Home Featured A Man’s Dream: Can You Get to the Damn Point?

A Man’s Dream: Can You Get to the Damn Point?

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Thinks to self: “Baby, do you remember calculus?”

Last Thursday, WIM presented us with his list of the 10 most critical #ManLaw Commandments. All of ’em had me doing the Hallelujah dance in the Church of Latter Day SBM. But there was 1 in particular that caught my attention and led me to the post for today:

5. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A lot of folks probably laughed it off and kept it moving, but keep in mind that much truth is said in jest. Men are known for being rational, logical, and efficient while the fairer sex is known for…well, not being so rational, logical, and efficient. Please note that there’s a difference between being a smart man and being an efficient man. A smart man knows that he should listen to whatever his girl says, say exactly what she wants him to say, and nod until he realizes she feels better about whatever the situation was that she brought up in the first place. An efficient man, when in the midst of conflict with his girl or potential significant other, immediately wants to figure out what needs to be done to get from X to Z as quickly as possible so that he can get back to whatever he was doing before she came over and sat on the couch, or called him during the 2nd quarter of Monday Night Football saying “If you cared about me, you’d discuss this now.”



Let me take a second to clarify these incredibly crucial letters. X is the issue or point of discussion that men either don’t wanna talk about or wanna resolve as quickly as humanly possible. For women, it is the crux of the matter  that is surrounded by Y. Y is the extraterrestrial nonsense, emotion, filler opinion, banter and booty chatter that we have to cut through to get to the root of the problem. For women, this includes the things they want men to know so that we understand exactly where she’s coming from so that we won’t make the mistake again. Z is the solution that’ll make both lives better and lead to smiley faces, orgasms, and sleep.

See Also:  Don't Call Me A Female!
Too.F*cking.Much

What women sometimes fail to realize is that Y is like salt. If you put the right amount on your food, it tastes better and you feel good after eating it. You won’t mind having that meal again. If you use too much, the meal is ruined and you increase the likelihood of high blood pressure, swollen feet, decreased attention span and premature ejaculation. So basically, a lot of chicks use too much salt when just a pinch would do.

While your thoughts, feelings, and emotional tirades are important to us, we’d prefer that you figured out why you’re feeling the way you feel, explained to us briefly the underlying reasons and the impact, then told us what you’d like us to do to decrease the likelihood of incurring future wrath and lost time. That way, as we go forward, we can keep in mind and make sure that we never have to revisit The Conversation Part Deux again — at least as it pertains to that subject. We just wanna say “Okay, I get it. Won’t be an issue moving forward” and be done with it.

But for you, that’s often not good enough. You’d like a dissertation with us not only acknowledging that we understand, but an in-depth analysis of each bullet point of your gripe and why it means something to us. Well, sometimes that’s just not gonna happen shugah. We’re going to tell you that it’s more so about solving the issue and ending the conversation. That of course depends on us being efficient and honest. We wanna be and most likely are smart. But more importantly, we wanna minimize energy expenditure while maintaining candor. You understand right? Right?! No? Fine…

See Also:  The Saved Zone

I’m going out with the fellas to the strip club and will allow a 30 minute lag between text messages.

So next time you’d like to have an elaborate conversation about something we did or the most quintessential beef, just give us the cliff notes and let us know what we can do to decrease the likelihood of the conversation coming up again. You’ll feel better and we’ll feel efficient. It’s best for the both of us. And the sooner we can get back to us, the sooner we can get back to the horizontal polka and reluctant post-coital spooning.

Untangling Spaghetti Arguments Since I Untangled That Fallopian Tube,

P.S.S. Good news on the writing front. I’m now a regular online contributor for UPTOWN Magazine. Please check out my last 2 posts: 5 Ways to Push Your Man Toward Infidelity and What Men Really Mean When They Say…. I’ll be posting content there every Monday. Hope you continue to check out and support!

 

Comment(169)

  1. Bu-but..I like dissertations. Bet you couldn't tell. I once sent an ex a 7 page Word Document "letter" and he was driven to alcohol without even reading it. lol.

    I used to add a lot of extraneous details to my stories in general, but I'm a bit more succinct nowadays. The kinds of (dissertation-worthy) arguments I can see myself having require input from the other party beyond "ok, I get it; won't happen again." If I get the impression that you simply want the conversation to end, I just might do it…but it won't be to your benefit.

    1. " I once sent an ex a 7 page Word Document "letter" and he was driven to alcohol without even reading it." LMAO!!! You are thorough, lol!

    2. Haha @ Camille & Slim. I do what I can. =D

      Aye Most, you tryna send me a message over there, homie?? lol But on the real, I don't have as many words to spare nowadays, otherwise you guys would probably know my entire life story by now. Them "dissertations" y'all be seeing on here everyday? Pfffft.

        1. lol Remember when I said I had communication issues in the past? That was a classic cathartic moment. By the time I get to the point of writing you anything half that lengthy, it's usually a "chucking up my deuces" piece.

        2. I just remembered one of my bff's sent a 7page letter to an ex. He actually read it and agreed with her on most of it and apologized for his faults in the relationship.

