Home Featured The Five Relationships You Have Before You Find the One

The Five Relationships You Have Before You Find the One

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Behind every married man or woman there usually can be found a number of men and women who, at some point, thought they might be the one but were lost along the way. We rarely talk about these relationships, these stepping stones to the altar because ultimately, marriage is the holy grail of relationships; once one hits that pinnacle, everything that came before seems to pale in comparison. But those relationships deserve better because without them there’s a good chance we’d never have been able to recognize the real thing when we found it. Over the years, I’ve noticed that of all the different iterations of romantic relationships five stand out as the ones we have before we settle down. In today’s post I want to identify each and discuss why they’re important.

5. I Know

Have you ever been addicted to another human being? Ever had someone who you could not bring yourself to not be around regardless of how healthy or unhealthy being around that person might be. Sometimes, the chemistry between you and another person mixes in such a way that it just seems impossible to separate yourself from that person. The weird part is that you might not even be particularly attracted to them, you might not be that fond of their personality and they might not even be that great in bed – still though – you can’t seem to get away.  I’ve been in an addictive relationship before. The kind where you keep going back to each other despite your relationship status – I’m glad I experienced it before getting married. The addictive relationship is important because it’s a reminder that you are human. It’s a reminder that you’re capable of inexplicable attraction and that feeling has you trippin, nose wide open… it’s your addiction and the only way to break it is to avoid it.

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4. Rolling In The Deep

We all like to say that we have no regrets in life. We pretend that we wouldn’t change anything that’s happened to us because doing so would prevent us from becoming the person we are today. I hear all that and that sounds nice, but I’m pretty sure I would have turned out alright even if I took back a one or two previous relationships.  If there’s not a person in your life that you wish you never fell for there’s a good chance that you’re the person someone wishes they never fell for. I know that for one person on this Earth I’m the person she wishes she never fell for. I’ve promised myself I’ll never write a post about her, but what I will say is that from that relationship I learned that it’s completely possible to love someone who doesn’t love you and will never love you. Loving someone that doesn’t love you is the most impossibly pointless endeavor anyone can ever find themselves sucked into and usually, when you finally pull yourself away you realize that you learned nothing, gained nothing, and lost – for a time – everything.  When the scars of your love remind you of the fact that you could have had it all, and didn’t, you’ll probably wish you’d never had met that person.

3. Freakn’ You

It’s completely possible to marry ‘the best you’ve ever had’ but most likely you won’t. This is something that a lot of people will never admit to, but for most of us there’s one person who will always have the only key to unlocking certain carnal sides of our nature. These are the parts of our bedroom personalities that we never knew existed till we found ourselves letting them loose with that one person. It could be a number of things, I’m not going to get to listing them here, but let your imagination run for a little bit. Think about that thing you did that time that you never thought you’d do, but also know you’ll never do with the person you marry. Some things are just in the DNA of some relationships and other things are not. When the DNA of a particular relationship includes the best sex you’ve ever had and ever will have, it’s hard for you to deny each other when the opportunity presents itself – but you have to I mean, when your wife calls, are you really gonna play it off like she’s your cousin Dawn?

2. Bestfriends

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It’s really common for a man and woman to develop a friendship and then have that friendship develop in to a romantic relationship. In my mind, this is actually the ideal way for a relationship to be born. But every so often, the opposite happens. You meet someone and begin dating them with the explicit understanding from jump, that the relationship is romantic in nature; but somewhere along the line you realize you guys make a terrible couple but awesome friends. If most of the time, you argue and fight, learn to make her your best friend. The thing that’s great about this relationship is that you can use that person as the prototype for your future mate. You want someone who has all of the things that make them best friend worthy, but none of the stuff that makes the two of you incompatible. Plus, they know you better than your friends know you because in attempting to date them they saw a side of you your friends never see and can share that with their friends who might be actually be perfect for you. They’ll be your biggest spokesperson consistently championing your awesomeness.

1. I Guess I’ll See You Next Lifetime …

There’s something wonderfully heartbreaking about meeting a person who’s perfect for you at a time in your lives when that perfection can not be explored. In the movies, love is worth moving mountains, uprooting lives, breaking hearts and whatever other sacrifice needs to be made for the guy and girl to end up together. In real life, it ain’t that type of party. Real life is real and sometimes fate just isn’t on your side. You can’t always give up everything for love. The good thing is, these sorts of relationships can end up being beautiful when you end up finding someone who makes you just as happy. When you do, you’re left with no regrets but instead warm memories of these near-love stories that you look forward to sharing with your kids when they’re old enough to understand life’s complexities.

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Where do you all stand? Have you had any of the above relationships? If so how have they helped you as you’ve progressed further on down the line toward settling down? Are you in one of these relationships right now? If so, please over share, we’d love to hear what you’re experiencing. Summer is still hot. SBM NYC Happy Hour coming up soon. Till then, y’all know where I am… low and firing.

 

Comment(207)

  1. This is a great a post! I really enjoy it! I think sometimes a relationship can have more than one of the elements mentioned above. But in the end they are all helpful lessons!

        1. lol, Looks as though you already have yourself a couple of fans. It usually takes people a little longer to acquire those. Unless you've been stalked from some other forum/blog.

        1. lol I completely missed the "first" part. That makes a little more sense now. I was wondering why a person would get thumbed down simply for coming out of the woodworks. I suppose I've hit the low-literacy portion of my day.

      1. MS. Dulce,
        I couldn't agree with you more… this is a great post…. I have had my share of relationships and so far I have not found that one yet.. I just came of the "FRIENDSHIP" relationship which really knocked me down for a little while… I was so in love with this one and to lose her has me rethinking relationship all together… Not sure I want to be in another one ever again…

        1. " I was so in love with this one and to lose her has me rethinking relationship all together… Not sure I want to be in another one ever again…"

          @ Clint

          This is exactly how I feel right now. As true as this is I would not like to think I have to go through all this to find the one, I am tired of opening up and investing my times and energy for unsuccessful relationships. I dont want to do that anymore, I am just tired.

        2. @ Dulce,

          Tired isn't the word. I have retired from relationships… This last one really did me in… I was ready for marriage again. This relationship made feel like no other relationship and I just knew that she was finally the one, the one that GOD has chosen for me. Not even my marriage to my ex wife made me feel so secure as my last relationship. Then something went wrong and I am still soul searching to see what role in the relationship demise did I play. So, now I have women approaching me left and right and I don't have the passion to even want date… I'm through. I hope all works out for you… I know for me, the end has come… My focus is raising my nine year old daughter and seeing her off as a productive individual…

        3. @ Dulce, Faith is gone… Time now to get Clint in gear… Make Clint happy… Thanks for the prayer and support…

      1. NYC Dear! I have actually been reading this blog for a very long time. I rarely comment but today I had to give my .02 cents!

  2. Wonderful post. I've pretty much experienced every one of those relationships and now, I'm thinking I've got something stable going. It's that one moment that makes you realize you have youe always & forever. 🙂

    1. Really glad you liked the post, and I wanna know more about your situation, but I feel like you had a typo at a really key moment in your comment so I'm a little unsure how to proceed. Care to clarify? Thanks for reading though…

      1. Sure. Yep, I sure did have a typo (forgive me, Swype has a mind of it's own sometimes). I think in life you have those five relationships that do sort of point you toward the right relationship. I think they are like arrows. I was expressing that when you find the person you really can/will make it with there comes a point where you realize this is going to be my life partner.

        Awkward as it is, I am going to just put myself on out there: I have been in a great relationship for awhile now. We have had some glitches but we have hung in there. In my past, I've always been the person doing ALL the fighting to keep it together and now, it is evident that I'm not in the ring by myself. Every prayer I have ever prayed is answered in this one person BUT not one of those prayer centered on finding, getting or keeping a mate. They were general life things. He has made those things happen because he makes me want to be better and NOT for him but for me. To be honest, I don't know if there are even enough words out there to help me describe what the feeling is like. I know we tried over the weekend and I gave a slew and he gave a phrase and that still didn't sum up what we have. It's a grand compilation of every love song ever written with the realization that with true love… anything can be overcome especially when you're doing it with your best friend.

