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Five Things About Women I’ll Teach My Son

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"Watch me youngin, might learn ya self something."

One of the things I look forward to most when I think about fatherhood is passing along to my son all of the nuggets of wisdom I’ve learned from my years of learning women. I never got to experience these things with my father. I look forward to experiencing with my son, his first crush, first girlfriend, first love. I look forward to him and I sitting together at a bar and slowly beginning to reveal to him the secrets of manhood a father reveals to his son when his son becomes a man. One Sunday, while he’s home visiting from wherever his life has taken him, he’ll come downstairs and ask me how I knew his mom was the one and I’ll know that he thinks he’s found his one. I’ll tell him about marriage and its imperfections, and he’ll tell me about his her. In today’s post I want to share some of the things I’d share with him, things I’ve learned along the way that might be useful to some of you … not that y’all are my sons or anything.

Always Have A Plan

When you meet a woman who interests you, the first step toward carving out your own little space in her life is showing her that you can be relied upon. The easiest way to show her that you’re reliable is to tell her what you’re going to do and then do it. It starts with the little things. If you take her card and tell her you’ll email her the next day, email the next day. Be on time when you meet for drinks and when you decide to have your first official date, have it planned from beginning to end. She won’t tell you how much she appreciates it right away, but appreciate it she will. Having a plan and then knowing how to make it come together is one of the easiest ways to separate yourself from most of the men she’s encountered. Most women say they love spontaneity, but what they don’t tell you is that they want that spontaneity to be experienced within the confines of an executed plan. A good woman will follow you through the gates of hell as long as you have an exit strategy and as long as you told her that going through hell was part of the plan.

Ladies have you ever went on a date, or dated a guy who never seemed to have a plan? What was that like? Was this something you appreciated about him, was it cause for concern or did it not matter too much?

You Can’t Save Them All

If my son is like his father, he’ll have a soft spot in his heart for most women, regardless of their previous, current or future life transgressions. As a pup, I thought all women were, by nature – good, possessed of good morals and good character. The ones whose behavior indicated otherwise were women who had somehow gone astray and could be saved by the right man. A good part of me still believes this but what I want to pass on to my son is the knowledge that saving them all is not his job. You will meet some women and you will take them as they are, be to them who you need to be at that moment, allowing her to be for you, who you need her to be at that moment. You’ll use each other, emotionally, sexually and in any other way you might desire.  That’s just part of life. The key is for you to make sure you both go into it with both eyes open, communicating to one another your expectations, or lack there of, accurately. You will not fall in love with every woman who falls in love with you, you can’t be everything for every woman you meet, and you can’t save all the women in your life because not all of them will want to be saved. Some of them will just want you, then.

See Also:  10 Ways To Work On Your Marriage Before You’re Married

Fellas, have you wanted to save a chick? Have you ever met a woman who seemed to be offering to the world way less that what she was actually worth? Did you try to save her, or did you just take her for who she was when you met her? What responsibility do we have, as men, to undo or at least try to not add to the baggage of a woman who’s clearly damaged?

Let Her Talk … and Listen to What She Says.

Another key part to endearing yourself to a woman you’re interested in is letting her talk and listening to what she says. As men, we like to brag, we like to boast, we like to let women know how great we are. There’s nothing wrong with that, in moderation – as you should be your own biggest fan. The key is to make sure you do way more listening than talking, especially in the early stages of a relationship. You’d be surprised at how little women are heard in our society. Women are often marginalized and unheard at their jobs, when they talk to their girlfriend’s they usually just swap stories, never really taking in what each other are saying. If you listen to what she says, taking care to appreciate the everyday minutia of her life, she won’t be able to help but fall for you. The other, more important benefit of letting her talk and listening to what she says is that you actually get to learn her. You get a real opportunity to see what she’s really about which will help you determine whether or not this is someone you really want to be with.

Seems like, with all of our technology, with all of the varying means of communicating with each other, listening has somehow become a lost art? Ladies, have you ever met a man who just listened to you and made you feel like your words really mattered?

Above All Else, Be Intriguing

See Also:  10 Things Insecure Men Do That We All Hate

To be handsome and have great style is a good thing. To be smart and funny is even better. Having success is always an added bonus and of course you want to be a great conversationalist. But above all those things, the most important asset you have in your initial interactions with a woman who piques your interest is your intrigue. The best women, the ones who are worth reconfiguring your life around – they meet smart, funny, interesting guys with style all the time and usually, they forget about those guys. But there’s something special about the intriguing man. If you are intriguing, she’ll find herself sitting at her desk wondering what makes you tick. She’ll wonder if you were serious when you said that funny thing she thought to be a joke at the time, but now seems a bit more confounding. Most importantly, she’ll wonder what you thought of her. She’ll wonder if you thought she was attractive, funny, smart, dumb or corny. Women have great imaginations and being intriguing gives them the opportunity to let those imaginations run wild. Before she knows it, she’ll find herself wondering what she thought about before she spent her days thinking about you. So how does one be intriguing? It’s simple, it starts with your attitude. You need to understand that not every woman needs, wants or deserves to know you. There are parts of you that are yours and yours alone. Develop that sort of self-image and you will exude it with those you meet. Don’t be douchey and self-absorbed about it. Be confident that who you are is special and different from everyone else and the knowledge of just how special and different you are is not given freely to every pretty girl that comes along, but is instead earned by the woman who is patient and discerning.

Let me know if I’m completely off base with this one. Ladies, in an initial interaction – all things being equal, is the man with a little bit of mystery around him not the most attractive man in the bunch?