        3. That reassuring moment when you find out you're not an anomaly. lol. Mind you, I still have the thing in my outbox and even I can't read it. Never again.

      1. lol I wasn't an English major, but that's partly because I fancy writing for me but not at all for marks. I'm an unofficial editor of everything under the sun, though. I think mine said he didn't read it…which is fine, because I'll forever crack up about the alcohol part, and I felt instantly better once I hit "send". Getting it out there was merely therapeutic on my part. Yours probably skimmed through it, at the very least.

  2. Unfortunately, this will never happen. Women find the process of telling the story or vocalizing the argument in length cathartic. Women enjoy working through their emotions and having us listen to ever little detail. I think the fact that we don't enjoy the lengthiness of a good portion of these conversations is in part why women are so pressed to tell them because, to them, it shows that we care by doing something we don't like but that they feel is necessary.

    1. "good portion of these conversations is in part why women are so pressed to tell them because, to them, it shows that we care by doing something we don't like but that they feel is necessary. "<—- yes

      But for the most part if men would'nt go into "not this again mood" or try to rush to the solution before women spell out the problem, men would'nt get stuck into what was suppose to be a 15 min convo that turned into an hour soap opera.
      The more you try the speed through the convo or rush us, we feel like you are pushing it to the side, which makes us (some of us) tape into our emotions(even if we did'nt plan it that way). Just like you want us to repsect your quite time by not inturrupting the game and asking silly shut, respect our time to talk to you by listening to what we say without trying to push us through what you want to be a 5 min window.(Plus when you do this it helps us stay on task ie: state problem, state why it makes us mad, and state how you can fix it/not do it)without taking emtional detours

      1. Fair enough, but understand when the band starts playing your time is up. Also, just because someone doesnt agree with your ass doesnt mean they arent listening or dont get it

        1. I can accept being wrong or u not agreeing with me. But if you give a solution to a problem me and you are having make sure u follow through consecutively. Don’t just practice the solution for two weeks then start slacking and then complain when it’s a problem again and we bring it up. Women every situation doesn’t have to be that deep , men understand that sometimes to her it is that serious and stop acting like a Convo past ten men will kill you.

      2. "But for the most part if men would'nt go into "not this again mood" or try to rush to the solution before women spell out the problem, men would'nt get stuck into what was suppose to be a 15 min convo that turned into an hour soap opera. "

        can the church PLEASE say amen. lawd.
        My recent post Sliding Doors: Part VIII

        1. If some men spent half the time trying actually understand what she is saying, rather than trying to avoid hearing it….the discussion may be shorter. Communication isn't rocket science, it is a two way street though. Saying "yeah, or umm hum and really", isn't really feedback now is it. Lol.

  3. Slim you are hilarious. I'm one of the women who are efficient and succint. I'm the one who zones out when people are long winded with me. However, I get why women are that way when relationship issues arise. In those heated, emotional moments women need to heard just as much as men want the problem solved. Give her what she needs in those moments…an attentive, listening ear. Then solve the problem and get back to whatever you would rather do. That's the "work" of relationships.
    PS-
    Congratz on Uptown! Wish I could be in NYC for happy hour. I'm a west coast resident.

    1. Interestingly enough I can go both ways depending on my mood that day *Pause.* Sometimes I'm in a drama free mood and the quicker we can address an issue and move on, the better. (this is usually on Sundays or days when sports are on and I just wanna watch the games lol)

      But as a woman, I personally reserve the right to be emo and wanna talk things through completely sometimes as well. To me, its all about balance. Every discussion needn't be an hour long; some can be solved in a couple minutes or so, but sometimes I do need you to listen for awhile.

      This balance has usually worked for me in relationships.

  4. This ish right here… *katt williams voice*

    Like most ninjas, i dont mind an argument (bitching) every now and then, being happy all the damn time gets boring. However, every problem should have a solution, if one is just gonna keep ranting and raving over the same thing everyday, thats just insane. Even the flawed ass judicial system realized this thus there being double jeopardy and statute of limitationsor dont feel like having a re trial so they execute a seemingly innocent man. Theres probably plenty of relationships that ended simply cuz dude has had enough, their new girl is a downgrade in a traditional sense but shes at least provides a clean slate.

  5. When I read that quote in the blog last week it stood out to me to because it is very very true. Women are more likely to share and discuss the complexity of situation and seek your perspective as a part of the problem solving. I think women get that most men don't wanna hear all the blah blah blah. So yeah, it would behoove us to "get to the point!!!!!" (make that clear) and maybe THEN, go into the blah blah. lol. Likewise, women don't wanna hear the "yeah, I get it" when it's a shut-her-up strategy instead of a genuine understanding. In our minds, if you don't actually understand, we are doomed to repeat.

    All in all, we need to accept and work with each others' differences.

    Lastly…sidebar:
    I got lost when the word efficient was tied to "men are more"…maybe I don't fully grasp how it being used here. I know women more efficiently access both sides of their brains (lol) and while our approach and process may be different, I don't think that means men are more "efficient." I guess that's neither here nor there. lol.

