to hear some of these men talk about actually stepping up to the caveman plate.

  47. I'm Ghanaian with a non-Ghanaian first name [read: white/caucasian/french], THREE Middle names (for those of you who know any Ghanaians, I have the 'Nana' plus my day name, plus the name I got from being named after my granny) plus my Ghanaian last name. I don't know what the big deal about hyphenated names is. A lot of Ghanaian names happen to be hyphenated and it has nothing to do with women taking on their husband's last name in addition to theirs; it usually has to do with the traditional/ethnic naming process where the man has 2 last names.

    Anyway, I plan on hyphenating my last name when I get married. Reason being I do not use my middle names (except in my passport/birth certificate), I really do not want to loose my Ghanaian last name when I get married to my fiance who is African-American with a very common last name.

    I don't to be just another Alex[andra] Williams and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with the name Alex Williams

  48. I don't want to hyphenate. My last name is long letters wise and I don't want to have all that extra lettering. One of my LS's has theeeeee longest hyphenated last name ever! good thing her first name is relatively short. lol. I will take my future husband's name, even if his last name sucks. I do plan to make my maiden name my middle name. I just hope it all flows nice, if not I'll keep my middle name as is.

  49. Apparently, I'm just a contrary person. I say this because, I've never even thought about hyphenating my last name or keeping my maiden name. I always figured I'd be Mrs. so and so, but after reading the comments (and I haven't even read all of them), I feel like why should I have to do anything. The whole, "my wife had t take my name end of story" bothers me. If I had a man who felt that ANY topic wasn't up for discussion that would bother me. I have every intention of changing my name, but you would think that with everything I, not we, have to do in order for me to change my name, I would have some say in the matter.

    This post made me wonder what is necessary to legally change your name after marriage so I googled it even for people who aren't business owners or CEOs, it's a lot of work.
    http://www.themarryingguy.com/NameChangeA.html

      1. To be honest, i don't care about how hard it is to change whatever and i don't care about whether the accesses you have at work have my name or not…If i don't know about it, i don't care…But this isn't anything that hasn't been done before. All that goes with changing your name isn't anything new, granted you prolly have your name attached to more things than your parents did during the same time period, but i'm positive you can overcome.

        And Sade, don't be a jerk … Lol … "And am I also expected to change my signature to match my new last name?" … SMFH … Sounds like someone is just being facetious.

        1. Like I said my issue isn't with changing my name, it's with the lack of choice. If

          I had reasons for wanting to keep/hyphenate my name, I would expect my future life partner to at the very least consider my reasons. The whole "because I said so" doesn't fly with me ever. I also feel that when I change my name, I'm going to do it right. Personally, I think that if a woman is changing her name on only the things that her husband can see, then that's more of a problem than keeping her maiden name. That sounds a lot like saying yes to your face to avoid an argument and then dong what you wanted anyway.

          And I'm only half kidding about the signature thing…lol

        2. Sade come on … Do you seriously think the woman in a marriage isn't going to be on some "Because I said so" type ish when it relates to how the child is raised or marital issues??? It's expected on both sides at a given time. In this case, it just happens to be thee first thing after the honeymoon vacation.

          And hopefully she isn't on doing it to just avoid confrontation, but for me … It's better to not know or have a clue. I'm happy with being ignorant in some cases.

        3. I can only speak for this woman and my answer is no. I think in any partnership things are up for discussion. That doesn't mean that everything needs to be discussed. Part of going into marriage is trusting that your spouse is going to do whatever is best for the family. It's also why I think it's important for people to marry people with similar values so you don't need to talk about everything. But I don't think anything should be off-limits. Obviously some one has to give at some point and who that person is will change depending on the discussion, but the only time "because I said so" will ever leave my mouth is if I'm talking to my children.

        4. Agreed … I expect my wife to have my best interest in heart as I do hers and literally saying "because I said so" shouldn't have to be uttered … It should be implied in certain situations. If she says she wants to breast feed for 3-4 months and then bottle feed the baby thereafter, i'm going to take to assume that it's the best move, therefore the topic won't be discussed in length.

    1. Color me contrary. If my husband had "insisted" I would have had more of an issue with it. But he didn't so I happily changed it. Cuz I'm contrary like that, lol. It is kind of a pain, but not really. First step is going to Social Security with your marriage license and getting that changed. You can also use your marriage license to get your work email and paychecks. Once you have an updated Social Security card it's on to the DMV, your bank, and whatever else is in your wallet.

  50. I'm going to have to take the cue from my mom and one of my aunts who has been married for 40+ years… I'll be Mrs. XYZ socially and Mrs. Sunshine professionally. So yes my husband can introduce me as Mrs. XYZ but just call me Sunshine in the courtroom lol

  51. I can see the point of the women who choose to hyphenate as well as keep their own last name. They want to hold on to a piece of their own identity, nothing wrong with that. I, on the other hand am a traditionalist. I’ve been married before and I took my husband’s last name. It was an honor to do so. Since as described above, it was what I’ve dreamed of since forever. I was proud to be Mrs Southern boy. I didn’t feel like I was losing anything. I knew who I was. And if I needed to remind myself and others, then I would probably make a family tree. I was also proud to give my kids their dad’s name, after all, how else would I claim child support. lol. I had 1 child prior to marriage with someone else, and gave my child his father’s last name. Though, in all seriousness, my son should have had my husband’s last name, since he was a real father to him, and the only one he knew for the first 9 years of his life. But I digress. My sister on the other hand, married twice, never changed her name, but did give her only child, by her first husband, her father’s last name. I will never understand it.

    1. also, to add. I did changed my name back in the divorce. I wasn't feeling like Mrs Southern Boy anymore, and didn't want the same last name as his current soon to be. Nothing against her, no animosty toward him. We had an amicable divorce and have a great relationship as exes. But that's just not me anymore.

  52. "What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet"

    Yeah, yeah, I know, cliche. But I don't understand why this is such an a huge thing. I guess men feel a bit of rejection if a woman doesn't want to take her husband's name…I don't know. This is one of the reason I don't want to get married. There are too many social expectations of my relationship that I don't really think should be anyone's business but ours…but I don't want to start a debate about marriage. I think whoever feels the strongest about the issue gets their way. If the woman is apathetic about the whole thing and her husband is adamant about it, then she should just go ahead and change it. If not, who cares? It's not a big deal. I understand that the symbolism of having one name is important to some people, and I respect that. It's just not something I value.

    I am, however, all about giving the children the name of their father. I got to carry my children and experience a bond that my partner will ever get to experience. They identify with me simply because they developed inside of my body and came from my body. I had no issues with giving my children their father's name because that is how they will identify with him. Plus I knew he was going to be the amazing father that he is so there were no issues with that.

    1. "I guess men feel a bit of rejection if a woman doesn’t want to take her husband’s name…I don’t know."