Trust is a gift not given to every woman you encounter.

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The most valuable gift you can ever give to a woman is your trust; give it wisely and with discretion. There is no more important skill to develop than the ability to learn people. The ability to learn people is important because it is only after knowing a woman wholly and fully that you should allow yourself to trust her. Even then, trust her to be who you know her to be not who she believes she is; there is often a difference. Sometimes, when emotions are heavy and feelings are deep, a woman will be more inclined to say what she thinks you want to hear. She’s not lying to you or trying to deceive you; what she’s saying she truly believes. It is your job to know her well enough at that point to decide whether what she’s saying and what she’s capable of are one in the same. You need to develop the discipline to base your actions on the latter. Consistently doing this will make you villainous in the eyes of some of the women you come to know, but it will also make you a hero to others. Either way you should sleep soundly at night, secure in the knowledge that what you’ve done was always what was best for both of you.

In the history of the world, how many great men have met their demise in trusting a woman they shouldn’t have trusted. I’ve always said I’d never let a woman ruin my life, but – we’re men and we’re sometimes weak. Fellas, is trusting the wrong woman not the scariest thing you can possibly imagine.

These are just a few of the things I think about when I imagine what I’ll pass to my son. Fellas, what are some things you think you’ll pass along to your sons. Ladies, were you to have a son, what are some things you think you want him to know about women?

I’m really, happy with how this post turned out and feeling all emo at the prospect of fatherhood (lord willing). With that in mind, I’m going to turn this post into a series called “The Future Father Series” – next posts will be “Five Things About Men I’ll Teach My Daughter.” Lastly, I’m really working hard on the follow up to Secrets Discovered in Memoriam. Those of you who read the novella, I truly appreciate you. Those of you who haven’t, check it out here: Secrets Discovered In Memoriam

Till then, stay low and keep firing.

Comment(112)

  1. Most, you're gonna be an awesome dad 🙂 This is such a Mufasa-Simba moment.

    And I love this post. I wish I didn't agree with some of the things I read, but somewhere deep down I know I do.

    My fave: "Let her talk….and listen to what she says."

  2. 1. Results > Intent
    2. Ignore the influence of people who don't have your interests at heart and sometimes you'll even have to ignore those who do
    3. Cultivate and refine tastes in a variety of areas
    4. Self-deprecation, but only to a certain extent unless you're attempting to become a Comedian
    5. Be precise with your words to leave little to zero confusion about what you are communicating about regardless of length or verbosity of language

  3. Nice post! Trust should not be given all willy nilly. Practice discretion!

    I would want my son to know that being cutesy and romantic is great, but taking care of practical matters means a world of difference. Being verbally/physically affectionate is great, but running errands, fixing things, and doing chores (without being asked) puts a move on my heart.

  4. This is a great list, especially #1. I have come to realize that most people are simply not as reliable as I would have expected, so that is something that would definitely put someone in my good books. It's part of what made my mom fall for my dad, actually.

    In addition to all that, I would want my son to know that his character should be for his sake, and not for a woman's. He is to be upstanding and of good countenance, and this should not change because the flavour du jour is the bad boy. That he is a great catch does not mean that he will not be tossed aside by many a woman. Finally, expressing feelings and showing tenderness does not a weak man make.

    I just realized that I'm supposed to tell him about women. Truth be told, I can only speak for a woman after his mother's heart. In keeping with what you've said, she would want him to be reliable, discerning, and attentive. It does not take much for her to open herself up to him, but he would do well to tread carefully,as she can shut off easily if he displays some displeasing signs. She's a simple creature, only wanting someone with whom to share the simple pleasures afforded by life. Someone who knows how to guard his heart, but who will not make her go to unnecessary lengths to find his love.

    Tee hee, That low-key sounded like a dating ad. It's taken me over an hour to finish typing these few sentences; I need to pay attention to this movie.

    1. "In addition to all that, I would want my son to know that his character should be for his sake, and not for a woman's. He is to be upstanding and of good countenance, and this should not change because the flavour du jour is the bad boy. That he is a great catch does not mean that he will not be tossed aside by many a woman. Finally, expressing feelings and showing tenderness does not a weak man make."

      Character is key. So many people don't have it and don't know how to look for it in others. Also, where emotions are concerned, a lot of men get screwed over this way. If we just go on the nasty things said on blogs and twitter about men showing any sliver of emotion, outside of anger, it's easy to see why men wouldn't do it. Women don't seen too welcoming of it. They label those men 'Drakes' for doing anything outside of the 'Angry Black Man' role.

      1. As most of y'all who've been reading for a while have discerned I'm not completely against emotion, but I think it's totally overrated. For me, emotion is rare and its rarity makes it valuable. This is why I prefer to be a bit stoic in most of my interactions with women. There are very few women I've encountered who I cared enough for to actually think they deserved to see me be emotional.

        There's no more vulnerable moment in a man's life than when he takes his guard down and puts how he feels on the table. How a woman responds to this can make or break not only their relationship, but also many of his future relationships.
        My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

        1. “There are very few women I’ve encountered who I cared enough for to actually think they deserved to see me be emotional.

          There’s no more vulnerable moment in a man’s life than when he takes his guard down and puts how he feels on the table. How a woman responds to this can make or break not only their relationship, but also many of his future relationships.”

          We know this. But I think a lot of women respond horribly because they’ve never seen their mom respond to their fathers/men. OR, the women don’t get a chance to respond to fathers, step-fathers, grandpas, etc. when they are coming up. Not much is softer than a man being emotional over his daughters, grand-daughters, nieces, etc. While those men aren’t necessarily being vulnerable, those men are a girl’s first exposure to men having strong emotions for them.

