Home Featured [Single Black Mail] Girlfriend Benefits Without The Girlfriend Title

[Single Black Mail] Girlfriend Benefits Without The Girlfriend Title

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I'm not really looking for a "serious" relationship.

The award winning Single Black Mail series returns. This week’s email:

I recently ended a relationship with a pretty decent guy. In the months we dated, he has never flaked on a date; never late; introduced me to his core family and I attended most family functions. He was affectionate and always told me how much he liked me and enjoyed being around me, I made him relax etc..we did hiking, had great conversations we are both current event and news junkies. Yet he still wanted us to have the option to date others, yet based on the time we gave to each other that didn’t seem the case. After a few months and still no commitment, I wanted to bounce. I eventually did, 3 weeks ago. I realized Ii was frustrated and felt like he was just going to string me along, he said that was not the case. He still wanted us to be friends because he loved our friendship..I told him that was a great part of our relationship but that cannot survive without the relationship. He said he understands if I don’t want to talk anymore, but he still wanted to. I told him to back up and don’t flip the script, don’t make this about what I don’t want to do. I said you did not hurt me, you should think that you disappointed me..yeah I know ouch.!! Now..today he says:

1. He no longer has romantic feelings for me. Just friends.
2. His feelings changed right when we broke up.
3. He deals with this by not thinking about it.
4. He realizes he has to focus on get moving on what he wants to do. Start to have a plan, he had none.
5. He suggested we don’t talk on the phone for a while..I co-signed and made it clear this is his decision and this is what he wants.



Why are guys like that..what does it take to have a woman connect on a man on a heart level and not just in the head (no pun intended). Last is it true that specific events don’t mean the same to men as it does to women..Its a combination of different things, events, and how he feels when he is not around her?

Wisdom Is Misery:

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You did the right thing. He didn’t want what you wanted so you left him alone and that’s a good move. Given that this was a few weeks ago, however, I hope you stuck to your guns because this could easily become one of those cyclical relationships that never progresses anywhere. As a general observation, I’d like to note that there is nothing wrong with women having (reasonable) standards/rules/requirements for men. You do have to realize that the point of having them is to weed out “applicants,” therefore, by their very nature, not everyone should qualify. However, simply because one man does not qualify does not mean you have to adjust your standards – maybe he just wasn’t a worthy applicant.

A few noteworthy red flags:

He still wanted us to have the option to date others, yet based on the time we gave to each other that didn’t seem the case.” Depending on the nature of his other relationships, a man can spend 23 hours with you every day of the week and still use that free hour to squeeze in another woman. Let’s assume there were no other women. In my opinion, if you want a serious relationship and a man tells you he does not, you should end the relationship right there. Using this disclaimer, he is free to have all the relationship benefits while placating you with the fact that you are not committed, therefore, he is still free to explore other options.

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Flipping the script. If men are good at anything, it’s making ourselves seem like we’re not the culprit. By making it seem like you’re the one walking away from the relationship it does a couple things for us: 1) It removes the guilty we may or may not feel for ending the relationship prematurely – this allows us to move on quicker. 2) It messes with your head. If he knows you want a relationship and he doesn’t, then he can use this as the proverbial carrot on the end of the stick to keep you around because there might be a relationship dangling on the end. In actuality, there is usually nothing but more stick.

As far as his change of heart goes, he either did have all those sudden changes, which I doubt, or he wanted to fool himself into thinking he was the one controlling the direction of the relationship. Men like control.

Why are guys like that..what does it take to have a woman connect on a man on a heart level and not just in the head (no pun intended). Last is it true that specific events don’t mean the same to men as it does to women..Its a combination of different things, events, and how he feels when he is not around her?

There’s no real way for me to answer the first question. If a man likes you, he likes you, if he doesn’t, he doesn’t. There isn’t really a magical formula. However, if his actions don’t match his words then I think you should move on until the two align. It’s really a matter of how long are you going to wait for him to figure things out if you already know what you want? If I was you, not long.

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I don’t know if it’s true that specific events don’t mean the same to men. I do know that the passage of time is not the same for men and women. A man can spend time with a woman and his feelings for her are not guaranteed to grow. In other words, if a man has decided he’s not going to “fall for you,” it doesn’t matter if you spend 10 minutes together or 10 years together. He has to be open to the idea of falling and no amount of time or events will change that if he is against it.

——————–

What are your thoughts SBM family? How would you have responded? Fellas, what do you think was going through this man’s head?

Have your own questions for the SingleBlackMale? Contact us!

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Comment(160)

  1. I think she made the right decision. I can't demonize the guy though. Maybe he was just curious about having an open relationship. It's ran through most of our minds at one point or another. I'd rather nor make assessments on his character however.

    1. Malik,
      Sounds like homeboy wasn't romantically mature yet. Men are not ready for serious relationships until we reach our mid to upper 30's. She made the right decision… She was ready and he wasn't… I suspect that he will regret losing this woman years later… I have a $100 to say that he will want her back once he got the running out of his system… any takers?

  2. she made the right choice. ive spent years being the gf without the title. its very hard to walk away even if i know its the smart thing to do

  3. Yes, I can understand a woman having standards and not talking to a guy that doesn't want the same things that you want such as a relationship.

    However, if you were single, carefree and fun " why all of a sudden do you want commitment or a relationship when I (assuming I am a good man) come along? What changed? Why must I be pressured into having a committed relationship with you, just to enjoy your time. If we are both single than we both have the right to experience other people and make sure we are making the right decision to be with one another.

    I just don't like the fact that a woman has no problem being single, but all of a sudden once she gets a good guy it's tremendous pressure to categorize the relationship. I can understand if ou all decide to have unprotected sex and want to be each other steady sexual parter, but other than "SLOW YA MAMA!"(considering that he isn't stringing you along for a year or more… even though a year is still not long enough to get to know a person)
    My recent post The XXX-BOX Diaries II: A Cram Session

      1. @TheHallway:

        You raise a lot of good points. Although, I think the first and second paragraphs slightly contradict one another. Dating, after a while, is meant to meet someone you would want to do more than date, unless you're one of those people who wants to date forever, which is the exception to the rule. So, even if she is "care free and free" and her feeligns change, at least in this case she was upfront about the change. Whereas most times women tend to just go along with the flow – like men – then they get mad when it doesnt flow in the direction they desire, which is usually no direction at all.

        Basically, if you're not on the same page – regardless of if who turns the page first – and you all arent moving in that direction I think sometimes you have to cut your losses. This example being one of those times.
        My recent post Bloggers Burden

        1. Hi There. I was the one who wrote two years ago this post, girlfriend benefits without the title. It has been almost two years and a lot has changed for me and approach to dating. The first few months was heart breaking, as we did have a relationship. I used that time to work on myself, what I wanted and where I was and learned how to date and enjoy it. I learned a lot about men and how they viewed commitment and yes men are looking for the one. During that time my ex made some major strides in his life as well, the breakup was good for the both of us.

