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How Do You Stay in Love?

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This week we get a Single Black Mail message where a reader asks a poignant question about love and relationships:

This is a subject I would like your opinions on: I watched Love Jones over the weekend and a scene that I never paid much attention to stood out to me for the first time, (and I’ve seen Love Jones literally 10 times). The scene was the one at the party where Larenz Tate’s friend Isaiah Washington who plays Savon is questioned and looked at sideways for not bringing his wife but another woman instead to Sheila’s party. Savon says to Darius “anybody can fall in love, falling in love ain’t sh**. But somebody please tell me how to stay there. Do I love my wife? Hell yes. Is she here? Hell no!” I realized that what he said is absolutely true. Unfortunately relationships (and marriages) nowadays don’t have much staying power and can’t withstand the test of time. So what’s your opinion on this? Can you comment on how to “stay in love”?

A few things concerned me when reading this letter. First off, is this the first time that you’ve watched Love Jones?! Seriously, if you are of African-American descent, we may have to place you under probation. That has to be at least 6 points on your black card! Seriously though, this raises a great question. To understand how to stay in love,  you would first have to understand love. What is love? To some it’s steak and blow job. To others, it’s money. Some find love in the confines of family. Even a few people have this pop into their head when they think of love’s definition:

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httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SpwK3vFGJp0

I make these points to say that the definition of love is a post in itself, and we would be here until the cows come home. So let’s assume we all deal with a general definition of love for the sake of this post. So how do you stay in love? Let me talk through this and see if I can make a case to you, the readers and to myself.

Remember how you got here.

Sometimes in the whole courting game, dating game, and relationship game, we forget what attracted us to our significant others in the first place. We forget those qualities that we hold necessary in a boyfriend or girlfriend, which our current SO/Spouse exhibited throughout the life of our unions. Life happens, and, we get caught up, so it isn’t a problem. We just have to learn to re-appreciate our SO’s. It’s Human to forget, but it’s a better practice to refresh your memory.

Keep the relationship fresh.

Nothing stales feelings between 2 people more than monotony. We’ve all heard stories from couples who used to live exciting lives and now abhor the predictability of their relationships. I’m not saying that you need to visit Morocco every month to spice up your relationship, but you should always make it interesting. Plan to have new experiences periodically. Go to different restaurants. Travel together! You owe it to each other to keep the fire burning, and you have no one to blame but yourselves if that fire burns dimly.

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If you have to force yourself to stay in love, you have a major issue.

This was my first thought when I read the question. Why do you have to look for a way to stay in love? Why isn’t it coming natural to you anymore? Are you looking for the nostalgia of yesteryear or are you scared of the unknown and unwilling to face your circumstances? These are tough questions you have to ask yourself and answer honestly before you look for ways to stay in love. Love is complicated, but love never forces you to stay anywhere you don’t need to be. You still have a choice, and whether or not you let love cloud your vision, is what will determine your relationship future. Will you dwell in the mediocrity of comfort, or liberate yourself from a familiar evil? Proper analysis of the life cycle of your relationship is necessary in order to determine whether the love is shrouded, or gone altogether. Once you do that, then staying in love shouldn’t be an issue. If you still have questions about the love, then maybe you question your current status more than how to retain an emotion

Readers, chime in and lend the reader a helping hand. Feel free to critique my assessment (like I had to ask you)

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StreetZ

Admin Note: #TheEbook is finally here! Streetztalk.net and Type iLL Media & Entertainment Present: Fly On The Wall. Click the cover to Download and Discuss!

Comment(76)

  1. Phew. Thank goodness I'm AfricanCanadian and don't have to face possible suspension of my black card. As the years go by, it's looking even less likely that I'll ever watch that movie.

    I think you offered up some good words. I can't say that I've been in love, so I'll just leave it at that. I will say, though, that a lot of people supposedly fall out of love without having made any significant effort to keep the flame alive. Generally speaking, they equate love with fluttery feelings in their stomachs and get antsy when they disappear. That doesn't just hold true for women, by the way.

  2. uggg I guess i'm on Black probation again!

