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Black Girl Lost: The Fallacy That Unmarried Women Over 30 Are Losing

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You Just Lost One...

I swear I wasn’t looking for trouble…

It was Sunday, and I was recovering from the community service I performed from the prior evening, helping young women mitigate the cost of heir higher education. I checked on Twitter to see what the morning conversation was about. I saw a young lady’s tweet appear across my timeline that took me aback and gave me pause. She said the following:

“I didn’t realize it was that many people over 30 with no kids & not married… Y’all losing and I’m sorry to say it.”



Blank.F*cking.Stare!!

There are so many things wrong with this statement that I had a hard time responding to her directly. The bored and playful Streetz wanted to turn her mentions into Chernobyl. The intellectual [name redacted] wanted to really pick her brain and understand where she was coming from, while giving my own perspective on her comment. I won’t go into the crux of the conversation, you can check out my twitter feed search Streetztalk 30 you should find it. Although she made the statement blanket for both men and women, in subsequent comments, she singled out women. So let me speak from that perspective.

First of all, this isn’t the 1920’s anymore. I would like to think that women aspire for more than just a family and kids in 2011. To say that women 30+ with no kids or spouses are losing, means that marriage and kids are the end all be all for a women’s happiness. This thought process is both antiquated and chauvinistic.  How many women do we know who are career women? Those career opportunities were few and far between a century ago, so naturally women were all expected to be homemakers. In this century, women have more than housewife dreams (in general). They are leading corporate America, graduating from college at a way higher clip than men (and black graduation rates between men and women are even worse), and are happy contrary to popular belief. of course, culturally, they will feel the normal pressure of the holiday dinner interrogations about when they will be married, but God forbid we
stop touting the “many problems” that women have without looking at the big picture.

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Thought processes which state that women are lonely without marriage or kids, is one of the reason why we have so many single moms, deadbeat dads, and failed marriages in this country! I’ve said countless times that too many people marry and have kids because it projects a false sense of happiness and stability. I’m all for marriage, and hope to have Young Streetzies myself one day, but I won’t do either because I’m “lonely” and a “loser”. I’ll do both when the time is right. How many women do we know who stay with a bum ass dude because “she loves him” or “she’s hoping he’ll act right one day”. They will even take a ring from a man whom they know aint sh*t, just because they feel pressure of their age and time slipping away. just because a cheating, lying, or abusive dude pops the question, doesn’t mean that he still won’t have chicks poppin their coochie for him after the wedding too! How many times have we heard “trap stories” about women who purposely get pregnant to keep a man? I think time has taught us that this never works. I don’t care if things are bad dating wise, and you feel lonely, just getting with someone for the sake of, is ridiculous. With all of our technological advances, and people living longer, the pressure of meeting those social requirements aren’t as strong. They are only amplified by those people who are lacking something in their lives and filling that void with marriage and children.

See Also:  The Type of Men Most Likely to Leave You

People measure happiness many different ways. being married and having kids is definitely one of them. I have a problem when you quantify another person’s happiness by their relationship status, based off of your own. The woman who sent that tweet was 27 with a kid and her dude just popped the question (which is why she was probably so hyped). She explained that she had a lot going for her, and wasn’t just desperate for marriage. that’s cool, but I could also argue that it’s mad lonely to tweet things like that, because obviously she felt a certain way prior to her man’s proposal. What if that marriage doesn’t work out? Does that mean that she is a failure or prove a sense of loneliness on her part?

I have my days when I’m down, and I question my successes and failures. That doesn’t make me lonely. That makes me HUMAN! let’s be careful how we measure happiness. When you try to manufacture happiness through marriage and children, you are doing nothing more than putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. Be happy if those aspects of your life are flourishing, but don’t exhibit hubris  by inferring that if others haven’t experiences your happiness by 30, than they lost. Oprah isn’t married or with kids, is she really losing? Please…

See Also:  Men are Abstaining...from Marriage: 6 Reasons Why Men Should Not Get Married [Video]

Discuss at your leisure,

StreetZ

Comment(238)

  1. Thank you for the article, I so needed to read that…I'm in my mid 30's just got out of a 4 year relationship and have no children. For a minute I was seriously doubting myself because I wasn't married and don't have any children. Then I realized I'm a hot commodity! I thank god I didn't birth any children to ANY of my exes, cause I would be tied to them for life. I'm older, wiser, wealthier and I enjoy my freedom.

    1. Co-sign on that Gymchic…I say the same thing. The last thing I want is to have a child by the wrong man. I think some women do a disservice to their kids by not paying attention to the type of father the man they sleep with will be. I’ve seen and heard some of my girlfriends actually apologize to their kids for their fathers being azzholes and say they are sorry and regret choosing to lay down with and make a baby with a dude they knew was an azzhole and now their kids pay the price because they have to deal with a dad who can never really return their level of love because he is an azzhole and/or didn’t really want kids or is an irresponsible child himself.
      I vowed to Never be like them. I would rather be “happily single” and no kids than have a child in a bad situation by the wrong man just to say I’m a mother.

  2. Feels like ive been gone FOREVER… but I’m back! Awesome post streetz! I will be 28 in a couple of months and I am single with no kids. I don’t think I’m “losing” at all! I have my own EVERYTHING,have multiple degrees and most importantly, I’m free to do whatever the hell I want! #winning lol

    1. you really can't put a price tag on that freedom to do whatever you want. at times I want the family and whatnot and I will with time, but man! that getting up and going whenever YOU feel like it is something special! I know there will be a time where I'll miss that kinda freedom so I am grateful for it now….
      My recent post I know that we don’t know each other well…

    1. I get the just especially if marriage is what you are eating and sleeping everyday until it happens, but I think its the source that saying it and the tone. I mean she was a baby mama just like most people hoping her man would wife her up and not be left to single motherhood. I see it like this I want to get married and have kids. I know while approaching 30 I might start wondering what’s going on (especially if I’m not in a relationship) but I won’t feel like I’m losing in my whole life if I’m fulfilling other goals. I rather be 30 not married no kids traveled to multiple places, have a house a solid financial foundation and searching for the right one then married and kids at 28, never been anywhere, working paycheck to paycheck and rushing to marry my man b/c I feel I have to beat someone else imaginary age limit for marriage and kids.

  3. The chick is all the way wrong. If she feels like she'll be "losing" if she's not married and with child by 30 thats fine. But what the next person is doing is none of her damn business. That's why i can't stand folks now. Always talking about what the next person needs to be doing. I bet she wasn't talking that hot ish a minute ago when she was just somebody's baby mama! <–was that mean? lol.
    My recent post Love Letters

  4. Amazing how this post was written just hours after something was said to me about being 31 and childless. Had me feeling some kind of way. Still does because of who it came from but this post helps shed light on their frame of thought and proves that I’m alright. Thanx. 😉

  5. Great post: I dont know why ppl believe this ” if your 30 and not married your a loser”. Im 21 and I think 30 is young. I dont think most people are really ready to handle something as seroius as marriage until their out of their 20’s with some experience on their back from previous relationships.Thinking that having a husband and kids in your life is going to make you happier if you get it before 30 is setting yourself up for failure, you cant base your happiness on them b/c kids will get on your nerves and you husband will too.

    Most white women (that I know) did’nt get married until their late 20’s early 30’s and had kids around their early mid 30’s. Your early to mid 20’s are for you to learn and grow and build the foundation which is you, not to be running beging for a ring and changing baby diapers.

  6. I think ppl forget when they make statements like this the amount of commitment that comes with a husband and children. My auntie whose been happily married 40+ years always tells me to enjoy my youth and “be selfish” as she says it because having children and getting married means putting your needs on hold for someone else. I’m 21 by the way

  7. No you are not losing if you are completely fulfilled by working in corporate america.

    If you desire love.. and a family.. then you aren't losing, but you have some setbacks that may not be recoverable such as:

    * Eggs deteriorate after 35 signficantly.. so you're on a time line to be in a sound relationship, married and financially, physically and emotionally prepared to have children.. and be in sync with your spouse regarding this..