        2. We saw each other Dec. 2012 for the first time but kept in contact with periodical phone calls and text before that. I was very guarded and a bit hurt, but he was so happy to see me we did movie and coffee and after he walked me home, he took the time to send me a long text before he got in his car to drive home.

        3. Today – the attraction is still there and the friendship. We see each other more frequently and once or twice a week we have our marathon 3hour phone conversations, something that we still do after years of knowing each other. He knows I am ready to get married and I am not going to get exclusive or benefits unless the guy is on the same page with me. This does not mean him, he understands and respect that, but I will say the excitement is in the chase. I have learned a couple things from this experience. the best gift a woman can give a man, is the gift of missing her that is how they fall in love. they respect boundaries and that woman who sets he boundaries is elevated in his eyes. I am not saying we are in love, but I do know he loves how he feels about himself in my presence, his words and makes time to talk to me each day and check in with me. And our friendship is the real deal and that is what drives our attraction for each other. So in closing, the time only gave me the courage to accept nothing less than what I want and I am a better woman and unless a man says hey lets lock this down..I want to us to go the distance, I am single and enjoying single life.

    1. lol @ a year not being long enough to get to know a person. We're not even talking engagement, and someone could supposedly need a year to determine whether or not the person they've been seeing is worth being in a relationship with? Tough world.

      By the way, if I'm single, carefree, and fun, it's usually because there is no one with whom I have a budding relationship. Once you start dating and developing feelings for someone, you're still technically single and fun, but you start to care about engaging in something more serious. That's what changed. And if that desire for something more is not mutual, an ever-so-slight wrinkle will develop on your forehead.

      1. People are ever-changing. A person can change so much within a year. My mother and father were pretty much high school sweet hearts and we're married for 17 years, then divorced and she said even that time before they got married wasn't long enough to truly know a person and know what they are capable of.
        My recent post The XXX-BOX Diaries II: A Cram Session

        1. And my father and mother got engaged within seven days, may not 100% know what the other is capable of, but are still together and in love over two decades later. If we're going to use your line of reasoning, there's no point in getting in relationships at all. You can live with someone your entire life and still be surprised by something or the other that they do eventually. The dating process is supposed to be a means of gauging a person's character, and you'll usually have enough information to determine whether or not you would make a decent-to-good match within a few months, if not weeks. People grow and change within relationships, but it's not always for the worse.

          At the end of the day, I guess all that matters is being on the same page.

        2. I never said there wasn't a point to get in a relationship. But there is no need to rush into one and I don't entertain the I want to be in a relationship just because I believe you could be a good partner. When we could spend plenty of time feeling each other out and not rushing.

          Im sorry but most women rush into relationships and give up most of themselves too easily. Don't send me flurries of relationship hints and wants for me to cuff. When there was no rush when there were no candidates, enjoy my time.

          The relationships that last the longest are the one's that men didn't have to make conscience decisions to be in. It just happened, for one reason or another the MAN just fell or rose into love with you.

          Giving a man an ultimatum will usual have yo a$$ looking at love jones eating Haagen Dazs or being consoled by four other lonely chicks. Give a man space to do what he wants and if you're the one he will usually make that decision on his on.

          The phrase for today should be #3FTNOPRESSURE
          My recent post The XXX-BOX Diaries II: A Cram Session

        3. I've never actually given a man an ultimatum, and neither did this woman. Things weren't to her liking, and so she made the executive decision to do what's best for her. If I explain to you the reasons why I'm leaving, rather than demanding that you do x,y,z, it's not an ultimatum.

          You're right in that a lot of women rush into relationships, but at the same time, even quite a few men here have agreed that you're playing yourself if you're hanging around beyond six months and still don't have a defined (i.e. bf/gf) relationship. Oh, and people tend to fall in love within relationships, as opposed to basing their decision to enter one on love. I would not freely allow myself to fall in love with someone who's dating around until he finally decides that this is it.

          I certainly hope that while I'm "enjoying your time", you're not expecting me to be playing relationship or "house" on the low.

        4. Agree 100% esp…
          "around beyond six months and still don't have a defined (i.e. bf/gf) relationship. Oh, and people tend to fall in love within relationships, as opposed to basing their decision to enter one on love. I would not freely allow myself to fall in love with someone who's dating around until he finally decides that this is it. "

        5. @The Hallyway @NaijaSweetz

          L-O-L

          Whether yall realize it or not, this thread, specifically these two responses here, basically summarizes the difference in how men/women view relationships/dating. Hallway is advocating for letting him do his thing until he figures it out, while Naija is saying, it's fine if you cant figure it out, just dont expect me to wait.

          For the record, neither one of you is wrong here. You simply want the situation that is most beneficial to yourselves.
          My recent post Maybe I Should Have Called Her

        6. "For the record, neither one of you is wrong here. You simply want the situation that is most beneficial to yourselves. "

          Co-sign. Was thinking the exact same thing.

    2. Perhaps i’m biased because i been in this situation far too many times. but I’m inclined to agree with Hallway here. I think the reason most relationships fail is situations like this whereas one just doesnt know HOW to be single. They’re having a good time and suddenly she feels the need to define it and implodes the whole thing. Too many relationships are based on not how you feel about the other person but rather making sure no one else is taking your spot.

      1. "Too many relationships are based on not how you feel about the other person but rather making sure no one else is taking your spot. "

        Hmmm….interesting perspective here. *cautiously nodding head in agreement* lol.

        1. I don't know why I'm just seeing this thread today…but I'd be interested in reading a blog post dedicated to this theory.

          This line is def a valid point…

        1. “Too many relationships are based on not how you feel about the other person but rather making sure no one else is taking your spot.”

          So True

  4. First up, good on you for leaving. No good was going to come of the "relationship" as it stood.

    Why are guys like that..what does it take to have a woman connect on a man on a heart level and not just in the head (no pun intended). Last is it true that specific events don’t mean the same to men as it does to women..Its a combination of different things, events, and how he feels when he is not around her?

    There's no one-size-fits-all answer; the issues may appear the same from man to man, but actual interactions and reactions vary from one to the other. There'll be some events that are meaningful to you both, and others that are only to you simply because you are yearning for signs that a breakthrough has been accomplished.

    I call BS on 90% of what he's said. Feelings rarely change instantaneously, unless some egregious act was committed. It's very easy to say that you realize that you need to start a plan…it's quite another to actually formulate one and act on it. "Let's not talk on the phone"? Texting/fb messaging/etc isn't harmful, though, right? I bet you any money he'll be hitting you up "innocently" asking what's up anytime now. Oh, and I'm happy for him regarding his magical powers to turn thoughts off at will. He may stop eventually, but if you two spent that much time together and he enjoyed your relationship (at some point I'm going to need people to realize that these things are Sans title, but relationships nonetheless) as much as he claimed to, he will not be successful at it initially.