    I think that many resolutions to staying in love have been talked about before on this site. I think that people need to realize love is not easy. People seem to think of marriage as just love but its also an economic and social agreement. Treat it as such. When most people get divorced they don't site the number one reason as "we are not in love any more". The site cheating, lack of communication, money problems, etc. Better money management can mean less arguments about money and more conversations about things that will keep the spark. Thats just one issue though..
    My recent post MissRepresentation

  3. Considering that Love Jones came out when I was like 11 or 12 years old, I don't know that I was all that interested in it. I'm not 100% positive that I've seen it, because I confuse it a lot with Poetic Justice for some reason. =/ *kanyeshrug* Oh well, I'll just hold on firmly to my beige card since my black card is under review…
    But anyway, I'd say that's a good list there. Remember how you got here is crucial. That realization not only refreshes the relationship, but can tell you a lot about yourself as well. Many of the qualities that attracted me to my first love were very superficial ones. Seven years into our relationship, the good looks and charm by themselves weren't enough. [I'm only slightly less shallow, but at least I know I need substance, too]. I would add that one needs to Recognize that people change. All changes aren't bad, and rarely do people change overnight. When someone states that the reason their relationship failed was that their SO was not the same person they met, I'm always confused. I highly doubt that anyone is exactly as they were at the beginning of a relationship, and having that expectation is a bit unrealistic. I would hope that they changed for the better. If not, verbalize your concerns before it's too late. Also, as Maya Angelou once said, "when someone shows you who they are, believe them." Without getting into that too much, stop expecting/hoping/wishing for things to change.
    This is getting long and I'm venturing toward another topic entirely, so as for the other things on Streetz' list, I'll just say that I'm always trying to create great memories in my relationships. When my SO thinks about the memorable moments in his life, I want to have been a part of those moments.
    Loving someone isn't always easy, but the fact that you are in love is why you'll put in the work.
    My recent post What Happened?? The Men of Generation Y

      1. If you were in High School in '97 (I was 16), you have no excuse, lol. Any younger than that, alright…fine. Watch it now, lol…

        1. What if you were in college in '97 and have not seen "Love Jones" nor have any interest in seeing it? Does my black card get revoked?

        2. *scims the rules*

          Iono…

          I mean, I'd say yes but…you may want to call a jury in for this, lol…

    1. "Many of the qualities that attracted me to my first love were very superficial ones."

      Like how his du-rag matched his forces that matched his tux? LOL! (sorry…I had to *inside*)

    2. "When someone states that the reason their relationship failed was that their SO was not the same person they met, I'm always confused."

      I can explain it.

      Small things change (personality quirks, looks, etc) = you adapt and grow.

      Big things change (philosophies, values, etc.) = possibly the end.
      My recent post Embracing the Spinning, A Revelation

  4. i usually lurk…but i wanted to contribute to this discussion…

    yes…staying in love is hard. its the thing that makes relationships difficult. im going thru something like this now with my fiance. i love her/am in love with her…but sometimes i wonder if that is enough to build and sustain a life together. i guess time will tell.

    good post streetz

  5. I Love Love Jones (I was maybe 7 when it came out lol)

    (Im going to take a stab at this one, I could be completely off)

    I dont think its so much about how to stay in love as much as its how to love as a foundation to fix the problems in your relationship. The love you have for your partner should fuel you to do better. Like the guy said he was still in love with his wife, I think he just ran out of patience and was angry about a problem that him or her did’nt know how to fix. It takes way more than love to stay in a relationship.

    1. SMilez_920 yes it sure does take way more than love to stay in a relationship. However I believe that the love you have for that person should be the glue that holds it together and the driving force behind all that you do.
      Goes back to love being unconditional.

  6. I'll be late for this…

    Most people fall in love and think that raw talent alone will keep them there. I always go back to this example of a house because it applies so much. If you move into a house and don't do anything else, that house will deteriorate and will be inhabitable. Love is just like that house. You will have to clean it, fix it, and have it maintenanced at times. Your house won't be perfect, it will have its imperfections, and at times, you may look at another house and wish that your house had something another had, but it's not your house. Your house, your love, is just that, it's yours, it's going to have sentimental value, but don't forget that you need to work very hard to maintain it.