        (I hope I was clear… I get a tad emo!)

        1. Really happy for you Jaci. This was emo as hell but I love it though. There's nothing better than coming to the realization you seem to have come to. I wish this for everybody and I wish you guys the best of luck as you move forward. Can I get a wedding invite? Tryna get my Cupid Shuffle on … to the left to the left to the right to the right.

        2. @Animate Thanks doll!

          @TMIMITW- Of course you can! He and I both love that dance 🙂 Yes, I don't even know how I got there but I swear it's so refreshing to know this feeling and I don't even know how I got here. It's truly amazing.

          @Naija-Thanks girl!

  3. OK so my nuptials must be coming soon based on this post LOL (jokes)! You've done it again Most. I love everything about this post.

    I am currently in #2. I love him he loves me, its understood. We met at work 7 years ago and never dated. Then we both found ourselves in ATL (living and working) and started dating but it never really exploded. (I mean no deed just serious making out) We've dated other people and and always seem to end up together. People think we are married actually because we are together so much. Especially at this particular restaurant we frequent – a couple of weeks ago the host said "ma'am your husband has been seated " Umm yeah I met him up there LOL so when I got to the table I said ma'am he's not my husband he doesn't even like me – OMG he got so mad but I thought it was funny. He's my F.A.B (fake ass boyfriend) and I would love to marry a man like him but for some reason………. Yeah – ok I need a glass of wine and some tissue.

    1. This is pretty interesting. I've had a situation where I had a friend who, at the time seemed perfect for me but eventually ended up becoming my best friend. For us it was a matter of timing. I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship at the time, and knew if I committed the relationship would fail and I'd probably also ruin the friendship in the process. I'm interested to know what it is about him that makes you guys incompatible. What do you think it is?

      1. Most – Initially it was timing he was dating and I wanted a boyfriend and he couldn't make that commitment (the reason we didn't sleep together). So as time went along you learn more about a person as friends and I think we both have some things about they may be non-negotiable. Honestly, (and we know I can over share – but want to be real about it) I'm a Cali girl and he's from Alabama so his ideal wife is very different from who I am. I told him I am not going to change the core of me, I can compromise but not change. Let's be clear he never asked me too but all of those nights of deep conversation told me what he wanted and it didn't sound like she was me…. so I love my friend but I let the dream die. No one understands it, his friends, my friends, but it just is. I hope that explains it.

        Its funny though after I got out of my last relationship he said I thought you were going to marry that dude. Me: I did too but you don't seem sad for me. Him: I'm not Me: that's just selfish because you don't want me can we admit out moment has passed. Him: "the moment never passes"!

        Yeah OK …….. what is that about?

      1. Crap! Before this starts a firestorm-I fat fingered the dislike button, it was supposed to be a like. As in, I agree, Nina is so cute and I'm glad that she shared.

  4. I've had #5. It's since then turned into a bit of #2, although I wouldn't quite call him my best friend, and I will not be using him or our current relationship as a prototype of any sort. We simply still have that initial chemistry that got us together and we..I..decided we need to be just friends, and we're doing just that. There aren't many people I truly give a damn about, and he's been on the list for more than half a decade. No one attempting to be a fixture in my life has anything to worry about, though, because I've been there, done that, and moved on. It was an important relationship for me because it exposed my naivete, taught me some valuable lessons, helped me to become more firm about what I will and will not tolerate (the ones who came after him have furthered these lessons as well), and it taught me that I can actually really, really, really like somebody. Enough to do things that don't make sense. I don't like doing things that don't sense. But I digress.

    I actually haven't had up to five relationships, and I've never had an active dating life. I'm curious to see what the future has in store in the way of relationships, if anything at all.

    1. Not everyone one of the relationships above was a defined relationship where we were committed to each other. Some of these, for me, were relationships without the typical gf/bf boundaries.

      I'm sure there's more in store for you though…

  5. Ahh this post reminds me of how young I am and how far I have to go. I have yet experienced any of these relationships before. The closest is maybe #4 but I don't really regret being with them I'm just glad I stopped dating them when I did. I have a lot to experience because I'm still a newbie where relationships are concerned!

    1. Join the party we on the same boat… Newbie's

      Yes idk if I really want to experience all of these I've had a little of number 3 but when we finally got to the finale, it wasn’t a show stopper. I’m currently having a number 5 situation lol it isn’t horrible but I’m young so if it hits the fan I’ll bounce back. I feel like if I actually experience all of these in their entirety I’ll probably take me until I’m 40 to find the one.

  6. I'm SO addickted (#5) because he's #3 and #2…I'm glad you feel these are stepping stones; I fear it's a road block.

    Interesting write Most.

    1. "I’m SO addickted (#1) because he’s #3 and #4…"

      This is exactly what I felt (assumes you had the numbering wrong).

      "Loving someone that doesn’t love you is the most impossibly pointless endeavor anyone can ever find themselves sucked into "

      Yea but it doesnt seem this way when he is also (#3) (best I ever had) That love hormone will have you explaining away all wrong. It took 5 years to beat that addiction (#5).

      1. I feel you, my numbering wasn't wrong though. I don't regret anything about him outside of the fact that he never fully reciprocated my love, but that's out of my hands now isn't it. I can't imagine never having met him.

        I'm fully addicted to him because he is the best friend and lover I've ever known. And the fact that I'm speaking in present tense is what truly scares me.

        Five years, you say? EFF!

        1. Hah! I meant #(5)

          yea… I feel you…

          But if your's was a (5,3,2) it seems like it should work. lol! Mine was a (5,4,3)… I treated him like a priority while he treated me like an option. SMH… But the chex was good! He made me have compassion for drug addicts. Yea… you know its fcuking up your life but that high…

        2. Girl! I swear to GOD that I now understand addicts. Like I used to be all "how could you do that to your body? That's just stupid. Why would anybody, etc, etc, etc…" But now I know….*stares off into space*…oh, I know…

    2. OH girl I have been there sheesh! It's only going to be a roadblock if you don't grow from it. I know you will girl!

  7. I love this post!!! I can say I've had every relationship you've described. It has certainly influenced my dating life…. Each one has taught me valuable lessons. The most beneficial thus far has been the "best friend" it gave me clarity of the things I want and need from a partner. My "best friend" also helped me become a better woman because he was able to spotlight the areas in my dating life that aided in the demise of our relationship so that i could in turn assess and correct.

  8. Most, great post dude!

    Ok, so I have had every one of these experiences thus far. My #1 (who obviously isn't my "number one") was hard to walk away from. You know when you are so enamored with someone you don't know how you will ever love again?!?! Then you do and you meet a #3 and then you think you are in love because your body calls for them? That is some mess….LOL. Let me shut up….it's late.

  9. My dear number five smh. But I wish we could have fell into the number four category but he found a women who makes him happy and decided because of our romantic past it would be disrespectful to continue contact with me but that we would always be friends. Pretty much broke my heart. I still go to pick up the phone to talk to my bestie then I realize that's a call I can't make. It hurt but I respect it. If she's the one hey I guess I understand being given up but a tiny side of me wonders if there was any way around it. Id understand if I was a random ckick but we actually had a friendship in there. Ughhh oh well. Maybe next lifetime. Or next year hehe *evil laugh* when u find the one would u give up your friends for her? The #4 friends I mean?

      1. I do truly care for his happiness so id never do anything to mess his good thing up. I'm also a firm believer in karma so I can't go there. An incredibly small piece of me every once in a while misses him and I selfishly wish he becomes single so I can have my friend back but that thought only last for a Sec plus my desire for his happiness does outweigh my selfish wants so for now I wish him the best.hey I'm only human. 🙂

  10. Hey, y'all! I'm new to posting here and this definitely struck a chord with me. I'm going through #1 right now 🙁

  11. So I think I've had all of these in some shape, form or variation. The catch is, one person represents multiple of the above numbers. So I'm hoping I can swindle the powers that be, and avoid having to experience each independent of one another. LoL.

