Can You Be Thursday?
Loved by a woman you have but moderate feelings for is one of the more frustratingly difficult places a man can find himself. It is even more frustrating when you’ve specifically told this person not to fall and when you’ve given them ample opportunity to avoid falling. I was reminded of what it feels like to be in this place a couple weeks back when I came across TheWeeknd’s song “The Birds pt. 1” on his latest mixtape “Thursday.” The song is an anthem for the man who is available – as far as his technical relationship status is concerned – but unavailable emotionally and not trying to hide that from the women he engages. Zone out to this joint while you read today’s post:
Hope you see, It won’t mean a thing to me, I’ve been doing this too long. Baby girl, I’ve felt it all. So watch out, if you try to play your luck. Aint nobody gonna care enough to catch you fall.
The concept of being emotionally unavailable is pretty natural for most men. Every guy I know has, at some point decided to check out and withdraw from the spiritual, emotional, and physical commitment that comes with “falling in love.” We do this for various reasons: sometimes it’s because we want to focus on our careers, sometimes we’ve been hurt and are not interested in feeling that again, sometimes we have obligations and responsibilities that for a time will supersede our own feelings and sometimes we just know that for the moment … we ain’t about sh*t. Whatever the reason, being emotionally unavailable is a pretty natural phase that comes and goes for most men. Now the fact that we are emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean that we’re no longer desirous of a woman’s attention and affection. It also doesn’t mean we’ve lost the ability to perceive attractiveness and beauty and it most definitely doesn’t mean we’re no longer interested in sex. We will want all of those things, and we’re still going to work toward getting all of those things. Understanding this is essential to understanding the emotionally unavailable man.
So don’t you fall in love. Don’t make me make you fall in love. Don’t make me make you fall in love with a n*gga like me, nobody needs to fall in love. I swear I’m just a bird. Girl, I’m just another bird. Don’t make me make you fall in love with a n*gga like me. Like me.
One of the biggest sources of confusion around emotionally unavailable men is this myth that emotionally unavailable men are, by nature of their existence, flawed. Women often seem to assume that because a man is single, educated, employed, handsome, possessed with great taste, a great wardrobe and is a generally good guy, he is automatically on the market. This is an absolute fallacy. Good guys check out too – as often, if not more often than not so good guys. As I said in the previous paragraph, just because a guy is emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean he isn’t interested in certain things only found in femininity.
So what are we to do? What’s a good guy to do when he finds himself interested in a woman despite knowing he’s also not ready for something serious? Communicate! The good guy’s answer to everything is effective communication. If we communicate to you, in no uncertain terms, that we’re very interested in you, but not interested in anything serious with anyone, and you choose to proceed, we see that as the green light to be the naturally great guys we’ve always been. This means we’re going to be thoughtful, we’re going to be charming and we’re going to make your friends laugh when you introduce us to them. We’re going to check on you when you’re sick, send you good morning emails and good night text messages. When we go out together, we’re going to do everything we’re supposed to do to make sure you have a good time and if you let us, we’re going to do everything in our power to please you sexually. Why? Because a good guy takes pride in making sure a woman in his company has enjoyed her time with him. Despite our emotional unavailability, that’s still just who we are. And therein lies the rub …
"Loved by a woman you have but moderate feelings for is one of the more frustratingly difficult places a man can find himself."
Try being in love with an unavailable man. It's no party either.
"It is even more frustrating when you’ve specifically told this person not to fall and when you’ve given them ample opportunity to avoid falling."
LMAO…I'm sorry. Just…LMAO. I mean I TOLD her not to fall in love…LOL Yeah because falling in love is a totally rationale, logical, conscious decision made solely with your mind… Man, please.
Ok, I haven't even finished reading yet, but this stuck out to me…now to finish the rest of the post…
starita34: "LMAO…I'm sorry. Just…LMAO. I mean I TOLD her not to fall in love…LOL Yeah because falling in love is a totally rationale, logical, conscious decision made solely with your mind… Man, please."
And so, herein lies the major issue. You (women) claim to want an honest man. We honestly tell you "I dont want a relationship, do not fall in love with me." You (women) completely ignore this sage advice and continue to be with us, despite this clear warning – and then blame us, because naturally all things that lead to a relationship's failure (even one that was never promises) are men's fault. I get it.
BUT
There's only one other option. Lie to you. Get everything we want from you and then break out when we're through with you.
Choose your poison. Just please take some responsibility for the choice you made.
My recent post Prostitution 2.0: I’m Not a Whore
I dont think you have to lie. But dont go in either. If you emotionally unavailable we dont need to be doing more than getting busy in the sheets, and a date here and there. No need to meet friends and all that. Chill. Dont open the doors to potential emotions.
I agree 100%. Let’s be honest, love has no rhyme or reason. As much as we wish we could, ultimately, we have very little control over who we fall in love with. You say your not emotionally available yet, your actions say a different thing. Act accordingly, otherwise you will lead us to believe that you are participating in reverse psychology.
I agree. Women and men are soooo different. You can take a woman out, hang out with her,sleep with her, take her around your friends and not love her. Women are emotional. You can’t do all that and turn around and say “don’t fall in love with me” most women don’t understand that. See and I can’t understand how men don’t fall in love after that
One other option my friend is to LEAVE. US. ALONE.
Just as we have to take some responsibility, so do ya'll. All this we're still going to be the "naturally great guys we’ve always been." We want to "be thoughtful", "charming", "make your friends laugh when you introduce us to them", "check on you when you’re sick", "send you good morning emails and good night text messages". Is not ish you should be doing with a woman that you know wants a relationship with you and you are not available for what she needs. If she LIES to you and says "cool let's be kick it buddies" then you got a case. But if she's telling you that she sees more in you, that she wants you in her future, that she's not trying to be your buddy, then you may just have to deal with the "frustration" of being loved by a woman that you "didn't want to fall in love with you"
even though your actions said something completely different.There are lots of other options, for both sides. Let us not pretend that matters of the heart are simple for either sex by any stretch of the imagination.
How about we both agree to let our words match our actions a lil better.
*lights a candle and starts singing Kumbuya"
Star #YouNeedMorePeople
So, you just gon make up stuff that wasn't in the post?
a woman that you know wants a relationship with you and you are not available for what she needs. If she LIES to you and says "cool let's be kick it buddies" then you got a case. But if she's telling you that she sees more in you, that she wants you in her future, that she's not trying to be your buddy, then you may just have to deal with the "frustration"
Where did you get all of this exposition from? None of this is mentioned in the post. You're projecting homey!
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
Star #YouNeedMorePeople
So, you just gon make up stuff that wasn't in the post?
a woman that you know wants a relationship with you and you are not available for what she needs. If she LIES to you and says "cool let's be kick it buddies" then you got a case. But if she's telling you that she sees more in you, that she wants you in her future, that she's not trying to be your buddy, then you may just have to deal with the "frustration"
Where did you get all of this exposition from? None of this is mentioned in the post. You're projecting homey!
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
Couldnt have said it better myself! Thank you @Star
starita34: One other option my friend is to LEAVE. US. ALONE.
Let me get this straight. Because I'm a good man, my "reward" is to not be able to date women until I'm ready to commit? So good men are supposed to do what in the mean time? Sit around in caves, not dating, until we are ready to commit? Then and only then can we emerge as evolved creatures suitable for dating and commitment?
Or as deejay suggested below, "If you're emotionally unavailable then go get a hooker until you're ready for a relationship."
Yeah….ummm, no.
My recent post First Draft: Maybe I Expect too Much From Love
starita34: One other option my friend is to LEAVE. US. ALONE.
Let me get this straight. Because I'm a good man, my "reward" is to not be able to date women until I'm ready to commit? So good men are supposed to do what in the mean time? Sit around in caves, not dating, until we are ready to commit? Then and only then can we emerge as evolved creatures suitable for dating and commitment?
Or as deejay suggested below, "If you're emotionally unavailable then go get a hooker until you're ready for a relationship."
Yeah….ummm, no.
My recent post First Draft: Maybe I Expect too Much From Love
starita34: One other option my friend is to LEAVE. US. ALONE.
Let me get this straight. Because I'm a good man, my "reward" is to not be able to date women until I'm ready to commit? So good men are supposed to do what in the mean time? Sit around in caves, not dating, until we are ready to commit? Then and only then can we emerge as evolved creatures suitable for dating and commitment?
Or as deejay suggested below, "If you're emotionally unavailable then go get a hooker until you're ready for a relationship."
Yeah….ummm, no.
My recent post First Draft: Maybe I Expect too Much From Love
As I've said before, I'm sure you're a good man Wis, but you aren't marriageable to every woman just because you're a "good man". We do not want to marry every man, You gotta find a chick on your same level. If you're not looking for a relationship, doesn't it make sense that you date women also not interested in a relationship with you?
Isn't that just the same advice you're giving women…date people that want the same thing that you want. If all the ladies that you date are falling in love with you…it doesn't sound like you aren't taking your own advice…
"Because I'm a good man, my "reward" is to not be able to date women until I'm ready to commit?"
You don't get a reward for being a good guy. Just like you apparently don't get a husband for being a good woman. I don't think a dude is REALLY a good guy if he knows he's not ready to commit and still keeps messing with women just for sex. Why not just take a COMPLETE break (sex included), if you're really going through something that requires a break. Sure, it's hard, but good men don't shy away from something just because it's hard (except LOVE apparently. ZING!). You've got to understand that you're not being responsible acting as if you're feeling a girl and then being SURPRISED when she falls for your amazing self. Sorry, but you can have a reward when you're doing the right thing, which y'all know you aren't. That's my opinion, anyway.
Ok.
My recent post First Draft: Maybe I Expect too Much From Love
exactly.
aren't 'good women' told being a 'good woman' doesn't mean you deserve anything?
we all need to stop thinking that any one is owed anything.
be honest with yourself and the rest will follow. (in an ideal world at least)
"Yeah….ummm, no"
really though? If you're emotionally unavailable, what exactly are your reasons for dating?
My recent post Breeding style
ok wrong person, that was for wim.
My recent post Breeding style
I'm emotionally unavailable, not dead. This goes to twism's point. Women seem to think men need to be "fixed" simply because they dont want a relationship. That logic is flawed in itself. You're essentially saying because men do not think like you or want exactly what you want, it is men that are broken. No. I recognize I'm not ready for a relationship, that does not mean I'm not ready to associate with people of the opposite sex – and if you (women) cannot associate with me (men) without wanting both then you should leave me alone, not the other way around. Especially when I have clearly and honestly explained my intent (and emotional limitations) to you from the beginning.
But, but you didn't really answer my question….I don't think emotionally unavailable men need to be fixed, they just need time to get wherever on their own.
All i really wanted to know is: why do you need to date if you're not trying to be in a relationship? To me, the purpose of dating is to find something that you're looking for – and if you aren't really looking for anything, what's the point?
I was also trying to figure out your reason for saying "Yeah….ummm, no" to the hooker proposition but I think Hugh answered that question.
My recent post Breeding style
"All i really wanted to know is: why do you need to date if you're not trying to be in a relationship? To me, the purpose of dating is to find something that you're looking for – and if you aren't really looking for anything, what's the point?"
I'm thinking this is semantics, but if they're "dating" and he's not looking for anything substantial at the moment, he's probably also dating other chicks. Of which, the girl dating him should follow suit.
Cheekie, as always, gets it.
Also, 48, we clearly view "dating" differently. I do not date for the sole purpose of getting into a relationship. When I want to get into a relationship, I look to get into a relationship. This is mutually exclusive from when I simply want to be in the company of a woman or women or date around. That's like saying I only go to the grocery store when I'm hungry. No, I MAY go grocery shopping when I'm hungry or I may just be in the store because I may get hungry down the line. Using this scenario and your/Stars logic, I'm suppose to starve to death simply because I dont feel like eating right now.
Hence my phrase, "Yeah, ummm no."
My recent post Prostitution 2.0: I’m Not a Whore
love the analogy
co sign
Ok – can't say I'm with that, but I totally get it now.
My recent post Breeding style
#Touchdown!!!!
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Ironically, what you've just described is the closest thing to the female version of the Friend Zone. Sucks doesn't it. That feeling of being Ohhh so close, but not quite there or thinking "if only he'd see how good we could be together…" Interesting what we've stumbled upon.
” telling the truth” does not make you a good man and relieve you from all accountability. You want to have your cake and eat it, too. You know full well emotions are not run by the brain. But you think as long as you keep pretending she was notified and therefore, whatever she feels is all on her. Convenient escape. But you are responsible if you act like you are in a committed relationship and she begins to feel something.
I think men like you really want the woman to fall for you. Why? Because the benefits you get (the cake) are much sweeter when she’s emotionally invested. If she took you at your word and uninvested her emotions, you would not enjoy it so much. You’d move on to the woman who is looking for intimacy.
How do I know this? Because I’ve been involved with a lot of men like you. So i have something approaching a sample. Men get really uncomfortable when, after they tell a woman not to catch feelings, she actually doesn’t. When she keeps her other friends and never asks where the relationship is going. There is no conquest, no game. Men say they want this, but when they get it, they go looking for a girl with true love fantasies.
So your get out of jail free card ” i told her” is really a con. A hustle. Some of yall hustle your ourselves.
I'm not sure if you're talking to me or twism, but if you're talking to me…."you dont know me like that", bro.
My recent post Prostitution 2.0: I’m Not a Whore
Yeah, I guess I'm a little confused as to who this is directed to, but I will say if I tell a woman "Don't catch feelings" and she doesn't, the last thing I'm gonna be is "uncomfortable". I say what I want when I know what I want. I don't say I want one thing and then expect you to read my mind as to what I really want.
Wild Cougar, you just accurately described my life! The thing is, the guys on here are essentially trying to get the women to act like men. You're all going "Why can't women understand what we're saying? Why can't they be more like us?" All I can say is, look at all the crimes of passion that are committed. If women started behaving the way men are when it comes to matters of the heart, we'd all end up dead! I've dated guys who explicitly told me they're not looking for a relationship, they just want to date. And I'm happy with it. Except that's not what the guy really wants. Because the moment you start acting all disinterested in a guy, that's exactly the moment he becomes an emotional wreck and wants to get married.
But for me, it's very simple. At some point, women NEED to start taking men at their word. If he tells you right at the beginning that he does not want a relationship and you know you do, keep it moving. Why keep him around and end up falling for him? Then you are no longer able to make rational decisions because you're deeply invested emotionally. This is SO simple to me!
@WIM, Twism. You might be among the few men who want and can handle a woman who is emotionally unavailable. But that would put you in the minority. Most men talk the talk but are not secure enough in their manhood to deal with a woman who can roll with it just like they do. It throws their perceived power off balance. And their identity as men is dependent on dominating women. Being with a woman they have not dominated ( I.e. fooled or conquered), makes the tool go soft.
But you are correct. I dont know you. Just like men like to say, erroneously, all women catchfeelings, I would be erroneous if i said all men can’t handle a true fwb relationship. Just most.
There is a saying in spanish that says: "El que avisa no es traidor" in english is something like: "The one who warns is not a traitor". Let´s keep that in mind girls.
Star as much as I feel you(like in my bones and spirit and everything:D) I gotta agree with the fellas.
"LOL Yeah because falling in love is a totally rationale, logical, conscious decision made solely with your mind… Man, please."
i think once we(women) get over the above, taking appropriate actions needed to protect ourselves will be much easier. Someone tells me or even alludes to the fact that they're unavailable, I run like hell…actually the nicer the guy is, the higher the speed.
My recent post Breeding style
Nice try Mr. User tryiing to justify your narricissm and self-centeredness…….
I agree with you. Women need to value themselves enough not to be with someone who is going take what they can get and just move on. That’s the problem. Lack of self love. If a man is honest about not being available, women need to heed that, if they want something serious. It’s on women. Typically, I’m not interested in something serious with most men. I tell them upfront, I’m not interested in a relationship, much less marriage. Then within a short time they are proposing. They just don’t listen. I’ve been proposed to over a dozen times. I hate that I’ve broken so many hearts, but it was on them. I was honest from the start. True story. It works both ways.
Well i looked to just place a comment but couldnt find it so just tagged onto this … im afraid this emotional unavailability makarky is hogwash . Its true if a guys had a childhood traima etc then thats a physcological condition look it up … this other thing isnt about being unavailable its about choice and about being ready for love which we are all capable . Believe me when a man meets a woman and he feels that connection wham he wants emotional availability and he will lock down that lady fast as anythng . Dont confuse a physcological condition where a guy has childhood trauma stopping him from attatching to just not having met the one and feeling it . Not everyone we date will lead to falling in love and thats male and female . Its life shen it happens we know about it 😀
So- Most- You always seem to be speaking straight to me. Seriously- The facts are theses:
I recently got out of an ordeal with an emotionally unavailable man. I did it because I chose me.
Loving an emotionally unavailable man is painful.
I honestly expected to love him through all that he was going through; I thought if I was there, that would be enough, but it wasn't.
So- I prayed. I encourage every woman to do this, because even though I'm moving on, I know it's going to hurt when he finds love, and it's not me. I've decided to distance myself from him because it's best for me and for my loving someone else again. First, I let it hurt; then, I let it go. I've focused even more on school, work, and me.
I chose me as that emotionally unavailable man has chosen him. I had to be selfish- I had to stop actively loving him because I deserve to be loved deeply and sincerely- I deserve more than empty actions.
Now, I'm dating and I'm taking it very very slowly, but I'm getting what I want and one day I'm going to love again and he's going to love me back…just as much..or perhaps more 🙂
Adele–"Someone Like You" is playing…just fyi… :)) Loving the post.
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It's not being selfish to recognize you deserve to be loved. Recognizing your value doesn't make you self-centered or wrong. You did the right thing, and it sounds like you have the right frame of mind moving forward.
Excellent post.
And men, it's not that we don't know these facts, it's not that we don't listen, it's exactly as Whitty said, "I honestly expected to love him through all that he was going through; I thought if I was there, that would be enough …" and we deem you worthy. It's not about our self worth, it's about our belief in your worth/potential. It's this support that later, in that other chick you chose, you'll respect and cherish – but for whatever reason made you believe that we didn't value ourselves…timing is a bish.
TheWhittiest, you’ve done the right thing. It’s not easy upfront, but you are saving yourself from much more heartache down the line by getting invested in someone who is emotionally bankrupt.
I usually lurk….but this comment sums up my recent situation. Thank you for sharing!
Excellent post (as always)!
Well written….i was in a similar state as you and like you, i loved him and did everything hoping he was going to suddenly become available. It was painful and i always tried to justify his actions and pretended that he would come around. He never did and even though it hurt to get out, i had to do it for sanity
Emotional Unavailable men always communicate something different with their actions so that sometimes makes us think that maybe they are just scared of commitment and need the push
I am done with such men and when a guy says he’s emotionally unavailable, i ALWAYS BELIEVE him
"I am done with such men and when a guy says he's emotionally unavailable, i ALWAYS BELIEVE him"
And with that frame of thinking, you will not be lead astray.
GIRL! I swear you were right on time with this comment! .. This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear!
Thank you Beautiful!
omg i kno exactly how you feel or felt and your post actually helped me.I was in the same situation and it hurt like hell when i saw him with another girl,posting pics on fb and declaring his love for her.I'm still not over him even though its been a gd while because i have trouble lettin go of things(i've realised) and i kept trying to remain friends with him like right after the ordeal which wasnt the greatest of ideas cuz i kept feeling hurt all over again.Because of all that I am now kinda emotionally unavailable to other men for fear of gettin hurt(which isn't fair to the gd guys but it keeps me from gettin hurt by the bad ones so oh well) and feelin the way he made me feel.I am pleased to say however that it hurts less n less as time progresses n i am trying my hardest to get over it MYSELF rather than using other guys to make the pain go away. Tnx for d advice n by the way ur right prayer does help alot 🙂
Thank you Whittiest….
Good for you girl, I had a similar experience and I was so frustrated with him and myself. It lead me into a depression and I aslo prayed for strength to leave him. It took a while to figure everything out and confront him about his coldness, but when I finally found the courage; I put 2 and 2 together and found closure and peace. I’m still working through some of the negative feelings that I still hold against him, but I have to say that I’ve learned quite alot about myself as well as men. Now I am happily single and focused on the more important aspects of my life. And thanks to this THESIS, I have gained even more understanding of what I went through. Thank you.
"If a douche-bag dude treats a woman like trash, but tells her he loves her ten times a day, she’ll ignore his actions and fall in love with his words. But if a good guy treats a woman the way she deserves to be treated while telling her he can’t love her right now, she’ll ignore his words and follow his actions to oblivion."
I just can't understand these women.
Just understand that a woman wants to be loved.
Ok I'm sorry about that post … on what a woman wants. I just don't like having my motives and my morals questioned when I am emotiontionaly unavailable, but want to have ongiong nights out with a cool man and have very vigorous sex afterwards. Oh, and then go home and not call him for a week or so. Like, because I have other things to get to.
My best friend has just announced her wedding with a millionaire. They met via ) ==== cougarkissing_com ==== ( It's the best place to meet rich successful men & classy beautiful women. Our members include CEOs, pro athletes, doctors, lawyers, models, and celebrities….Maybe you can take a try.
My best friend has just announced her wedding with a millionaire. They met via ) ==== cougarkissing_com ==== ( It's the best place to meet rich successful men & classy beautiful women. Our members include CEOs, pro athletes, doctors, lawyers, models, and celebrities….Maybe you can take a try.
I think the problem is like stated above women believe what they want to believe which transcends into creating unhealthy situations for themselves where emotions somehow just take over. (I have been there and was also forewarned HA). HOWEVER the problem is (i think anyways) if a honest guy is upfront with you to begin with somehow that generates respect between the two of you (IN THE FEMALE BRAIN THIS IS!!!), now considering it is a known fact that women are emotional based, if the same dude approaches you acting all sweet and wanting to treat you as you deserve blah blah blah you assume because he has been honest with you his intentions are somewhat true, hence the thinking that often occurs that potentially that specific girl can be the one to change him. So if a guy tells you this in future ladies just be straight ask him what he exactly wants with you! and depending on your morals well take it from there….
….Oh and for all the emotionally unavailable guys who think a girl of interest is most likely to fall in love be honest and lock it off, your grown enough to sense this type of emotion in a chick (as we women can sense when a guy where not exactly into is whipped). Do what you state on the tin chuck..and become emotionally unavailable!
Great post! I believe once upon a time I was almost that girl
minus the I don't want anything serious with you but he turned out not to be that guyand he fell in love with me. I'd like to think of myself nowadays as this emotionally unavailable woman… I see you trying to get anything close to me and I exit stage left with the quickness. But one thing I've learned is to pay very close attention to what he says, look at his actions and remember what he says before unnecessary shenanigans happen. Damn these foolish hearts that leave busted windows in cars. I'll just continue on my path of career and stay far, far away for my sake and theirs. However, I wonder in the rare case that that emotionally unavailable man falls in love with this women, what does that mean for/to him? That he wasn't emotionally unavailable at all or… what?after all*
we dont "fall in love"….that hurt just to type….with anyone. however, the chase takes over and then boredom sets in…on to the next one…yes, JUST LIKE THAT!
"It’s because men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself."
That, right there, hurt my heart a lil' bit. =( It truly sucks learning that out the hard way, but to have someone just lay it out in black and white is just… Ugh. I cringed.
As someone mentioned earlier, women like to "keep hope alive" once a relationship is ending, especially if during that relationship she felt like she somehow helped you to become a better man. She wants to see the fruits of that labor. Like, when you finally are ready to settle down one day, you'll choose her because she was "the one" who was able to change your mind. Sadly, this only happens in movies. Whatever. We like fairytales… I can't even get all my thoughts together right now. But yeah, words and actions need to match.
Paragraph 6 was a knife to the heart…I've heard if before, I'll hear it again, but it hurts ev.er.ay. time. Like take your breath away hurts.
"It’s because men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself."
Powerful words….I had to sit and read this several times. I cosign with everything you said here!
Just don’t let the effed up backwards way he assigns value change what you know about true value. Because a real man knows the difference. These men know they are selfish and will only act responsibly if forced. So they will only value mama in a younger body. They have no self control. They figure if you mess with them the way they are, you must be as low as they are. They dont understand selfless love, they think its stupidity and low self esteem.
There are better men.
it is true…and as time passes those values evaporate! then BOOM, fairytale is OVER!!
"But if a good guy treats a woman the way she deserves to be treated while telling her he can’t love her right now, she’ll ignore his words and follow his actions to oblivion."
Can you really blame us for doing that? I think that if a man is emotionally unavailable he should not even try it. The most we can do is be fck buddies. I will see you when I see you and keep it moving. We dont need to be playing house just so that I can fall in love and then you leave me brokenhearted. If you dont want me to fall in love, dont do shyt that will make me fall in love. Except sex! By all means go all out on that! LOL
I may be one of the only dudes out there that doesn't believe in f*ck buddies. Has and will never be my thing. There's just something about pump-n-leave that makes it really unfulfilling. Not what this post is about, but the thoughts were in my head.
My recent post Be Careful Who You Clown
I may be one of the only dudes out there that doesn't believe in f*ck buddies. Has and will never be my thing. There's just something about pump-n-leave that makes it really unfulfilling. Not what this post is about, but the thoughts were in my head.
My recent post Be Careful Who You Clown
I may be one of the only dudes out there that doesn't believe in f*ck buddies. Has and will never be my thing. There's just something about pump-n-leave that makes it really unfulfilling. Not what this post is about, but the thoughts were in my head.
My recent post Be Careful Who You Clown
Inadvertently this article is about f*ck buddies although not the womans intention but if the man is not willing to commit emotionally whats left?
Honestly if he was treating like just an f buddy just D no dates no nothing you would be calling him a dog (not you personally but women). If a guy is a nice guy why should he have to change his character because he's going through something’s? He communicated his stance presented to a Grown Woman and she had the chance to say no thank you or enjoy the ride. Just because he’s not looking for a relationship doesn’t mean he doesn’t like companionship. What’s wrong with a man treating you nice, and having a good time with him without a commitment coming behind it? To me the emotional unavailable man is like the rebound man or the friends zone man that most woman have that she would never be serious with (or let see her panties) but she calls when she’s down or goes out to lunch with for company or has a good time with when she’s had a bad situation with another male.
The only emotionally unavailable men I have a problem with are the ones who act like their open then get in a relationship with you and shut down or your dating them and their just playing games and using the whole emotional unavailable thing as a cover.
I think you make a valid point when you bring out the rebound guys and the friend zone. Both which I think are to some extent involuntary reactions to the cycle of life. Personally I would only deal with someone who told me he was emotionally unavailable is I was also emotionally unavailable. From experience, I know that is not a good idea to do otherwise. Some men are not genuine, they either claim to the emotionally unavailable and they change the rules in the middle of the game, and others know they are EU but they dont share that information. I think if a man put this information out there the woman decides her own fate. I mean is all fun and games until someone catches feelings.
The friendzone comparison isn't valid AT ALL because women DONT HAVE SEX WITH men they put in the friendzone. There is ZERO attraction there and a woman's behavior reflects that. Women rarely if ever have sex with men they don't value, THAT is the big difference here.
Um, if I may interject…being polite does not make one a nice person. If not quite the contrary; most ruthless criminals the world has seen were gentlemen/ladies of a polite nature…just saying. Don’t let the antics fool you.
Yes, by all means go all out with the sex! Women can turn on and off their emotions, the smart ones recognize and actually do listen when a man tells them "they're not ready for a relationship"! I've just told a guy he was "emotionally unavailable" due to his circumstances. He said he wanted to be friends, I told him that would be a little difficult since we've crossed that line so why not keep sex only? He couldn't believe I suggested it! LOL I mean, why not? The sex between us is soooo compatible and sensual and I know what NOT to expect out of him.
Damn. This post >>>
I hope the women pay attention and take heed to the advice and tips given
but I doubt it.And for the fellas, have you been here before? Have you gone through a phase where you were emotionally unavailable. What caused it? Yes. A mix of heart break, general disinterest in a serious commitment and to be honest, the knowledge that I could could find a serious commitment whenever I felt like it.
What did you tell the women you became interested in during that time and how did those relationships turn out? That I was not looking for anything serious. They promptly ignored me and I cant think of one that didnt become frustrated because the relationship did not progress beyond what I told her it would not progress beyond.
Most importantly, when and if you came out of it, did you go back to her? No. In some cases she was in the forefront when I came around but in most cases, she was not. It's sort of like staying in the decent job you dont plan on having forever, even though you know eventually you're going to leave and go looking for the CEO career-position after you've improved your resume.
My recent post First Draft: Maybe I Expect too Much From Love
"I could could find a serious commitment whenever I felt like it."
Oh, to be a dude. How lucky you are that it really doesn't matter about who the woman is, just whether you want her at the time you meet her. Women may be the gatekeepers of sex, but men are the gatekeepers of commitment. My bitterness exists because so many men share this sentiment.
@KatWebb84: “Women may be the gatekeepers of sex, but men are the gatekeepers of commitment.”
Great quote. If true, perhaps women should be as stingy with sex as men are with commitment? Hmmm.
Thanks, but I didn't come up with that quote. I don't know who said it first, but it wasn't me, although I've known the sentiment for a while. Maybe VSB?