        2. Most, I can appreciate where you're coming from, but stoicism won't work for everyone. I don't get particularly "emotional" often, so I'm not asking for a man to wear his emotions on his sleeve 24/7. Few men who know me have seen me in an emotionally vulnerable state. However, if we mean something to each other, what I'm after is openness. If he is upset about something, tell me so. He does not have to yell about it or storm about the place. Calmly expressing one's feelings is expressing one's feelings nonetheless. If he wants to hold me close just because he needs to at that moment, then he should do it. I don't want to develop a one-sided relationship where I'm an open book and I have to pick a lock before I can even read his foreword. I don't need him to shed tears bi-weekly, but I don't want to sit and wonder what makes him tick. I want us to have honest conversations about these things, and have open discussions about things that have happened in our past that have rendered us the way we are. However, even though those things can be done in a stoic manner, I want someone a bit more involved.

        3. Stoicism is attractive, at first. It makes me want to know more. But if he stays that way after Ive shown I can be trusted, it translates as irrational fear. I begin to think of him as man who can’t or won’t give the intimacy and sincerity I expect. I will begin to think there is something behind that wall that is unattractive. Something I don’t want to earn or be subjected to. Word to the wise, sometimes men hide for good reason.

    2. I think you made a very good point about having strong character. That should be a top priority. We have to be firm in who we are and be willing to stick to what we know to be right. Yes, there are times that we may need to make improvements, but we should never place ourselves in a position where we allow another person to change our character, especially if it isn't for the better. That is definitely something that every child should be taught. I'm really glad you mentioned it.
      My recent post Random 7 w/ Inspired Enigma

      1. Definitely. It's disconcerting to see people talking about how they changed their character to something less commendable because it seems to be garner more results.

        1. Exactly! The sad thing is that seems to be the way of the world. People compromise their values, morals and character all the time. Whether it's to fit in, get someone to like them, impress someone or a number of other things. I just wish more people were comfortable with being themselves and weren't so quick to change because of someone else.
          My recent post FREAKS IN THE FASTLANE

      1. I definitely think that's the best way to go about it when it comes to daughters. You want them to know enough about men to be cautious and question their intentions, but you don't want them to hate, despise or distrust all men. It's a fine line between educating her and scaring her. I can't wait to read that post and see what you have to say.
        My recent post FREAKS IN THE FASTLANE

  5. This is definitely a great post, I appreciate something like this right here. I will definitely pass this on when I start to have kids of my own. I wish I had a father that explained things like this to me growing up as kid.

  6. For me, the only thing that comes to mind as I read this was something my grandmother told me when I asked her about men and being in love – "Be still. Be patient. Be kind. Know that the heart is as delicate as a rose and as hard as stone. Know that as a woman in love you'll be still, patient and kind. If that love ever leaves, you'll be as hard as stone."

    As I stare at my 3-week old son, I realize I'll probably tell him the same one day. A woman in love will give you the world so be patient and gentle with her heart. However, a woman scorned – well I wouldn't want to cross paths with her.

    Besides that, he'll definitely need to know that you can't turn a ho into a housewife. (way too many of my boys found this out the hard way)

    1. To that last point, I agree and it's sort of what I was getting at with "you can't save them all." I think most – man and woman – go through a period of promiscuity in their lives. A time where we're exploring ourselves and others, just for the sake of exploring. There's a difference between a woman who's exploring and a hoe. I hope my future son (and your 3 week old) grow up to be men who can discern the difference and act accordingly.
      My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

  7. Great post! I always find it interesting to hear the things that people plan to tell their children about life, love, etc. I think so many young people were not afforded such an opportunity with their parents and were basically lost when it came to knowing some of the things you mentioned. Obviously its not solely the responsibility of the parents as we must experience life on our own to learn its lessons but at least having an idea of what the future may hold would make navigating the road of love a bit less treacherous right? This may be a different post for a different day but I was curious, what times of things would you tell your daughter about men? would the lessons be similar, sort of as rebuttals to what you would tell your son? Or would the message be completely different?

    1. I've had a few older people (70+), tell me they learned about relationships through observing their parents so they figured their kids would do the same. Plus, people married younger so they didn't get a chance to develop certain bad habits to the extent that they are doing now being single longer.

    2. I actually learned the vast majority of this stuff on my own, through my own personal interactions with women so I don't think these things are totally lost if your dad's not around or unable to pass these things on to you. I don't think that these things going from father to son are ideal, but it's not the only way. There's no greater teacher than life experience. The problem is, sometimes, while that life experience teaches you everything you need to know, it can also weigh down on you real heavy, making it impossible for you to actually implement all the great stuff you've learned along the way.
      My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

      1. I agree 100%. That is why establishing that foundation first (hopefully in the home, where it begins) is so much more important. If you do have that it makes dealing with life's experiences easier. For those that did not have that opportunity how much more will those experiences weigh them down because they are having to learn from scratch how to deal or approach various situations with no previous examples? It is definitely possible to do without the example however as I have seen people do it. It is just disheartening that so many people are having to learn on their own these days.

      2. That's very true. I'm sure it makes things a bit easier if you have someone to sit down and tell you these things, but the alternative isn't all bad. If a person surrounds themselves with the right type of individuals they can learn these things and more. Plus, a little trial and errors helps too.
        My recent post FREAKS IN THE FASTLANE

        1. But how do they know who the right people are? We've all heard stories about old men/women at the barber shop, work, etc. telling a younger person something jaded and wrong because the older person was bitter. Every bit of advice and example of old folks aren't good ones. So…Yeah, we also need to make sure people understand the ramifications of surrounding themselves with the happy or unhappy people.

