Let’s be clear, I ain’t saying she’s a gold digger…

In the past month a few things have happened, three to be exact; the NFL Lockout ended, all of our enemies are officially “non-muthaf*cking factors”, and the reunion episode of Basketball Wives has aired.  Your first question is, “What does the lockout have to do with anything?” It’s fairly simple, after the NBA Finals ends, every man, every real man immediately stops watching basketball and turns his eyes to the upcoming NFL season.  That includes a heavy analysis of the NFL Draft, Offseason workouts, and ranking your fantasy football players in preparation of the Fantasy draft in August.  Well, with the lockout most men didn’t have a thing to focus on, we were helplessly pandering for something to do with that spare time.  I knew almost immediately that without any real sports to watch many men would fall victim to the fact that in the strangest and rarest happenings involving a man and a woman, the woman could finally “have the remote.” Personally, I decided to figure out what everyone was talking about on Twitter and finally check out some of these shows that flood our Timelines; Basketball Wives, Mob Wives and Single Ladies.  Don’t judge me, offer me an alternative.

In dedication to Basketball Wives and because it’s shot in Miami, DJ Carver the Great blesses us again with, I Bet That B*tch Look Better Red, the Miami-themed Mixtape:

Immediately upon watching one episode of Basketball Wives I said, “Damn Evelyn is easy on the eyes and has that accent thing going.” Three episodes later, I tweeted, “The only way this thing works is because Evelyn Lozada is beautiful.” I hit up a friend who is a faithful watcher and she said, “I don’t think she’s cute at all, plus she’s been around the block.” I didn’t agree, but my response was, “That don’t matter to nobody but women.” Well, what did I mean by that?  It’s simple, “basic broads” ask questions like, “What does Chad see in Evelyn?” Not a single man has ever wondered that, he’s either known or he didn’t care all that much.  Furthermore, a woman on her own grind is more focused on the step ahead, than Basketball Wives Season 3.  I mean, listen to yourselves, when someone asks you who the show is about, you sound like DMX; “Meeka, Juli, Suzie, and Ashley. Shaunie, Evelyn, Jennifer and Royce, a chick named Kim, Gloria and Roman.” I couldn’t keep up…  What I realized after watching a number of episodes of Basketball Wives is that Evelyn Lozada’s life is the fuel that pushes this show foward; love her or hate her, she is the reason we all watch. Then I had to ask myself, why? Why are we all so interested in this moderately attractive, moderately intelligent ex girlfriend of a b-list basketball player with a reputation for sleeping around. I’ve come up with 5 reasons.

1) By most men’s standards — she’s “pretty”

All those under the power of my voice, [passes out chill pills], take two of those, breath, stretch, shake, let it go.  Evelyn is the prototype for pretty.  She’s fair skinned, she’s got that long hair, she’s google fine. (A lot of people didn’t get this, google fine means men will go on the internet just to get pictures of you and stare at them.) However attractive you think Evelyn is, it’s always up for discussion.  You can ask one dude and he’s like, “She’s the toughest one on there.” You can ask another dude and he’s like, “She looks like the predator.” In all honesty, in the Dr. J’s rating system of women on the sole basis of looks, she can be rated no higher than 8.  Not perfect, not only a blemish, pretty, but there is dissention on her standing.  So to me she may be an 8, to another man she may not be, but we can all agree, the majority of men who are mystified by fair skin, long hair and a Spanish accent think she’s “pretty.”

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2) She’s mastered the Art of “#youfirst”

I always liked watching Rev’s House because of Vanessa Simmons, she had the inexplicable ability to let Angela do ALL the work and then come in at the end and take half the credit.  If you want to sum up, Vanessa and Angela’s relationship in a sentence it would be, Vanessa said, “Daddy’s rich, I don’t know why you want to do all that work, but cool, do that and I’ll just show up and be pretty.” Evelyn got some of that in her too.  To be honest with you, it’s because her fame is driven by the men she’s dated and that’s the source of her notoriety, she’s let a man do all the legwork of “How to Make it In America.” She didn’t spend hours in a gym shooting the jumpers, she didn’t spend two-a-days in the gym trying to “get big”, and she didn’t have to build a network from scratch.  She has had a few men in privileged positions do all that work for her.  She just seized the opportunity after the dirty work was done.

3) She’s willing to sacrifice the pie, for the cake

Most women do not have the quan to date a man like Chad.  I don’t know Chad, he seems like a pretty standup guy, but he is a professional athlete and there’s some baggage that goes with that.  We don’t have to name all of that baggage, let’s skip to the main one, “inconceivable access to hoes.” Whether he’s dipping out or not, Evelyn has to know that the possibilities are high.  And it’s better to assume that he is dipping out, than to not assume and end up being surprised by a random paternity suit in the mail.  Evelyn has mastered the ability of “Don’t ask, don’t tell.” The US military rocked out on this strategy for years, fought wars, and won; Evelyn took a hot line and made it a hot song.  She’s managed to somehow sacrifice a slice of pie (cheating) for the big picture (the man).  And as Katt Williams said, “Some of y’all ladies is looking for a 100% good n*gga, and I had a meeting with all these n*ggas in attendance tonight and established that there is no such a n*gga. So stop looking for him. Some of y’all had a 98% good n*gga and y’all got rid of him for 2%. Now you sitting next to a 71% n*gga hoping he upgrade. – You got rid of him for 2%, cause he cheated on you, a little f*cking 2%.”