I DEFINITELY agree women need to withhold sex, although I wouldn't call it being stingy, I'd call it being smart. Expecting dudes to take the responsibility when it's clear most won't where sex is concerned, is not good investment of your "resource". If what you want is commitment, then you've got to hold out. By the way, women used to KNOW this until they bought into dude's propaganda that to want "more" meant we were too caught up in fairytales. If that's true, don't bother calling unless you're Prince Charming.
@Wisdom
have you…or how many guys do you know make commitments to women that withhold sex? Just wondering.
Have I withheld sex? Yes, I have stopped having sex with men that made it clear they were not interested, or dated men and let them know that I had no interest in getting sexual immediately, once they started making their "moves".
I am single. I think that's less a result of it being a bad idea as of not meeting many men who are interested in more than sex. I do live in NYC, after all.
But anyway, "withhold" might not be the right word. I'm not suggesting you give men an ultimatum and say, "If you don't call me your gf, you can't have the cookie." I'm suggesting that if they have no interest in committing to you (even down the line), that you not invest yourself even physically in these men.
@Tea: Honestly? Yes, but not many. BUT that premise is flawed. So, because men don’t predominately commit to women who withhold sex that means you’re not going to do it? That means you’re letting a man dictate what is best for you. Men, as is evidenced by this circular conversations we are engaging in, don’t let women dictate what is best for them so why should you let a man control you like that? If you withhold sex and he leaves or doesn’t commit, GOOD GOT DAMN RIDDANCE. He obviously only wanted one thing from you OR he didn’t think you were important enough in his life to get to know you beyond the physical. Why would you want a man like that in your life?
#PleaseRespond
My recent post Prostitution 2.0: I’m Not a Whore
Good riddance is how I feel, but when you're single for a while, even for the right reasons (because no one of substance has approached you), as a woman, strange things happen.
I remember I went to an open mic about a month ago. I am basically a regular, as I sing and it gives me the chance to do it in a different space.
Anyway, the host always jokes that the women need to be all dolled up and so I was. I seriously looked good. So good if not ONE dude said anything, I'd STILL know I looked good.
But several dudes did, including one that was very persistent but unappealing and because I was by myself, early, and waiting for the event to start, I spoke to him.
He asked where my man was and, because I wasn't quick enough, I told the truth that I was single. And you know what his response was?
"Are you difficult? A beautiful woman like you and you're single? You must be difficult."
Obviously, our convo didn't go much further. You're labeled as difficult nowadays if you don't have a man, it seems. AND, I think you're labeled as difficult if you're not a DTF chick and want more than a fun night, like commitment, marriage, family, the whole nine.
And I said to the dude, "I guess I am." Because I want ALL of that. And getting all of that is CLEARLY going to be DIFFICULT. Does that mean I'm advocating settling for these EU dudes (whether legit or a con) and giving it up just so you can say you're dealing with someone?
HECK NO. I claim my difficulty, and hope there's a dude out there who's not like the rest, not just looking for the easy way out. We shall see…
@Wisdom
Yes honestly. I was just wondering.
I'm not suggesting that men should dictate what's good for women but trying to communicate and understand men better (today's generation) proves futile when one second you hear (from the same guys you are trying to understand):
DONT wait (1. cause you (the female) likes sex too and 2. CAUSE RARELY WILL YOU HEAR A DUDE SAY HE WILL MAKE A GIRL HIS GIRL BEFORE TAPPING THAT)
…then the next second you hear,
WAIT (1. it doesn't matter if you like sex as much the guy, 2. waiting means youre a good respectable girl, 3. waiting will lead to a serious relationship).
I have had 3 boyfriends before…2 made me their girlfriend before we ever had sex just because they were feeling me that much…not because I was holding out (the other one within a week of our 1st time). But, I have have a decent amt of guy friends and girl friends with guy friends and most (as in 99% of the guys) would say, if a girl makes them wait, they are out within a month or two. That's just reality (I thought)…correct me if I'm wrong.
I'm a researcher, but trying to understand this phenomena leaves me mostly confused.
First, I agree with everything @KatWebb84 said. And maybe that's the point. You should do what's best for YOU. If you can have sex with no strings attached, by all means, do you. If you cannot disassociate your feelings from your loins, then by all means, don’t have sex until you have a commitment.
What I’m seeing here today is a lot of people (men and women) are looking to blame the opposite sex for their own self-imposed mistakes. I cannot state this anymore clearly, that is stupid. Do what is best for you and stop assuming, hoping, or whatever else, that other people will look out for you. You need to look out for you first and foremost. Some folks here cant even get the basics. You want to run so bad but haven’t even mastered crawling.
My recent post Prostitution 2.0: I’m Not a Whore
"perhaps women should be as stingy with sex as men are with commitment?"
right.
and how does that work out for the women that do that?
pls reference all of the internet (SBM posts included) that forcasts the perils of women doing that..
dammed if we do. dammed if we dont.
@Keisha, exactly
I've lost more than a couple men like that…good ones…
It's my decision, for me, and it's not changing, but it blows. It's not easy to find a wonderful, attractive, charismatic man that is willing to wait for marriage to have chex again when he's getting panties thrown at him every day.
Grandma always told me that if he can't wait until you are ready, he ain't worth it honey. Why would ANY woman want to give herself to a man that won't get to know HER before having s3x with her. Meaning, you are just a organic beat at best.
If he can't wait….he isn't worth your time and energy. If he leaves, let him or do women FEAR being alone. Some women even worry about the next chick getting the man…for me…the next chick can HAVE HIM.
Word😂
If you KNOW the woman is gonna fall in love with you (because that's what we do), then don't even start with the relationship. If you're emotionally unavailable then go get a hooker until you're ready for a relationship.
A hooker? Like, you mean… a prostitute? Really?
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
I'm assuming this was tongue-in-cheek, but WOW. Honestly though, are you implying that women hold no responsibility in the matter? If I were to say I'm not emotionally available and/or looking to be in a relationship, That's Your Out! That's the point where you say, "hey, I can't do that" and bounce. But when you stay, you're implicitly saying you agree with the Terms and Conditions. So at what point are you as a grown woman responsible for your actions and decisions? If you know you're gonna fall in love ('cause that's what you do) why stay?
Sir, watch for the fine print that they add.
I agree with Twism… If a man can be honest and communicate that he isnt emotionally availabe then its up that women to decide if she wants to stay or not. Me personallu I cant stay. Most women are emotional and when it comes to intimacy thats where the emotions start to come out because we are sharing apart of us that we cherish. So I would be the women to bounce and not try to risk it and get hurt..
We “stay” because we want, not always need, to be physically and emotionally connected to ya brothers!
That's the whole thing, we don't know the woman is going to fall in love with us. Several women can do it without falling in love. But YOU do know if YOU will fall in love. If YOU'RE emotionally incontinent, then the onus is on YOU to stay away.
And to ask the obvious question regarding getting a hooker: why pay for something you can get for free? Just as a woman who knows she can't have $ex with strangers for pay would never become a hooker, don't have $ex with emotionally unavailable guys if you know you're going to fall in love.
Thanks Hugh.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
I'm sorry guys, but this "We don't know she will fall in love with us" crap is soooo cry me a river right now I can't even deal. Thats like striking a match and being dumfounded by the resulting fire! O_O Where did that come from?! Yall do all of the good guy stuff Most described, and then "What?! Why on EARTH did she fall in love?! How dare she enjoy my considerate actions?! The NERVE!!! "
Maybe @deejay was being dramatic with the hooker stuff, but the core of the comment GOES HARD! Yall are grown men who been around the block wayyy more than most of us women. You're not DUMB. You know which chicks are "DTF" and are least likely to catch feelings, cuz they do it regularly. They are NOT hard to spot! Go eff with them and LEAVE the good gurl/relationship types ALONE! Am I saying she's completely innocent in this? Nope, cuz she's not. But whether you'd like to admit it or not, you already KNOW you're playin with fire.
So because we're good guys, we should marry the first decent woman we date because she'll catch feelings?
I should also add that we're not the ones crying the river.
Thank you Hugh. Why would there even be a need for a river to be cried? lol Men are getting everything we want out of the situation, aside from some annoying emotional blowback. We are simply trying to advise the women how to avoid getting hurt or get what they want out of the situation and they have gone HAM trying to prove us wrong.
But hey, yall keep on doing yall. What do us men know about being men. Nothing, I guess.
"What do us men know about being men. Nothing, I guess."
Streetz said it, WIM. They don't care what we have to say apparently.
Hearing you doesn't mean that we have to agree with you.
And ya'll know what it is to BE men, we know what it is to DATE men.
We are simply trying to advise the women how to avoid getting hurt or get what they want out of the situation and they have gone HAM trying to prove us wrong.
I could take all the advice of male blog writers, commenters, twitter followers, 3D friends..and honestly it's still always going to be situational.
I haven't gotten though all the comments, but what it seems to boil down to is that
a) everyone needs to take personal responsibility
b) things are not as black or white (RIP MJ) as men are presenting it to be here.
I know not 1 person on earth who can voluntarily and honestly fall or stop from falling at will.
I dont expect men to stop dating (or to use WIM's analogy, stop eating), but as you've been preaching self-responsibility… please stop pretending that the simple 'warning' of dont fall for me, is where it ends. we're told to listen to your words AND look at your actions. if they aren't congruent with each other, then of course we'll choose the more attractive option. if they are consistent, then yes..it's up to the woman to walk away.
but can we also stop ignoring, that it's men that do the approaching? if you are emotionally unavailable and continue to pursue emotional creatures (irrationally and illogically so according to many a blog) – then it is you who should also proceed with caution and are the cause. the 'fallout' is the effect.
aMEN, ms. keisha!
the bottom line is that these so-called "emotionally unavailable" men like to THINK that they are "good guys" because they don't beat or cheat, but the bottom line is that, despite all of their "good treatment," they are STILL mistreating women — AND they are not REALLY emotionally unavailable either.
TRULY emotionally unavailable people are not very likeable. most men that this guy is describing are not emotionally unavailable, they're just not interested — until they are.
like keisha said, relationship finding is not black and white. there are some people who are ALL in, ALL the time. there are some people who are not interested at all, but like to play the game just for the benefits. and there are folks in between, like these guys, who are interested in being in a relationship "one day," but are in no rush to find one. BUT, also like keisha said, there is not ONE person who can voluntarily STOP falling in love when that emotion hits — i don't care HOW focused you are on career, other obligations, having been previously hurt, etc. when the RIGHT person comes along, that's all she wrote!
(continued from below)
(continued from below) the problem is not, therefore, that these men are emotionally unavailable. they are just not focused on finding or being in a relationship, like many women often seem to be. if these men were TRULY emotionally unavailable, the f-buddy thing would be perfectly acceptable beCAUSE they would not care to treat the woman well. but these men want companionship — which is why they approach the nice girls and why they are able to treat them well. they are open to relationships, they are just not pressed.
the REAL truth is clearly explained towards the end of the article and is the bottom line — for both men AND women — in most healthy relationships: "…men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself. If you’ve been giving us all of you while requiring nothing more than our bare minimum then that negatively affects how much we believe you value yourself and we know in our heart we can never be with you. No matter how much we want to, we can’t build up the motivation to give you everything if we know you’ve been content with us giving you barely anything."
(continued for the last time 😉
so, here's the thing — to quote keisha one last time, EVERYONE needs to take personal responsibility. ladies, reSPECT yourselves!! i had an older woman (who is still fly and NEVER lonely) tell me that it does not take a man five years to figure out whether or not he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. if you are interested in settling down one day, be honest about that — with yourSELF first — and don't waste your precious time!
and gentlemen, while this type of man is definitely not to be put in the "dog" category, he is also not really worthy of the "good guy" title either. the "i was honest — i told her i wasn't in love with her" line is just a way to cover himSELF, not HER! if he was truly interested in being a "good guy," as opposed to just reaping the benefits of being one, he would not stay in a relationship with a person who is OBVIOUSLY all in when he already knows that she is not "the one."
@Hugh I think Streetz was dead on when he said reading comprehension capabilities are pure trash sometimes on this site.
"So because we're good guys, we should marry the first decent woman we date because she'll catch feelings?"
WHOOOOOO SAID THAT?!?!?! Like dead serious I'll pay you to point out where I even MENTIONED MARRIAGE AT ALL!!!! Now I'm all up for intelligent debate and you are welcome to disagree with my opinion, but what you are NOT welcome to do is put words and viewpoints in my mouth that I never expressed. Thanks.
My point was that yall tend to see 2 females, know one of them is DTF because honestly their reputations tend to proceed them, and know one of them is more of a relationship type, yet STILL go for the latter, knowing what you know. My simple question is, why? It just seems cruel to me…
First of all, for someone who is a regular here to say I lack reading comprehension capabilities is absolutely laughable.
A little embellishing, but the main point still stands and you have not addressed it, much less refuted it. Y'all are getting hot because the man is choosing to end the "relationship" instead of continuing it (not necessarily to marriage, but you are still saying the guy is wrong for ending the relationship instead of progressing it).
Ok, this has gone left. Note that I said reading comprehension skills are trash sometimes. Once again, I didn't say in general yours are, nor was my point to offend you. I just needed you to understand that what you seemed to comprehend from my particular comment, was simply incorrect, I dont feel that way. Far from.
"Yall are getting hot because the man is choosing to end the relationship…you are still saying the guy is wrong for ending the relationship…"
Really? Again, I just don't recall saying this Hugh. I'm starting to think your comments were directed at someone else's thoughts…
I actually agree with that point. If you see me catching too many feelings, by all means I'd prefer the hurt of getting cut off before I love you than after I do. Recovery time is reduced in the former by about 75%…
OK, let me start over.
I’m discussing my original point that you commented under. The logical extension of falling in love is advancing the relationship, because the woman feels the casual one is inadequate. I'm addressing the desired relationship. You are addressing the feelings.
You’re right, I was addressing the general female attitude. Nicely caught.
However, it maybe was lost in the other comments, but I did address your question of the two different types under my “important note”. How are we to know which of the “2 different types of women” a woman is when we just met? Especially if she agrees to be part of a casual relationship? Those feelings don’t exist yet.
continued
Now that you've addressed the hyperbole, address the substance. If you are "more of a relationship type", why in the name of chicken and biscuits would you get involved with a guy that says, "I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP"? If a man and woman agree to strictly a casual relationship and not to catch feelings, that's the agreement. (IMPORTANT NOTE: the two just met, and no one has caught feelings yet, so no one can say they are going after someone who is "more of a relationship type"). If feelings change, then the terms of the agreement are voided. This is not the fault of the other person. The appropriate action is for the person catching feelings is:
1. Say they are catching feelings, and say they can't continue a casual relationship.
2. Say they are catching feelings, and ask if they can advance their relationship. If not, then those are the breaks.
3. If those two options are unpalatable, stay in your lane and don't get involved in a casual relationship. And more importantly, don't blame your feelings on the other person.
You're right on this point here. If a female is a relationship type, she should absolutely run from guys who blatantly state they dont want one. I wont even argue with you there. That responsibility is ours.
My point, however is that I also think men should do their best to just avoid the situation as well. Keshia and I both said it above. Yall arent dumb enough not to know how your actions may send a message to a woman that conflicts with what you told her. Why is it so wrong for us to prefer that your words and actions give the same message? And if that small feat is too difficult for you to comply with, why not take Slim's advice and find an emotionally unavailable woman? Win/Win.
Btw I've addressed your points, but you didn't address my question about your choice between the 2 different types of women…
Cause there is no thrill in sticking with DTF women. They enjoy emotionally seducing the woman, then claiming innocence when she cries foul. It’s how the game is played.
I do believe this is part of it. The challenge of obtaining a woman that wants more, even when they don't. Women of substance who'd like a relationship of substance will always be valued more than DTF women, even by men who have no business with anyone but DTF women.
THIS. The plain and simple truth. And for all the mental acrobatics these dudes are going through to justify their BS, it all comes down to this: these types of emotionally unavailable men are really just selfish bastards who love "the challenge of obtaining a woman that wants more, even when they don't."
Greatest SBM name of all time!
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
Sad but true. Some women forget the lessons our moms taught about why would a man buy the cow if he can get the milk for free. It's easy to blame others when it comes to matters of the heart. Relationships are so messed up these days. People are filling the emotional void with meaningless sex and ignoring the primal needs to fill that void so they except what ever. Millions of people yet everyones lonely…smh.
Cheers
My solution for this is when she's fallen, take your space and walk away. Let her know that you know, and its not mutual, not right now and probably not in the future. We have a habit of wanting to keep hope alive, like "he'll be ready soon". But for me it was always easiest to walk away when a man told me exactly what it was, in plain english, no miscommunication.
With that said, it would be nice if we could walk away BEFORE this conversation, or adjust our emotions as needed. That is the goal, but not always the result. Therefore, whenever a guy keeps it 100 with me, I'm forever grateful. People always say women can't handle the truth, but usually the men just can't handle giving it, in my experience. I'll feel however I feel but the truth takes the weight off.
People always say women can't handle the truth, but usually the men just can't handle giving it, in my experience.
Because they don't wanna lose the benefits…understandable, but let's not place ALL the blame on the women…
Emotional unavailability should equal unavailable period. While I agree that the state of mind is in fact real, I feel that a man that is emotionally unavailable is acting in a selfish manner when making himself available in other areas to a woman. The truth of the matter is that while there are many women who would claim that they can be in the same state of mind, most women are not. Even if they have just gotten out of a relationship or if they have a busy life, or what have you, most women are looking for a companion that can fulfill an emotional need. For example, I am a woman that is way too busy for a relationship right now and in the past I have found my self emotionally detaching myself from relationships or unwanted boyfriends, but part of the reason for doing so is because when I discover that the relationship/friendship/just kickin it or whatever you call it is not meeting my emotional needs that I have no use for it.
We live in a time where women are independent and dont desire a man to be breadwinners, and handymen anymore. I make my own money, I have my own place, I drive my own car, and I put together and fix any and everything that needs it around my house. Therefore, Im sure many women would agree that to have an emotionally unavailable man to deal with at the end of any busy woman's day is so unattractive and serves no purpose to us. Especially because we are wired differently then men are. We may not be looking for a husband or long term mate, but we want one and when we meet the man that does all the right things and says all the right things, how are we to look past that and be considerate of the emotional unavailability? I dont think we should have to. I think a man should say upfront that he is not available at all if this is the case.
I will say in man's defense that women need to have some boundaries set for themselves as well. They should not be disappointed if they agree to deal with someone under such terms with the motives to change things and it doesnt happen. I see this happen many times as well and it never works. Women too often get hurt behind their own choices and their own willingness to settle for less than they are worth or less than they are looking for. If you are in the market for a long term relationship, dont get involved with someone who uses emotionally unavailable as a reason not to commit. Its just another way of saying, I have not dealt with or gotten over the feelings from someone or something in the past and if he hasnt done that then he shouldnt be bothered with anyway.
I feel that a man that is emotionally unavailable is acting in a selfish manner when making himself available in other areas to a woman.
And on the flip side, isn't it selfish for a woman to subject all of her emotional fortitude on an unwanting man and then turn around and call him the bad guy when things come to a head. Both sides have motives and neither side outweighs the other. I don't think the man is in the wrong at all, given he's stated his intent, so stop painting him as the "bad guy" just to salvage your ego.
@DOA, agreed.
My recent post Happy Birthday MJ. You Are Missed.
I never painted a picture of the man being a bad guy. I also addressed women as well and I feel that both parties play a role. However, I stand on what I said about men being selfish. “unwanting man?” Well if a man is unwanting then he shouldn’t want in other areas like I said. He shouldn’t want or accept a woman that is willing to put herself out there like that. I’ve been an “emotionally unavailable” woman before, but lots of time has passed and I’ve grown up. If my emotions arent available then Im not available at all. Men and women should deal with their emotional issues on their own time. Don’t waste anyone elses. Lack of emotional involvement really only leaves physical involvement and while some don’t have a problem with that, I personally do.
@Top5DOA Totally agree. I mean as a woman, we’re not stupid. People say you can’t control who you love, but you can walk away from someone who explicitly tells you they will never love you. I mean, if you were shopping for a car and found one that was beautiful and had great MPG, but the salesman said “this car will wreck and put you in the hospital,” would you not walk away from it? I hate when women act like their emotions and feelings are impossible to control. I am speaking as someone who had been in that situation.
I do agree that men who are emotionally unavailable she try to look for women on their level (and there are women who are), but life isn’t always black and white and s$&t happens.
Ahhh damn, can we remind the emotionally unavailable to use protection? Bareback, so nasty (in a good way) spreads disease and makes babies. We need to keep unparented waifs to a minimum in our communities. We need to find a way to stop the hurt and bad feelings. Ahhhh damn, can we recreate some taboos to protect us from one another?
I think it is selfish for men to say upfront they aren't looking for anything (emotionally unavailable) but then soaks up someone else's love and affection given to them. If you are unavailable stop looking…. Take yourself off the market completely. Or better yet date a woman who emotionally won't care about you either!
*applauds*
It’s not always so clear cut though…I started seeing this guy. We both agreed we didn’t want relationships. Then he TOLD me he was into me…. Did all the things boyfriends do (including driving down to see me for 30 minutes to cheer me up and one night took 2 buses and walked to my house at 3am in the morning), shared his vulnerabilities with me. He also got angry once because he thought I was using him for sex. Started saying things like by December we’ll be very serious; and called himself my boyfriend – all this while I was still hesitant.
The week before it ended he came on stronger; started every conversation in the morning telling me he missed me etc and the night before told me he adored me. Next day Mr man says ‘I don’t want a relationship’.
Contd…
I think subconsciously I knew- I never let him take pictures of me and he had to beg me before I slept over at his place. Ok in all fairness I was holding back but imagine how hard it would have been for me to deal with if I had let myself go- luckily the day before he ended things I decided within myself to stop holding back. Lucky escape. I still miss him (well the him I used to know) and I think about him. I’m glad for having had him in my life- he really did make me happy and maybe there are things I could have done better but that’s all in the past.
Long story short… Don’t take chances on emotionally unavailable men changing their minds. Just leave it at that; if it is meant to be, they will look for you when they are available. LoL
One thing is for sure…these emotionally unavailable men have definitely created a monster. They've taught me well, and hence this game is well played by yours truly as well. Creating a unfortunate vicious cycle.
But yes, this post is the story of my life. If that means that I'm addicted to pain, then that is unfortunate.
What I do find compelling is that, when said woman decides she's had enough and burns bridges, these emotionally unavailable men come back with a quickness…effectively keeping the woman on a nice little string. I've learned my lesson.
But, of course, I do believe in the universe balancing things out…and his day will come.
Good post!
"when said woman decides she's had enough and burns bridges, these emotionally unavailable men come back with a quickness…"
I'm actually going through this right now. I found myself starting to catch feelings for my emotionally unabailable FWB and decided that it could be no more. I straight up told him how I was feeling and told him either we could move forward and have a relationship, or we had to end it. This girl is way to smart to allow herself to fall victim to a man who is unavailable.
My whole thing is, WHY do they continuously keep coming back? This coming back behavior is what drives women insane! We've both been honest with each other, so why try coming back into the picture if you are still not emotionally ready for a commitment?
Because they want to be unavailable to a woman who wants more. It’s a power trip, nothing more.
Yeah, dudes DO have a way of knowing when you're moving on. That's when they ALWAYS come back for one last hurrah (sp?). Don't backslide in those cases.
And that's what my mother keeps telling me:
"Don't let those men turn you into a bad person. Their karma will catch up to them and your day will come."
I sure hope she's right.
Men lie. To themselves the most. They want conquest and power more than anything else. They want to win. What is winning? Emotionally seduce a woman out of her panties and heart. And keep your heart intact. A woman who will give up the panties and keep the heart wont do. Because she’s not being fooled. But make sure you tell her what you are doing beforehand so when you break her heart and leave for a new conquest, you can maintain the good guy image which is necessary for success in this type of game. Got your sex, won her heart, broke it, then escaped smelling like a rose. That is winning.
OMG, I LOVE this post and totally AGREE! It is sad and an ugly mutation of dating, but it's what's the norm, at least in the circles I run in. I'm looking for new circles. Anyone know where men that aren't like this hang in NYC? 🙂
im sorry this just isnt true.
no one cares about the heart, we just want the panties and they aren't enough smuts in the world, so we lie.
Definitely been here and I was having this conversation recently.
I don't think there's anything an emotionally unavailable man can do to stop a woman from falling for him — particularly if he's regularly sleeping with her. Wait, I take that back. He can not sleep with her or cap the number of times he sleeps with her. I think we've seen that even with communication and an "agreement" that people are ultimately still gonna want what they want.
The best thing an emotionally unavailable man can do is find an emotionally unavailable chick. Perhaps we should start throwing emotionally unavailable parties so they can find each other.
My recent post Be Careful Who You Clown
I agree, if there is some level of dating/courting and sexing going on, and you're a decent guy, the odds of falling are high. Most don't plan on falling in love, so… Plus i've done the whole "walk away when I realized I fell" and the guys come back like "you don't no me anymore?" well sir… lol
but yes, i agree with you. two unavailable people = boundaries respected.
I agree with your solution 100%. It’s the most logical solution to this problem.
My brother is one of those emotionally unavailable men because he is starting a business and understandably is very focused on that. I have seen the catasrophe and drama that his actions have caused, but I think he does it on purpose. He always comes to me for advice on how to handle these situations after things go really badly and I have given him the same advice repeatedly. However, he never listens because he likes the benefits of being with an emotionally available woman since he can get all of the benefits of having a girlfriend without having one. Telling her he is not ready for anything serious, but then spending enormous amounts of time with her, having her cook for him, going out together to places, etc.
I told him that he knows exactly what he is doing and that he knows and expects that by giving the disclaimer before dating that when she does fall he can say, “Oh, but I told you I didn’t want anything serious,” to absolve himself of any guilt, all the while knowing that is exactly how he wanted things in the beginning. He wanted her to fall for him so she would do what he wanted, but didn’t want to take responsibility for hurting her. When I told my brother this, he just gave me a sneaky smile.
"…he never listens because he likes the benefits of being with an emotionally available woman since he can get all of the benefits of having a girlfriend without having one."
This is how I feel ALL "emotionally unavailable" men feel, which is why I believe it's BS. You don't want any of the responsibility? Fine. But then you shouldn't get any of the perks. Simple.
This is how I feel ALL "emotionally unavailable" men feel, which is why I believe it's BS. You don't want any of the responsibility? Fine. But then you shouldn't get any of the perks. Simple
That's all on ya … The man isn't making the woman bust down and give up the goods … She can become unavailable and take away those perks whenever she feels. No one is holding her hostage besides her own mind, body and soul. I do believe there is a code of conduct a man should take, but every man doesn't subscribe to that same code, so it takes a strong woman to not fall victim and alot of ya are out here lookin like Nicole Richie.
Unless relationships are only between a woman and herself, in no way can ANY PART of it be "all on ya". Sorry.
@Remi
And there we have it!! I see the same with several of my guy friends who tell me all their business.
I'm like, duh, you KNOW what you are doing and you know why. But to avoid the "bad guy" title at all cost, they prefer to act oblivious or put 95% of the blame on the woman.
Perhaps we should start throwing emotionally unavailable parties so they can find each other.
<3 ^ 1000. Excellent solution. lol
My recent post Breeding style
Slim I almost broke out into a praise dance (circa Tyler the Great's mom on the MTV VMa's last night) on this one!!! AMEN!!! Your logic restoreth my faith in your kind. LoL
I'm just trying to quickly get to a solution for this.lol.
My recent post Happy Birthday MJ. You Are Missed.
NOT Tyler the Creator's mom tho!!!
Slim is either a hypocrite or batting for the other team!
Now thats a feasible idea Slim…
I agree! Leave the emotionally healthy women for the emotionally healthy men!
Damn it, Most. Why is it that every time you post, I end up feeling like I have to explain myself. Emotional unavailability… let's just say that if this was an actual place, I'd be the Christopher Columbus of it. Like I never intended on ending up there, but the weather was nice so I set up camp. But when you said "…much to the collective chagrin of women who consistently love unavailable men, we snap out of it and run straight to a new chick. You want to know why don’t you? It’s because men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself." I wanted to stand up and slow clap.
Maybe it's because I'm the oldest child and was the only for such a long time, but I have no problem being alone. When it comes to relationship status, this has been much the same. I always found it interesting when different women in my life felt they could "fix" me. There was nothing to fix, but despite saying that they kept trying anyway. No matter if he's a good guy or a deadbeat, if a man does not want to – or is not willing to – settle down there's no amount of talking, wooing, pleading, or s.exing that you can do to change that.
why are you so averse to relationships? I'm curious to know.
I'm not actually. But I've never been averse to being single either. I do however, have issues with settling for "good enough" or due to ambiguous timelines.
So you're less "emotionally unavailable" and more "emotionally ambiguous"? Because you label yourself above as The Christopher Columbus of Emotional Unavailability…
Alex will snatch that $800 from you without blinking an eye, he's ruthless, just ask Sean Connery 😉
To be fair, I used the Columbus analogy because of two reasons: 1) I know I wasn’t really the first person to find it, but the name sticks out when you hear it, and 2) though I may have ended up there, it does”t mean I’m still there. I left quite a while ago.
