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Engaged Black Male: Why do men get married?

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It has been hard transitioning from a Single Black Male into a Dating Black Male and now into an Engaged Black Male (I’m still SBM though … remember that).

Today’s post is part of a new series: Engaged Black Male.  I’ll talk about being engaged, my upcoming life of commitment, and all of the thoughts and thinking that goes through the head of a Black Male about to officially get out of the game for good.

Enjoy …

"SBM will wear no ring!" - SBM before being slapped

Personally … I’m happy I’m getting married.  I think about it … it makes me happy.

But … I try and convey this feeling of joy to my friends … and it gets messy.

SBM: “Yeah man … I’m engaged now.”
Roscoe: “Why?”
SBM: “What you mean?”
RD: “Why would you do that? Why would you get married? Ain’t you still young?”
SBM: “I swear … n****s …”

“Why” is the #1 response I get when telling another black man of similar age that I am planning on getting married.  This made me think … why am I getting married?

F*ck the club

You know what the club is like when you don’t need to worry about who you are going to take home that night … fun! I go to my table (not going if no table is involved), sit down, drink as much as I want, and the only people I need to talk to are the ones I know.  I used to be nice … but now I’m an a$$. “What do you mean Dave told you to come drink from our bottle? F* Dave. Get out of here. The bar is that way.” It might be me … but not caring what any other chic thinks about me in the club has allowed me to transcend to new levels of ignorance … and I love it.

See Also:  5 Reasons Why Break Ups Suck

It’s hard out here by yourself

I have moved 4 times in 3 years.  And not just from one side of town to the other, but between DC, ATL, Boston, and San Francisco.  I’ve moved by myself before … sh*t sucks.  Life is so much easier with a permanent support system that is there for you.  I loved being on my own … but I love having someone else soooooo much more.

(Most) Girls are dumb … throw rocks at them

I write about dating.  I talk to people about dating.  People ask me about dating.  Man … I didn’t realize how much I hated dating.  You have to entertain these stupid stupid people who often have nothing to add to your life and just waste your time.  You take them out (or let them take you out) and it’s painful. It’s not everyone, but think about how many chickenheads or worthless men you have encountered trying to find quality … it’s sickening.

Rejections Sucks

One of my friends had a “situation” not work out.  I didn’t know what to tell her.  I don’t really remember the last time a woman rejected me … my life is just winning.

Working for “it” gets old

First, you see her.  Mentally you map out your approach, check your breathe, and move forward.  You need to be witty and intelligent, but not boring.  You want to be funny, but need to be taken seriously.  You need to find something in common, and then convince her that you know enough to pique her interest.  Now … you can ask for the number.  Then you call (or text) her to further impress her … get her to go out with you … and then get her back to the spot.  Hopefully she doesn’t have a headache, cause then your f*’d.  She doesn’t … good … now you can smash.

See Also:  Why Does He Ask "Do You Love Me?"

Damn … I got tired just thinking about how much work that used to take.

 

When you think about it … it just makes sense.

Feel me?

– SBM aka “Don’t you dare call me EBM” aka “I know what the f* I’m doing”

 

Comment(91)

  1. Well, my dear e-boo-boo (who never told me he was engaged and ish), I think there are a million reasons why being offically and legally connected to your better half is a good reason. All I can say is congrats (late only because I was waiting for an official announcement).

    Oddly enough, your last three reasons to get engaged (and married) are my first three for staying single.

  2. I never understood why men wouldn’t want to get married, but I never have enjoyed “dating” for sport. It has always been about finding a person I could build a life with. I find the comment about being an a$$hole at the club amusing b/c I have encountered that man and politely explained to him (as I enjoy my drink) that its okay to be a generous person even if you’re not trying to have sex with someone LOL.

    Anywhoo congrats and please help your brethren out here grow up and see the light too.