    The major relationship started as a 5, developed some aspects of a 3, and ended in a 4 (I must unfortunately use the term ended quite loosely because, he still pops up periodically and throws me all off course. Smh This must an emotional tactic of some sort.)

    My 2 was great because we never actually had a relationship. We were best friends, speaking daily, and usually for hours on end. I think all that is what made me think I might have romantic feelings for him, but in the end I never expressed that, he went back to his ex, and I learned sooo much about certain qualities that were non-negotiable for me in a mate, with no pain involved! #Win

    My #1 is happening now. He's amazing, thus far and almost everything I could ask for in a man. He also gets and accepts me for me. I'm far from your average female (odd combo of guitar playin, sports fanatic, sorority girl, and other ridiculously random mixes) which many just don't understand. Problem: he's in a different time zone. There arent many concepts that scare and stress me out more than a long distance relationship. They seem to go against everything I love most about relationships (I'm a certified cuddle monster!) We're not quite there yet, as far as being in a LDR but its been hinted, and I am AVOIDING the discussion!

    Anyways I've overshared and I blame Most for inviting me to do so. The question is have I done my time? Lawd I hope so cuz I do not care to deal with anymore!

    I'm with @NinaFontaine, I'm bout due for a "ranggg."

    1. Mina, not to put our business out there on the street, but i'm not sure how I feel about the fact that I've known you all these years and am finally getting to really know you via SBM. The matrix is real.

      1. LOL! Thats because for all these years you being the Most Interesting Man In the World (*sidebar SBM fam, that title is so accurate!) I've pretty much preferred to listen to you share your experiences/perspectives and hope to learn something in the process rather than get started rambling, which I tend to do…lol!

        Better late than never though! Luv ya like cooked food!

        P.S.- Have I sufficiently done my time though?! LOL

  12. I haven't experienced the best friend one. I don't date friends. I put people into categories and friends just can't cross over like that. Seems like my life recently has been, see you next lifetime *cues Erykah*

    Next time can you tell us what the ONE looks like or feels? How will I know? LOL!

  13. I've had all except #2…though, looking introspectively, my #2 could be #3. Which would explain so much. Lol. Sadly, #1 and #5 are the same person for me. It's tough because we both know what could be, but understand why it won't be. We've fell in out out for one another. It's been a vicious cycle over SEVERAL years.

    Great post!

  14. I haven't had many of these, and I can't tell if that's a good or a bad thing. I do think I've possibly had a #1. I really wish that didn't sound like a fast food order. Anyway, I know, like you I've never had #4, but I've been one.

    So if I had to add to the soundtrack of love I'd throw on Kanye (the pre-Throne version) 'cause I've definitely had to let some know it'd be better to runaway as fast as you can 'cause I knew I wasn't ready – or willing – for what they were looking for.

      1. yeah i liked the music theme. and i didn't realize until the second one as well.

        you're like the male version of me when it comes to blogging/writing, Most. lmbo. it's so funny to me.

        1. I'd be lying if I said I didn't make the first one a little harder to catch on purpose. It's way more rewarding when you have that 'oh sh*t moment" and then you gotta go back and re-read the other joint. I love that yall notice. I be tryin really hard to give yall a good experience when yall come to the blog n ish…

        1. #5 Is one of Hov's most underrated joints: it's called "I Know." It basically compares an addictive relationship between lovers to the addiction a person might have for dope (in the first verse), or to material things (in the second verse).

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v8Up-BfOCKg&ob

          #2 Is a joint called BestFriends from Musiq's first album. It's a conversation between a man and a woman about how to salvage a failing relationship.

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ufpAmwdLieI

        2. See now this post has a totally different tone for me – I love the soundtrack OMG Most ……..

        3. "I caught that three were songs but didn’t know about the other two. What songs were #5 and #2?"

          No one is surprised.

          😉

  15. You guys should be more upset at Most than you typically are. Here he is writing this post and now women will think, "I've had all these, my Prince is coming soon!" And sadly, that's actually not the case.

    I think for women it's like Powerball and that's why they react the way they do when they get engaged. A girl can have all these relationships and still be single. Every memoir or autobiography i've read by Black women has always had a character who was that dude who stayed around too long and eventually ended up being the reason why they're still single. (Despite the fact that he MIGHT have been married to that woman.) So yes, she's going to have a guy who's not all that into her, a guy she wishes she could stop sleeping with, she'll have a guy that she has great chemistry with but their signs never align, she'll have a guy she loved but he didn't love her back and she'll have a guy that she says is her "best friend" but she is NOT that dude's best friend. That's going to happen and she'll still be single.

    For men, they just know. It's hard to explain because it really hurts women's feeling, but we just know when we know. You meet a girl and there's something about her and barring any unforeseen circumstances beyond you guy's control, you're pretty sure that you're ready to settle down. A lot of women could save themselves the trouble of relationships that last years in limbo by asking a guy early on, "Do you see me as the type of person you can marry or settle down with?" THEN, go tell a married man or man in a serious relationship what he tells you and how he reacted verbally and non-verbally. I've dated two women that i've been able to say wholeheartedly I could see myself being content with them for the rest of my life. I knew almost from the moment I first laid romantic eyes on them that I felt that way.

    Then there's the ones who got left by the waste side…

    5) Thank God for New Year's Revelations. The resolutions get way too much credit, it's the revelations that are the best. The, "I'm gon' stop f*cking with your ass" revelations are better than gold.

    4) Have I loved someone who didn't love me? Yep, my freshman year of college and once I got that out of my system and put alcohol in it. I was fine. LOL. I'm kinda kidding, but i'm serious. I think once you get that first one out your system as a man, you're fine. I have had a girl tell me she loved me and she meant it, she asked me to say it back and that's when I said, "I think I best be going."

    3) This was hard. Great chemistry, but I knew it wasn't going anywhere. I just told her one morning, "this has to stop." Told her to do whatever she needed to do to stop sleeping with me because there would be no real chance of anything coming of the relationship.

    2) I told a girl straight up, she wasn't my best friend and she should stop considering me hers. I'm a man that's what men do. They don't screw around with women's feelings.

    1) I met a girl one time we were both in relationships but we had a connection like none other. It got so bad that we both mutually deleted each other's contact information at the same time. Didn't talk to her, or facebook her, or even reach out. We saw each other once at a convention of sorts, chemistry came alive again, but I was in a relationship and she wasn't. Decided again to steer clear out of respect of our current situations. Lost contact for maybe 4 years. Woke up one day and saw that stupid pesky Facebook friend recommendation and clicked on it. Called my neo up to tell him what I did too, his response, "You've got it bad, but she always asks about you." She didn't respond for maybe 2 weeks and then when she did, she updated her page to say, "Married." When she finally accepted, she didn't even bother to say anything and I left her a message that said, "I know." She returned me a message that I won't share, but it was probably the most powerful message i've received in years and she didn't use a word.

    1. I'm not saying that you have to experience all of these before you get married, nor am I saying that if you have experienced all of these it means you're going to get married, what I'm saying is, most people who are married have experienced all or most of these at some point. This post is about reflection not prediction.

      1. I know you didn't mean that Most, but you know how people read. Sometimes they miss out on a critical part because they are listening to the pied piper of blogging.

      2. "what I’m saying is, most people who are married have experienced all or most of these at some point."

        Day Late But……

        Honestly, MIMITW I have not experienced any of your 5 points and I was married a little over a decade before separating but then again……. *mindwondersoff*

    2. J..at least you were honest with these women…the truth hurts ONCE..a lie can potentially destroy everything around it….much respect.

    3. "I’ve dated two women that i’ve been able to say wholeheartedly I could see myself being content with them for the rest of my life. I knew almost from the moment I first laid romantic eyes on them that I felt that way."

      What was it about them?

      1. I'm curious, too. I've had a couple guys talk about marrying me before they even really got to know me. I can't imagine guys really think this way, but I guess sometimes they do.