*goes back to writing “Duh, B!tch…”*
I may actually have to write that at this point. LOL<– Feels some type of way about you dropping the "Duh B!tch" in my face like that…
I wasn't trying to subliminally drop that on, you. It was actually an attempt to lighten the mood.
We're good.
*instigates* Ohhhhh! Star you gonna let him get away with that?
lol…keystrokes and pixels my friends, keystrokes and pixels…
#ImALoverNotAFighter
Great post Most! I'm going to try to answer these questions to the best of my ability. lol
Have you gone through a phase where you were emotionally unavailable. What caused it?
The ironic thing is I am currently in this phase right now. Around the end of May I heard a great sermon series from Andy Stanley on relationships (I don't want to get too spiritual on here.lol). He gave a great suggestion about taking a year off from dating. So one can renew their mind and work on "Becoming the person who the person you are looking for is looking for". So, I thought about it for about a week and made the decision to take the challenge. That basically means no new applications, interviews or campus visits for me for the next 9 months. lol. I truly believe the next serious relationship end in marriage. So why not take a year off to work on a couple of things to become a better person for her.
So, indirectly of this challenge I am currently emotionally unavailable. lol.
What did you tell the women you became interested in during that time and how did those relationships turn out? Most importantly, when and if you came out of it, did you go back to her?
You know that was one thing I did not put a whole lot of thought in before this sabbatical. lol. And I kinda looked at it in a funny way b/c the following reasons: I live in a city where the pickings are slim and I work in a profession where hot women are non existent. So, the odds of me meeting someone in the next 3-6 months were pretty slim to none. I also figured the only time where I would have trouble is during my alma mater's homecoming in Oct. Where that is almost like fishing with dynamite for three days.
So the other weekend I was at a get together and met this bad chick (like Paula Patton bad). She was also really intelligent, educated and gorgeous. I was basically caught off guard. So, this week I kinda set up some guidelines for myself so I will be able to make through to next May. If I met someone who I found interesting enough to date now, I probably would tell them that I will start taking applications next May. Because I don't want to hurt her feelings (or make her feel inadequate) or break the challenge I made to myself.
Can we add a question to the wrap up questions for the men?
How many times have you ended up being in a serious relationship with a woman that you told in the beginning "Don't fall for me, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now"?
Never.
And if you think i'm contradicting myself with my personal story i told further down, I'm not. I was EU, but i never told her I was.
This sounds like a disclaimer…I'll read on though…
Where was this post about 8months ago when I really needed to read this. This post is too close to home and irritates wounds far too fresh. I am probably not in the state of mind to logically respond to any of it but I can say that that ish hurts horribly, it leaves you feeling used and abused and you can't really put too much blame on anyone but yourself.
Everything that was said in this post is the truth! Hearing the truth in this situation doesn't really make me feel good at all but it is something that I really needed to hear. Honestly I wish he would have just lost my number and disappeared instead of what ended up happening.
Even though this post doesn't make me very happy I really appreciate you writing this Most, maybe others won't make the same mistakes that I did.
Sorry I didn't write this earlier Kri! I'm also sorry you had to experience whatever you experienced. But, I'm sure you're stronger than you imagine yourself to be – so I'm sure you'll get through it. Keep pushing.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
@Kriola Omg I swear i feel your pain through your words! *hugs* You are certainly not alone, because many of us have been down that same path before. Rest assured that this too shall pass. One day you'll wake up and it just won't hurt anymore. He'll be nothing more than a lesson learned, albeit a tough one. I think I'm finally there, and its a place of peace. Stay strong. *hugs you again*
I expect nothing from an emotional unavailable man. I don't even wanna deal with them. Once a guy has told me that he doesn't want a relationship under no terms I seriously become disinterested. I start calling and texting less until I just stop completely. I have no interest in getting to know someone who doesn't want the same things I want. Thankfully an emotionally unavailable guy hasn't pursued me very heavily like in the post he just let me go. I would want a guy to lose my number. Yes it would hurt my ego/feelings know we didn't talk anymore depending on how attracted I was to him, how much we had in common etc but I'm seriously not trying to end up crying, bitter, and head over heels with someone who doesn't give a F.
This right here is spot on. This is the way an emotionally unavailable guy expects a woman to respond if she's not interested in proceeding. This is the blueprint.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
Yup, this has happened to me on multiple occasions after telling women I wasn't necessarily looking for a relationship at the time. If she wanted something more I always assumed she would distance herself from the situation and I couldn't blame her. It was usually that simple for me. And that's what happened 9 times out of 10.
Never. I'll take "I Don't Like Contradicting Myself for $800, Alex".
Zero. I'm not saying that it doesn't happen, I'm just saying it hasn't happened to me.
Never. I'll take "I Don't Like Contradicting Myself for $800, Alex".
I hear what you are saying. Be grown and make your own decisions BUT take responsibility for your actions too. Obviously if emotionally unavailable men are doing all the right things and saying all the wrong things then that adds a lot of confusion to the situation. If a woman wants to be in that type of relationship then take that chance, but don't get mad when it doesn't work out the way you wanted. I think guys will continue to mess with a girl that they know is falling for them because they are getting what they want and the girl is treating him well, that's selfish and unfair. At the end of the day both parties are to blame. Women should not want to be with a man who is telling her the truth about what he does and does not want. Men, on the other hand, should not continue to milk the situation until it becomes unbearable.
Rarely, if ever. None specifically come to mind. For clarification, usually the "Don't fall for me, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now" line really means "Dont fall for me, I'm not looking for a serious relationship with you, ever."
If you want honesty, there you have it, Chuck.
If I think I might see myself falling for a particular girl, that line doesnt usually come up.
My recent post First Draft: Maybe I Expect too Much From Love
Wis I SWEAR you've admitted to this before, it's not that serious that I'm going to search for it to quote, but I could've SWORE you did…I laid this trap specifically FOR you. I may do a search tomorrow, depending on where my presha is at then…but let me not call you a liar until I have proof…
Lol @ laying traps, Colombo. I wrote an entire post called “Men Are Always Looking for Serious Relationships” on this very site where I believe I used this exact phrase but not in the context you’ve allegedly trapped me with. I’m impressed with your ability to ignore the contradictions in your own comments on THIS post. Find a woman who doesn’t want a serious relationship like myself but keep in mind that women fall in love and kept help it. Okie dokie. I’ve got it now.
Anywho, you’re right Star. I’m wrong. You got the win. Have a nice day.
Laying traps? Word.. What did I walk into today? Let me tip toe around here so I don't step on any landmines.
Yeah, I'm going to have to cosign. Whether or not the idea of emotional unavailability is legit–and sorry, but I just don't buy that it's anything more than a sugar-coated way to say you'd like no-strings-attached sex–doesn't change that when a dude says he's no looking for a relationship right now, he's not looking for a relationship WITH YOU. Perhaps that extends to all women, but it definitely applies to YOU.
"usually the "Don't fall for me, I'm not looking for a serious relationship right now" line really means "Dont fall for me, I'm not looking for a serious relationship with you, ever." "
It doesn't get more real than this. painful truth.
My recent post Breeding style
Before men get crazy let me say this one more time, If a man tell you he is emotionally unavailable and you decide to deal with him. You have just said "I am open to falling in love with you, even though I know you wont love me back". I know is fun to blame it all on the boys, but lets take some responsibility. I have been in that situation before, it is not fun and it hurts like hell. This only applies if the man is upfront about his situation lol
Great post Most, just great!!!
We women are sometimes dumb, key word: sometimes! LOL!!! Punks! JK, lol… Unfortunately, I've been in this position as to probably many other females have to; the signs are there, shit, sometimes he tells us right to our face, but we're still there, and just how you said, its because we want to figure out what is making him unavailable that if we know what that "it" is, and fix it, then he'll be available to us like how we would like. If he's unavailable, and we finally realize it, obviously we're going to want to 'fix' it, its just in our nature. Its really difficult to say what a man can do to prevent us from falling. We can be very stubborn and still try to make them fall for us. Sometimes there's nothing you men can do other than to just stop all communication, cold turkey. It's never better to treat us like trash (although there are some women out there that like to be treated like that), but if we're women of demeanor and respect and like how you said, if we value ourselves we're going to eventually get the point that what our little fantasies of you falling for us is not gonna happen and eventually we'll move on
What about when a female is emotionally unavailable and he falls? Do the same rules still apply?
First (well, this is like my 6th comment, but it SHOULD'VE been first, pardon me, I'm a bit riled…), Most, great post, I believe you spoke from the heart and posts like this are definitely a huge reason that women come to SBM, for this real, raw male perspective that is hard to hear and therefore we rarely get from the men in our lives that care about us.
Now that I got that outta the way, lemme tell you all the ways that you are wrong 😉What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men?
To be treated like a human being with the capability of human emotion and to not be pieced out like a car in a chop shop. i.e. If you gotta tell me not to fall in love, just walk away man. You already know/suspect I'm fittin to fall in love obviously, or do you just tell every woman that you meet not to fall in love with you? I mean c'mon, you know the signs. If she's feeling you too much, you pull back. Remind her you're unavailable to her-not "right now" TO HER. I'm not asking you to do anything that we don't do every day too! You know that dreaded "Friend Zone"? Yeah, that's a special place for men that we don't see a future with, so we do this crazy thing: we don't treat them like men that we DO see a future with. Crazy, I know, that silly woman logic #sarcasm. Treat friends like friends and potentials like potentials.
What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him?
At that point when you feel the need to tell her not to fall in love, pump ya breaks, give her some space, or leave her alone altogether. Yup that mean you lose your "interest" or "friend" or whatever she was…them's the breaks.
Should he just lose your number and disappear, is that what you’d prefer?
YES! YES! A million times YES!
Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)?
Not trash, but keep it real. This isn't a love thing, so why are you treating it like a love thing? Why are you staying and cuddling? Why are you introducing her to your friends? Why are you telling her that you love her? Why are you sharing your hopes and dreams with her? If she's there for chex, have chex with her, say thanks, have a safe trip home, talk to you later. No "good morning" texts, no "how was work"…what's that got to do with the chex? Or perhaps you're using her for emotional support. Good luck. I don't know a single woman that can be the emotional support for a man that she can envision a future with and not fall in love. Talk to your friends that are girls, cause yeah…you could treat that woman like dog ish and she'd probably just hold out hope that she could nurse you back to emotional stability…we. bond. through. talking. Emotional intimacy is a powerful, powerful drug.
Let's keep it real gully. It all comes down to selfishness. You want what you want. You want the chex when you want it. You want to be the life of the party that all her friends like to giggle at. You want to be the guy that she talks about to her girls because you brought her chicken noodle soup when she was sick. You want that emotional support when life's got you down. You want someone to call when you get good news. You like that adoration and respect that she gives you. You do want her to love you…until that interferes with whatever else you got going on. Be it work, other women, man time, school, a sense of freedom, that quirk about her that makes her unmarriageable to you, whatever. At least own that ish. We've almost all done it at one point. But when I took advantage of a man for selfish reasons, I could say that I was being selfish and at least admit to MYSELF that I needed to stop. I didn't blame him for fallin in love with me, when I was never interested in him in that light, even after I told him. I can't be mad at someone LOVING me. What kinda sense does that make? a) I'm lovable, not being funny, not being conceited, but d@mn, I'm worthy of love and it makes sense to me that folks would see reason to love me. b) love is not something that you can turn on or off on a whim. No one in this world should be shocked when someone loves them. You gotta have like NO self worth to be mad when someone falls in love with you. You mad for being LOVED? Now that's some #FirstWorldProblems for yo @ss….
I love everything about this comment! Such valid points and laughter! I thoroughly enjoyed each word and could identify a little with it as well.
Thanks ladies, nice to know I'm not alone.
Me too. Especially this –
"Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)?
Not trash, but keep it real. This isn't a love thing, so why are you treating it like a love thing? Why are you staying and cuddling? Why are you introducing her to your friends? Why are you telling her that you love her? Why are you sharing your hopes and dreams with her? If she's there for chex, have chex with her, say thanks, have a safe trip home, talk to you later. No "good morning" texts, no "how was work"…what's that got to do with the chex?"
Making sure that your verbal and your non verbal communication matches up would solve a lot of problems…
A-fcking-men!
Star, you are my e-boo, so I'm not going to go in too hard on you.
When you give that woman some space immediately after she starts falling for you, she will still react just as hurt, because she really thought there was a future. I've done this, and we discussed our arrangement before hand. A few weeks later, she hit me with those three words. I had to break up with her a few days later, and when I did this, she started crying. No man wants to see a woman cry. I cared enough about her that I felt bad, but at the same time, I couldn't figure out why I felt bad. According to the comments of women on this topic, I did nothing wrong. I followed protocol. We had an understanding. As soon as feelings got involved, I stepped away. But I was still the villian.
When a woman sees potential in a man, she becomes immediately invested. She caught feelings, despite me being completely honest with her. You can do everything right, say everything right, and still end up being the bad guy in a woman's eyes. That's why women have to be honest with themselves. If you're not built for casual relationships, don't get involved.
I said I was going to bed, then I get a response from my Hugh Jazz…I can take it a lot harder than that Hugh…feel free to tell me what you really feel because I don't disagree with anything that you just said. Where do you think that we differ? Perhaps you were thinking that no one should get hurt ideally? Yeah…this is love we're talking about…someone's going to get hurt, I don't have the expectation of no pain. I do however have the expectation of no intentional pain in exchange for a lil pleasure on your part.
You are right, you followed protocol exactly and I can't find fault at all with the story you presented to me. She fell in love, which she had little control over. You didn't love her, which you have little control over. You parted ways before things got any deeper. Textbook. As you don't want to see her cry, she doesn't want to cry, but that's love. The risks are great, but I believe the rewards are greater still.
And I could not agree with this anymore if I tried: "If you're not built for casual relationships, don't get involved."
I guess with your clarification, maybe we don't disagree. It first appeared you were mad because you get hurt when a good guy withdraws from you, but that doesn't appear to be the case.
I think the issue is I'm comparing my past situation to how you actually feel. Some women just can't take rejection, or sometimes think the rejection is about them personally.
OK, so now that we're not fighting anymore let's consummate this new found e-booship 😉
@Star I love your perspective on things! Its always so genuine and heartfelt! I agree with you 1000% on your initial comment on this thread, as well as your response to @Hugh. But THIS PART RIGHT HERE:
"Yeah…this is love we're talking about…someone's going to get hurt, I don't have the expectation of no pain. I do however have the expectation of no intentional pain in exchange for a lil pleasure on your part"
That Sums IT ALL up perfectly!!! That is ALL that we're ASKING! Love is imperfect and irrational, so someone will almost always get hurt. Just don't intentionally inflict it OR turn a blind eye when you already know where your actions will lead. (And don't pretend you don't know either, lol)
Thanks MissMina 🙂
clap.clap.clap.
I love this comment!! Men just can't seem to get that if you feel the need to tell someone not to catch feelings, then maybe you should let the situation go. Find a woman who is just as emotionally unavailable as you are and you will save all parties from any heartache.
Remi! 🙂
My recent post Be Careful Who You Clown
@remi
Men don’t read minds. If a grown women comes to him and goes hey I’m emotionally unavailable signs up to what deal he put on the table how is he suppose to read the future and go damn she’s going to mess up. I think the man @star is describing is the “I want a girl when I want one” (which I agree is selfish) who wants you to love him with out having to give love back in return. I think the true unemotional man is just ask for company (good company) and only asking you to give it in return. The way you responded to his actions are on you. Stop treating men who you are’nt in a relationship like your man. Women who are successful in these situations set up boundaries of their own. And women we do the samething with the friends zone guy (minus giving him sex) we use him emotionally and for good company when where upset about a bad break up or having a hard time. dating. I think it comes to ladies just listen to what the man is putting out there and deciding if they want to take it or leave it. By waiting on him to just leave you alone or not mess with you at all your playing a dangerous game your giving him the power.
Smilez!!! Exactly. Even if we ignore the fact that 90% of what Star said in the post she made up and therefore requires no defense from me (Who said anything about saying "I love you"…?) the whole point is, we're looking for someone just like us. We are telling you who we are, and we're looking for someone who's looking for the same thing. If you tell us you're looking for that too, all we can do is believe you. We can't read your mind AND predict the future. That's not fair. Star is saying keep it real… you keep it real – with yourself – from jump. If you can't handle the situation proposed don't try to fit a square peg into a round hole by pretending your ok with it.
And also – you're making this about sex – not me. Sex is just part of it. Smilez said it best. Just because your EUA doesn't mean you don't want the company of the opposite sex. It's just a matter of wanting that company without the specific purpose of that company being the idea that we're building toward something in the future. It's just about the here and now.
The whole point is – nobody is disallowing you the right to disengage at any point in the relationship. You can leave when you want. Be disciplined and leave when the situation is no longer to your liking. Don't stay, then get mad because I'm doing exactly what I always said I was going to do as opposed to having the epiphanic change of heart you're expecting me to have.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
Well there it is . . . *cue 'What More Can I Say' – Hov*
Girl, everything you saying is right … BUT, it doesn't matter. There's no sense in trying to talk some sense into an "emotionally unavailable man." When he says he ain't available, leave him alone. No phone calls. No texts and definitely no sex. Cut him off cold turkey and move on.
Oh, I'm projecting for sure…I can't deny that at all.
But I don't understand your beef…please expound.
Well, I mean what you've said is true. But it's just not the situation I'm talking about it the post…
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
By the way, days, and many side convos later, I finally understand your problem with my scenario…in your post the man said from jump that he was emotionally unavailable and you're right, this is a completely different scenario…you obviously touched a nerve within me. I'm sorry for the HUGE
tantrumtangent. Not that that lil disclaimer makes it ok to mislead a woman with contradictory actions, but it's definitely a completely different situation than my story.And props on skipping right past the 300 comment mark and sailing right into the 400 range 🙂
Except I don't sleep with men in my Friend Zone, don't talk to them every single day, don't explore every aspect of my life with them…the lines are very clear…
I wish ya'll WOULD make a more clear Friend Zone distinction.
Like I said this is the "closest thing" to a friend zone for women. There really isn't one. Men like s.ex. This isn't a new or novel idea for anyone I'm sure. And many men would laugh at the thought of turning down a "sure thing" because of a lack of feelings. And just like you don't sleep with guys in your friend zone, doesn't mean other women don't. A lot of men that are there (FZ) know they're just like what Chris Rock said "a d!ck in a glass case… in case of emergency break glass."
My question is why don't you do what you propose men do? Why don't you just walk away and leave him alone? If you're not being fulfilled and you're not really in a relationship, then why would you stay?
So we can state "men like s.ex" as an unchangable fact that everyone should just accept and men have no culpability in what they do to obtain s.ex, but "women fall in love with men that treat them well and have the "good man" qualities that they are looking for" is just women being dumb and not listening?
Why don't I leave a man that I care deeply for, who's actions say "I love you" but who's mouth says "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"? Um, why would I leave that man? You know how difficult it is to find a man that I want a second date with, much less one that I can envision marrying? I'm happy with that man. So happy that I want a commitment and to be with just him.
He's the one that doesn't want what I have to offer, doesn't it make sense that he be the one to leave?
I propose that men, instead of dealing with these "low self worth" women, take it upon themselves to get out of headache relationships when they see that they are no longer what they wanted (attachment free). This really is a 50/50 responsibility thing, b/c if he's looking for no emotional attachment and she's emotionally attached his "self worth" must be just as low to continue their arrangement when he's not getting what he wants either. (FYI, self worth is in quotes because I think that it ridiculous to tie self worth to this scenario. But I do believe that whatever label the woman is saddled with for staying in this unfulfilling relationship, the man should be equally, neither are getting what they want and both are continuing it.)
"Why don't I leave a man that I care deeply for, who's actions say "I love you" but who's mouth says "I'm not ready for a relationship right now"? Um, why would I leave that man?"
For the same reason a man would be cool with a woman, enjoys talking to her, has plenty in common with her, she reciprocates those platonic feelings, he can see a romantic relationship with her because they connect on a deeper level than just $exual, yet she'll say, "You're a cool guy, but I only see you as a friend."
Then a minute later, she'll say, "hey, that new Tyler Perry movie is coming out next week, you wanna go with me to see it?"
He’s the one that doesn’t want what I have to offer, doesn’t it make sense that he be the one to leave?
So again, I’ll ask, where is your responsibility in the matter. At what point do you owe it to YOURSELF to recognize the only thing you’re clinging to is hope? You said we [men] should “keep and gully” and recognize we’re just being selfish, while I don’t fully agree with that I will at least concede that in many cases that probably very well is the issue. But let’s keep it gully all the way around. If men admit we’re being selfish, women should admit they’re being egotistical.
If I were to look at from the way you (and others) are arguing it, then women are simply loving a man that they believe that only they can fix. “If *I* love him long enough, then he’ll recognize how good of a woman *I* am… yada yada yada, blah, blah, blah, …But if he doesn’t recognize all this love and these good virtuous woman qualities *I* have, then he is the one with problems and everything is *his* fault.
Really? I’ma go ahead and slap a big #CmonSon on that one.
Here’s why I compared this to the Friend Zone. It all boils down to someone preying on the other person’s hope. I’ve told many of guy friends this next statement when they were hung up on women that didn’t want them, but this may be the first time I’ve ever said it to women so grab a pen ’cause y’all need to hear it:
Affection does not equal Attraction
Just like a man who’s been “Friend Zoned” will get called up when she’s lonely, and they will spend time together, go out on “dates”, and generally enjoy each other’s company (likely without s.ex) that woman will have no problem hitting that man with the “You’re like a brother to me” speech. This is what is happening to women who are messing with “emotionally unavailable” men. And if really going to keep it 100, you’ve relegated yourself to a puppy. Cute and cuddly, but not something you’d marry.
Affection does not equal Attraction
Just like a man who's been "Friend Zoned" will get called up when she's lonely, and they will spend time together, go out on "dates", and generally enjoy each other's company (likely without s.ex) that woman will have no problem hitting that man with the "You're like a brother to me" speech. This is what is happening to women who are messing with "emotionally unavailable" men. And if really going to keep it 100, you've relegated yourself to a puppy. Cute and cuddly, but not something you'd marry.
CCCCCCCCCCCCOMBO BREAKERRRRRRRRRRRRR
I'd quote TWIsM's entire post if i could just to reiterate how spot on he was … At the end of the day it boils down to "personal responsibility". Are you seriously going to wait for another human being to take initiative and act on something that you're just as capable of doing???
To quote "The Fifth Element" … You want something done, Ya gotta do it yourself.
Cosign 100%… the friend zone comparison is spot on. If youve ever been friend zoned by a girl you really like you can relate. You hold on to the one or two good things she does as hope she likes you as more than a friend, while having convenient amnesia to every thing else that points to the fact that youre just a friend. This is the exact same thing ladies, if a guy doesnt want to bun (commit) you after a reasonable amount of time, he just not that into you besides sex, youre just keeping the seat warm for a girl he likes as more than fwb to come along. This can take any where from a couple a weeks to years, so dont justify us hanging around as a sign we might change, it just is what it is.
I cosign what you're saying, but I also agree that sometimes you need to bite that bullet and leave these dudes. Especially the ones that are "emotionally unavailable" for YEARS. And yes, I use quotation marks because I believe that is utter BS.
“At what point do you owe it to YOURSELF to recognize the only thing you’re clinging to is hope?”
For me, it was when I noticed I was changing who I was tiptoeing around him. I’m sure every woman has a different breaking point though.
So at what point do men stop leading on and being an emotional succubus on a woman that you claim to care about on some level?
And if it’s egotistical to believe that the love of a woman can improve a man’s life and make him a better person – I’m muthaeffin Kanya West.
"And if it's egotistical to believe that the love of a woman can improve a man's life and make him a better person – I'm muthaeffin Kanya West."
Not to sound mean, but How's that working for you?
You're only proving my point. If you wanna keep believing you can change a man then keep doing what you're doing. But don't get salty when you continually end up with the same results.
Life is going well, thanks for asking.
But, no, I don't have a husband and children (some important life goals for me) if that's what you're inferring. I also still have student loan debt. But yeah, I'm a child of God, therefore I can't complain too much. #Winning
That was a bit of a deflection, but that's okay. I'm done with this topic too.
@star
I’m sorry but as a women myself sometimes when ppl tell us the stove is hot and well get hurt touching , we still touch it b/c we don’t listen. What’s wrong with a man treating you good to get some sex from you (not you personally but women) a man should treat like a lady. Let’s keep it funky this Is a case of women not knowing what type of situations their built for. Some women handle this type of situation with out falling in love and some can’t know what type you are and act accordingly. And its not the nice treatment that’s making her fall in love b/c theirs women all over catching feelings for their f buddies who only call on once a week no dates maybe a movie night here and their still catching feelings for them, some women (including myself) can’t constantly have sex with one man for a consistent am out of time without catching feelings. If that’s the type of women you are and you met this type of man , kindle tell him your not interested.
Your actions should match your words. I'm not going to go as far as a 'distant fck buddy' route, but if you're emotionally unavailable for relationships then you really shouldn't be doing things that indicate you want a 'deeper' relationship (per examples used in this post). Blah, blah, panty pandering, blah, blah. It's my truth though. I hold the same standards for women. If my stated mission statement is to keep it light and fun, then we should only be doing things that are light and fun.
On the other hand, if a guy is not going all extra like Most in said situation then the woman should know how to play her position in this type of relationship.
You're probably going to take heat for this, but I, for one, appreciate your viewpoint more than a thumbs up can convey.
Thank you.
co-sign.
@ malik
What’s your def of light and fun may not be hers. For example I’m sure the dates and convo’s said eu man is having with a women he might consider light hearted maybe some good sex. He could have simple taken her to a nice restaurant a few times and maybe a couple of great convo and though wow she’s cool. Now she may interprets these events as meaning more than what they where which obviously a lot of women are doing.
I presume this would actually be discussed rather than 'I don't want a relationship'.
WOW. If all men spoke as clearly as this was written, without reservation of our feelings and without selfish motives, there would be a lot less broken hearts.
“I don’t want a relationship…right now” = “I don’t want a relationship with you EVER. I mean, I like you, you’re cool, but you’re not my dream girl and you will never be” is the kindest thing a man can say to a woman who’s in love with him.
Thank you! I'll take a little hurt now over a lot of hurt later any day. Please tell me the truth and let your actions match the truth!
It's actually the kindest thing a guy can say *before* a woman has the chance to fall in love with him… *before* he decides to take her to bed… I would've backed away from so many dudes – had they even hinted at it from the get. However, I think most men don't even have that much insight into themselves to come up with that idea, let alone the balls to say it. Few men are going to turn away free sex.
I was head over heels in love with a guy like that who said he wasn't interested in a relationship but who was subsequently at my house more than his. We were constantly together and going out. Then he disappeared and I found out that he'd gone back to his ex – was living with her and had knocked her up. It seriously took me YEARS to get over that hurt.
It went on like a lightbulb for me when I saw his word-for-word description written in "He's Just Not That Into You." That man never deserved my time or my love, but I was too blind to see it because he kept coming around and kept acting like he was my bf. Once I came to that realization, I kicked my own ass for a few months and then poof it was done. As hot and great as I once thought he was, now all I see is a pathetic, desperate user.
So yeah, guys, if you're really being up front and totally honest, don't say "right now" at the end of that sentence. You say you don't want her. period. ever. That will sting her ego, but she'll be damn glad she didn't invest her time or emotions into you before finding that out.
I needed this post in college…Hell I needed it about two years ago, when I stumbled into loving a dayum ice box (the fact that he was an Alpha was not lost on me either).Your statement about the new chick and his moving on though..whew! I hear you're reasoning, about we don't value ourselves and he can't be w/someone who would deal w/such bull, but I think the real reason is that because of the bs he's ruined a good heart/woman. Now everything w/this woman is too heavy, the conversations & that back story that you have becomes a burden because you both know that ya'll are in a effed up place and there isn't really anything that can be done to clean it up. The new girl doesn't have that knowledge of how cold dude can be, of how callous he was.Everything is light and fluffy because its new and light arguments, which is nothing compared to "why don't you love me" arguments he would had with the one who stuck around (cue Beyonce). If someone is emotionally unavailable then that doesn't afford them the right to hurt others with a "logical" excuse. I think following up words with actions would be alot more effective and less painful.
Sociality is at the core of human sexuality. If you ensure that she has a great time around you, you are simply paving way to be liked intimately. You cannot go looking for a friend in someone who is looking for a lover. I do understand the whole concept of being emotionally unavailable, I just don't think that telling the woman such and then encouraging a friendship despite how you feel is fair under any circumstance. When you need company to watch a movie or have dinner, hit up the old friend. You can't take a new girl out on what seems to be a date and expect that she'll just think it will end there. That's not how the mind or body works. Believe me, I wish it was that simple.
Right. I've been emotionally unavailable, you know what I do in those periods? I don't date. I kick it with my friends harder, I entertain myself, I try new recipes, i date myself, I try to figure out what I should've done differently in the last relationship that contributed to my broken heart, I throw myself into a project, I try to heal myself before I move on to the next dude so that he gets a whole, healthy person instead of just dating with a disclaimer.