  3. First off, congratulations on making the decision to take the next step. As a married minded single brotha, I co-sign with every point you made here.
    Over the last few years, I have become very picky with the women I decide to entertain. And if it's not going down a path of a woman I want to court towards marriage, it gets thrown into the friend zone pretty quickly. I'm honestly sick of the dating game, but I'm not settling either, which is a hard conundrum to be in.
    At this point in my life, I've decided to let go and let God work that out. Until then, I take things one day at a time and keep an empty cup. Remember, faith without works is dead, so as men we still have to do our part at the end of the day.

    1. I'm definitely right there with you. The dating game is such a headache! I turned 25 this year, and just as everyone has always said, at the stroke of midnight on my birthday, I swear something clicked inside of me like, "Ummm, I'm about ready for that next step." Dating frivolously, for reasons like "Oh he's cute, or, he seems like fun," is no longer an option. Serious candidates only need apply.

      I'm pretty sure God is teaching me a lesson in patience right now though…for now I guess I'm growing…lol

      1. You too MissMina?? I turned 25 this year also and it's kind of like, ok time to get married. Although I will admit that I've always wanted to get married, never really did much dating, don't really understand the point of people of want to date forever. And God is teaching me that exact same lesson in patience….cuz Lord knows I feel like I'm getting too old already

        1. @SayWhat Ugh yes! And to be completely honest I feel like females who are 25+ are often judged if they are not married yet or in at least a serious committed relationship. For the first time ever, I do feel as though I'm being judged, like "Wonder whart's wrong with her?" I already know I shouldn't let others' opinions affect me, but it's still not a good feeling. Adds a lot of pressure to the dating situation. Am I the only one who's felt this way at times?

          Sorry guys, got a little emo there…

        2. "And to be completely honest I feel like females who are 25+ are often judged if they are not married yet or in at least a serious committed relationship. For the first time ever, I do feel as though I'm being judged, like "Wonder whart's wrong with her?""

          Nah.

        3. lol Um.. I hope you realize that it's not guys doing the judging, especially if they aren't thinking about marriage. It's mothers, aunties, sisters, girlfriends….hell, even the random ass old lady down the block.

        4. @NajiaSweetz You know now that I think about it, you're right. It's definitely more from women than anything. And Adonis…lol I won't comment on that correlation lol.

          @Top Cuz you're a guy! LoL. You can be single forever if you want 😉

        5. "And to be completely honest I feel like females who are 25+ are often judged if they are not married yet or in at least a serious committed relationship."

          And for good reason…

    2. I appreciate your comment to SBM. It's refreshing to hear your piont of view. Scripture says that a man's highest blessings and favor are achieved when he finds a wife (I'm paraphrasing). This refers to every area of life being blessed by honoring God through marriage. Hopefully more men will receive this wisdom regardless of their age if they truly want success God's way. Peace & blessings!
      Camille 🙂

  4. Congratulations, first and foremost. I think marriage is beautiful thing. There's nothing like having a family. Although my marriage failed, I thought it was the second most important move I have ever made in my life. I know I'm going to get in trouble for saying this, but I always wanted to get married and have a family. Most men would never admit it. I agree with all of your points made here. Communication is the key to having a successful marriage. There's nothing like walking through the door and having that beautiful smile greet you with a kiss and a hug. There's nothing like waking up every morning and seeing that person who completes you. And I do mean completes you. You see when you marry someone, you are marrying that part of you that your are not. She brings to you everything that you are want and need to make you whole. She compliments you. She brings that piece of the puzzle that says "Now I can complete my journey now" It's true, GOD never meant for man to be alone. I truly believe that there is somebody for every person out there… Kudos to you. And may GOD bless your marriage…

      1. I told you that this might get me in trouble, but brother marriage is so cool when you are with the one who believes in you… That is what’s so beautiful about it… when someone believes in you and stick with you through all kinds of life heartaches… You will know once you meet the special someone…

      2. I told you that this might get me in trouble, but brother marriage is so cool when you are with the one who believes in you… That is what's so beautiful about it… when someone believes in you and stick with you through all kinds of life heartaches… You will know once you meet the special someone…

    1. I love this, and especially the fact that you did not let your failed marriage cloud your sentiments. People tend to discourage others when things did not go smoothly for them.

