If offended by this post, please consult the above photo.
I was watching VH1’s Tough Love Miami the other day and the contestants had to tell potential mates about their deal breakers. It made me realize that a number of single men and women are failing relationship tests they don’t even realize they’re taking. In other words, men and women are constantly evaluating one another without the other partner being fully aware of the evaluation. I actually don’t have any one deal breaker myself, defined as a single reason why I would stop dating a woman I like but I do have a series of mental questions I like answered without asking. If a man ever randomly stopped calling you even though everything seemed perfect you probably “answered” one of his questions incorrectly. Mine include:
1. Can you admit when you’re wrong? A woman that can admit when she is wrong (without qualifiers) is one of the sexiest things on Earth. No one is always right. Sure, we all have enemies but if EVERYONE you’ve ever known is an enemy, most men are going to start looking at you, not your enemies, because you are the constant denominator. Crazy women are sexy as long as their particular strain of craziness is tolerable. Most men don’t like drama and if you lack the self-reflection to account for your own influence on your life’s trials and tribulations we will leave before we become the newest scapegoat for your latest failure.
2. How is your relationship with your father and men in general? If the words “men aint sh*t” leaves your mouth a few times a month, men will take notice even if they don’t comment. Ironically, as the “good men” abandon camp to avoid your emotional baggage the “aint sh*t” men are the ones left to treat you like…well, you see where I’m going with this.
Another issue as it pertains to fathers are women who want their boyfriend to be daddy #2 or if they never knew him, daddy #1. This is a weird situation. I guess the equivalent is men who expect you to you be their mother. Know how weird that feels? Exactly!
3. What do my friends think? There are two periods when a man’s friends can ruin your relationship: 1) right before you start dating and 2) right before you get married. Friends’ veto powers lessen as the relationship progresses, which means they have more influence in the beginning. I’ve walked away from a number of women on the advice of my friends who either knew something about the woman I didn’t or convincingly argued that she wasn’t the one for me. I know women hate this but it is what it is. My true friends know me best and can sometimes objectively assess a relationship better than myself especially in the beginning when I’m sometimes thinking with the wrong head.
4. How do you spend money? Some men don’t care how you spend money, namely ballers. Us regular guys do because we aren’t making it rain at Neiman Marcus every weekend. If you go through money like water and/or have a credit score less than the number of Spartan soldiers in 300, it will eventually affect us. I ended a relationship with one particularly high-maintenance woman with the phrase, “I like you but I can’t afford you.”
5. Do you work out or eat right? As I wrote about in From Elegant to Elephant: When Your Woman Gains Weight, I prefer a woman that works out or eats well or both. Admittedly, some women are lucky. They have good genes, they can eat whatever they want, never work out, and they will still age like a fine wine. Other women eat a piece of bread on Monday and weigh 20 pounds more by the weekend. Just look at your High School friends on Facebook. Having “good genes” is not a long-term health plan. Life isn’t fair. Know thy self and deal.
We can argue all day about the degree but all men are visual creatures. If you want to gain 100 pounds because “a man should love me for me” more power to you but if you’re 21 – 25, never work out, and eat everything on the McDonald’s menu most men will put in their two-week notice before your waistline quits.
6. Can I make you happy? I dated a woman once that I really liked and who claimed to really like me but for the life of me I couldn’t keep her happy. It was almost like she refused to be happy. As fellow writer, Mr. Spradley, explained on Five Things About Women I’ll Teach My Son – You Can’t Save Them All; some women are emotionally broken and can’t be fixed until they choose to recognize they’re broken in the first place.
In my case, every time we seemed to make progress, I was hit with a barrage of “what if” questions and “the last guy” scenarios. I know stuff happens and people do us wrong but as Musiq Soulchild pointed out on Previous Cats, I’m not to blame for the pain that was caused by previous cats who had your heart before me. Your present man shouldn’t have to pay for the sins of men past. Forcing a good man to atone for all bad men will make him leave you.
7. Question/deal breaker #7 is for you. Ladies and gentlemen, what is a question you must have answered before you are comfortable committing? What is your deal breaker?
My unspoken question is "How do you deal with conflict and disagreements". I don't like conflict or negative energy, If he's the type that would rather let his issues fester then he isn't that one for me. He needs to be able to deal with it and move on because that's how i roll,
+1
Great addition! Though it's not because "that's how I roll"; I definitely look for someone better at this than I am, a person that can complement me, because it's a weakness of mine.
7. Are you able to emote?
The only 'laid back' women I want in my life are the ones with to chill with and play Playstation, have a serious conversation, or listen to Madlib. I can't do it otherwise. I like to see women be extremely expressive emotionally. Seeing you ecstatic and enthusiastic fulfills me and makes me happy regardless of what's going on in my mind.
Guilty… Guilty….. Guilty!!! #Welp
I’ve been told that I am too laid back in regards to my emotions when dealing with men. I’m sorry but i’m not about that life anymore (throwing BF’s “Beyotch Fits”) because you didn’t do what you said you were going to do; I’m not your momma or a prison warden, I don’t have the time nor the energy for all of that. It takes a lot now for me to get into my feelings — I just smile and nod my head and say “No Problem/It’s Cool” but what I will do is make a mental note of it. *wink*
IJustCan’t!!! *shrug*
Awwww. I like this one!! I often hold back because i feel like an extreme dork when random things make me really happy. And I hate feeling like someone is annoyed by my enthusiasm. 🙁 #BuzzKill
…Know that this can, however, work against some of us from time to time…
I took your earlier tweets as a challenge to come and prove you wrong or at least call you out on something, but I must concede defeat. At least it's sexy…right? Right? Whatevs.
I haven't really thought about deal breakers, although I'm certain I have some. Hmm, let's see.
1) Are you relationship averse/do you have a problem with titles? I'm not going to give myself a headache explaining five months from now why we spend every other day together, but you're not quite my man. If it isn't a big deal, at least call it what it is. Also, if you have a problem with the idea of a relationship in any way, shape, or form, and just prefer to take things slow until some lightbulb goes off in your head 10 years down the line…we can't hang.