Ditto! Ditto! Ditto. Seems that many men don’t see it that way though.
Sociality is at the core of human sexuality. If you ensure that she has a great time around you, you are simply paving way to be liked intimately. You cannot go looking for a friend in someone who is looking for a lover. I do understand the whole concept of being emotionally unavailable, I just don't think that telling the woman such and then encouraging a friendship despite how you feel is fair under any circumstance. When you need company to watch a movie or have dinner, hit up the old friend. You can't take a new girl out on what seems to be a date and expect that she'll just think it will end there. That's not how the mind or body works. Believe me, I wish it was that simple.
Hmm, the few times that i have gotten myself caught up in a situation with an allegedly emotionally unavailable dude, they've always been the one to renege. Either they get all stupid/jealous/possessive when they see someone else try and holla or they get all salty when i say i really am cool with the fact that we aren't movin forward. They may or may not want to move towards commitment but the certainly don't want me to live my life either way!
Anywho, despite knowing how unreasonable it is to tell a man to go live in a damn cave until he can sort himself out and be "emotionally available", my ovaries still say thats what you should do lol. On the other hand, i say that if a dude is man enough to tell you from jump he just wants to have a good time, as a woman you either get with it or get gone. If you end up catching feelings along the way, stop and say look this is whats happening, do you want to move forward. And if he says no then put ya big girl panties on and keep it movin to the next. Whats the point in gettin mad and raising your blood pressure, it isn't going to change anything.
Big shout to dudes who remain gentlemen and nice guys in these situations. Even though it makes it harder for a chick not to fall for you, i would still rather be respected and treated like a lady than to be treated like a j-o!
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I'm kinda weird, in that I don't think its really worth going back and forth between who's right and who's wrong, who's fault it is, etc. It makes for good internet conversation, but its a pointless argument at the end of the day. I can't control a man's behavior, he's going to do what he wants at the end of the day. It doesn't matter how gorgeous, awesome, or fabulous I am. In fact, that makes it worse. If you're a likeable girl, then you're a likeable girl. You're gonna have all kinds of guys trying to step to you. You can't stop an undesirable man from trying to get at you in the street, you can't make a man respect you, and you can't make a man who is not ready, commit before his time. All you can do is choose to engage, or not to engage. The most important thing to know and understand is that his behavior is in no way a reflection of your worth or value as a woman, and I think that's where a lot of girls get their heads screwed up. They internalize some guys issue with commitment as being about them, and its not.
Emotionally unavailable men are sooo annoying, primarily because of the situation Most described, when words =/=action. That's where you get those "mixed signals" that everyone speaks of… Mixed signals can be very annoying and confusing to decipher, but IME its rarely worth the energy it takes to figure them out. What I've learned that confusion on my end, is proportional to the lack of interest on his end. if it is not clearcut and obvious beyond a shadow of a doubt that a man is into me and wants to be with me, then I need to walk away. Its not worth it. This approach has worked for me, and I don't deal with even 1/10th of the drama I used to deal with in college.
I used to find it hard to distinguish an emotionally available man from an available one, cuz sometimes emotionally available men are really good at masquerading. But looking back, I think I usually had some idea… some sort of intuition that I failed to heed. Now, I kinda have my own methods of weeding guys like that out, but that's a comment for a different post.
Either way, I say stop messing with these ambiguous guys and free up the space in your life for a dude that's worth your time to come in.
Okay, I'm done. Sorry for the essay lol
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*slides chair slowly from under desk, stands, and starts slow clapping*
*Slow claps* Bravo
Hmmm…interesting post I’ll say. From what I see, it seems that some women are looking for men to do the dirty work in this situation so that they can still play the victim card to a certain degree. The truth is nobody is as obligated to your emotional well being as you are to yourself. It’s time out for you to stop being reactive and become proactive about your life. You will never get what you claim to deserve out of life waiting on somebody else to just give it to you. You say you want the truth; I say you want your version of it repeated to you regardless of what the actual truth is. The truth is you can’t make somebody love just because you love them, or think you do. You are primarily responsible for your own well being, not anybody else, which means above all else, YOU have to make the best decision for yourself, especially the so called “independent women”. You can’t be independent and yet expect a man to be responsible for your emotional well being, or is that the exception? You don’t need him to be the breadwinner, handyman, landscaper, and whatever else a man brings tangibly, but expect him to protect you from yourself?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I loved you response. It's just the truth :). Thanks 🙂
This post is on point.
So let's say there's this movie that's in my library. I KNOW that every time I watch this movie, it reminds me of my dead dog and it hurts my heart. However, I always watch this movie. I watch this movie knowing how it'll make me feel and how I'll react. Now after n > 2 times, should I start emailing the writers and/or director to complain about how bad this movie make me feel? That'll be crazy and clearly others would say, "yo, the emotional reactions are part of the experience." Wait…
This ish isn't a surprise if homie was honest and straight up. Are we talking about deception here though? No. We're talking about people watching movies they hate then acting like the writers made them watch the movie over and over. So a woman will admittedly and openly walk into a situation with an emotionally unavailable man AND act all out of pocket when his unavailability doesn't change. The question is WHY?
It's done for the sake of the experience. Of course, people don't WANT to be in hurtful situations. The "Terms and Conditions" allows for her to have emotional reactions to the ish she knew that would happen. I mean when a woman agrees to the situation, that doesn't mean she won't have an emotional reaction to it. Some guys would call this "illogical" but why can't a person have an emotional reaction to something they know they don't like once it confronts them directly. So people can't react emotionally to the same thing more than once? lol but I digress…
BS? Ok… Let me take this further but work backwards. Why is it always in those situations, even before there a potential of an 'I luv u,' the lady will be doing the most. ok… Let me rephrase that, she'll purposely place herself in a role to fully immerse herself into the "experience." (you should be thinking: "the experience of what?") She didn't forget what he said last week or forgot how things turned out for her in the past, but she want to savor the moments in between. And guess what… part of that "moment" – this self-inflicted mirage – are the making of a mock relationship. Everything from the good times, the sex, the arguments, the "missing him", even when someone finally walks away (hopefully sooner than later). EVERYTHING is taken in the context of her experiencing a relationship. All that to say… A woman who agrees to romance with an emotionally unavailable man, is agreeing to have a relationship alone.
So does this mean that emotionally unavailable men should just not talk to women? ELL NO!!! Firstly, ya'll just mad… My bad… Secondly, EVERYTHING a woman does is attributed to her feeling you. What? Let me rephrase it… Any guy with friends who are women know they will always cite the most basic things any other woman does as her "liking you." So given that EVERYTHING can be a signal and I'm suppose to read your mind, WTF am I suppose to do with this "don't date" (read: date = go out occasionally with alone NOT going steady) if I'm emotionally unavailable? Be a hermit? Move to the mountains? GTFOWTBS
You are aware of YOURSELF at every stage. Let's say that once a guy notices she's 'luving' on him, he should throw deuces. Fair. Right? right. What about before all that though? I mean, ya'll are talking about the extreme of someone being in love when… you know… that ish right there wasn't at first sight… Shoot… assuming dude is decent, he told you upfront and before sex was involved so what about that big ol' span of time where you're fully aware of everything? Nice movie huh? Oh…
Again, women are humans. Therefore I treat them how I would want to be treated. So if I said to an emotionally unavailable lady, "Ok. I see. It's cool. I won't expect anything" I would expect her to take my word. There's always this ish: "Ol' Girl was lying" and "she was just saying that… she was settling…" Therefore, I should know if I should take her word or not. I mean, I've experienced women get kinda upset if you don't treat them as equals. Meaning that if they say, "I want _____" then they shouldn't be treated like they don't know wtf their talking about. Grown women don't like to be second guessed like that… Here's the kicker: So if I just met her, with my emotionally unavailable self, how in the world am I suppose to know what's best for her? It is just me or that am I assumed to have some magically powers to detect a person's past experiences to determine if they can handle something or not? At that point, we really have only your words right? Oh…
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On point, as usual Meteor.
Cosign
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"A woman who agrees to romance with an emotionally unavailable man, is agreeing to have a relationship alone. "
pretty much. I needed to see that in black and white. so much more I could say about the post in general but I'll just lurk and reply to other comments that articulate my thoughts as I see fit…
My recent post I’ll drink to that!
I didn't read all the comments so apologies if I'm repeating what's already been said.
I related so much to this post, both as the one who has given the "don't fall for me" warning and the one who has refused to heed it and had my feelings hurt because of it. Both sides suck.
The problem with this situation is that everyone has to make their behaviour match their intent and no one does.
Great guy though Mr. Emotionally Unavailable may be, he has to do a better job of drawing the line. He's the one who is detached enough to have perspective, so he has to be the one who keeps the boundaries clear. No you don't have to treat the woman like a piece of sh!t on his shoe bottom, but there are emotionally unavailable men out there spending day after day with a woman, only seeing that woman, giving out internet banking passwords, introducing her to his mother, moving in with her, and so on and so forth and then years later when the woman is angling for some kind of declaration from him drawing the "I told you not to fall for me" card. That's not fair and you can't just wrap that up in "I'm a good guy so of course I'm going to treat her well". That's bullsh!t. You keep your distance and you refuse to accept treatment that's not in keeping with what you want out of the situation. It's called being cruel to be kind and I already schooled you on guys on that but I'm too lazy to find the link.
But the ladies who get their feelings hurt by emotionally unavailable men do it to themselves. If he tells you he's unavailable and what you want is an emotionally available man, what the f*ck are you sticking around for? If he says "don't fall for me" and you put yourself in a situation that is conducive to falling, who is to blame for the fact that you got your face kicked in? He told you and you didn't listen. That's on you.
max to the rescue. You always say what I'm thinking, but in an actually coherent way so that other people can get it, too! lol____"He's the one who is detached enough to have perspective, so he has to be the one who keeps the boundaries clear."____YASSSS! Giving a disclaimer that you're not available might be all well, fine and good in the beginning – but when I'm going to see your family on every holiday and taking vacations with you, you can't honestly tell me that there's nothing going on here and we're just having fun.
PREACH!!!
Bottom line… its not really a matter of who's wrong or right…because in my opinion BOTH sides are wrong and now we're arguing over whose MORE wrong… which is silly. BOTH sides need to take responsibility for their actions. Both sides need to work better at being more intentional in their communication… both verbal and non verbal.
this. is why i love max.
*closes thread cuz i have no further comments your honor.
So here’s what I’m wondering now: What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men? What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him? Should he just lose your number and disappear, is that what you’d prefer? Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)?
I feel like women expect this honesty that people (or read: emotionally unavailable men) say we can't handle. Sure it'll hurt. Sure we'll weep and moan about it, but the truth wasn't set out to be stomached easily. And it's all we have sometimes. As much as the truth hurts, you can't run from it. I think I know a handful of emotionally unavailable men and the "Outta sight, outta mind" thing works wonders. Stay out of the woman's mind, thoughts, area, etc. Speaking as someone with experience if you want to call it, the Houdini act is appreciated. Not that it'll make us feel any better but sometimes it helps with coping. To some degree. *shrug* Just another view. I just feel like I'd rather you vanish instead of stick around with my emotions and your …non-emotions.
Nice read.
p.s. I really played the song while I read this… lol
"Stay out of the woman's mind, thoughts, area, etc. Speaking as someone with experience if you want to call it, the Houdini act is appreciated"
YES, YES, YES… If I've already expressed that I want more from you and you are not willing to move forward with the relationship, STAY AWAY! Stop giving false hope and mixed signals!
SUKESSS! Well said. You already know how painfully relevant this post is to my life . . . Hits home. I'm de-lurking for the very first time, & as such don't have much to say. Baby steps, I guess.
Great post. Now we all know that MOST women attach their feelings to sex. It is an action and we have been taught that actions speak louder than words. So while you ask what do women expect from unavailable men, the answer could be everything. Everyone thinks they have an uncanny ability to change someone. Not true. The best point of the post is that the emotionally unavailable man needs to communicate, which is not likely because he is withdrawn. She may take this as a glitch in his personality or he may even play up the fact that he is ‘reserved’ and not as gregarious. With that being said an EU man will less likely fill you in on all of his-not really wanting to be with you but just needs a woman to smash- ridiculous behavior. It sucks, but it is reality.
Hitch: Basic principles: no woman wakes up saying, "God, I hope I don't get swept off my feet today!" Now, she might say, "This is a really bad time for me," or something like, "I just need some space," or my personal favorite, "I'm really into my career right now." You believe that? Neither does she. You know why? Because she's lying to you, that's why. You understand me? Lying! It's not a bad time for her. She doesn't need any space. And she may be into her career, but what she's really saying is, "Uh, get away from me now," or possibly, "Try harder, stupid." But which one is it? Sixty percent of all human communication is nonverbal, body language; thirty percent is your tone. So that means that ninety percent of what you're saying ain't coming out of your mouth. Of course she's going to lie to you! She's a nice person. She doesn't want to hurt your feelings. What else she going to say? She doesn't even know you… yet. Luckily, the fact is that just like the rest of us, even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it, and that's where I come in. My job is to open her eyes. Basic principles: no matter what, no matter when, no matter who… any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom.
Contrary to popular belief this is a unisex statement. It applies to both women and men.
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I like this line "even a beautiful woman doesn't know what she wants until she sees it" Amen.
Like when guys hit you with the "why are you single?" its like well, um, what, does it matter?
I agree 100% at the statement and the fact that it is a unisex statement. It is a game of reverse psychology. You CAN NOT speak out of your mouth one thing and than act out another thing. Actions speak louder than words. If he is telling you he loves you but beating your ass…run…because he doesn't love you. That scenario should be crystal clear (but it's not). The confusion comes when he says that he is not emotionally available yet EVERYTHING that he does targets our emotional heartstrings. Even if he verbalizes that he is emotionally unavailable but is doing things that target our emotional heartstrings he is being dishonest. In a nutshell, if you are not emotionally available, limit your interaction with us. You can be nice from afar.
Co-sign Divine…and men if your unemotionally available you shouldn't trip when the woman dates other men that aren't you and doesn't always have time for you…..
"any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. He just needs the right broom."
Dr. J I couldn't have said it better myself…..classic…*smile*
Wondering if a post about "brooms" is a possibility . . . That'd be an interesting read.
Reading the comments today I think that we're going to see a lot of women who have been hurt in the past. Less men will admit they fell for a chick who was emotionally unavailable. It happens though, this is why I always recommend that men stay away from being the rebound. Most times you'll fall for a girl who is on the rebound and once she's rebounded from her last situation she drops you. Also, stay away from women you meet under effed up circumstances, one day she'll wake up and realize that what she needs is that good old fashioned and she'll drop you like a bad habit. Then there are women who are truly out there "doing them" they want all the benefits of having attention and affection, but they too will drop you once they feel like you are too clingy and inhibit them from doing what they want to do. I'll admit, i've been in all those situations before.
Personally, i've been dumped before and I didn't even know I was in a relationship. I drove a woman crazy because I would not be the boyfriend she wanted me to be. The problem was, I never knew I was her boyfriend. This is the slippery slope that men face; we've got to manage expectations and keep in mind that things grow without us actually growing them. Both sexes have the inexplicable ability to see things through their own focal lenses and then think that means it makes sense for the other person.
To take from 500 Days of Summer
Expectations
Man: I'm not looking for a girlfriend right now.
Woman: That's okay, I hate that people are always trying to put a title on things anyway.
Reality:
Man: We're just f*cking, i'm not looking for a girl right now, but should so happen a girlfriend falls in my lap, then don't get mad… when I stop calling.
Woman: Why would I waste years in a situation with a guy who after 2 years of "whatever the hell we were doing" decides that he's ready for a relationship, in the traditional way, with someone else? And why is it that because I was willing to work with him when he didn't want a relationship, why does that disqualify me from consideration now?
Man: Rules is rules.
Women can't help their bodies and their minds from venturing into fantasy when they think about a man they're sleeping with. Men do this too, but most men date down and women date up. Men settle and women often times hit the jackpot. This is why when a woman is cheating it's usually with a man who is a little better than her current man, but when a man is cheating it's with some basic broad who is uglier, or less qualified than his current woman.
For the emotionally unavailable: Truthfully, here's what's happening, you're telling these women the truth, but you're not being honest. You tell a kid that less than 1% of the people playing basketball in the hood will make it to the pros, but then you put the basketball in his hands and tell him to just have fun. He's still trying to make it to the league because there's a chance. Do what I did in my time of villainy; I was going though something, a chick wanted to kick it to me, I ducked and dodged her for weeks. Finally, she caught up to me and said, "I know you're not looking for anything serious, all i'm saying is neither am I." I pulled her aside and I said, "Listen to me, no listen to me and listen very carefully, can you hear me? I will f*ck you, I will f*ck you all night long, but I will not call you tomorrow, I will not care about you tomorrow, if months after we start f*cking you start calling me grimy because of something I do or don't do, please note that nothing I do should ever bother you because you won't be my girl, you won't be my FWB, we will have no expectations of each other, I do not care about you romantically. Do you still want to f*ck me?"
Now what she decided to do in that situation was up to her, but at the same time. That's the type of honesty you have to have. You can't be riding out with, "i'm not looking for anything serious right now." You selling Romance Dreams in the hood right there. "Right now" is a silent assassin of dialogue.
My recent post Morning Mail – 8.25.11
I agreed with everything but this part, “Men do this too, but most men date down and women date up. Men settle and women often times hit the jackpot.”
I actually think women settle more often than men when it comes to serious relationships. I agree with you on the cheating part but I think it’s more the fact that at some point men don’t really care as long as it is something new. Paraphrasing a quote I heard the other day and can’t remember the source:
If men want a steak, they will search and search, investigating all the finest steak houses in the land until they find the steak they want. If women want a steak, they will search until they get worried they won’t find any thing to eat at all and then settle for McDonalds.
Agreed. When it comes to serious relationships women will more than likely make that move with a lesser than dude, who feels he came up and needs to wife her. Where as the greater than dude generally will take much longer to settle down into a relationship because he has so many options.
She ends up cheating on less than with greater than.
Happens everyday B.
lmao at that Steak quote Wisdom
best post ever.
I wish I could like this entire post a million times.
My recent post RIP Aaliyah
http://bit.ly/oUkQ2n
That boy good!
The love I have for this comment cannot be properly expressed by just clicking a thumbs up!! You hit it right on the head! you cannot sell us hood dreams by saying right now, because even though it sounds dumb we will wait as long as possible if we think something will come of it in the end! I am willing to invest in a risky stock at this stage in my life (or I was before) because I am young enough to wait it out. If you are really being honest then you will tell me that there is no way that we will work. Yes, if I lose my investment then its my fault but maybe its because you didn't 100% explain the situation.
Dr. J, this was fabulous!
Sorry J. I meant to like your post… clicked the wrong one.
"For the emotionally unavailable: Truthfully, here's what's happening, you're telling these women the truth, but you're not being honest."
This is so real right here…
Cosign on the emotionally unavailable comments Dr. J…..Daps
amen.
I both laughed and cringed at this post. I've been THAT girl once…okay twice…alright, after the third I stopped counting.
Just as emotionally unavailable men eventually "snap out of it", the women who habitually love these types of men eventually snap out of it too. Do I look at my love for these men – and the irrational (yet unadmitted) thought that I could change them – as a failure? Ehhh maybe. But it kept my heart open. And when I eventually met an emotionally available, genuinely good guy who loved me back, I knew what I had. Losing in love sucks, but I'm convinced that it makes the inevitable (and ultimate) win even sweeter.
My recent post My Say Yes to the Dress: Atlanta Experience
I really appreciate this comment Alissa. It's a tough thing to say to a woman who has yet to find the person that's willing to be everything for her but it needs to be said. If you're still single but expecting to one day be happily married then you're perspective on your past relationships is inherently shortsighted. It's not until you look back at all those other relationships – through the eyes of someone who's perfectly happy and content that you really and truly realize what they mean to you.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
I'm sucha a Stan, I'm a lil giddy that you're commenting here Alissa. Like folks reaction to Bey being with child = my feeling right now…
*Sanjaya girl squeal* http://bit.ly/pivdEx
I'm glad to say that after a couple of these style heartbreaks, I've woman-ed up. I wish more men would walk away BUT I realize that is MY and only MY responsibility unfortunately. I still hope more would see the damage, and count their losses for my sake, but no longer will I ever rely on that.
When I've had "enough" I leave. Sitting around waiting, is wasting time. If his heart changes he'll come back, maybe i'm available, maybe i'm not.
trueprototype your a woman of my own heart….I completely agree and "leave when I've had enough"
Unfortunately for many other women when you truly "fall in love" with someone this is much easier said than done….men need to be more mindful of that.
From what I've heard and seen DC is full of women who are just as emotionally unavailable as men….try moving there….lol
I'm not even sure where to begin…my "feeling" at the end of reading this post and several of the comments made is that as a woman, I'm destined to be hurt in relationships and it's all my fault because I did or didn't do whatever. That I can't trust a man's words or actions when it comes to his true intent or feelings.
Side Note: I believe EVERYONE is responsible for his or her actions; you are knowingly misleading some one if you are being the "good guy" or "good woman" when you KNOW you don't want to commit REGARDLESS of what you "say"…actions speaking louder than words and all that jazz. And conversely, that person is volunteering to be mislead, if they refuse to believe only part of the situation, typically whatever part they feel good about (the words, ex. "I love you" ten times a day despite how he/she treats you; or their actions, despite what he says.) But you know, just because some one sets themselves up to be used doesn't make it "okay" to use them.
So, okay…I admit that this post struck a major nerve and came as close to a slap in the face as I'm willing to endure. It did however snap me out of whatever delusion I've been living with in my current situation. I've decided I'm tired of the games, the unspoken rules, the fact that no matter what, I'm going to get hurt. I'm opting out of the whole deal. Thanks for reminding me why I should be emotionally cut off in the first place, AND for showing me that I've been remiss in sticking to my guns as I am right now involved with a man who gave me an out that I didn't take. Since I am emotionally cut off, I shouldn't be in any kind of relationship, especially not this fake one I'm in right now. And yeah, it's fake….doing all the things a committed couple would do, knowing that at any moment, when the next, new, shiny model shows up, I'm out of the picture; or on my end, when I decide things are too close for comfort. Why bother with relationships at all?
Closed you should keep your heart and mind open because you should never give up on love….yes 20 men may not be "the one" but the next 2 or 3 you meet 1 or 2 may be. Dating is a "numbers game" for sho.
Don't check out but do be careful and use good judgement and common sense…thats all you can do…you cannot control other people, you can only control yourself.
But whatever you do don't give up on love…….because you don't want it to come and you've missed it.
You can imagine how many times I've been told to not give up, to "keep hope alive", lol. And as equally, the number of times I swore I had killed hope and left her buried in a unmarked grave only to find myself set up for the hurt again. It's a vicious cycle that I am just tired of. This post just shot me right back into feeling there is no hope. I dunno what to think, or feel, or believe when it comes to relationships anymore. SIGH.
General question: Where does one find “emotionally unavailable” women? I’m asking for a friend of course.
When she's fresh out of a LTR.
Could fall victim to the friend zone tho effin with a chick fresh out a LTR.
yea well he can't have his cake & eat it too..
And i told y'all the "friend zone" is a myth..if she won't do you, you being in the friend zone is not the reason why.
I've been trying to enlighten these SBM men about this very thing for a minute and they ain't trying to hear it.
I guess its easier to believe in the theory of the inescapable "friend zone" than to think that these fabulous women that you've grown to care about just doesn't want you, lol…smh.
yea, well we tried. *shrug*
#TheIrony I can't handle it!
We're all saying the same thing to each other, just changing pronouns and laying blame on the other party….grrrr.
I guess its easier to believe in the theory of the inescapable "friend zone" than to think that these fabulous women that you've grown to care about just doesn't want you, lol…smh.
and
I guess its easier to believe in the theory of the ain't ish men than to think that these fabulous
women that you've grown to care about just doesn't want you, lol…smh.Anyone else wanna bang their head into a wall? Just me? http://bit.ly/oforyi
*raises hand* Not just you.
lmao…Wisdom u will be hard pressed to find them unless your an unattractive guy with no job, car, your own place and nothhing goin for yourself…
Real Talk especially nowadays most all of us (men and women) me included *smile* are shallow.
We all like to look at pretty things and be around pretty people which is why we watch celebrities on t.v.
Many men who are in "friend zones" or men who women will sleep with and Not fall in love with and/or get emotionally attached to are men who aren't very physically attractive and/or men who have No Swag or Sex Appeal ie all the "Steve Urkel type brotha's…..
"…nowadays most all of us (men and women) me included *smile* are shallow…"
In that case, GLAD I'm not shallow… I keeps it RAW, rage and all… (shrug) All I can be is me…
"…We all like to look at pretty things…" (smile) Beauty is in the eye of the beholder…
"…and be around pretty people which is why we watch celebrities on t.v. " I don't and don't really give a f*ck about celebs… They're people like me, and I have my own life to live and to worry about…
"…Many men who are in "friend zones" or men who women will sleep with and Not fall in love with and/or get emotionally attached to are men who aren't very physically attractive and/or men who have No Swag or Sex Appeal ie all the "Steve Urkel type brotha's….. " Then there are brothers like me… I've had chicks who thought their p*ssy was SO good that my rage could be calmed down… (smile) Wanna know how THAT turned out? (smile) Couldn't handle the rain OR the hurricane…
Symbiotic my point is whether many folks choose to admit it or not they base whether they will get with someone or not and if they are feelin them on how good they look…men and women do this.
And for those who say I’m not shallow and I don’t do that …..tell me the most recent broke down lookin person you’ve talked to..? How many ladies would seriously talk to Forest Whittaker? Some of yall wouldn’t even talk to Wesley Snipes cause he’s so black….lol
And men how many of yall would holla at Monique if she was a regular chick? (and fella’s for Monique just started shaving her legs like last year) lol. Seriously….
Most all women no matter what they look like can be confident in their pu**y skills and think they got that whip appeal…some do. I’ve heard many a man say bbw’s give the best head, the best sex or whatever…….
Honestly Symbiotic if you saw your “fantasy chick” just walkin down the street ie Lisa Raye, Alicia Keyes, Stacy Dash, Nia Long or whoever….and Monique and The Weather Girls who would you holla at first?????
Some folks don’t like to admit but looks plays a huge part in how we deal with the opposite sex in relationships…..typically the more physically attracted you are to a person the more you tend to let them get away with for a longer period of time……it’s human nature.
I now tend to base "getting with" a female IF she is "feeling me"…
The "most recent broke down lookin person you've talked to" happened about seven months ago–had other chicks with that "what do F*CK is HE doing with HER" look wherever we went… I didn't give a F******CK…
I wouldn't holla at Monique because she seems to have to yell to get her point across—big turnoff…
if she was a regular chick? (and fella's for Monique just started shaving her legs like last year) lol. Seriously….
(smile) Lisa Raye, Alicia Keyes, Stacy Dash, Nia Long or whoever the celeb chick is is NOT my "fantasy chick"… (smile) You have NO idea WHAT are my fantasies… I'm too much into checking MY nature to be worried about human nature…
#Sub-Species of One
My recent post So Don’t You Fall In Love: A Thesis for Emotionally Unavailable Men
LOL… Maybe I could send some of my past your friend's way…
E'erybody HOL' up … Let me catch up with these comments real quick … Pleaseeeeee
LOL, right? Especially since you can't click to the most recent anymore or get the updates in your box! (pause?) LOL, this made me holla! (pause again?) LMAO
Lol … yeah these hidden replies are losing … i can't keep up with it … I like the old way more.
"Now the fact that we are emotionally unavailable doesn’t mean that we’re no longer desirous of a woman’s attention and affection…. and it most definitely doesn’t mean we’re no longer interested in sex. We will want all of those things, and we’re still going to work toward getting all of those things."
Here's the kicker for me. If you know you're emotionally unavailable, then why not avoid dating all together? Because you're selfish. You want the benefits of a relationship and will do what it takes to make a woman fall for you just enough so that you can get what you want. And then when she keeps falling,..well, you're not there to catch her.
And I'm sorry, but I've never met a guy who tells a lady up front that he's not interested in anything serious. I'm sure it happens…somewhere…but men typically are vague, and they ride out with it for as long as they can because they know consequences come with full-disclosure.
I honestly don't feel too strongly about this either way,however. I've never been hurt from a non-relationship, but my dating experience is limited. I know women need to take more responsibility when it comes to their love lives, but I think it'd be great if men considered more than just their own wants and desires when getting involved with these ladies. Delayed gratification is supposed to be a good thing, but I suppose some of us will never know ( or ever care enough to find out.)
“…I’ve never met a guy who tells a lady up front that he’s not interested in anything serious…” (smile) You’ve met one… From my experience, a dude can beat the brakes off a broad with brass knuckles of truth, but, it’s ultimately the female’s decision to listen.
“… but men typically are vague…” (smile) And, some men are so transparent that some females react like they’ve seen Casper…
“…they know consequences come with full-disclosure…” One of which is the possibility that the female being told the truth won’t receive it… (smile) Whether that’s due to delusion or what…
“…I know women need to take more responsibility when it comes to their love lives…” LOL… No ish?!