        1. Dudes could actually feel that way but I think most of the time its more of an infatuation.They may be in love with the you they've created in their mind.Its, eady to make someone your perfect mate in your mind, but that usually starts to dissolve as things pr

        2. Dudes could actually feel that way but I think most of the time its more of an infatuation.They may be in love with the you they've created in their minds. Infatuation is a very dangerous drug.

        3. Yeah I think I get it. Guys "project" and are attracted to what they think I am, rather than actually getting to know me first. Chicks do that, I just didn't think guys did.

        4. I just noticed how those messages came thru.I'm not very good with typing from the phone.My bad for that…..Dudes definitely project too though, I think projection is part of human nature.

      2. Krystl — You know it comes down to the "it" factor. Men can very rarely explain it and it differs for every man. I think for those two women it was a genuine feeling that 50 years from now I could be with them and not be upset with myself. I wouldn't be annoyed by them, wouldn't feel that I was missing anything. IN FACT, that's what it is right there, "I wouldn't feel that I was missing anything." There is some like mystical part of it too.

        With the first, the second I met her, I followed her around until she finally gave me her number. I walked her back to her dorm room and then asked if she wouldn't mind if I walked her everywhere she needed to go on campus. And the next day, I was there at 8:20AM to keep doing that until she gave me some more play. Kept at it for ten straight months until she finally let me put a title on it. It didn't take long for me to know that I wouldn't mind being with her for the rest of my life.

        The second, I felt like she knew exactly who I was and wasn't going to try and change me beyond reason. And for those of you who know me personally, you know that i'm no saint, and i've got my basket of sh*t with me. But to know me, and still be interested in me, I thought that made her a definite winner. I guess it's that whole, "you and all your faults" type of thing.

        1. That first one is what romantic movies are made of. The lovable stalker situation it was. If you don't mind me being nosy. How long did it last? That second one reminds me of Beyonce's "Flaws and All." How long did that one last too?

    4. good point. i think the one mistake i see my women friends make is thinking they can "make" a man marry them. or somehow convince him. or wear him down. and actually, the 'wear down" works sometimes, but who wants to marry a man you had to wear down into marrying you? boo to all of that. i'd like my husband to "just know" as well. and he will, dammit. lol. or i'm not marrying him.

  16. I've been through all of these at some point…Number 5 was the worst…I KNEW that relationship wasn't even close to the right thing to do…and still took my crazy self back over there…over….and over…again. I tried number 2 at least twice and it ended in these little words…"I don't have time for this bs…don't worry about calling me again." Yeah, I said it. Trying to be BFF's is all fun and games until BeBe has a new man.

    My number 4…Lord…my number 4 is also number 5. That had to have been the absolute lowest point of young life. I really wish I had never met that joker.

  17. I may be a bit cynical coming off of a failed marriage…but, I will say this, sometimes the one you marry isn't necessarily THE ONE…I know it's supposed the be..I felt like I had married THE ONE, too..until the marriage started to unravel….I don't believe in THE ONE…I believe marriage is hard work and dedication and if two people are willing to do that…you can have THE ONE with alot of different people…at different times in your life…..

    As for this list…I have experienced a few of these relationships before marriage..and then one for sure, afterwards…..but, the fact of the matter is, as you are going thru life and dating you are going to experience many of these relationships as you march towards marriage..it's just inevitable.

    Good Post MOST…I know I may come off a bit cynical..(because I am) lol…but, I am trying…hey, I may end up married again…..I'm not totally writing it off. MOST, your marriage to Mrs Most. inspires me to maybe wanna try this thing again…..

      1. I co-sign 100% I married and divorced #4 and it turned into a toxic marriage. It was a learning lesson I will never forget.

    1. Queen T, having been married before I totally feel you. I don't think its cynical, its just another view…and its real. Maybe he was "the one" for that moment in time…you got married, it didnt work. I also think its totally possible to still consider a person "the one" even after you split….hmmm.

      Perhaps you moved too fast & got married, then eventually found "the RIGHT one". Maybe "the one" happens a few times for some. Okay, now I sound cynical.

      *shrug*

    2. "sometimes the one you marry isn’t necessarily THE ONE…I know it’s supposed the be..I felt like I had married THE ONE, too..I believe marriage is hard work and dedication and if two people are willing to do that…you can have THE ONE with alot of different people…at different times in your life….."

      Girl – Please let them know.

      Mad that I missed this entire post yesterday…

  18. This is a good post for a two reasons. First because I agree, for a man, its spot on. However, it also piqued my interest because I think its quite the reminder that men and women are fundamentally different when it comes to dating based on ability (or in a womans case inability) to choose when and who to settle down with. I'll explain…

    First, while I think I've experienced all of these relationships save for the "best friends", mostly just because I don't believe a man and woman, outside of a vow of marriage (and even then, its….different), should ever consider themselves "best friends"…I'd have to say that for me personally I've been privy to #5 twice, almost consecutively in my adult love life.

    I am fairly certain that unlike this post auggests…'everyone will have these relationships before finding the one'…it hasn't actually been a stepping stone to marriage, but instead something that's hindered me from being married. I can't tell you how much dating Mr. Wrong (and in my case(s) being painfully addicted to him) has stopped me from noticing a very potential Mr. Right. I wont delve too much into my personal life, but freeing myself from toxic relationships that could have existed well into my 30s (whether they be amicable splits or otherwise) set me on the fast track to happiness.

    Women, and I would love to specify black women but I know how y'all sbm broads get…so again women in general can be loyal to a fault. In this case, the fault can be staying with one of these 5 wrong relationships so long they miss out on the right one staring them in the face.

    Men have the luxury of being outnumbered by women, and not having a peak desirable age existing between 24 & 29 that kind of brands them as some kind of social or physically lacking outcast once 30 settles in. They can experience all of the above relationships, be so caught up in them that they pass up a few women they could have seen themselves married to, come out wiser, unscathed and ready to find "the one"…and then actually find her. For men reading, this post can be totally true, nostalgic…cute even. I hope women look at it as more of a group of warning signs rather than nostalgia (unless of course, the female reader is already married)

    Women don't have the luxury I described earlier. If a woman starts this cycle at 22, wastes 2 years on each of the 'bad relationships' and then emerges ready to be victorious afterward, she's 32, and faces the looming and realistic possibility that she may be single for the rest of her life.

    I suppose I could get more in depth with what I mean, but I have a lot of kids and I am making pancakes. What I really urge women reading and agreeing to do is this: quit reveling in experiencing rolling in the deep. Instead, listen to another great British blue eyed soulstress, Duffy, sing Stepping Stone. This piece was feel good, and nostalgic, but did you waist too much time being a Stepping Stone for that wrong guy and miss out on 'the one'?

    1. I think the fault is in the woman, not the post (I would say that since I wrote this). But what I mean by that is, if you spend 2 years in a relationship you know is going nowhere, it's time for you to do some reflecting on your own issues. Each of the relationships I'm talking about above lasted – for me – less than 1 year. That's why I, and the person I was with in each case (except for my # 4) have good relationships with each other still and still view the relationships as worthwhile endeavors. Two of them happened in the same year. If you're thinking I'm suggesting anyone should spend two years in any of the above situations then you're misunderstanding what I'm saying. Spending that much time on something futile is not something a healthy person does. I know we're all human and it happens… but I mean… wow.

      Also, as I said to Dr. J – this post is meant to be reflective not predictive. It's not something that I expect an unmarried woman to look at and say, "well, I have 4 out of 5 – so 1 more to go and I'll get married." It's meant for a person who's married to read and then look back and say "wow, I never thought about it like this, but I have experienced most of these, and it did help me recognize 'the one' when he or she came along.

      But great comment nonetheless – I hear where you're coming from.

      1. I don't disagree with your stance. And of course I recognize and understand your bias as both a man, and the author. I totally do not think you meant to convey this as a magical formula for marriage. If anything, I read the opening replies and thought to myself…my God this could get terribly misconstrued.

