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Dating the Damaged Girl

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If you believe this; I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn, I would love to sell you.

“Because if you gonna do something egregious, you might as well go balls to the wall. If not, just be the hot ass mess that you are.” That’s one of my favorite quotes.  There are those situations that we find ourselves in that cause us a great deal of anguish and frustration. Have you ever been so knee deep into a mess of a situation that you couldn’t even reach out to your friends because you already knew they would tell you that you had no business in the situation to begin with? What’s worse is that you actually know that you have no business being in this situation, however you should have known long before reaching the point of anguish that you would be in it.

There was this girl in college that had a rough few semesters before she figured it out. She wasn’t like many of the other freshman young ladies, she wasn’t from a big city and she had never had a boyfriend. When she got to college it wasn’t long before it seemed like The Usual Suspects had ran through her. I heard a story and I am never sure if it was true or folklore that she had slept with almost 8-10 guys within the first two weeks of school. When I met this girl she was nice though. I always found girls from big cities to be a bit more aggressive. That’s fine, an inner city can toughen you up. I thought this girl was actually a very personable young lady and she had a lot to offer to a relationship.

Before we get too far into it today, once again, yours truly, Dr. J and also Carver The Great (@carverthegreat), team up for another mix for the post today.  Download here (http://www.mediafire.com/?iob1odvgqco1ddt), or stream with the link below:

I’ve got this thing about myself, I rarely ever ask about a girl’s past. I don’t want to know. I tell all men that it’s not important how many men a woman has actually slept with or what she’s actually done in her past, it only matters what you think. So when I’m dating a girl, I never ask, (OH I’ll find out some ish if it’s worth knowing), but I never ask. I make an inference based on the way she carries herself and come up with a history in my head. Before bringing this up to anyone, I personally make a decision if I’m willing to deal with all this or not. I think that’s where most people get themselves into trouble is by involving everyone in their decision to deal with someone. They will talk to their friends and review general societal norms to develop what they personally feel about something. To me, that’s always been kind of backwards, especially because I find very few men who are publicly willing to date someone just like them or their friends.

I had a buddy who called me up one day and told me that he needed me to look out for a young lady who was moving to DC. He said her name but it never really dawned on exactly who this girl was until me and the girl were hanging out in DC one time and she told me that while she was dating my friend he cheated on her several times. The irony of this situation is that not only did she just confess to me that he cheated on her several times, but as you can see, I really had no recollection of who she was until she told me this. It was at this point that I put the pieces together and realized that the girl he always said he was “talking to” was in fact his girlfriend. From time to time we would have awkward conversations about relationships and our past and it would always be blatantly obvious that she was talking about my friend. One time she even said, “I’ve always wanted to be nothing more than a wife and mother and raise a family, but I spent a lot of time dating a man who didn’t want those things with me.” She was very attractive and we shared many of the same values about life. I always thought that had we met under a different circumstance we could have been great for one another. It was when those thoughts slipped into our minds caused us to weigh heavily the possibility that we could ever be together.

I’ve got a few rules about the women I date. First rule, nobody is allowed at the wedding who has seen my bride naked. Now I’ll agree with most people that the chances of me ever knowing that some guy at my wedding has seen my wife naked are slim to none because she’s not likely to tell me, but I should at least have some policy in place should it need be enforced.

See Also:  5 Lessons Learned From Dating

Second rule, if you never told me that was your girlfriend, then it wasn’t your girlfriend. A man doesn’t leave room for speculation as it comes to the women he’s dating seriously. He makes it known amongst his circle of friends, “This is my woman.” If you don’t do that then you can’t expect your boy to respect that bond. Funny thing about this is that it wasn’t even a personal story that brought me to this conclusion. I had a couple of guy friends who didn’t speak all that much. Well, one got to the other’s girlfriend and in addition to the fact that one didn’t even know the other had a girlfriend, his lady didn’t even know they were close friends.

Third rule, if you’re going to date someone who has been around your network a few times, you have one choice, move to another network. You must be sure that you are willing to put your relationship with this person above the existing friendships and step out on faith that your relationship is stronger than that. You can’t have it both ways.

I met a girl one time at a coffeehouse/bookstore, she was pretty, seemed like the type of girl I’d want to date. This was the first time we met, but I had already asked around about her. Exploratory information only: “Who is she” and “What does she do” or “Who does she hang out with”. Those answers all came back with nothing more except, “To be honest, nobody really knows who she is.” I’ve always been very weary of a person with nothing on their resume. Not that I am searching for dirt, but I had to dig deeper. We had a mutual friend and so I asked, “What’s her deal” and our mutual friend, “I don’t know Jay, she is very liberal with who she sleeps with.” I knew what that meant, but it didn’t stop my interest in pursuing something with her, although it did begin to put a cap on how far I would initially go to court.

Once we offically met in this bookstore we were both sitting around discussing relationships, the conversation got heated and things might have been said that shouldn’t have. The topic of asking about the number of people a person has slept with came up and of course everyone had a lot to say. Most men typically approach this situation the same, they want no parts of the discussion so they say it doesn’t matter. I got the sense that she thought the conversation was a little nonsensical and she even said herself, “I don’t see what the point of asking the question is, what are you going to find out that you will like hearing?” That didn’t really raise a flag to anyone there except me because I had been privy to some information based on my background investigation for her.

Later after this discussion things went to a more social setting, we all settled at a bar and me and her had some one-on-one time. We talked about the conversation in the bookstore and she said I looked disinterested. My response, “Yeah I usually am, I mean I just feel differently about that whole conversation than most people, but it can be misunderstood by a lot of people.” She asked me what I meant and I explained to her this; I’ve always felt like if you refused to disclose your number then you thought you did something bad, if you weren’t afraid to disclose your number then you didn’t think you did anything wrong. I could live with that. She said, “Well, how many people have you slept with?” And I answered, alcohol probably had something to do with that. She then said, “Are you going to ask me?” I said, “Fine, how many?” She replied, “Um.. I think about 30, no maybe closer to 35, but the number is different, are you asking how many of those I was consistently sleeping with?”

Earlier I pointed out that most people make decisions on the people they will date based on the opinions of others. Let me append to that; men truly take into consideration how they look in a situation when choosing a mate. This might surprise you, but if a man meets a girl and he knows that she’s been around, but his boys don’t know, he ain’t going to say nothing, he’ll just let it rock. By the same token, the reason why I always remain quiet when it comes to cheating in relationships is because I truly believe that both sexes are just as likely to cheat, the interesting thing is, a man won’t tell everybody he’s been cheated on. Women will tell everybody they been cheated on and then wonder why their friends judge them for going back to their husband. If you had the privilege to talk to a married couple about infidelity in their relationship, I would be willing to bet that one of the first questions a man will ask is, “Who else knows about this?” That is the quintessential question to a man, (I can’t speak for women), because they know that if this indiscretion in their relationship stays between the two of them, they are willing to work through it.

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I can’t share with you if I decided to actually pursue something with any of these three women. I think the point is although many people think circumstances are cut and dry, most times they aren’t. Many of us will find ourselves in situations that from a distance are “hot ass messes.” I’m not sure that matters. I’m sure that none of us are Saints, but we don’t have to be forever Sinners. My main Cole called it perfectly when he said, “She said, she not a hoe, but she far from a virgin.” I was listening to that and I thought, “Keep it real with you, that’s what men want.” I can’t tell any man anything more than this, “Stop looking for the perfect woman, she doesn’t exist. And if she does, she doesn’t want you.” A man is going to date a woman who’s been cheated on before, you’ll date a woman who’s been around, and you’ll date a woman with some baggage. That baggage that a woman carries may be a few kids, or it may be the fact that because of those kids she can’t afford a divorce, or just maybe her dingbat ex-husband won’t sign the paperwork. All I’m suggesting is that, not every woman is going to come fresh out the package, unused, no baggage, no damage, sometimes you got to reevaluate where you stand and what makes you personally happy, sometimes when you stop listening to other people you find something that may work out for you.

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– Dr. J

Track Listing on Today’s mix: 1. Me & My B*tch by Biggie, 2. You’re All I Need by Method Man & Mary J. Blige, 3. Freak Though by T.I., 4. Do For Love by 2Pac, 5. Fall For Your Type, 6. Prostitute Flange by Lil Wayne, 7. Me & You Against The World by Musiq, 8. Ex-Factor by Lauryn Hill,  9. Song Cry by Jay-Z, 10. Blame Game by Kanye West

Comment(192)

  1. So when I’m dating a girl, I never ask, (OH I’ll find out some ish if it’s worth knowing), but I never ask. I make an inference based on the way she carries herself and come up with a history in my head

    Hmmm…that’s probably why I haven’t had a guy ask me about “numbers” since I was under 20. It seems to me like it doesn’t matter much to men I meet. Instead they always ask “Can you cook?” Lol (which I sidestep around)

    I think that’s where most people get themselves into trouble is by involving everyone in their decision to deal with someone

    Amen to that! I had to learn over time to just keep my girls out of relationship decisions. Sure your friends mean well, but they don’t always know what they were talking about. Before I learned this, listening to my friends almost cost me a relationship. Now I just keep things to myself and I think its best. When you are dating someone it is you + that person, not you + that person + your friends. At some point, you just begin to realize that your relationship with someone is about the two of you, and should only involve the two of you. Why would you involve outside parties who aren’t able to fully understand the issues/relationship? None of their business!

    Good post btw, this one will incite less drama but of course be popular! 😉

    1. Good pont @QueenB

      Always keep your relationship private… FB & Twitter included…

      Relationships in general are not that solid to withstand external onslaught of judgement from family, friends & haters

  2. "sometimes you got to reevaluate where you stand and what makes you personally happy, sometimes when you stop listening to other people you find something that may work out for you."

    Truth!!!

    But (hopefully) this just comes with maturity. As you get older you're friends are not in your ear as much. As a teenager my friends and I had meetings to decide whether or not a guy was cute enough. Early 20's my friends and I got together to discuss making major relationship decisions. Now approaching 30 my friends got their own sh*t to do and so do I. lol!

    1. Lol you guys held meetings? but yea as you grow as an individual I believe you gain more confidence in your ability to make good decisions without consulting your peers. Actually I've found that keeping my friends OUT of the loop has cut down on drama between. Your girls sure know how to get you riled up and single over next to nothing!