2)Religion I respect people of all religions, but I'm going to have to pass if our respective faiths don't align.
3)Do you have drive/ambition? As nonchalant as I can be, I have professional goals and money on my mind. In fact, that's the one thing that my nonchalance can't penetrate. Pause if necessary. If you're blasé about life/work and let the chips fall where they may….we can share a couple of laughs, but we ain't gon' be nothing but people sharing laughs. The caveat here is that you can remain stagnant if you're in a "comfortable" place, with the latter being subjective in my favour.
4)Can you handle your finances? I am not building a pristine financial record so that you can bring it all crashing down if we ever join forces. Also, I find it unimpressive if you aren't disciplined enough to prioritize your funds. Credit cards are not the devil; they do not force you to spend outside of your budget accommodation.
5) Can I just be myself and lead a peaceful existence with you? At the end of the day, I don't want to have to think twice before saying what's on my mind, nor do I want a constant stream of headaches. I want to be able to nestle myself comfortably against your frame and just enjoy our time together. To be able to discuss issues like mature adults. To have infinitely more moments that make me smile than those that or frustrate me. This should really be at the top, so my list is clearly not ordered by importance.
lmao. I just remembered that this was supposed to be one deal breaker. Well, let's just make that #5, then. It kinda handles a lot, if not all of the other things I spelled out.
Your novels are ALWAYS a good read tho. 🙂
*JustSayin*
lol Thanks! =)
I would start to worry if your comments were brief 🙂
#5
Haha! I used to catch a lot of flack on some other website back in the day for the length of my posts. Needless to say, it didn't change a thing.
Number five, number five … NUMBER FIVE!!!!! 🙂
I like that #5!!!!
Ummm mMmm. Good Question. *Clapping*
I'm lovin #5!!!! Yes, YES!
#3 cosign. Nothing sexier than a man on a mission. It doesn’t even have to be a grand mission. Just have one.
Number 3 is tricky… I prefer a nonchalant man… I think.
I think two very career driven people in one household might be rough… who's promotion wins out? If we both get exceptional offers in new cities, who has to concede? Who's going to take off with sick babies? As much as I'd love for it all to be equal… i just can't wrap my mind around how it could be… so I think your caveat is super important!
My own caveat: I haven't tried to have a relationship with an ambitious career plan…
It only works if you remove the language of "winning" and "conceding". Each decision is made separately and objectively. It's still one pot of joint household money at the end of the day.
I understand the nuance and importance of word choice…
…but at the end of the day, a sacrifice has to be made. And I can only imagine from my own experience with trying to follow my dreams, it can get dicey.
It's not about the money- in my scenario if he's as ambitious as I am, we can live off either one of our salaries and one person can stay home. So it's not the money…
…but since I haven't done it and maybe you're doing it now I'll just have to take your word for it, lol.
See, I think there's a huge jump between nonchalance and being very career driven. Even though I talk about ultimately wanting to be a VP every now and again, I don't really want to engage in work that will consume any semblance of a life that I may have. I need you to at least care enough to want to be in a certain income bracket. I don't plan to be chauffeured around in limos, but I do want a comfortable lifestyle that affords me some luxuries every now and again. By blasé, I mean someone who is content with putting up a sub-par performance at a sub-par job…although I understand that the latter is subjective as well.
All praise to #5!!!!!
Great list @NaijaSweetz. I didnt mention Religion because I'm not a very religious guy. I believe in God but…well, I dont feel like going into that today. Religion hasnt been a specific issue of contention in my experience BUT I also havent dated overtly religious women. I'm sure this is a cause/effect scenario.
I like #5, too. As I've spoken about before, I use to adjust who I was to my girlfriend at the time because I thought that would make things more peaceful. It was to my own detriment. Eventually I learned that I'm just going to do me and hopefully she's fine with that. If not, life goes on.
Gracias. Yeah, I figured as much. To be honest with you, it's a conscious decision I've made because I do want to grow further in my faith as I age. A great way to do that is to have a partner who encourages you and vice versa, and it's nice to be on the same page. Religion hasn't played a big part in my romantic life to-date, but I'm at the point where I have to consider every potential relationship's long term viability. I can see myself messing around and foregoing that requirement, but it likely would be short-lived.
Yep, take me as I am or have nothing at all is where I'm at. I mean, I'll work with you to a reasonable extent, but I'm not going to change who I am for you.
BTW: I wrote a whole post about #5 on your list. If weight holds people (esp. women) back from being in a relationship. http://whoucallinabitch.com/2011/11/16/big-love-i…
"My true friends know me best and can sometimes objectively assess a relationship better than myself " I am with you entirely!! Females (or people in general) might disagree with it, but there are times when you are blinded by something you think is great and need someone from the outside to help you see what you been overlooking on purpose.
But everything you stated are things for me also. I might not ask an open question, but I do take notice and look for certain things. A rule breaker for me…..
1, How often is she going to the clubs or bars. If she wants to be out shaking her butt all the time on the next man while single…she can. I don't care. She's single. But if you're my woman…then that level has to be moderate.
2, Was she a hoe. Sometimes its easy to tell, other times you really have to notice things. And even though its possible to turn a hoe into a housewife (they are the mothers and wives of tomorrow), I still don't want to be the man that did it.
And really just females with baggage. Not trying to save anyone and not here to help someone get over her past with guys or the issues she held on to from growing up badly or something.
people are going to hate on 3. But if you have quality friends, its nothing to fear. Its easy to fool one man, but fooling a posse….
One major one I look for is…
1) Do you have anger issues? A man who cannot control his anger or who pops off…is a bad, bad sign. Not only can it be damaging to the relationship, but it can also lead to abuse. If you "go off" all the time, we're probably not going to work.