“…but I think it’d be great if men considered more than just their own wants and desires when getting involved with these ladies…” Been there, still doing that…to a certain degree. If you aren’t mindful of you own wants and desires, who will? (shrug) One must be honest with oneself before being honest with others… If all you want is a$s, then say what you mean and mean what you say while going after it… If you want is more than a$s, then say what you mean and mean what you say while going after that… Life’s too short for uncertainty, games, OR confusion…from man OR woman…
Why date because we enjoy the company of women. Dating doesnt necessarily equate to looking for a relationship, maybe we are looking for people who we enjoy the company of.
"If you know you're emotionally unavailable, then why not avoid dating all together? Because you're selfish."
So basically if you're not trying to be in a relationship, you shouldn't deal with anybody at all? **scratches head**
I think the better solution here is to be more careful in who you deal with…for both men and women. Everybody is selfish. People want what's best for them. It's just as selfish to say a man should be alone and not enjoy the company of women simply because he doesn't want a relationship.
My recent post Happy Birthday MJ. You Are Missed.
To me "dating" means "potentially looking." So yea, if you're not really looking for a relationship, then don't act like you are….don't treat her like your gf.
Hanging out & getting to know a person doesn't = dating to me.
But you're right. Everybody is selfish.
"Hanging out & getting to know a person doesn't = dating to me."
I'm curious, what do you call it then?
Hanging out. The way friends do.
Ex:
When I go to a movie with my friends, we each pay for our own ticket. On a date, the guy (usually) pays.
I may go out to eat with my friends where I eat wings and drink long islands & take patron shots. On a date, I'm going to dinner— a one-on-one activity—and I definitely won't eat something messy like wings in the beginning. And if I drink anything at all, it'll be something like wine.
To me when you're dating, you've already expressed a romantic interest in that person. But if you already know it won't lead to anything serious, then why ever express the romantic interest? Why even go there?Why not just be friends?
My recent post prettykeety: @MrSpradley I directed one of my homegirls to your SBM post today. She said it was really good, and she's a tough critic.
And I think another solution (as opposed to not dating at all) is being completely honest BEFORE things get too deep. And by too deep, I mean before you have sex. Because spending time together, inside & outside of the bedroom, causes confusion when there's no title.
Be honest and let her make an informed decision about whether or not she wants to keep seeing you.
I am dealing w/ a man now who told me originally that he didnt want a relationship. I had just gotten out of one myself when we met so I was ok w/that. I put up my emotional walls to ensure I didn't fall. Everytime I talked to him dude told me how nonchalant & cold I seemed. He could sense the walls. I still kept them up. Then one day outta the blue, he told me that he loved me. I was shocked. I asked if he meant that he loved me as a friend. He said he "loved me, loved me". That was the moment in our relationship when I let my guard down. With this bold & seemingly sincere proclamation I thought he was finally to ready to love again. I didn't feel the need to guard my heart at the same level anymore b/c he had changed. He was saying all of the right things & his actions were backing it up. As soon as I was emotionally vulnerable he when back into his original mode & started telling me that he didn't want anything serious.
At this point I'm not sure what exactly he wants b/c everytime I put distance between us he calls and calls asking why I'm not talking to him, yada yada yada. Now it just seems like a big game to him. I can't understand why he goes back in forth…sometimes he's affectionate, tells me he loves me and other times he's an ice cube. I guess this goes back to phonte/slow it down "i wanna girl when i wanna a girl and when i don't wanna girl….". but I feel more like lauryn in xfactor "no matter how i think we grow you always seem to let me know this ain't working & when i try to walk away you hurt yourself to make me stay this is crazy"
Loneice "I think u need to let it go…looks like another love tko"…..
I understand both sides, but bottom line fella's….if you look good (or halfway decent) and are neat clean and "got it goin on" in every sense of the word ie career, dress good, smell good, nice car, make good money, can cook and are an all around chivalrous and good man then yes many women will want you and if you holla at one and start sleeping with her regardless of what you say she will want to be with you exclusively. One of the main things practically Every woman wants more than anything in a relationship is to feel like she is the only woman in your world (whether she is or not she needs to feel like she is to be secure in the relationship and give complete trust).
Men if you know this proceed cautiously and act accordingly. At the end of the day fella's you want to get exactly what you want from the relationship…no more, no less. But if you have a good idea of how women are and what your potentially getting yourself into then why go there? It's better to be safe than sorry and in the end it's not even worth it.
Outside of the commentary presented in the comments that I actually took the time to read, this article/blog is real. What we women do not want to admit is that we want the same thing. We are not always "available" sometimes we just want the company of a man and are not sure how to say, you know I think you are cool but really I need to work on me, and sometimes WOMEN, do not know how to work on them cause they are too busy trying to change that unavailable man. I know that right not I an not emotionally available-however without the stigma of just having an ass buddy, I "play"-LISTEN TO THIS WHILE YOU READ (http://bamalovesoul.com/2011/08/25/goapele-play/) the game. I have told dudes I am not the one to love right now…and I am not sure when that will change. They see it as a challenge to their manhood. I am jaded I am clear about this but penis and Penelope , when they get to talking other things rule the body. But I digress.
Good Writing and thoughtful example of what a woman needs to be on the look out for, for her own self interest and the interest of the man she is "dealing with".
PSA to WOMEN reading this:
Its okay to not being a relationship all the time, if you don't take the time to learn you then how you gone learn someone else. IM JUST SAYING
comment cont'd.
I've had many male friends go thru this and end up blaming the woman saying "she's trippin"
The other part is realistically most men either don't tell a woman how they really feel about her and what they really want and/or don't want or they are very vague about it…..and lets be real about it…the reason is because if she's fine and they like her and wanna "hit it" freely they don't want anything getting in the way of that and honestly would rather deal with the blow up on the back end from the woman than risk loosing access to the "goodies" on the regular.
So this thing right here fella's is something yall need to figure out and work out the best way to handle these situations.
comment cont'd.
But then most men I know can take the Backlash at the end because once they get whatever they want from that woman be it sex, companionship, affection or whatever they can move on to the next one.
Granted many good men with good hearts do feel bad because they don't enjoy hurting women…but they can fairly quickly and easily get over it and move on.
Breebree, baby, you can put all these in one posts. Don't worry we don't do 'too long; didn't read' here.
Hey Malik….I've tried that and I got "too long u long winded heffa" lol
Seriously for some reason it only let me type a limited number of characters….
Maybe it's my computer….these damn Dells….lol
Next time I'll try putting my comments in one long azz post again….*smile*
Ladies, if a man tells you he's emotionally unavailable, you need to become sexually unavailable. No need to get your emotions even accidentally caught up. He may be a good guy, even though he only wants to bed women, but if you're a good girl and actually want more, please don't be afraid to say no to these often appealing men for someone who IS available. Because, as you can see, no one's going to be sympathetic to your plight if you fall after they warned you.
THIS!!!!
"Ladies, if a man tells you he's emotionally unavailable, you need to become sexually unavailable."
This is a rule I can agree to and abide by. We need more people.
My recent post First Draft: Maybe I Expect too Much From Love
“Ladies, if a man tells you he’s emotionally unavailable, you need to become sexually unavailable.”
My sentiments exactly…..*smile*
"Ladies, if a man tells you he's emotionally unavailable, you need to become sexually unavailable."
Yes! Great solution!
Ladies, if a man tells you he's emotionally unavailable, you need to become sexually unavailable.
Quote of the Day.
I can cosign this. It's all about personal responsibility.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
Exactly. As simple as that.
My question to the men is what is so difficult and hard about being "emotionally available" and falling in love?
Men when yall can get past that fear of "love" and really be able to fully receive it and embrace it and not be afraid yall just might be in for a very pleasant surprise and be glad you became fearless….*smile*
It's not about being difficult. It's about being convenient.
My recent post Happy Birthday MJ. You Are Missed.
Nah, it's about being difficult. Men avoid love because it's difficult, and they know they'd have to be depended on, which is something they don't want. "Emotionally unavailable" men, in my opinion, are just flaky, undependable men, which makes them pretty useless romantically. Sure, they have the D, but there are inventions that exist to replace even that. If that's ALL they're bringing to the table, then you need to make a $30 purchase and hold out for someone more on your page, ladies.
How so Slim…..inquiring minds want to know?
Keep in mind that timing plays a huge part in love. Plenty of men are emotionally available and fall in love. It happens all the time. The marriage industry is in no danger of going out of business. This post is about women who want to force a man who is unavailable to become available. Women feel no necessity to force themselves to be in a relationship when they aren't ready, so why should a man?
If a man says he's not available, and you want a relationship, then don't pursue him! Women have no problem avoiding men who don't meet their income requirements, physical requirements, etc. But for some reason they'll pursue a man who doesn't meet their emotional requirements.
"The marriage industry is in no danger of going out of business. "
Constant blog posts such as this and conversations with my male peers make me worry this might not be accurate. We shall see…
Great points Hugh Jazz…..However, it still doesn't answer the question what are men really afraid of?
Folks need to realize that married folks aren't problem, stress, and drama free…….If your trying to avoid those things and want a "happily ever after fairytale" then you need to stay single for life.
Also be mindful of the fact that there are no guarantees. Everybody in your life who loves you and cares about you will treat you great and give you the world on a silver platter……until you do or say something to royally vex them and piss them off…..thats when the drama begins.
Good post.
Not surprised that the lines were drawn early. Good points being made on both sides.
The thing that stands out to me is the difference in expectations upon meeting someone of the opposite sex. Men seem to meet someone and the initial expectation is to get to know them. Women on the other hand seem to jump to thoughts of a relationship. Maybe this plays a big role in the already massive amount of confusion between the sexes.
Lets be honest as well, when it comes to contradictory actions and words, people latch on to whatever makes them feel best.
"when it comes to contradictory actions and words, people latch on to whatever makes them feel best."
As someone with a BA in Psychology I cosign on this statement…..simple human nature…
I think it’s unfair to say that women don’t try to get to know men, and that we automatically jump to thinking about relationships. I think a lot of men have no concept of time, because the truth of the matter is a woman will be in a getting to know you phase for a period of 3 to 6mts, and sometimes a year. When she eventually starts hitting you with the I want a “relationship”, it seems to me that yall be looking around talking about “what? we just met”.
I went thru this scenario, and the woman told me I only gave the disclaimer bc I wanted to remove my responsibility of hurting her.. I honestly think its a psych game we use on women. If you see a road sign that says Cliff ahead, dont look crazy when your car is going off the cliff.
"It’s because men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself. If you’ve been giving us all of you while requiring nothing more than our bare minimum then that negatively affects how much we believe you value yourself and we know in our heart we can never be with you."
Ahhh, yes. My mama been sayin' this for years. Sounds too much like right!
First off, I luh The Weeknd.
Very honest post… in which I appreciated the honesty.
"What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him?"
This is a toughie because "solving" this problem presupposes that you can control whether a woman falls for you. Hell, I'm not even entirely convinced that SHE can control it. I guess the best you can do is be honest with her upfront (which a lot of men… aren't) and leave it up to the lady to decide if she's ready for that… emotionally.
Here's one thing: Don't bring your "A" sex game for starters. Studies have shown that the hormone oxytocin (If i recall correctly) is a bonding hormone, which is usually released at two points in life: When a woman breastfeeds and when she achieves orgasm. This can means either she's bonded to "him" or to the man himself.
Ladies, I need you to understand that a man doesn't have to be emotionally attached to you to want to fcuk you. All you have to do is be visually and sexually appealing to him and he'll want to fcuk. If you think you're going to use a nut to get him to fall in love with you, that is tricking. Men as a rule don't choose to love somebody who tricks. (yes, it is tricking though there may be no money involved, the consideration in this exchange is sex with the premise of creating a real relationship: a means to an end) The danger with falling in love is that you may not be able to control where you land, or even how you land. It's better to learn how to walk and grow in love. With walking, you have the complete freedom to change direction if you find out you're heading in the wrong direction as opposed to falling, in which there is only one direction to go: DOWN.
Whew lawd. First off, Most thanks for the song link. I looooooooove this song. #OnRepeat3
I don’t think I’ve ever fallen for a guy who gave me the upfront “don’t fall for me” warning. I have fallen for guys who SHOULD HAVE given that warning b/c they were in that place. If I hear a man say, “Well I’m not really looking for a rela–” I’m asking for the check before dessert hits the table. I’m OUTTIE. As a woman I know we always see the good or potential in a man, especially if he’s doing everything so right… but as my friends say… “Your ovaries are not fresh forever.” LOL. I don’t have time to be out here being nobody’s heart handyman. So my propensity to fall for a man who is incapable of loving is thwarted by my belief that ‘if someone shows/tells you who they are…’ you should believe them. So if he is not moving in the same direction as me and as given me no ETA as to when he’ll arrive in destination: loving relationship… and that’s what I’m looking for, then I gotta be out. No ifs ands or buts about it. I feel so good making that statement b/c I’ve done it a few times recently. Knowing I’ve avoided unnecessary heartache/stife is the best part… I’m not still wondering “if” about our future. There wasn’t one. Sometimes I think it baffles the man how fast I’ve moved along… and you know why? Because they are used to us sticking around anyways… DONT BE THAT GIRL.
Futhermore, fellas… don’t be a douche. You know there is a CLEAR point when you are doing the absolute MOST and she is falling hard. Be that “good guy” you claim to be and take 2 steps back or give her a gentle reminder of your state. Don’t claim to be the good guy one way and then ignore the responsibilities or actions the other way.
This is a point that I glossed over because I sometimes assume that folks are like me and know what I mean cause we all go about dating similarly- major flaw obviously. But you (and PrettyKetty and others) are right. I've never fallen for a dude that gave me the upfront warning either, I'm looking for a relationship, he tells me that he's not and I'm not emotionally invested, I'm out. But the guy that I fell so hard for alerted me of his EU after three months, after I had already fell in love…though to be fair, I should've seen the signs…I tried to love him through it, guess who ended up hurt…
There are plenty of emotionally unavailable women out here as well, I dont understand why all the emotionally unavailable people dont just get together and stop complicating everyone else's life.
lmao…good answer Mika…
But Mika, think logically for a minute. If you're an EUA man, and you're looking for a like-minded woman how would you go about finding her? You'd tell every woman you met and were interested in that you were unavailable and wait for one to say she's ok with that right? Right?
Is there a dating service for emotionally unavailable folks?
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I would say just be blantant and say "I just want to f*ck, nothing more, nothing less" and then follow up with just "f*cking", no extras as in going out on dates, getting to know eachother, etc. Anyone that thinks its okay to be EUA and then get to know someone, take them out, wine and dine them under the disguise of being a "Nice Guy/Girl" is a fraud and is playing games.
lol and YES they should make a dating service for EUA's, no sense in you guys mixing with the general population.
"Anyone that thinks its okay to be EUA and then get to know someone, take them out, wine and dine them under the disguise of being a "Nice Guy/Girl" is a fraud and is playing games."
THIS.
Here is the problem with that. Certain groups of people do not seek out like minded people because like minded doesn't always translate into complimentary. Ex. Abusers don't seek out other abusers, they seek out the mindset that is susceptible to being abused. People who run the streets constantly don't seek out other people who do the same, they want somebody that's a homebody so that they don't have to worry about where that person is and who they're with. Emotionally unavailable people are the same way. They don't seek out those that are like them, they need somebody different that's going to be there. Ironically, some of these same people need a degree of stability and security and two emotionally unavailable people together would be anything but.
I'm kinda re-emerging from being emotionally unavailable. The last 4 years i've been EU and to be honest, I mistakenly made the mistake of going along with a relationship (6 mos) during this stage. Not something i'm proud of in the least bit, but i was trying to convince myself that i could do it. Needless to say, i failed and in turn the relationship failed not too long after.
Aside from that one slip, as Most stated, a good man believes in communication, effective communication at that. So alot of the guys you ladies are referencing aren't explicitly communicating their intent and therefore don't apply to what Most is saying. A man that uses your hopes, ideals, and expectations against you to get what he wants is in the wrong EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I make it a point to let a woman know exactly what i'm on. Sometimes it just happens to come up after we've engaged sexually a few times and other times it's before we've seen each other naked. For me, it depends on how wholesome or how much of a good girl i THINK she is. If she's a good girl, i'm going to make sure she knows what she's getting into if she indeed decides to pursue the situation.
Either way, if logic/reason/and emotional control are at the forefront of a man's mind when engaging a women, it's important for him to let her know explicitly and through how he engages her that he is indeed EU. I personally make it a point to keep a woman at bay and only hangout with her once a week tops as well as limit communication as best as possible if i'm EU.
Top why does it depend on whether she's a "good girl" or not????
If you know what you want and or don't want why not explicitly and clearly explain with all the women you date PRIOR TO THE SEX! For your own best interest and peace of mind.. ….not just hers.
In this scenario, here's my definition/characteristics of a good girl:
Good girl = a woman who's intently looking for an exclusive love/relationship from a man who is capable and willing to provide such w/o any prohibiting disclaimers.
I can tell if a woman is clearly looking for love/relationship vs. a woman who's willing to hang and have fun and possibly progress into a relationship if all bodes well.
It's probably easier to simply assume that every woman wants "something more" and act accordingly, but that would leave out the population of "girls who just want to have fun", so i'd rather not assume.
So if i deem her a "good girl" i'll tell her outright once we get to that point and if she's exploring then i'll tell her once i detect attachment or feelings.
"If you know what you want and or don't want why not explicitly and clearly explain with all the women you date PRIOR TO THE SEX"
If we have sex early (inside the first 3 dates/hangouts during the getting to know u stage) then it's hard to have that conversation because there hasn't been anything established yet. She could possibly not even dig me like that while i'm telling her what my intentions are or i guess i could risk ruining the mood and tell her as we're passionately kissing and taking are clothes off.
Thanks for giving your definition of what a "good girl is"
Yes I am indeed aware of the not so good girl good girls.
I actually think you don't to be honest, I think you have been a victim of socialization as well as conditioning that a woman who looks a certain way or bats her eyes a certain way determines "how she is". – That is a all a falsity wrapped inside a tight skirt. I used to be that "good girl" but kept meeting men like you so I became a manist (a woman who is not a feminist but a Maninst) I do and move like most men do but only in a skirt and believe me they have no clue what to do with it. I used to cling for attention and be all wrapped in what he wanted, then I met you or how you describe you (in the above post over and over) and as a result I am a jaded, gorgeous 30 yr old who could give two f*cks about what you think you want. Cause in reality I tell dudes, I don't want you, really you are appealing in the moment and well when the moment is passed, I tell you. And most of you have your heads up your butts when it comes to women. But then again I am jaded so I might not be the best source!
It just like when I met "Most", first thing he said to me was offensive but I let it ride and found a really good dude underneath it all. I think men have this cookie-cutter idea of what woman is! and I live in this body everyday, so I can tell you what it REALLY is!….Just my thought
I can't touch a woman and know her present and past on some Bruce Willis "Unbreakable" type stuff nor can i look at her and tell. I've like literally studied woman since my freshman year of college (so it's been 8 years). I'm talking Dr. Phil ish, Friend Zone ish, Gf ish, Dating ish, forum ish, etc. I can tell which one is which only through conversation and not just one either.
There is nothing that i've said up until this point that says i'm a victim of socialization or that i've been conditioned a certain way, so what u just did is took me as a man and generalized what u think i know based upon some social theory that u've come up with through what you think you know. Doesn't work here sweetheart. Not only am i sociologically adept, but also psychologically. I don't fall within conventional thinking.
I am not a fool and by no means do I trust a woman as far as i can throw her ESPECIALLY if she's single.
First and foremost I am not your sweetheart, I have a name, It's for the purpose of this comment "OmoObatala" feel free to use it in the most respectful way. My opinions of you are based on the words you expressed about how you decide to not be more than forth coming to your counter part based on what your objective is or is not- I did not make a character assessment so please do not attempt to say I did- I merely responded based on what I read, assessed, and replied. As far as intelligences go, I too am well-educated. I have not "come up" with as you say-some type of theory about what I read. I have studied – academically – as well as socially the 'ins' and 'outs' of relationships as they directly related to our shared condition. What I gathered from your statements is that you haven't really turned the mirror on yourself to understand why you do what you do when you are in those as you stated "EU" moments. I do not want you to take any offense to my observation right, cause who am I. A woman who lives in this world and is constantly objectified, dismissed or told you are not- I apologize if you feel attacked by the words I used to describe what I see. The funny thing about this is- I too believe that I am victim to socialization and the conditioning of my ancestors.
I think it is interesting your need to proclaim with just a hint of "cocky", that you are no fool and that you are psychologically equipped to handle a woman who you will not throw too far because you don't trust her to begin with…. so my question is why deal in the first place if you are not going to take the time to know the soul that you are going to interact with?
In one of your earlier post you stated something along the lines of you don't or are not fourth coming sometimes until post coitus As a woman reading that, no observation needed…guys like you I smell a mile AWAY……
My opinions of you are based on the words you expressed about how you decide to not be more than forth coming to your counter part based on what your objective is or is not
False…I decide to be forthcoming based on how i perceive my counterpart's objective is. If sex happens inside the initial getting to know each other stage then it's too early to tell what anybody's intent is, so therefore that period of time should be exempt from judgement. But if I grow to know a woman's objective as it relates to me then it is at that point where I state my own. If i can't tell up until that point and if the conversation has not been had then there's no one to blame for motives.
Looking back, I can honestly say that i was more than likely EU, but in the moment I felt that i became EU when i realized that the woman wasn't someone that i wanted a relationship with. And once u string along women who i didn't see fit together then it seems as though i was EU to begin with, which may or may not be the case.
It's not that i don't trust her, it's just that I wouldn't dare put a thing past a woman because she's a woman and women are inherently trustworthy. That's how men get burned. They put blinders on and think their girl would never do any harm, but turns out she's sleeping with a guy that she works with once a week. With that being said, I automatically give trust, which is a bit contradictory, but it's not until i detect otherwise.
By the way, who said i don't take the time to get to know someone. I thrive off getting to know ppl, whether it turns into something or not. I want to know everybody that i spend time with … It only makes sense.
It's not that i don't trust her, it's just that I wouldn't dare put a thing past a woman because she's a woman and women are inherently trustworthy. REALLY!!!
Are you serious? I want to me the woman that made you believe that ALL women all of the planet are inherently trustworthy cause thats a learned trait and not everyone got that lesson.
I hope that in this little exchange you have learned something cause I know I have!!!!
I was being sarcastic.
"I can tell if a woman is clearly looking for love/relationship vs. a woman who's willing to hang and have fun and possibly progress into a relationship if all bodes well."
If this is the case, why not STOP APPROACHING THESE WOMEN? That's seriously what I thought you were about to say. I thought it was going to read, "I can tell immediately when a woman wants more, so I avoid those women." But instead, you went on to say you continue to deal with them, get some, and when they do what you KNEW they would do, you bail. That's not cool. Do guys not realize this isn't cool?
That's why Wild Cougar is correct. Even EU dudes don't want DTF chicks. They'd rather deal with legit chicks who want more, give the disclaimer, get the perks, then bail when the legit chick gets feelings (like they knew they would).
DTF? I do not like acronyms so I don't learn them…HELP!
Down to F***
Thanks…..
I can see how u were confused by what i said. To clarify, if i detect a "good girl" I do avoid her romantically if at all possible. But i think it's also all case specific. If i'm confident that she can't handle a casual situation then i won't proceed. If i think she can handle a casual situation for the time being then i'll proceed. In both instances, she'll know my frame of mind tho.
Yes thanks for explaining Top……*smile*
Umm, Explain yourself please:
"how wholesome or how much of a good girl i THINK she is. If she's a good girl, i'm going to make sure she knows what she's getting into if she indeed decides to pursue the situation. "
Cause let me tell you there are women out here that ain't know kind of good, (yes I said ain't) and they will take you for a run, and that good girl well. You didn't thinks he was "wholesome" enough to even attmept….. what are we back in the 1800's?
Susan B Anthony said it best, A woman should rely on a man to take care of her, she should rely on the needs of her self to be taken care of"….
If you are EU then you should say that…no matter what type of woman you think she is or is not, cause please believe (LADIES IM SORRY) we know how to hide shit REAL WELL!!!!
I appreciate the post! Very insightful.
What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him?
I know this doesn't always work, but with me it works…the open communication. When he let's me know he's not looking for anything serious right now, I put in him the "can't be more than friends" category. It hasn't really been difficult for me and I really really appreciate the guys who are upfront about it.
The guys that aren't haven't really been a problem either because it ain't too hard to tell. Look at what's talked about, where the conversation is going, and who is leading the "situationship." When a man wants you like that, there is little confusion.
Should he just lose your number and disappear, is that what you’d prefer? Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)?
I personally don't need all of that or any of that, but many have called me emotionally unavailable. I'm not! It just takes a very special guy to peek and maintain my emotional interest.
"If I met someone who I found interesting enough to date now, I probably would tell them that I will start taking applications next May."
I don't recommend saying that, unless you'd like to come off as a conceited jerk…
Yea…probably not the right thing to say. lol. I have been struggling with this for the last couple of weeks b/c it is inevitable that I will meet someone interesting to date in the 6-9 months. My thing is that I hate to get to know someone and then seeing the potential for a relationship. And not being able to act on it b/c of my hiatus. Then you have a situation where the girl would get her feelings hurt. I think it might be better (for me at least) to not put myself in that particular situation.
If your hiatus is self-imposed, and you meet someone you'd like to date, you can very easily lift the relationship embargo.
"Loved by a woman you have but moderate feelings for is one of the more frustratingly difficult places a man can find himself…" (smile) As is having moderate feelings for an emotionally unavailable woman…
"…One of the biggest sources of confusion around emotionally unavailable men is this myth that emotionally unavailable men are, by nature of their existence, flawed…" Since I know that emotionally unavailable women aren't necessarily "damaged", I fail to see how the same isn't seen for emotionally unavailable men…
"…sometimes we’ve been hurt and are not interested in feeling that again…" (shrug) Yep… That's me…
What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men?
(blink then shrug)
What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him?
I've tried and will continue to try "the good guy" approach–warning… I've tried this with a female once—"I've been emotionally damaged by a recent female douchbag, and that means that the symbiont within me has problems bonding right now" (smile) As expected, she only "half-listened"… SMH…
Should he just lose your number and disappear…
(smile) That's the b*tch-ass n*gga way out… Instead, usually in my experience, the female went the n*gga-ass b*tch route—SHE lost MY number and disappeared… SMH… Can't out-b*tch karma when such happens to you, my female readers… (smile)
Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)?
Again, to me, this is the b*tch-ass n*gga way out… (smile) But, I continue to find it amusing that this is the only way females tend to get the point… SMH…
And for the fellas, have you been here before?
Look… I have a motto–"Don't call a female a woman unless she's proven worthy of the title–consistently…" Hence, I will remain "emotionally unavailable" until the female close-by proves that she can handle me being emotionally available. Any hint of not being able to handle for what she asked concerning emotional availability means summary disengagement. Life's too short for uncertainty…
Have you gone through a phase where you were emotionally unavailable. What caused it?
LOL… Didn't I answer this at least implicitly in the above? If not, a quote from myself last week…
"…I never expected to receive love […] since it was clear that I was only "an organic dildo" from most [women in my experience] and that I was as expendable as all other black men to [other women in my experience]…
What did you tell the women you became interested in during that time and how did those relationships turn out?
Now I KNOW I had I did answer this one above…
Most importantly, when and if you came out of it, did you go back to her? (raises eyebrow) Why? The one of whom I had mentioned ditched me, NOT the other way around… (shrug) May be worth a novel…
"Should he just lose your number and disappear, is that what you’d prefer?"
YES!!! I don't wanna be treated like trash and I won't be able to help myself from falling if he's as good as you say. Either he loses my number or I lose his – problem solved.
"Overshare in the comments"
This made me chuckle hehe. *Ok back to the comments.
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Most, Im glad you touched on this..I do this all the time when I'm in a serious relationship and I consider myself a good dude..Its not intentional its just part of the nature of me..
In a man's mind we have theses spaces that need to be filled, look at them as these empty boxes…each box represents and achievement if you will..great job = box, wife and kids = box, $$ to afford said wife and kids = box…now these achievements kinda sort don't really have emotions attached..I mean they do when necessary, but usually as we fill a box its pretty much on to the next block/achievement…Some, not all men feel like in order to fill that specific block we need to be focused…unfortunately focused can sometimes mean emotionally unavailable…at least that's been my track record..
A good woman takes the time to understand her man and deal with him accordingly…in fact she can help him understand that its ok to let her in and even share these achievements…none of us comes with instruction manuals so take ya time and learn!
Finally something I feel like everyone has over looked. It's not all about being EU, you have to think about what is causing it…recent break up, spiritual cleansing, pursuit of success. I've read the comments, it's simply an excuse. An "emotional unavailable" man is a man putting a guard up for one reason or another. When a good woman come around, he will use this excuse but often say he's EU to remind himself…even if she's EU as well.
Most have said they don't go for the woman that stood by them…is it because they gave them everything they needed at that time including the goods?