    The friendship thing is very tricky, because you'll likely find yourself toeing across the wrong end of the line more than a few times, and I don't necessarily mean that in the physical sense. At first, anyway. Do take that time off, and only agree to it if you can disengage yourself sufficiently as to maintain a barrier. It will be very necessary. Take it from someone who's still trying to be friends with someone else whose feelings are constantly getting in the way, years later.

  5. If I've learned anything from the gentlemen here at SBM, it's that listen to what he SAYS about whatever it is you guys got going on. If he says he doesn't want a relationship and you do, walk. And it helps to ask this question very early on so you don't feel like you got the short end of the stick. I'm happy for the lady that she's moved on because clearly what he's offering is not what she wants. That doesn't make him a bad person. The only thing he's guilty of is being consistent. Even though it appears to have been a hard decision, I'm proud of her for making it.

  6. This scenario will be familiar to most women, lol…smh.

    What we tend to do is give too much at the beginning…usually focus and attention. We don’t make men work for us. We don’t make them work for girlfriend perks. My belief is that men don’t fully appreciate women that they don’t have to work to get. I agree with WIM…you did the right thing by bouncing. But, I think you also did the wrong thing by playing the role of “girlfriend” without the title.

    Sometimes, once you’ve bounced, dude has a second to miss you…he calls you…wants a commitment. Doesn’t seem like thats the case here. Congrats…you’ve weeded out an impostor…he seemed like the right guy for you. But, he really wasn’t.

    1. "What we tend to do is give too much at the beginning…usually focus and attention. We don't make men work for us. We don't make them work for girlfriend perks. My belief is that men don't fully appreciate women that they don't have to work to get."

      Women can solve 70% of their relationship problems by heeding this advice.

      1. 100 % agree, but one question , other than sex and spending a majority of your time with a man what are other gf benefits.? Im just asking b/c I know some women are very giving and caring so sometimes they dont even realizewhen thier doing to much for a man thy like alot.

        1. Add emotional investment to $ex and time, and that's most of the difference.

          Of course, there are intangibles; for example you may cook for a guy you're interested in, but friends do that occasionally as well. It depends on the person.

          The best way to find what is your personal friend/boyfriend threshold is by considering are you doing something for the potential boyfriend that you wouldn't do for a legitimate male friend. Don't think abstractly either. Think of a legitimate male friend that you have, and ask if you are doing something or sharing something with the potential boyfriend that you wouldn't do for your male friend. If you are and you aren't sure of your commitment level, you may want to dial back.

        2. "Think of a legitimate male friend that you have, and ask if you are doing something or sharing something with the potential boyfriend that you wouldn't do for your male friend. If you are and you aren't sure of your commitment level, you may want to dial back."

          GREAT ADVICE!!!!!

        3. I'm not meeting your family or going with you to family events. We aren't taking serious trips. If my girls call, they get first dibs on my time. Don't assume I'm coming over…you'll need to ask. Don't assume you're coming over here…you better get on the schedule. No gifts…especially expensive ones. I'm not cleaning your house. I'm not cooking you dinner all the time. I'm not obligated to answer when you call and I'm busy.

          Pretty much, treat him like you can live without him…like he's just an option…like he doesn't have you in the bag.

        4. Wait a minute.

          Some of these I would categorize as Fiancee/LIGF/Wife benefits NOT GF benefits. I could be wrong, but that's too much in my opinion

          *JustAThought

        5. …and best believe non-gfs are giving this stuff anyway, lol.

          Personally, as a gf, I don't mind family events (excluding my children…unless we're heading towards marriage)…or romantic trips. My Man gets first dibs on my time (minus church and family…my homegirls can wait, lol). My Man knows our chill schedule…so he can assume that its the same unless I notify him of a change. I'm giving and getting good gifts (I was taken on a trip for my bday… 🙂 ). I'm NOT cleaning your whole house as a gf…but I'll jump in and help you if I see you in cleaning mode (usually limited to dishes and countertops…then I'm sitting down, lol)…help you get it done faster so we can chilax. I HATE cooking, lol. But, as a gf, I make it a point to do it sometimes (not all the time) to solidify his belief that I am a potential wife. As a gf, I answer when my man calls cause he does it for me…unless I really can't (then we send a "can't pick up…you good?" text to make sure it isn't an emergency).

          Anything unreasonable there???

        6. "I HATE cooking, lol. But, as a gf, I make it a point to do it sometimes (not all the time) to solidify his belief that I am a potential wife"

          I hear that!! Why am I snickering at this^^^ though 🙂

          Okay, I see you……. Get it "AGAIN" (the ring) Girl!!!!. *wink*

          In your case, nope I sees nuffin unreasonable here.

        7. Well to me a relationship progresses overtime IMO. Gives you something to look forward to and to build on as your emotional connection grows. That is why so many relationships crash and burn. So even as a girlfriend what I/we do at say the 5 month mark is very different them what we /I may do at the 18 month mark. Some women as soon as they get the GF crown give everything they have. I am not saying hold back but even with when you are on the "r" ship you still need to see how things develop.

        8. I will leave my comment right here…

          Agreed… And add to the fact that this woman needs to stop dealing with men who are out of her league

    2. @cynicaloptimist81: "Sometimes, once you've bounced, dude has a second to miss you…he calls you…wants a commitment.

      Yeah, I didnt really have a chance to go into that because this blog was already pretty lengthy. Another reason I continously advocate for women to simply leave situations that arent going to their liking is to see if the man even bothers to come after them. You can learn a lot about a man by simply leaving him alone. If he doesnt come after you, that speaks volumes.

      As an aside, even if he DOES come after you, you should still hold him to the original "terms and conditions" that ended the relationship in the first place. e.g. if you want a relationship and he doesnt but you've been giving him the cookie, he may come looking simply to see if the cookie is still available without him having to commit to the franchise agreement. Dont give up that cookie for free.

      Alls I'm sayin…
      My recent post A Review: What These Bitches Do Wrong

      1. "Dont give up that cookie for free."

        Yeah, at this point, only accept the committment contract…no negotiating. No contract, no cookie. LOL…

        1. Don’t give him friendship, either. A lot of guys want to have that “friendship” option. He can say hes friends with all the women he’s been with, which is supposed to mean he’s a good guy. And he can still smang and string you along because you’ll be hoping for a relationship. And he can repeat that you are just friends. After the smangage, of course.

      2. "You can learn a lot about a man by simply leaving him alone. If he doesnt come after you, that speaks volumes"

        AMENnnnnnn!!! Hurt like hell too but i couldn't deny the obvious…

  7. My friend had this same situation…Once she broke it off w/her ex I told her to categorize any other dude w/ the same "red flags"..all these types of guys are just "d!cks in a glass" <=ChrisRock.
    Seriously, look at them as FWB and nothing more. Most of them aren't mature enough for a relationship.
    I learned from past situations that "some" men just want to play house…if you don't wanna play just let them go.

  8. She made a good decision based on the story, I do think it is possible for a man's attitude towards a woman to change within a short time. Basically some men can simply shut you off when you hurt them and force themselves to move on, this doesnt mean there isnt a little feeling inside. He just chose to dead it and thats what society wants men to do.

