***At this point, this post has grown from a throwback to a traditional post. I thought it was funny that last year I received a forward of this email. Someone sent me an email and told me that this was the funniest thing they’ve ever read and they definitely sent it to their girlfriend. Today marks the beginning of the 2011 Football season. We didn’t know this day would ever become a reality, but it’s here. The lockout is over and so is the preseason. Copy this into an email and send to all of your boys and tell them to send to their girlfriends immediately. Football is back. Amen. This is for all men (and women) to come together for some football, beer (or soda), wings (or nachos), Miller Light Girls, and the company of other men professing their fan hood. Let’s get ready for some FOOTBALL.***
You know that I appreciate you. I appreciate you so much. I enjoy talking to you, spending time with you, and just generally spending afternoons on the couch snuggled up with you reading a good book. We both have busy schedules so I know that most weekdays we hardly speak with the exception of hi and bye, and getting ready for bed in the evening. Friday nights we usually make time to grab dinner and Saturdays are usually filled with errands or attending functions that we’ve both been invited to attend as a couple. Sundays are our day. And I think that most couples would agree, Sunday is that day that you can spend with your significant other and everything is perfect. Sunday hugs, kisses, naps, and a good movie are the way to go.
Because I really appreciate that time with you, it pains me that I regret to inform you, that football is starting. This may be hard for you to understand and that’s why I took this time to write you this letter. I thought you would appreciate me getting my feelings out on paper.
I only get one day a week to watch football because it only airs on Sundays. Football starts at 1PM on Sunday, but lasts until 12AM on Tuesday. Let me explain, the games on Sunday are; 1-4PM, 4:30-7:30PM, and 8:30-11:30PM. On Monday, there is a special Encore presentation of Football at 8:30PM. It’s because the games on Sunday are so great that as men we cheer for an encore even if it kills us. I need this time, this time reminds me that I’m a man and that manly blood runs through my veins.
(I should warn you that towards the end of the season there will be games on Thursdays and Saturdays. I know that this may become overwhelming, so since Thursdays is my night out with the fellas. We’ve decided to compromise and kill two birds with one stone by watching football during our fellas night.)
Also, several of my friends will come over to watch the game, or we may go to a sports bar. If I’m not in attendance I will be considered a bad friend and my manhood will undoubtedly be questioned. They will think that while men are being men, I’m probably locked in house with a blanket and hot tea watching a romantic TBS movie. And babe, I love those TBS movies, but I don’t love it when my boys laugh at me.
As it pertains to logistics, I’d like to discuss a few things. I’m a 49ers fan, and although you may not like the 49ers, it would probably be best if you went ahead and acted like you did. I get emotional. My fan hood is deeply rooted and not easily moved. Anything you say, I probably already know, and have known for some time now. For example, “Baby the man just said the 49ers haven’t scored an offensive TD in 9 quarters?! Is that a good thing?” That’s only going to make it worse. Don’t add salt to open wounds, just do what I do. And when I’m upset, just pat me on the back and tell me to keep drinking my beer.
If we have people over to our apartment for the games please be a great host. I would like to be as helpful as possible; however, my time is limited because I’m expected to be sitting in the living room watching the games at all times. Recently, there’s been a new thing that me and the guys have been trying out. With the advancements of DirecTV and NFL Ticket, we can watch all the games on Sunday. The only problem is we can’t watch them at the same time. It may make you a bit more comfortable not be around for this, but… we’ve found that by taking all the TVs in the house and placing them in the living room we can watch all the games at the SAME TIME! I know this may look like a mess but I’ve talked to all the guys and we’ve agreed to help straighten up when the games go off on Sunday, so you don’t have to. Anything I can do to help out with the household chores makes me happy, babe. I know you work hard to keep our home clean and neat.
During halftime is when most guys will break to call their girlfriends, wives, or side pieces. Some guys will need a few more minutes just to get up to speed on fantasy scores. However, if you’re going to be around, this is a good time for us to spend about 30 minutes together. And I can’t think of a better place to be doing that than in the bedroom. Yes, sex at halftime is BAWSE! It’s our way of staying connected and it’s also a stress reliever.
I’m glad I took the time to sit down and write you this letter. I feel so much better now that I’ve gotten his off my chest. I was so worried that you would be upset, but I think that now that I’ve expressed my feelings to you, you’ll understand 100%. If you want to talk about this later, please let me know, I’m always open to talking to you and hearing your thoughts. Lastly, know that, football only runs from September until February. (That’s 5 measly months!) Talk to you soon!
With Love and Admiration,
Your Honey Bunches of Oats
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