2) Do you know how to communicate? If talking to dude is like playing 20 questions and I have to trying to prompt him & guess what's ailing him, another bad sign. People who usually hold everything in often lash out in anger when things get to be too much and then…well, see # 1
3) Are you an excessive flirt? It's one thing to be nice, it's quite another to be SUPER friendly to EVERY (beautiful) woman you meet. No bueno.
#2! #2!! #2!!! #2!!
Yessssss. So sexy a man that communicates with you without having to pull his teeth!
Do you know how to communicate?
This is my measuring stick. There are a lot of women who believe they communicate well, and I have had the unfortunate duty to release some of the helium out of their unilateral delusionment. Speaking one’s mind does not get a person a gold star in communication. Effective communication includes effective listening; it includes rational discussions for the purpose of building a plane of understanding not a competition to the finish line of right and wrong. In both my personal and professional life I have encountered women who place so much value in being heard and being right that they create a competitive environment that I can’t be bothered with. I desire a companion not a competitor. And once a woman values being right over understanding varying points of views based on individual backgrounds…I pull the plug. Check please!!
+5
I’ve been called an excessive flirt before. I think I’m just nice. Can I help that WIM is likeable?
There's a different between being "likable" and flirting with every woman you see. I don't mind being nice, or even playful, but flirting with EVERYONE? And in over-the-top ways? Nah, son.
Definitely number 2. We know men don't talk as much as we do, but its hard to determine the line between being nagging and trying to make a situation work. To us women, communication can solve that. After the 3rd time that we have to probe about different issues, we may consider throwing in the towel. Doesnt mean you aren't manly, it actually tells us you want something out of the situation and are willing to work toward it..
I agree with one and two. In fact, you saved me from having to write it all out. 🙂
Some have already been said…
Are you a communicator?
Are you an a$$hole?
Are capable of being in a relationship?
Are you in a relationship?
What are your goals?
Do you love your family?
What type of family do you come from? (large or small)
Did you go you college? If not, why?
I don’t know…all are good to me, but I guess the a$$hole question is my dealbreaker. Im too happy-go-lucky..and most times men like that are controlling. Not my thang :-\
Can you have orgasms…? (Vaginal with penetration) Very important to help a woman get to that point.
What???
lol
I'm curious to know how you would go about bringing that up? o__o And honestly, I can't see any woman telling a man (a potential future mate)….. "NO, sorry but I can't have orgasms"
I bring it up almost all the time… But I am an aspiring professional mind f*cker, so I think most can imagine how I can pull this off…
Interesting. I dont know how serious you are but I dated a woman that couldnt orgasm from penetration alone. I didnt see it as a deal breaker. It was more of a challenge. We found other fun and exciting ways to get her to the valley of rivers and streams but I will admit it is an ego bruiser knowing that you're magic stick will never be the sole reason a girl reaches the most high.
It is a mental issue, cause s*x is 100% mental. Happens
I am serious 95% of the time
To clarify, I assume you mean for men, because some women just dont orgasm from penetration. Anyway, this conversation seems to be going left so I'm just going to end with I'm not opposed to the oral traditions and that's all I have to say about that…
Actually every woman can orgasm through vaginal sex. They have to be taught. In physcology there is the saying "the primates have to be taught" Every thing we do is taught. So things come so naturally most people can not recall when they couldnt sit up in a chair or when they would deficate on themselves and be comp[letely happy. But they were trained. Same is true with orgasm for both women and men. The ability to orgasm lies dormant in the brains hypothalamus and must be awaken. The point is orgasm is as primal as eating. And if a woman can feel hunger then she can orgasm.
This is relational gospel if I've ever read it. As a woman, I still relate with each deal breaker! Even if men and women look for different attributes in their significant other, the moral of the story is still the same: 1) Are you crazy? 2) Will you make me crazy? There are more eloquent ways to summarize those two questions but let's be honest: Most people in the dating process just want to ensure the person they're dealing with has all cards on deck- or at least enough to play a reputable game. My additional deal breaker is simple:
Do we have chemistry?
And while most people may think this is a obvious and transparent question, in my dating experience it's a question that has caused more than its fair share of headaches to answer. Chemistry is so relative. It's the reason you're attracted to someone you don't readily find physically attractive, or why that person you think is just so physically appealing never quite did it for you. I've known a few men that were perfect on paper: educated, attractive, good family relationships, sound conversational skills, ambitious, financially stable- the nine. There was just no spark. No zest. No zing. No butterflies. Nothing. And while chemistry isn't everything, the person you chose to be romantically involved with should have an X-factor to them. It doesn't need to be exclusively sexual or physical. But your significant other should possess some quality that separates them from just anyone walking in the door right behind them with the same credentials. There are some people that you can date but not marry. There are people you can love and not marry. What says the 'almost' and the 'maybes' in terms of longevity is the wee little phrase 'till death do us part.' You have to be able to find something special, lovable, and attractive on the days you least feel like it. There needs to be something that makes your 'significant other' significant to you. That's why so many people find themselves in loveless relationships. Being married for lifestyle and sensibility is important but can only take you so far. Chemistry is what separates someone you can live with from the one you can't live without.
"Being married for lifestyle and sensibility is important but can only take you so far."
Chuuch!!!
1) Are you comfortable with putting in the work that it takes to be in a relationship?
2) Are you committing to me b/c you want to be with me or do you think it’s the only way you can have me?
3) A man that understand just b/c we are now together doesn’t mean he stops doing what he did to get me or even do more than what he did to get me?
4) What are your goals and plans for life and how will that affect our relationship. (Ex: your goal might be to do wild life photography 6 months out the year in Africa, which means half the year I won’t see you, that can’t be stressful on two ppl)
5) Can you answer a question openly and honestly without being defensive and beating around the bush?
#5. This is my absolute dealbreaker. Some men have a policy of never giving a woman complete information. Their communication is always vague, and when you try to pin them down, they get mad. These men cannot be trusted.
My main deal breaker is can I do what I love and be myself without judgement?
