Home Featured Relationships in Debt: My Money, Her Money, Our Money

Relationships in Debt: My Money, Her Money, Our Money

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Earlier this year TIME published a sinister titled article, The New STD. The article defines the newest STD plaguing relationships as “Sexually Transmitted Debt.” It states:

*73% of those married say spending more than $100 without telling a spouse is unacceptable

*79% of those married say they’re more likely to talk about financial infidelity with a friend as opposed to their spouse

*30% of those surveyed say financial infidelity is just as bad as sexual infidelity

*80% of spouses spend money their spouses don’t know about

Despite the fact that it affects everyone, income and debt are still two of the more taboo subjects in our society. Want to talk about sex? There’s an app for that. Want to talk about politics, there’s an app for that. Let’s talk about the income inequality in America and the average American’s household debt. Suddenly, you’re met with hushed whispers and refusal to make eye contact.

I first noticed this phenomenon among my college friends when I started to get in debt trouble myself. Credit cards? Seemed like free money to me. How foolish I was. I was even more confused as I struggled to pay bills while my unemployed friends drove around in new cars. I learned later that the majority of them used their student loan refunds to make it rain. The beginning of a devastating cycle of debt that many are still struggling to overcome and some never will.

The average college student will graduate with more than $20,000 in student loan debt in 2011. This doesn’t include personal credit cards. My parents paid for my college education; one of the greatest gifts they ever gave me. I paid them back by amassing $10,000+ in personal debt before I left college. With the assistance of a few girlfriends and friends after graduation, I would peak at over $30,000. Fortunately, I paid off over half of this amount and hope plan to be debt free in 2012.

Why bring this up?

Just because we don’t talk about something doesn’t mean it’s not an issue. I walked away from a number of relationships and even stopped seriously dating because I couldn’t get the women I was dating to align with my plan to be debt free. I had set a goal of age 30. I still plan to meet this goal and have no plans to allow a woman to be the sole reason I derail.

When a man tells a woman he wants to be debt free, in principle, it sounds good. No woman walks away from that man. However, where principle met reality is when most women balked. The daily sacrifices needed to truly be debt free overwhelmed them. I don’t blame these women for not understanding. They, after all, did not contribute to the problem. Nevertheless, I would also not allow them to reap the benefits of success.

They make us hate ourselves and love they wealth. That’s why shortys holla, “Where the ballas at?” – Kanye West

In my readings, I notice these types of financial complications lie beneath the frustrated musings of men and women. Men want to be established. Women want established men. No one talks about how to get “established.” Take last week’s comments on the causes for the devaluation of marriage for example.  A number of men/women noted that black men place marriage as the final step in their life-achievement process, instead of a part of the process itself. While I can only speak for my own experiences, I found that even when I tried to involve women in the establishment process, they didn’t want to be there. They preferred to show up at the finish line. In other words, they didn’t want to run the race with me, but they did want to help hoist the trophy.

In another example, when I wrote about preferring not to date high maintenance women, a number of women responded that how they spend their money is none of my business. This is true. However, how a potential girlfriend/wife spends her money is all of my business. Because, if you become my wife, I doubt your spending habits will change. Therefore, how you spend when single will dictate how you spend when married.

So unless, you believe your money is always your money and never our money, which honestly a number of women seem to believe but rarely is the opposite true. Usually, if not always, my money suddenly becomes our money. In her mind, my money is the household income and her money is the disposable income.This does not even include the sexually transmitted debt we may have.

I actually tried only to seriously date women with no debt or minimal debt for a while. I eventually realized this was unreasonable and made me a hypocrite. Still, my experiences taught me to pursue women that are financially savvy or are inclined to believe that her money and my money, when married, becomes our money; the household income. Thus, how she spends – regardless of what she spends it on – directly affects us as a household, not just her as an individual.

It seems ironic that a number of women chastise black men for not viewing relationships as a team, yet when it comes to something as fundamental as household income, women prefer to insert an ‘I’  in “Team” or as men jokingly explain it, “What’s mine is hers and what’s hers is hers.”

This is a discussion all men and women should have before walking the plank to holy matrimony but few do so… How large of a role does a potential mate’s debt or income play in your decision to commit? Do you believe your money is your money and how you spend it has no effect on your partner? Does your partner have the right to know about your Sexually Transmitted Debt before they commit to you? Does it matter if the man/woman makes more? How do you plan to, or if married already, manage the finances in your household?

Comment(120)

  1. Q: "How large of a role does a potential mate’s debt or income play in your decision to commit?"
    A: A lot. One of the females I was just talking to, this was an issue. She has some good qualities about her, but she was in the hole financially. Not regular debt…but bills she couldn't pat, including her rent. Told her I would help her with ideas for her finances and see how things go in the future, but we couldn't be together at the time. If you can't manage yourself and your own money….I don't want you trying to manage "our" money.

    Q: "Does your partner have the right to know about your Sexually Transmitted Debt before they commit to you?"
    A: Unless there is a problem or a large amount of debt, then no. They don't have a right to know. And no female shall know abut my finances until marriage.

    1. "Unless there is a problem or a large amount of debt, then no. They don't have a right to know. And no female shall know abut my finances until marriage." I was with you until you said that. If we are serious, then I need to know what I'm getting into. I need to know your attitude about money, your plans, what you've done thus far, etc. Finances should be part of our regular discussion. Before my husband & I got engaged, when it looked like things were going that direction, I suggested we do a financial inventory. This not only encompassed where we each were financially, but what are feelings were about what we would do about money in the future (for example, life insurance – what would be left to whom). He didn't want to do it & procrastinated so that this didn't get done until after we were engaged. I found out that he was a lot more selfish than I thought. This led to a BIG fight, which resulted in me threatening to call the wedding off. So, yeah, I'm going to advocate for having regular conversations about money when in a serious, committed relationship. You two may even inspire each other to do better.

      1. I'm going to have to side with Dr. AJG on this one. I dont want to wait until AFTER I put a ring on it to find out you have a credit score of 5. Despite all my issues, I always paid my bills on time. So, my credit score never dropped below 700, which made overcoming my ordeal a lot easier than some of my peers. I'd like to have a good idea of how financially responsible my potential life-mate is long before that level of commitment. Doesnt have to be on the first date….maybe the third. I kid…but by the fourth…
        My recent post I Can’t Date Women With Name Brand Purses

        1. And that is a problem lol. I said unless there is a problem or some debt that needs to be talked about, then my finances are not my girlfriend's concern. And you can discuss financial things such as a plan for the long run or you can notice how she spends her money. I get questioned all the time from females on my income….and I don't tell a single one. Even if she was my girlfriend, I'm not telling. Why? Because that doesn't concern her. Long as I'm not doing bad, there shouldn't be an issue.

        2. *slides up next to LOMB* Heeeey, what's up? The way you talkin', you sound like you may have heavy pockets. What a burden that must be! I can help relieve you of some of that.

