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Engaged Black Male: How men get married

Trust ... he is not thinking "I'm gonna marry this girl"

I always knew I would get married.

But Jay lied to you.  I didn’t see her across a room and think “I’m going to marry that”.  I did not envision our kids before I knew her name.  Marriage was the furthest thing from my mind …

90% of men are slowly drug into marriage, usually fighting the urge until it becomes too hard to ignore. And at that point, we give into a secret desire to get out the game.

Let me break it down …

Damn, look at all that ass

When we first meet a girl, we think about what she looks like naked, does she give head, and how good the dugout will be.  It’s not wrong, it’s nature.  I’m talking to you because there is an attraction … in my pants.

Wow … she’s not a chicken head

This moment might come from the first conversation, the first date, or after I’ve already put your legs over my shoulders and given you “the privilege”.  At some point, we start to think that you could be worth more than good beats. This is a key turning point, because the time we spend with you might not just be focused on how to get you back to the spot.

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Yeah … I’m OK with having a girlfriend … maybe you, maybe that chic behind you

This could be the first thing we think or it could happen after date 15.  A man is not going to get a girlfriend unless he has personally decided “I am open to having a girlfriend”.  ***Important*** This does not mean: “I want a girlfriend” or “I am looking for a girlfriend”.  All it means is “I do not hate the thought of having a girlfriend”. Fact is, men know whether or not they are willing to put up with the BS that having a girl entails (yeah sure … there is some good stuff too). They have to be open for a woman to ever make that jump.

I want YOU!

At some point you’re spending all this time together. At some point the head game is so on point, we start thinking it’s going to be hard to find better. At some point we are willing to give up all the other women out there (or at least run the risk of getting stabbed when caught sleeping with them) in order to be with one woman.  I wish I could explain how we know, how to help us know, or what the checklist is … but I can’t. As a man, you know, and then you do something about it.

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Man … I’m getting soft

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t the best boyfriend in the past.  At the end of the day, I was going to do what I wanted and either you were on board or not. This last time … it was different.  We stop going out as much.  We want that person around me more and more.  Personally, I started buying random gifts (maybe even a plane ticket n sh*).  I was literally turning into a simp for my girl (I know … sad sh*). Worst part, I was OK with it.

Life without you would suck

This final stage was when we realize we don’t want to live a life without this person.  Up until this point, if the person had to be dropped, we can get over it.  Now, you might be all kinds of f****d up.  More importantly, you can’t think of any reason to leave the person if you tried.  It really just feels like this person is supposed to be around until you get old. And then … then we know …


No any two men’s story is the same. But any man who says “I knew the first day I saw here I would marry her” was rolling on e at the time.

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SBM aka “Yes, I first fell in love with your ass” aka “HA!”


    1. This has my mind stuck on Bill Bellamy in How to be a Player. Now I've gotta watch that tonight right before Boss. Lol But IJS Some men Evolve while other's merely Adapt. Same but Different. None the less I agree with the statement. <rolling my="" eyes="" and="" walking="" away=""></rolling>

    2. SBM: aww the best part of this post was "man Im getting soft" nothing like having a man simping, tricking and loving every little piece of you.

      Dr. J: Yea I think women like to create good relationships that could turn into marriage while men wait for the relationship to evolve. Neither way is bad if both people are on the same page (b/c you cant creat a good situation if the other person aint with it). I think you need a little piece of both, in order for a relationship to evolve you have to create the right atmosphere for it to do so.

      Sidenote: I never believed in love at first sight, when my parents told me how they met the first time my mom said she didnt like him, thought he was cocky and rude.

      1. Smilez I hear that a lot from older older married couples…..they didn't even like each other when they first met…..

    3. "I think the issue is that women believe in Creation and men believe in Evolution."

      I like this analogy. When I use it in the future, I will properly cite you as the source.

