Home Featured [Single Black Mail] To have love and lost…

[Single Black Mail] To have love and lost…

246

What’s good everyone,

The award winning Single Black Mail series returns and returns in a  BIG way! Today we have a classic email for you, one that I think we can all relate to or have heard before. So big, that we will drop the letter, and let the SBMassive assist in the comments, including the writers! Check it out and enjoy!!



 One night, I’m at the club with my boys. One of them, let’s call him Corey meets this chick (lets call her Samantha) and her homegirls. She has this one friend, a pretty dark skinned girl, but she wasn’t my type. I like chicks that are LHTRB (long hair, think red bone). Corey & Samantha hit off and I go with him to meet up with her b/c she was staying with the dark skinned chick, let’s call her Stacy, while she’s in town.  So when we get to the house, Stacy opens the door and I was like damn, she looks better than I thought. She tells me how she just bought her home and gives me a tour to show me the renovations she’s making. They cooked dinner, we watched the game and by the end of the night I was feeling her.

A few months had gone by we were together pretty much every day.  Let me just say this, I get it in. I usually spend about week at the most with a chick and that’s it. I travel often with my job, so usually I meet a chick on the road and deal with her in her city and I’m out. I’m not the relationship type, PERIOD so spending so much time with this girl was a stretch for me, but I was willing to do it. She was so different from the other chicks I mess with, usually its some girl with a big ass, I spend money on her, she can’t  hold a conversation, but gives good head. But Stacy was ambitious, set goals for herself, had a real career and could cook her ass off. She always had a smile on her face and genuinely cared about people. She grew on me and I felt myself falling her and it scared the shit out of me. I could tell she was falling for me too, she started to make everything about us. I would be an ass and try to cancel dates and she would move her entire schedule around just to spend time with me. She did what could to accommodate me and make sure I was happy. Something in me had changed because of Stacy and as good as it felt I couldn’t take it and I need to be my old self.

An opportunity came up with my job to be out of town for a few months and I tried my hardest be on that project. I told her like two days before I was leaving, I knew it hurt her but I needed to get my old self back. When I left she called, left a few messages but I never called her back. I wanted a clean break. I went back to my old ways. When the project was over I came back home and thought about her. I drove past her house one afternoon saw her car and called her, asked if I could come in since I was outside already. Her voice was different, but I thought it was just because I was an ass to her and there was tension, but I knew I could talk her into getting over that. When she opened the door it looked like the life had been sucked out of her, she tried to sound happy and smile and ask me about my project but I wanted to know what was wrong. It felt like I was pulling teeth, but she finally told me what was wrong.

After I left a friend (this sneaky motherf*ucker who would always be at her house “studying” since she was in grad school and he was in law school, but both of them said it was strictly platonic) told her that he could “ease the pain I put her though”.  Long story short, she’s about 6 weeks pregnant and he wants her to abort it because the girlfriend he never told her he had would probably leave him. Now I know for any other man this would be a RED FLAG TO LEAVE NOW!!! As much as my mind told me to leave, my heart wouldn’t let me. Somehow I felt responsible, so I stayed until she fell asleep later that night, I watched her sleep for a while turned on her alarm system and left.

That was about a week ago and honestly I feel fucked up on the inside. I feel like I had the chance to be in love with this amazing woman who was everything I ever wanted and I fucked it up. I didn’t protect her or love her the way I should have. I had the chance to man up and be her hero, but I let her down and I can’t say enough about how fucked up I feel on the inside. I think about what we could’ve had by now and its getting to me. Honestly the first thought that came into my head was that that baby growing in her should be mine. I want to be there, I want to experience that journey with her and be the man she needs. I think since I feel that way about her, it must mean that I more in love with her than what I thought. I want to step up to the plate and make her situation right. My boys are telling me that I am being stupid and need to let her be, but I don’t know. Let me know what y’all think b/c I don’t know if I’m tripping or what?

What Would You Do?

Comment(246)

  1. I think sometimes, as men we know what we're supposed to do. I think somewhere in the deep convoluted recesses of our minds we know what's right and wrong. In this case I think homey knew from pretty early on that this chick was supposed to be the one. By allowing fear and the pressure of habitual behavior to weigh to heavily in the decision making process he made the wrong choice.

    Speaking directly to homey (if you're reading): In terms of where to go next, I think you should take some time away from shorty… not too long, but enough time for you to figure out whether or not you're being influenced by guilt or whether you're being influenced by real feelings you might have for this woman. If it's the former than you need to just let it go, move on and don't be scared next time. If the feelings are real… then there's no need to rush into anything. Be there for her through this pregnancy (Don't smash because smashing a chick who's pregnant with another dudes baby is a man-law violation in the first degree – regardless of how much of a douche that dude was). Once the baby arrives and she starts to settle into motherhood then you can start to figure out where to take your relationship next. It's a long haul. But if your feelings are real and you feel like she deserves it, then take your time, man up and do what you gotta do. If it's guilt… just move on and be better. That's it I guess.

        1. I just cant agree with this. I think it should depend on your intentions.

          Ive had a friend find someone while pregnant. Married 8 years. If the guy doesnt want anything to do with you then you are free to keep living.

        2. …the hell??????

          Most, you shouldn't have even taken the time to address or elaborate on that ignorant mess. Chexin a woman who's pregnant with some other man's baby is just…not right on any level.

          I got an attitude now…call me naive…but I just never considered that grown-tailed men would do such a thing… -__-

      1. Yes, but that mistake seems to happen continuously with you guys! And this is def not me male bashing or anything. This is me having male friends and hearing "Damn I think I effed that up" way too often. Are you guys really that afraid of love…?

    1. (I commented a bit on this down thread) Talking about this specific situation, he didn't realize it was a good thing AFTER he left the situation….he already knew and realized it was a good thing when dating her and he got scared so he ran b/c he felt he wasn't ready to settle down just then. He didn't have any eureka moment afterwards…his feelings never went away. He pretty much clearly states this in his letter.

      Now speaking in general on why men make the same mistake…men are human. Anytime anyone eats some sort of fried food/candy (anything not healthy for you) they know they are making a "mistake" with their health…then when they hit 45 and need triple by-pass they say "Dang I think I effed up.." happens all the time. Sometimes it takes that first rude awakening to get you on the path to a better lifestyle. (per what herbetteroption was eluding to).

      As a contrarian theory, women should be somewhat glad men make "that mistake". Think about it…many women (not all) that are married have husbands that probably dated someone prior to her that he felt he "effed up" on…now she is reaping the benefits of his prior mistake.

      1. At the end of the day, with all the "mistakes" that both men and women make in dating, you only need to be correct once for true happiness (assuming marriage here). That's it.

    2. People always say we never know what we've lost until it's gone. Truth is, we always know what we have, we just never expect to lose it.

  2. Long time reader, first time commenting because this is some BS…she raw dogged pretend to be friend dude and he turned out to be the cornball pretend to be true friend dude we those dudes are, granted you effer up and missed out on a decent chic, but really she is pregnant with another dudes baby. What do you want? To go back in the past, well you can't! Move on!

    Not trying to sound like some angry chic because I'm in a great relationship and since I am, I know that's random raw sex encounters are for ratchets, she isn't who you thought she was, yes you messed up but really her situation is the next Maury (or any daytime show) episode. Yes you shouldn't have run before, but don't stay now

    1. If I may add….thats assuming she let the guy have sex with her raw. No where in the letter does the writer say "Stacy" told him she had unprotected sex and got pregnant. People still get pregnant off of broken condoms. Just be careful the advice isnt skewed to what the type of "ratchet person" you think Stacy may be. There definitely isnt enough evidence to point fingers to her character… I think advice can only be administered after analyzing the facts given…..thats just my opinion

      1. @QueenB

        I agree… I could careless if she is ratchet or not… I just know from a rational point of view, that she doesn't make a good wife…

        A wife in my opinion, would be responsible enough to use birth control… and/or only give up her goodies to men who put alot of investment in her… (a marriage license, maybe…?)

        Now, she is being degraded to kill her child, not because it is the right thing to do… But because the dad is worried about HIS girlfriend finding out & leaving him…

        But I am a bad guy for losing respect for the poor girl… While her potential child is set up to rob the bank I might be in 20 years…

        Or make the same poor choice if she is a girl…

        At some point you have to let people drown in their poor choices…

      2. @QueenB

        To hold out and say, "people still get pregnant from broken condoms" is one of the most foolish things that people continue to say. Fact of the matter is this, even having sex without condoms does not get you pregnant. Mother Nature needs to still do her part to put you in a position to get pregnant. A lot of times when people tell me, "the condom broke" or "the doctor switched my birth control," I quickly tell them, that while i'd like to believe them the chances of you getting pregnant are still slim. It's one of the biggest lies that couples tell when explaining their pregnancies. Simply put, even without condoms couples still have to work to get pregnant. It rarely happens after one time, usually after several times of unprotected sex. Therefore, the assumption would be correct here to assume they were not using condoms. If the rebuttal was that the condom broke, I would be very skeptical given the facts around how women actually become pregnant.

        1. Um…are you serious? I have to disagree…

          I know so many pregnancies that happened while the couple was trying to prevent it. I'm talking people taking birth control regularly (without switching), and even some married couples that definitely didn't want anymore children. All kinds of things… I even have friends who are here because such a "mishap" happened. And thank God for them.

          Maybe some people get pregnant easier than others.

        2. @Dr. J Mmm… not sure this applies to everyone. I was extremely fertile. With my first there wasn't multiple attempts, but I learned that I had to be extremely regimented with birth control. With my second, when I decided to get pregnant after being on birth control for over 5 years straight I was pregnant before the month was out. With my third, I was switching birth control pills, got caught up in the moment with the hubby and bam – number three. So, again less than a month had passed and while I still had pill type #1 in my system and pill type #2 building momentum, we forgot the condom and well, he'll be 14 in January. I know TMI, but it clearly happens.

          On another note, what happened to the morning after pill? If they knew the condom broke (assuming that's what happened) and they both sound like intelligent aware individuals, why not take the extra step of after-the-fact precaution.

        3. Oh goodness *sigh*

          If you don't think ppl still get pregnant off of broken condoms than that hints of being under-educated about sex…that is all,

          As a woman, trust me, condoms still do break, conception still takes 72 hours, and it doesn't take a whole wollop of s.perm to get a lady pregnant

          Really I'm beggining to think you like contradicting my points 🙂

        4. I am not contradicting to contradict, all of you present counterarguments, however, I did not say it wasn't possible. I said that the correct assumption is that protection was not used.

          Birth control when taken properly is 99.9% effective.

          Condoms when worn correctly are 75% effective.

          So… let's think about logically, what's the correct assumption? The correct assumption is that condoms were not used. The correct assumption is that birth control was not used. Because there's a rare chance that you get pregnant when you use the appropriate measures.

      3. "People still get pregnant off of broken condoms."

        Not if she's on birth control. And don't give me the "well some birth control fails" B.S.

        1. How is it BS if it's true?

          All BC minus the IUDs say 99% (and IUDs you can't get unless you have a medical condition or have been married or have children already). *shrug* and that's with an extremely regimented 'i take my pill at the same time everyday' type of person.

        2. if all BC is 99% effective, then i always find it ironic that women know SO man women in that 1%….that's why I call B.S.

          If BC had the failure rate that women CLAIMED it did, it'd be Snatched off the shelves in a heartbeat.

          the "Birth control failed" excuse is used as an excuse way too much. The birth control didn't fail….YOU failed.

        3. Yeah, see the thing that people fail to realize about these statistics is that condoms are x-amount% effective IF USED CORRECTLY. Check the stats on how many people actually use bc of any form correctly 100% of the time and you will see that the % of failure is a helluva lot bigger than everyone likes to pretend it is.

        4. I gotta agree and call foul on the birth control failure rate. These things range from 95%-99.9% effective. Effectiveness of condoms is around 85%. Aint no way in the world that many couples are ending up pregnant when using it properly. What really is happening is somebody fcuking up and forgetting the damn thing.

