Home Featured When Great Sexual Chemistry Isn’t Such a Great Thing

When Great Sexual Chemistry Isn’t Such a Great Thing

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Is Better Than 12 Steps

 

I don’t often write about sex on the blog. For me, it’s the most personal way two people can communicate their feelings to one another and because it’s so personal, I don’t think it’s a topic that should be broached lightly. But as I reflect on my relationship history and how I got where I am now, I can’t help but think back to times in my life where I’ve had amazing physical chemistry with someone, but, for whatever reason, the relationship didn’t work out. What I’ve come to realize is that, often times, great sexual chemistry can actually hinder a relationship from reaching its full potential. Here’s why:

Deep, Passionate, Earth Shattering sex doesn’t always equal deep, passionate, Earth shattering love.



Despite how much many of us want to believe it’s not, sex is probably the most powerful form of communication we have. It’s our God given way of expressing just how deeply we feel toward another human being. At varying points in human history and in varying societies sex’s value has been altered or diminished; on a more individual level, at varying points in most of our lives some of us may alter, devalue, or compartmentalize the importance of sharing ourselves with someone sexually, but, at our core, on the most basic human level, I think we can all agree that sex means something. Now when the sex is great… somehow we convince ourselves that it means something more.  We start believing that the more pleasurable the sex the more deeply we must care about each other. In reality, that’s not always true. Sometimes, for some strange and mysterious reason, two people who don’t really love each other and may or may not even really like each other can actually have phenomenal sexual chemistry. But because the sex is great, you forget how much you dislike that person, or how incompatible the two of you are. How many months, weeks, years… and for some folks – decades have been wasted with someone you know you’re completely incompatible with just because the sex was great?

See Also:  The Problem with Black Men Accusing Their Women of Being “Crazy”

Bad sexual chemistry doesn’t always have to be a deal breaker.

I’ve had many a conversation around a relationship ending – or never really getting started – because when relations were had – a lot was left to be desired.  It usually goes a little something like this:

Boy meets girl. Boy and girl go out on date and a good time is had by all. Boy and girl text. Boy and girl talk on the phone. More fun dates are had and eventually, boy and girl decide it’s time to have sex. Boy and girl have sex.  Sex is like the Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, minus the Wondrous and wow. Boy assures girl it was a fluke. Girl believes. More dates are had but they are permeated by a strange awkwardness because both people are nervous about the impending disappointment sure to come the next time relations are had. That nervousness effects performance, sex is again terrible, relationship fizzles, both move on to the next.

The thing to realize here is, just because it was bad the first time, or the first two times, or the first 20 times, doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad forever. More importantly, what could have been a beautiful relationship ends up getting cut short because of something that, at that stage in the relationship, shouldn’t really be that important.

See Also:  5 Tips on Choosing the Right Music for Sex

Great Sex will make you over look a whole lot of stuff you probably shouldn’t be overlooking.

Sometimes, when the good is that good, you lose perspective. You forget about all the things you’re looking for in a friendship, a serious relationship and a spouse. We forget about the fact that she can’t boil water or he doesn’t have a job, or she couldn’t break a 1000 on the SATs or his name is Peanut. We forget that she keyed her last boyfriend’s car because he smiled at the coat check lady or that he is as emotionally mature and stable as Chris Brown. We overlook glaring flaws – stuff that should cause us to run the other way because when the lights go down – they move from penny stock to fortune 500 blue chip.

Here’s the thing. I think, in a perfect world, everyone would wait until they got married to have sex. Think about it, if we all waited until we got married, the only sex we’d know would be the sex we were having with our spouse. There’d be no such thing as “sexual chemistry.” You and your spouse would just make it work, and you’d probably be pretty happy. That, in my mind, is how God intended it to be and I don’t think it’s ever too late for someone to decide to try out God’s plan. I also realize that not everyone believes in God, and of those who do, not all believe in waiting till marriage to have sex. For you guys, even though you’re all dangling by a thread over the gates of hell (j/k), at the very least, don’t allow yourself be fooled into thinking someone is perfect for you because the sex is perfect, and don’t give up on a relationship just because it’s not. Instead, chill out. Enjoy courting and dating for a while. Take your time, get to know the person, and when it’s right, let sex truly be the way you and the person your with tell each other you love each other.

See Also:  5 Reasons Why Break Ups Suck

So what do y’all think? Anyone ever pushed a relationship well beyond its breaking point because of some great boot knocking? Anyone ever ended a relationship that was otherwise great because of bad sex? And have any of you ever overlooked some glaring deal breakers because of great sexual chemistry? Feel free to over-share.

