Home Featured Defending Her Honor: When a Man Disrespects a Woman

Defending Her Honor: When a Man Disrespects a Woman


I was out with Shonna at one of her favorite spots. We’d been there for about an hour. She was laughing. I was smiling. We were having the best night we’d had together since we started dating. I put my drink on the bar, and let her know I had to make a pit stop at the restroom before we continued enjoying each other’s company. The conversation had been phenomenal. We hung onto each other’s word, and the decision to approach her a few weeks earlier at the mixer seemed more and more like one of the best decisions I’d made in my life. It’d been a hectic week for both of us and the time we were spending together that night made all the stress evaporate into the noise-filled air.

I headed off to the bathroom and said hello to Joseph. He was usually there on Fridays. He knew I wasn’t one to talk while doing what men do when they’re well-hydrated. Joseph waited until I was finished, then made a couple comments about the crowd and what he’d been up to. This was the routine. And per the usual course, I threw a tip into the basket after drying my hands. He pulled open the door so that I could get back to the beautiful woman that had intrigued me into putting everything else on hold.

I glanced toward the bar and my smile was reduced to something much less savory. Shonna looked agitated and a man was walking away. I picked up my stride and got back to her. Her expression was the last thing I wanted to see on what was otherwise a perfect evening.

“What just happened? Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. He was really rude.”

“What you mean. What he say to you? What happened? He over there with his boy pointin’ and they lookin’ over like you just acquired the rights to his first born. What’s that all about?”

One of my many inappropriately placed jokes that typically worked well for her. I feigned my normal smirk, but she saw through it. I absorbed her agitation and felt it incubating in my chest. I guess it made its way into my voice and eyes.

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“Oh, he was hitting on me. He was telling me how he thought he could treat me right, etc. That’s all. No big deal.”

“Is that all he said? You can tell me the truth. I had a Long Island and some water. I’m not gonna spazz out and hit him with a Heineken bottle.”

“Fine. Don’t get mad, but…”

I was mad.

“He said that if I gave him a chance that he’d give me a night to remember. I told him I was here with somebody and that I wasn’t interested. He wasn’t happy with that. He laughed and called me a silly b-word. I think he’s tipsy though. Don’t worry about it.”

My eyes got wide. It was a look she hadn’t seen before. I could tell what my face was doing because her reaction mirrored my own. She knew I had a temper. She never saw it come to life, but I’d spoken about it.

“I’m gonna have a quick chat with dude. That ain’t cool. He had no right to disrespect you like that. Doesn’t matter what the circumstances were.”

I turned and looked. Homie was laughing and looking over. His boy was doing the same. I made eye contact with both of ’em. They didn’t look hostile. Regardless, this wasn’t a situation to be taken lightly.

I told Shonna I’d be right back. She grabbed my arm and asked me to leave it alone, but that wasn’t an option. As much as I knew she wanted me to be the “upstanding gentleman,” I just couldn’t accept that someone would treat a woman that I valued so much with so little respect. Imagine if someone called your mother out of her name or shoved her out the way to get by? Yeah, imagine how that would feel. It was just like that.

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I took a deep breath and headed over to “greet” them. There was no way this was gonna be pleasant. My only hope was that he or his friend apologized and it didn’t end with me explaining to my boss why I adorned wounds from an avoidable war.

I walked over with a straight face and heart racing. I don’t hate confrontation as much as I do the anticipation of what’s to come. When you’re talking to someone out with their friend(s) and they have a bit of drinky drank in their system, they get courageous and ballsy.

“Hey man. Just chatted with my girl over there and she said you called her out her name. What’s that about?”

I could’ve just asked him not to do it again, but I wanted to give him the opportunity to be a man and explain himself.

“Oh, it ain’t a thing partnah. You should just go back over there with your lady though. We all trying to have a good time tonight.”

I watched his hands. I watched his boy’s hands. I wasn’t trying to get hit over the head with a bottle. I also knew I couldn’t let him rock out thinkin’ what he said and did was cool. How I responded to a man disrespecting her was important. I didn’t wanna be Johnny Aggressive, but wanted her to know I took these type of slights seriously.

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“Oh, I’ma have a good night. Just wanted to see if there was a reason you’d approach another man’s girl in the club, spit game, and call her a bitch. That’s not what’s up. Just saying.”

I’d given him a chance to say he ain’t know I was with her and to apologize. He smirked and his boy didn’t say a word. He just looked at him, then at me. At him, then at me.

“Seriously homie, it was nothing. Go back over to your girl.”

My jaw tensed. My palms got sweaty. I shifted my weight so that if I needed to throw a punch, it’d have the force of all my ancestors behind it.

“I see you got a drink nearby and I’ma assume you had a few more of those tonight. I can’t make you do shit. But a man in this situation would apologize.”

His eyes grew wild.

“Yo, f*ck you and your bitch, nigga! You can’t make me do shit.”

I balled up my fist and apologized to myself for what I was about to do. My temper raised its hand in victory.

It was about to be a long night.

Ladies, what would you have expected a man you were dating to do in this situation? What’s his role when another man disrespects you? Fellas, how would you have handled this situation? What do you think a man’s role should be in situations like this?


P.S. Check out my latest post with a positive spin on UPTOWN Magazine: 3 Signs He IS Just That Into You. Also check out “Are You Robbing Yourself?” on TRSJ to see if you’ve got your priorities straight.


  1. I'd totally expect my man to approach the disrespectful idiot and defend me, and if ti ends up in a fight then that is what he had to do to defend me and enforce respect, not only to his girl but to himself. To do otherwise would turn me off. To do nothing would result in me second-guessing his potential as a real and fearless man. That situation you described shows you are 100% for your woman, it shows your masculinity, that you are willing and able to protect me and a future family, that you aren't afraid of no man, demand respect, and are no pushover; that anyone who walks by better respect your woman and yourself. That is hot. That is what I like in a man. I'd see him again.

        1. You're fairly daft if you assumed that was the reasoning. The point is that you don't know how things will end up. People carry guns around and look for any reason to put them to use. Especially fools who go around disrespecting people like the one in this story did.

        2. You're the dumb one, can't even carry a convo with anyone without name-calling and insulting, trying to make yourself look tough and "intelligent". You don't know what i know or what I am referring to, you're just taking anything I say, put words in my mouth and attempt to insult me. Pathetic. And no one uses "daft" anymore. This isn't the middle ages and I'm not impressed.

        3. I wasn't trying to impress you, little one. You'd do well to calm your ass, though. Running around cussin' and telling people to "stfu" is what's "not cute". It's not that serious.

        4. YOU are the little one, and YOU better calm YOUR ass down. Are you gonna make me? HAHAHAH, lol @ you trying to look tough online, must be a sad life you lead outside the interwebz. I've smeared you all across this board. I think I got some residue of you on my shoe.

        5. Michelle: Just like to point out that I know a couple of people who still use daft.
          Naija: No mind am jarey!

    1. That's also the kind of attitude that gets people killed for stupidity! It is 1 thing to defend her honor & your own respect, but as he was not present for this to take place in his face (he didn't even hear the expletive) then he needs to simply tend to the female & make sure she is ok.

      What is actually shown by going over after she even said to leave it alone, was that he will seek trouble whenever he feels slighted. All battles don't require you to participate in order to win, nor do they require you to fight in order to win either….. especially when you are outnumbered & don't know the mindset of the other participants.
      One of them not only might have a gun on them right then, but they could just as easily be the type to seek you out later with a gun in order to settle things.

      Gotta use your head, assess all situations & the possible outcomes before you choose a course of action….. since sometimes the consequences are much higher than you losing a few "man points" in her eyes.

      1. Right on! I tell people this all the time. My moms always told me to never fight over words especially if you know its not true. That's how I dealt with bullies. As long as no one got physical then they can go ahead. That can apply to this. They used disrespectful language. They have no respect for women. You can't force them to have respect for women either. But they didn't put their hands on her or threaten her physically. And they didn't do it in front of him either. I really saw no reason to escalate the situation. And there are women who encourage that behavior. It's dangerous. Why would you want your man to put himself in what could be serious danger over some words? This isn't the playground.

        1. No one said I would want him to "put himself in a dangerous position". YOU said that. Don't put words in my mouth and learn to fucking read, this isn't the middle ages.

        2. "if ti ends up in a fight then that is what he had to do to defend me and enforce respect"

          So as far as you're concerned, no part of a fight is even remotely dangerous? Alright, then.

        3. AS FAR AS I'M concerned, you need to mind your own business and not worry about what the hell I mean, what I expect and what i believe for a man. Alright? Alright then.

    2. I’m sorry….but in my opinion……that’s one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. I’m suppose to go risk my life for a female that isn’t my wife 0_o?

      I’m glad these ladies also addressed it. I would make a joke and have us ignore it. Why should there have to be violence and mess up a good night for the actions of someone else…..especially when you’re not my wife.

      What man is going to risk his life….for someone he’s just dating?!? Not his girlfriend of 6 years. Not his wife. Not even the mother to his kids…….but a girl he’s been dating? I’m far from a punk, but Mr. Jackson, you got it. Maybe when I was younger I would have done that, but I’ve smartened up over the years and learned to control my temper. Wish you luck.

      1. You don't know what the hell I look for in a man or what kind of woman I am, you don't know me PERIOD, so shut the fuck up trying to insult me. Your comments are one of the dumbest I've ever read too, so now we're even.

        1. Who said anything about your taste in men? I was talking about your comment of a guy having to prove himself for you to keep your attention and what I would do in that situation. And by your immediate reaction to becoming angry and cursing, your words and character is showing what kind of person you are.

          And what's so dumb about me not wanting to go out of my way to defend a female I'm not even with or love? He wasn't even there….he was in the John.

    3. See, if you were willing for a man, I would rock with this comment… I understand the dynamic

      But we are in 2011, men have to be strong & smart, & a dash of emo…

      I would just have to pass on your goodies if that means living longer to sample other women's goodies

    4. That is insanely foolish. In fact its idiotic on his behalf and rather immature on yours. You expect your man to go running with fists balled to prove his masculinity? What is this…..Wild Kingdom? We are high schoolers anymore. Your mentality is a prime example of one of the driving forces of violence today. Men feeling the need to prove themselves, their manhood, their masculinity to some woman by confronting another man. Many have died from such foolishness while the women they sought to prove themselves to just moved on to the next dude. Mr Masculines memory faded away like footprints in the sand.
      Funny how you want your date to act like some attack dog but when was the last time you jumped in the ring? Last time you went from being a spectator to a fighter? You’re out on a date and some woman is giving him the eye and trying to signal him from the bar. What are you gonna do?

      1. I couldn't disagree more.

        I actually think the violence we see today, the propensity to use guns and all that stems from us not checking each other.

        What kind of world are we living in when a man can blatantly – publicly – disrespect a woman he doesn't know and nobody says or does anything. Apathy is cancerous to civilization. The fact that you don't say something to these guys this time means they're going to do it again to someone else. And maybe the next time, they'll be even more bold. Maybe next time they'll grab and tug on her. Someone somewhere didn't check them when they needed to be checked and the result of that was the woman I was with got disrespected. Be a man – let the buck stop with you. Nobody's saying there's definitely going to be a fight. That's a stretch. All you gotta do is let them know that the shit is unacceptable. If you fight you fight. And if you die you die. People die over lesser shit than honor all the time. Life ain't as precious as we all make it out to be.
        My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

        1. "If you fight you fight. And if you die you die. People die over lesser shit than honor all the time. Life ain't as precious as we all make it out to be."

          Maybe your life isn't. Mine is!

        2. Sprads?

          Did you mean to end this comment with /s?'

          I refuse to believe you would entertain this foolishness.

        3. Sorry, Most – I disagree with most of your comment.

          1. Yes, people do die over lesser ish but that doesn't mean this particular incident is worthy a confrontation, either. There's a time and place for everything and I do think some battles need to be fought and some people do need to be checked. You are absolutely right.

          2. We also need to be wise enough to choose the right battles. I think in this case, the action taken was out of pride and an emotional impulse in the guise of honor. I think would have been more honorable if he tended more to what she needed to be comforted, not what he thinks she needed.

          3. To a man, it looks like he's defending her honor. To a woman, it may raise a red flag that he may have anger issues.

          4. Life IS precious. You can't come back from death and say "oops, my bad".

        4. "And maybe the next time, they'll be even more bold. Maybe next time they'll grab and tug on her."

          That's the point when they should have been checked! Now they are truly disrespecting her & yourself….. but otherwise it looks like she is an instigator & you have anger management issues (regarding this particular situation).

          If we checked people for everything then next we'll see more people chasing someone down the street cause they cut them off. Answer this….. does going over to tell them that their behavior is unacceptable actually solve anything? Do you really expect them to apologize or not do it again? I can almost 100% guarantee that you won't ever get the result you want, otherwise you wouldn't have had to go over there in the 1st place.

        5. Reading this late… But I agree with her date checking the guy because he was wrong and obvously has 0 respect for women. I have been in situations where a man has either grabbed me by the arm, touched my breast, or made inappropriate comments, or tried to get in my pants or buy me drinks while my s/o was around me but not paying attention to me and knowing perfectly well who my s/o is at that. Each instance caught me completely off guard, made me uncomfortable, and I didnt know what to do. My s/o never once stood up for me I had to have the balls when I got grabbed, I kno I have to just put on a deaf ear if im around a thirsty man or one of his thirsty friends because he will not take it seriously and he will still communicate with and befriend these people . I dont understand why he doesnt stand up for me but claims he loves me so much.

          I never ask for the attn, I think men try to test him to see what he will do. When he does nothing I feel like he isnt letting his presence be known and like I have to fend for myself. Some men wil be very pushy when they see he doesn’t care. It puts me in an akward place because I dont kno how some men will react and I want that extra security if a guy gets too out of line.
          But the worst part of it is I’ve seen him jump to protect other female acquaintances of ours.