        2. You make a very good point. I definitely agree that there are a lot of people who don't give sound good advice. I suppose that's the part that makes it a learning experience. We have to learn what type of lessons to follow and apply and which ones to ignore completely.

          Oh yeah! The people who have been hurt or who are bitter typically give advice that is one-sided and likely disastrous. Like you stated, they will tell a person something and leave out the consequences that accompany those types of actions. That's one reason why we have to be so careful who we listen to and even more cautious about the instruction that we follow.
          My recent post FREAKS IN THE FASTLANE

  8. This is a great post. The first one though, I read 'Pen' instead of 'Plan' and was confused about why he'd need a pen when we don't need them in 2011. Was his celllphone going to be broken? Bu tthen I re-read. Duh.

  9. Wow. This was a wonderful post to read! Everything you've said I wholeheartedly agree with it. It's comforting to know that some guys actually are thinking about this way before they have any children.

    Additional things I'd want him to know about women? Hmm… Nothing really comes to mind at the moment except BE DIRECT when dealing with women. Be direct with expressing your feelings and intentions… It's never good to leave a woman feeling confused as to where you guys stand or where you guys are headed.
    My recent post Don’t Take This The Wrong Way…

  10. "Ladies, have you ever met a man who just listened to you and made you feel like your words really mattered?"

    Mmmhmm! And it's one of the best feelings in the world. Especially since I make a point to truly listen, particularly when someone is confiding in me, I truly appreciate when the same is done for me. I mean, why else do we talk if only for someone to not just hear us, but listen to us?

    "Let me know if I’m completely off base with this one. Ladies, in an initial interaction – all things being equal, is the man with a little bit of mystery around him not the most attractive man in the bunch?"

    I'd have to agree. I love the intrigue of a man during first meeting. Maybe his physical attractiveness heightens that a bit… actually less like maybe and more like definitely. I ain't gotta lie to kick it. 😉
    My recent post Friday Foolery: Forever, Forever Ever, Forever Ever?

  11. Wow! This was a great post.

    Growing up without my father around I had to learn a lot of these things through trial and error. I can honestly admit that it's difficult growing up without a father to sit down and teach you the things you need to know as a you grow into a man. It really helped me while reading this post to know that I did eventually come to know many of the things you spoke of.

    One of the things I never really learned well was how to approach women. Reading about having a plan makes a lot of sense. When I first started dating I would just have a general idea of what I wanted us to do and would sometimes even rely on the women deciding. I learned quickly that wasn't the correct approach. Like you stated, women like for a man to have a plan. They want to know that we have put some thought into the time we're spending with them and that we want it to mean something.

    It's so true that every woman can't be saved. I grew up being naive thinking every woman I encountered was a good woman and deserved the world. Although that may be true to a certain extent, I realized that not every woman is at the stage in her life where she is ready or even wants to receive the world. There are women who are only concerned with school, work or the like. Then there are women who are only concerned with partying, club hopping and having a good time. Then at another point on the spectrum there are women who are ready for the real thing and want a man who is about his business and about providing her with what she needs and wants. It's for this reason that it is important for a man to know what stage a woman is currently at in her life when he enters into the picture. The outcome of the situation will likely depend on it.

    Trust is vital. Simple put, not everyone (or every woman) should be trusted. It's all about gauging someone's character and truly getting to know that person. Once you do that, it should be slightly easier to determine whether or not that person is capable of handling your trust in the correct manner.

    Once again, this was a great post. I definitely enjoyed it and will be sharing it throughout the day. I look forward to the next addition to this series.
    My recent post FREAKS IN THE FASTLANE

  12. Whats funny about the picture was the first thing my pops told me was never shave with a razor. Moving on

    #1 was me all day, i would text a girl like Lets Chill #noGuy and when she was on her way i realized i aint have a clue what we was finna do. Eventually i learned the hard way when she started coming thru with her homegirls or just blowing me off altogether.

    #2 Of the men who try to “save women” about 45% are just naive, 30% simply care too much and the other 25% its simply ego. Naive people pretend like they dont see red flags, Caring people look past them, the egotistic think they can fix them.

    #3 Listening to women is key. No matter how much you think you know about women, theres always more to learn.

    #4 You aint gotta be the Most Interesting Man in the World (No pun intended) but have interests and hobbies besides chilling and playstation. Give yourself some space and give her time to miss you. Mindf*** her.

    #5 Trusting the wrong woman is scary because it makes you second guess everyone else, including yourself. Dating her was your decision, your judgement. If i dated a woman for years and she does me dirty, i wouldnt even take it out on all woman i’d be more disappointed in myself for betting on the wrong horse.

    1. Your point on #5 is so clutch. It's exactly how I feel. If I were to ever put my trust in a woman and she failed me, I'd never talk to her again, ever in life. But that's no big deal. People come and go. But myself, I have to live with myself everyday forever. To know that I put that kind of trust in someone and was dead wrong means I'm not as ill a n*gga as I thought I was. And that means, I can't trust anyone else ever again, not because all people are untrustworthy, but because I no longer trust myself to be able to know who is and who isn't. Heavy Stuff.
      My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

  13. Gosh. Honestly, I hate thinking about stuff like this. It brings me to tears sometimes. But my main goal as a parent is just to teach my kids to be good human beings. When it comes to relationships, I'll probably have to rely on a book and this post to help me get through those kinds of conversations. The best I can come up with is that everybody is different and you can't please them all so just be the best you you can be. I'm sure my husband will have some great things to share. He seems to be made for this type of thing. I've never thought of him as a wordsmith but I've listened to how he talks to my son and he definitely rises to the occasion. Oh yeah, I'll tell my son to never tell a woman she's acting like her mother or grandmother. Even if the mother or grandmother is great, she'll not take this as a compliment especially in the heat of an argument. Great post Most. Hope you don't mind if I copy and paste it into an email to my son. Thanks.