    For me I look at love in seasons, not the actual seasons, but just periods of evaluation. There is a time for cleaning, which is taking an introspective look at what's going on in my love that needs to go. This may be letting go of something that happened in the last year, that I've been unwilling to forgive and move past. There is a time for spending time within that love, the holiday season. It's when i'll spend more time in my love than I will trying to get out on the daily grind that takes me away from my love. There is a time for family vacation, which is when we need to get away together and enjoy our love together without the distractions of our responsibility at home. And there's also the harvest, when we set a goal, we reach it, and take time to enjoy that goal.

    All that to say, you just have to keep working and keep working. When you lose the desire to keep working, you're not in love anymore.
    My recent post My First Blog (The Final post on The Book of Jackson)

    1. * passes the collection plate to the right *

      THIS RIGHT HERE! Dr. J, this is the BEST relationship comment I've ever read from you. Awesome! I need to share this with a bunch of people…all kinds of wisdom in there. Fabulous!

    2. I agree Dr. J and like the house analogy. I believe that many times people get lazy and tired of doing the work to "keep up the house" and what was once viewed as an asset and a beautiful thing as years go by and what needs to be done to keep the house in order increases it becomes a liability and a pain in the azz.
      Even though you may lose the desire to keep working and not be "In Love", as long as you still have a strong enough love for the person I believe people can stay together.

    3. Obviously I'm REALLY late on this, but I wanted to comment:

      To me, it's not so much about the maintenance, redecoration, etc. Yes, those are necessary too, but they're only reactive ways to fix a problem. If you're proactive in the way you seek out a significant other, then the bond/foundation the two of you build together in the beginning will be strong enough to withstand a strong gust of wind every now and then.

      Most people get so caught up in the projections of their new significant other when going into a new relationship that they neglect to really, really, REALLY get to know the person– their wants, needs, goals, sense of humor, philosophy / approach to life, upbringing, past relationships, life experiences that have shaped that person into who they are, and what they want out of their relationship with you. Once you have a real understanding of who your partner is and what you both expect out of the relationship, you already know what your objectives are when problems arise and it's easier to go through them.

  7. I'm waiting for some of the married people to show up and comment.

    In the meantime, I'll say the key thing is to keep in mind that things definitely will change. There is no might. You are not the same person you were ten years ago, nor the person you will be ten years from now. So anticipating the changes and remembering what brought you together is key.

    Also, people have to keep in mind things are going to slow down. You aren't going miniature golfing and eating at Chez Whitey every weekend, like when you first started dating. Serious relationships and marriage (I presume) is about stability, not excitement. Many people are ready to jump ship with things get dull.

  8. Not to sound too cynical, but i feel people fall in love with being in love. In my opinion, falling in love aint ish, all it takes is strong attraction, compatibility, emotional availability and some Diddy mindf***ing. However love doesn't always mean successful relationships. I still have a great deal of love for certain exes however i know its in my best interest to leave it at just that, most people should but will not. When it gets to the point of "BUT i love them" i feel thats an issue on its own.
    My recent post ItzTrizz617: LMAO at this Jamie Foxx show episode…show was mad funny before they got him n Fancy together

    1. Some don't realize that a relationship requires you like the other person, not just love them! It is possible to Love but not Like, with the problem being that liking who you're with is more important than loving who you're with.

      When people state they still love their ex but can't get back together with them, that means they fell out of like.

    2. Tristan you make a great point also. Many times people are in love with love and the "idea" of being in love and having someone there. Just like folks are infatuated with the idea of being married and many women are infatuated with the wedding more than the marriage.
      I believe that in order to stay with someone and love them through any and everything you have to be of a certain mindset and have a certain mentality. I think everyone is capable of this kind of love, they just don't want to love like this because it requires so much sacrifice and compromise.

      1. Oh and I know I'm a day late Streetz but congrats on your E-book. Now when is the hardback version going to be in the book stores so I can read it and where are you starting your book signing tour?