      2. I don't care what the hell you think about what I've said. I can easily say the same for you that your comments are also immature and DUMB. You don't know shit about me or what I've gone through, so don't think I need approval from you or that I will explain myself to some dumb stranger online. Now gtfo tryna sound tough online.

  2. I have so much respect for you for this Slim. I'm old school. While I appreciate the defense, I'm a lady and I can defend my own honor. Being from Detroit by way of Bham, I think you may have came out of the bathroom to a "situation" in my case. In other words, it would have already been handled. LOL… just sayn.

    I really think if I knew the man I was with had a proclivity to step to someone like that, I'd wouldn't tell him that story, I'd just try to leave. In fact, I have to admit here – I'd possibly even lie to avoid a situation. Brothers I've dated would definitely have pulled the same move, cut up and shut the club down.

    Addendum & special note : Slim, we need you out here and I know you have Quan and all …no need to display it and hurt the average, common ninjas out here though. They're not ready. And we can't have you all banged up – even though you won. Still. I'm sure she appreciated it. It's kinda like you will get instantly served with a display of love like that. It's just that these days, most ninjas aren't fighting or dealing respectably.

    My recent post Leaving things under the rocks….Some things are better left alone

    1. Real talk Rae, this is how most women I know would have handled things! She would have either already handled it before I get back or she wouldn't tell me because of possibly triggering a reaction. I would have told her lets split though because the atmosphere is awful in there now though instead of going across & putting everybody in the building (including her) in danger.

      Now being there to witness some disrespect going on would be a different story, somebody going to the ER/Morgue & somebody going to jail….. I don't plan on dying no time soon so we know where I won't be going.

      1. LOL @ you!!! I feel you. Thank you Laamaj. How I was brought up – you either handle it as a woman or leave. I choose to do both most of the time. And I can understand if the man I am with "sees" this offense. That's different. Even then, as Most was saying in an earlier comment, there's so much violence out here. NO respect for life. People pull triggers these days, not punches so it's best if you can to shut it down before it starts. And truthfully, folks do need to be checked at times. So I feel like it's my job as a woman to do the checking. He'll think twice before he does it again the next time. That I know for sure.
        My recent post Leaving things under the rocks….Some things are better left alone

        1. I have had a situation go down once at a pool hall where my sisters recognized that we (myself, brother-in-law, cousins) were about to fight this other group because 1 of them was seriously overstepping his boundaries. They ended up being the 1's that kept the peace, got management involved by telling them that if they didn't keep them guys away from us then somebody was getting killed that night.

          My oldest sister told us later she knew we was some gorillas & she might not sense we about to fight often, but she knows it's serious when we do reach that point.

          The young lady in this situation, in my opinion, she should have been the 1 to keep the situation from getting out of control. She could have done as you say (Rae) & handled the situation, then never let him have known unless she was really bothered….. in which case she could tell him in the car after they had already left so he could vent in the car.

        2. RIGHT!!!! I think that's the best option. LOL abt your sister saying y'all some gorillas (my favs! **swoon**) It's best when we can step in to keep the peace if it's at all possible. And I understand being down, checkin' for folks – and i"m all about that. But I also believe I might as well avoid it because there will come a time when I may have to just jump out there for real. I'm definitely about holding my peace and then saying something on the way home. It prevents a whole lot of fuckery. Then lie you said he can vent and do whatever. By then, it's already all over. Just like Most said his wife didn't tell him until afterward. That's just good judgment on her part. She def did a wifely thing in that case.
          My recent post Leaving things under the rocks….Some things are better left alone

  3. <Fellas, how would you have handled this situation? What do you think a man’s role should be in situations like this?

    I respect the hussle homie but I would have let it go myself. Knowing me, I doubt I would have even walked over. I can’t be out here on some “every night I got to fight to prove my love” – no Five Heartbeats – for every man that calls my woman out her name in the club. Gotta pick your battles but this is one I would choose not to fight.

    1. "I can't be out here on some "every night I got to fight to prove my love" …"


      You won a few extra cool points with this one, WIM, lol…

      "Let's do shy brother…" LOL! #ican't

  4. To be honest with you, I would rather him do nothing more than direct a big, dutty screwface their way. There's just so much that could go wrong, and like you said, all it takes is liquid courage and the crew hyping an idiot up for something to go down. I would only expect him to say or do something if he were present at the time the disrespect took place. If he'd just stood idly by and said nothing at that point, then it'd be a problem.

    I love the idea of a man who'll stand up for me much as any other woman, but you have to choose your battles. Of course, if you achieve your goal and the guy comes back sniffling through an apology, it's all good and I have yet another reason to swoon over you. If things go horribly wrong, however, neither of us would be able to say that it was well worth it. In terms of wanting to show her that you don't take such slights lightly, the fact that you even had the intent of walking over could have been enough. If he wants to and I stop him, it's all good. He gets points, but nobody gets hurt. For the guys who fake it…..a lot of women can easily see through the false bravado.

      1. I just thought about it and even that may be an invitation for them to come and show their asses. A serious, but fairly non-expressive look out to be sufficient.

        Random aside… where is our resident Haitian General? STREETZ, you lied to me! I ain't get a single comment notification in my inbox, and that's all I came to check on while I hurriedly get ready to bounce. *shakes fist*

  5. The only woman worth potentially dying over is my wife. Other than that, I'm not fighting another dude on behalf of a woman. Sorry, niggas die over petty shit everyday, b. Women talk that bullshit "well you should go defend my honor." They obviously never been punched in the face by another grown man, because if they did they wouldn't be so fucking willing to throw MY life away because a nigga disrespected THEM.

    So in short, I let it go and we leave. If she got a problem and I'm not man enough, she can skate. If he disrespects her in FRONT of me, we'd have to have some words…but come to blows? Negative. Not unless she was my wife and not unless her well being, health, or life was threatened.

    1. Welp… 'bout sums it up right there. What stands to be lost greatly outweighs what's to be gained in this situation, especially in a club setting. If you can't weigh your options or choose your battles, you won't' ever have to worry about being disrespected, 'cause you'll just end up an afterthought.

    2. "I'm not fighting another dude on behalf of a woman…They obviously never been punched in the face by another grown man, because if they did they wouldn't be so fucking willing to throw MY life away because a nigga disrespected THEM."


      Unless you're my wife or mother, I'm not getting stabbed, shot or jumped by a dude's whole crew over words exchanged when I wasn't even there. If the guy is that immature that he calls a woman out of her name because he didn't get any play, he's not worth me catching a misdemeanor.

  6. I would love it if the guy I was dating would defend me however, like you stated people get ballsy when they drink so if it really wasn't that big of a deal I would just tell my man AFTER we left the club. There's no need to risk the Mr. getting hurt over something that's trivial when he can just huff and puff in the car and I can calm him down when we get home.

  7. Rae that was a classy stance and I totally agree. A woman would have had that handled before her man even came out of the bathroom. Why put your man in some possable BS unnecessarly. Mature folks can pick their battles. Lil girls strive on drama….

  8. i want more details on what happened. Don't leave a playa out in the cold @ the climax of the story… lol. To offer my opinion, he probably deserved a touching better than the one you gave him. I've been in a similar situation before and I thought my companion was telling me to "be the bigger man" just because she thought it was the right thing to do but she REALLY thinks bailing me out of jail over someone else's ignorance is a waste of time so… to each his own bruh

  9. Calling someone a 'silly B' doesn't really register as a situation that needs to be handled. I pray I never meet a woman who measures her honor based on what drunk people call her.

    1. agree as the saying goes" if it don't apply let it fly".

      Especially when the comment is from the drunk, hanging with my boys not getting any play in the club type dude.

  10. Let it go. Chances of either of you seeing him again is slim to none. Never let another take you out your character especially in front of your lady..

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  11. Honestly, I would not have told my man I was called a B$&@! Until we were in the safety of our home. I would not want my man to get hurt not because he can't fight, it's because bullets don't care if you have a black belt…it's not worth it. If the situation happened in my man's presence then I would expect him to defuse the situation as a gentleman.

  12. Logically, while i would want to check the offending neer-do-wells, noting that my fighting skills are not up to par, and i'm not sure i can handle the unpredictablness of 2 men my size/build…i would logically tell miss boo thang not to worry about it, let's exit from the cesspool of little men.

    that's logically.

    in the real world, i don't know what i would do. and i would hope that the woman i'm with, wouldn't put me in a position to find out.

    but, if it's my wife…i guess i'm 'bout to go to jail/die. *shrugs*
    My recent post kjnetic: @CarmillaLusta my santa hat is bawse though, ain't it? humbug!

    1. I respect a man willing to admit he can't throw hands. But let me tell you a secret, most folks can't fight. Like even really tough guys who fight all the time, don't really know how to fight, they're just willing and not afraid.

      Respectfully, I would suggest a boxing class or martial arts class. Not for situations like the one in this post, but for situations where you have to fight – where someone forces your hand.. The situation may never come, but you want to be prepared none the less and you'd be surprised at how much you can learn in 4 or 5 months. 4 or 5 months in a boxing class and your learn tools and techniques that will make you a better fighter than like 90% of the guys you'll ever come across.

  13. A smart man picks his battles..

    I think physical force should only be used when there is a physical treat/ danger

    A man who knows these things is a keeper in my book but a man who flies off the handle to "defend my honor" would just become an embarrassment after a while.
    My recent post Dear E,

    1. This is a hard one….part of me agrees 100% with Lioness…while part of me would be very flattered and feel like the ultra feminine woman having her knight and shining armor defend her honor. I think most every woman likes that sort of thing. Which goes back to why most women (including me) prefer taller stronger looking men…because in the back recesses of our minds we want a man who we feel confident can defend us and our honor should the need arise.
      However, the sensible, logical part of me says Streetz you should've chilled and fell back and just left and went somewhere else. Or if you just had to say something say what you had to say to dude and walk away.
      As the lady in the scenario keepin it real a part of me would be worried about your (our) safety cause folks are bat sh** crazy nowadays. They will kill and maim in cold blood and not feel an iota of remorse.
      If dude is big, bad, bold and immature enough to call your lady a bit** just because she choose not to give him any play then chances are he wouldn't hesitate to take it to the streetz (pun intended) and pull his 9 or whatever he may be carrying. He sounds like the "young, dumb, and full of cum" type of dude.
      I know men sometimes just can't help themselves because of testosterone and pride and just "being a man" but that ish can get you and others hurt and/or killed. That is not worth it.
      So I, just like the lady you were with would've really wanted you to let it go or say what you had to say and both of us bounce asap.
      Like some other commentors have said…you have to wisely pick and choose your battles.

  14. Watching "The First 48" religiously has put many things into perspective for me. Lives are lost over the craziest, most irrelevant stuff! People don't fight with their fists anymore. There are simply too many unknowns when dealing with a complete stranger in the club. I'd much rather have a live, breathing partner than the opportunity to brag to everyone about how he died defending my honor. I'm a very strong advocate for simply walking away. Being called a silly b#$^^$ by someone completely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things is just not enough of a reason for me to send my handsome date on a suicide mission. Truth be told, I wouldn't even tell him anything when he came out of the bathroom.

    1. Truth I totally cosign on that. Good point about not saying anything and just trying to get my date to leave the premises.
      That First 48 is no joke.

  15. Hmm…just met her recently…no physical harm or major verbal abuse….I would have just asked if she was ok and kept the night going. Nothing positive really comes out of the situation. It's either neutral or negative.

  16. Good Morning,

    Rapid Reaction. What would Dr. J beholder of the Quan would do?

    – I do not believe in defending any particular woman’s honor, girlfriend and/or wife included (I am under the assumption that a large percentage of people put themselves in tough spots). In this case, it SEEMS she was a CLEAR victim. I believe in protecting those who are weaker than me. So, that is an entirely different scenario, cause that includes weak men & women…, I will not think twice in coming to the defense of a legit victim…

    – Here is where it gets dicey, alot of men IN GENERAL in America do not have a strong, principled male role model in their lives… And that shows up in women’s complaints wondering where all the real men are… So, naturally alot of men suck at conflict resolution…

    So, if I beat a man a$$ (its a moot point is I get my a$$ beat), A wounded animal is one of the most dangerous animals in the jungle what will that man do to me or my fam, if I don’t kill him… (group beat downs, knives, guns)…

    Sometimes you have to take HUGE “Ls” in life, just to live another day of freedom…

    Getting a woman’s emotional state back in order in this case is simple, the other part is a case by case basis

    You are writing this post under your own recognizance, so I am assuming the war went well for you Slarack…


  17. First of all congratz on your new sweetie, even though I'm a little jealous… I was planning a trip to NY to meet you (Totaly kidding- not on the congratz part, lol). Anyway, I can appreciate how you went over and politely questioned the dude. However, I agree with folks upthread that you never know what you might be getting yourself into once it turns physical. It's best to just walk away from "ignant" folks. Just way too many unknown variables. I'm sure Shonna appreciates your concern and wants your face to stay pretty for the next date 🙂
    PS- If Dr. J is reading this I left a very late comment to yesterdays post.- don't know if you had a chance to read it. I didn't mean for you personally to do research. It was meant a general statement for anyone who may have seen the comment to reasearch the info on the web address I left. I was in a hury and didn't word that properly.

  18. While the action was cute and honorable, in that situation the man should just keep it moving. If she handled it already then don’t worry just stay close by her for the rest of the night and make sure things don’t get crazy. If he didn’t put hands on your lady or was still in her face when you got out the bathroom there’s no need to escalade the situation.

    Plus these young boys are crazy, people don’t fight they shoot first ask questions later. Not only that if you not really the Muhammad Ali type then think about can you really win that fight. Cause if you lose (and weren’t jumped) then :/. The only time that might be acceptable is if that was your young daughter and some old man stepped out of place, then that’s different.

  19. Oh so many things run through my mind…first and foremost is that as a woman, it PISSES me off that men feel so comfortable, so safe in disrespecting me. Especially in the club. I have complained to my many male friends that I want to start carrying an ice pick…man disses me, I catch his ass in the crowd and shank him real quick. No one can really tell what happened, the wound wouldn't send me to jail for attempted murder IF I was caught, and I'd get some satisfaction in that I didn't sit idly by and let some jerk get away with his foolishness. Yeah…well, needless to say, they won't let me take the ice pick with me when we go out.