    *This can take years.. so if by 30 you're not even married or a long term relationship it is reasonable to be concerned if you want children.. Again, if employment is more fulfilling than love and children.. this wouldn't apply and the above article would reflect such sentiments..

    *If you go the invitro route then you face expensive sometimes excruciatingly painful and often unsuccessful medical treatments.. and many people do not want to be senior citizens during their child's teen years

    So for some people not married w/ kids by 30 by sheer biology and physiology is not necessarily "losing" as a person.. but "losing" in terms of time and goals that they do not have much control over ..

    1. I always wonder when blogland will have a _real_ conversation about biology and fertility and why _some_ women definitely feel pressure when it comes to these things, instead of acting like the timing doesn't matter. In other words, cosign.
      My recent post Small City Crush Games

        1. Infertility is becoming common in women and men in their 20's and early thirties due to food intollerances such as gluten, wheat, alcohol, and caffeine, although there are others that may be the culprit. Having a food intolerance test is a wise idea for anyone wishing to become pregnant, especially those who are having difficulties. Generally, the diet should consist of fresh, home-prepared meals containing a variety of vegetable and fruits. Organic foods should be used where possible, since they have a higher mineral content, and pesticides may be another unwanted stress on the body. Meat and Dairy should be as close to the source as possible and organic to avoid toxins and hormones used in commercial rearing. Also unhealthy estrogen leves are increasing in men and women from consumption of soy products which are in many processed foods (read the ingredients). Also lotions and body washes contain chemical that mimic estrogen in the body. Basically, unless you're living organic in how you eat and what products you use your hormones are off.

        2. Camille, but we've already shown how the statistics have been place for years before the things that you are talking about. No one has to be right or wrong here, we just need to be informed. Don't tell someone to do their research when they're not wrong. They just offered a different perspective, with data to support it. We're both right, neither has to be wrong.

        3. I didn't mean you personally to do research. I was a general statement along with the website I included for anyone who happend to read my comment 🙂

        4. Yeah Streetz Halle Berry had her 1st at 40 and many women have babies at 40 something.
          For women biology does play a pretty significant part in having children.
          I believe if your health is good then it's fine to have a child at 40 plus if you can.
          Personally I don't want to be in my 50's with a 10 year old. I'm always thinking ahead and mindful of the future. I don't want to have a child at 45 and be 50 with a 5 year old. Regardless of your health your body changes as you get older because like you it ages. It's not the same and you don't always have the same energy and vigor that you do when your 20 and 30 something.
          Plus I don't want to be at the age where I may have to go into a nursing home and have my teenager taking care of me like I'm her grandmother…..lol.
          I know it's a bit anal and weird but I think about stuff like that. If I do have a child I want to still have the energy and vigor to run and play and get on rides and keep up with them. I babysit for a lot of my girlfriends and toddlers are a handful…. they tire me the hell out after 1 or 2 days.
          But again it all depends on the woman. Every woman is different. Some women will be cool with having a child at 45 and still be the same when the child is a teenager as a person who was 40 something with a teenaged child.
          One thing that stuck with me though was something a white lady in the nail salon said to me years ago. She was in her late 50's or 60's I think and her daughter was 14 or 15, so obviously she had her in her 40's. She told me have kids while your young or not at all. I had no idea it would be like this now when I had her at 40 something. Now I have to deal with these teenage issues at an age where I just want to be retired in Florida sipping on a nice cold drink on the beach……lol. She went on to say her father is no help at all….lol.
          What that woman said to me has always stayed in the back of my mind. Which is why I sometimes consider getting my tubes tied at 40….lol

      1. Chunk– The fact of the matter is that there are some women who truly love themselves more than they love the idea of being a wife and mother. They'll continue to put off child bearing despite the knowledge that as women get older there are several health risks that raise in probability. That's their choice though. Do women feel pressure because they 1) Notice that they are losing fertility, 2) Don't want to be 55 years old dealing with a teenager in their house, 3) Fear that the older she gets the less desirable she is to a man looking for a wife? Yes, I agree to all of that. I don't think there's anything wrong with a woman who wants to be married before 30, neither do I see anything wrong with someone who doesn't. The latter I wish would just admit that they are a bit selfish. And selfishness is never the way to develop into a wife and build a family.

        1. I know where you're going with this, and I mostly agree. I do believe there is narcissism in procreation. I don't think it's the most selfish thing, but I definitely think folks procreate for their own benefit- even if it doesn't end up benefiting them as much as they thought it would, lol.
          My recent post Small City Crush Games

        2. thank u with all the babies that have no parents then ppl bringing kids into this already messed up world!!!

        3. Hmm actually I think both sides have selfish motives, and that it's an intrinsic human "flaw."

          I think more women have delayed childbearing beyond 30 because of relationship instability vs. career climbing… that would be an interesting set of statistics to tease out/interesting study to conduct.

          I might be verbally flogged for this, but I honestly think a lot of this "I'm so into my career" talk is really just a defense mechanism for women who, had they had the right chance/opportunity etc. would actually be married and having babies right now, but since they didn't/haven't yet, they (rightfully so) resent the implication that they are somehow less than and are, therefore, requesting that people pay attention to their other accomplishments (like career success) instead of beating them over the head with marriage and babies.

          I'm not saying this is all women… but I'd be comfortable saying "most."
          My recent post Small City Crush Games

        4. Exactly Dr. J. One thing my fam taught me was you can't be selfish, lazy and irresponsible and be a great wife and mother.
          Many folks who have kids are like kids their damn selves…..and lets not forget the fact that many babies (including me) were Not Planned. I think a lot of people become parents by default and from there do the best they can….which can explain some of the screwed up kids that become screwed up adults.

        5. Two things, maybe some people say they are into their careers as a defensive thing, but maybe they just don’t feel a desire to procreate. A simple absense of the biological clock. People expect you to give an acceptable excuse for not feeling it. You get to say career and people will take that, maybe call you selfish. But a lot of women just never got the itch. And they dont have enough peer or family pressure to make them want to do it. If you get decent bc and make condoms a habit, you don’t have accidents. It’s not about selfishness. In my case, I never felt a strong urge and couldnt come up with one good reason to have a child and a whole mountain of reasons not to.

        1. I doubt it, but I have no evidence. Further, thinking about it this minute… the fact that stress negatively impacts fertility… and black women have been shown in health studies to have a higher amount of stress from racism (and other factors more likely)… if I had to guess, I'd say their window of good years might even be shorter.

          However… there is plenty evidence that statistically black women fare worse when it comes to fertility treatments, birth outcomes, and maternal mortality. So, technically, if black women are less likely to be successful at infertility treatments it makes sense that they should be more concerned with their natural fertility status.
          My recent post Small City Crush Games

    2. "So for some people not married w/ kids by 30 by sheer biology and physiology is not necessarily "losing" as a person.. but "losing" in terms of time and goals that they do not have much control over .. "

      Agree completely, and I say this as a 32 year old single, childless person.

      But that's based on MY goals. Streetz is still right about her putting HER idea of happiness off on other folks. It's especially rank because she just got a ring with her brand new @ss herself.

    3. i agree….its not losing by way of social standards or anything but half our eggs are gone by 25 and by 35 you have 1/4 of what you started with. Also, babies born to mothers after 40 have a higher chance of developing mental disorders. this is not to scare anyone but we do have to understand as females that we have a timeline so my thought is….if you want to plan your future and education or career is utmost on your mind yet you still want a family, plan accordingly..ps: don't always listen to the guys, their timeline is different from ours. im not saying that anyone has to quickly plan their life now believe it or not i think 30 is perfect to be settled and start having a family but if you dont get the ring until after 30 just plan accordingly.