          LOL! – for some reason, the way you put things in your comments sounds like you've got this wealth that you hint at but refuse to speak about. Then if you get married you'll take your wife to a secret room, open the door and "show her the money". Why am I picturing you swimming in a vault of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck right now…

          I understand not wanting to give details to someone you're still feeling out, but once you realize that she is the one I think it's very wise to open up about financial issues.

        3. Lmao @ Scrooge McDuck. I was picturing that right before you said it lol

          But not at all. I'm doing well for myself, but that's about it. But when I get married, there will be a pre-nup lol. Hands down!!

          Financial issues can be talked about to an extent with someone who is serious (not puppy love serious). Numbers, Investments, Accounts, etc….that's a secret till after the wedding lol.

        4. @_LastOfMyBreed. Ok, I think we're in agreement then. I might be a little more paranoid than the average cat, too. Looking to avoid the mistakes of the past in the future.

        5. "I dont want to wait until AFTER I put a ring on it to find out you have a credit score of 5."

          I'm mad you said 5… *Dead-n-Buried*

          But lucky for you dear WIM, you don't have to worry about that because you will already know beforehand what kind of financial struggle she's in just by the Designer Handbag she carries right??? *HardWink*

          lol

      2. I understand you on that one. Hope your guys are happily married still. Nonetheless, you guys can plan ahead in life and talk about concerns you have in what you want in a life long partner, but life insurance is not something I would talk about with a girlfriend lol. I have life insurance now and it is going directly to my siblings. And I agree with the point about knowing what you're getting into before a ring is handed over….BUT that doesn't have to mean talking about finances unless there is an issue or concern.

        *In Allen Iverson voice*….I refuse to tell a girlfriend..not a wife….a girlfriend….about my wealth or income. Not my wife or my mother….my girlfriend. Come on man…..My girlfriend? lol

        1. We are still happily married . . . because he saw things my way 😉
          But no, I need to know where your mindset is. I have a good amount of life insurance & plan to leave some to my son (who is not my husband's son) & some to my husband. If I have all these plans for making sure my family is taken care of, I need to know that you're in the same place. Your attitude shouldn't be, "I don't want to pay for life insurance" or "That sh*t is expensive. Yeah I know you have 500k, but I'm just going to take out 10k & you'll be alright with that. I mean, you make enough money to cover the bills by yourself, so what's the big deal?" Naw, bruh. I advise full disclosure from both parties before the ring. There may not be any big problems (like huge amounts of debt) but your values may just be different – like he doesn't feel the need to have 6 months of an emergency fund stashed away or she believes in leasing or he just pays the minimum on his credit card debt (which you shouldn't have any anyway)). I'm just saying, for ME, if a dude who I THOUGHT was serious about me wasn't willing to disclose, I'm assuming that you're hiding something bad or you're just not that into me. In either case, I'm throwing those 2s. Oh yeah, & I need that FICO score, too. IJS.

        2. Sounds to me like you're more about the mindset than the actual information……well before you said the FICO score thing lol. I am all for knowing someone's mindset and train of though before marriage. I ask tons of questions and try and see little things in order to know what kind of route in life they're going. BUT…does someone have to know he has the "500k"? No. I don't think so. Just know I'm responsible and plan ahead.

        3. From what I've been reading, it appears to me (I could be wrong though) that you are the major bread winner and you have alot to lose THEREFORE your need to plan and prepare…. Just in case. I can understand that.

        4. @ GirlSixx, I make a little more & he has a little debt. There were 2 problems: 1) We differed on how to handle the money & debt & 2) I planned ahead more than he did – life insurance, disability, will & trust, etc – & my perspective is that these things are just as important to our financial future.
          @ last, we all know that beliefs aren't always followed by action, so I need to know concretely what's up.

  2. Sidenote: "I found that even when I tried to involve women in the establishment process, they didn’t want to be there. They preferred to show up at the finish line. In other words, they didn’t want to run the race with me, but they did want to help hoist the trophy."<~Many men feel the same way about women. You're not alone. A friend of mine said it best: "If you're not willing to ride on the bus with me now, I don't want you when I have my Maserati."

    1. Rebuttal from Mr. West: "Stick by his side. I know his dude's balling and yes that nice. They gon keep calling and trying but you stay right girl. When he get on, he'll leave your ass for a white girl!"

  3. Income is not the major thing to me. I make a decent amount of money, and could honestly raise a family on my income alone. It'd be a little tough, but definitely doable. Debt, though, is a huge deal. Because the idea of STD is very real. My debt to income ratio (as a single woman) is just that: MINE. As a couple, unless you're adding a significantly higher income than you are debt, OUR ratio becomes very screwed up. And I definitely believe in the idea of two becoming one, when you marry someone. Hell, even before marriage, if we're living together, and therefore filing taxes together, we share income and debt.

    I do believe I have a right to know how much debt a man is in before I commit to him. Just as he has a right to know mine. Full disclosure is a must when it comes to finances. Otherwise there will be much anger, resentment and recrimination, as well as an eventual divorce.

  4. “While I can only speak for my own experiences, I found that even when I tried to involve women in the establishment process, they didn’t want to be there. They preferred to show up at the finish line.” Awwwwww, boo to those women! you can do better.

    “However, how a potential girlfriend/wife spends her money is all of my business. Because, if you become my wife, I doubt your spending habits will change. Therefore, how you spend when single will dictate how you spend when married.” So true!!!

    I definitely believe that if you’re about to begin a serious commitment finances should be discussed, obviously not on the first few dates, but definitely before marriage.

  5. True story- I had a few dates with a really nice guy. I realized that he needed to take care of some things for himself and I felt bad that he was spending so much on the few dates we went on. He was sending flowers and getting very serious too fast. I suggested that we just remain good friends for a while so he could reorganize. I even helped research some things for him. My instincts told me that he just wasn't financially responsible. Turns out my instincts were right. I met 2 good friends of his through a mutual friend. His friends told me his car was recently repossessed because he hadn't made a payment in YEARS because he didn't think it was necessary. They told me that he's not ready for a serious relationship because of his bad $ practices. I've worked hard to overcome most of my college credit card debt and raise my credit score. It would be a nightmare to marry someone who could undo all of my efforts. However if love and commitment are factors you definitely need a plan.

  6. Man I could go on and on about those that wanna hold the trophy without ever running the race, but I know that'll just lead to "Where are you finding these women?" questions. 'cause they're so rare, right? I'll defer to the poet laureate M. Jones circa 2005… *ahem*

    Back then they didn't want me, now I'm hot they all on me.

    I won't rehash everything, as we've had this convo already on Twitter, but I will reiterate that around the end of my time dating somewhat for sport and more for research I began to ask the women that I didn't hit it off with what the problem was. The answers were typically, along the lines of too nice, too young/not ready to commit, or not "secure" enough. No that secure wasn't in a "you're insecure" tone, it was a "you're still a student" tone; to be even more blunt, it was working towards a career is not the same as having a career. *shrug* I can't say I'm upset I don't have that type of woman in my life.

    Not only do I think finances should be brought up, they should be gone through in detail. But personally, I think this is something that should be reserved until after she's wearing an engagement ring. If you think you can pick out the color of you bridesmaids' dresses and what type of flower arrangements to have in the wedding and we're not gonna discuss how we handle finances, we will only be engaged for a Kim Kardashian or less. I've always proposed that whatever percentage of the household income you make is the percentage of income you should put towards the household. Do what you will with your remaining percentage.