Shoutout to the residents of our nation’s capital – The District of Columbia – y’all showed me a lot of love this weeknd and I truly appreciate it.  Back in the hood now though … low and firing.

 

Comment(118)

  1. Damn if this isn't true. Great post!!!

    The good good can have you messed up and strung out for no apparent reason. Missing all of the dead bodies and mayhem laying around the room. We definitely jump into things too quickly (guilty) and then are too quick to dismiss (guilty). These days, if all of the other chemistry is on point, I would have to give things some time and a second look.

      1. Right!!! I have been saying to people that everyone wants all of the benefits of a relationship without putting in any of the work. Where they do that at? Nay. No. Negative. Not happening. It's really better to take it slow. I know from experience. If we take the time to get to know a man/woman, without adding all of the mind-blowing sex we'd be shocked to know we either might really like them for who they are or maybe not.
        My recent post Volume I : Things My Exes Have Taught Me…I Am the Prototype

  2. I can say it made me stay with a particular young woman longer than I should have. That was my wakeup call and I learned in subsequent encounters to leave sex off the table. I learned that if she’s not worth committing to and worth raising children with, she damn sure ain’t worth sleeping with, no matter how nice she looks.

  3. Rather than staying because the sex was so good, I think people stay because they're unsure if they will find that chemistry. It's the comfortability of getting that premium boot knockage not the actually sex itself. People want that sexual and emotional guarantee of some sort and don't want to be uncertain.

    The main reason I believe people stay is because WE TEND TO GIVE PEOPLE MORE CREDIT THAN THEY ARE WORTH AS HUMAN BEINGS and end up making excuses for a partner that isn't worth more than a nut and a warm towel.

    Personally, the best sex I've had was with the person I loved the most and I've never let a relationship or woman overstay her welcome based on sex. I usually have a lot of good sex, because I'm good at sex (not trying to be conceited, but its because I'm experienced and I enjoy it and practice makes perfect). Leaving some good sex behind has never been a worry. Because throughout life (not regarding sex but in all things) you find that when you have the gull/courage to leave a situation that isn't working out, you usually find something better and step your game up- you improve as a person in most cases.
    My recent post Are You Single? Are You Taken?

  4. Great post! I think sometimes even in love great sex blinds us and I'm saying when the relationship begins in a more appropriate fashion with sex not being the sole focus. More appropriate fashion= a friendship growing into something more, love then sex. I've experienced that before and I had to evaluate and come to terms with the fact that I didn't want that to overpour the love so it stopped, but the love didn't. I guess in a sense I was testing to see if my love was real. But I do believe that's where a lot of women mess themselves up, sexing first then wanting the relationship or love…I mean it's a little too late for that now and it rarely happens but I wouldn't take any chances.

  5. "Here’s the thing. I think, in a perfect world, everyone would wait until they got married to have sex. Think about it, if we all waited until we got married, the only sex we’d know would be the sex we were having with our spouse. There’d be no such thing as “sexual chemistry.” You and your spouse would just make it work, and you’d probably be pretty happy. That, in my mind, is how God intended it to be and I don’t think it’s ever too late for someone to decide to try out God’s plan. I also realize that not everyone believes in God, and of those who do, not all believe in waiting till marriage to have sex. For you guys, even though you’re all dangling by a thread over the gates of hell (j/k), at the very least, don’t allow yourself be fooled into thinking someone is perfect for you because the sex is perfect, and don’t give up on a relationship just because it’s not. Instead, chill out. Enjoy courting and dating for a while. Take your time, get to know the person, and when it’s right, let sex truly be the way you and the person your with tell each other you love each other."

    That is pretty much verbatim on my view on sex b/f marriage. I also think if more people had this approach the divorce rate would be lower. And a lot of couples would actually understand their spouses more. Today's game is counter productive because we base serious relationships on chemistry and other irrelevant factors not on true compatibility (such as relational, spiritual and emotional compatibility).

    Then they try basing a serious relationship (marriage) on one compatibility factor (sex). What happens when the relationship goes through its trials or a dry period? What will sustain it? Sure, the sex might be great but they don't have a clue on how to be in a relationship with the person. I am a big believer in building a right foundation for a relationship to work. Sex is one of those factors that should be added after you grow enough to love a person based on that foundation you built with that person.

    From a Christian standpoint, I heard this amazing series on relationships by Andy Stanley called "The New rules for Love, Sex and Dating" back in May. I want to say the third message in the series explains what you are talking about in greater detail. Again, great post!