This is not saying that someone has to be totally into everything that you're doing. Hell, my wife could give a shit about video games or most of the shows I watch. But she knows I love them and they help me be happy. Gotta have individual happiness before group happiness.
Shareef, this is a good one and I ask myself this with every woman I seriously talk to.
My #1 deal breaker is dealing with a woman who doesn't have a college degree. This may sound shallow, but in my experience with dating women, I just can't relate to someone who hasn't had the "college experience" aka hillman college memories..lol It's good to share those college experiences with your significant other or dating partner rather than having to explain to someone how dorm life is, the Thursday nigh parties, or going to a football game on a Saturday with that special "magical drink" in the infamous red cup.
Admittedly, I think im learning this the hard way. I find myself not having alot in common with women who flat out didnt go or plan to go to college. I guess it shows a lack of ambition for one, but also college is where u learn to live on ya own, prioritize ya time, deal with difficult people etc.
Not having a college degree may get added to my list. In the past, 2 guys who I've dated that didn't have degrees felt like they had to tell me that they were smarter than me. Lol. Mind you, I'm not the type of woman that flashes my degree in a man's face or puts them down. Has this ever happened to anyone? Or any insight into this situation?
Yeah, it has never happened to me, but I think it is an insecurity issue some people may have. It's probably more of a reflection of what society has deemed necessary, having a college degree, that cause this insecurity feeling. I am one to say that having a degree doesn't make a person, but from my experiences, that is a commonality that usually goes along way for me in dating women.
And yet… someone can have multiple degrees and never have had this experience because they lived off campus *shrug*
College degree…never lived on campus… <<<<< ME!
*shrug*
No different world type stories from me, lol…I had no idea that could count against me!!!
Meh, it's me too, lol.
But that's the thing about preferences… there will always be a few who slip through the cracks!
Wow, this threw me for a loop. It does sound a little shallow to be honest. I guess it depends on what % of conversation with your significant other is comprised of college remiscing. For me, it's never been much, and I absolutely love my time at Brown. College remniscing is usually reserved with my old college friends and such – when we get together my wife usually doesn't want to hear it anyway, lol. We do trade college stories but it's such a small percentage of our convos that I can't see it being a deal breaker.
i can see this applying if you're in or just out of college, but not so much when your deep into the working world.
Interesting deal breaker P. Parker. I have seriously dated a woman that didnt graduate college and I notice she always through it in as a slight like "Mr. College educated over here…" It was funny at first but after a while it came off as bitter. This was a limited experience though. I'm more focused on her career or lack there of than her education specifically. I've met some dumb college educated people and vise versa. If we can have an intelligent discussion and you arent sitting around on the living room couch eating flamming hot cheetos and watching soaps 24-7, we should be good. Basically, just be motivated to do something. It doesnt have to be a traditional career but I dont want a woman that is content sitting around staring in space 24 hours a day either.
Very true, but I am only speaking from my experiences. I have met women who didn't do the traditional college route and in most cases our conversations are dead or there is no ambition to better themselves or situation. Not to say college/higher education pass high school is everything or it will guarnatee a job/career, but you do learn valuable skills and your network usually expands from the group of people you meet. Most ambitious women, who I prefer to date, usually have a college degree or are working on something pass a high school degree.
"[Miss] College educated over here…"
WIM I've gotten the same thing…. it's always been a fine line… but thankfully for me (considering my preference has alwasy been non-college educated men) it's usually jokingly/admiringly and rarely crosses over into bitter.
I'm trying to expand what I'm attracted to when it comes to this situation though.
I don't have any major dealbreakers, I tend to be open-minded and let things progress naturally because if you really listen to a person they will basically tell you everything you want to know about themselves and you can make your assessments from there.
A question that would give me Pause based on their response:
1) What are you thoughts/feelings on homosexuality… If you had a child or if your current child was to turn gay/bi/lesbian what would your reaction be, would you disown him or her, be ashamed, etc.?
Can't really think of anything else right now.
Does she have a sense of humor?
This is relative. I know.
I'm the unofficial Sultan of Raunch and Randomness. If she gets uncomfortable when I mention anatomy, gives me the side-eye for an R-rated joke, or makes me feel like I have to go in another room to have a convo with one of my boys, then it's not gonna work. This has nothing to do with how much I respect her. It has everything to do with who I am as a person.
Does she read blogs?
Whether she says yes or no isn't the dealbreaker. The dealbreaker is how she responds when I ask her what she thinks of them and what she reads. Writing very well could become a full-time career and I don't want to have to filter myself every time I go to write something honest that she may not like. I also don't want to have to explain every post, it's underlying motives, etc. I've had to do that before and it was hell.
Does she expect me to pay for everything?
It shouldn't be the man's responsibility to pay for every outing.
I can relate to both of those deal breakers… I'm usually a sarcastic person and I like some one that gets that. The blog bit usually weeds out alot of men. It usually goes something like this, Me: "i write a blog in my spare time" Him: " I don't read that kind of stuff (with a look of disgust)" Me: **Deleting his number….
Good point about the blogging Slim that I forgot to address. Thus far, this hasnt been an issue and I actually tell every woman upfront that I write. Some, however, make the mistake of not reading my blog and have been shocked of the content but that's their bad. I dont plan on stopping or changing how I write, so if a woman isnt ok with that it would actually be a deal breaker.
question to all the bloggers, how important is it to you that the woman your with reads and understands your blogs?
For instance, if you meet a woman who is great in every way and you like her alot but she tells you blogging (reading and/or writing) is not her thing is that really that big of a problem?
She does support everything you do and doesn't stop you from doing what you love to do she just doesn't share that passion with you.
To me thats like saying just because your a mystery novelist you can't be with a woman who doesn't read and enjoy mystery novels, even though she doesn't hinder your writing or creativity at all……….I'm just sayin…..