        5. So wait y'all meant to say is that you have a bunch of friends who don't know how to use condoms properly?

          #AightBet

        6. Real talk, my homeboy just told me last week about an incident…AND the fact that he kept going for a bit cause she didn't realize it had broken. He felt bad and stopped…never finished. This same homeboy also told me about an incident a while back with his ex-gf…who I'd bet isn't on BC cause she fluctuates between holy-roller "no chex" status and buckling under pressure from him. They didn't engage often. She did end up preggo…they aborted it.

          Do I think it happens all the time, naw. But, to say that it doesn't at all or that "uh oh's" can't be the result isn't accurate either.

          About birth control…you rush in the morning, if you forget your pack, the pack falls behind something, you drop the pill and it rolls somewhere unreachable…things can happen that don't mean your irresponsible that can prevent you from taking it at the SAME TIME EVERY DAY. Not to mention that your hormone levels and other medical conditions/medications can effect how things play out…making you part of the 5% that run into problems.

          Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to defend her, really…I think it's probable that she & her study buddy were being reckless. But, that remaining 5% is there…someone's got to fall into that category sometimes. Most women, no. Some women, yes.

          But, I also question how fanatical some of you guys are regarding contraceptives or risks, lol. Maybe it's the cynic in me…maybe I've heard too many stories from ratchet men or people caught up in the moment to believe that the scenario is always, "Hey…looks like its going down tonight. Are you on BC? No? Well, I'm gonna go cause God forbid this condom breaks and you get preggo…since you can actually get pregs off the clear stuff and all. Don't wanna chance that since I jacked off earlier today and haven't pissed three times yet…" Whateva, lol…

        7. for real I gotta agree with Lady NGO and Dr. J. most people aren't using condoms correctly and every time and you really dont' have to take BC pills at the same time every day, but you DO have to take them every.single.day. People eff up with that more than the time, and that drops it from 99% effectiveness. But I don't believe all these mistake babies came from men using condoms properly and women using bc properly. sure don't. people are neglectful on both sides.

      4. I have never in all my 31 years heard of anyone's condom breaking. Where are you purchasing these condoms that are breaking? Are they old or expired?? This has never happened to me either. I have to agree with Dr. J and say that usually when I hear someone say the condom broke, I don't believe them, and either the condom was used improperly or wasn't used at all.

        I feel the same way about the pill, which is considered to be 99% effective, WHEN USED CORRECTLY. People who got pregnant while on the pill were either not taking it regularly (not using it correctly) or weren't on the pill at all. The Pill works and so do condoms! Homegirl probably did not use protection.

        1. +1

          I pretty much said the same. and I've never had a condom break on me either. if its breaking they are probably old condoms. if its slides off, its because they are wearing a magnumXL when they prob need good old regular sized trojans. #IJS

        2. To be honest, in my experience when the condom breaks it's Stop-Drop & Roll.

          STOP pumping, DROP the issue, ROLL to the nearest pharmacy and purchase Plan B.

          And i'll stop mid-coitus to do that too.

        3. DR Js stop drop roll comment= 100000 likes

          Condoms break due to friction. if they dry, and you dont switch, they can break. this is why you should switch condoms during elongated se x sessions

    2. But why do the circumstances really matter anyway? This isn't about her or her situation. It's about selfish ass Corey.

      1. @Tramayne

        Well to a certain extent it is about corey b/C its hard being responsible for another man's child especially if your messing with the women your homeboy got pregnant. People are questioning how she got pregnant to figure out if she's telling half truths or whole lies.

        I'll have to go with the fellas on this one. While condoms and bc do fail, its very rare that ppl are getting pregnant b/c the condom broke or their bc does'nt work. A more reasonable situation would be "corey we got caught up in the moment and didn't use a condom and – also forgot to take my pill. But while they may have been using condoms 90% of the time that other 10% got them caught up. It happens

        1. I love how all the ratchett blame went straight to her…guess we all overlooked the fact that study buddy was also present at said chexual encounter and (regardless of whether bc was used or failed or whatever) had a girlfriend whom he conveniently neglected to mention (placing gf at risk of STD's etc) AND committed the cardinal sin of requesting that she get an abortion to cover his own indiscretions!

          Not defending her, just noting the direction in which the scorn landed…

          Anyway, back to her being a ratchett…

        2. @MissMina………EXACTLY!

          Anywhoo its funny how this thread turned into a debate about the effectiveness of BC. People get grown and forget that it only takes one mishap to get pregnant. Not everyone is "here" due to the blatant disregard of using BC on a regular basis.

          It only takes ONE time without a condom, ONE time for the method of BC being used to fail and people TO THIS DAY still get pregnant off of "pre-come" whether amethod has failed or not being used. Open up your eyes men. The same people who seem to believe differently are the same people who are standing around looking dumbfounded when they find out they have one on the way…..Mr. "I dont know what happened, we used a condom" o_O

          Anyways My whole point with my original comment to maya was that IN MY OPINION assumptions should be left out when giving advice to people and a situation that you have very little knowledge of. @ Dr. J, maybe thats where we differ, I believe its wiser to analyze the facts given and you may think its harmless to assume. To each his own, I just believe sounder advice can be given if one logically deciphers facts, rather than interpreting information pulled out of the air. HOW "Stacy" got pregnant is neither here nor there in relation to the mans question as to what to do with HIS feelings

      2. "HOW “Stacy” got pregnant is neither here nor there in relation to the mans question as to what to do with HIS feelings"

        Exactly.

        1. But it plays apart… we know he's F'd up in this situtaion he was wrong and who knows if she will even take him back (SHe really should'nt) but part of the reason he feels such confussion is because the girl he thought was the one is having a baby by someone else.. Sometimes men feel entitiled to (P*$$y) That is really no longer theirs. Not saying its right but hey.

          While this slipt up does'nt make her ratched it does mean that now she is having a baby by a man that 1) has a girl B) Does'nt love her and C) Is a butt hole

  3. You just feel guilty right now. Leave. You weren't ready for a serious relationship with her before. There is very little likelihood you'll be ready and able to help her rear a child.

    1. That right there is the realist comment said today. You Corey werent ready to be in a great easy relationship how are you ready to be a dad. Sir either way this goes your maturity level is not ready to handle this type of relationship if she keeps it has an abortion any of that cause her emotions are going to be al over the place for a minute. you could handle simple and good how you gonna handle hard and bad?

  4. Just when I was making friends, I had to be confronted with this post… Sigh…

    DROP HER!!! Go f*ck ten women then re-evaluate your feelings… You'll feel much better & have more clarity…

    You were good when you were being an a$$… If she was really really super into you… She would have just chilled & had ice cream & movies with her girlfriends moaning & b!tching about you…

    I have seen & heard about how women are extremely loyal to attractive men… Regardless of how they treat these women… I tend to treat women way better… So, I expect no less from the women I interact with… #NeverSettle

    Instead she decided to have another man's seed pumped into her… That is not wifey material… (I wouldn't call her a wh*re tho… There was no commitment)

    I hope she keeps the child & let the dude who pumped her get put on "Adult" support… Do not help her raise that seed… It is not yours… Don't be a sucker, Don't be a Captain Save-A-Wh0re…

    If you want to keep her as a jumpoff, I understand… But cutting all ties is the safer bet… Err on the side of caution…

    SBM Massive, if you ever catch talking this wild sh*t at any point in the future… It is courteous of you, to smack fire outta me…

    This is about doing the right thing, over doing what is sentimental & what society expects you to do…

    Those Who Seek To Achieve Things Must Show No Mercy.

    —Kautilya, Indian Philosopher, Third Century, B.C .

    P.S. I didn't forget Dr. J…. Gotta shorten up my comment…

    1. wow, you're just a ray of sunshine today…"Corey" don't listen to him follow your heart…what does your heart tell you?…j/k..lol!

      1. I enjoyed that… @TooShy1

        The situation is too messy… And if she ends up doing him dirty in the future… Knowing the female hamster rational… You just made it easier for her to rationalize her bad behavior…

        Get a new broad

  5. Ok my first thought WOW you would help her raise the kid then on second thought……..
    GTFOH with that because to go from this whole she's not my type to – I spend everyday with her – to I'm out…..WTH??? Then you paint this picture of she's perfect but not so perfect cause she let her supposed friend sling naked rod and knock her up. **Queue super man music*** You're captain save a hoe now?????
    Dude does she even want you back? What's to stop you from bouncing again?
    My apologies for going in like this but this is just disturbing!

    1. Yea I agree that this guy sounds like he does not really know what he wants. He sounds wish-washy,and infatuated.

      I think he needs to get it together before he even tries to take on the responsibility of being there for this girl emotionally in such a serious situation.

    2. I'm right here with you. I can't even get mad at the woman for going after her study buddy as rebound. Didn't the dude asking the question readily admit to leaving her so he go back to having random casual coitus? And ignore her attempts at contacting him after giving a 2 day notice that he was leaving? He's mad because she was with someone else after he cut her out of his life? Seriously?

      I hope Ashley can figure something out though.

  6. The woman got herself into that situation. It is her responsibility to deal with the consequences of that situation. A person can't control what another person does, but Samantha can control how she responds to it and in this case she chose to deal with the "study buddy".

    Despite the situation, if Corey truly loves and cares for this woman – then be with her or otherwise be a friend to her only. However, don't base that decision out of guilt or feelings of trying to play hero. Remember, that woman is a grown up.

  7. Swear I must be a super softheart….am I the only one so far whos like ahh dang 🙁 ??? Seriously I'm shooting to make as unbiased an opinion as possible cause to me, blasting the girls character is extra. How do we know the condom didn't break or …..hell iont know. Something?! Lol All i'm saying is judgements aside…my best advice is don't get caught up in the moment and make promises you can't keep for a lifetime. You're talking about stepping up as a father to that child?? That. Is. Not. A. Game. If you weren't ready for a relationship w her at all, do you think you're really ready for a relationship AND a baby?!
    I'll just ask you to THINK instead of letting guilt, sympathy etc lead you to making promises you are not ready to keep. If feelings aside, you think you're "in love" and ready to be responsible for the long haul then I say God bless and good luck babe. (my bday just ended so i'm feeling really joyful and just wanting everybodies everything to be positive I guess lol)

  8. Honestly, I won't add salt to your wound, you are indeed a "f*cked up" individual. Leave thus woman alone and go back to your sneaky way you deserve the chicken heads you're used to.

    @The female : why would you let a man have so much power on you that he pushes you to mess your life up the way you did? If I were you I would abort the baby and move on with my life, If I were you, you do what you want.

  9. They are both at fault here. Him for effing up a good thing (for no reason other than his own foolishness and selfishness) and to an extent driving her into the arms of some chump and her for letting that dude sweet talk her outta the panties when she knew she was in a vulnerable place.

    But he needs to sit down and have a real conversation, with himself and with her, about whether or not this is what they both want. If he can live with the fact of raising someone else's kid (or having her back if she chooses to have an abortion or put the child up for adoption), then he has no reason to leave. Based on his description of her, she doesn't seem like a "ratchet" and that this was an isolated incident that occurred when they were pretty much broken up. (side-eye at the unfounded judgments)

    And if you decide to get back with her, please make sure it aint about guilt (even though u should feel guilty lol)

      1. um…nowhere did i say that him messing up a good thing equated to the pregnancy. him messing up was him bringing chaos and descension into the relationship (because of his own lack of direction and understanding of what he wants or is important) that eventually led to her sexing some other dude which also led to the baby.

        I clearly stated that the chick effed up by letting the latter half of that happen.

  10. That's not ya kid for a reason..Its really not clear right now what the reason is but over time you'll discovery why and be happy as hell that Gods in charge…(didn't mean to go church on you, but it is what it is..)

    I know you love her, but if she does decide to keep the baby her life will forever be different..it will never ever be what ya'll once was..but give it time and pray on it my dude

  11. If you're in love with who she truly is and just not some idea of what you two could be or could've been (because having some dudes baby definitely says she might not be who you thought she was), then sure. If the feelings are there and you can honestly commit, I would say go for it. People are always inclined to speak with their pride first, especially men, but pride doesn't always do you the favors you think it will.