  9. The analogies here are wonderful. Each time someone else's mate tries to Mack me, I'll send them this via email. I think it will help them remember who will do te one thing that staying in loves does and the one thing that's prevalent in the movie. Who is gonna put up with your B****hit more than anyone, including your momma? Someone who loves you. And plans on nit going anywhere. I am a values person, not always a morals person (depends on what's my mood and attitude) and I can honestly say that I don't cheat or lie with confidence. The ability in my opinion to stay in love is the same drive, determination and commitment one staves throughout a lifetime to achieve success at something. Just like finishing school or what used to be staying at the same job to retirement, developing ones values in a relationship yo see through what you started is essential to staying in love. Sex, excitement, money, whatever are merely the tools and ingredients one uses as substance abuses to declare support in their crack-headed attempt to justify their failure to done thing they never had the courage or the stamina to stay faithful to in the first place. I say this bec I hear it each time I meet done divorcee who claims their ex was responsible for their relationship failing and it's my stock and trade answer to this who embrace being dingle as I have all my life and still do. Fir that I say, don't mess up our faithful commitment to our choice not to mess up someone else's life with your waffly values that exhibit in your waffly morals. Leave the waffly morals to us singles who know we like to do the things that can answer our commitment question of "and this is why I never got married".

  10. Love is truly a choice. You choose to love your children even if they steal from you or become crack heads. YOU may dislike them when they do those things, but you don't just toss them out the door. Even some parents allow their brains to override the chemical bond they have with children. Therefore, love cannot be solely contingent on the chemicals that biologically bond parents with their children. It is the same way with loving your spouse. The chemicals released during s3x help, but ultimately you have to CHOOSE to love your spouse…daily.
    Most people will not see it like this because marriage has become a fairy tale. Most won't even get what I am saying because they see marriage as something that is "optional". Although most would agree that having companionship and s3x is not optional. Marriage used to be looked at with the utmost respect and therefore treated with such. Your husband/wife was just as important in the equation as the children and it used to devastating to even think about divorce. Our grandparent’s marriages worked because ultimately it was not solely based on feelings. Because feelings ebb and flow, a relationship CANNOT survive the fickle thing we call our hearts. Wanting to stay in love is just as simple as choosing to hold your family together despite the ups and downs that WILL come.

    What’s funny to me is that although most men consider a person being lead by their emotions as 'weak', they are the main ones ready to jump ship based on how they feel (emotions).

    Loving someone is choosing to put your higher self at risk. When you find yourself not wanting to love your mate, something is not right and should be addressed right away. The problem with some relationships is that people allow things to fester instead of communicating. How can you hold your SO accountable for something you didn't give them a chance to fix? Then you have the moments in your relationship that seem boring….ok…so…DO something about it! Any relationship will get dull if you press repeat daily.

    If we keep defining love as this fleeting feeling, we MISS the true definition of LOVE because it is a verb not a noun. Verbs require ACTION and are not left of to chance.

    1. I like your comment: "Your husband/wife was just as important in the equation as the children and it used to devastating to even think about divorce."

      @PaulCBrunson often asks on Twitter and in Essence for people to find marriage icons, find people who make it work through thick and thin. You'd be surprised how lacking we are in examples. Most people cite the Cosby's, but well… they are fictional.

      I think the problem is, and is exemplified in the recent Kim K divorce, how easy people seek divorce as a solution. What every happened to counseling? Or making it work? When don't have very many examples of forever nowadays.
      My recent post War in me

      1. justlissen I think Kim K's marriage was all for show. She knew good and hell well she wasn't really feelin that dude from the gate.
        I think because her sisters have men and Chloe is married and Kourtney has a baby she felt left out and is in competition with her sisters.
        A true "hollywood marriage" is what that was.

    2. Brilliant! I think this should be taught to kids (pre-teen and up). There should be a class for those who don't learn this in their family settings. People become adults having to get this on the back end.

      1. "People become adults having to get this on the back end. " Exactly Camille. Therein lies reason number 9 why people suck at relationships and don't stay together.

  11. Call me cynical. But staying married is simple. You just stay. You’re unhappy? Stay. Not in love? Stay. He/She treats you bad? Stay. He/She cheats? Stay. Hate your spouse? Stay. Fall in love with someone who gives you what you’re not getting at home? Stay. Staying in love? Uh……get ready to engage in self delusion, cause that’s what being in love is. Like suspension of disbelief to enjoy a bad movie. You will fall out of love. If you believe your union is worth it regardless of how you feel, you love actively. You choose to love based on faith alone. And that is the holy grail of being human.

  12. Welp…outside of Dr. J's fabulous response, I only have this to add:

    1. How you spend/enjoy your down time together should be a real indicator of staying power. If you can't make something out of the nothingness going on, forever is gonna feel like a very long, slow process. If you spend most of your down time apart…you in one room, him in another, stalling is inevitable.