      1. It was very good. I've been listening to him online for about 4 years now (my mom listened to his dad when I was growing up). I always liked his common sense approach to Christianity.

        The funny thing is that, some of the smartest people I know are some of the dumbest when it comes to relationships. For some reason common sense is thrown out the window when it comes to love and s*x.

        1. I agree. The most important lessons I learned about relationships was from church. Whenever I enter a relationship, I usually end up playing a teaching role. So many people don't really know what love is and how to give and receive love in a relationship. I think there are very few examples of it in society today, so even the people who want to do the right thing end up messing things up for themselves.
          My recent post Random ramblings, I suppose

    1. "That is pretty much verbatim on my view on sex b/f marriage. I also think if more people had this approach the divorce rate would be lower. And a lot of couples would actually understand their spouses more. Today's game is counter productive because we base serious relationships on chemistry and other irrelevant factors not on true compatibility (such as relational, spiritual and emotional compatibility). "

      Whew… so true.

  6. Great Read!!

    Yes, in a perfect world today people would follow the old rule S.ex after marriage, our grandparents did it and their parents and it worked!!

    But we are a microwave generation — wanting everything quick. So when s.ex is had and the experience was lacking (girl didn’t give head/he didn’t munch on the box or salad toss/girl didn’t ride, etc.) People are quick to dismiss them and move on to the next without giving that person a chance to improve. S.ex is no longer deemed sacred, it’s like a sport now with team members getting replaced or benched on the regular.

    1. Hah! I dont think our grandparents did that. I think they followed the old rule "If you break it you have to buy (Read: marry) it" lol!

  7. Idk why but the first thing that came to mind was this eharmony commercial n dude is like we both like soccer but if its not the world cup everyday we gonna have problems. Its kinda like that way with great sexual chemistry is only relevant when ur having sex n if thats all ur bringing to the table it wont work. Sex is important but its a brief action (in regards to a whole day of course 😉 ) and its not convenient to base something like a relationship upon

  8. I've said it once and I'll say it again, this is why I remove sex from the courting experience..performance wise I know what im capable of, so Im not really worried about that..at age 32 (im mad it took me this long) I now ask that magical question before sexin, " Do you see this chick as ya future wife if she gets pregnant ? "…that question alone help me keep my stuff in my pants….

    Good post sir Spradley

  9. Uhh……..No. nope. Nah, man. Wrong on all counts. Ok, at least for some. I think some people may hold these illusions about the importance of sex, but I don’t. Because I’ve had plenty of mind blowing sex with virtual strangers as I have with people I love. And Ive had disappointing sex with my forever man and the man du jour. Sex can be an expression of how you feel about the person, but that is not the definition of sex. It is a spiritual joining of people in a state of pleasure. You dont need love for that. You don’t need to convince youself he’s the one. You can enjoy the sex and the person. Period.

    Whether or not you can love that person and live with them is a whole other matter. And if you have the tendency to confuse the two, then maybe you should wait for marriage. As for the rest of us, the chastity safety save youself from confusion prevention belt is superfluous. We ride with the top down.

    1. Wild Cougar you have me totally confused. You have had mind blowing sex with virtual strangers? What in the hell are you doing with your keyboard and mouse? Please put me onto how you got your cyber sex life to be that bawse.

        1. According to Urban Dictionary:

          virtual stranger – Anyone you have met and got to know on the internet but never in real life. A virtual stranger remains a virtual stranger no matter how well you know them on the internet. You could be sitting there naked 24/7, staring at each other’s personal items on your webcams, but if you haven’t met IRL, then you’re still virtual strangers.

          That's why I said what I said.

        2. No it's not my authoritative source, but the term "virtual strangers" is slang and won't be found Oxford, Webster or any College Dictionary.

        3. Uh, oh. Brought out the dictionary n sh*t. I guess you showed me! I was using virtual as an adjective, or a modifier. Did you want to address my point or get lost in semantics in order to distract from it? But the real question is, who made you mad today?

      1. Um. I guess. But I don’t know what you mean, like me. Women who have casual sex? I never said that was rare. Women being open about it is.

        Then you say you don’t know how many ride with the top down. Please explain.

    2. Why would you wanna join your spirit with a virtual stranger though? (What if he's a satan worshipper or or some sh!t) I would have agreed with you more if you said sex was animalistic and primal, therefore you have mind blowing sex with a stranger which wouldn't require much depth to the relationship at all. But IDK about the joining spirits thing
      My recent post Are You Single? Are You Taken?