    Violence begets violence. As someone already stated, you never know who you're stepping to and unless you kill the offender (and those who may seek revenge for his demise), you run the risk of having to look over your shoulder for many years for fear of violent retribution. Being called a B**** does not warrant a violent response. Dude put his hands on me, I'll do what I have to do to make him pay for that myself. Whether I crush the glass I'm holding into his face and go to jail right then, or mark him for a hit later on, is up to me. But I'll handle how things get done. I don't believe in getting anyone else into some mess on my behalf. I write my own Karmic checks so to speak. ;-).

  20. WIfey has a fat bottom, use to be OD in your face big tymers big, now it is just normal black girl big. But I went through this a lot in my early twenties. Everyone thinks its cool to make a comment about a phat @$$, and as a notoriously disrespectful person who can't keep his mouth shut, I understand the hustle. I am never going to get mad at a dude who doesn't know its mine or doesn't see me there. But once you come out of your mouth with me in the building we have a problem.

    Now just because I am not there doesn't mean I want people putting their filthy hands where I put my face, so your S/O has to be quick to drop the "i'm taken" card. Don't wait until he has his hands on the small of your back to tell him. That is just disrespectful to me. But this was an amazing post, great idea to share the story. untouched territory, no sandusky.

    1. That’s interesting that you feel an inappropriate comment to her is disrespectful to you. And only you. As if she is property and not a person in her own right who deserves respect. I know that’s not what you were trying to say, but the wording is kinda telling.

      1. It's not about being property. You are a repersentaion of your man so if someone gets out of line with you and you dont or cant handle it on a certain level their getting out of line with him too.

      2. I see what you did. But let me just say, I think I have the ability to differentiate between how I treat an SO and how I want my SO percieved.
        You can't find a girl who would say "That ninja CHeeKZ, he treats me like a piece of meat". But you will find dudes who would tell you "that ninja CHeeKZ, he takes personal pride in the perception of the women he gives a title to"

        The truth of the matter is the only chance my wife has of having a decent night out, is with my by her side, outside of that she is a target. She isn't a PHD student, she isn't a sister, she isn't wifey material. Outside of me, she is just a phat a$$ to these terrorist who call themselves players in NYC. To men like me, women start off as @$$, so how can I expect dudes in the streetz to act.

  21. I don't think I've ever been with the type of man who would NOT have done what the man in this story probably ended up doing- and not just because of me, but because of how the other man started talking to him like he was a child. No sir. (Maybe that says something about the kind of men I choose- but I'm ok with that)

    Therefore, I would NOT have told my guy the whole story until we were home.
    My recent post Say It

      1. Um naw… I didn't even know who that was until the other day, lol.

        Completely thugged out? No thanks.

        Willing to defend me? Required.
        My recent post Thirst

  22. I'm not the type of guy who allows disrespect or injustice to go unchecked … especially if it involves people I care about. That's just part of my character. 99% of the time this a good thing I think. If everyone in the world acted when they saw people taking advantage of each other we'd have a much better world.

    I see a great many of you saying the guy should let it go. I think letting it go is probably the prudent thing to do, but the prudent thing to do isn't always the right thing to do. I also see a lot of women saying they would have handled it themselves. That's cool I guess, but not all women are like that. Some women would be intimidated by a man willing to call a woman he doesn't know a "bitch" in the middle of a crowded, public place. Those women are well within their right to be intimidated by that kind of man because there's no telling what he'd be willing to do to you. I also saw a couple of fellas saying they would let it slide because the woman is not their wife or long time significant other, my thing with that is… the dude disrespecting has no idea what the nature of your relationship is. For all he knows, you could be about to propose tomorrow.

    So all that said, if a woman I'm with tells me a dude just called her a bitch while I was in the men's room – regardless of whether she's someone I met that night, someone I'm dating, someone I'm in love with or just a good friend – I'm gonna have a conversation with the dude. I'm not walking over with the intention of fighting, and I'm not even going to be all filled with emotion and anger. It's just a matter of principle. Now once over there, how the guy responds will determine what happens next but rest assured, by the time I walk away, he'll understand my point.

    I know a lot of you are saying stuff like 'that's how people get shot' but you know what, if I get shot or stabbed for something like this, so be it. I don't say that lightly. I lost a good friend to a situation where he was defending the respect of another friend. For better or worse, it's just not in my character to let sh*t slide and I'd rather die being true to my character than let the fear that he's got a gun or a knife change who I am. People who get all hung up on death are interesting to me. Death or bodily harm ain't the worst thing that can happen to a n*gga. It may sound silly, but it's part of what makes me who I am and those who love me know this.

    One time at a college party, while my wife was strolling (or party hopping for those not in the North East) a dude slapped my wife on the ass. On the way home, she told me about it. When I asked why she didn't tell me in the party she said "because I know you would have hit him." I like that she's afraid of what I'd do to someone who disrespected her and strong enough therefore to take the decision out of my hands when necessary.

    1. I agree with this. A real man will do something about it. But a real woman will make sure he doesnt have to, unless its absolutely necessary. There are a lot of silly bishes out there that will put men in dangerous situations just to get drama, attention or validation. A woman will know when the situation needs to be handled by the man and when she needs to handle it herself. If you are gonna be damsel in distress all the time, you just leave a lot if wounded men in your wake, and that’s irresponsible.

      1. A real man will do something about it. But a real woman will make sure he doesnt have to, unless its absolutely necessary.

        And that concludes today's sermon.

      2. Wild Cougar say that again. A woman KNOWS what her man it made of. Stupidity shoukd never be a part of it. And you’re right some females love drama and negitive energy….that just validates her being the b¡!ch she was called.

      1. Eh. I see what Most is saying and I respect it, but I disagree. This may have been my view on life when I was 19-23 and in college but I'm 29 years old. For one, I don't even hit the club that much. For two, I'm not one to be out here captain saving for every girl I know – because I know a lot – and most are attractive. I'm pretty sure men say off-the-wall comments to them all the time when I'm not around but this time, because I'm "around" – in the restroom in this case – when I come back I have to go over and talk to a group of strange dudes to defend her honor? Nah…I'm good. I never thought I'd say this but WildCougar basically summarized how I feel on the subject up thread.

        Around my way we call men who die foolishly defending a woman's honor over verbal words from a drunk fool in the club, dead.

        1. But why is everyone jumping all the way to death though. You just not gonna say anything at all because you're afraid you might die? C'mon son … that's allowing fear to control too much of your life. I don't love my life enough to let the fear of losing it dictate my actions.

        2. It's likely not going to lead to death. Most dudes ain't about that life, and more than likely, they are just drunk. But I don't consider this a matter of fear, I consider it a matter of irrelevance. Especially if the situation didn't happen in front of me, and to someone I barely know.

          About six months into dating my current girl, we were leaving BW3 downtown, and there are a lot of bars in the area (hey it's Milwaukee, the drunkest city in the US). As we walked by a group of like four guys, one of them made a comment about how she looked in her dress. I stopped and turned around, but she grabbed my arm and told me it's not worth it. I was ready to do something, but my 18" unflexed guns aren't going to help much in a fight with four guys, but I was still down. But there are two differences between my situation and this post:

          1. It was direct disrespect in front of me.
          2. It was for someone I've been dating for a while.

          But for a woman I've only went on a couple dates with while I'm in the bathroom? It's not that serious.

        3. The disrespect continued once you came out the bathroom. They were laughing and pointing in you and her direction… basically saying, "I called son's shorty a bitch."

          But forget about the woman. What about the principle. How long will we stand quiet and let the world be run terrorists like these guys. This time it's "bitch" next time with some other guys girl it's a slap on the ass. The time after that it's even more physical. Who does the buck stop with?
          My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

        4. The ass slap would make most dudes react because they crossed a physical line. But the name calling to a date? Not that serious to me.

          But you did make a point I overlooked, which is the continued mocking after leaving the bathroom. That would likely make me react. But a dude that was so cowardly that he tried to sneak and get at my date when I walked away, called her a name, then slunk away? I don't have to react.

        5. Pause. I used the death example as a continuation of Dr. J's thoughts. I'm not going to say anything because it's not worth saying anything – to me, myself, personally, and I. You do you.

          Some stranger called you a bad name in the club? Boo-got damn-hoo. I couldn't even see myself dating a woman that would find it relevant enough to get bent out of shape because a drunk fool called her an inappropriate name. Now she wants me to fight over name calling? She trippin. And if you agree, you trippin.

          Like I said Most, I respect what you're saying. If you want to give the Martin Luther King, Jr epilogue to every ignorant N-word in the club, more power to you. I, myself, have better things to do.
          My recent post Guest Blog: You Can’t Write This Stuff

        6. LOL. WOW…

          I don't think anyone wants to act out….which is why Most alluded to the fact that the female shoulda kept the details to herself assuming that most men would be disturbed by a man disrespecting a chick he's with.

          I think its sad that disrespect is so normal now that half the dudes on here seem like they wouldn't be moved at all by it. Like, if y'all were Slim and the chick stupidly told you what happened while still in the club, all you'd be like is, "Aww, that's mess up. Don't worry about him. Now, where were we???" o_O At least say, "Let's get outta here before I have to slap the ish outta somebody…"

        7. That's actually the response of most of the men on here, to change the atmosphere & scenery….. we're not saying to just continue right there as though nothing happened, but we are saying nothing stand to be gained by going to confront them & plenty stands to be lost.

        8. "That's actually the response of most of the men on here, to change the atmosphere & scenery…"

          Not from what I'm reading, lol. But, if you say so…

          Seems like a whole lotta "why you even mad at what a drunk guy says" and "men can say whatever disrespectful ish they want to my non-wife for as long as I'm not around…if I'm around then maybe I'll say something if she's bothered by what's said…she ain't my wife and it wasn't directed at me so I'm cool to keep partying"…which, according to the majority of the ladies comments, is generally fine, lol. *shrugs* Everybody gotta do what's good for them. So, ok, lol…

        9. " If you want to give the Martin Luther King, Jr epilogue to every ignorant N-word in the club, more power to you. I, myself, have better things to do. "

          I need to be Resuscitated………


        10. "Now she wants me to fight over name calling? She trippin. And if you agree, you trippin."

          Again, who said anything about fighting? You address the situation because the situation deserves to be addressed. You can make light of a dude calling a woman in your company a bitch if you want, but where I'm from, that a serious offense and it deserves to be addressed. If a fight is what comes from addressing the situation then so be it. But again, you don't avoid doing what you should do because of what MIGHT occur if you do. That's cowardly by definition.

          My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

        11. "You address the situation because the situation deserves to be addressed." I respectfully disagree, bro. I don't feel the situation needs to be addressed. I seem to recall a nursery rhyme about "sticks and stones."

          You call it cowardly, I call it ignorant or immature. Im not a man driven by emotions. A stranger acts out of line towards my woman (while I'm not around) and I'm suppose to swoop in with cape in tote and address this man (and his friend) out of principle? Who cares where it goes. The point is I don't know where it's going to go and I don't need to find out to prove myself a man over something as silly as name calling. To me, that is not what a grown man with responsibilities far beyond the club does. Now, when I was a boy in college with other boys we would mob on dudes on GP because we were boys. When I grew up, I gave up childish pursuits. If you feel differently, you feel differently.

        12. Because I've seen it happen. A young woman I know got into a fight with another girl, and won. Later that evening the loser came around and shot her 8 times. I remember when boys were getting shot for Jordans and puffy coats to the point that they discouraged parents from buying them. Because we know we don't live in a sensible world.

        13. I don't have enough fingers to count how many friends i've lost or who have been shot over the years. But just because my homegirl got shot in the ass because some dude wanted her number, does that mean women should just give men their numbers to avoid getting shot? Nope. Look people get shot over Jordans, Starter jackets, etc. And fights start over words. But i'm not living in fear that i'm going to get shot because I have a word with a disrespectful punk. I don't feel like someone can say to me, "You can lose your life." I could lose my life over a lot of things, at least, it wouldn't be in vain. But it ain't even gonna get to that level, it's not.
          My recent post My First Blog (The Final post on The Book of Jackson)

      2. Wait…..so if I defend a woman's honor….and die….I'm a hero? I think majority of society would call me an idiot. And i agree with that title exactly. I won't allow a woman I'm with to be disrespected, but at the same time, I won't be putting my life on the line.

        1. Well no that wouldnt make u an idiot that would make u noble. But then again maybe that’s not what you are. You contradicted yourself you stated

          “I won’t allow a woman I’m with to be disrespected, but at the same time, I won’t be putting my life on the line.”

          But what if it gets to that then what.

      1. Agreed! We ain’t talking about your wife or a serious relationship. We talking about a first date. There isn’t nothing heroic about losing your life over some words. When you are gone do y’all think she is going to mourn you? You, new guy who she doesn’t know. Think she is bringing flowers to your grave? Placing pictures up of you in her home? Naming her first born son after you? NEGATIVE! You will be forgotten. Life lost in vain for a woman who no longer remembers your name.
        But before all that…..what kind of woman are you dealing with that would even allow you to get into that situation?

        1. It's not about being remembered. It's about not living in fear of what someone else will do to you if you stand up for yourself or what you believe in. It's about principle. You can't pick and choose when to stand on principle. That defeats the purpose of being principled.

        2. I've been disagreeing with most you have said in regards to this, due to I don't see going to talk to them as serving any positive purpose….. their behavior isn't going to change because you lectured them. The likely response will always be that the situation turns violent by going over there!

          With that said, I definitely agree with this post though….. principle is principle & you can't choose when you're going to stand for it.