    2. Love is a choice…but you best use wisdom to choose who you will love. It isn't wise to think that you can simply chose to love anybody…and that will be enough. Know yourself and what you're needs are. Realistically assess whether or not you can meet the deep, essential needs of your partner…and whether or not he/she can do the same for you. Then chose.

    1. To add clarity to #1… this should be assessed during the dating/relationship phase. But, you'd be surprised how many people get married without this piece in tact. Someone said it upthread…you really need to "like" your partner…"like" is less fickle than "love".

  13. I’m not a die hard fan of Love Jones but my favorite line from the movie is after Lorenz Tate performs, when they are sitting in the booth talking about love, he states: “When people that have been together for a long time say the romance [insert love] is gone, what they’re really saying is that they’ve exhausted the possibility”.

    It baffles me how we can logically assume that to achieve success in life it requires diligence and determination, but we don’t take that same approach when it comes to love and relationships. We are so quick to change, adapt, sacrifice for our ambition, but hesitate in making those same decisions to maintain balance with the one who loves us. Most of us say that we are actively looking for love and commitment, but are you really ready for it? Can you handle all that it entails?

    I think that’s when love fade and loyalty/stability become more important. Feelings are fluid, but when you take the stance that you are devoted for the long hall, you realize that love becomes the umbrella under which you house your dedication to someone else.

  14. YAY for the e-book!

    Good points. I especially agreed with this We just have to learn to re-appreciate our SO’s.

    I was in love… once in my life. And that failed. Slowly, Surely was written just for me. Sister Jill be knowing. don't really have much to add here, other than to co-sign the points in the blog, and the points in the comments.

    My recent post My Love Is Like…

  15. Hey Streetz,

    Thanks for posting and responding to my topic/question. Now getting down to "bidness", pump ya brakes on revoking my black card (and yes I'm black)….*smile* If you reread my original post you will see that I said I have seen Love Jones literally 10 times and in fact I put it in parentheses. Love Jones is like one of my all time favorite movies. However, I never paid much attention to that particular scene that I spoke of until that day the last time I saw it.
    It was that scene that gave me the idea to pose the question here.
    Now please retract that diss and gimme back my black card immediately! Thank you….*smile*

  16. A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person.
    – Mignon McLaughlin
    Commitment – “Commitment is doing the thing you said you would do long after the mood you said it in has left you.” Jeff Olson, author of the Slight Edge
    I believe these 2 things mentioned in these quotes are the foundations and roots for staying together.
    I think many folks are clueless about what "Real Love" really is. I'm talking about the biblical kind of love that is discussed in the bible. The kind that God has for us, that he wants us to have for him, and the kind that we should have for one another. That is "Real 100% Pure Love" The bible says love is patient and kind and should be everlasting.
    This is the root of the problem right here. Nowadays not many people know how to love like that. Folks don't know how to give and receive love on that level. Therefore love becomes a fleeting and conditional thing and it becomes impossible to stay with anyone "forever" because we can't love on the level that we

    1. I love that quote… I used to fall in love over and over with my ex. She would do things that would make me fall ever so deeply again… Thanks Bree for this quote…