    2. I have heard women gather around, and hold on-line parties where they would go through all the messages they have received from random men…

      You got chicks who collect numbers from men, and like put it in a box whenever she gets LSE syndrome & she needs a pick me up…

      Social Status means everything to women, so of course her friends are going to way in their dating decisions…

      . Let me append to that; men truly take into consideration how they look in a situation when choosing a mate.

      And I am no different…

      1. I don't know about holding meetings but I try to stay out of my friends business unless that person is about to become my "brother-in law" then I at least have to like him.

        But when your friends dicuss their relationships with you, you only get one perspective, theirs. Its a little foolish to give advice when you don't have all the facts

        1. This. I hate giving my friends advice but they stay asking for it. I keep telling them in the wrong person to get advice from cause I've never been in a serious relationship but they still want to know my opinion. Then when I give it they always say "you're always on [the boyfriend or guy] HIS side"

          Girls just be wanting a "yea girl he wrong, he ain't shit" kind of answer lol.

        2. @ porsha sorry for the late reply

          but yea girl! I am not the one for "yea girl he aint shit" so im guessing you are probably the type of friend to keep it real with your girls when they are acting a d*mn fool? Lol

  3. Ok first of all THIS MIX IS EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!

    Secondly – Um Dr. J I think I just fell in lub with you! This post is grown man ish. I love every part of it.

    " All I’m suggesting is that, not every woman is going to come fresh out the package, unused, no baggage, no damage, sometimes you got to reevaluate where you stand and what makes you personally happy, sometimes when you stop listening to other people you find something that may work out for you."

    I think if we really want to have fulfilling relationships this should be the approach!

  4. Set me free homies…

    I’ve got this thing about myself, I rarely ever ask about a girl’s past… I make an inference based on the way she carries herself and come up with a history in my head. Before bringing this up to anyone, I personally make a decision if I’m willing to deal with all this or not.

    I have so much to say here… regardless of what any person tells you… It’s Easy To Identify A Slut

    THe main reasons for that is most women have loose lips maybe its me & my special interrogation techniques or I come off a nonjudgemental… but chicks give me all the info I need tp make a good decision about entertaining them

    Now, even if a woman is like Max, and won't give me the info I am looking for… (This is where Dr. J is money)

    Her energy & temperament will always give her away… When people look into my eyes, they can tell immediately how se.xually inexperienced I am… Only legendary con artists can fake the funk… But if men would pay attention, women give away a wealth of information before they open their mouth…

    Women have been sensing other people's energy/temperment straight out of the womb, so they are MASTER at this…

    ——————————————

    Now, the #1 reason why I am so anal about a woman who wants a commitment from me is simple… I don't want to be THIS GUY

    No matter who is at fault for the relationship ending, I am always at fault… I will get little sympathy from either gender (Man Up! or Nigga, you should have known better…), I will most likely not get custodial rights to my children, and I might have to give up some resources

    "for the lifestyle she got accustomed to" (Chances are she will have more resources than me, but I LOVE THAT PHRASE when Chris Rock made fun of it)

    So getting a commitment from me, is like trying to illegally get into The White House in DC…

    ——————————————-

    Now, I agree with you Dr. J, getting a near perfect woman today is harder than winning the lottery… But personally, as you have taken noticed, I am a special case (SBM Massive make fun of that however you like)

    1. I am an introvert, and I am willing to have a low cost sex subsitute (sexbot, p0rn)

    2. I am willing to passive about my dating life until age 27 (currently 23 1/2 Y/O)

    3. I will date & sleep with tons of women, and that is a nice substitute for not finding the one…

    So I have stacked the deck in my favor, until I get what I want…

    Guys, never apologize for being judgemental about a woman's character/past… Don't allow them to shame you into making a poor dating choice…

    Because when if you are neglectful of that… You deserve all the pain & heartache that comes with entertaining her BS…

    & this is coming from a guy who also needs to work out some <DEL> every</DEL> of his character flaws, so I am not exempt…

    SSTTE

        1. Adonis,

          I'm soooooo interested to see if you'll feel the same way about things 5 yrs from now…lol.

          Good luck on finding your perfect girl 🙂

        2. @TRS Let us take it a year at a time… But I will definitely have evolved…

          @Malik I hope she isn't into me… But I will definitely make a compelling case…

          Thanks for asking… No attack recognized

    1. My good buddy Adonis, whom I love and adore…

      I gotta say sometimes you are money and sometimes you might be being hoodwinked.

      The total bamboozle… I'll say when I was running around pure as fresh rain, you couldn't tell folks that and have them believe you… Real talk, my in person self is seriously sensual… I kinda can't help it 🙂

    2. I love how you add a link to a post (its easy to identify a slut) that list one of the ways to tell as "she's black"

      Tell us what they think about black men over there…

      1. @Kema

        LOL… Like I said, if I can get droves of white men to marry the unweds of BW… I would start a commission TODAY…

        Now, we know that one group a women are no more sl*ttier than another group of women… But what f*cks BW up… Is the OOW children… Some by different fathers…

        Children are usually a good indicator that the mom isn't chaste…

        And Roissy caught mad heat for that "She's black" comment… But I would only defend BW if it was completely false…

      1. @Clint B

        @Peter Parker left out the near in perfect… How convenient of him…

        & I have back up plans if I don't meet my "soul mate" , it's all good

  5. I Liked. A lot. The mix + post= perfect reading experiences for me anyway 😛 If only more people could get their heads out of the clouds. I don't think by any means you are saying folks should settle, but need to be realistic about experiences a potential partner may or may not have had, AND decide for yourself if it's worth your while or not.

  6. I am currently dating someone with baggage and in the beginning it was cool because we had been friends for a while before and I know how he is and how he deals with things but then it began to affect our relationship. I asked my friends for advice and quickly learned that I just need to keep this relationship between us because like you said, from the outside it looks like a hot ass mess and he looks like a jerk.

    I know that what he is going through is really bothering him and that he isn't trying to be a jerk, but now his baggage is becoming my baggage and its difficult to deal with. I know I can be happy with him because I have been happy with him before but all this baggage is getting to be too much to deal with. So what do you do when the baggage is too much but the guy is almost perfect…why does this sound like I'm writing into a dating advice column?…..One of the main points of the post was to stop listening to other people and here I am asking for advice…..I think I'm gonna just stick with it and hope that this passes……but then it has me thinking back to Slim's post about the girl who he dated forever with no intentions of it going anywhere….. Clearly I'm going thru some thangs ….sigh

    1. @Kriola You brought up a great point that my Aunt Linda brought to my attention…

      Women hardly ever call their girlfriends to tell them how wonderful her man is (& for good reason, women love men that are already taken/desired, and alot of women are getting any love from men, and would backstab their girlfriends for some good d*ck)

      But women will mostly tell their girlfriend how much of a strain he is on the relationship, and it never puts him in an accurate light… (hence Janet Jackson the psychologist tell's you to do a cost-benefit analysis…)

      So it is what it is… Hope it gets better for you two

      SSTTE

      1. I think its more of what people tend to listen to and remember. I tell my friends the good and the bad but if I'm asking for advice we typically tend to dwell on the bad more in order to solve the "problem" so it seems like the bigger issue and that what they remember. Or the good things aren't that spectacular on their own to outsiders because they aren't big gestures but a whole bunch of little things (which I tend to value more).

        Ex: I was dating this guy who always would come over to my apt like every weekend and I would cook and he would clean for me and my roommate and empty the trash and kill bugs and do guys stuff without having to be asked. When things started getting rocky and we started arguing my roommate would say how wrong for me he was because of our arguments but would never mention all of the little things he did that were great.

        Essentially I think it boils down to the fact that people like drama especially when it isn't theirs so they aren't as quick to bring up the good as they are with the bad….

        1. People, in general, tend to overweight the negative in the relationship and take the positive for granted at times. At least that's been my experience.

          It's like the old saying (and I'm paraphrasing here), "It takes one years to build up credibility, but only seconds to destroy everything that was built"

    2. now his baggage is becoming my baggage and its difficult to deal with

      Honey, I'm going to say something that the men here might disagree with but I think it's kind of standard: If the shoe were on the other foot and you were carrying all the baggage, he'd probably be ready to leave you. As women, the baggage we carry makes us emotional and what a man would describe as crazy. Thing is, it probably does the SAME thing to them too but we handle what they throw off differently. Now, I'm not saying you need to leave dude or anything like that but I think you would do well doing as J suggested and re-evaluating what makes Kriola tick and thinking about whether or not you can go through life with a person whose baggage may consistently become your own.

      I say this because my 2011 project has been handling some business. Thing is, I will go to him and ask him for his advice, etc. but not to fix the problem. I might go into why more a little later but this coffee though… and straightening my house is THE issue at the moment!

      1. "As women, the baggage we carry makes us emotional and what a man would describe as crazy. Thing is, it probably does the SAME thing to them too but we handle what they throw off differently."

        Cosign 1000%!

    3. "One of the main points of the post was to stop listening to other people and here I am asking for advice"

      I don't believe it's necessarily a negative thing to listen what other people have to say about situational circumstances. I dont think it's a good idea, however, to just take one person's opinion as gospel and implement whatever at the same time. Honestly, asking someone, "I know you've been a similar situation, how'd you handle it?" if a reasonable question. Asking how people responded to things or how people they knew handled certain aspects gives you some insight and perspective you may have not had before. It's not like they are telling you to do one thing or the other, but more sharing this is what happend to me and how I reacted, etc.. etc..

      I will say the people you seek or talk to about ther personal aspects of your life in general is key. Obviously, you'll received jaded opinions about relationships from your homegirl that's been played 50-11 times over and you'll receive fairy tale opinions from your Aunt that's been married for 40 years. Always consider the source of where the advice/opinion is coming from and weigh accordingly…at least that's what I try to do.

      1. Sometimes advice is needed simply for perspective. nothing wrong with an outside view, long as you dont treat it as golden. Careful consideration is needed at times.

