Who knows how he'll feel tomorrow.
I want a girl when I want a girl. And when I don’t want a girl, I want a girl that understands that. And that’s some hard sh*t to explain…
I was listenin’ to my ipod a few days ago when I heard Phonte from Little Brother (well, formerly Little Brother) spit this line on Slow It Down. I’d heard the song a few times before, but hadn’t felt inspired to write something based on it until then.
This line embodies what many men have felt over the years. Unfortunately, as Phonte indicated, it’s always been difficult to get women to understand the same thing. This may be selfish, but selfishness doesn’t negate reality. It’s actually good for you in the right dosage. Selfishness usually becomes a problem when both people wanna take their prescriptions at the same time. Somebody — usually the woman — ends up feeling the adverse effects anyway.
(I warn you now that I’m about to wander a little bit. Just think of it as organized chaos.)
Every decent dude with a decent personality doesn’t know how to (casually) date. And those dudes that don’t know how to date damn sure aren’t adept at jugglin’ multiple women beyond putting bedrooms on their calendars. What makes it tricky is that we watch some of our peers get heralded for their ability to bag and slay. We see and hear it via the media outlets. After all, isn’t that what men are supposed to do until they decide to get married? We also have a habit of taking our internal struggles and projecting them outward into the world (and on occasion into a chick which leads to all sorts of other problems) in the form of a nut. These aren’t justifications. They’re just observations that explain why a lot of people get hurt.
Some of us try to model the life we think we should be living instead of the life we’ve been given. We ignore certain details about ourselves because we think we can be better according to what a vacuum of society tells us. We do things we’re not built for, which I’ll talk about a little more below. And like I noted earlier, sometimes we’re just selfish. But when we learn who we are, we sometimes come to realizations:
Some men don’t like a ton of options. They like relationships…most of the time.
Everybody knows a guy that’s always in a relationship. He breaks up with his girlfriend of 4 years and then he’s with another chick 3 months later. That goes awry after a few months and then it’s someone else. The comfort of regular yssup is nice, but for these dudes it’s more than that. They’re terrified of being alone and not having a woman to depend on. So what do they do? They hop from relationship to relationship because they don’t know how to act without one. These types are also the most dangerous. They’ll take whatever they can get from an interim chick until they find another one to boo up.
Some men just aren’t good at following the rules.
I was telling a lady friend one day about a chick that hated my guts. It was a woman that I told early on and often that I wasn’t lookin’ for a relationship (Not the “Why wasn’t I good enough?” chick). After listenin’ to me explain how I treated her, she sighed and said “You didn’t follow the rules!”
Confusion took over my face. I’d done nothing but treat the chick well. We hung out at the crib, went out on adventures around the city, and cuddled up on occasion. I like that type of sh*t. Making women happy makes Slim happy. So for me, seeing her smile and enjoy herself while around me was enough to keep me satisfied. It didn’t need to go any further than that. And as I’ve learned the hard way, you can’t keep making a chick happy and not expect her to want more. And when I say happy here, I don’t just mean in the sheets. I mean that her life is generally better when she’s with you and her clothes are on. An orgasm ain’t nothin’ but some contractions and spillage of juices.
The inability to follow the rules doesn’t leave us with very many savory choices. We can A.) Be nonchalant and focus on just thronxing her B.) Treat her well over time and most likely hurt her when we leave or C.) become a monk. You may be thinking “What about D?!” Well, she’s gettin’ that with A. But seriously, D.) would be committing. And sometimes that’s really not an option. The bigger lesson here is that some men just aren’t built to be players or jugglers despite their credentials. Honestly, you can’t play the game if you can’t follow the rules.
Some men just want affection and companionship…when they want it.
We aren’t all coochie-hungry heathens. There are mornings when we wake up alone and wish we could feel the body heat and smell the shampoo of someone special. We want a woman there to tell us to “get out of bed and stop sleeping the day away” then jump on us when we refuse to move. We want someone to accompany us through our day and make us feel good. It’s nice to be out with a beautiful woman and get lost in conversation and playfulness. You don’t have to look to the nearest escort service to confirm this. However, affection always has a price.
But other times…
Yeah, we ain’t trying to be bothered. We want our space and the idea of having to check in with someone causes acid reflux. The summer is hot and we wanna be able to roll to the cool spot on the bed. We drop male in your box while thinking about finishing the shift and going home…to our own bed. You want us to be in the office full-time and we just wanna telecommute. And the sad part is that there’s nothing anybody can do to stop us from falling onto the more “unpleasant” side. We have to make that decision ourselves when we’re ready. This isn’t as much about maturity as it is self-awareness. And though I’m not at the point of wanting to find a woman to take a knee for, I know that I can’t continuously have the affection I sometimes crave without sacrifice. I guess I’ve gotten less selfish.
Hopefully this ramble makes sense. If it doesn’t, I tried. Looking forward to reading your thoughts in the comments. Let’s make it a good one.
Trick Leave…No! Baby stay!
"These types are also the most dangerous. They’ll take whatever they can get from an interim chick until they find another one to boo up." I think I was an interim chick…
I know of very few women who haven't been at some point.
What a cute avi! Don't know why I'm just now noticing it, but go on 'head girl.
Lol thanks Starita
what she said: cute avi
@Star
I am glad I am not the only person that sees this…
My best friend has just announced her wedding with a millionaire. They met via ) ==== cougarkissing_com ==== ( It's the best place to meet rich successful men & classy beautiful women. Our members include CEOs, pro athletes, doctors, lawyers, models, and celebrities….Maybe you can take a try.
Women are the same. We just express our moments of wanting affection/moments of wanting to be left alone differently.
I was thinking that too when I read the last section.
Thanks for saying that because some of y'all be fronting
At this point of my life I feel like being left alone more than I desire affection. In my experience, the men I have dealt with needed a lot of affirmation that I was still interested in them. It is wonderful to have someone to hang with, but catering to their feelings all the time gets old and I retreat.
I agree But when I want to be left alone They'll know.
I can't copy and paste for some reason, but that line about if you make a woman happy, she'll want more happiness………..effing DUH. I'll never understand why that's a hard concept for ya'll to grasp. We have fun, we laugh, we talk, we enjoy each other's chex and cuddle afterwards 4 nights a week…but you don't want a relationship? Brother, you're IN a relationship. Committing would only grant you further privileges…
There's gotta be a companion version of TWIsM's Duh B¡tch with this in it for the fellas.
AMEN SISTER!! I really don't understand how they can't grasp this or why they don't want more either!! if I make you happy then why don't you want to be with me!?!?!?!??!!?!?
Because it means we have to actually have a relationship and sometimes we don't want that..we don't necessarily wanna go to 10..we happy at 5..lol can't we just stay at 5 and be good?
no, not forever! At some point you need to ish or get off the pot, we can be good at 5 for a couple of months but then we need to upgrade!
Only if agreed upon at the beginning…
I guess its like slim stated "Some men just aren’t good at following the rules."..ideally you're correct Kriola, date for a couple of months then make it official..for some reason man logic doesn't synchronize up with that rule
Amen. I make no qualms that I'm looking for a committed relationship, if you're not, don't waste either of our time. I've got friends to kick it with, I want a man-of my own. That's why I'm dating your behind. You got 3 months (tops) to lock it down before I become a problem-ask the last guy. #FearTheEmo
You looking for a fling? Cool, go hit up a fling chick. I promise I'm not the one.
lol but who wants to stay stagnant like that? Holding hands is nice, but at some point people want to progress. After a while, I am going to need you to release my hand and meet the girls. Cavemen made fire. Somebody got tired of sitting in the dark and cold while eating raw meat. Also, if you know you don't want to go to 10 or don't see that person as someone worth going to 10 with, why even bother? Seems like a waste of time to me.
Lol, right?! Try that "I'm happy at a 5" mess with chex, see how they do. Looking like the boys in The Wood getting carpal tunnel.
@MissMina
Depends…
If I don't want a disgruntled employee to move up, I give her the pink slip, and hire another entry level worker…
It is a recession homie…
Loved your analogy
Yo, "Why we can't just stay at 5 and be good?" This right here homey … I felt that in my soul.
@SD: "Because it means we have to actually have a relationship and sometimes we don’t want that..we don’t necessarily wanna go to 10..we happy at 5..lol can’t we just stay at 5 and be good?"
What he said. That boy GOOD.
But in all seriousness, this is why it needs to be communicated upfront the expectations of both parties. And if we dont see eye to eye, one or both of us needs to part ways. None of this "I'm going to change him/her" crap. Be out, ASAP.
If you have no say or motivation to make your dating relationships succeed what makes you think you'll be able to make a serious commitment succeed? Or a marriage? Both have responsibilities, all this finger pointing and "it's his/her responsibility" is a mute point.
WHY do women need a time frame on errr damn thing????? ya clock is really ticking like that?
(most) men don't have clocks, we have stages..the stages lead us up to commitment..and ya lil 90day rule won't make the cut..if anything its going to buy that guy time to see where the next stage is before he fully commits to you #manlaws
You better believe it *tick, tick, tick*
Naw, for real, it's not a 90 day thing, it's a "d@mn, I really like this cat and I could see him in my future, so if he's not with my program I better knock this playing house and enjoying each other's company ish out before I'm too in love (read:.dyckmatized iJoke kinda.) to think straight" thing. We're not trying to lock you down, we're trying to protect ourselves.
cause why would a woman sit around twiddling her thumbs waiting on the off chance that a man MIGHT make a commitment and want to be with her and only her? most men know if they want to be with a woman long term and if he doesnt. Him playing this "i'm not ready" game is bs because he knows if he wants her or if he doesn't. It's not a timeframe thing. Basically if he's taking so long to make a commitment, he just doesn't really want her and that's how most women feel.
But you never said stages or implied any kind of possible commitment… you said "We don’t necessarily wanna go to 10.." and "lol can’t we just stay at 5 and be good?" No one disputed that fact that there are stages/numbers between 0-10. I have no problem going through stages. I just don't want to sit and stagnate at 5 and "be good."
Very honest answer ladies, I can respect where yall coming from. gotta protect that heart, can't be mad at that.
I agree with you Bim, honestly I wouldn't stay at a stagnate 5 and expect you to be ok with that for a long period of time. The more I get to know you and like you, the further up the stages scale we go.
PS I usually exclude sex in the process, it matters but it kinda doesn't
The fundamental differences between men and women never cease to intrigue/frighten/baffle me. Nonetheless I have developed a little method to help bridge the communication gap. I try to form analogies between woman feelings and logical things that men can identiy with (money, sports, chex,etc)
Relative to this discussion I'd challenge the fellas to think of it like a job. Asking us to be content to stay at 5 is like asking you to remain at an entry level positionn indefinitely. It's like you're proving yourself as a worthy employee, you're getting great performance reviews so you know your boss is pleased, you're even throwing in little tricks to make yourself stand out from the rest. Yet your boss wishes you'd just "stay in that position" indefinitely with no word on if or when a promotion may be coming. o_O Would you be ok with that?
@SD Women need a time frame because they have to draw the line somewhere! If not yall would turn 3months into 3years and no one got time to be doing non-committed relationships for that long. Men do not want the commitment because it means accountability. I dont even think that word is in yall vocabulary to be honest. You want to play house and be able to leave whenever you want to, and hide behind that "well I told you i didnt want a relationship" crap.
So if a woman has any self value or even cares about her heart, she needs to make decisions because if yall could have it your way, she would be on the sidelines forever waiting and hoping that one day you decide to commit. I am not saying that it needs to be 3 months, but after a year of talking to someone or even 6 months you should know if you will commit to them or not. If you are not going to commit it is unfair to string them along, just let ppl know so they can move on and find their happy ending. And no we cant be friends. 🙂
Dulce is onto something…
Sorry bro, but i'm an advocate for some type of time frame. You go back and read Bitch is the New Black. She's talking about a guy she's been on and off again with for 8 years. I'm like, "if you want to know why you're 32 and single, it's probably because you've been dating a guy on and off for 8 years, as a ridiculous as that sounds."
A chick can rock out with a dude way too long.
"Men do not want the commitment because it means accountability."
*Lowers head in shame*
@DDL "And no we can't be friends."
That's what I preach. I can't stand a dude who lets me walk out of his life and then have the nerve to keep calling me. Leave me the eff alone. I'm not your friend. You're no longer allowed to talk to me or touch me. You have no place in my life anymore.
Some women have a "time limit" thing but I've never subscribed to that. My clock starts ticking when you start having the same expectations of me that you would have of a girlfriend. When you get mad becuase you don't know where I'm at or that I made other plans without just assumming that I was going to be spending the weekend with you… then we need to go ahead and have a conversation.
I think being "in a relationship" is as simple as just acknowledging that things are what they are.
A guy I was supposed to be casually dating once told me that he didn't want to be in a relationship because he didn't want to have to answer to anybody. I told him that made NO sense… because he already WAS answering to me, whether he wanted to or not. He HAD to answer to me anyway in order to keep me around. So I really feel like he was just in denial about the reality of the situation.
We can't be friends tho?? I hate walking away from situations like that and blocking them off forever. I mean essentially they didn't do anything intentionally evil they were just indecisive. My friends say that I have issues cause I like to stay friends with my exes, I just don't like to leave lookin like a bitter beezy, we don't have to be BFFs but I'll say hi to you and
that ugly girl you're withyour new girl without bitterness in my heart.@Kriola I like to stay friends with exes too but sometimes I need some time before that can happen.
LMAOOO @ "I’ll say hi to you and that ugly girl you’re with your new girl without bitterness in my heart."
@MissMina: I like the analogy since it accurately demonstrates how women view the situation. On the flip side, taking that same analogy, men are already in a position they enjoy. They're damn near CEO. They get all the pay, vacation days, health plans and fringe benefits of CEO so why would they need the title of CEO if they're already getting everything the CEO gets without the responsibility? So, I guess what I'm saying is, if you dont want the man getting comfortable and acting like the CEO, take away all those benefits you're already giving him and see how he reacts. He may apply for that position or, as many of you fear, he may go looking for another job with a different company.
ugh I keep clicking but it wont let me like ^ comment
"So, I guess what I’m saying is, if you dont want the man getting comfortable and acting like the CEO, take away all those benefits you’re already giving him and see how he reacts."
THIS! Whatever the repercussions, you'd be better off than being stuck in neutral.
Standing ovation to the ladies for holding down this thread! LOVED your responses!
And a special (((hug))) to the fellas…cause y'all weren't trying to make whack excuses for why things play out the way they do, lol.
Idk i think WIM just gave an excellent analogy as well.
My entry-level position gets helly CEO privileges with the exception of a bonus or 2. Why take on the extra responsibility of actually being a CEO as WIM said?
Thanks Top. I mean if I'm an Administrative Assistant and I'm making CEO money? I think I'm going to stay at Admin. lol Especially if I see all the stress and added pressures the CEO has to face?
No thanks.
Not to mention every chance the CEOs (my boys) get he's in my face warning me "you dont want this life man! If I was still single…."WIMs analogy is great…and it's not a whack excuse for why things play out the way they do. It's a reality check, for real. The fellas aren't acting oblivious to what's happening on either side…hug worthy stuff right here…cause, sometimes, y'all play dumb with the quickness, lol. Like y'all don't understand your part in how we got caught up.
Really great dialogue here! 🙂
Great pic CO, so purty!
Aww, thx Krys! It's hard to pick a cool pic when that joint is being reduced to the size of a nickel. I wish I had y'alls sizing skills, lol…
Well said!
You can't do all the things you would do in a relationship, then wonder why the woman hates you once you decide it's time to bounce. Both sexes need to learn to reserve some things FOR relationship, not in hopes of or in replace of.
Kind of sort of,
I feel like dating is practice for a relationship, I mean if you don’t know how to show affection with someone you like, I’m sure you won’t be able to do it with a girlfriend. A lot of women keep saying reserve special treatment for a relationship but I don’t understand how you would even know if he could be a candidate for a relationship if he's not , Taking you out, taking with you, laughing with you, enjoying each other’s company. It's all about setting up boundaries that are comfortable for both of you.
I'll agree with you on this to an extent. There comes a point in time when enough is enough. If it's not doing it for you, with continued time and attention, then move on. Or stop. I agree you need practice, but if it takes you 2 years with the same person you're not a good athlete.
"We have fun, we laugh, we talk, we enjoy each other’s chex and cuddle afterwards 4 nights a week…but you don’t want a relationship? Brother, you’re IN a relationship."
Preach, Star!!!!
Just because you don't want to acknowledge what it is, doesn't mean that it isn't what it is…
We have fun, we laugh, we talk, we enjoy each other’s chex and cuddle afterwards 4 nights a week…but you don’t want a relationship? Brother, you’re IN a relationship.”
Preach, Star!!!!
Just because you don’t want to acknowledge what it is, doesn’t mean that it isn’t what it is…
@Thereluctantsocialite
I don’t think the problem is acknowledgement itself but how the relationship is being label. He sees it as a casual relationship; she sees it as something that needs to be a serious relationship.
Naw… because he only sees it as casual when it benefits him. Let him find out that I'm running around with a bunch of different dudes, "exploring my options" and "keeping things casual". Most men will lose interest REAL quick…
"Naw… because he only sees it as casual when it benefits him. Let him find out that I’m running around with a bunch of different dudes, “exploring my options” and “keeping things casual”. Most men will lose interest REAL quick…"
If he loses interest then it wasn't meant to be I suppose. Maybe I'm different, but when I first meet someone and we're kicking it I always assume that they didn't just crawl from under a rock and are also going out on dates with other men…I mean I find her attractive, so others probably do as well. And I have NO problem with that. Why should I? Now, I understand that's not the case all the time, but I will always assume that from an expectation management stand point. To me the goal in developing the relationship is stealing time away from those other dudes she's exploring options with and casualing dating and me wanting to spend less time with other women (assuming I'm exploring options, also)…eventually there comes a point where both parties may just want to exclusively be with one another and put a label on it…the disconnect is that one half of the party ALWAYS gets there before the other half, lol. How long will the person wait for the other to catch up…if ever…is the bottleneck of relationship stage progression.