      Now that i think about it you are absolutely right. My wife shouldn't reject the first thing that makes her my wife and not some random citizen. It feels as if it's just the tip of the iceberg with plenty more rejections to come. It's insulting cuz it's coming from the woman that I've mentally committed to being the last woman i'm ever with and the first thing she does when the play starts is stiff arm my name or jukes my last name with the addition of a hyphen. Just seems all bad. I respect the woman, her family, her heritage, but i also respect our union, our tradition and lastly myself.

    2. musiclover: "But I don’t understand why this is such an a huge thing. I guess men feel a bit of rejection if a woman doesn’t want to take her husband’s name…I don’t know."

      Question and answer. As I stated in my first comment on the subject, it's an insult. This isn't a big deal to you (musiclover) because you aren't a traditionalist.

      Simple question to women who don't think this is a big deal: why get married at all? You can have all the benefits of the marriage without actually doing getting married, you keep your last name, and he has no claim to make you change it. Problem solved.

      Objections?

      1. Of course, someone anonymously gives a thumbs down. Which I could care less about. What I do care about is that person forming some sort of logical rebuttal to what I said.

        Which, of course, they can't. Which is why they didn't. What did you say, Top5DOA, about giving brain hemorrhages?

      2. Well I agree with you. Marriage is a traditional institution that comes with certain responsibilities, obligations, and expectations. It's a package deal, which is why it's not for us. We'd rather make our own rules.

        It's not so much that I'm one of those people that hates everything "traditional", it's just that I would rather embrace traditions that I value and discard those that I do not.

        This is why you need to find someone that has the same values as you do. I'm sure women who don't want to change their name after marriage will find a man who is ok with that, I've seen it done all the time. Men who insist that their woman changes her name after marriage will find a woman who wouldn't think twice about it. If you can't agree on what the wife's last name is going to be, you shouldn't be getting married in the first place…you'll never be able to agree/compromise on anything.

      3. "Simple question to women who don’t think this is a big deal: why get married at all? You can have all the benefits of the marriage without actually doing getting married, you keep your last name, and he has no claim to make you change it. Problem solved.

        Objections?"

        Well, as I lay here with my laptop and an INFURIATING case of insomnia, I figured I'd comment on the Thursday post…but since it isn't up yet #noshots, allow me to answer your question, and "object" if you will…

        There actually are benefits to being legally married. Why do you think common law marriage exists? So that a partner who's "done their time" so to speak can reap some of the BENEFITS of a legal marriage.

        If one of you gets ill/hurt while apart and gets rushed to the hospital, that person that lives with you is not your next of kin and cannot make emergency decisions. In the event of sudden death, God forbid, your roomie isnt entitled to anything of yours, nor can they make burial decisions.

        Taxes, do NOT get me started on the tax breaks/write-offs for married couples! I had a married suite mate in undergrad who got a married individual tuition deduction! o_O

        If those arent enough for you, then consider the symbolic and/or religious meaning of a legal union. For me this supercedes all of the above. The act of dedicating yourself to another before God and going through all the hassle of marriage paperwork, blood tests, proof of identity, etc is more powerful than anything. A declaration of love on all levels.

        (FTR I'm all for taking his last name. I'm a proud sap that has mentally tried out every one of my exes' last names with my first. #Shameless. I just do understand that some women feel strongly about keeping their names, and I wanted to address this question.)

        1. You need to fall thru everybody in favor of making her change her name and like the post cuz apparently the "I'm keeping my father's name/hyphen" women fell thru after work hours and made helly dislike moves on anything and everything … smh

          By the way, Last night I had this talk with a young lady i've been getting to know lately (she brought it up) and yeah she expressed that she's been [insert her current last name] all her life and that's who she is and changing the last name will be odd. Nevertheless, she's prepared to take on his last name without complaint … Internally i was on some #AllSmiles type stuff … Lol

        2. MissMina, I guess you came into the conversation late so you probably don't know why I put the hypothetical up. This wouldn't apply to you because you'd have no problem taking your husband's name. This was only to point out that you can do just about everything in a marriage without getting married, so if one throws out the tradition of taking the husband's name, throw out the tradition of getting married and it won't be an issue. There are legal consequences of the marriage ending, and most legal issues can be resolved with power of attorney or a last will and testament. But the point is I agree with you.

    3. " I am, however, all about giving the children the name of their father."

      I'm seeing this in a few comments today. Not a traditionalist and don't see what the big deal is about keeping your last name, but ademant about keeping the tradition of the children getting their father's last name. So everyone in the family has the same last name except the mother… O_o??

      I don't know….I think if family is about unity and "teamwork" then I would look no further then sports for a proper analogy. Everyone may have a different name on the back of the jersey which represents each different person (which is everyone in the family's first name in this comparison), but the name on the front of ALL the jerseys are the same (last name of each family member). Kobe doesn't have "Mamba" on the front of his jersey b/c he didn't like the name Lakers b/c there are no Lakes in California…the team chose him and he proudly wears that Laker uniform no matter how ridiculous it may look.

      1. "Not a traditionalist and don’t see what the big deal is about keeping your last name, but ademant about keeping the tradition of the children getting their father’s last name. So everyone in the family has the same last name except the mother… O_o??"

        No. I gave a reason as to why I followed that particular tradition, we didn't just do it because "that's how it's done." Everything I do, I do with thought.

        Why does everyone need to have the same last name? My mom has had a different last name than me since she divorced my dad when I was 4. Do you think blended families are less of a team because they have different names?

        1. "Why does everyone need to have the same last name? My mom has had a different last name than me since she divorced my dad when I was 4."

          You don't. Heck, you don't need A/C in your house or car either, but it sure feels good, though, huh?

          "Do you think blended families are less of a team because they have different names?"

          Of course not….but not as strong as one could be, however.

          At any rate, this discussion can go, and has gone, in all different sorts of directions. If it's not something you value (which you mentioned) then the rest of any discussion is a moot point at best. I respect everyone's opinion, however. 🙂

        2. "I respect everyone’s opinion, however. :-)"

          Agreed. The fact I grew up in a verrry blended family may be why I don't think it's a big deal. I never secretly wished to have the same name or even gave it any thought when I was young…I also never felt any less tied to her…but I see your point.

  53. I have no qualms about changing my last name.

    I understand women who want to hold on to their last name because there are no sons in their family and/or because of professional accomplishments.

    What's interesting about this discussion though is that in the U.S. we are a patriarchal society.

    For the men who are adamant on having your wife take your last name what happens if you meet and fell in love with someone who was raised in a society where everything was traced through the the mother's lineage?

  54. Uh-oh…here we go…..

    In the bible (lol) it says a MAN is supposed to leave HIS family and CLING to HIS wife. Therefore, all this talk about a woman leaving her family doesn't sound right. The man leaves HIS family, not me.

