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Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace

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**The following conversation takes place between 3:45 and 3:49**

Elliot: Honey, can you pass me a beer?



Mercedes: Why don’t you get one of them b*tches to get you a beer…

Elliot: Wha…what are you talkin’ about?

Mercedes: Them b*tches that you had all up on you @ Joe’s BBQ gettin’ you beers…I saw all that…

Elliot: They were sitting right next to the cooler…and that was a whole month ago!

Mercedes: Well we need to talk about your little flirting habit anyway…

**cue “The Talk”**

or

Daisuke: Baby, is something wrong?

Shaniqua: Nope…I’m fine.

Daisuke: You don’t look fine.

Shaniqua: I’m fine.

3 weeks and 1 day later:

Daisuke: ::thinking:: Got the day off…perfect time to catch up on True Blood.

Shaniqua: Umm…why did Julie say she was gonna “See you later” the other day?  Y’all still f*ckin?

Daisuke: You can’t possibly be serious.  That was 3 weeks ago.  Are you on your period?

Shaniqua: Here we go…I can’t stand your ass…

**cue argument**

Man…if I head a dollar for everytime a man has had that conversation with a woman, I’d kill myself if I woke up one day with Bill Gates’ money.  True story.

I’m not pickin’ on the ladies today, I know these conversations can happen both ways, but it’s just easier to frame it from a male point of view because y’all are all f*ckin nuts anyway I’m a guy. (Isn’t that the point of the blog, Capt. Obvious?) Far too often in relationships, sh*t happens during the course of said relationship that aren’t addressed in a timely fashion and by the time they are addressed, it seems to be a moot point.  Whether it be your SO’s tendency to be a bit friendly when you guys are out or the fact they hurt your feelings when they {insert insensitive thing SO’s do to one another}, you can’t let too much time pass before addressing it.   I understand that sometimes you may not feel like addressing a situation right away, or the right time does not immediately present itself, but there needs to be a universal statute of limitations on grievances.

See Also:  The Real Truth Behind Fairy Tale Relationships

Even if you were right, you may just have to let it go after sitting on it for 10 months.  Besides the fact that it’s unfair to blindside someone months later,  if it takes you several months or possibly years to get comfortable enough to talk to your SO about a perceived slight, you shouldn’t be in that relationship or you’re just f*ckin’ crazy.  More often than not, when you wait around to express yourself, emotions begin to snowball and what could have been a 10 minute discussion turns into an hour long argument or possibly worse.

Similarly, if there is a single incident occurs and is already dealt with, there is no need to bring it up in future conversations and/or arguments for whatever reason.   You can’t use something you claimed to have gotten over as leverage in future conversations, because that’s a sure sign that you aren’t over it.  Moving on means just that: move on.    Come to think about it, if you guys are arguing that much, you probably shouldn’t be together in the first place.

In summation: take a sh*t, or get off the pot. Even the government forgets about certain crimes after a while.  Let.it.go.

Has this ever happened to anyone?  Did you smack the person into the wall for bringing up some old sh*t?  Any theories as to why people do this?

See Also:  5 Things I Love About Being Married - From a Man

Remodeling,

 

Comment(46)

  1. Good Morning RCLS….

    This is what I got from the post…

    To the men… When a woman slights you in any way… two ways you are go about it…

    If she is testing you…

    “Indifference is the difference that makes the difference” – Brent…

    Or or she is really out of pocket… Pull her aside and let her know how you would like her to behave… Simple…

    But never let that sh*t slide… Because you are inviting her to treat you even worse… And she will…

    But if your woman is b*tching & Moaning about anything… It is an indicator that your s*x game slipped… Or you are not being the strong s*xy man that attracted her in the first place…

    I tend to be really socially aware (although I like to look dumber on purpose), so I like to address issues as they come up…

    But in the event that I slight someone, the Statute of limitations is only so long… If you can’t be confrontational… That is a character flaw… I would like anyone to bring it to my attention…

    And mostly people do…

    Super Saiyan To The End….

  2. Wow, you are so right,. I'm sitting on something right now that happened maybe two weeks ago with this guy…I keep trying to find the moment I want to bring it up….the main reason I'm hesitant is that I'm not sure if it's even that big a deal..but, it must be, if I keep thinking about right? lol

    I think, women tend to do this more then men do in general…and I am not sure why we do it..I think, we really want to try and keep down confusion as much as possible so we give you a pass…and then you do something else to piss us off…and then we pass that off…and it just keeps building….but, this is a symptom of poor communication….and women we really need to stop doing this…..

    Good post RCLS! 🙂

    1. Queen T I agree that women tend to do this more……many times we bear the weight of the world on our shoulders like its a thin shawl….but we need to stop always trying to be superwomen and just be women.