"To me the goal in developing the relationship is stealing time away from those other dudes she’s exploring options with and casualing dating and me wanting to spend less time with other women (assuming I’m exploring options, also)…eventually there comes a point where both parties may just want to exclusively be with one another and put a label on it…the disconnect is that one half of the party ALWAYS gets there before the other half, lol. How long will the person wait for the other to catch up…if ever…is the bottleneck of relationship stage progression."
Gatdammit Larry … All of this!!!!!
Larry: "eventually there comes a point where both parties may just want to exclusively be with one another and put a label on it…the disconnect is that one half of the party ALWAYS gets there before the other half, lol. How long will the person wait for the other to catch up…if ever…is the bottleneck of relationship stage progression."
And there it is. For some reason, people think when things aren't progressing as they like, there is something wrong with the other person. That other person is selfish, immature, stagnant, whatever. But what about all those other people who loved you more than you loved them, whose hearts you broke by turning them down, breaking up with them, left hanging on a string, etc?
@Thereluctantsocialite: “Naw… because he only sees it as casual when it benefits him. Let him find out that I’m running around with a bunch of different dudes, “exploring my options” and “keeping things casual”. Most men will lose interest REAL quick…”
Question…if a man who is not interested in pursuing you or having the type of relationship you want loses interest….ummmm who cares? Is that a win? Yall didnt have the same goals anyway so what does it matter if he leaves?
@WIM:
I wasn't intending to say that anyone should care… I was really just trying to point out the double standard there and the fact that I just don't believe that casual relationships are all that casual.
In my experience, when a guy says he wants to keep things casual, he means that he wants to take you out, introduce you to all his friends, have you around all the time, expects emotional support from you… many of the things that he would expect from a girlfriend. Except he wants you to provide him with all those thing with the understanding that he'll still get to do what he wants to do. And on top of all that… he expects loyalty from you.
Bottom line, its my experience that guys that are looking for a casual relationship, really don't want it to be casual. They really want a serious relationship with none of the responsibilities.
But like I said, thats my experience. I don't personally know any guys that are okay with a girl that they casually date also freely dating other guys.
I can't believe I missed this…
"eventually there comes a point where both parties may just want to exclusively be with one another and put a label on it…the disconnect is that one half of the party ALWAYS gets there before the other half, lol. How long will the person wait for the other to catch up…if ever…is the bottleneck of relationship stage progression."
OMG this is SO TRUE!
@Adonis We gotta get your analogy game up babe. In the referenced scenario there are no disgruntled employees. There's a happy employee who's doing a great job and wants to be promoted (woman.) And a happy employer who's happy with said employee, but just doesn't feel like promoting her (man.)
@WIM I feel you. Its a pretty selfish perspective no doubt because only one party's feelings are being taken into account here, nonetheless its absolutely real talk. Many (not all) men are selfish. They are first concerned about what benefits them, and women are (usually) more likely to be concerned about both parties' feelings. The problem is the man's needs always end up recieving more attention.
Thats why to be honest with you I think before a lady accepts male into her *ahem* fe-malebox (you won with that play on words Slim! LOL) I always think she should really know the character and intentions of her maleman as much as possible. In my experience once dude realizes the post office is closed, ish gets REAL. (Yea I know OD'd on the mail thing but I had fun!)
I see you tried to trick a brotha into agreeing with you @MissMina cuz I was nodding my head and ready to put money into the collection plate until you said: "Many (not all) men are selfish. They are first concerned about what benefits them, and women are (usually) more likely to be concerned about both parties’ feelings. The problem is the man’s needs always end up recieving more attention."
Now, I agree "many (not all) men are selfish" but I would expand that to include people. People are selfish. That's human nature – to look out for your own best interest. And honestly, there's nothing wrong with that, even if it's not ideal. No one is going to look out for you like you will.
Where I'm going to have to disagree is with "women are (usually) more likely to be concerned about both parties’ feelings." Women tend to be more in tune with their feelings by the very nature of being a woman. That's true. But to imply women are less selfish is inaccurate in this instance because you want the man to commit and he does not. That's selfish on your part. You want a certain goal and because he doesnt align with your view/goal HE becomes the selfish party? No, we simply have different viewpoints. The man, in this case, wants a relationship with no strings attached and you want strings. Neither party is in the wrong, you're just pursuing your own (selfish) ends and he is pursuing his (selfish) ends – note: if both goals aligned there would be no issue and neither party would be "selfish." See, a man could just as easily say it's selfish of you, the woman, to want him to honor an agreement he didnt agree to in the first place.
I agree with your last sentence, "The problem is the man’s needs always end up recieving more attention" but that's not because men are more selfish it's because women tend to be more passive and let men dictate their relationships as if they are not equally effected by his decisions. For the record, I find this to be a very poor strategy yet it is followed by the majority of women.
I also co-sign your last paragraph and, from the woman's perspective, I can see why this would make sense. I'm honestly not sure why more women do not employ such a strategy. But, such is life.
Here is the thing. Experience has taught me that no mtter how much fun you have together and no matter how good the chex (I'm new here. Why don't we just say sex?) is, if a man says he is not ready for a relationship, really listen to him and behave accordingly…. As in move on if you are looking for a commitment. A woman cannot blame that man for her unhappiness thereafter. If she chooses to continue to make herself available after he communicates that, and gets too comfortable with him she will end up breaking her own heart. Women know that the more time they spend with a person in a semi-monogamous situation the harder it is to break away so why continuously set yourself up?
Depending on the mood of the filter, sometimes typing s e x will get your comment sent to moderation. Also words like that on a site can cause it to be categorized as smut and blocked from peoples work computers.
Welcome 🙂
The last two types of men (the no rule following ones and the want it when they want it ones) seem to be the only ones that I've been attracting as of late and it is beginning to wear on me. Its good when its good and its so effin frustrating when its not! I don't know if you were trying to provide excuses or just facts or whatever but I really don't think guys fully understand the mental anguish that they cause when they do these types of things and act this type of way. Its not fair to be selfish and act any which way you want to when you are hurting someone who cares about you, even though you may not have bad intentions.
I typically enjoy your posts Slim, but I just can't get with this one. You can't want me when you want me and don't want me when you don't…..just pick one or the other because you are fcuking with my mind!
Appreciate the thoughts regardless.
This is why SBM.org loves Kriola because you can respectfully disagree. Wait until some people get on here hooting and hollering about why Slim is a bad man, and they don't mean that in no nice type of way. Just some thoughts from Streetz post yesterday and others we've written.
@Dr. J
Complete & Utter Co-Sign… Kriola even handled me well…
Yeah I remember that … Adonis you came off a bit jerkish with her and she remained cool … Definitely took note of that.
@Kriola
As far as this topic is concerned, we're not excusing these types of behaviors, but more so giving insight into how certain guys act. Disagreeing with the behavior is natural, because they aren't really redeeming qualities, but don't disagree with the notion/thought/reality because it's the truth and it may prevent you from writing it off and denying the fact that it happens.
@Top5DOA
Don't get me wrong, I am VERY unapologetic about the way I handled Kriola, however give credit where credit is due… I am the same way with Max… (But I love Max more)
SSTTE
Top5DOA hit the nail on the head with the purpose of the post. Thanks homie.
oh I definitely don't deny the reality of it I am far far too familiar with it. After sleeping on it I am glad that Slim gave me more insight on the mindset of this type of man……this behavior just grinds my gears ……and thanx for the compliments 🙂
It seems that she agrees with putting the men in three different boxes. However, maybe she wishes we didnt have to
I think Slim hit on the fact that we as people can just be selfish. There may not be any maliciousness in it, it just is. I agree with you, I like it and don't support it. What I do support is honestly. If more men were honest up front about what they want, and women accepted their honesty and didn't try to change them, the world would be a happier place.
In all, I'm with you though. Appreciate the post, just underscores my frustration with men and dating in general. I've had my share of those you mentioned as well.
"You can’t want me when you want me and don’t want me when you don’t…..just pick one or the other because you are fcuking with my mind!"
THIS SHYT RIGHT HERRREEEEE NIGG***********
Couldnt have said it better myself!!!!!!!
@Kriola: "I typically enjoy your posts Slim, but I just can’t get with this one. You can’t want me when you want me and don’t want me when you don’t…..just pick one or the other because you are fcuking with my mind!"
I empathize with your pain BUT if Slim is honest with you up front that he doesnt want more than wanting you when he feels like wanting you, then he's really not "fcuking with [your] mind" at that point. If that's the case, when Slim comes around, no offense Slim-dog-millionaire, but you need to tell Slim to kick rocks because you want and deserve more than that. If you dont, then you are just as guilty as him.
As R. Kelly would scream off-key, "REAL TALK!"
yeah I may have had some displaced frustration last night and glossed over that "upfront" part…..I was referring to those that are all "Kriola you're so great, I feel so comfortable with you, I don't just chex everyone only girls I actually like" and then when you ask them the dreaded "where is this going" question all they can say is "I like you more than a friend but we aren't dating right now, i don't know I haven't really thought about it" …..keep it real! thell me whats really good so I can go or stay!!! I don't think the last type of guy he explained is that upfront tho.
all serious. how many times has this happen to each women? I need a flat out number….
B/C i feel like just b/c it happens to every woman ONCE doesn't mean men are out here hitting and ducking.
I must co-sign this.
We gotta stop waiting stuff out and take these guy's word for it at the jump. Most dudes are at least partially honest about this up front…disclosing enough to let us know that its quite possible that nothing good can come from it…and we need to let them walk.
lawdy I think I may be falling in like with wim – shamelessly so; I appreciate men who actually speak the truth regardless of whether or not it benefits the entire male population.
"I empathize with your pain BUT if Slim is honest with you up front that he doesnt want more than wanting you when he feels like wanting you, then he’s really not “fcuking with [your] mind” at that point. If that’s the case, when Slim comes around, no offense Slim-dog-millionaire, but you need to tell Slim to kick rocks because you want and deserve more than that. If you dont, then you are just as guilty as him"
Really men cannot be blamed for all of women's woes, at some point we need to start taking responsibility for our own emotional and psychological well-being.
If you cant get with this post, thats because it is truly a "singleblackmale" article! Its not a feel good type one that men should expect women to 'like' or accept. This jawn might be the truest ish he done ever wrote….!
Good Morning Slim,
Life is good, I was just coming from the store thinking to myself
"An unintended consequence of not being able to consistently get beats is being childless"
And childless in my book means FREEDOM…. For the most part, I am an introvert & a lover of solitude… I am not single by choice, because if the stars to align and I don't have a problem with being in an One Sided Open Relationship <DEL> (Although, I have no idea how I am going to function in one, I love my comfort zone) </DEL>… #OffThat
The bigger lesson here is that some men just aren’t built to be players or jugglers despite their credentials.
Correction: MOST men are not built to be players & jugglers REGARDLESS of their credentials, presently, I am one of those men… (although I have a High S3x Drive ) To juggle women means you have to be honest & have a STRONG FRAME… I am just not there yet… But it is something I want to strive for being that the price of poon is a rock bottom prices…
Some men just aren’t good at following the rules.
This is a huge point, when you treat a woman well, you raise expectations… That is why you verbalized what you want from her, and be consistent with that… If you want to string her along, but don't want to commit, just keep slaying her in bed, and reiterate your non-commitment… Genius
Slim, you will always have women screaming to lock you down cause you are (PAUSE) an attractive SingleBlackMale.org (Pause 2x), and you have a bounty on your head… But keep operating in your best interests…
Super Saiyan To The End
The only stores open in NY at 1AM are in the Meat Packing District, you need to be safe broseph.
"There are some pauses one can never recover from." < — Back pocket that advice.
@Dr. J
Noted.
Laughing really loudly at my desk right now….
Lmaooooo … smh
My Tiggos (Pippen) to Azz (Jordan) analogy pales in comparison to what you just said Adonis, but aye I guess you seen the Pauses coming.
"This is a huge point, when you treat a woman well, you raise expectations… That is why you verbalized what you want from her, and be consistent with that… If you want to string her along, but don’t want to commit, just keep slaying her in bed, and reiterate your non-commitment… Genius"
Very Key!!!!
@Top5DOA
Ouch… Ok… You got a point!
bwahahahahaha…. I peep the subs in that one..
Dont forget bodegaS!
real talk.
NYC is always open for business.
I thought this was the city that never sleeps. Doc J just turned us into the city of Johns.
Women hate to hear stuff like this. But keep telling us. Maybe one day we'll start paying attention.
I DONT KNOW NO KEONA!!!!
I'm sorry, I know you hear that 1,000 times a day. Its one of my fav catch phrases theaux!
I've never heard that before in my life. Lol where is it from?
the movie Belly. DMX was cheating on Taral Hicks with Keona.
Really!?! Ha ha ha…I'm with Streetz, I woulda thought you get this every now and again. I know I think about it sometimes when I see your posts, ta ha ha.
But yeah, Reecie is correct. Belly is the movie. As an aside I liked Taral Hicks character in "A Bronx Tale". I jokingly use "the test" on every first date I go on to my utter amusement.
How with auto locks?
I fail that test always because you should have automatic locks. 🙂
But I remember it back in the day
Oh yea I remember the chick being named Keona. First time I'd ever heard my name when it wasn't addressing me. But I don't remember that line, I must have been in middle school when that movie came out.
I like you Keona, let's not eff it up with you braggin on how young you are…
😉
LOL @ Starita. Well I just looked it up & it came out when I was like 13. But I'm not that young, I'm 25 (although WIM is convinced that I'm 16). But that movie came out when I had the biggest Jr. High crush on Nas.
😉
@Starita
Modern day, the etiquette has replaced the unlocking of door to now reaching over from the passenger seat and opening his door. Not all the way obviously, but propping it open enough to show the gesture.
Oh.
<–Etiquette school dropout.
I'll reach across and do that when a dude doesn't have auto locks (which just happened last week), but if you've got auto locks, I'm buckling my belt and fixing my dress before he gets in.
@Starita
I'm telling you…even when buddy has auto locks try reaching over and propping open his door just to see his reaction before buckling your seatbelt. #ItsTheLittleThings If anything it's a good converation starter when he asks you why you did that and then you can go into The Bronx Tale movie/explanation, etc… 🙂 You're Welcome 😉
how's this still an effective test when the whole world already knows the right answer?
Because it let’s him know you thought enough of him to do it. Of course he knows where it’s from; but he will still be flattered all the same.
I completely understand this concept. Sometimes I really don't want to be bothered but somehow that has translated into me being that chic who is ruining perfectly good guys by being noncommittal. Yes it may be selfish, I can own that, but if I don't look after my own happiness who will.
The only thing anyone can ever really ask is that you be honest. Yes, someone might get their feelings hurt, but pain reminds you that you aren't dead yet (or so I heard, just can't remember where).
Completly agree as long as everyone is aware of the situation then its all good. Just because you have a good time with someone does'nt mean you should be in a committed relatinship with them. Just beacuse he di%ks you down, takes you out to eat and tells a great joke does'nt mean yall are suppose to live happily ever after, it just means that man has personality and is a grown ass man. Sometime it's just better to enjoy the moment. Not saying you if you want a committed relationship settle for this but dont throw it to the trash either. Learn how to enjoy Mr. Right now while you look for Mr. Right.
"Learn how to enjoy Mr. Right now while you look for Mr. Right."
Enjoying Mr Right now can prohibit you from meeting Mr. Right. You end up wasting years 'enjoying' something thats never going to be yours. If you know you want more… require more. And it may not be with him.
But see when I say right now I mean the temporary, just because you enjoying Mr. Right now don’t mean you can’t keep looking for Mr. Right. But I see what you’re saying some people don’t know how to differentiate the two and end up keeping Mr. Right now for 3 years instead of 3 months
Well sir, your name says it all, Slim….slim thoughts as well. I am sorry to discredit your "work" but its far from the truth. This is exactly the type of writing that hinders many from dating AA men. Stop putting men in a box or stereotyping them. Every man is different and one will never know how one feels inside nor does behind closed doors. Stop generalizing!!!!!!! I am woman and I have never been with any of the men examples stated above!!! Anyway, i hope you do better.
While I don't like the mindset that is presented on this post I don't think that it is as outlandish as you make it seem. I have met plenty men that think like this and plenty that don't. There is no need to personally attack Slim just because you don't agree with what he is saying. If this type of writing hinders you from dating Black men then you clearly haven't met many and you don't have the ability to think for yourself. I would never let something that is stated in a blog deter me from dating a whole race of men, thats just silly.
@Kriola
I would never let something that is stated in a blog deter me from dating a whole race of men, thats just silly
I think blogs should have that kind of influence, influence is Morally Neutral But in this case, I don't see the connection… She is just using Slim as a vehicle for doing what she wanted to do anyway….
Women are VERY CLEAR (I repeat VERY CLEAR ) about exercising their inalienable rights, but will turn around & complain about MEN exercising their inalienable rights…
Not only I need to call out that type of hypocrisy, I appreciate that you do as well
@Mahi
I am so pro-BW dating Non-Black Men that you guys NEED me as your spokeperson… We need less women checking for American Black Men, not more, there is not enough of us, to go around 🙂
SSTTE
@Mahi
My sweetheart, glad to have you here…
A Man’s Opinion Doesn’t Matter to Women Until It Does 🙂
It is women like yourself that give me eternal life on these blogs… I am honored to be at your <DEL> unsolicited </DEL> service
Enjoy
SSTTE
"This is exactly the type of writing that hinders many from dating AA men. Stop putting men in a box or stereotyping them. Every man is different…"
What you've said here is contradictory. Your first sentence lumps AA men together and then in your second, you go on about not putting men in a box and not being stereotypical. You got one thing right though, all men are different. Therefore how can you read Slim's post and then go off on this one man's post hindering many from dating AA men?
!!!! I thought the SAME thing. Thanks to you and Kriola for handling this with class, iCant today.