  8. I think her wording was off but i can certianly understand her point. I am 30, no kids, no husband, no prospects. While I don’t feel like I’m losing, I am concerned. Despite having two degrees and a decent career with the federal government, I am drawn to all things domestic. I think you can be both career focused and desire a family. It may not be the 1920s but many women still desire to be wives and mothers, despite the many opportunites available to us today career wise. A career is only but so rewarding but I believe raising a family is much more rewarding. I have a friend who is a single parent and she said although she never envisioned be a single parent and highly desires to be a wive, she is glad to at least be a mother. While I’m not quick to sign up for single parenthood, that statement resonated with me for some reason. I don’t want to be 40 and both parenthood and marriage have eluded me.

    As I think about my 5 year plan, which include purchasing a home, I can’t help but hope that some of those plans change with the introduction of a spouse and some little ones.

    1. Brit allow me, if I may…

      "I am 30, no kids, no husband, no prospects. While I don't feel like I'm losing, I am concerned. Despite having two degrees and a decent career with the federal government, I am drawn to all things domestic. I think you can be both career focused and desire a family. It may not be the 1920s but many women still desire to be wives and mothers, despite the many opportunites available to us today career wise. A career is only but so rewarding but I believe raising a family is much more rewarding."

      Edits:

      "I'm am 30, with no kids and single. I would like to meet a man who I could possibly marry, if the timing is right. I consider myself to be drawn to all things domestic and I desire to have a family. It may not be the 1920s but many women still desire to be wives and mothers. A family is much more rewarding than a career."

      If more women structured that statement the way I just said, they would have a line around the corner of men, successful men, trying to get at them. Most women these days throw their career status and accomplishments into a conversation with a man not realizing that he's looking for a wife, not a business partner. The qualities that make a wife and the responsibilities that she has, have very little to do with job or your degrees. I would humbly ask that women stop thinking this material that will attract a man to you. A man will meet a woman with little education who holds him down and makes him feel like a boss before he'll ever deal with a woman with tons of education and career accomplishments who makes him feel like they are somewhat in competition or that she doesn't need him. A man is programmed to provide and care for. A woman has to position herself to be cared for.

      1. Dr. J: "Most women these days throw their career status and accomplishments into a conversation with a man not realizing that he's looking for a wife, not a business partner. The qualities that make a wife and the responsibilities that she has, have very little to do with job or your degrees."

        This.

        1. I am not sure I was clear. I think it's if she makes it a competition. Like the notion of a power couple to me is just weird and off. If he's like, "I studied law at Harvard and currently seeking public office in my District" and she in turn says, "That's great, I went to Princeton for my law degree and looking to start my own firm soon." Now 98% of y'all women just said, "Wait, what's wrong with that?!" But most men are thinking, "I'm trying to tell you i'm about to be President and I would make an excellent provider, you just told me, you're about to be a business owner and would make an excellent provider." I don't need another provider I need a wife dawg.

        2. Wow. Dr. J I never quite heard it put that way. Glad you said it. But it does make sense now that I think about it. I never tote my accomplishments as a I'm trying to be the provider or have to make more then u sort of thing I always hoped it showed him that I can pull my own weight if need be. For me I would love for a man to see my skills as a compliment to what we can accomplish as a team effort.
          But you are right its all in how you say it. Duly noted.

        3. ^^^^ right there!

          I don't think it's about a guy having issues w/ a woman being proud of her career, I think (for me at least) it's about how she presents her accomplishments. Like you put in your example Dr. J, if I'm telling a woman I'm looking at as a serious prospect about my accomplishments and what I'm pursuing professionally and her response to that "yeah well I'm doing x, y, z" it almost feels like a pissing contest…or a game 1-ups…sometimes women can get so wrapped up in what they bring to the table that they overlook what a man is trying to show them he can offer

        4. This is frustrating.

          I think it's true but it's frustrating.

          I mentioned this the other day in another post when I said I've only dated blue collar men because I can not imagine how two high functioning white collar career driven people coexist. (and for other reasons, but that day it was about this.)
          My recent post Thirst

        5. Well, if you have an issue with a high powered career woman, you are in my not so humble opinion, less stable in your manhood than a man who would say “great, two big incomes, two big brains, nothing can stop US”. If you need me to sit down so you can stand up, your legs are weak and I can’t depend on you when times get rough. You wouldn’t be good husband material for me. But that’s just me.

      2. I was responding to this post and not on a date. I never throw out my accomplishments to a man as if that is what makes me desirable as a wife. I live in DC (well Maryland), who doesn't have two degrees and a job with the federal goverment? I don't feel as if those things make me accomplished or above average rather its a means to an end. So when meeting any potential suiter, those are not things that I initially bring up or at all unless asked. The reason I mentioned it in my comment was to point out that being career minded does not make me less marriage minded.

        I appreciate your advice and completely understand where your coming from as I know many women who believe that their degrees make them God's gift. I've never subscribed to this nor will I ever.

        1. lol Well I'm from Louisiana so I dont claim either but you know we do say we live in DC knowing darn well we are in Montgomery county lol

        2. Brit I'm not from MD or DC, I do live in MD and I don't have 2 degrees and a government job but I do pretty damn good for myself. I only have 1 degree and feel blessed in this economy to have a job I enjoy and work with people I really like.
          Again I'll say everyone has their own personal reasons for having kids and/or not having kids and being married and being in whatever place they are in their lives right now.
          To me the most important thing is that you have kids or don't have them for the Right Reasons, not based on societal peer pressure or pressure from family or because of a "fantasy & "idealistic" lifestyle that you envision comes with marriage and children that is not the reality.
          It's also important that men and women have children with the Right People. I believe if folks got married and had kids for the Right Reasons and got with the Right People for the Right Reasons then there would be a lot less single parents and divorces and unhappy marriages and dysfunctional families.
          Right Reasons being reasons that aren't materialistic and that are based on Reality and Not a Fantasy. And knowing your ready to be the best spouse and parent and that you have great things to pass on to your child and a lasting legacy to leave to them when your gone.
          Thats jmo.

      3. Co-Sign 1000%!!

        I am a single woman in her mid thirties without any children and everytime I hear women say they've got this degree or that one and they don't need anyone else it kinda makes me cringe. I never saw what that had to do with getting me a mate. While I am well accomplished in my career, and I get the sentiment that, we've accomplished something great, I don't know too many men who use that as a determining factor as to whether they want to "wife you up"

        Extremely great post, that needed to be discussed!

      4. Dr. J your edit was very well said. You need to write a book based on that so you can outsell Steve Harvey and Mike Baisden….*smile* Daps and Mad Props for that simple statement that spoke volumes.

      5. Ionknow. I think it's dangerously close to dimming your light to get a man. I know it's supposed to be polishing your resume to get the job you want instead of the job you have… and I can dig it… but… ionknow….
        My recent post Thirst

  9. Good Post. I am definitely one for building a foundation and finances first before bringing another life into the world. I think there is alot of pressure for women to have kids by the age of 30, but that is a really big responsibility that one must be ready to take on. Plus, you can technically have kids up until the age of 44 ( i know because i use to work at a reproductive science center). I wouldn't advocate women to wait this long because as stated above, after the age of 35, women have a more harder time in trying to conceive a child. I always believed that you should do you and one should bring a child into a good environment and not have a child for the sake of having a kid. I have too many homeboys who had kids with women that have given them grieve and I wouldn't want that on anyone.

  10. I'm under 30 with a few degrees, no children & no husband. Which is fine with me becuase I have a job & I'm only responsible for myself so I can get up and go as I please. I wouldnt call that losing at all, even when I reach the age of 30. Some people (such as myself) dont want children. If its in God's plan for me to be someones wife, I will be. There is no timeline. Whats right for one isnt necessarily right for all. I refuse to be a babymama so if being engaged and a BM is winning….please feel free to count me out of the game altogether! Insecure people judge others. That is all.