    4. Kriola,

      I know first hand the transference of baggage syndrome. It's easier said than done, however, when you see the baton of baggage being passed…don't grab it. In other words, in the midst…train yourself to focus on how he makes you feel at other times, focus on the good and when you do that, not only will you deflect his negative energy, but you will project positive energy for him. Hang in there girlie…but by all means…never let him crush your spirit. Trust yourself, and if it comes down to it, you'll know when to cry "uncle". 🙂

  7. Good Post Dr. J

    Last paragraphs my fav 🙂

    Its funny cuz the older I get the more I see men & women with baggage. More "Funny" becuz ppl act like the term "bag lady" is such a terrible concept when in fact its a reality. Everyone gets a bag or2 or3 or10 (lol!), but I guess thats a part of life. We all gotta grow up and deal w/ our situations and hopefully find someone thats strong enough to help carry the load & vice versa…

    1. Good point. It is also nice if you find someone who may have had "baggage" but has grown enough as a person to be able to let it go. If a person is just completely jaded over something that damaged them years ago, considering that it wasn't exactly serious, and they still behave like their whole world is a mess then I think that foreshadows the inability to recognize learning opportunities and the inability to self-reflect and grow. While some people may want to be with someone who isn't "damaged goods" I think the best option is someone who has been damaged and then gotten over it. You wouldn't want someone who hasn't faced adversity because its difficult to know whether they'd bend or break when faced with difficulties. Maybe to some the perfect person would be someone who hasn't been damaged, but personally my idea of perfect person is someone who has been through some things and knows how to cope with it.

  8. The title of this no way prepared me for the contents… I like that.

    I agree with the numbers philosophy… I'll speak on my number because I'm never scared/ashamed of what I did. I did what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it and I don't regret it. I do not however think that the conversation is necessary or even helpful. If I was the biggest garden tool on campus- you'll hear about it. If I slept with one dude for all 4 years- you'll probably hear about it too. Otherwise why are you really concerned? I also don't want to know my man's number unless his name is Wilt.

    As far as talking to girls about your relationship…. when my girls try and complain about their man I stick my fingers in my ears and hum. How am I suppose to go about liking your man after you gave me 1001 reasons to hate him? Nope. In fact my girls are still wondering why I broke up with my ex.

    1. "As far as talking to girls about your relationship…. when my girls try and complain about their man I stick my fingers in my ears and hum. How am I suppose to go about liking your man after you gave me 1001 reasons to hate him? Nope."

      THIS!!!! I get annoyed when my people do this and when I see the offending party (once they've made up), I'm supposed to have amnesia?! I've just had to say don't tell me anything about them, because I just can't forget I do try to be impartial, but it's difficult when you only hear one (very biased) side of the story and that is all you know about the person.

    2. Sunshine, I hear what you saying about numbers, but you have to understand that everyone is different and the situation is not as cut and dry as you make it. No one will publicly admit to wanting to know another person's numbers. It takes a more mature person to be able to share that with their significant other and for neither of them to flip out. Also the situation is never, did you have relations with one dude for four years, or the entire hood for four years? It's always more complicated like; who, why and how? A man wants to know that you wasn't the type of girl who would get into the oil on the weekend and catch a train with your dogs. Just jokes, but truthfully a man wants to know that he's holding something in high regard that's worth holding in high regard.

      I told a girl one time before. A man looks at your actions in the past sometimes and says to himself, "If she was willing to give it up like that, then I wonder about what it means to her that she gave it up to me." Now a man has two choices after that, he can rock out on "sex is sex, and love is love" or he can choose not to because he prefers to be with a woman who holds herself to a better standard. Men and women are full within their rights to make those decisions. I don't hold it against either person.

      1. @ Dr.J

        I personally don't feel a persons "numbers" should come up as soon as the first or second date. It shouldn't be asked until you've been seeing them for a while and things are getting a lil more serious.That's just putting your business out there to someone who may not make it past date 3. Wouldn't you agree?

  9. I like this post, but most of it is already a no-brainer for me. In my short life, I have never had a problem with learning to trust my own judgment. Growing up, I was always a very gifted, opinionated, and hard-headed child, so of course I made a lot of mistakes. Did I learn from those mistakes? Of course. But on the other hand, it was my journey, and for that I have no regrets. I'm proud of the person that I am. Like Socrates said, Know Thyself. Once you know yourself, no one can tell you what is good for you.

    The trouble is that achieving this level of enlightenment often comes with a high price. (Honestly, I wish I had the link to another post I read on here about Bad Girls, Good Girls, and Those That Are In Between because it really came to mind while reading this). I can admit to being something like a Bad Girl Turned Good. Granted my number is nowhere NEAR the 30-range, (I took a vow of celibacy WAY before it got to that point) it's not something I like to disclose early on in a relationship. That's not to say I'm not honest because I am, and if a man can't accept me for my past, then it's really no harm done. To be honest, I really don't want someone who is so weak-minded to as to allow his friends or societal norms define his ideal woman. Where I come from, we call those little boys.

    Don't judge me for catching a glimpse of Black Men Revealed every now and then lol, but I heard some advice on there once that really struck me, "When you're looking to marry, find someone you feel comfortable telling anything to." As long as there's trust between us, what everyone else says doesn't matter.

    And besides that, taking a walk on the dark side was not so bad. If anything, I think I'm far more understanding of others' pasts now because I know what it's like to be at a low-point. I don't expect my future husband to be 100% perfect, (life is messy) but as long as he's become a better person for those mistakes, I can look passed them.

    As far as consulting others for advice, when you're in a relationship, what goes on between you and him is strictly between you and him. I can't tell you how flawed some of the mother to daughter/ son-in-law, sister to sister-in-law, husband to cousin-in-law relationships are in my family behind people jumping to dog their spouses out on the phone with family members rather than handling their issues in private. Lucky for me, I'm the youngest, so I get to learn these lessons vicariously. If you need outside help, find a professional and go to counseling TOGETHER b/c most of the time you sitting down and discussing w/ your homies or girlfriends is only giving them one side of the story. You're not getting constructing criticism b/c they're gonna be biased.

    Great post though! Thanks, Dr. J.

  10. "All I’m suggesting is that, not every woman is going to come fresh out the package, unused, no baggage, no damage, sometimes you got to reevaluate where you stand and what makes you personally happy, sometimes when you stop listening to other people you find something that may work out for you."

    Very well said. The same is true for men. I'd argue that some women tend to overlook baggage more than others. Though sometimes it's only because they try to "change" or "fix" men, whether it actually works or not.

    Great post on this Tuesday morning!

  11. I had to get out of bed on this one and before I finish this comment, I'm going to have to make coffee. I agree with a lot of what J said here. Like I explained yesterday, I'm in a great relationship…. I brought a FIVE PIECE LUGGAGE SET WITH ME. I had to realize he ain't them and one day while I was making the drive from my house to his I through that sh*t out the back window. Then, I waited some months and told him what the deal was and he looked at me, blinked and said "But baby, with what I know about you I can't even be convinced you were that girl."

    Going out on a limb, I'm going to say the reason for that is THIS: Third rule, if you’re going to date someone who has been around your network a few times, you have one choice, move to another network. *shouts* Yep, I moved back home after college and all that ish I used to do, I don't do it anymore. There's not too many folks around the place I spent most of my life I've been with and honestly, in that rowdy place where I went to college either since I mostly had full relationships (see yesterday's post).

    So anyways, what I'm saying is… or rather I am questioning is whether the idea of the past really matters at all? I mean I didn't ask and he didn't ask but I guarantee you everything pertinent to US is out there. I know his shortcomings and he knows mine. Past that, I don't hesitate to tell ANYBODY… "That's mine and we go together". Point blank period, I'll cut you

    And then, J… AMEN on this: All I’m suggesting is that, not every woman is going to come fresh out the package, unused, no baggage, no damage, sometimes you got to reevaluate where you stand and what makes you personally happy, sometimes when you stop listening to other people you find something that may work out for you. BUY THAT MAN A MAYBACH because he needs it. In reality, last year in April if you had told me that I would be in a LASTING relationship, I'd have said he wouldn't pick me to stay with because I'm…. But you know what I'm everything good for him. He's perfect to me. Fresh out of f*cks on what everyone else thinks and these are lessons I'm still learning. LAWD …this post! GREAT JOB!!!!

  12. Great Post

    "Let me append to that; men truly take into consideration how they look in a situation when choosing a mate. "

    So even if a guy is really into a girl and think she may be the one, he may not pursue her seriously because of what other people may have to say about her? Do men really care this much about other people's opinions?

    1. The simple answer to your question, Yes. But I think you got ahead of yourself and also took that line a bit out of context. A man is not going to declare a woman "the one" if he feels like that woman makes him look bad.

      Because of what other people may have to say about her? That depends. We all know men/women who date people and marry people that the public opinion is not all that great. It depends on what was said. For men, "Bruh, that girl is a straight b*tch, she's always firing off on something" that doesn't always disqualify a woman. I know plenty of men who will say, "My girl got a sharp tongue, but she hold me down, so I don't care." Now for example, "Bruh, just about every man we know has been through that and dropped it like a bad habit." That's probably something that will affect that man's opinion of that girl and of himself.

      But you have to be careful here Keona, the rest of that paragraph was very important. In addition to the fact that sometimes men just don't care what the word is, although they take into consideration. There's a story I always share with people. I have a classmate that I went to school with, who moved across the country, this young lady got around in school. She met a guy and they were engaged. I had the chance of meeting this guy and because I knew he was going to marry her, he asked me joking one time, "Haha, yo what did people used to say about her back in college?" He wasn't asking for a Carfax, but I could have gave it to him.

      I replied, "Lol, well she was a little awkward at first, but you know, in college you really find yourself and you see many girls become women in those 4-5 years." To me, if he was going to live on the other side of the country, completely away from this girl's network, what sense does it make to tell him about her past? It would have only made him doubt himself. And it makes no sense to go around throwing shade on a girl's name unless it's critical that one does so. The point is, in his network, whether he found out about her past or not, he doesn't look any type of way because of it. He actually just looks like he pulled a pretty hot girl with a fun personality. And that's all that matters. I don't have the time but this is why most people are always encouraged to, "date outside of your circle". This is how you avoid finding out those things you don't want to know.