I am going to have to disagree with @mahi. This post is not too far fetch from reality. There are alot of men who think like this, and they come from every race and or creed. So please dont be fooled. Why dont you contribute something more interesting and or entertaining to the discussion instead of your negative energy. Maybe you should come back after you masturbate sweetie! 🙂
First @Ms Dulce comes to me talking about how she is down with egalitarianism…
Now, she is telling a chick to come back after she finishes painting her nails…
I think I have found my soulmate :-D…
I am going to be entertained today!
I am just saying, maybe she will be in a better mood after that :-)!
"Maybe you should come back after you masturbate sweetie! "
maybe you should grab a flip cam and show her how…
And just like that I find the perfect example of why we love Kriola and hate crazy ass b*tches.
Can thoughts be slim though? I feel like she was stretching on that one. What's the opposite of a slim thought? A chunky thought? We'll try to write stuff with chunkier thoughts going forward. In the mean time, step your troll game up … we've seen much better.
On the floor crying at "chunky thoughts." LMAO.
Too funny! I'm over here thinking chunky thoughts!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A&fe…
LMAO! For real tho? I love it!
ummm i don't think this post is that far from the truth for a lot of men. african american or not.
Slim thoughts? Im crying!
Black Thought > Slim Thoughts
first hip hop cosign I have ever given to Streetz.
Clearly didn't read the blog from yesterday.
" I am woman and I have never been with any of the men examples stated above!!! "
I get where you're coming from, however, I beg to differ. Now, unless you've only dated 1 guy in your life and married him, you have probably dated each and every one of these men at some point in your life. You just didn't KNOW it. They are not the most honest creatures walking this earth. Most are not going to lay it out the way Slim did. Obviously he can't speak for all men. But I'm sure he's known quite a few to make some general consensus amongst his peers. So whether you trust or not, is your own opinion. This is, only a BLOG.
Last post was @Mahi
lol come on people, why exactly are y'all harassing Mahi? She's entitled to her opinions; yes, she could have done a better job of expressing them without being acerbic, but it's very possible that such men aren't prevalent in her circle hence the need to be protective of them.
Aiight I gotta get some sleep but Slim this right here:
"We aren’t all coochie-hungry heathens. There are mornings when we wake up alone and wish we could feel the body heat and smell the shampoo of someone special."
Couldn't have worded it better. Well said.
I so shouldn't comment – Maybe I will later this morning. I can just say I so get it!
Since I'm deep in this college life, I'm always bombarded with these guys who are on their 'i dont want a relationship' steeze and i can't even blame em! If alot of girls will still give up whatever to them without even having to commit to them then that's on the girl. Girls just have to be real with themselves and decide if they can really handle spending quality and intimate time with a man without him being all HERS completely. I know I can't that's why I don't even entertain guys who don't even want to THINK about the possibility of a relationship like at all. I'm just wasting his time cause his goals are way different than me. I just have to align myself with guys who have the same mindset as me, at a particular time, but that's so difficult to acquire nowadays. Siiiigh!
@Porscha
I love that, and I believe you will get what you want out of men because you at least drew a line in the sand…
Why thank you
Decent, committed college relationships are hard to come by these days. Happy hunting tho.
oh I'm well aware. That's why I've remained single and I'll be outta there in one year. Just the experience of knowing that most guys in college don't want relationships just made me hold on to my convictions more stronger and know when to hold em and fold em. When a relationships happens it'll happen
I just graduated this May. Never had a relationship in college. On the one hand I feel like I should have had a serious relationship by now because for some reason I feel like I'm supposed to have had that experience. On the other hand, 95% of the relationships I saw on campus were so dysfunctional and everyone was running around like this was normal. I think I saved myself the drama and tears by avoiding all of that
@lioness
I co-sign all of this. Even though I'm wanting to be in a relationship, all my friends are CONSTANTLY telling me that 'girl you do not want this relationship life" and telling me how stressful and blah, blah, blah, blah. I will say not having a guy has made me stronger in my college aspirations so I didn't fall in the "got a man, now i'm hardly going to class" like a lot of my friends end up doing. I do think I should have the experience but I'm at a point now where I know it ain't my time so I'm just doing me. Great points!
Just my two cents, take it or leave it. But I do want to let you know that meeting people after college becomes a major obstacle. Spoiler alert: grown up living is really just a lot of going to and from work and paying endless bills-and you're not supposed to date folks at the job-IF you're lucky enough to have a decent coworker to pick from. Maybe you don't get in a serious relationship in college, but keep your eye out for good men and develop a rapport with them, keep the door open, pay attention. Never again will you have such a great supply of men in your constant vicinity, with somewhat similar life goals, somewhat similar age, and easy, easy, constant, easy access. College is a smorgasbord, and you're pushing away because it's all very overwhelming, but trust, when you're out here in the real world starving you're going to wish you'd stuffed a roll or something up in your pocket.
/end unsolicited advice
@starita
I definitely see where you are coming from! Hmm….. now you got me thinking lol
@Starita
#cosign x100
this is exactly what I decided to do. I'll be keeping tabs through facebook lol
ha!! Starita's post had me giggling because yep, it is the truth. I'm yet to find that abundant supply of hot guys like there was in undergrad or business school, BUT I also admire your approach Porsha; there's absofrigginlutely no point in messing with men who have vastly differently goals than you do. Keep your convictions for they'll keep you sane and more importantly – not bitter or cynical.
as someone far removed from college let me just say having a committed relationship during those 4 years is not the norm. it happens, yes but– wait I won't be a pessimist on how/if it lasts. I'd say just have fun, use your discretion to who you allow your time. don't lower your standards you may find someone on the same page as you are. I know its easier said than done.
most definitely. I'm not just sitting in the house because I'd rather be in a relationship. I definitely date A LOT I just don't spend endless amounts of time on someone who would rather be single and out here having 50-11 females lol. i still have my fun though.
This shyt really hits home tonight! But since I have been drinking I will drop my sound and sober comments tomorrow. For now I will say, men do shyt to make women fall in love and want more, then pretend like they have no idea why women want more. Is baffling to me that they really pretend like they dont know wtf is going on.
exactly!
Mayb I'd say ok to these types of 'games' if this was high school or college, but after 25 there needs to be some accountability…seriously lol
*ding, ding, ding*
"For now I will say, men do shyt to make women fall in love and want more, then pretend like they have no idea why women want more. Is baffling to me that they really pretend like they dont know wtf is going on."
Agreed, but we ALSO do ish to make ya dislike/hate/have 2nd thoughts about us. So while in the process of
locking a man downdating, women tend to exaggerate the positive things a fellow does and minimize or mentally deny the negative things a fellow does. If women kept a decent balance you'd prolly be more of sound mind. It's interesting how that paradigm shifts in a relationship, where the negatives are now exaggerated and the positives are minimized.And ya wonder why we aren't so pro-relationship. It changes everything. Dating a woman can be fun and exciting, but once the relationship title is involved, she becomes more possessive, controlling, serious (generally speaking), critical, etc. And as a disclaimer, of course that's not every woman, but adopting at least one of those characteristics has been the norm from my experience and others.
I agree with you to a certain level…….
"If women kept a decent balance you’d prolly be more of sound mind. It’s interesting how that paradigm shifts in a relationship, where the negatives are now exaggerated and the positives are minimized."
there might be some truth to this! However it doesnt justify the behavior. But it does provide somewhat of an explanation. So thank you!
"I agree with you to a certain level……."
I love this line …For sh*ts and giggles, where don't we agree?
But yeah, i see a lot of women preaching how whether the guy wants to admit it or not, he's already in a relationship. Yes, we're in a surface-level relationship. But we know good and well that women aren't as consistent as ya would like us to believe as i stated in the paradigm shift above. I guarantee that if ya transitioned better from dating to a relationship and didn't mentally shift gears completely, guys wouldn't be so up in arms about moving into that next phase. That blind sided feeling is scary as hell and i can only imagine the relationship to marriage transition. We don't want to feel like after the title, we're now involved with a different person.
For every action or foreseen action, there's an equal reaction. It takes a lot of faith in a woman for a guy to know the potential title hazards of being in a relationship and still make that leap. Personally, i applaud these men because the unknown shouldn't scare us as much as it does.
LMAOOOO @ Shyts and giggles
I think sometimes women miss those signals because they are so subtle. Is tough to make the distinction from what you think, and what you live. So while I may or may not think that he is doing some funny business, I know he is making me happy. I think both parties change when the title drops, and they should because the relationship is not on the same level anymore. I just wished it was for the better, so they can become a stronger couple. But unfortunately, like you said often the turns are for the worst.
Overall I agree with you on this topic, yesterday…hmm not so much lol
Hey if our signals are subtle, ya's signals are just as subtle, but for some reason i don't believe either of our signals are subtle. Personally, i think women change more post relationship than men do, but agreed both change thereafter.
And yesterday I was MONEY … As much as ya won't want to admit it, but yeah i don't think I made any errors in my logic or perspective yesterday. If so, just thumbs down the comment that u don't agree with and then i'll know (I just looked at yesterday and i didn't get any thumbs down on any comment) which one u took exception to, although i can prolly guess.
" If women kept a decent balance you’d prolly be more of sound mind."
you're absolutely right, but being dickmatized kinda hinders sound mind. I'M JUST BEING HONEST!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"women tend to exaggerate the positive things a fellow does and minimize or mentally deny the negative things a fellow does. If women kept a decent balance you’d prolly be more of sound mind. It’s interesting how that paradigm shifts in a relationship, where the negatives are now exaggerated and the positives are minimized."
'Agreed, but we ALSO do ish to make ya dislike/hate/have 2nd thoughts about us. So while in the process of locking a man down dating, women tend to exaggerate the positive things a fellow does and minimize or mentally deny the negative things a fellow does. If women kept a decent balance you’d prolly be more of sound mind."
I can agree with this. Having balance in any situation is key. Easier said than done… but needed, for sure.
"men do shyt to make women fall in love and want more, then pretend like they have no idea why women want more."
Cosign!!!
Like Slim said, sometimes he just likes making a woman happy. I guess I don't get why a guy would want to put in so much effort to make a woman happy but then not want anything more. Slim (or some of the other guys)… maybe you can answer that for me. What are you getting out of just making a woman happy???
I guess I just don't understand because I just don't date guys that I have no real interest in. I have no desire to put effort into trying to make a man happy that I don't see a future with…
My like button isn't working sooooo
X __________________________________
*scribbles emphatic signature above*
My like button isnt working either 🙁
Thought it was just me
I don't know about any of the other guys, but I love having a woman in my presence. And if that woman is in your presence, in order to keep her there, you need to make sure she's happy otherwise she'll navigate to another man's presence. If i can consistently make a woman happy without any extraneous expectations, responsibilities or accountability then i'll continue to get my side of it, which is a happy woman in my presence who is willing to equally (or close to it) make me happy. Pretty much everything she'd be on in a relationship (aside from the 1 or 2 things she holds out on) minus the label woes. So guys are willing to sacrifice those few extra relationship benefits for a woman that isn't using her relationship/marriage-type expectations, responsibilities, accountability.
"If i can consistently make a woman happy without any extraneous expectations, responsibilities or accountability then i’ll continue to get my side of it, which is a happy woman in my presence who is willing to equally (or close to it) make me happy."
Okay… so I understand this. But honestly (because I really don't know), how often do guys really find a relationship like this??? And… would you mind if she was seeing other guys the same time that she's seeing you?
To be honest, I think this is why I suck at dating in general. I tend to find one person that I'm into and stick with them… no matter how serious the relationship is. I don't do well with trying to juggle more than one guy. I've tried dating more than one person at a time before and I felt like my brain was going to explode…lol. I was completely overwhelmed…
Absolutely and even when dating multiples, there's always one I "really like". The others are just to keep me from jumpin in headfirst with the one I like guy-and they never last more than a couple weeks… *smh*
<–Failure at multitasking
@reluctantsocialite
*This aint ish you want to hear*
ALL THE TIME … But generally it has a life cycle and dies around 3 months (go figure) to 6 months and then we move on to the next. More than not that woman isn't thee only one though, so it never becomes a head over heels type thing.
Would i mind if she sees other guys? I've been asked a few times while talking to a chick if it's okay for her to hangout with another guy and every time i say "Look, we aren't in a relationship, you are free to do whatever it is you want to do… You're a grown azz single woman, so by all means…". To be honest, in these scenarios I want the woman to hang out with other guys that means she isn't checking for me ALL THE TIME and it actually tends to extend out the life cycle.
@Star
I hear that from women all the time .. smh
THank you for your honesty! You gave me a lot to think about..great insight into how men think…
"ALL THE TIME … But generally it has a life cycle and dies around 3 months (go figure) to 6 months and then we move on to the next."
Okay… but then are you really consistantly making her happy? And at what point do you stop caring if she "navigate to another man’s presence"?
Honestly… it just seems like a lot of work. I don't understand why you don't just put all the work you're putting into making the 3 month chick happy into a woman that you could see future with? I guess this is the part that I don't get…
lol @Top, my bad I'm a monogamist and faithful, lol
:-p
@reluctant
Of course her being happy tends to wane a bit as time goes on and she senses apprehension. And I stop caring about whether she navigates somewhere else the moment I stop caring about whether she's happy or not.
Honestly… it just seems like a lot of work. I don’t understand why you don’t just put all the work you’re putting into making the 3 month chick happy into a woman that you could see future with? I guess this is the part that I don’t get…
Because we gotta find that woman first and there isn't an overabundance of them
without kidsthat i feel complements me. Trust me, i just turned 26 Sunday … I'd love to put in work for a woman that i see a future with.@Star …. Understandable
@Top5DOA:
"Of course her being happy tends to wane a bit as time goes on and she senses apprehension. And I stop caring about whether she navigates somewhere else the moment I stop caring about whether she’s happy or not."
Okay, don't kill me but this is my chick logic in response to what you said. To me… having the desire to make a woman happy for 3 to 6 months (which to me seems like a short amount of time) seems to be less about the enjoying her happiness and more about knowing that making her happy is a means to an end to get what you want.
I'm not saying that its wrong or unreasonable for men to want some affection outside of a committed relationship. And I'm not saying that you're wrong for the way you feel or that you feeling this way makes you a bad person. I think I just have an issue with the idea of purposely bringing temporary people into my intimate life in general. I don't really understand the concept.
It just seems very stressful to me to get intimately involved with someone knowing good and well that you have no intention of putting the work in to try and make it last. I mean of course I've gotten into relationships that didn't last… but my intentions were never short term. Part of that may just be my introversion though. I tend to be pretty private, I keep my circle small and don't like having people coming in and out of my life.
Anyway, even though I don't really like it… I completely understand where you're coming from. Thanks for answering my questions. 🙂
Hmm, i think you and I actually had the abbreviated version of this convo back on that "Why Wasn't I Good Enough" post.
Either way, I can understand where you are coming from but im sure you understand how counterproductive to someone's life/feelings all of this can be, whether a person is honest and upfront about where they fall in the spectrum or not. There are very few people (men and women alike) that want to play the role of warm body/interim chick/placeholder until something better comes along or i just get tired of your presence.
Maybe I'm different, but as I try to grow everyday into being a strong black man, I only find myself wanting a strong black woman by my side even more. I notice that I have made much too many immature and erroneous mistakes when dealing with women and probably have ruined my chance with a black queen just because I was young and foolish and felt like another queen was lined up around the corner.
Well, god willing, I will run into a great, smart and independent woman and do things the RIGHT way this time and treat her the same way I demand a man to treat my little daughter.
I actually agree. I think a lot of people are gonna gloss over the word "learned" in the post. I thought part of what writing is about is the ability to capture your thoughts from the past in the present? That was rhetorical.
I'd like to have an awesome black wife too. You know, the stuff that dreams are made of.
I agree with both comments. Unfortunately, whether men/women like it or not, we have to go through some relationships – and some will suffer as a result, as we grow as men/women. If that were not true, we would all marry our first love…..but how often does that happen?
I saw this post as a "coming of age" story, so to speak. The different categories representing different phases/mindsets that men go through
and some never grow out of.Everyone cant be winners.
I never really found that phonte line to be all that profound. I feel this way within all my relationships with people, platonic and romantic, alike. I think most people need that alone time to stay sane.
"I think most people need that alone time to stay sane."
Especially introverts…
problem is that is the most quoted phonte line of all time…….
which leaves me to believe that he is an overrated rapper.
This is the first hip-hop related comment that you've made that made me raise an eyebrow. Phonte is the man. That whole Minstel Show album is the ish.
he's not overrated. there are others. Cheekz I feel like I need you on twitter. or at least gchat. we could be discussing these things real time 🙂
if I had you on G-chat I would just constantly send you dirty txt in an pathetic attempt to get some @ss.
I'll add g-chat to my droid though. But I wouldn't know how to look you up.
Anyway @Hugh @Reecie.
See my dude feel the same way and I know Phonte doesn't get much mainstream love. But when I am around you and Reecie, and over at VSB, Phonte is like the only rapper y'all talk about. He is not that good. Hardly technically sound, not that great of singer, his best metaphors are relatable but I don't lose sleep over them. No multi, No double entendres. His content is popular amongst blogging people, but his actually rapping skill is smedium and Big Pooh is flat out bad.
You like the Listening? I thought 9th carried that whole album. Get Back he did step it up though, not going to lie. I think the next generation of rappers who are influenced by him are way superior rappers. Drake, Wale, Blu, Pac Div, j Cole are all huge Little Brother fans too.
Ya want some rappers to check out:
Kendrick Lamar, Von Pea, Shad K, eLZhi, Clear Soul Forces, The 58's, Fly Union, Little Vic, One Be Lo, 8ThW1, Reks, Tanya Morgan, Thaione Davis,
elZhi still got the album of the year, mixtape or retail.
Eff your throne.
@ CHeeKZ: I'm not much of a Big Pooh fan; he's servicable in a duo, but I don't think I can listen to a whole album of just him. Phonte is the truth. You must be confusing me with someone else though, because I can't remember the last time I mentioned his name. I also can't comment on what goes on an VSB, because I don't read the site, much less comment.