      1. Hey Most!

        I’ve been lurking as of late because this new website doesn’t send the comments to my email so I see all the comments hours later… hence, why I’m replying so late. 🙁

        1. Thanks for pointing that out, cuz I never noticed. I just assumed it was a glitch or something that was never fixed when things were switched up.

  11. Y’all are losing because y’all cannot compete with the 21-25 year olds who are younger and more attractive.Alot women decided to play the “game” and now want to settle down now in the 30s but the pool of available men for them are not available.Guys like me in their 30s want younger,pleasant ,and women with less baggage and more tread on the tires.So y’all can keep fooling y’all selves that it’s not over but Darwin says otherwise.

    1. "Guys like me in their 30s want younger,pleasant ,and women with less baggage and more tread on the tires."

      I'm in my mid 30s, and the thought of me dating a 21-25 year old makes my head hurt.

      You do realize that 25-year old only has one year before she turns 26, so do you dump her for a younger model? I suppose it's not an issue if you're not planning on having a relationship last more than five years, but I figure a man eventually wants to settle down.

      1. We're not that bad, hater. Hmph!

        But on a serious note, I feel the same way about guys 24 and under in general…which is somewhat amusing.

  12. My initial reaction is simply ol girl is geeked yet needs to look down on others to make herself feel taller; like someone who gets a new car and coasts by bus stops all day. However, i'm inclined to agree with her. Speaking for myself if im 30 got my career going and i'm coming home to an empty crib with a bunch of pictures of neices n nephews on the wall part of me would feel like i missed an exit. However, myself i want a wife and kids someday so 8 years from now if i'm not even close to either i am in fact losing.

    If you're someone who doesn't aspire for either obviously you cannot lose a game you decline to play. In that case if you're 30 still working on that bachelor's/career you put off a man for, then yes you are losing. For your example i'll assume Oprah doesnt want a husband or kids so you can say Oprah's winning. However you see OPRAH'S brand is her first name, her last name has no legacy. When its all said and done her relatives remain Win-free (high fives myself for what i did there).

    1. Hmm…I mean I hear what you're saying for your personal preferences, but this:

      "In that case if you're 30 still working on that bachelor's/career you put off a man for, then yes you are losing."

      I feel like statements like this and others like them imply that it will be next to impossible to ever find a mate and get married the day you turn 30. It's like one will always be losing…until they win…?? I dont know, but just because someone hasn't reached a particular goal yet doesn't mean they are necessarily losing. But hey, we can define the situation and losing/winning and those terms all day and night as it's all subjective.

      1. "I feel like statements like this and others like them imply that it will be next to impossible to ever find a mate and get married the day you turn 30"

        Thats what I was thinking… I turned 30 this year and I woud hate to think that means I have to give up on love. Should I start collecting cats? lol!

        1. Daaaaaaaaaaamn Kema! How YOU doing!? Go head with them thighs girl! I'm prolly late on the avi change, but GAHDAHM!

          Also,Tristan you are a plumb fool for high fiving yourself! lol

        2. Humph – Rita I saw her little avi change too. I almost told her to saddown, some of us are still trying to shake off baby weight. LOL – Kema you know you look good girl!

        3. I noticed it yesterday but forgot to say something. I’m like dang kema out there hurtin em! Lookin good girl gone head with your bad self!

    2. Tristian the thing is getting married and having kids is Not something you can really control. So it's not about winning or losing it just is……
      Just like some folks meet in high-school and college and marry……I'm sure they don't know they will meet their spouse in high-school or college. And like folks who don't meet their "soul-mate" til they are in their 40's…I'm sure they don't know that they won't meet someone until they are 40 something.
      You have married couples who can't conceive and don't have any kids for 10 years…..most folks (especially women) think once they are married they can have babies quickly and easily….not always the case. Some women it takes 10 years and fertility treatments just to have a baby. Some women experience many miscarriages before they have a child.
      My cousin and her husband married and couldn't conceive a child for 3 years after they were married even though both were under 25 years old.
      I honestly don't know why folks make so much out of love, relationships and marriages as if it's something you have control over when you really don't. If we did then probably most everybody on Gods green earth would be married with kids.
      So Tristian I hope you realize that there is no guarantee that you will be married with kids 8 years from now.
      If you do get married it may not necessarily be to the right woman….I hope you are sensible enough to be patient and wait for the Miss Right as opposed to marrying Miss Right Now just because it's the 8th year and she's there…….cause when folks do that they end up divorced and right back where they started……Single.

  13. This child is funny. Hell, someone could say she's losing by having a baby out of wedlock. Someone could say she's losing by having a baby without the 1400-1600 rights and benefits that come with marriage.

    I don't agree that a single woman over 30 is losing. But, I like the underlying thought behind this mindset. Someone has to keep the population going. If you look at developing countries, when women start to become educated, they have less children. It's probably because they discover they have a choice. In America, we have the choice not to have kids. If all of us decided we don't want the inconvenience and financial strain of having kids, our population would decrease significantly. If you don't believe me, check the stats. Even in American studies show, the more educated a woman is, the less children she has.

    Side Note: I know it's not popular to talk about kids being an inconvenience. But I've had several good parents say that in so many words. "I wish I could ____ but you know I have to ____ for the kid." This doesn't mean they don't love the kids though. It just means their lives have changed in ways that make personal 'fun' more difficult to achieve. Having kids without thoroughly considering all aspects of raising them is terribly misguided and it's why we have parents who are neglecting kids they resent.

    1. That's why you should get married and wait a few years before having kids. Travel and do things with your husband first and then bring in the rugrats! lol That is something the girl who sent this tweet out will probably not be able to do.

  14. Hmm….blanket judgements and binary distinctions….yup, these comments and the original statement that sparked this post are the formula that creates such things. No surprise here.

    I can do this, too: You're losing if you're under 25 with 5+ kids by 5 different ppl and not married. You're losing if you're under 30 and have already been divorced and are on government assisted programs. You're losing if you're in your 20's, married but feel trapped b/c you now realize you didn't love the person, but loved the idea of marriage.

    I obviously list these examples partly in jest to display there's more of a dynamic at play than just marriage and kids in determining happiness. That's what we all are pretty much equating winning/losing by, right? If you say someone is losing, to me, that means that they are miserable and unhappy at life and wake up every morning contemplating sliting their wrist with a spoon.

  15. For the record, "I was recovering from the community service I performed from the prior evening, assisting young women mitigate the cost of higher education" – I see what you did there, Streetz.

    Moving on.

    I co-sign everything Streetz said, so I don't have much to add. "The woman who sent that tweet was 27 with a kid and her dude just popped the question" I think that sums it up right there. I'm assuming she didn't have an issue with the fact that she had a child out of wedlock and "lucked" into a commitment? That's cool…

    1. Wait. I thought of something. "I would like to think that women aspire for more than just a family and kids in 2011." Ok. I agree that women aspire for "more than just a family and kids in 2011" but I still believe that most women – and men – aspire for a family and kids eventually. So, I guess the crux of the issue becomes not the Tweet itself but the fact that she assigned such a definitive, and relatively young, age to it. Being happy, married, and having kids does not have an expiration date of 30 years of age on Earth.

      That's a stupid simple thought process to have.

  16. Meh, I silenced that whole thread on my TL that day, lol.

    Some ignorance just doesn't deserve the amount of attention it gets.

    I like what Larry said, so I'll just cosign that.

    But I also think (as I cosigned a couple folks above) we do ourselves a disservice by not having a real conversation about what we're supposed to do about the real life problem of short lived fertility in women in the midst of all these relationship/marriage discussions.
    My recent post Small City Crush Games

    1. Wouldn’t that require asking men why they aren’t choosing to marry under 25? Save for Chrissy, most women aren’t asking men to marry them. I have very little sympathy for men who wait until they are 40. They do it thinking they are going to be 40 and marry a 25 year old. They forget that they probably won’t have much in common and will have to spend more time managing her than expected. So they go for women more in their age-range (30+) but get mad because the women in their dating pool aren’t as fertile as they were when they were younger. Had these men done an accurate cost-benefit analysis when they were younger, they may have made different choices. Instead, they road the ‘blame the woman for lack of marriage and nuclear family’ wave. Eh but what do I know. I’m over 30 and not married so…

      1. "They do it thinking they are going to be 40 and marry a 25 year old"

        But that's how it usually goes down though. OR if they do procreate the woman is much younger than himself, but I totally get where you are coming from.