  17. should and with the depth of love that we should have in order to stay together.
    True personal story – My grandmother (God rest her soul) died of Alzheimers disease. To me it's the worst disease in the world because there is no cure for it but whats more it destroys your brain cells and your mind. You lose every faculty and ability to think and use your brain and you lose your memory and become a faint shadow of the person you used to be. And the entire family and all the loved ones suffer as well as the person with the disease because it is a heartbreaking thing to see someone you love who your used to seeing have it all together slowly fall apart and crumble.
    The thing I admire most about my grandfather is how he treated my grandmother throughout her ordeal with alzheimers. He kept her home for as long as he could. He paid for nurses around the clock when he had to and made sure she had the best care. When she cried and was depressed because she could no longer use the bathroom on her own and had to wear adult diapers he wiped and kissed her tears and told her he still loved her, would never leave her and that she was still beautiful. He constantly reassured her that everything would be alright and she didn't have to worry.
    My grandmother became like a 2 year old and had to be fed, changed, bathed, and clothed. Prior to her wearing the adult diapers she would mess herself and soil the bed and her clothes, bedpans and portable pottie buckets had to be discarded and cleaned. My grandfather did all of these things for my grandmother and never complained and never made her feel bad about him having to do it. In addition to taking care of my grandmother when family and day nurses were gone he also raised me. I lost my mom when I was 10 yrs old and some of my grandmothers symptoms started when I was about 11 or 12 years old.
    I shared this story to say that the way my grandfather cared for and treated my grandmother is what love really is to me.
    Hell yeah its a lot of work and that was a lot to go through and deal with, but the point is if you really love someone you love them through the fire and through any and everything and you stick with them.
    Part of love is Commitment. So when you love someone you commit to being there for them and with them through it all….drug problems, alcohol abuse, sexual dysfunctions and all.
    I personally know people who have been married well over 15 years. They have been through some damn rough times. They have been through miscarriages, cheating, some abuse even, alcohol problems among other things. But they honored their commitment to each other and stayed. As Wild Cougar said, simply put you stay with the person through Everything…the good, the bad and the ugly.
    Of course this isn't easy, but it is doable. Folks do it all the time and for many many years.
    Granted sometimes people get with and marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons. I'm not saying you should stay with a person who is totally wrong for you and extremely abusive on the regular.
    However, I don't many people who could do what my grandfather did and stick with my grandmom through all of those things.
    Many people can't stick with a spouse who is sickly, who has cancer, or has some type of accident that permanently damages them in some way.
    For examply Daryl "Chill" Mitchell was paralyzed in his late 20's after a bad motorcycle accident. How many women would stay with him after that if he was your husband?
    How many men would stay with their wife through breast cancer and a masectomy?
    And of course at the first sign of cheating/lying most folks want to end it asap.
    Some women couldn't deal with being married to a doctor (as much as they say they would love it) because of the long hours he would be away.
    On Dr. Rey's show the LA plastic surgeon his wife constantly complained about him never being around and not spending enough time with her and helping her with their kids. Even though she had a nanny and housekeeper and probably an inhouse cook.
    imo the key to being able to stay together is the level of love you have for that person and how committed you are to them and your marriage. How much your willing to fight for your marriage and the one you love is important to. As long as they are in the ring with you and yall are fighting for the same thing together, there's no reason Not to stay together.

    1. Sorry for your loss Breebree. I agree with you. I know a women that lost a breast due to cancer and from what I know, her husband hasn't changed, his love shows stronger if you ask me.

      Kim K and others like her are the reason marriage is a joke today. I say to people asking if they should jump the broom….marriage is not for punks. If you quit little things easily this isn't something you should even attempt.

      1. Thank you Beef Bacon and I agree with you. Marriage is no joke. I learned that from watching my family and friends. If your not gonna be in it to win it then leave it alone.

    2. Cbrantley now I'm about to listen to Penny Lover on youtube foolin wit you….lol
      That was one of my Lionel Ritchie favs back in the day. That and the song with the video with the girl who was blind and did the sculpture of him.

  18. "When a man's in love, he's only has one story." – Lionel Richie form the song "Penny Lover"

    Streetz,
    You have hit a home run with this post. Not only is "Love Jones" one my top five movies of all times, but it is the movie that breaks love down to its rarest form… For me, staying in love is easy, but for my partners of the past not so. It takes two to dance a good dance and in our generation, we are not built for the dance. I am convince that black people of our generation live in a throw away society. unlike our parents who know what true love is, we have no clue. I can't speak for the brothers but I can speak for myself and I see staying in love in the black community is like buying good furniture. Remember how you would wonder why our parents would keep the same old furniture for years on end? They keep that furniture because it was built for endurance… When we see the first scratch or tear in our furniture, we start looking for its replacement immediately. Now our parents would work with their furniture. They work with it because they knew it was good furniture. They would get it redone or have someone come in and sand away the scratches… Love in our community is just like furniture. When it's new we love it to death. First sign of a scratch or tear (ir, Trouble), we're ready to replace it with someone new. Problem is, we live in a throw away society. No one wants to work through the issues. It's easier for us to just as my ex once posted on her Facebook page, "Out with old and in with the new" I totally agree with my man in the movie, it's easy as hell to fall in love, but someone please tell me how to stay in love. It's harder to do when only on person is willing to work through the issues and other person is ready to toss you in trash can… Love in the black community is not built for endurance. Most people would rather run from the issues than to deal with the real meat and potatoes of a relationship… I am true romantic, has been for years. I guess it's great in the beginning of a relationship, the flowers by the hours, the scratching out the head and helping her to wash it, the dinners by the sea and the prepping the room with an atmosphere for love, etc… but once honeymoon phase of the relationship is over, and the true relationship takes hold, the magic fades and the loving stops… Then the arguments and the quick solution thinking comes in.. how do I get rid of this mother-sucker… A true relationship will endure the test of time when you have two people willing to work it out and make it work past the issues… How do you stay in love, simple, be ready to stick it out and never give up on the person you're involved with. Communicate. Talk it out no matter how touchy the subject matter… With things on the table, it's easy to stay in love. Always be willing to keep what you brought into the relationship alive by not forgetting to do the things you did to win that person over… This only works if you have two people willing work it…