I can't agree on the no double entendres. But he's more of an artist that can rap about real situations better than most rather than just spitting out a bunch of metaphors like Wayne and Drake (who really force it at times).
Granted, I've been pretty bored with hip-hop lately, so I don't know many of the new cats out there now. I'll have to check out Top5's list, Elzhi from Slum Village is the only person on the list I've even heard of. Although Elzhi outshined Phonte on Hiding Place, so maybe CHeeKZ, you have a point. I think it's more from the fact that people have been biggin him up than him on the blogs than him being overrated.
Also, you'll get no argument from me on 9th Wonder. That dude can carry almost any rapper sound at least decent.
Good post Slim, I think society largely ignores the existence of these type of men. They make men into two dimensional creatures, you are either a player or a nice guy. They dont realize that even men are multidimensional. I ve been in all three categories at some point or the other. Sometimes you just want a relationship, other times you don't follow the rules and sometimes you want affection. People seem to forget that all human beings are inherently selfish, we want what we want when we want and how we want it other times we dont want it at all. Since society glorifies the player, i think men that dont act to this type or the nice guy type are really doing this subconsciously. So the fact that you are the interim chick doesnt mean he intended for you to be. The fact that you felt he was leading you on (not following the rules), doesnt mean he intended to. He might have just wanted someone to hang with (ladies do this all the time, aka the friend zone), other times he doesnt want affection. Go figure. Its a bittersweet symphony, thats life!
*sings* "Trying to make ends meet, trying to find some money then you die"…am I the only one that knows that song???
but anyway, One of my favorite quotes from an unknown author is, "the path to hell is laid with good intentions."
that quote is actually one of my favorites, in life. I reference it often to check myself.
I feeling this post slim, by the way. Hmm okay this is how I see it…just bein real. This is more or less how us guys feel, give or take. But most of slim realizations means men fall into 3 categories: realtionship material, hanging on the fence or when it suits me type. For some men, they realize that what ever category he falls in, that's just what he is no more no less you can't change him accept it or not. But I will add a couple more: The other part of the little brother song is he remembers how his uncles and his dad dealt with women,so more than likely men follow that blueprint. Secondly, a lot of men pump fake commitment because they know it's not about us, it's about her, and sometimes anything past level 5 is her playing field…
Great additions. The last part about the fake is very true and not something I considered when writing this post.
Great points. Side note: I dont think I've ever heard this song, unless I just dont know the words off-hand. I will say this because it needs to be said…
The same man will fall into different categories with different women. He may be looking to be a "relationship material" with one woman, "hanging on the fence" with another and the "suits me type" with another, which is why it's critical for women to know their role in his head, too. And get out of there if she doesnt like it. Chances are if you are in the hanging on the fence and suits me roles you will not be upgrading to relationship material with that particular man. Cut your losses and move on to the next one.
Just sayin…
"which is why it’s critical for women to know their role in his head"
And get out of there if she doesnt like it.
"Chances are if you are in the hanging on the fence and suits me roles you will not be upgrading to relationship material with that particular man"
Uhh Hmmm.. good advice, but it's not like men will come out and tell you this vital piece of information — Him keeping you around until something better comes along or you just being his rehearsal chick until he's ready to have a real relationship. Who Does That??!!! I know I wouldn't say anything.
Here's the thing, even if he doesnt say it, if he is not making you his girlfriend/fiance/wife………guess what.
It's funny a lot of women are advocating that "actions speak louder than words" up and down these threads but the one action that matters you are choosing to BLATANTLY ignore he has not made a commitment to you. I mean if that does not speak volumes, I dont know what else will.
Results > Intentions
The use of the Little Brother line… it makes my heart squeal. It was my status (back when AIM was popular) for at least a month. I'm already loving this post.
Anyways- I don't think this concept is necessarily a foreign one to women either. I used to joke with my friends that I wanted a part-time boyfriend. Someone I could be "committed" to one weekend a month, who lived in some other state. All my guy friends told me it was a horrible idea and I couldn't just toy with a guy like that. Most of my girlfriends thought it sounded like a great idea lol.
I think the issue with the "want it when i want its" is that even if both people agree at time A it's a good idea things change along the road just as any relationship does. I may meet you in July when I don't have time for anything and don't mind just kicking it with you occasionally and being separate the rest of the time. However when things start to slow down and we've been hanging out more often and I feel good around you all the time- you're right….I'm going to want to continue feeling good. Endorphins are a drug!
If only there was an emergency escape clause to these things….
That last paragraph though >
Morning folks, due to the flood in my apt I have been up since 5:30am to try to get the water back in my house. I have a interview today and I hope I can get this taken care off as soon as possible…does anyone know a good plummer in nyc? anyways…..
On to the post,
I know to the male specie "words speak louder than actions" but to the rest of the world "Actions speak louder than words". You dont get the promotion at work because you said you want the promotion, you get it because you proved to be deserving of it, with hard work and shyt. For every action there is a reaction, and although we (men and women) are from two different planets I think we both can agree on that. So with that being said, if you are constantly investing time and money in anything thats called a relationship. We do it with family, friends, and mates. Men love being in relationships just as much if not more than women do. They just dont like being in COMMITTED relationships. They seem to think they always want something else, and the minute you give it to them, they realize how much they DONT need or want it. On the other hand, some men (as i have read here) have a set of goals they want to achieve before committing and if you fall for them before these goals are achieved, well lets just say you wont be part of the happy ending. I just ask that men please be real, you cant be making me happy and taking the shyt away from me, because that will make me unhappy. Is like taking food from babies, and thats just wrong. 🙂 besos and have a great day folks!
Dulce — I can lay pipe if that's what you need. But i'm not good with cleaning up after.
Thank you Dr. J for the offer but I need help with the clean up……lol
Guy has a house party. At that house party he has two love interests one chick just finds him sexy and wants to smash and another chick who wants to be his wife and mother of his kids and is therefore not interested in smashing right away. As the house party is winding down, house is a mess. iSmash ain't tryna do no cleaning, she just wants to thronx. WannaBeWifey would love to stay and help clean up. Who does the guy invite to stay? iSmash of course! You discreetly send iSmash to the bedroom while saying goodbye to everyone else. And you tell WannaBeWifey that you'll call her in the morning. When iSmash leaves, you call WannaBeWifey and when shes like, what are you doing, you hit her with the 'Just tryna clean up a little, place is a mess. Had a great time though, really glad you made it.' She's gonna be like "want some help?"
And therein lies the difference between men and women. Dr. Jay just offered to fix 50% of your problem. If he does that, you're not all the way home, but at least you're half way there. Then you can just call some other n*gga to clean up. But nah, yall gotta get greedy, yall gotta find a n*gga to lay the pipe and clean up afterwards.
Most is golden son.
@Most
Lol interesting analogy but I have to disagree. It's not about being greedy as much as it is about being efficient if you will. Who doesn't love a one-stop-shop lol?
OH MOST!
You know what's crazy Most is that women do this too. They hit homeboy with the "I'm really tired, i'll see you in the morning." They let Dexter lay the pipe. Then their man comes over the next day to clean up the mess which involves "Say Yes to the Dress" and napping on the futon. I feel bad for the women who have to break off their man the next day too. Nothing makes a girl feel better than two dudes in 24 hours.
Meanwhile, men still being hated on for pulling hat tricks.
@Most….why can't she be both an WannabeWifeyandiSmash, does it not work that way??? we can't clean then smash, smash then clean??? If i've been cleaning for the past three parties can't we smash already! This stirs up another source of my frustration, if you are on again off again that means the Kriola ain't gettin it on the regular and I don't like to mix milks sooooo that just means that i'm waiting for you to "want me" again and that leads to Krazy Kriola #noKappa. Seriously, a constant dose of vitamin D keeps the crazy at bay.
@kriola
The thing is the girl he likes will eventually become both. But he doesn't want to pressure her, it just sucks for the other girl (if that's not what she's looking for) but hey everyone can't win
@Kriola I was just using that analogy to speak to Dulce relative to Dr. Jay's offer. Ideally, you want someone who's gonna do both, but I mean… if there's offer on the table, at least stop the flood.
Ideally both is always better but if you can't have your cake and eat it too, don't throw the cake a way… man up and make a choice… nah mean?
@MsDulceDeLeche : "I know to the male specie “words speak louder than actions” but to the rest of the world “Actions speak louder than words”.
I know no man that thinks "words speak louder than actions" lol I do know men that think "if I say it, I mean it" or in the vein of Scarface " All I have in this world is my balls and my word."
With that said, I'll just co-sign Most's analogy because it was real as hell.
I actually think men speak way louder with our actions than we do with our words. If our actions say, we enjoy the time together, but we equally enjoy the time a part, and we couldn't enjoy the time together without having the time apart… believe us!
To all you worried souls, the plummer is here fixing my house!
Fellas, we really are from different planets. Mayb one day we can figure out a universal language. In the mean time there is #SBMDOTORG to provide a medium for discussion!
Plumber huh? Eaux!!!!!
hardly ever comment but I couldn't help myself with this one….
Had I read this a few months ago, I would've been on the women's side but Slim, I feel you 100%. I think it depends on both the type of person you are and where you are in your life. I have naturally always been the "I want what I want when I want it" type of gal and though it has gotten me into trouble on numerous occasions, it speaks to the core of who I was and still am (lowering my head in shame…slightly).
Reason why I say that it depends on the type of person you are is because not only have I slept with dudes who I knew were in relationships but I've never been "faithful" to anyone, whether casually or exclusively dating them…always suffered from "but I still want him (or her)" syndrome. Recently just stopped dating a guy who wanted a relationship from me, had to nix that situation for many reasons. First being that I'm at a career standstill so I wouldn't be entirely focused on him or the relationship. Second being that he was the guy who didn't like a lot of options and I wasn't quite sure if he liked me, the idea of me or the idea of being in a relationship with the idea of me. Third being that I was still into many other people and my feelings for him weren't strong enough (at that point) to make a genuine commitment to him. Though he didn't like the end result, he had to respect my honesty which is where I think many of us women (myself included in the past) fall. We don't want to hear when a guy tells us this even though most of the time he told us from the beginning whether subtle or blatant, verbal or actions. Most of the time, he's not stringing us along, we just think that we will turn into the one who will change his mind but most of the time it has nothing to do with that…it has everything to do with timing. Had this last dude found me about a year ago, I probably would've wifed him because that's where my mind was at the time but right now, I want what I want when I want it. Only issue with that is, instead of my honesty being respected and appreciated, I'm labeled a hoe or "someone who acts like a dude"…..yes, last guy said this verbatim.
Ms.Smith FTW
You said EVERYTHING I wanted to say – thus really no need for me to comment.
That's why ^^^ I said I so get it!
Glad you came out the woodworks to drop this comment.
"We don’t want to hear when a guy tells us this even though most of the time he told us from the beginning whether subtle or blatant, verbal or actions. Most of the time, he’s not stringing us along, we just think that we will turn into the one who will change his mind but most of the time it has nothing to do with that…it has everything to do with timing."
Exactly.
wow…sometimes the truth hurts but u can still make amends..hope you can reread ur comment and learn from it.
Ladies please consult Ms. Smith if you have any additional issues with what the fellas are saying.
This is a very Pisces moment for you slim.
I see you.
This whole post falls under the Luxury Tax Code of The Book of Jackson.
There are things we have to put up with in order to maintain a standard of living. Me and my boys used to always joke with younger and new cats that you have to maintain on the "females" in your life. By females, we was talking about those females that you call when your boys are in town or you thinking about getting a table at the club. You can't just call them females up last minute talking about, "Yo you free for tonight?" You have to maintain on that, or there won't be no females to hang out with on the cloudy days.
Same thing with the women you talk to. You can't just have them when you want. A single man always got a couple jawns flying around. He not sure what to do with them just yet. (Actually he is, he just don't want to admit it.) He has to maintain on that girl. Now if you are perfectly happy with releasing full custody of that woman, then fine. You can have a girl when you want a girl. But if you want to keep any type of custody agreement with that woman, you have to maintain on it. And sometimes that means ultimatums must be given.
A lot of this go to the Ladder Theory. There's women who you get and still you don't change your hustle. Then there's women you get and you stop everything you doing for them. Now the thing is, women want the latter, but they need the former.
I think sometimes women are afraid of letting go of immediate "happiness" or atleast what it seems to be like happiness. So we stick around in hopes that shyt will get better and we would get the status. However thats the wrong thing to do, I have dealt with some selfish muddasockas and one thing I learnt is that I am entitled to getting what I want. If I know what I can offer and my value as a woman, I shouldnt have to lower my standards for a man if they are REASONABLE. So my advice is ladies if you are dealing with a man and he dont want to commit, you need to decide if he is worth the wait. Not everyone is and maybe you should let his ass go so he can get what he wants. He will come back, they always come back http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/07/07/the-rea… ….. Dont forget that you need to make YOU happy and the first step to happiness is always the hardest. Dr. J you and I deft see eye to eye on this issue!
I'm not sure I agree 100% on that, sometimes I just want to win! I think Dr. J mentioned this on his blog, women want to win, we want you to want us just so we can say "ha! I knew you wanted to be in a relationship with me all along!" I know my worth and if I like you sometimes that means that I'm sticking around until you know it too! I acknowledge that this isn't the best idea in the world but sometimes thats the mindset that I'm in, but in my experience they always come to the realization that you were amazing when you don't even care anymore.
I am finding that this is very true about alot of men..it's so frustrating. This is why my new a plan of attack..is to keep my legs closed until I get some type of committment..I do better all the way around when I am not s*xing the guy..he can act indifferent or unsure about what he wants..but, he can sure go and find his beats elsewhere..I will date you, we can kick it and all of that good stuff…but, you will not put me into a fwb situation..and I think essentially that is what Slim is talking about here…..
Women we do it to ourselves…these men pretty much tell us upfront what they don't want..and we think we can change their mind..or our s*x will be so amazing..it will make him want something more…it usually doesn't happen…..we end up frustrated and bitter, this is why we have to have our own rules and standards already in place…and don't settle for what you don't want.
^^^^^ THIS!
booooooooooooooooooooo lolol
lol! Poor you streetz…imagine if every woman had this kind of awakening.
Woot Woot! I'm with you, my friend… Let's kick it, but no panties. He's happy and I'm happy. I done with the BS.
Slim, you guys have been using great song titles and lyrics this wekl.. My main man Phontigga might be the most underrated MC out right now. …. Takes a moment of silence fo the demise of Little Brother.
I can understand where most of the women are coming from on here and no woman wants to be held in limbo. I get that totally, but what's the point of being in a relationship if there isn't any real future. I read someone who said they have a three month rule for the dude to make the relationship a committed one. My question is what's the point of being in a committed relationship that has no chance of progressing to the next step? Aren't you wasting just as much time being with me with the knowledge I'll probably never want to marry you? Wouldn't you rather me be upfront and honest about things. I enjoy your company we are cool together but right now for ______ reason I can't commit.I don't see how having the title of being committed changes anything because eventually the relationship will end the same. I just think past the ago of 25 BF/GF titles mean nothing. If neither party sees marriage potential, and that's what they want, then why waste time being BF and GF.
I think dudes have alot of vaild reasons for not wanting to be in a relationship. I know after break ups I've just wanted to be alone and focus on myself.Whoever, you still want that female companionship, and the rules create a Catch 22 situation. I mean if you Treat Em Right Chubb Rock style there is a great chance as Slim pointed out she'll want more, especially if you meet her criteria for a mate. What's a dude supposed to do? As Phonte also said "And the other side of bed gets cold you don't want to be alone." We need that female companionship but we can't treat her to where she catches feelings? Now that's a man's dilemna in my opinion
Sometimes it really feels like it's more harmful to treat some chicks well than to treat them…well, like something else. The dilemma is very real.
IT IS! Learn that! Preach it! If you're anything more than an ain't ish man and I'm anywhere near considering a relationship, I will fall for you if everything is gravy. Treat these women with some authenticity. If you only want her for chex, why are you bringing her around your boys? If you only want her to cuddle with, why are you sharing with her your hopes for the future? We bond through that ish.
"If you only want her for chex, why are you bringing her around your boys? If you only want her to cuddle with, why are you sharing with her your hopes for the future? We bond through that ish."
THIS!!!!!!!!!
True @ Slim. No one expects much from the @sshole, yet he still gets the same perks with none of the responsibility. Using the job analogy from above though, no one expects much from the lazy co-worker in the team either. I guess its all relative.
Talk to em'…i don't think they heard this man! *drops cool hundred*
This is SO true. I dated a a**hole after my last relationship ended. I loosely use the term "date" here: I felt like he was obligated to feed me if I was "feeding" him. But I never lost a minute of sleep thinking about his fine a**. I never shed a tear & never wasted any of my anger on him. He was an a**hole & I never expected him to be anything more. The "good" guys create expectations & then hurt you when they no longer want to fulfill those expectations.
But in all fairness, the a**hole never really treated me badly. He just didn't put me on the pedestal that I've grown accustomed to.
I swear! I swear!! It's not that women "like" the a-hole it's that we have no expectations of them, so they never disappoint us. Like I said below – date THIS chick when you don't want anything serious. The girl that has no expectations of you. She doesn't want you, you don't want her, you're both content to stay at a 5, no one's feelings get involved, everyone is happy.
Expectations are a B!TCH! You know that horrible feeling you get in your gut when your parent's tell you that you've disappointed them? That's cause they love you and have high expectations of you. We have similar expectations of the men we love and are considering for the lifelong role of head of our household.
@ starita, so what's my motivation for bein a gentlemen(natural by the way) when bein an ass yields the same result. All men women deal with at least sexual wise, should be held to the same standard regardless of his character, because guess who has to be your skycap,pick up your bags, take you through the terrorists detector, load the bags, and fly the damn plane….the guys like me….sorry that is an excuse to be um "loose" lol
That's where we deal in different currencies…see, you see that I'm (hypothetically) chexin the @sshole and you feel like he's winning. But I feel like you (the gentleman) are winning by getting my time, my affection, my support, and possibly a piece of my future (which will certainly include some chexing of your own).