      1. Why would I join spirits with a Satan worshiper?! I wouldn’t. I’m not totally indiscriminate about my partners. I do have to like them, and you can tell a lot about someone in a few hours, if you’re paying attention. Of course, I, like anyone can be fooled, but its not a permanent or lasting injury.

        Sex for me is neither animalistic nor a lifelong bonding experience. It’s a momentary bond. A beautiful thing on its own.

  10. The divorce rates were lower because women didn't have the financial mobility to live on their own after divorce and because there was actually public sham for not being able to fix or stay with your marriage wherever you lived in America. You only got remarried if your spouse died. So, yeah, let's stop all this garbage about the 'good ol' days were everyone married at 12 and loved each other forever until they were 80 years old where the died together in bed cuddling'.

    I remain unconvinced that waiting until after being married does anything, positive or negative, in relation to the happiness in the marriage.

    1. What you mean to say is, you haven't been able to get any women who read this blog or any of the others in the circle to sleep with you and you're now telling the truth.

      I am happy to see the development in you. Cheers.

      However, I don't agree 100% with what you just said.

      1. Clearly I'm pandering when the women are in agreement with the post and I'm in the opposition. I take issue with any revisionist history. And considering I was brought up in the military family where everyone is discouraged to talk about anything that may or may not be wrong within the family, ironically (and by ironically I mean not ironically) enough that includes divorce which is heavily discouraged by everyone.

        1. Nah, you're lost in the wrong room. Malik knows what i'm talking about because he's been around for most of the conversation.

          Sike nah, it's an inside joke, didn't start with that comment today.

      2. Hold on Dr J. Are you suggesting that the only way to get e-panties is to suck up to the blogger and agree with every simpy post?

        Are you saying goons can't bag?

      3. I could be wrong but I think Dr. J is simply engaging in his usual playful banter with Malik. I should point out that Malik is a very refreshing commenter. He doesn't automatically take the "male" side as some posters like to do just because… He doesn't always always go with the "female" side either. I know I've thumbed him down a couple times before because I didn't agree with what he said. But he is one person whose comment I always look out for just because I know it's going to be objective.

        1. Yes! I think Dr J usually takes exception to Malik's comments that are in agreement with the ladies and calls it pandering. *shrugs*

        2. The number of dislikes are not an indication of whether or not people agree or disagree with me. It's a playful game that most readers play to show their "love" for me.

        3. Soooooooooooooooooooo

          Malik was cyber chexing with Truth, Dr J found the link, watch the whole thing with a jar of vasoline than got jealous and is now throwing shade Malik's way and Truth is defending man.

          Got it!

    2. You know, I agree with you. I think we fixate on sex and give it a lot more power than we really should. Yes, it symbolizes a physical bond, but its actually a pretty weak bond. Sex should not be the reason you stay together or if your marriage broke up. And if it is, your marriage probably would have broken up anyway, regardless if the sex was good or not.

      On the other hand, my parents (who counsel a lot of marriages), tell me that the sex (# of partners before marriage, infidelity, etc), thing comes up all the time. So its definitely a contributor. But there are always many other things going on in addition to whatever sex issue that comes up.
      My recent post Random ramblings, I suppose

    3. OMG Thank you thank you thank you! I am reading this dudes blog like WTF? No sex isn't everything but "back in the day" women were suffering from years of not having orgasms with their husbands. Husbands were going out and paying for what they couldn't get at home. Then both come back and eat dinner at the table like Ozzie and Harriet.

      Women and men in the 21st century want and deserve good sex, good foundation, compatibility and spirituality. Not one or the other. I want a man who loves making me feel good in every area. People have the bible all wrong. Solomon felt passion and love and it was all good and all of GOd.

      Plus even if you have never had good sex, you damn sure know that the man you married can't or wont' try to please you. That is a miserable relationship. Better off just having a few good male friends and not get married.

      I think this is crazy and we just gonna end up suppressing our true selves hoping that sex doesn't come up as an issue between the ages of 20-60 years old. After 60, I think it doesn't matter as mcuh as it used to but, sex is not an afterthought. People as someone who has had both, make sure sexual compatibility is there or else its a LOoooong marriage with a lot of secrets.

  11. Why does this read look so familiar to me? Very good write and very true. A person can waste yearsnof their lives holding on to a good sexual connection. Wake upnand look at how a person really treats you, not how they f* you.