    Though on the flip side, I have bore witness to the 'knight in shining armor syndrome': to love the idea and the feelings (and to a certain extent, the drama) that accompany being some woman's savior, but not the actual woman 'shrug'. Which ultimately results in more damage than there would've been initially.

    It's difficult to pas judgment, because you cant honestly say who these people are and therefore gauge their character, motives etc. But from where I stand, there is still promise in this relationship. Despite all the different ways this situation could become a nightmare, there is still promise. Personally, if a relationship that hadn't even technically begun tore me up so much, I'd re think washing my hands of the whole thing too.

  12. @ Malik I am stunned , I've never heard of a man other than my own, acknowledge how unfair some men are, Good for you , you're going to make some woman very happy

    1. Thank you. I just find it troublesome that people are fixated on making the conversation about the woman considering A. We don't know the circumstances of how she got pregnant (she could of been knowingly been unprotected, he could have slipped it off half way through without her consent, or anything in between) and B. Corey was voluntarily absent from her life for months on end despite that she attempted to maintain connection. The issue isn't and shouldn't be framed about her like it is.

      1. @Malik

        I was about to ask you "Would you take her back…?" But I already know the answer…

        Based on the facts…

        – The woman is not a h*e, She made a poor choice

        – Dude feels like he made a mistake & is allowing his sentimentality drive the bus…

        I am an advocate of tough love… And the woman needs to be curbed…

        1. Nope, because I'm obviously not emotionally equipped enough to handle a relationship or I don't want a relationship if I was the dude in this scenario. The situation with the woman is moot. She could have turned out to be crackhead hooker, won the lottery, or on her way to finishing whatever she's majoring in at school; it is irrelevant considering I've demonstrated I don't have a desire, drive or commitment to be in a relationship. That's fine too. I shouldn't be lying to women and more importantly myself that I do though.

      2. "she could of been knowingly been unprotected, he could have slipped it off half way through without her consent, or anything in between"

        if she was on birth control, none of that would've mattered.

        I see nothing wrong with her having the rebound sex, she's a smart girl in Grad School, I'm sure she knows how to prevent pregnancy.

        1. This is true. But birth control is a headache & it has side effects. Many women don't like to take it if we're not in a relationship or having sex regularly. Many times we rely primarily on condoms, and if we're (the man and the woman) not careful, this is what happens.

        2. "But birth control is a headache & it has side effects"

          ummmm……so does pregnancy.

          "Many times we rely primarily on condoms"

          well as a woman that's your fault and kind of reckless to put 100% of what happens to your body in the hands of a man. What if the condom breaks and he keeps going? What if he slips it off while it's hot and heavy and you don't notice? What's there to protect you?

          There are a dozen forms of birth control. All aren't hormone. Just sounds like excuses.

          I stand by the thought that any sexually active woman who isn't on birth control wants to get pregnant. Maybe not consciously, but she wants to. If she consciously didn't want to, she'd take at least ONE of the dozen forms of female birth control. In reality, condoms should be considered backup protection to whatever the female is taking, because the condom simply keeps the sperm away…..the primary protection handles the rest.

        3. Like I said, women who aren't in relationships or who aren't having sex REGULARLY don't always like to use birth control. You can swing it anyway you like, BUT if she wasn't planning to have sex then it's very likely she didn't think she needed to be on regular birth control. Spontaneous sex happens, but like I said, there are costs associated with. BOTH men and women know this.

          "I stand by the thought that any sexually active woman who isn’t on birth control wants to get pregnant"

          Seriously? Do you also believe that every man who goes raw wants to have a baby by the chick he's going bare in? Do you believe he wants to contract the STDs that could possibly arise from said activities? Seriously?

          And what are these dozens of non-hormonal birth control methods that you claim exist? I can only think of 2: condoms and spermicide. And since condoms typically contain spermicide, you don't even really need it. And MANY birth control methods have to be medically implanted by a doctor and you don't qualify for those UNLESS you've already been pregnant before. So like I said, those who don't have sex regularly may rely PRIMARILY on condoms.

          Seriously, what are these dozens of non-hormonal birth controls? Give me a list. I know many women who'd like to use them.

        4. Seriously, what are these dozens of non-hormonal birth controls? Give me a list. I know many women who’d like to use them.

          Thats wtf im sayin! There are only 3 types of female contraceptives that are hormone/chemical free. They are the female condom which is far less effective than male condoms and isn't (to my knowledge) supposed to be used in conjunction with male condoms, cervical caps/diaphragms which are also less effective, and IUDs which would never be my first choice of contraception.

          So yeah, male condoms are pretty much it if you don't want a hormonal contraceptive and/or aren't sexing regularly enough to think it necessary to be on the pill or any other female bc

        5. Birth control is not all that its cracked up to be..(apart from condoms and any latex device) while i take measures not to get pregnant..i do not encourage females to over utilize pills, injections, strips,coils.etc cause they f*ck up our system..once one is ready to have a baby..the process gets tedious..the years trying have a toll on you..

  13. Some stuff doesn't add up here. Her platonic friend was in law school and she was in grad school, so why the hell he isn't studying with somebody in the same program as he? I call BS on that one alone. Secondly, at this point, if they actually were platonic friends, shouldn't there have been a mention of him having a girlfriend to her at some point if they were real friends?

    To make the story short, dude you're just feeling guilty for leaving, but don't pile on another bad decision to try and make up for leaving in the first place. Clearly you weren't ready for a committed relationship then, so yeah you could have handled it better then, but you did what you thought was best even though it may have not been right, no point in regretting it now. Just don't play the fool now.

    1. im in grad school (and even when i was in undergrad) i studied with people that weren't in my major all the time. Studying together doesn't always mean studying together. Sometimes you just need a group of people who are gonna sit down and be quiet so you can read your stuff and they can read theres (and to guilt trip you if you start surfing fb lol).

      And im sure that her "friend" was probably plottin on how to get the beats. People do that all day. So if that was his goal, and i don't doubt it was, why would he mention having a girlfriend?!?

  14. Wow this really sounds like a movie. He got scared and messed up, and now he's sounding like he's trying to redeem himself. While I do think that he should make amends for hurting her, he needs to realize that she messed up too. She made a decision after he left that affected her life, and even though he hurt her, he is not responsible for the choice she made in order to deal with the pain. I do sympathize with her dilemma but the repercussions are real and that's that.

    That being said, the serious situation that this is, he can't pop back into her life and then suddenly decide that he's going to wig out and jump ship again. She doesn't sound like she's handling the situation she's in very well right now so I'm going to say that a second round of him doing that could quite possibly send this girl over the deep end. If he's going to acknowledge his feelings for her and step up, then he better not be playing. I personally don't think this is a good idea considering that he freaked out that much about being in a simple relationship, now to add a child from another man into the equation… He sounds like the kind of man that needs to take baby steps (no pun intended) and not try to leap tall buildings in a single bound just yet.

  15. Dude b*tched up and messed up a promising relationship and he has to deal with that. Chick f*cked an ain't sh*t rebound guy and now she's pregnant and she has to deal with that. Both parties need to deal with the consequences of their actions and move on. This guy trying to take on responsibility that he clearly isn't even kinda equipped for just because he feel bad about the situation is bound to make this whole scenario 10 times messier than it already is.

  16. Wow! Such harsh comments!! 🙁

    Love is not rainbows, sunshine and right decisions all day everyday. Sometimes people you love make selfish decisions that alter both their life and yours in ways you would not have chosen otherwise. That. Is. Life. You cannot drop someone that you really, truly love because of that. We have to be able to deal with the highs and the lows. For better or for worse! None of us have ever walked a day in Stacy's shoes therefore we do not know if she's ratchet. I hope we live up to the standards we put on others… I'm not mad at Stacy. I mean he INTENTIONALLY hurt her time after time again and he get's a pass?

    All of the "she's not who you thought she was" talk is just… i mean NO ONE is really who you think they are anyway. That's the beautiful part because love is choosing them ANYWAY. Loving them through that. Growing with them. Forgiving them. Working it out. Love is in those moments far more than the long talks and post coitus bliss. Sometimes you just can't help it when you just want THAT person. Regardless. No one can tell you anything that would make you feel different It's too late. You already love them.

    I say he needs to go for it and never stop going for it. His feelings are the same given allll that?!? Don't let that go. That type of intense connection with someone is worth it. It's worth everything. The two of them will be miserable and will torture themselves with thoughts of "what if" and "i should have…" if they don't. We cannot always pass intensity and passion off as infatuation. There is a fine line… but hey.. you live once. Walk it. Risk it all… roll the dice. Take a chance on love – it's worth it.

    Life threw them a curve ball. So what? I would be in intense prayer.. right by her (his) side if it were me and I knew it was love.

  17. Wooow this is just to much. It's funny how that dude thinks he could just walk back into that girl life just like that and just except things to be the same.

    IMO there's no point of them getting back together. I mean whose to say he won't leave her again. That dude crazy.

  18. This is a very unfortunate situation for all parties involved, however, everyone is of the age of majority. That being said, this young man is no where near ready for a SERIOUS commitment as he is still sowing his oats. Stacy has major decisions to make and time is of the essence. If dude feels bad, he should genuinely express remorse for how he treated Stacy, apologize, learn from it and move on. He cannot fix this even if he tried because it's not his situation to fix. Accept your role in what has happened, learn from it and don't ever do it again.

  19. Malik is right, this is not about the girl. This is about the scary negro.

    First off: "She has this one friend, a pretty dark skinned girl, but she wasn’t my type. I like chicks that are LHTRB (long hair, think red bone)."

    bc of this sentence alone I don't want you raising a child. Nothing I can stand more than ninja that don't know good wussy when it is in front of them.

    2nd: If you want to give the girl a go again, you have my blessing. But honestly, why would she take you back? WHY? Look at yourself dude, you are a selfish prick.

    As for the second dude… Someone needs to snitch on him. NO dislike button but yeah I said it. You can't ask someone to get an abortoito to save your relationship. Raw dogging while cheating is a worse crime than snitching and this is coming from an avid past cheater.

    1. @Nicholas Minaj

      As for the second dude… Someone needs to snitch on him. NO dislike button but yeah I said it. You can’t ask someone to get an abortoito to save your relationship. Raw dogging while cheating is a worse crime than snitching and this is coming from an avid past cheater.

      That was the point I kinda forgot to address… The cheating doesn't bother me… The sacrificing of a child to save a (frowsy) relationship is really cold-blooded… That is up there with Casey Anthony & Scott Peterson…

      As much as I dislike by single mothers, I still hope she keeps the kid… And then 15 years later, the kid spits on the father for calling for his death #OldSchoolChrisRock…

      Those are the kind of men, women love to sleep with tho….

    2. First off: “She has this one friend, a pretty dark skinned girl, but she wasn’t my type. I like chicks that are LHTRB (long hair, think red bone).”

      bc of this sentence alone I don’t want you raising a child. Nothing I can stand more than ninja that don’t know good wussy when it is in front of them.

      THIS.WHOLE.SENTENCE!!!!

  20. "She has this one friend, a pretty dark skinned girl, but she wasn’t my type. I like chicks that are LHTRB (long hair, think red bone)."

    I wanted to stop reading right there. Are we really still on this halfway through 2011? #stop

    "She was so different from the other chicks I mess with, usually its some girl with a big ass, I spend money on her, she can’t hold a conversation, but gives good head."

    -_-

    I would have a serious reply for this post but this man sounds like an eighteen-year-old. I fail to have sympathy for him, because he's a fully grown adult who still has some maturing to do. "I needed to be my old self." Why? Banging one chick isn't fun enough?

    Someone who engages in such tomfoolery has no place anywhere near a child.