        1. cbrantley15 I agree and it's a "beautiful thang" to see a man who is such a romantic and still believes in and understands"true love" at its best….*daps*….*smile*

        2. Bree, I can't help it.. I used to love being in love. It's s a shame that I am now out of the game for good… I only have praise for my brothers who can find someone they can love for the rest of their lives…. It's so special when you find that special someone… Stay up and be well… I'm off to watch Love Jones….

  19. I think the vast majority of people (including myself) has a misunderstanding on what love is. My pastor said something that made me think, he said “love is a set of habits, not feelings.” Developing and keeping habits, especially healthy ones take work. That isn’t to say we cannot FEEL love, but that feeling shouldn’t define love; it is only one small facet of it. We place unrealistic expectations on each other thinking that we are always supposed to have this feeling towards each other day in and day out when that’s just unrealistic. We build relationships on faulty foundations (infatuation, sexual gratification, etc) and that sets us up for failure. Feelings come and go depending on the circumstances. I think of how I love my son or my parents, and although the dynamics of the relationships are definitely different, that LOVE should be the same. Although I won’t always be happy with this person, have the butterflies that come with infatuation, they may disappoint me and fail to measure up at times, but can I live without them? Are they an important piece of my every day life? Would I do anything for them? Can we communicate and work together effectively? Are they a priority in my life daily? Do we solve disagreements reasonably? If we answer no to these questions can we really say it is love? We often mistake love with infatuation. That’s why it is so easy for us to say “welp I don’t love you anymore, I’m not in love it isn’t going to work.” Sadly our generation doesn’t understand that as well as our predecessors (grandparents and on back) did. Love has become over-romanticized, and over-sexualized it is crazy. If you can’t look at a person, and with all their faults, or think of a worst case scenario (penis being cut off due to a freak accident, being paralyzed etc) and say you will ride it out until the end, you don’t love that person. I know I went a little far but I’m just saying lol.

  20. I think the vast majority of people (including myself) has a misunderstanding on what love is. My pastor said something that made me think, he said "love is a set of habits, not feelings." Developing and keeping habits, especially healthy ones take work. That isn't to say we cannot FEEL love, but that feeling shouldn't define love; it is only one small facet of it. We place unrealistic expectations on each other thinking that we are always supposed to have this feeling towards each other day in and day out when that's just unrealistic. We build relationships on faulty foundations (infatuation, sexual gratification, etc) and that sets us up for failure. Feelings come and go depending on the circumstances. I think of how I love my son or my parents, and although the dynamics of the relationships are definitely different, that LOVE should be the same. Although I won't always be happy with this person, have the butterflies that come with infatuation, they may disappoint me and fail to measure up at times, but can I live without them? Are they an important piece of my every day life? Would I do anything for them? Can we communicate and work together effectively? Are they a priority in my life daily? Do we solve disagreements reasonably? If we answer no to these questions can we really say it is love? We often mistake love with infatuation. That's why it is so easy for us to say "welp I don't love you anymore, I'm not in love it isn't going to work." Sadly our generation doesn't understand that as well as our predecessors (grandparents and on back) did. Love has become over-romanticized, and over-sexualized it is crazy. If you can't look at a person, and with all their faults, or think of a worst case scenario (penis being cut off due to a freak accident, being paralyzed etc) and say you will ride it out until the end, you don't love that person. I know I went a little far but I'm just saying lol.

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