    So why not allow a wife to hyphenate, so that for research purposes, future generations can trace their roots?

    Don't black people have enough undiscovered family roots? Why is this even an issue when only most of us can trace our family history back to our great grandmothers…she was FORCED to pick any name out of a hat or take her slave master's name. She didn’t have a choice.

    FORCED!

    1. You can thumbs down me all you want LOL. All I am saying is this….

      Some of us are all up in arms about traditions and what not when are we failing to understand where these traditions came from.

      The names the blacks in American have are not REALLY their names.

      Traditions were left on the slave ships my friends. We are all in arms to continue to spread these slave names to our children.

      How can you defend an identity that NOT EVEN YOURS?

      Signed,

      Beef Bacon X

      1. I didnt thumbs down you Beef B! LOLOL

        But seriously… this name debate. Idk. So we should buck tradition we've built from our "slave names"? What about who we are now? Slave or not, eff that Im proud of my last name's lineage and I create my own legacy too!

        1. "So we should buck tradition we’ve built from our “slave names”?"

          Yes we should! How many other things from slavery do you want to carry on in your future. Yeah, not anything right?

          Same with the names. We all should change them. Yeah I said it…

          Then it wouldn't be us passing on names that were forced on us. It would be us passing on something WE created by RIGHT! I would be more proud of that legacy, wouldn't you?

        2. "Yes we should! How many other things from slavery do you want to carry on in your future. Yeah, not anything right?

          Same with the names. We all should change them. Yeah I said it…"

          Lol, I sure hope you're leading by example on this one, Beefy. So how long ago did you take your advice here and actually change your name? Just wondering.

      2. With all due respect, Ms. Bacon, your point is a valid one, but I would have to say your line of discussion here is further down the line than the original, simple, point of the topic at hand. I mean, you're going deep…but most of us are discussing this at the surface, lol.

        I think people are up in arms about this specific tradition, and not all traditions in general. It's perfectly reasonable for one to be a traditionalist on one thing and not another. Whatever floats your boat.

        "The names the blacks in American have are not REALLY their names."

        I mean if one wanted to go deeper on this I'm sure some of the black folk here has some caucasian up in 'em so part of them really do have their names in some respect. Now we can get into the semantics of "well what race do you identify with first and foremost, blah blah blah..", but like I said this could go on forever and is not that deep….very surface level. But like I said before, you make valid points and it's not like you're technically wrong, either *shrugs*

        1. I am in the process of changing it now. Seriously. This came after deep thought and knowledge.

      3. LOL @ "Signed, Beef Bacon X"!!!!

        *in my preachers voice* Cause…uh…like Bro. Malcolm X said, "We did not layaaaannd on Plymouth Rock…"

        LOL…

        1. And lets not assume that this is a black issue.

          Yes we are single BLACK male, but we write for all races. I happen to know that we have white in our family. My great great GF was white, so his lineage and ultimately his last name, are apart of my families lineage.

          What about white people, asian (Lulz at a hyphenated Asian name. Soundin like a martial art. I kid!) or whoever, using the black excuse does not diminish the importance of retaining a last name for any race, any man!

        2. It was so wonderful to be involved in this discussion because this is obviously important to us all. I just will that we take it step further and look at the building our own traditions instead of trying to promote traditions that we really know NOTHING about. How many of us even know where these traditions came from and why?

          I think we do ourselves a great disservice by not having knowledge of the things we believe in. Knowing and believing are not one in the same. A lot of us just follow what was passed down from our family. That’s okay with some things but not everything.

    2. Wassup BB! I feel your point on this…it's just not at the top of my priority list. Too far in the past and I've got the present and future to worry about. I take pride in my maiden name because it belongs to the people who took me in when I had nobody. Can't get shaken up looking too deep into where they got it from. My new name belongs to people who rebelled violently against slavery. Really I'm happy to sport either.

  55. I’ve never even considered hyphenating my last name. I won’t lose my identity by taking my husbands last name, I know who I am, and I know what I’ve accomplished. That won’t change for me. If anything, my future husband’s name will be a part of my identity, and the beginning of a new life, new accomplishments that we can share together as a single unit. As one…

  56. I have THE coolest last name ever in life. But I will be taking my future husbands last name and dropping mine. My mother just got rid of her middle name as did most of my cousins….but I like my middle name and I'm going to keep it. The last thing I need is 4 names….I have big handwriting and tend to sign my entire name in my signature…and I dont have time to write all of that down.

    My daddy can count on my little brother to carry on the family name.

  57. People are so old-fashioned here. Nothing wrong with that. Personally, if couples disagree on this, I think whoever feels more strongly about it gets to choose. And if both feel as strongly they should flip a coin. It's just a name. I think people get carried away with the THOUGHT of marriage and names and days and whatever, and forget what's more important, i.e. the actual life with your spouse.

    1. My gosh..I couldn't agree with you more. Symbolism this, tradition that seems to take the cake, yet 50% of marriages still end in divorce. Something isn't adding up.

      Honestly, priorities people! And I can be sure that the divorce had nothing to do with who took who's name.

      At the end of the day, it seems to be more of a pride issue…my way or the highway.

      If we want to be traditional, let's not pick and choose! Let's be traditional all the freakin' way:

      no shacking up

      no chex or kids b/f marriage

      curfews with dates

      married b/f 25

      men being breadwinners

      women being only homemakers

      Hmph…

      It's the attitude of the men that responded that turns me off. Only 1 or 2 commenters made valid points that I would consider, and in my compromising state, would use my last name as my new middle name (which I never thought of b/f reading today's comments…so thank you SBM for this very reasonable alternative).

      However, the way most of these men (esp a couple) seem to respond, makes me think we'd have more problems on our hand (ironically, that's what they say of the woman, when in reality, a man OR woman who won't budge will prob extend that character trait to other areas in their marriage).

      No bueno!

  58. Eff a divorce rate, why does that have to be a crutch we use to discredit this bs hyphen?

    They say if you look both ways before crossing a street you're chances of not getting hit are high, yet people die on the road every day. Should we stop looking both ways?

    If you do your job right and well you wont get fired, yet people get laid off and fired regardless of work ethich every day, should we stop working hard?

    That line of thinking is just BS to me. A lot of women wont admit it openly on this site, but utter defiance of even contemplating compromise with this last name thing is why a lot of yall wont get married.

    1. It's funny you say contemplate compromise when ur stance is not one of compromise at all. I imagine that not taking the last name at all is one extreme, and dropping her maiden name is the other extreme. Her hyphenating or using her name as a middle name IS compromise. You may not see it this way but it is.

      Also, predicting eternal singlehood on a woman b/c she happens to have an opinion on this, as do you, is hilarious to me. I never understood the mindset of men, that they think we're all sitting around praying a guy will propose and making sure we do the right things in order for them to do so…as if not being married is a curse of all curses. As if marriage is what we were put on Earth to achieve…as if we should be grateful IF a man chooses to marry poor us! …Last I remembered from Pro 18: "He who finds a wife findeth a good thing."