        1. I've seen friends be the young wife. To say it didn't work out is an understatement. While I think men would be smart to choose the most nubile mate they can, if they choose a youngin' they'd better prepare for everything that comes with it. Not that it's all bad. But, if those men want to keep those women in check, they never should encourage or allow those women to get any education, money, or enough confidence to feel they can live without those men. This is why so many divorces and break-ups happen with these reality show people. These 'wives' find out that they don't have to be a nurse maid or doormat. When they get two nickles and a backbone, they roll out. Greg and NeNe would still be together if she never did the show. He took her off the pole–as a youngin–compared to him.

      2. Ms Smart, yep I think men have to be part of the conversation.

        But I think because we, as a society, have not been speaking about the decline of fertility in MEN as they age (mostly because there's very little evidence until more recently) and because their decline does not seem to be as rapid or drastic as ours, we've exempted them from the conversation- which is crazy.
        My recent post Small City Crush Games

        1. Also, I have SEVERAL friends who have had to use other methods to get pregnant. SEVERAL. None of them were over 30 when they had to do it. Take that as you'd like. Not being able to easily get pregnant can be caused my many things. Those young chicks having abortion as a form a birth control? Nobody tells them about scared tissue. So when they are 27 trying to get pregnant, I sure hope they can afford IVF.

          Chunk you also touch on a very good point about men. All the drinking and partying they're doing in their 20's can affect the viability of sperm. This is why, when there doesn't appear to be an obvious problem with the woman, men are tested. Sometimes their sperm is weak. Sometimes there are nerve bundles that are stopping their viable sperm from being great.

          Alas, it's always funner to blame women though…

        2. True about infertility affecting all ages. But the numbers are still there, and as many women that we might anecdotally* know (I was one of them) who had problems before 35, it doesn't negate the facts.
          My recent post Small City Crush Games

      3. I was wondering when someone was going to bring this up…
        As a 24 year old woman I rarely meet guys in my age range that are even trying to be in serious relationships let alone married so who exactly are we suppose to be marrying and having these kids with?

  17. I agree with this post wholeheartedly!

    I mean marriage is great, but it’s just not the KEY to happiness nor is having kids. You know how selfless you have to be? Pshhh, if some never have kids I understand why, I’m on that fence myself. But look at her she had the baby first then he proposed, hmm… I wouldn’t be parading the fact that you had to have a baby for him to give you a ring. Sounds pressuring, and is that what she needed to feel secure that she wasn’t going to be a single mother, which can still happen by the way, but hey to each their own. I would personally like to know you want me without the extra additive of a kid first… career, marriage then kids, but maybe that’s just me. I guess any way you get him to the altar is fine, but “These chicks need to understand that a man has sex with your p***y, he may even let your p***y be his baby’s mom, but he’ll never wife p***y.”

    Like WIM said in a previous post, The Arrogance of Men: Why We Walk Away From Love “I have essentially taken a chance on passing up current Love in pursuit of current goals in the belief that there will be an opportunity for future Love, when I choose, not when it is dictated to me because it coincides with someone else’s life plan other than my own”. And whether that’s pre-30 or post-30, happiness has no ending age requirement, so you can’t impose your thoughts or judge others based on your own insecurities of happy.

    Great post, Streetz!

  18. Didn't see the TL.. haven't been on twitter in a minute but just from reading this post she definitely was feeling herself at that moment but here's the thing though…… They Didn't say "I Do" yet!! so she ain't winning either, so she really needs to have 3 1/2 seats because she just may be a "Foreva Fiancee" a wifey with an engagement (HUSH) ring. *JustSayin* Shrug

    Personally, if I had never gotten married or had the opportunity to be blessed with a beautiful girl… I probably would have some kind of concern at my age right about now (mid 30's) if I was a SBCF (single black childless female) because I always knew I wanted to have that fairy tale family someday, ya know — 1 husband, 2 kids and a house with the white picket fence and 2 dogs…

    Good Post Streetz

    1. "They Didn't say "I Do" yet!! …because she just may be a "Foreva Fiancee" a wifey with an engagement (HUSH) ring."

      Word to Gloria Govan!

    2. Your second paragraph is kind of why I don't feel quite as pressed… I've been married. So… if it doesn't happen again, it doesn't.

      Babies? I have to check in with myself every 3 months or so to see where I stand, lol.
      My recent post Journal Peek: The Moment

        1. Oh no, I do… 361 days out of the year, lol.

          I want them. But we don't always get what we want… and there's a difference between wanting them and doing whatever it takes to have them. (And I say that in terms of being married for several years without having them- there's wanting them and there's I'm willing to go through hell and high water to have them- big difference!)

          But when I say "check in" I basically mean "Do I want babies enough to have them on my own? Have I changed my stance on adoption? Are my chosen back up donors still on board?" etc.
          My recent post Small City Crush Games

      1. "I've been married. So… if it doesn't happen again, it doesn't. "

        Ms. Chunk you and I are <<<<<<<< >>>>>>>>> Here!!! I think I'm good on the having more kids though — although some days I feel like I may want to try for a lil man someday and then there are days I am glad I just got my ONE.

        But what I have realized as of late that during conversations with men I am often hit with the question of "Do I see myself wanting to be married again or at least in a serious LTR within next 5 years and how do I feel about having more kids?" Sometimes it doesnt' end well… *Shrug*
        #Welp

        #FirstWivesClubProblems

        1. I'm right there with yall! I've been married so I'm not really pressed. My thing is…. I'm open to another marriage but not more kids. My kids are pre-teens already. I dont want to start over!

  19. First let me start off by saying Streetz you are by far my favorite writer on this site. This post was honest as well as accurate. As a male with no kids and has yet to be married, often I'm viewed as the minority. it wasn't because I couldn't but because I chose not to. If this is classified as losing then I will take this loss gladly. I'm sure the same applies for many women out there. If marriage is going to be a lifetime committment, why should it be rushed. I've known too many women/men married mid 20's divorced before 30. A martial status should never determine one's character. Great Post!!
    My recent post The Games We Play…

  20. My aunt recently asked me if id date a woman in her 40's. I believe my specific words were "auntie by the time 40 hit don't the river below dry up and get dusty? " …lol after she cursed me out (shes pushing late 40's) it made me wonder why at 32 I lean towards younger (26-28) women when dating….and I still wonder..its like all of a sudden these young viral chicks became an option…when I was 26 i was dying to find me an "older" chick…and now not so much

    1. I know some 40 year old's who have no problem producing Dihydrogren monoxide.

      And also, Astroglide is the ish. I got a lifetime supply from Clearinghouse.

        1. I don't know about Krystl. I think that's a wash. That's like Now & Laters and Mambas… you can't really drive a stake in either being that much better than the other.

          Admin note: Now & Laters and Mambas are chewy candies.

        2. Now & Laters taste better, but Mambas can be a lunch to a kid from the other side of town. Plus they easier to hide in school cause they don't change your mouth colors.