  1. This was a funny, quick read, lol…and a very realistic peep into the mind of a man who's encountered a woman who knows how to reel a man in.

    Good stuff…

    1. its not just as simple as her "reeling him in" or even knowing how to. I notice the women on here want to skip to the lovey dovey stage without acknowledging the other stages that have to come first. If the guy is not ready to settle down or in that state of mind to even consider it, all the know how in the world won't make a difference.

      1. I'm not even sure if I was thinking that deep when I typed that, lol…actually, I'm sure I wasn't.

        It's not that simple…but it's a part of it. I completely acknowledge and respect the stages.

        The progress of any relationship takes forethought from the man and the woman. He's doing some reeling and so is she.

  2. This post definitely seems true, but it still makes me sad…Maybe because there's nothing a woman who might be right for you could do to convince you if you've got the arbitrary block in your head. That's kinda sad to me. Like, it doesn't matter so much about the person but about the timing. I don't know how I feel about that, but I have definitely experienced that it's true.

      1. Yeah, I read that post too. It doesn't make me feel any better. I think y'all should write some more positive posts for a little while. My Seasonal Affective Disorder, paired with all these "truth hurts" type posts means I'm kinda down. I'm feeling like "A Few Good Men": "You can't handle the truth!" WIM's screenname sums it up. 🙁

    1. Don’t be sad. If he’s right for you, all the blocks he tries to put up will fall. Shoot, even if he isnt right for you, he can fall for you against his own will. Don’t trip over these men and their bs.

      1. So far, I've only dealt with one dude who even partially got to that simp stage. That was my first and that ended five years ago. I miss that feeling. I was tripping so much, I thought I would move at the end of 2012, because I thought NYC men were the reason it'd been so long since any guy saw me like that. But then I switched gears completely, and shifted my focus to my passion and not settling for less in the meantime.

        My mother was like, "Kat, you know what's right. And you know the men you're 'dealing with' aren't it." Well, true, mom, but that alone time while waiting for the right one to come along is mad difficult. And she was like, "…Life is hard." LOL. Too true.

        Anyway, focusing on my passion means staying in NYC after all and putting my personal desires on a bit of a backburner. It doesn't mean, however, that I wouldn't love to have a dude tripping over me. Seriously, it's been SO long (too long) since a dude really LIKED me, beyond that first stage mentioned in this post, LOL.

        1. I feel you, and if NYC is like DC, men might be falling for you, but they fight hard to control it. They are so scared of that out of control feeling, they will get ghost on you, or say the coldest most insensitive thing they can think of.

          Then you have men who, in a brotherly effort to keep you from getting hurt often reinforce insecurities by implying, or outright saying that men are always using you for sex. They never have feelings, they have 100% control and will only fall in love when theyve decided to, and only when the woman meets their predefined list of wife qualities.

          My experience has taught me that this is a pile of bull chips. And a particularly insidious pile because most women will believe these “hard truths” and doubt themselves because the advice was posed in a helpful manner. But the effect, if not the purpose, is too keep women insecure, off balance and feeling powerless.

          Not saying that every man who beds you will fall in love. Thats far from true. But the more time he spends with you, your qualities will have an effect on his emotions. guaranteed. ANd often you can tell how much an effect by how much he seems to be insisting his feelings are under control, while trying to keep you around.

          Our tits, hips, lips, box, kindness, voice, hair, brain, emotional outbursts, high heels, dresses, perfume are very powerful. And don’t listen to the frightened men declaring loudly that they aren’t vulnerable us.

        2. I appreciate this. Whether or not it's true (because trying to understand what's in men's minds when it comes to love/sex/relationships makes my head hurt), it is most definitely what I tell myself when I'm having those doubtful feelings.

      2. this is actually against the entire point of the post. any mental blocks the man has about getting married are going to exist until he is ready to get rid of them. its more like a sequence of events rather than a guy “putting up blocks” so as to not do something.