    1. I guess it is neither here nor there. Men find simple solutions and move on to the next, women multitask. Example: I rather listen to ur rant give advice and watch the game rather than discuss it during the game and then argue with u for not paying attention. Not to say my way is better, but one causes less headaches than another…

      1. What about MY headache though? Just because silence = peace for you doesn't mean silence = peace for me. Therein lies why compromise is needed. I should not have to talk to others all the time, that's why my companion is there.

    2. I have to agree. Both men and women could make these type of situations better.

      Women can stop going all the way around the world and just share the most important parts…or better yet just get to the point.

      Men can stop halfway listening and acting as if they don't care at all about the woman's problem/issue/dilemma.

      Like you stated, it's about accepting and working with each others' differences. No one is perfect. So it's about making the best out of an imperfect situation.
      My recent post Dudes Tryin’ to Score &amp; Get in the Endzone, Chicks Throwing Flags &amp; Got’em Stuck in the Friend Zone

  6. This whole post.

    Women like to talk things out. Men like to think things through. Women don't realize the more they talk, the more men tune them out. Men don't realize a woman talking is literally them working out the problem for themselves. We just need to find the happy median between our approaches.

      1. LOL! I gotta admit I was already *side-eyein* Hugh's comment from jump! LoL. But after reading it all the way through, I definitely co-sign it entirely as well! #Progress.

  7. Congratulations Slim!

    As for the post, I wouldn’t call a woman wanting to talk through an issue as being emotional. Actually, I find that to be thoughtful, logical even. Thing is, we communicate differently, and neither way is wrong, illogical, or irrational. Now, a long drawn out conversation over something that can be solved with a few words is very inefficient, so I agree with that point. But then again, if all you want to do is get back to playing the new video game, then I think you can spare a few moments. lol.

    For me, I say whats bothering me once. No long drawn out convo. And, I don’t revisit it. I’ll do my part. After that, its all up to him…

    1. "For me, I say whats bothering me once. No long drawn out convo. And, I don't revisit it. I'll do my part. After that, its all up to him…"

      That's interesting. Personally, I think that's an ideal way to handle these types of situations. Unfortunately, there aren't a lot of women who are keen on solving or explaining what is going on in such a manner. I'm not saying they aren't capable of doing it. I'm saying that they either aren't aware of this approach or just aren't interested in utilizing it.
      My recent post Dudes Tryin’ to Score &amp; Get in the Endzone, Chicks Throwing Flags &amp; Got’em Stuck in the Friend Zone

  8. I agree with Hugh's comment in totality. So, in other news, Slim I'm so with you on the post coital spooning- give me 5-10 mins but when it's time to really go to sleep? Yeah, um, move.
    My recent post A New Fear

  9. Why is every thing talked about "a problem"? Sometimes, I like to discuss just for the sake of learning and analyzing. I am a Virgo, what can I say :).

    I get what you are saying Sir Slim. My talking it out allows me to analyze the entire situation. No XYZ for me, A-Z works better for me.

    I am a woman, not a man….respect that and learn how to efficiently deal with it without circumventing it. A relationship is a TEAM sport. Teams that WIN utilize and foster each member's strength. A losing team under utilize it's players natural abilities.

    I only use the one or two word sentences where they will have the greatest impact….in the bed.

    1. Uuum, THIS!

      "I am a woman, not a man….respect that and learn how to efficiently deal with it without circumventing it. A relationship is a TEAM sport. Teams that WIN utilize and foster each member's strength."

    2. As long as you know what works for you and your partner understands how you communicate, all is right with the world. Nothing for me to rebut here. I'd just add that people don't spend enough time in general understanding communication styles.
      My recent post Eff Em Friday

      1. "people don't spend enough time in general understanding communication styles. "

        True story. Part of that same team logic is realizing that one's partner needs things presented a certain way sometimes. When you truly understand how the other person communicates, it can save you some frustration, and also allows you to tweak your argument in a way as to yield the most favourable results.

        And sometimes, people's styles are just incompatible.

    3. "My talking it out allows me to analyze the entire situation. No XYZ for me, A-Z works better for me. "

      Team Virgo!!! Thats the way I am too.

  10. "We just wanna say “Okay, I get it. Won’t be an issue moving forward” and be done with it."

    Man, women really, seemingly, don't like to hear this as it comes across, as mentioned earlier, that we're not really listening or just want to plow through to end things. For me, I really do get it and when I say this I normally won't make it an issue going forward or what have you. However, I developed a compromise tactic that usually benefits both parties called, in it's techinical term, a "reflective probe".

    I'm sur e many are familiar with this term, especially if you're in sales. All you do is listen to the problem and then just repeat what she just told you back to her…but maybe use different adjectives and a well-timed metaphor for good measure. She'll be elated you understand and both move on with your life.

    1. Oh, I guess to take it a step further if she is really looking for a solution…and you really just want to get back to the game….just go into the "Feel, felt found" strategy. It's quick, easy and relative effective. i.e. "I FEEL/understand exactly what you're saying [insert reflective probe], and I FELT the same way before when something similar happened to me, but what I FOUND was that [enter logical solution]. Boom…done and done….all before the commercial break is over.