    2. Hm… that's a good question… I guess the first question to ask yourself is do you want this woman to give birth to your children? Cause if the answer is "yes" you've pretty much answered the rest… especially if she's mid forties or later. Not impossible, but much less likely.
      My recent post Journal Peek: The Moment

      1. Chunk whats crazy is that the first thing that i ask myself but with a diff twist …its disgusting..lol i size her up and ask me "ok after she carries my babies am i still gonna wanna smash?" like after the baby weight will she still be poppin??? #sadbuttrue

        1. Rule #1: Never lie to yourself! lol, so hey, it is what it is! But the fact that you expect her to carry babies at all means that you should probably think very carefully about dating a woman in her 40s already… meaning, you must be prepared that it simply might not happen.
          My recent post Small City Crush Games

        2. Id be pissed if i couldn't have more…i have a 9yr old daughter now and i loves it…def gotta have me another girl and a lil boy

        3. Well then, to increase your chances, you're dating the right age, lol. But still, nothing is guaranteed, you could meet and fall for a 28 yo with no uterus…..

          (Except knowing you, you havin that "did I hit her cervix?" kind of chex anyway, so you'll know… lmfao!)
          My recent post Small City Crush Games

    3. Wow. What is IT about the number 32? So many men I know that are your age are now suddenly checking for the yougin's. It's got me thinking (there will be blog post for sure).

      Kudos to your Auntie for cussing you out! I think the idea that the "river below (dries) up and gets dusty" is because a generation or two ago, that was the case. Women got married, had kids and by the time they hit 40, sex wasn't for fun or reproduction, just birthdays and anniversaries. Physically, women did not take care of themselves the way they do now.

      So yes, the viability of eggs decreases past a certain age, but if a woman has been taking care of herself since her 20s – physically and reproductively (drugs, alcohol, STIs all play a factor in fertility) – she should not see babies past 30 as an impossible dream.

      From the sound of things, this girl got what she wanted…and thinks that she's hit the end goal in her life. Let's hope her fiance feels the same, otherwise her ass will be getting a divorce in 72 days.

      1. That's what weird about the whole idea..my first reaction pissed me off a little..lol Ive seen beautiful women both pre and post 30…I think in my head ive always looked at women who were bet 26-29 and the perfect marriage material…eggs are in order and ready for SD to get the fertilizing…i think the thought of meeting a women post 30 ignites that time clock..its relevant..I can try and ignore it but yes it will take us 2 yrs to get to know one another – another yr for marriage – and then the babies round yr 3 or 4…doesnt always work out that way but my math leans in that direction…..and by the time homegirl is 36………

        at 26-27 we got's plenty time! for me and my bs is what it really breaks down to..lol

      2. I have to jump in here…. the "idea" that the river dries up is actually based on real biologic changes in the body…. as women reach menopause, estrogen decreases which leads to vaginal dryness… so while the age in question might be a little off (the average age for menopause is actually around 50ish) there is some truth to what SD asked.
        My recent post Small City Crush Games

        1. Thats scary……i roll ova and my wifees vagina dont work no mo!?!?!?

          i guess its all in the same…my stuff will be broken down at some point as well

        2. Im saying tho you gotta always remember genitalia will shut down eventually…so you gotta really consider who you marry…lol

  21. First things first, how is she going to start clowning single women just because she got chose? She has no guarantees the marriage will last, in fact she has no guarantees she'll even make it to the ceremony. She's talking like she hit a three at the final buzzer by being proposed to at 27, when a woman at 30 is really at halftime.

    The more important issue is that some career women feel like they've been played by the system. They were told to get the degree/s and career, but when the husband and children didn't come as easily and they're approaching 40, they panic and realize they value family more than career and money. Those women may begin to question the path they took, but career and family aren't necessarily mutually exclusive. A woman who wants a family should be having flings at 30, but there is no need to push the panic button yet. And they certainly aren't losing.

      1. Yes.

        "A woman who wants a family should not be having flings at 30, but there is no need to push the panic button yet."

        My kingdom for an edit button.

  22. While I believe that marriage and maybe kids are goalworthy things in life, I don't think there is a time limit that you have to achieve them, except for the whole fertility thing for the kids. When I was a photographer an old azz couple (had to be in their seventies) came in for pics and they were so friggin happy, they told us they'd just gotten married and we could see that they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. It was kind of gross but it was very sweet. These two had already accomplished all they wanted in life and now they had all of their time for each other since they were retired. On the other hand, I feel like getting married somewhat young, you have a built in support system or you can act as a team for while you're trying to accomplish your life goals, that is, if you find somebody supportive. So I clearly see the benefit of waiting til later and I see the benefit of going ahead with it. The last thing I want somebody to do is to get married before they're ready though. For some people, that comes after thirty and so what?

    1. my parents are in their late 50's and they're always all over each other..very disgusting..lol BUT its reassuring too…like damn I wanna be like that

    2. We shouldn't view older couples affection towards one another as gross. This teaches us that love has to go beyond the physical. We live in a society where people tell us we lose our appeal as we age. We see beautiful, older people put out to pasture because they are no longer young and as pleasant to look at….this will be all of us one day. But we'll still want to be loved and admired. I think anyone is a blessed individual to find someone who wants to "grope you" as we lose our physical beauty.

  23. Sigh. I saw that hot mess of a comment and it took everything in me to not go in on that foolishness, but I just decided to make one comment and one comment only on the matter. The girl was forgetting that our parents were getting married YOUNGER by the average and my mama STILL ain't have me til she was 32. Sure, she already had a daughter but a lot of us have parents who were over 30 when they had us. 30 was wayyy to young of an age to start worrying about not having kids yet. Totally unrealistic.

    And the marriage thing, well, I'd definitely rather wait 'til I'm really ready than rush to get married while I'm younger JUST to say I am… and then end up divorced. Not having to deal with divorce at all wins. lol

  24. You know Streetz I am so happy about this piece. It is such an encouragement because I was beginning to feel a bit weird lately about being 31, single and without children. The truth is, I love living alone and without children (I have cats LOL) and my man and I spent time together every weekend between DC and NY. I enjoy my time and keep my responsibilities down to a BARE minimum in order to make time to do those things that I enjoy like my art, reading and writing, traveling and spending time with friends and family. (1 of 2)

  25. I didn’t realize that the PRACTICE of contentment was so foreign to most people. As you soon as you mention that you are happy with what you have, they’re more than willing to suggest ten other ways that you could be happier! Happier than happy???? Would someone please explain what that means exactly? I’m not anti-marriage and children…it’s just not my thing..my priorities have always been elsewhere. But God have I taken a beating with the constant questioning of when will I get married and have children!!! I think that people should realize that lives are to be crafted, are to be tailored to the individual’s needs and desires and not to the expectations of those around us. Life is to be lived passionately and with creativity…it’s not about repeating patterns of conventionality for its own sake. If you enjoy being single embrace it! If you enjoy marriage than embrace that! But don’t knock the next (wo)man’s choice. (2 of 2)

  26. My mother had me and my brother in her mid-to-late 30s so not having kids by 30 is not the end of the world. Times have totally changed. 50 in 2011 is not the same as 50 in 1960. Like Streetz said with women actually having the choice and more opportunities having a house and 2 kids at 30 is not as frequent as it use to be.

    People don't realize that scientifically you don't become an adult until 24,25, or 26. Your brain is still developing to that age. Frankly people got married and had kids back in the day that weren't fit to be married and have families. Mad people were unhappy.

  27. It’s dumb, drooling retarded to measure success on something you don’t have control over or your personal value based on the existence of other people in your life. I win when I complete goals where I am the deciding factor. Everything else aint up to me. Husband and children? That’s a crap shoot. So many factors outside my control affect whether that happens. Why would I call myself a failure for not having it? Stoopid

    1. I agree with this.

      However, barring infertility (and I don't say that lightly)…. having children is also a personal choice that you actually do have control over. The day that I decide unequivocally that I want to be a mother, I will become one, whether or not I have a man. *shrug* I may not have complete control over whether I meet a man who wants to commit to me, but babies? Oh there are ways, no husband required.
      My recent post Small City Crush Games

  28. First – I appreciate this post for so many reasons. So many women feel like we're under this pressure to get married and have children and do all of these things by X date of 20__. And that's not how life really works. So when we cannot make it happen it sends women into this spiral. Or if we rush to make it happen and it blows up in our face, then what happens?