      1. What good is there in hating? I know first hand what true love can be like. Although I have taken myself off the market, I still believe in love. Marriage is so beautiful especially when you find that someone who believes in you… That is what so cool about it… you have someone in your life who believes in you and want to see you do well… sharing all of life's ups and downs… You will see one day…

      2. What good is there in hating… Just because it didn't work for me don't mean it won't work for someone else… I always admired the brother who finds that special someone and is willing to commit to life of love and happiness… Although, not all the days will be happy, but that's the beauty of it all… You get to work out your differences and it makes the marriage that much stronger… The real beauty in marriage is knowing that you married someone who believes in you… Nothing is more incredible than knowing that someone other than your parents and siblings who believes in you and all you are and want to be…

    2. Your candid, heartfelt honesty touched my heart. That was so beautiful, poetic and sincere. Thanks for sharing! Peace & blessings!
      Camille 🙂

  5. I like dating. Not for sport or to just to get some good but just the adventure of it all and i can save time “wasted” by dating different women at the same time. However i’m leaning towards a more serious relationship for the the same reasons SBM is taking the plunge. Also…

    1. Consistant +1: Its good to always have someone to do things with. Even a WalMart run with a girl seems better than flying solo.

    2. Sharing isnt caring: I consider myself a catch, but i’m not oblivious to the fact that some dude can come through and wife a girl im only talking to. Not ready to put a ring on it but a facebook relationship status why not?

    3. Women love men in relationships: Chicks is cutthroat these days lol

  6. i think egos play a role. Ninjas who believe they can quit running around and get married whenever they want to, they just dont wanna #interventionswag. They never learn until they’re 40, 3 kids outta wedlock trying to come up with a witty Match.com profile

  7. Well, as a SBF who totally understands your decision as well as respects it, I applaud you. However, as a sister to 3 black men, 2 of whom never married and one who just phoned me to complain how his wife doesn’t even work with him in the marriage by keeping a clean house and the occasional bored housewife antics while he’s running his company, let me just say, it’s no less work apparently to get married than to be single. The balencers are the same. She’s bored so you have to bust yo ass as well as bring home Barry Ehite in the bedroom. You have to constantly evaluate the erotic play against what you’re getting versus what you need, routine sets in so keep it interesting. Men love their football, farting and flirting since they still hang with the homies, and anyone worth looking at still gets flirts even with wedding bands (sluts with guts is what I call them) bec there is still a shortage of good men out there and someone’s full-time daddy is still eyeballed for his creep potential ( I know bec I don’t do attached men but I get approached all the time by them). So to this I say, be aware my committed brotha because soe men after a spell wonder if committed still means what my parents had (30+ years of fighting and loving string with five babies who all got past college) or being fitted for a Sean John straight jacket.

    I love that you’re giving those of us still the feeling that there’s soe men who want to come home to a woman in a negligee and a henessey martini. For that I say in the immortal words of Teddy P, ” Turn Off The Lights”.

    1. Don't know why your comment received a thumbsdown… you made some interesting and valid points especially in regards to "no less work apparently to get married than to be single. The balencers are the same" this is the truth, it's just that now — similar to what you said — you putting in work in different ways..

      *ClicksThumbsUpButton*

  8. Congrats.. on your engagement and lol at a your reasons (especially)

    Working for “it” gets old

    lol I think this is one of the reasons men get into relationships in the first place. It's nothing like having the pu$$y sitting on a platter waiting vs going through all that chasing only to find out the sex is well –__–.