  12. If this isn't the truth Mr. Spradley! My greatest sex of all time (GsOAT. Yes, I went there. lol) was also with the guy I was the least compatible with ever. I'm talking NOTHING in common compatible. I'm talking, you better hope you have NO accident with this guy compatible. Up till now, I still don't know how we stayed together for as long as we did. At the time I couldn't believe how you could be so compatible with someone in the most sacred and intimate of all activities and yet have nothing else in common. I mean we could barely carry on a conversation over the phone. Yet I believed there was something there. Eventually, I guess I just snapped out of that sex induced coma and came to the realization that this was CLEARLY going nowhere and ended it. He still continues to hold that title but I'm certainly glad the condom never "broke" and my pills never failed me :-).

  13. Naturally men save more….some ninjas still have their high school fb jersey, still got jeans from 5 years ago, sneakers they aint wore in who knows…so of course we’ll reluctantly gonna waste some good good even if she’s dumb as rocks, cant cook to save her life and kinda cray

  14. Good post! I have a few thoughts about the section, "Deep, Passionate, Earth Shattering sex doesn’t always equal deep, passionate, Earth shattering love."

    "Feel", as used in the noted section, could be attraction, lust, like, love, hate…whatever you feel. Chex communicates something. That "something" isn't always good…or lasting. But "something" happens. "Something" is transfered during the act. Modern society attempts to disconnect from that "something"…as Mr. Spradley mentions. But, no matter how hard we try, our physical and spiritual designs won't allow a complete disconnect. So, be prepared for…and be ready to realistically handle…whatever the "something" is…which is determined based on how you "felt" when you did it.

  15. Excellent post! It somewhat confirms 2 things that I’ve long said.

    Sex is overrated.

    Only have sex with people whom you would be okay with potentially having a child with

    1. "Only have sex with people whom you would be okay with potentially having a child with"

      This is great in theory, but takes out all notions of realism to me. I mean, who will really subscribe to this (unless u had hella kids, got burned or are in the seminary). lol.

      Seriously though things like that are WAY easier said than done.
      My recent post Video – CNN music dedication gone wrong

      1. *raises hand* …2 kids (born into marriage), no burn, not in seminary, lol.

        I think its pretty real for those who weren't built for casual chex. All you're doing is waiting for partners with long-term potential…not necessarily that you KNOW how things will end. Its not always easy, but you minimize regrets that way.

        You're not just in it for a "good time"…You want "the big picture". So, when single, you chill and wait…filling your time with other important things.

  16. Interesting post Mr Spradley…it'll never happen, but interesting post.

    Anyone ever pushed a relationship well beyond its breaking point because of some great boot knocking? Absolutely.

    Anyone ever ended a relationship that was otherwise great because of bad sex? I've ended many a fledgling relationship because of lack of physical attraction. Pretty sure this isn't what you were going for, but yes, I want to want to tear your clothes off, whether I'd act on that or not. Chex is so very tied to my emotions that I'm not sure I could have truly terrible chex with someone that I cared for. And this theory has been tested. I had a thing with a guy for a year that was less than stellar in the sheets, but since I cared more for him than the other guy I was seeing in the beginning of our unrelationship (who was way better at pushing the right buttons, but just dumb) – I chose the less than stellar chex, but I still enjoyed the act. So while I was able to understand that he was not as good as the Box of Rocks, because I cared for him, it was still "good enough".

    And have any of you ever overlooked some glaring deal breakers because of great sexual chemistry? I'm going to have to say yes. This is the guy that you make all these rules for in your head that make sense and are good ideas and in everyone's best interest, but then the first time you catch a whiff of him, all that ish goes out the window and you're doing things to and for him that you'd never thought that you'd ever do… *smh*

    1. When you say "want to tear your clothes off" do you mean like when you first meet them?
      I have never met anybody that looked just that good.

      1. *blush* ummm, well I get that feeling a lot (dangerous side effect of NOT having sex, lol) – but no, that's not what I meant.

        I mean that if we've been on 3 dates and I still have not pictured you nude or been compelled to kiss you or fantasized about you in one way or another, then you're probably not getting another date. I don't wanna date my brother, there's gotta be some spark.

        And yeah, that's happened with a genuinely good guy. I felt a little guilty for calling it quits, but if we have 0 romantic connection in the beginning, that doesn't bode well for 12 years into marriage, much less 50…

      2. "When you say "want to tear your clothes off" do you mean like when you first meet them?
        I have never met anybody that looked just that good"

        lol…that's funny. I felt this way within 30min of meeting my fiance. Wasn't what he looked like so much as it was what I felt like being in his space.