      1. I feel some kinda way about this. But I guess it doesn't matter; it is what it is. I guess it upsets me that you can get away from a "reputation" by relocating, but what if the issue that may disqualify you isn't something you can just escape from? I know I'm reaching, so I'll let it go. In my naive mind,however, I'd like the guy that falls in love with me to feel that way regardless of what other people think. But like I said, it is what it is.

        1. But now that I think about it, sometimes your friends & family can see things that you can't & just want to keep you from doing something stupid. I guess there's two sides to this coin.

        2. I feel what you saying about not being able to escape from some things. That's why I said downthread, the best that you can do is just be upfront. I've dealt with a girl who stopped me before something popped off and was like, "Wait… so have you heard ANYTHING about me?" And my response was, "Nah, but I don't really ask dudes about chicks i'm feeling so…"

          She straight gave me the hand to chest and was like, "I need you to slow down and let me come clean." She paused for a moment and then was like, "There's a story that has been going around for years." I can't even tell you what she told me because it's very specific. But after that I respected that she came clean. I think it really comes down to.. and this is not just for you Keona but all people men and women.

          It's not the fact that happened as much as it's the fact that you try and hide it. That speaks more to your character than the fact that something crazy happened in your past.

          PS – You're right your friends and family may see some thing that you don't see.

  13. I know people have brought up parts of this snippet before, but I need to quote the whole thing for posterity:

    ******

    Before bringing this up to anyone, I personally make a decision if I’m willing to deal with all this or not. I think that’s where most people get themselves into trouble is by involving everyone in their decision to deal with someone. They will talk to their friends and review general societal norms to develop what they personally feel about something.

    ******

    I had to learn this the hard way (still kind of learning) and Dr. J is so right in saying this whole idea is all the way backwards. At the end of the day, only two people can make a relationship work. Nobody else can make decisions for you, and if you allow them to, there's no reason to be mad when everything blows up in your face (saying this more for myself than anybody else lol).

    As far as the numbers game, I'm only 22 and I'm already over it. I don't mind sharing my number because I'm comfortable with it, but I make a mental note of it whenever a guy asks and how he asks. And it's an even bigger flag when he follows up with "don't you wanna know my number?" NO, I don't want to know – what's that going to do for me? I usually take things slow, so by this point I'm pretty sure we've both decided what we want out of whatever is going on. All I need to see are the tests results stating that you are clear of any and all STI's.

  14. I love love love this article, because the fact of the matter is: no one is perfect. I heard it in Tank's song feat Drake, "Real girls aren't perfect and perfect girls ain't real." Let's just say I fall in the real girls category…lol.

    But I'm true to myself and who I am. I'm respected because of that. People are ALWAYS going to have something to say, but that's life. When you find someone who's going to hold your hand, regardless, it's worth having and loving. I rocks with this article Dr. J!

    Many may not like your point of views on life, but I do (sounds like I'm choosing…lol). Seriously though, I respect it and I agree.

    Great post 🙂

  15. "This might surprise you, but if a man meets a girl and he knows that she’s been around, but his boys don’t know, he ain’t going to say nothing, he’ll just let it rock. By the same token, the reason why I always remain quiet when it comes to cheating in relationships is because I truly believe that both sexes are just as likely to cheat, the interesting thing is, a man won’t tell everybody he’s been cheated on. Women will tell everybody they been cheated on and then wonder why their friends judge them for going back to their husband."

    This paragraph right here. I co-sign this entire post so I don't have much to add today.

    1. "Women will tell everybody they been cheated on and then wonder why their friends judge them for going back to their husband.”

      Yup. Its best to keep your business to yourself…

    1. "She asked me what I meant and I explained to her this; I’ve always felt like if you refused to disclose your number then you thought you did something bad, if you weren’t afraid to disclose your number then you didn’t think you did anything wrong. I could live with that."

      Again, without going into what happened after these situations, keep in mind, the streets didn't know anything about her history and she was very forthright and honest. At the end of the day, you can rock out with that. That's the best that she could do given her circumstance.

        1. I don't know. I don't know if I want to answer that here either. Again, I shy away from conversations about numbers. What I will say is that for some people they don't care and some people do care. And both of those people are full within their rights to feel that way. I don't think it's fair when women attack men for wanting a woman who's been with less women than he has. That's fine, that's his decision. And I don't think it's fair to judge a man who's dating a woman with a 30-40 body count. Whatever that man is willing to put up with is on him.

  16. I enjoyed the mix playing in the background as I went through the post. Both are good. I particularly took to the fact you pointed out about few men being willing to date women who are like them. Unrealistic as it sounds, considering past and current double standards, I believe it only rational to hold people to a similar standard as you hold yourself. Only a man who is particularly selective about who he sleeps with should expect the same of his potential partners. Don't sit there telling me about how you've dipped your carrot stick in every ranch sauce within a 100 mile radius and in the same breath complain that she is known for being somewhat liberal about sharing her creamy goodness. When it comes to the numbers game, I see no problem with individuals looking to date wanting and feeling they have a right to know. However, temper your judgment with some self assessment.

    1. I think lost in this point is always a comparison of sexual history. Many times that "date a person like them" is more about personality traits. A lighthearted example is, I typically don't date Libras because practically nothing ever gets decided. If you know any Libra well you know that, "We are very indecisive. We don't know what we want, but we know what we don't want." Two Libras dating is just bad news, we'll be in the house trying to pick a restaurant for dinner all night. But on a more serious note, just to follow up on the Libra point, we're obsessed with pleasing others and that can be difficult when both people in the relationship are like that. I've been in arguments with women about who actually did the compromising in the situation because we want the other to know that we want to make them happy even when we ourselves aren't happy. So as you can see these are reasons outside of sex that people choose not to date people like them.

      1. lol, I guess some of these horoscope thinamajigs are fairly accurate.

        To be fair, personality traits have a big hand in sexual history. Openness to Experience ("appreciation for art, emotion, adventure, unusual ideas, curiosity, and variety of experience") as one of the Big Five personality traits can and does guide people's sexual attitudes.

    2. @NaijaSweets

      There is no double standard… Men & women are held to different standards,& we have different motivations…

      If a woman cannot be chaste, she should expect only the lowest of dudes to consider her for matrimony…

      Women need to stop trying to browbeat men for their "liberal" tendencies, and get paid for being slu.ts

  17. What I get from the post is that it may not be in a persons best interest to past judgement on someones past, and I kinda agree..But then I have to ask when is ok to judge a persons past? Yea its the past and all but sometimes that "baggage" can help forecast what a future relationship may become with said individual..#datingwoes101

    1. I understand what you are saying but don't you believe that you are different. I'm not saying the person with the baggage necessarily is but if you don't have the same traits as the person with the baggage maybe just maybe the outcome will be different. Now if the personhas STI baggage or criminal baggage sure……..but if you are a dude with the same LOL ok I'll stop I got way off track here……..

      Do you understand what I mean though?

        1. The thing is a new person is the chance for you to have new relationship experiences. I don't think you should go in thinking their baggage is going to haunt your relationship unless the persons past is detrimental to your health or livelihood. For example (this may sound extreme but its true )I met a guy who used to hustle and he tells me he had to leave because he got caught up. So eventually he was going to have to talk to the Feds and you know his "people" were looking for him. I COULD NOT and he understood. I am not THAT ride or die I'm sorry lol, but there are some women who are.

  18. This wasn't explicitly stated in the blog but implied by our society (and some men, not all) that sweet, innocent and virginal= perfect. As its been said up thread and it can't be said enough, no one is perfect. Even people with no relationship experience have baggage, its just in other areas, ie; insecurity about NOT having relationship experience, etc. Now would I hold someone's lack of experience against them? No. If I like you, I like you whether you've got more track mileage than Amtrak or not. Sexual experience is just ONE part of a person. I've blocked some blessings in the past being too judgmental so now….I"m open to the possibilities.

    As seductive as it is, we should resist putting ANY human being on a pedastal, whether they are saved and sanctified or a certified sinner cause its a lonnng way down.

    1. "This wasn’t explicitly stated in the blog but implied by our society (and some men, not all) that sweet, innocent and virginal= perfect."

      I suspect as men get older, this becomes less important.

      "Sexual experience is just ONE part of a person."

      I agree with this wholeheartedly. While I think chex is important, I think it's really just another piece of the puzzle. What's the line though? How bad does a person have to be to get left? I think this is why as people get older the number isn't as important, they know being good comes with practice. Right?

  19. Good post Doctor. I suppose damage is subjective. Men typically want a woman with some experience so she knows what she is doing in bed, yet they still somehow want her to only have two partners. No one is perfect, but I guess the amount of imperfections one is willing to accept is up to them.

    Not much else to write. You covered this pretty well.

    1. "Men typically want a woman with some experience so she knows what she is doing in bed, yet they still somehow want her to only have two partners. "

      Why is that?

      1. They want the woman to have 1 person before him to have taught her everything and then the 1 person after which is the person writing the post — yunno like 1 other person and then Hugh cause then his woman is still innocent and pure, just good in bed. Unrealistic, but men think that way.

        1. you can be snow white and still be good in bed you know. This whole idea that in order to deep throat you need to suck off atleast 15 guys is outlandish.

          You just need a good teacher and a healthy respect for pornye.

      2. @NinaFontaine

        I know, for me, I have changed my stance on (near) virgins…

        I only want se.xually experienced women for practice & maybe flings…

        For se.xually inexperience girls, how much experience does it take to deepthroat/ride/master a d*ck…

        It can't be that complicated…

      3. What do you mean why?

        Why would we want a smut?

        Think of the Best Man, the movie. Do you really want to look at your wife getting dogged out by anybody else? How about the entire Alpha line at Howard Fall 06? Well me neither.

        The same pain you go through when somebody cheats on you, men go through via embarrassment when they wife a smeeze. Now somebody is going to jump on here and say that isn't logical b/c what someone does before a relationship doesn't count. I understand that point, but you have to look at it how the other men who smashed look at it.

        "This guy spends time, money, energy, and resources just for the ability to smash this chick, and all I had to do was show off my letter and my whole team got the same privileges he gets. WHAT.A.SUCKA."