    1. most men fail to realize that you can't stop- or you shouldn't stop- what you were doing to get her just because you're married. You may be able to turn it down from time to time but you should still do those things that made her feel special from the beginning. And "chasing" does that…

      1. True.. U can’t stop doing those things u did to get her once you have her, if anything u step your game up times ten to keep her. (@sea u sounded like my mom with that comment lol she says that all the time )

        1. Keep doing what I did to get her?

          So after you have run a race … do you just keep running around the track?

          GTFOH

          You do need to remain a good husband/boyfriend and you need to do a lot to keep her happy … but you don't need to do what you did you get her. It's a different point, what you need to do is different after you're in it.

        2. at first glance a so true statement but upon reflection so false.
          You prepare to take yourself to the next level. You run again this time to measure speed, then the next your endurance and then the next to observe the scenery. Your mind is an amazing tool and can turn the regular into the unusual anticipation. You can aways improve and that's what make it interesting not boring. It also shows value and appreciation because the effort is the same from being to end.

        3. I tell my husband that although MOST of the time you don't have to wine and dine me to get it, every now and then would be nice. I believe that this one of the benefits of being married, I would never expect him to keep up the things done during courting. I think is unrealistic to expect that. Children, work, cleaning, cooking, and sleep (LIFE) will get in the way of all the romance. This makes me appreciate the romantic moments even more.

  9. Dating has been good to me. My conscience does make my heart heavy tho because these women these days are a trip. Some want relationships after the first blaze … Some just want to blaze after the club … Some live in another state/timezone … Some just want to go on dates <s>and spend all yo bread just to get up with another dude at the end of the night</s>… Some aren't gf material due to my overly critical self, so it takes a very fleeting mind to navigate through all these women, while actually looking for thee woman for me.

    Honestly, i just want to watch 80s movies and listen to mid 90s east coast hip hop on the daily … No club, No stress (Yea right), No babysitters.

    1. You prefaced your statement with "Dating has been good to me", but nothing that came after that statement sounded good. You don't sound like you enjoy dating.

      1. Exactly. Lol. Smh. The idea is good and as you can see the execution (Everything after the first sentence) not so much. Often times i'm conflicted as you can see. Maybe i've just grown a bit tired of it over the last 4 years. Either way, i'm still standing. I'm still strong. Lol

        1. Wait a minute, Top…what happened to the strong potential you mentioned a while back??? You done got rid of the lady already, lol??

          All up in your bitness, lol…

  10. I'm a female that's been married 8 years and now with a baby under 1 y.o. Sometimes I envy my single friends. I must reiterate SOMETIMES lol

  11. Congratulations! I agree with EVERY point made. The one time a year I go to the club with my friends, within two hours I am ready to go home. I spend most of those two hours walking away from dudes walking up behind me to grind on my booty and the other half dancing in the corner with my crew (heyyyy! That's my song). I have fun, but then it rarely takes me long to remember why I don't like clubs anymore. I have more fun, dancing with my family in the living room and we do that weekly.

    Any relationship will be work, therefore I am glad to no longer be wasting time on something that may or may not be going nowhere. I am glad that my husband and I are traveling the same proverbial road with the same destination in mind. Although there WILL be obstacles and detours along the way, at least I have a partner to travel with and that makes the trip more interesting.

    1. "I have fun, but then it rarely takes me long to remember why I don't like clubs anymore. I have more fun, dancing with my family in the living room and we do that weekly."

      EXACTLY. I have such a short amount of club time in me. But family partying? Limitless.
      My recent post Saying Goodbye to My Trainer

  12. That’s wonderful. I know the feeling. Marriage has its benefits. And they come with major, no joke responsibilities. When you are in love those responsibilities are easy. Later on, the hard work begins. Whether you prefer the work of getting some needs met for the benefit of freedom, or the hard work of marriage for the benefits of having a built in companion, its a trade off. Neither situation is perfect. Currently, I am enjoying the hell out of freedom.

    1. That's interesting because I feel more free in my marriage than I ever did single. Mainly because I never really knew what I was really getting or a guy I was dating intentions so I couldn't allow myself to be totally free without any walls.