  11. I did calculus at school and college so to reduce a complex relationship to a simple math problem is just wrong 🙂 … Sometimes you need to get your point across and guys want you to be blunt which just doesn't suffice when you need to let the guy know what your feelings are about that issue. I prefer a guy to just listen and nod until I feel that I have said all I want to say. I talk when necessary and avoid conflicts at all costs coz I always make my feelings known accurately. Sometimes when you summarize too much you miss certain details, so an elaborate discussion is appropriate and men must accept this…

  12. Over the years I just learned to say – Babe I need your opinion/help with something / or You made me feel like… and get straight to it – unless he asks me something specifically. Otherwise I am just going to call one of my girls or work it out on my own. There is nothing worse than seeing his eyes glaze over in the midst of a story to just piss you off LOL

    1. "Babe I need your opinion/help with something / or You made me feel like.." see id actually respond to something like that…that's good stuff

  13. I think that what men don't seem to understand (although someone alluded to it upthread) is that women often talk things out as a means of working it out mentally. So, when we feel the need to express our thoughts and feelings to you in a crazily roundabout manner, it's often just that we're trying to figure out what exactly is going on in our own heads. At least that's how it is for me.

    I think a lot. Been accused of over-thinking things many a time. And if you're talking to me while I'm pondering an issue, you will be privy to all the angst that accompanies my thought-process. Worst thing in the world to do at that time is to try to offer a simplistic solution (the efficiency of men, my ass). If the simple solution was the best, I'd have already done that.

  14. I've once sent a guy a heart felt 5 page e-mail,pouring out my heart explaining exactly why I want us to break up and his response was "noted". From that one experience I deduced that men are blunt and prefer to summerise things instead of giving an elaborate explanation. Despite this coming across as cold and inedaquate I was able to comprehend exactly what he meant.

        1. MR. SD I resent that statement :P. I was really angered by his lack of empathy to my feelings and oblivious attitude. I just don't understand why men can be that cold and blunt.

        2. My bad miss Fly…I'll tell you this, I tried the empathy thing with my ex and it got me no where..i ended up being just as loony and she was…I just don't think men are conditioned for it..

        3. I get your point though…lol… the thing is men don't have to compromise who they are but acknowledging the persons feelings and just being responsive goes a long way. I don't expect a thesis or long essay, but a few words to show we on the same page goes a long way. Anyway I'm outta the game, after the infamous "noted" I had an epiphany and retired from dating. Got a puppy instead and he listens to me rant and rave and he barks back *good doggy*

        4. Well to be fair, more than likely after reading that 5 page break up….which probably skimmed through after he knew where it was going….he felt the best immediate response should be a short one. You know the old addage: If you have nothing nice to say then dont say it all, lol.

          In all reality, though, buddy probably was hurt and maybe he felt there is nothing to add to the conversation. Maybe he felt like he had no chance of salvaging the relationship so why try and prolong it the feeling further with more words….*shrugs*
          My recent post bruiser_ham: So the Patriots have beaten the Steelers 6 out of the last 7 , incl. playoffs..by 2 or more TDs *cranes head and stares at @ajrossWSYX6 *

        5. madscientist….I was 19 and this was my 2nd relationship. I obviously hadn't mastered the art of dumping a guy. Now at 21 I feel that I am better equiped to break up with someone in a graceful manner. Next time I will just write a paragraph instead of a 5 page e-mail. ..but hey you live and learn

        6. Or you could break up with him in person. Don't worry, I'm working on that too. Ideally, there'll be no breakup between me and the next guy. *crosses fingers and toes*

        7. Lol…NaijaSweetz, I am still trying to get to that point where I can break up with someone in person. I just can't do it **lame I know**

        8. Im saying tho Krys it gets no better then that…I think once after my ex wifee went on a 45min rant she ended it with a question and i was like “yea”..that was all I had to say..lol she went bananas for like another hr..lol

        9. Moral of the story….don't spill out your guts. If you're going to ask a closed-ended question then expect to get a closed-ended response (a "yes" or a "no"). Want a more elaborate response? Attempt to make the quesetion more open-ended, ya heard. lol.
          🙂

        10. An additional moral: If ya rant consist of a critical analysis of me and my issues (and its like the 3rd rant of our 6month old relationship), im blocking you the eff out!

        11. I would've went bananas too and apples and grapes too! I'm spilling out my heart and soul about why orange chicken is better than general tso's chicken, I expect the same passion and enthusiasm from you! How can we be on one accord if you don't even give any effort to the convo?

        12. Because im trying to watch the damn game, come back on a commercial break..once the 4th quarter is ova we can be on one accord, maximum, camry…whatever you like!

        13. "Because im trying to watch the damn game, come back on a commercial break..once the 4th quarter is ova we can be on one accord, maximum, camry…whatever you like!"

          This. A good question to ask is where were these questions before the game came on? I'm not saying a woman is wrong for doing that, if it is a serious relationship issue, then it needs to be discussed. But if you deliberately interrupt something you know I care about, when you could have easily came to me before the game started, I hope you see the irony in calling me selfish and understand why I'm a little distracted.