This is by far one of the most pleasant pieces of information I have read in a long while. The ability to clearly state in the matter of a precise 2,000 word type essay what is plaguing women who want to be in relationships with men that are not in a place to be in a relationship is fascinating to say the least. My theory is that most women do not know what they want and have to go through a few trials and errors before they realize what they really want and along the way comes a man who is everything you think you want – WRONG – what women do at this point is STOP LISTENING – mostly to themselves and to the words coming out of his mouth. What I have learned is you know a person within the first seconds of meeting them and most people do tell some form of the truth when you ask a direct question or when they give a direct statement. If a man tells you he is not ready ladies guess what HE AIN'T ready. Either you get on the band wagon or you don't either way you both need to clearly and directly need to communicate with each other, not your girls or his boys.
I know for me when I am not trying to be serious with someone I create private rendezvous and leave everyone that is not involved out of it. I think the big mistake is taking that girl who you aint tryna be serious without into the world. Yeah you can go out, but aint no introductions of friends and family That shouldn't happen that creates a false sense of hope. But hey what do I know. I like being single-for now anyway
Emotionally unavailable……..Actions speak louder than words. I have mixed feeling about this article because I've dealt with an "emotionally unavailable" man that treated me like a Queen. As well as been an emotionally unavailable woman. Read Men Don't Heal We Hoe, The Emotional Instability of Men. This book makes alot of sense. AND it applies to women as well. People need to recognize, accept and deal with whats making them emotionally unavailable. Nothing wrong with being a great guy. Thats what draws us to you. But women are emotional creatures and if you live by action vs words, action is going to overrule everytime even when you try hard to let it not. It doesn't make us wrong because "you told us so". Its makes us human. If you are emotionally unavailable, DON"T DATE! Good actions vs bad words will always cause confusion. Get yourself emotionally stable so that you don't chance losing a great person.
What an awesome post!
Bottom line: as long as the man is honest and up front with her, he is not responsible for her falling. I don't care how many expensive restaurants, upscale bars/lounges he takes her to…how sweet his kisses are…if he tells you the truth from the beginning you have to decide if you can handle it but in the end if you fall, you can not blame him. And even if he is not honest and does not communicate to you that he is emotionally unavailable, the signs are always there…most times actions speak louder than words and even in this scenario I wouldn't put the blame on him, because by a certain age….i'd say 25 years old, us women should have this game figured out.
What if that woman was pursing other interest? What if that woman wasn't concerned with being in a relationship….and out the gate she meets a man like that one "Most" described? Really….?
If we as humans move away from SEXUAL and move more towards COMPANIONSHIP, we wouldnt have post like this. cause a companion can and does handle all of the examples we have presented in these post…
Great post, Most:
"Have you gone through a phase where you were emotionally unavailable."What caused it?"
Yeah, more or less. Being fresh out of school and starting a fairly demanding career. I guess I had a full plate, but no real room for dessert (a serious relationship)
"What did you tell the women you became interested in during that time and how did those relationships turn out?"
I basically told them I was single by choice and not actively looking for a relationship currently, but obviously if something came along and found me then I would have to consider.
"Most importantly, when and if you came out of it, did you go back to her?"
Nah, they usually have already moved on and found boyfriends/got married and/or pregnant, etc.. etc…
"I basically told them I was single by choice and not actively looking for a relationship currently, but obviously if something came along and found me then I would have to consider."
This right here is the reason why women hang on for longer than they should.. I'm not going in on you, but that right there sends a mixed message. No woman is going to feel like we aren't the "right one" call it being egotisical or what have you, but contrary to popular believe, we have more self esteem than we get credit for.
Yeah, I knew I would hear it from someone when I wrote that, but just keeping it 100. The way I view things its rarely I'll think of the "possiblity", but more or less of the "probability" of the situation. In other words when a man says I'm not looking for anything right now it's not entirely impossible that you wont be the one he decides to settle down with, but it's not highly probable.
This is why Vegas, and casinos in general, stay #winning. All of the games you play gives the House a distinct advantage and you a low probability of coming out ahead. Sure you can stick around and hope to hit the jackpot, but odds are you'll run out of money first before you get a chance to hit it big. Where do you think the phrase "cut your losses" came from? The other side of this analogy is obvious, so won't waste characters going into it here, but this is, in general, how I look at a lot of situations.
It's simple. Men, your words and actions should match up. If this isn't happening, you're being deceitful. Women, if you are not getting what you want and need from a man, leave. Why would you give a man your all when he is only offering you a piece of himself?
Both parties have equal responsibility, but what an emotionally unavailable man is doing is this situation is just plain mean. If you're a good dude, you're basically showing the girl how amazing you would be if the two of you were together, but refusing to be with her completely. No wonder the poor girl is sitting there praying for God to change your heart and whatnot.
This logic is flawed because you're using your own interpretation of our actions to create a baseline definition. Totally flawed way of thinking. Instead of ignoring what we say, and basing your emotions of what we do, instead look at our actions and believe us when we tell you what those actions mean. Don't apply your own definition all willy nilly. Ask us what we mean if you're confused.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men?
Nothing. Or that's what you should expect. It's only a matter of time before the "relationship" goes south. An emotionally available person and an emotionally unavailable person is like oil and vinegar…it doesn't mix.
What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him?
Deal w/ escorts or hookers. I mean, seriously….there's no way a man can expect a woman not to fall for him if he's "playing" the role. Honesty and communication are great…and yes, it at the point, it becomes the woman's choice to stick around. However, what about this emotionally unavailble dude being honest w/ himself. Stop dating and reflect on what got you to this point of checking out emotionally.
First, let me say that some of the fellas comments were pissing me off till I got to Malik's comment, Dr. J's Hitch comment and his comment that followed. I'm all for accountability for as long as it's going both ways.
I think the question "Are you emotionally available" is more important than "Do you want anything serious"…cause the dude's emotions will determine the answer to the latter question. My most serious, impactful relationships have been with men who weren't looking for anything serious initially. But, for whatever reason, they eventually opened themselves up to what was happening between us. I think I've experienced relationships that just didn't work. I don't think I've ever really experienced what's described in the post…and I pray I never do.
I do habitually fall for guys who are "in progress"…progress (the pursuit of it and in other cases the lack there of) ultimately taking priority over emotions (his or mine). *shrugs* I'd complain, but at least I know I get that heart. I guess I should be somewhat grateful… -_-
I'm all for accountabitlity for as long as it's going both ways.
yup… me too.
Must've been talking about me.
I've been accused of and also have become cognizant of my own emotional unavailability.
Usually it's because I present myself as I normally do but whomever I'm seeing gets more attached and wants to be up under me when I have digested my true feelings for them yet. They get hurt, I get to be the bad guy and get all sorts of shaming and pseudo-psychoanalysis fussing out. So…since i don't want to continuously be the bad guy, I just opted out of the game altogether. Maybe I'll go back in, but it's not really worth it if I'm just a disappointment.
I remember distinctly listening to a recent acquaintance go on and on about how I'm a catch. Flattering, but It's man-stroking. She was placing me higher than I was and should've been and I told her "ease up…I'm not that perfect." Needless to say 4 weeks later and she hates me. No biggie. I'll just leave the rest of the SBM to have at all these wonderful women folk out here who are nothing but bonafide angels.
Good article and it's definitely been on my mind. I'm hoping to be open to dating sometime next March.
Tips glass toward CPT – I feel you homey.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
What's happening next March? WTF is up with all the arbitrary deadlines?
Next March will be when everyone is thawing out their winter boos and getting ready for the Spring. Hopefully I'll have some availability by then. It's going to be a long winter.
What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men?
Nothing. Or that’s what you should expect. It’s only a matter of time before the “relationship” goes south. An emotionally available person and an emotionally unavailable person is like oil and vinegar…it doesn’t mix.
What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him?
Deal w/ escorts or hookers. I mean, seriously….there’s no way a man can expect a woman not to fall for him if he’s “playing” the role. Honesty and communication are great…and yes, at the point, it becomes the woman’s choice to stick around. However, what about this emotionally unavailble dude being honest w/ himself? Stop dating and reflect on what got you to this point of checking out emotionally.
So if a woman approaches us, says shes interested, and we tell her we aren't looking for sh*t but physical, and she cosigns… than unless shes a hooker we shouldnt pursure and we aren't being honest with ourselves? At what point does the responsibility fall on the woman? How does us sticking to our WORDS not make us true to ourselves?
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I said, if dude communicated that he's emotionally unavailable….the woman has a choice. If she sticks around…she has to roll w/ the punches.
And what is he pursuing if he's emotionally unavailable? I'm confused. If shorty agrees, they have an understanding.
How does us sticking to our WORDS not make us true to ourselves?
That wasn't my point or what I was getting at. When men and woman find themselves emotionally unavailable etc….how many of them really take a time out and reflect as to what got them to this point? Are you being honest w/ yourself about this supposed emotionally unavailability or is it something deeper? Also, I just don't think its "productive" to be like "Welp, I'm emotionally unavailable, but I'm going to continue to do things emotionally available people do and hope for the best." I don't think that's being every honest. Both parties know how that story will end.
Goodness, it seems as though people took my escorts/hookers comment to heart. It was a joke, sheesh
Stop it lala…u were dead ass lmao
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i agree 100%.
Good post Most.
I don't think I have EVER met a man who has said "don't fall in love with me" No one says that, we may think it in our heads, but it's never said out loud. Some men say we should know the signs and walk away, but y'all will be the first ones to tell us that "you don't read minds", but expecting us to? No bueno.
To all the dudes telling women that they should just walk away, not everyone can recognize an emotionally unavailable person when we meet them. Though it may be true, but it is easier said than done, especially when time and emotions are invested.
Oh and the whole “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” bit is a trap. Because if “I’m not looking for a relationship RIGHT NOW” really equals “I’m not looking for a relationship WITH YOU EVER”, then you are not playing fair.
As Dr. J said above: some people are truthfull but they are not being honest.
^^^^THIS.RIGHT.HERE!!!!
Two notes
1. Results > Intent. "hell is full of good meanings, but heaven is full of good works"
2. Emotionally unavailable men don't need to stop dating, they need to not get into relationships. These are two distinct things that should not be used interchangeably.
They need to open their mouths! Most women can handle a assbuddy situations!
I saw this comment
" I don't think a dude is REALLY a good guy if he knows he's not ready to commit and still keeps messing with women just for sex."
I have a problem with this. I thinnk women are in it for sex just as much as men, but the whole "men = sex" shyt is projcted on us because its easy to do so. Here are the facts:
Women say they want a dude to keep it real, but when we do, you say actions do not = words. Silly!
If a dude is just d*ckin you down, take it for what it is.
Fellas, if you want nothing more from a woman than physical, just give that. Dont talk to her daily. Dont let her meet ur friends n stuff. Dont do ANYTHING that she can interpret as you being more than F buddies. The reality is, no matter what they say you can't believe it, because sooner or later her emotions will take over and all of our logic will be null and void.
Both parties need to keep it real and stick to the script
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This is so timely, I swear you're in my life.
What about the emotionally unavailable man that does all the right things while telling you it's ok to trust and let down your guard cause he cares for you a lot? He takes time to learn you as a person, takes you to meet his parents, talks about a future with you, then drops a bombshell 9 months later that he has feelings for someone from his past?
He's emotionally unavailable, he doesn't know WHY, but he pursues a quality woman. A woman who makes him earn her affection and asks all the right questions and gets affirmative answers (you ready for a relationship? you want kids? do you see yourself with me in the future?) and he lies to himself and to her about what and WHO he wants.
THIS guy. The one that isn't honest with HIMSELF and therefore can't be honest with you, is the ultimate flag on the play.
I realize I prob sound bitter. Lol don't judge me. I'm only a week in, so still trying to bounce back from the BS…
This sort of emotionally unavailable guy you should avoid at all costs. It makes life difficult for the rest of us.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
This is the sort that will hurt you before you know who he is.
I hate to be all religious, but "God is not the author of confusion, " and neither are men!! If they are interested in a relationship/marriage, etc. YOU WILL KNOW! I had to learn this (Dad hipped me to this). Therefore, now if I start trying to analyze what his actions or words mean, I know I need to bounce because if he really felt some kind of way, he would make it clear. Whether he told me from the beginning (this has NEVER happened btw) or told me during our "situation" that he was not looking for a relationship, it is MY responsibility to protect my heart b/c men are selfish. I no longer rely on them to do the right thing and I am 10x happier because of it.
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What's with this new comment format? At least four of my comments got lost.
clear your cache.
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I know … smh … Really don't like commenting as much as i used to.
Appreciate the feedback but if it's really an issue then please email us. The greater majority of folks don't appear to be having a problem and it's easier to troubleshoot the issue for you specifically somewhere other than in a comment thread that has nothing to do with the post.
My recent post Happy Birthday MJ. You Are Missed.
I’m not able to read all the comments at this time yet I’m sure you are all emotionally intelligent enough to have touched on my point which is…
Whether you are man or woman, the most important aspect when dealing with a potential companion is to listen.
Listen first to yourself and then listen to the words that come out of the persons mouth in the begining when they are laying everything down the line. I know this because I didn’t listen to myself and lost my 20’s. Yep, I’m a statistic of every wrong move a beautiful soul should NOT make when loving someone. *sigh*
I honestly don’t know where the time went but with a couple of tragic losses in my family it only made me more vulneralbe to fear losing something I never had.
It’s rough only because its hard for me to be phony when I’m into someone. Paper cuts hurt like hell in the begining but a wound requires more attention and can be more susceptible to infection.
Take the sting and keep moving. Don’t allow yourself to be prone to infection by not protection yourself, this is your responsibility to yourself and your emotional well being. I’ve been guilty of cutting men but my intentions in the end was never about causing hurt or being labelled a man eater.
In the end everyone is responsible for their actions or inactions. I think if we “self-check” our true intentions when dealing with a potential companion we’d all be better in the end. Don’t engage in clauses of the contract you’re not comfortable with or that are contradictory to your ideals. Men, if your temporary pleasure could permanently cause undue pain just cut it (with some paper)..cut it and trash it. It’s better that way.
Most, I know women and men with the characteristic you’ve described above. I won’t judge because it’s a rough thing…I’ve seen women use men for everything up under the Sun and that is just as bad as a man using a woman for that oochie…It’s not cool in the bigger scheme.
It’s crazy outchea though…I’m not a fan of the casual stuff but sometimes it’s storming outside and you know, your fingers start dancing…
"I've been guilty of cutting men but my intentions in the end was never about causing hurt or being labelled a man eater."
Given the emotional nature of this topic, I'd be careful using the word "cut" as a verb toward men. Got d*cks going down garbage disposals and all other sorts of madness happening out there.
Other than that, great points in this comment.
My recent post Happy Birthday MJ. You Are Missed.
Garbage disposals? Dang! I might be a bit bitter, but, IME, it's never the D that's the offender but the OWNER of said D. Cut the D some slack. Me and D are cool. 😉
There are emotionally unavailable men period and then the are are emotionally unavailable men to you and you alone. Regardless of the fact, emotional unavailability is the common denominator.
Some men set emotional traps and reel you in. It happens. Build yourself back up and move on.
Like Streetz said women are in it for sex just as much as men are, but women want a relationship to justify the sex.
I don't know, here's a thought…if you're not ready to check in emotionally to a relationship just don't get involved with anyone…period. Many (not all) women have a hard time disconnecting their emotions from the physical connection that comes with sex.This may be completely outside of a woman's control since there's science to back up the fact that certain chemicals are released when one is physically intimate with someone that creates a bond. So man or woman if you know you're in no place to be unselfish and consider the feelings of another person why not just forgo relationship like activity all together. Avoids all confusion.
I hate to be cold, but this sounds like a woman problem. If a woman decides that she wants to go full steam ahead and have chex with a guy, knowing she easily gets emotionally attached, why is it all on the dude? I've seen both sides of this shooting gallery and many times a woman will be uncertain, unsure, ready to say "I don't usually do this but…" and then after the morning after living with regrets and feeling cheap and used if said guy doesn't snap into relationship mode. I can't tell you how many times I've heard this…
Tryna use science I dropped last week to prove me wrong. #ISeeWhatYouDidThere but #WhyYouKeepBringingUpOldStuffTho
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
What I have learned today:
– Women can have casual $ex and it's ok.
– Men, or at least good men, cannot have casual $ex because the woman may fall in love.
– If a good guy does want to have casual $ex, it should be with a prostitute.
– If you are a good guy, you cannot date.
– If you are a good guy, every relationship you are in must end in marriage.
– In order to retain "good guy" status, a man must take a complete break from $ex and relationships until he is ready to commit to a woman.
– If a man tells a woman he's not interested in a relationship upfront and he treats her like a human being, he is a liar.
– A man who is not ready for a relationship is selfish.
– It's perfectly fine for a woman to friend zone a guy that is interested in her.
– Men are to take responsibility for a woman catching feelings.
– Women are not responsible for their own feelings.
– Women want a man to be honest, except when that honesty means a woman has to take responsibility for her subsequent actions.
Anything else I missed?
I think that covered just about everything.
Hugh, you coming to this happy hour fam? If so, you first round is on me!
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
I'm unfortunately 1,000 miles away, but I'd definitely be there if I was in driving distance.
Just make sure you use what you have learned. lol!
This summary from the post is pretty much everything from today and any other time this topic is brought up.
Nice/Good Dudes lose. Callous pipe machines win.
My recent post Happy Birthday MJ. You Are Missed.
Did you get the "A man who is not ready for a relationship is selfish" in there? *checks list again*
Uh…there it is, nevermind. Ok, yeah, you pretty much got it all, brotha.
I'm bookmarking this page. We need to cite this list every time it gets out of pocket over here.
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Top 5 greatest comments on SBM ever!!!
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Awww reading this post made me sad, not because I don't think it's true but because who doesn't want to be loved? Well besides Miguel and what looks like a rack of other people.
But it's also sad because even if you tell women not to fall for this type of dude – at some point some woman, somewhere is going to fall for this type of dude or it wouldn't work right? I mean unless all single women get together and make a 'let's keep or legs closed' pact. But some woman will fall for it because most things in nature desire companionship. And women get lonely. And horny too. And want to put on pretty dresses and get taken out and have someone to laugh with. And will "settle" for what is seemingly beneath them for the illusion of love/kindness/whatever.
It seems the real issue is that most men think they are special without realizing just how special they are because contrary to popular belief most sane (emphasis on SANE) women do not want every nig (yes even if he has a degree, job and a condo) who says hello, asks for their number, takes them out, etc. So if a woman wants to: hear about your day, find out what you like to do, cook for you, laugh at your corny jokes, share a bed with your big self – well (for me at least) that's a special occurrence and should not be taken lightly. Cause you can't go round trying to put ground rules on folks feelings…
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The Miguel album goes hard though.
My recent post That Certain Something “Watch The Throne” is Missing
"So if a woman wants to: hear about your day, find out what you like to do, cook for you, laugh at your corny jokes, share a bed with your big self – well (for me at least) that's a special occurrence and should not be taken lightly"
That's nice, but does he do the same and communicate this? If not, you're in for a lopsided exchange which ends in the way we usually see played out in this theater of horror.
Well I was basing those things off what Most wrote in the post about bringing a chick soup, sending good morning and night texts, etc and the idea that there was reciprocity not that the woman is just doing these things for kicks. That's just crazy. Although that does happen. So my point was if a woman feels like she's special she in turn will (might) do special things for him. But then it's like BOOM POW "SURPRISE" got ya b*tch you ain't special at all and you shouldn't be surprised cause I tried to told ya yada yada. But you said it right with that theater of horror – this whole situation ain't nothin' nice. Ever.
My recent post Angels We Have Heard On High
I'd like to point out that today Dr. J is the least contentious writer and that a lot of women are feeling what he is in fact saying today. Please keep this in mind. Bookmark it even.
if you meet a man who is EUA, the best thing to do is to enjoy him for what he has to offer but keep that space between you and him. And as the author of this post said, don't let him have all of you and I do believe he can snap out of it and in the end chose you; and when he does snap the woman should go MIA and see if he will pursue, because the new man is not the one you were dating..this one wants to hunt..and if you want him to hunt you. Don't be available. One thing i have learned in the dating game, that women do NOT have to do anything for a man want to be with you. Anything such as: wifey, motherly, smotherly, and easy. It's how he feels pursuing you, and in your company..and that is usually peaceful and relaxed; not catered to..
The reason why none of the men on this blog have chosen the one who dated them while they were going through their EAU, is that they did not know when to walk away and leave enough of a mystery..
Women we have so much power, yet day after day we leave it at the door and put on what we think power is..
At the start of a relationship a man told me not to fall in love with him – he had had his heart broken and wasn't emotionally available. We have now been together for 27 years, married for 20 and have two children. Things happened; he changed!
Just looking at these comments its clear that women and men view dating differently. I have always thought of dating as an interviewing process. So its hard to understand why you are interviewing if you dont even want the job. Wait… you want the benefits. Everyone's asking why these EU men dont just mess with EU woman. Its because there is no way they will get the same treatment. There are certain things a woman does when she see sees a future with a man. If these guys were to date women on the same page as them they would be receiving the same treatment they are dishing out. You know… aloofness… nonchalance. Who wants that?
@kema she is giving that man special treatment, b/c she wants to not because he requires it for their situations to keep going. Yes men know some women will act this way but if I tell you what I’m about and how I’m going to treat you and you tell me were on the same page and you start doing more that’s on you. Maybe I see it like this b/c I no eu women who handle this situations and understand the understanding. I just see a lot of women are mad b/c they are giving out more than what they are getting back, the only thing is the person you are giving it too didn’t ask for it you gave it of your own free will. If I go order a small ice cream and the guy behind the counter gives me a large and I still pay small ice cream price , that’s on him to worry about not me all I have to do is say thank you and enjoy
You're sooo right.
@kema these men are not asking these women to go the extra mile to deal with them, these woman are doing it on their own. If your enter a situation with a man and the understood terms are that he will not be in a relationship with you treat him as such, most of this women are mad because their treating a man who is not their bf like their boyfriend and he is enjoying the benefits, while she is not getting the same in return. She’s not getting the same in return because it is not the requirement she put out in the beginning to deal with her. If I got to carvel and order a small ice cream and get a large and only have to pay small ice cream price that’s what I’m going to do and enjoy the extra money in my pocket and ice cream in my stomach. Same with these dudes they asked for the basics and she’s giving him the king treatment so why not enjoy it if it offered with no requirements.
I’m not saying these men are asking these women to go the extra mile… I’m saying they know which ones will… the ones wanting more.
"If these guys were to date women on the same page as them they would be receiving the same treatment they are dishing out. You know… aloofness… nonchalance. Who wants that?"
I hope these aren't the people folks are falling far…aloof, nonchalant jerks, lol. How anyone would fall for that is beyond me! Now, if they are doing everything right but just refusing to sign on officially, I can see how someone's feelings can get caught up in that…
I have always thought of dating as an interviewing process. So its hard to understand why you are interviewing if you dont even want the job.
You know… That's analogy seems to make sense but it's loaded. "dating" and 'going out together alone' are different entities apparently. I bet if you told another woman you and a guy was "dating" it wouldn't translate to you two just going out on occasionally, you know, on dates. It'll translate to something closer to "going steady." Why b/c many women will say, "You can't date more than one person…" Wait… does that mean I can't go steady with more than one person or I can't go out (on dates and call) with other women?! You see… 10 Women, will give 10 different answers, but then each of them, in action, do the opposite of their answer. So with EU people it's like a summer job at he corner store. Some people get settled into that. Good for them… But most? Not so much. no offense intended.
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""dating" and 'going out together alone' are different entities apparently."
SO TRUE! "Dates" and "dating are def two different things! I usually refer to the pre-screening phase as "talking", the intense "this brotha might be it – interview process" as "dating" (for me, this phase is MONOGOMOUS after "the talk"), and, of course, once contracts have been signed, we're in an official relationship.
"For the emotionally unavailable: Truthfully, here's what's happening, you're telling these women the truth, but you're not being honest."
Since Dr. J's post is kinda long, I fugured I'd pluck out the portion that NO ONE should disagree with. But, the truth is, no EU man or woman wants to really be honest cause he or she knows it will seriously limit the pool of fabulous women or men…good, caring women or men…that he or she can form a psuedo relationship with. Can we get more than just WIM to openly own this, fellas??? Show that accountability goes both ways…
I don't think EU people should get into psuedo relationships…period. Chill and date multiple people in non-consecutive days? Yes. Otherwise, feelings will get hurt…male & female.
We can’t assume that eu people aren’t dating many people b/c one of of the group thinks their getting special treatment. If anything their prob dating more than one person having a back up company when the other company does’nt want to be bothered
Not making that assumption at all and I certainly don't think its a wise assumption (if there is such a thing). Just stating what I believe to be safe behavior for EU people…
This was a good post! Whether one likes it, respects it, or understands why…it rings true.
My bad….I didn't even answer the questions. Here we go…
What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men?
^Women should have no expectations other than what you two agree upon and that may be a date or each others' company. You can pretty much expect any agreed upon arrangement EXCEPT an emotional relationship. If dude was being honest and a woman moves forward opening herself up to fall for a guy who said he was emotionally unavailable well, Sis, that's on YOU. You can't blame the guy for being involved too because he told you the limitations of his involvement from jump. Moving forward after that was your decision. All parties put forth a contract and moving forward is like agreeing to the terms. When the terms are no longer agreeable, each party has the right to bounce.
What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him?
^He can't. No one can control the emotions of another adult. He can be honest about his limitations and be explicit in communicating that. He can also decide to fall back from further interaction if he KNOWS a woman is catching feelings. Operative word: CAN. He doesn't have to if he's been upfront. The best thing a person SHOULD or CAN do is not always the thing they HAVE TO DO. In the end, adults are responsible for themselves. No foul in my book, if a person was honest.
Should he just lose your number and disappear, is that what you’d prefer?
^No. It depends on the parties involved. Folks should date to grow, to learn, to interact with the opposite sex (in this scenario, I am addressing hetero relationships) and discern what they want. Dating does not equal sex, but adults set their own terms. I think the responsibility lies on the person catching feelings. Know yourself and know if moving forward with interaction is gonna have you wanting exactly what the guy said he was not going to give. Case in point, I was attracted to a guy and he was attracted to me. He was honest in that he didn't want a relationship and I did. I fell back from interaction to prevent getting attached and longing for a situation he didn't want and would NOT happen. I don't have time for the pain. Better to recognize that and stop it before it gets painful. I'm not mad at him, he's not mad at me, and no one is in a painful situation. You have to take responsibility for yourself and your own joy. You may not prevent every hurt, but you can sure have wisdom to take care of your heart.
Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)?
^Heyall naw. One shouldn't keep the company of anyone who mistreats them.
This is article is ON POINT. I have seen and have been a victim of this but the one time I was in this kind of relationship, I snapped out of it fast because for me actions and words must line up. Awesome awesome blog!
I'm kinda in the same boat. I can't see myself risking my future and children with just any woman, no matter how attractive she is. If I can't see a real future with her, I can't deal with her.
cool post, Mr. Most… #RhymeTime
"And for the fellas, have you been here before? Have you gone through a phase where you were emotionally unavailable. What caused it? What did you tell the women you became interested in during that time and how did those relationships turn out? "
i don't think i've ever been in a situation such as this. the closest that i can think of, would be me being totally oblivious to a woman's feelings.
i imagine that if i was in this situation…i would, in no uncertain terms…
fall back.
"If we communicate to you, in no uncertain terms, that we’re very interested in you, but not interested in anything serious with anyone, and you choose to proceed, we see that as the green light to be the naturally great guys we’ve always been. This means we’re going to be thoughtful, we’re going to be charming and we’re going to make your friends laugh when you introduce us to them. We’re going to check on you when you’re sick, send you good morning emails and good night text messages. When we go out together, we’re going to do everything we’re supposed to do to make sure you have a good time and if you let us, we’re going to do everything in our power to please you sexually. Why? Because a good guy takes pride in making sure a woman in his company has enjoyed her time with him."
#Timeout…
now, this particular paragraph…to me, describes a relationship.
why would i…as a "good friend"…give out boyfriend benefits?
i'm not saying that one has to cut off the woman…but there has to be a code of conduct that one conducts between men and their female friends, no?
and as much as people swear up and down that s– muddles things between the sexes, why would a "good guy" go for the <Ms. Jackson if ya nasties> knowing this?
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First I'll answer the questions for the few SBM that read the responses of the SBF…
**Premise to my response…I've just recently relocated 1,500 miles across the country, with that move I became unemployed and upon relocating I was injured which caused me to sit on my rear for 2 months…I'm currently a Emotionally Unavailable Woman.**
What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men?
– I simply build relationships seeking friendship. How can we benefit from having each other in our lives? There are no real expectations because when you expect something you're liable to get your heart broken.
What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him?
-This is a contradicting question…the term "emotionally unavailable" seems to be an excuse. Men grow through different stages and if he's not ready he's not ready. Simply put if you're interested let your guard down and go with the flow but if you're not interested stop playing games. I (well WE) respect a man that can keep an open line of communication.
Should he just lose your number and disappear, is that what you’d prefer? Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)?