      1. I completely agree. You don't want to just share your entire self with just any 'ol body, so once you find that person you can completely be yourself around, that's FREEDOM! I'm still "Waiting To Exhale," which is a GREAT way to describe the feeling you get when you've found "The One."

        My recent post Sweat It Out Syndrome (SOS)

  13. Marriage is a companionship. Thats something you can't get from a girl you just met in the club unless you make her your permanent live-in gf. I think at some point most men realize that but others don't until they are 40, lonely and unmarried.

    congrats again!!!!!
    My recent post Nigerian Wedding

  14. great post!

    I'm dating now, and while I enjoy the sport of it, I would rather have one man in my corner. Hell, sometimes, I just want to cuddle on the couch while watching #BoardwalkEmpire. Deciding which guy to call is no easy task, especially if you aren't particularly interested in having sex. Yeah, I need a permanent man, a future husband. The next man I ask to oil my scalp and he does so happily, I'm going to ask him to marry me. Ok, that's a lie, but I will consider him a potential.
    My recent post My Love Is Like…

  15. Congrats Again SBM!!!!!

    And your reasons make good sense, but in marriage there will come a time when "Working For It" in a different way though of course, will get old just the same but you guys love and commitment to each other will see you through it. Good Luck!!!

  16. First, that "Eff the Club" section was THE BEST, lol. My bff doesn't know what to say out of her mouth either and its hilarious!

    I'm def pro-relationships. But, after experiencing divorce, I'm not in a scurry to remarry. *shrugs* Its gonna take way more proof than I had the first time around for me to be convinced, beyond a shaddow of doubt, that "this is it". Though I'd love the tax break…and I'd love to co-habitate (sharing bills is the BEST), its just gonna have to wait, lol. I do look forward to the day that I am more than confident about taking that step with someone.

    There is nothing better than being married to the right person…nothing.

  17. I'm single but I think marriage is a good thing. Is it a goal of mine? No. I just don't see marriage as something I must do. My parents have been together over 30 years and I would love to have what they have. Having a companion or teammate to go through the ups and downs of life is beautiful. I just don't think that it's something you will into happening. I've seen too many people get married on what they thought were good reasons which proved to be bad reasons. I also enjoy the freedom I have now. I can come and go as I please.

    After saying all that I know that I'm built for relationships and marriage. I prefer a relationship just with the right person. I hate dating. Dating is easy but I hate the work that it takes in regards to approaching women, dealing with their different levels of craziness, and getting rejected over and over again. I know I probably contradicted myself. I just think you should live life the way you want to until you meet someone that makes you want to share your life with.

  18. I wonder at what point do these revelations come for men? Like, do you know all along and just choose not to acknowledge because you feel you are not ready to give up such things? Or is there really a turning point where a light bulb goes on and all of a sudden you realize you don't need the club or desire to have more than just alone time all the time?

    1. SayWhat, part of it is simply men enjoying having the upper hand. Several guys who didn't get noticed in high school and barely got noticed in college suddenly are who women are checking for at 25 when they have a degree or two, a nice house, car and investment portfolio.

      Some men play the field for a minute; it gets old fast, and they decide to settle down. Some men just don't grow out of it. Every man is different, but a young man who is receiving immediate rewards from dating doesn't see a purpose in settling down.

      1. Hugh's explanation is pretty good, well at least it makes sense to me. Dudes who weren't really noticed before enjoying attention now is understandable. I feel like with women, even the less fortunate looking ones still can garner some type of attention, and at the very least chex when they want it. So in that respect the dating appeal probably has leveled off for women around 25, cuz there's not much more out there that we haven't already been exposed to.

  19. Just wanted to stop by and say "congrats" again. I actually don't question another man about getting married. I support it unless I know the chick is crazy or a ho…fo sho. Given the alternative, I can definitely see why a man would choose to get married for the reasons you listed above and beyond. I'm thinking of writing a separate post about why I as a single man am motivated to get married so I'll withhold the majority of my thoughts for now.