        3. My Mom too, LOL!

          That chick would fight quicker than me…my father and step-father too! Shoot, I'm the calm one! lol…

        4. I think there is an interesting dynamic going on here. Dude comes in to show off his prince charming costume. Talks about defending her honor. But there is not a whole lot of fighting for womens honor on this blog. There is a whole lot of disrespect of women on this site and no prince charmings coming in to fight for us. What does that tell you? Some of you are about defending your own honor and then crowning yourselves princes of nobility. Cause its not really about somebody disrespected a woman. You figure he disrespected you,, cause he didnt acknowledge your presence when he stepped to her. You were willing to fight for your own honor. Not her.

          At least the dudes who are saying they wouldn’t fight are being consistent. The rest of ya’ll..I see you. Next time you start to talk about heaux this or chick logic that, you gonna remember.

        5. Most, why are you entertaining her little jabs? Seriously, you know there is no Prince Charming costume or disrespect going on….she's just trying to push the conversation in her favorite direction and filing away goodies so that she can bring the subject up again later. Transparent, and sad.

    2. Idk why I’m surprised by your response Most but I am. Seems to me that you would consider the bigger picture here. I appreciate you wanting to defend my honor but to the death? Nah. Think about all the good times I’ll miss out on with you over what would have been an isolated incident. We would’ve forgotten about that fool the next day but losing you over a situation like this would hurt me for life. I wouldn’t feel the need for you to do it but if you feel like you just gotta say something cool but anything above that is irresponsible. I’ve got a life planned with you dammit. You think I ain’t been called a [email protected] before? I’ll be alright.

      1. I understand that totally. The point I'm making though is that everything I'm not makes me everything I am and you can't have some of me without the rest.

        So all the future good times you're talking about, you'd look forward to those good times because we'd be in love. We'd be in love because of who I am, part of who I am is a dude who doesn't let this sort of ish slide.

        If one could somehow extract this small part of who I am, the ripples would be felt throughout the rest of my character. I don't know if this is making sense. I guess I'm saying, you would love me because of who I am, this is a part of who I am, if you take this away, you'd have to take other things away too because it's all intertwined in my DNA. And if you took some of those other things away, you might not love the person that was left.

        So just don't tell me till we're out of the club.
        My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

        1. Humph – I see where you're coming from. But there are others who need you…especially once you start springing TeamSpadley on the world. In that moment of "honorable confrontation", you put some no-name negro ahead of your woman and the life you want to lead with her. Nothing kicks up the bad side of pride like an audience.

          But really – I wouldn't tell my husband about it ever. That bamma has been to war 4 times, and although he is by far the most level headed person I know I'm not gonna nudge him towards that edge at all.

        2. That's why it works Tef. If you know your husband would do something to resolve even the slightest slight or disrespect aimed your way, then you also know he'll do what he needs to do should the more serious, life or death situation come along.

          You (and Mrs.Most) are both wise enough to know when it's the former and when it's the latter and how we should handle it. My thing is… if you tell me about it then that means it affected you and if it affected you, I gotta do something about it. Doesn't necessarily mean fighting and shutting the club down, but if you address it to me, I have to address it to them.

        3. *sigh* Most – even when I disagree with you I still end up agreeing with you. Perhaps we have let the fear get to us. But I, like many folks, have seen how a small, minor, insignificant moment can end someone's life. In a better time one man could check another man for bad behavior and the worst case scenario would be a fist fight. Once you've had someone you know die because they WON a fight, or a smudge on some new sneakers or a nice Triple Fat Goose (showing my age on that one)….the stakes are different. The "worst case scenario" is the WORST thing that could happen to you. Cowards don't fight.

        4. part deux

          Follow my logic here: In the post, the rude boy was a true coward, he most likely waited for the man to leave so that he could slide up to the woman and say something greasy. He immediately moved in and knew he wouldn't have a lot of time with the woman. It wasn't just her looks that drew him over, it was the fact that he saw her with someone. He's jealous and a shyt starter. That's not the type of man who would take well to being challenged. He probably can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag. But…he also doesn't want to be "clowned". Where do you think his mind will go if he feels disrespected himself? This is why I wouldn't mention it, in the end both sides are hellbent on protecting the other.

        5. Most I respect why you feel how you feel but I honestly feel like you saying something is more to make you feel better as opposed to "making a difference".
          Reality is 9 times out of 10 if a guy is wit his boys and been drinking and calling women bit*** because they didn't give him no play you could give him a full out MLK speech about it being right and wrong and the bottom line is that dude is not in the right frame of mind to receive it and could give two shitz about what your saying. It's kinda like if your wife is trying to talk to you about household chores while your watching the superbowl or NBA finals or whatever sports shows you like…it goes in one ear and out the other.
          What means a lot to you doesn't mean sh** to that dude especially when his boyz are around and that he's ego trippin harder than Kanye on his best day.
          So the fact that it won't make a difference and won't necessarily stop him from calling your wife a bit** again or calling another woman the same or much worse. This is what makes it a total waste of your breath. In the end all you are is someone who manned up and poked your chest out and retaliated and responded back to bad behavior. Which is sometimes the wrong thing to do. Sometimes when people do childish ish like this it's no different than a child acting up. Studies show that when children act up sometimes it's simply for attention and the best thing to do is ignore them. If you respond your doing exactly what they want you to do. Giving them attention.

        6. Most.

          It's making sense- this comment and your original comment. I see the points of folks that disagree, and I hear 'em- that works for them and women/men they deal with- but this still makes sense. My man will have something to say in my defense if another man disrespects me… if he doesn't? We wont make it. Fin.

          My recent post Small City Crush Games

        7. I agree with you, if more of us stood up for things the world itself would be better. Its kind of like the idea that "it takes a village to raise a child" we no longer have that village, everyone is out for just self, even if it means ignoring things that go against your beliefs. I applaud your character, and like many have said as a woman I wouldn't have told you until I knew I could prevent your actions.

        8. @Most ….the strongest most fearless men are those who know how to pick thier battles and displays good judgement. Fighting in a club with a drunk fool is nither attractive or validates your manhood. In fact it does the opposit. Of course there are some drama style females who would agree with your actions..In that case you may want to upgrade…js

        9. Who said anything about fighting. You address the situation because the situation should be addressed. If a fight results then so be it. But you don't avoid addressing the situation because it MIGHT lead to a fight which MIGHT lead to someone getting shot. That's too much fear of what might happen.

          It's not about manhood validation. It's about principle. I keep saying that but no one hears me. Principles are bigger than individual situations but the dictate what happens in individual situations.
          My recent post The Millennial Manifesto: How 80′s Babies Can Save the World

        10. Right Streetz??? Interesting dynamics in the comment section. While women like me are busy saying we probably won't say anything to our dates because we know they'll pull a Slim or Most and we don't want to put them in harm's way, the guys' (not all of course!) first instinct is, "oh hell nah, I aint about to die for this bish. This is only our second date. She's not my wife or family. So what she got called a silly bish? She'll live! Now if that douchebag had said something about my Giants….." LOL. Funny but also very sad.

        11. I got you. Still, I guess if I were with you I would just know better than to mention it but if you saw my face I can imagine you pushing me to tell you what was wrong. No?
          Even without this actually happening, I guess you've accomplished what you need to though. If your wife already KNOWS what you'll do in this instance, I guess that's more important. She knows you and how you feel about her and what you'll do to defend her. And her just knowing is enough and will get you a bonus. Now I hope that made sense.

        12. Wild Cougar you nailed it. It’s not about honoring the woman it’s about that male ego. The disrespect that he felt directed towards him would be his motivating factor. The strongest of men know how to discern between a situation which needs addressing and one which is moot. All the confortation would achieve is to minimize time spent with your lady. The men who were out of order witnessing you and your lady engaging in enjoyment is enough “get back”.

      2. You'll be alright but no one should be calling you names in the first place. And I dont think people should kill and fight for no reason but wouldn't you die for your child or children if it came to that. Life is short but alot of people are not noble and living without genuine responsibility to other human beings who are suppose to mean more to us. Bottomline I would risk my life for someone I love Cause we'll all die anyway and It wouldnt hurt to die a hero.

        1. Nobody should be calling me names but I know I'm not a B even if that goon doesn't. He's nobody and his opinion really doesn't matter. Yes I'd die for my children, that's a whole other story though. I almost fought a kid once. I would risk my life for someone I love but there has to be imminent danger, not just honor. Honor and respect are earned/proven by the way you carry yourself not by violence. When I was in JUNIOR HIGH, somebody told me I look like a donkey. I slapped the [email protected] out of him. That's how you deal with stuff when you don't know a better way.

    3. "On the way home, she told me about it. When I asked why she didn't tell me in the party she said "because I know you would have hit him." "

      This is exactly what I would've done or just handled it myself because in the end "Women should know their Man". If you know your man is a Don't take no Shyte Type Ninja then certain things need not cross his path, actually the same goes even if he is a "Slack Ninja" too. *lol*

    4. Wow so I can't even finish reading the comments on this joint today! I am over here so hyped at work!!. I don't know what known of yall takling about but Slim, Most, and J these is the type of dudes i go for. i am co-signing every last thing Most said. I come from a similar place so I get it.
      Bullsh*t needs to be addressed period. I feel the women who say they would of waited till in the car or smtg. Me I can't even lie sh*t is always written on my face. So he would of known even if he didn't see dude walk away and it would of been one from there.
      My exx and i were in a similar situation but he was there when dude disrespected the sh*t out of me and him. It wasn't no hesitation in my boo, no thought about what to do it was going down. Period. Now they didn't end up fighting but dude definitely will think again before acting an @ss.
      Yall can use all that I don't want to die mess all day long I aint buying it. There are codes of conduct out here. And if you wasn't taught that then you about to learn.

      1. Not really. Grown men who do things like that aren't going to change because of an altercation on any level. There won't be any lessons learned. You weren't the first person he did it to that night and you aren't going to be the last. No after school special endings here. Unless he decides to change his behavior for himself, the only other things that's going to stop him are death or becoming paralyzed.

        1. I can tell you for a fact that bullies, grown ones too, scope out potential victims. There is some thought before they attack. They don't come off at everybody like that.

          This general statement is not always accurate. Most dudes that act out are punks, not thugs. They bother people they don't expect to call their bluff. Call it, and punks will think twice…or at the very least remember not to cross you and yours again. Speaking from experience…

          Know the difference between a punk/fake thug and a thug…that will save your life, lol. For instance, most real thugs have nothing to prove so they don't go around starting stuff.

        2. Yeah but he will think twice for he come this way again. What's so funny I posed this same scenario on my fb and it is blowing up. LOL Good topic

    5. I co-sign 100%. We can't sacrifice self-respect, and basic masculinity because of those who have none. If this question would've been posed in the 70s, there would've been only one right answer : "I'd ask the dude to step outside, and we'd handle it…."

      1. In the 70s, fighting was how you proved who was right….. there was no hostility felt afterwards & so the consequences were minimal. Ninjas also did not act as the ninjas they are today, there was a different mentality.

        It isn’t so much that the stance of wanting to take a person outside & teach them the err of their ways has changed, more that there is nothing to be gained from that stance now & so much more to be lost.

  23. I'm reading this as (good) fiction – am I right? Antywho…imagine grown folks getting into this much mess. That's some ish that should have been over before it got started. The dude hit on her. She declined. He was rude. IT HAPPENS. It shouldn't – but the type of boy who calls names after being rebuffed is generally a loser in many respects. His life is punishment enough for the offense.

    As for me – no, don't step into shyt unless you see me takin' a Snooky-sized "L". You wanna flex your man muscles, there's better ways to do it. Getting kicked out of the club is the least of my worries in this situation, cowards like to shoot folks in parking lots over silly mess and I need you around to pay these bills. If you think I'm that stressed send me to the spa.

    1. “I need you around to pay these bills.”

      Right! I feel like there are more important things in life than you trying to prove something to some fool. *This is why we don’t go anywhere.*

    2. "If you think I'm that stressed send me to the spa. "> over having to bail your butt out of jail.

      I dont like disrespect, I want my man to protect my honor but I will choose the battles he needs to fight for me 9/10.

      Plus like you said thats an everyday type of incident. Plenty of times I've been on the street someone tries to holla, I respectfully decline , then I im a Bit#h,sl#t , tramp. I just keep it moving as long as he dont put his hands on me or keeps following me, or gets in my face I dont have a reason to call nobody or pull out my pepper spray.

      1. I thank God for grace and mercy. I have never EVER been disrespected after kindly turning a man down…which is the only way I turn a man down. They say God won't put more on you than you can handle…so clearly, my assessment of myself is right…I'm not the female for that situation, lol…at all.

        1. Same here, except I probably wouldn't have gotten violent or exchanged harsh words with them even if they had. I'm not particularly tolerant of disrespect in general, but I don't like to engage idiots.

        2. See…and in this case, the idiot would provoke me to wrath, lol.

          It really is a case by case thing. I don't feel the need to go off based on every foolish or stupid comment directed at me. But, sometimes, on the right day, with the right tone, with the right mug, and the right subject matter, that foolish, stupid comment will NOT be ignored…

          I'm confrontational. Anybody rolling with me needs to accept that and act accordingly…or don't roll. *shrugs*

  24. Everyone has a point as a dude you feel the right to approach the problem and want to solve it. Doesn’t always end so pretty. 2 verses 1 with bottles tightened in hands doesn’t seem like avoidance can happen if you lose your cool. My friend recently had an experience when he was on the bus and some girl felt as if some dude was staring at her too hard and told her boyfriend in front of her and he approachedbthe dude and got his face sliced because he approaching a situation that wasn’t physical it all depends on the female as much as the male

  25. No Slim you too dang pretty for fighting!

    Seriously, I wouldn’t feel it necessary but I’d be alright if he went over to say something. I’d appreciate it really but no thank you on the fighting and I don’t expect you to make somebody apologize either. Just speak your piece if you feel it’s necessary and move on. I’d respect that but you getting into a fight would ruin my night and that would just make me mad.

      1. Well dang it he is too dang fine to be in a fight! I'm sure he can handle his but even the best fighters get a hit in on em sometimes and I don't wanna see any scratches on that dome. I'm just saying.