– Don't do the Kanye thing and turn into an a**hole and lose sitght of who you are. Just keep it real. You want to be friends, call every other week. You want to be cut buddies, sign a waiver. If you're don't want to be bothered, don't entertain. Lastly, if you're not ready for the lock down, simply take things slow.
All in all real recognize real. Despite my current situation I consider myself the "Independent Woman" type so being at a place where I have to depend on the help of others I do not feel like my true self…I am EU. As a single black female I want to see single black men on top. This is why I have no issue helping someone through whatever they are "growing through." I've been in a place where I was left and I've also been the one that did the walking. Reading this article (GREAT POST BTW) helped me realize how people can use EU as an excuse…and often say it as a reminder so they don't fall for someone that unexpectedly entered their life when least expected.
Damn, the comment section is bananas these days.
I don't get why so many women don't seem to understand that guarding one's heart is one's main & personal responsibility. Both individuals in any given relationship (whether "titled" or not) are accountable for their actions, but we are also accountable for our inaction. The quicker we understand that human beings – good and bad alike – are inherently selfish, the better off we'll be. People will usually do what makes them feel good, and this includes continuing to enjoy the company of others even if one is not ready to completely invest oneself. The fact that I don't want to be in a relationship with X doesn't mean that I will not enjoy some of those occasional moments that could blur the lines. For most people, I will distance myself completely. However, there are some whose company I enjoy and who make good friends/acquaintances. I will make myself clear once, twice, but at the end of the day I trust that I'm dealing with adults and not children. This is not on the same level as what's being discussed, but the idea is the same.
If I go with the post as it was written, the way to avoid heartbreak is simple: walk away. If you choose to stick around and cling on to whatever little hope there may be of changing his mind (this, in spite of past experiences and posts like these with men outlining the odds of that happening), then the fault is yours. He may not be entirely blameless, but your heart and body are essentially your responsibility. If a charming, attractive man who is everything you look for in a partner were to approach you tomorrow and tell you that he’d like to have sex with you but has an STD, would you agree? And if you did, what are the odds that anyone would cosign your argument that he shouldn’t be having sex in the first place and that it’s his fault it now hurts everytime you need to use the loo? If all the facts are presented to you upfront, the call is yours to make. The consequences are also yours to bear. It will be very easy for the person who has nothing at stake to listen to your whines down the road, shake his head, and go on with his life – without you. If you, as primary caretaker of your heart, cannot be trusted to do what’s right for it, how can you expect anyone else to?
With that said, I had to go to the OP and give it a quick glance-over before commenting. My Mr. “Emotionally Unavailable” #1 developed feelings that outlasted mine, but even he did not go the mile that’s being illustrated in this post. The first thing I want to point is the difference between being emotionally unavailable and simply not wanting to pursue a/any relationship. I can assure you that a lot of guys who claim to be EU end up emotionally invested in their pseudo-relationships. Therein lies the confusion for women. A truly emotionally unavailable man may be courteous and kind, but will or should not have what is essentially a relationship sans title. There is a big difference between being a decent human being enjoying another’s company and getting to a point where you can legitimately be considered an item. Good morning emails and goodnight texts? These are [standard] sweet things that encourage certain emotions. I can understand wanting to enjoy some perks of relationships, but be honest with yourself and consciously draw a line somewhere.
They say with great power comes great responsibility. The person with the least emotional investment generally dictates the rules by which the game is played. By all means, show her a good time when you’re together. The sweet, romantic stuff, though? Lay off that. I do have to agree with the women who say that a lot of guys are not consistent in the least. They’ll be screaming EU at the top of their lungs, and then running after women when they try to walk away. Gentleman =/= Boyfriend In Training. There should be a marked difference between your dating for dating’s sake and dating with the intention of building something solid. If there isn’t, then you have some evaluation of your own to engage in as well.
What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men? What can an emotionally unavailable man do to prevent a woman he’s interested in from falling for him? Should he just lose your number and disappear, is that what you’d prefer? Should he treat you like trash so there’s no confusion about his intentions (or lack of intentions)?
I expect any such man to be honest, first and foremost. I do not date idly, but I wouldn’t be averse to maintaining contact with an EU man. However, I also expect that you’ll play the part that you’ve embraced. We do not need to speak every day and do all the things that lovers do. I will naturally want to keep some distance between us, and you will respect that. Finally, you do not have the option to treat me like trash, whatever your reasoning.
I like that comparison: Friend Zone aka Physically Unavailable!
Hello Most. Though a female, I have been in this situation before:
It started as a romantic relationship then fizzled. When we crossed paths again, I was not interested in any commitment and was clear on that. Since we were so familiar with one another and unattached, it became very easy to fall into the old ways of being sweet, thoughtful and attentive. Eventually, he expressed his inability to not seek more. I stuck to my guns and reaffirmed my intent. We continued seeing each other and then one day when he decided to revisit the commitment issue, he became enraged with feelings of being used and frustration of not being able to convince me otherwise. The short… he said some hurtful things, out of displaced anger. Though I gave him a piece of my mind, I with held most assuming he would not take heed, yet again. Adding fuel to the fire, instead of sending him packing, I continued to enjoy this security blanket i had come to love.
And though I agree with you wholeheartedly; Star’s point of view is valid. If you tell a woman your intentions and she agrees, no foul. But, if she is consistently expressing her need and intention to prevail at achieving more, then pause! Because though you put her on notice, she has put you on notice as well. Thus any ramifications, whether it is her broken heart or your broken windshield (just a visual, please believe) or worse, are now just as much your responsibility as it is hers.
On the other hand, I had love for a man that I gave perhaps not my ALL, but yet and still quite enough and far less than he reciprocated. I say ‘had love for’ instead of ‘loved’ for the simple fact that I withheld some feelings out of obligation, because I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. And though I understand and believe:
“Men use a formula to assign value to the women in their lives and a large part of that formula is derived from how much we believe that woman values herself”
…It was by no means a reflection on how I valued myself. To the contrary: I admire my ability to have experienced the emotions that I so needed at the time. Love is powerful. It is healing. To be touched and caressed is nice, but to be touched and caress by the one you love is beyond. Waiting around for someone that told you they are not coming is to put salt in your own wound. But being strong enough to accept what is and remain able to enjoy the essence of love is ‘The Most’ 😉
Great comment.
and not just because you supported me, though I appreciate that, especially since you were on the other side in your storyWow, I just had the conversation a week or so ago with my firends, and I was surpirsed how many women are fearful of committment. I had to look the term committment phobia up and sadly I fit the criteria :(. But women do need to try to stop changing men's mind, ladies the power of the womb isn't that good….
My recent post School is Back in Session- Wake the Hell Up!!
this 'emotionally unavailable' term is..ambiguous.
is it just a way of labelling anyone who is not capable of reciprocating love someone else has for them?You might be sleeping with them, dating them, or just being their 'good' friend whilst pretending not to know, but by this definition practically every male and every female has once been guilty.
I have read several comments. Bottom line, and this has a lot to do with maturity. If a brother says "I DO NOT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP, I AM NOT LOOKING FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP, HELL, DON'T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME" , etc., which part of this direct communication does a women not understand. If you know what you want (relationship), and you meet a person who is honest and knows what he wants and what he does not want and tells you, take him at his word. Unless, you thought you can change him somehow!!! Enough said!!!! @karrinj2001@yahoo.com
If you go through it once, you understand that the emotionally unavailable man will love you more for pulling up your bootstraps and moving on than staying and trying to cope. He looks at you like O_o. And once he sees you like that, the second he decides to become available he is going to get with a new woman who he sees as someone who values herself. Then the you sit in your own sh** wondering why he didnt “reward” you for your “work”. That is not the way male/female love works. Men LOVE a woman who knows herself and knows when her needs are not being met, and makes a decision for herself. Thats what keeps a man loving you through the years. Thank GOODNESS that lesson has been learned. THE HARD WAY. Men always want your attention but they don’t necessarily want to be available for your needs. We get this confused. We think attention equals relationship. NO! Love grows when she knows herself and accepts nothing less.
2 solutions for Emotionally Unavailable Men who still desire to enjoy the company of women:
1. Use strippers/prostitutes: By the very nature of their professions, these women will not become emotionally attached. You will have to pay a corresponding fee for your desired level usage but for this fee you can fulfill all desires for a woman's attention, affection, sex. Satiation achieved!
2. Remind a potentially Emotionally Available Woman daily that you're still in "ain't-shit" mode. For instance your good morning texts could go more like "I woke up today and I still ain't shit. How are you doing this morning, beautiful?" No emotionally-available woman in her right mind will stick around. Keep moving to the next until you find an Emotionally Unavailable but Communicative Woman to ride out that phase of yours. Warning: she may be a stripper or prostitute.
You're welcome fellas. *drops mic*
I recently met a man who I really liked who also liked me. We laugh, we have a million and one things in common and we both find the other highly attractive. A month after meeting he told me “I don’t want to be with a woman right now I just want to flirt with many women and do my own thing”. And I HEARD HIM. After several months I stopped speaking with him because for me it was difficult to be around someone who I liked that I knew I could not build with in an intimate way and I communicated that. Seven months later he contacted me to let me know he missed me and I too miss him. And though it’s great to be laughing and joking again the boundaries stay UP because again, I heard him. We have never been physically intimate because I have made it clear I am waiting to be intimate with my next partner. It’s hard, but we were both honest about our stances which is why we can at least be friends who respect one another. Better luck next time 🙂
THIS is why I have days when I don't want to deal with men at all. First of all the whole concept of being "emotionally unavailable" completely eludes me (and clearly I'm not the only woman). If I am attracted to someone, physically and mentally, why the hell would I want to disregard, or distance myself from, that person emotionally? It makes no sense. Men claim to be so logical – but I do not see the logic in this.
Secondly, saying "I'm not emotionally available" is not being honest. Saying "I'm not emotionally available and when I am I won't want to have anything to do with you because you were stupid enough to deal with me when I wasn't ready to open up," is honest, but it's NOT what men say.
Third, the whole idea of telling a woman upfront what YOU want is exactly the kind of self-centered dreck that makes so many men hard to deal with. If you don't want a woman who is going to fall in love with you – maybe you should start by finding out what SHE wants before you start telling her about your wants and needs.
There are women out there who don't want a relationship, but you're never going to find those if you're busy telling women who do want relationships that you don't want one. A woman who wants a relationship and is attracted to you will go along with it when you say you don't want one right now. She does it because she likes you and sees something in you and she's willing to wait for what she wants. And then she get not only doesn't get it, she gets blasted for being stupid enough to get involved with someone who is NEVER going to give it to her.
The reality is most men want what they want without being accountable, AND they want to feel like they're good guys. So they're "honest" about not wanting a relationship because they feel like that absolves them of accountability when the woman ends up falling in love.
If you want to be a really good guy, and really honest, find out what a woman is looking for before you get involved. If she wants a relationship, walk away. If she says she doesn't, but you start to see that she's getting involved, walk away. Continuing to be involved with a woman who you know is genuinely interested in you, genuinely cares about and clearly is falling for you, is NOT being a good guy, no matter how many times you say, "But I told her I didn't want to get serious."
Jla, Well said…the very same thing I was thinking….”emotionally unavailable” get the heck outta her with that bull crap, modern day DOG! that goes for both man or woman.
Great post Most!
Taking notes….
Novel idea…if you're unavailable don't date. Don't have sex with anyone. Stop acting like a selfish dickhead that doesn't give a damn who he hurts. Hallelujah…it's that simple!
Men arent the only ones that are emotionally unavailable women are the same way sometimes a man, may think that she does not value herself when all reality you may not be who she is interested in.
People dont always display what is the head and sometimes the actions contradict the thoughts so becareful.
Some people arejust loyal thats why the say like a child to a parent and a dog to its master. They tolerate abuse until some one rescuses them or they run away.
Actions are what you are to pay attention to what is said and not said then people learn you cant view the world with your own eyes but need to borrow anothers.
I read this entry two days ago and it made me think about the enormous pressure that women place on men to help them manage their emotions. If a guy tells you through his words and his actions that he's emotionally unavailable and not looking for a relationship, walk away. Waiting around because he has all the things you're looking for is a trap. Don't get caught up. Easier said than done. Of course as taking responsibility for yourself is a lot more difficult than letting things flow. Women are not always going to think like men and be OK with the friends with benefits arrangement. Although I've experience that arrangement and the guy actually got mad at me because took full advantage of the situation and then I moved on to a committed relationship. Oh well, better him than me. Had the tables been turned, I would have to had to deal with it. Men tend to be territorial without merit as I've found when you accept their "not ready for whatever the reason" and do you, it's a problem. At least they make it appear to be a problem, where you been, who you with? Excuse me, you don't have any right to the answers. As far as dinner, movies, meeting friends and making them laugh, don't even give him that kind of access. It's too risky and your emotions and heart will read something different into it. So, "YOU DON'T FALL IN LOVE." (NOTE THE TITLE IS REVERSED INTENTIONALLY), don't stick around. Is it extreme? Maybe, but aren't you worth that? I find when you're just as up front, the dynamics seems to flip. I was in a situation where the guy approached me, wined and dined me and then pulled back. Thankfully, I had spare guys that I kept seeing upon which I found out he was seeing several people and the woman approached me about her "implied relationship." Her words. She was rather upset because she was cooking, cleaning and everything else. I felt her pain but she was too hurt to see she had been played. Since I had moved on, I was not in the same emotional place she was so her confrontation was unnecessary.
If I tell guys well right now, I'm dating and not really looking for anything serious, they translate that to "I'm sleeping around." Not always the case. Just date, date, and date. Don't spend extraordinary amounts of time with dude if you just can't walk away but still keep plenty of spares. Doing this will require a certain amount of distance, fortitude and mental energy. If you want to play the game, play but play by your rules so you're not the doormat. Keep the cookies in the jar as much as possible and those emotionally unavailable dudes fade eventually. Stop trying to fix them. Work your tools in a more profitable way….fix yourself, fix your credit, fix your life, fix your future. It's a numbers game, you'll run into more Emotionally Unavailable guys than you will Available guys if you just date, date, date. Eventually, you'll meet someone that's looking for the same thing you're looking for. For God's sake, stop empowering the guy to be responsible for your emotions. That's just too much power and responsibility to give them for your heart especially if they're emotionally unavailable because he has a demanding job, other relationships, wounded, etc. I agree they should tell you the truth and if they don't watch the signs, they're there even in the midst of dinners, movies, concerts, etc.
I couldn't have wrote this any better. This blog speaks to my soul
Fran this is to your point above it goes both ways and women need to follow your advice more and be honest with themselves and find guys that actually want relationships. But FYI it did say we end up in these EU (emotionaly unavailable) States because we our selves "have been hurt and are not trying tofeel that again right now" It's sad truth But in a perfect world people are responsible for their own feelings
when you are unavailable but still want affection etc. your moves are calculated- you deliberately pick lesser-than (to you) women because in the back of your mind you know your intentions are fleeting and that you will save the better women for when you are in a better state. so dont come here feigning confusion talking about crazy women that are hard to understand. dont come here acting like you gradually notice the woman to be the type to give everything for the bare minimum in return…so gradually notice there is no future between you… gradually notice she doesnt value herself. you’re lying, sir. this is the very reason you picked her! you manipulated the insecurities and inadequacies of another human being, instead of raising them to positive self-realization, that is karma on you. period. dont blame women for falling in love (the most natural thing, the very source of life) because you have chosen to unplug. remember your own terminology, you have checked out… which means YOU are the one acting unnaturally ie negating your nature and the God-light in you…(even if its a phase) you are the one with unresolved issues. you are the one faced with a fundamental spiritual fragmentation- such that you want to create the same in others- for them to divorce their spirits from nature, so you can have what you want without the corresponding responsibility. it is you who wants to pick at other human beings like a salad, taking what you want and discarding the rest, because you are incomplete (at this time). For these reasons, it is highly untoward of you to call/treat people obeying their natural spiritual calling to seek love, affection and healing from other humans etc. as sick or disturbed… without realising what is going on inside you is creating and perpetuating these small worlds… these localized centres of pain that feed the main river. Side Note: (I am of Zulu heritage so I believe in Ubuntu- which says I am because we are- I am human because other humans’ love, guidance, community and closeness moulds me into one. This informs my inference on it being natural to seek our healing from other humans.) If you are confused by a situation (inner and outer) its better to stay out completely than to go in and add to the confusion. Anything less than that is doing the devils work. check out but stay righteous, cos karma doesnt stop accruing just because you’re on a staycation from life.
"so dont come here feigning confusion"
This is the problem I have. What I got from this post is "I've done the same thing. Repeatedly. Have gotten the same results. Consistently. Yet I think the problem is the other people involved."
This is pure madness. Not to mention arrogance.
We lead people on not just with our words, but also with our actions. And any fool that experiences that once knows what they are doing. If you do it again, you WANT those results. So don't play innocent when it happens again. You claim to be honest. Be fully honest. You want all the accoutrements of a relationship without the title, responsibilities and maturity.
Great post, key is CLEAR COMMUNICATION. As soon as a guy lets me know where he stands I adjust my actions accordingly. If I got time to waste I may or may not entertain it. If I am looking for something serious and he makes it clear he is not I don't waste my time, I move on. Recently the man I dated communicated that he was looking for serious/long term, for the first two months his words and his actions matched up, around month three he was still saying all the right things but his actions were not matching up but I stayed consistent because he was someone that I saw long-term potential with. I started to recognize he was definitely emotionally unavailable, still not sure if it was to me and me exclusively, but I took the initiative to end things which he protested and insisted that he was on the same page, he only became more distant but expected me to remain consistent in the attention that I gave him. I tired of the cycle and changed my number as to not give him the opportunity to lure me back in. It's OK to be EU, but don't intentionally try to string someone along for the ride for your ego or until you can find the NEXT, keep the communication CLEAR AND TIMELY!
Man… forget that… flip the script. I'm an emotionally unavailable woman.
Damn. I cannot believe that someone else not only feels this way but had the ability to actually articulate it. I've been in this situation so many times before that I placed myself in "exile" if you will just to avoid the mess of emotions and trying to explain to a girl why I can be with her but not be with her.
I agree with what was said about women continuing to make themselves available to men who are unavailable. However, not every situation is so cut and dry. There are men who do not set boundaries and do EVERYTHING that would be considered to be relationship characteristics such as spending every waking moment together,going to the movies,cuddling, even talking to you about "taking things slowly", but STILL cannot label the situation they are in as a relationship because they are too cowardly to make it more than it is for fear of getting hurt. What, pray tell are women supposed to do in such a situation, where men are fooling the women AND THEMSELVES that what they are in IS NOT relationship, WHEN THEY KNOW THAT IT IS, answer that question…………..
I’m going to try and answer this one, now i said try…. Now i agree with you when it comes to not every situation is so cut and dry, and there some guys out there that do EVERYTHING under the sun and refuse to label the situation. But at the end of the day women hold all the cards, and CAN dictact the terms in the relationships they have with men ie “just friends” “more than friends” all that. As a man I firmly believe when you meet someone your interested in or can see yourself being friends with certain conversations must be had up front. Be blunt early on ask what do you want from me? These few words would save you so much time, if you don’t like the answer simply walk away. Ok let me get back on this EVERYTHING dude, its a simple answer he’s lying to you basic economics supply and demand comes to mind here. He’s filling a void in that womans life without having to be tied down to her, from his point of view he could walk away without having to explain himself. Better yet its like having the best of both worlds you have a girlfriend but she can’t trip or complain cause she’s not really your girlfriend….
I ended up in a 1 year relationship with an EU man. I tried to coax him out from behind his walls and finally realized things weren't headed in the direction I wanted so I ended things. At the time, he didn't appreciate me and was looking for something better. In fact, he even had a tendancy to be critical and judgemental toward me when I didn't live up to some of his idealized expectations. Over the 1+ years since we have broken up he's been trying to get back together with me: sending me flowers and letters, etc. He admits that he took me for granted and he didn't know what he wanted until it was gone. Now he says he says he wants me back, wants to open up to me, and wants to eventually start a family.
(Continued) I know that I can be happy without him. I don't need one specific person in my life -ever- to be happy. at the same time, I feel that we did share something special even though it did not develop to the level of emotional intimacy that I wanted. He has everything I want – the only thing that was missing in the past was the emotional intimacy and support. Now he seems to sincerely want that. Even with that missing, he did make me happy in the short term, had a superior ability to make me smile, and did care about me in his own way. Would I be foolish to give things another try?
To "Independent" – been there, done that, could write the book. You'd be nothing but the fallback girl, the consistent girl in his inconsistent life. But don't take my word for it, taste and see. You said the only thing that was missing was emotional intimacy and support – that a rather big 'only thing'. As women, we think all our situations are so different, but you'd be surprised how similar EU men are. Ask yourself – in the year you've been apart, what has he changed and how does he reflect that change? This is why we end up with these guys over and over again, like the author said – we pay attention to words when we should check the actions and vice versa. In short, we see what we wanna see and hear what we wanna hear.
But like I said, o taste and see, you'll find out that nothing has changed and hopefully you'll realise he's a waste of time and space.
As women, we think we're 'special' and believe that we can save a man from himself – he does not want or need to be 'saved'. You must always remember to read the fine print (the EU man disclaimer) and take heed. Best believe, when you get hurt, he will not feel for you.
I have accepted that I'm not one of those 'modern' women who can handle casual sex and non relationships, because I maintain that if I can't call you at 4 in the morning if I'm ill or have an emergency or my car broke down, then my legs can't be around your waist at 4 in the morning either.
I learned to stop being weak, wait for the kind of man I want and acknowledge that if he says he doesn't want anything serious when I clearly do, I let the johnny keep walking. Stop wasting time, emotion and bedroom tricks on a dude who doesn't want you and reserve it for the man who wants a relationship with you, he deserves something good when he comes along, dang!
Guard your heart ladies – and your bodies – seriously. They're worth something, stop treating them like they aren't.
I am currently in this situation. The guy is emotionally unavailable and I am as well. But I have wanted him since the moment I laid eyes on him. He is the first guy that I ever approached (it was a very bold approach might I add) and I also treated him on our first date. His reasoning for not wanting a relationship is because he came out of a 5 year and just wanted to be free. My reasoning is because I am young and I just want to be free, have fun, and continue learn more about life with everything being on my own terms. Im just not at the point where I want to continually share my life with someone. Kinda selfish right now. But the connection we share is so wonderful but in the back of my mind I know it is exactly as Spradley said, when he is ready he wont choose me because I have not challenged him or shown him how much I value myself. I am not 100% sure that this an "L" I am willing to take but I am somewhat mentally prepared for it when the day comes. I am just happy that I am fully aware of my situation and a thanks to the writer for clarifying what I was already thinking.
You don’t fall into the ” I don’t value myself” category, the 2 of you don’t want a serious relationship and the reason why things are going so great between the 2 of you is because you both fully understand what it is but it sounds like your ready to change your status. I just wanted to let you know that part doesn’t apply if your not trying to make him settle down.
For starters, women need to realize every man doesn’t want every woman he sees. Its easy to confuse a man that enjoys the company of a woman with a emotionally unavailable man the two are not same, they look and sound the same on the outside but don’t get confused. Women at times easily forget or allow their selves to get swept up in what it could be, and not take it for what it is. I find some women have a tendency to read to much into what is said, missing what was actually said. In this case it states he was upfront and honest from the start explaining what he was looking for. Now we as men believe that’s all that’s needed and we should be good, but as we (and when I say we I mean both men and women) both know women are or can be more emotional reading more into our actions then what was intended. Friendship between a man and woman is delicate, and we tend toe that line very often in these situations which confuses women on our intentions. We state we don’t want anything serious but sending a woman a good morning or good night text sends her a message that she is the first person you thought about this morning and the last you thought of before bed. That’s something a boyfriend would do, which gives her the idea that maybe she can help fix you which implies something is wrong with you. Let me be the first and say it can be done and the two of you remain friends for a long time and it not be an issue, we as men have to be careful not to fall in that boyfriend roll ie the obligation part of it, once you start feeling obligated to do certain things then you need to respond the way a friend would to bring things back to where they should be. I mean you need to be able to talk to her about other women which helps keep things in prospective for her.
This article makes me very very upset.I'm a woman who has been in love with an emotionally unavailable man and before you write me off as another jaded chick who made the mistake to fall for a "bird" listen to my points of contention:
1. Emotional unavailability is very often not a harmless, "passing phase" brought on by some mysterious source and is easily "snapped" out of- as presented in this article. For many many many men, it is a chronic problem that affects not only their ability to have healthy romantic relationships but also friendships, relationships with their family, their kids, their parents etc. Being a chronically Emotionally unavailable man (EUM) by definition means that you often feel disconnected from your emotions and interpersonal relations on a deep level, entirely.
Its not brought on by some generic or superficial source like "wanting to focus on your career". It's a habitual survival mechanism. One that may be learnt by having painful childhood experiences that were left un-addressed as they grew into adulthood. For instance: my ex, from very young he had to deal with the outright rejection of his mentally ill mother and a cold, emotionally distant father who viewed him as nothing more than a financial liability. The devaluing and fear of emotions taught to these men is only reinforced by a culture that abides by sayings like: "boys don't cry".
Emotions (other than anger and sexual desire, of course) are routinely beat out of boys at a very young age in this machismo obsessed culture. They are taught that to show any hint emotional vulnerability is a sign of weakness. Rather than be encouraged to be fully human and learn how to decipher and express a range of emotions— men's who's own emotions are completely alien to them, are hailed as "strong", "logical" and “in control".
What bothers me about your article is how it trivializes, justifies and normalizes these issues. These issues not only prevent many men from experiencing healthy love but it also indirectly deeply hurts their loved ones. Or perhaps, it would be more apt to say "their not-so-loved ones".
(continuing)
2. Although I disagree on many points, your analysis of the women who love these men is fairly accurate, albeit incomplete. Yes, these women chase after EUMs because of personal insecurity. Yes, they want to change these men because they think that if they could only somehow beat the odds and squeeze love out of these unwilling sources, that their self worth (which they don't fully believe in) would be validated. Yes, they choose these men and put up with their bad behavior because they don't truly believe they can do better.
From what I gather from your analysis, is that you think its acceptable for EUM'S to gain all the fringe benefits of a relationship (attention, sex, ego strokes, company etc) without actually providing any emotional substance or commitment— as long as they communicate their true intentions. Fair enough. However, you fail to realize that in order for this scenario to play out smoothly two things need to happen:
1. The men must know their true intentions and be able to effectively communicate their emotional state.
This is certainly problematic because, as I stated before, EUMs are habitually disconnect from their emotions. Merely interpreting what they are feeling is problem for them. Therefore, communicating this in a clear way is a whole other problem! Surely you must realize that if you one can barely interpret one's own feelings, then communicating these feelings in a ~direct ~manner is almost impossible. How can I effectively tell you something about myself even I, myself, is vaguely aware of?
2.Lets roll with your analysis and say an EUM is perfectly aware his feelings and intentions and is willing to communicate them in the most direct way possible. All that needs to be done now is to find a woman with whom he is interested in and tell her his intentions. Simple. End of story,right?
NOT.
As you and I have both stated, an EUM wants all the benefits of a relationship: sex, company, attention, ego-strokes girlfriend-ly affection and duties performed for him etc. However, at this present time , he is unwilling to give any of the things that gives a relationship substance ie: commitment, intimacy, trust, care, utmost respect for your significant other's feelings, lots of time, lots of effort, lots of thought, and priority given to your partner's needs, wants, desires. etc.
So what kind of woman is willing to accept such a crappy deal? Definitely not a confident, secure woman who holds her time and affection in high esteem. EUMs instinctively know this. They wouldn't dare make a habit of walking up to women with high-self esteem and present such a shitty proposition. They know they would be constantly told to ‘get lost’ and that would only leave them perpetually sex-less and lonely. That is not their goal. So who do they go to? They are routinely attracted to the women you condemn in your article. The ones who "see what they want to see" and "try to change them" are SPECIFICALLY chosen by EUMs for these relationships. It's not that all women are like this! It that the ones they choose to be with are like this! And for good reason. Much like how physically abusive men know how to target the specific type of woman who make for easy prey ; so do EUMs.
And it is for this reason I argue that it is not harmless.While every woman needs to take responsibility for her actions, the relationships she chooses to be in and what she's willing to accept it ,should also be noted that the behavior of EUMs is often quite predatory- and this is NOT okay or excusable. It is an advantageous and abusive practice that causes a lot of damage to someone who is already in a vulnerable place to being with.
I was women of those women, and I fully accept my mistakes and take responsibility for the choices I have made. And I have worked and will continue working to strengthen personality- it is equally up to men as well to take responsibility for their actions and not perpetuate, condone or encourage abusive behavior among each other. Black men are capable of better than that. I wish you would spend more time examining why so many black men continue to chronically emotionally unavailable rather than justify and perpetuate these mindsets. It’s clear that the black community in particular has a problem with this considering the low marriage rates and high levels of father and husband/boyfriend absenteeism.
Take care.
Falling in love is natural and in some cases unavoidable but it is not a disease. You are not a leper nor are you weak because you "fell in love". It just complicates the relationship with an emotionally unavailable person and makes it run its course a little faster. Do not stay with an emotionally unavailable person once you realize that you are in love. Rather, put on your running shoes and create as much distance as you can. Find the courage to make a clean break. It gets easier with more practice. Emotionally unavailable men are everywhere and there are some really good ones out there. Take and enjoy all they have to offer but make a quick exit once your feelings get involved.