      Queen T speak your mind girl…..my mom used to tell me "closed mouths don't get fed, if you want something you better open up your mouth and say it" and she was very very right on that.

      1. I definitely always speak my mind..I'm a Sag and we are notorious for that. lol…this is more of a situation where it's like choose your battles….and sometimes you can't make everything a battle….

    2. To Queen T and RCLS:

      I love what you said. I really really do. I am in the same scenario with my potential guy. I planned on talking to him today about something that happened a month ago. This post, RCLS, and your comment Queen T, only encourage me to have this talk because I am still bothered about what happened. My feelings were hurt and I need to let him know.

      "I keep trying to find the moment I want to bring it up….the main reason I’m hesitant is that I’m not sure if it’s even that big a deal..but, it must be, if I keep thinking about right?" <– This is me also. I often struggle to find my voice or have my voice heard. I recognize that problem and I am trying, I guess, to work on it.

      RCLS, thank you for writing this post. It has helped me. You are a gem. =)

      -UBC

  3. Yeah, that's the kind of bullshit people do when either…

    A. They haven't gotten past the initial "slight".

    or

    B. They need ammunition for another totally unrelated beef.

  4. I think most times if we (women) don't address it the moment it happens its because either:

    1. We are too upset to talk at that moment

    2. We may not know how we want to go about addressing it

    3. We need to take a lil while to examine if you're actually in the wrong or if we're trippin… and its not until you do something else (later down the line) that reminds us about the first infraction

    4. Whatever you just did was wrong –but not significant enough to start an argument. So what do we do? Store it in the "bring this shit up later file" until you do something else and it helps us with our case 🙂

  5. Damn…have I told the story of the chick I was talking to for the last month to you? These type of disagreements sound vaguely familiar…

    1. I can sort of relate to you on this one. With me, though, I wasn't necessaritly being purposefully manipulative, but really trying to shift her perspective to see it from my POV.

      In general, many people (men and women) are guilty of selective perception. You just see what you want to see and block out anything that is contrary to your thoughts. For example she may have been upset b/c, let's say, I wasn't holding her hand walking on our date one time. Now she's accusing me of not always acknowleging our relationship. (pretty much accusing of not making it appear we are a couple out in public). Then I respond by giving 15 examples of how I acknowledged said relationship in public….all positive things.

      I feel some women will put much more weight on the 1 or 2 actions that would seem to validate her concerns and take the 15-20 actions that contradict it for granted and not even think about those. smh.

      1. Hmm..this was a response to WIMs post, not sure why it got placed under here. And my original post is now gone. Technical issues I'm assuming *shrugs* It happens..oh well.

      2. "I feel some women will put much more weight on the 1 or 2 actions that would seem to validate her concerns and take the 15-20 actions that contradict it for granted and not even think about those. smh." You're right to an extent. Don't take us pointing out a few places that you're lacking as a complete disregard for the other things you do right. I think a lot of men get defensive & make that erroneous assumption. I mean, if you take out the trash, clean up the kitchen & make the bed, should we be so grateful that you do all these things & never say anything about the socks you leave in the middle of the floor? It's like men are saying, "Be glad I do X, Y & Z & shut your mouth about W." We all have room to improve, just take the feedback & work on it 🙂

        1. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about those broads that always complain, are never satisfied, don't recognize a good man & a come at you wrong. But if I say, "Honey, I know you love me, but when you do X I feel like Y" PLEASE don't run down the list of the other ways you think you make me feel good. It shows a lack of maturity. Truth be told, love, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. You can think you're showing me love, but if those things are not my expression of love, then I'm not feeling love from you. Relationship problems come from poor communication. Both parties need to listen & learn.

        2. I think you're making a slight illusory correlation here with your socks example, but I see the point in which you are coming from. I agree, communication is most definitely key. So when you communicate, "Honey, I know you love me, but when you do X I feel like Y" then I believe its mature of myself to empathize with what you're saying and look at it from your POV, but then express to you how I feel about what you're feeling and describe to you how I feel and give reasons so you can empathize why I agree or disagree with your perception.

          At the end of the day I have no problem coming up with a suitable compromise to benefit all parties if need be, but both parties feelings and opinion on the matter and reasons for those opinions need to be put on the table first.

  6. To answer the questions: Yes but it's reversed….I've had guys who have done this to me….

    I'm the type of person who speaks her mind. I am not good at holding my tongue if I feel some type of way about something. So if I don't like something or something is bothering me I typically let it be known. The only time someone asks me whats wrong and I say "nothing" but it's really something is with my fam, only because I don't want them worrying and stressing about me especially with me living so far away from them. I also say it to folks who I strongly feel could care less about whats bothering me like people I work with…people I know only ask me "whats wrong" as polite conversation..kinda like how folks in Cali say "lets do lunch"

    And I will say nothings wrong if I know for sure the person who is asking me can't do a damn thing to help me.