        1. You see how men are? Try to pay a compliment, they GET TOGETHER to dispute the terms cuz it didn't feel "manly" enough! Balls Logic. That's what I'm gonna call this, it covers pretty much everything that makes perfect sense ONLY if you have balls. Confrontation at the club? Balls Logic.

        2. Giiiirl you said it! He do got a pink shirt on in that avi though. Ain't that an AKA color? I'M PLAYING! Anyway, balls logic. I like that Tef. Even Muhammed Ali called himself pretty that one time.

        3. "He do got a pink shirt on in that avi though. Ain't that an AKA color?"

          Laughing Out Loud! Slim's next post: When a Woman Disrespects a Man.

        4. LMAO Hugh! LMAO! I like how you pulled that full circle.

          No disrespect! The last thing I want to do is make Slim shady. You're killing me Hugh!

  26. I would appreciate…and really almost expect…a man that i was with to walk over and have a talk with the offender, but I wouldn't want it to end in a fight. If I knew I was with someone who wouldn't stand for that and might throw fists, I wouldn't mention a stranger calling me a b!tch until we left. I could see how this ended in a fight though, not only did dude disrespect Slim's date – he went on to disrespect Slim when he really just should have apologized and kept it movin. In that situation…I could see how a lot of my male friends would do the same, but I would feel a lot better about a man (that I'm dating) who just cuts his losses after the conversation has been had and takes me somewhere else.

  27. Sprads made some points upthread that echoed something I said to a friend of mine this morning.

    My dad was old school. He also had a temper that he knew he had to check. He taught me about patience, but he also taught me to never let someone disrespect someone that I care about. Back in his day, disrespect of someone's woman just wasn't allowed. If you did it, you might as well go outside and shoot the fair one. My grandfather was the same. I think that's just how things were back then,

    But today, life is clearly different. Any confrontation brings worry of whether you'll lose your life. And I think it has us scared to act in situations that are blatantly unacceptable. This is why we don't speak up to kids when they're not acting right, and why people walk around thinking they can say and do what they want.

    I'm not saying how the scenario ended above is ideal, but when I think about what my dad taught me about life and the way that we are today, it's like we're living on a completely different planet.

    Thanks to the folks that chimed in so far and I'm looking forward to keeping up with the rest of the discussion today.

    (this might become a post in itself)
    My recent post Are You Robbing Yourself?

    1. I feel what you're saying completely. I was raised in a traditional old fashion home. And I was always an aggressive person when it comes to someone disrespecting or hurting in any way a female I knew. And while females were attracted to that back then, I got smarter. There is a difference between being afraid that some punk kid is going to pull out a glock and start shooting……and being smart enough to see that situations don't always need to be "handled".

      P.S. If one of these youth don't "act right" around me….I don't comment. Not because I think they will harm me….but because its not worth messing up my day or hour. I like stress and drama free.

      1. I hear you, but not checking a youth who acts up in public because you don't want to be stressed is exactly how we end up with grown men who have no problem calling your woman "bitch" in the club.

        1. No….we end up with men like that because fathers aren't raising their kids. It's not my job to check every youth that I meet in public. If more fathers were in their child's life and more mothers were also teaching the right lessons, there would be less of that happening. I wasn't raised by a random people in public. I was raised by my parents….and I would never call a female out of her name.

        2. So by your logic dying to protect a female's honor (even if you barely know her) is ok and I should be trying to teach ever kid that comes across my path that's doing something I don't approve of? Who has that much time in the world? Sorry, I'm not about saving every child in the world. And it's not my job to. Like you said….I "can do something", doesn't mean I'm obligated to nor should. What if I raise my kids to do something that you don't like? Who are you to step in on what my kids do? We come from different walks of life, we aren't going to agree on all the same things.

    2. A kid acting out of hand is different. This is a grown man we're dealing with here and if he wasn't raised right we can't just step in and think we can make a change. This isn't that show "What Would You Do?" with John Quinones. It isn't that type of situation at all.

      My play cousin came to my aid in JUNIOR HIGH once because a dude was talking stupid to me. I was stoked he stood up for me but I didn't think it was fair when he got in trouble because it wasn't even his own problem. It was mine. That's the only thing I have that's remotely equal to this. I'd rather just move on from the situation then make a spectacle out of it.

  28. I didn’t read every single comment but I think there is one thing most people are forgetting. We are in 2011 not the 80s. Fair fights went the way of extinction like the dinosaurs and dodo bird. So had dude knuckled up he would have had to fight the disrespector AND all his friends. I don’t know about y’all but my Bruce Lee skills are hella lacking.

    In my presence, yes id have addressed dude but in the situation as depicted, like the lady said, let it go. Foolish actions often lead to sever consequences.

  29. Fellas, how would you have handled this situation?

    Myself, i'm not one for scene causing, so i probably would've just looked at them both (or pointed if i felt i could take them, nothing chivalrous bout getting your ass kicked in front of a female) shook my head and mocked/laughed at them. Ultimately my focus would be to make her feel better about the situation, continue our good night. If they suddenly feel some type of way and approach me, the roles are reversed, they feel disrespected and i'm enjoying my night.

    What do you think a man’s role should be in situations like this?

    I think Slim let his own ego get the best of him in that situation and completely forgot about the important one in the scenario, the woman. (Even though part of me feels she actually did want him to say something, otherwise she could've waited til the ride home) Some women don't play that and would've pressed the dude and in that situation, i'm gonna have to press the dude. "ninja here now" *jay from 40 year old virgin voice*. Others don't like confrontations so even if i take it to that ghetto university and win the fight, she's still going to be upset with me now. So to answer the question the man's role is to accommodate her and frequently hit the gym just in case such a situation arise.

  30. Your lady wasn't mature.. She should've just told you she was thinking of something but would like to talk about it later.. Any self respecting man would want to "do something".. Most women know the man they are with.. She should have made it seem like nothing.. and told you later so that you know it rattled her a bit but the guy wasn't serious enough to make an issue about it..

    If I were you.. and I wanted to teach the punk a lesson and still seem fly in my ladies eyes.. I would have said calmly "Oh, really?" after my lady told me what went down.. told her how much I admire her dignity and composure under duress.. and remarked about how foul the guy is. I would have excused myself.. asked the guy what went down.. Then silently reported he and his friends to the owner for sexual harrassment implying that perhaps the cops needed to be called..

    Let the cops be your whipping boys.. Handle yo bi'ness like a real G let your servants fight on behalf of you and your queen..

    1. "I would have excused myself.. asked the guy what went down.. {Then silently reported he and his friends to the owner for sexual harrassment implying that perhaps the cops needed to be called.."}

      All of that??!!! Really tho?? That would have been a bit much IMO.

    2. I don't agree with the woman's maturity being called into question, though. The way I read it, she was reluctant to mention it, but it had visibly upset her and he prompted her to disclose what the issue was. People react to situations in different ways.

        1. I don't know how I missed this…but this was not the first date…

          "We were having the best night we’d had together since we started dating."

          AND…he told her previously that he had a temper…

          "She knew I had a temper. She never saw it come to life, but I’d spoken about it."

          If that doesn't show how she should've had some foresight…then we def need to agree to disagree…

        2. Yeah, I'm def on the other side of the argument on this one. I read all the comments earlier and I see lots of valid points, but if this happened to me, I wouldn't have thought, "hmm, if I tell NewBooBear this guy hit on me and was a prick when I shot him down, he'll go throw down for me and defend my honor". I'd assume that he'd be annoyed and would comfort me, but fight? Nope, my head wouldn't have gone there. I've never fought, it's not something that I expect when I go out. It may be a sad state of affairs but men (and women I'm sure) talk out the sides of their mouths all the time. I'm not losing sleep over that fool callin me a b* and my baby shouldn't lose blood over it. Just him being there, his presence would be reassuring to me. That's enough.

          That being said. Reading the post, Slim's actions were very attractive to me. *shrug* But it was a story to me, not real life. In real life, I don't wanna have to hide things from my man in order not to set off his temper or worry we're going to get in a tussle every time I get hit on.

          And I feel a lot of what Most was saying, I just feel it's a bit idealistic. Sure we should all speak up when we see injustice, but do we? I know I don't. You can't beat respect into folks, only fear – until they get backup or an equalizer (weapon)…
          http://bit.ly/voXwiw =fighting for respect

          Regardless, I don't think Shonna's maturity is in question. Could she have handled it differently? Sure. Did she do anything wrong? IMO, I don't think so.

        3. Where would your mind naturally go if the man told you that he had a temper? Maybe I'm wrong for assuming everyone views a "temper" the same way. To me, a "temper" means "I will go off quicker than most". *shrugs*

          I'm with you if the dude never mentioned a temper…and your the "I always let stuff roll off" type. You don't fight…don't like fights. Understandable. Really it is. But, if yo told you he was a hot head, then you need to treat him like he's a hot head by saving him from himself (not disclosing the injustice right away) or pass on dating him altogether.

          I hate that my comments today make me sound angry, easily provoked, and unhinged, LMBO. I'm really cool as a fan 99% of the time, lol. I promise, lol…

        4. "In real life, I don't wanna have to hide things from my man in order not to set off his temper"

          That's something I've been meaning to say; thank you for putting it out there. I feel as though I should have a right to be upset about something and tell my significant other about it, whether or not he's a hothead. I respect what Slim did out of principle, but I promise you that I would have been more upset (worriedly so, not angrily…although probably somewhat frustrated that he didn't let it go at my urging) by the potential situation that could unravel. I don't walk around in fear, nor am I easily intimidated, but I know that we are surrounded by fools who do not have much too lose. I can already tell the one who disrespected "me" falls under that category, and truth be told, I don't want to give the idiot another chance to disrespect not only me this time, but my S.O. as well. That's what tends to happen, especially when the numbers are in their favour.

          To be frank, I don't take kindly to the "B" word and even my female friends refrain from using it as a term of endearment where I'm concerned. But if someone does call me out of my name, I will look at him or her as the pitiful being that he/she is, and carry on with my life. If I do happen to be annoyed, I still wouldn't get in their face. I belong to the "silence is the best answer to a fool" train of thought. Only if the situation is escalated will my response and demeanour change.

        5. @Cyn I just saw this, and you’re right, I probably just wouldn’t date him. While I find going to bat for me attractive, I wouldn’t want you to haul off hitting folks for just anything. If he touched me, then you can hit him! 🙂

          I mean, throwing hands has it’s place, but I find it’s more for defending safety, not feelings. Fight words with words and blows with blows. In the end, Slim threw the first punch, he’d be the one getting in the back of the cruiser…who won?

  31. This reminds me of when I was in Egypt with my (then) boyfriend and his friend. Ignorant of the culture, I sat in the front seat of the taxi, in a sundress, while the two men sat in the back. Here I am snapping pictures when the taxi driver's hand starts inching up my leg and under my dress. Of course I have a huge fit, I start hitting him and screaming. He pulls over yelling in Arabic. What made me really angry is that the two dudes in the back thought it hilarious to be assaulted in a taxi cab, and waved it off. That situation pissed me off, set me on guard for the rest of the trip, and had me questioning my relationship for the two weeks I was there.

    I say all that to point out when a man should intervene in hindsight of Slim's situation. Being called a silly-b in 2011 could actually be seen as a term of endearment, especially with the perfunctory use by society. And though the bravado is appreciated, I value more the idea that if I need you, you're there. There's no need to test it out on a minor disagreement.

    I would have taken my grandmother's approach to the situation, when he approached. "Why thank you for your interest, sir, but I'm fortunately with someone else and I'm quite taken with him. It was very kind of you to approach me, I wish you much success in finding someone special." if he still called me a B, I would again respond "Now darling, there's no need to be disrespectful. I hope you don't kiss your mother with that mouth. Now run along and have a good evening". Then I would joke about it later.

    In every situation, I want to maintain my dignity and status as a lady. Just because he said something rude and uncalled for, doesn't mean that I should respond in kind.
    My recent post Diggin’ on you

    1. yo the way you turn men down is so damn classy! You need to teach these women in new york a thing or two. My lord.
      I mean hurt men do hurtful things.. but no matter what, if you act like that to strangers you can raise my children.

      1. Ah man, that comment had me blushing!!
        It's really hard to approach a stranger, in public, to express your interest. Whether you do it in the right way or the wrong way I doubt you were all gung-ho/fearless as you walked over. So why not respond in a way that flatters his effort without destroying his pride?
        I think about it this way, even if I won't be with him that night, someone else will. And I want the man to feel just as confident and secure when he approached me for when he approaches the next one.
        And if he doesn't approach you in the right way, its ok to let him know politely that you were offended, because ignorance begets ignorance.
        Thanks CHeeKZ 🙂
        My recent post Dreamgirl

  32. I've probably been called bitch more times by a woman, than by a man in my life. And at the age of 38, that probably won't be the last time I get called one, either to my face but more than likely behind my back. I am someone's wife and since I'm pretty nice with my words so I would have handled dude myself, told my husband it was time to go and informed him of what went down in the car or when we got home.

    I'm looking at the bigger picture here. We are trying to have a baby, so I need my husband to be coming home to me every night. Some silly drunk ass ninja in the club just is NOT worth it.

    1. Exactly – the momentary thrill of having my man "defend my honor" is nothing compared to having him home and healthy. You're busy making babies, I'm busy with the ones I already have. In either case hubby's presence is necessary, lol.

  33. You tried to take the high road by suggesting he apologizes to alleviate any issues but instead you got this response in return. [“Yo, f*ck you and your bitch, nigga! You can’t make me do shit.”] *Blink Blink*

    Ummm.. I'm sorry but them fighting words, but me personally I wouldn't have even mentioned it to you I would have just taken care of it myself because I know how men tend to get a little salty when shut down so by him calling me a Beeyotch, I would've just smiled condescendingly while verbally hurting his feelings. But that's just me. *Shrug*

  34. I don't get into confrontations unless I'm provoked and I choose my battles wisely. One, if old girl wasn't physically assaulted, even with some pride hurt or whatever, she'll be aight. Verbal stuff rolls off pretty easy. Second, if I'm outnumbered, I'm not going to put myself at a disadvantage. I ain't sh*t without my homeboys in those situations or unless I had a sniper over my shoulder.