        14. You said it right there Mr. Jazz, its a test..

          something i care about (da game!) vs someone I care about (her), who's gonna win?!?!

        15. It can be one of two things:
          Chances are I've been trying to talk to you about it all day but you kept acting too busy. You're sitting on the couch now big chillin. Of course I want to approach you while you're looking content and relaxed.
          Or I know you love the game and I know you love me, so I'm just trying to double your pleasure and let you talk to your favorite person while the game plays in the background.

        16. This entire exchange has me cracking up! Sorry ladies, but I side with the guys on this one. As women, we need to practice working stuff out internally for a minute, find our inner calm and be patient instead of acting like the world is about to end if we don't TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW. I have a dramatic, long winded mother (I'm not sayin that all women are like this). I learned early (for my sanity, lol) to listen for key words and keep my responses heartfelt yet brief. Otherwise, I wouldn't have time to go out and play red light green light. I inherited mom's drama and used on many stages during theater performances.

        17. This is a violation of Woman Law Camille! You're supposed to always side with your sistren! Nah, I feel you. My grandmother was long winded too. She could put you to sleep if you're not careful so I understand being brief but sometimes we have to paint the whole picture even if we're doing it for ourselves. We don't want to leave any details out so we can make sure that he can come to a well-informed conclusion about the events.

        18. LOL! I'm on both sides I totally double pinky swear! I commented to Slim (scroll up toward the top of the comment section) that men's work in relationships is to be attentive and listen 🙂

        19. "This is a violation of Woman Law Camille! You're supposed to always side with your sistren!"

          See, that's why I stopped myself from posting that General Tso >>>>>> Orange Chicken. I hope you appreciate it!

        20. lol shame on you Camille siding with the men!!!…but I really think some issues need to be addressed. I had suppressed things for a while and when I wrote that e-mail I had reached my boiling point. I learnt that internalising issues can be very detrimental to a relationship.

        21. Gurl, you don't know my mamma. She made me like this, LOL! You're not alone. I commented to NinjaSweetz that one of my bff's sent a 7page letter to an ex. He actually read it and agreed with her on most of it and apologized for his faults in the relationship.

        22. Exactly, I realised that if I called him or talked to him, he'd become all defensive or just cave in. An e-mail would explain clearly what I felt and where I was without having to have a long drawn out argument. Anyway thats that…I was 19 and naive…

        23. I hate to break it to you, but you may not fully grow out of it. My mom still drops them notes from time to time. The length may change, but…..lol. And yes, the value of the written argument is that it allows you to address everything you feel i necessary.

        24. Co-sign, lol. What do you want? A 5-page letter back? If the conversation is that serious then I believe a phone call or a face to face is more appropriate. I wish I would receive a 5 page break up letter. What? Are you kidding me? You couldn't even call? Yeah…"noted" sounds like a good response to me. IJS.

        25. lol Larry thing is I was in a long distance relationship with him…problem is I didn't want to get into a conversation with him because he would have convinced me to change my mind… I wanted him to at least admit his flaws and maybe try and dispute the break up!!! Anyway he still managed to get me back 2 months later by just rocking up at my place and saying what I wanted to hear "you know I love you, stop this madness and take me back" …even a short response like that would have sufficed. But that cold one word answer was just mean and uncalled for!

        26. "I wanted him to at least admit his flaws and maybe try and dispute the break up!!!"

          you must not really understand men all that well.
          My recent post Holding It In

        27. No I don't understand them at all…hence my interest and curiosity in this blog 🙂 ….I think I will learn a thing or two from here. **sigh**

  15. Slim, LOL…this sounds like a page out of my bf's book, lol.

    I used to be a bit long-winded when I told stories…and he'd be quick to tell me after 15-20 mins, "You're losing me…where's the punchline", lol. After hearing that enough times, I got the point and I'm much better now.

    I now purposefully craft my verbal pleasure/displeasure in a manner that he can easily interpret, lol. Nothing wrong with details…you just gotta know when and where to place them in the conversation. Its a skill worth learning, ladies. It will take you further with the fellas. 😉

  16. If this is how you want to live, I’m okay with it. But if I ask you if you want to talk about whatever the issue is and you say no don’t get upset when I reach my own conclusion and follow through with it. Same thing if you act annoyed when I bring something up, I’m not going to want to bother you with my petty talk, I’ll just figure it out on my own and feel no need to explain it to you later. You missed the chance for that.

  17. However something that always seems to baffle me is that men can be really attentive and expressive when they want their way. For example when a guy is laying his game down he can be so eloquent, elaborate and expressive and doesn't use one word phrases to say what he wants or feels. In a way this seems to be selective, meaning guys choose when and when not to engage in discussions.

    1. Flywheel,

      Good addition to the discussion. 1 point of clarity. I'm not saying men don't care and don't wanna listen. I'm saying that the sooner we can get to the root of the problem, the better.