It's not important to me that she regularly reads and understands my blogs. But, if I want her perspective on an article because I want it to reach someone that thinks the way she does, then I'd like her to read that particular post and offer feedback. The same goes for any of my other friends. They can support me without reading everything I put out there. I value people's time.
ok cool Slim….I asked because I wanted to know if you guys could respect the fact that a woman could not share your interest/passion for blogging and writing but still support you, love you, and allow you to freely be who you are.
I personally dont care one way or the other if she reads my blog
I actually prefer that she does NOT read my blog because then I dont have the "what did you mean by" conversation. For me, it's more about does she expect me to not blog/write at all or change how I blog because that's not going to happen.Slim I agree with the sense of humor…thats very important to me as well. I like people who can make me laugh when I feel like crying.
I've been waiting on this post, WIM…you didn't disappoint, lol. I co-sign all but #5. I think its important to maintain your appearance. But, exercise/eatting habits aren't deal breakers for me. For as long as you aren't eatting a tub of lard before bed every night…smashing a whole cake with every meal, I think I'm good, lol.
On second thought, I originally said being a clown was my #1 deal breaker but thats more like my #1 Turn Off, lol. We'll never really get to having a deal to break…
My #1 deal breaker is probably dishonesty and frequent occurrences of dumb stuff. I don't think I have to explain dishonesty. But dumb stuff is so avoidable if one would simply think, short and long term, before they act. And with that in mind, and all the real issues in relationships, I don't have time or energy for dumb stuff.
Yeah I mentioned this last week and accidentally put a deadline on myself to get it drafted. Pertaining to #5, I guess I'm just paranoid. I've seen some X's balloon up and I'm thinking to myself, "Damn. I almost married that. Dodged a bullet that is not the size of a cannon ball." Plus, I know I beat that point over the head but I naturally like working out so I try not to make it that big of a deal. As someone said up thread, we dont have to have the same interest. Still, if the woman I choose to spend the rest of my life with "lets herself go," which I feel is usually something she has complete control over, I'm going to feel some type of way…
Wis if you want a eternally fit woman you need to get with AJ Johnson from HouseParty or only holla at chicks at the gym or wholistic natural Erykah Badu and India Arie type chicks…lol
Even model chicks once they stop modeling will start making up for all those missed meals and pick up some pounds, ie Tyra Banks and my best friend who is a former model…lol
lol well, it hasnt been that big of an issue so far and I dont only date gym/model chicks. Of course, I havent been with someone "forever" either. My thing is I'm a visual guy and I know it. You can call this a flaw or you can call it what you want. I like attractive women. If I'm going to be with you forever I want to remain attracted you, physically and beyond but yes, physically is an aspect. I'm sure it's not just me but if I'm the only one willing to fall on that sword it is what it is.
I feel you Wis….but the reality is when your talking about "forever" as we all age our body changes and you will not look like your 20 something when your almost 60 yrs old. Plus you can work out and eat healthy and it doesn't necessarily guarantee that you won't acquire some illness or disease like cancer, multiple sclerosis, parkinsons disease or anything else.
So when those looks fade I think it's important to be attracted to much more than looks.
My grandma is 90 yrs old (and has a "boyfriend") lol. She taught me that if you live long enough at a certain age looks don't matter much at all and it's about remaining attracted to the other persons mind and personality and still enjoying their company. I'm just sayin…………*smile*
I do feel you though….the reality is that we all wanna be with someone we're attracted to in some way, shape, or form.
LOL! My bf and I just simply agreed to, at the minimum, maintain our current look and match each others efforts (you work out, I'll go ahead and pop in a DVD too, etc.).
lol…I heard that cynical.
See alot of good choices already, so trying to bring a completely different reason i’d say…
7. How well do you understand me: I’m pretty abnormal. Depending on the day i could be watching ESPN, a history documentary, cartoons
or nroq. Some days im extra simptastic and others your very presense might annoy me. White liquor makes me crazy, i dont respond well to criticism, and i might change my outfit 4 times before we go out. My perfect woman would understand this, or a pretty good one would conveniently ignore my oddness.Normal is relative. Different is good. It intrigues.
LMBO! Gemini madness at its best!
I don't see anything abnormal about any of this. Many things appeal to you, you're true to how you feel, you're confident in your actions cause your intelligence is off the charts so if someone challenges them they better come correct, and you like to look good! Quite logical…
6/15, lol…
So, i stepped my game up and got me a tablet which means I can come back to regularly scheduled commenting! (The blackberry websurfing struggle was just TOO much). Btw, I highly recommend the new nook tablet. Its a great value for its price point, if you're like me and cant financially justify dropping a minimum of $500 on an ipad – i love apple products, but my bank acct doesnt. Womp.
Anyways, my biggest dealbreaker is probably is whether or not you can accept my flaws. Just like guys hate when chicks try to change them, it goes the other way around too. If I care for you, I will always try to be the best version of myself when I am with you – but if you cant handle the chinks in my armor ( to a reasonable extent, of course) then we cant kick it.
Is she more infatuated with the idea of being in love with love or more interested in being in love with me and our specific situation.
Some (not all) people
womenat some point seem to have their romantic script of their love life written out in their own screen play and are in love with it and are just looking for characters to fill the roles. Nothing is wrong with making a great movie, but if I'm the male lead and forget a line or two should I be worried about getting recast? If I answer yes to that question then I'll have to possibly pull an Eddie Murphy and remove myself from the project.My number one dealbreaker was honesty, but my number two is selfishness. People with a poverty mentality who are always trying to get over, or get more than the other person. People who think they have to constantly be on guard against people getting over on them. This mentality makes people act very selfish. I’m not like that and I can be around people like that.
“People with a poverty mentality who are always trying to get over, or get more than the other person. People who think they have to constantly be on guard against people getting over on them. This mentality makes people act very selfish.”
This is one of the biggest issues I deal with. Men and women that grew up poor or in the hood have this issue. This is one of my biggest gripes with dealing with women from the hood. They don’t deal with people on a fair basis. It’s so bad that they don’t realize that they do it. It’s a very uncivilized way of dealing with people. What’s worse is that they feel they have every right to get over until you say something about it. They know they’re wrong but if you let them do it then they feel it’s fair.