    I can't get with the what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine people. Let's call a spade a spade, that's just selfishness. And I know I'm not alone in that sentiment.

    Could you love me in a Bentley, would you love me on the bus? I ask 21 Questions… and they all about us?

    1. "we will only be engaged for a Kim Kardashian or less" Hilarious, LOL!!! The guy I'm interested in now takes public transportation. He's super intelligent and has many great qualities, as well as a dream/goals I support. Right now it's a friendship, but I'm definitely keeping him on the radar 🙂

      1. But question…..why is he in the friend zone if you don't mind me asking? I've had females tell me they researched my field before we started dating, tried to guess my income in order to see if we could date or not, and some just outright expect me to trick on them. Not saying this is you at all, just saying its "amusing" when money is in the picture when dating.

        1. I want to know the answer as well – but from where I stand it looks like she may be waiting for him to make a move.

  7. I agree with the post but my agreeing has come from a journey. Growing up I was unfortunately the product of a home and extended family where the men did not pull their weight financially. The women I grew up hustled and achieved good lifestyles by working maybe five times as hard as the men in their lives.
    The unspoken lesson was that getting married or tying your finances to a man was the worst choice you could make. That you would always do better alone or if you were married with your own financial resources that your man did not know about. That was the way I was going to do it. I realize it's wrong, sneaky and a myriad of other things but if this is what you are repeatedly told by a generation of older women, it would behoove you to listen & follow their advice.
    In fact when a girl is getting married there are always gatherings with older women who dole out this advice, tell of their secret financial stashes and then recruit the woman into whatever money making business is hot.
    Moving on, debt is pretty new in our country, this is not to say it hasn't been there but we are mostly a cash based society. If you don't have the money you don't buy it. But, the banks got wise and we're quickly going down the American way. All that's needed is proof that you worked for 6 months. Needless to say we're a mess.
    Enter me and my illusions of my money.I had to learn that the money is not instantaneous and that it is a journey for BOTH of you! Truth is this lesson is missing for so many in our generation and that right there is the problem. It's always a man who can take care of me, It's mine, He doesn't have money etc.
    When do we learn that no one ever starts at the finish line?
    Blame the Disney movies and the drowning out of all other narratives of the happy stories where couples hustle together and make it together. Again I can understand the mine mentality because too often the older ladies giving this advice did the hustling & the journey but when they made it, he went looking for some young'uns….
    We've all heard too many of those…Either way I know what I'm doing… walking the journey with the budgeting, saving, investing and succeeding together. I get to walk my path in our story.

    1. I don't know where you're from, but old women in the states give similar advice. At least the ones from West Virginia do.

      1. But is it reallyyy behind men's backs though?? because ya'll already know we do this. We have the household (joint) account and our so called secret (mad money) account which 9 times outta 10 if we are really co-mingling our financial resources to obtain our dream ain't that much $$$ in that secret stash account anyway just enough to buy a few pairs of shoes, handbags, etc.

        1. I thought the secret stash was supposed to be for if ya'll split, you have some savings to fall back on. Ain't it supposed to be like six months rent for somewhere?

      2. It's usually older women (at least it is in my family). Back in that time when women were SAHMs or if they worked they made very little. If you found yourself in a bad situation, especially if your husband was abusive not having a "secret stash" severely limited your options of getting away from him. It's still a valid concept today because one fo the first things a controlling man will do is limit your resources and try to seperate you from your support system. I lived with that dude. Nightmare on muhfuggin Elm St.

      3. But that’s not really answering the question. I’ll rephrase. Since the post is about being up front and discussing finances, why is it common (and accepted) practice to stash money during the marriage, but taboo to discuss and sign a pre-nup before getting married when no one is angry, bitter, etc. on which BOTH parties are involved and agree?

        1. I wanted Mr to sign a prenup. He said that showed no trust. It was not that I lacked trust, It was that I sacrifice ALOT to be comfortable. so we came up with the mine-your-ours bucket split. I think that both parties should be willing to sign prenups PERIOD.
          My recent post What I have learned

  8. Mr Cheapskate is in the house! No man is cheaper than my father, its in my DNA to save. Credit Cards? I didn't have one until I was 26, and I hardly ever use it. Debit Cards? Didn't have one of those until I had a steady job.

    I left college in reasonable debt and to be honest, a guy like me I actually get aroused by seeing the figures in my accounts go up…. i just like having it there.

    I get so frustrated because to take on these partners that just ask you to spend spend spend. Women are terrible at respecting the saver. You take a chick to McDonalds, you offer to pay, ho has got to get the double quarter pounder. what? you know you are a two cheeseburger type of girl, but now you being treated so you have to wild out?!? I had my girl tell me "I just want you to spend on me, b/c it makes me feel supported". I told her I am not going to marry someone with that type of attitude. I think we have to take the blame for this as men, if we start demanding more dutch dates and women who get their ish together I think we will see better results. I think as fathers and lovers we let them get away with too much financially speaking, always bailing them out.

    1. Our culture breeds the idea of being treated in us. Women learn that they should be looking for a man who’ll splurge on them, buy them diamonds and platinum. Men, on the other hand learn that they should treat themselves. How many young black men do we each know who are living at home, can’t afford to pay rent on a one-bedroom apt, but drive a Benz, premium gasoline only, and will only date a woman who’s carrring a Coach bag?

      As to your point about women being “bailed out” I disagree. No one’s been bailing me out of debt or poor financial choices. I’ve simply been taught by my poor, hardworking immigrant parents to make better choices and not spend more than I can afford.

    2. LOL. It's funny, I dont consider myself cheap and honestly, once they get to know me, I dont think many of the women I date consider me cheap either. I am, however, very practical. And I've learned to live within my means, which is an eye opening concept for a lot of womenpeople. I basically like to know what kind of woman I'm dealing with. Is she going to be trying to Keep Up With the Kardashians or live within the income she/we make? If the latter, I'm likely going to get going while the going is good.

      As a side note, I'm not judging people who want to make it rain and live check to check. More power to them. If they like it, I love it. I'm just past that lifestyle and never want to go back.
      My recent post I Can’t Date Women With Name Brand Purses

  9. I can definitely see how men can get the impression that a woman wasn’t willing to be down for them while they were struggling, but all women are not like that. If that’s the only type of women you’re coming in contact with, its a problem with YOU and your picker, not women in general. Honestly, its sounds like you need to change your social circle or re-evaluate what characteristics you prioritize when you’re choosing women to date.

    And then for the “what mine is is mine, what’s his is mine” philosophy, I see that mindset more with stay at home wives and women who work part-time or in low-paying fields. I mean, I’m going into the medical field, so unless I marry a millionaire or something, my income is probably not going to be “disposable”. While I definitely plan to contribute to household costs, I would prefer to not be the breadwinner. I want to be a present, involved, and very hands on mom, and I don’t want our lifestyle to take a major hit if I decide to work part-time or stay at home for a couple of years. I would prefer that we pay the bills and budget our lives based on his income, and then let my income go towards retirement planning/college/ trust funds for the kids and stuff.