    Dont take it too hard though, finding a soulmate is trial and error for some.

  9. three sides to every story. i'll leave it at that.

    either way based on the information given she did the right thing for her. she bounced. until two people are married they are technically single. they are allowed to be selfish. she didn't like the dynamic that the "relationship" had taken then she had the right to peace out.
    My recent post Cole World/Charity Starts at Home

  10. This young lady made both the right and wrong decision.

    Right because they were not on the same page as far as the relationship goes.

    Wrong because she had the commitment she claims to have wanted. What she didn’t have was what she really wanted, a title. Sadly a good number of people don’t get that title and commitment are mutually exclusive.

    1. "Wrong because she had the commitment she claims to have wanted."

      Hold up… >>>>"Yet he still wanted us to have the option to date others, yet based on the time we gave to each other that didn’t seem the case."<<<<Where's the commitment in that???? Now, maybe I misinterpreted something…but it sounds like he didn't want a commitment…which is fine.

      Did I miss the part where he said he was okay with dating exclusively…no title…but not actively seeing/pursuing other people??? That's a commitment w/o a title…like lay-away, lol…

      1. The commitment comes from the fact that despite saying that they still were only seeing each other. His actions signal commitment while his words signal him being cautious or selfish.

        1. Nothing about this email indicates he was only seeing her. It shows that she was only seeing him.

          I agree that his actions were confusing. But, in my old age, I'm learning that while actions do speak louder than words, words and deeds should match. Any mismatch should be discussed…get to the bottom of it so they can match sooner than later. But, no one can be expected to be comfortable or okay with the mismatch long term…

        2. "His actions signal commitment while his words signal him being cautious or selfish."

          Um, so….did any of the other SBM dudes catch this? Because I know all hell would've broken loose if a woman was the one behind this comment.

          @ Animate, we've been thoroughly warned to keep our eyes partially blind to men's actions and to heed your words instead.

  11. I think she made the wrong decision. I think she should have put her emotions aside and made the friendship work. It's always a good idea to keep good people in your life.

    "Why are guys like that..what does it take to have a woman connect on a man on a heart level and not just in the head (no pun intended). Last is it true that specific events don’t mean the same to men as it does to women..Its a combination of different things, events, and how he feels when he is not around her?"

    To answer these questions:

    1. Guys are like this because we are. Instead of focusing on the why, aquatint yourself with our nature, learn to appreciate how we're different from you and that will all go a long way toward having more successful relationships.

    2. I think the number one thing it takes for a man and woman to connect "on a heart level" as you put it, is time. Time is everything. Speaking for me personally, I takes years for me to really understand whether someone is going to be a seasonal friend – someone that comes and goes – or a long term friend – someone who will know me through the varying ages of my life. Men do a much better job of guarding our hearts than women. Don't give your heart away so quick. You should have appreciated him for wanting to take it slow and just followed his lead.

    3. Perspective informs how two people handle the same event, so yes, if you two are coming from two different perspectives, it's completely possible to view the same event completely differently. That's what happened here.

    I think you should have removed all the "girlfriend benefits" but still been this dude's friend. As it stands now, you just wrote a good guy completely out of your life because you couldn't get from him everything you wanted.

    My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

    1. Most, you asking a woman to put her emotions aside..is like asking a man to ask somebody for directions…it's not gonna happen…everything you said sounds good in theory..but, if you really understand women…you know it is really difficult for us to be "friends" with a guy we care about and want a relationship with….it is usually better for US to caught our losses and keep it moving……

        1. You know what's interesting, the only people I know that are terrible with directions are women. Not sayin all women are bad with directions…just saying of the people I know that are not good with them they just happen to be female, lol. In my generation the advent of Mapquest and Navigation devices makes stopping for directions nearly obsolete. However, I have had no problem stopping in a gas station or two in my day to be sure I was going the right way, lol.

      1. Ionknow… I think you can put them aside if he's really a good dude. Friendships are hard to come by, too… and maybe more important than relationships which tend to come and go more often…

        Good people are good people, period… and I like to be surrounded by good people… so I'd have done what Most said.

        My recent post I Didn’t Kiss A Man

        1. Nothing in this letter really stood out to me..that made me think, this is a really good dude and someone she needs to keep around…

        2. She actually painted a very positive picture of him. It was when we got to the crux of the current issue that he may have come across in a different light, but she merely communicated the things that he said. The rest of us have likely coloured the mental image with our own personal experiences.

    2. "I think you should have removed all the "girlfriend benefits" but still been this dude's friend. As it stands now, you just wrote a good guy completely out of your life because you couldn't get from him everything you wanted."

      This right here is _exactly_ what I'm thinking.
      My recent post I Didn’t Kiss A Man

    3. Yea Most, I'm gonna have to agree with Queen and disagree with you on this one. Not every man is meant to be a woman's friend, especially if there is history there. It's always great to have good people in your life but not every good person needs to be there. Being friends, especially knowing that she wants a relationship, would be semi-torturous. Not to say that the friendship can't ever happen; it just takes time. She did the right thing but taking a step back and telling him that phone calls and physical meetings needed to stop for a little while so she could get her head right and put herself in a mental state where she could handle ONLY being friends. The same way he wasn't ready for a relationship, she's not ready for friendship.
      My recent post pseudonym6:

      That sh*t Cray

      Lmaoooooooo

    4. I get down with your #2. From my experiences, time is everything.

      And I agree w/ Queen T…staying a guy's friend once you have no interest in simply being his friend is VERY hard to do…its dag near impossible to do…its torture. Not to mention, the friendship, as they knew it, would NOT be the same. I remember when me and my bf went through a period of that. We only hung out in public places and stopped talking every day…eliminating chunks of our lives from our conversations. It felt like a demotion…like we were just at the surface level. It wasn't a bad friendship under those circumstances. But, it actually sucked for us cause we knew different and better. Its not the same…its not easy.

        1. Explaining the friend zone and defending the friend zone are two different things, lol. I wasn't defending it at all. I'm bout to hop over to that post to reply now.

          …trying to call me out, Hugh, LOL.

        2. Just wanted clarification, that's all. It sounded like a defense, so I wanted to make sure I understood your perspective.

          (actually, I did kinda call you out, LOL!)

        3. "Dont worry Hugh, Im dropping the Manhattan Project on the Friend Zone soon."

          Only six days to next Wednesday. I'll be X-ing out the days in anticipation on a calendar, like a kid counting down to Christmas or his birthday.

        1. The example I gave occurred before he became my bf. Prior to becoming official, we were kicking it (on an exclusive dating contract) with limited girlfriend perks for a few months…then I bounced (officially…cause I'd fallen back twice before)…then we became official.