      And besides, Is not being married the worst thing that can happen to a woman? I can think of a few worse things.

      In my opinion, this discussion is a moot point. Whatever opinion anyone holds, they will eventually marry someone who shares their opinion or is ok with it. You may vehemently disagree (as ur male counterparts do) and will definitely marry a woman who shares your belief. For those who disagree fully or partially, they'll also marry someone who shares their belief.

      Point blank. Everyone's happy. No need to get up in arms or try to belittle our opinions b/c they are not yours. You'll get what you want, hun…but so will I.

      1. Lastly,

        I only have respect for consistency. And many ppl who comment here feeling strongly about this tradition have also commented on how strongly they felt about other subjects that are very NOT traditional in the realms of dating/courtship/marriage. Some people have actually cosigned open marriage in the past, and now want to shout aloud: but she's taking my last name, no questions asked. Seriously…how silly (not the word I really want to use) can you look??? Therefore, I don't take them seriously.

        And yes, DIVORCE rate is a valid point, b/c it shows that while 99% of the men who commented disagree to hyphenation with vile passion, >50% of them who get married or are married will get divorced! If YOU don't see something wrong with this picture, I can't help you. Clearly, they have other ish to work on and be passionate about.

        1. @Tash Women initiate divorce 3/4th of the time… Women are not the ones keeping their side of the commitment… Some of them have legit reasons for leaving… But IMO, some are just bored & looking to upgrade…

          Men are pretty consistent on this one… Even in that post Slim wrote, (I am about to cross-check right now…) I think mostly EVERYBODY wasn't really feeling the open exchange… (except me)

          Women changed the rules on tradition FIRST… Always include that when you are making a point… Feminism is not a man's swag… Equality, wasn't a man swag, & even being s*xually liberated, wasn't a man's swag… All we are doing as men, are adjusting to the women we have to deal with in the present day…

          & women don't like when men exercise their rights, and that keeps alot of <DEL> h0es </DEL> women unmarried…

          In the world that I live in… A stubborn man, is way more attractive to a woman…, than a man who acquiesces to his wife often…

          A stubborn woman is just a stubborn woman…

          And no matter where you take this argument…

          Men have all the leverage here… We reserve the right to be bachelors & get the milk for free if women want to be uncooperative in the negotiation talks…

          Amd women need to be the ones to make marriage more APPEALING to men…

        2. @Tash My favorite big chest on the internet… You slipped on this one…

          I checked the archives and most of the men & women

          1. Were pretty traditional/ pro-monogamy (Me, Max. Yoles, Kenya, Carl were the only real dissenters)

          2. Were trying to figure out the definition of monogamy…

          I agree with Streetz… You gotta name names… And quote people… Because comments cannot be deleted… & are public…

          Nobody is above being a hypocrite (part of being a human being is hypocrisy), but unless someone is trolling hardcore… or women who forget to think… I don't see alot of contradictions in what people say…

          P.S. Want to see those grotesque STI pics… Please send them in a Zip file…

          P.P.S. SmartFoxGirl needs to get over her obsession with the Good Doctor & comment again… I miss checking her & her BS…

        3. Names need not be spoken.
          Just take a poll.
          How many of you guys who put ur foot down about a woman taking ur last name, also disagree to chex b/f marriage, shacking up before marriage, p*rn, anal chex, going down…etc, etc. They want a woman who's traditional on the last name issue, but would stick their nose up at women who were traditional in other points as well.
          And woman are the only ones who pick and choose, you say? Right.
          Again, we all have a right to our opinion, but just as a man would want his woman to be open-minded about say, anal s*x…a very non-traditional orifice for heterosexual love making, I would also hope he extends that attitude to her desires. At the end of the day, it's about the attitude, not the actual issue on the table. I'm easy to please and I'm very compromising if I feel the man has my best interest at heart, and his response in this could make or break us.

        4. Tash I see where ur comin from, but still..

          IM very traditional in some aspects and non traditional in others, so whats the real point?

          If yhou dont want a dude touching your hair ever after it gets done, yet you like your hair being pulled during s*x, does that make you contradictory?

          Think about that.

          This goes back to preferences. A lot of women are on here trying to remix ish to make it something its not in my opinion. Preferences!

  59. Child please! I've been dreaming of the day I can drop my simple last name. Even though my daughter's dad is…not going there, I quickly gave her his last name (it's only right plus do we really need another Jackson in this world).

  60. My mother in law has an hyphenate name, to me that is a blatant disrespect toward her husband then again she does not love nor respect him, so there it is. Black women are in live with the idea of marriage, they have no idea how it works , if I was a guy and might wife didn't cook clean make my hone enjoyable and take my full last name, well I wouldn't have married the bitch

  61. My mother in law has an hyphenate name, to me that is a blatant disrespect toward her husband ,then again she does not love nor respect him, so there it is. Black women are in love with the idea of marriage, they have no idea how it works , if I was a guy and my wife didn't cook clean make my hom enjoyable and take my full last name, well I wouldn't have married the bitch

    1. "Black women are in live with the idea of marriage, they have no idea how it works , if I was a guy and might wife didn’t cook clean make my hone enjoyable and take my full last name, well I wouldn’t have married the bitch"

      Black women have no idea how marriage works? My grandmother was married since age 16. My grandfather passed and she re-married and stayed that way. If I'm not mistaken, she's black. So the countless black women I know, public figures (Michelle Obama), and even some of the SBM readers whom are black and married are all just wingin it right? And the divorced or never married women of other races? Genetic anomalies I suppose? And furthermore, where did the non-cooking, non-cleaning, and b**ch characterizations come in? Do they automatically come with the black woman's maiden name? A package deal, huh?

      -Inquiring minds…

  62. Ps: I don't know where y'all fathers were when they was suppose to tell you this but here it is , SUBMISSION is the key word , you bubble headed idiots give up that power to that man. He loves you , refuses to cheat on you, pay your bills, listen to you yapping about some stuff he gives no fudge about, visits your annoying family, loves you loves handles and all, give yourself to him FULLY that is marriage.
    If you are not ready for it; shut the f up "where are all the good black men" hiding from your immature, false sens of independence, backward arse bytches

    ps:
    1-I'm a married woman
    2- Jesus is love

    1. I hear you @Melinda… When you are making good points, don't ruin it by being condescending… Just state your piece & a little of your dissatisfaction and you good…

      Obama got to the highest office by being smooth & swagnificent when he spoke

  63. I find ur use of the words bitches and idiots interesting but then to have the audacity to sign off with jesus is love is much more interesting…all in 1 comment

    1. Lawdamercy. I saw that Adonis had – CORRECTLY – checked this broad on her em-manners and fell out of my chair in a fit of convulsions. I don't know if I just had a grand mal seizure or if it was the Holy Ghost.