    Also, I’m fine with student loan debt, but I’m not really okay with credit card debt. I personally don’t have much, mine will probably be gone w/i the 6 months after I graduate. My school loans will probably take a little longer lol. If you have a bunch of credit card debt, fine, but you cannot be accumulating any more while we are together. I understand everyone has mistakes in their past (lol), but if we’re getting married your financial status impacts my future. I’m really not that pressed about people spending money on me during dates anyway, I think its more important what we do and how we connect. I feel like focusing on the money spent is focusing on the wrong thing. How much a guy spends on you is not a reliable indicator for how much he cares for you.

    1. Great comment.

      Just want to point out that this is def not "the only type of women" I come in contact with. I've heard that rhetort a few times and it doesnt make a lot of sense to me. I will say it's about 60/40 though. So, it is the majority. Generally speaking, if they can, I believe most women at least prefer to be lavished upon by a man. However, in the grand scheme of things, I only need one woman and I have found enough outside of the majority to make me comfortable that I dont have any unreasonable standards.
      My recent post I Can’t Date Women With Name Brand Purses

  10. People still dont realze that your credit means everything. Some jobs wont let you move up in rank or wont even hire you if you have bad credit.

    I'll be done with school in december and will probably have 30,000 in debt. While we are just dating whats your is yours and whats mine is mine. So if I noticed during this stage that you cant handle your finances or always asking me for money, sorry we can be together. If your honestly trying to get your credit together I wil help you but we cant get married until you get it straight. You will not drag my credit down the drain with yours.

    Even when Im marreid I dont need to know every purchase you make as long as the bills are paid and its not over 500 dollars.

  11. "How large of a role does a potential mate’s debt or income play in your decision to commit?" Its not really a big deal. Debt is apart of life. Its the financial habits that matter to me. If I notice its out of control then im Gawwn! If she makes enough to maintain her habit then its all good.

    "Do you believe your money is your money and how you spend it has no effect on your partner?" If we are in a committed situation then all money is OUR money! That's just the SD rule baby! We can have lil side fun accounts but it shouldn't exceed a certain % of the household income.

    'Does your partner have the right to know about your Sexually Transmitted Debt before they commit to you?" Absolutely

    "Does it matter if the man/woman makes more?" I could care less if my wifee makes more. In fact it will push me to want to make more..lol my man macho shit will kick in and force me to step it up..lol so maybe i do care?

    "How do you plan to, or if married already, manage the finances in your household?" My plan would be keep it an open ongoing communication. If we can discuss relationship issues dammit we can discuss finances!

  12. “However, where principle met reality is when most women balked. The daily sacrifices needed to truly be debt free overwhelmed them. I don’t blame these women for not understanding. They, after all, did not contribute to the problem. Nevertheless, I would also not allow them to reap the benefits of success.”

    And herein lies the problem for me. Many men want a woman who is willing to sacrifice with them, but very few of these relationships will stand the test of time to make it worth it. My ex proclaimed to be “frugal” in our relationship, then went on to spend over $2000.00 on a lawyer to help the next woman (who he had known and been dating for all of 2 months) beat some criminal charges.

    I have been fortunate enough to attend undergrad on an academic scholarship and I was able to earn my masters through my employer’s tuition reimbursement program, so I graduated with very little debt and at this point have none. I’m a saver, so I wouldn’t consider myself high maintenance, but I am financially secure enough to spend freely and would prefer a mate who can do the same.

    Maybe I’m just bitter, but at this point, I don’t care to make major financial sacrifices in a relationship just to be left for the next chick. I would have to honestly feel very secure that the relationship is actually on a marriage track before considering finances to be “ours”.

    1. I feel you on this. One of the best pieces of advice I've gotten was that if you want to know where a man's heart is, follow his watch and his wallet. Where a man spends his time and money is where his priorities are. There are quite a few men who sing that Mike Jones tune, but really I think most women are more relative about it. We're not trying to compete with your rent, student loans, and long term savings. But I'll be dammed if you wanna consistently prioritize video games, skrip clubs and new Jordans, and when it comes time to go on a date or help me out you're "frugal". Nope.

      1. Good advice Teflon. Also, @Shauna, I think I see what you're saying but I dont go into serious commitments expecting them to fail. I recognize relationships/marriages fail but if I sit around expecting every relationship I enter into to fail then it will likely become a self fulfilling prophecy. I've been through all the break-ups and heart breaks I care to endure in my life time but I try not to take those out on the next woman and give every woman I seriously date the benefit of the doubt and/or guilty until proven innocent. I mean, I basically trust myself to choose a woman I can trust. If not, dating is pointless because part of who I choose to date falls back on me. That's just my view on things though.
        My recent post I Can’t Date Women With Name Brand Purses

        1. I understand what you're saying. I don't think I go into serious relationships necessarily expecting them to fail, but it seems that many people want to be treated like a husband/wife from the beginning, long before they've even begun to prove themselves worthy. Maybe my choice in men is to blame, but for the most part I try to choose like minded individuals. I never ask for a man to have more than I can also contribute to a relationship and I wouldn't expect anyone to pay my way for everything, but like Teflon says, you can tell a lot about how a man feels about you by his wallet. I do keep an open heart and mind in relationships, but admittedly I am cautious.

      2. "One of the best pieces of advice I've gotten was that if you want to know where a man's heart is, follow his watch and his wallet. Where a man spends his time and money is where his priorities are."

        I agree with this to a certain extent, if we are talking about an average 9 – 5 joe then I will throw in my cosign but if we are talking about them 6 figures/caking/balling type men then nah, I wouldn't put too much weight on this statement because "It Ain't Trickin If You Got It" they can give time and money to more than one woman.

  13. How large of a role does a potential mate’s debt or income play in your decision to commit?
    A large role. I make a substantial amount of money. I own a home and have a decent car that is paid off. When I decided to get married, this was a factor to me. I don't want to compromise the things I have worked hard to acquire because of my choice in mate.

    My recent post What I have learned

  14. Do you believe your money is your money and how you spend it has no effect on your partner?
    In a way, yes I do. What we did was wrote down the household bills and household savings goals. We each are responsible for contributing half to the household expense account and $500 a month to the household savings account. I am still responsible for the mortgage and maintenance on my house (which I am turning into rental property). It is still MY house because I had it for 9 years before we married so it is not OURS. We are both responsible for debt acquire before marriage so what we do with what is leftover after paying into the household account is whatever…as long as you don't go to the other spouse looking for assistance funding your must haves because you screwed your money up I don't see it being an issue.

    My recent post What I have learned

    1. I can't really get with this line of thinking. For me, marriage is makes the ultimate team out of both of us, and I can't love and support him from a distance. If we decide to go ahead with our union, we'll also decide how much to put towards our respective debts from our joint account on an ongoing basis. I can't picture myself saying "Baby, I'm sorry, but you're simply going to have to get yourself out of the mess you got yourself into." Without him having to ask, I would want to lessen his load as much as possible.