      I just came out of a long meeting that could've been 5 minutes, but it wandered all over the place and touched on things that weren't relevant to the issue at hand. It may not have appeared that way at the moment, but in retrospect it's obvious. And while sitting there, my mind wandered. That's what happens in a lot of long drawn out arguments too. We understand X is the problem. Y can be why we're discussing it. But let's not get lost along the way and forget about Z.
      My recent post Eff Em Friday

      1. Slim,
        I hear you, and I get the need for there to be a clear direction as to where the discussion is going but bear in mind women usually think about something long before they vocalise it. So by the time it falls on your (deaf) ears, its been brewing in her inner belly and the responses we usually get is undesired. Another thing to consider is that women use more words to express an idea as opposed to men who selectively make their sentences short and concise when they want. But I'm learning that men dnt appreciate long drawn arguments…lol…but a "noted" just doesn't cut it…that ain't a Z but fuel being added to a fire that'll take a while to put out 🙂

  18. It's funny this post came today. I've been having drama with one of my girlfriends the past few days and I poured my heart out to the current man in my life last night. Mind you I went into complete detail, gave him the back story and relevant anecdotes as well. When I finished the long story, his response was "Aww I'm sorry babe. Well let's talk about something else that I know will make you feel better." O_O

    Thats all? I lowkey was ready to be upset and feel unsupported (is this a word?) but I let it rock, and I ended up feeling better. Small wonders… This was really last night though, so crazy.

    1. It appears that what you needed the most was to vent, which is fair. To his credit, he let you finish, appeared at least somewhat empathetic and wanted to get you to a better place asap. Sometimes, the other person just doesn't know what to say…and/or they don't want to trivialize it by letting you know they don't see what the big deal is.

    2. I think it helps if we tell them what we expect from the conversation up front.

      "My feelings were very hurt when you did (insert current offense here)…and I honestly feel like you owe me an apology or, if I've misinterpreted something, please clarify what your intentions were".

      Or, specific to your example…

      "I'm having a tough time with my girlfriend and I'd like a male perspective regarding how I may be able to resolve our issues" or "hear me out and then let me know if I'm over-reacting or on target with how I feel".

      That saves us the trouble of not having our silent expectations met. 😉

  19. another thing…

    I think a lot of women think men aren't capable of understanding them, so they need these drawn out convos so they can properly explain their point. And, I think women are more thoughtful, so we're always considering the best way to say something in order to minimize any argument from our man, and so we add extraneous words, and launch into a type of soliloquy with many commas, but no periods, hoping that he understands the issue, but also understand that we love him and want the best. I think men hear what they want to hear, and they understand what they want to understand, and disregard the rest. However, men have to be careful not to disregard their partners feelings on the quest to logical, rational, and efficient conversation. You can be logical with dry nuts, but what's the fun in that?

      1. I think its obligation. If I'm not in a relationship I'm not obligated to her problem. Its literally her problem. If its wifee then its our problem.. Its like Mr. Spradley always says "its not your issue or my issue its us against the issue", but I think sometimes we (us men) don't want to partake in carrying that weight…its the single man's mentality we carry while in relationships..

        1. "its not your issue or my issue its us against the issue" ahhh…music to my ears. d-_-b
          Mr Spradley clearly sees the bigger picture…if theres an issue that needs addressing in a relationship its of utmost importance that the issue is addressed and solved and not sidelined for a game on tv or a night out with the boys 🙂

        2. I feel you Mizz Fly..and I agree with Mr. Spradley, but there are times throughout the course of a relationship where a female will go into a specific issue, lets take the " i cant stand the B^tches I work wit debacle yall are known for ". This will literally drive me nuts, like literally nutso! Its a never ending rant that I'll never understand..I get that at the end of the day its our problem but I've never figured out how to "understand" and not "fix" this issue of "ours"…

          How would you accept empathy for this solution? what would work?

        3. MR. SD, those " i cant stand the B^tches I work wit debacle yall are known for " are the very hings that we just need to VENT about. Just listen. It's not so much that it needs a solution but we just need to release it so that we won't go to work and go postal on said B*tches.

        4. So you sayin sit there shake my head and agree and you good? If I do this will you come back with the same rant next week? and should I continue to shake and agree?..lol

        5. Whatever it takes MR. SD, because when I get that off my chest, I'll be better able to deal with my surroundings (know what I'm saying).

          IF I come back next week, it's a continuation to the rant….therefore, it's additional details you didn't hear the last time…pay attention because if you throw something out there that shows you were listening…YOU WIN THE GRAND PRIZE!!! ding ding ding….lol

        6. Well I will speak for myself being a women who is in the engineering field, I am in an environment infested with alpha males so I don't have b^tches I can't stand however I have to deal with pompous males with fragile egos lol but I'd never complain about something so trivial. I do expect his attention on more serious issues though, MR. SD the question you just posed would apply for a certain catagory of women. And in such a situation you would need to make it clear to your woman that you really don't want to entertain such discussions…and if I was in that situation I'd expect my man to look me in the eye and say "baby don't stress about those girls, they just jealous.." and give me a long passionate kiss and make me forget about what I was complaining abt lol

        7. Aww sookie wookie, now we talkin..lol I tried that wit an ex tho and it never worked..but I feel you

          sidbar – dont be knocking us techie dudes cuz we gotta big egooooo such a big egooooooo (kanye voice)..lol

  20. I’m a little late to this convo, but since its a warmed over version of a tired meme, I’ll just ask this. I’m sure you know women communicate differently. Always have, always will. You can complain or ask why and spark a Mars/Venus discussion. But why do you feel the need to insult women? Is the added veiled derogatory label necessary or productive? Does it make your d*ck hard when you beat your chest and say “you woman stupid because you not man”? I’m curious. Wondering what you get out of it. Especially cause, as a meme, its tired.