        1. who said it was about control? its merely a matter of maturity and realizing what you want out of life as you grow older. you're adding a lot of extras on to this that have nothing to do with what is being discussed.

    2. @KatWebb84: "…there's nothing a woman who might be right for you could do to convince you if you've got the arbitrary block in your head."

      Men go through all the time. A woman we know may be perfect for us, but she just doesn't see it, or we don't meet some standard, or she's at some other stage in her life where she doesn't feel like settling down, or she's still heartbroken over the last dude, or doesn't trust men because of past experiences. We never even get to the dating stage.

      "Like, it doesn't matter so much about the person but about the timing."

      "I've been doing my own thing, love has always had a way of having bad timing."
      Amel Larrieux via Groove Theory, Tell Me

  3. I swear this site keeps giving away all these age old secrets men knew and a select few sister and female best friends were lucky enough to be introduced to….This is a great site but this game worked so efficiently for so long because it was exclusive to the barbershop…Now you gonna have all these boppers in oscar winning roles trying to reinvent themselves to become wifey material…Cot dam Internet lol

    1. …"Now you gonna have all these boppers in oscar winning roles trying to reinvent themselves to become wifey material…Cot dam Internet lol"

      This made me chuckle….

  4. Awww, this was cute. It's extra appealing when a guy is honest like this when it comes to love. Sometimes it DOES just hit you with the hee.

    Much luck to you and future Mrs. SBM.

  5. I love this "Engaged Black Man" Series, you seem to be enjoying this new phase of your life

    "At some point, we start to think that you could be worth more than good beats." I don't know why but I found this cute.

    1. Be careful what you wish for. That feeling could be what separates you over the logic that keeps you together. Logic and feelings are tools, and you have to know when you use each.

  6. Wow. This is so on point. Being in a 6 year relationship with a man, I can tell you that you are right..it DOES NOT start with "I'm going to marry this chic/guy," this is something that slowly arises in the relationship. People that say its immediate are dreaming and immature. Most of the time those are the couples that end up breaking up a few months later. And, for those couples that do not truly ENJOY spending time together, and this means "I rather be doing 'X' (whatever it is you're doing) with my boo than with anyone else or by myself," you are NOT near the "I'm soft" point and marriage should not be in your mind at this point.

    Great post!

  7. Hm, fair enough. There are a handful of women I know who have been proposed to outside after as little as 3 months of dating. I wouldn't say it's a hard and fast rule, but there is a certain kind a Black woman that can make us skip these steps or 'maturation process' in the quickness.

    1. How about we revise this just a little if I may!! — but there is a certain kind of WOMAN that can make us skip these steps or "maturation process" in the quickness.

      I don't know but saying "certain kind a black woman" sounded like a back handed compliment to me but I am sure you meant well by it — this could be any women of any color.


      1. I'm sure it extends to others. I'm just only familiar with the type of Black woman though. I apologize to anyone I offended with that wording or felt that I was trying to erase them from the discussion.

  8. Nice post! In my early 20's I observed that the dating/courting process should be done wisely. A lot of people waste precious time in situations such as friends with benefits, wifey, etc. A person will stay and collect your goodies as long as you allow them.

    I hear some people say they aren't even thinking about marriage NOW, but little do they know, the time to be thinking about marriage is right around the corner. If you stay a wifey for 6 years and then its over, you've wasted precious time. I already know some people are saying to themselves: but marriages end too….right?! Well, yeah they do, all the time. HOWEVER, with my mustard seed sized faith, I know that I will be blessed even if my marriage fails and that's a BIG if. Faith and positive thinking/actions WORK!

  9. I just got engaged onThanksgiving and my fiance said he just knew. We dated in 04 but our timing was never right and he compared all other women to me. I think for men they need to know they can trust you and not just you not stepping out. Men are not quick to be vulnerable and share their deepest thoughts and feelings. If they know you will not use it against them and that you truly care that wins their hearts.

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