    5. @Most
      What’s wrong with writing him off? She didn’t say he was a bad guy, just not the guy she was looking for, and why would she put him or herself in the friend zone, Remember how horrible that place can be lol

      To be honest women don’t have years to wait around on a man to make up his mind about her, many of the writers on SBM have said if a man wants you he wants you. He might have had feelings for her but he wasn’t dead set on them enough to stop dating other people. Plus even if she made him a friend he would want to be her "friend" under his terms, meaning still receiving part time gf benefits when his others joints are'nt acting right.

      In these situations men always win. He has a back up that he knows can play the gf role even if that’s not the title he will give her and if he finds something better he can bounce into the next situation comfortably. So yea she def won this round by leaving.
      Plus I’m sure a lot of fellas have written off plenty of good woman because he didn’t fit his needs in the time frame he wanted.

      1. I agree 100%

        Men write off plenty of 'good' women all the time because she wasnt for him. I actually think there was a post about one of the men on here saying a woman he was seeing was 'good' but he didnt like her in that way.

        But on the other hand if it is a 'good' man and a woman writes him off she is in the wrong and everything else.

        Thats one things about men I admire. They dont listen to other people when they want to make a decision. If the woman wasnt the one she wasnt the one. point blank. But with women….Keep him in your life he was good….oh you'll miss out on a good person. As if you will never meet a good person again. lol

    6. @Most: I’m going to have to disagree with point #2 and the friendship qualifier.

      Specific to #2, I agree it takes time for a man to connect “on a heart level” but I also believe most men know what they want from a particular woman fairly early on. Clearly, if you don’t even want to commit to a woman – as in this case where he didn’t even want to be exclusive it appears – then why should she stick around while he figures out if he ever will? To me, this seems to only benefit the man. He can choose to be with her or he can choose to move on and either way, she’s waiting around for him to figure that out. That’s great for him, dumb for her. For example, if this situation was in the inverse, would you, I or any man on this site, advocate for a man to sit around dating on a woman to figure out if she wants a relationship with him? Beyond that, while she figures that out, she wants to have an open relationship where she can see other dudes? I can’t see it happening, bruh. We’d call that guy all kinds of simps and soft and tell him to move on with life but here we’re telling the woman to wait – indefinitely?

      That doesnt make sense, unless we are conceding it’s blatantly contradictory and a clear double standard?

      For the friendship qualifier, I think it’s difficult to go backwards to being “just friends” with someone you clearly like. Not only that, they know you like them. So, she’s stated to this guy she wants to be with him, he says no, and now she is suppose to be relegated to just friends? That’s like the men that get trapped in the dreaded Friend Zone. Sometimes we don’t have to be enemies but we cant be friends either, no Deborah Cox.

      1. In regards to #2, I agree with you as well about men knowing early on whether or not a chick is a potential keeper or not. But, even if he views you as a potential keeper, that doesn't mean that he'll be ready to commit at that moment. Sometimes, time…or what transpires during a span of time…will make a brotha want to/ready to commit. It happens… (the exception…not the rule)

        I think the killer here was the "girlfriend perks". I'm pretty sure more time woulda been fine had she not been giving so much of herself to this non-bf. Had their have been limited girlfriend perks, his unwillingness to be exclusive wouldn't have been that big of a deal…since she'd have the freedom to see other people as well. And, maybe over time, he would've decided that he was ready for commitment…and it still would've been possible cause their friendship was in tact.

        1. She doesn't say how many months. If its just two then having that commitment talk is too early for most men. If it's much more than that it is a different story.

        2. cynicaloptmst81, I'm still going to have to disagree. I've been a man all my life and I've been a lot of things during that time, a player, a cheater, faithful, good man, bad man, etc etc. But if there is one thing that has ALWAYS been consistent:

          If I wanted a woman, I didnt BS around. I committed. Now, whether I was faithful is another discussion BUT the point is, if I wanted a woman she didnt have to fight me for a commitment. She didnt have to have the "where is this going?" conversation and blah blah blah. I went after that woman like my life depended on it because I wanted her.

          I will say that I dont know the age of the people in this story, so that plays a role. At the end of the day, men/women simply need to figure out how LONG you're willing to wait. In this case, I felt like she reached her limit. Thus, it was time to move on regardless of what he was talking about because he wasnt talking about what she wanted to hear. This isnt an affront to him. I agree, he didnt do anything wrong.

        3. "At the end of the day, men/women simply need to figure out how LONG you're willing to wait. In this case, I felt like she reached her limit. Thus, it was time to move on regardless of what he was talking about because he wasnt talking about what she wanted to hear. This isnt an affront to him. I agree, he didnt do anything wrong." <<< I rocks with this.

          WIM, yes, you are the PRO at being WIM. But, you are NOT every man, lol. You were willing to commit and half-heartedly accept the responsibility of being committed. Some men will turn down a woman he wants if he KNOWS he's not ready or can't really commit for whatever reason. And lets not even get into the brothas with issues such as the ones we discussed yesterday…MAN! But, no, time is NO GUARANTEE that anyone's feelings will change…possible, yes.

      2. *applause*

        my thoughts exactly.

        every good friend doesn't have to be yours. and i'll be danged if i wait for a man to figure it out when life and experience has clearly shown me that men usually know when they want a woman, and what they want, and make it very known … way before there is a even question about it.
        My recent post concrete jungle where dreams are maaaade of….

      3. i guess im selfish but if you ever meant something to me, i want u in my life in some type of role. When you cut one off completely then you're left with "what ifs". How is going back to "friends" so difficult yet going back to "strangers" is not.

        1. Yeah you selfish, brother. lol It's all good though, most people are, few people realize it, less people admit it.

          Anyway, personally, I cant be friends with someone I'm in Love with. At least not immediately. I need some time off. I need a break, a time-out, if you will. It may be temporary or it may be permanent but I'm definitely going to need to cut you out of my life for a cool minute while I get my head back on straight. Furthermore, I have found, if I'm friends with an X-GF I still care for I cant honestly move onto other relationships for the very reason you sited, I'm stil in the "what if" role when I need to be in the "move on" mind frame if I want to meet someone else and give that relationship an honest start. (1/2)

        2. (2/2) That's just me – and I know I'm some type of selfish/passionate. I am, after all, a Scorpio. So if we date, I fall in Like/Love, and you dont? Then, on top of that, you move on and find happiness while I'm still sitting around wallowing in bitterness? Naaaaaah, I'm going to feel some type of way about that. And that way is likely going to be pissed the hell off. LOL

          Soooo, rather than even go through that, lets just part ways on amiable terms and see if our paths cross again down the road.

          Know thy self.

    7. I agree with this totally and basically said the same thing in my comment below. While I understand and don't blame her for moving on something is telling me she didn't give it time to grow. It seems her feelings are "I found a guy i really like and all I want is to hug squeeze and kiss only him forever". How well does she know him? Or does the fact she has strong feelings for him negate everything else?

  12. My advice to this young lady..is the same advice I would give to my son or daughter in the same circumstance…let this person go. Save yourself more hurt down the line..keep it moving…you will meet someone else who wants the same things you do.