    1. Oh, I forgot. Before you decide to write about the senseless way women communicate, check out the brain. Women are SUPERIOR at communication. Biological fact. Note the fact that your male brain cannot handle the complexity and nuance of female communucation, and learn some respect before you get on your keyboard to spout some simple azz man low level man logic. That is all. As Fantasia said…I had to take it there, cause Im tired….

      1. Honestly, you don't know me as person. You didn't have to read the post. You didn't have to comment, but you did. Regardless of you what you're saying to me right now, I still moved you to take an action. I'm not gonna get into it with you over this post or go through my catalog of writing to disprove the shots at my writing and my character. And by the way, I'm tired too. I'm tired of comments that derail discussions. I'm tired of negativity. I'm tired of people getting upset when it isn't Cater to You TV and a box of chocolates.

        Miss me with your slow jabs of negativity and have a nice weekend. I'm not replying to or reading anything else you have to say on this thread. Thanks.
        My recent post Eff Em Friday

        1. Ok, now that I've reread, I think I should clarify. I am neither attacking your writing or your character. Like you said, I don't know you. What I am saying is, in order to have a discussion about how women and men can communicate more effectively, given the different styles, it is not productive to begin the discussion by insinuating one style is inherently better than the other. That shows disrespect and is also negativity. What am I talking about specifically?

          "Men are known for being rational, logical, and efficient while the fairer sex is known for…well, not being so rational, logical, and efficient", " Y is the extraterrestrial nonsense, emotion, filler opinion, banter and booty chatter"

          My recent post Missing Anthony

        2. This is how you began the conversation. With your basic "Man smart, Woman stupid" premise. Which is old and tired, and overused. Aside from being plain wrong. Then you got to the productive part. "While your thoughts, feelings, and emotional tirades are important to us, we’d prefer that you…"

          The introductory insult was unnnecessary and disrespectful and negative. The second part could have stood on its own. If you consider that "Cater to You TV" then that is another issue. But if we are talking about communicating effectively, I'm saying that a little respect starting off would help.
          My recent post Missing Anthony

    2. "Women are SUPERIOR at communication. Biological fact. …learn some respect before you get on your keyboard to spout some simple azz man low level man logic."

      Men are SUPERIOR at logic. Biological fact.

      1. Logic is merely a system of rules, like chess, or the matrix. It is limited and does not encompass the universe of truth. If you stay in the matrix and insist you know better when you are speaking to someone who’s been outside, you are talking nonsense.

        1. First, communication is limited as well. Second, the matrix of emotion and the matrix of communication isn't much different than the matrix of logic. Third, what do you mean "someone who's been outside"? Are you suggesting men don't have emotions at all?

          Communication, emotion and logic are all tools, and tools are limited. Hammers work great at pounding nails, not so well at sawing lumber. You need both. That's why men and women make a good team together.

  21. Sidebar for Slim….

    This >>>>>>"Cheating is a band-aid approach to mending a broken ego, taming insecurity, and blowing air into a deflated self esteem." <<<<<< wins QUOTE OF THE DAY!

    GREAT article… 🙂

  22. this is funny. the salt thing… okay i'll give you that one. lol. good post.

    i think we just don't feel like men truly understand what we're trying to communicate sometimes, and the glazed over eyes and disinterested demeanor only tell us that we need to explain further. lol. paying attention for 15 minutes and expressing that you not only "get it" but actually CARE about making us feel better, would solve a lot of these headaches.

    i feel in a relationship, if he has a issue/problem, then we have a problem, and i want to make it better. men seem to think if she has an issue, then she just has the issue, and so they expend the minimal amount of energy to make it go away. i've never seen a man be short-worded about an issue he brought up, like ever. if a man is in his feelings about something, there is no time limit. it will be fleshed out and thoroughly explained until you understand exactly how not to stir those feelings again.

    smh. men. lol
    My recent post Sliding Doors: Part VIII

  23. Ya know, I know you'll never fully understand us… hell, we'll never fully understand ya'll. I think we put so much emphasis on ya'll understanding us because it's dayum near impossible to fully understand emotions. While it may not be a piece of cake to get logic, at least there is SOME concrete way to get to a solution. With emotions? Nawl…. there's these ups and downs, lefts and rights, loop-de-loop… that's why they sometimes call it a rollercoaster.

    "While your thoughts, feelings, and emotional tirades are important to us, we’d prefer that you figured out why you’re feeling the way you feel, explained to us briefly the underlying reasons and the impact, then told us what you’d like us to do to decrease the likelihood of incurring future wrath and lost time."