        However, in pointing out that those relationships should have lasted less than a year, you once again show your obvious manhood. Once again, don't get me wrong, I agree. Women tend to stay in bad situations hoping for better, often and in error. But, a woman has a set of standards she has to uphold that men don't necessarily have to even worry about. Once again before I move forward, i do not disagree with you. Anyone who stays in a knowingly bad relationship for a long period of time is at fault…but, there are so many reasons women stay, based on standards by men and society that we look at, feel judged by and want to beat, honestly.

        A woman is judged by her relationship history. A series of 6-9 month relationships is never looked at as better than 2 long term ones. Inevitably, if these long term situations didn't end in marriage there were some issues, but a lot of men recognize a womens ability to stay and try as opposed to f*ck and flee. And speaking of f*cking, if you had those relationships consecutively that's five women you've banged in the span of what? 2-3 years? Couple that with drunken hookups and 3 month dating scenarios that never left the ground and the numbers rise. As much as you SBM writers try to convey a progressive message, a lot of men I know still care very much how many men a chick has bedded. And quickly jumping ship at the first sign of trouble, as realistic as it may seem, adds to that pile.

        Finally, women care. We think we can stick out the bad for the good to come. And for a number of us, that happens. I can't tell you how many women I know married to substandard men because she was his 'ride or die', if you will. Hung around through the bad, only to choose to be compatible, sometimes passive or ignorant to the obvious reasons why the relationship shouldn't work.

        Its not always right to stay, obviously. It does point to an individual, but it also points to gender roles, double standards among the sexes and a long standing ideal that getting to the last straw is better than giving up and having no straws later.

        Men don't exactly have these problems, so I can't expect you to empathize, necessarily. But I would hope you could attempt to understand how and why this post could go beyond hypothetical feel good and morph itself into poor advice for some women.

        1. You're projecting homey. I think Hugh, or TWISM said this once before "I can only defend what I said, not what you said I said."

          But yo did you just create a mathematical proof to figure out how many women I've slept with? That's a first in these e-streets.

        2. "I think Hugh, or TWISM said this once before “I can only defend what I said, not what you said I said.” "

          Actually, that was me, homey, but it's all good. They may have said it, too, but I said it most recently 🙂

        3. I'm going to touch on this tomorrow. Not you YoungestMILF, but this topic. A lot of people view damaged goods in various ways.

          I'm going to make light of a situation and bring this back home. I was watching an episode of Dr. 90210 one time and my dude Dr. Matlock was getting ready to do a vaginal rejuvenation and he asked the patient, how old she would want to be? Actually, he asked the couple. The guy said, "16." There was an awkward silence and she replied, "18 or 19, wait what's the difference?" Now despite the fact that I hope that man is never allowed to watch his daughter without supervision as she reaches her teenage years, I was talking to a female friend about the procedure and told her this. To be honest, I remember what it was like to have sex with a 16-19 yr old. It was mad work unless she was already putting out since she was like 14. So to be honest, you don't really want a 18 yr old rejuvenation, you want that to be a well-oiled 26 joint. That's done been with a few dudes and got greased up and it slides in a lot better and you can work with that joint right there. Of course she started laughing, but I was dead serious. Dudes out here will lie and act like they care a lot about how many dudes a chick slept with, but on the low they don't want a chick who don't know what she doing in the bed. Listen here, your girl can't learn how to do some of the stuff you want her to do, if she never had sex with somebody else. And not from like being with one or two dudes either. She needs some experience. Ask a 2011 college graduate how much trouble they are having finding a job, they'll tell you from across the counter at GoodBurger that every place they applied wanted somebody with some experience.

          But this extends pass just s*x. You want a woman who's dealt with some adversity in her relationship before. So that when you guys go through some problems, she doesn't flip out and act a fool. You want a woman who's had her feelings hurt before, because at times you will have to make the decisions that may disappoint her. And if every time she has her feelings hurt, she blows a gasket you're going to trip.

          And you most definitely want a woman to have experienced that "best friend" who slipped it in her culo one drunk night, so that she knows that you can't be friends with just any man, if there's any attraction whatsoever there.

        4. @Dr.J

          True but some women have so much experience that they become "over qualified" like the example you used about jobs, lots of ppl can't get jobs because they don't have enough experience but a lot of older people are having a hard time getting jobs because their over qualified for the position. I mean some people have been hurt so much, slept with so many people and had to many hard times that it becomes hard to deal with them. I think that's a little worst than dealing with someone who has minimal experience.

        5. Yeah I mean, there are lemons out there. At a certain point there's nothing that a woman can do. But to be honest with you, well… let me put it to you this way. "Men have to come to grips with the fact that not every chick is wifey material. Some of these chicks just ain't got the quan to ever make it past breezy or jumpoff status. The best they can hope for is a few yards and some free liquor."

          Damn that's some Adonis sh*t right there, but I believe it's true. Here's my thing though, people should always be very careful with equating settling down or finding the one with marriage. A lot of people will not get married, but they will go on to lead normal lives. (Sound like the Valtrex commercial.) If you peep some old couples like you'll see it too. They been through a couple marriages and got some kids, or they just been through life too hard, they just end up settling down with that one who they feel most comfortable with.

        6. I'm late to the party (sick day), so I'm just going to piggy-back off this thread.

          ——————-

          I think MILF does have a point that us men, self included, tend to overlook. I'll admit that makes it difficult for me to write about some of these topics – here and abroad – because sometimes women leave comments and I'm like "WTF?!? THERE IS NO WAY THEY REALLY THINK LIKE THAT!" *jokes but not really*

          At the same time it makes sense, because why else would they spend so many years in dead in relationships then get upset with me/us because we make a recommendation as common sense as "yo, leave that dead end relationship."

          MILF mentioned "stepping stones" and I've thought about speaking on this eventually. NC-17 wrote a similar post on his site, cant remember the exact name, but it was something about practice girlfriends. The moral of the story is men do – and I'll admit this if no one else does because I've done it (past tense?) – engage women they know from the very beginning they will not marry. This is how a lot of women date a men seriously for months, if not years at a time, break up with her without "putting a ring on it" then turn around and marry a woman 6 months – a year later without her putting in near the amount of work or going through near the amount of strife. I think in the back of our heads (all men and the writers here) we know this, which is why we keep advocating for women to take a least a modicum of more control in the destinies of their relationships or lack there of. I think this is the void between men and women, so I appreciate MILF bringing that perspective – not that it'll change how I feel about the subject, personally, but I may empathize more to, as I have started calling it, "the female struggle."

          P.S. ummm, yeah if you dont like the term "female" then that's probably contributing to the fact why you're in the struggle. Chill.

          On the flip – and I'm finally bringing it home now – I do think this was a good post by TMIMITW. I think I've experience every category but as Most said (twice) I read this as reflective not predictive. I tend to look at past relationships from the "live and learn" perspective – even the women I still have love for – rather than the "the one that got away" perspective. Maybe that's the benefit of being a man? I really dont know. I can only speak for self. I will say it is rare that I worry about never being able to find another girlfriend. Maybe finding a wife will prove difficult, but then again, finding a wife or becoming a husband isnt one of my main motivations in life nor is it honestly a particularly major concern at all.

    2. Im glad you posted this. Ive been trying to figure out why wonen stick so faithfully to some of their actions. My main example is the whole "not looking for a relationship" thing. Why stick ti that so hard when most of the time it's not necessary? Men are always open to the idea despite what we may say.

      1. "Ive been trying to figure out why wonen stick so faithfully to some of their actions."

        We don't like being wrong and we sure as hell don't like admitting it when we are. So we'll stick with stuff and call it perseverance.

        1. Off Topic: "We don’t like being wrong and we sure as hell don’t like admitting it when we are."

          I'm planning to write about this in full one day soon. In all my years, I've only had like one MAYBE two women admit they were wrong. But I wanted to say for those who may read this of all the things women have said to me over the years the sexiest, by far, has been:

          "You were right. I was wrong."