I'm not loose by any reasonable person's standards, but I have dealt with an asshole before because it was easier. Giving of yourself the way that I give of myself in a relationship can be exhausting, especially when it's not reciprocated. Women have needs too, and I'm not just talking chex.
Again, not saying it's right, saying I understand it.
And in the end, for all of us – our motivation to be true to our morals and what comes natural to us should be self respect. Simple as that. It's no one else's responsibility to "make" you be a lady or a gentleman. Integrity is integrity all day, every day and it has to be self imposed.
@Mix, there's really no easy answer. Just be honest the whole time. Completely honest; don't give hints & then act confused when she didn't grasp it. We're grown women though & we have to take responsibility for our own actions & emotions, but that's no excuse for you to take advantage of us.
Ya lucky Adonis is nowhere in this discussion cuz he always goes H.A.M. from a "be an asshole to blaze these ladies" standpoint.
I consider myself lucky to be in any conversation not involving Adonis.
But to that point, there's a-hole and then there's idiot. Idiots get no play, none. Not everyone can play the a-hole role. Stay in your lane.
@Starita34
Maxim: In their s3xual primes women’s attraction for a$$holes is at its strongest.
No need for you to respond, but I know you read…
BTW you are out of that key demographic of women who LOVE spectacular a$$hole behavior (18-30), then after that maybe women will subscribe to nice, corny men (not on Max's post )
Most men who do take that leap from nice guy to a-hole, at the very least get much better response from women in general… It is undeniable… It is clumsy at first, but the body makes the proper adjustment after lots of practice…
@Top5DOA Life & these blogs confirm what I believe EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
But I don't expect everyone to agree with me & my thinking, but I do expect the older people to at least understand how I might have arrive ato these conclusions….
So when it comes to men being cruel to women, I am all for it… They are subconsciously begging for it…
SSTTE
@Top5DOA
Nice Guys
iCant, I am a sucker for corny music
@ starita I wasn't trying to imply you are "loose" I meant that more in a general term so I meant no disrespect…i am gentleman because that is my personality regardless and I do it for me first.i don't lie to women because it causes a bigger headache in the end. I don't have problem with a woman's choice in sexual partners…i only have a problem with it when someone's bad decision falls on my shoulders… A woman might get pregnant by the jerk and this the part where i'm suppose to put on my cape because you expect more of me if that's the case I would rather just take tye p*ssy and jet…i wouldn't do that per se but that's how I would feel because your time,support ands etc would most times be bitter all t takes is one guy to screw it up
No offense taken, you don't know me, I could very well be loose.
I'd be upset if I were dating a woman and she became pregnant with another man's baby as well. That's totally understandable. I don't think anyone is disputing that. I think that our solutions differ however. My solution is that I'd prefer that you just provide me with a commitment so that I don't even require the services of the plumber. Whereas men seem to be suggesting that women simply don't "get caught up"…I think the female's chexual needs are often glossed over.
And if he's not interested in a long term relationship with me, after I've stated that that is my intention with him, let me be. ::period::
I feel like this Adonis dude is a googlebot. This can't be real life.
Thanks @scalabrinewiththej
*giggles*
I always refer to this phenomenon as the "salad bar approach".
This is where a man looks at everything that encompasses a woman and picks out what he wants like "yes…I'll take two t!tties, and yeah I'll have a bit of that dirty mind. Oooh that undying adoration looks good, let me get some of that. But oh; those expectations, they look like they might upset my stomach, I'm going to pass on those…"
And so on until he's availing himself of the parts of the woman that make him feel good and leaving behind all the parts that require him to do anything other than feed himself.
I always hated salad bar men until I became one.
@QueenT @Max
@MsDulceDeLeche you are everywhere today, so I will put my reply right here…
All this, is the collateral damage of the s*xual revolution.. The most attractive of men can just sit back & wait, do a cost-benefit analysis, take what they want, and replace you if you give any ultimatums… As @Starita34 said, it a buyer's market & women allow men to get away with highway robbery (paraphrasing it)
I just can't see women putting what @MsDulceDeLeche & @QueenT propose because of the scarcity of males like @Slim… Once a woman gets her hands on an attractive dude, she will put herself through hell to keep him…
Women in general are just not that disciplined in the face of the men that they are attracted to
& keep in mind, I have even listed all of the variables that further knock your plans of getting a commitment…
SSTTE
There you go with with "scarcity of males" crap. I don't really buy all the way into that notion…..and just because a dude is attractive that isn't going to "make me go thru hell to keep him" it takes more then a pretty face for me……and to your other point…I am quite disciplined…I was celibate for three years off of my divorce..it's nothing for me…listen, I am a little bit older then you so I will tell you….the older you get the less BS you are willing to put up with…trust and believe that. After 40 you don't have a whole lot of time to waste with someone who is not giving you what you want….and I don't mind being replaced….just as he will go on to the next..so will I.
“make me go thru hell to keep him” it takes more then a pretty face for me……
QueenT I am so with you on that but let's not sit here and act as if we haven't seen this kind of scenario played out in the streets whether through our girlfriends or a female family member, sheeeeeeit I know I have.
@QueenT
"Scarcity of ATTRACTIVE males"
At least the older women are more willing to tolerate a beta male, so you have that to your advantage… And of course, you are the exception…
Most women are too emotional & undiscliplined to get what they want out of their love life…
I'm not a fan of tossing salad.
@Malik
OMG I literally LOL at this…HAAAAAAAAAAAAA. damn.
You're young yet Malik. Give yourself time and you may be singing a different song.
+1
I've warmed up to the idea of doing it if asked. Certainly not something I'd plunge into without be coaxed first however.
Max and Reecie I see yall….
Malik, first rule of salad tossing – don't talk about salad tossing.
"We don't need prayer in schools. We need the tossed salad man in school. That will straighten the kids out. Hey Jimmy, you know you got a D. You know what you got to do? Noooo… I don't want to toss salad!"
Tell em!!!!
*smh*
LOL!! One of my all time favorite stand ups is that Chris Rock: Bring the Pain, lol.
"You can't smoke crack at McDonald's and get your job back!" lol!!
Well put.
Max just blew my mind.
Slim, thank you… I feel like I've been wandering trying to find answers and placing the blame on myself, because that's the only common denominator that I can control. Had to stop myself from blazing this dude up after walking right past me TWICE and not saying anything to acknowledge my presence…but I digress. I forget who wrote the post on SBM.org but you can't compel closure.
The line that got me : "I know that I can’t continuously have the affection I sometimes crave without sacrifice."
At least you acknowledge that "affection has a price" and are working on it…
Take this post, email it to every black man you know… tell them to work on it to and stop leaving us women desolate.
I guess the adverse can be said as well… we (women) have to stop giving everything away for free. Lot's to ponder here… good post!
thats the thing, its a buyers market. Unfortunately what you wont do the next will do, for less.
I've been all three…at one point i was in back to back to back to back relationships as if they were taking numbers. Eventually it dawned on me that i didnt need to commit, once they loved me they wasnt going anywhere and i can still reap the benefit. Alas tin man grew a heart and decided to stop mindfcuking these women. So now, i want what i want. I'm straightforward about it and if you can get with that, shorty come get with me (c) Miguel. A few women are the same with me, and i'm hip to her intentions. We dont take each other seriously and no one gets hurt.
"once they loved me they wasnt going anywhere and i can still reap the benefit"
But to me, this is the exact problem =/ you get to reap the benefit and she gets to torture herself. It'd be better if both parties just made a clean getaway from the situation. Honestly, knowing that a woman will do anything for you and keeping her around is more of a mindfcuk then what you were doing before lol. Because at least in a relationship, the rules are clear until it ends. However, I completely understand that this is a part of the whole "selfish" notion, so I guess either one of two things would be the way to go.
1. You care about her enough to not string her along even though you know you can get her to bend to your every need
2. She loves herself enough to let it go.
Also: We dont take each other seriously and no one gets hurt. #famouslieswomentell
So can men please wear some kind of sign so we know which category to you belong to? Something like a scarlet letter? I just think it would make shyt easier for all of us.
Only if women walk around with a sign saying if their crazy
Oh that's easy to tell: if she's a woman, she's crazy (by majority definition).
That wouldnt work Ms Dulce… the woman were're with at the time determines if were ready to settle down or not. Ive told several women that i was messing with that i wasnt the relationship type when in reality i just didnt want to be in a relationship with them. If a man has a female in his life that he truely likes on all levels it would be silly for him not to make it official after a reasonable amount of time of dating. I compare this to how a woman will make one dude wait three months to get the goods while giving it up after a couple of days to another.
I understand what you're saying in this post Slim, but when you wrote "An orgasm ain’t nothin’ but some contractions and spillage of juices" I sort of dry heaved a little bit. Did you have to put it into those words/terms? ewl. ANYWAY…I think that most men are that way and even married men are that way. There are times when a man doesn't even want to be bothered with his wife and the two of them can operate with smoke and mirrors and exist as separate entities until they to reconnect again.
So in my opinion, that mindset never really changes with a man — he just has to find someone that he doesn't mind being with all of the time even when he hits the off switch, and when he turns the switch on again, he isn't looking for a different person, but is content with the very one he finally chose.
I tried to "like" this but the button wouldn't work….you make some excellent points Redlady.
Thanks Queen, I saw your "like" anyway.
True the only difference is hopefully with your husband when he hits the off switch with you he's not hitting the on switch with another woman. In theses situationships (with no commitment) a lot of people feel like when your off with them someone else has your attention for the moment and women are not trying to share the attention of the "their" man with another women.
@SMilez, I really believe that you should know your partner, whether it's your husband or someone you're in a committed relationship with. If you're worrying that the other person is cheating when they hit the off switch then that's not the person for you. I'm talking normal relationships with high points and low points, not relationships where people can't be trusted, that's a different animal.
"he just has to find someone that he doesn’t mind being with all of the time even when he hits the off switch, and when he turns the switch on again, he isn’t looking for a different person, but is content with the very one he finally chose."
Red, this right here is all we want out of life!..lol
I'm crass sometimes. What can I say?
Btw, I just tried to like the comment too and it failed me. **goes to admin panel to see what the deal is.**
Thanks Slim, it's all part of the conspiracy against me to never allow my comments to turn yellow! LOL.
We are all selfish in our own ways, men are a lot more stubborn. Women seem to settle a lot more (baby mothers, sidechicks, fiances who never walk down the aisle, shacked up girlfriends, these new breed of bisexuals etc), instead of going for what they deserve they settle for what they can get.
A new breed of bisexuals? Is that different from the old breed of bisexuals? Please expound…
women who claim to like women in order to appeal to men
OoOoh…OK, gotcha.
wow 93 comments already at 9:30 am.
i used to be the guy that would jump from relationship to relationship. honestly from the age of 20 to about 28, i really can't remember a real long period of time where i was single. this is probably the longest i've been single since i've was a teenager. i'm actually enjoying it.
"And as I’ve learned the hard way, you can’t keep making a chick happy and not expect her to want more"
this right here stuck out to me the most. i was reading post yesterday on black n bougie that kind of covered this topic. its really a catch 22. like you enjoy a woman's company. you love hanging with her and doing things but you're not ready to be in a relationship. what do you do? commit when you're not ready? this is not a good idea. be the a$$hole? i know i hate that.
"The bigger lesson here is that some men just aren’t built to be players or jugglers despite their credentials. Honestly, you can’t play the game if you can’t follow the rules."
Yes… and it takes these men forever to come to this realization. Seriously… that "following the rules" thing is crucial. If you want to be single… then its best to not get too close to any girl that you're dating. Also… I think its probably best to not date "good girls" that you might fall for and who you know is going to expect more from you. I will never understand why men who want to play the field don't just choose women who don't expect anything from them.
"And though I’m not at the point of wanting to find a woman to take a knee for, I know that I can’t continuously have the affection I sometimes crave without sacrifice.
This is sooooooo true. Getting the type of affection that you're looking for doesn't always have to end up being inside a serious committment… but it definitely isn't free and I think this is a concept that some men struggle with. There are going to be expectations put on the table for the most part.
"I will never understand why men who want to play the field don’t just choose women who don’t expect anything from them."
Ditto.
Double Ditto.
Triple Ditto.
I hear what you're saying and it makes sense. But ultimately it's easier said than done and mostly and effort in futility.
But maybe I'm looking at it from a different perspective than yourself. When I "choose" a woman, I'm thinking this means a woman I found attractive and asked her out and hang out with. When I make that choice at that moment I would submit it's impossible to gauge her expectations. How do I know that she doesn't expect anything from me until I spend time with her…..If both sides, like Slim eludes to, set said expectations early in the "getting to know one another" phase then decisions can be made to further the courtship or part ways.
" I think its probably best to not date “good girls” that you might fall for and who you know is going to expect more from you"
Who I KNOW is going to expect more from me? One thing I learned early in life is not to put anything past anybody and don't gauge your assumptions as facts. I have def experienced those women who I thought were "good girls" who were…well lets just say they weren't as innocent as one thought. Like I implied earlier, I never know at the beginning what women expect from me outside of the standard morals/values/respect ,etc..stuff. All I know at the beginning is she thought I was worth exploring and getting to know more….either that or she just wanted a free meal 🙂
Larry for the win!
I've spoken on this before and all men can relate. When a man is our wondering throught the Kingdom of Singledom 9 times out of 10 he isnt looking for a wife, he's looking for an attractive woman. The end.
Women fall in love, men stumble on it.
" I think its probably best to not date “good girls” that you might fall for and who you know is going to expect more from you”
Countless women have been spared due to this … I'm not the jerk i'm sometimes painted as.
@ WIM
Say it again!! lol. But yeah, what you said. I need to get better at being more concise with my thoughts but still driving home the same point, lol. Well done, sir.
“I will never understand why men who want to play the field don’t just choose women who don’t expect anything from them.”
U know what the problem with this comment is? Women will say with their mouth that they dont expect ish, while their heart crosses its fingers. We aren't surgeons, or have x-ray vision, so how can we be wrong for taking you @ your words.
And their lies, #Theswindle
It's crazy!!!!!!
ALL. OF. THE. TIME.
I "like" all three of these comments.
There really, really, REALLY is a girl that thinks you're chexy but something about you is a deal breaker for her that will gladly eff you, cuddle with you, then go on a date with and hold out on a guy that she actually sees a future with and forget all about you til she needs that itch scratched again.So why, oh WHY must you keep putting forever women in positions meant for temps?
Could it be that it sucks being used for sex like a prostitute? Hmmmm@Starita: "Could it be that it sucks being used for sex like a prostitute? Hmmmm"
No.
And there's a name for those type of women….
"ugly" 🙁
…..or married….WHO SAID THAT?!??Awww, you just called half the girls on this site ugly Homie. There are dudes that we DO NOT WANT TO MARRY believe it or not. But because we're just out of a divorce, our hormones are raging, we're just fed up with dudes, this guy is chexxxxxxxy but dumb as a box of rocks, maybe we just got trust issues, WHATEVER REASON, sometimes we just want a physical relationship too. I swear.
Maybe you don't experience this often, but maybe that's because you are the marrying type to most ladies – bet you got a boy that treats women like ish and they stay breakin him off and givin him no grief and you just wonder why you can't have it so "good"…he's not worth fighting for, his dyck is his best asset. Those women trying to "lock you down", they see more in you than that.
" I will never understand why men who want to play the field don’t just choose women who don’t expect anything from them."
This reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend. He is married but going through a separation. In his situation his not looking for more than a friend seems to be justified. He doesnt really want anything too serious. I suggested he find a woman thats married and in a similar situation. His response? He doesnt want to mess with married women. FOH!!!
Good post.
I suppose a man would be hard pressed to find a woman that didn't eventually want more, but if you don't want a girl…why deal with anybody at all (assuming the inevitable)?
"but if you don’t want a girl…why deal with anybody at all"
oh you know the answer to that. everybody wants somebody, for SOMETHING…
"but if you don’t want a girl…why deal with anybody at all (assuming the inevitable)?"
That's why I said toward the end that an option was to become a monk. Can't stress enough how much of a dilemma it really is. People want what makes them feel good.
I agree…it's definitely a dilemma. And I wish it was that easy (for both sexes) as my comment hinted at. *sighs*
I don't know….I mean why is it so hard for most people to just…be alone? Like, not dating anybody…sleeping w/ anyone…just chilling. *double sigh*
Just thinking
Cuz we're a bunch of horny bastids 🙂
Lol, I suppose
I guess. That's where self control comes in, no?
I can have all the self control in the world. You're still gonna have to hear my mouth, lol. Cause like my bumper sticker says: I'd rather be effing….
:-p
Ya know. Outside of the realm of playing pokey, getting 2 people on the exact same page about "chilling" is fighting the odds. There are dudes that aren't concerned with smashing and just want to chill and do all the other stuff. It just so happens that someone ends up wanting the pokey or they end up wanting more commitment. On some level, you do have to do what's right for you. It's what's right that ends up being relative (i.e. finding someone to spoon the hell up with and nothing else.)
Honestly…I'd rather be bored with someone else than bored by myself. I can chill by myself. I even prefer it much of the time. But sometimes you just want some company.
@keona
i don't understand that logic. sounds like a waste of time for both parties. preferring to be bored w/ someone else just b/c you want company? IMO that negates the purpose unless of course you just want a body in the room
@Lala ok.
@LaLa
I think ppl are just scared to say being alone is ok…
single=chexy
alone= ew
In between relationships I prefer to be alone…I am right now.
Its ok if you have a life. 🙂
The one thing I hate is being bothered by guys during this time…
p.s and women trying to hook me up :-/
Starita: "but that line about if you make a woman happy, she’ll want more happiness………..effing DUH."
Kriola: "if I make you happy then why don’t you want to be with me!?!?!?!??!!?!?"
Kriola: "At some point you need to ish or get off the pot, we can be good at 5 for a couple of months but then we need to upgrade!"
BimRock: "who wants to stay stagnant like that? Holding hands is nice, but at some point people want to progress."
porscha: "cause why would a woman sit around twiddling her thumbs waiting on the off chance that a man MIGHT make a commitment and want to be with her and only her?"