  17. "or she couldn’t break a 1000"

    eff standardized tests son. i hate them with a passion. my score on the sat did not correlate with how intelligent i was/am or how well i would do in college. *rant over*
    My recent post 30 Libra Summers

  18. I don't think sex before marriage has any baring on whether the marriage is a successful one. My parents and grandparents may have waited for marriage before sex, but that didn't stop my grandpa or dad from cheating on their wives.

    There's just too many other factors that come into play on whether or not a marriage is successful. There are some people who slept together very soon and have great marriages. And there are those who waited for marriage and had horrible ones.

    I'm still holding out for a fulfilling, reciprocal love. It'll definitely save me from heartache.

  19. Excellent post. Pretty much sums up 2 things I’ve long been saying.

    Sex is overrated.

    Only have sex with people whom you are okay with a child resulting from the act.

  20. Good $ex certainly can cloud thinking when it comes to relationships. I've fell victim to this. Mind-blowing $ex is great, but there is the other 95 percent of the time to think about also.

    For people built for casual $ex and aren't pursuing anything serious, this isn't an issue. For people looking for something long term, good $ex can be disastrous because from foreplay to the afterglow that follows the 0rgasm, other the person's incompatibility is the furthest thing from your mind.

    First, a rush… heat… her heart flutters. You can see it, Neo, yes? She does not understand why – is it the wine? No. What is it then, what is the reason? And soon it does not matter, soon the why and the reason are gone, and all that matters is the feeling itself. This is the nature of the universe. We struggle against it, we fight to deny it, but it is of course pretense, it is a lie. Beneath our poised appearance, the truth is we are completely out of control.

  21. Well-written post! Especially the deal breaker aspect. Sexual chemistry seems to often rank high up in people's compatibility scale. But maybe the thing some ppl overlook is when a person is into you, you can mold them into being what you want intimately. If you're not that vested, then you can't really complain if it's limited to basic poking

    It dawned on me after 2 "wtf am I doing" relationships that sexual chemistry is very misleading. Ppl try to force that sexual chemistry over into being chemistry in other aspects, which is how people wind up in these pseudo-relationships. We lull ourselves into believing that great sex + surface attractiveness can lead to a credible relationship. Have yet to see that happen. I personally have never had great sex with a woman I didn't like on some platform. But my likeness for her was pretty minimal. Which meant all we did was have sex and go to a movie. Or have sex and see each other sparingly, to like prevent that too attached thing

    "We forget that she keyed her last boyfriend’s car because he smiled at the coat check lady" <— this was funny to me b/c I've heard my homeys say that the crazy 1s always have the best box
    My recent post The Mufasa Method [Pt. 2]

  22. "The thing to realize here is, just because it was bad the first time, or the first two times, or the first 20 times, doesn’t mean it’s going to be bad forever."

    Sir, 20 times? Twenty whole times??? Come on! At that point, wouldn't you be teetering dangerously towards that ever popular definition of insanity ;-)?

    1. Not if the first 9 happened within 24 hours. You may feel a little hopeless, but still, it's technically only the first time, and you didn't even get to tell him what to do. So let's see what he does the next 9 times, and then the next 9 times :D.

      If I remember correctly, it was after a week or so of having copious amounts of sex that I actually started enjoying it physically. I had been enjoying it mentally all along, the intimacy is something you can't replace with anything else.

  23. This stuff is why you come across so big brothery Sir Spraddington.
    "Bad sexual chemistry doesn’t always have to be a deal breaker."
    This I agree with this because honestly, when things first started between my hubby and I, the sex was not good but I was so overwhelmed by the emotion of the experience that I let it ride. Now after some years and the "new relationship" chemicals had long worn off, I realized that I wanted more and voila, we figured it out.
    I do think you're making it sound really serious though, and that is what puts a lot of pressure on the experience. It was when I learned to relax about it that I started really having a good time.

  24. Even though all the writers on here are great, I think Mr Spradley just officially my favorite one. Great write-up!!!

    I'll refrain from saying anything uber religious about the whole chex before marriage thing, but I will say this: You(I have on occasion) may scoff at the thought/principle or call it outdated, but God's precepts are always for our own good. A lot of people forget that chex is meant to be to relationships as a maraschino cherry is to a milkshake – a garnish. If someone handed you a cup filled with dirty water, but they put whipped cream and a cherry on top of it, will you drink it? I remember a popular chex therapist once said that the secret to having good chex is to have lots of it; to me, this means that – barring cases where physical incompatibility restraints are involved – you can have/create that good good with anyone. I say all of this to say that we'll see longer lasting relationships if people focused more on the quality of the milkshake(the foundational stuff) before worrying about what the cherry would taste like. Worst case scenario: if the cherry doesn't taste as great as you'd like it to, simply take it back to the basics and wait for it to absorb enough syrup till its sweetness is to your taste.
    My recent post Race – an illegitimate concept.