Imma cosign this too. My ex was a genius, street smart plus intellectual with only a GED, I was impressed cause he could keep up with just about any convo from the low to the high. But I simply hated that all his knowledge was spent on how to get over on stuff. He would learn smtg and so quickly figure out a hustle he could create in moments. The more I go to know him the more I realized we would not work cause everything isn't about getting over to me and I don't mind earning my keep.
Just to be throwing something out there, I think a dealbreaker for me wouldn't necessarily come at the beginning of a relationship, but somewhere in between. I'm a random kind of person. I strongly believe that people connect through magnetic forces, or as "FreshWithDepth" said so beautifully, chemistry. My dealbreakers usually come about after 2 years or so where I have to know: "Do I still do it for you or have you lost sight of the minor details (ie. personality, charm, physique) that brought us together in the first place and always kept your engines reved?" I don't do short-lived relationships, and I've noticed that after a while, everything begins to become all too familiar and scheduled. I guess we can also relate this to #6 of WIM's list.
OAN: I absolutely cannot do #3, I feel no one elses opinion matters. I don't usually have this problem because I am limited on my social circle (VERY LIMITED) and I like to keep it that way. I don't feel the need for extra influence on life choices that effect only me and no one else. If he ain't s!ht… lemme find out on my own. Male or female, all I hear are birds chirping
Worrying about accidentally tripping someone's alarm system by being myself is a bummer. I've had many relationships where I felt like I was trying out from first date to breakup and that is absolutely no fun. Please do not come at me with a check list like, "Uh oh. Somebody got too upset about being late for work today. You know I will only marry a woman who is constantly cool and collected." I just can't be walking on thin ice.
So, basically, the biggest thing I don't miss about being in a relationship is feeling like I'm auditioning constantly instead of just enjoying it. and that's also my number one reason for getting out of one. I'm just me. You're just you. Neither of us is perfect.
I feel you on this. Dont want to feel like you're walking on egg shells all the time.
I see what you're saying but to a degree, at least for me, it is a tryout. Especially at the age/mind I'm at now, I really dont see the point in waisting time in a relatonship if it isnt going to go anywhere. It's cool. No hard feelings and we can be friends but there should be a point or at least an understanding to our interaction. I'm not saying we have to get married but if we're not, I want that to be perfectly clear to both parties.
My point is not that I have a problem with people deciding whether they want to marry someone. I don't get involved with pointless relationships either, which is one of the reasons I'm single. If they're not going anywhere, why bother?
But no, a relationship is NOT a tryout. I'm in a RELATIONSHIP with you. If we're together, I should fulfill the checklist in your mind, but you shouldn't make me aware of it. It shouldn't be like every time I do something that I know is a pet peeve of yours, I'm waiting for the axe to fall. We may as well not be together. Put someone more willing through the paces. I'm looking to be with someone who's not constantly critiquing me.
Some people want to jump through hoops to be that person that's perfect. Others understand that neither person is going to get through all hoops and if you look at a person as a checklist, then you're not really seeing THEM. Some of your questions above I'd pass. Some I'd fail. If I have to pass all of them all the time for us to be together, then yeah, lets cut our losses.
This might be a matter of semantics. I agree that a RELATIONSHIP is a step further than DATING. Whereas the above questions are more for when we're dating, because I really dont know anything about you at that time other than I have an interest in you for whatever reason. Also, to clarify, you dont have to answer every question correctly. In fact, for some, there is no "right" answer. That's why they're mental observations. If I'm in a relationship with you, you've likely met most or answered enough of the questions "correctly" for me to feel comfortable moving forward with you. Hope that clarifies my comment/post.
That does clarify it. And honestly, that is legit.
Right now, the idea of being weighed and measured by another person who is "dating" or in a "relationship" with me, isn't at all appealing. Work, school and family have more straight-forward guidelines for success. For a long time, I thought I was interested in the romance stuff, even marriage, but then I realized that I can't take that external critique and worrying in my personal life, so it would be best to sit things out for a while.
I guess I'm not really in the business of pleasing someone or living up to their standards at the moment, because I'm concerned with living up to my own.
#1 – Do I respect him as a Man?
Quite broad, but really, that's what it all boils down to. I fully plan to submit to my husband, so he's gotta be worthy of that. I have to be able to trust him with my life, with my family's well being. To make it right when he's made an mistake. To ask for input or help when he needs it. To do what's right when no one is watching. Whether it be him not taking care of his health or disrespecting me in some way, it all comes back to – can I respect, honor, and obey this man?
My deal breaker is will he smother me? I love and need my space. It doesn't mean my feelings are less but that's hard to convey when so many people equate time together with how much you love someone. I believe we can be a team and yet still keep our individuality. Maybe I am asking too much… I dont know. All I do know is the man that can accept that me needing space isn't personal is going to be the one that stays around the longest.
“1. Can you admit when you’re wrong?” I can, but it ain’t easy. It ain’t easy for no one. Hell, even when ya’ll do, it’s mostly just to get us to shut up, which is just as bad if not worse than the qualifiers. Oh right, this ain’t about ya’ll. Hee. But yeah, while it’s few and far between I have just conceded when the evidence against my favor was soooo overwhelming, I just couldn’t even lie.
“2. How is your relationship with your father and men in general?” My relationship with my father was great yet cut too short. I have issues because of this that I’m working on. However, I love the company of men… but because of painful experiences may have trouble trusting too easily.
Can’t answer number 3 because… yo friends have to. lol
“4. How do you spend money?” While I’ve been known to splurge, I’m pretty much neurotic about my account in terms of what I take out and what that leaves me. And my credit score is bawse.
“6. Can I make you happy?” Of course I gotta make my own happiness first, but you can certainly add to it. 😀
NOOOO idea how i skipped 5 and 7. Oh, because I'm sleepy.