      1. Naija,

        That's not how it works for us. What I am saying is we are both fiscally responsible and our household account can be used for anything. We have built it up so that either can use it and it not effect our regular bills. What I was saying is if I could not have married someone fiscally irresponsible who would screw up the money for his pre-maritial debt and the consistently need to dip into the household fund.
        My recent post Back to Life…Back to Reality

  15. Does your partner have the right to know about your Sexually Transmitted Debt before they commit to you? If it effects the household budget absolutely.
    Does it matter if the man/woman makes more?
    I make more. It doesn't matter as long as he can carry his weight. As I stated above, we split the household bills/savings goals down the middle. I have more disposable income than him but I also have more responsibility – I have a son in college and I am paying mortgage on property acquired before marriage.

    My recent post What I have learned

  16. Funny story, I was on the phone with my hubby while he was driving home. Our convo:
    Him: "Heeey baby – I finally got the notice, I passed my CISSP exam!"
    Me: "Yay, congratulations I knew you could do it!!"
    Him: "I'm almost home now, we can celebra….whoa, what are these lights doing on outside?"
    Me: "I just turned them on for you."
    Him: "WHATCHU TURNING ON LIGHTS FOR?!? THOSE LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT! BGE GONE BE SKY HIGH!"
    Me: -_-

    1. Hahahaha! Girl that is too funny! In our neighborhood, the lights come on automatically on both sides of the garages. My friends said the first thing they did was unscrew their lights.

  17. My thoughts –
    1) A lot of men are drawn to women they feel are the "pick of the litter". You want a showpiece, you're gonna have to pay for her.
    2) I saw firsthand how financial infidelity can make a marriage miserable. I don't want it for my marriage so I don't secretly shop.
    3) Y'all men THINK you know how to spot a "high maintenance" woman. You don't. Here's the trick: when you go over to her place, check out her linen closet, bathroom and her top dresser drawer. If you see a bunch of lotions, potions, hair stuff and tools you're good. If your girl always looks "done" but she doesn't own any shampoo or nail polish…it's because she stays in the salon. Ruunn, Forest!
    4) Our family motto about money: What's his is THEIRS, what's mine is THEIRS. Kids change everything.

    1. All of this especially #3
      My ex asked me why I had an overhead dryer in my office – because I do my own hair – its either that or I would be paying $45 a week just for a wash him: O_O me: yes its not a $20 cut babe LOL

  18. Love this post! This is a VERY important topic…

    "How large of a role does a potential mate’s debt or income play in your decision to commit?" Both play a large role. If the debt is under control though, we're good. Concerning income, it depends on what our vision for the future is. Basically, for as long as we can afford the life we want and he's doing his best, his income isn't an issue.

    "Do you believe your money is your money and how you spend it has no effect on your partner?" I don't believe that at all…

    "Does your partner have the right to know about your Sexually Transmitted Debt before they commit to you?" I think they deserve to know before they ask my hand in marriage/before I agree to marriage. I think that's something that should be discussed in the midst of a committed relationship with someone that you're considering a sharing a life with. I won't be disclosing my credit report to someone I'm just dating.

    1. "Does it matter if the man/woman makes more?" Not to me. All I'm concerned about is earning potential…and proof that you're working towards supporting the life/lifestyle you/we claim to want. But, I typically commit to men who don't want to continue to make less than me. They want to be able to, at some point, financially cover me if the need arises.

      "How do you plan to, or if married already, manage the finances in your household?" When I was married, money was never an issue. We had one joint checking acct, one joint savings acct, and I had a savings acct prior to marriage that I kept. All of our money went to these pots. When bill time came along, we knew how much we could play with and once all was clear, we spent freely. We informed each other of purchases exceeding $100. Our accts were always fluffy cause "2 checks will always be better than 1", lol. The process isn't broken in my mind so I intend to do this again when the need arises…

      1. When I'm dating or committed, I don't feel its a man's responsiblity to pay for everything all the time. Sometimes, I pay or at least pay my own way. I can't remember the last time I asked to borrow money from anyone for any reason other than "I don't have the cash on me" or "I don't have time to stop at the ATM", so a man never needs to pay a bill for me. What a man chooses to do for me is a gift and appreciated. Does any women ever want to pay on a date? Naw, not really, lol. But, I've never dated Bill Gates, lol.

        1. Plus, I make more money than the average 30 yr old…what do I look like letting you spend money on me all the time when we both know you ain't got it like that, lol??? WIM, I'd never EVER not date a man who was content to live on Roman Noodles, not shop, not pay for a meal exceeding $30, no trips, no gifts exceeding $30, etc. short term so that he could be debt free in a year. Anyone who can't think forward enough to see how that could ultimately benefit her in the future doesn't deserve to be a part of it. I'm all for a man on the come-up…for as long as I can see that he's really working to come-up…and that its paying off.

          Sidenote: These character limits SUCK, lol…

        2. Ha. This is a funny point because I tell my high maintenance and perpetually single female friends that they dont realize how expensive they are to date because they never pay for anything. But, if a man takes you out to eat 7 days a week, and he aint ballin, he's going to start noticing that in his account. Two people eating out 7 days a week can easily get into the hundreds real quick. That's thousands on food alone each month. A tip I learned when getting out of debt too was to multiply all your daily habits by 12. When I started thinking in terms of cable doesnt cost $100 a month it cost $1,200 a year, s**t got real lol
          My recent post I Can’t Date Women With Name Brand Purses

        3. "But, if a man takes you out to eat 7 days a week, and he aint ballin, he's going to start noticing that in his account."

          And if he doesn't seem to notice, that should be a flag on the play, lol. Maybe there's some side hustle you don't know about…or he's going in the red by mismanaging his money. Either way, a smart woman should start asking questions…

        4. Agreed. I'm working on a follow-up postnow about 5 – 7 questions I ask my wife-to-be without asking my wife-to-be. I'm pretty observant and I also dont expect people to change. You are who you are. I just observe and see if you seem like someone I want in my life. If not, it's all good, hugs and high-fives but I'm outtie 5,000. I think a lot of single folks – men and women – (who dont want to be single anyway) are single because they're failing relationship tests they dont even realize they're taking.

          Word is bond.

  19. I remember i told this one girl i wasntz marrying her n her bad ass credit, we laughed at the time but part of me was serious. Girls who never seem to keep a phone on, using bills as coasters in they crib those are red flags to me. Knowing myself it will eventually become an issue, i can only imagine living with said irresponsible female. Some couples use #thestruggle to bring them together, someone like me will use it to drive us apart.

    1. Let me be clear that not every man is worth going on the journey with. That's obviously a choice you have to make but I will say men tend to appreciate those women more and can trust them because they were with you through the bad times, they didnt just wait to show up for the good times. (Same can be said for friends, family, etc). It's the whole "trust but verify" mindset. I'm not condoning waisting time on a man but if you're waiting around for a man to get his stuff together before you decide to commit dont be surprised if he's giving you the stink eye. Plus, youre competition is going to be a lot more competitive. In other words, everyone wants to be on the winning team.