        If i am going to put time into a person, I better be getting something that is exclusive. I can't spend 100K just to drive a Toyata Camry. That doesn't make any sense. Now you may say, he a Camry or a Porsche, they get you there the same. Who care who else has a Camry on the road. True. I'll drive a Camry. However, I AM NOT GOING TO PAY 100K while everyone else paid just 22K.

        1. If i am going to put time into a person, I better be getting something that is exclusive. I can’t spend 100K just to drive a Toyota Camry. That doesn’t make any sense. Now you may say, he a Camry or a Porsche, they get you there the same. Who care who else has a Camry on the road. True. I’ll drive a Camry. However, I AM NOT GOING TO PAY 100K while everyone else paid just 22K

          Pretty much sums it up right there. It's an issue of consistency.

        2. I don't know man. That's really tough to wife a girl that's been around the block a few times IMO. After the age of 25 I stopped dating just to date. I wasn't going to enter into a relationship with someone I couldn't actually see myself marrying. I could chill with a girl who had some mileage on the odometer, but I can't see being in a relationship with her because I can't see myself marrying that girl. That's especially true if someone/or a couple people in my circle have known her. I just can't be with someone my friends have known intimately. Call it immaturity, insecurity, or whatever else you want. I don't want to walk through the mall with my GF and see a bunch of dudes smile as they pass her. Dudes talk just as much as women do in some cases. If a few people in the circle have gotten at her then that's a no bueno for me. 

          Everybody keeps saying not to listen to what other people say and that  is true in some cases. However, there is probably some truth in everything people are telling you. The story may be embellished some, but then you have to question why she keeps ending up in these compromising situations. I understand some women look for love in the wrong places. I won't fault her for that, but that might be something that turns me off. It doesn't make her a bad person it just means she not for me. No woman is perfect.  It's is a catch 22 for women but that's the way it is.

        3. I guess I just don't get it.

          guys always say that they can't get with a girl that has high numbers… yet, ho.es (reformed or current) stay getting married, it seems.

          So… I just don't know about all of this.

        4. Actually that should go to tell you something. A little Dr. J advice for you:

          "Chicks say they want a man with a nice job, a good education, and got something going for himself, but they still deal with ain't sh*t n*ggas everydayb. That's cool. Men say, you can't turn a hoe into a housewife. But I know plenty of married hoes."

          It don't make any sense, but it does. That's probably the biggest takeaways here today; everybody always talking about a perfect situation, but there's overwhelming evidence that perfect doesn't happen.

          Quick story: There was this guy who was dating his joint at A&T from Freshman year to Senior year. When they got out of school, she asked him about marriage, he said, he wasn't ready for all that. So she said, when you are holler at me. They broke up for about two years. In those two years she slept with 6 other men. At one point he thought to himself that he was getting nowhere, he might as well get back right with his girl. And she was willing and so was he. But then she said, I have to tell you about something first. And she told him about the guys.

          He sat back, threw his hands in his head and thought, "Damn, you slutted it out, this changes everything!" But he searched in himself and he thought, "But I love the sh*t out of you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life, I ain't tripping over TWO YEARS." They got back together and got married and have a beautiful family now.

        5. @ CheeKZ what is this phenomenon that 15 p*nis teach a woman anything??? Why is skill even a part of the conversation? But check this out at my age and I've never been married if I was so inclined to sleep with 1 man every 2 years from the time I first had chex I would have more than 15 as a body count. He said 2. Yes if you're 20. MAYBE! Body count does not a relationship make nor should it break. How the person loves, respects and takes care of you should.

          (Admin note: The P-words are blocked on this site)

        6. @Thereluctantsocialite

          "guys always say that they can’t get with a girl that has high numbers… yet, ho.es (reformed or current) stay getting married, it seems."

          I've seen this also, and the only way I can explain this is because these so-called reformed hoes/smuts whatever kept their hotivities to themselves while having buffer zones so therefore they were able to slip under the radar without being detected.

        7. “Chicks say they want a man with a nice job, a good education, and got something going for himself, but they still deal with ain’t sh*t n*ggas everydayb. That’s cool. Men say, you can’t turn a hoe into a housewife. But I know plenty of married hoes. It don’t make any sense, but it does. That’s probably the biggest takeaways here today; everybody always talking about a perfect situation, but there’s overwhelming evidence that perfect doesn’t happen."

          This is soooooooo true, J.

          "He sat back, threw his hands in his head and thought, “Damn, you slutted it out, this changes everything!” But he searched in himself and he thought, “But I love the sh*t out of you, and I want to be with you for the rest of my life, I ain’t tripping over TWO YEARS.” They got back together and got married and have a beautiful family now."

          I love this story. Beautiful 🙂

        8. @ Girlsixx:

          "I’ve seen this also, and the only way I can explain this is because these so-called reformed hoes/smuts whatever kept their hotivities to themselves while having buffer zones so therefore they were able to slip under the radar without being detected."

          Well I've seen the situation that you're talking about too… but I'm talking about KNOWN ho.es. That EVERYBODY knew was one. Seems like they STAY getting married…lol.

        9. @NinaFontaine

          I think we are having a miscommunication. My comment was a response to Redlady's claim that "men want a good girl, who still knows how to handle the pipe. and that is unrealistic." I was just saying, you CAN learn with one, you don't need multiple idcks to practice on.

          15 is a lot of idcks. But as you angrily put it, the mere number alone doesn't make you a smut. We would have to talk about each one and circumstances. However that is a healthly amount of idcks, either way. I mean its not like you can have a telethon to raise money for idck strave african women who have sucks off 15 guys. People won't feel sorry for them, they would say "15 idcks, that is enough to live off of. I am not going to donate my hard earned money to well feed women." See what I mean?

        10. "Think of the Best Man, the movie. Do you really want to look at your wife getting dogged out by anybody else? How about the entire Alpha line at Howard Fall 06? Well me neither."

          I cracked the eff up at this.

  20. "Sometimes when you stop listening to other people you find something that may work out for you"

    You know what's funny about people (friends) who are so quick to pass judgement or give you unwarranted advice, they are the main ones who are quick to be like "Oh but that's different though" when the shoe is on their foot. *smh* I got a girlfriend like this, she is quick to pass judgement but then turnaround and try to justify her situation when you bring up her ish. I still love her to death though but I have learned that nobody can live my life for me BESIDES ME so now I pick and choose what I tell her when discussing people I date.

    This entire post is BAWSE.

      1. I think it all depends on that person. Me personally I would NEVER encourage one of my GF's to do something I wouldn't have the guts to do if I happened to end up in that situation, that is why I don't like giving my 0.02cents unless asked, and trust me they do ask from time to time and I always say, "I can't make that decision for you or tell you what you should do I could only tell you what I would do if I was in that situation"

  21. Maybe because I'm so wide eyed and generally inexperienced when it comes to relationships but I sorta care about a guys number and baggage. I feel like right now in the age I am I don't have to deal with all that baggage that one guy may bring. Maybe I feel like a guy around my age shouldn't have much baggage anyway. It's just something I don't want to deal with because I don't have any baggage. I realize no one is perfect but i want someone with the least amount of baggage and other relationship scars so me and him can build something rather than me wait on him to get over his ex lol.

  22. I actually sad that we keep going back to the number issue… I really took from it all the different types of damaged.

    The "I don't want anyone who has seen my wife naked at my wedding"

    CO-SIGN. Her sister will just have to stay outside.

    Do you know what that guy is thinking during the wedding? I know exactly what that guy is getting. Its not that good.

    The whole network thing is a problem with me, b/c I really think highly of some of my people's former jawns. These wolves only like to take down smart sheep. Sometimes I find myself seeing a girl taking the walk of shame, thinking to myself wow that would make a good wifey. But once you touch a member of the team already, no matter the capacity you can never be more than a jump.

    I remember my Jr year, one of my good friends hooked up with my dreamgirl. A girl I thought I would never get, first time I saw her I said, damn I never get girls like that. My man had her bu++ naked but never beat (mitigating circumstances, take my word for it). Next year, by the grace of the Goon Gods, I actually took it down. I was so happy, I would acutally say stuff like "this means to much to me" while in the pomps. Than of course she asks me when are we going to get serious. I couldn't do it… three years ago I would have happily got down on one knee for her, even though she didn't like my guts. Now we were good friends and great lovers but I couldn't wife her b/c I now knew dudes who she had hooked up with. They weren't many, but they were there.

    1. Sometimes a woman is not taking the walk of shame. Sometimes she's just taking her ass home. Call it, the stride of pride. We can't have it both way bruh. You can't say you hate when a chick won't go home the next day, but then call it the walk of shame. Sometimes us men can be so backwards. We want people to think we respect the women we smash, but then we get mad when they bring an overnight bag to the crib. Your boys see that girl leaving the crib in the outfit from the club the last night and yes that's the Walk of Shame. I can't judge a girl taking the Stride of Pride. I guess I had to learn this the hard way when I seen one of the baddest chicks at my school taking that stride, but she was coming from the dude's house that she was dealing with. It just dawned on me, how the hell else would she get home?

      1. @Dr. J: "Sometimes a woman is not taking the walk of shame. Sometimes she’s just taking her ass home." – Funniest, yet realest thing Ive read all year.

        @CHeeKZ Money, I honestly dont understand your logic. Like at all. You're basically letting what others MIGHT think about you dictate your relationships? I guess.

        If I had boys/friends that judged what I did and the decisions I make then they obviously aint my boys/friends. And if they aint my boys/friends they just some simp dudes that have no affect on my life what-so-ever. I'm surprised how many dudes are on here co-signing living their own damn lives based on what other MEN think….that's damn near homosexual.

        I tend to be more on the walk around the club, fcuk everybody tip. *shrugs* To each their own.

        1. Oddly enough I have way more respect for your perspective than I do my own. I think the ability to shrug off being laughed at and ridiculed is an honorable trait. However, I would not be comfortable with that level of clowning. I will openly admit to it being insecurity. However, I just have not reached the point where I can put on a pedestal what other person p!sses on. How could I ever pull myself to defend her honor when by the time I got with her she had none to begin with?

          Believe me I salute you though. I have a good buddy who wifed a Bobblehead. I think the fact that he is latin had a lot to do with it. But she stepped to him in her typical "you can get this for the free" smut ways. He said no, I want to love you and he saved her. Gave her confidence. Now this girl was such a smut she had facebook groups about her and when we went out some people would clown him but he didn't care. It was noble, but it wasn't for me.