  64. I guess I'm just frustrated and you sbm people are receiving it , I have a sister in law and I did all but marry her myself . She want a black male 6'2 dark skin , dreads, own his house, own his cars (with an s ) has a bachelor , no kids and don't mind her keeping her last name, bur yeah white wedding dress huge reception, honeymoon lalalala; did I mention she barely has her high school diploma and work customer service? Noassatall and overweight I'm sick and tired o
    f people standing in their own way, we talked earlier about the 100th man to hit and quit, he dumped her because she does not want to chip her nails making breakfast, I'm frustrated I'll be better [email protected]

  65. Tash took nearly all the words out my mouth. There's no problem with a man expecting his wife to take his last name, but I do find it funny how quick men are to cite tradition when it suits them. The simplest example I can give of this is, naturally, the attitudes of a lot of people here in regards to sex. 'shrug' traditionally, women would've been dragged out in the street, ridiculed, and disgraced for a lot of the things men seem to feel should be staples in a relationship (sex before marriage, head, shacking up, and the like). There definitely was a post a short while back on which someone commenting confessed that they don't give head, dont feel the need to until theyre married and dudes were not for that either. Somehow, it was nearly scandalous.

    Though the picture of marriage that Most illustrated is a pretty one, one I definitely feel being a person who doesn't have much family herself either, I don't think people should be so quick to bash or toss a woman just because she considers a hyphen. I've had this argument with men early on just to see how open their minds are…the conversation that follows usually serves to be quite the heated/interesting one.

    I liked that earlier idea of both parties choosing a new name entirely, actually.

    1. Thank you TeaCup,

      All your subsequent points were things I thought about as well after signing off. I lurk a bunch, and have a sense of people's e-personalities, character traits, based on their words! And I remember silently disagreeing with many commenters on specific subjects, that are not traditional at all.

      And just as you said, this extends to everything you listed, and more. I used one example of open marriage, but trust, there's been more.

      Just as you said, it's not a big surprise that most men would prefer his woman to take his last name, b/c that's how's it has always been. However, when/if his woman presents an alternative that means alot to her, and his response is vile, dismissive, and uncompromising, I imagine that when other issues such as: is mother-in-law gon' live with us, private or public school for the kids, i'm Catholic and ur Jehovah's Witness…which religion are we going to raise our kids, are we moving to Atlanta or Maryland, and a myriad of other issues that come up…I imagine that such dismissive, my way or the highway attitude, will extend to those areas as well.

      Therefore, if my mate responded that way, it would be the beginning of the end, b/c tis a major red flag.

      If he responded this way however:

      "I have always assumed my wife would be taking my last name. I have never even considered that she would desire to hyphenate. Quite frankly, i'm surprised you're bringing this up, but the fact that you are means that it is important to you. I would love to know why you desire to hyphenate." That response alone shows so much understanding, that my compromising state would have no limits!!

  66. Come on ya tradition gets upgraded/altered/shifted/evolved and regardless of how you all want to put it, today the tradition of changing the last name is still alive and well … Just because you have a percentage of women being dissenters doesn't mean times have changed. Traditionalists generally start with their generation as they were growing up not what was going down in the 17 or 1800s, so chill with the social stigmas and mores that were established back then … they have no bearing in today's society.

    There are things in place that will change our children's tradition and their children's tradition. There are more women in college than men, Women can't cook ( ,-_-) … Women want everything just because they're women … Women are becoming more cynical … Divorce rates are increasing … Women are getting closer to equaling men in the workplace … Black people are unilaterally getting lighter … Interracial dating is increasing exponentially … Gay rights are becoming more prominent … With all that being said, times are changing, but hopefully the significance of the Man's role in the family dynamic doesn't get flushed down the toilet inside of a marriage.

    I'll end with this. Even though some of you fellas don't care either way about certain things, you must understand that yielding things to women that have been established by men for men (traditionally) only gives women more power and control, hence why we have so many dissenting women in certain areas that was once never a conversation. Don't get me wrong, i understand that certain things needed to be changed in order for a woman to advance and be great (i.e. Voting rights, more equal pay, employment rights, etc.), but right now i'm not talkin about that.

    It's like the man that's been in a 4 year relationship with his girl and never pressured her into giving head. They break up, she moves on thinking/assuming that orally stimulating her man is not apart of the deal and therefore she's lacking in skills and prolly walks around with the "That is beneath me" attitude. Even if it doesn't matter to you, You are a Man and you must uphold all things manly. You're effing it up for the rest of us. #ManLaw

    1. You are such a contradiction that I don't know what to say to you. I feel for your future Mrs.

      In one breath you say tradition gets altered, and in the other breath, you say that taking the man's last name is not an altered tradition, even though there are percentages of women who hyphenate. Isn't that the definition of an altered tradition?

      And then you have to audacity to tell me or whoever, to chill with social stigmas (i imagine them being sex b/f marriage, shacking up, open marriage) that were established back then b/c they have no bearing on today's society. Unlike, hyphenation, which ABSOLUTELY is responsible for the outcome of today's society, however, right? WOW! I'd like to give u a chance to ponder ur words.

      You're telling me that hyphenation has more bearing than sex before marriage??

      Then you go on to say that women must yield to things that has been established for men, by men…hmm…I wonder if all the women who cosigned ur earlier comments b/c they planned on taking their hubbies last names anyway, would cosign u now. Ur true colors are showing, proving my exact point (which I had you in mind):

      It's not the fact that you disagree, it's how u disagree that matters, and just like the cliche says that the way a man treats his mother, is the way he'll eventually treat his woman…it is also true here. The way u respond to this matter, shows ur true spirit and character, and we'd have more issues than name changes. That cliche about how a man treats his mom came out of experience. A woman prob dismissed how rude her man was being to his mom, b/c he treated HER like a queen. That is until they said "I DO," and his rudeness extended to her as well. She thinks he has changed, when i reality, he had shown himself all along…she just missed the red flag! And then bam…she gets an epiphany…"OMG, he's treating me like he's treating his mother. THERE IS a correlation." Right, homey. There always is!

      1. Okay it seems as if imma have to break it down for you. I'll start with tradition. Tradition doesn't start by a small percentage of people adopting or wanting to adopt a way of life, it starts with not only the majority, but a large majority taking on that said life move and once it's been established, it continues and flourishes. So YES tradition may start with a small percentage of ppl adopting a practice, but that doesn't make it tradition YET. Examples of altered/evolved/shifted traditions: The voting regime, the workplace regime, the fact that more women are in college then men, divorce settlements, couples finding the sex of their baby before they were born, the rise of the single parent household … Those are all scenarios where tradition isn't like it was before. But also those are all situations that were natural progression of things or societal woes (single parents, divorce).