"5. Do you work out or eat right?" I definitely need to be more consistent with both. I have my slip ups and generally let my mood effect how well I do with each of these, but in terms of working out in general… I am pretty active. I just have my sluggish moments.
"7. Question/deal breaker #7 is for you." I can accept commitment if he doesn't respect the fact that I don't want to have kids until I'm married. Now… I know ish happens and you end up having children… but in terms of TRYING for them… if he wants them NOW (without a marriage license… lol)… sorry buddy.
1. Can you admit when you’re wrong?
This is so important. I realize that women that can't admit when they're wrong usually have a other issues.
2. How is your relationship with your father and men in general?
What I'm worried about in addition to what was stated above is if her dad was present but spoiled her rotten. If he raised a woman with "princess syndrome" I want nothing to do with her.
3. What do my friends think?
I agree with this to an extent. Some of my friends don't have the best judgement when it comes to women.
4 – 6 are right on the money.
7. Question/deal breaker #7 is for you.
I have a few but one of my deal breakers is what WildCougar mentioned above. I'm cannot stand selfishness, the always trying to get over mentality, and people who deal with relationships on a least common denominator basis. E.g. You know its wrong to piss on the carpet but you piss on the carpet consistently because you can and you'll continue to do it until someone checks you on it
I've experienced the "prince syndrome" and it's not pretty!! On his father's side, dude was the only boy among several sisters and on his mom side, he was the "good" son while his brother did drugs, had kids, baby mama drama, jail, etc. So everybody spoiled him. And they actually refer to him as Prince. It was bad.
"Admitting when you're wrong" – Loved this one! Humility is sexy. "Working out/ eating right"- lines up with my lifestyle. If I'm in a relationship with a man who's values (spiritual beliefs/ financial practices/ career path/ etc.) I admire and personality I appreciate (sense of humor/ intelligence/ etc.), the only deal breaker would be suddenly changing your values in a major way that affected my reasons for being with you in the first place. Other than that, (and this isn't necessarily a deal breaker) I would like my guy to know that I love surprises and spontinaety. This doesn't have to mean spending a bunch of money. It's more about being creative and breaking out of our little box sometimes. This could include cooking me something we've never had before, exploring a new hiking trail, or a road trip up the coast for the day. The quality of enjoying life is a must 🙂
I like this list. It all makes sense to me.
The only one that may need a little tweaking for me is #4… I'm a fan of the joint and individual accounts… We put X into the joint per month and gets spent "wisely"… but we also have solo accounts… so, as long as you don't tell me how to spend the money that is supposed to be mine to do whatever I want with, we good. And I have to say that because I am simply not that uber frugal person… I like seeing the world. I'm not going to live a boring life just to watch money stack faster in my account. Naw son, give me Paris while I'm living.
7. Can he deal with my moods? How? Again, I'm logical for an _emotional_ person. I get emo. And girly… quick. All I can say is, fortunately for the guy, in like 5 minutes it's gone and I'm back to logical/even-keeled. I've also gotten pretty good at recognizing it in myself and saying flat out "I'm emotional about this" or "excuse me while I go into girly mode for a minute" BUT the important thing is that he still has to respect the moment I'm having and not act like because it's an emotional moment it's no longer valid, or that there's something inherently wrong with emotionality. I think it also helps that I don't mind being teased about it later, lol. I can't count how many times I've reminded a man about something (sometimes just a homeboy) and he basically had blocked out the whole thing, citing "oh yeah that was that day you were on that girl sh!t" O_o And that's cool, because now? We bout to talk about it and if you had listened the first time you might have been spared this story. LOL.
8. Is he generally happy? I need that. My internal compass is pensive. In order to have balance in the house, he can't be as serious as I am. And yet, sometimes he has to.
I think eating habits would be a dealbreaker for me. If a dude is just super picky and unwilling to try anything new, that is just a turn off. But as an extension of that, I'd like a dude who is just picky enough over his food to not be eating dumb stuff or unhealthy stuff all the time. That type of behavior is passed on to your kids. Speaking of, bad parenting is a dealbreaker though it might take you a long time to realize it. Even if we're deep into the relationship and I realize you're a bad dad, I'm bouncing. Sorry. Our parenting styles have to complement one another. Something I'm on the fence about is health, like do you have any diseases. Diabetes? Lupus? Sickle cell? Grave's? Things like that. If I love you, I'm gonna want to stand by you but then I'd have to worry about whether we should have kids. I pretty much co-sign your list though except number two. I've got parent issues so I can imagine my man having them too.
Great comments!
Mine would be "Is your greatest flaw worth overcoming to stay with you?" We all have isht that we could do without. Negative qualities. But if you canot accept someone for who they are while genuinely challenging them to be better, and not to nag, then you cant be with me, and shouldnt be with anyone else!
WIM did it again!
Streetz me and you are usually <<<<<here>>>>>> but your question is something that I'm thinking you have to be able to answer for yourself. Of course that woman may in here eyes see her worst flaws as not that bad, but to you it could be really big. We all have different perspectives on things.
I would ask myself the question "can I stay with this person knowing their worst flaws?"
But if I am not comprehending your question correctly please correct me and explain further.
I probably asked it wrong, lol… im basically saying if you can see yourself not wanting to force someone to change or if youre the type of woman to try to force change upon a man, then its quiet for you.
ok….I see now.
Unfortunately Streetz many women will get with a man whom they will want to change in some form or fashion. This is what I see and hear. I think the key is knowing how to motivate positive change in a person in a loving and caring way so they know your doing it out of love and in a way that makes him want to be a better man. Never forcing, but suggesting, motivating, and supporting lovingly.
This might be a little strange for a dealbreaker, but sometimes (depends on the man) I try to stay away from guys who happen to be the only child. OCS (only child syndrome) is real! And it's even worse if it was just him and his mom growing. It's as if they live in their on bubble. He's used to his mom doing everything for him and that doesn't go well in a relationship.