    I'm not a person who "needs" to vent my frustrations and worries..honestly I do that with God…..*smile*

    Right now my only worry is financial and making sure I can have a good enough nest egg and don't have to work when I'm like 80 yrs old because I have no income and the government is providing.

    other than that I'm stress and drama free…..*smile*

    As for do I forever hold a grudge…hell no..I've lost both my parents and just had a lot of family members and friends die. If nothing else that has taught me that life is too short to hold grudges and for dumb stuff.

    So imo the past is black history and should be left in the past. At some point you have to let it go and move on.

    As to why people may do this…I think because no matter how hard they try some folks cannot let go.

    Like they say, even those that can forgive, never ever forget.

    Now me being a woman let me just mention this LexSteele: Sometimes when a woman expresses what her needs, wants, and desires are it really doesn't mean shit to the man and she may as well be talking to herself. She talks til she is blue in the face and not a damn thing changes.

    The man makes more excuses about why he's not doing whatever the woman asked of him or keeps saying he will get to it (and never does). The woman gets frustrated that nothing changes or gets done so she stops wasting her time saying anything.

    Now I've asked some guys about this and they say "if thats the case then that nigga ain't shit and doesn't care about what you want or need so why stay with him"

    But I would like to know what your opinion is.?

  7. LOL. Well I know sometimes women don’t bring up the issue right away because when they first see it happen they don’t want to look insecure or crazy (like the flirting with other women thing) so they just ignore the feeling and act like it doesn’t bother them, they want to seem like the cool girlfriend/non-nagging female. But what happens is you don’t get the memo that she’s not comfortable with what you’re doing (mostly her fault for not telling you) and the she feels like you’re doing said action on purpose and what use to be a feeling she could ignore become: Dareell: Hey Babe can you pass me the remote , Keshia: How bought you have that hoe Cindy that you always flirting with at work pass you the remote , since yall so friendly with each other

    1. Right, 90% of the time, if something disturbs me, i'll tell you to your face, and if you don't like it, then you don't, But the other 10% if I'm really angry , i'll tell the person: "I'm really pissed but i don't want to deal with this now, we'll talk about it later: Then i put it in a drawer in my mind, and let it go for the time being, until I'm ready to handle it like an adult instead of shooting you, but the point is, the ball is in my camp because the wrongdoer already made a move.

      1. "But what happens is you don’t get the memo that she’s not comfortable with what you’re doing (mostly her fault for not telling you) …"

        THIS! That's why I speak up sooner than later. Plus, mental images and thoughts will drive you crazy the longer you let it simmer. I understand taking a few moments to calm down if you are the exploding type, but addressing the issue shortly after the infraction allows the person to relate what you are saying to what they did.

        1. "But what happens is you don’t get the memo that she’s not comfortable with what you’re doing (mostly her fault for not telling you) …"

          THIS! That's why I speak up sooner than later. Plus, mental images and thoughts will drive you crazy the longer you let it simmer. I understand taking a few moments to calm down if you are the exploding type, but addressing the issue shortly after the infraction allows the person to relate what you are saying to what they did.

        2. "Plus, mental images and thoughts will drive you crazy the longer you let it simmer."

          Exxxactly!!! Why put yourself through that mental anguish?

        3. co-sign I can't do it anymore if I don't say it right then or hit him with a listen what just happened right now pissed me off so once i've calmed down we are going to talk about it!

    2. Lol isn't it weird how we try so hard to appear sane when it's the crazy chicks that guys go for? I think sometimes a guy will be confused when I DON'T start arguments. I mean…I spent 4 years arguing with a dude. I have no arguments left. Go borrow some from him.

  8. I like this post!

    I like to get those hard questions out of the way within hours after the "perceived slight.” I am not a grudge holder by nature, so the sooner I get it out of my system, the sooner I feel better. I may stay upset for about a couple hours and then it is back to life as usual.

  9. If you wrong someone, it is up to THEM, whenever they want to let it go, if ever.
    I had that discussion with an now ex friend, she fell that I should let her sleeping with my ex go, not for her but for my own sake. I'm like bi-tch what? I'm not sitting home all sad or angry over you, I don't even think about you like that , I just don't want you in my life, how you gonna do me wrong and tell me when I should get over it?

  10. Here is my take on this: If You do someone wrong, it is up to them, when they want to let it go, how and if ever. I feel like men and some shady women, hate it when people "Bring up old sh-t" because it puts their nasty ways on blast; For example:

    me: "You slept with her too? you already slept with that other trick"

    him: "Why you bringing up old stuff"

    Because it pertains to my POINT. How you going to do something wrong to me, and put a status of limitation on when i should let it go? I'm not feeling this post today Lex, But to each it's own.

