Last week I started a firestorm on Twitter when I Tweeted the following in rapid succession:
@WisdomIsMisery: I’m thinking there is no reason to date a man over the age of 25 longer than 12 months if you want a ring from him. There, I said it.
@WisdomIsMisery: If you’re still “seeing where things go” on the 13th month. BREAK UP. You’re wasting your time
Plenty of men took exception with these statements but I already knew that was going to happen, since men don’t like timelines when it comes to relationships because men don’t like being held accountable. What surprised me was the number of women that took exception. I’m sure the majority of whom were with men longer than 12 months with no sense of commitment and will be with said man in their ambiguously defined “relationship” for the foreseeable future with no sense of commitment. Why is that? Lucky for you, I have some theories.
I’m not sure why people were shocked and appalled I suggested you shouldn’t waste time in pointless relationships after the age of 25 when the US Census Bureau states the average US man will marry by age 28; and woman by 27.
By 25, you should know the type of woman/man you do not want to date. You may need more time to determine the type of woman/man you want to be with but if you can’t figure out the type of people you do not want to be with you are behind the learning curve. You need to enroll in Remedial Dating 101 before all your friends graduate and you’re still trying to figure out freshmen level dating.
Ladies, if a man is dating you for 12 months and he does not know what he wants from you (assuming you know what you want from him), another 12 – 36 months will not help. At some point, you need to leave him. No matter how good he is on paper, because if he is the man you need, he will come after you; otherwise, he is a good man but he is a good man that is wrong for you.
I’m going to be honest with the ladies – fellas forgive me – the average man knows where he wants a relationship to go in 48 hours (or less). Men play dumber than we are for the sake of avoiding accountability but when a man walks up to you he already has an idea of what he wants from you. As you begin conversing, he begins mentally assigning you to the various categories you may fall into in his life. If you meet on a Friday, by Monday he knows where he wants the relationship to go and it’s likely it will not change – and if it does, it will usually be for the worst. In other words, if he meets you and thinks, “This girl is possible wife material,” you can only go downhill from there. Furthermore, it is much harder for a girl to go from “this girl is a [garden tool]” to this girl is “wife material.”
A man knows long before a woman whether he is going to commit to her or not. He knows, you can only assume. Often times, however, he will put off the inevitability of his decision for as long as possible, especially if you are not forcing him to choose. If a relationship was a boat, men are the captain. They know the destination but that doesn’t mean they have to tell you – and if you’re in an ocean (an undefined relationship), regardless of the final destination the scenery on the way there looks the same.
A woman asked: If a man hasn’t asked you to marry him after 12 months he never will? No, but the longer you date a man in an undefined relationship the odds of you ever getting a commitment from him decrease, not increase. Nine times out of 10, if a grown man is keeping you around, while refusing to commit, it’s because he is looking for something better.
Why else would he do it? Who is this guy, Barack Obama? What is he doing that is so important in his life that he cannot commit to you but he can do everything BUT commit? If he sincerely thought you were irreplaceable, why on God’s green Earth would he risk losing you? I’ll answer: He doesn’t think you’re going anywhere and he is likely looking for an upgrade; give him enough time and he will find one.
Think about it, you’ve deemed this man good enough for you but he is still on the fence about your worth in his life? Why wait around for a man that has made it abundantly clear he doesn’t value you as high as you value yourself?
In closing, if you want a commitment, date men that want to commit and hold them accountable. It’s really that simple. For the sake of their sanity, I know women are going to argue, “I know X and they dated for XX years and they still got married.” My response is twofold: 1) As your parents use to say, “I’m not X parents…” so I’m going to say to you, you’re not X and unless you’re married too, who cares? 2) The point is not they finally got married. The point is how long did he string her along without a commitment before they got married? …is it worth it?