          A woman that can admit she's wrong, not facetiously but genuinely and with humility admit when she was wrong is very sexy. That's one of those (rare) qualities I look for myself.

          – FIN –

        2. Looking forward to reading it WIM.

          I mean, I can admit when I'm wrong. I just don't like to. My hubby felt like he hit the lottery when I told him I was wrong about something. Lol

      2. "We don’t like being wrong and we sure as hell don’t like admitting it when we are"

        We don't? This is the first I'm hearing of this…and I'm curious to see how many women think they're piss-poor at admitting when they're wrong.

        1. That's an impossible poll…all you'll get is a whole bunch of, "sure, I'll admit when I'm wrong-IF I'm wrong-I just am rarely wrong!" Then those that state that they do readily admit defeat will be doubted and accused of trying to ride WIS's jock . It's just one of those things you have to live, not speak on.

          I am a lil shocked that you've never heard this accusation before…IMO, all people tend to have trouble admitting fault.

        2. haha i see what you mean.

          "I am a lil shocked that you’ve never heard this accusation before…IMO, all people tend to have trouble admitting fault"

          I've always thought of that as something men struggle with – not women. You're right, it's about taking responsiblity but it's one thing to admit to oneself and a whole 'nother thing to admit that you were wrong to someone else; I've always felt that only truly evolved men are able to do that genuinely. It may be a cultural thing but in my experience, women will even take the blame when they're not wrong – just for the sake of peace.

      3. i believe a more plausible explanation for why many women stay in awful relationships is that we like 'projects' – it's what i call conscious/subconscious self-sabotage. Also it's not quite as easy for most women to detach once that emotional attachment process has been completed. It's the reason why some women wait till the later stages of dating to attach…see what(if any) crazy may be lurking behind that debonair facade before you let your emotions get involved.

        1. I agree, I have no problem admitting when I'm wrong, to me that's just part of taking responsibility for one's self. I stick around because sometimes I'm delusional and think I can change him or "alter" him to feet my needs. Im just now recovering from that attitude and blind self-sabotage.

          Oh and IA with: "Also it’s not quite as easy for most women to detach once that emotional attachment process has been completed" this is why I wasted 3 years on a fool who in the end I realized could never be what I needed him to be smh………..

        2. "I stick around because sometimes I’m delusional and think I can change him or “alter” him to feet my needs"

          Yup, always a losing battle lol; People either change for themselves or God changes them.

    3. Agreed.. Women waste time with the wrong ones. I think this happens more with women then men b/c men are a little more realistic. I feel like for some women it take's them a minute to figure out that every man the date is not going to be / or doesn't have potential to be the one. This is what probably leads to the scenario stated above where woman are wasting time in what was supposed to be a 6 month thing to 2 yrs. When men read this post they'll have flash backs and while they know 4 out of 5 of those chicks never had a chance at being the one, some women might reflect on this post and think about how at one point she thought all of these men where the one. But I still enjoyed the post @Most

  19. I think my #5 turned into #1. Five years of back and forth: we were both single when we met, the connection was INSANE. Things between us accelerated at an alarming rate and devolved just as quickly…he ended up engaged within 6 months of meeting me, called off the wedding, and called me. I was seeing someone else and still seething at him…then one night while with my "someone else" I accidentally called my #5's name #embarrassing. After that I gave up on seeing other people…but we don't live in the same state and neither of us wanted a LDR or to uproot our lives (this is when he started turning into #1). After multiple road trips, turns out he has a kid he didn't know he had, baby mom's is a stalker ("Who's that girl from NY coming to see you every weekend?" For real??). I decided to leave him alone…start dating someone else, then realize they went to school together and used to live next door to each other and were actually cool…had to walk away from that…saw him last in January, haven't spoken to him since mid-June. I had to block him from calling/texting me and I blocked him on FB and Twitter, too. If we can't be together then I don't need to know about your life…just leave me alone.

    I've had a #4 (painful, I don't even like to think about him lest I feel the urge to throw something–no worries, I'm working on that with my therapist) and I'm currently dealing with my #3, although I do think that will end shortly. As hard (no pun intended) as that will be.

    I've never had a #2 and I don't see it happening…I am definitely the sort of person who, once we're done, I'm done with you. Even if our split was amicable, I still see no reason to involve myself with you. We're over.

    I'm a little intense.

      1. Most, I need a drink, too. I am totally and completely single and I haven't slept with my #3 in close to four months, so that's progress.

  20. "We all like to say that we have no regrets in life. We pretend that we wouldn’t change anything that’s happened to us because doing so would prevent us from becoming the person we are today."

    I thought I was the only one who thought this. There are a few guys I regret having in my presence. If there was a magic wand I would undo those mistakes in a heartbeat.

  21. Great post Most..What sucks about this list is experiencing any one of these and having that situation jade the dating experiences that follow..That's prob the biggest gripe I have with dating. Personally I experienced a # 5..head over heels in love with a chick that I don't even think I liked..lol loved her and for some reason I just had to be around her…we were together for abt 3 years until we realized it just wasn't meant to be and split…but still to this day (and its been 3 years since the breakup) If she said hey i need to talk or can I see you, I dont think id turn her down…..Id never get back with her (EVER) but that feeling never went away

    The thing is sometimes I rely on that spark she and I had as a measurement of connection with women I may choose to date…and I don't know if that's good or bad

      1. I think men and women go through very similar experiences when it comes to dating and the such. I believe we just handle them or react to them in different ways which is where the disconnect may come in.

    1. "Personally I experienced a # 5..head over heels in love with a chick that I don’t even think I liked."

      *Blank Stare*

      Didn't even know this was possible.

      lol

  22. i love this post.

    i've had all of these relationships, except the next lifetime. (though i'm hoping to be able to honestly say to my husband "you da you da besst, you da best i evaaa haaad" *crosses fingers* lol.

    i could've done without one or two of them actually, and would probably be a lot further in life, honestly. i wasted a lot of years (try 9) in two relationships that were incredibly stifling. and although i learned a lot and maybe grew a lot… yeah i'd go back and rearrange a whole lot of actions if i was able to.

    so while these may be the ones you encounter before you meet 'the one'… i could've done without two of them, definitely. lol.

    good post.

  23. Ah, everything but a number 2 and a side of large fries. The addictive relationship HAD to bt ended abruptly. Her romantic personality was intoxicating and it was simply the idea of love I was fond with. I knew nothin would progress with the freakazoid. It's to too tiring to satisfy and battle a person of such sexual nature. And I don't think anything in this world makes a man feel more foolish then liking someone who just doesn't want u back. You lose a small part of your soul when the truth is made painfully known to u and word is born.

  24. I've had every single one of those relationships *shivers* and I have "names" for each dude

    5. Darkness Part I

    4. Darkness Part II (these black @sses were [email protected] near the death of me I swear. I'm sure I wrote off dark skinned dudes for a minute. #PaperBagTest….I kid, I kid -_-)

    3. The Wire

    2. Lacrosse

    1. Hip-Hop

    They've helped me because I always learn something more about myself. What I can and can not tolerate. What I need to work on. What I value in life and relationships.

    1. lol i have names for all mine too. hilarious. poor Darkness Part II couldn't even get his own moniker though? lmbooo

      at least your names are cool though. i have ones like LightBright, FlipFlop, Bestfriend, Camouflage… lol

    2. There's a good chance that The Wire was probably Darkness pt. III and she just wanted to diversify. I saw Slim on Friday and my first thought was, yo they had the most scruffiest dudes on that show possible. But women loved them some Wire though.

    3. I remember reading these guys and I keep getting a kick out of the music that goes along with the story.

      Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be bopping my head to your breakups. My bad boo.

  25. great post. I've definitely had all but one. The best I ever had combined with the friendship one for me… man o man- that guy. Sheesh. **takes a few steps away to daydream**

    Anyway- I guess it's time for me to meet the man I wish I never met…. ladies and gentleman consider me open to suggestions lol.