        2. For clarification Cheekz, I'm not surprised that dudes dont want a woman with a lot of mileage on her. I can respect that thinking, even if it's usually hypocritical and a double standard because they dont hold themselves to the same standard. Still, I can respect it. No one wants a good looking car with 500k miles on it.

          BUT, what I wasnt following is not wanting the car because someone else might think it has a lot of miles on it or judging you for driving the nice looking slightly-used car. That's where I dont care but in fairness, I tend not to care about the next man or the other other man's opinion. Maybe it's the Texan in me. Maybe I'm just a self-centered @sshole. Whatever the case.

          Like I said though, we all have our own codes/standards to live by. It is what it is.

        3. I completely understand what Cheekz is saying. To some men, image is everything. I don't think that's a downfall, I just think it's a reality. People get killed over image in other cultures. It may not be as big a deal here, but it's worth taking into consideration.

    2. Side note, be very careful with how you deal with your mans ex-jawns. Because of one important thing, "what if you get that jawn pregnant?"

      That's a situation that can get nasty, #porkrinds.

        1. Yeah, but the thing about that situation is this…

          If you smashing off your mans ex and them and then she get pregnant, that's a classic case of "what's done in the dark comes to the light." 1) If your mans didn't know, now he knows the type of friend you are. 2) If he did and your boys know, now everybody know you got a kid with the jawn he dropped like a bad habit. (Providing he doing the breaking up.)

          I know a guy who's whole chapter ran through a jawn. He the one who got her pregnant. That was an awkward baby shower… When folks found out she was pregnant their reaction was like, "Damn, I need to give that cat a call. That's messed up. I guess that's how that game of hot potato go…"

          But everything ain't all that bleak. I know another group of friends where one dude basically admitted he wasn't man enough to do right by a lady. He let her go. His boy stepped up and was like, "Yo would you mind if I take a stab at that." It was all love. One man was trying to be bachelor, another man was trying to settle down and that woman made an excellent wifey for him.

          You just have to be careful, you know.

  23. I embrace my baggage. I let men know, Its a package deal. Smart men embrace women with baggage as well. Everytime I think of this the relationship of Angelina Jolie & Brad Pitt comes to mind. A dude recently opened my eyes even more to this entire issue. I can't share how though…

  24. I was the ultimate damaged girl. My man met me at the tender age 18 and I was already carrying tons of baggage. We had a long, intimate conservation after he proposed last year and I asked him why he even bothered with me in the beginning and he said "I just knew that you were special." He's been terribly patient with me during my personal growth and stuck by me even when I was being unbearable. If he was to walk out tomorrow, I would have not a single regret. He has helped make me into the woman I am today and I'm 1000 times better because he's in my life.

    Most adults have at least a little baggage, but you have to be a special breed of person to take on a partner with significant issues, and that bag lady/man better be worth it.

    Kudos Dr. J

  25. This is what I'm wondering about. When ya'll get married or stay together for however long you think is a azz long time, let's say twenty years, will her past still matter? Can a person be so damaged that you can't see being happy with them in the long run? Sure, there will be extreme cases but by then what your boys think won't matter or whatever she learned with some other dude, you'll have taught her something better, so why does it matter now, especially if you're happy? In twenty years, you'll have created your own past together and the details about her past you worry about now will seem so minute.

    1. Krystl:

      You have to look at this two ways and make a decision:

      1) Have you ever seen the movie History of Violence with Viggo Mortenson? It's a hell of a good movie. It talks about man who owns a diner, who ends up killing these two burglars. But the way he does it, is like assassination style, so it throws everyone off. Basically the main character used to be a murderer but he moved away from the life, changed his identity and settled into this town as a family man. However, years after he had long put those things away, instincts took over and he had a reprise. A lot of people are this way in their relationships. You can be a complete slore, marry and then spend 20 years never doing anything, but one day, instinct takes over. You look at that movie Unfaithful with Richard Gere… his wife was wild in college, but then she became a wife and put those things away… but look what happened when a French dude came out the wood-works. She broke under pressure.

      2) The other way you can look at it is that everybody goes through a bad spell in life. College is usually that time, but for some it's from 23-28. I've seen people do damage at certain periods of their life and then one day, they're ready to put things away and move on to being more mature. Those people can go on to lead normal lives and never have any incidents anymore. You have to make a decision for yourself if that's something you can deal with.

      Either way you look at it, you have to make some decisions about what you're willing to deal with in your own life. If you listened to the mix today, really focus on Musiq "Against the World" there's a powerful message behind that. My favorite on the mix is Prostitute Flange, I had a girl like that who as Most put it, I was completely addicted to for years. I was happy tho… and had she not gotten married, lol, who knows?

      Last example i'll give you Krystl is that there's a few people in this world: there's people who can't swim, people who can swim, and those who swim well enough to be a lifeguard. The difference between a person who can swim and those who are lifeguards is a sense of responsibility that everyone is not required to have. Simply put, there's a lot of good men out there who are capable of loving a woman, but not every good man is Captain Save-a-Hoe. You can't put that on a man, that's a decision he has to make. This isn't even her past sexual experiences. You got to think to yourself, how many men have dated women with children and at a certain point a conversation is had about how far this will go. Most women with children know, there's going to be some good men who just make the decision that it's not something they can deal with. Doesn't make them any less of a man, it's a personal decision and mature decision to not enter a situation that they later will have to leave abruptly and off messed up circumstance.

      1. Dang, you got really deep on me. But I see what you're saying though. To me, it's all a leap of faith, baggage or no baggage

      2. "You look at that movie Unfaithful with Richard Gere… his wife was wild in college, but then she became a wife and put those things away… but look what happened when a French dude came out the wood-works. She broke under pressure."

        What?? Was this the editor's cut or extended version of the movie, because I saw this flick and I didn't see that part?

        She just got tired of her everyday suburbanite routine and wanted a little excitement in the city.

        1. Go back and pay attention to their conversations about how things used to be. They had conversations in the movie. That's actually my favorite movie. I always find a sly way to watch it with anyone i'm seeing seriously to let them know what I would do if they cheated on me.

        2. @Dr.J

          Yeah I just might have to On Demand that, I like it too — but I didn't get that message from the movie.

      3. "You got to think to yourself, how many men have dated women with children and at a certain point a conversation is had about how far this will go. Most women with children know, there’s going to be some good men who just make the decision that it’s not something they can deal with. Doesn’t make them any less of a man, it’s a personal decision and mature decision to not enter a situation that they later will have to leave abruptly and off messed up circumstance."

        ALL. OF. THIS.

        I hung out women with kids, but they know i can't bring my self to taking a step daddy role, so therefore those situations have a cut-off point. Women want to act like they're emotionally equipped to handle casual situations, but when tested it's a good chance she'll fold and show her cards.

    2. It all depends on the baggae. I know from experiece that overlooking certain things early on in a relationship is like sweeping dirt underneath a rug. It doesnt go away and sooner or later youll have to lift up the rug and deal with the dirt. Im willing to deal with certain baggage and not judge on certain things because im not perfect myself, but I could never wife someone who's was a former roller (dmv slang for garden tool) and in my opinon once a roller always a roller, she just needs the right person or persons to bring it out. Ive dated and even lived with a girl who had checkered past (40+) but i knew in the back of my mind I could never marry her, I just enjoyed the sex and luxury of having a live in.

  26. Hmm… So I always thought guys cared about how they appeared in their network but I have this one friend who's behavior is confusing me a little…

    I have this one friend, he was tryna get on this other friend of ours. He knew a little bit about her sexual history, she's gotten played by a couple ppl in our circle. I dont think she's a hoe, i just think she's just kinda dumb. She hangs out with a lot of white girls and you know they tend to be little less sexually conservative at times, at least that's what I've seen.

    Anyways, my friend is still trying to get on. despite the fact that multiple ppl in his circle pretty much dogged her and all of us know about it. I have my personal theories on why, number 1 being that it's cuz she swallows, but I'm not entirely sure.

    But yeah, your post just made me think of him. The girl isnt scarred or anything, just has a less than pristine record I guess. She's a nice girl so I guess he just values her personality more. As a friend I just want him to happy, that's really all it is.

  27. Interesting post. I personally do not share my number and do not ask anyone to share theirs with me. The way I see it, we are all grown I am not a virgin and neither is he. It is understood that we have had partners in the past. It doesnt make any difference if it has been 10, 20, 35 because it wont change how he makes me feel or how good he is in bed with me. What I care about is the number of people you are dealing with when we are dealing with eachother if it is not a exclusive relationship.

    I do believe that things are not as simple as we wished it was. There are always situations that change the dynamics of things and affect how shyt unfolds. Thats why I strongly believe that we need to look in the mirror before making judgement. You should not be asking for something unless you can provide it. You should be able to meet your own standards, before you place them on others.

    Besos and have a great day folks!

    1. So would you marry a man that was married two times before he met you? The reason i ask is men are expected to have alot of sexual partners so its easier for a woman to not want to know his number or overlook it if its high, but more than likely you wouldnt marry someone who was already married twice. Men look at women with a high body count the same way women look at guys with a bunch of kids by diffrent women or that have been married several times (lesser value).I dont thinks its shallow its just having standards.

      And i disagree with you, there's a huge diffrence between 10, 20, and 35. The amount of men a woman has hooked up with says alot about her character point blank period. 10-20 for an adult woman is to be expected but 35 and above #cmonson

      1. "The reason i ask is men are expected to have alot of sexual partners so its easier for a woman to not want to know his number or overlook it if its high"

        *ascends into the rafters*

        This might get real.

      2. This is the fallacy of men. There's three things here I want to point out:

        1) I said in the post, women cheat too, men are too prideful to ever say anything, so they get away with it.

        2) Women keep their ish on the low. Have you thinking her roses don't smell like boo boo. If you can find 25 women to sleep with in college, why can't she? When you hit your second option, what makes you think she didn't dead you for her first option? Dudes have the biggest misconception of women because of their own insecurities. Men meet stand up women everyday.