    Walking away from something never made me a punk, it made me alive and smarter. Had to learn that a few times. Plus, I'm in my mid 30s…fighting isn't something to engage in unless I'm given a good reason. Plus I'm one of those dudes that doesn't have to slug it out…I outsource violence if need be and that hasn't been too often. I have some friends that would perform serious mayhem in my behalf, but they stay on a leash until the threat is imminent and the situation has been thoroughly assessed.

    My father taught me one valuable lesson and this is: Everything doesn't warrant a response. I don't fight for a woman unless she's got my DNA or last name either.

    1. Just saying…. the fact that you would turn the other cheek before coming to a lady's defense in this case doesn't make you any smarter, especially since you would rather consult someone else to "handle" it for you– it does in fact make you a punk / coward, however, because obviously your stance has nothing to do with principle and everything to do with self-interest… like many of the other people who condone walking away, I'm sure. Y'all know you wouldn't have hesitated if you were Peter Parker! Let's stop pretending this is an issue of, "Was this woman worth defending?" and call it what it really is: "Are you afraid of getting your ass kicked in public?"

      Obviously Slim was not. Maybe he put himself in harm's way, but he felt like Shonna was worth the risk ,and he did an honorable thing in coming to her defense. Even if it wasn't the right thing to do, his intentions were good. I can admire/ respect him for it . As his woman, I probably would have even been turned on by such a demonstrative effort to show his loyalty / ability to protect me. I would have posted his bail money for that.

      As for Shonna: If they had only recently just started dating, she didn't know for sure how he was going to react. Like someone said before me, people talk out the side of their neck all the time. Coming from someone I had just started seeing, I probably would have taken it as hot air. After seeing it actually surface, it probably would have done something for his credibility.

      Being the gemini that I am, however, I can see both sides of the argument….

      I know for fact that I would have felt TERRIBLY responsible had he been injured or lost his life, and the last thing I would want is to be the cause of such an embarrassing scene.

      And I can see where it may have been wrong to even mention the situation to him. A lot of times when a woman goes to her man with a problem, she's only looking for him to empathize / comfort / reassure her / make her feel better while his tendency is to want to fix the problem. The fact that he called her a "bitch" is negligible to me considering the context in which he used it. Anyone who would resort to name-calling because a girl rejects his advances is in no position to call anyone else silly. She could have easily checked him with this simple truth and went on to enjoy the rest of her night with the handsome, wise, articulate man that Slim is at her side. That would have hurt his ego way more than any blow to the face.

      As far as we can tell, that just wasn't her personality though. As for me, I can't really say what would have happened if it were me.

      1. So you must have missed the part where Slim said that Shonna knew about his temper! When someone mentions a temper, that alludes to a tendency to get violent under the right circumstances….. which means you won't tend to see it besides a little shouting until some azz gets involved.

        I'm a strong believer that when the people you hang around tell/show you who they are, believe them!

        1. Ummm, maybe you are missing the part where I'm telling you that I like to be the judge of what is what. Women say all the time, "I'm a bad bitch." How often would you agree with that statement? Herman Cain says he's been paying a woman's bills for the past 13 years and never hit. Do you believe that shit too?

          "She had never seen it come to life," tells me all I need to know. Most things in life are subjective, and when I'm getting to know a person — ESPECIALLY someone I have a romantic interest in — I like to take my time in getting to know them before I can trust everything they say.

  35. see here's the thing, the dude who called her a b*tch doesn't know the relationship between you and the woman. the fact he told you to go back to your lady lets me know he assumed y'all were together. at that point not only is he disrespecting her, he's disrespecting you. i don't take kindly to disrespect. not saying that i'm going to fight everyone who i feel disrespects me. i will definitely pick and choose my battles but that situation would be a leave it. i don't take too kindly to being jumped either and i've seen it happen one too many times.
    My recent post The Re-Construction of Black America

  36. Hold up, hold up, hold up…

    Oh, so all the ladies gonna let me be the resident hot head, huh?! I'll be that then…

    Naw, I don't wanna die. But, please believe that if a man steps to me in person with disrespect, he will in turn be disrespected by me…forget what my man will do. He needs to be worried about what I'm gonna do. And because I know my 'tude and my "I ain't scared to fight no guy" demeanor (last real fight I was in was with a disrespectful boy…I was in the 7th grade and I went off of that 8th grade fake thug, sure did…), I don't go places where I have to deal with tha type of foolishness…or I bounce with the quickness if I see the possibility of me having to flip all the way out. I save myself and others by staying in mature, calm environments with folks who act like they have some sense.

    1. Slim, I all the way feel you. But, the chick you were with should be called to the bench for questioning. She should've defended herself by informing him that the only B**** within that 6 feet radius was him for not being man enough to deal with rejection. Then she woulda sashayed her behind to security to inform them of the rude punks whose mouth would eventually make some real trouble that night…and demand some action. Its security's job to maintain order…and reckless punks going around being disrespectful are completely out of order. Where I'm from, whether its you or someone else, that's a fight waiting to happen. So, security should know what's up.

      1. And, with the bf I have now, I'd need to def save the details till we got to a safe location. He's def on some Most stuff when it comes to people that matter…wife or no wife, parent or not…especially when it comes to women. And since I woulda been satisfied with how I handled it, I woulda been fine to save the details till later…or else we both woulda been fighting in the club. I'm def a "I'll take the other one" type female. So, saving the details for later really woulda saved us both…


        SN: I was a bit fired up typing this so excuse the typos, lol…

      2. I was wondering when people would start talking about the actions of the chick. I know a few folks have shared similar sentiments upthread about what the woman should do. That's why I mentioned in the story that she knew I had a temper. Yet the majority of folks talking about dying. Morbidly funny, but great perspective on a real world situation.
        My recent post Are You Robbing Yourself?

        1. I started to go that route but I was too tired to get cursed all the way out. All I'm going to say is most women know their man well enough to know what they should and should not tell him and when and when not to tell him. To me, the fact that she told you likely meant she wanted you to react in some type of manner at the moment she told you. Whether that manner is how the story went is another matter but women who try to engineer reactions from men, usually dont plan that far ahead to fully address the possible consequences – in my experience.

        2. Yeah, Slim, or his sister, mother, or closest homegirl, shoulda checked her next, lol…

          That chick was clearly not thinking forward…

        3. Yeah, people watch a lot of TV, Slim, lol. Fights don't always end in gun violence…like car rides don't always end in car wrecks.

          Checking people is a lost art. Whether people want to admit it or not, leaving people unchecked def helps to promote unruly behavior.

          The easy way out is not always the best route. Gotta take it case by case…

        4. You have a point CO but Imma blame this on my momma (don't read this dr j). You talk to her and you will think you can't step out of your front door for fear of getting raped or something so…that's where that mentality comes from. It's weird because she's the same person who sent a message to a girl that wanted to fight me to "come handle her bitness." Anyway, when I was younger I may have expected some type of action from the man, I really don't know. Right now though, I don't get out enough to allow my night to be ruined by some fool. Plus I just ain't got the energy to waste on all of this. If me turning down a dude makes me a b in his book, well I'll be that and get back to the good time I was already having before the interruption.

        5. It boils down to comfort and personality, lol.

          If the victim is really ok, then her face and demeanor wouldn't need to be questioned by the returning boyfriend…there would be nothing to report. You're fine. Which is fine, lol. Its all good.

          I, on the other hand, would not be fine. My face, my posture, my everything would be screaming "I'm not okay", lol. Whether its a tipsy stranger or my boss, I'm gonna defend myself however I deem it necessary to do so.

          I'm not wrong for defending myself. And others aren't wrong for walking away. HOWEVER, some won't want to worry about me being confrontational and pass on me…and that's ok. And, I, myself, won't date a man that I won't need to hide details from and usher out of any place so that he won't check a man who disrespected me…and that's ok too.

    2. LOL at your entire comment.

      Cyn you crazy..

      I seyyyddd….. I would smile condescendingly while verbally hurting his feelings, shoooo I ain't trying to fight no man. I leave that to the professionals.

      1. I know my temper is not right, lol…

        But, since I know it, I act accordingly…by not putting myself in situations where stuff like this can happen…and dating people who know my temper, their own, and how to best handle stuff based on what we know. I'm a classy lady…before and after the fight, lol. During, not so much. I'll throw fists, chairs and some 'mo stuff. Since I know this, my preventive strategies are always in working order. Its in my DNA. There are stories about me and my relatives. We don't play.


  37. LOL @ these lame ass "men" in here. "If she ain';t my wife or blah blah blah I ain't stickin' up for her". Then what the hell are you dating her for? Oh yeah that's right, most of you 21st century "men" only want women for sucking your dicks. Most you don't know how to be men or treat women these days anyway. It is all about you and your penises. A man's job is to protect a woman PERIOD, and if you're making dumbass, "I'm scared/she ain't my wife" ass excuses it just proves how selfish, new school and lame you all are. And go on and lower my comment. I really don't give a crap what you think.

  38. I admire what you did by addressing these "men" but in all honesty people are getting killed by being just innocent bystanders and breaking-up fights (especially in the club). So, no I wouldn't want my man addressing that guy because I value his life. Name calling I can handle but when men get physical with you in the club b/c you turned them down that's when I may need a little help.

  39. Michelle, you are talking to the almighty Adonis…____I have told stranger pregnant women that I was to do them raw because they already seeded up… I doubt I would not think twice about "disrespecting" you if you fine…____My point still stands… Have at it

      1. No way, I live to put people like you in a clownsuit… again, you would not come to the defense of ANYBODY, but yet expect a man to come to the defense of you, especially people like yourself who would put yourself in a spot for your hothead BF to get you out of…

        You need to be pumped & dumped then avoided…

        It has been fantastic… I look forward to handing you more chairs & clowsuits

        1. How did you hand me "chairs and clownsuits"? You just made up phrases now like "chairs and clownsuits" and then follow it up with "you should be pumped and then avoided" because you have nothing intelligent to say. Nothing you have said is relevant to the topic. All you've done is used disgusting and abusive language for your own amusement, and I'm going to report you and pursue the highest degree of punishment for your abuse.

        2. For someone who telling people to STFU & sit down… You are a jumpoff candidate… and I would not be surprised if that was the case in your past… Guys are getting smarter with your type… I make it my business to protect the mentally weak from the likes of you…

          You knew you said some out of pocket sh*t & righteously got called out for it… Now you need off your sinking ship & stand for sh*t that actually makes sense…

          And yes this is too much fun, you look like Ronald McDonald right now…

  40. That would have really turn me off to the guy I was with. I'm never one to make a scene and thats what the guy did. Anyone that knows me knows I can handle my own. The only time I would expect the man i'm with to intervene is if I'm being disrespected right in front of him.

  41. I'm confused about how guys thinking talking to every dude is 'defending her honor'. You would be fighting men all day if your barometer for defending her honor included men saying nasty things to women. Especially Black women. Why is it this situation out of all others where 'checking other men' become the do or die stance?

      1. WIM I don't want to misinterpret what you're saying, but if your comment means that white men would be less inclined to defend a woman's honor/ or that they will have less instance to pull out their armor, I must respectfully disagree. Are they less likely to resort to guns/knives/etc? Maybe, but less likely to come to blows, no. And I come prepared with examples!
        1) When I was in Russia, I man started lewdly gesturing and verbally accosting me at a crosswalk (he was in his car). One of the guys in the group overheard his comments ran back to me, started yelling at him in Russian. He got out of his car and the two men almost came to blows (over little ol'me mind you lol). After that the (white) men in the group were very mindful of me being the only black woman in the group and having to deal with lusty slave-master minded Russians. The difference here? I never had to ask them to step in. I never had to mention that I found this disrespectful. They were offended for me and took it upon themselves to come to my defense at every corner so that I didn't HAVE to fight. Didn't matter that I was more fluently and vocal (in both English and Russian) or that I wasn't romantically involved with any of them. They felt that my womanhood was being insulted and banded like my own little group of TMNinja Turtles
        2) I was playing softball (again I'm the only black woman on both teams). The pitcher didn't like one of my catches, which ended up winning the game (huge surprise to me). So as we shake hands at the end, he refuses to shake my hand and calls me a B. Taken aback, I still responded with a "Excuse me sir? That's uncalled for from a gentleman". In the middle of my sentence one of the other guys pushes me aside and said: "Hey bro, that's not right dude calling a lady out her name. you owe her an apology. " another comes to my defense to say: "yo bro, you can't talk to any woman on our team like that". An altercation ensued which again almost led to blows, but most definitely ended in an apology.
        In both instances, I was apt to let it slide because as Malik & Teflon Mom stated, black women are more accustomed to disrespect (*tsk slavery tsk*). But when it came to white men, I was more likely to have men defend my honor even when I was willing to let it go.
        My recent post Diggin’ on you

        1. Thank you for asking, because you are mistaken.

          I am referring to the blog story; no more, no less. The key difference in your examples and Slim’s story is the men were present as the infraction occurred. In Slim’s story the infraction occurred when he was not around. He returned. Found out about the issue and then went out of his way to address it, which is his choice/right. Same with Most who said he would do the same.

          If Im not there to witness the infraction AS IT OCCURS, then I am not going to go out of my way to address it. Especially a verbal infraction; physical is different and would not be taken as lightly. Last I checked, most of us here are big boys and girls. People are going to call us names. If you can’t handle that, I’m sorry, I find that immature on those people’s part.

          My recent post Guest Blog: You Can’t Write This Stuff

  42. In this situation I have to say you did exactly what your girl wanted you to do. If I know my dude has a temper and we are having a good night why would I even set him up like that?? But then again being the spitfire I am, you would've come out the bathroom to me and old boy cussing each other out LOL so who am I to judge? Back to the post – I don't think you had any choice but to do what you did. No disrepsect to your wifey but she was testing you. If she really didn't want you to handle it, she wouldn't have told you. Every chick has been called a Bword for not hollering at a dude at some point or another…she wanted you to prove your love like ole girl in the 5 heartbeats…. just my opinion.