    1. @Lauryn

      Clearly you live on fantasy island…

      A majority of men with a decent s*x drive talk like that… And it is nothing wrong with, esp. when you have GROWN women who shake their a$$e$ to music that describes far worse…

      (I have sat in a car with girls who have proudly sang in UNISON to "Touch It Or Not" )

      #ChrisRock's #SmackHerWitAD*ck

      That is not an indictment on his fatherly skills… If you have watched "To Catch A Predator" you would know that the men who have the most access to children are the real abusers…

      Like teachers & your local pastor…

      & may I remind you the most respectful of men are not being sought after… The men who do the most degrading of women, get the best of chances to procreate…

      Chill

      1. I have to agree with Adonis on this one. The man was just clearly stating his preference in women's physical appearance. No different then a woman preferring a man be at least taller than her in heels, etc…etc.. Now if you don't like the way he presented his opinion that's fine. At the end of the day he was just being truthful and setting up background information on the woman for the contradictive irony that was forth coming.

        Sure he could have just said, "She had an attractive friend, but she wasn't my type…" and "She was so different from the other women I took out.." and left it at that. The fact that he elaborated on those statements to make them more descriptive doesn't make him any more or less of a person.

      2. Adonis, in my completely honest opinion, a man whose dating preferences are simply light skin, long hair, a big ass and good head speaks volumes to his maturity level. . .in my experience, a mature man cares about more than the physical. Looks are important, yes, but that can't be the only factor considered. Maybe when you're in college and still more worried about what your boys think, but a grown man should know better than that. So a man with such an immature thought process belongs nowhere near a child.

  21. First I would suggest that u talk to older happy long-term couples. I believe u will find situations just like your situation that they worked through. I was blessed to be around a lot of older, seemingly perfect couples growing up and when I got older and was able to have real conversations about real things like relationships and love, I found that we today are living in way to much of a fairytail. There are older couples where the men are knowinly raising another mans child because he loves that woman and nobody outside of them and very close friends even know.

    Don't guilt yourself into being there if its only to feel better about your rolein her situatoon. But dont miss out on a chance at real love because a mistake was made. People have sex without condoms and without birthcontrol. Especially when its unplanned and emotional sex. People make mistakes. You did right? She did too.

    1. I had to come back and add that condoms could have been used and birthcontrol certainly could have been used (I know quite a few pregnacies that happened because the bc failed) so I don't wanna assume.

      Beyond that, most women I know that are on bc regularly are getting it regulary. They aren't using it just for fun, so if a decent amount of time went by without him there, she may have stopped getting prescriptions. Then homeboy pops up…and…Im sure it wasn't planned so she supposed to stop and make a drs appt so she can get a new prescription, which depending on where you are and your healthcare can be quite a task? idk. lol. & guys, clearly have no idea.

      1. I was trying to refrain from commenting, but I agree with your comment. Homegirl was an emotional wreck because of the position he left her in. As smart as we women are, our emotions take over and we do stupid ish just to feel better temporarily. Unfortunately, our actions have consequences, but I definitely believe she should keep the baby. This kid will probably be the best thing that's ever happened to her, even if he/she is the product of chaos.

        And my grandparents were born in 1919 and 1921. Grandma had her oldest son by another man, but my grandaddy raised him his entire life. They went on to have 13 more kids together and were separated only by death. I know it was a different time back then, but maybe we can learn something from them because obviously our generation is doing something wrong.

        But I do agree that he should examine his emotions to be sure he's not acting out of guilt. Until he figures it out, he should offer her sincere friendship and ONLY friendship because homegirl definitely needs a friend right now. I know I would.

    2. *waves my churchfan* AMENS! You know I just found out my Pastor of like 18 bajillion years (married for about 50 years) raised a child that was not his own. 'His' first child actually… he was in the military and the way the story goes, the wife creeped. Now was she the wife before she creeped or after? I don't know, he reserves some details but the child was born into a marital union so the timing is close whatever it is.

      People do make mistakes… and although the response should be more about his maturation than her mistakes (which is less of one b/c she wasnt cheating she was having consensual s3x as a grown @ss woman while he was off playing reindeer games) the way people are side-eyeing and grilling her as if 1) some of them weren't born out of the same type of activity or 2) theyve NEVER engaged in activity which if it wasn't for a higher power wouldve had them in the delivery room or clinic is ridiculous. The self-righteousness with which some people respond is crazy. Even more so, to think that even if you line all your ducks up in a row sh!t won't just go awry sometimes is asinine.

  22. What does him leaving have to do with her choosing not to use birth control or condoms? Granted she may have had rebound sex…..but that's on her for not using precaution during the sex. She's in grad school, so she's not a dummy….I'm sure she's a smart girl. So if she's pregnant, that's on HER, and no one else.

    Don't feel bad about her getting pregnant bruh, that's not your fault.

    1. And dude is in law school and has a GIRLFRIEND. Ignorance is not bliss in this case. He is not real smart for not making sure she was using and not taking precaution himself. He's at fault just as much as she is. Probably more at faut because she was at an emotional disadvantage and he was acting on her weak moment.

      1. "And dude is in law school and has a GIRLFRIEND."

        What exactly does that have to do with her taking birth control?

  23. I'm a little disappointed at some of the comments. He bags chics for w eeks time while traveling on business but she succumbs to the company she held and she's the hore? Na! Yes bad decision but not a trick.

    You were obviously into her and allowed your fears to encourage the decision you ultimately made. Its human to error, and so you both have. She isn't damaged goods! Fight for it! Complete packages are so hard to come by. Work on ur demons in the meantime. Go for it!

      1. Adonis:

        One man's damaged goods is another man's golden treasure.. ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT.

        Let's not forget, it wasn't she who wrote this Dear Streetz "Strawberry Letter" about her situation, it was the dude.

  24. What were your real intentions when u drove by the house and decided to call her? Did you want make try for a genuine relationship or did you want to string her along because you knew you could talk her into letting you back into her apartment and into her life? If you want to pursue this because you love her and want to be a part of this child's life FOREVER then go ahead. If you're thinking about pursuing it because you feel sorry for her, that's a no-no bro. This isn't your fault we all make decisions and we have to live with the consequences and you shouldn't feel responsible for the consequences of someone else's decision. If anything, at this point, be supportive and be a friend, help out if you want to and perhaps it might grow into something more, if it's meant to be.

  25. If he wants to be helpful, drive her ass to the clinic, and come back in two hours. That child is a guaranteed bastard before seeing the light of day.

    Side-eye to the fact that she got pregnant with her "platonic" study partner… I'm pretty sure they were raw doggin it for a minute before she got preggers… Thats questionable judgment on her part.

    Real talk.. condom broke? I've been (avidly) f-ing for some time now, and have NEVER broken a condom. Who are these people that break these things?

    1. It happens, it really does! The first time it happened to me I was like, "WTF? This really happens??? All this time I thought people were just BS-ing!"

    2. Usually if the condom breaks, it's because the woman wasn't wet enough, or there wasn't any lubricant used. Lack of wetness causes the condom to pull back, and eventually break.

      1. I've had a few condoms break over the years but not since I switched to Team Trojan Ecstasy (yes, I'm plugging those condoms again because they're awesome). That said, when a condom broke know what I did?

        *insert dramatic music here*

        I put on another damn condom.

    3. I think sometimes these "condom broke" stories are really "condom was too big and slipped off" stories. Magnums are not for everyone!

    4. "If he wants to be helpful, drive her ass to the clinic, and come back in two hours. That child is a guaranteed bastard before seeing the light of day."

      Damn!!! Harsh Much??!!!

      That's not his call/decision to make.

  26. getting back together with her trying to be her man and the father of her kid is not for the faint at heart. unless you both all in, the relationship will likely end very badly. dude will likely resent the child. girl will be on constant watch for signs he will bounce again. it will be extremely hard work for them to work out, though not impossible. he just needs to make sure thats what he really wants, for the long haul, and not just because if guilt. he also needs to make sure he really loves that woman and not some fantasized version he has of her. personally I think he should just charge the situation to the game, acknowledge his role in the debacle, apologize for bouncing as he did, and move it along. you dont have to be her hero.

  27. *puts on non prescription reading glasses*

    It was only a few days ago, we talked about projections. How sometimes we look back and suddenly the so so girl becomes everything we ever wanted. We always want what we can't have and sometimes its best to leave it as is. Right now he "loves" her but when that job told him to go elsewhere i'm sure a dougie was hit.

  28. It's too late.

    I feel like you realized you had a good thing after the fact. Nothing wrong with that, it happens. From your story, this also seems like this is the first girl you were "in love" with so I think you're attempting to hold on to something that might already be lost. Regardless, it shouldn't have taken another man – another man that got her pregnant in this case – to make you realize you love her. A part of that feeling may not be attributed to jealousy.

    I'm going to go under the assumption that she's going to keep the baby, since the final resolution wasnt made clear. If that's the case, I'm all for you being there in her life. I'm sure she could use the support. At the same time, there really isnt a rush for you to rush into a relationship or make yourself a priority. If she has that child, the baby is going take priority, as well it should. The next 8 – 9 months isnt about you or the relationship. In my opinion, there will be plenty of time to figure that out. You can tell her how you feel about the subject but I think that'll only cause further complications.

    Further, kids change things. Especially since you all havent established a true, committed relationship beforehand. I think if you step up to the plate and start raising this other man's child, if it gets to that point, you can easily become embittered and caught up in the "it should have been me" mindset. You may get to the point where you feel she's indebted or owes you for her transgressions, even though in actuality it was you who messed up. Relationships based on this foundation often fail because 1) one person always feels like they owe the other / guilty 2) the other person feels the same way or holds it over their head on some, "Look what I did for you" type ish.

    Personally, I lean towards not rushing into anything. Right now, you may be too caught up in your feelings to be thinking logically. Because of the situation I say you should be her friend first, if that's feasible, and see where things go and let life/the relationship unfold naturally. Maybe there is a chance for you two down the road. However, given my own experience and the observations of others, I think this experience is merely going to serve as a life lesson for you. Next time, when you have a good woman in your life, don't let her get away the first time.

    That's my two cents and some change.

  29. What were your real intentions when u drove by the house and decided to call her? Did you want to make up and try for a genuine relationship, or did you want to string her along because you knew you could talk her into letting you back into her apartment, into her life, and then make a mad dash when you felt like? If you want to pursue this because you love her and want to be a part of this child's life FOREVER, forever, ever then go ahead. If you're thinking about pursuing it because you feel sorry for her, that's a no-no bro. That's your emotions tricking you into taking on responsibility that's not rightfully yours. This isn't your fault. The fact she ended up pregnant by an unavailable man has nothing to do with you. We all make decisions and we have to live with the consequences. You shouldn't feel responsible for the consequences of someone else's decision, only your own. If anything, at this point, be supportive and be a friend, help out if you want to and perhaps it might grow into something more, if it's meant to be.

  30. Wow! Such harsh comments!!

    Love is not rainbows, sunshine and right decisions all day everyday. Sometimes people you love make selfish decisions that alter both their life and yours in ways you would not have chosen otherwise. That. Is. Life. You cannot drop someone that you really, truly love because of that. We have to be able to deal with the highs and the lows. For better or for worse! None of us have ever walked a day in Stacy’s shoes therefore we do not know if she’s ratchet. I hope we live up to the standards we put on others… I’m not mad at Stacy. I mean he INTENTIONALLY hurt her time after time again and he get’s a pass?

    All of the “she’s not who you thought she was” talk is just… i mean NO ONE is really who you think they are anyway. That’s the beautiful part because love is choosing them ANYWAY. Loving them through that. Growing with them. Forgiving them. Working it out. Love is in those moments far more than the long talks and post chex bliss. Sometimes you just can’t help it when you just want THAT person. Regardless. No one can tell you anything that would make you feel different It’s too late. You already love them.

    I say he needs to go for it and never stop going for it. His feelings are the same given allll that?!? Don’t let that go. That type of intense connection with someone is worth it. It’s worth everything. The two of them will be miserable and will torture themselves with thoughts of “what if” and “i should have…” if they don’t. We cannot always pass intensity and passion off as infatuation. There is a fine line… but hey.. you live once. Walk it. Risk it all… roll the dice. Take a chance on love – it’s worth it.

    Life threw them a curve ball. So what? I would be in intense prayer.. right by her (his) side if it were me and I knew it was love.