        3) Men lie a lot, they never get in this conversation because they know their numbers be like 50-75 at times. You mean to tell me you think that women will sleep with 30% of the amount you sleep with?! What type of multiple is that? And who are you sleeping with? With that math that means that there's a group of straight hoe-bags and then a bunch of prim and priss women. It's just illogical. 30 is probably more accurate than people think. Of course you have women who will say 8-10, but seriously, if you meet a 32 year old and she says 32 bodies, don't flip out.

        1. Thank you Dr. J!!! I wholeheartedly agree with you! People dont want to look in the mirror. And want to hold other onto standards they can never hold themselves to.

          Thats how shyt gets real around these parts.

        2. 32 bodies?

          too high for my taste. But hey even Kate Middleton probably lied about her numbers to get the crown, so its not like I would know.

        3. @ Cheeekz maybe he never asked. Maybe he really loves her and doesnt care about the number of ppl that came before him, because is happy with the person he has.

        4. @ MsDulce

          THE FUTURE QUEEN OF ENGLAND? You get shot for saying ish like that! You ever hear of a thing called paparazzi. If Kate was giving out throat hugs in the middle of court I think we would have heard about it by now. That is an example of what you did in the past coming back to haunt. You can't get away with being lose and people not knowing about it.

      3. Awww the beauty of the double standard gotta fcking love it! I dont know if I would marry someone who has been married twice, shyt is never that simple. If we are older and I have been married or whatever situation changes and calls for compromise. Thats not a legitimate comparison. Dr. J can correct me if I am wrong, but to me the point of this post is to realize that everyone has situations and baggage that makes shyt a lil more complex.

        “The reason i ask is men are expected to have alot of sexual partners so its easier for a woman to not want to know his number or overlook it if its high"

        As far as the number thing is concerned I stand by my original response. Your statement attempts to justify why mens numbers are over looked, but some women just dont care. I cant generalize, I am talking about me, and I make this very clear to the person i am dealing with. I wont share my number no matter how small it is, is just better that way. Specially because 90% of the time when men ask for that shyt, they not ready for the answer, no matter how small the number might be men still have some shyt to say. I dont expect a man to go have a bunch of partners so that he can know how to lay the pipe, because at the end of the day not all women or pumpums are created equal so what worked for them might not work with me. He needs to master the art when it comes to my body and he wont learn that from anyone else but me.

        1. There's nothing wrong with certain double standards in my opinion, i view women in a better light than i view myself so of course i would hope they adhere to higher standards than what i hold myself too. Im well aware that there are a good number of women that go just as hard as me or men in general when it comes to sxe. I have no problem with that, they just wouldnt be my first choice when it comes to marriage. Trust me ive dealt with enough "sexually liberated women" to know i wouldnt want to settle down with one. When it comes to settling down and having kids give me the boring chick who havent been around the block and back and im good.

          Im with you on not asking about my partners history because ive had my pride crushed by my first serious girl telling me the amount of dudes she let hit…#neveragain lol. And im with you the number of people you been with doesnt enhance your skills, reading and communicating with whoever it is your with is more likely to get the job done.

          @ Dr J

          Trust me were here >< bro… i know how alot of females get down and still walk around like theyre angels #im hip, but im convinced that there is still uncurrupted women out there and im optimistic that im going to luck up and get one.

        2. What about the guys who never got around like that? (Yeah, I know how unrealistic that might seem for you to believe) Not every guy has been out there like that. I know I can say I haven't because I don't want a woman who's been out there like that either, and if she has, then I know she'll try to use my past to level the playing field. I realized that early on in life, and my mantra is "I'm not paying for something that everybody else got for free". So, aside from the fact I knew it was wrong to sleep around and risk having a bunch of babies out here, I don't want a woman saying she was just doing what I did, therefore I can't disqualify her for her high body count. I'm not saying I stayed a virgin, but I still have low mileage, especially after growing more and realizing that not every woman is worth the risk of creating children with. I know my future and progeny deserve better, so I have to be selective with who I choose.

      4. @Castro84

        That is a false comparison… The male equivalent to a woman with a high body count is for men to be BROKE & NO SWAG

        If you tell a woman you have been married or have kids, it mostly TURNS her on, cause you have demonstrated that a woman is willing to mate with you…

        Now, she may not be into the baby mama drama, or whatever… But women want men who other women want…

        SSTTE

  28. I don't particularly understand this argument about guys 'getting it for cheap' when it comes to relations. Like if a woman has a one-night stand once, is she obligated to have 'chex' with every guy she meets for the rest of her dating life one the very first night? I can understand the argument if they're withholding it for the absurd reason that he's a 'good guy' versus giving it up immediately for a 'bad boy', but outside of that I don't buy into the pricing analogy.

    Because, you know, people are people and not 'things' or services your purchase (unless you're with a hooker).

    1. I feel it's more about the effort it takes to accomplish the goal of sex. There's comfort in knowing that the last man had to put forth the same effort as you. It says something about the integrity in Her standards. A woman would have a hard time selling the idea that the new man has to wait while the last man hit the first night. She has the right to do whatever she wants, but its hard for a man to respect the work a woman's tryna make him put in, when that work wasn't required prior to him.

      I call it the responsibility of the pursued. There's a reason why they stash away diamonds in vaults to keep the prices hit.

      1. "I call it the responsibility of the pursued. There’s a reason why they stash away diamonds in vaults to keep the prices hit."

        This kinda corresponds with my thought that this 'pricing' is the reason women lie about the past.

        1. why lie? How about just not be whores?

          I'm fully understanding of women having their hoe-ish moments while "finding themselves", but having a hoe-ish moment or two (spring break, crazy party, etc), isn't the same as being a full fledge hoe.

        2. The problem is guys seem to be thinking of this in terms of black and white when there is plenty of grey. What about the girl that has more than 2 but hasnt had a 'hoe-ish' moment?

          Well maybe more than two is whorish *rolls eyes*

        3. Two is an overstatement.

          Wishful thinking… no one is here pointing fingers at a 25 year old women who slept with five guys.

          But 6?!?!

          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nPfmcGP1kLs

          That is why I have a hoe mathmatical formula that I like to use. I am still working on it, I posted it one time and I think Hugh Jazz and Tunde had a problem with some of the criteria I used.

    2. Also every man knows it takes time and money to get a woman……and time IS money….so that's where the "get it for cheap" comparison comes from. Unless you live in the utopian world where every woman is down to go dutch on dates until you're an offical couple.

        1. "There are women who don't dutch date"

          Hell yes…..seriously what city do you live in? I've met my share of cool women who'll go dutch, but the vast majority will disappear by the mere mention of it…….at least here in Atlanta.

    3. @Malik

      There is a thing called the "Sexual Marketplace"… S.ex is absolutely economical…

      But its cool if you want to pay full price, for something that another man paid pennies on the dollar…

      It's absurd, but it is cool

      @Rick h*e is a h*e, I know there is extenuating circumstances, but do you really want to be the first step in a wh*res 12 step program…

      But today, almost every woman out there is h*eing it up (there are exceptions), and men haven't gotten the message yet… (play the game or co-habitate) If a woman cares about getting a commitment from a man so much, she would carry herself better…

      SSTTE

  29. All very interesting. I just wish more people would subscribe to the theory of "I will date who I want to date because its my life and my time that is on the line, forget what others opinions are"…Life would be much easier that way.

  30. Good Post J … I've actually been thinking about the Baggage Claim alot lately and how i can realistically circumvent it's ugly head.

    First things First, I never tell a woman my body count nor do i wanna know hers cuz it'll definitely clap my dome if it's too live … There's zero value added … I made that mistake with my last gf (while we were dating) after being single for dangnear 3 years and basically i wasn't the guy she imagined i was (BTW, i'm not a athlete nor in a frat so it's modest for a regular guy … but i guess she thought i was an virgin-angel or something).

    In terms of baggage tho, I've JUST learned how to deal with it cuz honestly there's no female that i've met that complements me … Trying my best to maintain some type of standard, while not settling is sooo difficult … "Beta" type dudes will pick up they dribble if a chick is on his squadron and attractive or if she has a nice job, but the appearance of things will never outweigh the underlying actuality of what's going on behind the scenes (The baggage). And just cuz it's a Louis Bag don't make it any better, don't get fooled by the packaging.

    And i couldn't agree more with the not getting serious with women in your surrounding circle/network of friends.

    1. Since we are keeping it real talking about numbers… lets keep it real.

      In the post Doc J hit the bold button when shorty said 30. We are making that the female number? 30 = automatic hoedom for any women under 40?

      just a theory. B/c people talk numbers but they don't want to say an actual number.

      1. LOL, no way Cheekz, I disagree. I've already made my definition of what a hoe is and i'm sticking to it.

        "There's a difference between a chick who f*cks mad dudes, and chick who f*cks mad dudes at the same times… now that's a hoe."

        It's all about circumstance homie, it's not the number.

        1. Don't back out the issue Doc.

          What is mad dudes under bad circumstances than? You do agree that poor judgement does count against a potential mate don't you?

          I asking b/c I agree with you.

        2. Well, first of all you backing yourself into corners that you don't need to do that with.

          Mad dudes at the same time: She's letting dudes run triz, defined as three or more dudes having sex with her at one time.

          Mad dudes at the same time: She's got a rotation of more dudes than days of the week of guys she's regularly sleeping with.

          I'm actually liberal though. And realistic. And because of that, i'm more likely to be more informed than most guys. It's easy to lie to a dude who insists he would never sleep with a girl who has had more than 20 partners, he just can't fathom the real amount of women who have. So they lie to him something wild crazy and say 10-12, but 6 of those was my boyfriends. And the p*ssy whip hits you across the neck and you be like, "OK, cool…"

      2. That's just it you and your crew may think 30 = automatic whoredom for anyone woman under 40 but the next man doesn't give a d*mn. So why does the actual # matter. If my number matters to you then I'll tell a dude straight up keep it pushing. Because no matter if its 3 or 30 you got issues with my sexual perception and who would know like Dr. J said unless is 2 or 20 of the dudes YOU KNOW.

        1. Question…….

          If you personally didn't sleep with 30 guys, then why would you take issue with a man who states he doesn't want to wife a woman with 30 guys under he belt?

          And the next man probably won't care about your number if he's only looking at you as smash material, but wifey has a whole different critera.