      Thanks for the comment!
      My recent post I Can’t Date Women With Name Brand Purses

  20. How large of a role does a potential mate’s debt or income play in your decision to commit?

    Depends on how much it is and her spending habits.

    Do you believe your money is your money and how you spend it has no effect on your partner?

    Unless you're married or living together, your money is your money.

    Does your partner have the right to know about your Sexually Transmitted Debt before they commit to you?

    Yes, in marriage, because they become your debts.

    Does it matter if the man/woman makes more? How do you plan to, or if married already, manage the finances in your household?

    No.

  21. I don’t believe in separate money in a marriage. Period. If you have separate money, there is a lack of trust. Otherwise, why not put all the money in joint accounts. Cause you don’t trust your partner with your money or you have something to hide. Not a good foundation.

    I have no credit card debt. I just don’t use them and I havent had to in years, even during a period of unemployment. I don’t havd a car payment, I saved up to buy my car when it was a year old. But it took a lot of dumb mistakes to get me to this point. I got the credit cards in college, the student loans and lived beyond my means well into my thirties. I finally learned my lesson when I almost losy my condo over some foolish decisions.

    So, I would understand if a guy has debt and bad credit. It takes a while to clear that stuff up. But I would look at his spending habits, for sure. I think its really about how willing the person us to take an honest look at their spending. If you can look your statements in the eye and make smart choices and follow through, we good.

    1. I had before marriage assets and debts so did he…we have a combined fund and it works for us. I learned my lesson from some foolish choices I made when I was younger. I still disclose purchases over $100 or money going out the door to my son in college and what not but we are married not conjoined twins. Some things can stay seperate.
      My recent post What I have learned

        1. For us, it's mostly just an inconvenience. We both came into the marriage with direct deposit, some automatic bill pays and such. Trying to time those transfers just right can be a beast, I'm scared of having some bills come out of an account (takes a couple days to change) and the direct deposit is going into a different account (takes a couple weeks to change). We'll get around to it, but for right now I pay some bills and he pays some bills.

        2. Some of my things are on auto debit like my mortgage etc. These are things that he shouldn't be responsible for. I don't expect him to be responsible for them as I accumulated them before him. I also put more in our savings than the agreed upon minimum because I make more. I understand the two become one, but I was a complete person with responsibilities and 40 years old when we married.
          My recent post What I have learned

    2. I agree. While I wish I never went through this situation, I'm grateful I went through it while I'm still "young" and can come out the other side a wiser/better man. I also learned a lot about myself, the women I should and should not date, and who my real friends were as a result. There came a point when I was paying off credit cards with credit cards and I knew things had to change. At this point, life is pretty good.
      My recent post I Can’t Date Women With Name Brand Purses

  22. Financial fidelity is essential to committed relationships. There is no "my money" or "his money" in my household, it's all the family's money. We work together to pay bills, establish an emergency fund, save for our retirement and for the children's college educations. We don't buy anything over $50 without consulting one another. I'm a bit of a spendthrift and I'm an impulsive shopper so I don't keep debit cards or alot of cash on me, just the emergency $20 bill.

    Before marriage, all debt should be disclosed as well as credit scores and credit reports. Income and debt aren't as important as work ethic and financial responsibility. Having debt from getting educated and working hard at a low paying job that will eventually lead to better opportunities is different from having debt from buying a bunch of depreciating crap and having absolutely no ambition.

    Marriage is as much of a business deal as it is a romantic fairytale, but our society tends to focus on the fairytale. Legal marriage is the merging of economic activity with another and establishing that person as your next of kin. If you don't trust that person financially, how are you going to have a successful union? It doesn't matter who makes the money, what matters is that you work together to manage that money so that it benefits everyone in the family. This "his money is our money and my money is my money" business is childish and if I was a man I wouldn't wife a woman who thought like that.

  23. Lol at the 30% saying financial infidelity is as bad as sexual infidelity. Ima mild financial adulterer, i may lie about how much i spent (not thats it ur business anyway). Dudes stunt then be surprised when she expecting you to go to Jared for Memorial Day.

  24. "Does your partner have the right to know about your Sexually Transmitted Debt before they commit to you?"

    That STD Struggle is Real….LOL I know couples (married) who got caught out there by not using any protection (asking questions) and now may have to live with this for a good duration of their lives.

    Buut I will say this, I think the only time this kind of conversation is warranted and should be had by both parties is when a couple is contemplating "Happily Forever After" (Marriage) NOT "Happy for A Minute" (LTR) if you and I are just dating exclusively and things are going great but yet there hasn't been any talk about marriage I don't feel it's necessary to tell you my financial business and I wouldn't expect you to tell me either.

    I've been hearing that it's becoming a trend that people are asking about FICO scores/credit/debt ratio as part of getting to know you 1st date questions. O__O That's too personal if you ask me, and I will not divulge that kind of information.

    1. "I've been hearing that it's becoming a trend that people are asking about FICO scores/credit/debt ratio as part of getting to know you 1st date questions. O__O That's too personal if you ask me, and I will not divulge that kind of information."

      100% co-sign! There is a time when you will be entitled to know all of that information. The first several dates (shoot, weeks…or even months, really) is NOT that time.

    2. I guess I'm odd…but then again, I already knew that. Perhaps I would feel differently if I had a bad score, but it's not something I'm overly protective about. If we somehow got to that subject on the first date and he was curious about it and willing to share his, then hey.

  25. As the homie Willie D said: “My pockets ain’t hurtin, that’s for certain…you see a broke mothaf*cka that’s a burden…”

    Im full aware that women are getting their own money…I get this…but their spending habits are a big red flag, especially if one of her priorities is getting more money froma partner. I recently learned of an acquaintance that had her past catch up to her and is now getting her check garnished. She still is counting on finding a dude to wife her up knowing that this cloud of debt looms over her head. I frown on fiscally irresponsible women the way I do about women who can’t cook. Imuch like WIM have a plan to reduce my debt and my sacrifice has been to curtail going out and cut back on excess things. I will have reached the first phase of my goal in January. Leave

  26. How do you plan to, or if married already, manage the finances in your household?
    We are living off of one income right now and when I start working again, we'll continue to live that way. With my checks, we'll do what we did before, pay debt. Thing is, our debt is pretty much already paid off. All we have left now is student loan debt and the mortgage. My hub's has a credit card that we pay off each month if we even use it that is. It wasn't always like that though and recently, we paid off over $15,000 worth of debt in under one year. We did that by living off his income and using my income to pay down all of our credit card and loan debt and my medical bills. When I start working again, we'll do the same to pay off our student loans and mortgage. That was a simple plan that I came up with and I felt so empowered when it worked. Because it did, I was able to finish my pregnancy at peace and build our new home at peace too.

    1. We're working towards living off one income as well – I don't think I see myself as a SAHM, but if we can get to the point it will be a big boost to our savings and a net if something happens in the future. I read somewhere that generally it's good practice for couples to live off one income because it helps you to not spend to the limits of your income.