    I'm over 30, no children, never married. Could something be wrong with me? Possibly. Have I had the opportunity to do these things – yes. Things just weren't lined up at the time. I wasn't even remotely ready in my 20s when I look back at it anyway. All of us are on a different time line and life plan. All this business about I have to have these things done by a certain time frame is tomfoolery.

    I have already had the conversation with myself that if I could not have a child biologically, I am fine with adopting one. There are so many ways to reach these goals of being a wife and a mother. They may not happen in the way we were planning. I really had to get comfortable and with myself and realize I am where I am right now and it's fine. I also have to say, being on the other side of 30 it may initially cause some panic, but that's a good time to slow down and really figure out what's important. No need to rush into anything.

    And like you said, Oprah isn't married and isn't a mother but has that made her life any less valuable or important? I can think of so many ways to serve while I'm without children and without a husband. Even when I am partnered up, there are other ways to contribute to the world and have/raise children.

    I think we have to stop trying to compare ourselves with ourselves and realize each of us has our own unique path as (wo)men. I not on anyone's timeline and the only person I really have to compete with (so to speak) is myself.

    My recent post Leaving things under the rocks….Some things are better left alone

  29. SMH…never do the victory dance before you've actually won…

    I think whether or not a person is losing depends on that persons goals/persuits and mindset. If a person was looking for marriage by a certain time and it didn't happen, they'll feel some kind of way…which is understandable. If they weren't, then they're good…and have probably accepted that having a family later in life will be more risky and are cool enough with it.

    I'm 30 now…married at 19, divorced at 28…and I ain't gonna lie, turning 30 was tough. To have and lose (even if you walked away) is tough. Appreciating the life I have while remembering the "picture" that I once had (hub, kids, house, cars…and someone to share bills with…JESUS) was tough. But, please believe I got over it, lol. And, considering my experience, I understand more than most how important it is to consider everything…double check everything…and take your time with relationships before making super permanent decisions.

    1. So, I'm not in a scurry to do anything. And, there are def days I wish I was kidless. I started out with the fam thing so young that I never really just did ME, you know? Thank God I get a full week to myself every other week…which has given me time to discover myself.

      AND…both serious relationships I had post marriage was with younger men with no kids of their own…and one never seriously dated a woman with kids till he couldn't resist my fabulousness, LOL. And, men my age and older have inquired about submitting applications. So umm, from where I'm sitting, I am not living out a death sentence. A bright future with the right husband is still ahead of me…no deadlines or added pressure necessary. 🙂

      1. " there are def days I wish I was kidless. I started out with the fam thing so young that I never really just did ME, you know? Thank God I get a full week to myself every other week…which has given me time to discover myself"

        Girl… I get the Summer to do me. We have similar stories. I was married at 19. I feel like I went from having a curfew to having a husband. I envy women that take time for themselves before jumping into marriage and having kids. I want to get married again but I often think about what it would be like to just have myself to worry about.

        1. It definitely depends on what you were doing before you got married. I got married at 20 but um I was way grown by then. If anything, I had probably been doing too much "me" for too long. lol. Marriage suits me perfectly. Singlehood? Y'all can have this.
          My recent post Thirst

        2. I was married at 19 as well, went from my daddy's house to his house, didn't know what it was like to LIVE ON MY OWN but the difference with me was I still got to do things that most young umarried women get to do like attend and finish school, go out and party (although it was mostly with him) at times with the girls and even travel all before we had our daughter and even after we had her; so I don't feel as if I missed out on anything in that aspect BUT what I do feel like I may have missed the train on is I am now on that road to Self Discovery at the age of 34 to finding out who I am as an individual person and I have to admit although it may seem as if I am bouncing off the walls at times, (read: Flaky) it's something I think is needed as part of my individual growth and I am loving it but when I am ready to focus, I just pray that I'll still be able to pull the similar if not the same type of men I have been fortunate to meet thus far.

        3. Ohhh your story is my ex husband's story, lol. I think it only worked because I wasn't the jealous type, each of our families loved the spouse, and we stayed young without babies for quite a long time.

          But me? I was on my second place of my own, had traveled several countries, etc so I didn't feel like I was nan thang… and you know what? Out here now? I _know_ I wasn't missin nothin.
          My recent post Small City Crush Games

        4. We waited 4 yrs before we had kids…still not the same thing as only having to worry about yourself and not having to answer to anyone, lol…pretty much your whole self-discovery point, lol.

        5. I told my former & younger sis-in-law to stay home after college for a few years, get her money straight, travel…do you, then get married. She took my advice. I'm glad we were close at that time so I was able to impart that in her when she needed it (senior yr of high school).

          We need to talk to these girls, Kema…some actually do listen.

  30. And what's all of this sh*t about "winning" and "losing"???? You know what's winning? HAPPINESS! TRUE FULFILLMENT! Lots of married miserably women out there…so don't always assume that it's the single ones. Stop approaching your life and love with a blueprint in hand…instead try a blank canvas.

    1. Totally agree….There are alot of unhappy men also. Went to homecoming a few months ago and one of my boys who had been married for like 15 years and now divorced was acting like a fat kid in the candy store singing, "i am single and i can do whatever i want." The funniest display of happiness I have seen in a long time…lol

  31. I am tired… So if I am out of pocket, I'll ask Jesus uh, Tebow for forgiveness

    – If a woman is over 30 & NEVER married… I think she is losing, because somebody has to finance those next 40+ years (most women don't save)… I would still beat tho….

    – Winning & losing is so a state a mind, I cannot co-sign what that woman said… I know it is asking humans too much to feel better about their situation without downing somebody else's situation… Enjoy your ring & enjoy your seed… Because between maintaining a marriage & a family is a handful right there…

    If you know some 30+ year old spinsters with some bread… Please send them my way… Taking applications

    SSTTE

  32. Yes. And it's worth pointing out that that's where this magical age of 35 initially came from; 35 was the age where the probability of detecting an actual genetic problem statistically outweighed the risk of doing genetic testing for chromosomal abnormalities in the first place. So the concern has always been about more than just _ability_ to bear children- it's also having the best shot at having _healthy_ children AND positive health outcomes for the woman having the baby. (Maternal mortality- meaning, a woman dying in or shortly after childbirth- increases dramatically with age.)

    Dr. J? Look at you talking about prenatal care?!? Music to a midwife's ears.
    My recent post Small City Crush Games

  33. I miss the full tweet conversation that continued afterward…but her words sounded like something a delusional #1/main chick would say…I say #1 b/c women in that position are there b/c they either have A) a baby w/ the dude, as in her situation or B) a significant, albeit, tumultuous history…but in a situation of "baby 1st", you have to really wonder if he had no ties would he really be marrying her?

    At 32 (w/ no kids), I never wanna be in a position of "I might as well marry her" b/c I have a child w/ a woman…after money/finances, I'm willing to guess that's why so many young marriages fail…you spend the 1st 5-7 yrs being parents and being so dedicated to the child, then once that child is old enough to not depend on you so much, you realize that as a man and a woman yall have very little in common…dedicating a chunk of your 20s to a dude that can't sustain your mental interest into your 30s and 40s is losing
    My recent post Can Jordy Nelson Be Considered Elite Now?

  34. "It was Sunday, and I was recovering from the community service I performed from the prior evening, helping young women mitigate the cost of heir higher education."

    ..Yeah, eh? I see you.

    The girl is daft, because more people consider it a "loss" to have a child out of wedlock than to be 30 without a family. A 32 year old without a child is more likely to find someone than a 27 year old with pickney. She just got lucky…and goodness knows how long that'll last.

    When I was younger, I thought 27 would be the perfect age to get married and start up the baby factory. Now, not so much. Mostly because I want to get school out of the way and establish a career first. However, if I should find love and get proposed to before that time, I'm open to taking that walk but perhaps delaying the factory opening for the first two or so years. If he wants them ASAP, I might reconsider. Man, all these "if"s. I'd like to be married by 30, but I'll survive and manage to lead a happy life without it.