        2. Nina feels strongly about this issue.

          I'm not mad at you, someone has to fight against the double standard.

        3. @Rick I didn't see one post on here where a woman said wouldn't be with a man that has 30 women under his belt. I take issue with the double standard. You can have your preference but you should also prepare yourself to be lied to. That's all I'm saying. I am not mad I just think some men are unrealistic and its ok for you to live in that fantasy.

          Now where you are wrong is "And the next man probably won’t care about your number if he’s only looking at you as smash material, but wifey has a whole different critera." I could be married today love and was never asked this question. You know why – because I know how to love a man PERIOD! I am not married by choice.

        4. One last comment – then I really need to stop LOL – Because I'm sure the perception now is damn Nina has smashed 30 dudes! I'm cool with my# because the choice was always mine!

          I think my biggest issue is that these comments seem to reflect that there is no room for change. That's just like saying a dude that's run through 100 women before he found THE ONE has no possibility of being a faithful husband and that just isn't true.

        5. I am with Nina 100% on this! Let them live in fantasy land is a safer and happier place for them.

        6. I would strongly advise against any woman marrying a man that has slept with a 100 women. If hes had access to that much pu#&y in his life there's a strong chance hes goin to relapse even in a happy marriage… trust me! Certain dudes arent marriage material just like certain women arent, its all about your standards. I wouldnt want my daughter to marry a reformed player, and i wouldnt want my son to marry a reformed garden tool. Sorry Ms Fontaine but there is only so much change a person can go through.

          Im just going off of what ive seen and experienced personally…

        7. It's all about what you can handle. Everyone has the right to their preferences. They know what baggage is too much. Regarding numbers, I've always known that a man who needs to know or who would care would not make a good husband. Because he's insecure. And if hes insecure about that, then we are gonna have a problem if I make more money, or if I laugh at another man's joke, or if I slip up and get too intelligent, etc. You get the picture. Hes gonna need a lot of ego cuddling. Im not up for that. I need a man who can be the man regardless. So if he sees me as a skank that he won't wife, that's ok. He's doing me a favor, because the marriage wouldn't work.

          Now the man I did marry knew my history and didnt care. He trusted me to be faithful and i was. 100%. Didn't even flirt. Until a year after we separated. And I expect ill find another like that sooner or later. So there you go.

        8. "It’s all about what you can handle. Everyone has the right to their preferences. They know what baggage is too much. Regarding numbers, I’ve always known that a man who needs to know or who would care would not make a good husband. Because he’s insecure."

          Now this, I disagree with. In fact, the latter part somewhat contradicts the first part. That's basically saying "Listen, you have a right to your preferences. But just so you know, you're insecure." Sometimes, that's the case, and sometimes, it isn't. As Paul B mentioned earlier, there are guys who care because they lead a certain lifestyle and want a woman who did and does the same. If a guy has only been with 3-5 women and takes issue with a potential partner having been with 20-30 men, he's quite justified because they are likely not on the same page as far as sexuality is concerned. There are many guys who care, and who make fantastic husbands. It's simply one of the many things that people have a right to discuss in assessing each other's stance and sometimes, values.

      3. To be honest, I think any number over 5 would affect my psyche … it's just natural … i don't want a female talking about love making with anybody before me, ESPECIALLY if it's my Lady or a woman i'm seriously thinking about making the next step with.

        For every year that a woman is single, i'd say it's acceptable if she slept with 4 guys including college (just a mental average and not scientifically studied at all). So i'll ask her how many years she's been single since being in college and then i start doing math. Granted it's not counting HS, but i'd safely say she made 3-4 moves in HS by default. I'd rather over-estimate than under-estimate any day.

        30 for a woman under 30 is garbage yes (i'd still be hardpressed calling her a heaux), but 30 for a woman under 40 isn't.

        1. Where do you get these unrealistic expectations from?

          "To be honest, I think any number over 5 would affect my psyche"

          I am amazed at the level of creativity in developing these elaborate equations to determine a womans acceptable body count. Then Yall wonder why some females lie to you, when you are lying to your own damn self to begin with. Times have changed and now women are considered hoes for doing a fraction of what men do on a regular basis. I swear this type of shyt only occurs with black men because other races are not concerned with this bs.

          I know many couples that have been married for over 30 years and are products of the Double Standards. Granted those times were different, but gender roles were clear as day. To those successful couple the DS was not a struggle it was a way of life. Women asked for gentlemen and men asked for ladies. The high level of comfortability we enjoy during this day and age, has led to a level of loss of self respect. Is crazy the number dudes here talking about girls are hoes bc of this and that when they fcking all types of girls, cheating on them, lying to them, and turning them into hoes and they judging them for what they have turned them into. Yall are something else! (Kevin Hart voice)

        2. I don't freely give out the heaux term as much as most guys, so don't take my post as a heaux tag. My post was prolly way more flexible in terms of numbers than most guys here. I wasn't speaking on how many guys a woman needs to be with to be considered a heaux, but more so to show that even tho i made that random azz "equation" at the end of the day it doesn't mean ish cuz i'd never ask and even if i did take my projection into account, it wouldn't bother me cuz it's expected.

          And if u don't think other races care about a woman's body count … Get Real!

          At the end of the day, the Double Standard is in this case in the man's favor … Ya ladies can't win all the double standards, let this one go and revel in the other ones.

        3. @Top5DOA

          Not a double standard, a different standard… And guys have all the reasons in the world to avoid women with high body counts…

          And I want to remind women of the "Apex Fallacy", a small number of men have high body counts… The regular dudes you see everyday are not those guys…

        4. Adonis, I didn't address it the first time you said it and I understand that you live in an alternate reality, but the rest of us live in a world where double standards are officially defined as follows:

          "a set of principles that applies differently and usually more rigorously to one group of people or circumstances than to another; especially : a code of morals that applies more severe standards of sexual behavior to women than to men"
          http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/double%

          Mmkay? Thanks.

        5. @NaijaSweetz

          So, I take it you believe that men and women are equals & should be treated as such… (egalitarianism)

          Cause then I can understand your point…

        6. My point is that you keep correcting people who are using terms appropriately. Get off that. Double standards are different standards; simple.

        7. Then people need to stop using "Double Standards" like it is a negative thing to do…

          And everytime a woman throws in how unfair this Standard is, she needs to give chivalry & male provider roles the same level of hate…

          That is MY point…

        8. @ Adonis men have you used the double standard to justify fcking around and asking for virgins. I am so over it.

          @ Top5 You should get real sweetie! As a Latina who has traveled all over Latin america and some parts of the Caribbean i can tell you Latinos dont care about that. Caribbean men do to a certain extent but no to the same level of African American Men. Or would you like to provide me with an elaborate make believe equation to prove otherwise, bc unless you are dating men you dont know what you are talking bout.

        9. @Ms. DDL

          I justify marrying near virgins for self preservation… & a chance at a long lasting marriage…

          if women are down with egaltarianism, there is no reason to marry or provide for a woman…

          I don't care for the so-called Se.xual DS, I just think women are full of ish, when they try to justify their wh0redom

  31. And let's be real here, just as women complain about men falling short of traditional standards……in 2011…..by traditional standards…..most women thest days are hoes……..by traditional stardards.

    But this is what we have to choose from so SUCK IT UP

  32. Great post, Dr. J!

    Body count matters to me. I can admit that. A high body count is the equivalent of carelessness and lack of discretion, in my mind. With that said, I've decided not to ask about body count anymore…cause I will totally judge a person based off the numbers. I want to feel like we've reached some special level…not like it's something you give out all willy nilly. But, I realize this is impractical since men handle chex differently.

    I've only experienced two messy situations. One started out as a mess and another uncovered a mess, lol…smh. Mess can def make you & your boo look reckless. You have to determine whether or not the relationship is worth dealing with the mess…depending on what the mess is (you don't want a recurring mess). You need to determine quickly whether or not the person is messy or if the situation is an isolated incident.

    Baggage is real and doable for me for as long as the baggage is neat and organized. Messy baggage takes its toll after a while…

    1. I couldn't agree with you more… But I have to agree with Dr. J here… I never ask about the past unless I feel that I am about to fall in love with her and then I would want to know what I'm getting myself into…

  33. All of these women railing about the so-called se.xual double standard, are wiling to pay for dates, be a provider in the household & willing to propose when they want marriage…

    If you want equality, make sure you go all the way with it…

    1. willing to propose when they want marriage…

      This right here is key. This is going to sound crass, but I don't know how else to put it so here goes. The fact is while women want to complain about men being able to sleep around with a high number of women while they are unfairly held to a higher standard, the reality is this: Men are the ones who have to buy the ring, get down and propose to the women they choose, so in that particular area, since the ball is in their court, they get to make the rule. Don't like the rules? Get out of the game. All the whining and complaining isn't going to change the bottom line. It's an area of life that favors men, just as dating in general favors women; they get to set the standard for the kind of men they date and sleep with, so men (as a rule) have to adjust to what women want. When it comes to the engagement/proposal thing, it clearly favors men, and since the situation favors men, why not get the best that available. To use an analogy, if there's a Cadillac at a car lot, and a man has the money to get it, can afford it, and wants it, then why get a Toyota with 200k miles on it or a Pinto if he wants a Cadillac and can get it?

  34. Technically all I really care about is her filthy azz bringing me a STD or even worst the Monsta…so if her AIDS/STD test is flawless then we can hit the sheets all day (and keep ya numbers to yaself, i dont wanna know!)

  35. Dr. J I approve this message….I think thats everyones biggest problem is knowing the fine line between "settling" and being too picky and looking for pure perfection.

    People need to talk to more married folks and see all the problems and issues they have…however it doesn't mean they aren't happy and everyone who is happy wouldn't trade being married for the world.

    At the end of the day they love having someone "there". As long as we live we will have trials, tribulations, stress, and strife…some much more than others….the only time we have no problems ever is when we're dead…real talk….Even the best of us have stuff that just happens sometimes.

    Folks need to be realistic and know not just what they want but what they need and get their priorties straight.

  36. "I think that’s where most people get themselves into trouble is by involving everyone in their decision to deal with someone." "…sometimes when you stop listening to other people you find something that may work out for you." And there you have it!

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