Miss Mina: "Asking us to be content to stay at 5 is like asking you to remain at an entry level positionn indefinitely."
Ms. Dulce De Leche: "You want to play house and be able to leave whenever you want to, and hide behind that “well I told you i didnt want a relationship” crap."
That feeling of wanting more when the other person is being ambivalent sucks, doesn't it? Please remember this the next time you friend-zone a guy that clearly likes you.*
*This isn't necessarily directed at the women that made these quotes because I don't know if they'll send a guy to friend zone purgatory, but plenty of women put a guy in a friend zone, tease him by having him come around to move some furniture, fulfill some platonic male role or whatever, knowing the guy wants more.
point taken 🙂
Hugh. I salute you.
I hear you Hugh. And I get called "mean" a lot because I agree with you on this. I know what it is to be kept in the back pocket, so I don't do it myself.
"…plenty of women put a guy in a friend zone, tease him by having him come around to move some furniture, fulfill some platonic male role or whatever, knowing the guy wants more."
There's no denying that. I think everyone has has bitten off a chunk of that nasty friend zone but my thing is don't lead people on. Don't give people false hope and then throw them to the lions. If you want to be just friends, then so be it. Don't cuddle me, don't call me several times a day, don't kiss me on the forehead, don't caress my hand and gaze deeply into my eyes when we talk… just don't take me to the brink of gf land and then knock the wind out my sails with the friends card. The same card you've been hiding in your back pocket for the past 3 months. Let me know up front. I am a straight forward woman so I tell the men who come into my life from the get go where I stand. There will never be any confusion as to how I do and do not see him and I expect the same in return.
Mixed signals are a funny thing too. Your mouth can say one thing and your actions another. Many people argue that actions>words. I personally tend to take things at face value where dating is concerned because I'm not a fan of assumptions. Never seen an assumption work out well. I need verbal agreements and I need them to be cut and dry. Don't confuse a girl. Don't tell me we're just pals but be trying to have a slumber party for 2 on the hearth rug with an assortment of cheeses and wine.
I didn't read all the comments before I posted, so full credit to Sir Fariku for first mentioning the friend zone as it relates to this post.
@ hugh *denzel washington training day voice* MY Nugga !!
@Hugh
Concise, yet effective. The epitome of efficiency #FTW!!
LIKES ALL AROUND SIR JAZZ!
*Builds a shrine for Hugh Jazz with an effigy of James Earl Jones in the middle*
I haven't read all of the comments yet. First, I want to say I love that Little Brother song, and its because I can actually relate to that line as well. I'm sure plenty of other women have as well. I am a Libra, I'm by nature indecisive and can be sometimey. and I'm an only child so yes sometimes I want what I want when I want it, then not anymore. But that is terribly selfish and does NOTHING for the other person. I guess I attract the last type of man the most. I also have given myself totally in a relationship and I know I prefer a steady companion. I wish I attracted the first one mentioned in the post! Sike, serial monogamists scare me too. There needs to be a healthy medium. But it sucks when you think you're building with someone and they flip the script on you. People are allowed to change their minds, you just gotta keep at it until you find someone on the same page as you are.
"But it sucks when you think you’re building with someone and they flip the script on you. People are allowed to change their minds, you just gotta keep at it until you find someone on the same page as you are."
*lays down last dollars at the alter*
I think the confusion comes in when we think "the rules" are universal. Everybody doesn't prioritize the same rules. It seems like some are adhering to some "natural progression" rule while others are adhering to something less assuming. Honesty is the only rule people should expect but you can't even get that right it seems. There's the woman who wants commitment from a guy who doesn't and she's sitting around trying to play it cool or there's the guy who only wants to thronx or see a flick with a certain woman from time to time but he has to step up and play a max role though he'd be satisfied with the minimum. It's maddening and I'm not even rolled up into it. Just open your mouth and communicate with the one you're with. If you don't you wind up where you don't want to be over and over again. You can't just assume people will just know what you need from them.
"Everybody doesn’t prioritize the same rules. It seems like some are adhering to some “natural progression” rule while others are adhering to something less assuming. Honesty is the only rule people should expect but you can’t even get that right it seems." THIS!
On the honesty piece I don't think some people ask because they don't really want the truth. But in every dating situation I tell a man that's all I expect. Everything else falls into place when you lead with honesty!
"Honesty is the only rule people should expect but you can’t even get that right it seems."
fact!
I know my fault is expecting people to see the world as I do. I even tweeted a couple weeks ago: I think "you treat people the way you want to be treated, and its still doesn't mean that they will do the same" Some people just don't operate by the same rules as you do.
@ krystal this is profound
Really?
@Krystllyt yes ma'am it is!
@Krystllyt
So tru! kudos
I can't disagree with anything that was said on here, just wish that things were a bit more different.
Smh…I read this article and immediately had to start reflecting on my own relationships. See, right now I'm the selfish one. After chasing Mr. I want affection only when I want it for 4 yrs (ugh 4years *slaps hand over face*) I learned how to enjoy the moment, but now that's all I do…enjoy the moment. I'm no longer comfortable with putting all my eggs in the basket until I see my partner willing to make the same commitment, and right now I see nothing wrong with that. Really, that's how it should've been my whole dating career, but I got d*ckdowned and forgot everything LMAO (just keeping it 100%)
You ladies really wanna know ya worth?? Enforce that no sex rule! I dare ya!
I pass on that……fck around and I wait 90days to find out dude cant lay the pipe or eat the pumpum. Who gonna reimburse me time? Chilllll lol
And here in lies the difference between the sexes…men dont give a rats ass about whether or not shawty got skills…(my motto is what she dont know she'll learn!)…women include sex in the "is he the one" analysis…#yallwillforeverlose
100% No-Sign my dude. Im not a professor
I'm glad Streetz said it because I was thinking… what man doesn't care if a shawty has skills? why do you think so many men don't like virgins–besides the fact that they think deflowering a woman and effing up will make her crazy?
Street keep it real..if shawty bad as hell except she cant give you tremendous br@in cuz she just wak at it….all around shes a good chick and actually wants to be wifed up, you mean to tell me you really care about her dome skillz???
Why is it so freaking hard to like a comment on here? But you told the truth with that comment right there. We don't care if they already know how to do the do, as long as they're willing to learn.
Death @12:53pm EST
In full effect! LOL
Let me clarify though I didn't stop because I don't know my worth I clearly know but it was blurring the lines for both parties. I said this before in a post that I felt like I was tainting men because of the very things Slim put in this post. My last relationship at its end my ex told me
”you enjoying taking people to this place of physical inebriation only to eff up their high with the reality that its just s.ex for you, its a power play and its sad because you were it for me”
So I know for a fact men experience similar feelings that the women have expressed here today. Its NEVER just s.ex for me but that is how it came off.
Since I cant "like" for the time being, I'll just add a +1 @SD.
Yeeeeeeeah, about that. Sometimes it backfires. *angry face*
Don't be encouraging that 90-day sex rule. That's the dumbest thing ever.
I was wondering when you were going to chime in on this, lol!
I don't endorse that move whatsoever.
the 90 day chex rule is ridiculous! Thats 3 months!!! Why would anyone inflict such suffering upon themselves. Were in a committed relationship but we aren't having chex?? I really don't understand the logic behind that.
Has this dumb 90 days rule ever worked? If so what are the rules to this sadistic game? Think what you want am not doing this dumb shyt……
I did this for a min… just on my own personal journey… it was the most eye opening experience.. then I feel in love and gone were those years of abstinence…
You are quite right in this sir…
#lessonlearned
Good post, Slim. You hit the nail on the head with this one as far as one being able to relate to it at some point in his/her lifetime, generally speaking.
A couple of lines I liked the most:
"This may be selfish, but selfishness doesn’t negate reality."
In other words, It is what it is. The old adage, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it" applies in some respects here. People in general still have to deal with the reality of a situation and how they react will determine the outcome in many cases
"Some of us try to model the life we think we should be living instead of the life we’ve been given."
In short, trickin…but you ain't got it. And I believe this mainly applies to those that are not trying to move ahead in life, but just enjoy the thought of people thinking they live a certain lifestyle..almost a false sense of affirmation.
“You didn’t follow the rules!”
What does that even mean?
Anyway…
I fall into #3, big time. Most of the women I pull just don't get it. Then again, I seem to be a big hit with the "daddy issues" demographic. It's hard to get some alone time to read, practice archery, learn the djembe, solve all the L.A. Noire cases with a 5-star rating, and learn how to properly flip an omelet when someone needs that male attention they previously didn't get.
Yeah, that's selfish of me to say. But know this, when the woman I'm with has my attention, there's nothing else, and there's no one else. She gets my attention, my energy, my focus. That said, I need my time too. I'm not one of those thirsty dudes that always has to be with someone. (See category #1) While I appreciate the attention of a good woman (and on occasion, a bad one), I'm comfortable with my own company. Maybe a little too much.
Jupiter Calhoun: "It’s hard to get some alone time to read, practice archery, learn the djembe, solve all the L.A. Noire cases with a 5-star rating, and learn how to properly flip an omelet when someone needs that male attention they previously didn’t get…But know this, when the woman I’m with has my attention, there’s nothing else, and there’s no one else. She gets my attention, my energy, my focus. That said, I need my time too."
Comment of the day. That's what I related to when I heard Slow It Down for the first time. "When I don't want a girl, I need a girl who understands that" to me doesn't mean I'm out playing the field, it means I want to sit back and read my Thucydides, work out, hang out with my friends, or do some other boring crap that I do to keep my sanity. I went through this with my current girl until we worked out a balance. Yeah I love you, but I don't need you up under me 24/7.
I'm sure there isn't any sort of scientific study to back up this hypothesis, but from what I have experienced it seems there is a direct correlation between the amount of available time a woman has on her hands vs. level of demand to need a committment from a person they're "kicking" it with.
In other words, if a woman just gets up, goes to work and goes home and watches TV that leaves a lot of time in the day to be filled (especially the weekends)…so she's naturally going to want to fill that time with her new "boo". However, if she also has other extracurricular activities…working out, volunteering, grad school, involved in local organizations, etc.., that consumes more of her time then she won't be as hard pressed of being up under a man 24/7 which will naturally extend that dating progression cycle it would seem….but like I said, that's just what I've noticed..I'm just one man.
There's a saying: a bored man will entertain himself, a bored woman looks for someone to entertain her. This is why one of my first date questions is something along the lines of what are your hobbies, or what do you do in your free time. Because if she has none, you become her hobby.
There needs to be some type of equation to figure this out. Like Commitment Time Expectation = (Free Time)^2/(Hobbies X Career). CET = FT^2/HC. Where's Isaac Newton when you need him?
and there's another saying: idle hands are the devil's workshop. I know there have been times I have been SUPER clingy and it was because I ain't have sh*t else going on. Knew it deep in my soul. I knew I had hobbies before, other interests and totally dropped them to "sit up under" a man. I'm never doing that again.
"This is why one of my first date questions is something along the lines of what are your hobbies, or what do you do in your free time. Because if she has none, you become her hobby."
Most definitely!!
I think this should be in the top 3 of Dating101 Questionnaire. I ask this too.
" Because if she has none, you become her hobby."
!!!! at this, lol. Funny because it's relatively true
@ Hugh, I like the equation bruh. I see what you did there too by multiplying Hobbies in the denominator effectively making Committment Time Expectation infinite if Hobbies = 0
LOL!!! That is comedy. You may be on to something though…ha ha.
@ Reecie:
I wouldn't necessarily call it being Super Clingy especially if its in the New Boo Bliss Stage, you know how it is when you both just want to spend all your free time together, you dissing your girls and he hiding from his boys but after some point (a few months – sometimes more) you both have to wake up and realize it's time to get back to "Me Time"
Now that I look at it, it should probably be hobbies + career instead of multiplied. As the limit of either approaches zero, CET approaches infinity, and a woman with no career but with plenty of hobbies isn't necessarily a clinger. Back to the drawing board.
I need to consult the guy that mathematically proved all women are evil.
Y'all are right about this. I know I've been less-clingy since I've become more active. I attend more church auxillary services & events, put my ymca membership to semi-good use, became a mentor for a Future Leaders program, go out at least once a week, & I upgraded to a smart phone that I don't know how to operate. Dude can barely reach me now. I can't waste 5 minutes of my busy schedule trying to figure out how to return a phone call.
Eh. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: the fact that I have very few hobbies does not mean that I'm just sitting around waiting for a man to occupy my time. Even when there's someone of interest around, I'm quite experienced with and not shy about entertaining myself. I've had more experience with not wanting to be around guys as much as they want me to be than the opposite.
I think it's based off of self value. Now a guy who's attractive, successful, entertaining and good with woman both socially and chexually is gonna be higher up than an attractive and successful woman who is good with men chexually. Since relationships are built off of not only men approaching woman but also getting her to like him and not the opposite there tends to be a lot of very attractive woman with terrible attitudes but gassing themselves up about their great attitudes and entertaining qualities due to their high and continuous approach rate from dudes. Now a young dude will deal with it based off of his youth and ignorance. But the man mentioned above will just put mileage on the mattress with no intention of making a commitment or spending that much time with her regardless of how great she thought the date or dates were. Now being the man above, I'm sure what he's looking for is his match which would be an attractive, successful, entertaining and good with men (and I don't just mean stripper pole but in a social construct) type of young lady. And I just don't think there's a lot of woman who entertain all four positions but think they do.
Shoutout to Reecie's tweeting today that got me here. Shoutout to Phonte for this nugget of b*llshit in a hip hop song that keeps haunting women… and honestly shoutout to Slim for being "brave" enough to tackle this topic. Above Kriola was nice about disagreeing, I will try to be "nice" as well, but not as succinct I suppose.
I hate this line, and this concept. My disdain for folks (and I do mean folks, b/c I know many women who adhere to this mantra, and IMO are a larger part of the problem than the men who act it out) who subscribe to this "I want a girl when I want a girl…" mentality is just below my hatred for bitches who say that they are "Single by choice". Immediately, I want to insult and attack both groups for their low moral fiber and keen ability to lie to themselves…but I gotta chill, because clearly I'm jus mad. What I will say is that when men say "I want a girl when I want a girl…" I think they're lying.
I totally agree that this mentality is a selfish one. But its also one that promotes lack of personal responsibility and (as it was said above) accountability. I think its a lie because men who say it are two kinda of men…. men who want a girlfriend and men who don't. I'll explain…
A lot of men who agree with this post recognize a current or past need for companionship. Men are inherently lazy when it comes to matters of emotion, so I'd imagine they don't want to hop around getting to know a gang of different women intimately and having to rotate between them each weekly/monthly…whatever. If a man desires companionship, he probably has built something with one woman who provides it. He may value this woman slightly to heavily. But he just isn't of the age where he's "ready" to settle down with her…so he wants her when he wants her (oh but that sounds like the line…) but when he doesn't want her, HE STILL WANTS HER (similarities end.) I am CERTAIN that y'all don't want your "I want a girl when I want a girl" to be f*cking the NY Giants practice squad in the off season. Nah. Y'all want her to be still checking for your selfish ass while you're giving her the entire freezer section cold shoulder, "dropping your male off" into foreign womens "boxes", chilling with your boys or having your alone time. A man doesn't want a girl when he wants a girl, he wants a GIRLFRIEND who is content to be given the Simon Says CHILL every few days/weeks/months.
Then there's the second type of man I mentioned. The one who honestly doesn't want a girlfriend. He may allow women to get close enough to think they're making emotional connections, but I bet he doesn't know anything about her. Not her middle name, occupation, favorite color…hell, probably not even her eye color. He just wants to play the field. He's selfish and not only is he deceitful to women, but he's deceitful to himself because he's rapping the Phonte line with old halfway emo conflicted Drake up in the previous paragraph thinking its about him. Sorry bruh. The line doesnt say "I wanna f*ck when I wanna f*ck, and when I don't wanna f*ck I need a hoe who understands that". This guy is about as badly damaging as the serial monogamist Slim wrote about, but for polar opposite reasons. But either way NEITHER man personifies this rap line men seem to love to relate to.
That's why I hate it. And I think its why women get stuck in confusing situations where its hard to decipher whether to listen to our brain, heart, or vagina. My advice to any woman who has ever had a discussion with a man they were dating who brings up this line is to say f*ck those organs and just listen to your feet and walk smooth the hell away.
LMAOOOOO yess all of this +[infinity sign]
But if we can agree to:
"ma, our time together is our time together, and uh, our time apart is our time apart, so love Jay with your mind girl and not your heart."
…can we be cool as a polar bear's toenails?
…actually, yes. That's a much better line, and a much better picture painted.
@ milf hi how are u…you agree with the jay line and not the little brother one, it's the same thing.
@mix I'm good. Thanks for asking. I vehemently disagree though. First and foremost the jay line (and tone of the entire song) doesn't suggestanyone is going to be anyone's "girl"….so there's a misleading tone in the Little Brother song that out the gate doesn't exist in the Jay song. But then to delve deeper, amans actions COUPLED WITH his words are everything. Treating a woman as if she's special, relying on her for emotional and physical satisfaction and then abruptly cutting it off whwn you need alone time is very different than a quick flight, maybe some shopping and some sex and a clear message that 'hey…if you see me out you don't know me….and if we do this again IF we do…its just this. Nothing else" I think i'd be more inclined to be confused by the little brother scenario, as opposed to the jay one. Do I suggest women get involved in EITHER. Though?? Nah.
I think we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one.
Inherently both messages are the same. How you interpret the words into meaning is obviously up to your own discretion, but I'll submit to you that more than a few men will view the lines from a similar context.
I would go a bit deeper into my rational reasoning, but alas it's really pointless as I'm not really attempting to change anyone's mind on anything…so I'll just leave it at that.
I think they're different too. It's the difference between "on and off again." And "when I see you, I see you," and we have a good time and leave it at that. It's, "I'm not Mr. Right, i'm Mr. Right now."