    1. " never tell a woman she's acting like her mother or grandmother. Even if the mother or grandmother is great, she'll not take this as a compliment especially in the heat of an argument."

      Gurrrlll – this made me laugh real loud, my man has compared me to my mom in the past….he almost lost his life that day. I don't care if he's absolutely right, you run the risk of a midnight shanking when you do that.

      1. Honey let me tell you my hubby said that mess to me one day! A voice came out of me that I didn't know I had! I was like "are you ready to meet your Maker?!"

  14. I didn't see the questions you posted cus I originally read this in Google reader.

    1. Yes! I thought he didn't look forward to our date. I thought he was dangerous to date because he was unprepared for a date so he'd probably be just as unprepared for life with a family.

    2. I'm not a fella but I have stopped dating a man when I realized every chick he mentioned had a fatal flaw. They were broke, peg-legged, etc. I didn't have any of those obvious flaws (save for the crazy, but all women have that) so I knew the relationships would go nowhere because I wouldn't be a 'project' for him to fix, stand back, and admire his work.

    3. Listened? Yes, twice. In other words, most of the men I date, get into relationships with, only listen to about every third word I saw. Some even only hear the things that apply directly to them. Those don't make it long.

    4. I don't like mystery. I like to have the information up front so I can make informed decisions.

    5. Men need better training on how to spot the okeydoke. My step-brother once had a chick he was dating whose people dropped her off at the house and never came in to meet my people. My mother immediately labeled her a tramp from a dodgy home. Six weeks later, she was proven right. What kind of respectable parent drops their 16 year old off at a house without going in to check things out? My step-bro didn't believe fat meat was greasy. All he saw was the ease at which he could be with this girl. She was playing him. He would later learn how to spot the chick who HAS to date outside of her school/neighborhood, etc.

    1. Peg-legged tho? I see you’re on some extra mess today.

      And yeah, your mom was absolutely correct about that little girl.

      1. I recently realized I'm just ridiculous at my core. My first instinct is to be silly and over the top. I usually control it but lately, I've been acting a complete fool!

    2. That's wild! Her parents just dropped her off and kept going. That's a scary thought. It shows you how little they probably cared for her well-being and I'm sure it had something to do with the type of young woman she was. It's sad.
      My recent post FREAKS IN THE FASTLANE

      1. She was from a long line of sketchy folks. I didn't mention that she was, according to my mother, "Sitting there high as hell!"

    3. Your #2 is the real deal. I run into this more since I started blogging. Men who think i need to be fixed, because we know promiscuity is a symptom of an illness. For women. I get men who take me on as a project then get mad when they find out there isn’t anything to be fixed. At least not what they assumed. They actually get mad, believe it or not. I think we women have the same issue with men we think just need some love to make them change..

      1. Men want to feel like they've accomplished something by 'fixing' you. Never do they stop to think that whatever you are, how you see and interact with the world is by your own choice!

  15. Another Great Post MrSpradley!!!

    “Let me know if I’m completely off base with this one. Ladies, in an initial interaction – all things being equal, is the man with a little bit of mystery around him not the most attractive man in the bunch?”

    You are on the mark with right here^^^ I like NOT knowing everything about a person upfront because as I have learned that I tend to lose interest rather quickly once I know just about IF NOT everything about you so soon. A man that has some mystique to him whereas I can’t quite figure him out as of yet keeps me on my toes and my mind yearning to know more about what makes HIM tick.

  16. Consults crystal ball….

    I see all girls for you Sir Spradley. "Stay low and keep firing" gone take on a whole new meaning once they hit high school. Or you could get a shirt like the one my hubby has:

    D.A.D.D. Dad's Against Daughters Dating

    I kid, but the post is really on point. Number 1 for me was such a big deal, I knew things weren't going anywhere with a man the second he said he wanted to see me but had no plans for what he wanted to do. Bamma.

    1. "Number 1 for me was such a big deal, I knew things weren't going anywhere with a man the second he said he wanted to see me but had no plans for what he wanted to do."

      Yessss, but even worse when you trying to plan the first date. I'm sorry, What? Who? You're asking me out but I'm supposed to plan everything? No, just, nevermind.
      My recent post Mamas, Bellies, & Babies

      1. I used to want four kids too. Then I had one and decided two would be enough. What does your wife think? You ever think about adopting?

  17. "Always Have A Plan"

    Yes, YES, yes!!! This is uber important to me.

    This post has really made me think because I have two sons and I havent really told them much about women. I guess they will learn from watching me that women like making a big deal about life events, love shopping and are obsessed with their hair.

    1. My oldest son is 7. He is already so into girls its crazy. It's scary but expected, because to hear him tell it, the girls are throwing it at him already…lol. He tells me he has three girlfriends. I say, you are allowed friends that happen to be girls, but no girlfriends until you can afford to take them on a date. He tells me about how the little girls at school say things like, you make me laugh and hang around him during recess, etc. (yes, he is very handsome, another thing to worry about int he future huh). I tell him, I don't care what she says…you can't touch a girl's body at all until she's your wife (it could happen).