  26. Is it possible to be going through ALL of those relationships in one person? Especially if you've been together for a long time. I feel like I'm going through them all right now with someone and it just makes it all the more difficult and heartbreaking to move on.

    But the post was right on. I do believe that those relationships are pivotal to shaping the ultimate end goal relationship. Causes appreciation and allows the person to not want to make the same "mistakes" twice. Even if the mistakes got them tom where they are.

  27. Nice write Most, I didn't even know there were standards in relationships like that, but in retrospect I suppose you're right. All a part of life's experiences and help you to define who you are and what you want out of life overall.

  28. Ooh interesting post. I think I've had most of these, except the sex-based one and the mutual addiction. Hopefully I get married without having to go through those either.

    My regret was my first boyfriend. In hindsight I guess he wasn't THAT bad, but I took the breakup pretty hard and it affected my school performance some. But I really shouldnt have been with him anyways, and I learned a lot about myself and men from that relationship. So I guess there's that silver lining!

    I may have had the Erykah Badu joint. First things first than man was physically perfection. Just…. Wow. Perfect height, perfect body, perfect face perfect everything. You just don't find that very often. Secondly, we kinda sorta just clicked. You don't find that very often either. But of course I didn't get with him him until right before he was abt to leave for residency, and an LDR that was new, plus one with an intern, plus one with a man that was that beautiful (nurses be thirsty sometimes), that would have stressed me out lol. We had fun for a couple months tho…

    The bestfriend one is funny, just cuz ppl of the opposite sex rarely make a good bestfriends. But I am a guys girl so guys like to keep me around. I think they keep me around mostly cuz I make a surprisingly good wingwoman. There's one guy I talked to for a minute and we're really good friends now but we fight soooo much. We see eye to eye on very few things. We're like those two ppl in the group who stay fighting one minute and then the next minute you see them all buddy buddy and everyone confused. The funny thing I. Really think I might be his prototype. He definitely has many of the qualities I appreciate in my boyfriend. He's so reliable and he's such a good friend too.

    1. I'm definitely not trying to wish an unproductive relationship on you at all, but you haven't really lived till you've been addicted to someone. It's a crazy, humanizing feeling. And if you get a #5/3 combination… wow… life altering. It'll put everything that comes before, and everything that comes after into perspective.

      Again, not encouraging you to seek that… just a sorta of ambivalent observation.

      1. I agree #3 and #5 are truly a life altering experience ! I was in a relationship like that for 1 1/2 years and it was an amazing ride. We were so addicted to each other…even when we didn't want to be together we had to…Anyway *exhaling * We both realized it was toxic but we kept coming back over…over..over again. Finally he ended it with a "I can't ". To this day I nothing but fond memories of him.

        While in that relationship we called it " free falling down a rabbit hole in a bubble "

      2. Lol it sounds wonderful, but I've lived enough and know myself well enough to avoid those types of relationships.

        I'm one of those people who actually prefer to learn from other people's mistakes rather than making my own. I am a very passionate and all or nothing kinda girl. A person like me could get really caught up in a relationship like that, and innocent people could get hurt lol.

        1. "Lol it sounds wonderful, but I’ve lived enough and know myself well enough to avoid those types of relationships."

          Ha!! I do believe this is what we ALL say. You don't want it to happen… NEVER think it's going to be you… and then it happens. All the more reason why Most described it perfectly: humanizing. So very accurate.

    2. "But I am a guys girl so guys like to keep me around. I think they keep me around mostly cuz I make a surprisingly good wingwoman."

      THIS!! I am she as well. I have great girlfriends but they don't live here.

  29. I sorta have a #4. I loved him (and kinda still do), but I knew he'd never love me. But I don't regret meeting him because he came when I was at my lowest point and I needed him the most. He helped me build my confidence back up and challenged me to be a better person. He treated me better than any guy I've ever met. Even though we talked everyday, it was long-distance and we rarely saw eachother. After a year I could tell he'd started to lose interest, and I cut things off before it got too messy. He still calls but I don't pick up–it's too hard but I miss him still.

  30. Good post, Most.

    I can definitely relate to a couple of these. I believe one can't help but learning something about themselves and what they want from these experiences. You know what they say, "Experience is the best teacher, she gives the test first and the lesson afterwards."

  31. I'm stuck on this bestfriends one, definitely experienced it, but I find it difficult when the guy gets in a new relationship & she's jealous….thus not allowing us to be bestfriends. hmph!

      1. Yes! I even invited the new girl out with us for happy hour. He's like nah she's jealous. Dude, its not that serious. I was innocently, genuinely trying to get to know her & totally respected their relationship. If the friendship is important to both, you can get over that & we did….it really requires having boundaries.

    1. I'm a bit of someone's #2. We never actually dated, though: he caught me off-guard with the revelation that he liked me, it sparked some awkwardness between us, I wrote him an essay and then we ended up as really good friends. I'm scheduled to be his Best Man (he's supposedly going to make me wear a manly pant suit). I set him up with a friend of mine 1-2 years ago and I didn't think beforehand about how weird it could be for all parties involved. It would have been worse if she hadn't been a friend and didn't already have a sense of our dynamics. I, of course, tried to give them as much space as they needed to blossom, but I know it had to have been hard for her initially to know that not only was he speaking with me at 11 PM when she called, but he would likely be calling me back at 1 AM when they were through. Our friendship had to be scaled back a couple of levels as the relationship progressed, and that was a conscious decision on both our parts. Guy-girl best-friendships are great and all, but they can definitely complicate romantic relationships. One always have to consider all parties involved and try to make sacrifices wherever possible. If the friend's partner is being an ass about it, then pffft….but I can understand small tinges of jealousy and insecurity.

  32. great post son.

    i think i've had all of these relationships except i'll see you next lifetime. what's the perfect girl if it ain't the perfect time? <— that line right there is the truth though. i don't know how i would feel about letting the perfect girl go though.

  33. Okay, I know I put this out there quite frequently but…ladies please get over this not dating friends thing. Why wouldn't you want to be with someone who already has your best interest in mind? The most common response is not wanting to ruin a friendship but I say to Hades with the friendship if it can set me up for life. You can't account for all possible outcomes.

    Im probably speaking to deaf ears but I'll continue to say this when its applicable. Until then, keep having your #2 and being single…

    1. Speaking personally, I don't date friends towards whom I have no romantic inclinations. The guys I'm closest to fall under that category (or the category of non-compatibility), and I learned a long time ago that no good comes of anything forced. I actually would like to acquire a best friend and fall in love with him. And vice versa, of course. The thing is that a lot of guys end up in the friend category because that spark is missing, and it rarely shows up after the fact.

      1. I know for me that spark is rarely seen early on. Ill start getting more attracted to someone the more i spend time with them. By then we are usually pretty good friends. I think wkmen may be too quick to throw a guy into the friend pit with e hidden ladder that is only seen with nit vjsion goggles, a heat sensor, and the invisibility cloak from harry potter.

        1. lol. To be frank with you, I don't have a friend zone per se. Then again, I'm one of the few women I know who could hypothetically see myself dating a good friend's ex if we developed some kind of chemistry and friendship down the line. I understand getting more attracted to someone the more I interact with them; no doubt. The thing for me, though, is that it's usually building on some initial chemistry. Sometimes, it's something as simple as a vague physical attraction. I mean, I can become pretty good friends with someone I clicked with and jump on the relationship train only when the opportunity presents itself. Some of my friendships develop very quickly, so some people consider me a "pretty good friend" merely weeks into our acquaintanceship. However, the odds of something developing out of nothing years down the line are slim to none.

    2. Here's the thing.

      There are a few exceptions, but generally, a woman won't refuse to date a guy just because she's friends with him. Usually, she becomes friends with him mainly because she's not interested in dating him in the first place.

      "I don't want to ruin the friendship" is our version of "I'm not looking for anything serious right now."

      1. “I don’t want to ruin the friendship” is our version of “I’m not looking for anything serious right now.”