  31. Why is this woman's character coming into question? This man left her! She moved on. What else was she supposed to do? She didn't ask Corey to come back into her life and she didn't ask for his support during this situation. I'm not saying she's a victim, nor am I saying this is all Corey's fault. What I am saying is this post is about selfish ass Corey and y'all need to stop picking on this woman.

    That said, I totally agree with TMIMITW's advice.

  32. Started this up above, but I wonder what happened to the morning after pill? If they knew the condom broke (assuming that's what happened) and they both sound like intelligent aware individuals, why didn't they take the extra step of after-the-fact precaution? Seems like there is a lot of deception in all of these relationships – laws of attraction in play here. But it doesn't matter. It's done.

    However, I say if dude really feels like he must make amends or process through this guilt or wrap his mind around what he feels may be love, it doesn't mean he has to jump into boyfriend, husband, or daddy role. If she's really important to him, he can keep his d*ck in his pants, be a real friend and if everything still seems to be straight, he can be the kid's God Father or Uncle. Watch how things develop over time. Learn this woman on a different level than this one of "disbelief that he was even interested with his foot out the door" to his now "post-realized profound love laced with guilt" bullsh*t. He clearly don't know what he wants. She used an unhealthy quick fix solution to attempt to make herself feel better after he dipped. Neither one seems to have it together. And the actual daddy… smh.

    1. Good Point in brining up the Morning After pill, like any sexually active and seemingly intelligent person should know all of this. Then again she slept with her platonic study buddy and didn't know he had a girl (in this day and age?..c'mon son), so maybe she isn't that bright.

      Either way, Plan B is my Plan A.

  33. i wonder how old this dude is.

    light skinned thick red bones is your type?

    “She was so different from the other chicks I mess with, usually its some girl with a big ass, I spend money on her, she can’t hold a conversation, but gives good head.”

    i mean really?

    usually i feel some type of way when women say "why can't dudes see a good thing till its gone…." but you are a living projection of that. i mean really? this whole situation is a joke.

    before you damage that woman even further you need to self-reflect because there are some underlying issues that came across in that letter.

    1. OMG, thank you for saying this Tunde (I'ma always call you Tunde, cuz that's who you are in my head dangit). Dude sounds like he's got MAJOR issues!

    2. I'm going to have to be a slight dissenter on this. I commented more in length up-thread, but the fact he is describing his preference of women is not a big deal. As far as age, well the fact he's talking to this woman who is in grad school (which puts the woman probably at 23-24 at the youngest) one can assume he is around that age or older.

      “She was so different from the other chicks I mess with, usually its some girl with a big ass, I spend money on her, she can’t hold a conversation, but gives good head.”

      I'm sure a bit of satire was used here to make light of the situation, but basic message was she's different than other women I took out. Besides, even if that is entirely true…it's the truth…why knock a man for describing HIS past experiences.

      “why can’t dudes see a good thing till its gone….”

      I've been seeing a lot of comments talking about this narrative in particular. From what I read, however, he saw crystal clear how good of a "thing" he had going on…and that scared him and thus the reason he "ran"! Dude knew he was in a good situation…he didn't have any epiphany after he decided to make a clean break. Those feelings never went away. He knew he had a good thing…he made a decision to not go with it…consequences follow (good, bad or indifferent). Plain and simple.

      1. "As far as age, well the fact he’s talking to this woman who is in grad school (which puts the woman probably at 23-24 at the youngest) one can assume he is around that age or older."

        a lot of people take time off after college before heading to grad school. so i wouldn't necessarily assume that they are 23-24.

        1. Yeah, I understand that. That's why I qualified the statement with "at the youngest" and "that age or older". So these are intended to be minimum probable age ranges.

      2. See, Larry, you're just gon' have to get out of my head and stop narrating what I'm thinking. lol I agree, I think their age is irrelevant.

  34. I wonder how different the comments would be if the roles were reversed. I have seen a situation where a woman tried to get back with an ex and he had a baby on the way. hmm.

    1. @Hazy

      I would be rooting for her… Women love men who are desired by other women… So, a baby on the way is proof of that… And of course, he probably won't have custody, just a crazy baby mama…

      And women love that Lifetime movie drama ish… But that is not the wave for most men…

  35. Another point, there's so much doubt here. He'll never know if she loves him or just once again feels vulnerable at the thought of being a single mother. She'll never know if he's there out of guilt and if he'll ever take off again.

  36. No one is righteous in the situation. All of these people need to stay away from each other. The only way this shit could be worse is if a year from now or whenever, they see each other at a family reunion and find out they're related.

  37. I question this dudes readiness. I think he's learned a lot about himself…especially his ability to feel…in the midst of this situation. I think he learned enough to begin preparing himself for a serious relationship in the future. But, he's not ready for one now. He needs to take the lessons and grow from this.

    I also think that too much has transpired for their relationship to A) be what it once was and B) become what it "could have been". What he would have with her now would be completely different. And, if the initial circumstances were enough to scare him off, he'd really be looking for an "out" with the pressures of a family to care for.

    I also think its impossible for them to become "just friends" right now. Their feelings are way too involved right now. They need to give each other at least a year of space before making contact again. I'm sure she has the support of her family and other real friends. She'll make it without him…and she needs to in order to heal emotionally.

  38. The only thing he should feel guilty about is his inability to communicate how he was feeling while they were "together" (which was fear) and subsequently his abrupt physical and emotional withdrawal. He intentionally inflicted emotional pain to, by all accounts, an undeserving woman by said subsequent behavior.

    We all have consequences to bear based on the decisions we make, good and/or bad. He is about to make yet another decision, which again will have consequences. I hope this time he incorporates everyone in it rather than just self. And in this case…there will be 3 futures that need to be weighed carefully in that decision.

    That will be the test if he has learned the lesson. You are not in a relationship alone. Had you just talked to her and expressed your anxiety about the changes you felt, you just might have found that she was understanding and might have given the relationship some breathing space..and perhaps that would've given you the time you needed in order to come to terms with the "new you". Or not.

    Whatever the outcome, communication is key. Oft times we underestimate the abilities of our partners to be compassionate…and understanding…and flexible. Perhaps its our own insecurities blocking the road.

    All the best to him…

  39. I think that people are blindly defending and placing blame in this situation too early.

    First, you can’t attack him for saying the type of women he typically dates. That doesn’t mean he has self-hate or anything of the liking. It’s amazing a few months, maybe years back one of my friends told me that I had a light skin complex because looking back at the women I seriously dated they were all light skin. I think this is a nonsensical argument, so I rarely ever clear this up. Would you believe that on Monday while we were talking to a group of people he said, “I typically end up dating light skin women.” I didn’t say much, but I made a note of it. Later he said, “You have a complex, I’m just looking back on the women that I have dated and noticed that they are all light skinned. Whereas, you only go after light skin women.” I told him, “That was an observation from the outside looking in, he could never know what the inner workings of my mind were. I also told him that reviewing my resume and only seeing light skin women, is no different than reviewing his and only seeing light skin women. But it’s interesting that he himself defines his situation different than others.” The point here is, allow the man to say who he typically dates, or his “type” is. He’s only trying to qualify his story.

    Second, this very well could be a situation of Murphy’s Law. Life just happens. Nobody is in the wrong here. He basically wasn’t ready for all the commitment and pulled away. A person, man or woman, reserves the right to leave a situation if it is not working for him. And a woman reserves the right to move on if she feels that the guy she was talking to is no longer interested, or she is interested in pursuing other options. Personally, I was dating my high school sweetheart for a few years. We broke it off in the fall of my senior year because I didn’t apply to any schools in the area and she was upset about that. We remained friends, but just were not together. I ended up dating another girl until I went away to college, then we also broke up because I didn’t want to carry a long distance relationship into college. Came home from my freshman year and basically got back with my HS sweetheart. But after a short stint back in the relationship we agreed that it was not smart to carry the relationships into college, especially after she decided to go to school in the South. Imagine my surprise when she got pregnant her first semester freshman year, by some dude who had been scheming on the culo in DC for over a year. After he bounced on her, I had to make a choice and I think I made the right decision. No hard feelings, life happens, but that’s not a situation that I can be a part of anymore. There’s no way to force the square peg, in the circle hole. You can place the blame in a lot of areas in that situation but it wouldn’t make any sense to do so, life happens.

    Third, most men believe that women are angels. This is one of our biggest flaws. We just cannot fathom that a woman can be just as much of a monster as us. Best way to answer these emails is to strip down the story of color commentary. He was dating her, they were spending plenty of time together, there was a dude who was studying with her who seemed to be scheming, he decides he needs space, she gets pregnant by the scheming dude and then finds out he has a girlfriend. There’s a good chance that he doesn’t want to admit that potentially she’s a liar. What if, she was already sleeping with dude on the side, when they say they were just studying together? How can she reasonably paint this sob story after she allowed herself to get pregnant by this scheming fellow? She’s obviously not doing her due diligence. Most people always recommend two forms of birth control to prevent pregnancy. Birth control and condoms probably would have ensured that she had little to no chance of getting pregnant, there was a lack of judgment somewhere in this story. And what if she already knew that he had a girl and is just saying that now to support her sob story? She had a main guy, and he had a main girl, fair exchange is no robbery is they were sleeping together. Again, I repeat, man’s fatal flaw is the inability to see that women can be just as deceitful and dishonest as them. This whole situation reeks. I think he has to walk away and just chock it up to Murphy’s Law.

    And let’s say we don’t have all the fact, or let’s say we’re all just inferring way too much, is there reasonable doubt? I believe so. I don’t think a jury of his peers will be able to convict either way. There’s for I move for dismissal and both the plaintiff and defendant go their separate ways.

    1. This gets a Most-Sign. As in a mostly co-sign.

      A) His statement against dark skin wussy was put on the record. You can't take that out of the jury's mind with a good closing statement. Remember he dismissed her early in the night b/c of her look despite her looking good, that is a fail Dr J. A Fail

      B)The real loser in the story is the study partner. That guy has no saving grace and I hope she hits him up for child support. Horrible human being.

      C) I'm not a fan of this dude. Think he made a bad move. But he is not responsible for keeping her from getting knocked up. People have to be more careful. Can't be creating life all willy neely.

      1. @Cheekz Money

        He also proved my point that it is not (entirely) about Dark Skin…

        She was cute, had she been ugly, we wouldn't be talking about it… Because she would have been seen as a pump & dump….

        Pretty > darkskin

      2. Point A is the gospel truth!!!!!

        This dude dag near declared this "pretty dark-skinned girl" un-effable because she wasn't LHTRB!!!!

        He wasn't lookin for a wife/wifey anyway. She didn't even qualify as a "hit it & quit it" until he realized she was cool! Based on some of the convo yesterday, most of the fellas said they'd even chex "an ugly girl with a banging body" if they really needed to. But, this woman is pretty…by his own declaration…and he passed on it!!!!

        I'm not okaying casual chex at all…but I'm SHOCKED that some of the guys are okaying this move!!!! I'm really shocked, lol… Y'all don't at the very least view this as weird or questionable???

    2. @DrJay

      Best commentary to date…

      That "women are angels" swag has to be beaten out of men… We have been lied to…

      I am a semi-true believer in treating women like an adult & equals…

      But I also know I have to be wary, because women use that as a way to purposely eff up, & ask to be saved…

      That is the right time to be cold-blooded… And walk away…

    3. I may be the only female who cosigns #3 but I agree, women aren't angels (in general). I know I've lied (never cheated), and I know women who've gotten pregnant on purpose, messed with a guy even when they know he's spoken for/married, and double-crossed friends/relatives for sex. We're definitely not perfect. But our mistakes, no matter how rachet they are, are typically unplanned or are driven by a myriad of emotions.

    4. Although I agree with most of what you said – my problem with dude is that he crapped on her. She made a mistake with study dude but why put her on blast about the nature of that relationship. You planned to leave, told her at the last minute, then disappeared. So its the I effed up but she effed up too (picture that he paints that bothers me). Now I want to rescue her! If you want to love her and protect her – he should have started with the story! IJS

  40. I can relate, a part of you doesn't want to be "Captain save a h*e" but you have to finish what you started. Honestly, if I was in you're shoes I would make it right, it seems like you care for her a lot. So why not finish what you started. "playing daddy to another n–ga baby, don't worry jesus didn't even know his own father" J Cole

  41. Wow. This is interesting in so many ways that I won't go into right now, and as much as I want to say I'm limited by time constraints. There are so many topics touch on in this one letter. First and foremost, I know I've said this before but it keeps coming up.