    1. That was something I also picked up on, hence why I like an earlier post that said she would need to be benched so you could discuss her intent. I'm not here to play games & take test, my everyday actions will let you know all you need to know & so there will be no need to ever give me the "Five Heartbeats" treatment.

      Btw, I would have asked in the car what was really wrong since I can read people extremely well….. also believing that maybe her reasoning for not wanting to inform me what was wrong was that we were in a public locale. I would press here much harder once we to ourselves!

  43. You don't want to use a cannon to kill a fly is what I say. It all depends on the situation. Life or death I would expect defending but words not really. My self worth isn't tied to what people have to say about or to me so I wouldn't it personally. More than likely, the comment was made out of feelings of rejection which have absolutely nothing to do with you. You can make it about you and turn it into something more than it has to be. I would have handled the situation myself and responded to the guy by letting him know that saying no to him doesn't make me a bitch but just not interested and his words demonstrated to me a lack of respect which is why I'm not in his presence but someone else's and he should consider that when approaching the next woman.

  44. Larger discussion – when you say "especially Black women" I have to shake my head in agreement. Cruel language and disrespect are unfortunately expected. We harden ourselves against it, arm ourselves with comebacks, constantly watch out for quick exits if things go bad. It sucks. I don't have a solution, just wanted to vent a little.

    1. Most I get it, and I think it's something you firmly believe because your "principles" are reflected in your writing and in your posts.
      From what I hear, and what's been taken out of context, is that you would have approached the two men/ confronted them on their buffoonery the same way Slim did in the post. Whatever result of your comments, you're prepared to handle, but you take that type of disrespect seriously and you want to make sure that the two men understand that they cannot approach women in that manner.
      That is… lovely… and dearly missed among society. It's about standing up for what you believe in, acknowledging disrespect and hoping choice words will resolve further issue. Holding people accountable for their actions, that's the basic principle here (and I hope I've interpreted correctly).
      My recent post Diggin’ on you

  45. Im super torn on this topic…

    What Most said is gospel, and I feel the same way. There does come a point in time when you have to defend those you care about. It is a principle issue and not a manhood issue. I do agree that if we checked more individuals, that a lot less of this sh*t would take place.

    However I must mention that it is 2011. The era of the fair one is all but over as others alluded to as well. All confrontations won't lead to an altercation, but you should always play chess and not connect 4. In the situation above, I feel dude had no other choice but to go over, especially since dude felt so comfortable clowinign son to his face basically. Woman can sit here and say "I wouldn't feel a way if he didn't defend my honor in that situation" but listen, we know subconsciouly it's a different ballgame!

    He had to speak out because dude felt too comfortable being a jerk. Words needed to be exchanged. Respect needed to be addressed.

    Where I'm torn is the prudence of decisions liek this. I've seen many people lose their lives due to situations like this, and where I disagree with Most is that I value my life to the point that death is up there in worst things that can happen to me. Unless someone has VIP tickets to the after life and unending Ciroc on deck, let me know. I think you have to be honorable, adhere to principle and all that, but survey the situation before you act. He was with a crew of dudes, you are alone. Just gotta be careful in how you approach things.

    Quick story: My sisters ex man and I go to a park and play ball. he had a crazy temper (which I didnt know about beforehand). Gets into beef with someone over a foul (smh). I happened to know one of the dudes we were balling with who was also friends with dude who was beefin. I surveyed the park and realized that out of the 20 (TWENTY) dudes in the park, me and son were outsiders. Now truth be told, I wasn't cool with son, but he was my sisters man, and my ride (lol) so I wasn't trying to see him get smashed. I pulled my boy to the side to say "please dont let this n*gga get jumped in the park" in the most gangsta queens way possible. Long story short, dude got swung on, my sisters man did NOTHING and went home to tell the coolest story ever to my sister.

    Months later, I'm by myself at a club (no, not supporting women's final semester in college, but an actual club club). I look over at the bar in passing, and see the same dude that was beefing with my sisters now ex man! I thought to myself, had we went in guns blazing, or foolish, I could've got got right here right now. Glad I handled it right and mitigated any issues as much as possible.

    I say that story to note that this is the world we live in where we have to worry about stuff like this. Its very important to be a person of principle, but please be prudent in your actions. You never know what can happen. And thats not being foolhearty (sp), or pussy, or ignorant. Its being smart!
    My recent post 5 Machines to steer clear from at the gym! vol. 1

    1. "Its being smart! " exactly Streetz it's about being smart.
      And again most times saying something to an ignorant person will very rarely mean sh** to them.
      Streetz just because people get checked doesn't mean they will change. Many times checkin people will only cause beef and an argument.
      Very few people have that type of pull on total strangers or even friends and family. Especially a total stranger that you know is obviously childish, immature, and an azzhole they could care less about you telling them they are wrong and whatever else…..they may have been told before that they were childish and immature and azzholes and obviously it didn't change a damn thing. Your not gonna make a person realize the error in their ways in a day and when they have been drinking and are with their boyz and ego trippin…….just doesn't happen. So again what is the point? What are you really trying to accomplish and/or prove and who are you trying to prove it to?

  46. I'm also curious about one other thing. Is the fact that she disrespected in and of itself warrant defending her honor? Or does she need to be in a relationship? Or, more specifically, does she need to be in a relationship with you? I don't know. I just doubt the dudes talking about willing to die for this actively go around clubs or just the public in general checking dudes because they say disrespectful things to women.

      1. I guess I'm not one of the "principled men", but for me, it's just the ones I've laid claim on.

        Every other woman (and man for that matter) receives a base level of respect that I give to everyone. Respect and honor are gained or lost based on subsequent words and actions.

        I'm not putting myself in harm's way and catching a misdemeanor for fighting for an honor or respect that has not been earned.

  47. Interesting article Slim… Being old school, I'm used to seeing people 'talk' it out with their hands/weapons… However, in my 28 y/o 'wisdom', I've realized that words hurt more, and stick around longer, than bruises.

    There's always a way to talk about an issue w/o it resorting to violence. I agree w/ Orvetta, you shouldn't let another person take you out of character, especially in front of your date/woman/wife/girlfriend.

    Dude deserved a whooping though, being disrespectful towards women does NOT make you a man…

    Some guys still have the game twisted.

      1. CO – you and Dr. J are the MAIN ones! I'll tell you upfront, don't start some mess around me, my phone got the 9 and the 1 already pressed and my trigger finger is hovering over that last 1. Matter fact, my scary azz is always one foot out the door anyway and looking for trouble so when it happens we're the first ones out, lol.

        1. LOL! I can accept that…

          In my defense, cause I'm all for defending myself…lol, I was recently told that I have a "def don't eff with me" demeanor…by a man that's not my bf or trying to be, lol. People tend to think I'm mean and then realize I'm nice unless provoked, lol. This type stuff does NOT happen to me, lol. People don't come at me with the crap described in this post. But, if something pops off, the earrings will be coming off…which is why I don't do clubs or young spots, lol.

    1. I had a completely different view of the situation from the 2 of you, but I'm the main guy that my friends & family want around when things pop off cause they know I'll be the first 1 to break everything in the building over somebody head. They also know that I'm not going to create a situation that could have been avoided, generally even letting it be known that something is about to be possibly going down.

      There are worse things than death to worry about, which if I always place myself in situations over disrespectful words by drunken fools then I will eventually find myself behind bars involved in one of those things worse than death.

  48. I been reading the posts on her like religion since August, and this topic has been a Gift and Curse for me in a Relationship.

    I had a Female I was with get hit on by a guy with an entorage of 6 while we were at a mall shopping, and I ignored it because a) I wasn't in a Relationship with her b) its 6 guys a just 1 of Me c) I Wasn't the Jealous Type back then (2005, 18 yrs old) and having an Attractive Woman by your side Allows Situations like that to happen.

    Needless to say, 'Ol Girl felt I "Didn't Man Up" by confronting them and it was a Domino Effect towards the End of Whatever was Goin On….

    This Pas Summer, my Girlfriend and I were at Dinner and this Exact Scenario occured, and since I've gotten Older and its "My Lady", I ignored her pleas to Leave it Alone and Checked Homie and his Crew. Words were Said, Chairs were Tossed away from the Table, and after 10 Minutes of Cursing and Threats (plus Knocking over a Server and Plates of Food), The N*#%@S, Myself, and my Girl were "Asked" to Leave.

    She got Pissed that I went over there, I was Mad 'cause I Did Too, but Pissed that She Didn't Want to Tell me, as if It WAS Nothing (but It WAS) to Her AND ME. Our Date was Over after that, She wanted to Go Home (Without Me), and after a Few Days, we Agreed to Disagree about the incident- but we Both came to the Agreement that 1) I'm a Man & a Gentleman; NO MALE, Drunk or Not, is gonna Disrespect my Woman & I LET IT SLIDE, 2) She Has and Can Handle Herself, BUT Let Me Know if ANYTHING or ANYBODY Disses Her (Again), and 3) If She Tries to Handle the Situation & Can't I got the Green Light to "Solve" the Problem.

    I'm like Most- It's Priniciple that's Lost in Society, especially among Men (Black Men directly), We so quick to be called Deadbeats and Worthless and Fight over that and Racism, but Not for Our Sisters/Women??? I feel a way about that. The Fact that Death takes Us All allows me to Not Fear Confrontation OR it's Future Circumstances. I Know about Picking Battles, but not saying ANYTHING Enables the Disrespect and Bulshit Dudes to have Power, while Internally making Men who let Things Slide Weak, IMO.

  49. I know you didn't just cabbage patch on me brah!! What's your damage? *takes off MJ jacket and tightens bandana around my forehead* *running man* IN YO FACE!

    *crosses arms over chest, cocks head*
    What now?

    1. I'm gonna pull the whole "beat it" dance sequence on you and then spin on my head! You ain't got nothing on that, you ain't got nothing on that!

      1. Ooooooh, you can spin on ya head?! That hurt…I see your Beat It and raise you an African Anteater Dance and the Robot. Ain't no coming back from that. It's as b!tchin as b!tchin gets!

        1. lololololol Star I really aint got nothin on that. I wish I could dance so I could pull some more dance moves on you but…. *snatches up boombox and leaves*

  50. I love a man that will defend my honor — in theory. Realistically, I'd probably be more embarassed by a fight breaking out than I was about what was said. Also, people are crazy these days. You can't guarantee a fair fight. It's cool to exchange a few words, but knowing when to let it go shows me more about how well you can handle yourself. Also… as a woman, if you know a man has a temper, if he doesn't witness something first hand, it's probably best to wait to give him the details later when the man who disrespected you is no longer around.
    My recent post Why the Ride or Die Chick Should Just Die Already

  51. Ignoring that 'thumbs down' contest between Adonis and Michelle Cooke…

    Fellas, how would you have handled this situation?

    In that exact situation, there's a 50% chance I wouldn't have gone over there. Remember, "She grabbed my arm and asked me to leave it alone". <- THAT'S when you stop. Otherwise, you end abandoning her to go get macho. Now she's in a bad mood and about to watch a guy she likes loose his cool instead of making her feel better. Contrary to what Michelle Cooke says she want, the lady in the post didn't want that. Maybe even b/c you discussed previously that you had a temper, she felt it wouldn't be a simple addressing homie and it would escalate.

    For the times where I would've gone over there, I would not have made it a conversation. It would've been one, 2 statements at the max. Especially if you wasn't there. Speaking from experience. Basically (of course we're watching hands and being aware of who's around),

    I would've said: "Don't be disrespectful."

    I promise you, 50% of guys would try to play stupid and the other half would make responses similar to his first. Regardless of his response then say something like, "You know where I stand. I won't repeat myself." His VERBAL response doesn't matter. Dudes get dooped into getting jumped all day-all night. It probably seemed like a command that way he said to go back to your lady during his first response. Stuff said like that pushes us to respond with anger. People who actually be in fights know that people get knocked out while they're trying to give some long monologue on what it is to them. Eff all that… Short simple. No sugar. Clear as f*ck and any action against it is a clear indication of what needs to happen next. Don't respond to his statements, that'll turn it into a conversation. Just make your stance known. Keep it rolling. If he dares to get buck, then knock him back down.

    You see the situation in the post transformed from defending her to macho-macho-man when you wanted some instant rehabilitation or explanation (telling him what he should've done as a man, the f*ck?). You already know why he did it. yes, he saw you with her before and wanted to scoop her up. Yes, he tried you. Let his homie snicker like a school girl, that's cool. All that matters is that you're serious. And let the cards fall as they may…

    I'm telling you. Dudes will make these long arse statements saying nothing. I don't even stick around for all that. The point is for them to know where you stand. Eff everything else…

    What do you think a man’s role should be in situations like this?

    The role of the Man is to make it clear to HER that you'll stand up when needed. Taking the time to prove it to every guy there will only get you lip service and/or fights. Not any real respect. With that said, I agree with the premise of Michelle Cooke's comment. Though just because a woman says to knock a guy out, should I go getting myself jumped or in jail? NO. But I do have to make it clear I'll protect her. Not just by saying it to her, but by making your stance clear to the men around you. You know if she does something to piss you off, you say exactly that and make it clear not to do that. That's called checking. Well, make sure you check men who cross lines as well, not just you woman. That's called being a b*tch. Defending her honor doesn't even require fighting but it does require being clear and telling other men where that line is. You don't have to give any threats. "That's disrespectful. Don't _____." A command. Actions against the command yield negative consequences for them. That way you demand respect however you define it.

    Slim got me reminiscing on my past over here and ish… Great reads man.
    My recent post How to implement an OODBMS (pt. 1)

    1. I agree with the going over there, declarative sentence, leaving part. "Defending her honor doesn't even require fighting but it does require being clear and telling other men where that line is."
      I think the idea that you will is stronger than the proof that you can.
      My recent post Dreamgirl

    2. I wonder how many dudes who were out on parol would be quick to jump in another dudes face because he called his lady out of her name.