      These little Hussies! lol

      1. "These little Hussies! lol "

        Girl who are you telling? I have a 10 & 12 yr old. My 12 year old was approached by 2 little girls 6&10 and they said to him "you're cute… You have to choose"

        These brazen little hussies!!!

        1. 6 and 10??!!!!

          Wowww. lol

          But hey give them some credit at least they know upfront they ain't trying to be girlfriend number 2. "you're cute… You have to choose"

          OMG!!! lol

      2. I believe every word of that. Kids nowadays are something. I was talking to one of my YouTube supporters not too long ago who is 13 and he was telling me about this crazy 12 year old gyrl he used to date. She was so obsessive and even promised him her virginity…at TWELVE! I couldn't believe kids are moving so fast at such a young age. All I can think to ask is "Where are their parents at?"
        My recent post FREAKS IN THE FASTLANE

  18. All good lessons.

    I'm not sure what I'll teach my son. I found that my father tended to give more advice than mandates. He often gave me two or more choices, with his opinion on each. Rarely did he make the decision for me. That way, I could take responsiblity for my successes and my failures and I couldnt use him as a scapegoat on a "but you told me to do this tip." As a result, I'm pretty good at making independent decisions and I blame myself first before assigning blame to others when things go wrong. It's how I'm built. Obviously, I will provide more guidance in my son's youth, when it is most needed, then as he grows to become a man I will back-off and let him make his own choices. I will be there to provide my opinion but I also want him to be independent. Honestly, one of the most important lessons my father inadvertently taught me is to just be there. He was always there when I needed him. Unfortunately, a lot of (black) men can't say that. (1/2)

    1. (2/2) I notice a lot of women are skipping over the "You Cant Save Them All" paragraph, which is interesting because it might be the most applicable to the many debates we have on this very blog. Further, it applies to men and women. I think there would be a lot less headaches for both sexes if everyone wasnt out here trying to save every man/woman they come across. Then again, some people like fixer uppers. I prefer to go with the new model myself. To each their own.

      My recent post PROMISCUOUS GIRLS and the Men Who Marry Them

      1. Speaking for myself, I didn't address it because I believe it's a given. If I have a daughter, my "You Can't Save Them All" would be in reference to the man who has been hurt and has allowed that to interfere will all his subsequent relationships to the point of unhealthiness. It's one thing to guard his heart initially, but if he's playing hot and cold and/or just can't seem to make up his mind about what he wants from the relationship, let it go.

    2. I like your dad's approach. Sometimes parents are so hellbent on proving their authority over you that they forget to "teach" too.

  19. Awesome post. I agree especially with #5. I watch men give their trust to women who do not deserve it at all sad. Ooooh and a man with a plan is so dang sexy;)

  20. I would have to teach him (if I ever do have kids) is1) to listen to women, but take what they say with a grain of salt. Sometimes what they say could be what they mean AT THE MOMENT, but realize that it could be at that moment alone.
    2) I'd have to teach him that it's not always possible to be seen as 'the good guy" when he makes certain decisions, but make sure it's the morally right decision regardless.

    3) Heck, I'd have to show him that there are several different kinds of women out here, each with their own benefits and drawbacks, and not put them all on a pedestal, but don't demean them either. That for the man I'm raising him to be, there are certain women that aren't worth his time beyond a "Hello".

    4) That his manhood isn't predicated on him having chex. 4a) To not let himself be manipulated by women using the phrase, "Well, a real man would…" when chances are she wouldn't know a real man anyway if he announced himself and had a sign on himself.

    5) That he has to know that simply being a good guy will not make women love him or appreciate him. He will have to exercise wisdom when choosing a woman that sees him and appreciates him as he should her. That there is no such thing as dating up for him because just as he's not superior to any other person, he's not inferior to any one either.

    1. "That he has to know that simply being a good guy will not make women love him or appreciate him. He will have to exercise wisdom when choosing a woman that sees him and appreciates him as he should her."

      Yes<b/>, particularly the last sentence. I find that a lot of men complain that, while they are being "good," a lot of women are bypassing them. They don't take the time to realize that a lot of those women were not worth their while to begin with. "Quality over quantity, my son…quality over quantity."

      1. To be honest, we do put good men (and women) in bad spots by saying stupid stuff like "Any woman (or man) would be lucky to have you", and it goes to their heads, and now they think that any woman or man they choose is going to be lucky to have them and treat them right simply because they're on the scene. Not true, my friend. So not true.

        1. I don't believe that's stupid at all, actually. There's nothing wrong with telling someone that whoever they end up with is a lucky gentleman/lady. What I do think is that people need to be a bit more rational. For every man who has thought highly of me, there is another who wouldn't even consider me, for whatever reason. People need a harsh dose of reality from time to time, and sometimes they also need to realize that what they've been going after is actually not in their best interest.

  21. Great Post Mr. Spradley! Great! I appreciate you already preparing for these important moments that will ultimately come. From the looks of things, a lot of parents don't think about life lessons they want to pass on to the future generations.
    As a mother, I use everything I see as a teaching tool. For example, one morning on the SH morning show, they were talking about this young man (19 yo) that had 14 children. My 7 year old son was like "whoa"… I was like, yeah, his life will be HARD unless he wins the lottery (and the odds of that happening). I told him that he is just as precious as women; and that just as he wants his future wife to honor her body, that he should honor his because hypocrisy creates chaos. I am going to beat that horse DEAD until he walks out the door and even then.
    Lessons are not for us to keep hidden away. I notice many parents don't talk about those hard lessons they had to learn. I am going to tell all my children all the good, bad and ugly that I have experienced due to choices I have made. I won't allow my fear/shame/guilt to interfere with my duties as a mother because I want my children to be aware of the consequences of choices. Yes, I know that they will have to learn SOME things on their on, but I pray that my honesty will keep them from traveling down some unnecessary paths.