  25. Anyone ever pushed a relationship well beyond its breaking point because of some great boot knocking? Of course, in my younger and/or lazier days.

    Anyone ever ended a relationship that was otherwise great because of bad sex? See above.

    And have any of you ever overlooked some glaring deal breakers because of great sexual chemistry? See above. lol

    Anyway, I'd like to add that although I agree with Malik's marriage comment from above, I think the cause/effect relation Mr Spradley (Most) and a lot of men who advocate waiting for women/men to wait for marriage to have sex is confused under the context of so-called "present" day reality. So, speaking for self, not Most – although I think he would agree – the reason I advise or can understand if women/men, but especially women wait until marriage to have sex is because of the TYPE of men you will rule out as a result of making them wait. (…con't)
    My recent post A Review: What These Bitches Do Wrong

    1. (…cont) Statastically, I think the type of men that are willing to wait around and get to know you as a person instead of getting to know you as a [insert other P word here] are more likely to be able to sustain a relationship because he will likely have many other winning qualities one should desire in a mate, beyond simply the physical – both appearance and in the bedroom.

      What I seriously do not understand about men/women who are opposed to this line of thinking is you are basically saying waiting to have sex – an act which is suppose to be one of the most important within a relationship – is insignificant. Perhaps this simply embodies the cynism of our generation(s). Who knows. But that's sad. (…cont).
      My recent post A Review: What These Bitches Do Wrong

    2. (…cont) Lastly, I do not understand women who say some variation of "If I wait for sex, men will not date me…" Frankly, this is stupid a short-sighted way of thinking. Yes, by the very nature of its application, some men will not date you. However, do you want men to dictate how you choose to have sex? That is dumb thinking needs to be re-evaluated. The more important question should be what type of men will leave you simply because you will not have sex with them as quickly as they like? Is that really the type of man you want to establish a relationship with?

      Anyway, you do you. I'm just saying if one strategy has failed you time and time again, then perhaps another strategy is needed. Then again, "women are meant to be loved, not understood." – Oscar Wilde

      And yes, I just dropped 3 comments in a row – but you read to here so what does that say about you, bro.

      My recent post A Review: What These Bitches Do Wrong

      1. The 'if I wait…' is an excuse women use to blame (to use the most apt word) men for conning them into having sex. They want to have sex, but they're afraid of the perception/notoriety women who say they want sex get so that's how they frame it. If women didn't do things because some men wouldn't date them, they would all be lesbians. If you wanna fukc then fukc, don't act like I got you emotionally drunk and took advantage of you though.

        1. I pretty much agree, Malik. The "blame" card is definitely played for more often than the "self-reflection" card in these male/female relationship streets.

          "If you wanna fukc then fukc, don't act like I got you emotionally drunk and took advantage of you though." — Testify.
          My recent post Bloggers Burden

      2. LMAO at your last line.

        I don't disagree with you, but let me say-I do think that you (i.e. everyone) would be shocked by the number of "good" men, not just players, that will tuck tail and run when "not until marriage" is brought up. Not that that should make women change their minds and give it up, but man…we're not even getting to start the race…it's frustrating.

        1. I'm not shocked. In fact, I'm one of those men. e.g. if a woman told me she wanted to wait until marriage, I'd respect her decision/choice but I'm (likely) not going to abide by it. But that's my point, who cares?

          If you post a job application looking for people with PhDs, who cares if all the candidates with MBAs dont apply? Like I said, you have to determine what you want – including the risks of wanting it – and then act accordingly. In this case, your "qualification" runs the risk of reducing your pool of applicants. That's not a bad thing but it is a reality. I guess at the end of the day I dont understand complaining about things, which in this instance, you have control over.
          My recent post Maybe I Should Have Called Her

        2. How do you define PHd? A guy who will wait months or years to have sex? Because you cannot apply any other characteristics to make him more worthy than another man. And why should women want a man who either has incredible almost inhuman control, no libido, prefers his hand, is in the closet or is cheating? The incredible self control part is not that attractive when you think about how that’s gonna come out with other things…

      3. I think you’re being much too simplistic about the issue. There are many, many good men who can have casual sex and be interested in the person they are sexing. At the same time. And men who don’t divide women into two categories are not going to want to wife a woman who thinks sex is such a big deal, that it should wait.