  52. The men in my family are extremely old school. I’ve seen guns drawn over their women but island men draw guns over anything so that’s neither here nor there. My point is, I completely understand why you did that. Hind sight is always 20/20. We all know what the right thing to do is but when emotions are involved, that doesn’t always happen. We’re not perfect. Yeah you were outnumbered, yeah you could have not said anything, yeah you could have been shot, etc but I’m sure you assessed the situation and knew what you wanted to do before you did it. When it comes to men, I trust men to be men. As a woman, I can’t say much because I know male pride is huge and defending your woman’s honor is male law 101.

    Me personally, I would have lied to you until we got in the car because if I know my man, I know what he’s capable of. I feel as though it’s kind of the woman’s duty to be the diffuser when it comes to her man’s emotions in situations. It would hurt me if my man got hurt over something regarding me whether it was my fault or not. I lost my point but my point is, I can’t blame you for that. I just hope men approach all @ssholes with caution, use your head and no matter what you decide follow through. I’ll have his back…even if I have to smash a Guiness bottle over someone’s head or go get the car. lol it’s been done

  53. I wouldn't have confronted a drunk man. I don't know where all the commenters are from but I'm from Detroit and if I was to check every drunk dude that was disrespectful I had a run in with at a club or party I may not be here typing this. You have to learn how to choose your battles. I think men like this should be checked in the right setting. I also think it depends on who this woman is. I'm not riding for a woman I've only known for a month. I've checked dudes at clubs disrespecting or bothering my homegirls. It's easy to say what someone else should do. Pride has many a man 6ft deep or doing life behind bars. I've seen too many men getting the ish stomped out of them or guns pulled on them over pride or defending the honor of a woman that wasn't their wife or long term girlfriend.

  54. The type of dudes I like. I know for a fact it would of been addressed. Or me and dude probably wouldn't be dating no more. I am not for overly cautious guys. Im a woman I will be the cautious one of the group. I don't know why folks talking about checking each and everybody and getting killed as if that is the only result. I know it happens. Have seen people get killed over foolishness so I don't say that lightly. But where I am from you address sh*t period. Sure there may be times where you do decide its not worth it happens to us all. But if I am obviously very upset he must of really hit a nerve cause most nonsense I roll off so that means it needs to be addressed. The type of man I want in my life will address it. Period.

    1. I understand what you're saying, but people grew up in different households. To me 'checking someone' isn't giving them a stern talking to. That certainly isn't how I correlate it in my mind. To a lot of people 'addressing the situation' includes, but is not limited to, making sure at least one of us ends up in the hospital before the end of the night. And I'll be honest, when I'm at the point I'm not going to hide behind any bs about protecting your honor, it's because I want to hurt you regardless of what damage is down to me.

      1. OK, I hear you. Yeah for me addressing simply starts with speaking on what happened but being ready if they want to make it physical. But I mentioned upwing somewhere when a similar situation happened with my ex. He addressed dude and while the guy talked a bunch of non-sense it never got to throwing blows. I had even more respect for my then boo and it was a total turn on. Can't even lie about that. lol
        But on the flip side I don't encourage violence but I want my man to back down because he sees its more upsetting to me that he about to go fight than because he scared to get punched in the face. With my situation I didn't know my ex boo would react so strongly and if anything happened after that when we were out I just swallowed it and kept my face straight cause while very chivalrous I didn't want him feeling the need to address every jack @ss that approaches me.

  55. As a woman, I feel like its a mark of a man's maturity when he is able to properly select his battles. You would like that man to be very clear and rational when it comes difficult situations.
    I think its unwise to expect anything from anyone even if you're principles dictates it should be that way. If that's the case, you will encounter a man who's sensiblities willl constantly be slighted and more energy will be placed in resolving the resolution.

  56. You want that man to be able to understand the counterintuitive concept that sometimes you have to be still to move forward.
    You also would like a man to be very particular in who he gives invitation to his time, emotions and mind. I am not a man, so I can not speak directly from their perspective on an incident such as this, but as a woman being honored, I would like a say in how my battle is handled. Pride is flashly and cute and settles accounts for the day, whereas wisdom is regal, trusting and handles disputes for a lifetime. If a man is intact, as a woman, one can then feel confident in disclosing anything because you'll have comfort in knowing his ability to handle a situation respectfully,correct and to your best benefit . T

  57. his incident above was a clear case of rejection. His issue not hers, so there was no reason for her to embrace the word, "bitch" and fight a battle that man is clearly in with himself. Keep it moving. Although, as a woman I think she would have had far more impact than the man if she addressed the guy herself. He had the interest in her, so his ears are open. She can tactifully correct him therefore showing him the error of his ways. However, a big point that is sorely overlook is that this person is under the influence, so a rational conversation is not likely to happen. Demanding an apology is unnecessary, you don't need him to validate or maintain your levels of respect. Besides, who is he's of importance? Now with the man approaching and there was not physical harm done, it just looks like a pissing contest. This is just the way I see it. If I was in that situation and I have been, I usually laugh and pity the jerk, keep it moving by putting my full attention on the man that adores me.

  58. As any woman, I would want my man to take up for me when I'm being disrespected but i would never want it to get physical. Last year, I knew a girl that got in an ugly confrontation with a guy. She told her boyfriend, this pissed him off. He approached the guy and the guy pulled out a knife and stabbed him to death. She felt horrible and responsible for her boyfriends death. I couldn't live with that guilt. People are crazy these days.

  59. oh lawd this post. ..and these comments. lol

    i'd wait until we were away from the situation and mention it casually. if you have a temper and i'm aware of it, i think it's selfish to put you in a situation that would cause that temper to flare and possibly result in really bad consequences. knowing a man will defend my honor to whatever level is good enough for me. no need to go test it out on insignificant people i won't remember the next day.
    My recent post Dear Blackberry… because I can’t call you.

  60. Very intriguing article. I completely respect you for caring enough about your friend to want to respect her honor. But that is a situation that is hard for any self-respecting man to be in. If you do something about it, you may be perceived as temperamental, and to some, immature. If you don't do anything, you may be seen as scared or passive aggressive. That is one situation I strive to never put anyone I care about into. While I would have been LIVID, I would have done all I could to shake it off before you came back, or just went to the restroom myself to try and regain my composure. I would be lying if I claimed to always take the high road in confrontational circumstances (during times where it's only myself and another male or female involved), but I do always try to alleviate any pressure from any male I'm interested in. The concern I feel for someone I'm dating wouldn't allow me to let him put himself in a situation where his safety, along with his record could be in jeopardy. We're adults. Fighting in the club or wherever can have steep consequences. It's not something to be taken lightly. I know you care about home girl and I have absolutely nothing negative to say about her, but in my opinion, that is not a situation you should have been placed in to begin with. So, I guess in all, I wouldn't have wanted you to approach him. But I also wouldn't have put you in the predicament to feel the need to. As far as what your "role" would be, hmmm, I'd guess I'd say companion. Just continue to do what you were doing before the incident… keep the lady happy. Get out of there and make some memories to knock that on out of mind. Good luck going forward.

  61. i personally wouldn't have said anything in the club, because that puts the man who is with you in a very difficult situation.

    i have a lot of male friends and i know that they would at least act like they were going to pop some ish off if it came to it. its happened before. but i don't want them to do that. they have as much to lose as i do. plus, i know how to handle things myself. and like someone said upthread, these things happen to women, both when men are around and when men aren't around.

    honestly, i would be more like to throw a punch at the dude, rather than ask a guy to do that. but that's because i don't like seeing friends hurt (especially if its cuz of me) and i'm a little rough around the edges.

  62. Women getting mad at the men act like folks don't die from gunfire everyday. Get over it. This isn't 1950 and fist fights rarely end smoothly nowadays. So we choose our battles wisely. Get mad if you like, you're not and have never been on the receiving either side of the barrel you should tone it down a bit.

  63. I would not have told him and jumped back into the personal space with my date. unnecessary drama especially since he had already told her he has a quick temper.

  64. I would have been more embarrassed by watching my boo fight in the club (and ruining my night) than being called a silly bitch by a dude I dont know (which ruined that moment)… It all makes sense to me until the fists went.. I think the problem for me was trying to solicit an apology instead of just going over, checking the dude, and then going back to enjoy the night..

  65. Pick your battles. Some lame name calling dude in a club does not make any difference. Maybe if she didn’t get her feathers ruffled it would have made the difference. Ha that is why peeps say don’t bring sand to the beach…end up in these situations. Go chill somewhere where the crazies don’t bother you.

  66. I honestly don't know what I would expect. I would be truly impressed if he "defended my honor" b/c so few men these days seem to think honor is important. I wouldn't a want him to fight however, so just going over and saying something would be sufficient. In reality, most likely I wouldn't have said anything b/c I wouldn't want him to have to be put into a potentially dangerous situation OR to be disappointed in him if he didn't do anything at all. I don't think we should live in fear so the excuse "something bad might happen" doesn't work for me. Luckily I don't attract to many losers.

  67. I do believe that one should pick their battles. I also believe that folks need to be held accountable. But here's the thing, you can't hold everyone accountable. That is a job to big for us mere mortals. When holding someone accountable, you have to assess the situation. I am a Brooklyn girl, all day every day and with the madness that has cropped up over the years, I have tempered my ready to rumble mentality. Why…folks is crazy out here.

    It is clear to me, that said woman doesn't really know who you are with regards to your temper. If she did, and she really valued who you are to her she would have kept silent on the matter. Sometimes, you have to let a higher power deal with things. After all, in the end we are ALL accountable to Him.
    My recent post Terms Defined

  68. Sorry, my job requires security clearance. If there is no immediate danger, than I’m letting it go. If I get arrested then I’m unemployed. If she can’t understand that, then I just have to meet someone else.

  69. All i’m sayin is that if fam is ignorant enough (and obviously intoxicated enough) to treat a woman like that, chances are that he won’t be receptive to being addressed. I’d simply say: “Let’s go somewhere else.” Folks out here getting hurt and killed for petty shit and when i get jumped by his entourage or killed all she’s gonna say is: “Damn that’s a shame.” and find someone else to date. She’s not going to pay my hospital or mortuary bills for defending her honor. Period.
    Women can call me a punk all you want, but you’re not in our shoes.

    This brings up a more important point though. The majority of Generation Y (a product of the 80s- i.e. crack/Ronald Reagan era) grew up in single parent homes (usually fatherless) and with little to no authority or morals so they act ignorant,without regard and do random shit like curse women out that don’t like their approach. With that being said, i believe that good men make more good men, and good women make more good women; so we must reach out to the youth and our peers and influence them to be more respectful because they have to set an example for their kids and young’Ns that look up to them and at the end of the day they don’t want their sister or daughter coming home crying saying that someone called them a bitch because she said she wasn’t interested.

    Peace & Blessings,
    Real [email protected]

  70. While I'm impressed with your reaction to the situation, I have to question the logic (long term). In the ideal, he would apologize and she would be grateful…on the other hand, worst case scenario might be that you got into a fight with the two dudes and he (seeing how ignorant he's already behaving) meets you both outside with a gun and finishes the fight.

    If he had physically attacked her (groping, etc) I'd feel that the risk is warranted, if not then I'd make sure she was okay and move along.

    I only have two modes (you seem to have more which is enviable to me); on and off. If I'm on then I'll fight to the end, therefore I avoid being "on" at all costs.

  71. CLEAR example of "When keeping it real goes wrong." It's really bad when a woman considers it "sexy" or masculine to fight for her honor in this day and time. There were a lot of good points made in the comments. Everyone wants to live of course. But the big picture is "Will I lose my life because of this?" Nevermind a brused ego or being adored by a woman. Unless mine, wife, or family lives are in imminate danger, I will not show my a$$ to no one for some cool points or street cred. Especially over some words.

  72. I had this same conversation with a younger female about this. She consider men to be punkish if they do not "defend her honor". 1st , you can never under estimate a situation where YOU will not benefit from the solution. 2nd, While you are out here fighting over words, you end up with a police record, bruised ego, bruised body, loss of a potential good job (due to your record), and a potential loss of life. And all of this to "impress" some woman that you are dating? Unless my own life is threatened then I would see no other way than to put myself in that situation. Choose your battles.

  73. I love this story lol. It's doubtful that my hubby would leave me alone at a place like that to go to the restroom. I find what you did very endearing and I would never be with a man that is too scared to defend my honor. Good job! Sure u got some that night lmao!

  74. This whole situation is ridiculous. Some stupid girl that probably is only freeloading off the guy and there for a "good time" wants you to go potentially get in a fight and throw down over some stupid drunk person saying something to her is ridiculous. Last time I got in a fight at a night club the guy had 4 friends join in, and then 3 bouncers grabbed me, and then the bouncer broke my neck dragging me up some stairs. Anyone who wants to get physical with some random stranger over "words" is a moron. And women that want guys to act like this is the cave man days should go back to Africa and live in the jungle where men ran around with clubs because in the real world there are consequences for your actions and there are also laws. Just let it go and stop trying to make everyone a cave man.

  75. Anyone who would disrespect a lady by calling her a bitch is not a man. He has no respect for himself, so he's got no respect for you, your lady or anyone else. If that's the situation, you can't teach him respect. If I had been in the same situation, I'd be the most impressed if my man stayed cool, took the high road, and called him out on his rudeness, but didn't feel the need to stoop to his level by throwing punches.

  76. " I shifted my weight so that if I needed to throw a punch, it’d have the force of all my ancestors behind it."

    The force of my ancestors behind it! LMAO!

  77. Stupid, just stupid, This guy could have been armed or had friends waiting outside that were armed etc. I hate to say it but black males have somewhat of a history to murder each other for pretty much no reason at all. It's not spoken of to much but its true. And this situation could have been yet another black murder by black male.


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