Ladies it's very easy to spot an emotionally unavailable man. Its called opening your mouth and asking. I've done this a handful of times. I know some men will lie but the genuinely nice guys that are going through this emotionally unavailable stage will be honest. I straight ask like "so how do you view me? Do you see me as a person you could eventually have a serious relationship with or are we just cool… just hanging out, nothing serious?" If I get the "we're cool"…. I tell the guy it was very nice meeting him and getting to know him for a little while but just being cool isn't what I'm looking for and that I'll see him around… I'm sure this has saved me a lot of heartache. Those first few weeks of getting to know somebody, you are not in love and it is much easier to walk away instead of being silent and hoping *fingers crossed* this could be your next boo. Miss me with that. No need in wasting everyones time.
I totally get the album…it’s mine and my part-time lova’s(of three years now) anthem album….yes we do….through the hold album….every time. I never wanted more from him…I got too much going on and so do he…he’s a music producer/song writer/club owner and I’m founder to a community organization. He puts all the music on my laptop/ipod/cell. Our lives are totally different except when we come to together for our thang. We toke, throw on Thursday and get sex magiced out!! I SO get Thursday! :o)))))))))) SINGLE LIFE IS THE GOOD LIFE!!
5 months late but just found out about this blog; please excuse.
I'm an emotionally unavailable woman. I just can't deal with the aggravation of falling in love- all the miscommunications/misunderstandings blending of family and friends. No relationship is immune to the outside world; it's like you have one couple on the outside and another on the inside. One thing I know is that I am this way by choice- just like love is a choice not just emotions. Emotions are fleeting, even the Bible says "The heart is deceitful above all things." I had some set backs, love is not on the agenda at the moment. I don't even know who I am right now so how can I possibly give my heart to a guy- and I know there are great men out there who are looking for a good girl to settle down with. I wonder if I'll ever marry…#fearofendinguplikemyparents.
the secret to keeping guys like me interested…be just like us. cant stand the needy, the constant questioning to confirm her status with me..i cant take it and im gone in four weeks. the best news i can get is a text saying that she "is done"…almost makes me want to go back, but i cant. she did my dirty work. this information is priceless for you women out there complaining. read it, and remember it! if you get caught in the crosshairs, dont get mad, just move on.
we are not flawed…we are not douchebags…we are just men who are simply not interested ANYMORE in a certain woman!
And for that i am not sorry!!!
I would prefer he lose my number and disappear. No sense in stringing me along
EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE (yet entertaining someone) = MASTER MANIPULATOR …emotionally unavailable (alone) = ay okay.
I was in love with an emotionally available guy…I think (yikes)! Well he was a mixed bag. Our situation was nutty. I guess I was unavailable also. He was a free agent when we met. I was in a relationship (a tumultuous one) I couldn’t get out of (still in it but now engaged). He never stated his intentions with me which to me is always code for just being “cool”. We pursued eachother intensely. I forgot I was even in a relationship at times. He asked if I would have kids with him. He always wanted to know where he stood, he even asked if I would be his girl (in his town…it was a LDR). I was always wishy washy and jokey whenever I responded to those questions. Part of me always felt it was just game. The other part of me thought he was falling and may have been a sucker for love. But looking back on it and reading all the comments on this thread, I’m going to definitively say it was game. Why do I say that? Although I was in an unhappy relationship the entire time, I made it abundantly clear through my actions that I wanted to be with him and he never jumped at the bait. So we recently started speaking again and he told me he has a friend that he’s cool with and he likes it but still wants us to be friends again. I’m not really about being second to anyone, double standard I know, but I think situations like this are just train wrecks waiting to happen. So word to the ladies, don’t be like me, falling in love when you know you have no business to. As repetitive as this may sound-no matter how hot, charming or rich he is, just leave at the nearest exit!
If women are mistakenly falling in love, it's because nine times out of ten a man (questionable term) doesn't ASK the woman what she wants; he just assumes it's enough to tell HER what HE wants. In an ideal world, he'd ask her and if her answer wasn't what he wanted to hear, they'd go their separate ways. In the real world, he doesn't want to know the answer because all he cares about is getting in her pants, not about hurting her feelings. The real problem here is the selfishness of the modern man — there are plenty of girls out there willing to screw you without falling for you, but men want who they want when they want her and screw the consequences for her. Do us a favor and don't write any more of these idiotic articles.
My dude and I are like this 100%. When we met I was on the relationship hunt, he spotted it and quickly had a talk about him being not interested in dating. While he knows that I do have feelings for him I respect the fact that he's unavailable and I haven't hinged my life around the possibility of us ever getting together. We are in a place where he is my best friend (we talk everyday about the bullshit in our lives, our plans and our hustles) and we have a sexual relationship.
This means that I have to be very careful about how I take in things like his respect for me, or his kindness or his protectiveness when a dude comes at me wrong in the club etc. Often times he's just being a good man and it's not "Oh look how sweet he's being, he must love me." As the woman here I know the score and I back off and clear my head because I understand that falling in love with him will only lead to heartache at this juncture in both of our lives.
I care for the dude and I know he cares for me, he's the best friend I've had in a long time but falling IN love with him could fuck me up when I am still very afraid of being hurt. So I'm always policing myself and stepping away because I know where he stands and he did me the service of letting me know upfront before we got intimately involved.
Through a lot of these conversations we've had over the last year I've realized that I wasn't looking for a bf, I was looking for friendship and intimacy and thought that a "boyfriend" was the way to get to that magical happy place. I think ALOT of women are looking for the same thing and if they could really just find a really great friend who is true blue some of that loneliness that we attempt to fill with "boyfriends" could be alleviated.
Awesome blog!
Well Damn! Real shyt! I've been there and won't return. The Emotionally Unavailable Guy falls for the Emotionally Unavailable Girl. That's why some of you marry whores. Right?
Oh boy!! I read enough of these comments to make me dizzy. This is an interesting article, and I wish I knew about it much earlier, but the issue still stands. Emotionally Unavailability, to me is the new "excuse" for FEAR! It's just that simple. Why else would you want to do all the things the constitute a good relationship, and yet claim to detach the emotional aspect of it? Why? Because emotion is the part that makes it hurt when it doesn't work out. So, naturally, we'll want to eliminate that part of it from the equation.
FYI, It's not a male only thing. Anyone can practice being emotionally unavailable and to be even more real with you, it's a crazy domino affect because one "emotionally unavailable" person usually creates another (remember the phrase: hurt people, hurt people…same concept). There's no guide book that comes with dating, falling in love, catching feelings, etc. for someone else, so you can't fault someone for falling for you whether you told them straight up or not! If you want to be real with YOURSELF and the other person, then don't leave room for ANY kind of misunderstandings. If you don't want someone to fall for you, make it clear verbally AND with your actions. It's like when woman have a male friend that they know likes them, they put him in that "Like a Brother" category, and they don't have sex with him, they don't tell him they want to have his baby, they don't drop hints that will make him think otherwise unless they're TRYING to play with their emotions. So, what should make guys any different. If you tell her that you are emotionally unavailable, yet do all the things that a man interested in her would do….uh…you're leaving her in a world of confusion and if she likes you enough, she's going to feel like she can stick it out long enough until you come around. There's NOTHING WRONG with that ladies and gentleman, because we're taught that while in the pursuit of a good relationship, showing the other person that you can be there for them through whatever is a part of the process. By nature, women are nurturing and hold on to hope like only God knows…it's crazy…we're super hopeful (which is why so many woman stay in abusive relationships as it is).
Bottom line is that it is fear. Whether you want to admit to it or not. Because if you really dont' want to bond with someone emotionally, then you wouldn't be doing all the things that allowed that to happen. Simple as that. If you need an illustration, it's like telling someone that you don't want to make a cake, but you gather all the ingredients, lay it out on the table, put on the apron, start mixing away, preheat the oven, put it in the pan, pop that thing in the oven, and when they start to anticipate getting a slice, you tell them….wait….I aint trying to make no cake…I thought I told you that! Like…really? Yes, eventually that person will take your word for it up front despite what they see and how good it will feel for them, but initially they're going to think they can convince you otherwise (hopeful), and that's not entirely their fault. It's selfish because you want to have your cake and eat it too….pun intended!
Oh, and one last thing…that whole comment about when a guy all of a sudden is emotionally available he'll move on to a new chick because he's not intersted in the one that stuck it out for him through his "EU" phase because she must have low self-esteem…that's BS in the biggest sense. He will one day realize that he WISHED he had a woman who wanted to support him during WHATEVER stage he was going through in life. That's what a strong woman does, not a weak woman. The ironic thing that happens in these situations is that when a guy becomes emotionally available or realizes he's getting old and wants to settle down and not play with a woman's emotions…so many woman will be emotionally unavailable that he'll regret letting a good one go, and may even get to know what it feels like to wear the other shoe.
As a woman I can assure you that there are plenty of emotionally unavailable women around too….me included. Bored of this relationship stuff.
I've read this article a couple times. Ain't never met a truly "emotionally unavailable" man, personally, but if a guy were to tell me that I would just think he didn't like me or didn't foresee a future with *me.*
Not to be insensitive, but how do you even pull the plug on your EMOTIONS? Like, isn't that the definition of a sociopath? I get it. I'm young and I want to have fun and everything. I'm not necessarily "looking" for something resembling commitment right now, but I do operate under the assumption that you never know who the eff you will meet or what the eff will happen. I guess I just don't buy that most of these dudes really fit under the emotionally unavailable (cause that's really real!) umbrella, but moreso the "i'm not into YOU, will never be into YOU, but I'm still interested in phukin you if thats cool" umbrella. If y'all were REALLY honest, you would say THAT. (although, I do know that there are these "Weeknd" types who are truly just unavailable, but most dudes really aint about that life)
Whenever i see an article like this it smacks of being judgmental of the woman like "a man doesnt love you because you don't value yourself" blah blah blah. That does hurt when i see it, but the truth of the matter is, if you date an 'unavailable' man that does not love you, maybe he would not love you if you were available anyways. He might not love you because you don't fit his ideal, whatever it is, period. And to be honest, men's decisions about love i have found rarely have to do with anything logical, even though they think they are the 'logical' ones, i have rarely ever found them to be logical at all. He might not love you because in his head his 'ideal woman' is ten years younger, or ten years older, or blonder, or darker, or fatter, or smaller, or more submissive, or less submissive. And most of the time there's not a damn thing you can do about it., and he himself doesnt even know why he doesnt like you.
Even if you held yourself with total pride there's still nothing you can do about it. I just had a 'booty call' situation with a guy and i immediately cut it off once i realized a) i was growing feelings and b) there's something about me he doesn't like, who knows what the hell it is. I've been holding my head up high ever since and does that mean he's going to 'love me' more? No probably not. Do I feel guilty about giving it up? Nope, I do not live in the *()*ing middle ages. Did I have fun? Yes, I did. Did I tell him to go find someone else once he started using me for friendship/emotional support? You betcha. And the truth of the matter is, guys aren't nice and good to you when they're emotionally unavailable because they're good guys, they do it because they're emotional leeches and they need attention, a lot of the time they need non sexual attention and they cant admit to it, and they dont want to be in a relationship to get it. Guys are the worst at it too because they dont have enough friends they can confide in like women do, so they always need a woman around to listen to their sob story, I've often found it to be pathetic. Since I noticed this behavior in my emotionally unavailable 'friend' I told him to go to the shrink, a friend, or his momma, because I am not his shrink, friend or momma. Let's give it up for strong ladies that don't take any *)*shit, yeahhh! Ok, i'm being a little ridiculous here, but only to make light of the situation, you all know what I'm talking about!
Cosign anonymous12
Holy reality check, Batman. Thanks for putting this into a logical perspective for us females perplexed by the emotionally unavailable men in our lives.
I just came across this article tonight of all nights when I was questioning if I made the right choice walking away from someone recently (He's the one who actually introduced me to this site). in the short time we've gotten to know each other (2 months) i was the happiest I've ever been with a man. It felt like we knew each other from a past life (if I believed in that). When he looked at me I could see in his eyes the feelings were mutual. we just had such great chemistry together. When I told him I was falling for him, he made sure to tell me exactly where he was in his life, how he felt about me, what he had hope for us to become and why he couldn't be what I needed right now.
Despite the talk we kept seeing each other and Kept getting closer. We would have these wonderful dates and intimate moments that seemed to be leading closer and closer to sex. He started to put distance between us once we started having those moments. I got mad because he was fighting it and wasn't ready to drink the cool aid so to speak like I was. I was confused, annoyed and started to feel hurt because he was good to me, but still hesitated and pulled a way when we could have been perfect TOGETHER.. What made it worse is the fact hat he seemed to be depressed for not being able to be what I needed him to be now and from hearing the disappointment in my voice time and time again.. We were both unintentionally hurting each other when we both knew we wanted each other. Ultimately I had to put my big girl panties on and call it and not even entertain any talks about being "friends" because he could never be just my friend.
I think about him every day and I miss him. After reading this article I see that walking away was the best decision for the both of us. He has issues in his life that only he can fix and it would have been such an emotional roller coaster had we tried to carry on the way we were. I'm also grateful that we didn't go all the way. Things would have been far more complicated had he not been strong enough for the both of us to prevent sex from taking over the situation.
This article speaks the truth!!! It also brings to mind that quote " if you love something let It go…" you can't force Two people to be in the same place in life and be ready for the same things. Love shouldn't be that hard. If its meant to be then it will be….the best kind attention, affection and love is the kind that's given without any effort.
went through the same exact thing..only a week after he was in relationship with someonelse…*heart break*.. his response? "I am so sorry I fell hard for her. i hope this doesn't make you feel bad about yourself. you are beautiful and smart and someone else will love you, but that guy is not me"
So sorry to hear that. You'll be okay though, be strong!
So an emotionally unavailable man rarely ends up spending his life with the woman who loved him thru their stretch of unavailability….HOW selfish is that…??? someone who loved you when you needed it the most. (REALLY). Just because a woman was there when you were unavailable doesn’t mean she doesn’t have self-worth or doesn’t value herself. When you love someone you give them your all and love doesn’t require terms or conditions. Love is a gift that need not be returned..but at the same time you have to know when to walk away when your needs are not being met. But if you’re blessed to have someone give you their all when your not willing to give your all, why would you then walk away and move on to the next chic? You’re walking away from “true love”. Makes NO sense!
So… I came across this post from a pingback of a friend's blog that I read but I couldn't have found it at a better time. Being that this is a 41 or 42 week old post. I'm sure you are long past the subject and my not even consider reading another perspective but someone may so here it is: http://blemishedshakenreality.wordpress.com/2012/… lol
What do women expect from emotionally unavailable men?
We expect you to change your mind if we stick around long enough. Simple. So simple that it never works. lol.
Im in the middle of ridding myself of a situation similar to this and Lord willing I will NEVER do it again. It hurts like hell regardless of the logic, the signs, the blatant honesty, the "leave him alone" speeches from friends and fam etc. I dont blame him nor do I blame myself. Lesson learned. Time to keep it pushin.
I guess the comment box is Prejudice I can make a comment of a paragraph.
Don’t tell me not to love you dude! Part 1
All the discussion on this topic is hurting my head. I am in this situation currently and it’s hard to get out of it when you're so deeply in love that you don't even care what he doesn't want or what he has said. I've been seeing this guy for over a year and 6 months now. Yes he tells me we don't have a relationship. Yes he told me not to love him because I will get hurt. He also knows that I am so deeply in love already that the words coming out of his mouth are being ignored completely. He thinks that I want to marry him and have his children, but I am not ready for all that. He thinks I want him to totally commit to me but I really don’t care until he starts telling me his stories about other women which I don't even want to hear.
Don't tell me not to love you Dude! Part 2
I admit there was a time I shared my other guy stories too. I have broken it off with him so many times but run back; if I don't run back fast enough for him he will initiate reconciliation.
When we do get back together, which the break up longest run was about two weeks he makes statements like, " You better act right", "don't ever tell me no", " if I call you, you better answer"," those other men are not about anything, they mean you no good”, and all that crazy mess. The reason I ignore what he is telling me is because he knows that if I did not love him I would not be sleeping with him and giving him my attention the way I do. I see this man three to five times a week, I am female how in the world would he feel like I would never become attached to him the way I am?
Don’t tell me not to love you Dude! Part 3
He knows and I know he is having his cake and eating it too. He treats me okay even though he is a player, I guess. I use to date other people to but he was always questioning me about who I was seeing or when the last time I had intercourse with someone else was. I stopped seeing other guys because I was not about to ever stop seeing this guy I am seeing now and it was unfair to the men that wanted a relationship. We all do have to take responsibility for our own actions so that’s what I did. I know I have sexwashed by this man, he is very charming, handsome and fine and he knows it too. I made my bed and I am lying in it. This man tells me things like, "you need to just enjoy the ride and play your part". I must be crazy or something right? Not at all. I am not insecure or any of that. It’s just that true love is unconditional once you become aware that, that’s what you have for someone.
Don't tell me not to love your Dude! Part 4
So he doesn’t have to feel the same way I do and he does not have to fully commit to me. Yes he does have to face the fact that all this time he has not left me alone even though he does not want to be available emotionally for me the way I want him to. He can't get off the hook with a clear conscience because he told me he wants no relationship or by telling me don't love him or I will get hurt. I have been hurt by him many times already and I think I may have hurt him a few times myself. So what is the point of him every couple of weeks telling me what he doesn’t want and what I should not do. When the fact of the matter is that we are already in the situation and not one of us is trying to change it.
Don’t tell me not to love you Dude! Part 5
I know I have said a lot and have jumped around the main topic, but really some guys just say the most stupid things when they try to cover up the fact that they are just selfish and self-absorbed, trying to make a woman feel it’s her fault she fell in love with such a person that wants to manipulate a situation so they can see other women without having to answer to the are you cheating on me question. Or maybe trying to weasel out of the whole responsibility of what a real relationship would detail. He is a control freak and I know it. If he ever finds someone that he will open up to emotionally and that person is not me then oh well I will have to get over it. I will just keep enjoying the company we keep together and that’s, that. By the way I am a Black woman. LOL
SoInLove…..I Posted these comments 83 weeks ago. I am still seeing this guy. It's still on for long periods and then off for short periods. We still hook up three, four times a week, sometimes twice a day. 83 weeks ago it was Over a year and a half of this situation. Smh, and he got a one yr old baby that I did not have. He blamed the woman of course. I'm not in love with him as much as I use to but there is still a strong attachment. I was really just infatuated back then. Sex is dangerous for us(women) especially if we enjoy it. Our heart just opens up like we have found "THE ONE". I think men are the same way to. I could not sleep with anyone for years and years if I did not care for that person. Slave days are over. LOL. Seriously though, if men are able to do that, which its been argued that they can. Like I said 83 weeks ago, I will get over it. My eggs are no longer in just his basket anymore. I still see other people from time to time just to see if a wonderful relationship will happen with another. When it doesn't I go right back to you know who Mr. emotionally unavailable and so far he has always been there. I want him to be there too.
my question is, if you are currently involved with an emotionally unavailable man, what can you do to increase your chances of him coming back to you when he's "ready"? i mean is there anything you can do? or once you're involved for so long is the damage already done? you give him your all and he doesn't give you a relationship… well… is there anything you can do to show him you know you're worth? your value? if you cut them off from sex completely won't that show a red flag? like it went from 100 to 0 ya know? i'm currently in this situation and like all other females I'm praying it works out 🙁 HELP
I like this article!!!! So interesting
I had no intention of posting anything, but by the time I got to the end of the article I HAD to weigh in, as I'm going thru this very thing RIGHT NOW! I'm dating a woman that, not be 2-faced but I gotta keep it real, I KNOW I don't want. Much for the same reason you stated in the article. I feel like if I am seeing YOU right now, and I KNOW I ain't shit (for the record I just graduated from college, but I STILL have a TON of work to do b4 I get it together… seriously, but I digress…) then what the F*CK is wrong with YOU!??? See, I have no problem owning up to my mess, but I feel like for HER to be with me, there HAS to be something wrong with her cause no SELF RESPECTING WOMAN should want to deal with me. It is what it is I suppose. #teamLOSElose *Kanye shrug*
This hurtful truth of the logic of unavailble emotional men, bin here for a very long time. This sting’s but i needed to read this…smh. Thank u for this one.
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I'm reading this asking if you're kidding me.
"But if a good guy treats a woman the way she deserves to be treated while telling her he can’t love her right now, she’ll ignore his words and follow his actions to oblivion."
I'm a woman who trusts your actions, not your words. If you aren't in a position to love me, you don't need to show me actions you need to say it and leave me alone. What the hell do men expect from women? This is too much decoding, too much bs, too much figuring. If I'm not interested in you, I'll say it and I'll stay away from you. Leading someone on and then wondering why they fall for you is almost as dumb as treating someone like trash but telling them you love them.
I respect honesty, if you don't want to be loved, say it and leave the person alone. I have never met someone who's met a beautiful woman and is able to say this and leave them alone. I guess the bottom line is maturity. Not every male is a man.
My recent post The Healing Process
All too often a man who is "emotionally unavailable" gets tagged with the label dog by a woman who thought she could get such a man to change his mind by giving him her best presentation. If he is a "good guy," a woman might expect this emotionally-unavailable-but-otherwise-good-guy to honor her "reciprocated" interest not understanding the reciprocity is not complete because he did not give her his heart. So when the looking good, smelling good, and … making him feel good does not make him flinch from being unavailable emotionally, she cries to her sister-girls how wrong she was done and paint a bad picture about this otherwise good man who let her know from the "get go" he only wanted her feminine amenities without the emotion.
My recent post Celebrated Love
I know I am like super late, but I just want to say thank you for writing this. When I finished this post it was like a lightbulb had gone off in my head regarding many of my past relationships. You have made it clear that it is a waste of my love to love someone who aint ready to receive that love.
All people do this. I am a girl who was emotionally unavailable due to dating men who weren't interested in me except for the fun parts. Then I met my boyfriend. I told him: I'm interested in hanging out (and making out!), but I'm not interested in anything serious right now. It hurt him. He was persistent though, and I eventually ended up dating him. But only because he's cute. And awesome. And maybe because I stayed with someone who was willing to put up with all my bullshit do I find that I am in a happy, healthy relationship rather than bouncing around to other new people that just cause me misery. Maybe that's why some of you are still single? Oh, wow, I found a beautiful amazing intelligent girl who cares about me and is patient enough to help me with through my mental issues. Lets' dump her for that chick in the corner because I need to be challenged and I enjoy the anxiety that's associated with the persistent possibility that she'll leave me for someone else or cheat on me if I'm not good enough! Nice 🙂
On the flip side, I dated an emotionally unavailable man last year who was going through all sorts of crazy , and he ended up asking me out after I had left him for good.
I know plenty of men who drop left and right for their "ex-gfs" or "gfs" despite the girl treating HIM terribly. It's not just girls. Boys are just as crazy. Do girls do this more often than guys? Yeah, probably. Maybe that's just because more men are emotionally unavailable or don't want commitment, but its human nature to want connections with others, and there are a lot of hormonal reactions that are released during sex. So if you're an unavailable guy looking for FWB, then maybe you need to reconsider your priorities. Do you want to focus on your career/hurt feelings like you seem to want to do by being emotionally unavailable? or do you want to hurt someone else (despite your primitive "disclaimer") by leading someone else on?
If you're going to have emotional boundaries, have other boundaries. No sex. Don't leave it up to the person you're hurting. They don't have boundaries. You do. Therefore, you get the responsibility of showing how far you want to go. Otherwise, you can't blame the other person for feeling hurt when you do one thing and say another.
Communication is only 20% verbal. It's 80% nonverbal. So why do women stay with abusive men? Abusive men know how to manipulate. They don't just say "I love you" x 10. They can show compassion, tenderness, and violent jealous outbursts. It's adorable. However, that's not how it starts out. No one goes on a 2nd date with a person that beats them on the first one. It's a gradual thing. Over time, letting that oxytocin and dopamine secretion amp up in your brain. Once those hormones are set in place (that "lovey-dovey" feeling) then you're fucked whether you're a guy or a girl.
But guys are definitely just as dumb and crazy as girls.
Guys are even dumber than girls for not comprehending this.
BOYS R STUPID.
I just happened on this article today…
“Emotionally Unavailable.” Hmmm…
IMO…Maybe some of this stems from the male or female not wanting to be “that” girl or “that” guy that’s perhaps one of many along the road to true love. However, it’s almost impossible to NOT be that person in the dating world and that’s OK (whatever an individual’s definition of what “dating” means). Dating >for me< is more of a companionship/friendship/hanging out activity that does not include sex and it wouldn't bother me that he's probably getting it elsewhere. I (and and I think most people, if they are being honest) usually know sooner, rather than later, if the chemistry/potential to take it to another level is there.
Now, relationship, commitment and exclusivity is another thing where I am going to be "emotionally (and physically) available" to it in EVERY way….. 🙂
At some point, that so-called "emotionally unavailable" person is going to encounter their true love and when they do, I think it's gonna be kinda hard to turn off "emotionally."
This feels like a cop out…
My response is that this concept of emotionally unavailable is a fallacy of thought. I expand on that theory here. https://collectivefailure.wordpress.com/2012/12/2…
BaggageReclaim.co.uk.
She addressed emotionally unavailability ten times better.
most emotionally unavailable men lie. as mentioned most wouldnt get to first base if they were honest. of course the men posting here dont do that (sarcasm), but the majority of the others do.
women may not always be the brightest in relationships but we also dont bear the responsibility of being clairvoyant. this article would have been a lot more relevant if that small yet hugely impactful detail was included.
I definitely believe that emotional unavailability is real. I've been emotionally unavailable for years now so I guess I must be the odd girl. I understand wanting what you want and nothing else because it's usually me telling somebody that I'm not ready for anything real. At the first sign that old boy is catching feelings it's time to pump the brakes. But in all fairness I don't do anything extra either. There's no phone calls, no chicken noodle soup if you're sick and I darn sure don't want to meet your friends or family. I'm not even going to have phone conversations about anything real with you. I don't care how your day went and I don't care about what's on your plate at work. That's relationship status and it's not that type of party. At all. No feelings is no feelings and I do my best to keep it clean. You don't continue to engage when you see somebody falling for you, that's just cold blooded. A smut is a smut, not a relationship. Don't blur the lines and expect someone to not catch feelings.
Greaaat article and nice topic. As you have said, there are numerous reasons why some men are emotionally unavailable, but personally i think the solution to such a problem requires both the man and the woman understanding of the problem.
I think that If a man gives himself the time and the chance to get attached to his girl and if she becomes a little bit unavailable for him, this man wall madly fall in love with the woman.
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this is so interesting…lol
Why do we blame the women mostly.instead of the bad actions of the male?
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This is a topic which is near to my heart…
Cheers! Where are your contact details though?
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I am convinced that conversations about where things are going in a "relationship" need to preceed sex. It is disingenuous to say "don't fall for me" after you've been intimate. I can only assume that your intentions were unclear if women everywhere feel they were misled by you. You might want to work a bit harder on your communication skills. I mean that earnestly and not as a dig.
I would be interested to know your exact approach to women as this may provide clues as to why they all become so clingy. As a woman I could certainly provide you with some feedback…
Based on the article, I can say this…
I don't think anyone sets out to be a "Thursday Girl". This should be a red flag that the woman has a good deal invested in the relationship because she is willing to accept your crumbs to prove her devotion. A woman that doesn't care about you isn't going to pencil you in once a week. If you're lucky, she'll fit you in once a month, cancel a couple times and show up late when she finally arrives. What a pain in the butt! No, you want a woman who cares enough to show up on time so I'm not buying that…
Next… A different girl for each night of the week? I don't know if you're sleeping with them all but that's kind of nasty.
Finally, to mock Girl Thursday for satisfying your needs and to then write her off for not respecting herself when you become emotionally available is actually pretty cruel. You might fall in love with a self assured woman but remember that no self assured woman would want to see another woman demeaned like that nor would she knowingly put her body at risk for a serious STD.
I hope that you are able to sort out your communication issues and stop all these women from falling in love with you 'cause you know love is just a terrible thing! Maybe it's just your stellar looks and ravishing personality. Who knows eh?!
I like reading through an article that will make men
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Like this viewpoint. Like to set a few things straight.
The causes of emotional availability are onefold: the individual. Let me put it this way, a person's behavior is the responsibility of the person who's exhibiting that behavior. Emotional availability is like being on time to work; it's a set of behaviors that the individual is in control of and chooses to make happen. Okay, that said, let me put it out there that if a man or woman chooses in life and a relationship to be emotionally unavailable, and communicates this to his or her partner then fine-it isn't a crime or a sin to emotionally unavailable, it's just predictable. Plenty of people are just fine with the predictable, "safe", power-position of being emotionally guarded and giving very little. The problem is-as you touched the surface of-that the kind of person you attract and then decides to stick around is typically, well….sick, and given these two types of personalities, no one should expect the 'relationship" to last. I suppose it would be interesting to know what the author thinks constitutes emotional availability.
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