    1. They can let it go by leaving the relationship. It's no use staying in the relationship and using your S/O as some form of emotional pinata, just because you can't let go off some old ish. You staying in the relationship automatically sets a limitation on when to let it go.

  11. "In summation: take a sh*t, or get off the pot."

    Basically!!

    I'm not a very confrontational person but at the same time I don't let things simmer and build up because I am not an overly emotional person, it has to be something serious in order for me to have a BF (b!tch fit) moment and the outcome can go FAR LEFT real quick when it wasn't even necessary. So if there's an issue and I feel it's something I need to get off my chest I going to address it as soon as possible and once it's over it's done, I don't re-hash, we move on from there.

  12. Sheeeeit – I'm not really one to hold back on how I'm feeling. Think of me as a Now and Later -we gone talk about it NOW and we gone talk about it LATER, lol. We gone talk about it til I'm tired of talking about it, then you can just feel the heat of my glare and some heavy sighs. We gone talk about it until the THOUGHT of doing it again makes you so mutha fuggin' tired of me talkin bout how you made me feel "x" when you did "y" and whyyyeee would you do "y" that you just lay down and take a nap.

  13. For the most part, I say whatever I need to say to whoever I need to say it to whenever I need to say it. I'm always one WTH away from "A [email protected]@a Moment", lol. "Hot Head" is in my DNA. I am very confrontational…but I'm a lady with it, lol. I don't get loud and hood. I just become very direct and serious…and my raised eyebrow will relay the rest (if looks could kill, I'd be in a maximum security facility for multiple murders), lol. I rarely let anything slide. My only saving grace is that I'm not easily offended, lol. But, once I am, we will have words…and my goal at the time is to bring home my point…not spare your feelings.

    I love Tokyo Brown's list upthread though. And, if I ever do pause before confronting a situation, her list sums up why. The only other reason I may refuse to discuss something is if I know there will be no resolution or a break down in communication. I hate talking in circles…so, if the situation was really bad, we probably won't EVER talk again.

    But, I can't hold in my displeasure long. I have a 2-3 day max. I can't function with internal turmoil…

  14. Me, personally. I try to speak up as soon as possible because the longer i let the situation re-play in my mind, the more disoriented I get. A small issue can easily turn into "Is ScorpionTee gonna have to choke a nicca??!" within a matter of hours. Its almost as if my mind makes the situation seem worse than what it is…..but im working on that though 🙂

  15. This is so funny but I have not done this in many years. I don't have time to let things simmer because me blowing up is never pretty so I try to never let that happen.

    I do remember it happening to me – we were taking a break (his idea) np. I go out with my guy friend course) and apparently he was there too – I didn't know because I didn't see him I was doing me.

    So of course about 3 weeks after we get back together we get into it and he says " call that ninja with the black SL55 and have him do it for you" me: WAIT WHAT??????? him: "yeah I saw your a$$ at Twist – go be with that ninja then!!" me: OH ok and you didn't speak? Cool so what do you really want to do?

    LOL Can I just say I turned 10 different colors cause I am like what does HE have to do with you doing what you're supposed to do???????? WE WERE ON BREAK!!!

    1. Co-Freakin-Sign Nina…..thats what I’ve had happen to me….they hit you with that “I need my space” then throw all kinds of ish up in your face and your like..”hold up, I wasn’t even wit yo azz then and you said it was cool and all good so remind me again why your trippin”

      Somebody do a post on “Games” if it’s been done please repost…..this is the problem nowadays…..to many folks playing silly azz childish games….don’t nobody have time for that……smdh.

  16. I got mad at my ex because he would ignore my calls/texts but then tweet/fb from his phone. When I started an argument about it, he pulled that same "why you wait so long to bring it up?" crap. Um…because your ass was ignoring me!

  17. I was going through this recently; I don t know if its quite the same but heres the situation:

    In short, I feel that I have traumatized a former partner somewhat. Me and her are cool now, everything civil (ups and down granted but we're buddies!) However, there was one time months ago I still think I need to apologize for.

    Due to the fact that it could potentially affect how her relationships may progress later on intimacy wise, I want to apologize for it so that she knows it was not right in any way and hopefully doesnt misread the next guy because of it.

    I dont feel guilty because she is holding it over me because she is not, nor has she mentioned it again, but I think it is imperative she knows.

  18. “Any theories as to why people do this?”

    Revenge, the desire to manipulate, Insecurity, and possibly the innate desire to nag when sh*t hits the fan.

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