      1. I've read that too and it makes so much sense. If one of you gets fired or laid off or something, the other's income and the savings are supposed to be able to cover things. We didn't plan it that way in the beginning of our marriage but have grown into it so when we built our house I was happy to do it just off my hub's income so when I start bringing some money in again, there'll be some good savings going on and it'll be gravy on the pie once our student loans and mortgage are paid off. I have a friend who I'd mentioned that to and she was like really, that's how you're supposed to do it? She and her hubs are both accountants and are living like the Cosbys mind you. I was like O_o because I thought that was common knowledge. Good luck though Tef, ya'll can do it!

    2. Hmmm @krystllyght. I like that system. I actually hadnt heard of it before either but I think I read about it in passing for this couple on Yahoo Finance (they run a story about debt free couples about once a month it seems). But, it would definitely take the right woman for it to work though. I think that's the X factor. I can talk all day and I can plan all night but if my woman-to-be isnt on board with me then I'm just S-O-L. On the bright side, I do think there are various strategies for success….also a lot of roads to failure too.

      1. I shouldn’t have said common knowledge because we didn’t think of that in the beginning of our co-habiting and marriage. I did think that about people like them though.
        There are good stories about people living financially responsibly in Black Enterprise magazine too.
        If your woman-to-be isn’t on board with you though, then why would she be your woman? That’s not a deal breaker for you? WIM is an exceptional dude who requires an exceptional lady. Since you have the will and discipline in you to pull yourself out of debt, you most likely have it in you to find a like-minded woman.

        1. It's not a deal breaker. I actually dont have many deal breakers. It would depend on some other factors but I would definitely be very hesitant to take the next steps with a woman who cant keep her finances or spending in order.

  27. The post was totally different then I imagined from what was discussed on twitter. This is so great and anyone looking to merge incomes in a relationship or a marriage should take heed to this.
    My parents taught me well – my mom was a CPA for 30 years so when she said we didn't have it – it didn't mean $0 it mean we don't have money for THAT! LOL – Her and my dad gave one another a weekly allowance so they had money to spend how they wanted – I loved this. Unfortunately (but necessary) they are divorced now but when I tell you both left the marriage RIGHT no one is in debt both were able to purchase homes – its because they were consistently fiscally responsible in the marriage.

    Like someone said up thread my income would not be consider disposable so I am more than willing to pull my weight when I get married. I think I would subscribe to the financial plan my parents used.
    As far as debt – I think all debt should be manageable before the I do's. It has to be discussed or people are just setting themselves up for fiscal failure.

  28. I got a question. Is it a certain type of woman that has the mentality the men here are complaining about? I mean, do they have a certain type of look, way of carrying themselves that makes them attractive to men. Theory: Selfishness and entitlement seen as confidence and high value?

  29. Now that I am 30+ financial management plays a MAJOR role in my decision to commit. I am now seeking marriage so I have to consider it deeply. I've learned that money is a tool that reflects our character, ambition level and decision-making process. Ultimately, your financial position reflects your degree of responsibility. Just like one could argue that a women's degree of fitness reflects her level of discpline and self-esteem.

    Most low-income men or men with high debt are in that position because 1) they do not have the skills to earn (i.e. lack ambition or intelligence) 2) made very poor choices which betrayed their true level of ambition or intelligence (i.e. prison and babby mommas) 3) live way above their means (i.e. overcompensate for something…poor self-esteem or very humble beginnings). No matter how you slice it, a man with money problems, has issues that go much deeper than paper and coins.

    1. With that said, I believe a couple should have their own fund and a house fund. I believe a healthy relationship comprises you, me and us. I believe in full financial disclosure at engagement. Meaning, as soon as he puts a ring on it, we come to the table with credit reports (from ALL 3 agencies), W2's, bank statements and any other liabilites or sources of income. Prior to that stage, I don't believe I have a right to know exactly how much my man makes, when his direct deposits hit, how he spends. I respect privacy. But I do watch very closely…does he pay cash or credit when we go out? You can learn a lot by keeping your eyes open and your legs and mouth shut 😉

      In terms of recommended ways to "split" or manage joint finances, I really like the method Suze Orman outlays. We'll contribute to household expenses based on equitable percentages (not necessary just cut in half), we'll contribute another percentage to an emergency fund and joint savings/investments. We will also keep a percentage to spend at our own discretion, in individual accounts!!

  30. Yo.

    This blog >>>>

    I've always been weary about eventually being accountable for my spending by a spouse, but money management is just as important as any aspect of a relationship. You dont want a frivilous individual handling your $$$$ you know?

    I think these types of things should be spoken about before and throughout a relationship, just to make sure you are fiscally on the same page.

    Sorry if someone already said this. No time for commetn reading!
    My recent post Generation Mobile – how cell phones shape college students lives

  31. I havent finished reading all the comments yet but a few years ago read a book called "Your Money and Your Man" very good, I need to revisit it soon.

    I think knowing how someone handles money is important in a serious relationship. I don't really prefer someone with bad credit but if it is bad, if they have a plan and are WORKING that plan to repair it, I'm okay with that. If we were on the road to marriage I might suggest they eliminate some major things before trying to finance a wedding. The older I get, the less enthused I am on spending a lot of money for a wedding, but I DO KNOW, I don't want to pay with credit. so yea…we gotta have the funds. yes we, my parents aren't balling and won't be paying for it. LOL.

    I've actually been the girl that has dated men in school, not a lot of money, etc and I'm okay with that if its a temporary situation. I'm also what many would call a "high maintenance" woman but I am VERY financial savvy over they years. I shop a lot but I save too. I don't think its fair to assume someone that likes nice things isn't fiscally responsible or lives paycheck to paycheck. I've had a lot of credit card debt in my youth and I pretty much wiped it out, and by paying my bills on time I've never had bad credit. Hopefully I never will.
    My recent post I’m not quite sure as to what is going down…

  32. Good post! When I think of getting married – I envision us living off one person's income (I'm guessing it will be my husband since I toil in the non profit world) and then banking the rest! I long for that day. But I digress… I think the bigger question(s) become are you getting with someone who understands wants vs. needs? Who has self-control in various areas of life, including financially? Are they always concerned with how others view them and need to keep up with the Jones'? These are important things to observe and discuss. And show and prove.
    My recent post What is the Cost of Kindness Wednesday?

  33. I'm never going to have just "our" money. I'm going to have my money, he's going to have his money, and in addition we're going to have our money. In other words, some of his paycheck and some of my paycheck will go into our account, which will be used for food, rent, etc, things that are both of our responsibility. But when he wants to go ahead and buy that new Call of Duty for 60 bucks or buy recreational substances for 200 despite having $8000 students loans, well, that's going to have to happen on his dime. Or if I want to go to the Caribbean or whatever, he shouldn't have to worry about it. I think joint accounts are especially difficult for women who decide to be stay-at-home moms. They have no income, collect no retirement funds, nothing, they are wholly dependent on the husband's income. So if something happens to him, she's in serious financial trouble. People just don't think about these things enough.

    I don't have a credit card and I never will. Credit cards are evil.

    1. "I don't have a credit card and I never will. Credit cards are evil."