        I'm all for women rights and equality (in some respect), but we all have roles … some can be altered and others should/ can not. I think there should be a ceiling in regards to those roles. Men aren't overstepping their boundaries in general to gender roles, but women are. I believe that women are forcefully taking away traditions (i.e. the name change thing) and are using independence, education and level of support or lack thereof as the reason why.

        I'm not at all comparing name changing to social stigmas and mores, but i'm keeping current with modern-day tradition (which isn't the hyphen thing yet). Women wanting to keep or hyphenate their name doesn't equal tradition, especially when, as evident here, men aren't agreeing. Change in philosophy maybe, change in tradition No. Black people wanting and receiving "equal" rights wasn't tradition until The Gov't (white people) granted it. Tradition is unilateral, not one-sided.

        And your entire last paragraph is unfounded and since you don't know me or my relationship with my mother, it lacks credibility. My opinion on THIS matter has zero correlation to how i relate to my mother or any woman. You're an intelligent, soon to be Doctor/Ph.D and I appreciate your rebuttals to me, but i don't know you enough to make any judgement on your spirit or character nor will i even infer such because of any comment u make. I suggest you do the same.

        This defiant norm in women that's recently been established is mind blowing. Some women no longer want to support, but be the Head and backbone of a relationship and marriage, due to social, economical, and educational progressions. Almost cutting the man completely out. All these rights and accomplishments have resulted in this beast that lacks humility and the idea of supporting anyone but herself and her child, if present. Obviously i'm not speaking on all women, but there's a growing subset of Wonder Women that want it all and want to see men crawling at their feet, but to me it just sounds like a lot of lonely nights to come. Call it revenge or whatever, but it's never as sweet as it may look/sound.

        1. @TOP, to be clear, i wasn't at all inferring that you disrespect ur mother, and therefore will disrespect ur woman. I definitely was using that comparison as a basis for correlation. Therefore, i was correlating ur male chauvinistic attitude towards hyphenation towards other areas of ur person. And u proved me right the audacious statement that women must yield to things made for men, by men. Which things are u even talking about?

          But, we shall agree to disagree…and as I've said, u'll be sure to find a woman who agrees to ur beliefs. Surprisingly, I did a poll in my medical class, and most said they wouldn't care. Most of them are caucasian, indian, high socio-economic class, with several professional degrees. I wonder if there's a correlation in that audience compared to the SBM audience. I'm not making any assumptions however.

        2. I'm not a male chauvinist by the way … There are very few things that i feel strongly about as it relates to men and women relations that a woman should yield to … The name thing is one. And yes that may have been a poorly used statement (the audacious one) if not totally cleared up and if in the wrong hands. I think the man should be the Head of the household, he should be the provider (even if she makes more), he should be the protector, etc. Those are the type of things that women should yield to (or support). I'm not saying what men says should go, but there are certain things that should be exclusive provinces to men as the same for women.

          As far as your poll i'is concerned,d rather not compare my heritage and personal opinions on matters to a caucasian/Indian, high socio-economically classed, professional degreed individual. My Big Ten Accounting Degree may pale in comparison, but my opinion on this matter doesn't make me a less rational person in the general sense.

        3. you constantly put words in my mouth, Top5. Seriously, it's insulting.

          I NEVER said "Top, you're a male chauvinist pig!"

          I DID say, "Top, your stance on THIS issue, is pretty chauvinistic."

          You're like something (simile) and you are something (metaphor) are very different.

        4. That was just a disclaimer Tash … i wasn't saying u called me one .. That statement was just in case you or anyone else was thinking it based off of this issue, since people are so quick to correlate these days. My intent is not to insult.

        5. I appreciate the clear up. I also appreciate the softening of your tone. I'm more quick to nod in agreement, and hear you out when your or anyone's tone is softened.

          All in all, I respect the message behind ur opinions. I understand where they come from. I don't wholeheartily agree nor did i enjoy the way it was projected. But I appreciate the change in tone.

          Have an awesome Thursday…while I die slowly in this 8-hr-class! 🙁 Back to it!!

  67. Long time lurker, first time commenter.

    I will not be changing my name, not for any big reason but because it is mine and I like it.

    None of my grandmas changed their name and were married for 56 and 40 years respectively before death did them part, my mother changed hers because she wanted to. It is not really a tradition where I come from so I will not be changing it.

  68. Just my 2 cents …. THERE IS something that comes from keeping the maiden name in there so I say Hyphenated is great (until some convincing argument changes my mind) and I say HELL TO THE NAW (Whitney style) to hyphenating children names!! Children should carry the last name of their father and if HIS is hyphenated … yuh dun fuked up marrying him anyway…..

  69. Ladies, You have no excuses, and all the "reasons" you gave for hyphening your name are weak , and inadmissible.

    1: "I have too many accomplishment attached to my name" and? So the minute you change your name people are going to mysteriously forget all that you accomplished? i don't think so , to those that love you you will still be "Mrs Bachelor/own everything in the world", No one can take that away from you.

    2: "my names means too much to me" Enough said you don't need to get married, it's just you and your name against the world.

    3: " It's mine and i like it " I guarantee you, your man LIKES his freedom, but you swear that if he loves you, he must give it up right? Wrong, If you won't take his name, you guys can stay girlfriend/boyfriend

    Ladies, men are indeed unfair, but we are almost up there with them in the unfairness, For example i flip the hell out when my husband leaves his clothes on the floor, but i double dare him to tell me anything when my clothes are on the floor, I will lit into him in three different languages, and I'm the only one that cook, even when i'm sick as a dog, the alternative is eating out, which I'm trying to avoid since it's so unhealthy, but he tried to make me some eggs LORD JESUS i almost died, My point is marriage is about concessions ,My single, in a complicated relationships ex girlfriends used to say that i was my husband's slave and what not, but to this day I'm the only one with a ring on my finger and drama less marriage, not to say it makes me better than them, but since being married seems to be what they are searching for, you do the math .

    Seriously girls, if you don't want to change your name, you have the chance to live in a country where you can make that choice, but just know that you have sent a clear message to your man, You can't even abide by this act of commitment , why should he be fully committed to you ?

    1. Does changing , hyphenating your name, giving his name to the children you have together guarantee you a happy drama free marriage? How is changing my name an act of commitment if it is not an issue to the two people involved? I have a choice to keep my name and I will keep it for the sole reason that I can and like it.

      And for the record I LOVE my freedom too, just as much as he does.

    2. What trips me out, is that you all constantly correlate desire to hyphenation (no matter the cause) to becoming a bad wife, who's very independent, yet wants to continue following other traditions, and a whole lot of other assumptions.

      From what rat's ass are you getting these assumptions from?

      Have you done a research poll, that all women who hyphenate get divorced sooner or are in loveless marriages?

      It's simply a choice/desire that has no bearing on the woman's character or the longevity or happiness of her marriage.