  13. Dude was in a long relationship before meeting this shorty and she got tight about his point in life. I been there. When you in a relationship you learn how to treat a woman a certain way and when you get out you still be that way. The next woman might think she found the One but he just not trying to jump back in it yet. Might take him a few years too. Don’t make him a bad dude.

    Nobody’s perfect, but he might have been perfect for you.

    #Cole

  14. I don’t necessarily disagree or agree on what she did because I can’t tell what kind of” ship” was established. By the letter, it seems she waited to long to obtain clarity on the situation. I know the meaning of Date but, it just seemed like he was establishig a good friendship with her… and she perceived it as a relationship. I had “meetups” with my male friends in the past. They where just times to meet up, not dates. But, on the other side once she figured out that what he was offering wasn’t what she was willing to give, then a friendship was not gonna blossom. She already had an affinity for the affections of a Lover, not a friend. I don’t understand why women turn down good friendships / companionship just because they want a BF. Idk I guess Im still hung up on the” after three months and still no commitment” piece. To me there was no air of caution/warning. He gave you the commitment to Companionship “Period”. In the end Perception is really in the eye of the beholder.

  15. I dunno, i think dude was really emotionally tied to/holding out hope for someone else. Either his ex or someone else currently unavailable that makes his heart flutter, so he filled the spot with her without committing in case that other situation opens up. He still wanted to beat though.

  16. I think she made the right move but don't think cutting off contact completely is a good move either. I'm the type of person that feels that if it is meant to be it will be. Sometimes I think women will their way into relationships instead of letting things grow organically. She said they were together for a few months. How long is a few months? Is she expecting a commitment after 3 months of dating? Is she aware of everything that is going on in his life? On the surface I agree that she made the right decision on leaving him alone but at the same time I think she should have moved on but kept him close if he she really likes him. Why can't they be friends without doing the bf/gf stuff? If she runs into another guy she likes and wants to be in a relationship more than this guy then cut dude off. If he isn't ready he isn't ready. That's his loss.

    1. Exactly!
      Its hard but we (as ladies) gotta develop a thick skin when dealing w/ these types of guys. Friendship (i.e FWB) isn't bad, but just kno the situation your in.

      Also..for guys: Remember both genders are emotional beings. So understand that ladies just are a lil more cautious when the idea of friends comes after a break-up. Especially when the guy has the same red flags stated above by WIS…nobody wants to be played.

  17. First off, WIM, good advice here. I also agree with some of the sentiments expressesd above by Most and Humble.

    "Yet he still wanted us to have the option to date others, yet based on the time we gave to each other that didn’t seem the case."

    Call me crazy, but I assumed that having the option to go out on dates and/or spend time with others is an implicit notion up until having the "discussion" on exclusivity. Therefore, I don't see anything wrong with him wanting that. I believe his thought process revolving around this is the classic: 'He really likes you and likes where this is going and spends the majority, if not all, of his time with you…BUT….if he's out and runs into another exquisite young woman he doesn't want to feel guilty about entertaining that avenue. So the "out clause" is expressing he would still like to have the option to date others, even though he probably isn't. '

    1. (cont..)

      "He said he understands if I don’t want to talk anymore, but he still wanted to. I told him to back up and don’t flip the script, don’t make this about what I don’t want to do. I said you did not hurt me, you should think that you disappointed me..yeah I know ouch.!! "

      I believe what the brotha said is true…therefore how is he flipping the script? You didn't want to talk any more, correct? (true). He still wanted to, at least on a friendship level, correct? (true). Sooo…this is kind of about what you don't want to. The only variable that changed in this equation was yours. And honestly, nothing wrong with that. As far as disappointment, well that happens any time something doesn't go the way you'd like it to go. Such is life.

    2. (cont..)

      Overall, neither party was wrong in their decision making IMO. When going to the same destination, one person may get up early and the other may hit the snooze button. Both get there on time, but one is always going to be a little bit earlier than the other. The question is is that person going to hold the door open for the other while waiting, or let it shut so they can hurry up and catch the elevator. *shrugs*

  18. I agree with WIM 100%.

    I think he lead her on though by having her meet his family and ish. I would NEVER. I don't see how people don't see a meeting of core family members as a big deal. Of course, there are situations where it can't be avoided, but those are rare cases. My family and friends are likely to integrate whomever I present into the circle. That's how they are b/c they know how protective I am of my circle. If she's not valued enough for commitment, how is she valued enough for meeting moms?! GTFOH Besides, some of the most annoying ish ever is for people to ask you about some lady you're no longer seeing or have interest in… over and over and over.

    Best Friend: "What is the NAME of the lady you're occasionally going out with?"
    Me: "She doesn't have a name as far as you're concerned… why?"
    Best Friend: "I want to know about her and her background."
    Me: "but WHY?! It's not that type of party… You'll never meet her…"

    Clearly, this best friend is a woman… Clearly, I'm a harda$$ about the lines I draw, Michael Angelo…

    I'd be doing whatever lady a HUGE disservice by having her play the GF role without offering any type of commitment in return. When you're in, you're IN, but when you're out, you are NOWHERE.

    Likewise, I think a guy should avoid being all integrated into a woman's life if he isn't pursuing her like that. I don't care if she's throwing a greatest bbq OF ALL TIME with her family members and she invited you. Find something else to do… Why? B/c you'll get the "Oh. I've heard so much about you." line ALL DAY/NIGHT. And she'll think, "Yes, I'm in there! And they LOVE him!" When she isn't… Not only have you mislead her, you mislead her folks too. Mislead? Yes, who's going to really take time to correct all her family members that inquire about you two's status in front of her?! exactly… That'll make her look like a dumb a$$ and you'll be seen as an arse hole and your source of good-good is cut completely off. Everybody looses… May seem harsh but be true to your words… If you SAY you don't want anything, then act like you don't want anything.

    Yeah, I'm a guy saying all this. Maybe because I feel claustrophobic when people try to integrate themselves all willy-nilly or expect me to just roll with integrating me into their family life. It feels like ninjas are surrounding me! *keeps head on a swivel*
    My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

    1. "I think he lead her on though by having her meet his family and ish. I would NEVER"

      Are you serious??!!! We in 2011, not the 80's.

      Meeting the family or going to family events (bbq/parties, holiday parties, etc.) no longer does a BF or GF maketh. If your cool peoples why would I have a problem bringing you around family functions.

      1. That may be what YOU feel and that's awesome scary. lol

        But let's not pretend that those types of actions didn't contribute to the disappointment the lady feels in this case. Clearly him doing all that gave the impression that he was ready and willing. She did say his actions didn't match up with his words. In fact, one of the first things she mentioned was the fact that she went to most family functions.