        Keona giving out trade secrets!! That is SO spot on! I be [email protected] if I tell someone that I'm feeling in any kinda way the "I don't wanna ruin the friendship" line. If I drop that I'm saying – if we date, TRUST, it's gonna hurt the friendship, cause I'm tell you about yourself-and you're not going to like it. Let's just keep it on this friendship level.

        1. Difference is, we don't then proceed to have the relationship!

          It's not the lie that we're against, let's be honest, most times we prefer the lie. It's the mixed messages. You don't wanna be with me, but you're always with me? Huh!? You don't want me to be your lady but I am your confidante with whom you share all your secrets, hopes, desires, fears with? What?! You're not trying to be my man, but you know I wanna be your lady and you still wanna eff and think that I won't read into that? Yeah. Ok.

        2. Come on Starita, you know we're guilty of playing both sides of the fence, too. At least I know I am.

          Too many times I've called a "homie" to kick it with when my boo was unavailable or wasn't giving me enough attention. We'll go out to eat or to a movie, but I never refer to it as an actual date. I even had a guy drive through a tornado to come stay with me because my electricity was out (and no, he still wasn't allowed to touch me.)

          But I'm trying to grow out of it. It's selfish. Being older and wiser is making my life boring as heck, though.

        3. Selfish is the perfect word. You know what Keona, you right. I almost wrote "nope, not me, never done that", then I rememered this one dude. Yup, I took advantage of him. I was selfish. I enjoyed the praise and acts of service a lil too much, but he had no chance in hell. I appeased myself by being 99% honest with him (I'm not heartless) and thereby absolving my own responsility in it. But we all know that actions speak louder than words, as long as I allowed him to do boyfriend things for me, I was in the wrong. That only lasted a few months. We're "friends" from afar now. He can't handle it. Sometimes I wanna kick it with him, but I know better.

          For real though, that was a one time incident. If I'm not interested, I'm not interested. Even that guy…never got as much as a kiss and we were friends for years.

    3. Most of my relationships have been w/ dudes I've been friends w/ first or have known in some capacity.

      I've never met a "random" and have things actual go somwhere

      1. Right, I don't know of any women saying no to men that have potential over something like friendship, used to smash the homie, sexual history, etc…that's primarily a man thing. If we're interested, we're interested. Friends first is ideal-but if you're trying to get out of the friend zone and can't, there's probably a reason.

        1. Double Cosign.

          Everytime I have been told "Friendzone" I just translated it in my mind to mean "you can't get these draws CHeeKZ" or "I'm not attracted to you" or "Be real negro. You treat Hitler with more respect than you do your dates"

          Friendzone is pure evil

  34. THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Loving someone that doesn’t love you is the most impossibly pointless endeavor anyone can ever find themselves sucked into and usually, when you finally pull yourself away you realize that you learned nothing, gained nothing, and lost – for a time – everything. When the scars of your love remind you of the fact that you could have had it all, and didn’t, you’ll probably wish you’d never had met that person.

    AND THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

    There’s something wonderfully heartbreaking about meeting a person who’s perfect for you at a time in your lives when that perfection can not be explored.

  35. I've definitely had #4…my ex manipulated me, used me and ruined my credit. He was such a waste of time. My ex before him was my number #3 and #5. Our chemistry was intense and our relationship was amazing while it lasted, but he was moving out of state and neither of us wanted an LDR so there it went. Most you are absolutely right about #5 preparing you for the one. When you find someone who made you as happy as #5 did and your relationship is equally as amazing (and the timing is perfect), you appreciate #5 for giving you a blueprint for the type of relationship that you want to commit to for life.

  36. I can be honest and say I've had #4. It didn't make me a better man for the experience, in fact, the relationship played out like how musiclover described. It meant that I had less to give the woman that deserved the best and now I'm scrambling to get back to where I should have been.

  37. Great post! It was on point. I agree, it is those relationships that we have before you meet that one that makes you the "right one" for someone else and vice versa. We do keep a lil bit of the past in order to ensure grander future, consciously or aware. How else would we know what to do better or what not to do in the next relationship? It’s what makes us a better person, as little or much affect you think that person had on you.

    “There’s something wonderfully heartbreaking about meeting a person who’s perfect for you at a time in your lives when that perfection can not be explored”

    As if you’re in my head/heart. I’m in a long distance relationship, and somewhat open, with no real restrictions on dating, except for what I placed on myself, so met someone else in the process. Though my heart was still with the out-of-town lover, and every way, I was starting to have feelings for this new guy. I couldn’t necessarily give me all, because I in my heart still committed. But I believe if under different circumstances, it would definitely be something I would want to explore more. But I chose to go out on fate and follow my heart, and not pursue it. I have long-term plans for future with Mr. “The One”, and this just came out an awkward time. I saw it as a test of will, and I think I passed. Only time will tell.

    Great post!

    1. This is a very interesting post to me. I'm not sure I totally follow which guy you chose (but I think it's the LDR). I am glad to see that you followed your heart. Sometimes, that's definitely not the easiest thing to do, especially when you need comfort and your loved one may not be around.

  38. Ive been in the trenches all day. Missed a great convo. Salute to Most.

    I will say that I've dealt with right place wrong time. Then I dealt with "knowing in your heart they aren't the one, but trying to prove to yourself otherwise" both situations blew up in my face, but every time I hit the ground I bounce up like round ball. It actually helped me to be the writer I am today in many ways.

  39. I've been sick and swamped…just reading this. Loved the post.

    I met #5 at age 14 and I just got him out of my system for good in '08. I can't even tell you what was so good about it. He like worshipped me for a year and then I spent the remaining years trying to get back there…trying to figure out what went wrong.

    #3 had me explaining away why I knew the relationship wouldn't work simply cause he was #3. I ended up being his #4. Not proud of that.

    I met my #2 at age 12, we dated till I was 14 (he was 16) and we remained great friends. Every now and then, he tries to make it more but I keep reminding him that the reason we're such good friends to each other is because we aren't dating, lol. I don't consider him my best friend but he's my closest male friend. He knows just as much about me as my bffs.

    I met one #1 around age 15/16 and the other in '09. The first and I have OMG chemistry as adults. Like, we could never just be friends…I can admit that. We've never been a couple or done anything more than kissing. The timing has always been off. We've been playing cat & mouse since '99. I've given up hope…but I'll NEVER say a bad thing about him. The second is my current bf who's planning to relocate. Great relationship, whack circumstances. Not sure if he'll remain a #1 or if he'll turn into my #4. Scary. Le sigh…

  40. I have had all of these 1. David/Mario (both when transitioning to new areas) 2. Steve 3.Eddie 4. Jeremy(he was awful, just awful) 5. Diana (yes a woman). And now I have met a guy who takes my breath away and I can't stop thinking about him, can't sleep and just feel in my heart he's the One. the very first time I saw him, I knew hew was different. The way he stares at me like his soul is lost…it's so cliche, but I've never been the one type to leave these comments about my personal life so publicly, but this article totally resonated with my life so perfectly. Now from these experiences, I know the real from the" rif raf". I hope that I can share that we got married and will live happily ever after. But he makes me feel so special and so loved and desired.

  41. I have had a #4 a #1 and a #5 in that order. My first love, #4, was a best friend and it was unrequited and slightly torturous at times. I would gladly take it back since I did not learn anything, just gained some sexual experience. My first real love, my #1 was so intoxicating that when we broke up I was considering traveling halfway across the country to profess my undying love to him while he was already in a new relationship. Luckily I met a #5 fairly quickly and I avoided making that mistake. Unfortunately timing, distance and just life was not on our side and it didn't last very long. Although we were very close, I may have felt something more than he did. We decided to stay friends since he was not ready for something serious and only a few months later he was in a new relationship with someone else. Pretty heartbreaking but I wished him the best of luck and am doing my best to move on with my life. It's been almost a year and just haven't met anyone even close to those two, which were back to back. Interesting how things work out. My #4 and I are still great friends and I have no feelings and my #1 calls me every so often and tells me he misses and loves me and I have no feelings for him either. When I'm done with someone, I'm done.. It just takes a while.

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