      Top5 correlates this to women wanting to take over roles that are only meant for men.

      You people clearly have some bad experiences that are overextending to this isolated topic of convo.

      Seriously, chill out! It's not that serious. We are just stating a preference, for various reasons.

      Marriages fail for MUCH greater reasons, I promise you.

      The men in my social circle have no problems with this, and surprise surprise, seem to measure "not fully committed" on different terms. I'm happy that u found what works for u, and so will I.

      #thatisall

      1. I don't mean to correlate, but I'm also including other conversations (here on SBM and abroad) with women on various topics. This topic may have been the straw that broke the camels back, i guess.

  70. I swear, if I hadn't read the passionate comments…that are still coming…I wouldn't have known that this whole hyphen matter such a big deal to men or women, lol…

    I've seriously discussed marriage with two men and I only remember having the "what would you do with your name" conversation with my homegirls, lol…never had a guy even bring it up. *shrugs*

  71. Yea, it's not that big a deal…my issue is with what I like to call 'chest beaters' though. Men, who forget that all a woman does in love and support of him is a choice and not some unbreakable blood oath. Who have a perpetual list of 'non negotiables'. Everyone has their non negotiables (and yes, they sometimes smack of hypocrisy, I get that), but 'chest beaters' think that every word that falls from their mouth must be a proclamation, somehow EVERYTHING is non negotiable. Except for my personal non negotiables of course, that must always bend to the weight of his *rolls eyes* And all in the name of being a 'real man' or the 'ManLaw' as the gentleman above so appropriately put it.

    …Thats weak. And something in there set off my sexism alarm. If you want me to support you, present your point to me like we walk on two legs now instead of four. Don't beat your chest at me and try to throw me over your shoulder. The way Streetz presented his feelings on the matter was very classy, very understandable…but some of the co-signing seemed like chest beating. Frankly, is that was on behalf of ManLaw, then you wasted your time because that just dealt it another blow. A decision that regards how two people are planning their life together somehow turns into a example that must be made on behalf of Mankind? lolz wowwwww.

    1. Women are just as much as chest beaters as men are. I agree that there's been a lot concerning this topic (I've participated), but what makes makes this "Chest Beating" any different from the woman choosing the child's last name or deciding what to do with the raising of her child (i'm comparing the act of chest beating and not the topics). It happens on both sides … This quote black women have been using for years, "Girrrrrrrlllllllllll [insert proclamation here]" <—– Chest beating.

      I understand anyone's natural inclination to dissent from someone proclaiming anything and for that i've kind of backed down from it and did more explaining than beating. You dig, you dig … You don't, you don't … Dislikes are apart of life.

  72. I must say, as I close off another long day, this is the first time that I've seen topic almost fully expand two days of comments. We almost reached 300 comments!!

    I wouldn't mind revisiting a similar topic or the same one revisited from a different perspective in the future.

    Because it is obviously still one that brings lots of contention amongst us…and I would've never known!

    Great topic, Streetz!

  73. Wait, wait, wait. Is not taking your name a serious dealbreaker? You claim that women want all the glory without any of the work and thats why she has to take your name. But statistics prove that is often the women doing most of the housework and childbearing in a household, not the men. And what if we make the same amount of money? What then? I can't believe people line-item relationships like that. "I did this for you, so you gotta do this for me." What? What happened to unconditional love?

    My feeling is when in love, fleeting things like names shouldn't really matter. I personally would be leaning toward not changing my name at all in marriage, for reasons that many stated above. Having the woman change her name lumps a heavy workload on the woman in order to get her life in order. She would be the one that has to stand on all the lines and call all the agencies in order to get all her documents changed, while he has no workload at all.

    Now, the right husband who wants his wife to change her name will chip in on this work and split it evenly, and then he has a argument, which I would certainly consider. But at the end of the day realize – its not your choice alone. Its one of the first choices you make as a couple and both parties should be heard.

    For the men that feel as though it is their "right" to have a wife with their name – that is absurd. You're right – all the extras that come with marriage like the ring, the wedding, etc can also be absurd. That is why its so important to remember why you're getting married in the first place and leave this fleeting stuff behind.

  74. Furthermore, changing names is about changing identity. Yes, you did change your identity when you get married so why should only the woman have to change her name?

    People say that a hypen is like going into the marriage halfway. Should we not get pre-nups either? Is that going into the marriage halfway. Some decisions are just smarter for your situation – it isn't as cut and dry as people make it out to be.

  75. I had a conversation with my assistant principal and co-worker about this particular topic. My AP stated his wife sometimes uses his last name for some things and will use her maiden name for others. It just depended on what she felt like writing at the time. He told us he simply did not care which last name she used. My co-worker has a hyphenated last name but her students call her by the first letters of both of her last names (example Ms. H-K). Her last names, however, reflect the races of her parents. Being biracial, she is proud of her hyphenated name because it highlights her Japanese and Irish heritage. I suppose her parents wanted to ensure that both of their particular races would be represented in the form of her last names. I find that to be a thoughtful move.

  76. @after:

    I never said such things reading is definitely fundamental. I said that conceding on even the smallest issues in my marriage works wonder i.e: he picks his stuff off the floor or do the laundry,i cook. Since your husband does not mind you "keeping your name because you like it", you did even have to acknowledge my post, it's all good in your hood, however if it is an issue for your husband you should take his name SIMPLE as that.

    I refuse to even go into you "loving you freedom just as much as he does" I'm not one of these women that want to go neck and neck with a man, have fun with that 😉

  77. "A lot of us just follow what was passed down from our family. That’s okay with some things but not everything." – The Artist FKA Beef Bacon, lol

    My thing is, what if you do know? Why are traditions a bad thing? Like I said above I have white in my family and thats where my last name is derived. Im proud of it and know where I come from, so why should I not want to pass it down?

    If people are so entrapped by names that they want to change them, fine. Not me though. This to me is a correlation fo the n-word debate.

    Respect the discussion. This is awesome!

  78. Mad late on this but going to post anyway.

    Here is how I see it. When we get married your father (family) gives you to me to become apart of my family and the two of us become one union.

    For me there is no room in that for you trying to keep one foot out the door by keeping your last name. What purpose have you for keeping your name? What sense is there, if we have children, for you to be the only one in the household of a different name? Exactly what are you hanging on to?

    And I'm not with this stuff about "losing your identity" either. Those who truly know you will still know you with a different last name. Whatever respect you have earned and possess as Debbie Johnson on Friday will still be there as Debbie Smith on Monday. Your personality as not changed. Your reputation amongst your peers has not changed. So exactly what part of your identity is lost? I've also heard comments like "well if your last name has a certain respect attached to it…." STOP NOW! Whatever respect or honor there is attached to your families last name is something that was not earned by you. So telling me that you want to keep it so you can continue to leech off it first, is an invalid excuse in my book and secondly, tells me that you think less of my family and wish not to fully be associated with it.