        Personally, I am VERY serious. I'm completely loosing it if I expected my circle to not think there was something more if I kept bringing this one lady around. I'll be given the heavy side-eye if I said, "Oh. we're just friends" or "she's just cool peoples…" nawl buddy. And just like my mom would think something is up, I bet the lady involved would too. Not just once even, but she said: "introduced me to his core family and I attended most family functions." Most family functions tho? By chance she's been to more family functions than some of the family members probably. No No. I'm not trippin and she isn't either. "Most family functions" is the point where my mom starts giving a lady the make sure he treats you right talk.
        My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

        1. I completely agree with this and your previous comments. I'm a woman and feel that meeting the family and friends is a big deal. I don't care how long we've been dating, if we have not established that we are in an exclusive relationship then he isn't meeting anybody. *shrug* He'll hear about them all day, not so that he'll want to meet them, but b/c these people are a part of my life. But MEET them. Uh, that's where I have to draw the line. If we're not in an exclusive relationship, you aren't about to be bumping into me and my girls while out and about. Or including yourself in family functions and that's what it would have to be because I'm not including you.

          I'm in a situation similar to this. I've met his peoples. He tells me when his mom says "Hi." He's gone home to see family and showed pictures of me to parents and old college friends. Hell, he even approached an older cousin of mine at church to tell him we were dating…out of the blue. He has met nobody. And he wants to know why. We haven't had that talk. Unfair? I bet it is but who told him to do all of that mess. Not I. And I'll admit, I did feel special when he started doing all of that but I had to keep myself in check. I'll also admit, meeting family and friends does make a person, especially a woman looking for a relationship, feel like there is a possibility of a relationship. I feel incorporating random people into your circle de-values that circle and that's why I don't do it. Everybody doesn't feel that way. I'm sure. My people aren't about to be asking me, "What happened to that nice young man you brought around?" if he is no more than a nice young man. The hell I look like bringing every Tom, Dick (pun intended) and Harry around my folks? A fool.

    2. "I would NEVER. I don't see how people don't see a meeting of core family members as a big deal. Of course, there are situations where it can't be avoided, but those are rare cases."

      THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Agreed!!!!

    3. I completely agree!!! My family has only met two men, and they were both guys I was engaged to. If I don't see it being long term, you WILL NOT meet my family. I don't really know anyone who willy nilly introduces people to their family and close friends. You won't even meet some of my friends if I'm not feeling you like that. Most people assume that if they're meeting your close friends and family, you're more to them than just FWB and I generally think that's a safe assumption.
      My recent post 30thoughts: Episode 1

  19. She did the right thing by walking away for the sake of her own sanity. Although the friendship was severed as well who's to say that perhaps after a period of time and some inner healing on her part, they can rekindle their friendship BUT I would recommend her to keep it purely and strictly platonic and if they do decide to travel down that kind of road again she let's him know upfront what she expects… "The Girlfriend Title"

    Good Advice WIM.

  20. It all comes down to timing. Its like Dr J said, dude could have been going through a specific period in his life. And at that moment graduating her to girlfriend status just wasn't plausible. I know for sure i've been in this position where I like a chick and shes def wifee material but its just a bad timing.

    I think the young lady in the post did the correct thing. If a man is not ready ITS JUST NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN SAY/DO TO CHANGE THAT.

    So shawty's actions were on point. Kindly keep it moving.

    1. But real talk, this is a prime example how a woman will be like, "A relationship is about compromise." Watch this though, according to the shorty, he should give her what she deserves. It's not about compromise in reality, it's about what she wants. If a chick has the right to ask for a title, he got the right to say no. It's that simple. Sorry but to me, it just seem like women want what they want when they want it, and if you not in line then you should just get down or lay down.

      Shorty = The Messenger in 300. She just expecting you to lay down your weapons and commit to a life of slavery. Wait a minute, what if that doesn't work for dude at the time. If he was in a relationship for like 3 years and then came out of it, maybe he's not trying to start all that up again. A chick would walk out on a good dude because of that. Just because of impatience. Like real talk, if she had stayed put for like a few more months he might have been like, "Yo I'm trying to make this thing official." This is the type of situation that just says like, watch in a year she gonna see him out and he gonna be engaged and she gonna be like Ginuwine, Why Not Me? I bet you she walk away from that situation thinking he grimy for leading her on for a year or so, and only knowing his fiancee for like 3 months. But that's gonna be the worst mindset she ever had.

      1. @Dr.J: But real talk, this is a prime example how a woman will be like, "A relationship is about compromise." Watch this though, according to the shorty, he should give her what she deserves. It's not about compromise in reality, it's about what she wants. If a chick has the right to ask for a title, he got the right to say no. It's that simple. Sorry but to me, it just seem like women want what they want when they want it, and if you not in line then you should just get down or lay down.

        I agree with this paragraph. I'm not touching that second paragraph. I will say men are pretty much the same way though. It's really about how much time you want to waste/invest in any given person. Honestly, my time line is not indefinite. We are either on the same page or we arent. No hard feelings but I'm out.

      2. "Like real talk, if she had stayed put for like a few more months he might have been like, 'Yo I'm trying to make this thing official.'"

        Key word here being: "might."

        Why should she hang around for a maybe? If she wants a yes?

        1. He wanted the option to date other chicks. She stuck around, still no commitment. How long was she supposed to keep waiting around on the off chance he "might" decide he wants to be with her? That's how you end up 40-years-old, unmarried, and miserable cuz you ain't married. Sometimes you have to be realistic– the relationship wasn't what she wanted, and he had already made it clear that it wasn't going to be what she wanted. What else was there for her to do but keep it moving?

          Such mixed messages here. I've read dozens of blogs, books, articles that all pretty much say the same thing when it comes to men. Supposedly y'all know what you want from us from the beginning and it likely won't change…if that's the case, why would he have changed his mind?

          Now, do I expect a sure thing?

          In regards to relationships, absolutely. Either you want me, or you don't. It's pretty simple. There's no in-between. If it's a maybe, what that really means (to me) is "no."

        2. I totally agree with your first paragraph. Def no need to stick around if you're not wanted. I too tend to hear that men know if shes a keeper @ day 1. At a younger age id say yea that was the case. I'm 32, at this age I need to feel you the hell out. Lets let that crazy kick in so I can see what I'm dealing with. And yes I will decide If id like to wife you. I think once a man decides to WIFE a chick he's pretty much inn, its no turning back for us. But from day 1? no way

          Regarding ya response to a "sure thing", I get what you mean and I can respect that. Its just funny how men are so black and white..either we're on or we're off. Ya'll nag us all day about seeing the gray areas in life (feelings and emotions). The moment we step in that area yall want definite blk and white answers, like hell no negro we need to know..lol

  21. "if she had stayed put for like a few more months he might have been like, "Yo I'm trying to make this thing official." << yezzir!

    Meanwhile they hang on to Leroy the convict for 3 years while he cheats on her and beats her up for fun…

    1. That’s probably why she left. She went thru one of those LeRoy type situations and this reminded her of that. Too bad for them both, seems like they both needed it

  22. The letter hit home for me, maybe under way different circumstances though. It's hard to debate when in the middle of a bad break up and the "let's work it out" process after 5 years. "Ex fiance" is basically on this same rampage that this guy was on. My story may be a whole other ball game. It's good to know I'm not alone in my confusions and I don't think anyone will be able to answer the million dollar "dumb babymomma" question, "how much longer should I wait?"