  22. Excellent post, Most! “Always have a plan” is terribly underrated and listening is a skill that will take you far not only in love but life in general. Can’t wait to read the rest of the series. You may inspire me to write a response(s). *hugs*

  23. great post most. it really spoke to me. the other day i was walking home from the bank and i saw a father picking up his son from school and he was asking him how his day was. as i was walking beside them i could hear the pride in his voice and how much he loved his son. the boy couldn't have been more than 5. i really want that some day and i've been thinking about it a lot lately.

    to answer the questions that were directed at men:

    2. i've tried to save a woman. she didn't want to be saved. when most people think about saving women they think about dudes trying to save garden tools. this wasn't the case. the woman i tried to save was so emotionally damaged that she eventually transferred those negative emotions towards me. eventually i had to take a step back and it was then i realized that our relationship was a lot more toxic than i ever imagined.

    5. i used to have a lot of trust issues. like you i used to think that all women by nature were virtuous. they wouldn't hurt me because they were women and they would have my best interest in heart. it took one woman for me to change my stance. now trust is earned. i don't walk around not trusting people upon meeting them but i wouldn't put anything past anyone. i find that its a lot easier that way.

    since you've already covered most of the relationship stuff when (if) i have a son i will let him know:

    -always have a firm handshake.
    -look a man in his eyes when speaking to him.
    -chivalry isn't dead. practice it.
    -work hard. play harder.
    -pay yourself first.
    -high school is not the end of life.
    -good friends are hard to come by.
    My recent post #30for30

    1. I forgot to answer the questions specifically but what MadScientist says above pretty much mirrors my experiences and lessons I would like to teach my son among others. These are countless and will be taiolered to his needs, so a list of my own would be futile.

      I especially like point #2:

      "i've tried to save a woman. she didn't want to be saved. when most people think about saving women they think about dudes trying to save garden tools. this wasn't the case. the woman i tried to save was so emotionally damaged…"

      1. "i've tried to save a woman. she didn't want to be saved. when most people think about saving women they think about dudes trying to save garden tools. this wasn't the case. the woman i tried to save was so emotionally damaged…"

        That right there got me messed up for a minute. It's definitely taught me a lesson though.

  24. I love this post ! My dad told me – " love a man completely and truly but to save some for yourself. " I would tell my son the same thing

    1. That's a good point. I know everyone doesn't believe it, but I believe there is a pretty strong correlation between the way a man treats his mother and the way he will likely treat the women he gets involved with. I know that's not always the case, but the majority of the time I think it is.
      My recent post FREAKS IN THE FASTLANE

      1. well they better start believing because it is the truth…not just deeds(cos those can be deceptive), I typically zone in on how he speaks about her, how he feels about her, how much respect he has for her. Although I must say that as much as I want a man who loves and has a healthy relationship with his mom, no woman wants to deal with a mama's boy; voicing(respectfully, of course) opinions not popular with mom every once in a while will reassure me that everything is ok.
        My recent post Race – an illegitimate concept.

  25. You can't save her. You can't. The best you can do is show her how to save herself. Whether she takes you up on the advice is her choice. Some will. but most wont. And I hope "you can't save _him_" is firmly planted on your list for your daughter.

    I agree about having a plan, and about following you through hell as long as I know the plan _AND_ can *trust* in your ability to get us to the end of the plan… which means you must have been keeping your word along the way… and proven to be a critical thinker. I won't fault you if it doesn't turn out exactly how you/we planned, but if you can explain it to me in a way that makes sense, listen to my input, and then follow through? Regardless of the outcome, I'm yours.

    I would want him to learn compassion and integrity… empathy is important, even if he ends up being a naturally stoic person, he must understand that empathy is still expected.

    I would want my son to know that it's ok to date, fall in love, and marry a woman with a child by someone else. My stepfather and father became great friends by coparenting me. There is nothing like being loved by three or four parents. But I would also tell him, should he choose that for himself, you can't pick up and drop off children like you do women- so be sure.

    I would encourage him to choose a woman who knows how to get her hands dirty… one that knows adversity… so that when shi! gets hard (because it will) she doesn't crumble, and she won't be afraid or incapable of helping him get things back on track. Hell sometimes you just gotta eat noodles. Period.

    You want a woman who isn't grossed out by her body. I know it seems random, but it's important. Basic knowledge of her own body is essential. If she can't take care of herself she can't take of you or your children.

    Choose a woman with a mind of her own. It's harder. We're harder. But it's _worth it_. Just because she challenges you, it doesn't mean she doesn't believe in you. If she doesn't seriously question who you are and what you believe in before committing her life to you, RUN. Because it probably means she hasn't done the same for herself. And if not, she isn't ready.

    I would want my son to know that love is worth it. It really, really is.
    My recent post Mamas, Bellies, &amp; Babies

    1. We're harder. But it's _worth it_.
      "Just because she challenges you, it doesn't mean she doesn't believe in you."

      Exactly!! or that she's being difficult, argumentative or another example of an ABW.

      "If she doesn't seriously question who you are and what you believe in before committing her life to you, RUN. Because it probably means she hasn't done the same for herself. And if not, she isn't ready."