      I keep reading/hearing this, and I never buy it. Credit cards do not force anyone's hand. I've had a credit card since I was 17 or so, and I've only ever used it to purchase things that I could pay off within minutes. I now use it to acquire rewards points, and it's never been a source of misery for me. People simply need to take responsibility for their lack of control.

  34. Another thought…

    I think the person in the relationship/marriage with stronger financial management skills should assume position of Chief Financial Officer (CFO). With my ex-hub, I was the CFO…although, admittedly, that's not my strong point. We did well financially, but we spent WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more than we saved…on really dumb stuff, lol. Moving forward, I'd prefer that my future husband be a skilled, strong CFO. He'll need to give me reports and access to everything. We'll need to discuss and agree on major financial moves. But, I'd prefer to defer to a CFO. My bf is a great potential CFO. And when he gave me the side-eye regarding some of my spending practices a while back, I gave him the green light to share his concerns and suggestions…and then I took his advice and reported the positive results…showing him my willingness to yield and defer if necessary. I'm positive that's what saved me, lol…

  35. 1.How large of a role does a potential mate’s debt or income play in your decision to commit?

    To date, I've had more money in the bank than all but one significant other. However, there wasn't much money-related stuff going on, so it didn't really matter. However, since I'm not a fan of dating for its sake and would like to date with a marriage state of mind, such things as debt and current and potential earnings have taken on new importance. I don't expect him to be free of debt, but I do expect that he is managing it in a responsible manner and that it is not a result of current bad spending habits. I think more important than actual debt figures is credit score. I'd be a bit wary of someone whose credit rating would affect our asset acquisition potential. I want someone who is responsible with his wallet, because it increases the likelihood that we're/we'll be on the same page as far as finances are concerned.

    2. Do you believe your money is your money and how you spend it has no effect on your partner?

    Yes to the first part. Until we exchange vows and establish a joint account, our finances are separate entities. I've been turned off by people's spending/splurging habits (relative to their financial position) in the past, so I wouldn't say that it has no effect on the other party. Also, whether or not someone is stingy/selfish with their money will make an impression on their partner. I'm not shy about picking up the bill after a meal, but I know that there are women who don't expect to pay for anything…ever.

    3. Does your partner have the right to know about your Sexually Transmitted Debt before they commit to you?

    Generally speaking, my partner will be privy to any information he deems necessary to evaluate our compatibility. Yes, this includes counts of a bodily nature.

    4. Does it matter if the man/woman makes more?

    To some extent, yes. Men and women are generally programmed with certain expectations, and it usually affects relationships. A lot of men complain that women bypass them because they earn less, but a lot of women in marriages with men who are not the breadwinner experience negativity deriving from feelings of inadequacy on the latter's part. This is usually seen in the post-secondary vs. no post-secondary education households, and studies have substantiated the fact that this kind of arrangement causes a lot of stress on both ends. I generally expect that my husband will make more than I do, but that's partly because I'll likely marry someone older than I who has had a headstart in the corporate world. I want someone who's at least in the same earning bracket, though.

    5. How do you plan to manage the finances in your household?

    Join accounts and joint financial decision-making, but I think it's cool if we both maintain separate chequing and/or credit card accounts as well. At least 85% of our incomes should go towards the joint account, though.

  36. Do you believe your money is your money and how you spend it has no effect on your partner?
    Of course I don't believe that. Especially when your married it's "The Money" and/or "Our Money" no more "my money". Again in the event of a divorce EVERYTHING is considered community property. So for example if a family member died and left you a home or property worth lots of money or a large sum of money your spouse has legal claim to a portion of it in the event of a divorce. Check out Anita Bakers story (even though her ex-husband was also her manager). Same thing with a business that you may have started on your own, once your married your spouse becomes part owner and has legal claim to that business. In the event of a divorce your spouse can keep you from selling that business and can legally have a say so in how the business is run. (I've seen this situation and it's not pretty).

  37. Does your partner have the right to know about your Sexually Transmitted Debt before they commit to you?
    Before being in a committed relationship, no it's not really necessary. If your dating then your dating, no more no less. However once a man thinks about proposing to a woman he needs to have a serious open and honest talk with her about her finances and spending habits Before he starts ring shopping and asking her ring size.

  38. When I get married I plan to have a joint account with my husband and we each have our own seperate accounts. To pay the bills we will add them up, split them in half and each put that amount into the joint account where the bills will be paid On Time.
    We will also have a joint savings emergency fund for emergency's. We will always have extra money in our seperate accounts and we will have a financial plan in case one person gets sick or loses their job.
    We will have common goals of what we will finance with our money ie vacations, school, things for kids, miscellaneous things etc etc etc. We will also have very similar spending habits.

  39. Does it matter if the man/woman makes more? How do you plan to, or if married already, manage the finances in your household? No because everything is shared. If your with a person you love then you don't mind sharing your wealth. Money is material and it comes and goes. Folks need to stop trippin about money. As long as the bills are paid on time and you have extra money left over and some type of savings and/or nest egg and investments it matters not who makes more. Both people should have common ideals as to where the money should go to beyond the bills.

  40. Men…just an fyi – Don't take for granted that you can know inside and out 100% what a womans spending habits are prior to marrying her.

  41. I don't think secret seperate accounts should be necessary within a marriage, however if your dealing with someone who is being irresponsible with the money then someone has to be the adult and protect yourselves financially.

  42. Women are clever creatures. When they are single and their credit is good and they may not spend like crazy and you think "ok she's perfect and she won't spend up my money" don't be so sure.
    Reality is sensible and responsible people do not spend what they don't have. They also don't spend up all their money if they have no cushion and financial support system.
    One thing marriage provides women with is a "financial cushion" and a "financial support system".
    So After a woman is married is when she will begin to spend more freely like she wants to and more frivilously simply because she knows she has a cushion and a financial support system and she can.
    This is something you may not see until after the fact.
    This can be handled by dealing with it quickly and effectively. Being firm but tactful and letting her know as soon as you see it that it needs to be curbed or stopped immediately. You also may want to always ensure you have your own money in a seperate secret account in your name only in case of an emergency.

  43. When my girlfriend and I decided to move in together we talked about my money, your money, our money. Since we were not getting married but are definitely on that path we decided to keep our money separate for the time being. However, we did talk about our incomes and how that would affect the bills. We agreed that since I make four times as much as her we would pay the bills at that same proportion. Although I didn't say it out loud when we were making these plans, I did have it in my mind that this would be a test to see if she could budget. Happily, with a little help she is doing great!

  44. Dating is a exhibit of passionate relationships in humans whereby two people run across socially with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a looked-for accomplice in an hidden relationship.
    It is a carriage of courtship, consisting of group activities done next to the match up, either alone or with others. The protocols and Do you think should have been fired? – Save natural resources to save the nature beat. practices of dating, and the terms worn to describe it, vary considerably from woods to territory and over time.
    While the while has various meanings, the most attend regularly form refers to two people exploring whether they are romantically or sexually compatible aside participating in dates with the other. With the use of trendy technology, people can woman via telephone or computer or only upon in person.

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