4) Her strength cometh from the Loin

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Wait a minute, before we get any further do not think for ONE SECOND that Evelyn does not have Uranium between her legs and what did we say in our SBM past, “Any man who is interested in world domination and power knows that he needs some Uranium.” In my head, I imagine that being Evelyn Lozada is like … is like … (I’m trying to capture the equivalent scene for what perfection in bed would be for a man) – It’s probably like being at a Jay-Z concert, where Lil’ Wayne was the opening act, Monday Night Football is playing on the big screen as the Lakers are winning the NBA Championship and a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader is whispering in your ear “the royal penis is clean your highness.” I think I speak for all men in attendance today when I say that Uranium can only be described as, “Makes you want to reach out and grab something that only you can feel.” So yes, please believe me, Evelyn keeps her man satisfied in ways that HE wants to be satisfied.  You won’t see her talmbout, “What did you ask me?  You better go get your mommy to suck your d*ck!” She’s one of those who goes at it with the conviction of a project chick, and grace of a goddess. “This is for the ones who wobble it and be putting they mouth on it, and they suck everything out of it then they catch it and swallow it.”

5) She’s a Spartan, and she knows how to hit her mark

Here’s something about high-profile men that you need to know; they are extremely competitive.  Evelyn has done a tremendous job with her past, she’s put herself on a level that men view her as a fine art.  Fine art is the perfect way analogy.  Fine art has had many owners, but it doesn’t matter who’s had it, it only matters who has it now.  Most heard I was writing this article and he said, “Jay you need more examples.” And I replied, “I got it from here Most, damn…”

There’s Nicole Murphy, Tracey Edmunds, Demi Moore and Pamela Anderson.  These women can pull a guy off of who they’ve been with, because they are all less significant than all the men they’ve dated.  You may argue Demi Moore, but I’ll preemptively tell you that at the time she was dating Bruce Willis, he outdid her, and now that she’s dating Ashton, he’s outdoing her.  So in a lot of ways, you’ve got to credit that Evelyn’s got the ability to target high-profile men, hook them and hook them when they are already under the premise that someone else of a high-profile stature has been with them previously.  Now that’s the Quan.

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Wait, a second though, the real question you should ask yourself is, “why do you care?”

You care because women are inquisitive.  Here’s why you shouldn’t care and you don’t really need to know anything about Evelyn Lozada: All of you here reading SBM today will go on to lead normal if not exceptional lives.  You’re all phenomenal in your own right.  You don’t need a “baller” to complete you, to make you, or to even associate with.  You’ll be the ones who go out and get your own.  Therefore, you’re not part of the “basic b*tch” family who is more concerned about how they can emulate Evelyn, than acknowledging that they don’t have to.  The other reason is because Evelyn doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of her.  She had a good friend give her some constructive criticism and her response, “You are a non-motherf*cking factor!” She definitely doesn’t care what you have to say.

BUT, most important is this from a close female friend of mine whom I love very dearly, “But back to women who date high profile men, none of those relationships are ever monogamous.  There are two types; men who lie and men who don’t.  Men who lie will tell you they love you, introduce you to they mama and girlfriends of their teammates.  Men who don’t will only call you at 3AM, never take you out to dinner and tell you all about their girlfriend.  So the true differentiation is that Evelyn Lozada is the type of chick men want to lie to so she doesn’t go anywhere — at the end of the day, she’s not really winning.  However, when you compare her to the chicks that Ocho is with when he called Evelyn on the phone to say goodnight, she’s winning — but in life, not winning.”

– Dr. J

More information about “I Bet That B*tch Look Better Red”: Tracklist: 1. Best I Thing I Never Had by Beyonce, 2. Novacane by Frank Ocean, 3. Out Of My Head by Lupe & Trey Songz, 4. All I Want Is You by J. Cole, 5. Up All Night by Drake, 6. Did It On Em by Nicki, 7. She Will by Lil Wayne, 8. Headlines by Drake, 9. Bananas by Ray J, 10. Take It Down Low by Akon & Chris Brown, 11. Down On Me by 50 Cent & Jeremih, 12. She Wanna Have My Baby by Game & Trey Songz, 13. Livin Better Now by Jamie Foxx & Rick Ross

*Admin Note*

Save the Date! Next Wednesday, August 31, 2011 – The SBM Fam will be hosting Happy Hour at NYC’s Hudson Hotel from 6-10pm, please RSVP to rsvp@singleblackmale.org for further information and confirmation.