      Good Point!

      May I also add: Either that or she just doesn't care enough about YOU or THE RELATIONSHIP she just looking to get chosen (GF/Wife'd up) and that's a recipe for disaster months maybe even years ahead.

  26. Point of clarification: "A given" in the sense that I agreed with Most's paragraph, not that it goes without saying in general.

  27. Poignant post. Great lessons. I mean, if we have to narrow them to only five, I believe you hit it on the head. I would add to make sure your actions match with your words. Don't over promise, just over deliver. Another would to learn to be truthful without being hurtful. I know it can't always be 100% like that, but it's something all of us have to work on. (Words x actions x discernment x passion)/ love = success

    Thank you for this post. When men learn this, and act accordingly, it's epic.
    My recent post (You) Make the Road by Walking

  28. The one addition I would add, is something that my mom told me as a yout:

    No means NO! If a woman says stop, do it immediately!

    I took this to heart. Still do to thi day. I don't care if your no meant yes. I will cease and desist and proceed to CHILL!

    My dad also told me to never let stress overcome me, because it will age you. You have to learn how to control it to prolong your life and peace of mind.

    Great gems
    My recent post [INFOGRAPHIC] Myths about college sports and revenue generated

  29. I always get the feeling that as i'm teaching my son all the tricks, a chick is teaching her daughter all the tricks and i'm indirectly contributing to the tricking. I think these are solid things to teach your son. Safe list. I just want my kids to think for themselves. I think parenting should be more like Math and less like History.

    "You ever wondered why you take Calculus? Yeah, you'll probably never ever use that, but math isn't about the answer, it's teaching you how to think." – @DrJayJack
    My recent post My First Blog (The Final post on The Book of Jackson)

    1. Well, to be honest, I think both subjects are needed. Math teaches conceptual thinking, but History shows the past, both good and bad, to learn from. Not everything in History was good or bad, but has a lesson to be learned from by future generations.

  30. Great post!!
    BUT, Let me just say that the intriguing man is great in theory, but in reality, he's highly annoying!! I'm not super emotional, so I don't readily divulge personal things about myself right away either. So, at the end of the day, you have 2 people who never get to really know each other because they're holding back pieces of themselves, which is really what makes or break a relationship.

    I am speaking from firsthand experience. If you are asking a woman out because you really consider her worth getting to know (and you're not just trying to smash), you don't have to tell her everything right away, but trying to be intriguing usually makes us think you're playing games, you only want sex or you're emotionally unavailable. Vulnerability is much sexier!!
    My recent post Dear TT: Should broke men date?

  31. Three simple rules.

    1)Do you…A man has to take care of himself first, have a good goal and pursue it with determination and diligence, make sure your affiars are in order before you worry about women, we only here for a limited time. make the best of it

    2) Women are not good by virtue of been women, no one is good just by virtue of gender or race or anything else, I believe that the best way to be when it comes to love is to treat others the way you want to be treated, some women will be good to you, some will not, they are no different from men in this regard; too many boys get caught up in the old gender role mentality of doing everything for a woman just because she is female, even at the cost of themselves. Its not the way to be.

    3) Never go raw unless you are ready for a child with that woman.

  32. I am so late, lol…but as a Mom of 2 sons, I thought this was great.

    The biggest thing I want my sons to have is confidence…in God and in themselves. For men and women, I think that's half the battle…

  33. I would teach my son's and daughters things I have come to know by growing in faith. I know not all believe the same so I judge no one, but hopefully encourage those who are believers of the Bible. I'm grateful that I now know what has been revealed to me and that no one judged me during my mistakes along the way.

    1) There is only one Saviour- Yashua Messiah (Hebrew for Jesus Christ) we are not called to save anyone but to pray.

    2) All women aren't virtuous. Otherwise, Sampson wouldn't have been played, betrayed and subsequently lost his strength due to dealing with Delila.

    3) Physical intimacy is for marriage. The greatest testament of this for believers is that we, the body of Christ are His bride. The blood that should be shed on the wedding night is a spritual symbol of the blood that was shed on the cross for all of our sins.

  34. "Be confident that who you are is special and different from everyone else and the knowledge of just how special and different you are is not given freely to every pretty girl that comes along, but is instead earned by the woman who is patient and discerning"

    Of all of the points, this one really resonated with me – and it'd work for both sons and daughters. There's just something about a man with a healthy self-esteem level that's so attractive; I can always tell because these men are more authentic, have no issue with arrogance or over-sized egos(hence they seldom get played by women who prey on these weaknesses) and they're much more level-headed. All in all, great post! Cheers to getting a chance to pass on these nuggets as soon as you'd like.
    My recent post Race – an illegitimate concept.

  35. Hands down one of the best articles I've ever read…ever. I was especially struck with the part about being villified for being able to comprehend what a woman hasn't said because you understand her enough to know what she meant but could not say. I also love the part about intrigue. How not every person that we meet deserves to know us intellectually or erotically. These are all the lessons we follow but never verbalize. #G code

  36. That had to of been one of the most honest, respectable, & inspirational things I have EVER read or heard come from a man. You 5 things I would tell my son about women is realistic as well as open. Not all women want to be saved, some just want you for the moment * some just want to use you for what you have or the sex.
    For those of us who have done the work to change our selves, bust our butts & become a woman in todays society deserve, want & desire a good, real, & open man that can do the majority of things you listed. Life is about choices & how we raise our children, some stray & come back & some never come back, but for those of us that strayed & came back it was all well worth the fight to become the woman I am today for myself & my children’s sake.

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