        There is more thanu one type of man. I’ve seen that firsthand, so excuse me if I call bs on the crusty old tale. Keep your legs shut or you’ll never get a good man. It’s a myth.

  26. As much as I talk about sex and as perverse as I am, I don't put the emphasis on s*x that 1 might expect when it comes to dating and relationships. Women are typically more focused on s*x than I am. There have been a few occasions where I've screened chicks out because all they talked about was past s*x, current s*xual needs, and what they expect from s*x in the future. Warm gush is good but I demand and expect more than that from someone I'm gonna commit to. And chemistry can be developed. Think about professional sports, a new team at work, whatever. Sometimes it just takes time to get on the same page and create that synergy we should be striving for. The underlying issue is that people don't have the patience nowadays to work through issues. They quit and keep it moving…thus divorce rates and other unpleasantness.
    My recent post Eff Em Friday

  27. I have to nosign that sexual chemistry aint important. If I dont have it with a woman, even if I try over a course of time, it will be an issue/deal breaker for me. Sex is important in relationships. Its not the end all be all but I do put worth in it. Not sayin you cant teach an old dog new tricks, but if the dog has a deficiency with learning, you call the kennel and trade in for a new model!
    My recent post Video – CNN music dedication gone wrong

  28. "don’t allow yourself be fooled into thinking someone is perfect for you because the sex is perfect, and don’t give up on a relationship just because it’s not. Instead, chill out. Enjoy courting and dating for a while. Take your time, get to know the person, and when it’s right, let sex truly be the way you and the person your with tell each other you love each other."

    There'll be no over-sharing from this gal, but this is very sound advice. And I do want to wait until marriage before finding out what my husband's between-the-sheets game is like.

  29. Very insightful and authentic post. I've found this to be very true in my life. I've put up with lying and cheating. all kinds of madness all for some good D. LOL. And men KNOW this. They're awareness of this fact allows them to get over on some very smart women because the physical will override anything mental. I've seen it time and time and time again. So women should NOT underestimate the power of amazing sex. My ex was a master at this. We ended every argument with a session. And I'd forget why I was mad in the first place. At least temporarily. But when I got mad again we'd just have sex again. And it went on like this for like 2 years. It was an unfortunate experience but at the same time its helped me differentiate between the real thing and the sex thing. Now I'm with a man who actually addresses issues with me. I bring up a problem and he actually TRIES to fix it. So as long as you don't marry him for his D game, then you'll be fine. But the easiest way to know that you're not doing that is putting off the physical for as long as possible.

    These are the types of post that keep me coming back to the site. Good job!!

  30. The case of great sex is essentially a problem if there is no other substance to the relationship then what????? I had a bangin relationship-no pun intended-with a guy and then sitting there looking at each other like stupid fools.

  31. I can agree my high school boo and i wanted to wait til marriage because at the time we knew thats where we were headed. I went off to school, we broke up but continued to stay great friends and technically dated when i was in town, he stil sent me flowers on V-day my favorite holiday, his ex-chicks knew that I was someone they needed to get used to. After 7 years we finally had sex for the first time and I knew that I could not marry someone that could not satisfy me in anyway at all. we tried again and i knew it was a wrap. technically there were other factors that lead to my decision about not wanting to allow him to be my husband and i think he was still hesitant about me. he got married in June and I did attend the wedding because i love him and always will. My Point is: i never expected to be unsatisfied sexually with him and it helped me come to a decision. who would've have thought we would have no chemistry sexually.

  32. I appreciate your appreciation for lack of a better word for the ideal God intended way of sex. I think you just opened some youngster’s mind about what sex really could be and I definitely felt affected by that. I can’t say that I have had mind blowing sex with a stranger or bad deal breaker sex with the love of my life because for me good explosive sex I can only have with someone I love. I have the best sex when I can let go and go to another place where there are no thoughts and only intelligible languages. I can only find that place if I am with someone I love and who I know loves me.

  33. I do agree that Just because the sex might be "Fire" Doesn't mean they need to be cuffed. your probably good in the sheets but have nothing in common outside of sex. But I disagree you should have some kind of physical attraction or sexual connection ESPECIALLY FOR MEN, because men are not too much of mental beings; conversing only go so far until they start wondering why are our clothes still on? Or they start thinking okay she can hold a good convo, she seems kinda smart, and she kind easy on the eyes…. NOW LETS See what that booty do? It's never failed.

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