    Women find a man they like and decide to settle down with him, Men decide to settle down and THEN find a woman they like.

    Stop attacking this dude. He met someone who had it all going for her BEFORE he decided to settle down. And before I get the "Well I have a friend who met her husband…" or "I've known guys that…" please know that you trying to disprove the rule with individual exceptions is futile (not to mention moot in this particular situation.) So regardless of how great you are, or how well you can put it on him, if he hasn't ever flirted with the idea of commitment don't be surprised when he doesn't with you.

    Now to the writer. You fcuked up. But I don't have to tell you that, 'cause you already know. There were much better ways to go about leaving your situationship, but you decided to take the punk way out. No use crying over spilled milk, what's done is done. But what you can do is take a good long look at the present. Obviously you're feeling guilty, but it's really not my place to say whether or not you should or shouldn't. What you should be asking yourself is are you feeling guilt out of your affection for her or your attraction to her. Affection and attraction are not the same. It's obvious you care about her, but you need to remember, it was relatively easy for you to just walk away. Don't look back now with a guilty conscience and try to rectify your past with future deeds, especially if there's going to be a child involved now. Honestly, if you're not attracted to her, your guilty will wear off and you'll just end up with regret and resentment. Don't make that mistake. Overall though, I wish you the best of luck and hope this turns out well in the end.

    1. I didn't read all the comments before I commented. TWIsM, you pretty much captured my thoughts, and articulated them more eloquently. Especially your comment in bold.

    2. Stop attacking this dude. He met someone who had it all going for her BEFORE he decided to settle down. And before I get the “Well I have a friend who met her husband…” or “I’ve known guys that…” please know that you trying to disprove the rule with individual exceptions is futile (not to mention moot in this particular situation.) So regardless of how great you are, or how well you can put it on him, if he hasn’t ever flirted with the idea of commitment don’t be surprised when he doesn’t with you.

      Man… this really hit home to me. Good stuff…

    1. Hi Malik,

      I wouldn't be captain of the squad…but I would probably be somewhere in the stands with a sign. If…and ONLY if he took the time to evaluate where he is in life and what he truly wants out of it and what he is willing to give in order to get it…and keep it.

      1. Are you for real?

        What was she supposed to do after HE left HER? Just sit around staring at the windows waiting for him to come back?

        Psh!

      2. even after you (assuming you're playing the role of Corey here) left her high and dry so u could bang every girl in the world? yeah, cuz that makes sense.

        1. @Tramayne

          Yes, she should have waited… Last time I checked, a decent man is hard to come by… Simultaneously women tell me that there are all these great women out here…

          So clearly Corey can hold out for a better prospect…

          & @LadyNgo

          Banging new chicks every other day is a noble endeavor for men, as long as there are willing women…

          It is what it is…

  42. He wan't to know what he should do…he should leave this woman alone..she's pregnant by another man, and when he had an opportunity to be with her, he ran for the hills, so now he should just keep on running….there is no obligation here. Keep it moving and try not to make the same mistake again.

  43. One thing I've learned is life happens. Point blank. You can be as careful or as reckless as you please, nothing is absent of certainty when you're playing with fire.

    He ought to at least try with her. He should assess where he wants to be and what he wants to be to & for her; however, if he commits, he must completely commit regardless of how "he feels." If he does indeed love her, the way he "feel" will become irrevelant. This girl has been played with enough.

    When it is the right person, making mistakes don't weigh as heavy as it does with people you're "settling" with. Only he knows if this woman "does it" for him, and if she is worth it. Everyone has their textbook opinion of what should happen, including me.

    There may be thousands of other woman who indeed are childless and more together, but that doesn't mean they will love him the way he needs to be loved or wanted the way he ought to be wanted. I could only imagine the loyalty she'll have for him if he decides to be with her and she actually takes him back.

    People aren't perfect- so compassion is necessary. Those are my disjointed but somewhat connected thoughts-

    1. "One thing I’ve learned is life happens. Point blank. You can be as careful or as reckless as you please, nothing is absent of certainty when you’re playing with fire."

      I agree. In general, this situation obviously isn't the foundation that one would typically want to build a relationship on. However… nobody is perfect and everyone has their issues… some worse than others… but there are still always things that you'll need to work through.

      I wouldn't urge either one of them to jump into things with eachother… but if he really feels like he loves her and wants to be with her, I'm not going to judge him for going for it… or her for taking him back.

      As much as we want to always make the most logical decision for ourselves… bottom line, the heart wants what the heart wants.

      WOW. Tough situation. I wish the both of them the best and I hope that they're able to find some peace with where they're at in their lives… regardless of what the outcome is.

  44. @ Malik: Clap clap my hat goes off to you.
    @Cheekz : right! "this one dark skinned friend that's nit my type" (side eye)
    good point at whoever brought the morning after pill, I don't feel that sorry for her , I mean we are women we know most men are not worth the breath they are taking, but all you can control in thus world is yourself; she could freak the football team if that is why she need to get over this loser, but she should have made sure her back and front were protected, now look at this f-Ed up situation. Also great point at snitching on her so called friend If I knew him , her and the whole fiasco I would already be on the phone letting his girlfrind know , stop doing dumb sh-it and I wont't snitch coon.

  45. My biggest problem with this is the cowardice this man shown and all the harm that has and will come as a result. Undoubtedly this woman will become yet another in a growing population of bitter black women. What's worse is that she will very likely use her experience to influence other black women to further distrust black men.
    Now I get the fact that he wasn't ready for the seriousness of the relationship. And its clear that he had/has commitment issues. Not judging him for that. Many men and women feel that way and its nothing to be ashamed of. I AM however judging him for being a coward. For intentionally being an asshole towards her and not being man enough (or a man at all) to just tell her he wanted out.
    So to him I say Thank You. Thank you for further contributing to the demise of the black family. Thank you for being a primary factor in the possible birth of yet another bastard child. I hope you are so proud.

    Now for as what he should do….I don't know. I find it hard to believe that this man who so coldheartedly dissed her only months before would truly stand by her side now that she is birthing another mans child. So I can't just say "stick around" when my mind says that you will probably just find another way to dick her over.

    1. "Thank you for further contributing to the demise of the black family. Thank you for being a primary factor in the possible birth of yet another bastard child. "

      Geez…slight hyperbole for effect I'm assuming here? lol. Primary factor, though?? lol…this is funny.

      1. @Larry

        @Soul06 is blaming a man for a woman's poor choices…

        Where was this woman's sense of community when she allowed herself to be pump with uncommitted seed…

        @Soul06 is projecting… If you want a man to look out for you… Pick a responsible man in the first place…

        Neither of these men were all that responsible, but yet this woman entertained BOTH of them… And she was within her "rights" to do so

        Women's poor choices & the rejection of making good ones is ruining the black community…

        But that will never make it to "Good Morning America"

        1. So you are attempting to tell me ALL the blame is on her and nothing is on him? Really? This man acted like a coward and ran to another state but he deserves no blame for that? Really???

        2. @Soul06

          It sounds like he needs to be reprimanded or maybe arrested… As much as I want to blame him for something… His direct actions didn't cause a pregnancy… It takes swimmers & a willing woman to receive those swimmers…

          Be more mad at the dude who impregnated her & her choosing to be impregnated by said dude…

          Or maybe women need to admit that they need male guidance & give up that whole, I'm equal & capable of making my own decisions…

          Cause every time you blame a dude for a woman's poor choices, you are showing your limitations as a gender…

    2. "Thank you for further contributing to the demise of the black family. Thank you for being a primary factor in the possible birth of yet another bastard child."

      Really? He wasn't ready, so he bailed. Does he not have the right to not be ready for a serious relationship? Yes he contributed to hurting her, but not to the demise of the black family. He wasn't the primary factor in the birth of that bastard child, that is COMPLETELY on the chick and her study buddy…..THEY are the primary factors in the birth of that bastard child, not some guy who was states away while they were f&#king.

      1. You disagree? Well allow me to present my case.

        A growing number of unwed mothers and fatherless children is a prime example of the demise of family structure is it not? And is it not within reason to say had he not left her so callously and cowardly she may never have been in such a vulnerable state were as to accept the sexual advances of Mr Study Buddy (who in my book is another piece of s**t). No him leaving her is not the sole or overwhelming factor but it most certainly is the primary one. The initial action that lead to the present situation.

        Its no different then if you, an adult, bought alcohol for a minor. That minor took that alcohol, got drunk, attempted to drive and killed a child on the street. You aren''t the main factor in that child's death but you are the initial cause of that end result.

        Now as for him having the right to leave. Well if you re-read what I wrote you see clearly that I said he has every right to want out and/or leave. That isn't my beef. My problem is the COWARDLY way he did so. To be that pathetic and weak that he would rather have his job send him out of state than be man enough to simply say, "I dont want to do this anymore." Exactly what is so commendable or admirable about that?

        1. @Soul06

          Are you making an argument that women shouldn't have certain freedoms & rights… Cause we can write the legislation together… And one of those rights is to entertain an as.shole, which women have no issue exercising (until it bites them in the a$$)

          Now… sure, he could have treated her better… But I make the argument, it is his a.s.s.holey behavior attracted her in the first place… It is not a logical leaps, all things considered…

          Just like women will argue how men should worry about their reproductive rights before they knock up a woman…

          I propose women choose better men to mate with, so horror stories like this would be a rare event…

          But very few women are willing to admit that something in your brain that is causing you to seek A-holes needs to be addresses… Not the as.sholes themselves…

          Women set the standard… Men meet the standard… Women create the as.sholes they say they loathe…

        2. @Adonis

          Oh don't be mistaken. I am not taking any responsibility away from women who choose to continue to deal with men who are a**holes. As the old saying goes, "You lay with dogs, you come up with flees".

          But I don't think this particular woman knew just how foul this dude was going to be towards her. From his story he points out that he would intentionally be an a**hole towards her but the only sign of that was his repeated canceling of dates. Its fair to say that she could have thought his schedule was just a bit hectic. Its annoying but not exactly a red flag. I don't think she realized just how much of an a**hole he was until he left and cut her off.

          Its not always so simple to separate the wheat from the tares.

          And I just noticed another thing. He said he returned and thought about her but didn't say he actually missed her. Seems like he was just curious to see what happened. Do a quick drive through for a damage report but had no interest in getting her back. He doesn't really want her back. He just feels responsible for her present situation. *took a tangent back to the original question*

  46. Follow your heart. Sometimes friends can give the worse advice. She's obviously not just any random chick to you. Simple and plain, do what makes you happy, not your boys… She's only human everyone makes mistakes. Its rare to find real love nowadays….. Hold on to her

  47. People acting like this is the Backup Plan, but he ain't say shorty looks like J. Lo and we don't have any pictures.

    I'm telling you right now, a chick is pregnant whether through artificial insemination, another man, or immaculate conception, she better be a certified 20, and have uranium in that vag of hers.

    No man should go into a situation with a shorty who is pregnant, knowing that baby ain't his.

    And nobody brought this up, but he ain't even giving the baby's father a chance to be a man about his and wisen up before the baby get here.

    1. "And nobody brought this up, but he ain’t even giving the baby’s father a chance to be a man about his and wisen up before the baby get here."

      I was just fixing to write about this, but you obviously beat me to it.

    2. "And nobody brought this up, but he ain’t even giving the baby’s father a chance to be a man about his and wisen up before the baby get here."

      He told her to get an abortion… He blew his chances right then and there!! IMO.

      1. I mean, yeah he told her to get an abortion, but J mentioned giving the baby's father a chance to wisen up. People say and do weird stuff when their emotions are at a heightened sense. The decisions they make aren't necessarily the best.

        i.e. being an emotional wreck b/c buddy didn't call you back, so you sleep with your study partner and end up pregnant.