  35. Talk to me when you're 50, have a healthy family and educated children and no debt. That's my story and I'm single and no children. I'm living MY CHOICE, over what society says I should be doing. I haven't had to pay divorce attorneys (as many of my friends who were married and "living the dream" have had to do), and I've not woken up many a night crying because there's no man in my bed (in fact, I've broken up with a few who think it's cool to creep in and out of bed with a woman). No HIV/No drama. So, while most of us have 99 Problems, not being married without kids Ain't One.

  36. All I am gonna say is: I am 30, I have a a pretty good job. I am educated. etc. etc. but I have no "serious" dude & no kids & often I feel like I am losing. So if I am being completely honest I can't fault old girl for her original statement. It is never okay to make blanket statements about others but in my situation I feel as if I have exceled in every other aspect of my life EXCEPT that aspect. I know that my entire life isn't based off having a man and kids, but just like any other goal, it is something I always dreamed of and expected to have and do well at. SO being 30, reading articles about my eggs getting old, and having no real potential in that arena on the horizon def feels like losing at times. I even get to the point where I wonder if I should've focused less on school/career stuff and focused more on the husband/kids stuff. I mean you're never too old to get an education but you can def get too old to have a family…

  37. Ole girl may have been an azz for putting it that way – but I also have an issue with all this media that praises and encourages women to have kids when they're dang near ready to retire as well. You can't fight biology – at least not and win. I don't care what franken-babies these celebrities come up with when the mom is old and they genetically engineer their twins (lookin' at you Evelyn!). I don't have the time or money for that. When I looked up and realized that 30 was creeping right up on me I didn't get desperate. But I did start dating differently. No more wasting time with dudes I knew didn't have long term potential just to be sweated. Had to put on my big girl panties and fess up *early* that yes, I DID want a serious relationship.

    Most of us (women) want BOTH. Wife and Mother are both great titles, but I also want to know that I have a source of happiness and responsibility that doesn't revolve around my huuby and kids. Cuz for real – family gets funny acting sometimes.

    1. I'm so with you. The tweet was full on insulting to me personally, but the fact remains:
      she's ain't right, but she's not all the way wrong either.

      Folks call themselves trying to comfort me with "Celebrity X had twins at 59" – I don't give a hot damb! First of all, I don't have Celeb X's ends, secondly I don't want a baby at 59! I'ma be alright, you ain't gotta lie to me and feed me extraordinary stats as if they are the norm to pacify me. I know that child birth risks increase exponentially after the age of 35, that number ain't changing cause I got money or cause I want a baby. It's a fact. Let's not forget that while protecting our own feelings.

  38. Birth defects and autism are on the rise due to our toxic industrial environments, not the age of mother giving birth. A city in Texas (I forget the name of the city) has the highest rate of recorded birth defects "allegedly" due to the proximity of a plant that produces plastic bottles for water and soda. The bisphenol a (BPA) releases an extremely high level of toxins into the air in that community. FYI all bottled beverages (water, etc.) contain trace ammounts of BPA. California just passed a bill banning the use of BPA in infant bottles. Also, autism is being linked to the increase in "required" drugs injected into babies for vaccinations. Think about it. 20 years ago there was far less consumption of plastic bottled beverages and vaccinations went from including 3 preventative serums to 17. That's why now some states make it optional for parents to decide if they want to pump their babies with these drugs. Visit http://www.ewg.org. Do your research.

    1. "Birth defects and autism are on the rise due to our toxic industrial environments, not the age of mother giving birth." This statement on its own is incorrect.

      While I can agree that the environment has become more toxic and that affects fertility rates, the bold assertion that it's not age, is well… not well researched on your part.

      It's never one thing… what we have _evidence_ to support is the negative impact of age on fertility… it's kind of un-debatable… but yes, I'm sure as we continue to expand the field of research about environmental toxins, we will see that it has a great impact… that does not negate the evidence we currently have.
      My recent post Small City Crush Games

      1. I didnt disagree with you about age and fertility. I disagreed with you about birth defects and autism which actually are not segregated to any specefic age group of mothers.

  39. I wonder how ‘happy’ someone truly is with their choices if they feel the need to bash others who make a different or opposite choice. I really do.

    You know what we all need to do? Be critical thinkers for ourselves and stop letting society tell us what we should be doing. Everybody is entitled to the life they want (married, kids or none at all)….not the life they ‘think’ they should want or the one ‘society’ tells them to want.

  40. I agree with u Streetz! But what u should know is- women don’t want to see other women happy. So they’ll make other women feel messed up about their current situation…… Its natural I guess. That’s why so many women can’t get along. There’s too much of a combination of hatin and ignorance in a lot of women today. Its unfortunate.

  41. I saw the twitter and thought… what was she smoking. I fully agree with you. When and if I marry I plan to do it once. Everyone thinks they know best, especially for black women like myself that fall into this "statistic." Im going to do what it is that makes me happy. If its traveling, focusing on a relationship, whatever . Im going to enjoy my life, which looks nothing like the domestic life some women have bought into.

  42. This is so funny. I am 28 in a committed relationship, no kids, full time job, own business, benefits and honestly I would have to say I'm WINNING. lol. It's so funny too cause a lot of my friends who have the families and marriages and stuff have told me that they wished they were in my position or implied or hinted to it. Those who think I'm "Losing" probably just don't want to admit that marriage and kids isn't all cupcakes and rainbows as they thought it would be. But different strokes different folks…I live my life according to what I think is best for me.

  43. Thank you for writing this article. I have a child; however, I have been divorced for seven years and I am in my 30’s. I too have felt the wrath of female friends/associates who are in a relationship, engaged, or married and have something negative to say. I am not saying all women, but some women measure their worth off of having a man. Maybe that is a mentality that could be passed down from generation to generation, I do not know. Plus with some women, it is a race to get and keep a man. These types of women then want to push their “got to have a man” beliefs upon their sisters. Whether intentional or not, these comments can hurt a person’s feelings. It just never ends, some women are always competing due to low self esteem issues and they throw low blows.

  44. As you stated, this is not back in the 1930’s. I believe times are harder concerning dating and marriage. There are more challenges now-a-days people have to deal with. An example is sex; sex is so easily and readily available all over the place. In turn, it can be hard for people to settle down with just one person for the rest of their life and be faithful. You figure these women would remember that being in the dating scene is not a piece of cake. They should be giving hope and encouraging words to women with no kids and/or not married, not trying to put them down.

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  46. I'm a 39 year old educated black female – unmarried and childless. Despite planning many women now live lives that are not considered "the norm." As a single woman I must rely on myself and plan for my own future and retirement. I take pride in being a responsible and independent woman. Yet society labels me as a "loser", "undateable", "past my prime", no longer "employable" and no longer "reproductively viable" because of my age and status. Since when did being single at my age make me all of these things? There are no guarantees you get your "blueprinted life." I've witnessed women lose spouses, significant others and children to separations, divorces, death. They find themselves suddenly alone and saying "how did this happen to me?!" And they are forced to enter the world of singlehood when stripped of the "securities" they felt made them superior. Don't make assumptions about single women. You simply don't know our life stories and you could very well be in our shoes one day and need the support and advice of those you put down.

  47. Men age like wine and women age like milk. Yes you women are losing, each and everyday there is a fresh crop of 18 year old a$$ entering the market. You aging sisters cant keep living in fantasy land. "MOST" quality brothers do not a overweight,over bearing 35 year old sister. So sistahs stock up on the cat food,Sex and The City DVD's and fresh batteries for your vibrators or prepare to share a man.

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  49. They will even take a ring from a man whom they know aint sh*t, just because they feel pressure of their age and time slipping away. just because a cheating, lying, or abusive dude pops the question,.Good

  50. You must learn to take responsibility for your self and learn to take responsibility for your role played
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