    While this may be ideal (and I totally get why), how would we do that if we don't understand ourselves sometimes? Sometimes we need that outside prospective. And I think that goes with anyone going through thangs… when you're IN it… like going through it… it's a clouded mess. And you need someone with clear glasses to see through it.

    1. This gets into how a conversation is brought up. If you ask me for my perspective and say you're gonna tell me the whole story so that nothing gets missed, I'm going to listen because the expectation has been set. If you just come at me and start off with an issue and I have no idea where the conversation is going, that's when I'll start looking at the map. Great comment though. Truth throughout.
      My recent post Eff Em Friday

  24. Good post. Let me add to the Friday nerd out tho *puts on physicist hoodie*:

    Expecting a woman to not overdose on salt violates the Conservation of Energy if a woman does what she considers "keeping quite" on certain issues. There's a point where she'll just blowup. The explosion is proportional to how much she how long and how much she stayed quite on AND the interaction between those withheld feelings integrated over time.

    The intensity of the effect on a man is inversely proportional to his emotional distance R (coulomb's law). So… To find the total effect (read: flux) of the emotional outburst at a specific guy at emotional distance R (gauss' law), we have to integrate. We rightly assert consider her to be a point source of emotion so the intensity is equal in every direction (spherical). Now… A guy isn't a zero thickness body in space. We are solid bodies. Therefore some of the intensity we'll absorbed, some will pass through us. Every guy has their own unique attenuation constant and the amount he absorbs is proportional to that. (Beer's law). Yes, beer's law… Coincidence? I don't think so…

    WIM called dealing with a emotional outburst of a woman akin to "defusing a bomb with a pair of oven mittens." #truth

    Rather than a plate full of salt later, I'd rather a dash on the regular. At least I'll know when/what to expect. Otherwise that ish happens at the absolute worst times. BUT I also notice that women call themselves "keeping quiet" for using bogus reasoning, (i.e. He can't handle _____ ). What we can't handle is someone acting out of pocket when things could've been discussed and solved before it reached critical mass. You might get yourself ignored…
    My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

    1. "Rather than a plate full of salt later, I'd rather a dash on the regular. At least I'll know when/what to expect."

      Since I started addressing my issues as they come up, I've had nothing to essayfully rant about. This goes for general interactions, and I can only imagine that the same would apply to relationships.

      PS: I hate Physics.

  25. i don't know if anyone has said this but this is more algebra than calculus. perhaps geometry if you labeled the different points x, y and z.

    with that said. i'm all about x's and more x's. lets get straight to the point.
    My recent post Holding It In

      1. this is true. lol i was tempted to provide an metaphorical example of how men and women differ using cell signaling cascades but i feared it might go over people's heads.
        My recent post Holding It In

        1. I liked the geometry metaphor. Lets throw in a mapquest/navigation metaphor as well. I can appreciate the fastest route in the shortest ammount of time.

  26. I also agree with you HJ! I live in LA where the professional therapy business is booming. I'm sure most men would love to send their women to therapy so they can talk it out on the couch and come home peaceful.
    PS
    Does it make be a bad friend that I want some of my GF's to go to therapy so that when we hang out I don't have to hear the blah, blah, blah ALL the time? 🙂

  27. Always enjoy reading your posts, Slim. They are truly insightful into what Black men think. I studied psychology in school, and I can vouch for the fact that men and women are truly wired to think differently. I think that the balance truly comes when we can realize that fact and still try to work together through our differences.

    I once tried to explain to an ex that sometimes when I was ranting I didn't need him to offer a solution, just to listen…he didn't really seem to understand that, which is why I guess he is an ex and I need to work on finding other ways to "vent" that don't necessarily have to include the significant other, unless it is a major issue concerning our relationship. Nice post!
    My recent post Do You Have Standards…or Delusions of Grandeur?

    1. Thanks for the comment. I think you should be able to vent to your significant other. It's just that there's a time and place for everything. Any man that wants to keep his boopiece should know he has to listen to the vents sometimes. Because if she's not venting to him, she's venting to somebody else…and I don't just mean a homegirl.
      My recent post Eff Em Friday

      1. Co-sign this in its entirety. The latter part may not start out that way, but once a man with a willing ear presents himself? Danger, Will Robinson.

  28. Slim, although WildCougar was a bit too negative about it, I also felt it was unnecessary to start off by bashing all women for being illogical and inefficient. The rest of the post was pretty good and on-point, although I think all men have times when they need to rant as well, they just don't care to admit it. In general in a relationship you always have to find good ways to communicate. Often men are horrible listeners, which is a skill they need to develop. However, I have a male friend who *actually* listens to me and it's amazing cause he's the only person I know (male or female) who WILL remember that story I told about my pet hamster who died when I was 12. So it's not genetic, it's learned. As is most of our behaviour.

    Personally, I pride on being a good listener. I think it is highly inconsiderate to tune out, for whatever reason, and I will definitely get pissed off if you don't listen. But I'm smart enough not to come to you when you're playing Call of Duty. Just like you won't come talk to me when I'm watching badminton. 😀

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