    Great post!!!
    My recent post My Confession: 2 Men, 1 Body, 1 Love

  23. Excuses excuses excuses…be it their ages…timing…whatever!

    It's very simple… he didn't want her. No and's if's or but's about it.

    I don't care what a great guy he is…he didn't want her and that's his right not to, but hell no she shouldn't be friends with him. She would still be in a position of accepting less than what she felt she needed from him…and still on his terms. Peace my brotha'…go be a great guy/friend to someone else that is only looking for that.

    Never make someone a priority while they only view you as an option.

    1. If a man doesn’t want a woman then he doesn’t bring them around family. He wasn’t ready yet and she wasn’t patient enough. Love isn’t a bowl of ramen noodles, it takes time and patience

  24. Yea I think she did the right thing, and I totally agree with WIM: "In my opinion, if you want a serious relationship and a man tells you he does not, you should end the relationship right there. Using this disclaimer, he is free to have all the relationship benefits while placating you with the fact that you are not committed, therefore, he is still free to explore other options."

    When feelings are involved, "friendship" just holds you back from trying to find something new. She was clearly invested and he was not….she made the right choice as far as I'm concerned.
    My recent post A Few Good Men

  25. Animate: “His actions signal commitment while his words signal him being cautious or selfish.”

    NaijaSweetz: “Um, so….did any of the other SBM dudes catch this?…Animate, we’ve been thoroughly warned to keep our eyes partially blind to men’s actions and to heed your words instead.”

    I caught it. I’m not Animate, but I can explain. You and the letter writer are correct: assume his words are what he means. She took his statement at face value and reacted in one of the three appropriate ways based on his words.

    1. Agree to date other people.

    2. Leave him alone.

    3. Give him the attention of someone who’s not dating her exclusively.

    She didn’t seem too open to option 1. Fair enough. She chose option 2. I can’t necessarily say it was a bad move on her part, because I don’t know how much she liked the guy. Option 3 would have been her best choice, given that she clearly was interested in the guy, he is a “pretty decent guy” and he told (her) how much he liked (her) and enjoyed being around (her).

    The problem is they connected so well, she wanted immediate girlfriend status. She left when it didn’t happen. That’s fine, but she also claims she wanted to “connect on a man on a heart level”. That takes time to happen, as it is a function of her AND his feelings and level of commitment. That’s why option 3 would have been her best decision. She should have put on her poker face, restricted the attention she gave him, and let him know she is waiting for a commitment to give a man her all. She should have rationed her time and attention, until he said he wants more.

  26. I agree with WIM 100000% on this one.

    Truth is we are all selfish…we want what we want when we want it. She did the right thing for HER. She 'needeth' be friends with him either. What the hell for? She'd prob just kill herself with 'why wasn't i good enough?' thoughts…nah mehn. Leave him to his explorations…

  27. If he began under the guise of he didn't want a relationship, why after any amount of time she would think it would change? The problem is too many women go into a "situation" thinking "oh all I have to do is X, Y and Z and he'll want to be in a relationship" and they are absolutely wrong. Most men can function in a successful relationship that doesn't include a title. It doesn't make him a bad guy it just means he prefers the freedom and ever-changing nature of what is shared between him and her. Relationships, true relationships become complicated and draining….where a guy once was care-free and could spend time with a woman now becomes an obligation to meet her needs. Not that a man should not want to meet a woman's needs especially if he cares for her but there's no telling what other factors are at play, he could more focused on the foundation of his own life before he dedicates time and energy towards "their" life. If she wanted a relationship she knew that going in and should not have journeyed upon building the opposite of what she wanted, either way he made his intentions clear from the beginning it was her who deceived herself.

  28. My question is “was he upfront and honest about what he wanted from the beginning?”

    If he was, she was just upset because she couldn’t change his mind. This seems to be the most logical explanation because if he was such a “good guy” then why would he lead her on?

  29. It is women like you, women who aren't so desperate for a man that they put up with anything, that make me proud. You did the right thing by calling him out and walking away. Most females take that conversation as Wisdom said a "proverbial carrot", hang on and then get heart broken when they realize that they've given away all of themselves to someone who never had any intention of commiting. More women need to be more standards orientated when it comes to men. There are what 6 billion people on this planet, there is no need to hang on to someone who will never hold you back.

  30. This guy is doing what a lot, note I did not say most, are doing in today's world. It is super cool to have her around and fulfill his needs, but when it came time for their natural progression then he fell off like bad dope and didn't want to be a part of it. There is a man out there who will love and adore her and want to be in a relationship just as much as she does. I am happy she walked away and believe you me-he misses her and is sitting there like a Sucker MC looking es muy stupido!!

  31. I think she absolutely did the right thing.

    As for me, I'm not waiting any amount of time to be exclusive. Maybe because before I have sex with you, we have to be exclusive. I'm not sharing. You get 3 dates, max, to make that decision. It doesn't mean I have to be your girlfriend, or that we're going to be together forever and I definitely don't want to be introduced to your friends or family, (and you won't get to see mine until year 2 of our relationship), and I dont want a ring (ever), but I'm not the kind of person who fucks around, so I'm not going to be having relations with someone who wants to do that. Part of looking for mr or ms right is to recognize who want what you want, and clear away from people who don't. Part of it is demanding what I want and knowing when to leave when I don't get it.

    I find it hard to imagine that not sleeping with other people is so unreasonable, for the 2-3 months it gets us to know if we're actually going to be in a relationship or not. And if it doesn't last, what have you really missed out on? People are so afraid to take any risks and just want all their options open (both men AND women). I refuse. And yes, it took me considerable amount of time to find the man I have now, but I didn't get my heart broken not once on my way. It was luck, but it was also a matter of knowing what I wanted and not settling for anything less.

    Though compared to a lot of folks I'm easy to please. That's another subject though. My point was, if you know what you want, and you're not getting it, you have to do something about it or you will be the fool.

  32. She made the right decision. She wanted more and he wasn't willing to give that to her. As most of us agree, that doesn't make him a bad person just an honest one. Hopefully, they talked about intentions and what each of them wanted before feelings got involved. However, judging from the looks of this letter, it seems that they did not have that talk. She had one of three choices, when he told her where he stood; 1) Continue to see him and only him. 2) Continue to see him, pull back on the attention she was giving, and possibly start seeing other men. or 3) Leave his @$$ alone. There is no wrong choice here.

    She was right to feel some kind of way about meeting his family. That is something I hold very dear and important to me. My friends and family are not meeting ANY that I am not in or could not see myself in a relationship with. That's just how it is with me. I value my family too much, not saying the man that this letter is about doesn't, to have them meet random men. I am extremely protective of that part of my life. One reason is that I do bring a man that isn't MY man around and my friends/family see him out hugged up with somebody else then that make me look like a fool and him like the enemy. Things get messy when people are too open without setting the parameters of the relationship.

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