Like, let's say, I am a man who travels a lot. I don't like to eat alone. So in many cities I may have a couple female friends that I call and ask out when i'm in town. When i'm in town, i'm in town. When i'm not there is no expectation that I call or do anything. I make that clear up front and those women will appreciate the time that you have together. Instead, of OD'ing asking questions like, "Are you dating anyone else?" or "So, where is this going?"
Then, let's say, you tell a chick you're really feeling her and you really like her. But everytime you get busy at work, you just disappear off the face of the planet. Or anytime, you want to be single and free, you just hoe'ing it out and ignoring her text messages. When you want her, you want her to drop what she doing and make an effort. When you don't you're Mr. MIA and IDGAF. Ain't nothing like that feeling of, "Argh, I don't want to answer this phone call because I know she is upset she ain't seen me in a while." My question is, why she got that expectation if you don't like it?
That first guy will never have to say this uncomfortable phrase to a woman, "We just friends." And that's because he's properly defined the situation and said, "This is what it is, deal or no deal."
@ Dr. J:
"Then, let’s say, you tell a chick you’re really feeling her and you really like her. But everytime you get busy at work, you just disappear off the face of the planet. Or anytime, you want to be single and free, you just hoe’ing it out and ignoring her text messages. When you want her, you want her to drop what she doing and make an effort. When you don’t you’re Mr. MIA and IDGAF. Ain’t nothing like that feeling of, “Argh, I don’t want to answer this phone call because I know she is upset she ain’t seen me in a while.” My question is, why she got that expectation if you don’t like it?
That first guy will never have to say this uncomfortable phrase to a woman, “We just friends.” And that’s because he’s properly defined the situation and said, “This is what it is, deal or no deal.”
YES, YES, YES!!!!!! You get it! 🙂
It's confusing when you say you don't want to be in a relationship, but act like we're in a relationship when it works for you.
I'd say rule number one to casual relationships… Don't call me every morning to say good morning. Don't call me every night to say good night. Matter of fact, don't call me every day. Once or twice a week is fine. Don't get me used to that ish…
@YM That lyric as the good doc put it can be sugar over the same sh*t. Though the LB line may not be agreeable and you've provided a thorough explanation for why you think it's BS, it doesn't change the fact that it's how some of us feel.
YOU YOU YOU! OMG!
CO-SIGN.
as much as men have the right to feel, think and act this way, I just think it's selfish, selfish, selfish and such a negative trait.
Youngest MILF: "I totally agree that this mentality is a selfish one. But its also one that promotes lack of personal responsibility and (as it was said above) accountability. I think its a lie because men who say it are two kinda of men…. men who want a girlfriend and men who don’t."
As Larry stated earlier, "eventually there comes a point where both parties may just want to exclusively be with one another and put a label on it…the disconnect is that one half of the party ALWAYS gets there before the other half". So why is it if a woman gets to that point before a man, the man has a selfish mentality, and lacks personal responsibility and accountability?
Now you are correct that some guys will play a girl and leave them hanging on a string while they get what they want. But in many cases, there's no ill intent, they just aren't ready for that level of a commitment yet. So is it a race and the first person that gets there wins, or is the "slow" person justified that they are moving at their own pace?
I Just Love how YoungestMILF delurkes with her 1 comment bangers – knocks that ish outta the park – then POOF, she goes ghost again.
*WavestoYoungestMilf* Until next time chica..
Co-sign.
*waves back* I read your comment and attempted not to disappear today lol
"So he wants her when he wants her (oh but that sounds like the line…) but when he doesn’t want her, HE STILL WANTS HER (similarities end.) I am CERTAIN that y’all don’t want your “I want a girl when I want a girl” to be f*cking the NY Giants practice squad in the off season. Nah. Y’all want her to be still checking for your selfish ass while you’re giving her the entire freezer section cold shoulder, “dropping your male off” into foreign womens “boxes”, chilling with your boys or having your alone time."
THANK YOU!!!!
This is how it always seems to be. A lot of guys that aren't ready for relationships have unrealistic expectations of the women that they are causually dealing with. They want to be able to have their freedom WHILE still having loyalty from her, without her placing any expectations on them. Its crazy!
Who are these crazy, clingy bishes that all the men are dating that won't let them have alone time or time with their boys!? Ya'll act like women ain't got ish of their own they wanna do some d@mn times!
We just don't want you effin other itches! That's the main issue.
"We just don’t want you effin other itches! That’s the main issue."
Haha! RIGHT!!!!
I'm not even a clinger like that. I like my alone time too. PLEASE!!! By ALL means… get OUT of my face sometimes…lol. But… I just don't want someone who wants to spread themselves around like that. Ugh.
^5
"We just don’t want you effin other itches! That’s the main issue."
I think we need to clarify/define exactly what stage in the relationship we're at to justify this requirement. I say that because if we are in the beginning more than likely there are/is another woman/women I may be effin. Just b/c you gave me your number and we went out to dinner twice and had a good time isn't necessarily going to make cut-off whatever poon I am receiving.
I'll just go ahead and assume it's in a stage where you're chexually active and have been for a little while and spending the majority of your time together. However, at that stage I'd assume a conversation would have been had about being monogomous chex partners, etc…
I'm talking about the point when "We have fun, we laugh, we talk, we enjoy each other’s chex and cuddle afterwards 4 nights a week"
It's nice that you'd assume this–> "However, at that stage I’d assume a conversation would have been had about being monogamous chex partners, etc…" but you're obviously not dating men. That's not how ish works. Assumptions are evil and if you ask, you're a nag. We work with what we got…
@Thereluctantsocialite: "This is how it always seems to be. A lot of guys that aren’t ready for relationships have unrealistic expectations of the women that they are causually dealing with. They want to be able to have their freedom WHILE still having loyalty from her, without her placing any expectations on them. Its crazy!"
I'm going to have to bold my statement below because I see the ladies high-fiving and giggling to one another about sentiments similiar to the one quoted above and well, because I am who I am, I'm going to have to say something about that…
Granted, I dont know what kind of men you are dating and their expecations BUT I believe the real culprit is not the men defining what you can or cannot do – which doesnt even make a lot of sense because they are not your daddy or prison guards and further you stated they are "casual" in the very sentence prior to venting your frustration – is that most women find a man they like, commitment or not, and THEY MAKE THE DECISION TO STOP SEEING ALL OTHER MEN THEY ARE DATING regardless of if he "makes" you or not.
It's a CASUAL relationship. That man does not run you. If you dont like it, move on. I think the issue is women are afraid of losing this man even though this man isnt even giving them what they want. So I guess my question is, why are you letting a man that is not even your man put restrictions on you
and why are you trying to put loyalty expecations on him?K, thanks for your time. 🙂
And let the church say Amen! Preach Pastor WIM…preach!
*drops mortgage payment in the collection plate*
" … the issue is women are afraid of losing this man even though this man isnt even giving them what they want."
#Guilty
@ WIM:
I never said that a woman should stick around and let a man run her, or that men are MAKING women do anything. I'm only talking about the expectations that exist.
I just feel that there is a double standard. Its MY experience that most men who want a "causal" relationship don't really want to have a casual relationship with a woman that is actively having casual relationships other men. Its an observation, my dear. From my experience. 🙂
I think Wisdom's post makes a lot of sense. Unless we explicitly agree to be exclusive, we are not exclusive. Until we explicitly say we are committed to one another, we are not committed and therefore it's not a relationship. Sometimes people act like these men put a gun to their heads and forced them to play themselves.
And boom goes the dynamite!
Um, Larry, real women don't get down with homeless men so…
*scoops Larry's mortgage payment out the collection plate and hands it back to him*
Even God only requires 10%, lol…
D@mn WIM, how many thumbs ups do I need to give you today?
*puts his own mortgage payment in the collection plate*
Yeah, that's not only way off base, that's…that's another sport is what that is.
Why does it even have to go that extreme? Just because I say I want to stay home alone tonight, that automatically means I'm hip deep in Hooters waitresses? That's not a leap in logic, that's a running start with a jet pack off a trampoline.
Sure you ladies make us happy (whether you're clothed or not). But…we can also derive happiness from sources that AREN'T YOU. For many men, happiness is not based upon being with someone. Ladies, you're in our lives…but you're not our entire life. We like being with you. But we also like sports, action movies, scrapbooking, reading classic literature, reading comic books, hunting down elderly Nazis, making art, listening to music, building practical schit, building useless schit, learning languages, quiet introspection, Jamaican stick fighting, etc.
Relationships have the unfortunate side effect of slowly eliminating time for us men to delve into those other sources of happiness. You want men to be more open to being in a relationship, make an effort, a genuine effort, to acknowledge our needs. Where romantic relationships are concerned, the secret fear at the heart of men is that once they're in a relationship, they no longer exist. They're part of a couple. And by couple, I mean two headed entity that only does what the feminine half wants. Don't believe me? Find 10 single, heterosexual men that are fans of Tyler Perry movies. Go ahead, I'll wait.
Ladies, if your guy says "Hey, Jamal, Junichiro, Jose, Jordan, Jagdeep, and Jin are coming over to my place to watch UFC tonight, I'll see you tomorrow," don't flip out because you wanted to see "Sex in the City 5 : More F***ing Shoes". Just because he wants to do something that's not centered around you, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he doesn't want you in his life. It doesn't mean he wants a menage a trois with Christina Hendricks and Toccara Jones. (Okay, he does…but he still loves you.)
It just means he wants to watch two large men pound the hell out of each other (PAUSE).
Yes that "pause" definitely needed to be in all caps.
Scrapbooking, bruh? *side-eyeing while flipping through Man Law Code of Procedures for possible infraction*
LOL!!! @ “Sex in the City 5 : More F***ing Shoes”.
"It doesn’t mean he wants a menage a trois with Christina Hendricks and Toccara Jones. (Okay, he does…but he still loves you.) " (chest guy I presume?)
Interesting combination…I'm a fan. 🙂
I appreciate what you said here and I respect your passion but how far do you expect for a person to take this "accountability and responsibility?" If a man has already told you what he wants and what he expects from the relationship, then his responsibility is taken care of. If you don't like that arrangement, it's your responsibility to choose if you'll put up with it. Is he supposed to stay around when he doesn't really want to just to spare your feelings? That just leads to resentment. Wouldn't that be a greater disservice to you?
Did you skim or read til the end of what I wrote? My final thought was to not deal with a man who succumbs to this style of dating/has voiced this "expectation". In my opinion, that's the best way for a woman to exercise her own personal responsibility.
I'll be honest, I just skimmed at first. *shrugs* Lots of comments today. But I don't see the beef because I don't think those men are lying, I think they're being really real and not letting folk tell them what they're supposed to want. The only obligation he has is to himself and if a chick doesn't want this arrangement and skips out, he just has to miss out on that particular chick.
"These aren’t justifications. They’re just observations that explain why a lot of people get hurt."
"These aren’t justifications. They’re just observations that explain why a lot of people get hurt."
"These aren’t justifications. They’re just observations that explain why a lot of people get hurt."
"These aren’t justifications. They’re just observations that explain why a lot of people get hurt."
"These aren’t justifications. They’re just observations that explain why a lot of people get hurt."
Got it? Good.
CLASSIC!
I meant to throw a visual thumbs up to this earlier, but I got lost in the sauce.lol
I don't have a problem with the post, I think there are lots of guys with that mindset, I just don't like it when girls play the victim in all of this. I'm not sure that its really that hard to tell when a guy isn't interested in being serious about you. I don't think guys are evil and looking to break hearts, I think most of the time, they tell you what they're about, both verbally and non-verbally. Pay attention, and cut your losses early on. It might be difficult if you feel like you love the dude, but you love yourself more right? Or at least you should….
Great, unnerving post, Slim, lol…smh. I'm still reeling from Most's post on Monday and now here YOU go…
"And as I’ve learned the hard way, you can’t keep making a chick happy and not expect her to want more."
This is pretty much what the ladies were trying to express in the comments section of the "Why Wasn't I Good Enough" post, btw, lol.
Between Monday's post, and today's post…and the comments, I'm really in my head about some things. I wish you guys had an advice hotline, lol. But since you don't, I'll just openly ask the fellas the following questions (although they make me feel vulnerable…I hate feeling vulnerable): If your partner begins to plan a life change that essentially ends the relationship, can that be equated to "he/she doesn't want you"? Is choosing to hang on till the change takes place the equivalent of "I hope this dude changes his mind" or "letting dude maintain a temp CEO postition when the position was actually for a permanent CEO position"? Lastly, is there a difference between a man wanting a committed relationship and a man committing to a relationship because he knows thats the only way to keep you in his life…if so, how can you tell?
Those questions are beast. I can't answer them at this moment (work), but plan to come back to this later in the form of a comment or post depending on what other folks have to say about this.
Thanks, Slim! I would've sent them to the SBM mailbox but I don't really have time for that, lol. I need these answers ASAP…cause my thoughts have me reaching for scissors… -_-
And that comment above just gave me life for next wednesday. LOLOL!
Cynical… im shocked! I expect better *ducks* 🙂
Way-mint…Where didn't I meet your expectations, Streetz?! I'm just saying that I need these answers like now cause after reading Most's post Monday, Slim's post today, and these crazy awesome comments, I'm thinking I should be a singleblackfemale, lol…but I ain't sure. I'm not gonna cut y'all…somebody else is no longer safe though, lol. The fellas seem to be under the wisdom anointing today, so I thought I'd step on in the water and see what happens, lol…
If your partner begins to plan a life change that essentially ends the relationship, can that be equated to “he/she doesn’t want you”?
If the idea of you both moving in the same direction (mainly together) post life change is a negative then it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't want you, but it DEFINITELY means that Life Change > The Idea of a continued relationship.
Is choosing to hang on till the change takes place the equivalent of “I hope this dude changes his mind” or “letting dude maintain a temp CEO postition when the position was actually for a permanent CEO position”?
More so the latter. Of course you want him to change his mind, but you and him both know exactly what's about to happen, especially if the idea of you moving with him and his life change isn't going to happen. Think of it this way, him changing his mind and staying is thee exact same as him bringing you with him (assuming he's moving to another city for whatever reason) both prolly means that he's mentally ready for more (and that's assuming he's changing his mind to stay for the sake of the relationship and you). So in actuality, your giving this man the temp CEO position because you're familiar with his work and your comfortable with it, but you're not quite ready to go Head hunting for another CEO because there will be a lot of questions about the company (loneliness) in between losing the old CEO and finding a new one. You'd rather wait til the CEO cleans out his office and flies away than force him out and begin the search. It's a matter of self-preservation. People don't really start making moves until their backs are against the wall (We'll know we're on the edge of getting fired, but we won't actually start job hunting til we actually get fired).
Lastly, is there a difference between a man wanting a committed relationship and a man committing to a relationship because he knows thats the only way to keep you in his life…if so, how can you tell?
The difference is whether the woman has to apply an ultimatum or not.
First, somebody grab bout 1, 2…10 bottles of Moscato D'Asti and pass them this way, please…
How does Life Change > The Idea of a continued relationship not necessarily mean that he doesn’t want you?
I get the self-preservation thing. But, does this essentially make you an "in the meantime" partner…as described above?
What if it wasn't an ultimatum, per se. You bounce from the "boo" situation and then the boo returns with a "let's do this thing right but know that [insert life change explanation here]" application…
Bottles….where are the bottles….I need bottles…
I am focused on this first question.
"How does Life Change > The Idea of a continued relationship not necessarily mean that he doesn’t want you?"
**I am assuming this life change is money based? Maybe even a move to a new location?**
I want a Benz, however I want to be able to save for retirement MORE. So I save, that doesn't mean I don't love Benz or I can't afford one, but the wise decision is to save and if I am bless to afford luxuries, I entertain the option of having a Benz. In this case, I believe, the relationship is a luxury however the paper your boo (soon to be ex) might get is a higher priority. To be honest, he has to make that 'life change' b/c money is the priority and he is a fool to let a woman get in the way of his paper. A fool.
M.O.B. with a slight exception being made for those who are married or have kids.
Lastly, is there a difference between a man wanting a committed relationship and a man committing to a relationship because he knows thats the only way to keep you in his life…if so, how can you tell?
Can't lie. Men tend to placate women with out talk and answers. It goes back to people trying to keep the peace. Seattle Washington use to tackle this conversation alot on threewaystotakeit. If you want to have 'the conversation' and I don't, you should automatically assume my answer isn't the real me. It me being guilted. Don't force me into isht and don't cry and expect honesty. Women cry to damn much.
Mkay, maybe I'm slow, lol…but I don't see how this answers the question. Dumb this down for the student, please….
Are you saying that most men commit to someone to keep the peace aka keep the woman in your life after she starts begging and crying??? I can assure you I did no such thing. In this situation, I just bounced after a couple months of waiting out the bottleneck WIM discussed upthread…no begging or "why won't you be my man" chats…and I'm too prideful to cry over some crap like that, lol.
I can't even part my lips to say "Don't go"…and he's my bf, lol. I helped him pack! I'm a G, lol…
Well than … Looks like he wasn't force to pick u. He did it on his own free will. I concur.
But did he know you bounced b/c of the relationship issue? Than he might have gone to far in trying to get you back, but that is probably b/c you have a pot of gold between your legs.
Yes, he knew I wanted someone who was willing to commit…so I chose to distance myself and I was real with my distance. We don't need to talk all the time, chill all the time, distance. We can only chill in public distance. We were still cool.
LOL…pots of gold aren't hard to come by, I'm sure. So, I'm sure it was deeper than that.
After reading this blog post I think it's really an issue of commitment. No man is going to get all of my time like that without being in a committed relationship. Because most likely they wouldn't mind continuing the relationship as it is. If I want to be married I don't have time to do that. I'm not looking for some long term boyfriend. And when I say long term I mean just kickin it not moving towards anything. I really don't think women should be mad because they play a role in it as well. If a woman sees that it's not going anywhere then they should move on.