    1. Therein lies the problem – a supposed "ownership" of the woman. My father does not own me, so he cannot give me away to you. That idea is archaic. Does my father decide when I can leave the house? Does my father accompany everywhere I go? Did my father choose my husband? No, no and no. So why do I belong to him? And why, after I get married, do I subsequently belong to you? If I don't "belong" to you per se, then why is it so pertinent I change my name?

      What if I want to keep my name simply for the reason that I want to keep it? Is that really something you can't imagine/can't accept? I didn't ask you to change your name; why exactly are you asking me to change mine? Its revolutionary, but why not just keep the names we were born with – or have us both change our names. Split the burden evenly.

      I think that it really boils down to an ego thing. Men don't want to be the one dude with the wife who didn't change their name. It may make them look weak.

      Truthfully, we are equals – we belong to each other. So to have only one person taking on the burden of the union is unfair. I'm not sure why you would take it as a personal attack, or think of it as me not wanting to be associated with you or your family. The fact is, it doesn't have to be so patriarchal. We can belong to each other without changing any names – or both changing our names. Why must the woman be the only one who adopts something new after marriage?

  79. Your name is your identity, getting rid of your maiden name is paramount to redefining yourself through your husband's identity, Which is fine if you are in that kind of marriage. However, if you want to be married and retain your identity as an individual, I don't think you should be resented by your husband for holding on to your own name. It is a privilege that men take for granted, and I find it hypocritical that this blogger can't seem to comprehend why a woman doesnt just get over it and drop her name, while the mere suggestion that the child not even drop the fathers name, just hyphenate it to include the mother's identity, is blasphemous. He goes from, a-woman's-name-isnt-all-that-important to I'll-be-damned-if-my-offspring-doesn't-have-my-name-cause-you-know-how-important-names-are in the space of a paragraph. Pick a side.

  80. I think that keeping ones last name is not necessarily a sign of narcissism but may be based on what her family wants. In my case , I have two other sisters and no brothers and I think there is some apprehension in the fact that my father would have no way to pass on our last name because he doesn't have a son. Thus, a hyphenated last name is a way of satisfying all parties involved. Not to mention I have a very cool last name so this gives me more of a reason to eire on the side of hyphenating. In both these incidences hype aged would be for me but if i had children it would be easier for them to take on their fathers last name.

  81. I just got married and although my last name is long I chose to hyphen. For the simple fact that my maiden name means alot to me as I am close to my family. My husband however has a broken family and I do not feel that his last name means very much to me except for the fact that it is his. And I am known in my work and locally as my maiden name. When we have children they will take his name as their father is my husband. People who critisize what a woman is like by how she wants her last name really are judgemental and need to see that if they were the female how would they feel if their maiden name was dying off and they are 'expected' to take the mans. Then they have to give birth to the children etc etc. Why cant the man have to change his name? I am all for tradition but with circumstances of the name change woman should not be judged as their name may actually mean more then the males does.

    1. Oh and I did consult my husband who agreed with my point of view and said he didnt mind if I did or not as marriage is not about the name its about honesty etc. I still use his name with most things unless it is where my maiden name is needed to be recognised for work etc. It isnt harming anyone and certainly isnt harming my husband. Hes just happy that i took his name at all. Which of course is the main thing that I am linked to him in someway 🙂

  82. Can some of you actually see what you are writing? your opinions are ridiculous, and yes they are opinion.
    Who cares a lot of people say, traditions a lot of you say, no way, OMFG if she does this then F**K her. This is all quite ridiculous.
    I am a barrister, I have inherited important estate, I am the only one qualified to carry on the family name through my children. I have always as a child wanted to be married and have children etc, not because it is the dream but because children are our future, and they have a father, my best friend etc.
    You talk about tradition, I am not saying that taking or not taking your husband’s name is good or bad, but we do not live in a world where tradition rules. A woman had to take her husband’s name because she moved from being her father’s possession to being her husbands, this included no rights over property, no rights to vote, no rights to have a career, no rights to choose whether she had children or not or how many, this tradition included the prospective husband paying a dowry to the bride’s father and asking him permission for her hand. We do not live in this era, we have moved on. Up until 1991 a husband would not be convicted if he raped his wife, because in the eyes of the law when you married, you agreed to have sex and commit your body to him under any circumstances, a outdated law etc that shows us where marriage came from. Marriage was a form of ownership and movement of property and money.
    Do you blind people not see what it is not about this anymore? I have a career, I own large amounts of property pertaining to the hard work of my family, the family who have my maiden name, I can vote, have a career, own property, if i don’t want to have sex i don’t have to, i can even get divorced. I have a hyphenated name because my career depends on it, changing it this late into my career would dissolve all my efforts and accomplishments, it is inherit that the property I leave to my children is noted to have stayed with my family in clear documentation. Just because I hyphenated my name does not mean I: do not intend to be married forever, love him unconditionally, respect his name, respect him and his family, do not take marriage seriously. However you do realise with change of society that marriage is absolute now? I mean marriage IS only beneficial to the poorer party in the marriage.

    Oh and a few other things you ignorant people have mentioned, protect and proved? Are you serious? We can’t work and provide for ourselves? Men sacrificing? You do realise that we are equal right? We have the same things to sacrifice and to risk. Forcing this on our children, it is a name, not a inherited choice that MUST be made or followed, we are born free thinkers and do not inherit the same opinions and choices, how moronic some of these comments get.

    I hyphenated my name, his came first because it flowed better that was, we discussed it and he as my best friend and partner, knew why I was insistent on doing it, and our children having that name, and he understood, he was not under pressure to mirror my choice. Quoting him “You are wearing a ring, married, publically stated your love and vows to me etc. This was about the next step, not tradition but being together in every way, and having a united front… but legally… lowered taxes, bigger benefits, our children will be looked upon differently in specific circles etc… the list goes on.
    Is it not about preference? And the fact that you all whiter on about no ways and oh my gods and she can pay for this and do that if she decided. You really need to wake up, as you guys are behind time, and if you argue or get heated over such things then good luck in your relationship, because there are deeper problems…

    So I hyphenated my name, my children have that name, I am happily married, we both are, we both have prestigious careers, our children are happy in their life (the most important thing) I will go to the grave with my hyphenated name. Wait for me to get my Kevlar before you shoot me for being a dirty woman who disregards tradition… tradition what? Hand me my corset etc…

  83. I think what a lot of what is being said on this website is TERRIBLE! You think that the woman should just change her name and if she doesn't want to she's not committed enough to you. You all don't want equal partnerships. You want a follower and not a partner! You want to always have the last word and rule over your wives. You want to be a king, have a kingdom and your loyal subjects will be your wife and children. Her individuality will fade away and she will be in your shadow.

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