        So yeah, don't write off the baby's father b/c he said something prematurely. One always has a right to change their mind and have a change of heart. IMO.

        1. I get what you are saying but what does the baby's father having a change of heart/mind have to do with dude wanting to be in her life and do the right thing? He has a GF already remember, and judging from his reaction it's CLEARLY OBVIOUS that he has no intentions of being with her. Or am I missing something here?

        2. @GirlSixx

          It has nothing to do with dude wanting to be in her life and do the right thing. I didn't think we were on that topial line. I guess to be clear, when I am thinking let the baby's father wisen up, I meant it to come from a place to let him be accepting of the fact he has a child on the way and prepare for him to be a part of the child's life as opposed to just think abortion…not try to get in a relationship with the baby's mother.

          So yeah, he has a right to change his mind about wanting her to get an abortion and a right to have a change of heart about where his priorities are as far as feelings (i.e. less being worried if his current G/F finds out and more concerned about the pregnant woman and their child)

    3. "No man should go into a situation with a shorty who is pregnant, knowing that baby ain’t his."

      Imma co-sign this and also say that no woman should date a man with a baby on the way.

      As the Backyardigans would say, "It's a recipe for disaster!"

    4. That fact that my old bestie found a husband while pregnant by a married man who also told her to abort makes me disagree. Those two are still together 8 years later with 2 more kids.

      If she's the one pregnancy may not change that fact.

      1. There are exceptions to every rule. But, the rule, imo, still stands.

        PS: I'm glad things worked out for your bestie…I'm sure that was a horrible experience for her.

      2. Although I realize that this is the exception to the rule… I feel like it proves my point:

        People just need to get all the other voices out of their heads. Do what YOU know feels like the right thing to do in YOUR heart, in your mind

        When you make a decision to do something that YOU want to do, as opposed to making a decision based off of what OTHERS want you to do… at the end of the day, regardless of how the situation works out, I think that you'll find peace in knowing that you were true to yourself.

        When listening to other people's advice, people need to learn to take the good, leave the bad and take full responsiblity for the decision that you ultimately make. Can't nobody live your life for you BUT YOU.

      3. "That fact that my old bestie found a husband while pregnant by a married man"

        I had to re-read this like 3 times to fully comprehend.. Wowwww

        But it goes to show that Your Heart Wants – What the Heart Wants, we all tend to stand on our soapboxes and say what we WILL OR WON'T DO/ACCEPT when we aren't in that situation…

        1. GirlSixx…I've just heard too many horror stories. I wouldn't trust it…

          Everyone should def "do you", as the saying says.

          But, be careful with following your heart…it can be deceptive…and it will get you into trouble.

          I've learned that the heart AND mind must be in synch for me to sign on any dotted lines…and I learned the hard way.

        2. "I’ve learned that the heart AND mind must be in synch for me to sign on any dotted lines…and I learned the hard way."

          My heart can be very persuasive… lol!

      4. Did the guy know she was pregnant by a married man?

        And that is the exception, doesn't work like that the other 98% of the time.

        1. Does it matter?

          I mean he married her knowing she was pregnant from another man… whether he was black, white, brown, gay ,straight, married, divorced, engaged or single why is this question pertinent?

        2. I'm saying that HE followed his heart and did what HE knew was right. I'm not referring to her…

          Regardless of the fact that everybody probably told her not to bring THAT woman home… regardless of how much people had to say about her, HE obviously knew that she was right for HIM… followed his heart and apparently seems happy with the outcome seeing that they are still together.

    5. Dr. J,
      I think this brother needs to dig deep within himself to find out if his heart is really into this woman. I think she was the one for him and he was too afraid to see that. When you're that young, you always make the mistake first and then realize later that she was the one… He needs to soul search. Love is a funny thing. There's nothing worst than waking up one day and realizing that you had the true of your life right before you, but you let it get away from you…

  48. BimRock: "He sounds like the kind of man that needs to take baby steps (no pun intended) and not try to leap tall buildings in a single bound just yet."

    This sums up what I think. I'm not sure why there are so many critical comments about the guy. He wasn't ready for the relationship at the time, and timing plays a huge part in finding love. If you are a good woman, would you want a man who is still in the mindset of being a player? He messed up with that particular woman. Now he knows what to do when he finds what he wants in one of the other 3.5 billion women on the planet. He now knows he doesn't want to be a player for life, and can see himself settling down with someone.

    All of us have made mistakes, learned from them, and have grown on the road of love. Most of us have lost what was a potential good thing. At the time of our commiserating over that lost love, we don't realize that there are many other potential good things out there.

  49. @Larry You disagree that he was a primary factor? I think its easily arguable that had he never left her the way he did that she never would have found herself dealing with the next dude.

    And I do not understand how so many can defend this guy saying "he just wasn't ready". Since when does cowardly actions get judged so softly. Dude said he went after a 3 month out of state project just so he could cut ties with her. Seriously? Running away to another state? Ignoring calls? What part of being a man is that? He couldn't face her and say, "im sorry but I just not ready for this"?

    1. Yes I disagree. She didn't get pregnant because he decided to cut ties with her. She got pregnant because study buddy turned into fcuk buddy. I'm sure this probably isn't the first time she has been hurt by the opposite sex. She didn't appear to get pregnant after she has been hurt before. I mean, based on your logic any time a man/woman does someone of the opposite sex wrong and leaves the situation then that "bad" person is primarily responsibe if a baby is created from the next person they sleep with..??

      What part of being a mature woman is that? She couldn't just turn down study buddy's advances? Take better precautions to prevent pregnancy? People make decisions…consequences follow my friend.

      1. And I don't think many are "defending" him so much as to just describe his feelings and the situation at hand. No one is saying it was the right thing to do. It's obviously he went about it a cowardly way, so no real need to state that. So yeah, I don't think anyone disagrees with you on that front. The situation could've been handled better, but it wasn't.

        1. True she could have turned down study buddy's advances but I know personally the feeling of heartbreak and what it means to be on the rebound. It seemed like she was really, heavily into this dude by the way he described it. So to be that into someone and have them tear your heart out the way he did its quite understandable to me that she would let her judgment split with study buddy.

          When you are dealing with REAL heartbreak many times you are willing to deal with anyone that can help you escape the pain you are feeling. Us men do it too. Just in our case we try to cover it by bedding as many random women as possible.

  50. there is a lot of yall about how she ended up pregnant. I dont think the big deal should be about the circumstances in which she got pregnant. I mean that is her business. and the email doesn't state that she has asked him to make it his business. so whether she effed raw or had an accident and forgot to get the plan b pill, again that is irrelevant. what if she was in a legit relationship and got pregnant and her man didnt want it and they broke up? the writer would still feel guilty for bouncing on her the way he did. anyway, the issue here is he is considering reinserting himself into her world romantically. however things are very different this go round. he would need to be cool being with a woman having another mans baby. if he thinks of himself as her hero…he aint ready. they should just be two mutually consenting adults ready to try again…albeit with more baggage than the first trip. he shouldn't make such a heavy decision off of guilt.

  51. I seeee ya went hard early …GatDayum … Helly comments … My ish is bout to get drowned in the midst of all these comments.

    But yeah, like mentioned before … the root source to this situation is what his intentions were when he came back in town before knowing her new situation. If it was a "I need to get off garbage and try and wife her if at all possible" then coo (ya might have a future), but if it was a "I just wanna casually smang, since i've smanged before" then he needs to just let it be.

    But personally, it sounds like a whole lot of guilt and projections based off what ya had before and not the reality of the current situation. He doesn't sound like the step daddy type (I've come to grips that i'm not and i'll need to be with a seedless woman in order to be happy). His natural progression of dating and relationships isn't right, it's been hurried because of this new found situation. If it ain't natural bro, it won't work. Travel at your own pace.

  52. my brother went thru a similar situation, he met a girl, liked her, but they lost touch…reconnected later but she was pregnant, and the babys dad bounced. my bro decided to be her friend and helped her out as a friend would, and after the baby was born, they decided to be together. he took her child as his own. now 14 years later, they are no longer together, but my bro still cares for the kid as his own. if the writer isn't up for still being there should the relationship fizzle, dont try to play daddy.

  53. If she simply had rebound sex, and didn't get pregnant, would there be a problem?

    NO, this letter wouldn't have even been written if she wasn't pregnant. The pregnancy IS the problem.

    1. There would still be that big ass problem in that he didn't want to be in a relationship with her the first go around and didn't have the common decency to actually tell her up front instead of just short asking for the hand of God to remove him from the situation. There isn't a reason for the broad to want to be with him. We don't even know if he came back because he wanted a real relationship with her and he didn't exactly give us any indication that he did.

    2. "If she simply had rebound sex, and didn’t get pregnant, would there be a problem?

      NO, this letter wouldn’t have even been written if she wasn’t pregnant. The pregnancy IS the problem."

      +1

      There wouldn't be a problem for the guy if she had not gotten pregnant. He's the one who wrote in. Therefore, in evaluating whether or not he should get back with homegirl, it is necessary to take the pregnancy into consideration. How it happened and with whom is something he should take into consideration if he's deciding whether he should stay and be a part of this woman's life, along with her unborn child.

  54. I haven't read any of the comments yet, but let me drop my POV.

    This is a classic case of love n lost. I think dude tried to be Superman and ended up like Chris Reeves in this situation. You cant try to be a badmon, and then repent when you see situation is not what you expect. Its happened to all men. We make decisions with women and regret it. All he can do is let her cook, and eat that mistake. Learn from your mistake fam, and do better with the next woman.

    PS – Leave her alone too! No need for you to mess her head up when she got too much goin on!

  55. @ThirtyThoughts Where have you been these last 31 years? Condoms can and most definitely do break. Sometimes from incorrectly putting them on and sometimes from sex that's a little rougher then it can handle. And these aren't your run of the mill generic brands either. These are the Lifestyles, Durex and Trojans we're talking about.

    1. Exactly!

      People act like their own experiences are the Bible for life….um lets be logical about this, condoms are not made out of steel they are still a material that can tear with applied friction…go back to Physics folks

    2. @Soul06 and QueenB

      I am not simply taking into account my own experiences. In my 31 years, I've had numerous friends and acquaintances and no one has EVER had a problem with the condom breaking, nor have many of them had unwanted pregnancies. Then again, I don't hang with ratchets. Most of the people I befriend are relatively responsible and educated people who wanted to make sure their pregnancies were planned, and those who obviously knew how to properly use a condom. And those that did get pregnant, didn't get that way because the condom broke. It's because they didn't use one at all, and they made it known instead of saying the condom broke.

      Sure, it's embarrassing to get pregnant by some random dude because you didn't use protection, but I wouldn't lie about it, talking about the condom broke. I'd be woman enough to admit I slipped and keep it pushing. I still assume anyone who says it broke is lying…sorry, and that's not just b/c it's never happened to me.

      1. Don't know who these friends and acquaintances are. For all I know they could be soft stroking and/or have no stamina to go the distance. But if you have a sexual session long enough you will dry out that condom and greatly increase the chance to break it. Add rough sex in the mix and the odds shoot even higher.

        I personally have come close to breaking some on a few occasions. If not for the paranoia I have for doing so (plus the difference I felt in the condom) I very likely would have broken atleast one or two of those.

        A quick google search brough up some of the very reasons condoms break

        Several other reasons for condom failure have been mentioned in the literature:

        -opening the package with sharp objects or teeth;

        -incorrect methods of putting on the condom, such as pulling it on like a sock;

        -use of oil-based lubricant;

        -lengthy and vigorous intercourse; <— (what we said)

        -using condoms for non-vaginal intercourse;

        -not holding rim of condom during withdrawal;

        -re-use of condoms.

        Also Durex posted on their website that the percentage of condoms that break are between .4% and 2.3%. So lets says (low balling it) that 2 million condoms get used in 2011. Its quite possible that 46,000 of them are going to break.

  56. I see several of the men folk have a problem with commenters coming down hard on this dude. Pause.

    But, he is the coward in this situation. A coward at best, a selfish b*tch at worse. I understand men go through this phase of punkdom with women where they think lying, omitting the truth, or just disappearing is the "man" thing to do. It isn't, and I wish you all would stop sugar-coating this behaviour, and call it what it is.