Great post Wis….Props….*smile*
Definitely something folks need to think about.
Mine would be the typical interview question…what are your strengths and weaknesses?
I also like to hear as much as the person will share about previous relationships. When they start going on about what their ex did wrong once they finish "rambling" I ask do you feel you did anything wrong? Do you feel you did anything to contribute to your divorce or break-up? This scored the guy I'm seeing now mad cool points because he admitted to being a big part of the cause of his divorce. He admitted that he was young, selfish, and immature when he got married and got married for the wrong reasons. He seemed to fully understand what he did wrong. Even though he didn't cheat, he realized he wasn't the best husband and father and didn't do his part.
I generally ask questions based on men's life situations. If they have kids I like to know how often they see their kids and what that relationship is like.
My deal-breakers are if the man is irresponsible and immature. Reason being when your involved with and/or married to a person who acts and thinks like a child and still has childish ways they typically make terrible decisions that can negatively and greatly affect your life as well as theirs.
Wis I think another important question to piggyback off of "Can you admit when your wrong" is do you learn from your mistakes? Reality is we all make mistakes all the time, thats life. Whats important is to learn from them and not repeatedly make the same mistakes.
Great point!
One recurring theme I’m dealing with is men who SAY they don’t want a woman who sleeps around but then berate you for not having sex with them. I like who live what they say they believe.
Anjanette some men are hypocritical in that way…..que sera sera.
My dealbreakers:
Do you like to watch movies? I'm a movie crackhead and love watching movies if you can't stand to sit still through one or think all my movies are dumb then it's not going to work.
Are you introverted or extroverted? Introverts don't stand a chance with me.
Are you moody? Overly emotionally moody women irritate me to all end … "Ohhh my day is gonna suck cuz its gloomy or raining" types.
Are you an optimist? Pessimist? If she answer pessimist then more than i know it won't work, but pessimists RARELY admit their pessimists, so they just say realists instead. Therefore if she says pessimist or realist, I my positive energy doesn't have time.
Cosign the working out question (Healthy lifestyle), but i'd go as far as to ask how much do you care about your appearance.
I agree with this list. It seriously has been an issue when a dude doesn't EVER want to watch movies with me or listen to my type of music. Sure, you have your own interests and sports are great, but you have to be OPEN, and you have to invest a little bit into what I enjoy too, because I know I'm doing it for you.
MOODY! OMG! I totally CANNOT do moody men. I'm really not much of a girly girl most of the time, so I can't handle a dude that's gonna put me in the position of saying, "What's wrong? I can tell something's wrong", ALL THE TIME. Spit it out. I guess this just means you have to communicate instead of being passive-aggressive.
Pessimists/realists are NOT for me. AT ALL. I am generally chipper and cheerful, but sometimes I get down. Depression runs in my family. If you're a downer all the time, those little ruts I get into are going to last longer and you're going to become an enabler. I just can't do that. Like me, you have to try your hardest to look on the sunny side.
Being that I'm not a girly girl (former hardcore tomboy/big girl that quietly crushed on all her guy friends), I'm not always worried about appearance. Sure, I can be stylish. Being in NY necessitates it, and being a performer, I have the makeup and the dresses and ALL THAT. But when I'm not going out, I'm chilling in t-shirts and jeans. If dude is doing the same thing, I'm cool with that. In fact, it's a bit annoying if you're way more into that stuff than I am. Like, are you getting your nails buffed? Are you spending beyond your means to be trendy? Not cute.
Exercise is good too. I work out a lot. That's why I'm a "former" big girl and not a current one. I need a guy that is active and isn't going to undermine my lifestyle by constantly wanting burgers and nachos and that's it. BUT, you don't have to have the "perfect" body. I totally crush on several "portly" fellows. 🙂
I'd probably add:
1.) Are you passionate about something? A complete lack of interest in ANYTHING is just SO not sexy. I don't care if you're passionate about being an accountant. Something has to rev you up or I'm out.
2.)
Are you a man's man?
I am not in to metro men. Take care of yourself, be into fashion (though if this is over done, i.e. you take longer than me to get ready…. you will get a side eye) but draw the line somewhere. Also just man up in general. Let's each play our part. We can redefine a few things to fit our needs – but only a few.
Can you hang?
I have family in the projects and in penthouses. Don't get us killed and don't embarrass me – in either place.
who needs steve harvey with you guys around? lol but my deal breaker is a man who isn't confident with himself and his life's journey. most people in their 20-30's aren't happy with where they are, however there has to be some understanding that there's joy in the journey. I also don't care for complainers
tenishajones.com
One of my questions to have answered is “Have you or would you ever wear a red suit?” If the answer is “yes”, I’ll have to keep it moving.
Jenny thats funny..lol
The only one I have is “is she progressive”. A degree and great job with great credit doesn’t mean she is progressive. It means just what it means. Progressive people think constantly on “the next thing”. So its what is she doing with the great gig, credit and degree?
Lots of college grads stop learning (looking at you MBA’s) once they graduate. I can’t see the much criticsized pro athelete going pro and stopping their education about their respective sport-not that there aren’t non progressive ballers but the irony here is kinda funny.
But then five years removed from grad school some of these people sound like got swindled out of no doubt about it deal. Problem with these types is they can’t/wont see their material possessions isn’t going to reveal a damn thing about character. Things should just occur cause they have xyz.
What they (in my case a woman) need is a plan. And any woman I take serious should be in the thick of that plan-in fact if your are 3 years removed from college you should be working on a plan. And of course sacrifice for it accordingly.
To me the most important question or questions I would ask before committing is, "Do our future plans match up?", "Is one of us or are both of us willing to compromise on our future for the other person without harboring resentment for the rest of our lives?"
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I love this article! One of the questions that is very important to me is "Do you have a vision and a plan to realize it?"
I need to know that if things progress in our relationship, that you are working towards something that will allow us BOTH to successfully fulfill our roles and enjoy life together.
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