I went to war w/ myself about what to post here… I can be one of the MOST sometime-y persons that one would ever meet concerning relationships. A while back I wouldve said that this post applies to me also, I want you when I want you… but I when I dont, well… I don't. However, I have realized that this mantra only applies when I'm w/ someone I shouldn't be with in the first place. When when I do the salad bar shopping through a man as Max so eloquently put it… I end up being sometime-y in a 'relationship' some days I feel like I wanna be wifey and other days I just don't. The problem w/ picking qualities out and leaving others behind, is that you end up dating the whole person regardless so those characteristics you could do without are usually along for the ride. It's much easier to overlook someone's flaws, etc. if that is the/a person that are truly compatible w/ as a whole and not someone you pieced together. I used to call myself a commitment phobe… I now know that I'm just afraid of being committed to the wrong person.
I have recently learned when I love that person/or it's right… then that's where I want to be. No ifs, ands or buts about it. Sooo while I understand your sentiment and have toyed w/ a few emotions along the way in trying to figure it out… now that I am much more self-aware I try my hardest not to. If I know that a guy is in it to win it, and I'm not… I politely excuse myself from the situation. This is why being honest w/ me upfront is crucial. That way I can make decisions on where I want to be and where you fit – if at all – into my life.
I think I like SD and his POV but this "we're happy at 5, lets stay at 5" is killing me. for reals. lol and Most cosigning that in addition to that house party scenario he laid out is just to remind us ladies he's not super perfect unicorn of a man all the time. lol. I appreciate that.
this has been a good discussion today, and so far nobody has abused the dislike button *crosses fingers*
"and Most cosigning that in addition to that house party scenario he laid out is just to remind us ladies he’s not super perfect unicorn of a man all the time. lol. I appreciate that."
RIGHT! LMBO…
I told Most to tell that story so I could do the follow-up, he never said that's something he's done in the past.
– Secret Service for the Pied Piper of Blogging
Hmmm…
“and Most cosigning that in addition to that house party scenario he laid out is just to remind us ladies he’s not super perfect unicorn of a man all the time. lol. I appreciate that.”
This statement implies that a good/perfect/reasonable man would not have co-signed or agreed to such "foolishness"….Interesting assumption.
no. I'm only talking about him, Larry.
Because obviously the rest of us fellas are nowhere close to being the super perfect unicorn. All hail Most … The Most High … Lol.
@Top um you said it LOL
It's sad, but from my experience it seems as though…
Dating is the new Relationship; Relationship is the new Marriage; Marriage is the new Divorce
Chew on that for awhile.
LOL!!!
Marinating…….
I REFUSE to believe this…although I get it, lol..
I didn't have time to read all the comments before posting so I hope I am not repeating anyone but really Slim??? this post gets a serious serious 0_o. If men want what they want when they want it, then they have to deal with the fallout. point blank period! yes, everyone is entitled to be selfish, but that right does not mean there are no consequences for your selfish behavior. I think men, should say I am gonna be doing me, so at some point one of the females I am doing is bound to nut the eff up, let me prepare and decide how to deal with that when it happens. But what men can't do is act like women are tripping because they are not okay with the selfishness.
I totally think you are bending the rules with this type of behavior. We all know the rules on how jump offs are treated and therefore how to avoid becoming one. But if you cuddling, taking me in the street, and smelling my shampoo in the morning…then guess what you are confusing me! Am I a jumpoff or not?! is this going somewhere or not?!?
Your hope failed miserably as you repeated the sentiment of a few people up thread, lol. But with almost 300 comments before 2pm est it was inevitable, lol.
Sorry ladies. I disagree. If you want to be in a committed relationship, make sure you are before you (get f*****) have sex. This may sound unrealistic, but it's not. We have to take more responsibility for ourselves.
Gotta go. 'Bout to bring my 5 breakfast in bed before I send his a** home. 😉
Don't assume we're all effing. We're not.
No assumption made. Just stating my opinion.
@Vonnie,
That was deep and to the point….
Thanks B! Maybe a lil too direct for everyone to appreciate. You can't take me to literally. I'm just making a point and from time to time might throw in a visual. But seriously, it goes both ways. So in my opinion, you have to be responsible for being truthful with yourself first. If you want 10 and your SO hits the brakes at 5, then the ball is in your court and you need to decide if you still want to play or if you already played yourself. Hanging around for another month or two is your option and not to be thrown in anyones face if you don't get a return on your investment. With that said, men too need to keep focused and shoot straight from the hip. 'Cause sometimes 5'll get u 10!
@Vonnie,
That is so true… I learned the hard way in my last relationship that if you're not true to yourself, you will walk around feeling sorry for yourself… I made up my mind to leave relationships alone altogether… After a failed marriage and then a broken relationship, it's time for me to pack it in and live for me… There such a double standard with this topic… Me? I see your point and it hit home… Most may not like it, but I see the truth in comment…
The first thing I saw was "324" comments, and I couldn't help but think "Holy crap!" Now, to actually read the post and comments.
@ Naija, that's what i was thinking…
This is a great Post!!! Great comments and POVs….
Hello everyone. I hope you're having a good day. Way to go Slim, good read and great comments from all…
Bottom line, people are going to do what they want to do…focusing on a future together if you not focusing on yourself first is asinine. I know this because I subscribed to this mentality for too long. Being "dickmatized" (or coohie slapped for dudes) is not a good long term focus plan because wee wees break and boxes dry up. I don't do it anymore. I screw myself, meaning if I'm with a man or by myself I get off like its the last nut…EVER…its a tool.
Taking the sex out and looking at a man/woman as a companion is the antidote. Enjoying the time you have with them is key too. So, why not have many companions? Or better yet, get a life of your own. Have something interesting to say besides the current state of your companionship….(see what I did there?) I'm gonna do what I want in the end and so will he. Trying to make something out of nothing is lame. I may be one way with one companion and different with the other. Therefore, in essence, if you want to be with me, be with me. You want to cuddle, I might be up for that too. You like vacations? Me too! It's all about timing really. So I agree with all that was mentioned with regard to timing; Mars and Venus lining up with the Sun and Moon etc. As long as you respect your self and treat people with the proper amount of consideration (meaning how they treat you) you can't lose.
I understand completely, and agree with your post. Maybe in my growth and maturity (not so younger years) I’ve grown to understand a lot about men. There’s a lot I still don’t get though. But, it’s simple and cut and dry as you have stated in your post. We don’t like it, but it is what it is. Men and women are just built differently. Just listen ladies… They are selfish. They can’t help it. But if more men were honest, we could probably deal with it better.
We are just not in the same place at the same time EVER… Until THEY are ready, we pretty much have to deal with it or don’t. I get it. It’s not that hard. But if we (women) make it harder for them, they would have to conform to our thinking. What do all men want? Bottom line, Chex… Make it harder for them to get it, would change the game… Simple, yet, easier said than done. Preaching to the choir.
*wipes away sweat beads from the reading exercise*
With two of the guys I refer to as exes, for lack of a better classification, I was involved in a Pseudo-Relationship. Needless to say, I'm well-versed in the matter. I'm also currently liked by someone who's of the "gotta get all my stuff together before I can settle down and truly focus on building a relationship" variety. I ain't mad at that because he's genuinely not trying to string anyone along, but I'm also not having it. You see, I learned more than I bargained for in University. Amongst those lessons was the one that you are doing yourself a terrible disservice if you do not heed certain warnings issued by individuals of interest. The first PR I engaged in hurt like hell. So once I heard the infamous line from #2, I immediately put a cap on what he could mean to me and how much I was willing to invest in whatever was going on. The ideal would have been to steer completely clear of the situation, but eh. I can assure you that he suffered more from it than I did. He always wanted me to be around, even when he had a lot of work to do; my presence was comforting to him. Always wanted to please me even when I was adamant that I was not going to reciprocate in kind. He would get upset during the periods when I wouldn't even give him that satisfaction. There were, of course, moments when I let my guard down and let him occupy a soft spot in my heart. They were short-lived. He wasn't actively dating anyone else, but he seemed to have some apprehension that I was. Fine by me; a consequence of non-commitment is the inability to dictate my life. When I actually did get in a relationship after a "break," he was left in the cold. He set himself up from day 1, and the consequences were his to deal with.
Ladies, we have to hold ourselves accountable for the relationships we engage in. As human beings, we all naturally enjoy companionship. My equivalent of what Slim detailed is when I would tell a guy (most often PR 2) upfront that no chex would be had, although I was willing to be playful, cuddle, and make a non-horizontal dance partner of him. Goodness help him if he dared catch an attitude about it later on, because as far as I was concerned, I'd laid it bare for him (pause?). No matter how playful I can be, I do not really crave xes, and only one of us can and will end up with blue balls. Nowadays, I steer clear of such situations because I've learned that guys in general cannot handle it well. Nonetheless, the onus is really on them to assess the situation after being provided with all the facts. I didn't think about this during Slim's other post, but there it is.
I've never been a fan of pointless dating, and I never did develop a taste for PRs. I'm still considered relatively young, but I'm at a point where I really don't feel to have my time wasted. If a man tells me that he's not ready or looking for a relationship, the onus is on me to flash him a smile and wish him all the best. Should I choose to engage him, I cannot expect him to keep trying to break it off when he feels as though I may be getting in too deep. It would be decent of him, of course, but if he's enjoying my companionship as much as I'm enjoying his, then it wouldn't be an easy task. His only defense is that he warned me…and he has a right to it. You see, I hold people accountable for who they fall in love with. I do not believe in love at first sight. You have to place yourself under favourable circumstances for it to develop and flourish. Besides, people take things for granted until they lose it. There is a higher likelihood that he'll come around if you leave than if you stay. And for goodness sake, do not give him your all if he is giving you his half.
Um, I think I'll stop there. Writing novels and ish. Fin.
it' s not a novel; it'sTHE original sister girl advice; i agree with you 100% , if more women thought like you; they would save themselves a lot of heartache and BS.
Honestly, self-preservation is key. I love companionship, but I'm no longer willing to shortchange myself for it.
lol, I'm glad you don't think so. I just start typing sometimes, and before I know it there's enough to fill up 7 MS Word pages.
Yeah, we ain’t trying to be bothered. We want our space and the idea of having to check in with someone causes acid reflux.
^^^^^^^^
This is my life at this very moment…
I must admit … the guys on here are SHARP … I've never seen such concise, consistent, intelligent, logical, and reasonable comments regarding relationships in my life
outside of my own of course. The comments section is unreal.Ladies,
I swear on everything i love ya needed to be researching, analyzing and dissecting these comments like biology class. I swear probably about 95% of the comments from the fellas are SPOT ON, dynamic and well thought out. You cannot miss if you take these opinions, perspectives into account and apply them to your life, despite none of us being "experts" (cuz there are no experts), but if ya want to understand and know the psyche of a man … There is no better place than here
KUDOS FELLAS!!!!
*Pats self on back* Thank you Top5DOA. I was wondering when I was gonna get some recognition in this beyotch! …oh ,I'm part of the 5%?? My bad…*hangs head in shame* LOL. j/k.
Seriously, though, I agree with your sentiments. Great dialouges and perspective from all parties articulated in a respectful manner, for the most part.
Gay. LMAO
You have me LMAO too!
Pause or is it too late?
is quiet for u. lol
Ohh so many women have heard a variation of this line from a dude either through his words or actions. As a woman you can either do it the easy way or the hard way. I've done it the hard way. And it hasn't been pretty. Tears. Anger. Feelings of time wasted. Yada yada.
And I've done it the easy way. I've had a couple dudes say they like me, but they don't want to be with me right now blah blah. O rly? Cool. Channeling ol' girl from What's Love Got to do With It, "you only got to [tell] me one time Ike." Phone calls cease. No text messages or emails or holiday greetings or hey how ya doin'. No smoke signals. Or dinner for you. No funny stories. Or updates on how I've been living my life like it's golden. #disappearingacts
But they always come back on some, "heyyy! How you? I haven't heard from you in a minute. You haven't.." That's right sir. You can't have your cake, ice cream, pie, brownies and then some. No. The older I get the more I realize the power and importance of this word – no. I once told a dude, "why should I sacrifice what I want so you can have what you want?" Crickets. Yeah. I'm cool…
I think is safe to conclude that Ladies, we do this shyt to ourselves. If it has been 6months and he not making you his girl, you have a choice, stay or move on. We can talk about how selfish men are all day and night, but we allow them to get away with that shyt. This has been a great discussion.
I hope women realize that under a egalitarian system, you cannot use your v.agina as a bargaining chip, like you could under traditional standards….
Cause as I am reading all these comments, the underlying message is "I gave you some of my vagina, so you owe me…"
Am I buggin…?'
Super Saiyan To The End
Interesting posts and comments. I don't think the reasoning is an excuse or justification for being such, just bringing awareness to what's out here. At the very least, the veil of ignorance is lifted. Now the veils of stubbornness, stupidity, delusion, and arrogance are things no man can lift or tear open for you; you'll have to do that yourselves. With that being said, stick with the words FIRST, that has to be your standard to measure a man's action by. You can't say that some of these men sold you lies when you went shopping for them and put them in the buggy yourselves. Some of you knew they were lies and took them home with you all the same.
I know that it would be nice if somebody else took responsibility for your emotional well being, but nobody can do it for you except you.
Good post Slim….I've know for a long time that men have felt this way (but most women are hard pressed to fully comprehend this) because many have told me so…and to be honest I feel the same way sometimes….I can be a loner sometimes and I like my "me time" and alone time. So for me this has never been a problem. But for many women like you said they want someone full time, fully engaged, 24/7 (which is not necessarily good) but thats what many women want.
Especially in a marriage…..I know plenty of married men who complain that the only time they get some time away from married life is at work and if and when they can hang out with their boyz.
As a woman just an fyi to women….just like you need a break ladies so do the fella's. Instead of taking it as they don't care just take it for what it is …..they need a break. Doesn't mean the love isn't there or any less at all, just means they need a break. Don't make more out of it than what it is.
When you don't give each other time apart and breaks it can be very harmful to the relationship and then u will be dealing with someone that resents you and just doesn't want to be with you at all because they feel smothered like country chicken fried steak in gravy.
My aunt and i spoke about this the other day, I am a female and I whole heartedly understand . I want all the perks of being in a relationship . . meaning i wanna hang out , jones on the phone , go out , get intimate bht i do not want a relationship . I hate the thought of having obligtions to anyone i want my space when i want it & its as simple as that .
I think that you are entitled to get a girlfriend when you feel like it; anyone that tells you otherwise should keep their opinions to themselves; you don't own us any explanation; but i appreciate you taking the effort to do so; it's more respectable than the standard "im just not looking for anything serious right now";
But it's only fair that most women don't feel like being your "until you're ready" toy, if you can deal with that, they should be able to deal with your choices too.
Where did all the comments go?
This post right here! Having had a man use that very line on me, I've become unfortunately familiar with both the song and the meaning. This behavior and the thoughts behind it are very real. While, I can't deny the pain of it, I must accept it and respect it. I've been that person. However, I find this to be more of a male characteristic than a female one. I wish I could hate this post, but the realist in me will not allow the idealist in me to take it that far. I mean it's only a blog, right??? I just wish men had a sign or name tag or something that said what category they feel into at the beginning. Because the ones who fall into category 2/3 do a good job of acting like they desire a relationship. Then realize all late in the game, wet yssup and heart wide open like WalMarts all over the damn place, that oops they were wrong. Spare me the emotional/mental rollercoaster, pls…it's too damn confusing/draining.
Good post, sir. Good post!
Slim,__You truly showed your mu-phuckin azz with that last pargraph! That last excerpt should be in the single black male's testament. Banging a chick in her Bed and hurrying your way out of her space to your own Bed is a natural phenomenon that sums of the sweet inconsistencies, perplexities and selfish antics of the many decent men out here with decent personalities. This article is is a classic.
P.S. Shout out to the homie Jupiter. L.A. Noire is THAT ISH, lol.
Hate this post with a vengeance. It's definitely true, but also DEFINITELY selfish. Women? If you don't want to be the chick in the post he tagged ("Why Wasn't I Good Enough?"), then stop letting these dudes make your their "sometimes girl". STOP IT! You feel good when you're with them, but somehow always seem to forget that wack part where they DID go home to their own bed and you kinda felt played. STOP IT. The world could use more monks. Better than to be with a dude that thinks a relationship is such a HUGE SACRIFICE.
BOOM! And the crowd screams. Sadly I don't follow the rules
Honest to God, this is some of the worst writing and anti-intellectual rhetoric on the web. There are multiple aspects of the writers personality that are off-putting and ridiculous. First, is his application of intrinsic good of women as a species. Please grow the hell up man.
Excellent post!!
Sadly, My girlfriend and me broke up a month ago. yeah.. i'm young ,handsome,lonely and still hurting.i may be in need of someone to love..still..My friends told me about cougarkissing_ C0M and i got curious about it.. they met their girlfriends there.,It's the best place to meet a older girlfriend . i cant risk myself..So i got a usename(Qcdude) there in order to find a new girlfriend .Is it wrong?Jessica Simpson is fighting the battle of the post-baby bulge, a process she says is slower than she expected.
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I must admit a year later. This is still a great read including the posts. The woman and men held if down. Great debate. Just have to wonder why selfish comes into play when simone knows what they want out of life. If a man says he’s not ready for a relationship and just enjoys kicking it, that’s. woman’s cue to go because if not he’s gonna take it she enjoys kicking it as well. Any female ready for a relationship, marriage , commitment, etc you really can’t be surprised and in awe I after 5 it’s still at 5 ..8 months later. I enjoy having a great time with a guy and he still knows how to treat a women. Imagine meeting a guy who tells you the same thing and only calls when he wants chex. Never go on dates never kick hang or have a good time with. Whom would you rather have, doesn’t seem as selfish when you realize he just knows how to treat a woman.
I think what it boils down to is this: Every post on this site is basically teaching me one thing: men are built a certain way and a woman can't play the game-so you shouldn't.
Men will use the woman's design to work his advantage. Woman–you canNOT play that game so extract yourself quickly before you become damaged goods.
Thus, every situation that a woman went through on this site and in the world–was a direct result of her trying to play the game.