    Now, to this brotha, I suggest you leave her alone. Own up to your mistakes, and disappear gracefully into the night. If you think you want to stay around, and if she wants you to stay around, be very sure about your intentions. What do you want from her, what can you provide her, and are you in it to win it, or just happy to be nominated? You can't half-step with this… Either way choose, to leave or to stay, just be very careful. You're dealing with another human being.

  57. "Honestly the first thought that came into my head was that that baby growing in her should be mine. I want to be there, I want to experience that journey with her and be the man she needs…"

    If this is how he feels, he should at least be there for her as a friend while she decides what she wants. He may be jumping the gun because I don't see him mentioning how SHE feels about HIM now. His boys are acting like BOYS do. If he wants to see her through this, he should do just that and just see where it goes. He seems to be pressuring himself to make everything right and that will be as much of a disaster as him abruptly leaving was.

    She has some serious thinking to do about this baby and her/their future. Honestly, writer of the letter, YOU may/should be her last concern right now. Stay in your lane, stop being a narcissist, making this all about YOU. She doesn't need your pressuring her about anything right now. Furthermore, she just needs a friend, not you or anyone else making plans for her life. Life for her will go on whether you stick around or not. She would still have this choice to make whether you stay or go.

    There are many what if's in this situation that will drive them both crazy, but all that needs to be put on the back burner until she decides the most important thing….baby or no baby, that is the question. Until she gets that part out of the way, he needs to be a gentleman and stay outta the way, she has enough going on.

  58. Corey if I get as many women as you claim, then as cliche as it sounds 'there are other fish in the sea." Ones without a seed on the way, so do yourself a favor and move on, you made the decision to leave and she made the decision to sleep with the "study-buddy". You should both deal with your decisions and just make the best out of your situations, APART! #tisall

  59. He needs to keep it moving. It may seem like a good idea to pop back up and play step dad of the year but i dont see their relationship really working out. Women go through various emotions during and after pegnancy. Im pretty sure his leaving her high and dry the first time around is still in the back of her mind. Secondly is he really ready to commit to another dudes kid FOREVER, because even if they break up down the line it would be messed up to just bounce on his responsibility to the kid. Lastly, what if her study buddy hit it out the park lol and shes still sprung??? He seems like hes doing pretty well in the dating game, just move on to the next one and save your self the headache.

  60. Final Thoughts

    Good Afternoon,

    For all those men who are reading & not commenting… Just know that a there is a difference between a mistake & a choice

    And in this case, it was a game-changing choice…

    And I think men who raise other man's children are part of the problem… I think in a twisted way you are encouraging more bad behavior in women…

    Shame needs to come back… The safety net needs to break…

  61. Let me expand on what i said up thread You Corey werent ready to be in a great easy relationship how are you ready to be a dad. Sir either way this goes your maturity level is not ready to handle this type of relationship if she keeps the child, has an abortion, any of that cause her emotions are going to be all over the place for a minute. You couldn't handle a simple easy, good relationship how you gonna handle a hard rough bad one?

    Also for all the slander here on the chick could it not be that she thought her and the "friend " were more than that. That could have been her man (so she thought) and if they were friends for a minute aint like they just met. She could have been stirring that cocoa unprotected with her man. And please dont yall get on her saying yall never did that before. Unfortunately for her not protecting herself she came up pregnant and now all of a sudden he got another girlfriend she knew nothing about.

    But Corey unless you ready to be in her life for the long hall with no resentment like really forgiving her (she is having another mans baby, you will be hurt over that, yes that means moving your ego aside i know its hard sometimes but) and forgetting that this kid is not yours but you will raise them like they are- if you cant do all of that with a smile on your face and love in your heart everyday for the next 18 + years then go for it but if you cant then just walk away and be her supportive friend. Cause what ever decision she decides to make she is definitely gonna need that.

  62. Dude,

    After reading your blog, I was a bit upset with you. How do let someone so endearing to you go? Man, My father always said that we don't know what to do when a good thing comes into our life. You dropped the ball ace… She could have been the one… Now her being pregnant by another dude, is a mystery to me… If she is so into you, how do she allow another brother get in there… Women are some strange creatures… If you truly care about her, then be there for her… As far as the baby is concern, if you love this woman and I do mean being in love with her, you can do what most men won't do and be there for both her and the baby… The question you need to ask yourself is "ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH THIS WOMAN?" Weigh it out ace and when you come to your decision, you will make the right decision. Me, I would have never let her go… finding true love is monster feat… and when you find it you have to recognize it and run with it…

  63. I read a few comments earlier that I would like to address if I get the time, but I would like to start by addressing the author.

    Part I:

    Prior to this woman, you only spent one week at the most with a woman? That’s hardly a healthy habit you’ve set yourself up with, and I’m not just referring to the physical aspect of things. Yours was another deplorable case of a guy taking the easy way out and playing cat-and-mouse games instead of being straight forward and letting the woman know that you weren’t comfortable with the relationship that had blossomed between the two of you, and that you needed to call it quits. That might not have changed a thing as far as her final outcome was concerned, but it’s something that I usually take issue with. What some guys fail to understand is that as hard as it is for a woman in love to deal with a partner leaving her, it’s even harder when he leaves with no explanation in the midst of what seemed to be a blissful romance.

    You feel responsible because you rightfully acknowledge within yourself that you did wrong by her. However, you’re not responsible for her sleeping with another man or getting pregnant. She may have been influenced by overwhelming emotions, but the decisions were hers to make. I’m somewhat perplexed by your claim that you had the chance to step up and be her hero (instead of abandoning her), however. This is a woman who had her life together and was just fine before you came along. She was not in need of a saviour. It’s this same hero complex that is contributing to your current dilemma. Also, your current feelings are not necessarily an indication that you’re more in love with her than you thought. You’re still reeling from the entire situation and, like you said, a part of you feels as though you should be experiencing this journey with her…and your child. While I am aware that people do change, I do not feel as though you’re ready for responsibility of this magnitude. When you went to see her, it was on a whim, and not because you had finally decided to start something worthwhile with her. Based on your previous reaction, I’m more inclined to believe that you may hang around for awhile, but grow to resent her for “putting” you in this kind of a situation. You’ll do more harm than good if you half-step and pull a Houdini on her a second time around. You don’t have to disappear from her life altogether, though. If you can be a good friend to her and provide assistance when needed, then by all means.

    Lastly, it may be wise to start thinking about your relationships with the opposite sex and consider how your current lifestyle could hinder the possibility of establishing something solid with someone special, much like it did with Stacy. If you’re content with not being “the relationship type, PERIOD,” then do your thing. Just don’t be surprised if you end up learning nothing from this experience.

  64. Part II:

    I feel as though the magnitude of scepticism being voiced towards the woman is unwarranted. Is it really that far-fetched that she was not doing anything with the guy but turned to his more than eager arms for comfort when she felt lost and hurt? I don’t know about other women here, but I have guy friends with whom I am not interested in doing anything, but who do not feel the same way. They may not callously take advantage of such a situation as law school guy did, but given such circumstances, the dynamics of a relationship can easily change. I’ve actually been in a position where I did something out of the norm with a now-ex because I was in a vulnerable state (courtesy of the one before him). A lot of assumptions have been made about the woman’s character, and I simply don’t see how anyone can say with conviction that she is a certain way based on this short narrative. I do understand the suspicion arising from the fact that the guy is “this sneaky motherf*ucker who would always be at her house ‘studying,’” but a woman who has something to hide is more likely to make sure that the guy’s presence isn’t felt as much, so as not to raise any eyebrows.

    Adonis, I have to address you specifically. I raise an internal eyebrow ever so often when I go through your posts, as I did just now when I read “Yes, she should have waited… Last time I checked, a decent man is hard to come by”. Am I to conclude that his decency is borne of her attraction to him? Because nothing I have read in the e-mail speaks to a character worth commendation. Mind you, that’s not to say that he’s a horrible person. “X” pretty much severed all ties with the woman, and yet she is somehow expected to sit around, hoping and praying that he will come back? Of course, he has a free pass to go around whoring himself, but she is forever tarnished by the fact that she slept with another man. What if he had never shown up, pray tell?

    Anywho, done going through the comments and can’t think of anything else, so yeah. Fin.

    1. @NaijaSweetz

      Good Morning, Let us get to it…

      Adonis, I have to address you specifically. I raise an internal eyebrow ever so often when I go through your posts,

      Thanks, & Appreciated

      as I did just now when I read “Yes, she should have waited… Last time I checked, a decent man is hard to come by”. Am I to conclude that his decency is borne of her attraction to him?

      We all know that women most of the time, is not checking for character when selecting mates these days… Otherwise, this girl would be having a baby with her husband right now…

      So, I see him as a "decent" man, for two reasons,

      1. He is an attractive man (pause) who caught the eye of a dark skin beauty

      2. He has a conscience… That's it

      Because nothing I have read in the e-mail speaks to a character worth commendation. Mind you, that’s not to say that he’s a horrible person. “X” pretty much severed all ties with the woman, and yet she is somehow expected to sit around, hoping and praying that he will come back? Of course, he has a free pass to go around whoring himself, but she is forever tarnished by the fact that she slept with another man. What if he had never shown up, pray tell?

      Get off of the character bandwagon… Because if your favorite male heartthrob wanted you for a year or two, he could easily have you… Talk about his status… which holds more weight…

      There are gender differences… It is what it is… Women have little rope when it comes to their s*xuality… Make the best of a perceived gender injustice… And if you want to be a wh*re… America is the best place to be to achieve such an easy endeavor… You will not get stoned over here, and maybe celebrated

      And men like him have LEVERAGE… He can get p*ssy for the rest of his life… So, he should have no incentive of settling down, & this situation should be water under a very low bridge… He can do what he wants to women & still be good…

      She is in her s*xual prime… which only is a 10-15 year window (18 – 28) or (15 – 30), she better hop on the first quality man smokin'… And if she becomes a single mom & doesn't look for marriage in that window… She as a dark skin black woman has a very little chance of securing a quality male commitment…

      1. Decency speaks to character, so you can cool yourself with the bandwagon talk. Also, this obsession you appear to have with attractive males and pointing out their appeal is almost disconcerting. You also speak with an authority that you do not possess, but I digress.

        You did not answer the question. What exactly was she supposed to be waiting for, and what if he had never come back? And on the one hand, she should wait for him, but on the other, she should "hop on the first quality man smokin". You're quite frankly all over the place. I'm not going to give myself a headache at this ungodly hour, so I bid you goodnight and happy nonsensical rantings.

        1. @NSweets

          She should have waited for him to come around… Or snag a quality male… But based on her choices in men… That is not her main concern…

          That is why I tell you to shove it, when you bring up character…

          Spare me on the character, decency, morality arguments… Women only care about that when her looks start fading… & she needs a man to take care of ish…

      2. "She as a dark skin black woman has a very little chance of securing a quality male commitment…"

        WoW. No words for that.

        Adonis hun, you must be gorgeous, or have some seriously superhuman quality cause the way you cast judgment upon women…quite disturbing.

  65. I feel that everything happens for a reason.EVERYTHING. I would be quick to say you're actions are filled with guilt but what stops me is that something drew you to her house. I don't think that was an coincidence. It was because 1. you really really liked her 2. you were suppose to be back in her life at that moment. Whether you are to just learn a lesson or you are suppose to be with her. Being drawn to her house and confronted with these circumstances was not an accident but was a divine occurence and you should consider this when making your decision in what to do.

  66. So many people are focusing on condoms and pills as the source/s of birth control. Well my sister got pregnant while she was getting the shot. If failure rate is only 1% that means 100,000 babies for every million times s3x takes place. Let's not assume so much when we don't know all the details.

  67. I think the morals to the story are: 1. If you aren't open to give and receive love be upfront about that or don't date 2. Men need to stop running from good, healthy, loving relationships 3. Leaving women for no good reason and with no explanation will negatively impact a woman's life and dating habits.

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