    I do agree with the list you provided.

    My recent post Do Black Men Not Value Marriage

  20. I'm so genuinely happy for you! I can't wait to get there; dating is the pits. =( And it totally is hard out here by yourself! I'm sure being single has its benefits, but I still enjoy being with someone more often than I like to be alone. I need to share all this awesomeness with someone else, lol.

    But good luck to you, and maybe your positive attitude about getting married will rub off a little on some of your friends. [Probably not, but it just might]
    My recent post Dating: How to Overcome the Height Deficit

  21. I loved being on my own … but I love having someone else soooooo much more.

    I like that. Not a fan of the dating game, either. Never been actively involved in it, actually, so perhaps I'm biased. Anywho, I'm happy for you and stuff. All the best!

  22. Yayyyy! If don’t nobody feel ya, I feel ya. Especially the dating pas de deux filled with tedium and WTF is wrong with you fool? And don’t forget the asset building that marriage brings! Mmmm…I long for the day when I can call up Suze Orman ‘Can I Afford It’ and be like we are bringing in X amount a month, we have no debt, our savings is 200k, our retirement is 500k – can we afford this yacht Suze?!?! Can we?!?! But maybe that’s just me. Heh.

  23. Congrats on the pending marriage! Great post too…I think men getting married is all about timing and looking in the right direction at the same time w/ the woman you’re committed to at that time…the revolving door of women and dating for sport gets old once you get to that stage in life of routine…you work, you go home, maybe happy hour once a week, and send out that standard mass text, hoping 1 of the women you can tolerate bites…but the day will come when those late night texts will be ignored/rejected and you’re sitting there stuck like “damn”…that’s when it becomes like a light bulb moment that you gotta start dating w/ the goal of meeting THAT 1

    For me, I wanna have all my ducks in order before I bring my future wife abroad for the journey…more than anything, when it comes to finding that woman I choose to make Mrs, it’s equal parts what that she brings to my life and equal parts what I know we’ll can accomplish together

  24. Congrats to you and yours. As always I enjoy reading your blog. This particular subject has me thinking about some of my own guy friends. Most single men that I know choose not to marry simply because they feel marriage is now a life where they would be spending more money and have less sex.

  25. Congratulations Sean!!!

    So many men out here rebuke the idea of marriage. It's almost like you would have to convince them why they should – which means they're not worth the time if they can't see it.

    I have always believed and from the married couples I know that are happy, I have seen that when you have the right person by your side, it can make all the difference in the world. It's one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. I'm really glad for you and am excited to read more of these posts.
    My recent post (Less Limitations +Less Boundaries +More Life) x More Love = Restoration

  26. Congratulations!!

    1. enjoy the small moments those will be your best memories.
    2. dont sweat the small stuff – they turn into the huge arguments.
    3. touch, touch, more touch, even after she puts on weight from the babies – more touch.
    4. NEVER, ever get to indifference.."i dont care" can destroy a relationship.

    Again, congrats from a female of 19 years of marriage to the same black man.

  27. This was interesting…..my boyfriend talks about marriage and stuff way more than me….I'm actually cool holding off on the marriage stuff..I'm not going anywhere as long as he acts right….lol I think I'm the one with commitment issues. Reading this list though kinda helped me see where he might be coming from. He is an athlete also so I think he probably REALLY feels he needs something permanent and something to be anchored to. I can wait though…no rush.

  28. As a man, this is the most depressing sh!t I've ever read. What this post pretty much said was: "Ugh. Single life and dating can suck. Do you know how hard it is? THAT'S a good reason to get married."

    I'm not arguing against marriage. Not at all!. However…

    The game is rough, so forfeit? There is only ONE reason to marry a woman: because she is THAT awesome. The only reason for a man to get out of the game is because he won it. No excuses, play like a champion.

    My recent post Running your mouth is an emotional act. Self expression is an intellectual act. Know the diff. The…

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